World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

October 1st, 2000:

We return you to KWWWF's extensive coverage of the 27th Olympiad in Sydney, and our crew of over 4000 reporters, some of which actually know their own names.

Frank: Well, Steve, the final day of the Olympic games has been a tight contest. In addition to their medal for "Recycling in the Cafeteria", Canada has also picked up a gold in the "Drunk and Disorderly" category, thanks to newcomer John Hnatyshyn.

Bill: That's right, Marv, after sixteen grueling days the world's greatest athletes have fought almost to the death to prove to the world they are the best.

James: Yes, Kyle, and in some cases even to the death. Remember Irina Karavaeva's last second crushing blow to Jennifer Parilla's head to take the gold in the Trampoline event?

Leonard: Truly...a memorable moment. Well, Geeves, we have only one event left here today and due to some horrible scheduling, the finals of the Best Dressed contest will be taking place during the closing ceremonies. It looks like they are starting now. We go live to Marc Hasselback who is down on the field.

Phil: Thanks, Carl. Here come the two contestants now: On the left, in a full length red dress, the international soap star, "Tootsie."

(loud applause)

And on the right, a slightly heavier woman, but still with grace and a style of her own, "Mrs. Doubtfire."

(loud applause)

Zack, you can tell the crowd is going wild down here and with good reason: at the completion of the closing ceremonies, Pricilla, Queen of the Desert, will make the final judgement and present the gold medal to one of these two contestants. Wait a minute, it looks like the two girls are having some kind of argument...

Tootsie: "Hey Shamu, that's my medal."

Mrs. Doubtfire: "Wanna bet? Take this you skinny little tramp..."

Tootsie: "Ow, that hurt. You shouldn't have done that, Lard-o, I'm wearin' heels! Hiii-yah!"

Melvin: Oh my god... It's a cat fight! It looks like the award will go to the last woman standing! I'm gonna move in for a closer look. Back to you Dan.

So, Joe, select the she-male who swats her supposed sister and secures the supreme symbol of sport's superiority.

Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams
Mrs. Doubtfire


Tootsie, Dustin Hoffman

The Commentary

JOE: I think I am going to have to go with Mrs. Doubtfire on this one, her size alone will give her the upper hand. Tootsie on the other hand is a little too slender to be kicking anyone's ass. Once Big "D" gets that little thing in a bear hug it's ALL over. This is sort of like William "The Refrigerator" Perry vs. Don Knotts. The sheer multitude of body weight will be enough to crush the poor little soap star.

Secondly, Mrs. Doubtfire is an English nanny. She is used to not taking any crap from 7 year old brats or anyone with the intelligence level thereof, by which I mean soap opera stars. Doubtfire will grab her competitor's wig, bend her over one knee, give her a spanking and send her to her room with no dinner. You know, if it wasn't for the fact that it's two guys in drag, this would be a good premise for a porno.

Lastly, Mrs. Doubtfire, as she proved in the movie, is very resilient. She even managed to set her tits on fire and the only thing that arose from that (hmmm... perhaps a bad choice of words there...) was a really bad pun about hot flashes. There is really only one word I can used to describe Mrs. D and that is "tough." Whereas, there is also only one word I can use to describe Tootsie and that is "indeepshit."

HOTBRANCH: You know, at first, this match was too close to call, but after reading your opening arguments, I can safely conclude that Tootsie is going to rout Doubtfire, much like Thinkmaster routed Boris Yeltsin in the gold medal drinking match.

The one and only thing that could have given this match to Doubtfire was chemical assistance. Robin Williams had a passing acquaintance with "the white lady" (much like Robert Downey Jr. had a "chance encounter") during the 80s. If he is competing in the Olympics, it's because his system has finally flushed the drugs and he is no longer the manic ball of energy that made Popeye such a success. Even if he decided to enhance his performance, he would lose the medal--Ben Johnson-style--after the drug test and Tootsie would still be the winner. Ipso facto, quid pro quo, da doo run run.

Tootsie, on the other hand, is clean and has had experience in Olympic disciplines before. Tootsie, in a former life, was the Marathon Man. Like most other WWWF staff, I need a nap after I fart, so I can admire the athleticism and stamina it takes to run a marathon. Tootsie has the shape of a fit and tone athlete. Mrs. Doubtfire is like a retired East German swimmer who spent her last Deutchmarks on bonbons and bratwurst; the only athlete she resembles is David "fatass" Wells of the Toronto Blue Jays.

JOE: With a 19-6 record, I wouldn't be too ashamed to be an athlete like Wells, and much like "fatass", as you so eloquently put it, Mrs. Doubtfire will conquer her opponent once again. Tootsie is definitely toned... but who cares? Whitney Houston is pretty toned, too, and she couldn't kick anyone's ass. Just like Whitney, Tootsie is going to need Kevin Costner to protect her.

Marathon running, I'm sorry to inform you, is not the test of a true athlete like you would have the audience believe. Sure, it keeps your body fat below .5% and people think you are a lunatic but it has nothing to do with fighting. After a title fight, how many boxers have ever said, "I trained for this by running 26 miles" ? None... they all practice by lifting weights and fighting other people. And what better place to learn to fight than say.. an African Jungle, the Vietnam War or even Hell itself, each of which Robin Williams has fought his way through. Where has Dustin Hoffman been, I ask you? California? I'm sorry HB!, but Tootsie is out of her element.

Finally, Robin has class and style. While Toosie was Dustin Hoffman's only foray into the world of the well-dressed, Robin has had several. From The Birdcage to a small part in To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, Robin seems to have it in his blood. The past running glories of Dustin Hoffman just can't compete with the now drug free, and physically fit Robin Williams. He went through Hell just two years ago, what has Dustin done lately? Joan of Arc's conscience? That'll sure keep you in shape...

HOTBRANCH: How the hell did you ever pass the last WWWF home pregnancy/drug test™ (now with absinthe flavor)? Arguments like yours are obviously the result of some potent steroid/estrogen/crank/bourbon cocktail. Lest you forget, this is a BEST DRESSED contest, not a "best hausfrau" contest. When have you ever seen a dumpy Miss Universe? Tootsie is the personification of slimness and glamour (AKA: Barbie factor™). Doubtfire is dumpy and the judges are sure to deduct major points for her skirt/cardigan outfit when this is clearly an evening gown event.

Furthermore, Doubtfire is English and bears a striking resemblance to Dame Edna, an Australian export. Export is Australian for "git yer arse off this here nation-continent". Just ask Men at Work and Crocodile Dundee. Doubtfire's only supporter in the stadium will be Sally Field, who will be beaten by the kangaroo in the next seat.

To hermetically seal your coffin, Joe, I'll remind you that Tootsie is a seasoned veteran of fighting. You think Ted Kramer didn't pick up a few tricks about fighting dirty when he divorced Meryl Streep? Then there's the RAGE™ that Willie Loman brings to this fight. If that wasn't enough, Sam Etic lowers the fatal Simpsons boom down on poor, outmatched Mrs. Doubtfire. After she's pronounced dead, we'll re-ignite her breasts and sweep the ashes under Marv Albert's rug.

Thanks to Jennifer Jumper, Mister Silverback, Mr. Potato Head & J.A.K.,
Jason Barnhill, and Michael Brzeski for suggesting this battle of the transvestites.
Jenn also wanted to plug her friend's web page.

The Results

Mrs. Doubtfire

Mrs. Doubtfire (712 - 73.5%)

bitch slaps


Tootsie (257 - 26.5%)

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Voter Comments


Tootsie or Mrs. Doubtfire... you know, there's a lonely middle-aged man in Dubuque, Iowa staring at his eighth Pabst Blue Ribbon of the night quietly eyeing the other two patrons in the bar and making the exact same decision for himself.

- Wubbie

This one was close, so I let the beergoggles decide. If I was drunk enough, which one would I want to have sex with first? Probably Tootsie after a keg, just to say I banged a soap star. Um, this is just wrong on so many levels.

- Budo

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Best Dressed Contest at the Olympics? Well, it still makes more sense than curling or ballroom dancing. And this particular competition is over the minute the swimsuit competition gets underway. Have you ever *seen* Robin Williams without a shirt on? The World Wildlife Fund keeps track of the status of his body hair. If it encroaches another 5%, Mr. Williams can be officially designated a wildlife preserve. He had to have a "no tights above the knee" clause inserted into his contract for Hook, a movie which starred somebody a hell of a lot smoother as Captain Hook. "Patch" Adams, indeed.

- 1/2 Nelson

Lets see, Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman both seem evenly matched at first. They've both won Oscars(tm), they've both lost Grudge Matches (as Mork and Rainman). But then again, they both starred in "Hook", portraying Williams as Peter Pan and Hoffman as Captain Hook. Since Williams beat him there, he can him here too. I wonder how many more people will use the "Hook" connection in their response.

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

Regrettably, I have not seen Tootsie, and I have not seen Mrs. Doubtfire for a good two years, and have since forgotten nearly everything. So I'm going to recollect to you the most recent memory I have concerning transvestitism: Attending a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at a film festival. I had seen Rocky Horror on TV once, never in theaters. It was good. Sure, it was no Citizen Kane but it could hold its own. However, someone once told that the ideal way to see the flick was to go with a group mentality at midnight. I knew what to expect; guys in garters, that sort of thing. Oh, if I only knew what to really expect.

I walked into the theater (dressed normally, thankyouverymuch). Oh, there were guys in garters, alright. But I saw Super Soakers and snub- nosed squirt guns. "Water guns?" I thought. "I don't remember hearing about water guns..." Who cared? Squirt guns couldn't be all that bad... It was at that point that I heard a shrill female voice scream behind me, "THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER INVENTED!" I rolled my eyes. This wasn't going to be fun. -- And that's when I was smacked in the neck with a piece of half-eaten toast. "Toast?!" I thought. "I don't remember ANYTHING about toast!" I threw it back, hoping I was hit with the non-eaten part.

The movie started. Screams. I couldn't hear anything -- it was unintelligible. When the wedding scene came up, rice was thrown everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I was hit directly in the face with rice. ...And there was a particular group of people who had memorized not-that-funny comments to spout in between every piece of dialogue. Not that you could hear what the people on screen in the first place. What a cesspool of stupidity! I wondered if anyone else in the entire theater knew that the great Charles Gray had passed away a few months ago. I became fed up left the theater shortly before Susan Sarandon started singing in the rain. ....Shortly before the ACTORS came into the theater. Wouldn't that be lovely to sit through? It was the most unpleasant experience in my life™.

Personally, while I'd love to be deciding this match of cross-gender dressing, you've reminded me of this horrible time which I had almost gotten over until you brought this up. Thus, because you are indirectly responsible for my re-corruption, Grudge Match Panel, I throw half-eaten toast at each of your necks... Feel the pain I do... Oh, wait, I better choose somebody anyway. I pick Tootsie; s/he could probably throw toast at Doubtfire in higher velocity.

- Charge Man - expert half-eaten toast thrower.

Hmmm, Tootsie would be associated, by name,with the tootsie roll.(tm)

Tootsie Rolls(TM, capital this time)are made of chocolate rubber.

"Rubber" sounds like "Flubber."

Robin Williams was in Flubber.


Never mind...

- Antidisestablishmentairianism

So, Hotbranch has chosen the age-old, 200-proof argument of The RAGE™, thinking that this will give Tootsie's avatar Willie Loman an advantage in this fight. Well, let's take a look at the WWWF Glossary for the definition, quoted here for your convenience:

The RAGE™: The anger, frustration, or thirst for revenge that distils itself into the pure, white-hot will to win. Much like the Eye of the Tiger™, except that it doesn't distract itself with #1 pop tunes but rather just gets down to business. The most sought-after commodity in any Grudge Match.

Now let's all remember how Willie Loman performed in Death of a Salesman from English class. Before the action in the play, he had been working up to committing suicide with a rubber tube and his car exhaust. He had alienated his wife Linda. He fought with his son Biff. And in the end, he commits suicide by crashing his car.

Now, who here still believes that Willie Loman had The RAGE™? Compare that to Mrs. Doubtfire, an immigrant from Russia and ex-taxi driver from the streets of New York. Whose bulging form hides multiple concealed weapons and body armour. Who has connections to the most powerful mafia in the world (my Muscovite friends equate it with an alternative to the "official" Russian government).

Be afraid, Australia. Be very, very afraid.

- The Nestbeschmutzer

Hmmm. I don't know too much about Tootsie, but I cast my vote for Mrs. Doubtfire for a couple of reasons. One, the "Aerosmith Factor". "Dude Looks like a Lady" in my opinion is the best damn theme song for a cross dresser ever made. I don't know what kind of soundtrack Tootsie would have to counter The Greatest Rock Band America Has Produced, but I'm pretty confident that the bad boys from Boston would prevail. Second, Mrs. Doubtfire features the man who would become James Bond getting hit in the back of the head with a fruit. Damn funny.

- Dak Barhopper-guy with email

I have to go with Mrs. Doubtfire. Simply put, Robin Williams is better than Dustin Hoffman. Hoffman SUCKS as evidenced in Rainman SUCKS, the movie where he plays a hero and that sucky Mariah Carey song was written for, you guessed it...ALL SUCK! The worst that Williams has done, let's see... Toys ranks up there, but it was made into a decent video game, plus he got some in the movie (Had LL Cool J in it too), you could include Dead Poets Society, but right from the start, he's got the students shredding their crappy books! Though I haven't seen it in a loooong time, this match is decided on Mentos coolness. Plus Williams has worked under drag situations before (The Birdcage). For a more even match, try Mrs. Doubtfire vs. Chi Chi Rodriguez from To Wong Foo.

- Pareeha, proud sponsor of the 2000 Men's Olympic Porn Stars (That's NO javelin!)

A.D.D. notices he has finally made it back to Grudge match.Trying to think of something funny to say.He comes up with the First-word-to- mind game.Tootise.Roll.Candy.Doubtfire.Robin Williams.Patch Adams.Funny. A.D.D. is confused.I say Tootise puts a pump to Mrs. Doubtfire's heart and then (rolls) on up for her (candy) gold medal while Doubtfire/(Robin Williams) dies as (Patch Adams) uses oars as "paddles" to be (funny)

- A.D.D. Annoyingly Deadly Dave(Who figures this AIN'T Makin' it)

I'm gonna have to put my money on Mrs.Doubtfire for this one for a number of reasons: 1. Mrs.Doubtfire was funny...Tootsie really sucked 2. Robin Williams is a much better actor Dustin Hoffman 3. In the movie Mrs.Doubtfire, there were many instances that Robin's secret could have been found out (Ex: the teeth falling into the glass) But Mrs.Doubtfire did not panic, instead he (os she in this case) improvised and pretended that her teeth had fallen out (by not showing his real teeth) Tootsie on the other hand would probably panic in this sort of situation 4. Anyone who would piss standing up while impersonating a woman gets my vote any time

- Dane "The New Prodigy"

This is an easy match. Technically, this is a two-part match, as given in the set-up. 1) The best dressed competition. Tootsie is short (under 5'6"... there are no runway models under 6') and has a huge nose. While the nose is a plus in a Vice Presidential candidate, it's a big minus in a fashion show. Meanwhile, assuming Ms. Doubtfire remembers to wax (or use those weird 'nads' things) she's got the edge with that 'zatfig' 50's beach model look. 2.) The closing cerimony brawl. Going back to #1, we know that Tootsie doesn't have the reach. Plus, Ms. Doubfire is built like the proverbial brick outhouse. I figure one punch, and Tootsie's bleeding from the schnoz, two and she's laid out cold. Of course, none of these 'women' stand a chance against any former member of "Monty Python's Flying Circus"... now those were men who knew house to dress.

- the doktor

Somewhere, Ed Wood is smiling.

- Vermin Boy

If this was a straight out slug match, I'd have to go with Mrs. Doubtfire. I mean, Williams already beat Hoffman in Hook. It'd be like the Holyfield/Lewis fight. (Everyone knows Lewis won the first and the only reason for the second fight was more money.) But since this is a best dressed, gotta go with the slim styles of Tootsie, which was oscar nominated by the way, as opposed to the frumpy fat old look of Mrs. Doubtfire.

- QMan

A catfight between two guys in drag, Kevin Costner, and flaming breasts - this match makes Dahmer vs. Lector look like the Fox Family Channel.

- Keith, Emperor of Penguins

Lets compare the two opponents... Robin Williams Strengths: Frickin Funny, Great at improv, Excessive Body Hair that cusions body shots. Weaknesses: Did you see Bicentennial Man, FLubber? Allies: Pierce Brosnan, Sam Neill in other words James Bond 007, and those damn dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. Dustin Hoffman Strengths: Quite Rage Weaknesses: He's older than the world Allies: Robert De Niro, Bruce Willis, Tom Cruise AKA Taxi Driver, Die Hard and Mission Impossible. Other Factors: Robin Williams makes a funny movie, I mean a real funny movie approximently ever decade or so, he is limber and good on his toes making him a crafty opponent, but Hoffmain is a idiot Savant and he could predict the unpredictable moves from Cousin It(I mean Robin WIlliams). Result: MRS DOUBTFIRE makes FATHERS DAY a horrible OUTBREAK of destruction that makes KRAMER VS KRAMER a pathetic affair as Dustin RAINS blood over the MAN.

- Canadian Highlander

Well, the olympics sure have gone to hell this year.... I can only whittle this one down to "whowouldjadoo" factoring. Pretending that they were both really female, I have to go with the younger Tootsie. Ms. D, after all, looks like a geriatric, and while Tootsie is still fairly fugly, she's at least trim. Double bag the bitch and off ya go.

- Tirdun

I've only seen Doubtfire, never Tootsie, but if Hotbranch! thinks (s)he should win, then I'm all for it.

- Virdilak, follower of Hotbranch!

Aside from the fact that Tootsie is about as formidable as Ross Perot, Mrs. Doubtfire is English- the Soccer-Hooliganry(tm) cannot be far behind.

- D@t@-Kun

In the Mrs. Doubtfire vs Tootsie match, there is an obvious unspoken rule that applies: neither of them can blow their cover as a woman. Taking into account Mutually Assured Destruction should one of them be de-wigged, the winner will be whoever can take out the most aggression in their feminine role. That would be Mrs. Doubtfire.

She got away with playing soccer against adolescent boys, fighting off a mugger, flirting with a bathing beauty, all without anyone thinking she wasn't just an eccentric old woman. When she dropped her hose, to reveal a leg that wasn't just merely hairy, but Robin Williams hairy, that bus driver was still hitting on her. Mrs. Doubtfire could body slam Tootie, cry, "Oh, Deary, I'm so sorry, but it seems that your bread-basket just wrapped itself around my elbow!" and no one would think she didn't mean it.

- Mike Leung

You guys seem to have overlooked one very glaring item surrounding these two....they have dueled to the death once before. Remember the movie "Hook", anyone? Consider the ultimate outcome of this pansified prequel to such a pitiful pittance between two poofters as this match. One vote for the Dork from Ork(tm).

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

Mrs. Doubtfire informed us she used to play soccer when she was younger; judging by her accent that suggests she probably played in England at some point then. That means she is no doubt very familiar with the methods of the English Soccer Hooligan, or possibly even capable of fighting them off (not like her looks would put THEM off (even if they got the costume off...)). Unless Dustin Hoffman channels biological weapons from Outbreak into the picture, it's safe to say Tootsie is going to get her butt handed to herself (or is that himself?).

- "Mad Dog" Mike

To tell the truth, I couldn't care less about this. The chances of this fight going down in the Grudge Match history is about the same as there being a Wink Martindale Jihad. So to combat this, I shall go with all the old standbys, starting with "Past Performances". As so eloquently put by the related matches (I'll be damned if I can ever figure out what Yelstin and Kennedy has to do with Marcos and Helmsly), Dustin Hoffman was Rainman, and Robin Williams was Mork. Niether of which has any relating to the fight besides the actors in them, so I'm guessing WWWF was loosing it. Both of them lost so they cancel out each other. There aren't any Star Trek or Mr T. connections availible, and Rage factor is just about a wash. The BABE factor discussion could only lead to an argument with the innereachings of go, which probably result with me clawing my eyes out of their sockets. The name factor comes between a "Doubt Fire" which either means she isn't flammable (right), or is unlikely to lose His/Her job. The Tootsie brings only to mind a chocolate candy which has used the same commercials for the past 50 years (SCREW YOU MR. OWL, YOU JUST ATE MY DAMN TOOTSIE POP, and "Whatever it is I think I see, becomes a tootsie roll to me, even the gun I'm pointing to my head.") The religion factor.....NEXT Screw this, I'm going to watch that one Nike commercial which by "Grudge Match Standards" is forced to be played every 60 seconds during the fight.

- Peanuts"It's been a bad week"Pat

As far as the Yeltsin/Marcos thing, both matches involve politics. Read a paper. - Eds.

Ah, how quickly they forget. Gentlemen, gentlemen, this contest has already taken place, in a delightful little Spielbergian romp entitled "Hook". And as the three of us who saw that movie again and again know, Williams did some major kicking of Hoffman's ass. Of course, Robbie has to give props to the giant croc, so this is how I see it goin down. Tootsie has poor Mrs. D in a chokehold while repeatedly whacking hir in the face. But Doubtfire quenches any doubts of hir fighting ability by leveraging tiny Tootsie up into a backbreaker. As Tootsie rolls on the floor, Mrs. Doubtfire drops a bodyslam right on hir solar plexus. "Come now deary. I know what will fix you right up. A nice long Tootsie Roll!" With that, Doubtfire punt kicks the twenty pound twinkle toes right into the regulation size pool. Unfortunately for Tootsie, this is Australia, land of the Croc. Tootsie is instantly turned into revenge of the sushi, and as Mrs. Doubtfire walks proudly forward to collect the gold, we here a very familiar voice shout out... CROIKEY!

- Dart Bader

Who on earth entered Mrs. Doubtfire into the Grudge Beauty Pageant? I'll presume fans of Tootsie's character on her soap entered her-- after all, soap stars have to be beautiful, and she steals hers. But Mrs. Doubtfire never tried to look beautiful, just female, and I hadn't noticed her peers finding her lovely. This fight is prob. the only way Doubtfire could get this title. It's still a bad idea. Tootsie has more fighting exp., I'll bet--she has to fight off advances from the actor playing the head doctor in her soap, and he's not dissimilar to Doubtfire in fundamental build. And what do they have to lose if the fight gets severe enough to reveal their true IDs? Tootsie would lose his/her job--an inconvenience, but so are those advances from guys (who he isn't attracted to), so he might be relieved. Mrs. Doubtfire would lose *all* access to her charges, who happen to be his own kids. If Mrs. Doubtfire can't incapacitate Tootsie quickly, she will get the radioactive lead medal, and Tootsie will get the gold.

- Artless Dodger

True, this can only be labeled as the unintentional drag-queen clash. It is true Dustin Hoffman can get a mighty bit temperment when his carrer is at stake, but we must consider logistics. Dustin is a short thin man with about as much brute strengh and evil intentions as Rowan Atkinson. He would cower in the shadow of Robin William stocky build. As Robin would crack a joke every 10 seconds, Dustin would realize his lack of discipline. Dustin is a fine actor who knows what he is doing, while robin is the comic relief, and bad things always happen to comic reliefs.

The match begins and Dustin hops out of the ring to enjoy a lemon toddy, while williams makes the crowd laugh with his appropriate witty one liners and impressions. Dustin comes back in a helluva rage, for the lemon toddy has turned on the wrath section of his brain. Hoffman climbs into the ring and seizes Williams by the throat just as he squeaks out the line "There's a fly in my soup." He falls hard and hoffman starts to pummel Williams. Williams, who would usually lose in a minute, has a plan and he calls upon james woods, who is sitting in the front row, to give him a doorstop. Williams snaps the six inch heel off Hoffmans platforms and he falls, and cannot get back up because his dress has cleverly been tied in a big knot by williams. Williams gives hoffman a low kick in order to get revenge. Hoffman gets a painful reminder that no matter how much he looks like a woman, he ain't. Williams make a tactless joke about chopped nuts and transvestites, and removes his fat old lady suit and lays it over hoffmans face who suffocates. Mrs. doubtfire remains the champion.

- David Moraes

Let us examine sure fire proof as to who should win this from a completely biased point of view. Allow me to bring forth the hard evidence. Break down the names and examine. Ms. Doubt-Fire. NEVER DOUBT FIRE. IT ALWAYS WINS. Now lets look at tootsie. Dear lord shes named after a kids candie, something small children eat up and spit out. What will DoubtFire do to her. To quote a legendary song for the ages, "Do the TOOTSIE ROLL!" My biased opinion, Ms. Doubtfire kills Tootsie without even catchin her fake boobs on fire.

- Billy Bob, The Crazed Chicken Horder

While relaxing in the Olympic Village after our Silver-medal performance in the Synchronized Caber Toss, Rambette and I agreed that the secret to this match is found in Six Degrees of Dustin Hoffman:

Dustin Hoffman to Jessica Lange to King Kong to SQUISH!!!!

Tootsie rolls to the Gold and classy as always, Kong assists by blowing out the Olympic Torch on his way out of the stadium.

- Mr. Silverback and Rambette- We can't believe we got beaten by the Chinese.

Mrs. Doubtfire was played by Robin Williams. Robin Willaims has starred in several high-profile Disney(TM) movies. Tootsie is played by Dustin Hoffman. Dustin Hoffman has not stared in any high-profile Disney(TM) movies. So basically, this is a fight between Disney(TM) and, well, nobody of any importance. Chalk up another victory for the Forces of Evil (TM). Oh, and Mrs. Boubtfire.

- The Animator

In the world of comedy, men find cross-dressers incredibly attractive. Since in most cases these cross-dressers are (for comedic effect) patently obvious, then we can only assume that guys would find a cross dresser who actually looks like a woman that much more alluring.

This being the case, Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire wouldn't need to risk breaking a nail in some absurd display of he/she catfighting, because each would have an army of drooling admirers - insipid slaves to the comedic law of Transvestodynamics (A man in a dress will always attract 10 times as many male admirers as the most beautiful actual woman in the room.) - ready and willing to fight on their behalf. Herein lies the rub. Being younger in appearance, somewhat more attractive, and a soap opera star, Tootsie will attract younger men, including an endless supply of brain dead, overmuscled little boy-toys hoping to break into show business by landing a part on a daytime soap.

Being, by all appearances, a horribly unattractive (wo)man in "her" sixties, Mrs. Doubtfire will attract retirees, alzheimers patients, and the odd pervert who used to masturbate while watching Aunt Bea on The Andy Griffith Show when he was a kid (and probably still does).

You do the math.

- Don "King" Milliken

I'm going to have to side with Mrs. Doubtfire on this one. The reason? Robin Williams. True, both Hoffman and Williams have been in some good films and some bombs ("Ishtar" for Hoffman, "What Dreams May Come" and "Being Human" for Williams), this contest will not be decided by acting ability. The deciding factor here is simple over-the-top zaniness. Even though Robin Williams has been drug-free for some years, he can still go crazy. Consider what happened at the last Oscar telecast. The producers had gotten him to sing "Blame Canada" from the "South Park" movie and they told him to change three words. What happened? Williams was his crazy old self and only changed one. Dustin Hoffman would not have done that. Heck, he wouldn't have even been asked to do anything in connection with "South Park" in the first place. He isn't zany enough.

Now a drag queen catfight is quite silly. Therefore, Williams will be in his element. Hoffman, on the other hand, spends most of his time as a serious, high-caliber actor and would be totally unprepared for the onslaught. He will simply run away from this conflict totally baffled. So, Robin Williams will win this one and send Dustin Hoffman running back to the safety of his house where he would polish his Oscars.

- The Demented Astronomer

Mrs. Doubtfire:*PUNCH* Toot-toot-Tootsie Goodbye*PUNCH* Toot-toot- Tootsie don't cry *PUNCH*
Tootsie:I Give UP!!You can have the stupid metal!
Mrs. Doubtfire:Stupid?!*Punch,Punch,Punch,WALLOP(!),WALLOP(!)Punch* Take it back!
Tootsie:Sorry,PLEASE STOP!!
Mrs. Doubtfire:OK.....*KICK,Punch,WALLOP(!)*For good measure.Thank you dear. Tootsie:Waz wong wth ma?!
Mrs. Douibtfire:A few broken teeth.OH.....I missed one *WALLOP!*

- Disturbed

Bah, mere tomfoolery! As anyone would know, more mass means that anything with that mass can absorb DAMAGE! Add in the mass factor and the Vast Amount of Foam Rubber(TM) worn by Robin Williams (Mrs. Doubtfire) and what do you come out with?(bad choice of words there...) Well-Nigh Invulnerability(TM)! It's not Mrs. Doubtfire fighting, it's The Tick!!!! Admittedly, my logic shows huge gaping holes, but we're just monkeys over here...

- The Secret Voice of the Monkey Underground (formerly I'm not an Alien)

Unless the judges are Chewbacca, King Kong, Gentle Ben, Rapunzel, and Grizzly Adams, Robin "Heapin' Helpin' o' Hair" Williams will NOT win any kind of beauty contest.

- Mark Wentz

Mrs. Doubtfire all the way. Didn't you guys see Hook? Not only did Robin Williams get the better of Dustin Hoffman, but any man who can pull off wearing tights like those in Pan's outfit deserves to win this medal.

- Juliebug

Good Lord <-- and those will be my ONLY words of explanation. You forget that these two "great" transies are only actors playing a a man who not only appears in drag but freeley admits he IS a transie, is English, AND won two emmies on HBO for "Dressed to Kill" would be included in such a match. My soap carving (I made it myself!) of Eddie Izzard is weeping blood for this gross oversight.

Also, HB! and the filler-of-the-week neglected to mention that these two have met before, in a little known movie "Hook" (I watched it for Julia Roberts w/fairy wings...why did you?). In this case there was a clear winner, so fisticuffs will NOT be a factor here because Tootsie will have her ham hocked. But, on this fantasic voyage there is the antihero known as Bob Hoskins, the ersatz Smee in the aforementioned travesty, "Hook". Bob Hoskins was in "Home Alone" with both the indestructable Mac Culkin and Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern was in City Slickers parts one and two (remember this). Aside from the neigh-worthless Billy Crystal alliance (unless singing and dancing counts, which would bring in "The Birdcage" but I'm just not willing to glorify Gene Hackman in drag), we have TWO Jack Palances, both as Curly and Curly's twin brother...BOTH of whom "shit bigger than Billy Crystal". Jack Palance is, in himself, the scariest human being to ever walk the planet -- you haven't HAD a nightmare until a bad dream contains Jack Palance. I think Jack Palance would beat God in a fistfight. One Jack Palance is a terror in itself...two is downright anarchy. Add an indestructable 9 year-old and there is a formidable, Cobra-like fighting force here. I have to link Robin Williams to Sgt. Slaughter...oh wait, Rocky will do. Ahh..."What Dreams May Come" was a bad acid trip away from heart-wrenching (the dog almost got me) we still have Talia Shire on the side of Mork. Thus, enter the "Italian Stallion" and Lando (Carl Weathers is all the lando I'll ever need). Also, in Mrs. Doubtfire there is the 007 factor, but through Sally Field in comes the man, Burt Reynolds himself. no description necessary until Dom DeLuise shows up. Am I forever plauged by Dom DeLuise??!! Quite a little testosterone fest for a drag competition no? Johnny Polyester wins.

- Akhamed -- hyphens are okay, but this time I use quotes and paranthesis too

The preceeding has been a public service announcement for the Please Check IMDB Before Playing the Six Degrees of Separation Card Foundation (PCIBPSDSCF). - Eds

I just voted for Tootsie because out of the two, she is the one that I could possibly mistake for a chick if I saw him/her at a bar. And so, is the one I would more probably wake up next two in my still-drunken stupor the next day, but that's another story.

- Adam B.

Ms. Doubtfire would obviously win in this "BEST DRESSED" match. While Tootsie is slender, he still doesn't pass for a female very well. And man, have you seen those huge Elton John-esque glasses Tootsie wears? Tootsie also wears that tight little dress. Which means there is a major problem with something poking out. Instead of explicitly explaining, I'll just refer to the end scene of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, where Ace shows everyone "Mr. Winky." Ms. Doubtfire is passable as an old woman, and does not cause a mass vomit party. Besides, as everyone knows, ultra-thin is out like the Jerry Curl. Peace out.

- JmanX, the X stands for "Grumpy if woken up before noon"

We, of the tootsie jihad (TINJ) declare that it is due to our efforts (we didnt do anything) she has the amount of votes that she does

- tootsiejidahofkathmandu (TINJ) and the nepali keta

i think that Mrs. Doubtfire will win. my reasons for this are simple: she has as much body mass as a Sheridan Tank(tm)! poor little Tootsie would be a stain on the floor and Doubtfire would walts away with the Gold Medal(tm). also, what Tootsie is wearing would restrict her movement so much that she wouldn't even be able to run away. Robin Williams/Doubtfire also has The RAGE(tm)! i mean, since he is still DMrs. Doubtfire, he obviously hasn't gotten his wife back, and thus would wipe up the floor with Tootsie's tootsie.

- benthegreat(tm)

Do you remember the promos for Mrs. Doubtfire? I sure do. And one phrase from it sticks in my mind like a fishhook wrapped in razor wire: "I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance 'til you drop, and get me and you a cup of coo-coo." Uggggghhhh I could go on for days analyzing that quote, and proving how each individual word cements Tootsie's victory, but that would take too much time, and it would cause me grave illness. Let me just say that, if your grandmother could hip-hop and bebop, and did it in public, you would kill her yourself, even if you loved her dearly with all your heart. It'd be a mercy killing. Let's get those Soccer Hooligans in there to get rid of him/her. Hip old granny... eeewww...

- My name is Kenny

Fact:Tootsie was the number 2 comedy of all time, beating the likes of Airplane(tm) Blazing Saddles(tm) and Dr. Strangelove(tm). Let me repeat that-Dr. Strangelove! Fact:Dustin Hoffmann's characters have a good mix of athleticism and brains, from the runner in Marathon Man(motto:Watch me kick a Nazi's ass) to the savant in Rain Man to the producer from Wag the Dog. Robin Williams has, what, the guy from Awakenings? Mork? No contest here. Anyone who can beat Dr. Strangelove and Airplane, count into a 6 deck game of Blackjack, beat a Nazi and fool the world into thinking a war has taken place can clearly beat someone who can...uh... Anyway, Tootise takes it.

- Bob

This could be a close one. First let's consider their strong points. Mrs. Doubtfire is big, powerful, and intelligent. It's not too easy to fool your ex. Tootsie is agile, quick, and small. She can dodge around Doubtfire and hit her behind the back. The battle ensues: Tootsie starts out with a right hook aimed at Doubtfire's temple, but Doubtfire ducks and grabs Tootsie's arm. She twists, throwing Tootsie to the ground. Tootsie recovers quickly and responds by throwing her high heels at Doubtfire's face. Momentarily blinded, Doubtfire is at the will of Tootsie's continuing battering. ALRIGHT, CUT TO THE CHASE! Luckily, this is a tag-team contest, so Doubtfire sprints to the edge, tagging a vintage Mr. T, her good friend, dressed in his legendary clothing. Tootsie tags her partner. Unfortunately, a mistake was made on Tootsie's roster, so she is partnered with Steve Urkel. Mr. T clobbers Urkel in a Olympic record time, ending with his famous remark,"I pity da fool!" Doubtfire accepts the gold medal.

- The Caped Escapee

I voted for Ms. Doubtfire and in true NBC Olympic fashion, my vote won't be broadcast to the public for another 18 hours.

- Capital J


It doesn't matter who wins.
Once the catfight reaches the "ripping off each other's clothes" point, we're all losers.

- Bookworm

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Dennis Rodman v. RuPaul
Men in Black v. Mork
Forrest Gump v. Rainman

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Next Match: Xenophobia
ETA: Monday, October 9th, 2000

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