World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

The WWWF investigative crew saunters into a seedy restauarant establishment a few miles south of Tiajuana, Mexico. Our ace reporter gives the password and 500,000 pesos (about $6.50) to the bartender and they are escorted to the back. The bartender nods to what appears to be a mirror and the wall buzzes. Through a hidden door (covered by a velvet matador), our men walk into the back room. There, surrounded by scores of screaming Mexican peasants and Oriental businessmen, is a sand-filled pit. At one end is chained a large male rottweiler, mad as can be. At the other end, all in a small cage, are the rottweiler's weight equivalent in chihuahuas. The chihuahuas are covered in A-1 sauce (which they hate but the rottweiler loves) while the rottweiler is covered in, of course, taco sauce. All of the animals have been kept in extremely small cages over the past 30 days and during that time they have been thumped on the forehead with a wooden spoon at 5 minute intervals. Basically, they're all really pissed. They've also all been starved for the past 36 hours, so they are extremely hungry but not weak. If the rottweiler kills all the chihuahuas and lives, he wins. If he dies and one chihuahua is left alive, they win. Who do you place your pesos on, Steve, in this Canine Catastrophe South of the Border?

Rottweiler Chihuahua

A Rottweiler

vs.

A Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas

The Commentary

STEVE: I've given this some careful consideration, and I have to go with the Chihuahuas on this one. Obviously, the rottweiler will be able to maul each chihuahua with one bite. However, the chihuahuas will simply overwhelm the rottweiler by sheer numbers. Estimating a 120 pound rottweiler and 5 pound chihuahuas, that gives 24 sets of yap-dog teeth. Too much for even a BBQ sauce crazed beast to handle. Wow! All those years of engineering calculus certianly paid off for me this time.

One thing you have to remember about chihuahuas (and all yap-dogs for that matter) is that they are mean. They are pissed at life in general for being so small, and need a destructive outlet for their pent-up rage. A good example of this is the only famous chihuahua I can think of, Ren from Ren & Stimpy. He is evil and mean, with his temper flaring up regularly at the kind-hearted Stimpy. Now imagine 24 of these critters, thinking only of tacos. I liken this to frenzied pirhanas attacking a helpless foe. Sure, some of them will die. But in the end, the rottweiler will fall. I place 22.5M pesos and a bottle of tequila on the chihuahuas.

BRIAN: What?!! True, the chihuahuas have numbers and home court advantadge, but those won't be nearly enough. Those little rug rats won't even be able to break the skin on that big dog! That rottweiler is 100+ pounds of yip-dog smashing muscle! Have you ever seen a REAL chihuahua, Steve? What are they good for? All they ever do is shake and pee on themselves. This is like saying 24 flies are a match for a bullfrog. No way. No matter how many there are, they can't do any damage to that canine beast. Snack time.

For just a moment I will give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's say the chihuahuas are so crazed by the 30 days of confinement/torture that they are actually worth something. At the start of the match, the rottweiler mauls 5 of them. The sixth one breaks through and clamps down on the beast's back. While not breaking the skin, he does manage to taste the taco sauce, at which point he says "This taco sauce is terrible" (and then gets mauled). Another chihuahua picks up the taco sauce bottle and says "Hey! This stuff is made in New York City!" (and then gets mauled). All the other chihuahuas yell "New York City?" and proceed to attack the pit boss. The rottweiler wins by default as the 17 remaining chihuahuas yip out of the ring.

I'm putting 250M pesos and a six pack of corona on the BIG DAWG!!

STEVE: Unfortunately, I have seen chihuahuas up close, and I can enlighten you on two factors. First, I agree that their teeth have no flesh-tearing power, but their teeth are in fact a mouthful of sharp needles. They are certianly capable of breaking the skin and causing puncture wounds. A little known fact is that after being bitten repeatedly by a chihuahua, Dr. Julio Hernandez was inspired to build the world's first -- you guessed it -- hypodermic needle. Unfortunately, shortly after building his creation, he died from Rabies obtained from the chihuahua. His untimely death kept the discovery out of medical circles for 50 years. Then, in 1905, Dr. Bob M. Hypodermic rediscovered it after reading through Dr. Hernandez's records. Dr. Hypodermic stole the idea and selfishly named it after himself. But I digress.

Second, if you examine the evolutionary tree, you will see that chihuahuas and rats are in fact the same animal. Now, Brian, I ask you: If it were twenty starving rats instead of chihuahuas, wouldn't you reconsider your decision?

BRIAN: WHAATTT??!! Are you so outmatched in this battle of wits, Steve, that you have to make up history? Dr. Hypodermic??!! Oh, yeah, and in 1876 Wolfgang Rottweiler sinlehandly disarmed the Prussian army. Hello??!!

Face it, Steve, there's no way the chihuahuas pull this off. A rottweiler's weight in wolverines, yes. A rottweiler's weight in fire ants, probably. Maybe even a rottweiler's weight in chinchillas, but never chihuahuas.

I'm willing to bank the entire Mexican economy or lunch at Taco Bell (whatever is worth more) on this one.

Thanks to Toshi Mogi and Scott Clingmann for this idea.

Disclaimer: No animals were caged, thumped, mauled, wagered on, or covered in condiments in the making of this web page.

The Results

The Rottweiler (258)

eats

His weight in Chihuahuas (250)

THIS JUST IN!: Shocking new evidence which shows the chihuahuas may be tough enough to actually win this match. Thanks to Craig R. Meyer for forwarding us this crucial and eye-opening information. (NOTE: Video very large, approximately 1 meg.) (NOTE #2: There are probably plenty of video files showing rottweilers eating children, other dogs, small cars, etc. But it's still a funny clip.)

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Voter Comments

You've finally managed to go beyond my idea of good taste. The problem of dogs fighting to the death is still very real. I don't consider it appropriate material for the WWWF.

- Rick

Where was this guy during Dahmer v. Lector? - Ed.

Dogfighting is disgusting and reprehensible(there I just wanted to see if I could spell r..)

The rottwieler would pound the little yap dogs, rotts are smarter than you think, and unfortunately often meaner, they often will spin and use thier paws in combat, chihuaha mostly bark. I forsee a one sided bloodbath, after which the world will be a little better place. Now. A rottwieler owner, V.S, his/her weight in chih. owners. That might be interesting.

- Don.

It's obvious that the rottweiler is going to win. First, Chiuahuas are the scroniest beasts on the earth, and on top of that they have no will to fight. Secondly, when you squeeze, kick or touch a chiuahua their eyes pop out. So, the rottweiler will just have to touch each one once and the wimpy chiuahuas eyes are dragging in the dirt. This totally incompacitates them leaving the rottweiler with a good meal.

I feel you are going to end this fight with only one dog and that's the rottweiler. The wimps will be digesting in it's stomache.

- Jamie

Its got to be the Rottweiler. I seriously doubt that even rabid chihuahuas could be capable of anything more than an annoying bark. It is that annoying bark which will be there downfall. Soon after the gates are opened all the chihuahuas will come out, eyes bulging, and YAP. Not bite, but YAP, on and on, over and over until the insanely annoyed Rottweiler goes on a crazed, blood-filled rampage devoring their A-1 bodies in approximately 20 seconds.

- R. Lee

As a pet expert, I have worked in the pet industry for the last 3 years, I go with the rottweiller. I have never met a Chihuahua that was aware of its surroundings let alone tough enough to take out a rotty. Even a starving savage chihuahua is shaking in fear too hard to even crunch a chunk of dog kibble. You have to think of it this way, would YOU rather fight a raging rott or 24 physically challenged chihuahuas? They really can't help it, they were originally bred to feed the starving populations of the many third world countries. But a kind hearted biologist in 1967 took pity on these taco fillers and set them free. His name was in fact Hortence Chihuahua. I think, knowing their history and original purpose, I'd be pretty damned scared too!

- RACHAEL AND JIM

I guess if Steve can make up history, so can our viewers - Brian

Taking nothing away from the Rottweiler, the Chihuahuas will win every time. Here is a play by play of the event:

The Chihuahua's draw straws to decided who "The Chosen One" is. When the battle starts the two strongest of the Chihuahuas throw "The Chosen One" into the mouth of the Rottweiler. Unfortunately for the Rottweiler (let's call him George) he was cheated in the evolutionary process. Upon bitting down on "The Chosen One" his jaw locks.

At this point it gets ugly. Using techniques inspired by Gracy Ju-Jitsu, the two quickest Chihuahuas trip George to the ground and rub thier backs on his nose. The A-1 sauce blocks the nasal passage. George blacks out seconds later, the life giving oxygen you and I take for granted impeded from it's natural access to the lungs, the blood stream, and eventually the brain. George dies second later.

Using this system it is actually possible for as little as five Chihuahuas to take out one Rottweiler.

- John K. Lewis

Sheer brute anger. The chihuahuas will turn into a blinding storm of BBQ-covered fur, a flurry of rat-sized death. Sure, the rottweiler might take out a couple. But the canine pirahnas will skeletonize him before he can take enough of them out. In my home version, I simulated this with a brick and a bunch of gasoline-soaked Legos. Sure, the brick crushed a lot of Legos, but in the end, the little guys (who I could put together to make more interesting sculptures that blow up) still won (at least before someone took them away.) But you get the point.

- Jack Dracula

The Chihuahuas would win because they would get excited, and therefore as mentioned earlier, begin to pee. As we know Chihuahuas are very prolific in this area. If each one pee's 100 milliliters, then the total pee comes to 10,000 milliliters or 10 liters (approx 2.5 gallons). I'm sorry but the Rotweiler has drowned.......

- Robert Hamilton

I must begin by saying is the sickest match you guys have come up with so far. But funny, yes, funny.

I'll have to go with the Rottweiller, since those little Mexican dogs no matter how much they are conditioned will just shiver and shit, albeit with a bad attitude. Let's face it, the Rott will just chow down on those puppies like popcorn (though he probably won't eat his own weight in chihauhaw, whatever they're called). cheers

- Jim

After a scintillating conversation over the essays of Sir Francis Bacon, my wife and I decided to access WWWF because you never can get enough of a good thing. Anyway, the mortgage AND a six of any cerveza you can name is going on the yippers. Why? The logic is quite simple, yet persuasive. While little lap dogs are indeed nervous and irritating, they are also quite intelligent. Given these characteristics, it is apparent that while 23 of the yippers are circling the Teutonic dog, one particularly bold bandito will dive between the larger dog's front legs (with a toreador-like flourish) and make a beeline towards said dog's gonads. The larger dog, powerless to stop the Apache-like attack from the remainder, is so distracted that he can't stop the chihuahua from approaching his nether regions. Once those tiny jaws lock on the family jewels, the rottweiler is powerless. It is also a little known fact that one of the favorite dishes of the chihuahua is German Mountain Oysters. As the chihuahuas are famished, the sight of their favorite dish temptingly swaying in the breeze will overcome any reluctance they may have to dive in. The lead chihuahua starts hollering: "Hey Jorge! Hey Carolos! Come on mi amigos! Huevos Rottweiler smothered with Salsa Del Taco!" The rottweiler, now doodad-less, has no choice but to flee. VIVA LOS CHIHUAHUAS!

- Pizen

The rottweiler would demolish the chihuahuas because he doesn't want to look bad in front of his woman.

- bwttalk

I figure it comes down to two things: surface area of the rottweiler's mouth (as opposed to the s.a. of the individual dog-rat's mouth) and gastrointestinal fortitude.

If a Rottweiler has a mouth that is, oh, say six inches by 2.5 inches (I am doing the math slowly for you science boys and rounding to the nearest half-inch, of course), that means that the rottweiler has 15 square inches of mouth surface. I'd say that with that kind of coverage, every time the rottweiler makes contact with a small chihuahua body or head (as opposed to grabbing a leg), he inflicts a mortal injury, if not an immediately killing blow. Meanwhile, your average rat-in-dog's-clothing has about, oh, say 2 square inches of mouth area, which means it can't even encompass one bulging rottweiler muscle in its wee yapper. So the rat-dogs are not even breaking the skin, but the rottweiler just has to stay angry enough to take about twelve bites--okay, allow about five or six extra bites for the rat-dogs he only gets by a leg the first time. He'll have to go back and take a second chomp once the maimed chihuahuas are down and helpless.

Will the rat-dogs take this lying down? Only if the rottweiler just grabs their legs on the first bite. But they *will* go for that taco sauce. But everyone knows that chihuahuas have tender stomachs and get sick at the drop of a hat. Even if a chihuahua gets a mouthful of taco sauce, what's the use? It will just get sick all over the Mexican carpet, thereby inducing all its little rat-dog buddies to begin woofing (pardon the pun) all over the carpet too. Soon the rottweiler will have chihuahiuas *and* dessert.....

- JM Massi

Chihuahuas are the little denizens of satan himself, the pack of land bound pirhannas are sure to tear into the Rottweiler before he even realizes what the cloud of dust was coming toward him. But the rotweiler will die a happy dog with the taste of A-1 running with his blood.

- Tabb Sullivan

Steve,Steve,Steve; Once again I must lower my intellectual standards and enter this discussion. It is my duty as I see it. I don't know if you know the difference between a shark and a rottweiler but one is a mean, roaming killing machine and the other is a fish. While it is true that a yap-dog and a rat are the same animal, this only lends credence to the proposition that the rottweiler will kill 20-30 of the little rats in about time dt, as we engineers say. "Ratting" used to be a sport in 19th century England (See Michael Crighten's "The Great Train Robbery" for a full discussion. In this "sport", a bulldog was pitted against really mean rats and could easily kill 20 in less than two minutes. Granted, a chihuahua is meaner and nastier than a rat but a rottweiler in really meaner and nastier than a pit-bull. The only real question is whether the audience will get out alive once the rottweiler realizes he's been tricked and there was nothing to take all his pent up aggression out on.

- Ken Ackley

I have one simple arguement. Have you ever heard of a Chihuahua attack on anybody? No, that's because they are evil, and clever enough to make sure there are no witnesses and no evidence. They're small ferocius animals, while rottweiler's are just plain stupid!

- RSB One of the things I remember from my physics classes is that size doesn't always matter, but rather surface area is the key. Now 24 yip-dog mouths full of small razor sharp teeth are going to overwhelm one Rottweiller's mouth full of teeth by sheer virtue of surface area. The more bites the more the Rottweiller wins. Besides, at least one of the Chihuahuas will piss on itself in fear, making himself unsavory and therefore he will live as the Rottweiller bleeds to death. End of story.

- Juan

The key concept here in favor of the Rottweiler is: unit cohesion.

No matter how hungry the cute little beasts may be, it would be a miracle to get the putative 24 Chihuahuas to surround the Rottweiler and make coordinated attacks from the ground. The Big Dog also has air superiority, a big advantage in CCC.

Of course, given really bad unit moral, there is nothing to stop the Little Dogs from turning on each other like executive VPs in an IRS audit, feasting on each other while the Rottweiler picks them off one-by-one.

- TTFN, Chris

Let's look at the numbers here: your average male Rottweiler weighs in at about 110-120lbs; the average Chihuahua weighs about 3lbs (4 if it's fat). Steve, I want to know where you found a 5lbs Chihuahua, it must have been a swamp rat in a Chihuahua haloween costume. The only way a Chihuahua can weigh 5lbs is if you have it on a special Ben Johnson steroid program. Sorry, the yip-dogs weigh in at 3lbs. That means you have 40 Chihuahuas against the one mighty Rottweiler. Even pressed into a Rottweiler mold, the Chihuahuas would make for a smaller (albeit denser) package.

Rottweilers are usually highly-trained animals that will only attack when given the command to do so. Our competing Rottie will have been given the proper signal and will be itching to tear the yippers to shreds. Chihuahuas, on the other hand, are evil incarnate in the form of a rat disguised as a dog. Chihuahuas have also been publicly ridiculed by Les Nessman who mispronounced their name as Chi-hoo-a-hoo-a; our 40 miniature combatants want nothing more than to rip through the Rottweiler to get to that nerdy news guy. Since the Chihuahuas will have an ultimate goal, they will use their cunning to defeat the Rottweiler. Ren, the leader, will have collected enough of Stimpy's hairballs to knit 10 red sweaters for the "lead" Chihuahuas (aka ensign Chihuahua). The expendable Chihuahuas will keep the Rottweiler busy for at least 30 seconds which is all the time Commander Ren and his sidekick "Bones" (the skinny Chihuahua) need to sneak up behind the Rottweiler and administer a "Mexican Tracheotomy" (a distant relative to the "Colombian Necktie"). All 10 ensign Chihuahuas will have been killed but no more yip-lives will be lost. The mighty Rottweiler will have been felled by a lesser being like so many Klingons before him.

As the lifeblood and precious air escape from the hole in the Rottweiler's throat, Commander Ren looks down on his victim and says: "You eeeeediot! You are...nothing more than...a bloated sack of...canine protoplasm. You are unworthy of...challenging...my colleagues and...I." Later that same day, Les Nessman is found dead, an apparent victim of a freak moped accident. When questioned by the police, all 20 remaining Chihuahuas had the same thing to say: "Nessman? We don't know no esteeenking Nessman..."

- HotBranch!

What the hell kind of election is it when the ballot box can't be stuffed? I bet you people are the progeny/spawn of Republicans who still think that Mayor Daley (the REAL Mayor Daley not the kid) stole the 1960 presidential election from tricky dick. That was sour grapes: everyone knows that the republicans were upset becasue they didn't stuff as many downstate ballot boxes as "The Machine" did in Chicago.

- Paul J. Galanti

Hey, I don't really have any funny comments regarding the match, I just wanted to say that I was having a lousy day at work (my full-time job seems to be reinstalling Windows 95 on my PC...) UNTIL I read the latest Match. Thanks for letting me finish my day in tears of joy vs. frustration...

Please keep up the good work.

- Matt

I had to go with the rottweiler on this one just because I equate the power of chihuahuas in packs to that of small children climbing over fenced in areas where the rabid beasts sit awaiting their prey. Have you ever heard of a child having to be destroyed because it bit a rottweiler? Of course not. That is because it never gets the chance. The rottweiler is fierce, aggressive and dangerous. The child is mauled before it ever gets the chance. The chihauhau is much like a child. It is small, defenseless and is annoying as hell. The chihuahua is just the provider of the meat products for the good people at the many Taco Bell restaurants in this great country, the rottweiler is a killer and a hero to us all.

- Brandt

I have a Jack Russel Terrier, so I support the terminator-ness of small dogs everywhere.

- Early Stephens

I choose the BIG DOG. While I think that the little yip-dogs are undoubtedly nasty and have sharp teeth, this all goes back to a favorite factor in past Grudge matches - Godzilla. Let me explain...

You see, those Japanese soldiers were tough, persistent, inventive and dangerous, just like our friends the chihuahuas. Unfortunately, no matter what they did, they were destined to be stomped (in the end) by Godzilla. (In every movie except the first--we'll ignore that.) Whatever inventive and desperate plans they hatched always seemed on the verge of succeeding -- then boom, Tokyo was down for the count again, and Godzilla was swimming away into the sunset.

So, just as it seems like the Rottweiler is down for the count, it will rise up with RAGE in its eyes (of course, the RAGE edge to the Rottweilier!) and swallow the Chihuahuas like so many liv-a-snaps. Then, just for good measure, it will proceed to attack all of the spectators (just like Godzilla!) At the end, the Rottweiler will swim off in victory! (just like Godzilla!)

While this may seem far-fetched, you could always stage this one yourselves....

- Viander!

It is a little known fact that the chihuahas many moons ago, back in the time of the Incas, were highly feared. They were basically LAND PIRAHNAS, roving the country side in gigantic packs that would raise up a tremendous amount of dust, often obscuring the sun. Chihuahas still remember those glory days of yesteryear, and that is why they are collectively pissed. Memories, misty water-colored memories of the way they were, drive those furry little balls of attitude to shred that Rottweiler in 2.2 seconds. End of story.

-Cliff

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Tarzan v. Aquaman
Flipper v. Jaws
Midgets v. Centenarians