World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

With his shirt torn, his pants muddied, and one shoe missing, Kramer streaks down the streets of New York City, but to no avail. The taxi's gone. And so was the San Diego Chicken suit he'd borrowed. If that suit didn't get to Yankee Stadium in the next 45 minutes, it wouldn't be there for the All-Star Game festivities, and George would never work in baseball again.

Fortunately, however, Kramer encounters yet another patented Seinfeldian quirk of fate: he finds himself standing in front of the garage for the taxi that just drove off with his suit. So he runs in to complain to the manager of the Sunshine Cab Company. Inside, he finds the dispatcher. "Hey, buddy. One of your cabs ran off with my chicken suit."

"Look, brillo head! I got enough screwballs working for me, I don't need any more coming in and whining about chicken suits! Now scram!"

Perhaps it was the 15 cafe lattes Kramer had that afternoon, perhaps it was the knowledge that Kramer wouldn't be able to find legal counsel if his life depended on it, but he decided to take matters into his own hands. Pulling down the caging of the office, Kramer grabs the dispatcher by the throat: "GIMME BACK MY CHICKEN!!"

Coming in from his dinner break, the Reverend Jim Ignatowski sees his best friend (or so he thinks), Louie DePalma, being beaten up. With an extra dose of energy and courage courtesy of a tray full of "upper" brownies, Iggy runs over to neutralize the threat.

So, Steve, which bad-haired oddball comes out on top?

Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld Jim Ignatowski aka Iggy, Taxi

Cosmo Kramer


Rev. Jim Ignatowski

The Commentary

STEVE: Is there really any question here? A doped-up drug addict against a pushy, tall, enraged, health-nut wierdo? I don't think so. Iggy will hit the floor so fast that he won't even have time to utter out a cry of pain. At least for Iggy the drugs will dull out the pain. Louie DePalma won't have that luxury. Mere bars in a cage won't stop Kramer from wringing his chubby neck in a vain effort to get the chicken suit back. Of course, by this time the suit has already found it's way into a pawn shop, where George's father has bought it, setting up yet another inevitable battle for the suit.

You see, Kramer is one with himself. He is always becoming in tune with his body, just like a Kung Fu master or a Tibetan Monk. He is a master of relaxation, health food, and meditation. Just look at all his past exploits: He had his hot tub, his bed of sand, regular massages, and all manner of dietary aids (such as the fresh fruit diet). The list goes on and on. Years of these activities have turned him into a dormant fighting machine which has just awakened. What does Iggy do? He sits around all day in a taxi garage, spouting out words of wisdom. He's probably so out of shape that he can't even bend the stiffened arms of his never-washed jean jacket.

Honestly, Brian, I haven't seen such a one-sided match in a long time.

BRIAN: Once again, Steve, your hyperboles fail to compensate for your warped vision. Kramer as a kung fu master? Kramer has taken karate, and was even tops in his class... against a bunch of eight year olds! And then Elaine showed up and beat him like he stole something from her. Clearly, Kramer is not the fighter you make him out to be.

And if eccentricity is a benefit, Iggy has him beat. Has Kramer been aboard a spaceship? Does Kramer have an entire wall of televisions? Did Kramer spend half a day watching a state congress debate in hopes that people from Delaware would be called Delaweenians? I fail to see how any of this will help Iggy win, but it can't hurt.

The reasons for Iggy's victory are almost too numerous to mention. There's his tremendous wealth. He can afford hand held missiles with the funds he has. And what of home court advantage? While Louie might get pummeled, do you think Alex and Tony would stand for some high-haired freak to beat up on their beloved Reverend? Plus, if Iggy ever loses, he can just hop in his DeLorean, go back to the start of the fight, and try again (just like every other Star Trek Next Generation episode). And let's not forget Kramer's short attention span. He's so easily distracted that even if he does start winning, he'll suddenly decide he HAS to have a Whatchamacallit (tm) from the vending machine despite having no change. By the time that sub-plot is finished, not only will he have lost the fight, but Mr. Costanza will have already given the chicken suit to Newman in exchange for some compromising photos that were accidentally dropped in the mail to the New York Times.

STEVE: I think you overestimate the home court advantage. First of all, Elaine and Alex are pacifists and wouldn't get involved. Bobby is a pretty-boy and wouldn't want to get his hair mussed up. Latka is busy working under a cab, and Vic Ferrari is nowhere to be seen. Louie will be hiding in his cage. Tony is really the only threat. Unfortunately, he's weak-minded and Alex & Elaine's influence will keep him from getting involved. Iggy is on his own this time.

Iggy may be rich, but if you were to ask him for some money, chances are he wouldn't even have any. He just spends it on drugs too fast, and never has any on him. His marijuana influenced mind is incapable of actually planning anything in advance, therefore he could never get your proposed hand-held missiles. Get real.

And by now, Newman, the inept postman, has accidentally swapped two similar-looking packages. He is now the proud owner of a box of cab spare parts. And of course, the chicken suit has been delivered to none other than the Sunshine Cab Co.

BRIAN: Well, Steve, last time we saw Iggy he was handing out $1,000 to his co-workers. So not only is he still rich, but he's not stingy with his money. Seems to me that if Kramer ever gets the best of him, Iggy won't hesitate to offer 10 grand for somebody to take him out. The ever greedy Louie and the "weak-minded" Tony would be on Kramer like gum on a cab seat.

Of course, Kramer would never get the best of him. Are we forgetting Jim's psychic powers? He'll know what move Kramer's going to try before Kramer does, and will be able to defend himself and counter accordingly. And what of Jim's cat-like reflexes, honed from 3,764 consecutive hours of Pac-Man (tm)? And while one could argue that Kramer is an accident waiting to happen, Jim's an even bigger danger. He stayed at Louie's apartment that one time and in a matter of hours had completely torched the place! Even if Kramer doesn't fight him he'll be lucky to get out alive.

In the aftermath, as Kramer is being taken away on a stretcher, an old lady (Elaine's great aunt, who she was supposed to pick up but couldn't because the guy she was dating had this "thing" on his back and she had to take him to the doctor right then) starts slooooowly crossing the street. Jerry's cab, on the way to the game, swerves to miss her, goes onto the sidewalk, knocks a box out of a mailman's hands and into Kramer's lap, and then hits Kramer's stretcher, sending it rolling down the street. He doesn't stop until he rolls into Yankee Stadium and crashes into a wall, sending the contents of the box flying. George (who by an amazing coincidence was standing right there) grabs the chicken suit and takes it to the locker room, just in the nick of time.

And in the confusion, no one notices the two cans of shaving cream lying under the hot dog stand...

Thanks to Matt Lynch at Penn State University for suggesting this match.

For Seinfeld and Taxi links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Kramer (846)


Rev. Jim (558)

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Voter Comments


JERRY: Hey, Kramer. Do you want to go to a movie with us?
KRAMER: No chance. I've got Bible study tonight.
JERRY: Bible study? When did you become a Bible person?
ELAINE: I hate Bible people. They're always so....bibley.
JERRY: Oh, c'mon, Kramer. We're just tryin to cheer up George since he lost his job and everything.
ELAINE: How'd you lose your job this time? Put the wrong rubber thing on the pitching dirt?
JERRY: Rubber thing on the pitching dirt?
GEORGE: Kramer got me axed!
KRAMER: Hey, I couldn't help it! The cabbie drove off too soon!
ELAINE: Sorry, Jerry, I don't know anything about baseball. It's not like it's a real sport.
GEORGE: Well, you could have tried hardah!
JERRY: Not a real sport? It's the national sport!
KRAMER: I tried as hard as I could. I had that short guy by the collar and the Reverend Jim called me. And ZOWIE!!! I'm in Bible study.
GEORGE: Bible study. HA!
JERRY: What exactly did the Reverend Jim do to convert you?
KRAMER: Well, he talked to me.
ELAINE: Talked to you? Kramer, you never listen to anyone.
JERRY: What did he say?
KRAMER: I don't remember.
GEORGE: Don't remembah. I'm out my dream job and HE doesn't remembah!
JERRY: Why would you convert to a religion you don't remember?
KRAMER: IDEAS, Jerry! He had IDEAS!!
JERRY: Which you don't remember.
KRAMER: Right.
JERRY: Amazing.
KRAMER: Yeah. Hey, Georgie, wanna come?
GEORGE: NO, I do NOT want to come.
JERRY: Kramer, C'mon. Go to a movie with us. It's the least you can do.
KRAMER: No way. I've got to hear more of the Reverend's ideas.
JERRY: So you can forget them.
KRAMER: Right. It's very exhilarating. Cleans your mind right out. You should try it.
JERRY: No thank you. I think I'd rather have a memory.
KRAMER: Your loss, buddy.
ELAINE: Hey, Georgie, does this mean your back in with your parents?
JERRY: What was that? Did you say yes?
KRAMER: Boy, you should have thought of that before you lost that chicken costume.
GEORGE: George is getting angry!

- Mark Wentz

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

By outward appearances, this would appear to be a close match; to find the inevitable outcome, one would have to look into the geneological histories of both gladiators. On doing so, it is apparent that Iggy must be popped. Consider Ignatowski's heritage. He is obviously Slavic in origin. Historicaly, the Slavs have been the first casualty of any war that happened anywhere near Europe. Indeed, militarily, the Slavs may well be considered the welcome floormat of Europe. Alexander the Great nailed them, Gengis Kahn galloped over them a couple of times, Caesar Augustus & Julious Caesar dominated them, Napolean rode over them, and, of course, Hittler blitzkrieged them overnight. I don't know whether it's the water or something, but the Slavs just can't win a war to save their lives. They don't even seem to be able to win a war against themselves.

Kramer, on the other hand, is Jewish. I don't care if you have a positive mental image of Jews or not, you have to admit one thing, Jews are a bitch in battle. They always kicked ass in the Old Testament. Sure, the Babalonians and the Romans picked on them a bit, but the Jews sure bled both armies. Did you watch that mini-series on Masada? Several THOUSAND Roman legionaries were unable to bring down a small fortress held by a few hundred Jews! When the Romans tried to starve them out, the Jews commited suicide by jumping off the battlements rather than be beaten. Now that's tough! Not to mention that Israel is located in a very rough neighborhood at the moment, and continues to spit in everyone's eye. Nope, no contest. Ignatowski, like his forefathers, may put up some kind of token aggression, but in the end, Cosmo's warrior heritage will come forward and he'll bleed the reverend as the Canaanites of old.

- Capt. Kibbitz

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Brian and Steve, I usually am so impressed with your deep knowledge of all things pop culture, I can't believe you both missed this crucial piece of ancient history and bad blood(tm).

When Kramer (a.k.a. Michael Richards) walks into the Sunshine Cab company, Latka (a.k.a. Andy Kaufman) hears that manic voice and instantly reacts. Andy has a flashback to the night when he hosted Fridays(tm), an attempted rip-off of SNL(tm), and held the show hostage to his whacked out antics. At the end of the show, he and Michael Richards actually got in a brawl on live TV.

Seeing his adversary on his home turf, Andy swaggers over to Michael and throws a glass of water in his face, reenacting that fateful night. Michael Richards is shocked to recognize the one person who may have derailed his comedy career and delayed his ascent to stardom and he loses it. Rev. Jim is cast aside and instantly distracted by the Whatchamacallit (tm) that Kramer drops and the other two are engaged in the brawl of the century.

The winner--Andy Kaufman, whose extensive woman-wrestling experience helps him pummel Kramer, who couldn't even fend off the two gay men who stole Elaine's armoire that Kramer was supposed to be guarding.

- Amy

First of all, Kramer will win the WWWF vote. Every Seinfeld fan knows his antics and will vote for him in a knee-jerking reaction. This only proves there are more Kramer fans than Taxi fans. It does not determine the battle champion.

Consider this...

I can think of a number of Seinfeld episodes where Kramer began with big plans, exercised his "Dork" rights, and wound up with nothing. Conversely, I am unable to recall any Iggy centric Taxi episodes where Jim didn't end up with some form of good fortune. The reason is clear. Fate has already dealt a brain numbing blow to Iggy. He once was a successful student on a bright path to happiness and good fortune. Now, after years of self-destructive drug addictions, he's lowered his IQ several dozen points, been disowned by his family, and is working as a taxi driver. This also increases the potential Rage(tm) factor. Fate has merely humored with Kramer and has yet to truly trash him. It's going to happen. Look for it in an upcoming episode.

Besides, has anyone seen someone stoned out of his gourd and in a fight? They feel no pain. After years of drug abuse, Iggy is lucky to still feel gravity. Kramer might throw blow after blow and Iggy will keep coming. Once Kramer realizes Iggy is unstoppable, he'll pass another kidney stone and run screaming from the cab center.

Both fate, rage, and drugs will decide this battle.

Speaking of chickens... wasn't the crap kicked out of Kramer by two chickens in a previous episode? Wow... what a fighter.


Kramer releases Louie and turns to face Jim, who is currently admiring the way the walls are changing colors before his very eyes. Kramer, might I remind you, is not only a master of Karate, but he has swum laps in the east river, severely beaten a midget, and had fought off a mugger on a bus and STILL made all of the stops.

Iggy calls for help but everyone except Latka has already ran away to their favorite Italian eatery. Latka enters the fray while Jim quietly ingests some more brownies. Latka's experiance in Pro-wrestling quickly puts him ahead, but, unfortunately, K ramer calls for help and Newman appears. The four screwups battle all over the garage until the other T.V. screwballs show up (Bull, from Night Court: Lenny and Squiggy from Laverne and Shirly: etc.)

The swat team is called in to disperse the riot, but to no avail. the final tally: 20 casualties, including Iggy. (Krmaer and Newman snuck out to try to return soda bottles to Michigan in a mailtruck with the license plat no. "ASSMAN"

- Zero the Hero

Iggy is probably so whacked out that he'll see 5 Kramers in front of him and run away. Kramer wins by default. Also, even if that doesn't happen, Kramer has the Rage (tm) because of the chicken suit and the Greed (tm) because you don't get a million an episode when you've been beaten to death by Reverend Jim. I rest my case.

- Raf

Here's what would happen: Since Kramer's a lover, not a fighter, as soon as Jim comes over to fight, Kramer takes one look at Jim, and is scared off. End of fight. However, as soon as Jackie Childs gets word of this atrocity, he sues the Sunshine Cab Co. for an as yet undisclosed amount of money. Steinbrenner gives George his job back, while explaining in great depth how cabs have screwed him several times over the years. Kramer settles out of court for $50 in free cab fares, but gets the Chicken suit back. Meanwhile at the All-Star game, the regular mascot refuses to wear the guerrilla suit they found on short notice to replace the Chicken suit with, so George is forced to take his place. He is seen on national television screaming, "Kramer!"

- Fredbird

Get real! Kramer got beat by a bunch of eight year olds in an alley! Iggy hangs out with a boxer! He slugged it out toe to toe with Captain Kirk and the Lone Ranger! Once it gets down to fists, it'll be over in a hurry. The real battle here is what they say to each other before they throw down. Both are perpetually confused about their surroundings. Both find small truths and trumpet them as amazing discoveries. Kramer, however, is already engaged with Louie so Iggy gets the first verbal salvo. Unable to cope in many situations, Kramer is already reeling when Iggy's logic drives home. Off-balance, confused, and angry, Kramer has no chance.

- Elayne's new boyfriend

This is a simple win for Kramer. Jim is a spaz and although Tony probably has taught him to box, Kramer is still a master of Karate. But after quickly knocking Jim's lights, Kramer will have to face the Former Heavyweight Champion of the World and Inter-Gender Wreastling Champ, Andy Kaufman. That fight will last for hours, untill Balki comes in and challeges Lavata to a Meatboism dance of WAR. By then, Jim will have built the Dolorian and gone into the past to get Biff, except he was stoned and went into the future and got old Biff and Kramer takes them both out with one blow.


Kramer's a great guy, and real tough and all, but the Rev. has something powerful on his side: he hasn't a clue what's going on around him at anytime! You could kick his ass, and he'd never quite catch on, just keep fighting away.

- Kirk

The four friends will be sitting around the coffee shop in no time, with Kramer unscathed...

As we know from the infamous "Contest" episode, Kramer has no willpower whatsoever.

JERRY: Hey, look across the street!
JERRY: There's a beautiful naked woman in the apartment across from us.
KRAMER: Excuse me for a second... Well, I'm out.
KRAMER: I'm out. Finito.

Surely, someone with such pent-up sexual frustration will win against the Rev.

Jim hits the floor in less time than it took Cosmo's horse to eat all the Price Club/Costco bulk cans of Beefaroni...(The Rye episode)

- Vlad, back in Moose Jaw, mooching off his parents once more...

Come on, this is toooooooo easy. Iggy will whip Kramer's butt. Remember Kramer, when confronted by -- how to put it, well affeminate -- street thugs, left Elaine's armoire and ran (and Jerry was no help either). Unless Kramer enlists the help of his ol' friend the soup nazi (tm), he hasn't got a chance.

- Eric H.

Well, I had to pick a winner, but it wasn't easy. You pit the reason i watch Seinfeld against the reason i watch Taxi reruns. Unfortunately, when compared side-by-side, it becomes painfully obvious that Jim just can't compete, not against a third-grade karate champion like Cosmo Kramer.

1) First of all, we have to realize that although Kramer may only be able to beat the pants off 8-year olds, at least he can do that. It seems as though i remember Jim being somewhat of a pacifist (if only by artificial means...)

2) We also know that you don't wanna get between Kramer and his chickens. I need only cite 2 episodes: A) The Kenny Rogers Roasters episode, in which Kramer would gladly have KILLED a man to get his beloved chicken back (it's the wood that makes it good). Then of course there was the B) Little Jerry Seinfeld episode in which Kramer bought a "chicken" for a pet. When he found out cock-fighting was dangerous to Little Jerry, Kramer didn't even hesitate to jump into the pit, risking his own life to save..... a chicken.

3) Numerous other Seinfeld episodes prove that Kramer has little or no regard for his personal safety when he is engaged in pursuit of some sacred object. Jim's only chance is to try and capitalize on Kramer's one weakness: Mary Hart's Voice.

This match all comes down to who can get to the remote control first.......

- John

What prior roles could Kramer rely on, delving back into that Shirley MacLaine past-lives collective for bringing back butt-whipping techniques of pre-Kramer lives? The butler from Transylvania 6-5000? I think not. If he had the broom that Stanley Spikowski did in Weird- Al's "UHF" - maybe..But, even then, a broom weilding janitor is no match for a Klingon warrior.

There's also the sense of bravado. Jim willing boarded an alien ship, no abduction neccessary. Kramer is afraid to buy plantains from a mean grocer...c'mon!

- Cubed_Rat

Iggy has got this one in the bag before it even begins...... and here are the three, incontrovertible reasons why.......

1) TIME TRAVEL: In the strange event things are not going his way, Jim can simply utilize the DeLorean(TM) to go forward in time, analyze the security cameras for weaknesses, and then travel BACK IN TIME (TM) and caitalize on this new information, repeating as necessary until victory is certain.

2) INVULNERABILITY: How often has Jim proven to be invulnerable to physical harm? He was electrocuted, blown up, crushed, and abandoned in the ocean, all without being harmed in any way (except that he was completely bald), and that was in only TWO movies...... plus let us face it, his Addams Family (TM) background gives him a certain advantage aside from the invulnerability factor, namely in that he is completely unaware of the possibility of demise.

3) COMBAT TRAINING AND ABILITY: Who in the galaxy is better trained in the art of hand-to-hand combat than a Klingon Captain? And don't pull that "well Captain Kirk managed to kill him" stuff, because that all happened before 1) and 2) occurred; and after all, who in their right mind could compare Kramer to Kirk (other than the fact that they both have bad hair?) If Iggy can outwrestle some super-strength bacteria on Spock's casket, he can certainly out-wrestle the super- strength bacterium he is matched up against here...

'Nuff said, then.... Iggy withstands whatever attack Cosmo can mount, while simultaneously travelling back in time and beheading the younger, unsuspecting pre-Seinfeld Kramer with his Klingon Bat'telh sword.....

- Kang

Now, Kramer may be able to confound the Rev's alter-egos with his own unbridled wackiness, but Kramer must fall to the might of my favorite of Christopher Lloyd's roles....

Judge Doom! This Roger Rabbit villain wouldn't give in to Kramer's wacky characters, because he's dealt with 'toons-- and they don't get much wackier... Doom's also not as straight-laced as the other characters, I guess. Anyhow, unless Kramer's got some dip, I must grant the Rev. victory...

- Noel Schornhorst

The two combatants size each other up, waiting for the chance to strike.

Suddenly, a retro-60's Oldie[TM] starts playing on the announcement speakers. The two fighters look around, wondering where it's coming from. Then, they see him, jumping across the floor until he's right between them.

"Wait a minute," Kramer starts. "Just who are you, you...whatever you are?!"
"C'mon, people! Sweat with me!" the newcomer says.
The Reverend, on a huge rush of "pixi-stix[TM]", charges at the lithe, sweating creature, shouting "Get outta' my way!" Kramer does the same, eager to get rid of the pest and get back the chicken suit (which happened to be the wrong size, anyway). The two fighters connect with the newcomer simultaneously, but they just glide right off all the grease and sweat, slamming into each other!

"Aw, come on!" He taunts. "One, and two, and one..."
"I say we wax this bozo right now!" Kramer tells Jim. Jim just nods in agreement. They each grab a suitable weapon, and swing them at the horrible, sweaty monster, who deflects them with perfect can-can kicks from completely shaven legs.
"I can see you aren't gonna work with me, so I'll have to be rid of you." he says in mock hurt. Jim and Kramer are helpless at the barrage of razor-edged Deal-a-Meal[TM] cards being thrown at them. The last words they hear are "Sugar pie, honey bun".

Slowly, the misteryrious stranger walks away, searching for a fat guy to pester. Yes, the mighty Kramer and the goofballed Jim Ignatowski have fallen to the baddest "big hair" freak on the planet, Richard Simmons[TM].

- MonkeyDog

Brian your faith in the good reverend is touching, but completley misguided, he doesn't have a chance against Kramer. There is no way Iggy will have it together enough upstairs to even consider using his money or time machine to win (besides, you forget that Bobby is also Security Chief Zack Allan of Babylon 5 and he will doublessly prevent using any copout treknobable solutions to this fight).

As for Iggy calling on allies... Alex and Elaine would either try to restrain Kramer (exposing themselves to his flailing arms) or talk him down (exposing themselves to his bizarre mind), either way they will be neutralized, and neither Bobby or Louie is going to risk getting invovled (I refuse to even acknowledge the existance of that annoying mechanic guy). That only leaves Tony, but remember Tony is a Vietnam vet, he was off risking his life so Iggy could protest the war and get lots of drugs and sex. Tony doubtlessly feels anger and jealously towards this rich freaky peace creep and is probably secretly glad that someone is finally doing this. As such there is no way Tony is going to get involved. Iggy is on his own.

Now under normal circumstances Kramer may not be much, after all he has lost to Elaine, children, and AIDS activists (do we really have to wear a ribbon to prove that we are against a murderous plague?), but when riled up he can be pretty dangerous. Remember in the Pinky Toe episode, he beat up an armed robber while driving his girlfriend on a bus to the hospital (and he still made all the stops). Kramer is riled today and he is going to kick some ass.

- Brendan W. Guy

Kramer's basic spaciness (as opposed to Ignatowski's more general cluelessness) is his downfall. As he pulls Louie through the remnants of the cage to throttle him more efficiently, he gets a look at everyone in the garage...

Whoa! That scruffy guy. Wasn't he the Klingon captain in Star Trek III? And that man with the big nose. He was in Independence Day! And I swear that blond fella's on Babylon 5! EEK! The Penguin! AAAAAAAAAHHHH...!

Kramer flees in terror, while Jim scratches his head. "Wow, my flashbacks are getting weirder all the time!"

- Call me Shane

We ended up voting for Rev. Jim after much deliberation... the reasons are that when Rev. Jim is either doped or boozed up, he loses every spazian quality (he's not a spaz). Even though he no longer has ESP, he does have the ability to act like a normal person, which is something Cosmo can never do. While Kramer does have That Thing He Does With His Hand (tm, Pat. Pend.), which means, of course, Dr. Strangelove is on his side, and also he can swim the East River, which improves his strength and odour, past experience has shown that he has lost to midgets before. With Rev. Jim's non-spaziness and Louie on his side, he cannot lose. The worst Kramer can do is accidentally hurt the good Rev., although the presence of the smaller than life Louie could possibly cancel out any special powers Cosmo might have. Anyway, the only advantage Kramer has is Dr. Strangelove, who would probably be too busy fighting his own mechanical limb to help his fellow comrade-in-arms, so to speak. Thank you and good night.

- Matt Keeley & Ben Allen

Closer than you think...

Jim set fire to Louis's apartment. Cosmo torched George's girlfriend's father's log cabin. A draw on pyrotechnics.

Jim has his father's fortune. Cosmo, to quote George, "gets sex without dating and falls ass-backwards into money". A draw on finances.

Iggy has Elayne. Kramer has Elaine. A draw on obligatory sitcom babes.

Iggy has psychic powers, but they only work on predicting TV ratings. Kramer was on Murphy Brown, a once top-rated show. Since they both screwed up, a draw on Television.

Christopher Lloyd was the bad guy on Best of the West (and The Lone Ranger remake?). Micheal Richards was a dweeby version of John "Die Hard" McLane in Airheads. A draw on alter-egos.

It comes down to primal, physical combat. Kramer defeated a bus hijacker with one hand while simultaneously dropping off passengers. Iggy nearly died when he went to an aerobics session with Latka/Vic. If nothing else, Kramer could OD on free coffee, grab Jim and vibrate him to pulp. An easy victory to CK.

- John Hunter

Exidor from "Mork and Mindy"'d kick both their asses. He'd lead them in a chant of "Ohwha Tajer Kiam" and beat them severely with an iron bar while they were still figuring it out.

- Robin Shortt

Well guys, I voted for Iggy. Not because he will thrash Kramer but he will keep Louie from getting choked to death. Iggy will walk into the garage as Kramer is choking the life from louie and start spouting off at the mouth about how this reminds him of ancient legend out of mythology and after a few seconds Kramer will get that look into his eyes, snap back into the dark swirls of what he considers reality and drop Louie. He then will do the infamous Kramer spin into a cocked stance and reply "You know I think I know which one your talking about" Iggy in return will give his astonished deer in the headlights look and the two will sit at that table and discuss ancient mythology for hours. Babbling about Homer (not Simpson for you simpletons!) and the other classics. They will both forget their original points and simultaneously they will both realize that they are hungry. Remember in your scenario that they both were speeding out. Iggy on uppers and Kramer on caffine. They will walk out of the garage still talking and going to get something to eat. Then the scene cuts to George in front of Yankee stadium as the lights go out and mumbles something about George and relationship George and the Boom, when they collide.

And gentlemen that is how it will happen. Neither one of these two have the attention span long enough to fight each other, but have so much stupid little trivia bits tucked away somewhere in that head of theirs that they could talk for hours without actually having a point.

- The Hermit!

The match between Kramer and the Rev. Jim is a tough one to call, but I had to vote for Jim. Kramer is a nutcase, surely, but he doesn't seem to have any hidden talents: Kramer is like an open book - what you see is what you get. The Igmeister, however, is full of little surprises, and he's seen a lot of tough stuff in his day. He can probably hold his own pretty well. Kramer hasn't had a real job in his life, and while he can get a pretty hot temper, he's scared of clowns and will probably run at the first sign of real trouble.

- B. Cooney

I'll be honest, I've never heard of either of these two people, who the hell are they?

So, without refering to the facts I have made my desicion on who will win- Reverand Jim Igisomething. He has a much cooler name whilst the other one has a duck on his head. No contest.

- Napoleon

It all boils down to attention span. Kramer is used to focusing on minute little things and running them for all their are worth with the rest of the gang. Jim can't stay focused for the duration of a belch.

Given home court advantage Jim gets in the first blow, but it will be his last. Kramer counters with a right cross to the jaw. As Jim's head snaps to the side he sees an interesting looking stain on the wall and walks off to investigate. Kramer goes back to ranting about the chicken suit and the game is over.

- Gary

Here's the deal. First of all. I bet half the people voting don't even know who Reverend Jim is. As always with this page. Popularity, not battle prowess decides the outcome. I actually voted for reverend Jim because I know he'll lose. Call it a sympathey vote. I admit that Kramer could beat Jim in a fight. He's so much more "animated". But I choose to go with the underdog. Can we not forget how Dick Vitale triumphed over too much better candidates.

- Your Typical Iconoclast Noncomformist (typical I say)

Unfortunately guys, you both seem to have made the same mistake that Kramer will. You've dismissed Louie as an insignifcant part of the equation, when he will actually be The Deciding Factor(tm). As we can tell from looking at him, Louie has spent most of his life being ridiculed for his being both vertically and follicly challenged. This of course has created in him a deep-seated hatred for tall people, as well as a dark sense of loathing for those with hair. Combined with the fact that he was rejected in his initial bid to enter the local chapter of the Mafia, we are left with a deep burning fury just waiting for a place to explode with lethal force!

Now, of course, with Kramer and Jim both being of above-average height, and both being rather abundantly endowed with hair (which they have the AUDACITY to neglect and/or wear in funny styles!!) Louie will now have a target for all this pent-up fury! Like a can of Jolt(tm) placed in a paint-can-shaker and then punctured with a pen, Louie will change from the short, balding chubber that we all know him as, into a raving, gun-toting freak bent on wreaking carnage on all present, Kramer and Jim foremost. (Gun-toting?? you ask? of course, what Cab co doesn't have a few heavy assault and crew-served weapons at their headquarters!?!?!?)

So, as Louie is busy going postal, blasting anything and everything within sight with more height and/or more hair than him, the rest of the cast of Seinfeld just happens to wander by, each catching a stray-bullet-or-four, forever ending the misery they started when they first began their sitcom. The scene creates plenty of interest and draws quite a crowd, including Ellen and Co, who're busy snickering over the deaths of their competition when a carefully aimed shot from Louie "The PostMan" dePalma ruptures a gas-tank next to them, and permanently ends the BullShit Hype(tm) generated by Ellen's recent admission of her place in the realms of Dykedom (as if anyone ever doubted it for a second) and removes yet another eye-ear-and-mental-sore from this beautiful green Earth.

Just then, Marty arrives on skateboard, is spared by Louie since he's even shorther than Louie is, and runs over to Jim, screaming incoherently something along the lines of "Why didn't you just read the damn letter?!?"

Unfortunately for Louie, he makes the mistake of exulting in his victory over Ellen, and is snatched by a heavily-armed splinter-faction of Dykes-on-Bykes(tm), the group known as Militia Etheridge! They grab him and ride off to their secret headquarters where they torture him by strapping him to a chair where he is forced to watch a 24-hour continuous play series of Ellen re-runs, while Melissa Etheridge is blasted in his left ear and KD Lang is blasted in his right. He is eventually found dead, having chewed off his own tongue and swallowed in a desperate (and successful) effort to end his own misery.

Back at the garage, Jim suddenly sits up, pulls apart his jean jacket, and shows off his bullet-proof vest to Marty, who is so pissed at being duped, that he crushes Jim's head with nearby wrench, and then takes off on his skateboard and is found dead a few weeks later from radiation poisoning, with the word "Oedipus" scratched into the dirt by his hand.

A happy ending for the rest of the population of the world I must say!

- Fistandantilus of Montreal - Officially-Sanctioned Crazed Looney(tm)

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Cliff Clavin v. Newman
Friends v. Seinfeld
Jeopardy!: Iggy v. Ernest v. Kelly Bundy

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