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What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

Dar, having executed Rip Torn and had his way with Tanya Roberts, begins to wander the wilderness with his animal posse looking for his next adventure. In a foreshadowing of things yet to come, he stumbles across the The Portal of Time™. Weighing the positives and minuses of time travel versus another night of drinking under the tree with the bat people, he opts for the former. Dar, the hawk, the panther and Koto & Poto, the two mischievous yet lovable ferrets, leap into the portal in search of a good time.

Once through, he finds himself in pretty much the same spot as before: in a desert area with no one in sight and nothing to do. He and the animals again begin to wander, but before they get too far, they come across a beautiful woman on horseback who, much like Tanya, is scantily clad in animal skins. This woman, however, seems lost, scared and unable to speak. Relating to her inability to put together a coherent sentence, Dar feels an immediate attachment to her.

A horn blows in the distance. Dar and the woman look to see a crowd of people running straight at them from over a nearby hill. They are being chased by more men on horseback carrying guns. As they get closer, Dar realizes that they aren't men on the horses, but apes!

So, Brian, how does the human handle these hairy heavies?

The Planet of the Apes The Beastmaster

Planet of the Apes vs. Beastmaster

The Commentary

BRIAN: Unless I missed something during my vocabulary lessons in grade school, this is an ugly rout. A bunch of monkeys versus someone called the Beast Master? This is like matching up the cast of a Fruit-of-the-Loom commercial against a blender. Remember that scene in Star Wars where Obi-Wan Kenobi uses The Force (tm) on the Stormtroopers?

"These aren't the droids you're looking for."
"These aren't the droids we're looking for."
That's exactly what it's going to be like. Granted, the apes may be slightly more strong-minded than your average stormtrooper (barely), so maybe they'll put up a little bit of a struggle. The end result is worse, though, as they battle this mind control and end up looking like Steve Martin in All of Me. Hardly an effective fighting force. If Diane Fossey were to stumble across this scene she might conclude that the local animals were conducting some sort of Simian Special Olympics.

And let's not forget that he controls plenty of other animals as well. Need a herd of elephants? No problem. Need a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds? Coming right up. Oh, and notice that the apes are riding in on horseback. One squint from Dar and the apes go "flying over the handlebars" like in an outtake from a Kevin Costner movie. And don't get me started on the destructive force that is two mischievous yet lovable ferrets. This is just so unfair on so many levels. Even the apes most feared weapon, their crappy sequels, is no match for Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus.

Dar is a guy that has survived the Bat People from the tree, the Lizard People from V, and co-starring with Kari Wuhrer. What can a bunch of religiously confused primates throw at him that he hasn't already seen, other than their own feces?

HOTBRANCH: Maybe Darwin was wrong after all. You certainly haven't evolved, and I don't see how you could think that Dar had evolved to the point of being able to control an advanced ape civilization. I know that when you traipse around the Grudge Towers™, you feel as if every door is a time portal, transporting you (and your caped teddy bear) forwards and backwards through time, but it's time to get a grip. You haven't traveled through time. EVER. You only think you did because your watch stopped working seven months ago.

Everyone knows that chapter 163, section F, subsection viii, paragraph m of Time Travel for Dummies clearly states "Time travelers retain all the skills and attributes of their actual time; they do not gain or lose additional abilities present (or absent) in their new temporal dimension. If you are stupid enough to travel to a time where you are considered weak and vulnerable, remember that we warned you here first!" The only animals Dar will be able to control are those that traveled through time with him, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if they sold him out to the apes to keep themselves alive. Mischievous and lovable ferrets? More like devious and cold-hearted.

Face it, Brian, Dr. Zaius will have a Dar-skin rug before the time traveler realizes that he has no control over these primates. The good doctor was fooled by one talking human, he won't fall for that trick again. The best course of action for Dar is to go back where he came from and to have the nice folks at Monsters Inc. shred the portal for him. In his own time, he might be the Beastmaster, but in the distant future where apes rule, he won't even be master of his bodily functions.

BRIAN: Being Canadian, and therefore on the losing end of Natural Selection (tm), I would have thought you might have a better understanding of such things. Why does Dar need to evolve? He is a Beast Master, monkeys are beasts... do the math! Dar doesn't need to evolve a bit, because he already has all the powers he needs.

For the sake of argument, though, let's say that the apes have evolved to a point where they are no longer controlled by Dar. That's a huge stretch, but since that's all you've got in your favor, I'll throw you a bone. Well, what's the flip side to this? Obviously, the humans of the time have sufficiently devolved so that they could be controlled by Dar. He'd be able to gather an army of savage humans that would be at his disposal. Granted, these humans are about as bright as your typical crowd from a NASCAR infield, but there's power in numbers. And let's not forget that most of the apes are terrified of humans. When Charlton Heston got loose, there was panic in the streets! Releasing a flood of humans on the apes would be like a cross between Whacking Day(tm) and a scene from Tokyo during a Godzilla/Mothra/Gamera invasion. With the total chaos, confusion and destruction that he could cause, Dar could conquer the simians or merely escape up the coast with his new babe in search of radiated mutants.

You can't have it both ways, HB!. Dar can either control the apes or control the humans. Either way, this is no contest. And I haven't even touched on the possibilities of what could happen if Dirk Diggler and the Funky Bunch happen to show up. [shudder]

HOTBRANCH: Oh... So now he's the HUMAN Master! OK. Whatever... I'll type this slowly, so you can understand. Dar is master of the beasts only when humans are the strongest link of the food chain. Unfortunately, Dar's ventured into a world where apes are on the top step of the evolutionary ladder; therefore, his jedi mind trick™ won't work. The apes have developed speech, they have domesticated humans, and, most importantly, they have the guns.

This is no ordinary freaky Friday scenario. When Dar stepped through the Portal of Time, he went from being top dog in his dimension to the main ingredient for a hot dog. He is like Superman with a lovely kryptonite pendant. He might be able to startle a few of the apes when he begins to speak, much like when Charlton Heston spoke and managed to escape. In the end, though, it will be no different than the reaction of a human faced with a talking chihuahua. After the initial shock wears off, you beat the talking beast to within an inch of its life and put it in a zoo or on television.

Dar can try to mobilize the humans, but, as you brilliantly explained earlier, he's working with the equivalent of a NASCAR infield. Yee-haw! Lookit them cars go! Hey, Lurleen, flash yer funbags at that purty boy Jeff Gordon so he crashes! I'd feel safer if the Canadian army had my back... Strength in numbers only works if you can get the masses coordinated. How can Dar communicate his plan for rebellion if the humans are always making like the French army at the first sound of a Scorpions song? Face it, Brian, the apes are approaching rapidly on horseback, carrying guns, while the grunting, smelly humans are running away. Your hero is like a Dar stuck in the headlights...

Thanks to the several people that suggested similar matches

The Results

The Beastmaster

Beastmaster (2408 - 54.3%)


The Planet of the Apes

Planet of the Apes (2024 - 45.7%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

Voter Comments


Beastmaster's going down like a toilet seat at a feminists convention. His control over animals will be significantly diminished, if not utterly destroyed. Why? Because the Apes have the ability to warp reality to extremes that would make Parallax shudder.

For proof, may I point you towards the modern remake of Planet of the Apes (a.k.a. Why Tim Burton Shouldn't Do Remakes). You may recall that Charleton Heston plays an aged Ape general who advises his son about the upcoming battle. In his speech, he uses a gun as an example of how foolish and destructive humans are. Did I mention this is Charleton "From My Cold, Dead, Fingers" Heston? Alzheimer's aside, that is distortion of reality on the level of Larry Flynt teaching Sunday School or Ozzy Osbourne guest-starring on Sesame Street! Poor Beastmaster from his fuzzy, soft-porn 80's adventure universe has no idea what he's getting into.

Dar's remains will be buried under the wreckage of the Statue of Liberty, alongside the print of the excised love scene between Marky Mark and an ape woman.

- Oxymoron - If we're down to 12 fights a year, I wanna make the best of it

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM


Could you pick 2 odder pictures than the ones you have up here this week? It looks like Dar is giving it to his feline compatriot real good and justifying his beastmaster title, while the 3 apes look on like a mutated version of the American Idol Judges.

..then again, given the choice of listening to Justin Guarini sing, I think I'd rather watch a man have sex with a cat myself.

- Budo

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

The Beastmaster was made as a ripoff of Conan the Barbarian, as played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. The real Schwarzenegger has just proved that he can seize power over a crowd of damn dirty apes. Since the first Beastmaster movie actually sucked slightly less than the Conan film it was imitating, Dar is therefore even more fit to rule over apes than Ahnuld is.

- KP, a true Californian and damn embarrassed to admit it

I don't know why, but this situation reminds me of the custom warcraft3 game, Footman wars armegedon. Basically, you have a forever multiplying number of footmen (the apes/humans), and a hero (beastmaster). The hero gains levels fast, and has an extra, super ultimate ability for each of his attacks. The point is, there is a hero called the beastmaster, who can summon a hawk, bear and a pig.

The super tricked out bear can kill the footman with one blow, and almost zero seconds of cooldown. The scenario is surprisingly familliar. Beastmaster rallies the humans into battle against the apes, and while they are slaughtered, the beastamster gains enough experience to summon the super tricked out Puma, who mercilessly kills all of the blood thirsty orcs while beastmaster gets some hot poontang from that scatitly clad chick.

- Deathbunny32 (THE WARDEN IS RIGGED!!!)

Well, let's look at allies here. First of, the Apes can call in Dunston, the flying monkeys from Oz, and King Kong (a WWWF loser). And Clyde the orangutan's right turn is useless against all those guns.

Who does the Beast Master bring to the table? The human resistance in V are all packing heat. I'm sure they're better guns than what the apes got. Kari Wuhrer was an Army officer in Sliders... that gives him somebody to organize all these humans into an effective fighting force. And that Sliders timer lets him chuck all those Apes into his own little Portal of Time(TM). Sure, Sliders was cheesy, but that only forces the Apes to deal with the pain of bad entertainment while they try to deal with a ridiculously implausible alternate Earth. Game, set, match to the Beast Master.

- mtk1701

Okay, I know that about a billion other people are going to bring this up, but I want to be the first.

If Roy of Siegfried and Roy can't control a raging tiger, I don't think a B-movie beast tamer is going to be able to exert control over other animals too well. So there.

- The Amazing Rando~! (Maybe I'll survive the Iron Fist by using HTML...)

Shit, have you seen the picture for Beastmaster? More like beastility master. One slutty oranguatan, and the apes win.

- Potman the predator ("Fuck you Matt Damon! Were apes, not monkeys you wothless piece of shit! Now get back in your cage and service Janet Jackson!" )

I don't care if the Apes are up against a glass of saline solution; I will continue to vote for their opponents until I feel compensated for the two hours of my life lost to that damn dirty Tim Burton film. One hour, fifty-nine minutes and thirty-eight seconds to go...

- Daddy Doma

All I know is , if Tim Burton is directing, no one will know what the hell happened.

- Canus Shamus

This match is so one-sided that it was a miracle it made it to the Grudge Match. The winners will obviously be the apes. Here are the reasons:

Numerical superiority: All Dar has on his side is a hawk, a big cat, and two ferrets. The apes have their entire army (if one is willing to go with the dreadful Tim Burton remake, that army can be very large indeed).

Technology: The people in Dar's society have no real technology to speak of. Look at Dar's main weapon - some kind big misshapen bone sort of thing. Might be good in a melee, but can't do a darn thing at any sort of range. The apes have rifles and access to explosives. As we have seen many a time in real world history, a group of people with guns and explosives will *always* triumph over or even exterminate those with only stone-age technology.

Brains: Dar may have mental powers over animals, but he and the rest of the people in Dar's world are dumb as fenceposts (see above paragraph). On the other hand, the apes have a culture that can actually manufacture firearms and explosives. They even have scientists (Dr. Zaius, Cornelius, and Zira). This shows that the apes are much smarter. As an added benefit, since they have technology, the apes would be immune to Dar's powers.

The Movies: The first "Planet of the Apes" was actually considered a good film. The sequels got worse though. On the other hand, the first "BeastMaster" film was schlock, and the sequels were far worse.

The TV Series: Both franchises spawned lame TV series. But the "BeastMaster" series is so stupid as to be unwatchable. I only know one person who watches it and they are so dumb they couldn't find their own backside even when aided by a detailed map, GPS transponder, and a flashlight.

This will be one of the shortest Grudge Matches in history. The apes will pick off Dar, Nova, the hawk, and the cat from about fifty yards. As for the ferrets, they will be trampled by the horses.

- The Demented Astronomer

has a grudge match ever actually been decided by the wit and erudition of the commentary? certainly not in any of the many cases where those imbecillic dolts from have polluted your fine site with their slavish partisanism for anything even vaguely related to Star Wars.

well, the commentary doesn't usually sway me a whole lot either, but in this instance i found hotbranch's commentary so good that i actually had to pick the beastmaster even though my natural inclination was to go with the apes.

sorry Mr Serling, but maybe they'll enter your real work of genius, the Twilight Zone, in the next match

- carl gibson

An interesting comment, given that Hotbranch argued in favor of the Apes... -Eds.

No woman, regardless of intelligence or clothedness, is going to go for a guy with a name like Dar.

- The Mad Josher

I'm fairly certain that Dar will see victory over the apes, though not by his own hand.

You gotta' remember that Charlon Heston is the living embodiment of the NRA. Combine that with the grude-holding powers of a cantankerous old man who has experience with these apes, and you've got a formidable ally.

Think Heston will let bygones be bygones? Hell no.

He'll organize a war-mongering party of NRA affiliates and redneck hunters to assist Dar in freeing the humans.

Bear in mind that Heston will gain political favor by both Republicans AND Democrats for being the saviour of the human race.

Wait... Dar may be shot as well... don't those damn ferrets live in his backpack or something? They'd better not peak their heads out during this ordeal, or Dar's gonna' have to deal with not only monkeys, but rednecks and their winchesters.


Forget the guns, you fools have neglected to mention the Ape's truly greatest weapon, the ancient feces throwing technique. One blast from this Unholy move and Dar can kiss his loin-clothed ass goodbye. Even if by some slim chance his powers allow him to command the countless parasites not to infect his body. The horrible diseases that shall come to ravage his body, ranging from E-Coli, Shigellosis, and Salmonellosis. Perish Dar, and let us hope your fall leaves plenty of those scantily clad women friends of yours vulnerable, in mourning, and in need of a shoulder to cry on.

- Spiffy, Elite Shadow Warrior, and Future Master of You Pathetic Organ Sacs

Planet of the Apes win, because it gave us the best line ever: "Get your hands off me, you damn, dirty ape!"

This line truely is the best phrase ever created, followed by, "Would you like fries with that?"

Think of the uses:

1) Cop harassing you
2) Ugly aunt trying to kiss you or pinch your checks
3) Girlfriend that is sobbing on your shoulder
4) Anger bikers
5) When talking to THE MONKEYS

And the variations:

1) Get your hands off me, you dman ditry hippy!
2) Get your claws of me, you damn dirty bear (ok, that isn't so good)
3) Get your muscliy hands off me, you damn dirty Govenor of California (And if Arnold isn't, I feel real stupid about that last on.)
4) Get your hands off me, you damn dirty Grudge-Match creators!

And so on.

What did we get from Beast MAster? A horrible show that airs on the WB and Fox when there are no Baseball games.

Planet of the apes better win.

- Mr. Chaos (Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape! Hehe, gets me everytime.)

I have to agree with Brian, a Beastmaster victory if there ever was one. Now, I'm no fan of Dar's, an over-rated, muscle bound, screwing Tanya Roberts (Rogers, whatever) when she was hot, animal lover. But consider the following....

He is the BEAST-MASTER(noun) defined as "the master of beasts". Do we need any other clarification on this. Is the Canadian definition of beast so different from ours that our friends North of the Border (with 98% of their population stationed there!) don't understand the man/beast relationship. Regardless of whether the apes or humans are considered the "beasts" of this relationship, Dar will have a mindless, complacent, unholy army at his disposal. The fact that Dr. Zaius and his poo-flinging buddies are top of the food chain is irrelevant, particularly because they don't eat humans. Apes are vegetarians; one point against them for stupidity, one point against them for not developing the enzymes necessary to digest meat. Who's more evolved now....

Let's suppose though that Dar can't control the apes. If memory serves, didn't Dr. Zira (or however you spell it) develop a "thing" for Charlton Heston. So the apes are capable of beastiality, again man/beast relationship. Back in the 80's, Dar was considered attractive by both humans and lizard people. Couldn't he have the same effect on an ape? Think about it, would you rather have wine, cheese and soft music (as promised by Dar) or feces throwing and urine baths (Cornelius' signature foreplay).

This discussion only raises more serious questions.

- Todd the Fish Guy

As long as Mark Wahlberg gets his ass beaten, I could care less who wins.

- Keeper of the Light ©

aight heres how it is... the apes will CRUSH that so-called "beast master". heres the scoop...

Beastmaster=Fruitcup wearing a grass thong and uses his mind to control panthers and such...*coughGAYcough*

Apes=HUGE man-eating gorillas wearing heavy armor and weilding clubs and battle-axes

scenario-Beastmaster uses his powers to summon a herd of raging buffalo.

Apes charge.
buffalo stampede towards apes.
apes smash buffalos heads in.
beastmaster summons a panther.
gorilla smashes panthers head in with a mace.
beatmaster summons a pidgeon.
pidgeon craps on gorillas heads.
gorillas charge and smash beastmasters head in.
he dies, gorillas win, end of story...there ya go.

thas how its gunna happen, no doubt about it... BEASTMASTER SHALL FALL!!!!!!

- -Ethan-

Big Dumb Barbarian vs. Monkeys In Suits? - It's been done. (BM 1, PotA 0)
Big Dumb Barbarian vs. Planet of the Apes? - Also been done. (BM 2, PotA 0)
Harvester of Souls vs. Harvester of Cash - Not relevant, but it's always best to do these in groups of three. (BM 2, PotA 0)

Bottom Line: We're far from mature on this website, so the winner is going to be the guy who's initials are 'BM'.

- Albatross

I have little experience with either franchise, so I voted for Beastmaster because...


BECAUSE BRIAN'S COMMENTARY MADE MORE SENSE!! *runs off sobbing hysterically*

- Jak the Duck - "Go away! I'm hideous!!"

As the California Recall is showing, it all comes down to media presence. In this, the Beastmaster wins hands down. Sure, the Planet O' the Apes has sequels and even a nifty (cough cough) Tim Burton remake.

However, in the 80's the fledgling cable networks owed their very existence to the Dar-man given their plentiful rebroadcasts of his exploits.

What do you think HBO stands for, anyway? "HEY, BEASTMASTER'S ON!!"

- J. 'First, I gotta take a whiz - don't you go anywhere!' Elad

There are two main reasons for the outcome of the fight.

1. Brains. The Beastmaster is no (non-senile) Charelton Heston. These monkeys have doctorates.

2. The match says PLANET of the Apes vs. Beastmaster. John McClane vs. the Deathstar is one thing, this is another.

At the end of the day Beastmaster will be lobotomized and no one will know the difference.

- Noman

The Apes had trouble dealing with one ORDINARY human. A barbarian is just overkill. Besides, Beastmaster has ferrets! How can you not love a barbarian who has pet ferrets? They're the greatest deceptively cute but potentially dangerous pet ever!

- Andy the Anarchist

Do you see that .ca in my email address? That's right, I'm Canadian. Brian thinks Canadians are on the losing end of evolution, and Hotbranch would rather trust the Canadian army. I haven't ever seen either Planet of the Apes or Beastmaster, but anyone who doesn't like Canadians is clearly going to be wrong about other things too.

- The Ranged Lunatic

well I was leaning towards Brian's side, until he threw out the cheap shot towards Canadians. Incidentally, which Planet of the Apes were you planning on using? Earth in the future, from the old evidenced in the main picture of the match, or some other planet, from the new evidenced by the picture where you vote? Clearly the newer one, while a worse movie, had stronger apes, who would have more of an advantage. Either way, the apes win. They beat up on Charlton Heston - gun-toting idiot (a.k.a American). THis beastmaster guy doesn't even have firearms. He's done.

- Superfraggle, eh. Shooting people solves nothing...damned Yankees

Fact: In season eight of MST3K, Mike and the bots found themselves in the time of the Planet of the Apes, and discovered that the apes vaunted lawgiver was in fact Pearl Forrester, mother of their erstwhile tormenter.

Fact: Pearl Forrester has shown herself to be an expert at identifying bad movies and capturing them for the purpose of tormenting Mike and the bots.

Fact: Pearl Forrester's son Clayton is Master of Space and Time, as shown in the very cool Grudge Match Bad Movie Critics episode. While Pearl and her son are presently estranged, he may still feel he owes her for the whole going into the valley of death to bring him life thing.

Fact: I have never heard of Beastmaster, despite having two sequels and a recent TV series. The summaries make them sound like cinematic smoothies made up of cast off plots from Conan, Tarzan, and Highlander, with some completely unessential time traveling thrown in, apparently just because they can. They also mention the presence of Rip Torn.

Deduction: Beastmaster and all its sequels were bad movies.

Summary of analysis: Bad movie character shows up in world ruled by a woman with divine connections, who happens to be an expert at recognizing and conquering bad movies.

Conclusion: The Apes capture the BeastMaster on Pearl's orders, she sends the movie to Mike and the Bots, they riff it mercilessly, and Dar sobs like a ninny.

- Weird Mark

The Beastmaster is a juvenile hero fantasy from Hollywood. But George W. Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger prove that the Planet of the Apes is a dead-accurate social prediction that is coming true.

The apes win. We lose.

- - Mr. Glag (who voted absentee three weeks ago and right now has no idea if Ahnuld will win or not)

Now time me think. Hmmmmmm...

Well, this match takes to much thinking, plus I've never seen any of the movies, so I'll simplify things...

Beast Master - Human with long hair who hangs out with two silly, (and most-likely very annoying) small creatures. Hmmm... long hair, two small and annoying buddies. The Powder Puff Girls! Geez, they are so annoying!

Planet of the Apes- Primates that have advanced past humans. Hey, isn't there a stupid monkey who's always fighting the Power Puffs? And losing?

Well, considering what I've said, the Power Puff Girls, I mean, Beast Master has it in the bag. But, I hate the Power Puff Girls so much that I will be there with my lightsaber (tm).

Summary: Beast Master is the Power Puff Girls, Planet of the Apes is Mojo Jojo, and even chemical X(tm) can't survive the burning blade of my lightsaber(tm)!

- A Leprechaun called 'Knuckles'

In order to decide this match, we must look closely at each contestant. Dar is the Beastmaster, so he 'masters beasts'.

Following me?

Planet of the Apes is ruled by Monkeys. Another word for 'master beasts' is 'spank the monkey.' When you spank someone, they become your bitch. So, because Dar masters beasts, he will be able to spank the monkeys into submission.

- Floormatt (You all have sick minds)

The apes will look at the Beastmaster as he tries to exert his will over them, and they'll say to themselves, "How cute! He's trying to be one of us!" The problem is, he's still got a language barrier to overcome. Even in his own language, he's not the most eloquent speaker. Then, compare him to the apes, most of whom have British accents. That thar's fancy talk! With an accent like that comes class and poise. Why should they place themselves at the feet of the Beastmaster? He's in a tattered loincloth, smells like it's never been washed, carries around rats, and speaks poor english. Barring his sword and the jungle cat, he's no better than some homeless guy. The Beastmaster will soon find himself being "beast mastered", and I doubt it will be to his liking. Well, he's used to ferrets, maybe it will.

- Pareeha

So, if Dar wins this election here, he becomes Ah-nuld's Lieutenant Governor right?? And if the monkey's win, they will get to lead the recall effort against Ah-nuld so that they can become Governor, until they are done with all the hard work of getting the recall and then King Kong throws his hat into the ring. I just hope the ACLU slaps you guys with that restraining order to not let you let any more of the Grudge-verse leak into our reality here. It’s just not safe!!

- BIGMRG74 when can the big gorilla and me get our hands on that de-evolved human known as Oxymoron??

OK, Hotbranch, I’m taking you deep, down-town, and your argument along with you. If we buy Hotbranch’s basic premise that Planet of the Apes Humans = NASCAR Infield, then I have no doubt that the Beastmaster will organize humans to prevail.

A fatal flaw in Hotbranch's argument is the characterization of NASCAR as some sort of subhuman mass that is incapable of coordination and communication. But, if you check, NASCAR is the first sport to use electronic communication to communicate between the bench (pit) and the player (driver). Further, NASCAR crews negotiate with each other over those headsets to coordinate the drafts - those long lines of cars that run together so that they can go collectively faster by reducing the coefficient of friction. And, NASCAR has awards for more than winning, and there are both one-shot awards (for a race) and long-term awards (for the Winston Cup season), which depend on these complex negotiations. Indeed, scholars in International Relations and Economics are so impressed with these negotiation games that they are using NASCAR as a model to solve coordination and cooperation problems of the sort presented by Adam Smith and John Nash. NASCAR provides fundamental evidence as to why human beings cooperate. This research will doubtlessly, someday win the Nobel Prize in Economics.

But, of greater importance, NASCAR evolved from moonshine running. Law-and-order types (Gorillas) and religious zealots (Orangutans) have no hope of defeating moonshiners or moonshiner-like creatures, especially if said moonshiners have inspired leadership (consider this to be the Uncle Jesse Duke Law of Social OrderTM). And, popular culture teaches us that rural southern types always prevail over intellectuals (Chimpanzees) who underestimate the wit and sagacity of their rural, down-home adversaries (AKA the Jed Clampett RuleTM). And, since the Beastmaster looks like he could be one of the Duke Boys (or maybe Cooter after a real bender). It is safe to say that he will prevail over the Apes by using That Mojo That You Know So Well.

Besides, even today, Tanya Roberts would look great in a pair of Daisy DukesTM and a halter top (thanks for letting me enjoy that thought!)

- Dr. Stones

Yeah, but can you turn right? Didn't think so, Chester... -HB!

To the beat of Gorillaz and D12 "9-11"

There ain't no trouble in Grudge (Match)
They come loaded with Gatts (Gatts)
Late for School, Late for Work
But ahead of these profs (profs)
My belief is shocked, a dent in the bar (bar)
Like, Grudge goes a month and thats pathetic as Dar (Dar)
A waste of acting talent, monkeys are just everywhere
Placed on the planet, remain in all out warfare
Derelict Simians beat Muscles with Hair
Apes apparent to punish the human for his heritage,
Koto scurries ways, Poto embarrassed
Tanya Roberts not hot enuff to cherish
In your room face to face with species awareness
A race to shit, monkey’s flinging poo at you
They are calm in this war, he don’t even have a starter pistol
Cause if Hotbranch is right and Dar doesn’t have controlling ways
He’ll be sacrificed to the monkey god,
with a festival that last for days
Follow into a battle that they will win when they engage
Not even Brian will be safe from their rage

The Jungle’s Owns, Without a fucking care in my dome
Bearin' my bones, so far away staring at home
Stay at my zone, falling asleep late polishing chrome
Feelin' the hype from this Ahnuld clone
Keeps me off the streets, bullshitin’ and eatin’ beef
Go to my Momma’s for Christmas, give a toy to my niece
Real Simians feel me and fear me
Gorilla’s beat on they chest when
My homeboy Silverback, I hope that you hear me
The spirit of Bugs B. is still in me
I like woman that dress like Trinity
Cause my fists hit you in three's like trilogy's
Put the gun away, hit me with the warriors blaze
So much snow you can't tell the difference between night and day
Right away dig your life away, with an icy glaze
Tearing thru it all at a speed that lives you phased
Bigmrg74 might be crazed unleashin' my venomous rage
The next time you hear a verse from me, Oxymoron might be caged


Every night I talk to a note book, taking caffeine in bulks
Takin’ notes from the chalks
I'm too lazy, schools got me crazy
Brought a drink for this hottie, but she was still a baby
And I ain't never going home, takes to long to go
It's cold I'll be for cramming for the exam wrong
As I sit in my seat and remain calm
And close my eyes and wait for the exam (Here it comes!)

[Big loud explosion of a monkey poo bomb]

- BIGMRG74 - this thug has plenty more for you Oxy!!

OK, Although the Apes Should be winning, I see the Beastmaster is winning here and i think I know Why. In the World of the Apes the Ape is no longer a beast but is sentient while Humans are no longer sentient but are now the Beast. Beastmaster can control beasts (In this case not the apes but the Humans) and of course in the real world its the Humans who can use the Net and vote (Under the Dubious control of the beastmaster). Kind of like the Florida presedential elections in 2000.

- ApeMan

A horn blows in the distance. Dar and the woman look to see a crowd of people running straight at them from over a nearby hill. They are being chased by more men on horseback carrying guns. As they get closer, Dar realizes that they aren't men on the horses, but apes!

Dar rushes to the rescue of the humans, his faithful companions by his side. With a thought from Dar, the horses throw their furry masters and run off. The panther pounces on one stunned ape, grabbing his throat and breaking his neck with a nod. The panther falls dead as another ape's rifle cracks. Dar freezes, seeing and hearing the devastating and unfamiliar weapon.

The apes spring to their feet, pointing their rifles at Dar, who regains his composure and concentrates.

"There's a voice in my head!" cries one ape.

"Mine as well, and its coming from it" Says another, pointing at Dar with is rifle.

"Its a monster! Kill it!" says a third panicked gorilla.

bang bang, bye bye Dar.

- I. Phill Kuntz

1. Can make his thoughts known to annimals.
2. can see through the eyes of his animals.
3. Dar has a really cool royal sword about 4 and 1/2 feet long.

Apes (AKA Monkeys)
1. Are animals
2. enslave humans and use them as whipping boys and other things for fun.
3. Monkeys have devoloped a society and sentient thought like humans.
4. Monkeys have also developed mental problems like humans.
5. Monkeys have guns.

Here's how it goes down:

DAR:(mentally projecting to the monkys) Get off your horses drop those sticks and bring me a bannana monky boy.

Monkey #1: Oh god no not again the voices! The doctor told me if i took my medicine they would stop!

DAR:(still mentally) Bring me a bannana!!!

M1: Ahhhh!!!! just like last time I have to kill to make them stop!

Dar decides to take cover

Dar: Maybe If I can see what they are looking at? (Looking through monky eyes) I see me squating by that bush now it is looking at me don the stick. That little bump is covering my head.....

Never ever bring a knife to a gun fight.

- MOD-Minister of Darknesss

Too bad for the Beastmaster that the Apes were having a family reunion.

Donkey Kong led the charge, right behind was Diddy Kong, his second- in-command; both were armed with their fruit firearms. Optimus Prime in Gorilla Beast Form led the troops, which was a screeching herd of monkey Pokemon: Mankey, Primeape, and Aipom. Curious George wandered around the battlefield, intrigued by the violence that had never before entered his world. Guybrush Threepwood, having escaped from Monkey Island for the fifth time and this time with all the monkeys, led his own army, which was trained in the art of Monkey Kombat (TM). Apu had flown in via Magic Carpet, and Ape had convined George to let him take Shemp as a battle elephant/dog. Right behind all of them was King Kong, who had recovered from the burns Godzilla gave him by now.

And of course, the Three Stooges, because they behave like monkeys.

There was no Ape Escape (TM) for the Beastmaster. In the end, he and his pathetic companions were reduced to an unslightly bile of bones. Curious George, fiddling around, threw one into the air, and it turned into a spaceship.

NEVER mess with monkeys!

- Groucho Magmarx

[email received by tachyon pulse]


The sound you are hearing is the sound of email crossing the time barrier. There was a time (in the past? in the future?) when HBO was dedicated to continous airing of the Beastmaster, when Charlton Heston fought the dirty Ape on UHF every weekend. And Ricardo Montalban was involved. And in this time we learn that to beat the Ape you need a hero, the kind of hero who can accent his bronzed chest with the right medallion, a stone killer who can make out with a self-regenerating lizard babe and then kill her with the red powder...

Oh wait, I'm sorry, the Apes have guns. The Beastmaster is screwed. Gymkata without a pommel-horse screwed.

- Dave C.

Hm, a shaggy-blond-haired, shirtless, animal-skin-shorts-wearing guy astride a huge jungle cat. No, it's not Sigfreid or Roy, it must be -- HE-MAN! Or so I can only assume, having never seen a Beastmaster flick.

He-Man (or as he lets me call him, Mr. H), the Masterest of all Masters of the Universe... who routinely fought and bested man- animals in the form of two-headed freakos, rock monsters, giant robot crabs and even a large bipedal skunk (!!!), all while keeping his secret identity as Questionable Little Prince Foo-Foo * er, Adam, safely secret. And a planet of big ape-men is supposed to scare him? Maybe if they cackled girlishly a little over some hairbrained scheme, but they'll probably just grunt and scratch themselves. Not even Orko could screw up this cinch.

Who's got da powa? He-Man, man.

- Monkeydog
Seriously, I saw a monkey doing the grossest thing at the zoo the other day... I laughed so hard for 20 minutes... then I hurled.

Alright. Rather than do another typical crazed fan boy reply, I'm going to use cold hard facts and monkey math to find out the real victor, in a simple lesson even a trained chimp could understand.

Fact One: A full grown male gorilla is strong enough to toss a motorcycle twenty feet.

Fact Two: An average motorcycle weighs 350 pounds.

Fact Three: In his prime, the Beastmaster weighed 200 pounds.

Therefore, the motorcycle is 1.7 times as heavy as the Beastmaster, meaning the Beastmaster can be thrown 1.7 times farther than a motorcycle, for a total of 34 feet.

Fact Four:There are three gorillas pictured in the Grudgematch(TM)

This means that all three gorillas can throw the Beastmaster a total of one-hundred and two feet.(unless he makes contact with a rock or other solid object) That's a distance Mr. T dreams of. So there you have it. Planet of the Apes in a single toss...or I'm a monkey's uncle.

- Zombie Master

I would have to side with Brian on this one, Dar has been hardened into a beast controlling can of whoopass in harsh jungles while these pansy apes have been living in so called "advanced society" for a hell of a long time.

Now hotbranch, apes are beasts no matter the level of their advancement. And as for that thing about charging in on horses with guns, HORSES ARE BEASTS DUMBASS. As brian stated before Dar is a beastmaster, yes A beastmater, the last of his kind from a long line of beastmasters and i see no reason to think he can not summon their primal energies or even conjure them back from the dead while on the ape planet.

As for weapons, ever heard of guerilla tactics. Take Vietnam, Vietnamese rebels were armed with suck ass guns that were no match for the armies M16's and M4 carbines, however through guerilla tactics they were able to successfully slaughter our troops by the thousands each day. Then they took their weapons and became well armed guerilla commandos.

Dar also has a huge huge huge advantaged overlooked by both of you, HE GOT HIS OWN TV SHOW. Those damn apes have know chance against this sword wielding master of mayhem.

- Panda

Dar has ferrets and a sword. The Apes have guns. Dar can barely form a proper sentence. The Apes speak intelligently. The Apes will become the Dar Masters or, dare I say, the Master Beasts?

- The Rabid Aardvark

Planet of the apes  :   Monkeys with guns

The Beastmaster     :   Man with loincloth
You stand over there with a loincloth and I'll shoot at you. Guess what! You're dead!

- Scorpio

As usual both sides have missed the key issue: Ape Mentallity. The apes are not a united front because they are racially divided, Gorrilas are soldiers, Chimps are pacifists and orangotangs are the mullahs.

The orangotangs control the government, based on the military successes of both the Taliban and the Iranian army this is setting the apes up for a defeat that would astound even the French.

The chimps are the scientists but are pacifists, maybe that would explain the ape technology. They have guns but have wagons out of the 15th century and no artillery. Now if you ask any primate researcher if they would rather work with gorillas or chimps they will tell you gorillas because chimps get mean after puberty. So now they have a bunch of mean, sexually charged pacifists working against the common good,- just like Berkely. To make matters worse these are the ones who control the technology.

All Dar has to do control one ape, yell a racial slur and the apes will start a race riot that will make the Rodney King Riots look like a love in.

- Claymore

Simple Male Hormone Logic(TM)!

Total number of owned pornographic DVDs in personal library: 213
Total number of owned porns based after Planet of The Apes: 9
Total number of owned porns based after The Beastmaster: 0


Because mating outside your species is just plain wrong!

- SXS (I only collect them as a hobby so stop laughing)

Look at it this way. Aftewatching movies such as Star Wars, The Matrix, and Daredevil, I have found one thing in common with all the badguys; They are BALD!! Kingpin, Cypher, the dude from Reloaded, Vader, Palpatine, Darth Maul, I could go on and on! And badguys that AREN'T bald? Wigs and toupees. Now, Those Apes are LOADED with hair; they are damn hairy. This must mean they are the ultimate, pure good.

Then you apply the "Goodguys must win" rules. Though I don't believe in it myself, it plays a part hear. Beastmaster is good, but Planet of the Apes has more hair; therefore, the gooder do-gooder must win.

Or there's the fact that there's a fricken army of 1 billion apes.

- Woj

The entire extent of my knowledge of the "Apes" films consists of one scene, but it is a vital one because it is the first: the apes' discovery of the remnants of Mega-Maid and its three surviving Spaceball crew members. In this scene, a mounted pair of apes recognizes the villains and reacts not with aggression, but with resigned dismay. The "Apes" movies are set in the future, "Spaceballs" is set "a long time ago", and the Spaceballs clearly survived to successfully engage in empire-building, so I propose that this encounter was a pivotal moment in Ape history and the source of their societal wickedness. Pleasantly or otherwise, Pres. Skroob gained control of the Planet, and this province of the Spaceball Empire will have no trouble with some Tarzan wanna-be and his little zoo.

- Matt Bricker (and wasn't "Beastmaster" that furry guy who fought He-Man?)


Wait, you mean Planet of the apes was about monkeys?? I just thought they were French!!

Suddenly the name of that movie makes a lot more sense...

- ~Uh oh spagettio! ~

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Tarzan v. Aquaman
Ace Ventura v. Bigfoot
Crocodile Hunter v. Jurassic Park

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Next Match: Curses!
ETA: November 3rd, 2003

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