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The Scenario

Meanwhile, at Grudge Match University (tm):

"My fellow Delta Hooliga Lambda brothers! The Tri-Ragea-Grudgas copied our idea for the Greek Houses Fundraiser Olympics."
"They're doing a kissing booth, too? No way!"
"Way! Not only that, they got Bob Barker doing the kissing!"
"Who do we have?"
"We're doomed. We need to find someone else."
"Yeah, but the Olympics start in 20 minutes."
"I know."
*knock knock*
"Beg pardon, mate. Can you give me directions to the Cumberland Hotel?"
"Aren't you Richard Dawson?"
"Yes, I am, mate."

So, John, which kisser will command more cash for the council coffers?

Bob Barker, The Price Is Right
Bob Barker


Richard Dawson
Richard Dawson, Family Feud

The Commentary

JOHN: Richard Dawson by a tongue, Mark. Dawson clearly has the advantage in sex appeal, judging by the fact that he was the most frequently chosen star on Match Game for the bonus round (involving the obligatory post-round smooch) and later had an entire game show vehicle built for him based on giving lingering kisses to the female gender. Sure, Barker gets his contestants to kiss him as well, but those are the kind of kisses you give your desiccated, mothball-smelling grandma at Christmastime. "Come on up here and give your old Grandma a kiss, dearie. If you give us a kiss, Grandma Barker will give you a nickel for a phosphate and hard candy!". P.S. Love Boat appearances: Barker: 0, Dawson: 1.

Another factor that can't be overlooked is that Dawson spent several years in a German prisoner-of-war camp where the prettiest thing around was Le Beau, a Frenchman. Any time there was an elaborate plan involving escape and consort with females on the outside, Hogan pulled rank to ensure that he, and no one else, would risk his life for the war effort by making out with the lovelies. Dawson's got a whole lot of time to make up for, and there's no question he's more motivated to go out and suck as much face as he can in his remaining years.

Finally, Dawson is British. If, by some odd occurrence, he falls behind in the early going, he can invoke his Benny Hill™ powers, where he can rocket around in super-fast motion, kissing all the ladies he can (knocking several toupees off of elderly men in the process) while Yakkety Sax™ plays in the background. Then he'll announce a dance sequence featuring the quite ample Benny Hill dancers, or as they're now known, "The Grudge Match University Endowment".

MARK: Benny Hill? I do believe you're grasping at anything. And this is only your first round of commentary. I can't wait to see what your desperation drums up in the second round.

Yes, yes, Dawson was kissing people on Family Feud and Match Game to make up for kissing a French dude on Hogan's Heroes. But while Dawson was on those two game shows, Bob Barker was warming lips on the Price is Right. And, if you know anything about the Price is Right, Bob Barker has Hour Power (TM). That's right, he can keep kissing people for an hour at a time. Dawson can only go for 1/2 hour then he'll probably leave the Delta Hooliga Lambdas to start up his own kissing booth.

Plus, have you seen how excited the women get on the Price is Right? Those ladies are batty for Bob. And Bob doesn't have to bribe them with a lollipop. (Okay, Richard didn't have to bribe them on Match Game, but considering the competition of Charles Nelson Reilly and Gene Rayburn, whom else would they kiss?)

The final piece to the puzzle is he decked Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore. If that isn't a turn on for a lot of women (at least those who would go to a kissing booth), I don't know what is.

Bob Barker wins this one with Rod Roddy's wardrobe providing mood lighting.

JOHN: Mark, over the years we've known each other, you've made some pretty wild accusations on this forum. Some pretty outrageous claims. But let me say, without even a trace of embellishment, that your most recent argument about Bob Barker beating Richard Dawson is so outrageous and so irresponsible that it will be the one that will surely but eventually bring about the compete and utter annihilation of the entire human race. Shame on you, Mark.

For God's sake, Bob Barker can't make it through a show without a sex harassment charge, or him urging contestants to get their pets spayed and neutered. I can't imagine that an in depth discussion on castration is just the thing to get people at a kissing booth ready to drop hefty sums of cash.

Another clue to who will win is their respective ages. Dawson weighs in at the very sexy age of 69. He's a sexagenarian! Grrrrowl! Meanwhile, in the other corner, Barker clocks in at a significantly non-sexy 79 years of age. Don't ask me what it is about being 79 that makes you non-sexy, I don't know. Oh, wait, I remember - the loose, hanging skin and stench of imminent death! That's what it is!

Finally, the numbers simply don't bear scrutiny. On an average hour-long TPIR, Barker will come into direct kissing contact with at most 6 contestants. During that time, Dawson can press lips with 2 shows of 10 contestants each plus whatever mongoloid family members rush the stage after their clan wins the jackpot. Dawson has the ability to process kisses much faster than Barker and will help Delta Hooliga Lambda walk away with the Greek presidency (which includes the ability to lead the "parade" during the weekend where the GMU Fighting Hooligans face off against their hated rivals from Celebrity Deathmatch State).

MARK: Mongoloid family? It's great that Dawson specializes, but limiting yourself to Asian families? Well, that's another point in Barker's favor.

You forget that Barker is still gettin' some smooches at age 79. Dawson is a decade younger (by your count) yet has been removed from his kissing shows--twice from Family Feud--and has been replaced by Louie Anderson. Anderson recoils at the thought of touching the contestants, yet he replaced Dawson? I fail to see the sexual prowess in that.

When people see Richard Dawson, they try to think of survey answers and fill-in-the-blank answers. When people see Bob Barker, they're thinking big-ticket money amounts. They're in a zone where $29.95 is a reasonable price for a roll of Tums. They already have inflated money on their minds when they see Bob Barker, so he can charge more for a kiss than can Dawson. Bob Barker will give more kisses and raise more money per kiss. The money will pour in!

Bob Barker started game show smooching before Richard Dawson, lasted longer than did Dawson, and is still going strong. The Tri-Ragea-Grudgas chose first, chose wisely, and will choose the new Greek council president.

Thanks to Stuart Finkelstein for suggesting this match.

The Results

Bob Barker, The Price Is Right

Bob Barker (1567 - 56.7%)


Richard Dawson, Family Feud

Richard Dawson (1196 - 43.3%)

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Voter Comments


To attract customers to your kissing booth, you have to have an attractive booth operator. Arguably, these two "silver foxes" are very close in charisma - Dawson offers up the British Accent and a quality sense of humor versus Barker's Mentos(tm) Coolness and frequency on "Porn Star" T-Shirts. So, we have to count on an old adage to help us settle this once and for all:

The Clothes Make The Man.

Fair enough, if the clothes make the man, then who has the biggest Wardrobe Budget?

Clearly it isn't Richard Dawson who looked like he wore the same suit to every taping. Even if you knew nothing about Thread Count and Double Stitching, consider the overall prize value of Family Feud: A few measly hundred dollars for the main part of the game and a chance to win 10,000 dollars with the "fast money" round. Oh, and that paltry sum is to be split among 5 people. Sad. Pitiful, really. You can win more playing the Punch game or Plinko (There is no Plinko Jihad!)(No, but I'm starting a Plinko Fan Club, though)(Oh, damn).

Compare that to the "Showcase Showdown." Having already won everything from a New Car! to up to 11,000 on the Big Wheel(tm), now we're talking some Serious Cash. I've seen these things go well over $40,000 value to a single winner! That's cash, my friend. (Incidentally, the biggest winner took home $88,865 - "not bad for a college student" the official TPIR site understates.)

Consider also that FF only has one host. One host, simple wardrobe. TPIR on the other hand has Bob, the Beauties (Motto: We get naked 3 times a show... backstage, of course silly), and Rod (whose wardrobe was entirely designed based on the concept of Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey's Clown College). That's a lot of cash for clothes.

So in the end, it's Bob who is looking dapper and debonair in his slick, hand tailored Dolce & Gabanna suit, while Richard is stuck in his 15 year old rumpled Lord & Taylor.

Bob wins it in a landslide.

And no, I'm not gay.

- Hurricane "Not that there's anything wrong with it" Andrew

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

According to the Love Calculator, "Robert Barker" has an 89% compatability rating with "Richard Dawson". Therefore, it is 89% likely that they will end up kissing each other. Meanwhile, all of the homophobic fratboys around will be disgusted by the sight of two male senior citizens playing tonsil-hockey, so they will beat them to death as only homophobic college students can. Although it's not on the ballot, there's no question on this one: Both Killed and Mangled all the way.

- The Amazing Rando~!

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

For the kissing booth grudge match, Bob barker is handicapped in raising funds exceeding Dawson. Whereas Dawson has the option to hold out for a higher kissing fee, Bob Barker is bound by Price Is Right rules to refuse any offer over the retail fee involved. As any reader of Penthouse Forum can tell you, for every thousand $1 kiss Barker earns, Dawson just has find some woman perverse enough to pay $1000 to get it on with him dressed as a fireman, a bullfighter, Robin the Boy Wonder, etc.

- Mike Leung

Ah yes, this would be the same Bob Barker who has been accused of sexual tom-foolery by his own Barker Beauties, and is an all-around dirty man. His reputation will most certainly preceed him, therefore costing him many a kiss, easily giving the contest to the less filanderous Dawson.

Although, this being on a college campus that reputation may give Barker a huge advantage, especially amoung the Sorority members. Barker wins in a landslide.

- They Might Be Matt

This is a College kissing contest. Since both kissers more than qualify for their senior citizen's discount, I find it hard to believe that the Co-Eds will be lining up around the block to pay for a wet, rubbery kiss with a distinct Poli-Grip aftertaste. Maybe Delta Hooliga Lambda would've been better off with Cecil after all.
Don't get me wrong, I admire Richard Dawson, but he was the Man. Now he's the Old Man. As for Bob Barker, having no readily available video evidence to the contrary, I'm convinced he was always old, the balance in the universe to Dick Clark's eternal youth.

- Don "King" Milliken

Crimony! Have any of you SEEN "The Running Man"?! Richard Dawson's character, Damon Killian, was a game show host, just like Dawson himself. Thus, we can assume that Richard Dawson = Damon Killian. Killian had direct access to the PRESIDENT'S AGENT. If people even remotely stepped out of line (i.e. jaywalking, littering, etc...), Killian forcefully "cast" them as contestants on his game show and sent them down those tubes to meet their deaths at the hands of chainsaw-wielding, electrical-zapping, fire-spewing Stalkers.

Thus, it's simple. If you give cash to Dawson, Dawson wins. If you don't, he'll frame you for treason and send you to a Grade-A ass- whooping. Bob Barker doesn't have that kind of power! Shit, he has trouble defending himself in lawsuits against those bimbos on "The Price is Right." Killian, I mean, Dawson in a rout.

- - one of last season's losers on The Running Man

This is not and cannot be just about lip-locking abilities. These men fight dirty. That's how Dawson managed to survive those years in the POW camp, and how Barker managed to survive being in an Adam Sandler movie. So before the kissing even starts, they'll be plotting ways to eliminate the competition in advance.

Barker strikes first. While Richard Dawson is lost in what passes for thought, planning strategy, he suddenly hears cheesy yodelling music: "La-dee-doo-dee-da, o-lee-o, la-dee-doo-dee-daaaa..." Richard looks around him and realizes that he's being lifted high into the air by a crane-like device that's somehow been attached to his neck.

"Oh, no! Cliffhanger (tm)!" cries Richard.

On the ground, Bob is talking to a bald-headed, monocle-wearing man who bears an uncanny resemblance to New York ex-mayor Rudy Giuliani. "Now, Mr. Klink...I'm sorry, Colonel Klink... if Richard keeps going until the cord breaks and he comes tumbling down, that means the price you guessed was too high." A scream comes from above, and Barker and Klink follow the plummeting form of Richard Dawson with their eyes.

Contestant Klink is crestfallen. "Ach, Gotterdammerung son of a Gibichung! I knew I shouldn't have listened to the bid Schultz called out from the audience."

"Vhy, O vhy did you listen to me, Colonel?" Schultz calls out. "You know I know nothing about prices...nothing...nothing."

But Richard, while bloody, is still unbowed (this bad poetry reference has been brought to you by your old High School English department). Bob's in for a nasty surprise of its own when he feels two taps on his shoulder and spins around to see... THE SURVEY LADIES! "Would you like to take a survey, Bob?" "Do you eat beans?" "How many George Wendt movies did you see last year?"

"Dawson, you limey libertine, I'll get you for this!" screams Bob, holding his ears.

Richard, laughing evilly, says: "Who do you think took all those surveys for the Family Feud, anyway? And what are you going to do to get back at me, hm? What could possibly be worse than having to take a survey?"

"Just one thing," says Bob. He opens a secret door (borrowed from Monty Hall) and out steps Francis "Pip" Pumphandle. "Pleased to meet ya, Mr. Dawson. Have I ever told you about the time I met Bob Barker here? He's an emcee, a host, and a celebrity all rolled into one, which is not to say that you're not also an emcee, a host, and a self-same celebrity, equally all rolled into a by no means inferior one. Anyway, the time I first met Bob Barker was on the morning of..."

Richard can say nothing except "AAAAAARRRRGGGGH!" He runs off into the distance, pursued very slowly by Pip, who will spend the next week popping up everywhere Richard goes, in time-honored cartoon tradition.

"I always said, fight Animaniacs references with Animaniacs references," chortles Bob. He gets all the kissing business to himself, and he does great until he is arrested on a morals charge for asking a woman to "Come over tonight and let me sink a hole in one...or two."

- Captain Corcoran - If the "Animaniacs" references are now too obscure, then I weep for my generation.

Bob Barker has made guest appearances on both Futurama and Family Guy , thus giving him an edge over Dawson.

His appearances give him access to the laws of Cartoon Physics (tm) and his advantage is explained in Rule#6.3, which states:

Any character is herein given the right to rush about completing an acitivity, as long as it is done in a suitably humorous manner... [clauses and sub-clauses deleted].

With Mach4+ (tm), speed available at his disposal, Barker should be able to leave Dawson gaping in the wake of his sonic boom(tm). And if Barker wants to feel more secure by eliminating competition, there's always anvils...

On another note, thank you John for mentioning Benny Hill, and the Yakkety Sax (tm). I've been trying (with success - uptil now that is), to supress that particular memory from my mind. Thanks to you however, now I have an urge to run around the countryside being chased by an irate mob. Probably English Soccer Hooligans (tm). Why? Why?

- Boba Foot

The winner of this competition is obvious - Richard Dawson. The reason is the limited scope of this particular competition.

One could argue that Bob Barker has a better way with women. After all, he is said to have done a number of the models on "The Price is Right" over his many years on the program. But this competition isn't about bedding women, only kissing them. And in that area, Barker is not all that impressive. On a given show, he may only kiss one or two women. And that is over a span of one hour.

Then we have Richard Dawson. While he may lack the suave qualities and physical fitness of Bob Barker (one of Barker's physical trainers was none other than Chuck Norris), he is the expert on kissing. In a typical half-hour show, he could kiss as many as six women. So, he has Barker beat in terms of quantity. He also beats Barker in terms of quality. Back in the late 1970's and early 1980's, there used to be celebrity versions of the show. On those programs, Dawson would kiss some rather impressive celebrity babes - something Barker never did on his show.

At the competition, there will be lots of women lined up at Dawson's booth, while at Barker's booth, you will see a small number of elderly women who think Barker is hot. In short, Dawson will be raking in the dough while Barker will simply wind up saying "D'oh!"

- The Demented Astronomer

Richard Dawson wins. It seems good ol' Bob can't go too long without a sexual harrassment lawsuit of some kind being brought against him. Meanwhile, Richie is as sweet-smelling as a rose, legally(you'd have to check his Depends for any other kind of smell). Bob Barker won't be able to go five minutes at the booth without some random coed bringing charges against him. Meanwhile, Richard is doing business at the kissing booth, ensuring that the Delta Hooliga Lambda brothers win out.

- Matt L., "Nem"

Bob wins. Any man who ends his show with the line, "Don't forget to have your pets spayed and neutered" has got to be the biggest ballbuster on the planet.

...and when you consider his opponent's name is "Richard", this really is a no brainer.

- Survey Says: Budo!!

Dawson will "win", but even he won't collect more than 49 cents, becuse both contestants are older than sh%t. What girl would want to kiss either of them?

- Bosda Di'Chi

The only experience I have with "The Price is Right" is while watching it in a hotal lobby. I was waiting for my dad to drive BACK from San Francisco to Davis because he FORGOT our passports. THis gives it a -3 score because I HATe being late for vacations to Europe.

The only experience I have with "Family Feud" is this site, back with Addams vs. Munsters. This is actually entertaining.

Feuding now has my support.

Hey you! Yeah, you over there with the bat! Put that down! we've got to FEUD, not fight! Listen to me, you....

Rainwoman has now had her skull bashed in due to her overzealuos desire to feud, thanks to you guys warping her logic. NOW how's the world going to be entertained?

- Rainwoman

This Grudge match brought to you by Viagra.

Damn. Now I feel dirty.

- Wyldcard

As a woman I have to say that Richard Dawson wins hands down. He was sexy, and is still not bad for a man his age. On match game he exuded a boozy, lazy, British sexiness. On Family Feud the women willing, even lustily kissed him. Bob Barker is just an old, gross sexual harasser. If he tries to get a hot, young thing to kiss him (ie: model) he gets slapped with a harrasment suit so quick it makes his withered head spin.

- A huge Richard Dawson fan

Barker wins easily because of one important fact. It is very well known by all red-blooded Americans that all British except James Bond and a few rock stars are latently gay. In fact, many theories have been forwarded to the effect that Jolly Old England (if the name isn't a tip-off, nothing is) itself is the single largest mass of concentrated gay in the universe. It may even be linked to latent homosexuality in the same way that Mentos(tm) are linked to coolness. The exceptions that prove this rule are, of course, soccer hooligans, and they only count when they're drunk. So the only way anyones going to get Dawson to turn off his underlying Fag Factor(tm) is to get him plastered and give him a cricket bat. This shouldn't be too hard at a Grudge U frat party, but he will then become violent as opposed to attractive, and this will be an entirely different match altogether.

- 007Bistromath

Two words: Diane Parkinson. Bob boffed one of the beauties on his show, and he was damned proud of it. Has Richard Dawson ever had wild monkey sex with anyone on his shows? Not that we've heard. Bob is the embodiment of the old saying: There may be snow on the roof, but there's fire in the chimney. Dawson can't even get the kindling lit anymore.

- Eihort

The D-H-L boys win when, instead of smooching any undesirables who pay him enough, Dawson subjects Grudge Match commentators to a life-or-death game of hilarious inhumanity, starting with anyone who would have voted against his stalkers, had there been commentary on that match.
I'm talkin' to you, Brendan.

- Monkeydog
The Delta-Tee-Emmius-Mus, meanwhile, don't understand why no guys are lining up for their Ann Robinson booth...

The winner of this match can be determined using simple high-school algebra. Let's set up a couple linear equations:

(B) - (x) = (y)(F)

(D) - (x) = (y)(F)

(B) is Bob Barker, (D) is Richard Dawson. (F) is the constant Fonz, in relation to the coolest chick magnet of all time. If we use the x-coordinate as 60 years, and the y-coordinate as the number of good- looking women around each person, we find that a 29-year old Barker surrounded by his Beauties is WAAAY cooler than a 19-year old Dawson surrounded by fat and/or elderly game show contestants. And with Grudge Match University teeming with hot babes, I think you know who wins.

- Grudge-Pops™: They plump while you scorch 'em!

The real winner? Depends Undergarments (TM), the adult diapers of elderly Grudge Match combatants everywhere!

- Anonymous

Unlike his opponent, Barker will be able to tell people what the actual retail price of his kisses are worth. It'll definitely attract any mall rats who compare the different booths.

- Afgncaap5

On to the bloodbath. One thing needed to point out before hand: despite what Nerds would like you to think, participating in school fundraisers is the lowest of the low. And for these two former raging hard-ons, it means age has sucker punched them in the gut and left them weeping on the bathroom floor. People may be living longer but we're zooming past vitality with no remorse as these two walking corpses illustrate.

We assume they reside behind booths. These booths demands both parties lean forward and, in most cases, lean agains the sharp edge that is the needless flat top of the booth to engage in lip smacking. And lo, this is the undoing of them both.

Bob Barker, being the older of the two, has the pleasure of breaking his spine. His beyond-average-lifespan has made his bones more brittle than a blow up doll made of toothpicks. His back will first snap to perfectly emulate a 90 degree angle, then shatter into pointy shards as he falls haplessly to the ground. They conveniently imbed themselves into his flesh, most small enough to slip into his blood vessels, but not big enough to move throughout without ripping the walls wide open. Dead in 20 very painful minutes.

Mr. Dawson, however, would still retain enough calcium to withstand breaking like a china doll. For him, as he leans over to kiss Chunky- Sally-no-love, he pressed against the damnable booth corner just right to induce kidney failure. All will gasp in amazement as at first his pants are stained in urine, then in blood, and both coming from the same hole. They will be in such awe that no one will bother to act as he crumples to the ground, and he continues to bleed and added to the fun, deficated on himself as his bowels give out. The spell-binding show that is Death will not release these social rejects until Dawson has passed on. Dead in a captivating two days,with two of those hours beinging unedited entertainment that not even the Chamber can match in needless suffering.

The winners? The Med Students granted two fresh cadavers to practice butchering and necrophilia.

- He, the quite Mortal, and the needless Misery

Okay, the frat that can choose the best price for the kissing booth will have the advantage of supply and demand. But, while frats tend to have plenty of econ majors (along with management and Phs. Ed.), the econ majors tend to have more emportant things (beer) to do than attend classes. Therefore, the frats will not be good at setting the price per kiss. The only other people who can set the prices are: a man who got desperate men dates with desperate women (ooh - tough...) and a man who ... BUILT HIS CAREER BY KNOWING THE EXACT MARKET VALUE OF EVERY CONSUMER PRODUCT IMAGINABLE!!!

Bob Barker wins faster than you can say "Have your pets spayed or neutered."

- Albatross

Well, I mean come on. Barker can beat the crap out of Adam Sandler, so he would get the chicks who want a kick-ass man. Also, he is all for fixing your pets, so I mean waht is more attractive than a man who says to spay and neuter your cats and dogs. Also, he had those cool circular rug things by the wheel. They always reminded me of pepperoni. Also, Baker has Barker's Beauties. Game Over. Match Set. Bob 1, Rich

- The Self-Proclaimed King of all Existence

Are you kidding?!?!? Richard Dawson by a mile!! Why? He's always drunk! Have you ever known a drunken old man to NOT try to kiss as many women as possible?!?!? For that matter, have you ever known ANY man when he's drunk to NOT try to get some play? From as many women as possible???

Don't think he was smashed during every game show he was ever on? Lets try the typical exchange on The Family Feud:
Dawson: "OK Mitchells"
Millers: "Millers"
Dawson: "Mitchers... OK, naaame me the top 10 things you'd fffind in a fridgeratoror... (mumble mumble)"
Millers: "Milk!" "Cider!" "Churches!" "Very small rocks!"
Dawson: "Top responses.. (mumble mumble).. milk (hey baby).. (mumble mumble).. SURVEY SAYS!!!!"

Dawson gets all of the ladies' attention while Barker works on his golf game...

- Jay in T-Town

First off, both of these contestants are out of their league, as they are working a kissing booth, and not a gameshow stage. Being equally handicapped, though, it's obvious that Richard Dawson will be the clearcut winner of this match. For one, there's absolutely nothing sexy about spaying and neutering your pets. NOTHING. And, I don't know about the rest of you, but that's all I think of when I see Bob Barker. That and Plinko. Mmmm... Plinko. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.

The second thing Richard Dawson has going for him is that he gets kisses out of women WITHOUT having them win a prize first. Family Feud had him kissing women before the true game even started. Match Game doesn't count because, due to factors of desire, the women weren't even allowed near him until the end. Women can only get close to Bob Barker after winning the first bidding round... and by then they're so high on winning they can't help themselves. Otherwise, they most definitely would. How many women kiss Bob AFTER they lose? Exactly, zero.

So, the Delta Hooliga Lambdas use Richard Dawson to bring in about 5 bucks more than the Tri-Ragea-Grudgas, netting about $12 at a dollar a kiss. This is all due to the fact that the Alpha Cheater Phi fraternaty sold their souls and got George Clooney for their booth, outselling everyone else.

- The Dingo

Both of these men look fairly dessicated to me. However spry they might seem from their photos, I'd say that the saliva from the first kiss they get will double their bodily water content, causing their deliquesced spines to collapse under the sudden increase in pressure.

Now, where's my button?

- The Nestbeschmutzer

The commentary seemed to misrepresent the deciding factor in this grudge-match: the chicks. The women are the ones who will be expected to kiss these guys so what about their perspective on the issue? So Dawson has sex-appeal... Bob Barker has respectability. Given the choice between a guy who treats them like a fast food joint and a guy who "takes it slow" the ladies will choose the latter. Also, Barker is the older of the two and since college girls prefer older guys, it's no contest. A kiss on the cheek from a mature man is much more powerful than a tounge down the throat from a "you don't know where that has been" boy. The girls may go for Dawson at first, but one kiss and they'll be at Barker's Booth over and over and over, paying hundreds of dollars for each kiss.

Bob Barker will win this one by $1 million and 16 dates for Saturday night.

- Flutterby

Dawson would emerge victorious in this conflict of the elderly by default. The Bob Barker that we citizens view each morning at 11 is in fact no the real Bob Barker. It is The Barkman's robot clone, obviously. As I recall, on a distant episode of ALF, Barker was killed by the alien when he was caught trespassingin ALF's garden. While Bob was munching on some ill-gotten carrots, ALF crept up stealthily and whacked Barker over the skull with a shovel. If anyone tried to kiss him today, they'd be horrified when his taped-on head plummetted from his neck. This would, unfortunately, be the death knell for TPIS after the sham is discovered. You can't ver well kiss a robot, either; the sharpness of his mouth would create serious lawsuit problems. That episode of ALF might have been a dream, though.

- John Beverly

This match is not just about kissing. No, this match runs much deeper. In fact, it serves as a rather interesting basis for an investigation of temporal and cultural mores.

Richard Dawson is most well known for his work in the era of the 70's and 80's on Match Game and Family Feud. He was a competent Feud host, and an accomplished celebrity on Match Game (although I don't know how he managed to put up with Charles Nelson Reilly et al). Compared to contemporary society, the 70's were a time of freedom and expression. Dawson took full advantage, with his patented "more-than- a-quick-peck-but-less-than-full-on-tonsil-hockey" kisses of each and every one of his female guests. Not precisely sure if that would go over in today's culture, what with the threat of sexual harrassment and whatnot.

Bob Barker, on the other hand, is best known to most of us from his work primarily in the past two decades. With his ever-present and ever-young stable of Barker's Beauties, I think it's safe to assume he was getting all kinds of hooch (almost like a poor man's Hugh Hefner). Since he was scoring hand over fist, there was never any reason for him to try and sex up the contestants the way that Dawson enjoyed. Also, the 80's were a much more uptight time for such activity.

So what we have here are two old geezers: one comes from a somewhat lecherous and free-spirited time, and as such is always trying to score and get his "F" on by sexing up the contestants; the other is confident that he'll be satisfied by at least one of the blonde model- types on the show, and doesn't need to put in the effort with the everyday women on the show.

Since this is a contest which would best benefit from quantity, and not quality, of kisses, I have to go with Bob Barker, since Richard Dawson will be trying to dry hump each of his booth visitors.

- Adam B.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is even worse than the Rosie-Roseanne match! These two frats don't know the consequences of their actions. The two kissing booths will not attract fine college girls. They won't even attract good-looking 50-year-olds. Every geriatric geezer over 60 will be coming from different parts of Florida in order to get some Barker or Dawson action. Nursing homes around America will be empty. Matlock's ratings will be comparable to a Monday night UPN show. Interstates will be blocked off by big-ass Cadillacs going 15 mph with their left turn signals on! If anyone ever looked at the hordes of wrinkly women 60 and over wanting some Dawson or Barker smooches, or even looking at it, no Playboy or Penthouse magazine, not even Viagra could save them from a life of true neuterhood. Bob Barker's mission is complete!

Total scores:
Bob Barker: $983,875
Richard Dawson: $2,941,110

There are no winners. Only losers.

- Wolf Fang Fist

First, as it's a safe bet that the notoriously macho frat boys will not be running a kissing booth for the benefit of men who like to be called “Lisa” and own a large collection of evening sheer pantyhose, we can assume that the customers will be female. In that case, it's time for the Official Feminine Perspective (tm).

In my browser's bookmark collection - right next to “Grudge Match” in the “Interesting Time Wasters” file - is a board called Drool. Its mission is to provide panting females with electronic space to shred their bodices and vent their passion for male movie stars over whom they have temporarily lost their heads.

A large chunk of this benighted section of cyberspace is devoted to posts about women's favorite actors, complete with adult-oriented fantasies. Since I have been known to - ahem - drop in periodically (but only when not reading classic works of literature and listening to Beethoven, really), I am in a position to assure you that the following movie actors are considered the most Droolworthy Studmuffins (tm) on the planet:

Colin Firth (Pride and Prejudice, Bridget Jones's Diary)
Hugh Grant (romantic comedies)
The entire male cast of Lord of the Rings
Ioan Gruffud (Horatio Hornblower)
Jeremy Northam (Emma, An Ideal Husband)
Alan Rickman (Sense and Sensibility, Harry Potter)
Russell Crowe (Gladiator)
Kenneth Branagh (Shakespeare adaptations)

What do all these British males have in common? The Sexiest Accent On Earth. The Accent of the Romantic Hero. The accent that invokes images of cultured, sophisticated gentlemen who own vast country estates, kiss divinely, and can still beat the crap out of their opponents. The Accent that haunts our dreams and sings to us in our sleep. No American male is a match for it - as attested by thousands of sighing Drool posters.

And that's why this kissing contest is no contest at all. Dawson will invoke the irresistible power of The British Accent (Oxbridge trademark pending), causing females to stampede over his booth walls in droves, while Barker, at his best, will sound like an unusually pleasant used car salesman. By the time it's over, Dawson will collapse from exhaustion and be carried away by an ambulance, hundreds of screaming females trailing in his wake. Barker, on the other hand, will be lucky to get cab fare to the airport.

And now, back to my regularly scheduled fantasy. (“Ooo, Mr. Fiennes, how did you get into my bedroom? Ummm....”)

- Lee "I Know A Good Voice Coach, If You're Interested" Bridges

Hmm, let's think about this. Kissing booths usually require kissing on the lips. Having said that- who's kissed more women on the lips, Dawson or Barker? Richard's clearly the winner in that battle! I mean, what smart girl is going to spend money to kiss an old geezer on the cheek?? I could do that for free! If I'm laying money down for a kiss, I want it on the lips!! Besides, Richard's got WAY more sex appeal! Even to a 22 year-old. Long live The Kissing Bandit!!

- Richard Dawson's biggest fan in Iowa

This is one of the toughest calls ever, but I gotta go with Dawson. Three reasons:

1- Both men get the ladies, but Dawson keeps the ladies. Barker bedded one of his Price is Right gals, and was later sued by her. Dawson not only met his then 27-year old wife-to-be when on the show when he was 61, and she was a contestant, but they have been married for ten years, and have a daughter.

2- Men in uniform: Whether it's as a Canadian Special Forces soldier (The Devil's Brigade), or as POW Newkirk a la Hogan's Heroes the fact remains that women love a man in uniform.

3- Physical prowess- While it is true that Barker did get into a full-contact hockey/golf fight with Adam Sandler, Dawson oozes machismo in the aforementioned Devil's Brigade. Besides fighting off the Germans he goes into a bar full of blue collars in full dress uniform i.e. kilt, with a woman on one arm, and a pint in the other. Fast forward to the end after the skirts comments, and Dawson and his buddies (okay he had a little help)leave a roomful of badly beaten lumberjacks (not the monty python kind) in their wake.

- Bill McKay

Bob Barker will raise much more. Keep in mind all of the important variables.

1. Prizes - Dawson's show awards people who win with a few grand in cash. Barker gives away freaking CARS.

2. Fighting Prowess - Chicks dig the winner in a fight. As pointed out, Bob Barker kicked Adam Sandler's butt. The same Adam Sandler who went on to destroy entire football teams... AND Col. Sanders. Dawson was captured and spent the war as a POW where he served as a waiter at Klink's parties. Granted he did all that commando stuff, but that is classified and no one knows about it. Barker beat up Sandler in a televised golf match. The highlights would be on ESPN for years.

3. Barker's Beuties TM - Bob brings his three swimsuit clad Barker's Beauties TM who set up in his booth. While Bob swaps spit with the Co- eds, his Barker's Beauties TM have the Frat Boys lined up around the quad, through the gym and into the dining hall. At a buck a smooch, Barker's booth raises enough to pay off the national debt while Dawson raises enough to pay the check at Denny's.

- G-Man

I think the pictures tell the whole tale. We have on one side Richard Dawson, looking very much alive, healthy and active. On the other side we have Bob Barker, looking like someone just dug him up. Should someone's skin really be orange, or did he just eat lots of carrots? Seriously, he looks like some mummified remains on display at Ye Olde Curiosity Shope in downtown Seattle. But I appear to be in the minority. What women won't kiss...

- Lavode (Mac Rules!)

To the Tri-Ragea-Grudga house,

As your psychology professor, I am displeased at what you have forced me to do. Each of you will be receiving an "F" for your respective psychology courses.

Now, before you run off to the Dean, let me remind you I have MUCH more pull with him than you measly brats and that you will fail if you challenge me.

You may wonder WHY you're failing. After all, most of you were doing quite well. But then I saw your kissing booth entrant. Bob Barker? Do you not understand basic human thought processes?!?! Mr. Barker is well known to discriminate against any and all female workers on his show, seeing them as objects & not people. You're on a 21st Century college campus. By the time the political action & women's lib organizations are done with you, you'll see the price was very wrong for your booth.

Meanwhile, the Delta Hooliga Lambda house has chosen Mr. Richard Dawson for their booth. Granted, most of these students won't remember the Match Game and Family Feud star. This will work to their advantage. Whoever's not burning you to the ground will be boycotting at Delta's booth. Sad that you weren't as smart; I had hope for you.

Well, it is time for me to change your grades. I'll see you next semester, hopefully you've wisened up.

- Professor Devin, Mental Hospital Escaping Expert

Obviously, this match will boil down the the most macho of the two. Despite anything women say about wanting a "sensitive" guy (in which case Alex Trebek would have been the obvious choice), they really want to be kissed by a REAL man. The only way to determine the most macho of the two is a fight. Dawson gains the initial advantage because of his youth and speed. However, Barker has the stamina to go the distance. Dawson tires early, and Barker takes control. I have my doubts that Barker is human at all (ever notice the wierd color of his skin?) so he is not be plagued by earthly weaknesses like fatigue or hunger. He knocks Dawson unconsious and heaves him over to the Big Wheel(tm). Barker tapes Dawson there with Duct Tape, and gives the wheel a spin. The little needle tattoos a pattern of pain on Dawson's body. When the wheel finally comes to a clacking stop (at 65 cents), Dawson is broken, bruised, and bleeding. Barker then sucks the living soul from Dawson's body!!! HE BECOMES BARKSON!!!! THE TWO HOSTS BECOME ONE!!! owwww!

*note from the management* We sincerely apologize for eD's outburst. He has been on very good behavior lately, and the management felt he was ready to comment. We were forced to sedate him. He will be undergoing extensive electroshock therapy for several weeks.

- sPeciAL eD

Richy Rich Dawson's got the upper hand here. He's more athletic than Bobby B. I'm not saing he's athletic, I'm saying he's alot closer to athletic than Bob Barker.

Let us also consider the I'm-not-going-to-kiss-a-wrinkly-old-man factor. Most girls will just kiss whoever looks younger. This may be either one, but Rich looks alot younger. He therefore gives the impression that will make the girls go for him.

Here's how I see the matchup: Richard Dawson and Bob Barker are just sitting there because nobody but old ladies want to kiss either of them. Suddenly, Richard gets the idea of a lifetime. He quicly takes a roll of ductape, which he always keeps in his pocket, and tapes Bob up. He then lays Barker on the counter and yells:

"For every girl who kisses me, I'll stick one more pin in this pansy's ass!" Girls flock from everywhere in sight. Slowly, Bob Barker's ass starts to resemble Pinhead. By the end of the match, Bob is bawling his eyes out as folks laugh at his sharp butt. The scores read:

Dawson: 5,672,921
Barker: 1.5

Take that Bob!

P.S.: Bob Barker looks green in the picture.

- bigbobbo

Hey, Bob Barker doesn't just kiss contestants; he gets them to stick their hands into his pockets. Granted, they get $100 bills for their trouble, but that's not all that much money anymore. If Louie Anderson offered me $100 to stick my hand in his pocket, no way. I'd need at least a five-digit sum for that one.

Plus, Bob's got power. He's the pimp to that gaggle of models to whom he refers as "his beauties." He hangs onto that job even though he's been just about completely deaf for like ten years (how many contestants have missed their shot to go onstage because he thought they bid $7,500 when really they said one dollar?) People all over the country pay to have cheesy "I luv Bob" t-shirts made up just to ingratiate themselves to him when they go to the show.

Richard Dawson, on the other hand, is more like the guy who asks you out, but really you just like him as a friend and you don't want to hurt his feelings. He goes to kiss a contestant, she blushes and kinda turns away so he hits her on the ear. She wouldn't even want to face him alone, but she's got her dad and three gigantic brothers to shield her, so she knows it's okay.

Finally, Bob was chosen by the frat with RAGE on its side. It's a landslide. The Hooligas shoulda gone with Cecil.

- naughtylittlemonkey

Richard Dawson isn't doing his show anymore, while Bob Barker is. Bob Barker doesn't seem to age, much like Dick Clark. Bob Barker is surrounded by beautiful women on his show, and had an appearance in Happy Gilmore. What would women (and a few men maybe) who kiss him believe as they saw that they could kiss him? Well, our average tv watching American will believe that a kiss from Bob will have the chance of granting immortality, beauty, and a small bit of fame. They may even have "I kissed Bob Barker" t-shirts to buy after you kiss him so you can go back to your tiny town and show it off. Who's filling in for good ol' Dicky Dawson? Louis Anderson. Is that the kind of image you want to think about before a kiss? Hell, that's not an image I want before ANYTHING! On that note, thanks a lot guys, you filled my schedule for the next three days with fifths of whiskey, the poor man's psychotherapy. I hope you're happy.

- Pareeha... IMAGE WON'T LEAVE MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good grief, man! How many game-show-crazy grannies do you think will show up to kiss those old prunes? Oh, well. Bob will win, because he probably has some Barker Beauties with him, and that will be enough to encourage some male college students to come over and see if they can kiss them (and that shrewdie Bob will probably charge them extra for the privilege).

Richard Dawson, however, was last seen fleeing a 300-pound, divorced trailer-park woman who never forgot that kiss he gave her 15 years ago. Sorry, Richard. But you knew it was going to catch up with you some day.

- Oxymoron ("Richard Dawson makes people pucker up, but so do lemons")

i don't know 23-skidanything about either of these guys, so i made my decision based entirely on whose skin-tone looked more like a human. Obviously, i could make no official decision.

- the mysterious 'jimmy'

Okay, last match you forced us to consider the idea of the Huxtables having sex.

And now this match is a kissing contest with Richard Dawson and Bob Barker.

No offense, guys, but keep this up and you may as well add a "Readers All Mangle and Kill Themselves" button.

- Infraggable Krunk

I'm assuming Bob and Richard are bringing their posses with them. And who would that be? Kickin with Bad Boy Bob are Rod Roddy and Heather Kozar. That's right Rod, Bob's sidekick for 15 years and the voice of "The Love Connection". And who can forget Heathers stunningly sensual commercial for Jiffy Lube or LIP INK for crying out loud. Who are the Dick Dawson gang? That would be Ray Combs and Kenneth Washington. WHO? Exactly my point. His original replacement on FF and Sgt. Baker, the other black guy from HH. Nobodies! Top that with the simple fact that in the German broadcast version of Hogan's Heroes Newkirk stutters. Pucker up for Richard "Stuttering Dick" Dawson or Bob "Surrounded By SEX" Barker. No contest. Bob rakes in piles of moola for a crushing victory.

- The Flying Lizard

I have to admit, I'm a little fuzzy on how kissing booths raise money. Is each booth charging the same amount per kiss (so the match is won on quantity)? Or, because it is a charity fundraiser, do the booths' patrons get to name their own price (so the quality of the kisses wins it)?

If it's quantity, we have to look to the deciding factor in generating sales (Either through repeat business or referrals): Customer service. Referrals will come only if people are satisfied with the service they received. And they will only be satisfied if they get what they want, whether or not it coincides with what the celebrity kisser is willing to give. Consider these scenarios: (1) some sweet young thing approaches the booth, but only wants a peck on the cheek, (2) some hormonally challenged behemoth wants to suck face (3) Some guy wants a kiss (of either variety). I really can't see Dawson taking this one... sure both game show hosts have kissed or been kissed by men (I think) and ugly women (I'm positive), but has Dawson ever missed a chance to kiss a young, attractive woman full on the lips?

But what if it's judged on quality? While I'd rather not devote too much time or thought to the kissing abilities of elderly men, I think Bob probably has it on this front as well. When was the last time Dawson played tonsil hockey? Bob's still hosting The Price Is Right, ensuring he has a minimum of 6 kisses per show... and that's just for the Showcase Showdown. He also gets a peck every time someone wins a pricing game, a few smooches from those people who are excited just to have been called down to Contestants row. And that's not counting the tonguing from Barker's Beauties (True, they sue him over it later, but it's still good practice)

Now if each society sets their own rate, and the Tri-Ragea-Grudgas price is wrong prohibitive, then Dawson and the Delta Hooliga Lambdas may take this one. Barring that, it looks like T-R-G & their spokesman will kiss off (oh, the puns... ) the competition.

- Estrella (Beso me mucho... no, not really)

I went with Richard Dawson because it looks like he is doing the sign of the devil in that photo. What chance has Bob Barker against the demons of the underworld, besides getting Satan's dog neutered?

- Butterbean

One does not question the Gods when they fight. How can a lowly mortal such as myself possibly vote one over the other? I am an average man who cannot, nay should not, dream of obtaining the woman the Gods Richard and Bob command. They are hung down to their knee's (they must be, look how cool they are), while I am relegated to last weeks National Geographic for Executive Relief. It is not within my power to judge my supperior's. Those of you who came up with this Grudge Match should spend a night Hogging CTM (College Trade Mark) as penance for your sins against The High Priests of Chicks. Evoke not their wrath, lest you be smitten with Rosie O'Donnell as a wife!

- Humble Servant of Their Greatness

Its definiately Bob.

Richard cant talk from his jaw becoming gelatinous from kissing all those old and ugly women. Therefore he's distracted with his vanity and is rendered defenseless.

The bottled up frustration from the crowd causes Bob to malicously beat Richard to death, giving him the win.

- I.D. Check

Hmm, I thought to myself. It's time for a new Grudge Match! Now, ehat violence will be going about this week?

I go to the site. I read the setting. The commentary. I find the point of the match.

I am dumbfounded.

I check the site address again to make sure I haven't screwed up. I haven't.

I look at the nature of the match again.

I look at the adress.

I switch views repeatedly. This s WWWF?

WWWF. The most tasteful violence on the Web. Where anything is violent; Canada fights, Mr. Clean fights, where you manage to get BARNEY TO WHACK AT AN OPPONENT WITH A CHAINSAW.

And I get...this. I was sitting open-mouthed at the screen for several days, too shocked to move.

Then, I passed out forom hunger, which broke the trance, and when I woke up again I wrote this comment.

We get this nature of a match in WWWF. Now I know the world has gone crazy.

P.S. I vote for the Barker guy, 'cuz he's winning. Just 'cuz I'm shell shocked doesn't mean I don't want to be on the winning team.

- Snicker

Thee is a disturbing similarity in the way these two relate to women. Physical intimacy is coerced through superiority of social position, expectations of peer groups, and the implied promise of reward for cooperation. Psychologically, the relationships are unhealthy, exploitive, bordering on abusive.

And the women love it. There is something underlying female psychology that makes them crave mistreatment, search out the 'bad boys' who will use them. Don't ask me why. I just know that I'm a nice guy, and thus get no notice from women, and that's proof enough for me.

Obviously, whoever promises the greater exploitation and mistreatment of these women will have more flocking to his booth. Barker makes a fair showing, with a sexual harassment suit in his past, but that's not enough when people will remember Dawson hosting a game show where the contestants get killed! Okay, it was a movie, but haven't I already made it plain that these women aren't thinking that clearly?

Richard Dawson makes out like a bandit.

- Call me Shane

As they both go for each others throats their hips break simultaneusly,then two of the lovely ladies(tm) will have the unfortunate task of changing their diapers.By the end of the match all you'll see is two old men surrounded by beatiful,but completely plastic women,vomiting in agony as they look at the sagging smelly old carcases of the two old men who have had heart attacks consecutively.Bob Barker wins,he's revived for a few moments to enjoy his victory,but then flatlines and goes to game show host heaven (tm)

- morbid


Bob Barker and Richard Dawson in a kissing contest.
Hmmmmm.......what's the opposite of a pedophile?

- Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

The "Family Feud" Grudge Match
Alex v. Pat v. Regis
All Game Show-Themed Grudge Matches

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Next Match: Repeated contestants and a repeated setting.
ETA: Monday, January 28th, 2002

© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC