The rock is truly man's best friend. Indeed human civilization and perhaps even humanity itself would not have ever developed if not for the rock. Our first invention, fire, came from banging rocks together. Our first weapons came from picking up the sharp rocks. Our first currency was the pretty shiny rocks. And of course man would never have had the chance to discover all the myriad uses of rocks if a big rock hadn't come along and wiped out all the dinosaurs for us. Even today mankind has continued to honor the rock for all it has done for us. Our music (Rock & Roll), our mythological heroes (Sergeant Rock, Rocky Balboa) and even the human sexual act (Rock the Casbah) have all been named to honor the mighty Rock. And no one less than the great Calvin himself has shown us that rocks are possessed of divine power when he described them as being "ballistic missiles from God."
How can scissors or paper possibly compete against the proud legacy and overwhelming might of the rock? What can they even do to a rock? Stab a rock with a pair of scissors and all you've got is some broken scissors. As for paper, I can't even begin to imagine what it could do to hurt a rock. Wrap itself around the rock maybe but that doesn't actually hurt the rock any (its not like it can suffocate the rock or anything).
Rock has the patience (it will gladly spend centuries or even millennia forming into mountains and continents), the power (how many cave bears have scissors or paper brought down) and the prestige needed to crush both scissors and paper once and for all. Igneous, sedimentary, or metamorphic, it will be the victor. If you doubt that, you must have rocks in your head.
Paper is the lightest of the competitors, so it can dodge and weave from its opponents (much like the plastic bag in American Beauty, now THERE'S a worthy opponent). Don't let the "almost lighter than air" thing fool you, though. Paper, like a featherweight boxer, can hurt you when you least expect it. Whoever heard of "death by a thousand rock cuts" or "death by a thousand scissor cuts"? People know that paper can inflict a world of hurt, and that's what its gonna do to the rock and scissors today.
Rocks were briefly in the public limelight, when they were considered pets, but the drugs eventually wore off and people realized how stupid they had been. Scissors are seen as a threat to public health and well-being; you simply CANNOT RUN WITH THEM. Running with rocks is kind of stupid, but running with paper is done all the time (and even required in track competitions).
Paper is one of the single most important inventions ever; it has so many more uses than rocks and scissors combined. When Puff Daddy wrote "It's all about the Benjamins", d'you think he was referring to rocks or scissors? Hell no! He's talking about the most popular form of paper: money. It's been a long time since anyone used rocks to pay for anything, and they were abandoned for the lighter and more portable paper format; scissors aren't going to replace paper in this (or any) lifetime, continuing paper's dominance.
As if that weren't enough, let's close the deal with iron-clad Simpsonian™ proof (pat. pend.) that paper rules:
There are three stages of societal development: barbarism, civilization, and decadence. Barbarism is represented by rock, a connection so obvious that the Dawn of Man™ is named the Stone Age. Rocks were our tools, our shelter, our washing implements, our clothing, even our food (hey, what do you think salt is?). It was primitive. It was natural. It was awful. Who wants to live that way? Rocks? Please!
Civilization, in its current incarnation, is most notable for industrialization. We created tools on a massive scale to rework the world around us, protect us from nature and the elements, move us faster, keep us cleaner, and make us richer. Industry and its tools made life worth living. Scissors are the embodiment of that bounty.
Then there's decadence, and paper. The luxury of an industrial society made paper, and all its leisure uses, common. We produced so much paper, we felt compelled to fill it all with words. To anybody who has read enough, however, it's obvious we don't have that much worthwhile to say--but that didn't keep us from cramming that paper with increasingly vacuous and insipid scribblings, from Das Kapital (ridiculous, but learned-sounding) to TV Guide (no comment necessary). Then we tried to escape the awfulness of paper by putting our stupidity on electronic paper (i.e., the Internet), and the result, as I'm sure you've noticed, has been an explosion of stupidity unparalleled in human history. {Grudge Match specifically excepted.} Paper is thin. It is empty. It is shallow. It belongs next to the toilet, and nowhere else.
And to all those spoilsport kids who ruined one of these games by calling "Dynamite!", all I have to say is: scissors snips fuse.
Don't mess with scissors, guys. You'll hurt yourselves.
I voted for what's really important. Every tried wiping yourself
with a rock? Not exactly effective. And scissors... well, they'll
at least take care of your hemorrhoids.
Hold up a sec. Since when was it Rock, Paper, Scissors? Someone on the Grudge staff must be verbally dyslexic, since the only true game is Rock, Scissors, Paper, in that order.
This was not just an innocent little goof. Someone juxtaposed Scissors and Paper intentionally, for their own nefarious goals.
The middle part of any series is always forgotten. For example, what’s the plot of Police Academy 4? Don’t remember, do you? The original Police Academy is fresh in your head, as is Mission to Moscow, but those middle ones are just neurons in your brain recycled to remember the order the Survivor people got booted off. Thus, the Paper-Scissors switch was made so you guys would say Scissors more.
Who would want that? It’s not Paper: taking the middle slot purposefully is like volunteering to take bitch on a road trip. And it’s not Scissors: the switch just buried the one guy Scissors can take down. That leaves one last suspect. Take a guess.
No, not Squirtle. Not Bulbasaur either. OK, no more guesses for you. It’s Rock. He buried his mortal enemy Paper like a dog pill in a hunk of cheese, and brought Scissors forward, the Peter McNeely of finger gestures, who he can easily give a people’s elbow to.
Thus, Rock will win. He cheated to win, but the world ain’t a fairy tale.
I sit here musing over the chicken-and-egg paradox this latest match-
up presents. Basically, we have three combatants, each of which is
weak against one other and strong against the other. So, what's the
best course to resolve rock vs. scissors vs. papers? In the end, I
came up with two answers, both of which I'll present to you.
(Because, hey, it's either this, or staring at online layouts of my
motherboard and deciding whether to flash my BIOS. On another note,
have you ever noticed the inherent sexual overtones of computer
technology? "Flash my BIOS," "tweak my DUN," "play with the registry"
and so forth. But I digress.)
First, how about money? Aye, there's a popular barometer of success!
Let's go to the Internet Movie Database!
"The Rock", which was made for $25 mil in 1996, grossed $125 mil in
domestic box office. (All box office figures discount foreign
receipts because, frankly, who gives a good goddam whether the
Japanese or British liked it? I mean, have you SEEN some of THEIR
films?! They'll pay for these movies and like it, dammit!)
"The Paper," (1994) starring Michael Keaton and Randy Quaid, grossed
a hair under $39 mil. (No further information about the movie's
costs.)
The last entry, scissors, provided a challenge. Doing a search on
IMDb came up with this stunning result: "Scissors" (1966, Animated,
Canada) - The imaginary life cycle of a pair of scissors, from birth
to reproduction.
Where do I even begin to make fun of this find? By knocking the fact
that box office receipts weren't even mentioned? By kicking our
neighbors to the North in the seat of their pants (again)? No, in all
fairness to scissors, let's go to "Edward Scissorhands."
"Edward Scissorhands" (1990), starring Johnny Depp, directed by Tim
Burton. A hair over $56 mil.
And there you have it - a story about big-city desensitization and
regaining love for your fellow man plus a modern allegory about
living with a disability beaten out by big 'splosions. "Edward
Scissorhands" beats "The Paper" and "The Rock" beats "Edward
Scissorhands." All is right with the world.
Second Installment (A): I WAS going to do a bit about The Rock from
the WWF, but after using sophisticated computer equipment, my
calculations show that 63.2 percent of all commentators to this fight
will mention the pro wrestler in one form or another. I opt out.
(Ed. Note -- Your guess was low. See below.)
Second Installment (B): I'll shorten it and wrap it up. Here goes.
When mentioning Rock, you can't forget Rock's partner Roll. And with
Rock 'n' Roll comes their alliance with Earth, Wind, and Fire. An
unbeatable combination, these five. Rock, Roll, Earth, Wind, and Fire
in two seconds flat, and the victorious go back to their crib to
smoke the chronic.
The Rock™ guaran-dang-tees that The Rock™ will win because
Paper is a Rooty Pooh Candy-@$$™ and that Scissors is a Grade-A
Piece Of Monkey Crap™ And you know what The Great One™ does
with Candy @$$es™ like these? Let me tell you what The
Rock™'s gonna do: The Rock™'s gonna walk down The People's
Ramp™, The Rock™'s gonna step into The People's Ring™,
The Rock™'s gonna raise The People's Eyebrow™, and The
Rock™'s gonna Lay the Smack Down™ on their Candy-
@$$es™! And then The Rock's gonna take his Big Boot, turn it
sideways, and shove it up Devin's Monkey-@$$™ as an encore;
because he knows that Brendan is one of the millions of people
chanting The Rock™'s name.
And finally, The Rock™ doesn't care what that Canadian, Stone
Cold-imitating Jabroni™ or that Sci-Fi-writing Jabroni™
from the Jersey Trailer Park think. Because The Rock™ is The
People's Champion™, and The Rock™ says to them, "Shut Your
Mouth And Know Your Role™!"
- forwarded by The Rock(tm) Jihad (The Rock(tm) Says There Is No Jihad, Jabroni(tm)!)
Waitaminute, if paper hadn't been invented and we hadn't tried to
escape the awfulness of paper by putting our stupidity on electronic
paper (the Internet), doesn't that mean that the Grudge Match wouldn't
have been invented and my brain wouldn't have been permanently
scarred after reading the voter responses in the Lector vs. Dahmer
match?
- Boba Foot (P.S. I'm off to bomb China for inventing the damn thing in the first place)
Now, if you were alone in a darkened alley, what would you rather
be holding? A sheet a paper? Oooohhh... that's scary! A rock?
Okay, that's a little bit more of a threat.
"Sergeant: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to
defend yourselves against fresh fruit."
"Walsh: And pointed sticks. "
Scissors will win in a bloody massacre.
Nature saw a good thing in Rock, and ran with it, unlike scissors.
Rock isn't vulnerable to fire, like Paper, nor will it rust after
being left out in the rain like Scissors. Advantage: Rock.
Plus, if you squeeze Rock hard enough, you get Diamond. This ability
gives Rock the final advantage. It gives Rock motivation to win.
Diamond is girl's best friend, and if Rock wins, Rock goes home with
the babes, which is really the reason Rock, Scissors and Paper were
fighting anyway. Match, Set, Game: Rock!
If logic tells us anything, it's that the People's champ will come
away with this one. But that's not the way Vinnie Mac operates.
In a stunning move, he decides to put the Scissors over in a title
match. This kid has a bright future and it's important for him to
connect with the fans.
Vince MacMahon says, Scissors wins the bout.
Considering the influence of the invention of
movable-type printing over the fate of Humanity in the last 500 years,
I think it should be clear that paper is the most effective
combatant. With rocks, you have The Flintstones. With
edged-weapons, you have Gladiator. With paper, you have
The Reformation, The Declaration of Independence, Uncle Tom's
Cabin, Upton Sinclair's The Jungle, Playboy Magazi...
...uh, you get the idea.
- Mike Leung
Choosing between rock, paper, and scissors is very similar to picking
between Squirtle, Bulbasaur, and Charmander in Pokemon Red(or Blue).
It simply can't be done. Write in time: I choose for a de-atomizer
ray(The closest equivlent to a psychic pokemon, which only another
psychic pokemon can beat.) to kill and mangle(TM) 'em all.
Supernatural forces/Ghost pokemon be...um...darned; NOTHING beats
science!
- Katrover Swatroad
This dilemma is somewhat similar to a previous one that I experienced
as a kid.
There were these action figures, each with either one of the following
insignas on them: Fire, Wood, and Water. Of
course, the insignas indicated the "team" these action figures were
on. So who would beat whom? Well lessee now, Fire can burn wood. No
doubt about that. Water, however, can put out fire. So therefore,
the Fire clan beats up the Wood Clan, and the
Water clan beats up the Fire Clan. So of course, given
the logic, the Wood Clan would beat up the fire clan.
But I was stumped. Wood beating Water? What KIND of destruction does
wood cause? Float on water? Give me a break. Sure, beavers use wood
to block rivers, and therefore, block the flow of water. But it does
not create inherent destruction of Water.
Frustrated, I sent off a letter with my preschool comments to the toy
manufacturer. It said the following:
Der Toy Manufater
YOR TOYS SUK!!!!
Surprisingly, I got on answer in the mail. It said only the
following: "Fix Your Spelling".
Heartbroken, I locked myself in my room for 3 weeks without food and
water. Okay, it was 3 days. Okay, it was 3 hours. Alright, it was
only three minutes. But the point is that, I was unable to find the
answer to my problems. The effort I put into trying to solve
that problem only resulted in wasted time in my childhood (okay, so it
was only a few minutes). Therefore, I suppose it is no use putting
any effort in solving this great problem, lest I go insane, pull out
my hair, and be a bald monk living in Isolation in
China-Annexed-Tibet.
On the other hand, I decided to vote for rock because everybody did
(152 for Rock, compared to 42 each for paper and scissors). I guess
I should try solving a new problem: how to give myself a life.
- Tahna Los
The Rock will win. Let's see the other contestants withstand the
People's Elbow.
Unfortunately, we won't be able to read about it. The paper won't be
there anymore.
Good thing that the Grudge Match is on-line, really.
- O.P.
Oh, how quaint.(Real men settle differences with "Odds & Evens",
but that's neither here nor there.)
Rocks is tough. Whenever people want to pass something/one off as
difficult, or indestructable, out come the 'rock' analogies. Alcatraz
is the Rock. Marciano, Graziano, Balboa (and Squirrel, natch)
are 'Rocky'. Picture Show? Rocky. Ben Grimm? Rock. Soldiers trying to
sound cool are 'ready to rock'. Not 'scissor some ass'. ROCK.
Let's just say that NO wrestler would ever use the phrase "If
you SMELLLL! What the PAPER... is cookin'!" and be done with it.
- Ted
The most important thing to consider in this grudge match is not the weapons themselves, but who uses them:
While the rock might appeal to fans of brute force, in reality it is a primitive weapon prefered only by cavemen or anybody too poor to get himself a real weapon. The last people who used rocks as weapons were blasted into submission by Europeans five hundred years ago. And anybody who heads into certain parts of Los Angeles "packing rock" is either hopelessly confused or terminally insane.
While scissors are undeniably capable of inflicting nasty fleshwounds, they are primarily used by seamstresses, garment makers and elementry school children. None of these groups are particularly noted for there fearsome warlike natures (okay a cranky six year old can be pretty warlike, but a few of these hardly pose a threat to civilization.)
Finally we get to paper. While paper might seem pretty whimpy at first, remember that it is the primary weapon of two barbarious creatures that have ever crawled upon the planet: lawyers and bureaucrats. And three personal injury lawyers or two high Washington muckity mucks can do more damadge than all the paleolithic rock slingers and cranky six year olds on the planet.
- Babarossa
As the Emperor Of Penguins, I assembled my legions to test this
match. I handed each of my three greatest warriors a weapon - one a
pair of scissors, one a rock, and the third, a piece of paper.
What follows was not pretty.
Having no thumbs, the penguin holding the scissors dropped it and
tried to run/waddle away. Unfortunately, he tripped and was impaled
upon the scissors. What he tripped over, we're still trying to
figure out.
Ignoring the unfortunate casualty, Rock and Paper squared off.
Rock raised his weapon to take out Paper's skull, when the
unpredictable happened - paper covered rock!
This, however, was only a temporary setback. We must remember,
when circumstances call for it, Rock punches through Paper (see
Tremors II). Therefore, Rock wins.
- No animals were harmed during this. Just the Emperor of Penguins, Keith... and hurting him is probably good, since he pissed off Wentz.
And you think you're confused.
I'm half-Vietnamese, and in Vietnam it gets even worse. In addition
to the normal three combatants, they've also got the nail (index
finger out) and the well (make an "o" with your hand). The nail is
very very weak, it will be destroyed the rock, cut in half by the
scissors, tossed down the well, the only thing it can defeat is
paper. On the other hand, just about everything will be tossed down
the well. Rock, down the well. Scissors, down the well. Nail, down
the well. It can only be defeated by paper, which will cover the
well, rendering it powerless.
So I'm voting for the well, which will defeat three out of four
combatants.
- Infraggable Krunk, really doesn't want to know how they do it in Zaire
Given that Rock crushes Scissors, I propose this scenario:
Stand in a wide open field. Find a friend - preferrably a fast-ball
pitcher. Give him a rock. Have him stand about 30 feet in front of
you.
Take a single sheet of paper. Hold that piece of paper in front of
your face.
Would you feel comfortable asking your friend to hurl the rock at the
paper?
I didn't think so.
- Hurricane Andrew
Rocks, paper and scissors are inanimate objects, so the real fight
will be between the scissor lobby, the paper lobby, and the rock lobby.
Who is on the side of scissors? Well, since it takes steel to make
scissors, all the steel workers will immediately come out and fight,
along with the iron miners and coal miners (most energy to melt the
iron comes from coal). This group is therefore principally made up of
250 pound muscle men who can hold their own in battle.
The paper lobby will include loggers, who spend their days wielding
large, heavy axes. Another group of tough men. Also, millions upon
millions of paper-pushing secretaries, bureaucrats, and middle managers
will be fighting on the side of paper. Sure, they're mostly wimps, but
quantity matters.
Who the heck cares about the welfare of rocks? Greenpeace, the
Sierra Club, Earth First! and assorted other hippies. It's pretty
obvious that either of the first two groups could demolish this crowd.
Once the rock lobby is eliminated, the transitivity paradox is
eliminated, too. Only scissors and paper remain...and scissors cut
paper.
- Mike
There was one major (although consistent) flaw in the presented
arguments: each of you seemed to think that it was possible for one of
the items to beat both of the other items based on some virtues or
weaknesses you think you so cleverly exposed. The only problem is
that this can't happen.
Paper beats Rock. Rock beats Scissors. Scissors beats Paper. These
are facts that cannot be denied. To suggest that any one of them
could beat BOTH of the other competitors is heresy. If I want to sit
around and watch people violate the natural laws of our universe, I'll
rent a James Bond movie. But that has no place here.
Thus, it is within the above restrictions that the battle must be
evalutated. Most likely, all 3 would realize the nature of the fight,
that each member's own security relied on the maintenance of this
stand-off, and nothing would happen, until two of the 3 were summoned
to determine who gets to ride shotgun outside a Wichita State
dormitory. But since ties are not the purpose of Grudge Match, we
have to throw this possibility out.
So the question remains: which of the 3 is going to make the first
move? Realize that whoever does this will certainly go after the one
he can beat. In doing so, however, he would then be left alone with
someone that could then kill him. Ergo, whoever makes such a first
move has to be an idiot, for to do so will directly result in his
own death. So we have to ask ourselves: which one of these three is
stupid enough to break the chain of communal safety, which one of
these is moronic enough to sign his own death warrant, which one of
these is as dumb as a... rock?
Rock, in its infinite stupidity, kills Scissors because that's what
Rock does. As Rock delivers its crushing blow, his last vision is
that of falling darkness, as Paper moves in for the suffocation.
- Shaggy
Multiple Choice Question
In a few minutes the man in black will come around this bend... The
minute his HEAD is in view HIT IT WITH THE...
A. Paper
B. Scissors
C. ROCK
If it's good enough for the Princess Bride it's good enough for me...
- Undertaker
No doubt about it, the rock takes all. It has everything (and more)
that it needs to put a serious hurt on the competition.
First to go down: Paper. I mean, for cryin' out loud, what right
does Paper have to even be in the same GAME as Rock. The only reason
it's there is because a game of "Rock, Scissors" wouldn't have been
much fun and it's a simple shape to make with your hand. If someone
threatened you with a leaf of paper would you be worried. NO! Paper
is only harmful to the user (paper cuts). Rock tears a hole in Paper
in two seconds.
Next: Scissors. At first Scissors appear to be a worthy opponent.
They are fashioned out of Rock and have sharpened edges and a point.
Scissors are a known threat to your body (don't run with scissors).
But, after a closer look, Scissors do give up some advantages to
Rock. First off, they are only effective on two edges, the inside
edges at that. Heck, a rock will hurt no matter where it hits you.
Second, proximity. If you want to hurt someone with Scissor you have
to get within arms length. If you do that I'll just run like a
school girl and throw a Rock at you (remember if you give chase you
might hurt yourself). Then I can just pick up another Rock and throw
it. Which is a third point: more ammo. Also, has anyone ever killed
a giant with Scissors? David killed Goliath with a Rock to the
forehead. Even God's choice of weaponry is a rock. And finally, the
Rock has the Rage(TM). Before Scissors and Paper the Rock dominated
the game. It was the undisputed champion for hundreds of years until
the young, upstarts Scissors and Paper came stole some of the
limelight and now, the Rock isn't gonna take it any more. It's time
to show the world who the weapon is.
Rock in 1 min. 2 sec.
- paragon_77
Determining the deadliness of each of these mighty weapons of
destruction is a simple matter of examining the hand signs used to
represent them in the rock/paper/scissors game. Now rock is
represented by a closed fist, obviously representative of a punch;
quite a solid metaphor of force. Yet paper's open hand also resembles
the open handed karate chop; obviously given the relative prowess of
martial artists vs. mere punching brawlers, this indicates paper's
superiority to rock. Yet even paper's power is nothing compared to the
force represented by the two outthrust fingers of scissors... the
dreaded Stooge Eye Gouge.
Scissors takes this one in a blinding blaze of glory.
- "Mad Dog" Mike
First of all, nice "new" digs ya got here. And yes, it is me, for
those few over there who still remember my nickname. But let's get
down to business.
It's really quite simple. Despite the myriad of good reasons that
include value to society and complexity, I voted for scissors for one
basic reason: because only the scissors can cut out the thousands of
responses you'll get that include the phrase "'cause the Rock said so!"
Said scissors can also stab those respondents who put the phrase in all
caps, and/or sign off with other professional wrestling references.
What more reason can I possibly need?
- Leaper
My head hurts very much when I try to think about this match...but I
try to have insight anyway...
Paper is weak and it can't hurt anybody unless maybe you ball it up
and shove it down their throat and it'd sure be easy to shove it down
their throat if you knocked them unconscious with a rock and tied
them up but if they had scissors they could cut the rope and aren't
you scared of scissors? I'm scared of scissors so they must win,
except rock can't be hurt by anything, not the scissors and not the
paper the paper can cover the rock but that doesn't hurt the rock
cause it doesn't need to breathe, but scissors you could jam into
someone's eyeball and that would hurt, but I like to rock too but I
like that song Papercuts by Nirvana and I can't think of any song
with scissors in it, so rock and roll hoochy coo AAAAGGGH I CAN'T
THINK IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE (sobbing)
this is your fault not mine this is all your fault
- My name is Kenny (I think)
OK, I hate to do it, but I'm gonna pull the Frenchie card. As it
turns out, there is a French shampoo named Roc, which is very similar
to rock, so, as in the grand tradition of the Grudge Match, rock
cannot win.
Which leaves it to Paper and Scissors. After doing a little
research, I'm ready to pull the Frienchie card again. As it turns
out French monks revolutionized the paper industry in and around 1338
A.D. The French... revolutionized... paper. Is anything sacred? So
Rock's out and Paper's out, which leaves only one thing. Scissors.
Need I say more?
- Mr. Potato Head (Hey, who YOU callin' a FRENCH fry?!)
Rock, Paper and Scissors?
So hard, so many choices.
But I wish to make a crucial point, Scissors can not exist without
paper to cut, but neither can paper achive the usefulness it has
today without scissors.
The two go hand in hand in a union, like Ying and Yang, like good and
evil, darkness and light, Tony Blair and Allistar Campbell, DS9 and
B5, reflections of the other perfectly balancing.
However, the rock, the stone, is the underlying base of it all.
Philosophicaly speaking, while Paper and Scissors are codependant,
the rock may stand alone. Surely this means that it should be
capeable of winning?
BUT, the rock is allegorical, and is a poor one. It fails to
represent the universe's inherent duality. Therefore, it is
inadequate, and must surely fall beneath the paperlike embrace of the
more complex world model of the Paper/Scissors duality.
BUT, does the rock represent an abstract, a supreme underlying basis,
God or a supreme ideal if you will, that predates and underlies the
fabric of the base and flawed universe we readily observe? Surely
this means that Rock should triumph over the Paper/Scissors?
Indeed, the game itself is more inherent a model of the Quantum
uncertainty and superposition states than of a deterministic world?
Perhaps the game itself represents this rather than a contest between
dualism and the eternal struggle of light and darkness vs the one
supreme way?
Sod this for a game of soldiers! Lets get WOPR aka Joshua to use the
game as a nice analogy of how no one wins in MAD, then I'm off to
the pub to get well and truely pissed.
- Seb Rabit
You have gone too far. Rock paper scissors is a means of resolving
conflicts peacefully. How much better off we could have been in the
past if instead of killing thousands conficts had been settled over a
game of rock paper scissors. This leads us to the question of why you
are trying to resolve one of the worlds greatest conflict resolving
technique. I think the answer goes a bit like this: your appetites
for orgies of blood and destruction have grown so out of control that
you want to make peaceful conflict resolution impossible. The
offshoot of this is that any time kids want to decide who gets the
last twinkie in the box for example, they will be forced to fight to
the death, because we can't play rock paper scissors when we know that
rock beats everything. Well, I hope you are proud of yourselves.
- Paul
(We are. -- Eds.)
Although pyramid paintings show images of Egyptian bronze shears used
around the Third Century B.C., Leonardo Da Vinci is credited for
designing the modern scissors in the late 1400s. Although
there is more history behind this invention, Leornardo is still
credited as the "Father of Scissors".Based upon a true story
involving Leornardo's bastard child, Edward Scissorhands, played by
the multi-talented (none of which is acting) Johnny Depp, tragically
met his fate after dating Winona Ryder.
Strangely, two years
earlier, Ryder, began her downward spiral into the emotional void by
forcing her dark baggage into the tormented life of Betelgeuse
(pronounced "Beetlejuice" to the layperson.) Michael Keaton, as
brilliantly as possible, completed his role as the stressed-out
specter, and rose from the ashes to star in a mediocre film about The
Paper. In addition, after the Batman episodes, you can pretty much
consider this career nothing more than wadded up tissue in the can.
However, the art of paper making is believed to have been refined by
Ts'ai Lun in 105AD somewhere in middle China. Moreover,
archaeologists believe that paper was actually invented some 200
years earlier. This makes the invention of paper much older than
Winona Ryder. Perhaps paper will outlast even Winona.
The final Winonassault came in the form of Girl Interrupted against
Angelina Jolie. Jolie, in absolute turmoil, then carried this
madness manifested in the form of dreadlocks into Gone in 60
Seconds. In one quick moment of heat she almost caused Nicholas Cage
to lose sight of his pure objective: stealing cars, saving his
brother, and looking good. In spite of this, Cage used his strength,
fought off the attack and championed over the wood carving Russian
mafia man. (Let it be known that although he ended up with the
crappy car... but he did accomplish his mission.)
Research shows that rocks where invented long before Nicholas Cage or
Sean Connery filmed their famous documentary. I've heard rumors that
Alcatraz Island was once used as a military base in the 1800s.
Although that wasn't covered in the movie and therefore cannot be
proven fact, it nonetheless makes for great legend. Please keep in
mind I'm not here to talk about cool stories, but to deal with hard
facts.
Anyway, Sean Connery is pretty cool. You can shoot him
(Longest Day), zap him (Avengers), cut off his head (Highlander),
threaten to compress him (Hunt for Red October), and he keeps coming
back for more (Entrapment). Please note that most rocks would be
reduced to sand after this kind of treatment.
He's also about the
same age as most rocks.
Therefore, using infallible and irrefutable
methods of deduction, we've proven that both rocks are old and Winona
Ryder has some kind of agenda in Hollywood.
Vote for the
candidate that will absolutely outlast her possible longevity, baby!
Go rock!
- rbaker
tough one. after many hours of thinking, i decided to solve this
problem the usual way. get three violent and gullible friends, give
them each $20, and have them fight to the death (or unconciousness,
whatever). for a question this monumental, though, needed something
big, something spectacular, i needed... DUCT TAPE!! yes, fellow
canadians, duct tape. i rounded up three friends with characteristics
similar to the three items, then i covered the in duck tape, and
strapped a rock to one, and scissors to another. for the paper, after
spending 20 minutes trying to figure out how to tape it to him in a
way that made sense, i gave up and just handed it to him. then,
clad in duct tape suits of armor, the three contestants waddled on to
the field. after the national anthem, the battle began. the battle
begun:
the first thign i notices was that the duct tape was stopping the
scissors from doing anything. they couldn't penetrate the duct tape.
rock took an early lead as he smashes the hand holdong the scissors.
meanwhile, paper was trying to suffocate rock by holding the paper
over his mouth. but scissors put an end to that by punching through
the paper and breaking rocks nose.
several hours later:
after i wake up from my nap, i see that the battle is still going
strong. the field is littered with blood and duct tape. after a
little while longer, all three fighters pass out from heat stroke
brought on by the duct tape suits. the police and paramedics show up
soon after.
Later, at the emergency room:
what have we learned today?
we've learned that duct tape should not be applied to hair.
we've learned that, if you pay your friends to do this, you'll have
less friends.
we've learned that you should always leave before the police show up
we've learned that the police really do use those clubs they carry.
we've learned that the paramedics have and use them as well.
most importantly, we've learned that the answer to the mighty
question will never be known. you see, the question and answer to
rock, paper, or scissors are mutually exclusive. they cannot be known
together, or the world will end. but if you ask me, the answer is
DUCT TAPE, BABY!!!! DUCT TAPE BEATS ALL!!!
- Kramertim 'duct tape is the answer to all problems' and his brain
Let's see... If I understand this correctly, rock breaks scissors,
scissors cut paper, and paper...um...covers rock? What good does
that do? Is this a psychological thing, where because we cannot see
the rock, we realize it isn't there, and therefore, it isn't? Or is
this the rambling of someone who is up far to late to discuss the
philosophical ramifications of covering minerals with processed wood
pulp? You see, if by covering the rock with the paper we can cause
it to not be, then we can cause ourselves to not be merely by
concealing ourselves within a paper bag!
*--Hurriedly sips coffee--*
Just think! If we could create a piece of paper large enough, we
could rule the world! Weapons would be useless against a sheet of
paper, which is impenetrable to...
...nothing.
Crud.
- Lagger
I can't decide. Let me do rock-paper-scissors. Oh wait! That's
what we're trying to figure out. Maybe I should flip a coin. Oops.
I can't flip a coin with three combatants. I know, eenie meenie
meinie moe...scissors is out! So it is down to rock and paper. Flip
a coin: heads rock, tails paper. Heads. Rats! Okay, best two out
of three. Heads. Rats!
Okay, best three out of five...heads! Darn!
Okay, best four out of seven...heads! Argh!
{much later}
As destiny dictated, paper wins (best 39847 of 79693).
Was there ever any doubt?
- Mark Wentz
Seeing as how the combatants for this match are, in fact, inanimate
objects, its hard to envision how this one will resolve itself.
Clearly, each entrant needs a representative; someone who embodies
the very nature of rockhood, scissorocity, and paperness. It will
ultimately be these representatives who settle this ages old quandry.
Lets start with rock. Plenty of options in terms of names: Rocky
Balboa, Rocky Marciano, Joe Rockhead (Fred Flinstone`s *other*
neighbour, before the arrival of the Weirdlys). None of these men
really embody the true nature of rock. Clearly, the only choice is
the Thing, from the Fantastic Four. The dude *is* a giant rock.
Scissors...scissors...it can only be Edward Scissorhands. Who else
can represent the twin blades of justice and...uh...topiary gardening
better than good old Eddy.
Paper...here it gets tricky. I have been trying for days, and I cant
think of a suitable representative. The best I could do was any role
by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who gives his characters all the depth of a
piece of paper. Lets go with the Last Action Hero, because no paper
was wasted writing the script for that piece of garbage. Also, no
paper was wasted on any actual tickets to the movie...
Hmmm, close battle, but I have to think that the Thing would dispatch
Ah-nold fairly quickly. Ben Grimm is easily annoyed, so no question
who his first target would be. And I don't think Johnny Depp has the
killer instinct needed to take out the Thing. Sensitivity, sure, but
that and 25 cents will buy you a cup of coffee which you cant drink
anyhow, thanks to your deformed hands, bent into the shape of 4's,
courtesy of the Thing.
Besides, the Thing is just bolder (Get it? Boulder? Ah, nevermind.)
- 1/2 Nelson
A match eternal, this one. It probably won't even be decided here,
but....
It's occured to me that, of the three outcomes, only one is not
irreversibly destructive to its opponent.
Rock breaks Scissors. The scissors will never be the same. Watch
out for flying metal shards. They hurt.
Scissors cuts Paper. Subsequently, Paper cuts your fingers, but
all too late is this act of defiance.
Paper covers Rock.
PAPER COVERS ROCK?!?
"Ooh, Paper, you're covering me. I'm scared. Here, watch me cover
you. Now, watch me find a sharp edge and tear ya. Better yet, let me
use some of this loose graphite I've got and brand you like the
jabronie you are."
Come on...just because Homer Simpson overuses it doesn't make it
worse than these two candidates. He gives rock some extra P.R.
support, for that matter. All is well and cool.
That, and I'd like to see paper cover my lava rocks for a second on
the grill. I do need kindling, after all.
- Nicholas Eckert
vidstudent
I was going to go with Rock, but then I thought of a reason Paper is
better than Rock, but then I thought of a reason that Scissors is
better than Paper, after which it suddenly dawned on me that Rock is
better than Scissors, and then I took an Excedrin and watched cartoons
until my brain stopped throbbing.
- Mr. Siverback - Next up: Tastes Great vs. Less Filling
C'mon, guys, this is easy! We can take it for granite--rock wins.
And those wins ain't gonna be gneiss and pretty. In fact, rock will
probably be charged with basalt and battery!
It's clear to any lucite person that rock will, of quartz, easily
beat paper. Anyone who thinks otherwise is graywacke. Sure, paper
is the gypsum of the three, and can be blown about in the wind, or
even hurl itself against rock. But so what? Paper can't even marl
rock's surface! Norite can paper do anything to crush rock. But all
rock has to do is roll over and then...well, it's no use for paper to
curse and say, "Oh, schist!" One, two, three--paper is dunite. For
rock, it's millerite time!
The orthoclase of scissors vs. rock is just as easy. Natrolite, rock
can beat scissors. Scissors may be able to do more damage to rock
than paper can, but even scissors arenite as sturdy as rock. Rock
has the pyrite stuff to crush scissors into submission. After all,
rock is bornite under difficult conditions, and it has a healty
apatite for destruction. It's rutile for scissors to fight rock--
rock will leave them cryolite every time.
And Shane, how can you say that rock isn't dangerous? Halite, get
realgar! If I had a nickeline for every time I've stubbed my toes,
scraped knees and hands, and twisted ankles on rocks...well, I
wouldn't have to be searching for fame or fortune on here! And
haven't you ever heard of volcanos, earthquakes, landslides, and
pyroclastic flows? Believe me, walking on lava would quickly have
you crying "Aa!" Talc all you want, Shane, but euclase against rock
doesn't hold up.
Tuff luck, paper and scissors. Rock is diorite!
- Bookworm
As Bart Simpson once said: "Good ol' rock, nothing beats that!"
But because of this, Lisa will always use paper: "Poor, predictable
Bart. Always picks rock..." (This was from the episode when B&L wrote that Itchy & Scratchy episode and credited it to Grandpa.)
Given the Simpsons' WWWF track record, one could argue rock or paper
could emerge victorious...
But Bart has more WWWF experience, so I'm supporting his choice!
- Mgugu, the Simpsons Semi-Fanatic
I have to go with the rock on this one. It was here thousands of
years before the paper or scissors and will be here thousands of
years after. Kinda like Dick Clark.
- Mark Dziak
Only one of these can give Mr. T his Mento's coolness haircut. How
can you choose anything else?
- One of Many Marks (Founder of the "there is no Mark Jihad" - Marks of the World unite!)
Think about it. It all comes down to the two opposing and common
powers, fire and water. Place the three in a vat of water. What
happens? First off, water becomes a little soggy pansy just waiting
to be torn to oblivion by the slightest touch. Then scissors begins
to rust. I mean, what's up with that? At least paper dies a pretty
cool death. Scissors just becomes a total wuss like he's got some
kind of little girly frail disease. Rock, however, takes it like a
man... a rock man. He sits there until the water evaporates. Now
fire. Have you all seen the fires out west? The stuff is obliterating
trees left and right. Paper wouldn't stand a chance. I mean, this
fire is totally owning all these big daddy trees which are just paper
but stronger. And then it would melt the little rubber handles off
the scissors, once again leaving it weak and vulnerable with only
pitiful tiny metal rods for handles. Rock? Rock just gets a cool
blackened look from smoke buildup. I mean how cool is that? The fire
eventually disappears leaving only a single slightly blackened rock.
Like Schwarzenegger coming out of an exploding building. Totally
bitchin'.
- Mr. Toad
This conflict has plagued mankind for years and over the years
different sides have taken the upper hand, for years it was Rocks,
but then we got out of the Stone Age and moved into the Iron Age
where scissors were king. But now, in the Disgusting Legal System
of Ultimate Death(TM) Age, it appears perhaps the final battle
will be won by Paper.
Yes, Paper. Not because it has any special physical properties but
because it is the weapon of choice for the most vile creatures on
the planet today. These lawyers can send an innocent man to jail for
life, sometimes to a sentence of over 100 years. Unless that innocent
man happens to be in Texas, in which case he and 23 of his closest
friends will be executed. Lawyers can also make sure a clearly guilty
person will walk, especially if he or she or O.J. happens to be a
celebrity. The paper these lawyers use to write death warrants or
checks to judges clearly hold more power than either of the other
two competitors.
We can only hope that this balance of power is cyclical and one day
the tide will turn and the lawyers will be stabbed to death by
scissor wielding Aliens or maybe a huge comet will come and wipe out
only the lawyers. Until that day when the Disgusting Legal System of
Ultimate Death(TM) Age comes to a close, we all must yield to the
might of Paper.
- Some Dork
ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS.
Truly, they are marvels. They represent greater powers than a mere
man:
The ROCK is nature itself for obvious reasons.
PAPER is human intelligence (after all, we figured out
chopping down trees made paper). The SCISSORS are human
technology (See? We made scissors!). It is by these that the
world remains intact.
As all schoolboys know, nature easily destroys human technology with
a single punch of brute force. But nature crumbles apart against
human intelligence, because it can cloud nature from doing anything.
Human technology can sometimes turn on human intelligence for the
worse, and slice through it like a knife through butter.
This is a fragile equilibrium, but a stable one. Sometimes a two-way
battle will ensue between two of them. In this, one will be a victor,
or there will be a stalemate. But the other factor will hold together
the fighters. Thusly, we are saved.
But in a THREE-way battle, no one can hold together the balance. No
matter how the battle goes, we are doomed: If human intelligence is
left, we cannot flourish without technology, nor have nature to rely
on for help. We are quickly eliminated. If human technology is left,
we have no intelligence to operate it, and no nature to accomodate us
like cavemen. We are either ripped apart by technology, or die in the
cold with a lack of nature. And if only nature exists, then there is
no intelligence OR technology to help anyone should something
potentially apocalyptic happen (pretty flowers don't help).
Rock, paper, scissors. There can be no clear winner in a three-way,
as the battle will end in annihilation of biblical proportions. The
universe collapses in on itself as a result, and it starts over. Will
it do better the second time around? Best two out of three.
- Charge Man
...and this is the Grudge Match, after one hit of Acid. Harmless? I think not.
