Captain's log, Stardate 2325.2. We have encountered a great deal of trouble after beaming down to a desert Class M world, known to the inhabitants as "Tatooine." We were graciously invited to the home of a jovial fellow named Jabba. Upon our arrival, we were ambushed by Jabba's agents and imprisoned in his dungeons. I fear he plans to use us for entertainment this evening. He has selected the strongest of us, Worf, to fight in unarmed combat against a fearful opponent. We have not yet seen the opponent, but know only his name, "Chewbacca", and his situation. It seems if Chewbacca wins, the life of his friend "Han Solo" is spared. Worf must win if we are to regain our freedom. Chewbacca must win if he is to save the life of his friend. We can only wait for the outcome.
What is Worf led by? While he occasionally shows anger, rage, etc., Worf is primarily led by an emotionless sense of duty. He will be fighting mainly to save his fellow crewmembers. Why this is noble, yes, his desire will fall well short of what is required to defeat the wookster. As the two competitors circle each other, sizing each other up, Worf is calculating the best possible approach. While he is busy evaluating the best strategy, Chewbacca steps up and literally knocks his head off.
(BTW, If this were Worf and the crew from TOS, Worf would undoubtedly win since Kirk would say f*** the Prime Directive (tm) and get everybody out of there. Picard's too much of a pansy to get involved.)
STEVE: That last point is definitely true. However, your earlier arguments show that you lack some basic insight into this duel. Let's start off with training. Worf practices his fighting daily in the Holodeck. Every day his skills are honed to that of an awesome fighting machine. What does Chewy do? He hangs out in strange alien bars with his buddy Han. When he's not doing that, he's sitting in a cockpit flying the Millenium Falcon. That's just not a healthy lifestyle! Although he is a big Wookie, under all that fur there is just a bunch of flab. Hans and Franz could do a whole show about him.
Another issue here is that Chewy just can't seem to do anything on his own. He always needs help from Han, Leia, or Luke. When was the last time he showed some initiative? He'll probably just mope around until the fight, and then Worf will come and easily defeat him. Worf in less than a minute.
BRIAN: I lack the basic insight into this duel??!! How is it then that the examples you give in favor of Worf actually work against him. Oooh, Worf trains in a holodeck. Big deal. The Holodeck (tm) may seem lifelike, but it's relevance to real violence is about as significant as that of Space Invaders (tm). And, yes, Chewie does hang around in bars alot...getting into fights! And winning! He's kicked alien ass all over this galaxy. A Klingon is nothing compared to some of the species he's come across. He's learned some dirty tricks in those bar room brawls, too.
And when he's "sitting around the cockpit" remember that he is also engaged in constant shoot outs due to their renegade lifestyle -- picking of galactic patrollers and Empirical TIE fighters (tm) will hone one's reflexes better than any holodeck. And, despite what you say, Chewie can handle it alone. Yes, he knows how to work on a team, but he can also be a one-wookie wrecking crew. Worf, on the other hand, is just a sycophant doing whatever Jean-Luc (tm) tells him. And, as I said before, Chewie HATES to lose. Chewbacca in one swipe.
STEVE: Gimme a break! How can you compare shooting down TIE fighters from a cockpit to hand-to-hand combat? I think you're stretching just a bit far on that one. In addition, holodeck training is far better than bar fighting. What takes more skill: A) Attacking a specially created opponent whose skill level is such that it pushes your limits, or B) knocking off some delirious drunk alien off a bar stool? I think the answer is obvious.
Finally, I'd like to point out an interesting similarity. Did you ever notice that both Worf and Chewbacca both wear those silver sashes? Coinicidence? I think not. There must be some intergalactic conspiracy going on! Either that or the K-Mart next to the movie studio had a sale on them.
Thanks to the many people (such as Gordon Buchan and Craig Silvey) who
suggested either this or a similar match-up.
According to our records, however, we came up with it a long, long time ago.
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Worf vs. Chewbacca, BABY! IT'S SHOWTIME! And talk about a mismatch. Worf is WAY out of his league. We're talkin' St. Leo's at Georgetown, Baby! I mean, Worf does great in-conference against other Klingons and holodeck projections. BUT NOBODY LOSES TO KLINGONS AND HOLODECK CHARACTERS! IT MEANS NOTHING! Let's look at the non-confs. He was beat up by a couple of Ferengi in The Last Outpost. He lost to GUINAN on the firing range. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! FERENGI?! GUINAN?! You gotta beat those guys for me, baby! We're talkin' CUPCAKE CITY!
Meanwhile, Chewie is dominating all over. I LOVE THIS GUY! He beats up everybody! He's ripping the arms off droids! He's throwing people out of Scout Walkers with ONE HAND! He beats up stormtroppers IN HANDCUFFS! If he wore clothes, he would be one of my diaper dandies, BABY! DIPSY-DOO, DUNK-A-ROO! BLOWOUT CITY! Worf's headin' for the basketball court in the sky!
NOTE: For the college basketball impaired, we offer this alternative conmentary from 13-time WCW world champion, Ric Flair:
TO BE THE MAN, YOU GOTTA BEAT THE MAN! AND CHEWBACCA *IS* THE MAN! *WHOOOOOOOOoooooooo!*
c/o Paul Golba
- Jeffrey Kolb, Hamilton College
[As Worf and Chewie circle each other, a flash of light bursts out] Q: In a bit of trouble, Microbrain? Worf: Q! I should've known you were responsible for this! Q: Why, Microbrain, I'm hurt. Here I am, allowing you the chance to explore those strange new worlds you're always blabbering about, giving you the chance to do what you Klingons so love doing, bashing another living being's brains out, and what thanks do I get? None. Picard (from sidelines): Q, I demand you stop this nonsense at once! Q: Not quite yet. I want to see the fight. (snaps fingers, and two men appear on either side of him) Steve: What the...? Brian: This can't be! Q: What cliched lines! Where are those snappy remarks and witty rejoinders I so love? Come now, I brought you two here for color commentary and I'm going to get it! [Steve and Brian look at each other nervously and launch into the commentary we've already heard.] Steve: So... Q, who do you think will win? Q: Oh, I don't know, that's so difficult. On one hand, Microbrain's diminished capacity and horrid table manners is, I suppose, made up for by a bit of physical strength. On the other hand, he put up with... (snicker) Luxwanna Troi. Not to mention the fact that he can't hit a Ferengi five feet away from him. He couldn't outshoot a BARTENDER, for pity's sake! And soon, he'll be shuttled off to a space station, where he'll be ordered around by living Jell-O. Pitiful, don't you think? [Worf, enraged by Q's insults and Brian calling him a "sycophant", gets... upset. Riker sees this.] Riker: Worf! (grabs Troi and gives her a deep passionate kiss) Worf: (enraged sounds that are vaguely recognizable as Klingon swear words that would make Kahless faint. He has the RAGE (tm). In spades.) [Worf immediately runs forward, grabs a surprised Chewie's head in his hands, and crushes it to a pulp.] Q: Ah, well, he really didn't DO much anyway, did he? No big loss. [snaps fingers, and Steve, Brian, and the Enterprise crew all vanish. Q looks down at Chewie's body.] Q: I suppose I should revive you. (snaps fingers, and Chewie is as good as new. Snaps again, and he and Han vanish.) Ah, well, back to business. (snaps fingers, and he becomes the spitting image of Yoda.) So much fun this is. Love gullible students, I do. Wonder do I when I should stop little joke. Ohhh... Not for long time. [Q vanishes, but for several minutes afterwards the chamber still echoes with his laughter...]
- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa (With Special Guest Star Corbin Bernsen as Q2/Obi-Wan Kenobi... :))
Everyone knows all good fights involve some amount of namecalling, alluding to sexual preferences, and so on. A well-made insult can be just a damaging as a crescent kick to the face. (I'm pretty sure Lex Luthor was making fun of Khan's chest implants all through that game of Stratego, for example.)
Now, consider both combatants abilities in this area. Worf, aside from having a large vocabulary of Klingon profanity, has got a lot to work with here. The number of jokes you could tell about Chewie's mom and dogs alone is startling.
Chewie, though, despite what I'm sure is a tremendous wit, can't relay his biting insults, because he can only speak Wookie, which Worf wouldn't know (since the Klingons don't watch Scooby-Doo). Of course, as luck would have it, Federation Standard Language and the Official Non-Disgusting Aliens Language of Star Wars are both exactly the same, and Chewie understands it well enough (Han: Get down here! She's hurt! Chewie: Rgh Ruuuuh! Han: Wait! Chewie: Rrorhkay!). More points for Worf, because while Chewie is just growling to him, he's letting some real snappy zingers fly.
Now, in this case, Chewie's lack of restraint is gonna hurt him. The Wookie is so easily-pissed _anything_ will anger him. This means that not only will Worf have the verbal advantage, he'll barely have to _use it_. (Worf: I heard you had an idea, but it died of lonliness! Chewie: Rrrrrrggggghhh! Worf: Oh, nice comeback! Chewie: Waaaaahhh!)
Taking all of this into account, I'd say Worf will have Chewie a gibbering mass in about thirty minutes. Of course, I still don't know why Jabba decided the "strongest on the Enterprise" is _Worf_, unless R2-D2 kicked Data's ass the week before...
- Jim Smith
Cut to the prison cell where the rest of the Trek crew are sitting. Suddenly, Deanna Troi (Counselor Cleavage) is startled by a very strong, very strange empathic presence, unlike any she has felt before. She calls out empathically to this strange being (Luke). The silent conversation goes something like this:
Troi: Who's that? Luke: I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight. Troi: My, what a big brain you must have. Luke: You know it, babe. What's going on here? Troi: The crew of the starship I arrived on is trapped here, and our chief of security is being forced to fight a big hairy thing for our lives. Luke: Don't worry babe, I've got everything under control. I'll save everyone, and then maybe you and I can get together... Troi: I thought you'd never ask.
Luke walks into the main hall, uses the force to whup Jabba's butt, and saves everyone. Troi is overcome with desire for Luke, and they end up spending a bunch of time together on the holodeck, if you know what I mean. Chewbacca and Worf play a game of Holochess, which is still going on today.
- Russ Arcuri
We've had people write in saying that aliens told them the result of the Grudge Match. We've had people write write in saying that the results could be fortold by "the nachos". But surely, this is the most insane person we've ever had respond. -B
Plus, I fall back to this old adage. How many of us have a Worf toy? A few. How many of us have a Chewbacca toy? All of us.
Also, Chewbacca has a cooler voice. Let me illustrate:WOOOORRWEER! (TRANSLATION:I'm kicking Worf's ass as we speak, thank you very much, kind sir.) He hangs out with Han...the MAN. Worf hands out with Jean-Luc. Ahem. (I need not say that Han would kick Jean-Luc's ass. I mean, Han is twice the man of even Kirk! Now wouldn't that be a grudge match? They could battle for the right to deflower some blue girl with nine arms!)
Chewie is also a lot smarter than Worf, whose main battle strategy seems to be to run towards the danger. Chewie put C-3PO together with his BARE HANDS. That implies a lot of dexterity as well as intelligence. Worf can barely manage the buttons on his console, and his martial arts consist of that silly elbow chop thing. He's at a disadvantage in experience, reach, strength, and fear.
Chewie will no doubt toy with Worf before disemboweling him like a Tauntuan on a snowy night.
- Douglas Hanke, University of Iowa
- Parental Unit #1
Oh yeah, I think I saw him fight a real-life enemy[TM] once or twice. He got beaten like a red-headed stepchild. That's right, he's gotten thrown around by pretty-boy android Data several times. On any occasion where the writers have stopped making Geordi spew big made-up words and let the scene degenerate into hand-to-hand combat, he almost always is the first one down. In fact, I seem to recall him being devolved into a super-savage proto-Klingon once and still getting pummeled by AARP spokesman and French weenie Jean-Luc Picard. In fact, every time we see klingons on the show they're getting their collective racial butt whooped by everyone from sacrificial security officers to Julian Bashir, prototypical arch-wimp.
Now, Chewbacca on the other hand. He's the one who drives the burnt-out, obsolete space hulk that still singlehandedly outmanuevered the entire Imperial fleet. He's been known to rip apart Storm Troopers by the score. As I recall, the only person in the three movies who singlehandedly took on a Wookie and won was Boba Fett (he wears several scalps of 'em as a bold fashion statement). Folks, if you need Boba Fett, the coolest being in the known universe, to take out one of these specimens, then the race of extraterrestrial red-shirted ensigns that are the Klingons don't stand a snowball's chance in hell. Looks like Mr. Worf will be relegated to doing Romulan camioes with good ol' Lt. Yar.
1) Chewie and Worf charge each other, a 'la a pair of sumo wrestlers, each one howling a battle cry in their native tounge; the resulting cacophny of grunts and growls can be heard as far as Mos Eisly.
2) They collide with a klang! They try to back away from each other, but find their nifty metal sashes have linked together (much like metal braces in the mouths of two lovers).
3) Worf, the shorter of the two, panics and begins to pummel at Chewie's sides. Chewie, on the other hand, reaches down nonchalantly, digs in his claws, and pops Worf's head from its shoulders.
The battle is over in less than a minute, and the victor (Chewie) is dropped into the Rancor pit.
Anyway, Worf is now performing Du-Kanafra, in order to prevent eternal disgrace for his family's name. This involves bashing his head on the wall, or in this case, sharp, jagged stone (this is a dungeon). His head gets all bloody from the first hit to his head, and he faints. Chewy, who has had quite a good laugh from all of this, simply walks up to an unconscious Worf and tears his head off. Han Solo is released, and Jabba has Picard stew that evening. It's very good.
- L. Wilkes
to put it simply, if chewbacca doesn't do it, i will.
Wookies are known for pulling arms out of sockets after all, and despite the infamous strength of the Klingon race, Worf has been considerably softened by the easy life. Even if weapons were allowed (I assume they're not) Chewbacca would still win. What good is a phaser set on a most-likely wimpy setting (going for the humane angle like a good Starfleet officer) against a Wookie who has done greater deeds, and is taller, and wields a crossbow?! Not to mention that Han is at stake, and we know that Chewie is indebted to Han for life (however long that is).
- Colin Ryono
Aside from the aforementioned Troi and Crusher dance antics, the rest of the crew will have already been assigned tasks by the Hutt. Riker, he's sliding that old trombone of his with Max Rebo and the band, while Data's serving drinks on the sail barge with a restraining bolt stuck on his forehead. Geordi's dead already- he made some comment about the metallurgy of Boba Fett's helmet and got shot through the visor. Captain Picard, cool headed and rational; realizes he'd make an excellent snobbish Imperial officer and is allowed to leave. Who doth remain to back the Klingon? Nobody. Maybe Data's cat spot- that's about it.
So we now have Worf, all alone save for the cat, moaning and wailing, preparing himself for ritual suicide or some other clever warrior-esque convention. Chewbacca, all 60 pounds of him (the rest is fur) will wax the floor of the Rancor pit with Worf's bony head. By the time Worf snaps out of his malaise (in noticing to the shapely fit of Troi's costume), a plurality of his limbs will be lying around the room.
Picture, if you will, this huge walking carpet laughing it up whilst checking out his new sash in the mirror. Chewie, from the start, knew he had this one locked up. It's not wise to upset a Wookie, regardless of how deep your voice is. (Oh yeah- you don't think that cat got away, do you? Jabba has a thing for post-fight snacks:-)
"In the end, there can be only Wookie"
- Frederick L. Swetland, IV
- Timothy Ritty, Washington University
The reason why is obscenely simple; KLINGONS HAVE THE BETTER NAME. Yes, the "Klingon" warriors, with cool Star-Trekkie weapons like the "Bat'leth" and stuff, will trounce the "Wookie." My god, Wookie...it rhymes with "cookie." Jeez.
- Michael Farahbakhshian
While the feirce hand to hand battle rages, Worf using his superior skill to offset the greater reach and physical strenth of the Wookie, a stalemate is reached for a time.
What will be the deciding factor? The onlookers, of course, the Humour factor is the key, the thing you have both overlooked is that the Star Wars movies were made with a greater sense of humour than the annoyingly pretentious Star Trek series. At the Crucial moment, when a tired Chewbacca has stumbled and the heartless Klingon is poised to strike the killing blow, hovering over the battered and bloodied Wookie, Princess leia will quickly open her shirt, revealing herself to Worf, who as a humaniod will be temporarily distracted, Chewbacca will then rip of his arm and beat him to death with it, messily ending Worfs' illustrious career.
(Or is that the Babe Factor(TM)?)
"You mean I get to hit him... But we didn't send a probe... I can really hit him... Troy doesn't get to do the pseudo mind reading gig... I can actually hit him... What about the Prime Directive and all those starfleet regulations... Your serious, we are going to settle this through violence, I get to hit him..."
At which point it is too late as it is settled through violence, namely Chewie knocking Worf's head off with one blow.
So let's look at it from this perspective: Chewbacca and Worf are both major players in their respective sci-fi franchises. Neither franchise has experienced a particularly high mortality rate among their stars:
STAR WARS Obi-Wan Kenobi: Killed by Vader, but didn't really die in spirit, as demonstrated by visits in later films. Anakin Skywalker and Yoda: Same as above. Biggs: Blown out of the Sky by Vader in Star Wars.
That's all I can think of, so basically one dead, and he was only kind of a major player.
STAR TREK Tasha Yar: Killed by a big black blob. Spock: Killed in Star Trek II, but brought back to life in III, so he doesn't really count. Kirk: Killed in VII by Soran.
So going by this information, we have to ask, which franchise is more willing to give up one of their big stars? A pretty obvious solution - Star Trek is willing to wax One HUGE star (Kirk) and one minor star (Yar) while Star Wars hesitantly surrenders only one very minor star (Biggs).
Using this data, I would have to go with Chewbacca, scoring a late tenth-round TKO.
- Jeff W.
We, the Wookie high council, are very angered at your flippant alteration of our race's name. We are a proud and noble people, and refering to any Wookie as "the wookster" is exceedingly insulting. Clan Chewbac has insisted that you be tortured to death in accordance with our laws. We will offer you a choice: fight Chewbacca in a Duel To The Pain to restore his wounded honor, or turn yourself over for execution. Expect a visit from our honor guard very soon.
- The Wookie High Council
My sincerest apologies to insulting you and all other Wooksters. In my attempt to relay that Wook-a-ramas were far superior to Klingons, I inadvertently called them such things as Wookereenies. BTW, is the phrase Wook-a-lam-a-ding-dong acceptable? (If I'm going out, I'm going out in style) -B
P.S. You misspelled "Wookiee" just like we did. - Eds.
1) An opponent literally covered with hair. Yes, it looks cool as all get out, but if there's one thing I know about hand to hand combat it's that lots of hair spells doom. Grab it, it hurts. Muss it up, you can't see to fight. Run around with no clothes because you think your hair provides adequate coverage, your opponent has a clear shot at the Family Jewels. Of course Chewie might be prepared for these problems, but Worf doesn't have to deal with them _at all_.
2) Biological redundancy. As pointed out in the TNG episode where Worf gets his back broken and surgically replced, Klingons have several "back-up" organs in case others fail to work. This means that if you give Worf a kidney punch, he'll be relatively all right. The same goes for several other organs including the brain. Translation: Worf can take more punishment.
3) Foreign objects. Yeah, it's dishonorable, but for the sake of his crewmates and when push comes to shove, Worf may start brandishing one of them nifty Klingon knives. Heck, maybe Chewbacca'll draw one from his sash first... if he has one there. See, Klingons conceal as many weapons as possible on their persons, and while Worf has a tighter uniform than the standrd Klingon fare, he's bound to have knives anywhere he can fit one. Now maybe there's a similar custom for Wookies but hey-- _he's not wearing any clothes_. Well, there's the sash, but Worf's got one of his own. Sorry, Han, but in this case pockets are gonna make the difference.
- Mike Smith - figures Star Wars fans can take satisfaction in knowing the Far Far Away Galaxy has better weaponry than the Milky Way of 2371.
Now if John Candy's Mawg from the Mel Brook's movie "Spaceballs" were participating in the fight, we'd know he would win, but only after injecting some sophomoric humor into the entire battle. Something like "Chewie, your shoe is untied..." and of course, Chewie, not even wearing shoes, would bend over to tie his shoe...and BLAM, right over the head with some heavy item, probably a serving tray from one of Jabba's appetizers, Daphne Zuniga's hair dryer, or C3POs leg.
End Result- Evil Smugglers/Bounty Hunters dead/fled, 2 security officers dead (hey, the Bounty Hunters aren't Stormtroopers- they hit occasionally). Also, Jabba's little pet and Wesley Crusher end up strangling each other to death (I'm assuming this is how the Star Trek guys ended up in the Star Wars universe in the first place- Wes "Son of Sam" Crusher is taking a break from Traveler school and decided to twist time n' reality when drunk.)
After hearing of Wesley's death, cast and crew of ST and SW teams meet in the Mos Eisley cantina to get stinking party drunk on the finest booze available on Tatoonie. Yahoo(tm)!
- Rob Kazmierczak
1)Worf trains all the red shirts. Red shirts always die. Worf must not be training them well. Worf must not be a good fighter, or they would be better trained.
2)Worf's uniform has a much higher wedgie potential than Chewie's stylish silver bandolier. This weakness may prove to be the downfall of Worf, especially if Chewie is trained in the dreaded Wookie 'butt clamp' manouever.
3)Second knock against Worf's uniform - its snug fit will restrict his ability to perform Fighter Hayabusa's fearsome Back Brain Kick, while Chewbacca is under no such restraint. This was the coolest move in Nintendo's Championship Wrestling, and will be equally useful in this melee.
4)The unknown 'x-factor' which may play an unforseen role in this fight is the funky ridge thingy on Worf's forehead. It is an enigma that bears further investigation that is far beyond my own capabilities.
Barring any bizarre emissions of cosmic radiation from Worf's skull ridge formation, Chewbacca wins.
- Michael D. Mearls, Dartmouth College
Oh sure, he's got the brawn, and maybe even the desire to win, but this is the being who couldn't figure out the old "let's pretend Chewie's our prisoner" routine, and who actually went for the bait left out by Ewoks. EWOKS. Worf, on the other hand, has proved be pretty darned cunning in the past, and has shown a remarkably proficiency in hand to hand fighting, whereas Chewbacca has never actually been seen killing anyone (he just seems to kind of push them over). Han's threat that Wookies "tend to pull people's arms out of their sockets" was likely just a bluff (the guy's a pirate and a smuggler ... he gets to lie every so often; it's in his union handbook). Plus Worf has all those swell redundant systems built in (plus a shiny new spine).
No, I'm afraid that while Chewbacca was puzzling over which end of the stick was the Good End and which was the Bad End, Worf, resplendant in his Ewok-fur slippers, would glide up silently behind him and snap his neck like a twig. Then he'd show the Jedi a few new tricks they could do with a sword.
O.K., you caught us. We're not as geekiee (sic) as you -Eds.
Worf, vastly overrated as a warrior (the schmuck never killed anything) once again proves himself to be a kinder gentler Klingon and puts his arm around Chewy and tells him that it'll all be allright and they'll find a way out of this where everybody wins,and the Prime Directive is preserved, just like every Star[TM] Trek[TM] ending. Chewbacca, already forgetting Han, the stupid Wookie, puts his head on Worf's shoulder and has a good cry. Picard smiles with satisfaction, Troi weeps and says she senses "Great feelings of Love!" Data is unable to say anything as he has been scrapped for parts by Jawas[TM] and sold for the next WWWF [TM] Gudge Match, Data v. R2-D2. Jabba, sick of this crap, orders the Rancor[TM] released. The great beast from Episode VI stomps in and masticates the pair, who have since started trading memories about their childhoods, with a gut-wrenching **CRUNCH[TM]** Allmighty Jabba chortles evilly and orders the crew of the Enterprise cast into the Sarlacc pit and Carbonite frozen Solo broken up into individual cubes for the cocktails. As princess Leia dances in front of him, Jabba reliezes that STAR WARS[TM] will always lord over Star Trek[TM] and has a good laugh.
"Remember, Evil will always triumph over Good because Good is dumb"
Chewbacca doesn't have a wuss-boy Norelco-Razor-no-it's-a-phaser-really to fall back on. When his bowcaster runs out of shots, he *has* to go hand-to-hand and rip the stormtrooper out of that armor, and bite his head off!
- Michael J. Suzio
Final Analyssis: Worf is Wookie food.
- Billy Jo JimBob C. Riley Jr.
- Drew "Leadpants" Hubbard
A brief check of the WWWF history shows that the Enterprise has been destroyed by the Death Star. This should forevermore banish anyone from the Star Trek (version 0) crew from ever doing battle on pages of the WWWF. As a side note, I mention that the red shirted ensigns were kicked around by the storm troopers just for good measure. The fact that the Enterprise was destroyed implies that the red shirted weenies can never again rear their pointy heads in the WWWF.
This gets us quickly to the crux of the issue. If Worf is defeated, Jabba will make a meal of the Star Trek (version 1) crew. This would be the end of Star Trek on the pages of the WWWF. We would only be left with the Star Wars cast of characters, modulo Darth Vader. This cannot be! We can't confine our imagination to the Empire vs the Rebel Alliance scenarios. Besides, we all know a good internet site must beat the dead Star Trek horse with a vengeance.
All who voted for Chewbacca are belatedly regretting the choice.
- Dr. Joe
This is when Worf decides that it's time to forget all the Federation rules, and take out this PetaQ jay' (I could translate, but this is a PG-rated site) like a Klingon. He reaches for one of the 14 concealed weapons on his person*, a small blade worn like a brass knuckle, and waits for the Wookie to make his move.
Now we have a more even match. Worf is at full readiness, and will use his superior training to satisfy his lust for real blood that has been so repressed all this time. Chewie still has the edge in sheer size and power, however, and gives his opponent a thourough workout. There are 2 ways the match can turn out from here:
1) the training works, and Worf, battered and bloodied, disembowels Chewbacca, who becomes Jabbas new shag rug.
2) Worf seems to be losing when Data, deciding that leaving the Enterprise in orbit without a command crew (and thus ripe for capture) would be a worse violation of the Prime Directive than killing some overgrown furball, busts his way out of his cell (which is just down the hall from the Rancor Pit and within easy earshot of the fight) to help Worf. Chewbacca dies within a minute, but Worf, who is really ticked off because he had his honor compromised by Datas intervention, proceeds to rip the androids head off while Data has his back turned.
Either way, Worf wins.
- Brian Blovett
*If you don't think that Worf would have 14 concealed weapons on him, I remember reading a TNG novel (I think it was "Strike Zone", but I'm really not sure) in which some Klingons come aboard, and their leader tells Picard that each of his men have at least 11 concealed weapons on them. Picard then immediately asks Worf, "Leiutenant, do you have 11 concealed weapons on you?" Worf replies "Most certainly not, sir.", and Picard is relieved for a moment before he asks, "Umm... How many concealed weapons do you have on you?", to which Worf replies "Fourteen."
-Chris Foster/Sherry Womack
the end.....or is it???
- Conrad Campbell
On the other hand almost everytime Chewie has picked up a blaster, or beer bottle or balled a fist or even snarled something mean, someone has died. Unless, if Pansy-boy starts feeling sorry for his poor freind Worf for getting him beat up that one time... maybe he could figure out how to remodulate the main deflector shield of the Enterprise to produce the 'Wookie-Be-Gone' tone that the Stormtroopers were tourturing Chewie with after Lando turned them over to Darth.... Hmmmm.... I might have to re-cast my vote. (Is that a new record for run-on sentences?)
- Lee Allison
Where should I begin.?..OK, lets recall any instance where Chewbacca was engaged in hand to hand combat with anything.
Example 1. The Trash Monster: A worthy opponent such as the Trash Monster, Chewbacca starts crying at the door. What would Worf do about the Trash Monster? He would likely eat it live because of its similarity to the Klingon delicacy "Gahh".
Example 2. The Ewoks: Chewbacca was actually captured by a bunch of snuggle(tm) bears. If Worf were on the forest moon of Endor, he would immediatly domesticate the Ewoks to be used as a food source for the Klingon Home world. Ewoks would be bred and slaughtered...
Example 3. Lando: Chewbacca applied his best death grip on Lando for a full 20 seconds before the Princess pryed him away, yet Lando is alive to play a significant role in the following movie. If Worf attacks Lando, he's history.
[Plus,] if Han has not kept Chewbacca properly groomed, then he will be completely useless in the fight. In fact, I suspect due to his captivity by Jabba, he has not been curry combed for quite some time. Chewbacca will be as blind as a sheep dog.
The only thing that might save Chewie, is that there is no honor in killing a giant teddy bear, especially one that is crying at the door. However, if Worf decides that Troi would fancy a warm fur coat, Chewie is history...
- David Mihelcic
Billy Dee would then proceed to Councelor Troi and they both would strut into the sunset and Billy Dee would mutter "Colt-45, works everytime." with Fab Five Freddy grinning to the left of him.
- Tim Getschow
- Steven R. Van Hook
- Potato Ears (tm)
Worf had to go on _Deep Space Nine_ because he couldn't get another job. Chewbacca is probably living in the lap of furry luxury in a palatial mansion somewhere, surrounded by hairy chicks in bikinis, and has Alf as a butler or something.
Chewie didn't learn galactic. The reasonable man adapts to the world around him. the unreasonable man expects the world to adapt to him."* Whereas Worf always tries to conform to Starfleet regulations, and generally be a sissy. Chewbacca is more of the Kirk "Fuck the Prime Directive" School of Philosophy. Chewie's like Shaft, except bigger and hairier. And better teeth.
Chewie don't care about his family honor. He cares about cracking skulls. Worf always tries to be a good father-figure to his son Alexander. I'm sure Chewie's got kids on lots of planets, and he'd deny everyone one. Worf is like a whiney accountant. Chewie is an intergalactic pimp. Anyways.
- Jack Dracula, Univeristy of Maryland
* - From _Pump Up The Volume." Had this contest been Chewbacca vs. Christian Slater**, I'd at least have to think twice about it.
** - Did I mention both Worf and Christian SLater were in Star Trek 6? Coincidence?
Furthermore, when a hole in space-time grows, *MORE* realities gain access to it. (Remember that episode of TNG where there were, like, a million Enterprises? My point exactly.)
So, the fight will be complicated by these factors. It goes like this:
As Chewbacca slams Worf upside the head, the Klingon goes flying into a very-surprised looking Lieutenant Apollo, having just entered the bar after the BattleStar Galactica entered orbit around Tatooine. Apollo, obviously confused, shoots wildly, and is stunned by Data. (Troi manages to get out "I'm sensing...hostility.") Daggit, being the cheap special effect that he is, communicates this info back to the Galactica. The Galactica opens fire on the Enterprise. (Naturally, this being the Star Trek ship, some of the consoles explode. Maybe the Enterprise-E won't be built with those consoles that have the ship's store of dynamite just below, huh?)
Meanwhile, Worf, now enraged, pulls out his curvy-Klingon-battle-thingy and slashes madly at Chewie, who leaps aside only to knock into Maximillian, fresh out of that crappy Black Hole movie. Chewie picks up Maximillian and tosses him at Worf. Worf ducks (barely), and Maximillian plows into some confused-looking cadets from The Last Starfighter. One manages to stay conscious, and radios to his home base where *ALL* the Starfighters are stored (in a fit of bad planning, I might add). The Starfighters zoom into the fight between the Galactica and the Enterprise, appearing behind the Galactica (which is taking quite the pounding, being so cheesy). The Enterprise, being commanded by Riker (who just *loves* a fight) shoots at one and blows it up, figuring that they just launched out of the Galactica. The Starfighters then attack the Enterprise. Of course, the three Star Destroyers stationed just outside the Tatooine system are now just arriving, and they shoot at *everything*.
However, one of the Star Destroyers is hamstrung, for Madmartigan, fresh from "Willow", has appeared on board the ship, at the same time that Conan appears in the other end. They start killing everyone in sight, because, after all, the toughest guys on those ships are Stormtroopers, goddamit.
Down in the bar, Chewie and Worf are laying mighty blows on one another when Picard gets the signal from Riker. The captain, realizing that he's missing a *bigger* chance to wimp out of a fight, beams up to the ship, along with everyone but Worf, too busy strangling Chewie.
Meanwhile, another three Star Destroyers have arrived, but they too have trouble: the Colonial Marines from "Aliens" beamed in one, and this time, their pulse-rifles were loaded. Of course, they wipe out the bad guys even *faster* (hey, they have guns, not swords).
Chewie kicks mightily between Worf's legs. Fortunately, Worf is wearing a cup, so it doesn't really hurt. Unfortunately, Chewie knows that a ponytail is easy to grab. He does so, and flips Worh, using only his ponytail.
Of course, by this time all hell has broken loose up in the stars. Nine Star Destroyers are actively attacking everything and everybody. (Another one isn't doing anything, as Madmartigan and Conan are involved in a duel to the death. The last one switched sides when the Marines figured out how the guns worked.) Swarms of TIE fighters are attacking as well. On the other side, we have the Enterprise-D, the Galactica (now having patched up their relations, kinda, although they *do* take the occasional potshot at one another), some StarFighters, lots of Babylon 5 ships (looking as stupid as always), some of those cruisers from Space: Above And Beyond, and that sucky escape pod that carried Superman to Earth. (It's not fighting. However, as Tatooine has *two* yellow suns, Superbaby is in *no* trouble even if the thing *does* blow up.)
By now, Worf and Chewie are breathing heavily. Both have taken it to the limit. Finally, Worf swings mightily with his fist. Chewie jumps back, raises his arm, and....BOOOM! Worf gets knocked back into the wall, where his shoulders slump, unconscious.
(Oh, and the crazed interstellar conflict was resolved when they realized that Wesley Crusher was the one responsible. So they killed him, and everything went back to normal.)
- Christopher Bird
Ahhh the Rancor(TM) now there is a scenario....Chewbacca and Worf are battling it out in hand-to-hand combat and the battle moved in front of Jabba(TM). Jabba getting so sick and bored of the fight that he just pushes the switch to sends Chewbacca and Worf sliding down to meet their doom. Worf looked around for someway to escape,but found the place sqeaky clean (the cage hadn't been cleaned for years and Jabba(TM) was getting annoyed by the foul odor and the rotten corpse). Suddenly, Worf felt a warm,smelly air on his back,but before he could turn around CHOMP!! One quick head move by the Rancor(TM) and chopped Worf's whole body in half.Next, the Rancor (TM) turned to Chewbacca and deja vu al over.
So in conclusion Chewbacca wins in less than a minute.
- Richard W
"Rohn ta ho, bah na ma toh tcha" --Jabba the Hutt
So, the love stricken Wook-meister sees the Klingon turncoat, and he decides to bestow on him some WOOKIE-LOVE(tm). He sprays in some WOMP-RAT NO MORE(tm) breath spray and puts the moves on Worf. Before the Worf-man knows what is going on, Chewie has taken him to a hotel, checked in under the false name of Bob Palpantine, and put on some mood-music. And, because this is a family web site, I will not elaborate on what happens next. All I know is that Chewie needed a few drinks in Worf before, but in the end, we all know how the story finishes. I say the Wookie in one night.
Picard: Number one, any plans?
Riker: What? Oh, sorry. I was watching the dancers.
Data: Captain, I can bend the bars of this cage, jump down the 5 meters, and steal the weapon held by that bounty hunter, and kill everything in the room except us in 10 microseconds.
Extra: I could jump down, break my leg, and take the blaster shot meant for Data, and die in 2 microseconds.
Barclay: (In a residual moment of brilliance) Captain, I can throw my communicator at a 1.25 degree angle in this direction, have it bounce off the bounty hunter's blaster, off the dancer's top, off that annoying thing living on the tub of lard, and lodge it in Jabba's brain, thus disabling the blaster, dropping the top, knocking the little thing out, and kiling Jabba instantly.
Meanwhile, in the other cage,
Solo: Anybody got a plan? I still can't see anything.
C3P0: Mr. Solo, I can translate all the foul comments everone out there is saying into any of six million forms of communication. Oh dear.
R2D2: bleep blurp deeeep chirp blop.
C3P0: He said he can shoot out electric sparks, cut through the bars in five minutes, get hit by a blaster shot and short out.
Lando: I know, we could sell Jabba out to the empire!
Leia: I'm not a committee!
Solo: Go chewie!
As you can see, Worf will have all kinds of help, while Chewie will be fighting on his own, waiting for Luke to rescue them, but Luke is stuck on Dagobah, since his crash landing has critically injured an annoying little green alien.
- Cory Davis
Enough speculation. Here are the facts: I cannot recall Worf ever, in any of the Worfisodes or other TNG episodes, ever personally just plain wreck house. I could have in fact missed some episode where he really engaged in grade-A kickass, but all I can recall is him shooting a couple of Borg once and mostly just complaining that as a child all the other Klingons got to do Klingon stuff while he had to stay in the Federation and learn to play violin or something. Now, he always was around to say what a real Klingon might do in a given sutation, or scare visitors and aliens with his forehead, or advise the Captain to fire photon torpedoes(as a wise friend once said "You've got them damn photon torpedoes, fire them damn photon torpedoes!"). But one of my first memories of TNG is of Worf getting roughed up by a Ferengi. Ok, so Quark can take Worf. I recall Lor smacking Worf across the Enterprise's Wonkavator and knocking him out cold. Indeed, most recently Worf almost got killed by the coat-check boy on some Klingon ship before his brother saved the day. And as for the Holo-fighting, the I believe Riker didn't have too much trouble with Worf's little Holo-program. In fact, Riker could probably give Chewie a little trouble with his tricky Aiki-bo-jitsu moves, and he's got that one punch that never fails to knock out whatever security guard he's having trouble with at the time(and I believe he used it successfully on both Klingons and Ferengi). So I think we can safely conclude that Worf, though we all admire him for who he is, is at best unproven as a fighter.
Now Chewie, we know he's got the skills - head crackin', arm tearin', bowcaster firin' skills. And he's got the rage-serious rage. Whenever he is captured, or even in a socially unfcomfortable situation, his hosts tend to prefer putting like fifteen guards on him and super strong handcuffs. Now, he is a bit of a softy, and wouldn't neccessarily want to fight Worf unless Worf was like endangering his friends or something. But for the sake of argument let's say he's ready to rumble. All I can say is: look out.
Chewie, 30 seconds.
- Dave C
Realising that neither one of them usually gets the girls or the glory, and tired of playing second fiddle to their respective leaders, they join Sy, steal the Millenium Falcon, and take off for a life of babes and wealth, all thanks to Mr. Sperling's intervention.
As they make the jump to light-speed Chewbacca slaps Worf on the back knocking him into the bulkhead and out cold, thus settling the question of who would have actually won the fight had it happened.
Meanwhile back on Tatooine...
Jaba, furious over loss of his contestants (and the complaints from his Pay-Per-View customers) decides to throw the ST:Next Gen crew into the Great Pit of Carkoon, while using Han Solo (frozen in Carbonite) as a back-scratcher.
The first crew member to be thrown from the skiff is Wesley Crusher, who promptly gives the creature indigestion, creating for the first time in known history "The Great Acid Geyser of Carkoon".
Durring the commotion, Riker manages to overpower the gaurd on the skiff as Data uses some of his own circuits and Geordie's VISOR to build a homming beacon, thus allowing the Enterprise-D to beam them aboard.
With Wesley finally gone, and without the Federation watching his every move, Picard makes Jaba an offer he can't refuse and finally puts the moves on Doctor Crusher, thus cutting himself and the Enterprise-D in on the smugling trade and relieving those nervous twitches he always seems to have.
Setting a course for Corescant, he decides to show the Emperor what a Galaxy Class starship can do to a planet and incidently places a bounty on the heads of Chewbacca and Worf.
Reason 1) Worf? A trained fighting machine? The guy who misses phaser shots at backwater planet terrorists on THE BRIDGE from 12 FEET AWAY? The guy who routinely gets his fur boned butt kicked by men, women, child mutants, and all other manner of alien creatures on a weekly basis. SH*T!!! He can even beat Whoopie Goldberg at a game of Virtua Cop (TM).
He apparently can execute fast recon against Napoleonic infantry only to practically DIVE into a spear wielded by some other kinda furball with the reflexes of a frozen Walt Disney (TM?). And ANYTIME someone gets possessed by some spirit or alien life force, the first thing they do is go out and kick Worf's ASS! He can't even beat up Riker who smokes cigars and often walks like a girl.
Routinely he get knocked out when his fellow crewmembers are depending on him. And what about those "lightning reflexes" when a slow moving plastic barrel filled with packing peanuts crushes his spine in a cargo bay? In fact the only fights worf EVER wins are those against holodeck dudes (which he simply programs to lose but "make it look good" and other Klingons, who as we see all the time, may look quite fearsome and smelly but suck at actual combat. Which by the way, brings me to an interesting point. How the hell do Klingons actually build ships. You figure the scientists and engineers, not to mention the blue collar assembly types, would be drinkin' brews an fightin' each other all the time in pitiful tests of klingonhood.
The only way Woof would even have a chance is if the loser did not in fact die, but was force to "satisfy" the needs of Lursa and Bator afterwards. A fate much worse than even beings kissed by your sister, with tongue.
Reason 2) I don't know where Chewbacca hails from but its gotta sound cooler than some dorky planet with a name like "Kling."
Reason 3) The Baccameister's got the cool theme song (see above).
Reason 4) Worf sounds like a guy that just sat down on a corn cobb the "hard way" but is trying to stay cool. OTOH, Chewys klingon-blood curdling scream is an amalagam of several hundred of the most ferocious beasts on the planet and sounds a lot like the sound a TIE Fighter makes just before it blasts some rookie into the memorial section of the Rebel Yearbook.
Reason 5) Chewy has the crossbow that shoots laser blasts. Gorp has an incredibly oversized shoe horn with pointy ends.
Reason 6) Woofie's in love with some 24th century granola peace and love chick with large you know whats and makes her living as a therapist! He will spend all his time wrestling with his anxiety, thinking about how pissed she'll be at catching him "fighting" again, and his mind will inevitable wander south to muse about what he ain't gonna be getting for a while. This will trigger memories the humiliation he has suffered from all the barbs and off color jokes made by fellow crewmen with internet access who downloaded nekkid pictures of his girlfriend. The short: he will be too distracted to see the killing blow coming until it is too late, and by that time, he will welcome death.
Chewtobacco, on the other paw, has chosen to forgo relationships in order to cultivate the James Dean / Ghengis Khan image that more suits his rebellious lifestyle. (He does however, have a cute French Poodle in every spaceport.)
Reason 7) While not himself a Jedi, Chewy has experienced the Force enough times to at least possess some unconscious control to be used in a pinch. At the start of the battle, Woof will feel an uncontrollable urge to pee, and that split second when he locks his knees, WHAMMO (tm?), a crossbow where the sun don't shine.
Reason 8) Klingons just don't care a whole damned lot about dying. Hell, they seem to like it. In fact, their lack of actual fighting ability could be seen as some sort of evolutionary "suicide mechanism."
LAST BUT NOT LEAST- As bad as an actor Worf is, he has a much better chance at getting another job than the voiceless, faceless chump stuffed into the Chewy suit. He loses this gig and his acting days are over. NO more Hollywood parties, no more cocaine, no more Heidi Fleiss hookers, and no more free runs at Drew Barrymore. Pretty serious motivations not to lose.
But the real losers, as usual, will be the fans. More specifically, the fans noses. Worf, Chewy, and Jabba in the same room. Ugggh. The Janitor will not have a good day.
Second, Worf is indestructable. He has all those redundant organs and bones (two livers, two hearts, a skull way thicker than it needs to be). Without a phaser, or an axe, Chewbacca won't even be able to dent him. Finally, there is the biggest issue: motivation. If Chewy wins, what does he get? A sloppy hug from Han. Great, that's certainly worth fighting for. If Worf wins he gets to sleep with Deanna. Who do you think wants to win more? Hell, for a night with Deanna, Chekov from TOS (TM) would have a reasonable chance to beat Chewbacca.
It'll be a good fight, but Worf will defeat Chewbacca in about 8 minutes.
- M. Lorenz
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