World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

"... Welcome back to Kool Aid, the first concert fundraiser for Kool & the Gang and other 80's pop stars that couldn't hack it in the 90s! I hope you've been enjoying the show so far tonight! As you know, we're being telecast around the world live, and will be seen on over 2 billion television sets. We hope to raise enough money so that the Pet Shop Boys and those like them need never go hungry again."

"Unfortunately, due to the excessive number of commercial spots, we will be unable to bring you both of the two remaining acts tonight. So instead, I've asked them both to come out and join each other on stage for the first time. Please welcome ...... Michael Jackson ....... and ...... Prince!"

The two superstars walk out to center stage and hug. Michael picks up a microphone and speaks to the crowd: "We will now sing a very special song for you. I hope you like it." Michael Jackson and Prince then start into a heart-warming rendition of Barry Manilow's classic I Write the Songs. The crowd's excited fanatical cheers turn into a din of anger and rage.

Prince becomes angry at this turn of events. "I told you this was a stupid idea! You've ruined my career! I'll never live down this humiliation!" He pushes Michael in disgust and begins to walk offstage mid-song.

But the last vestiges of Michael's testosterone kick in. "Hey pretty-boy, are you pushing me? And this was your idea." Michael slaps Prince on the face. It escalates rapidly from there, and finally into an all-out fist fight, with the pent-up frustrations of two dwindling careers coming to bear at each other. The crowd turns silent and watches in anticipation...

Michael Jackson The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince (TAFKATAFKAP)

Michael Jackson

vs.

The Artist Formerly Known As

The Commentary

BRIAN: I gotta go with The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince (heretofor referred to as "TAFKATAFKAP") in this one, Steve. In any fight, one of the biggest keys to victory is self-confidence. If you don't think you're good enough to win, then you won't. Simply put, TAFKATAFKAP (tm) has more self-confidence than Michael. True, TAFKATAFKAP isn't a prime example of self-confidence. After all, if he was so sure of himself, why would he keep changing his name back and forth? But compared to Michael Jackson, he's Warren Beatty. As the old joke goes, Michael Jackson is the only black man in the world trying to look like a white woman. He's so unhappy with himself that the skin treatment and plastic surgery still isn't enough; he's got to make friends with monkeys, little boys, and the bones of dead freaks. There's no way he could ever visualize himself winning this fight.

Another key factor is manliness. TAFKATAFKAP routs Michael in this category. TAFKATAFKAP bagged Kim Basinger AND Sheena Easton. It doesn't get any better than that! Who has Michael bagged? Pedophilic jokes aside, no one. Sure he supposedly got someone pregnant, but I think the tabloids have exposed that for the farce it was, just like his phony marriage. The only time we've ever seen Michael out in public with a woman, it's either with his bogus (ex)-wife, one of his sisters, or one of his many "friends" such as Liz or Diana. And you know what they say about guys that are "friends" with all the girls...

Conquest resumes aside, Steve, their song lyrics tell us quite a bit about the manliness of the two combatants as well. TAFKATAFKAP's songs like "Little Red Corvette" and "Darling Nikki" drip with sexuality. "1999" shows the man knows how to party. And to quote from the Purple Rain (tm) soundtrack: "Let's look for the purple banana 'til they throw us in the truck. Let's go crazy!" Even though I have no idea how or why, this guy is apparently a complete stud muffin. Michael, on the other (gloved) hand, sings about how "Billy Jean is NOT my lover" (he's quite emphatic about this point). In "Dirty Diana" he seems very upset that he's about to have sex with a woman. And don't get me started on either of the possible meanings behind "Beat It". TAFKATAFKAP pimp slaps Michelle before (s)he even has time to properly grab himself.

STEVE: Tell me Brian, what color is the sky in your fantasy world? Michael Jackson is going to wipe the floor with TAFKATAFKAP. Frankly, I don't see how TAFKATAFKAP's sexual prowess is going to help him here. So what if he's a modern-day Cassanova? Last time I checked, that doesn't help you in a fight. Yet you ramble on for 2 paragraphs about it. And self-confidence? TAFKATAFKAP has to resort to changing his name to a symbol (and back again) in order to get people to like him and think he's cool. It reminds me of those pesky kids on the internet who try to make themselves sound cool by giving themselves nicknames like "K00ld00d" or "DeathSlayer". And this bit about changing his mind about it. Sound familiar? Now who's trying to be like a white woman?

Let's study the important factors here. First of all, height. Celebrities always appear taller than they really are on TV. It's a natural result of being on camera. Even on TV, TAFKATAFKAP looks like a shrimp! He looks like a 10-year old child compared to those guitars he plays. He must be like 4'10" or so. Even an average-sized Michael Jackson would be able to tower over him.

Let's not forget another thing about Michael Jackson. He's bad, he's bad, you know it. Really really bad. It plainly says so in his song, after all. He hangs out with gangs who get into knife fights to the death. TAFKATAFKAP hangs out with models. Maybe TAFKATAFKAP could defend himself from an onslaught of face-slapping, but not against a pissed-off Michael Jackson.

BRIAN: Well, Steve, I hope you realize that you just alienated yourself from about 35% of our demographic with that little slam on internet nicknames. The vast majority of the remaining 65% have probably jumped to my side as well after some of the ridiculous points you just brought to the table.

First of all, I don't think anyone would argue that TAFKATAFKAP isn't the biggest guy in the world, but I'd like to know where you get off calling Michael Jackson "average-sized". The guy's a stick! TAFKATAFKAP is no Hulk Hogan, but I'd bet he could at least do a push-up. Michael would get winded while trying and failing to do just one of those girl push-ups from his knees. Perhaps you have misjudged Michael's size because you've never seen him next to a guitar. Maybe that's because he's never played one! Or any other instrument for that matter. King of Pop my ass.

Second, Michael Jackson does NOT hang out with gangs that get into knife fights to the death. He hangs out with gangs that line dance. TAFKATAFKAP, OTOH, grew up on the streets of Minneapolis. His urban upbringing and harsh winter exposures (a la Rocky IV) will prove valuable assets in this fight. All Michael ever did as a child was hang around Beverly Hills with Tito and Jermaine.

Finally, the reason I brought up TAFKATAFKAP's escapades is to prove that he is a MAN. Why is this so important? Because a man whips a non-man in any fight, and Michael is certainly NOT a man. Fans of Classic SNL will remember Eddie Murphy's proof of Michael's androgyny: "Just as I suspected!" And not only is he not a man, I'm beginning to question if he's even human anymore. Look at his face! It looks like a china doll. Apparently, the plastic surgeon wasn't enough, so he started going to the porcelain surgeon. One whack from a microphone and Michael's face will shatter into a thousand pieces. Victory to TAFKATAFKAP!

STEVE: Michael may not be Hulk Hogan, but he is certainly fit. Look at all those fancy dance moves he's always doing! You have to be somewhat in shape in order to pull those off. And all the balance and coordination required for those fancy steps is closely tied to boxing, and dare I say it, martial arts skills.

You mentioned plastic (or porcelain) surgery. I submit to you that it's more like plastic (or porcelain) armor. TAFNATAFKAP could beat Michael about the head all day and Michael won't feel a bit of it. There's no real tissue there, and the hardness of it is going to take it's toll on TAFNATAFKAP's knuckes. Hit after hit, TAFNATAFKAP will look in amazement as Michael just laughs at his pathetic attempts to do him harm.

Finally, as you touched upon earlier, there are his ties with the undead. We've all seen in Thriller how they can appear rather suddenly, and all follow his every command or dance step. With an army of lost souls at his beckoning, you better believe TAFNATAFKAP is in for it. And for added motivation, if TAFNATAFKAP gets killed in the fight, then Michael can control him now too. The outlook: Michael Jackson in 5 minutes while Vincent Price calls the fight at the microphone.

Thanks to the many, many people that suggested this match-up

The Results

TAFKATAFKAP (1459)

pummels

Michael Jackson (602)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

There are two important factors to consider above and beyond the sheer manliness of either participant.

1) Family. MJ may be a wuss, but his sisters can kick major ass. Not even a professional leg-breaker like myself would be quick to face down LaToya with her boa-constrictor. They'd clean TAKPAT, I mean, TAKTAKA, no, TAPKAPAKAP, uh, TAKPATAKPTH-ACK!'s clock right quick. Bubbles, being a Deranged Ape, will savage KATATAKANKA like, well, an evil monkey tormented by years of wierd sexual games beats a cross-dresser.

Provided they reached the stage in time.

2) Prince is a smoker, and as such, probably keeps a purple-anodized zippo on hand, or one of those disposable lighters in smarmy, chrome, dolphin-shaped holders. Michael, beginning the duel in traditional Kzinti fasion, screams in his little girl voice, and leaps!

Swish! Klink! Flickt! Whooooooooosh!

"The Artist Who Resembles Urkle In Drag With Fake Mustache" whips out his zippo, opens the cover in one of those cool-zippo-trick moves, and catches one of Mikey's long, shimmering locks with its flame mid-leap. The Littlest Jackson's grease-laden hair goes up like the Hindenburg, all that plastic he's been deforming himself with catches fire, and his head becomes an inferno spewing black toxic smoke!

If it worked for Pepsi, it will work for Prince. I mean The Artist Formerly...well, you get the picture.

- The Artist Formerly Known as SoupIsGood Food

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

This is one helluva close match. This is even closer than the Pee-Wee/Gilligan matchup. Upon agonizing minutes of deliberation, we realized that Prince has something that that girly-man Michael does not: ruggedness. The ability to generate enough test osterone to acutally cultivate facial hair, however ratty, is the significant difference between the two. Mike has been as hairless as a guppy since the unfortunate Pepsi incident, and he has been trying to hide it beneath correctve surgery and closetful ls of nylon wigs.

Mike will wilt beneath the inexplicable horde of models that rampage from the wings of the stage, driven lust-mad by Prince's skinny, gyrating bod and that skanky nest on his face.

- Telperion & meep

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Michael has always been a victim. His Dad beat him up, the Jehova's Witnesses pushed him around, and Pepsi Cola dumped a flaming hunk of magnesium on his Jheri curls. Even when he took off his pants to pork that 12-year-old, he was ridiculed by the child for his blotchy complexion: "You look like a cow! You look like a cow!" Then MICHAEL wound up sucking the KID'S dick. His own sister trashed him. His pet chimp bit him. Macauley dumped him. Lisa Marie served him papers. Paul McCartney sang with him.

In his bid to look like Jon Benet Ramsey, Michael has inadvertently put himself on the same path of abuse and exploitation. That won't stop now. Michael will be ground into hamburger, unless he's wised up and is packing heat.

- Whit Fisher

First of all I think the fight would have more hair pulling and slapping than punches thrown. But in the end, the Prince would win, does no one remember the movie Purple Rain? He came from an abusive faimly. His dad obviously beat him, a good beating I'm sure. He also smacked his girlfriend - I'm sure if he can beat a defensless woman he can take Michael Jackson.

- Matt

ANYONE who wants to say anything about the manliness of either contestant may shout until he is blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is that they're both damn freaky. Both fathered children (with strange stories surrounding both) and both have been married. That's a toss-up.

As far as toughness is concerned, well, that's a difficult one to call as well. TAFKATAFKAP(tm) took his licks from his Dad in Purple Rain. Notice the diminutive pop-funkster didn't give up. Michael had a cast in the "Black and White" video, and I remember him busting a car window with it. While it may have looked cool, I think TAFKATAFKAP(tm) gets a very slight edge.

So it looks like a nearly-even battle. Certainly based on the criteria above, this fight could go either way (as both Michael and TAFKATAFKAP(tm) almost certainly do), so how do we call it?

Luckily for you unwashed masses you have Sluggo(tm). Remember what kind of guitar TAFKATAFKAP(tm) used to play before that artsy-fartsy model he now uses? It was the classic Fender(tm) Telecaster(tm). Ever lift one of those puppies? They're heavy, trust me. I guarantee that other model guitar is at least of similar weight. So, here's what happens: TAFKATAFKAP(tm) gets some nasty scratches from Michael's sequined glove. Nasty enough that make-up won't cover them for some time. Michael, however, has six ribs cracked from a single swing of TAFKATAFKAP's (tm) guitar. After that, it's no problem to grab Michael and subject him to the Pepsi(tm) incident again. Neither, however, is able to regain the limelight.

- Sluggo at UIC

RECALL, if you will for a moment, the movie Stargate. You may remember the villain of the film, a powerful alien, a being who

we couldn't tell was a man or a woman
we couldn't tell whether he was black or white
enjoyed being surrounded by dozens of scantily-clad young boys.

Do you not see? The alien was, in fact, Michael Jackson. This is hardly surprising; the boy is certainly not of this world, whatever resemblances he might bear to Diana Ross. However, it does make the outcome of this conflict quite simple. Ex-Prince, who will for the remainder of this message, and for all time, be known as Schwa-boy, will be taken back to Michael's Mother Ship, rectally probed, and then beaten like a red-headed stepchild.

Now, what about Lionel Richie?

--Rosencrantz

Brian: Although you make some good points, it seems to me that the only possible winner here is Michael. The key to understanding this match is remembering the difference between a fake lunatic and a real one.

True, both artists have done some pretty riduculous things. TAFKATAFKAP's changing his name to a pseudo-alchemical symbol is intimidatingly wierd, but Michael Jackson's hoarding the Elephant Man's bones and Elizabeth Taylor's underarm deodorant pads, slee ping in an iron lung, and his -er- unseemly interest in TV's Webster are certainly wierder, and... Michael isn't acting. Deep down we all know or at least suspect that TAFKATAFKAP is just posing as a lunatic to get attention. Michael Jackson, on the other hand, is probably EXACTLY as mentally ill as he appears to be, and that will give him the edge in the fight.

Another factor that makes Michael's victory inevitable is TAFKATAFKAP's affinity to pain. Given the sadomasochistic nature of his videos and his relationship with the twin succubi Wendy and Lisa, one might almost suspect that he'll be fighting to LOSE. Mi chael, on the other hand, has been so extensively modified that he now has about as much humanity as a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll, with a corresponding insensivity to pain.

Finally, a quick runthrough of the body of work of both artists will display a huge disparity in their level of talent. While TAFKATAFKAP has had to expend significant amounts of time actually honing his talent, Michael has been under no such burden. His listless hackwork leaves one with the impression that he must have a lot of spare time. Time that he could have used to acquire fighting skills like Jujitsu, which would enable him to make even shorter work of his identity-challenged rival.

- Delbert P. Sweeney

Reconstruction of Death: The first injury appears to be an attemted groin injury, as Prince drove his platform shoes into victim's crotch. (However, as Jackson's crotch grabbing has already shown, he cannot be harmed by being hit there).
The second injury consists of a series of strained muscles, apparently caused by an attempt to strain under-used dancing muscles in an unnsuccesful act of self-defense.
The third major injury involves multiple fractures in the right leg. Guitar shards found imbedded in the bone.
The fatal injury occured when the crippled vicitm fell onto the hot stage lights, and all his constituent plastic parts melted. Without facial tissue or a large portion of his musculature, Michael Jackson expired after 94% of his head dissolved.

A fan interviewed later said "It was like watching the Wicked Witch of the West."

- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
http://www.sayersnet.com/~dusty/

Prince will neutralize Jackson's reach advantage by hitting him in the chest with a guitar and Michael's pathetic excuse for a chest will collapse like Thailand's currency.

As Prince tries to find someone to kick start his motorcycle (there's no freakin way he can do it himself) Michael's sister Janet attacks his skinny ass. He too takes a shot to the sternum and his chest bursts like a chicken in a microwave. The winner i n 3 minutes, 28 seconds--humanity.

- Claymore

Two words: Trademark Looks.

While Michael is nearly always clad in a leather full-bodysuit (which will afford some combat protection), His only trademark item which has any offensive potential is his sequined glove. While it may be a bit scratchy (You messed up my rouge!), It will be of little use.

TAFKATAFKAP (though he is adorned in frilly shirts, which will provide little protection), has the most dangerous looking guitar I've ever seen! Looks like some Medieval Peasant Disemboweler (tm). With his potent axe (no pun intended) by his side, he will be assured victory, and probably a few slasher movie starring roles.

- Musashi Stratocaster

TAFKATAFKAP will wipe the floor with Mikey, no doubt about it.

I live in Minneapolis, and so have a fairly constant exposure to all things Prince-related. Prince had a cook, one of those classically trained French cooks who can truss a cold roast pheasant with a string of hardened caramel, and he told this cook t o make him a lemon cake. So she made him the most beautiful lemon cake ever seen by the eyes of man, with fresh lemons and sugar and eggs and multiple layers and tastefully piped yellow frosting. But no! Prince wanted lemon cake the way his moth er used to make, mixed up out of a box! When the insulted artiste protested, that was the end of her. One of Prince's former security guards also told me that Prince wanted the public road running next to his estate blocked off beca use it disturbed him. Prince has a complete backup band waiting around for him 24 hours a day just in case he feels like recording something at 4 AM. Prince has an entire warehouse full of people who make his... er... clothes.

What does all this prove? It proves the power of Prince's ego. Nothing is allowed to get in its way, especially not reality. What does Michael Jackson do when something gets in his way? He writes a whiny song complaining about it ("Stop Dogg ing Me Around") or retreats to Neverland with his pet 8-year olds.

Really, it hardly even seems fair. Let's just hope that Michael doesn't accidentally rip some of Prince's white lacy shirt ruffles, or things will get really ugly.

---Jinniyah

The real question here isn't who would win this fight, it's after the fight what's going to happen. If Mikey were to win, who from TAFKAPs family is going to come kick MJs ass? Nobody. He's changed his name so many damn times, even his relatives are confused. But say Prince wins, now are you going to tell me that Joe Jackson isn't going to be down there a open up a can of whoopass on Purple Rain's head! If Joe could take his whole family, then he definitely can take the little Prince.

- D

This is silly. Its unforseeable that either of these two could ever win a fight. I see both of them slapping eachother with the force of falling feathers and crying "ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh" "ooooooohhhhhhhh" all the while, then each of them realizing that the opposite's slaps are enjoyable (Michael likes little boys, TAFKATAFKAP likes white women) and then both of them running off together and getting married. Later releasing an album all about their wedding which is overplayed by radio stations and MTV all across America and the world.

- Ringo

Sorry, but either of these pantywaists winning a fistfight would violate the Known Laws of the Universe(tm). To prevent this, a leather-clad Pat Boone comes out and wipes the stage with both of them. He then concludes Kool-Aid with his rendition of Stairway to Heaven.

Yes, as you've mentioned before, the Apocalypse is upon us ...

- Call me Shane

Personal disdain 4 both combatants aside, Prince would kick Michael's butt anyday (& "Michelle" would probably N joy it, but I'll not go there).

So Michael hangs with gangs (dead or alive), pet monkeys, & Macaulay Culkin (the ONLY ally who could do Prince any real damage, a la "Home Alone"). Big deal...Prince leads a whole freakin' REVOLUTION(tm)! Think of the HISTORY B hind that word:

AMERICA, 1776: 225+ years later, still alive & proudly kicking butt.
FRANCE, late 1700's: Who else could come up with a gorier means of executing their enemies than the guillotine!
RUSSIA, early 1900's: Also grew 2 B come 1 of the world's greatest superpowers.
IRAN, 1979: Face it, like 'em or not, they KNOW how 2 play dirty!

& finally, on top of that, Prince is surrounded by a bevy of babes, ALL of whom could soundly kick Michelle's butt & spare Prince the trouble.

But then after that, Morris Day & the Time come along, bust out a couple of verses from "The Bird," and the audience runs Prince out of town (and there was much rejoicing)...

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie (and Who is NOT Changing It Back!)

The only hope for mankind is that the United Nations will declare the event a threat to the entire world. The U.S. having realized this many years ago has just been awaiting an opportunity to destroy the scum. The planes and troops sit on the runways ju st waiting for the Security Council to make it official. After hours and hours of intense carpet bombing, strafing with cannon, and a couple of napalm runs just to be sure, death squads move in to eliminate any survivors and then anyone having purchased t he albums of the artists attending. With this horrible scrouge wiped from the planet all the world celebrates and peace rains forever.

- A very hopeful soldier

There's no way Michael Jackson comes out of this alive. I totally agree that TAFKATAFKAP's hard to explain but undeniable manliness and his Minneapolis background make him the clear victor. As for Michael's purported ties to and control over the undead: no way. Even if they actually existed, viewers of the movie _Fargo_ may remember that TAFKATAFKAP was the murder victim who was running away from the car in the middle of the snowstorm. Anybody who can be shot and killed, lie frozen in the snow in North Dakota, yet still come back to do a benefit concert years later WITHOUT being controlled by some man-made freak with "ties to the undead" is a clear winner!

- Jason Zippay

Now COME ON here! TAFKATAFKAP may be a giant flake, but you're forgetting one element here - an element that you've brought up in nearly every one of your matchups so far, but not put in here - RAGE(tm)!!! Are you trying to tell me that Prince's gonna b e acting *mellow* when that plasticine spidermonkey starts pushing him around and lipping off? YOU, SIR, ARE SADLY MISTAKEN! It doesn't matter who you are, wether you're Prince or Mr. T, you're NOT gonna tolerate no shit offa Mickey there!! Prince just leans forward, graps Mikey by the collar (or by the skin of his chest, which is so malleable it works the same way), lifts him off the ground (which doesn't take any strength as Michael weighs only about 18 pounds soaking wet) and administers a five-min ute long bitch-slapping which disloges four of Michael's hair plugs, breaks twelve of his teeth, knocks his cheekbones loose (they were only held on by Blu-Tack anyway) and generally turns him into mush. The only damage recieved by Prince is from the fla iling limbs of the unconscious King Of Pop.

Let me make it clear, tho', that I am not promoting TAFKATAFKAP's ass-kicking abilities in any way. The only reason he won was the fact that he was squaring off against Mikey, which would guarantee a win for anyone. Honestly, this match is like Mr. Rogers vs. a Dandelion -- sure Mr. Rogers would win, but that's only because he's squaring off against a dandelion (and has a spear, although I forgot to mention that).

- Concerned citizen

This fight will be over before it even begins. Why? Simple, who's backstage to help Micheal fight it out? That's right, Bubbles, Mike's simian cohort. Well, he'll obviously freak out with all the people in the audience watching and cling to Micheal's face so hard that he'll almost smother the once superstar. Prince wins by default, and after the paramedics revive Micheal he'll go back home to spank his monkey (insert groans here)

- Chris "Pastry" Csont

I can't believe neither of you boneheads even mentioned Weird Al Yankovic--This guy is the greatest musician of all time (well, maybe not) but anyway, he's based most of his carreer on making fun of Michael Jackson. If Michael dies (I am assuming that at least one of these losers will be put out of his misery), then Al is gonna have a tough time finding songs to parody. Simply put, if Princ(ess) wins, then Wierd Al's carreer will be in the toilet (Or is it already there?) With this powerful ally, TAFKATAFKAP will be crushed under the almost-powerful onslaught of the two skinny white guys. I agree that "Michelle" Jackson is a total wuss, but with the outside interference, his life and carreer will go on endlessly and we'll always have someone to make fun of.

- The Everlasting Know-it-all

Michael is actually taller than he looks on TV. He is very close to 6 feet tall. Prince however is a shrimp. He is barely 5' 2". Now the average height of a pre-adolescent boy is somewhere close to 5' 2". 'Nuff said. Michael wins and then it gets ugly.

- Bren from NU

One Word: Germs! Michael's afraid of them, TAFKAP's got them! Michael will be afraid of putting his mitts on the Purple One, although he looks awful young and appetizing! Michael will not be able to get past the fact that TAFKAP has had numerous female encounters and may very well have "cooties"...

- Aberde

"Because a man whips a non-man in any fight"?! You just lost the entire female vote with that senseless, thoughtless, mostly idiotic and totally groundless comment, Brian. Feminists, unite behind Michael Jackson just to prove that a non-man can whup a m an's butt any day of the week! Cases in point: Xena vs. any nameless man she goes up against, Minbari (they are non-men) vs. Human, Zsa Zsa Gabore vs. the cop. Men do not hold the monopoly on victories, and I had to vote for Michael Jackson (repugnant though it was) just to help the non-man in the ratings. Just consider it the new breed of Affirmative Action.

- me

Early the morning after "Kool-Aid" (which, surprisingly, seems to have taken place in Brainerd, Minnesota), the police are called to the scene. One of the first to arrive is Chief Marge Gunderson.

"So ya said it was triple homicide, Lou?"
"Kinda, Margie. There's two dead guys and one dead monkey."

Marge looked the scene over. The two dead men on the side of the road were evident, but no monkey was to be seen.

"So, where's the monkey?"
"Over there a ways."
"You got an ID on these dead guys?"
"One of em, yah. The skinny guy is 'Michael Jackson' but the short fella doesn't have a name on his driver's license. Just a funny little symbol doodad. Uh, and the monkey has a name tag with 'Bubbles' on it."
"That's fine Lou."

A pause. Lou waits while Marge looks at some tire tracks and asks a question of the coroner.

"Uh, Margie, you think you got an idea a what happened?"
"Yah, you betcha. There's a lot of footprints over there like these two guys got in a ruckus. Then somebody whacked the monkey, probably the short guy. After that, the short guy walked over here, but the skinny guy chased him and messed him up real bad. Before the short guy passes out, he pulls out a gun and kills the skinny guy in this execution-type deal. Then the short guy passes out and dies of exposure."

Another pause, until Marge speaks up again.

"Hey, Lou, did you find any valuables or anything on the bodies? Something to explain why they did this?"
"Uh, all I found was this here CD."

Lou handed the disk to Margie. It was labeled with the single word "Ben." Marge looked it over for a second, then finally said...

"I think I'm gonna barf!"

(With apologies to Joel & Ethan Coen)

- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold

Just as the fight begins, TAFKATAFKAP lands the first punch, breaking one of Michael's noses, another one taking it's place. Suddenly, Michael roars in pain, which sound more like the squeek an unoiled door makes, and another set of arms, as well as anot her set of legs suddenly appears. It's true. They did scrap Tito for spare parts. With his new quadraped abilities, Michael (centaur) Jackson is taken over by his slightly more masculine brother/appendages, and tramples symbol boy.

- Man with more testosterone than both of them combined

It's easy. Look at TAFKATAFKAP's _other_ other name:

Victor.

- Geoffrey Brent

Neither one of them are going to survive an attack from a thoroughly ticked off Barry Manilow when he sees how they mis-used his song.

- Terpman

An outraged Michael Jackson slaps Prince across the chops, leaving sequins embedded in Prince's face. Howling with mad adrogynous rage, Prince swings his guitar into JoJo's chin, causing his latest nose to go flying into the eighth row. Both parties sta nd stunned and breathless, since this is clearly the greatest exertion either has made in many years. They begin rolling on the ground, hissing and screaming like a pair of preadolescent girls.

Events take a sudden turn as the ghost of Elvis appears in a flash of lightning. He has come seeking revenge against Jackson for defiling (allegedly) his precious daughter. Using his patented ELVIS BLOAT-O-MATIC(tm), he starts to make Jackson expand to the point that his plastic surgery splits and tears, causing him to collapse to the stage in a pile of steaming entrails and innards. Avenged at last, the King returns to eternal rest with a "thank yuh vermuch."

In commemoration of the event, Prince once again changes his name, this time to "Murray" and finally shaves off that ridiculous 5-o'clock shadow.

- Bill Lindich

Boy, I do love a good cat fight. I really think He Who Used To Be Known as A Guy and Not Some Prissy Michael Jackson Clone (hereafter to be known as HWUTBKAAGANSPMJC) doesn't really stand a chance. It's the whole changing name thing that leads me to this conclusion.

Technically, I have a Ph.D. in crappy name changing.

From Joe to Spiderman to FrogBoy to Joe-bob-er-a-roo-nie to the Aspirin God to Hellraiser to Some Dork to the Spiritual Warrior and possibly the Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality, depending if the current holder gives up the title, I have had many names, and let me tell you, I couldn't kick anyone's ass. Really, I'd have a hard time taking Michael's Monkey, much less him or his clone. That is why I think Michael will scratch and claw and shriek and bite HWUTBKAAGANSPMJC into a bloody pulp.

- Some Dork (for now)

Just looking at the work that these two "men" have done will easily demonstrate Michael to be the victor. First off, you've never heard the words "Maybe I'm just like my mother" coming out of ol' Jacko's mouth. And remember "My Name is Prince"? TAFKATAFKAP released that song and shortly after changed his name. This really demonstrates a lack of a commitment on the part of TAFKATAFKAP. He'll start out wanting to fight and then immediately decide that he's The Artist that Formerly Wanted to Fight(tm). Shortly after, Michael will transform him into The Only Person (Artist Or Otherwise) To Get His Ass Kicked By Michael Jackson (TOP(AOO)TGHAKBMJ for short) Michael isn't like TOP(AOO)TGHAKBMJ(tm). He's bad (really, really bad). Shortly after releasing Bad, he didn't change his mind on the whole badness thing, in fact he continued the downward slide into badness. This is a man that smashes up a car while singing an anti-racism song, who knows how far his rage(tm) will take him if he's attacked by a little stick boy that's "just like his mother"? Michael kicks ass and adds TOP(AOO)TGHAKBMJ to his ever-growing army of the undead.

- P. Boora

I voted for the schizophrenic flamer(TM) because he is the only one of the two who I believe was ever of the masculine gender. Not that I think he is now, but that little mustache had to come from somewhere. Although I've seen some women.......Anyway, m y testosterone level went down by reading this match-up so I need to get to a porn site ASAP! I am disappointed in whoever suggested this match because a fight is something neither one of these fruits will ever be in. Perhaps if it was a name-calling co ntest.....

- The Commissioner of Debauchery

I can't believe there is any debate over this: a skinny guitar playing runt vs. someone with a well documented abilities -- I mean we've all seen the videos right? -- that include shapeshifting, the ability to teleport by spining into thousands of fragments, and the afforementioned ability to control the undead. In fact Michael's affinity to control the undead sort of explains his recent career: it looks dead, it acts dead, and yet somehow just keeps going...

- frogstar

I find that it easy to judge who will win many of the WWWF Fights simply on Laughability. Anyone who has a little brother should understand. If my younger brother becomes enraged and tries to beat me up, I can't stop laughing and am reduced to the floor as his pitiful blows bounce of me. It is simply impossible to win a fight against someone who you can't keep a straight face looking at.

EVERY time I see Micheal Jackson all of the paedophile jokes, monkey antics, plastic surgery, Jarvis Cocker incidents and worst of all the UNDEAD scene.... spring to mind.. Prince will be on the deck wetting his pants with laughter just trying to look at him. All Micheal has to do is take advantage.....

- Napoleon

Michael Jackson takes the initiative and calls forth his hordes of zombies. TAFKATAFKAP responds by turning around to show off his expertly tailored bottomless pants. The zombies are at once both frightened and mesmerized by the Princely bottom. The spell that gives them life snaps like a cheap bungie cord and they fall to a rotting heap on the ground. Michael is unaffected by TAFKATAFKAP's too feminine posterior. He dances over the corpses and calls for the power of The Children (TM). Hundreds of grimy faced little imps threaten to smother TAFKATAFKP with cuteness. In a rage, TAFKATAFKAP unleashes a torrent of Purple Acid Rain (TM). The devil children run screaming as their faces melt off. Plastic-enhanced Michael doesn't run, but he does start screaming. Windows shatter all around and the amplifiers explode, hurling shrapnel and deadly voltage into the audience. TAFKATAFKAP counters with his own high-pitched howling and the screaming match rages on. It seems like the screaming will never end until Michael notices that his fly is down. As he pauses to zip up, TAFKATAFKAP is in position for the fatal blow. He hefts his guitar and sets to swing, when Bubbles leaps from the rafters and absorbs the force that would have crushed Michael's skull. Bubbles' last act before dying is to fill Michael with the last remnants of his monkey magic. Michael transforms into a giant robot, weilding lasers of death that fry TAFKATAFKAP to a crisp. It's a sad demise made even more tragic by the fact that TAFKATAFKAP will never be able to cash in the royalty checks next New Year's Rockin' Eve when people are partying like it's 1999.

The moral of the story? Beware of the monkey!

- danman@mad.scientist.com

Well, obviously, the fight isn't going to come down to which of the individuals is the stronger, tougher, whatever, because as soon as the first slap is thrown, the hordes of bodyguards will rush the stage, and an all-out pitched melee will begin between the two opposing camps. In that sort of fight, the winner's gotta be Michael. I mean, obviously, his bodyguards are the best money can buy, and Michael's got a lot more money than TAFKATAFKAP. After a furious barrage of bullets, grenades and particle-a ccelerator beams (I'm sure Michael's got 'em), the purple camp will be decimated, and the gloved one will stand victorious.

- Derminator

TAFKATAFKAP will prevail, though it will be a close match. Both of them are obviously helium-breathing aliens from the planet Playtex. I must concur with the argument that it's a real MAN who wins the fight; the evidence of sheer accumulated babeage and prepaid naked ladies featured in videos obviously favors Prince Heiroglyph.

But the real test, of course, is the deeper voice. Even with the dreaded Ween-style distortion and Olive Oyle diction, TAFKATAFKAP has a manly basso profundo compared to the shrieking Valkyrie that is Michael.

But here's an Equal Time statement formerly required by governmental decree: all issues of violence aside, Michael Jackson is not the victor. But she is certainly lovely.

- The Dark Twit

Here's all the analysis you need...

Michael Jackson is The King of Pop.

TAFKATAFKAP was once a lowly Prince, but is now a mere Artist, not even ennobled anymore.

MJ wins by Divine Right of Kings.

- Aero

Such an epic battle as this one can only take place in the form of a mid-80�s concept video. Prince stars as a menacing, Rasputin-like figure who lives in a domain of wild sex and promiscuity. As the video opens, several young innocent children on their way to meet their �friend� Michael Jackson at his Neverland theme park mistakenly enter into the center of Prince�s libidinous domain, where Prince confronts them with the notion of puberty. Under his magical spell the children start to grow in to their teens and sway to the beat for Prince�s grinding music (naturally all of the action takes place in a large chamber suitable for group dance performances). Suddenly, Michael appears and jumps into the fray, attempting to stop Prince from �tainting� his �special friends� by suggesting that they all just go back to Neverland and forget about all that nasty growing up business.

But it is all part of Prince�s devious trap. Using his seductive talents, the dark Prince of Groove has enlisted Michael�s own sister Janet against him. Hypnotized by the song Prince "wrote just for her" Janet now performs for Prince�s pleasure as part of the new group "Janet 6", fronted by Janet and backed by the Spice Girls. The sight of his own sister performing the moves he taught her with a sexually suggestive twist, plus the presence of the Spice Girls triggers a flashback to the "Pepsi incident", paralyzing Michael. Prince�s groupies are on him at once, and for a second he disappears from sight, only to disappear completely�

As the groupies disperse from the spot where Michael last stood, each of his friends shed a tear for their �pal� Michael despite Prince�s powerful spell. (at this point the music dies down, leaving just the rhythm track as Prince�s followers move to the edges of his central chamber and take a brief rest from their orgiastic routines).

It is at this time that a lone, cloaked figure approaches the center of the room, stirring Prince�s minions from their sleep. With a flick of his hand the cloak drops to reveal - Michael Flatley, Lord of The Dance. Prince leaps forward to threaten the folk dance phenom with his suggestively shaped guitar, but Flatley dismisses him with a flick of the hand before starting his trademark Irish step dance. Members of Prince�s retinue cannot help but be caught up in "Riverdance fever", the pulse of their pounding feet increasing, until in a blinding flash of light, Flatley morphs into - Michael Jackson in a gleaming silver space-suit. "It was Michael all along," gushes his friends as Michael starts the big dance number. Janet, free of Prince�s spell, joins Michael to trade a few dance moves just as the Purple one, seeking to flee the scene, is crushed by a flying house piloted by none other than Diana Ross reprising her role in "the Wiz". Prince�s 12" ruby platform shoes, peeking out from under the wreckage, prove to be the magical key in restoring Michael�s friends to their prepubescent state, and all live happily ever after�

�until 1999, of course. But that is a tale for another day�

- Dave C.

very funny guys!

- kooldood

This is a tough call. Like the two pugilists themselves, this fight could go either way. However, I don't think either of these two pansies will be able to do any real damage to the other. After they've been flailing at each other for a while, Ray Charles , disgusted with what they have turned his soul music legacy into, will get up on stage and beat the crap out of both of them.

- Doug T.

I have to side with Prince on this one, but I'd like to think of it more as voting against Michael Jackson than for TAFKATAFXQRAT#*$+#@YP. If we were talking about MJ in the days of Thriller, with his red jacket and unholy army of the undead, he'd win. If we were talking about MJ in the days of BAD, with kickass buckles, leather, chains, and (admittingly mincing) street gang, he'd still win.
But Michael Jackson NOW? Get real! His scrawnier than ever, more effeminate than a San Fransisco towel-boy(tm), and the last video I saw him in all he was hanging out with was a bunch of six-year olds in one of those starving, third-world, loser countries. Any fighting (or necromantic) skills Michael may have once had are long gone now.
The fight would go something like this: Michael grabs his crotch (his only good move) and girly-slaps Prince. This enrages the purple-clad fruitloop (Purple is a power-color if there ever was one. What do pimps wear?) who immediately bashes Jackson in the head with his guitar which, as Steve pointed out, is bigger than he is. This forces Jackson's 100% plastic/silicone/rayon blend head down into his chest cavity, destroying whatever vital organs remain. Prince wins the fight, but is later mugged and killed by Bubbles.

- pyre

We learned from the ROTW(tm) from the Gong Show fiasco that people love freaks. Freaks win. Therefore we can see simply that the freakier of the two will come out on top. Obviously it's...what's his name...the guy with the high pitched voice, the wierd clothes and the feminine features.

- John

As we see these two go at it, I'd like to say a couple things:
TAFKATAFKAP is now known as simply "The Artist". I however, will still call him "Prince".
MJ's had his nose worked on so extensively that the very tip is actually dead and falling off. He has to hold it on with special glue when he goes out in public.

That being said, I'll get to the point. This will come down to one matter: weaponry. Prince can whip out that gun-mike thing (tm) he had in the video for 7, as well as the scimitar balanced on his hot wife's head (she's been doing that since she was 9). What's MJ going to do, have Bubbles throw his feces? Actually, MJ will invoke his powers as the Moonwalker (tm) (remember that movie?) and turn into that robot with all those shields and lasers. However, Prince still has one more thing up his sleeve.

On the box to one of his movies (I think it's Graffiti Bridge), Prince is shown in the holding-a-guitar-and-streaking-into-the-sky pose (tm). Who originated that, may I ask you? The answer? Simple- it was Jimi. Yes, Prince possesses the Power of Jimi (tm). As we all know and was brought up during the commentary, a man will defeat a non-man any day of the week, but I have another point to make. A black man will defeat a white man with even better certainty (Dirty Harry vs. Shaft be damned!! That was a recognizability contest.).

Prince may not be very black anymore, but a) you can still tell he's black and b) he has the aforementioned Power of Jimi (tm). Therefore, when MJ tries to turn into a spaceship and warp off into the sky, the Jimi-fied Prince will do the sky-streaking-into-thing (tm) and shatter MJ's hull, sending him crashing into the most horrible place on Earth- a Hanson concert.

- Nick Zachariasen

Just as the match begins fog-lux 2000 smoke machines cloud the stage in an instantly distracting burst of smoke. Accompanied by some pyrotechnic mania, James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, a.k.a. the King of Soul, a.k.a. the Hardest Workin' Man in Show Bizness, a.k.a. Soul Brother No. 1, a.k.a. Mr. Dynamite, a.k.a Mr. Please, Please, a.k.a. the Arbiter of the New Nuclear Powered Funk, a.k.a. the Ambassador of Soul, descends to the stage in a gilded thone surrounded by a throng of beautiful, buff dancing girls (all in their early twenties) wearing skin tight American Flag tm. dancing outfits. The entire "Deus ex Machina" display of grandiose entrance occurs simultaneously to a background medly of "Living in America" (a la Rocky IV) and "Sex Machine". The Godfather, obviously disturbed at being interrupted in whatever Funk activity he was undertaking in some other part of the globe slides over to the Mic. tm. to make an announcement, nay a proclamation of sorts: "Huhhhh!!!!" he grunts..."The winner of this match is gonna go into my will as the inheritor of the Royal Funkempire tm.!!!" Purple caped Brown is momentarily silenced by the thunderous reaction of the crowd: "Now I ain't retirin' until 2065, but when I do, I want to rest assured that someone who knows how to be the boss is left in charge!!!"

Both men, Prince and Jackson, slowly raise their kneeling frames and walk over to the Potentate of Soul. Each grabs a hand of the Enthroned One and has a choice of at least five different rings to kiss.

Stage lights slowly dim over the Godfather, thrusting the two younger upstarts into the limelight. They circle each other hungrily until suddenly in another Deus Ex Machina moment, a gigantic Robotic "Bubbles the Chimp" tm. bursts onto the scene. Bubbles and Michael last a matter of seconds before Batman (Keaton incarnation) WITH Kim Bassinger (still swooning from the last time she hooked up with Prince) show up and start kickin' some major ass. The caped wonder cleans up and then disappears with his entourage just as the other Caped One, The Godfather of Soul reemerges with his entourage to bestow the princely diadem upon the head of the heir apparent.

"Learn the meanin' of thy true and original name, son." "Also know that I am your father." "Avoid the false and evil ways of the hieroglyph and rule with me as Father and Son."

At that point, James, ascends to a higher plane as the hydraulics of his special effect throne kick in, leaving Prince along on the stage standing atop the now collectible bones of the former Michael Jackson.

- Disco Daron

Michael Jackson is going to win this one for one reason only: Prince is a total wuss. It takes a special kind of person to look like a wuss in the presence of Michael Jackson, but Prince is that person.

Why do I say this? Well, Boy George once publicly said that Prince looked like "A dwarf dipped in pubic hair". So what did Prince do? Did he retaliate? Did he seek retribution? No. He changed his name.

That is the same thing someone in the witness protection agency does when he is afraid the mob is going to kill him. Anyone afraid of Boy George is not going to win any fight!

- Anonymous (I hope I spelled that right)

I'm Tabitha Soren, this is the final edition of MTV's Week In Rock. All the world last week was watching the Kool Aid benefit concert on MTV when a fight broke out between Michael Jackson and Prince. The chaos that followed has shaken the music industry and left many musicians in the hospital. When the fighting broke out, Dan Cortese was there:

"Dan, this is Kurt Loder. In our ever vigilant attempt to exploit the music for ratings and political correctness, who do you think has the upper hand."
"They're pretty evenly matched in my opinion. Michael definitely has the combat advantage. With all those years grabbing at his own testicles, he is an expert on how to grab penis, a devastating weapon, and his own Jackson jewels are well hardened against counterattacks. On the other hand, Prince definitely is more motivated. With the end of the millenium coming up, his song 1999 is going to be in great demand at New Years celebrations, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and senior proms. He wants the cash. [p ause] I've lost sight of them, Kurt."

With the headline acts unable to perform and the possibility of dead air for the last five minutes, the promoters asked George Michaels to take their place. Michaels, who had performed at the start of the show, apparently had started the after concert partying a little early. For reasons unknown, he turned his back to the audience, pulled down his pants and asked them to quote "Look at my butt!" With a live report was our very own Jenny McCarthy:

"Eww! George Michaels has just pulled down his pants and is demanding that everyone "worship" his butt. This is SO GROSS! Wait a minute, it seems that some people have come from the backstage party - it's - it's - Sir Mixx A Lot and Elton John. I think Elton is admiring the ass while Sir Mixx just keeps repeating "BABY GOT BACK!" Wait a second, it appears Elton John is upset. He wants the butt to himself. HE SLAPPED SIR MIXX! [pfffffft!] Man, WHAT DIED IN HERE?!"

This was only the beginning of the violence that marred the end of the concert. Over one dozen fights were reported between music superstars, most noticeably an all out catfight between Madonna and Hole lead singer Courtney Love during a intervi ew with our very own Kennedy. Both singers ended up in the emergency room with third degree scratches. Kennedy was unharmed except that her top was torn off and her breasts were in full view of the camera for thirty seconds. None of the censors noticed th e difference.

Finally, Michael Jackson reappeared on stage. The late Kurt Loder was there for the interview:

"Michael, where's Prince?"
"Let's just say Bubbles got hungry, HEE HEE!"
"Will there be any more bitch slapping tonight?"
"Kurt, why are you such a meanie?!"
"Because I work for a network that gave shows to Beavis and Butthead, Jenny McCarthy and Cindy Crawford and I all I get to do is the $%&^*# news. You would be an asshole too. Now get out of my face, you pervert! [faces camera] I've heard they have sent a third final act in a hope of saving some face... OH MY GOD! They sent out Yoko Ono! AND SHE'S NOT EVEN SINGING A JOHN LENNON SONG! I THINK I'M GOING TO VOMIT!"

Yoko had finished about half a verse of Ice Ice Baby when Kurt blew her head off with a shotgun and then turned the gun on himself. After checking the polls, President Clinton praised the action as a service to all Americans. Kurt and Yoko will have a closed casket funeral next week at Benny's CD Palace and, afterwards, the bodies will be thrown in the nearest dumpster for proper burial at an unspecificed landfill.

So long from the Week In Rock (Can I get the *^&% out of here now?)

- Paul Golba

Let's face it, as was said earlier, a man beats a non-man in any fight, and there is the historical precedant to prove it: the germans vs. the french, the english vs. the French (Agincourt), anyone vs. the French (except Napoloen, but he wasn't French). Thus, through the extension of French logic, we can see that the King of Pop will be destroyed by the heir apparent. The King is Dead, Long Live the King!

- I should study for finals.

It was noted that Michael Jackson spent his entire childhood in Beverly Hills with Tito and Jermaine, while Whatshisface spent his on the streets of Minneapolis. This is very true, but Whatshisface didn't have Papa Jackson beating the *&$% outta him and all his siblings on a regular basis. That's the kinda treatment that spawned the Menendez brothers, keep in mind. That's why I think Michael will kill whoever-the-blazes-that-freak-is, then blame his lovely, gentle Papa for all of it in hopes of getting a mistrial.

Also note, my father lives in Minneapolis, and I've been there. I hate to say it, but that population seems to consist mostly of harmless Norwegians who would rather skinny dip in a frozen pond than kill you for your shoes.

- Meglet

Remember, Michael Jackson has already told us (or at least Paul McCartney) "I already told you, I'm a lover, not a fighter." Even he knows he can't fight. He doesn't stand a chance.

- The Net Prophet

Gentlemen, you have forgotten what this fight is really about. Its not about pride or anger or testosterone, its about publicity. Its a desperate attempt to resurrect two dying carrers, and the sad fact is that a fight, even a fight between two such obvious powerhouses as Jackson and TAFKATAFKAP, isn't really going to draw the public's attention.

Why is that you might ask, well the answer is simple. To paraphrase the greatest sports promotional man of our time, the great Rev. Fred Sultan, the public is sick of seeing one brother beat up on another brother. Its never going to sell, we've been there, done that, and we know probably the best we can hope for is an ear getting bitten off which is kinda cool and all but still sucks when we were expecting at least twelve rounds.

As such a third challenger must enter this matchup, a competitor worthy of taking on two such titans, and most important of all a challenger of Caucasian ancestory. Who else can enter the fray, but the one and only Elton John. Elton will probably take out TAFKATAFKAP immediately, just leaving him to face the nearly invincible Jackson. It will be a good fight, but just as the other great plastic surgeon created supervillain of our times, the Joker, went down in the fifteenth round, so will Jackson fall. (I'm pretty sure Elton owns a cape and tights, so I feel pretty safe in assuming he can assume the role of Batman) Score one for the white boy. Now lets bring on Holyfield.

- Brendan W. Guy

Sorry, this one's easy. First off, if we are talking about 80's revivals, I hope you all remember that copy of Thriller the album that you all bought, which, at last count, was still the highest selling album ever, by about 7 million copies.

Second, Michael Jackson obviously has some kind of black magic going, which will help him defeat the evil TAFKACRAPGUY. Of course, first, there's Thriller the video... I mean this guy's got it all. He can change into a werewolf to scare his woman (tm) into going home for a little sumpin-sumpin. Then of course, he can turn into a zombie seeminly at will. Add this to the fact that all the makeup and surgery over the years, and he's already half preserved.

Next, didn't anyone ever see Captain EO at Disney World? Michael had this cool science fiction stuff going on, and all, man was it cool.

How about Moonwalker, huh? Did anyone ever see that movie? Not only can Michael dance, he can turn into a claymation rabbit (tm) at seemingly will, to elude even the sharpest of fans and traffic cops. What about some of his other videos? Black or White? He's got a whole army of face changing ghouls under the command of his black magic. And, he's got the influence of the Utimate McCauley Culkin (tm). If Michael sees his white ass in trouble, he can always call in Mr. Home Alone, aka The Good Son, to take care of the little whup-ass action for him. I mean, We're talking this kid took out Joe Pesci, Mr. Shoe Shine Box himself, not once, but twice! Man, I'd hate to be that kid's enemy. Did anyone see The Good Son? Nuff said.

Back onto Michael Jackson. What about that other video, the one with Magic Johnson, and David Bowie's wife, Iman. Michael obviously has the ability to disappear into thin air, and summon beautiful woman dancers, seemingly at will. Wow. Now wouldn't you say he's got black magic? As for The Artist's videos, all he can do is wiggle his assless pants seemingly at will. Michael in a crushing defeat.

- JediPants, http://www.rpi.edu/~sheldj/
Dead link -- redirected to university homepage

Michael and Prince aren't a minute into their wannabe "street fight" when their minions show up to settle the score. Michael holds up his baby, coincidentally also named Prince. "Look here, purple boy. My baby at least lived!"
"Low Blow," shouts Prince, "too bad no one actually believes its yours."
"Why not?" asks Michael.
"Because we all know what you did to these kids!" Suddenly Prince is surrounded by a legion of children, and they begin to march towards the King of Pop.
"My fans!" shouts Michael. "They've deserted me," he says to his wife, although as he realizes when he turns, that she and the baby have left the scene.
"If you're looking for your wife, remember her?" asked Prince, and out came Lisa Marie. "And she's brought a special guest." And out came Elvis.
"You defiled my little girl," the King of Rock proclaimed.
"And don't forget these guys," shouts Prince. A camera crew filming a Pepsi commercial appears on the front lines.
Michael takes a step back. "Oh No!" he shouts, remembering the last time he filmed a Pepsi commercial. "We'll, have a little of this!"
And Michael grabbed his crotch to empower his music, and he began to sing "Thriller" and rose the dead to join his army. And then he began to sing the theme to "Ben" and hordes of rats descended upon Prince.
"No Way," said Prince, "Two Can Play." And he began to sing "Batdance," and Batman showed up, as did the Joker. Meanwhile, the army of rats met the army of children, and the rats were turned away. Prince saw this victory and turned to Batman and the Joker. "Finish Him," he ordered. Prince's army closed in on Michael's army of the undead, which was quickly imobilized with a spurt from the Joker's deadly laughing gas.
Michael stood there, alone, in the corner of the stage, as Prince's minions closed in. And then he looked up and saw it, the key to his salvation. But that alone wouldn't do it. He needed a distraction, and he opened his mouth to sing the "Free Willy" theme to summon a giant killer whale. But it was unneeded. Batman and the Joker exchanged glances and punched Prince in the back of the head. Prince went down. "That's for taking away from my movie with your crappy songs!" Batman shouted. "And cutting in on my profits," exclaimed the Joker." And Batman shot his escape line and he and the Joker flew away. "WOOOOW!" shouted Michael, spinning on his feet and doing a moonwalk.
"Say goodnight, TAFKATAFKAP," said Michael.
Debbie came out and attacked Lisa Marie, while Elvis was distracting the Pepsi vendors looking for a donut. Prince turned his head to see a legion of lawyers dispersing money to the crowd of children. The happily paid off children dispersed, leaving Prince all alone.
Michael spun once more, grabbed his crotch, and thrust his free hand towards Prince, firing a Captain EO energy charge towards Prince, empowered by George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola. Prince disintegrated into a cloud of nothingness. "WOOOW!" shouted Michael as he danced into the night, singing and celebrating his victory.

- Vader

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Dennis Rodman v. RuPaul
Pee-Wee Herman v. Gilligan
The Village People v. The Spice Girls