World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

G2: Grudgement Day

The Scenario

The frigid wind of a late-December Chicago storm cut through the attending physician's coat as he entered the ER. Pregnant snowflakes followed him through the automatic doors. Tensions were running high in the ER. Everybody had been on edge since the HMO bought out County General and brought in another "battle tested" staff to the ER. They claimed it was for "efficiency," but everyone knew -- downsizing was in the air.

"You can just smell the fear," Dr. Green said to himself. "Something's gonna break, and since they're making ALL of us work the holidays, it's gonna be soon. I wonder who came up with the idea of 'most patients wins'?"

The bespectacled assistant from the "other" team suddenly exclaimed "Casualties incoming," as the paramedic radio system crackled to life. Nurse Hathaway, for the umpteenth time that week, exclaimed "How does he DO that?!" The radio's speaker desperately squawked, "County General, County General, we have multiple casualties. Some sort of Christmas massacre... a doll got loose... an entire neighbourhood attacked... multiple stab wounds, cardiac arrest, and broken plastic... many dead... THE HORROR! THE HORROR! ETA 27 minutes."

Mark's heart jumped, but at that moment, a scream and a cackle of laughter emanated from the doctor's lounge. Mark rushed to the door, and saw Doug recovering from a serious shock because his chair was hooked up to a defibrillator. As Doug made his way to across the room, he toppled Hawkeye's still, shouting "OK, that's it, you're dead!" Pierce simply said, "Bring it on, Bat-boy!"

The last vestiges of peace were instantly shattered as the M*A*S*H and ER crews paired off. BJ was about to salvage the still when Mark, finally pushed too far, grabbed a scalpel and screamed "No way, you moustachioed freak! Your ass is MINE!"

Thus began the battle for surgical supremacy; no holds barred, all medical equipment is available as weaponry. The surviving team keeps their job.

So, HotBranch!, will the enraged ERers eradicate the enemy or can the Korean crew kick Clooney's can (and MASH his team)?





The Commentary

HOTBRANCH: Without a doubt, the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital will easily eviscerate and exsanguinate Michael Crichton's cheap General Hospital ripoff. The entire staff of ER had better pray that Chicago Hope is open because they won't even be able to double as cadavers for medical students when this fight is over. M*A*S*H has won not once, but twice in the WWWF arena, and it is only natural to assume that they're going for the hat trick. This is a team that is used to battle conditions where gun wounds are common, while the ER weenies are always tut-tutting about the breakdown of society and the proliferation of guns. The M*A*S*H folks might have been opposed to the madness of war, but it didn't stop them from doing their job, often in conditions as filthy as George Clooney's movie career.

Looking at the individual characters, you have to figure that the smart money is being bet on the almost entirely male cast. M*A*S*H offers Hawkeye Pierce, a native of Maine, the meanest state in the US. There is also Maxwell Q. Klinger, the toughest Buckeye to ever wear a dress. Father Mulcahy is an Irish priest who boxes. The Irish are a great lot, but most sane people know to stay away from them when they've been drinking, and you have to know that Father Mulcahy has taken a few nips from Hawkeye and BJ's still. You also have the leadership and battle experience of Colonel Potter, who will have detected a weakness in the ER team's defences, allowing M*A*S*H to storm the ICU and convert the oxygen tanks into high-powered flame throwers.

Most importantly, you have Radar and his uncanny ability to predict events before they happen. The best ER can manage is a few quick calls to the Psychic Friends Network. Radar will help his friends by shouting out what their opponent is going to do next, allowing the M*A*S*Hers to use evasive maneuvers™. With the M*A*S*H team appointed lifetime positions by the HMO, Radar goes on to kick Dionne Warwick's ass and dominate the lucrative world of telephone fortune telling.

JEFF: My God HotBranch, I think YOU need a trip to the ER -- for an emergency rectal-craniectomy! I mean, come on! Alan Alda? Mr. Sensitive? Isn't he basically the Mayor of Pansy Town? (Bring the bigass forceps nurse, this skull is really wedged in tight!) Can't you just see Alan Alda as a teenager? The veritable poster child for every pimply-faced, pencil-necked senior that couldn't get a date to the prom? As for Maine being the toughest state in the nation; man, you have got to get out of Canada. Actually, maybe you should wander around New Jersey a bit. It may bash some reality into your fantasy world. If that doesn't work, take a trip to Texas or Alaska. I'm sure the locals will be more than happy to educate you.

But let's move on to BJ Wimpybutt. Remember the episode where they wheeled the emaciated Chinese soldier into the operating room? Remember how he had to struggle for five minutes with the malnourished, diminutive, and presumably wounded and sedated soldier? Remember how he only needed the help of three nurses to finally subdue him? Now Mark Greene may have lost to the gang-banger, but the banger jumped him from behind, and at least he lost in a man's fight. And speaking of fights, I have never seen Father Mulcahy get into one. Contrast that with Peter Benton, who has had two fights, two KOs, and has only needed to throw one punch! And I suppose it is standard practice for the US army to place the only the most tactically astute colonels in command of surgical hospitals.

Let's not forget the equipment available in a modern hospital. A M*A*S*H unit will have never seen half of this stuff. By the time Winchester has found the "on" switch to that laser scalpel, Carter will have cauterized all his major orifices shut (including his mouth, and there will be much rejoicing), and still have had time for a preemptive autopsy. ("I'm sorry Mrs. Winchester, we did everything we could, but he still pulled through.") And if Radar is as precognitive as you think he is, I'm sure he will be running like hell when he sees the fire hose enema Jerry is preparing. He'll be working the phones all right -- his new falsetto voice will be very popular in the adult teleslut industry.

Seriously HotBranch, why not admit defeat now and save the nation the pain of another leg of foolish commentary? Please, think of the children. Think of the children!

HOTBRANCH: OUCH! Will you quit playing doctor and get those damn salad tongs away from me? They aren't forceps! It is clear to me that you don't know your ass from your elbow because you obviously read my arguments with your navel.

First off, I never said Maine was tough, just MEAN. You want tough? Come spend a winter north of the 49th parallel (Edmonton, Montreal, Ottawa, Regina, or Winnipeg will do nicely), then we'll see what you're made of. Second off, you seem to have an encyclopedic knowledge of pimply-faced, pencil-necked seniors who couldn't score with a ten-cent hooker in a dime factory on prom night. Thirdly, BJ struggled with a KOREAN soldier, not Chinese. Korean soldiers are like Chinese dodge ball players: they are not like you and I, so BJ's control of the soldier was a formidable display of his strength. As for the modern medical equipment you spout on about, the M*A*S*H crew won't need it. They will kick ass the old fashioned way, using standard medical equipment that doesn't require a half hour to warm up (while making snappy remarks about not needing a laser scalpel in their day).

You are also naively overlooking the fact that the ER staff, with their pouty collagen lips, all consider themselves too beautiful to fight. Like Luke Perry, they will be too preoccupied protecting their faces (their valuable faces) as the M*A*S*H crew carve them up in preparation for their next feature: Inhumanities XIV, Modern Hospital Atrocities™. And speaking of side projects, ER is condemned to failure because of George Clooney. The man who was once a dead ringer for John Stamos has made a name for himself (and that name is MUD) with such monuments of entertainment as The Facts of Life, Return to Horror High, Return of the Killer Tomatoes, Baby Talk, From Dusk Till Dawn, and Batman and Robin. Obviously, the MTV Movie Awards don't have the same stature they once had. Suffice to say, Stephen Hawking would stand a better chance of running a four-minute mile than ER has against a US Army-trained medical team, used to a "chop shop" atmosphere that dealt with its problems in half the time it takes these wussy modern doctors.

JEFF: Let me make this perfectly clear: My not going to the prom had absolutely nothing to do with my being pimply-faced. And I appreciate your making a point for me! Mean is not the same as tough. I have a friend with a pretty mean wiener dog, but if he (the wiener dog, not my friend) went up against a Rottweiler (or a Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas), he would find out pretty quick that merely being mean just isn't sufficient for victory. Finally, it is true that Koreans (for the most part) are not the same as you or me. They are usually smaller and weaker. Also, if you have been following the news lately, you know that the NORTH Koreans are starving worse than the Chinese. Although I admit that for BJ controlling the starving, wounded, and sedated soldier was a formidable feat, the average girl scout would have no trouble.

And I cannot believe you were so foolish to bring up George Clooney's career when Alan Alda has made such hideous tripe as "The Four Seasons," and "Same Time Next Year." Man, at least Clooney was in some serious life-threatening situations. Whether he has had to avoid being eaten by a carnivorous alien tomato, being sucked dry by an evil demon-spawn, or being suffocated by having Tootie, Blair, or Mrs. Garrett sit on him, he has had all kinds of experience in avoiding death, undeath, and fates-worse-than-death (respectively). I suppose if the ER crew tries to infect Hawkeye with a hideous disease by having a once-yearly affair with him, Hawkeye will have the experience to see through that ploy. If, on the other hand, Clooney pulls a 20 Megawatt bat-electrocution-shock catheter from his handy bat-utility doctor's bag, Hawkeye will be at a complete loss. And don't think that Maverick's favorite weapons officer from "Top Gun" is going to let some pathetic feelgood doctor from "Providence" get the better of him. Can you say naval airstrike?

One last thought: It has been scientifically proven that collagen enhanced lips provide superior kinetic energy dispersion in subsonic impacts. If any punches are thrown in this fight, the lips of the ER crew will act as the boxing equivalent of emergency airbags, dissipating the effectiveness of the M*A*S*Hers puny attacks. And before I forget, The two previous M*A*S*H wins were using Colonel Blake (who was replaced by Potter), and the cast of the M*A*S*H movie. This team is as green as grass (the exception of Radar is noted, and laughed at). Same franchise, different team.

Thanks to Christian J Glick for suggesting this matchup.
Thanks also to the many people who suggested similar hospital hooliganism matches.

WWWF was saddened to hear of the passing of Larry Linville.
Linville was best known for his portrayal of the neurotic Major Frank Burns on TV's M*A*S*H.

For M*A*S*H links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

M*A*S*H (788 - 75.8%)


ER (252 - 24.2%)

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Voter Comments

Gold Grudgie


I will have to go with the M*A*S*H team on this one. Completely because of the little known time-travel ability that the M*A*S*H team has.

Fact (ok, pretty sure), the Korean conflict lasted about three years.

Fact (again, pretty sure), M*A*S*H had a total of 11 Christmas episodes.

In my opinion, this is a controlled Groundhog-Day effect. If the M*A*S*H team ran into any problems during their battle-royale (what a big battle is called in France), all they would have to do is repeat the battle and change what went wrong the previous time.

They could then repeat the battle again and again until they have a proper sequence of events that allow them to beat the ER team to a complete pulp.

- Weird Uncle Dave

Silver Grudgie

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

OK, if it comes down to fighting, than we just have to compare the two battlegrounds to see which team of surgeouns is more battle hardened...

One group works in a war zone, and prays for way out. They know that they can get killed at any moment due to gunfire. It is truly hell on earth.

The other group is the 4077th.

Ah, Chicago! It's like New York, but colder and less charming!

- Budo, a New Yorker whose happy not to live in Chicago.

Bronze Grudgie

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

ER loses because of Noah Wyle who, as we all know, is related to Wyle Coyote. That poor mutt lost more than Barry Horowitz. Being a loser is hereditary so M*A*S*H wins. There are no jobbers in the 4077.

- disco volante

Let's be honest here, folks.

The MASHers went through the US Army basic training program. Eight weeks of pure, unadultered, hardcore HELL! And let's not forget that they did it back in the Korean war period, when Drill Sergeants were fully expected to kick the daylights out of any lousy recruits.

And the cast of ER? Ha! Don't even try to tell me that George Clooney would last five minutes in an environment where he had to do pushups on demand.

"It's all in the conditioning!"

- Brent

Hmmmm... What crazy fight did you cook up now, guys? A military medical team of the golden oldie shows vs a present-day hit series. Who wins? Well, as Hotbranch says: M*A*S*H* is a current 2-0 champ. And it's a comedy show. What do comedy shows mean? Mayhem and disaster. And the ability to withstand severe punishment. Laurel and Hardy went off goofing around, and Hardy gets smacked more times than the French, yet he survived throughout the shootings (of both the cameras and the guns). The Three Stooges went about more wrecking sprees than Homer's daily intake of donuts. As for being the WWWF Ground Zero/Grudge Match Heroes, check this: Indy Jones now has a tally of 3-0 on the WWWF / CBUB websites. Now that's impressive. The TMNT have crushed first the MMPR then eradicated the Raptors to gain a 2-0 streak. My point is simply that M*A*S*H* will now earn a 3-0 win, given their wussy opponents. And that brings me to ER. Some of them are losers, pure and simple. Some are dorks(to wit:"Somebody call the doctor" "You are the doctor" "Oh"). And the best thing going for them? Yup, Batboy. Or should I say, Batpain-in-the-****ing-***, George Clooney. In the CBUB matchup, Clooney was the 4th among the 4 Batmen, which means that even West, the campy insult to the name of the Bat, could whup his ass. And as the '60's Batman is a "Golden Oldie" series, as is M*A*S*H*, M*A*S*H* can beat the crap out of Clooney and his whining bunch. I guess what I'm saying is that M*A*S*H* can't take any prisoners because the ER boys would have perished by the first blows. Heck, with that loser Clooney, they'll take themselves out.

- The Colonel

Jeff, I can't believe you would bring up Clooney as a plus! The minute he tries to use a Batgimmick(TM), Michael Keaton will show up and kick Clooney's ass for what he did to The Rat With Wing's franchise! Michael is thoroughly enraged by having to be Jack Frost so poor Clooney is obviously a nonfactor here.

Let's look at the 4077th prior wins, Colonel Klink which is in itself impressive when you include the Evil Nazi Bastard modifier (yeah he was a screw-up but he was still a Nazi in charge of a prison camp so he had to be at least a bit of a bad ass) and more importantly The Mean Machine aka The Prisoners from the Longest Yard. A group, mind you, that included JAWS from the James Bond movies! Not even Sean Connery himself could beat this dude but MASH did! Fear them for they can do what even THE Bond cannot!

- Ubiq

George Clooney is Seth Gecko.

What else do you need?

"Okay, doctor killers... let's kill some doctors."

- Wanderer

I was at first tempted to vote for ER, because David Ogden Stiers was on M*A*S*H. Years later he was in an episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" playing an alien who had to go home an kill himself because he was getting too old (suicide is painless, apparently) and by tradition, ANYTHING having to do with Star Trek on the WWWF is loser by default (unless Trek is fighting itself or it's some really lame matchup like against the ID4 aliens.

I voted for M*A*S*H 'cause anyone who spent eleven years fighting a two-year long war has got to have some serious kind of endurance.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight, "...and I can take or leave it if I please"

You guys have forgotten the major difference between medicine in the Korean War and medicine today. It isn't technology -- it's the "f***ing HMO bastard pieces of shit" (thank you, Ms. Hunt).

Insurance company interference is a fact of life for modern doctors. The ER team have by now been conditioned to submit forms in triplicate if they even want to look at all that cool equipment, quadruplicate if they actually want to turn it on, and dodecaplicate to use it on a patient. Add that to the delay of making sure each patient is covered and ensuring that the HMO will pay for each procedure they try, and you have to wonder how they'll manage to treat even one patient. (If you've ever been to a real hospital, you know the answer: they don't.)

The M*A*S*Hers, on the other hand, wouldn't know an insurance form if it came up out of the water and kicked them in the teeth, and are willing to ignore any rule if it means saving a patient's life. Even if the HMOs do get on their case ... well, Hawkeye and BJ are past masters at bamboozling authority figures. Any bean counter who tries to meddle in their work will find himself politely steered to a supply closet and locked in, or distracted by Klinger doing a Carmen Miranda number, or offered homebrew whiskey until he's so drunk he can't remember what a hospital is, much less how to calculate a deductible. Working with such unimpeded efficiency, the M*A*S*Hers will have no trouble grabbing an early lead and holding on to it all the way.

- Shem

George "ER" Clooney is dating this FRENCH Girl!!!!!!! Need I say more?

You can't even talk of a fight: M*A*S*H cuts the whole lot of ER's throats off while Georgie boy is just thinking of his "belle"

(Just said more for all these Idaho farmers who never saw a French woman in their life!)

- Champions du Monde!

Thinkmaster has fled French prosecutors... er, returned from France. He is diligently working on his report despite the fatwa ordered by French government officials, and should have it posted shortly. - Eds.

I must say, both sides have made compelling arguments on this one, but i absolutely had to go with M*A*S*H on this match, for two simple reasons, one being an ER-team weakness, and the other being a strength of the 4077th. First, M*A*S*H has the upper hand because of their use of archaic equipment. When a doctor goes berserk in a horror flick, what does he go for most often, the laser sclapel or that big, razor sharp, serrated, flesh-shearing blade? Seeing these huge, possibly rusty implements in the hands of men women and... um... Clinger with nothing to lose, the County General staff will be frozen in fear. ER's weakness lies in the loss of one of their team players, George Clooney. All of the arguments about his usefulness in this fight are null and void, because he's leaving the show! Seeing the slaughter about to begin, he will think, "What the hell am I fighting for? I'm leaving this show to try to drag out a half-dead movie career based soley (since i have little actual acting talent)on my looks. I can't afford to get cut up now!" He will then head calmly and quickly to the nearest emergency exit, leaving his ex-castmates outnumbered and undergunned.

- ~the Stranger

Vlad not happy.

Vlad sit down in lab, hoping to find laughs on internet. Vlad go to favorite site Grudge Match. Vlad chuckle. Vlad read last match results. Vlad not understand Bronze response. Guess Vlad had to be there.

(Why Vlad talk like Hulk? Vlad have no clue. Vlad no want syntax in response. Readers have to bear with Vlad, Vlad guess.)

Vlad read new match. Vlad think ER go up against Chicago Hope. Vlad hopeful, since Vlad read newspaper article about ER and Chicago Hope sending people into space. Vlad could have gone far with space angle. Vlad find MASH instead. Since Vlad never watch Chicago Hope, and only sometimes see ER, but ALWAYS see MASH reruns, Vlad changes vote to MASH.

Vlad find Hawkeye funny. Hawkeye not as funny as Groucho and Marx Brothers, but Vlad like. Vlad find ER sometimes boring. Vlad watch ER first season, now watch Traders instead. Traders much better, Vlad say.

- Vlad, Cro-magnon of Wonder

This is easy.

M*A*S*H is a team made up of varied lunatics.
ER is made up of variations on the same Michael Crichton character.

M*A*S*H characters show a wide range of emotions.
ER characters go from whiny, to loud and whiny, to loud and whiny and pissed.

- Mike O.

Okay, I admit it. I was too busy to send in a Chucky-Toy STory response, even with the additional week's time. I figured I'd catch the next topic. THEN, I was quadruply shamed when I saw that my deadline had been extended yet ANOTHER 48 hours. I see that this just isn't going to end until I conquer my inertia. And so, being properly roused to last-minute action, I hereby present you with my response....

Toy Story beats Chucky. Because there's more of them.

Please keep my Gold Medal at room temperature until I can come around to pick it up. Thanks!

- The King of Tonga

Your gold medal is being kept in the alcohol-free beer fridge at the Kwik-E-Mart, inertia-man... - Eds.

This bout has to be one of the most one-sided competitions in some time. The MASH medicos will prevail over the ER egotists. Here are some reasons why:

Resourcefulness: True, the ER docs have superior technology, but remember Scotty's wisdom from "Star Trek III": "The more complicated the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain." If there was a power outage and the backup generator was out, or if they ran out of painkilling drugs, or even if they needed something that was out of stock at the medical supply company, the ER docs would be SOL. On the other hand, the MASH team have faced those problems and were always able to improvise a working solution. This skill alone could carry the 4077th to victory!

Experience: Due to operating in the Korean War, the MASH surgeons have handled as many cases on the day of a battle as the ER docs might see in a whole month or two. Working on the wounded, one after another, for 36 to 48 hours straight was not an uncommon occurence. Then, there is the nature of the injuries they treat. Anyone who has seen "Saving Private Ryan" knows some of the horrific ways a human body can be mutilated by war. The MASH team dealt with that day in, day out. They didn't even have the luxury of being able to go home at the end of a day. As for the ER gang, they very seldom come across anything even approaching that level of severity. MASH has seen the worst.

- The Demented Astronomer

The ER world, while appearing to be remarkably like ours, is different in one crucial arena. While all sorts of peopel, from beautiful and young (Kirsten Dunst) to not beautiful and not young (Mickey Rooney) to flat-out repulsive and grotesque (Michael Rappaport) are allowed to become Er patients, only the pretty are allowed to be doctors at the ER. therefore, while all of the extant County General staff would remain healthy, everyone in the M*A*S*H cast who was not pretty would immmediately start suffering from some sort of Fast-Acting Airway Retraction (FAAR). This FAAR would quickly and efficiently close the bronchial tubes of all M*A*S*H members, except for Hawkeye Pierce and Hot Lips. (Parker Stevenson experiences troubled breathing, but the pathway does not close up all the way. On the other hand, the guy hwo played Radar is dead before he hits the floor.) With most every green-scrubbed doc either asphixiated or treating their war buddies, the County General staff is free to claim first prize.

- Jeff

I just have one thing to say: Chriton is a hack! Anything even remotely associated with him (like ER) can't be good.

And besides, I still remember the night when MASH went off the air, and I was only three years old. I don't even remember the night of the week ER comes on. That, in and of itself, says alot.

- HexxJo

MASH has that song "Suicide is Painless" while ER has some wussy instrumental piece. How can a mobile army hospital have that song for their theme and not be able to kick ER's ass? The sickos who WROTE that song could kick ER's ass.

- Never Got Into ER

I didn't vote for either of these mamby-pampy-piece-of-crap teams, just because when you combine M*A*S*H's drunkeness with ER's pompousness/arrogance, then only thing you get is sheer annhilation of both sides. The actual winner will be Radar's Teddy Bear, who was actually played by a young Snuggles, the Fabric Softner Bear. And if no one believes that Snuggles would survive the onslaught, remember that he is from Rhode Island, the "LIVE FREE OR DIE" state (where, incidentally, he is still wanted for that mauled campers incident back in '78).

- Three

FYI, "Live Free or Die" is New Hampshire's slogan. Our research indicates that Rhode Island's saying is "If the state's a rockin', don't come a knockin!" (of course, we could be mistaken) - Eds.

Think of all the relative terms for this match: ER, M*A*S*H, ICU, BJ, HQ, RADAR, CIA, AWOL, HMO, ETA, CO, KP, DOA. I haven't seen so many initials and acronyms since I last read the box scores in the sports page! It's befitting that this WWWF match be on the WWW and programmed in HTML.

Anyway, it would take a PHD with an IBM PC in SCUBA gear to wade through Jeff's and Hotbranch!'s BS. (All apologies to the PMRC and the FCC.) If JB and HB! are any indication, the entire WWWF should be investigated by the DEA, FBI, and, IMHO, the INS. This match's outcome couldn't be more obvious if it were choreographed by the WWF, WCW, NWO, and ECW combined!

First off, those Army people are probably too busy on R&R to keep up with CPR techniques, the latest medical advancements published in JAMA, and OSHA regulations. (NOW would have a field day with how PC those MD's weren't with the RN's and LPN's!) My guess is you could USPS (or even UPS) their fines to the local IHOP or TCBY. (They'll be the ones using the AARP discounts.) And you'd have better luck finding Milli Vanilli at CBGB's than finding the M*A*S*H crew at the ROTC or SEAL recruitment center. You couldn't find 'em there with a SWAT team!

OTOH, you can RSVP in the affirmative for a PSL in hell if you think I'm going to vote for a TV program owned by GE (via NBC). Also, how come the choppers in Korea were able to fly with simple radio navigation while a hospital in Illinois needs GPS? Because IDOT sucks! That's why! They have better roads in the USSR, for goodness sakes!

Even so, M*A*S*H 4077 has no chance against ER.

Really, the only decision is which band do we ask to do the theme song for this match: REM, ELO, or CCR. Mr. T, our personal VIP, would not be proud!

Now, before I depart for my AA meeting, would someone please PBR me, ASAP? (For some reason, they always vote down my BYOB policy idea.)

P.S. Oops! I think I was supposed to put a TM in there somewhere. Oh well, FYI.

- Mark "darn SOB" Wentz

William Shatner enters from the left: "Welcome back. What would you do if you entered a hospital emergency room, only to find the staff itself in the midst of a brawl? Watch with us as two men from Los Angeles, in town for an emergency services convention, call in some old friends and they all pitch in to save the day..."

 Dr. Ross, still twitching from the jolt of Capt. Pierce's Shock Chair (TM), is pummeling Hawkeye with a reflex hammer. Hawkeye, never a violent one, is cowering in a corner, screaming, "I'm a lover, not a fighter". But then the light goes on over Hawk's head: "Hey, a little help over here! Take a walk down that hallway, would you?" Doug turns to see the shapely back of a white nurse's uniform glide out of the room and down the hall. A lover in his own right, he follows, entranced. As he passes a corner, a bedpan swings down and CLANG Doug's off to dreamland. Father Mulcahy glances skyward, blesses himself, and then turns to the nurse: "Good work, Corporal." 'Nurse' Klinger and Father Mulcahy return to the battle.

 Back in the ER, BJ, Hawkeye, and Dr. Greene have mended their fences, and more importantly, the still, and are lamenting their receding hair lines while sitting propped against a wall. One by one, they fall gently asleep, removing themselves for consideration as doctors or as fighters.

 Radar, who has been standing agape at all this carnage, suddenly senses danger. He turns to see Dr. Kerry Weaver's cane whistling down in his direction. He instinctively brings up a forearm to shield himself, but before the cane can find its mark, it is stopped with a THWACK by a World War I era cavalry sword. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" growls Col. Potter. A duel ensues, at the end of which Dr. Weaver is neatly disarmed. But just as Col. Potter moves in for the kill, his ticker gives way and he falls to the floor. Acting on instinct, Kerry punches the nearest intercom button and barks, "Code Blue! Code Blue! Gimme a gurney, stat, to the ER! Gimme an IV push! Bag him and spark him! Move it move it move it!" Klinger and Father Mulcahy desperately help Kerry lift Col. Potter onto the arriving stretcher. As they hustle off, Kerry yells (to no one in particular), "I've got an elderly male, caucasian, with acute MI caused by overexertion and emotional distress. Medical history unknown. Gimme a crash cart in Room Three, and I need a blood type in case we have to crack him open!" Klinger interjects, "O, positive!" Kerry asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" Klinger answers, "O, positive, I'm positive!" They disappear into Examining Room Three.

 Now we turn to the two head nurses, Maj. "Hot Lips" Houlihan and Carol Hathaway. They are engaged in the mother of all catfights. As we join the action, Hathaway sneers, "All that pretty plastic surgery from those major burns you suffered is gonna go to waste, girl!" Hot Lips retorts, "I didn't say I suffered from major burns, you little twit, I said I suffered from Major Burns!" They claw and scratch away as their shredded uniforms fall, bit by bit, to the floor. They tumble and twist until they overturn a meal cart and get covered in Jell-o. They approach each other on hands and knees, face to face, sweat dripping down their heaving chests, wearing only the last remnants of their uniforms stuck on by Mixed Fruit Jell-o, ...OH GOD, OH...AW GEEZ. Let's move on before we get censored out to cable TV. Suffice to say they're not fighting any more.

 We continue with Doctors Carter and Benton are out by the ER entrance arguing as usual between themselves, "MOBILE Army Surgical Hospital!" "MEDICAL Army Surgical Hospital!" "MOBILE!" "MEDICAL!" Major Winchester is about to arbitrate when the entrance doors swing open, slamming all three against the walls, from which they slump to the floor.

 "What the hell? Johnny! In here!" Paramedics John Gage and Roy DeSoto burst into the ER to find not a person standing. Three doctors are down by the door, three more by a makeshift still, and another in the hallway. A boyish-looking Army Corporal is huddled in a corner clutching a teddy bear. Shouts of CLEAR are coming out of Examining Room Three, and grunts and groans are echoing from behind the nurses' station. Johnny grabs a nearby phone and dials. He calls out, "Yeah, this is Johnny and Roy. We're in a real mess down here at County General, in the ER. We've got a load of incoming patients from a mass-assault, and there's nobody here who's gonna be useful. They're all a bunch of brawling drunks! Five minutes? Great!" He slams the phone down and rejoins DeSoto in triaging the incoming patients into examining rooms, hallways, and any available closets.

 Doctors Carter, Benton, and Winchester all start groaning and moving around, but just as Benton sees the busloads of wounded and scrambles to his feet with a "Holy...", The ER doors fly open again, knocking all three out again. In rush Doctors Kelly Brackett, Joe Early, and Mike Morton and Emergency Nurse Dixie McCall. Dixie leans over the nurses' station and is horrified to find two nurses, one of which she once worked with back in a MASH unit in Korea. "Major HOULIHAN?" Margaret looks up and instantly recognizes, "Dixie? Oh my..." Dixie hands them two examining gowns. "Here. Put these on and get your slutty asses cleaned up. We've got incoming!" With that, Hot Lips and Hathaway scramble to their feet and scurry away to the washroom. Brackett, meanwhile, has cracked open some smelling salts and rudely awakened Benton, Carter, and Winchester. He locates Doug Ross and brings him around as well. Kerry Weaver bursts out of the Examining Room Three with Col. Potter close behind. She tries to get him to lay back down, but he dismisses her with a "Horse feathers!" and grabs Klinger and Father Mulcahy for help.

 William Shatner enters the scene and closes, "So, thanks to the quick thinking of two visiting paramedics, countless lives are saved, and - OH!" A hypodermic dart pierces his neck. His eyes roll back in his head, and he murmurs dreamily, "Kirk to Enterprise. One to beam up" just before he hits the deck. Behind him, on the floor, Hawkeye, BJ, and Mark Green clink martini glasses and send 'em down the hatch.

 Fade to Black.

- }:-p

A definite contender for ROTW, unfortunately it was too long. Big bonus points for remembering the early 70s show Emergency! Only one question: how'd they get from LA to Chicago so quick? - Eds.

The ER crew wins. Here is how it goes down.

While it is true that the MASH folks have the military might to cream the ER folks, it won't happen for one reason and one reason only.........Women!!!

Yes, Hawkeye and gang, incredibly horny from being limited to fantasies about Hot Lips will immeadiatly forget about the battle, and pursue the many fine looking women of ER, including nurse Hathaway, and that new babe played by Kellie Martin.

While they are distracted, the ER gang, With Jerry 'Kubiac' whatshisname, Mark 'Goose' Greene, Doug 'Batman' Ross, Peter 'Big Black Guy who looks like he can kick lots of ass' Benton, and Dr Carter (4 of 5 is not bad) will MASH the MASHers into the pavement.

Then they will heal them, then MASH them, then heal them. In the end, the ER folks will have treated all the patients, the MASH gang will have been the patients.

- Artman

I'll tell it to you the way it was told to me. Told to me by a tired, ragged young man, bleeding his last life's blood out onto the cold, cold streets of New York. He deserves that much....

"Jimmy!" he said to me. "Jimmy! Ya wouldn't believe it! I ain't seen nothin' like it since the Korea! They were everywhere Jimmy!"
"WHO was everywhere?" I asks him.
"The docs with the bright green shirts, Jimmy! The docs with the bright green shirts! We was just gettin' ready to celebrate BJ's Birthday like we do every year Jimmy! You know how we do!"
"Sure, sure" i says. "You an' all them fellas from the 4077. Every year, big guy!"
"Every damn year!" he says. "An' it weren't no differnt this year neither Jimmy! Not until them green-shirted fellas showed up! BJ was just gettin' ready ta cut the cake, when they come outta nowhere! One a the women, she just starts stabbin' people, left n' right! Like THIS n' THIS! She knifed Hot Lips and Radar right off the bat! 'Not enough insurance!' She screams! They didn't even know what hit 'em! And then this other fella, I heard somebody callin' him 'Ross', he screams 'Unneccessary operation! We won't cover it!' an' just sorta reaches in an' PULLS Klinger's heart right out! Like that guy in Indiana Jones, Jimmy! Just like that guy!"
"Mola Ram, kid." I says.
"Oh GOD Jimmy, it was horrible! Icouldn't even tell what was goin' on! Last thing I knew, the Colonel was firin' into 'em with both guns yellin' "You HMO bastards! Henry Potter ain't never gonna stand for yer corporation-controlled health care!" An' then I just ran, Jimmy! I ran an' ran an' didn't never look back! But I heard his screamin', Jimmy! I HEARD THE COLONEL SCREAMIN! OH GOD! *cough*...*the screamin'...*ack*..."
"It's ok, son" I says to him. "It's OK."
"You believe me, Jimmy, don't ya? I wouldnt make up somethin' like that!"
"Sure I do, kid! Sure I do."
"Ya gotta find the Father, Jimmy! Maybe he can stop 'em! Do it fer me Jimmy! Do it fer...*hack*...the Colonel. Auuugh."
"I will, Kid! Me an' the Father'll stop those bastards! You hear me kid!? We'll stop 'em!"

But he was already gone.

You gotta watch out for them green-shirted doctors. They're everywhere...

- Jimmy "Im up at 4:07 AM" James

Ok, ok. Let's make this short and sweet, no real elaboration needed for this one.

M*A*S*H vs ER, I think this one is a nobrainer. ER is sound we will be hearing as they get M*A*S*Hed into television oblivion by a far superior, yet understaffed and ill-equiped group of the finest (yet ugliest) group of doctors ever seen.

As a side note, I've had more nurses that looked like Klinger than I have that look like anyone on the ER Staff (I don't know their names I can't stomach the show).

- Dave, an avid reader of wwwfights. Though I rarely respond.

OK, how long did the Korean War last? Around 3 years. And how long was M*A*S*H* on the air? Around 11 years. Now this wasn't three years of the Korean War stretched out to 11 seasons, this was 11 years of the Korean War, with 11 Christmas Eves, 11 years of the characters' birthdays.

How is this possible? Occam's Razor says that the simplest solution is usually the best one, and the simplest solution here is that the M*A*S*H* folks have taken control of time and space through a device given to them by alien life forms from Alpha Centuri. (They also could have been from Vega, but Alpha Centuri's closer; hence Alpha Centuri.)

The M*A*S*H* folks must be pretty insane in the membrane to use their time-space device simply to extend the Korean War eight years. They could visit ancient Egypt, see living dodo birds, or go to when the Dukes of Hazzard was in prime time where it belongs. But they use it to drag out a war, so they could watch eighteen year olds bleed to death on their tables. Clearly, the M*A*S*H* guys are out of their noodle.

Out of their noodle + harnessed powers of time and space = easy win. But, since the M*A*S*H* guys are a few musical numbers short a Chicago Hope episode, the E.R. docs (and one nurse and one P.A.) are dispatched in a conventional manner. Instead, each one gets given a minor ailment and are thrown into the depths of time, where seven different medical experts from that time inadvertantly kill them.

- Kilgore Trout

I think you're overlooking the most obvious advantage here: the Acronym Effect(TM). M*A*S*H spells MASH, an very violent and dominating kind of word. What does ER spell? Er. Er, as in: "Er, excuse me, would you please stop beating me? If it's not too much trouble." That's right, as soon as these two forces meet on the field of battle, Team M*A*S*H will give a loud battle cry: "MASH THEM!" Meanwhile, those pansies from ER can only say, "Er?" Needless to say, this will inject the M*A*S*H team with Morale(TM), a key element in the body's production of Whup-Ass(TM). Those ER ninnies will never know what hit them.

- Chris N.

You guys are sucking on the ether if you think either of these groups are gonna fight. If there's one thing the MASH team has proven, it is that they can be placed in front-line life-or-death situations and never Ever pick up a weapon. Hawkeye and Hotlips will cower in a cave while Winchester thinks he hears classical music. And Rabar? Aw, geez.

The best bet you have of any bloodshed is 2nd-year attending Maggie, the lesbian gun-nut. Of course, since her presence on ER has been greatly reduced over the last two seasons, there's only maybe one chance in eight she'll be on call the day of the fight.

- Loss Leader

Things start out looking pretty bleak for the 4077th. Hawkeye won't throw a single punch ("I will heal their wounds, I will treat their wounds, I will bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds!"), Colonel Potter caught some fragments from the destroyed still and is on the phone with the Pentagon demanding a second Purple Heart, Charles is busy extolling his Winchester pride about being above petty violence, Father Mulcahy is on a plane to Ouijongbou to dig his boxing gloves out of the time capsule (accompanied by Margaret, who buried the thing in the first place), Radar can't help but notice how much better women look in 90s-style surgical scrubs than 50s-style, and Klinger falls early from a shot to the nose.

Then Peg Hunnicutt walks in, carrying daughter Erin. Erin surveys the scene, looks at George Clooney, points a chubby finger, and utters a single word which ends up winning the day for the 4077th:


The first time this happened, BJ read about it in a letter from Peg, and his resulting RAGETM caused him to punch Hawkeye's lights out, smash the still, and go on a spree of drinking and destruction with Klinger. And BJ liked Radar, who had been "Daddy" then. Seeing it happen here, in his presence, imbues him with the capacity for Taz-level destruction.

There ain't enough Bacta in the universe to heal up what's left of the ER crew after BJ gets done with them.

- Aero

I can't believe how completely ignored the female factor was in this battle. Let's face it, the ER females are _tough_! Forget the medical equipment, Weaver could take Mulcahy and Winchester alone, armed only with her cane. Hathaway has opened her own veins, so I have no doubt that she can open Margaret's for her.

And among the males... c'mon. Klinger vs. Jerry. I don't recall Klinger ever blowing up an ambulance with a grenade launcher, and he was the one in the war zone. Come to think of it, I can't recall a time when any MASH personel bothered to handle arms. What I can remember is their overbearing pacifism. On the other hand, Jerry is facinated with guns, Greene has packed heat in self-protection, and Benton is ready to give a smart mouth or incompetant surgeon a duly-earned smack at the drop of a hat. It's one thing to be tough enough to survive Korea behind the lines. It's quite another to survive downtown Chicago. If talking about how we should all love each other was a great way to win a fight, I'd be voting Alda all the way. On the other hand, since opening a can of Whoop-Ass seems to be more effective, I have to go with the staff of County General. By the time the UN surgeons realise that they're in way over their heads, their jeeps will have been stripped clean by the locals. When the going gets tough, BUG OUT!

- Don Macfarlane

As much as I like E.R., I had to go with M*A*S*H* on this one. Hell, let's face it: the only true fighter of the E.R. cast is Benton. Everyone else is out in 5 seconds. Clooney? Watch Batman & Robin. What a wuss. Greene? Remember Revenge of the Nerds? Carter? Please!! BRENDAN, hater of RAGE(tm) and my next victim, could take him out. I give it 30 seconds until it's over. And as for Brendan, my challenge still stands...

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee

You forgot one thing: These teams are made up mostly of Doctors, who swore to "do no harm". The Padre also is in a similar situation, as he's a priest ("Thou Shalt Not Kill."). As far as I know, this basically only leaves Radar, Klinger, Rizzo, and the cook able to fight on the M*A*S*H side, and no one on ER's side except the receptionists. Unless I missed someone.

- Captain Tuttle

M*A*S*H versus E.R.? Okay, here's how it goes...

The fight starts out evenly. It goes to a stalemate when, suddenly, all of Clooney's fans come out and kill the entire cast of M*A*S*H.

However, Clooney forgot one thing: The entire cast of M*A*S*H is immortal! After all, they've been in syndication for the past twenty years or so! E.R. is doomed!

Then Hawkeye unleashes his secret weapon: Angry Batman fans that are STILL pissed off about Batman and Robin. They form an angry mob and lynch Clooney. And thus, the world is safe from the wrath of...


Oh, they're saying I have to go now and take my medication... bye-bye!

*is drug off by men in white coats*

Vwee hee hee! Burn, baby, burn!

- Colonel Zippo Kanaza

The main point to remember here is the ER is a creation of Michael Crichton. We can therefore expect both medical staffs to spend very little time trying to kill each other as they struggle against the Very Deadly and Very Scientificly Explained Creatures (TM) that will be sent against them.

The first question is: who can survive the Andormeda Strain (TM)? Now remember, there are two ways to do this: you have to be drunk (so M*A*S*H is safe) or you have to scream a lot (so ER is safe.) I am incidently assuming ER has its theme music playing so that they will have to shout to be heard, otherwise they might foolishly quiet down. So far, no victory.

We can soon after expect the attack of the Acid Resistant Raptors. Being birdlike, their high metabolic rate will protect them from the Andromeda Strain. Generally speaking, a raptor would strike me as so much more fierce than any one who has taken an oath to "do no harm" that I would expect both hospitals to become Dino-Chow (TM), but in this case the raptors will not last long due to their defeat by the

Intelligent, Killing Apes. The question now becomes who is best suited to communicate with a simian life form. M*A*S*H is clearly taking the lead. However, I don't think they will win fast enough to prevent one more factor from being relevent.

The only way M*A*S*H and ER could ever have gotten into the same universe is through the strange power of the Sphere. Which means this match will e decided by who has the more frighteneing imagination. Now, one might think that being stationed in a war zone would immediately give M*A*S*H the edge here, but in fact ER has the one factor which leads the mind down unfathomably weird channels.

ER wins, due to sleep deprivation.

- Aren't you glad I haven't read Disclosure?

It all comes down to the Tale of the Tape, the Red Tape that is. Both teams have to deal with mounds of it. The difference comes in how the two teams deal with it. On ER the paperwork is a burden to be shouldered at best; The MASH team plays it like a violin. Radar, especially, is expert in massaging the paperwork to suit your situation and even turn it to an advantage. Manipulating the paperwork to work on your side is a rare skill and will give the 4077th the edge they need to MASH the ER crew.

- Hatter

ER is going to win the day. I can say this though haven't seen an entire episode of the medical soap-opera through to the probably saccharine ending. I've only seen 15 minutes of ER, and I know with dread certainty that M*A*S*H*, a show I have cherished and enjoyed on endless, lonely, gin-soaked weeknights when the weight of my utter failure as a human being weighs upon me in wee hours, is in over their heads. M*A*S*H* has always been there for me, like a warm and comforting friend, and now I must weep, for they are DOOMED.

At first blush, it appears the gang from the 4077 would have it all over the yuppified sunset-strip method-acting guttertrash: Klinger is a Dangerous Pervert(TM), his penchant for dressing in ladies apparel a clear and prescient indication of his fundamental, and possibly gut-wrenchingly violent, sociopathic nature. What is even more disturbing is that the support network of friends and co-workers -see nothing wrong- with a little genderbending on duty. This indicates that they are so shell shocked, they have become scarred and inured to human tragedy...they will, given the chance and the powertools, cheerily murder anyone who would dare throw their profound isolation from the rest of humanity into harsh relief.

ESPECIALLY Radar. When his psychotic break inevitably happens, the cost will be counted in terms of a double-digit bodybag tally.

Still, war-inspired violent dementia isn't enough to carry the day. They need planning and strategy, and the commanding officer, Colonel Potter, will be able to deliver. As a member of the upper-class southern white aristocracy of the '50s, he has -forgotten- more ways to put the screws to multicultural groups than even the most loyal republican could come up with today.

Still, it is all for naught. The fight will be over in a matter of moments, with much screaming, rending of flesh and breaking of bones, leaving Team ER the hardest trauma troupe around. How can I tell this from 15 measly minutes of insipid doctor drama? Simple. I saw who was part of the team in that brief span of time:


M*A*S*H* doesn't just face a cadre of whiney, self-obsessed doctors, they must take on the Mighty Kubiak. The -only- one who can defeat "The Kube" is Parker Lewis, and he ain't in the army. Picture Radar. Picture Kubiak's massive maw. Picture the groundsquirrel-like visage of Radar being swallowed whole. And -then- it starts to get ugly.

Kubiak, not only being an unstoppable physical powerhouse, not only has the ability to instill terror in his enemies with a mere glance, but also has the intellect of a Super Genius, as determined when the intrepid Parker bearded him in his own den. Kubiak has the brains, the brawn, and the sheer menacing presence to mash M*A*S*H*. The best we can hope for is that he uses Clooney to bludgeon Hot-Lips into oblivion, and neither of them sue.

- SoupIsGood Food

I do believe that in a M.A.S.H. episode Radar got taged be the golden bullet and still survived. Klinger wore a fur coat in 90 degree weather. Hotlips had to continually fight off Hawkeye Pierce and Hawkeye himself, dressed up as santa, was flown into the middle of a war zone to save the life of a soldier. Now with all that war and torture experience it is no wonder why Hotbranch has chosen to side with the 4077. Sure ER is situated in Chicago but Korea was a lot like the Chicago of the 30s and 40s re(see The Untouchables) I predict that M.A.S.H. will cut and cauterize the ER crew in minutes setting a new WWWF Ground Zero (Grudge Match) record edging out the "Enterprise vs the Death Star" match time

- When You're mASh you're mASh 4 Life

As the fight begins, Hawkeye, being the best thorasic surgeon in Korea, delivers a roundhouse blow to Clooney's breastbone, knocking him into ventricular fibrilation. BJ, meanwhile, fastens the first prototype of the vascular clamp he and Hawkeye designed to Green's happy sack, and Radar stomps the crud out of him as he writhes on the floor in pain.

Meanwhile, Margaret uses her bullwhip to flay Benton and Carter's flesh from their bones, and her boyfriend, Scully, and his platoon mates proceed to ravish Hathaway and the rest of the nurses. Charles dispatches Anspagh with a blow to the head using a Nebuchadnezzar of Dom Perigon '75 (dreadful year for champagne.) Potter and Sophie proceed to trample Jerry and the other orderlies to death.

To celebrate their victory, Hawkeye retires to a supply closet with Kelly Martin and a thermos full of martinis.

- Don Meyers

Dear Curators of WWWF Ground Zero:

We, the legal advisors of the Fox Television Network and all its subsidiary companies are shocked and appalled at your failure to include "L.A. Doctors" as a contestant in the current match, popularly referred to as "Medical Mayhem".

While we concur that MASH is a worthy inclusion based on the shows enduring popularity, we feel it grossly unfair to include ER based on nothing more than a few Emmy awards, while at the same time excluding "L.A. Doctors' The Fox Network's brand of vapid, cookie-cutter entertainment is the sort of pop-culture monstrosity that tends to succeed in Grudge Match environments. You would be hard pressed to find a show that you could mock as easily as "L.A. Doctors", and to be honest with you, we could use the publicity.

If you do not amend the current match, so as to include "L.A. Doctors" within thirty days, we shall sue on the grounds that your actions have hurt morale here at the Fox Network. As it stands, Rupert Murdoch spends all day weeping and hiding in his closet. If this letter fails to convince you to take action, than we suggest you tune into next week's show, in which there is a blackout, and one of our doctors must jury-rig a clock radio to function as a replacement pacemaker. It's ground-breaking material. So tune in, Wednesday nights, only on the Fox Network.

We have just been informed that "L.A. Doctors" has been cancelled. In it's place, please tune in to the all-new reality based shows, "When Limeys Attack", and "The Worlds Scariest Snuff Films". It's still better than anything CBS has to offer...

Sincerely yours,

Legal Counsel to the Fox Network
(AKA Bernie & Herschel)

- 1/2 Nelson

This would be the blow-out of the century. Considering the age of the *M*A*S*H players would easily meet or exceed 70 years at this time, there is an old maxim that states "old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill". Remember, due to advanced age, some of those *M*A*S*H boys will have some rather "advanced" health problems. I ask you, do you REALLY, REALLY want to tackle someone wearing a coelestomy bag?? (Please read the first sentence of this again) The ER group is a bunch of lily-button, tissy-friss, panty- waist, mamby-pamby girl scout wanna-be's that have to tie kerosine soaked rags around their ankles so ants won't crawl up their legs and eat their candy asses. *M*A*S*H wins due to ER forfit!!

- Blackcat27X

M.A.S.H. is gonna get smooshed. Get with the program. You think a rag-tag outfit of wacky screwballs from the Korean front is going to be able to contend with the postmodern blood-drenched melodrama that is E.R.?? You're deluding yourself.

M.A.S.H. is the Gilligan's Island of military medical dramas, (yeah. that's a genre). Do you really expect Alan Alda and the gang to take on an E.R. staff that wades KNEE-FREAKIN'-DEEP in bone marrow, cancerous tumors, grey matter, and sanguinous fluids every week?

My prognosis for M.A.S.H.: I'm afraid it doesn't look good,doctor. Before the two teams even start fighting, the paramedics will burst through the double doors with some three-year-old kid who's been knifed in the face thirteen times AND somehow swallowed a high-grade plutonium isotope (this kind of stuff ALWAYS happens in the E.R. emergency room). Radar will blow chunks immediately, vomit will splash over the tiled floors. The paramedics will bring other victims in: A guy with a glass door stuffed INSIDE his leg and ass; a woman who's head has exploded because of an extremely rare chronic skull tumor; 24 orphans who have been glued together by a rubbery asbestos-like compound that is now dissolving their skin...

The rest of the gang from M.A.S.H. will follow Radar's example, doubling over, spewing their breakfasts everywhere. "The special effects were never like this on OUR show!" B.J. Honeycutt will groan, right before splattering the walls with yesterday's rations. Soon the whole room will fill with a wave pool of nauseating upchuck.

The E.R. staff will yawn while they flip threw copies of NURSING MAGAZINE and drink juiceboxes from the lounge fridge waiting for the fight to start. Then they'll swim through vomit to clock in and save their patients' lives. They'll pump the isotope out of the kid's belly, extract the glass door from the guy's anal cavity, de-explode that lady's head and you use surgical lasers to free the orphans. After things die down, they'll go visit the M.A.S.H. kids who'll all be lying in hospital beds suffering from Acute Nausea, sipping on miniature cans of hospital ginger-ale to settle their stomachs. Dr. Green will give an order to have them all fitted with catheters, just to teach them a lesson.

The M.A.S.H. team will get fired and put into an old folks home where they'll suffer from improper care and all get bed-sores. This retirement home will be located in Texas, the meanest state in the nation.

- I.C. Sedablineman

What's the old adage, never get in a fight with an ugly guy because he has nothing to lose? Well, M*A*S*H is just chock-full of ugly people. They'll hook up all the defribrillators and melt the surgically enhanced ER squad. Then we'll see who still "MUST SEE" them.

- King of No Media

Oh, gee, isn't this a tough one? On one side, we have Army personnel, some of whom aren't too pacifist to use their sidearms, and one of whom would actually scare me. (Would you want to be around an armed Hot Lips at that time of the month?) On the other side, we have:

Adding to all this their depressed state following Michael Jordan's retirement, and they may just be begging the M*A*S*H gang to put them out of their misery.

- Call me Shane(Tourtellotte, in case you wondered)

Hello? Anybody home at WWWF central? I am *so* disappointed.

Anybody consider the fact that there is a M*A*S*H character with a gun fetish, an attitude, and a lot of severe emotional issues that leave her quite agressive, violent, and unstable[1]?

Clooney reminds Hot Lips of Donald, lead flies [2] from a pair of chromed, pearl-handled Desert Eagles [3], and the rest of these medical pansies get gouts of blood sprayed over their wussy faces, in classic M*A*S*H fashion. Those that have faces left.

Margaret becomes hysterical, and Hawkeye has to comfort her. This being TV in the Nineties, he ends up in her pants, and everyone is finally happy. Grudge over.

[1] I could evoke the Rage (TM) here, but I don't need to.

[2] Those of you who think guns don't qualify as hospital equipment need to reconsider the location.

[3] Professional medicos such as the M*A*S*H people will be abreast of the latest surgical [2] techniques, despite the blatherings of our commentators.

- martinl

The real reason that the ER team will win is this: expendable characters. How many characters have rotated through the cast, used for six episodes or so, and then disappeared, seemingly without a trace? How about that pediatric surgeon that Carter was shtupping until she decided to go to Pakistan? Or the surgical resident (Omar Epps) who got hit by the L? Or Dr. Morganstern? Or Dr. Lewis? (ok, they were longtime characters, but you get the drift) Maggie Doyle has just about been written out. The point is, with all this cannonfodder, the ER can't help but win. All those old, flabby MASH people will be looking for some of Hawkeye's booze and a couple of geritol before Drs. Green and Ross have to throw a single punch. Damn, guys, this one is a freakin' walk.

ER in 2 very special episodes.

- Squidboy of the Windy City

ER wins because M*A*S*H is a bunch of wimps in so many ways:

1) HOSTILE SITUATIONS: M*A*S*H is supposed to be part of the U.S. Army. They're soldiers. However, for an entire episode, the camp is held hostage by one, count 'em, one wounded sniper. Even with the lives of patients on the line, not a single person was willing to go out there and deal with the problem, which was probably a good idea considering they only had one gun. ER deals with more firepower before the first commercial break. The MASH crew will be pinned down indefinitely by a barrage of pencils and rubber bands as they cower in fear. ADVANTAGE: ER.

2) RATINGS: MASH is one of the highest rated shows of all time with the final episode garnishing the highest ratings ever. However, all they had for competition was two networks, PBS and the random UHF station. ER, on the other hand, remains one of the highest rated shows today despite five networks, hundreds of channels on cable and satellite dish, video tapes, PPV, DVD, DIVX, the Internet and computer games. Did MASH ever have to deal with the likes "Jerry Springer Uncensored" or 24 hour porno channels? I think not. Hawkeye and company have had it too easy in the great Nielson Wars and are prime candidates to be cancelled into oblivion (also known as UPN) by these upstarts. ADVANTAGE: ER.

3) MOTIVATION: Pretty much the entire ER cast needs the work (especially Mr. Clooney who seems to be trying to emulate the recent career of Kevin Costner). MASH spun off the quickly ended AfterMASH, which clearly shows that they are just mailing it in at this point. ADVANTAGE: ER.

4) THE PARKER LEWIS FACTOR: Parker Lewis Can't Lose(tm). However, the school bully Kubiac, despite having a vocabulary smaller than the average gorilla, could lift Parker off the ground with one hand while eating the food supply of Central America with the other. Apparently, he now works as an orderly in ER. I hope MASH has a lot of morphine. ADVANTAGE: ER.

5) TACTICS: The good Colonel is a veteran of World War I and has been trained in WWI tactics. First, he will order trench digging which will prove impossible on the tiled floor. Then, he will order a fixed scalpel charge with IV stands, only to have his force decimated by a chemical counterattack of Preparation-H and emptied bed pans. At that point, he will call in a paper airplane air strike and will be sedated for his own protection. ADVANTAGE: ER.

6) CHEATING: MASH is all about morality and goodness and thus cannot cheat. Dr. Ross has made a career of thumbing his nose at authority. Violating the Geneva Convention on biological warfare, he spikes the still with urine samples in a daring syringe raid. After ten minutes of detox and a bad case of the runs, Hawkeye and BJ surrender. ADVANTAGE: ER.

Need I say more?

- Paul G.

"LAPD's the most hated police force in the world. My own momma's ashamed of me. She tells everyone I'm a drug dealer".

With this much rage against LAPD in general and Harry Morgan in particular, MASH would stand no chance except for the fact that LAPD is not only the most hated but the toughest roughest police force in the world. ER needs a post-mortem, stat.

- Tristan "Rush Hour's Griffon Master" Pratt (and if you can figure out what that means, tell me)

We always assumed that "Pratt" was an onomatopoeia for a fart. Are we missing something? - Eds.

The Final Word


My granddaddy says "That Harry Morgan is one mean sonuvabitch."

- Trooper TK

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

M*A*S*H 4077th v. The Mean Machine
Colonel Blake v. Colonel Klink
Other TV-related matches

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Next match: Cigars and big mouths (and, no, it's not what you're thinking)...
ETA: Wednesday, January 27th.

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