World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

Las Vegas, NV (AP) -- In what is known as the convention capital of the world, trouble has broken out tonight in the lobby of the Sand Dunes in downtown Las Vegas. In the east wing of the hotel "The Centenarians Society" was enjoying their annual meeting with record attendance of over 500 members who now qualify for membership by being over 100 years old. Willard Scott was giving the keynote address, and they were all enraptured with his always eloquent speech.

Then the trouble began. In the west wing, the "Midget's Guild of America" was also holding it's annual meeting, when Willard Scott's microphone line accidentally got tied in to the MGA's PA system. Understandably outraged by this, over 100 disgruntled midgets stormed into the Centenarian's meeting and demanded that he cease at once. However, all this did was in turn outrage the Centenarians.

Now, things have turned violent here at the Sand Dunes -- an all out battle is taking place before us. When the dust settles, only one of these two parties is going to emerge from this victorious.

So Brian, with the Centenarians outnumbering the midgets 5 to 1, who do you think will emerge as the winner tonight?

Midgets Centenarians




The Commentary

BRIAN: Gotta go with the midgets, Steve. My first impulse was to go with the old guys, who have a lot of things in their favor in addition to their numbers. True, a lot of these "Centenarians" will be almost completely useless, but the healthier ones will have an arsenal of weapons at their immediate disposal including, but not restricted to: canes, crutches, wheelchairs, bed pans, soiled Depends (tm), IV stands, oxygen tanks, nitroglycerine, cardiac shock paddles, and iron lungs. They could also theoretically use some of the more incapacitated 100-year olds as projectiles and/or shields. But that's all moot.

It all comes down to distractions. The elderly are too easily distracted. They have the attention span of Jell-O (tm). They won't be able to keep their minds on the fight, especially when distracted by the two things that DO hold their attention. As the midgets converge on the scene, several of the more craftier verically-challenged participants work on a multi-media based attack. One group wires a Matlock (tm) feed into the closed circuit television being used in the room while another group pipes in the sounds of Paul Harvey (tm). The old farts are so entranced by this Audio-Visual Bonanza (tm) that they remain paralyzed as the midgets "descend" upon them. But they do die happy.

STEVE: A valiant attempt Brian, but you're forgetting one vital point. In order for your "multimedia" attack to work, you assume that they can both see and hear. Unfortunately, glasses prescriptions and hearing aid settings are always a step behind what is needed for full comprehension. Your ploy will fail, and leave the midgets vulnerable to other attacks.

Don't forget that these folk have over 100 years of pent-up orneriness to unleash upon someone. Canes and purses will be clobbering the midgets from all sides. "Pesky young whippersnappers! Back in my day children didn't grow facial hair!" The combination of better reach, along with the 5 to 1 advantage will just be too much for the midgets to handle. Elders in 1 hour.

BRIAN: You claim that they can't see and hear enough to see Matlock and hear Paul Harvey. Then you claim that they will be physically able enough to defeat the midget onslaught? How is this possible?! Selective senses?! If anything, the FIRST thing that they will be able to see & hear WILL BE MATLOCK! Matlock has been known to pull several elderly types out of comas. And if their seeing and hearing are, in fact, so terrible, how will they recognize the midgets as midgets? If they see a small shape approaching them, they'll think it's visitation time. "The grandkids have come," they'll say. While they're digging around for a Nice Shiny Quarter (tm), or reaching out with lips puckered -- WHAMMO! I got your shiny quarter right here, grandma.

And you mention the elders' "orneriness." Whoop-dee-do. Have you ever met a short person who wasn't overly ornery and bitter? Imagine how bad it must be for midgets! They have something to prove. Years of frustration from spurned sexual advances are let loose on the old folks. With 100 midgets come 100 jumbo size Chips-On-Their-Shoulder (tm) -- not only does that make for an agressive attitude, those chips could be brandished as nasty weapons. Midgets in 10 minutes.

STEVE: Yes, I have. Just look at Tattoo from Fantasy Island (I mean the real Tattoo, not the one we portrayed). He's pathetic, and I might mention, bossed around by an older guy. He does whatever the old guy says, because he knows that he's gonna get a whoopin' if he doesn't.

Another factor that the old folks have going for them here is that most of them are already on some sort of pain-killing medication. They will absorb blow after blow and not even feel it. Not that those wimpy little blows are going to hurt them at all anyhow.

Basically, you really just can't get away from the numbers regarding this match. Five to one is a huge advantage! Four guys in wheelchairs and one with a cane is still going to be more than enough to take out a 3 foot guy. Plain and simple.

The Results

Midgets (690)


Centenarians (268)

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Voter Comments

Response of the Week (tm)

In pure physical combat, the midgets win hands down. The 100+s can barely lift a remote control let alone a cane or an IV stand. But the Centenarians have chemical warfare on their side via deluges of Ben Gay oozing from every orifice of their bodies. Not that new unscented stuff either; they still use some from the "...75 cases I bought back in '69." Scenario: Midgets climb on a stool and open the door. The Centenarians that can turn their necks glance over and are mildly surprised to see an army of 3 foot tall blurs moving towards them. The last midget shuts the door behind him but leaves the stool outside-- they're trapped. Suddenly the head midget realizes his error and succumbs to the overwhelming fumes. Without being removed the midgets soon suffocate (of course the geriatrics have evolved an immunity to the toxins). Centenarians win in 5 minutes with heavy casualties: 3 strokes, 15 heart attacks, 137 killed by midgets, many injured by vibrations on the floor during the battle.

- Kris Thole

ROTW(tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

This battle has already been forseen and put into poetry. No, not by Nostradamus, but by the musical genius, Jim Morrison. The connections are just too obvious to ignore. "Five to One" by The Doors (tm) contains evidence that Jim saw this battle coming. The ratio of the combatants is the most obvious. There are 5 geezers to every 1 midget. The line "The old get older and the young get stronger" shows that Mr. Morrison knew who'd be fighting. Jim obviously meant to say "the short" not "the young," but the intention is still clear. This means the midgets will be able to rally, but the line "They got the guns, but we got the numbers/ Gonna win, yeah we're taking over" shows that the Arthritis Crew will win out at the end. The victory will not last since the ominous line "No one here gets out alive" means that no one will be left, but the last one left will be an elderly person.

All of the old people had lived through World War I and World War II. Many of them have probably even fought during them. Therefore, they have a strategic advantage. Have you ever seen a midget in the armed forces? No. Why? The thought of a charging Lollipop Guild (tm) just doesn't scare ANYBODY.

The old people will remember (those that aren't senile, anyway) that the Russian Red Army used their superiority of numbers to beat the Nazis back to Berlin. This fight in the conference room will be like the German push into Russia and the turning point in that theater. The midgets will first be met by the weaker geezers, those that have stuff stuck in them (colostomy bags, IV's, stuff that would limit movement) and the blind. It will take a while for the half-pints to push through, and although they will be relatively unscathed, the Cents that are left will have set up defensive positions. When the midgets get to these positions, a stalemate will occur. This works to the elderly's favor, since they're used to stalemate and trench warfare from WWI.

Winter will set in, and since the midgets were in such a hurry to whip ass, they left all of their warm clothes at their now forgotten conference room. The old women, on the other hand, have been knitting fiercely away, despite the arthritis, making sweaters, mittens and afghans to keep "the boys" warm. When it gets it's coldest, the old ones will launch Operation Munchkin Maul (tm).

Hordes of shrimps and prunes will fall. It would look like the Stormtroopers vs. the Red Shirted Ensigns (tm) all over again. At the end of it all, only one woman (Mabel Baker) will be left standing, the blood of many a dwarf on her cane. This will fulfill Morrison's prophesy of the old winning. Then, Mabel will turn to the stage, where Willard Scott is still giving his cutesy, pansy speech about how they're not 100 years old, but 100 years young, or whatever the hell it is he says. It is not a pretty sight as she charges the stage, and with a blood-curdling scream, beats Willard into a bloody pulp. This will be too much for poor Mable's body, and she will suffer a heart attack, stroke and embolism all at the same time and croak. This will fulfill the prophesy that no one would get out alive.

After this fracas, the hotel has a hard time booking any large groups, until the NAACP and the KKK get booked at the same time, but that's another story for someone else to tell.

- Christopher Nixon

ROTW(tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Gotta go with the midgets on this one. Let's face it, midgets have the entire Politically Correct World(TM) backing them. They are all Vertically Challanged or Height Deficient(TM). Some members of The a Centenarians, however, are the most hated and feared humans ever to oppress this planet: White Males! The instant the battle begins, the area will be stormed by all the hundreds of billions of women and minorities who are against the Cruel Tyranny and Centuries of Oppression which every single white male living today is somehow directly responsible for. These women and minorities will suffocate the elderly white males under Inane Piles of Silly Legislation, leaving the midgets with the numerical advantage. Midgets in 5 minutes.

- Mike "Yes, I'm a White Male" Jackson

Lets get ready to ruuuuuuuuumble! Dionne Warwick (she's like 100, right?) vs. Warwick Davis? Five words: You're not in Kansas anymore. I mean, come on. Let's do a little math. From the cursory observation, you've got 500 old cats vesus 100 midgets. Figure the average height/mass ratio between the two clans, and it's more like 7.5 to 1. A few examples of competitors we're likely to see: The old guy from that wonderful series 'The Master' (tm), Pat Morita (wax midget on, wax midget off (tm)), Ray Walston (My Favorite Old Guy (tm)) (they're like 100, right?) against such distinguished killers as the greasy PR manager for Little Caesars (tm) - 'You still got it! (tm)' and the little backwards-talking twerp from Twin Peaks (tm) (although that dude scares me plenty). The old folks got a Bag-Full-O'-Suppositories (tm) and blue hair dye commin' your way -- The old folks win, then retire to Florida.

- Troy Roberson, University of Alabama at Birmingham

What, are you begging to be sued by the AARP and the Lollypop Guild?

Being on the shortish side m'self, I hafta say that the little ones are gonna kick ass an' take names-- but not for any o' the reasons suggested. It comes down to one very simple factor: crash durability.

The midget's decisive attack will be to cover the floor with marbles, banana peels, gear lube, etc. The elders, their skeletal systems brittled with age, will fall on the floor and hip bones will shatter like porcelin. The shorties will then be able to charge in with impunity for two reasons: 1) Being so short, their low centers of gravity will find them surprisingly sure footed on the treacherous ground, and 2) If they do fall, they're so close to the ground already that there will be no signifigant damage. Lil' ones in five seconds.

Now, on to the Final Four,

Truly, this would be a lopsided contest...let's look at this one historically. Midgets are tough and nasty...who was James West's deadliest enemy in "The Wild Wild West"? Why, Dr. Loveless, of course...3 feet of pure evil genius! And who knocked out James Bond in "The Man With The Golden Gun"? Why, it was a pre-Fantasy Island Tattoo! Who kicked the butt of an entire legion of well armed Stormtroopers (TM) in Return of the Jedi? The Ewoks, who we all know were just a bunch of midgets in bad fur suits. Then there is Midget Wrestling...pound for pound, some of the fiercest fighters in the entertainment've never heard of Old Geezer Wrestling, have you? Of course not, because they have no RAGE (TM). 'Nuff said. The midgets, suitably enraged, and using their superior speed and agility, lock the handbrakes on the wheelchair bound geezers, making them easy targets for the second wave of reinforcements, led by the recently resurrected Tattoo (and highly po'd at having been dead). The initial assault force then targets the standing geezers, and easily takes them out with devesating groin punches, a la Johnny Cage. The geezers will be left in so many pieces not even SuperDenture Grip (TM) will be able to put them back together. Midgets win in 15 minutes.

- Mac

had to go with the little guys. Look at gargamel and the smurfs. Gargamel had to be at least 80 yrs old yet the micromidgetal smurfs whooped his ass every time.

- george@ut

Im gonna have to go with Brian on this one. I grew up with Tony Reames in Pennsylvania and have had to endure many long lectures on the uncanny fighting abilities of midgets and one thing has always seemed to capture my attention... midget throwing. Sure the Grannies and Gramps might have canes and other "foriegn objects", but two midgets, properly skilled in the art of midget tossing, can really wreak havoc. With good aim and the proper velocity, a midget can do more than take your eye out. I kid you not on this subject, for there are REAL midget tossing contests. They take this stuff seriously. So take heed old folks... these guys arent only coming in on the ground... like Desert Storm, an air attack is inevitable and will probably decide the champions! Best of luck to all of them, but I know the midgets are not only physically, but mentally more prepared to win this one.

- tymm hoffman

In the middle of a huge all out brawl, about three midgets, just simply march up to the Gramps' stage, toss Willard Scott away from the podium, and launch into an odd high-pitched squeal, from which the words, "WE REPRESET THE LOLLIPOP .... " At first the squeal just irritates the Gramps' Group, but as they are beginning to froth from the odd whine coming from their hearing aids, the trio on the stage whip out about 5 lollipops the size of Alaska, and hand them out to the suddently calmed feeble people. The two depart in peace, and as the oldsters share the lollipops, and procede to watch a all-too familiar classic about a yellow-painted road.....
MIDGE #1> Hey, guy, thanks for the stuff you gave me, sure it'll work? 
MIDGE #2> It'll work. I got it off a pusher around the corner, and 
they're so old it'll put 'em into shock.  
MIDGE #1> Well, thanks, and see you later Mr. Coleman.  
MIDGE #2> Call me Gary.  See you next year.  
About a week later, about half the grandchildren in the US go on a muderous rampage for anyone over 21 and under 5', while the other half throw parties celebrating the demise of sloppy kisses and that odd smell no one could really identify.

- DarkHelmet - May the Schwartz be with you!

How many shrunked old folks have you seen? In their frenzy to smash at anything smaller than them, the ancient attackers are undoubtedly going to mistake some of their own for midgets. This will quickly even the numbers out, and one ticked off, three foot, guy (who is likely to be built like a brick wall) is easily gonna take down a old lady who can't even clearly see him.

- Aaron Petry, Ohio State University

hi there. My brother and his friends are the creators of the midget/old people battle. I have fought with him over and over again about this topic. I stand firm with my decision that the midgets would win time and time again. You are really incouraging his madness by putting this on your page. gee, thanks

- crazy's sister

The Midgets would win hands down because they (in short) would have the physical advantage.

- Jen Fris

Midgets hands down! Here are my reasons why.

1. Midget wrestling, if some of those moves were executed in real life they would be fatal.

2. Teeth, even if there were no wrestlers, and the brawl came to biting, the Centenarians with false teeth (probably soaking in club soda at the time of the attack) or none, the midgets would still win.

3. The Wizard(tm(80s tv show))and Time Bandits(tm): The Wizard would whip up some radio controled car with mini guns or something of the like and the Time bandits would steal anything that looked like it could be used as a weapon. The little RC car would burst through the doors like Tango and Cash(tm) in the RV from hell, shredding the place.

- Slyder

The outcome will be decided by SPEED. Remember the Haiti Kid in the WWF? He could bite referee's bottoms and jump on full-size wrestler's backs and then run away before they could catch him. Also he was just so tiny that he was too cute for them to really want to hurt him. It's the same case here. The old guys will see the midgets coming in and think "oh how cute..." and will never know what hit them. Midgets in five minutes.

Addendum: Also keep in mind the George Burns factor -- he was basically just holding on long enough to turn 100. I'm sure half the old guys die at these conferences every year -- the shock of seeing 100 angry midgets burst into their tranquil lounge will probably be enough to do the rest of them in.

- Shuman

Have to go with the midgets. Even Kramer, a man in his physical prime, got taken down by one.

- Tony

This contest reminds me of a war between the Pygmy and Watusi tribes in Africa. The Pygmy tribe has the smallest average height of any civilization in the world, while the Watusi tribe has the largest. Surprisingly, the Pygmy tribe won this war. Why? The Pygmies would hide in the jungle, run out, hit the Watusi on the knee, and hide again. The Watusi could never find the Pygmies, largely due to their lack of height. This battle is very similar. The Midgets will run up to a Centenarian, hit them on the knee, and then run to find a new target. Due to their age, the Centenarians have an extremely low response time, and will not be able to strike back at the Midgets. After just a few hits on the knee, their legs will snap in two. Fumbling around for their anasthetic, they will be at the mercy of other Midgets.

- ĖDave

Wow, and I thought I was twisted. Anyway, as the full midget on slought begins the only sounds that will be heard over Matlock(tm) will be that of old bones snapping like tree limbs and hips popping like popcorn. Come on, the ability to smack someone with a purse or a cane is directly related to the ability to move without breaking somthing. Keloggs(tm) wishes they could record a Snap(tm), Crackle(tm) & Pop(tm) this loud. The midgets in ten minutes, due almost entirely to the brittle bones and missing cartilage of old age.

- E

First of all anyone who has made it into the Centenarians, and made it to tonights match is going to be one tough old son of a gun. Also lets remember that quite a few may have previous combat experience, and this experience will provide quite an advantage in this battle for survival. You can see it now, the midgets advancing in a rageing horde, only to be cut down by a centenarian with an O2 tank and a lighter. No mercy here folks!

So, it will be the centenarians, but with heavy casualties.

- bkschip

After much careful deliberation, I came to the conclusion that the results of this match will hinge on upon the actions of one man, Oleander Ramchakowski. Oleander is the only person to qualify as a member of both groups. One hundred and seven years of orneriness packed into a three foot two inch frame. Years and years ago, Oleander was one of the world's most famous circus midgets, able to draw crowds from around the globe. All this changed one day, however, when a group of old folks came to the circus and told the owner that "short people just aren't that funny." This resulted in the immediate firing of Oleander. Now, years later, the brawl to end all brawls breaks out, and Oleander is forced to choose sides and fight for either the old people, whom he has never forgiven for the loss of his job, or the little people, who have suffered for years at the hands of the old. Oleander sees the chance to do something about that great big chip on his shoulder and starts to fight for the midgets. Using his Natural Charisma and Charm (TM) that he deveoped over years of circus life, he rounds up the physically capable, but perceptually challenged centenarians. Oleander will convince his powerful, cane-wielding army, that the more threataning, dangerous centenarians are actually midgets who have disguised themselves by sitting on each others shoulders. With the help of the other midgets, Oleander and his army will butcher a large portion of the centenarians as if they were cattle. While many centenarians will survive this initial onslaught, it will leave the survivers incapacitated and in need of medical attention. Many will survive the battle only to find themselves writhing in agony on the floor as physical exertion has caused their lungs to collapse and their arteries to burst. At this point, the energetic, spry midgets will be able to round up the survivers and dispose of them at their leisure. Convention security will be powerless to protect the centenarians as the midgets take part in their terrible orgy of blood.

- Faustus, Lawrence University

Midgets are fast, and I don't just mean pretty fast, I mean damn fast. They have a low center of gravity so they can corner like they're on rails. They'd have those old codgers spinning in so many directions that they won't know what hit them. In the confusion (and can you think of anything more confusing than 100 angry midgets?) the elderly will cease to be a tax burden.

- Jim Truitt --Jeremy Kriedeman

Sure the old people have their weapons, sure they have their hardend WWI experiance, sure they can lock their teeth on someone and then detach them from their mouth to fight on, but their forgetting one thing ... the midget celebrities. Webster & Gary Coleman also happen to be at the meeting (after making up from their match) and we all know what kind of heat they pack. Webster coming from such a broken home...come on we all know it happened off camera. And we all know of the "Different Stro kes" criminal records. And I'm sure Coleman will use many different strokes on the elders from his illegal nightstick he always carries with him (you didn't see that episode?).

- Pap 1

Let's not forget that these old curmudgeons are there to see one of their heroes, Willard "is anyone going to eat that last piece of cheesecake" Scott. Old people respond best to large, loud things (hence their undying devotion to Scott, Harvey, and (?) Rush. With the diminutive size of the midgets, the centenarians will be looking down, right through the closeup section of their bifocals. They will see nothing but a blur of compact human flesh. You can't hit what you don't see. Also, the centenarian cavalry (wheelchair brigade) will be almost useless. Get a 3-foot person at the control of a wheelchair, and the old farts won't be able to turn around far enough to see him/her. Click, the midgets disengage the wheelchair brakes, and whoosh! it's out into the parking lot with the mobile portion of the centenarians. The rest of the midgets will disable the centenarian's juicers and automated feeding tubes, and then claim to be their grandchildren coming to visit. Once they are within hugging distance, whammo! If this happens across the country, the voter base for Bobby Dole will drop by 50%.

- Greg A. Kudlac

How can you even argue for the centenarians. They are all over 100 years old. All the orneriness in the world isn't going to save them from drooling all over themselves. In fact there will be so much drool, that the elders will all fall down and break their fragile hips.

To paraphrase from I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, "A family of midgets isn't just a bunch of kids, it's a gang."

- ianl

Yes, they are elderly, but certainly not without their particular dangers. Have you ever driven around the east coast of Florida in the winter? It is loaded with the aged! Very dangerous aged. All behind the wheels of large, heavy automobiles. If they old guys get behind, they'll just go out and get their heavy cars and drive all over the dwarfs. And, they have the advantage of no remorse -- the next day they won't remember a damn thing!

- Paul Breslin

The centenarians have to win. Why? Experience. When you put them together, the centenarians have a combined 50,000 years of experience. 50,000! Yoda didn't even have 1000 years, and look at how tough he was! These centenarians have seen 2 world wars and several other ones. They should know tactics by now. The fight goes something like this:

The midgets run into the room. The wheelchair brigade (do you know how fast a motorized wheelchair moves?) executes a dareing flanking maneuver. The old guys with canes pile the droolers into an inpenetrable barrier, and then wait for the tiny midgets with the swords and guns hidden in their canes at the ready. The little old ladies form up in the rear with their Mace(tm) artillery, and open fire, opening a hole in the midgets ranks. Then the wheelchairs open up the razor-saw cutters on the sides of their wheels and come right down the middle. Instant midget fricassee. Then Willard Scott's toupee, which he borrowed from William Shatner after the Oscars, leaps off his head and begins to drain the life from the fallen midgets.

Centenarians in five minutes, with 100 centenarian fatalities (the droolers).

- Cory Davis, University of Kentucky

The midgets will hijack a clown car, pile in, and proceed to run the old people over. As the midgets drive out in triumph, they will trade a basket of watermelons for Willard Scott's toupee, bronze it, and put it in their Hall of Victory.

- Mr. MAC

Well, "Time Bandits" certainly demonstrated that midgets can defeat or otherwise outwit: Napoleon, Ogres, Timeless captivity, Robin Hood, Giant Bald Dudes, Greek Kings, Evil Incarnate, and The Supreme Being. They will have no trouble with a bunch of old people. Oh, sure, some will say "But the midgets got their ass kicked in midget wrestling..." but that was against Andre the Giant. Picture Andre wading through a sea of centenarians, leaving nothing but broken wheelchairs in his wake. He was a match for any force in the universe, no shame losing to him. I fear the "Life Alert" switchboard in Las Vegas will suddenly become overloaded. The few calls that make it through contain nothing but whimpers, with obvious mayhem in the background. The paramedics arrive only to find a field of carnage before them, really old carnage.

- Eric Klinker

(There! I somehow managed to resist the "I've fallen..." line, I don't know how but I did.)

it should be obvious to everyone that all midgets are instinctive wrestlers. sure, they may not all be good enough for the wwf (tm), but they know all the moves -- fireman's carry, sleeper hold, the dreaded figure four leg lock -- all of them. not only do i think that the midgets will win, but i am going out today and buying stock in whatever company does hip replacements.

- jeff

Now, let's assume that 3 out of every 5 Centenarians are useless veggies. If we assume that, it is probably a good assumption that many of the remaining 200 are war veterans that have chunks of meat larger than the midgets in their stool. These crafty nail-eating individuals will stop at nothing to achieve victory. They'll be stacking the 300 invalid Centenarians into foxholes and shield walls. They will drain the invalids' blood for plasma infusions that will better serve the active members of the united Centenarians. They will scalp their minature foes and hang their severed ears on a necklace before you can say "War crimes Tribunal!"...

Originally, I thought the centenarians would take this one. Their years of expererience and their combat experience from World War I (trench figting) would give them the edge in the brutal close quarters contest that the midgets' stubby arms would necessitate. Then, as I let my thoughts wander to my own grandparents, I thought about how they can never stop talking about their old war expereinces. The actual combat would go something like this. A midget takes a swing at some old guy, and misses pitifully. The old guy launches into a four hour story about how he was at Bellau Wood with the marines when they had to throw the Hun back into Germany. Every old guy around would feel it necessary to add in their own story. While they all are yarning, the midgets have enough time to get in shape, buy weapons from Cuba, and basically nuke the entire convention center.

The midgets win due to lack of war stories....

- Agent-13 at Lawrence University

If the Centurians could hold on for another few years they might be able to enlist the aid of Ronald Reagan, who would unite the U.S. against the midgets, and pass legislation to modify the star wars program to destroy everything under three feet tall.

- Galileo

The centenarians have a huge advantage here. Think of it this way - most of them were in their best fighting shape in 1916. Where did they learn to fight? World War One. In the first World War, fighting was a dirty hand-to-hand affair. Bayonettes and phalanx marches were the height of technology. The midgets have learned warfare in a world of smart bombs, radar, infrared, intercontinental misiles, and air support. None of those things will be at their disposal in this conflict. But the 100-year-olds will feel right at home with makeshift clubs and swords fashioned from crutches and canes. Look for that advantage to help the centenarians cary the day. Laffayette, we're back.

- Loss Leader

Knowing that they can't win the battle physically, the elderly folks try to win psychologically by turning off their hearing aids and playing Randy Newman's "Short People" at a very loud volume. Meanwhile, an industrious little guy goes into the kitchen and turns on the microwave oven, causing all the elderly people's pacemakers to fail. They all clutch their chests and fall over, becoming easy prey to the midgets. Thus, the midgets walk away unscathed, aside from a temporary hearing loss, slight dizziness, and a mild ringing in the ears.

- S. Lepper

To a midget, a wheelchair is what a Mac Truck is to the average human being! Especially if we are talking electric wheel chairs. The old guys will win before they even know it! And, let's face it, the midgets are also going to have to deal with the noxious gas warfare of the old "farts!" Didn't you ever wonder what that greenish haze was?

- J Cubed, University of Minnesota

Well, being that I'm a midget or "vertically challenged," I know the secrets of the midget. I have no doubt that the midgets would have no problem demolishing the centenarians! I'll admit that the centenarians are better armed then we are with walkers, canes and such, but it takes strength to swing a 40 lb wheel chair! Have you ever seen a skinny midget? Of course not! All midgets are buff, we all work out and we are all a part of "the midget movement." (it's a small movement) This is how it would go... The centenarians would start making their way towards the midgets after taking double doses of geritol (tm). One of the centenarians would yell "charge those little bastards!!" True, the midgets would be out numbered, but the odds were soon to change. Unfortunately when the centenarians yelled "charge those little bastards" half of them thought he said "grab some bags of mustard!" Off go half the centenarians to go look for some mustard. The midgets now make their move, one of the buffest midgets grabs hold of a wheel chair with a sleeping senior and starts ramming it into the other centenarians knocking them down like bowling pins. There is midgets stacked on top of each other smacking old men every where. The centenarians put up a sad fight getting a couple of cane hits, the only thing keeping them up so long was their depend (tm) undergarments padding their privates. (that's the key target for us midgets) when it was all over the smell of ben gay(tm) was in the air and the bruised and battered centenarians were scattered across the floor, either knocked out or sleeping. The victorious midgets gave each other low five's and kept the party going.

- Rich Grehalva

And in response...

You got it all wrong Shorty...As a senior citizen, or someone who is "youthfully deprived" there are a few things you should know.

1) We aren't above using our own to demolish you all. First, we would begin barraging you with an arsenal of applesauce and pudding.

2) Upon your instant loss of footing,(dozens of midgets flying around and slipping face-first in applesauce is a pleasent thought) we would send in a fleet of fast moving wheelchair guerrilla fighters. We would laugh gayly as our chairs rolled over your roly-poly little bodies.

3) We would then use our dentures in hand-to-hand combat and use them to bite you all in the hineys.

4) While you shout in agony and writhe in pain, we send in the Grey Beret's. They stuff volumes of Nitro-Glycerin, Geritol, El-Lax, and a host of other heart and blood pressure down your collective throats resulting in an immediate and swift death.

Finally, the centarians get together over a dinner of mashed potato's and lime jello and toast to your defeat as Max the Undertaker embalms your tiny portly bodies and buries them in breadbox-Caskets.

- Robert Bluestein

For every psycho 110 year old weightlifter, there are 100 grannies with osteoporosis and Dowager humps. Midgets in half an hour.

- Bryan M. Ball, University of New Hampshire

You know, pumping Willard Scott through the speaker system is an act of war. Obviously, this was done intentionally because the Centerarians feel they have the battle in the bag and I understand why. With the Immortals from Highlander, a flock of vampires, Shadows and Vorlons from Babylon 5, Spock, Rayden and several members of the Q Continuum on their side, who wouldn't be overconfident. They even have Santa Claus! Even with the expected infighting among the not-so-old Centenarians, they should be able to handle a numerically inferior group of Ewoks, Munchkins, Santa's elves, Midget Wrestlers (Lord Littlebrook LIVES!), Jawas, the butler dude from the Prisoner, the guy from Willow, Tatoo and a few Ferengi.

HOWEVER, they forgot the wild card - YODA. He may have been over a hundred years old for two hundred years, but he's been short forever. Before they know what hits them, Yoda will have them naked and penniless in front of the craps table and begging for their mommies. Meanwhile, the midgets will have Willard buried up to his neck in the desert and covered with A1 Steak Sauce just in time for the starving Wile E. Coyote (and a couple of large boulders) to fall on his head.


- Paul Golba

Tsk, tsk. Steve, Brian, you two are fine men with keen insight, but you keep on missing the IMPORTANT stuff! How could you forget one of the most powerful lobbying organizations in Washington, the AARP (American Association of Retired Persons)??? This one organization, some of whom are, yes, centenarians, has kept Clinton quaking in his shoes, Dole cowering in his closet, an entire CONGRESSFUL of (somewhat) younger men and women scared that if they even brush Medicare with a feather, they'll bring down the wrath of grandmothers scorned! Now, you don't get power like this without reason! Besides, when was the last time you heard of a midgets' lobbying group, let alone one with power? The AARP is one of the only lobbying groups almost guarenteed to have a constant fresh crop of supporters! Think about it!

Here's what I see happening: the midgets turn on Matlock and Paul Harvey as Brian predicted, when all of a sudden, the loudspeakers and TV screens explode in a hail of gunfire! The AARP Enforcers (all old men dressed in the same suits they wore in the 20's when they were still working as Mob hitmen) burst into the room, tommy guns smoking. "Kids today!" one of them wheezes. "Don't know any respect for their elders! Bet they don't even remember what Dillinger liked for breakfast!"

"Hey, we aren't kids!" one of the midgets yells.

The old guy shrugs. "Who cares? Eat hot lead, shorty!" The Enforcers then cut down all the midgets in a shower of bullets, the same sad fate that befell enemies like the original Red, Yellow, and Black Power Rangers (you didn't believe that story about them being fired, did you?) and the writer for _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_ who wrote that Mentos song parody ("Youth is better, in every situation! Youth is better, old is stupid!" And yes, the German wing DID kill Mentos' ad agency too).

The Enforcers look over their grim work, nod towards each other in acknowledgement of a job well done, and sit down to play canasta with their fellows.

- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa -- Better hope you get older. Quick.

Of course the midgets are going to win this one. I must admit, any woman over a hundred years of age will scare the snot out of me (it's always the feisty ones who live that long!) but their willpower is nothing when they can't stand without their canes. Have you seen them drive?! Old guys are altogether unable to coordinate a lane change, forget bending down to sock a smurf with an uppercut!

- Mia Haab

tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick

Leslie Stahl [not realizing she is on air]:

I can't believe that my story about Barbara Bush's nymphomania was replaced by Wallace's report on black-market shoelaces *and* you're making me introduce that flatulent old geezer... I'm on? Oh... Now a few moments with Andy Rooney, who has just returned from Las Vegas.

Andy Rooney:

Ya know what burns my wrinkled old ass? Everything! But more specifically, I want to spend the next five minutes ranting and complaining about the latest menace to society: midgets. I know you bleeding-heart and politically-enlightened liberals would rather that I use the term "vertically-challenged" or "persons of limited stature", but I won't. In fact, when the revolution comes and you're all lined up against the wall, I'll make sure that the midgets are there, standing next to your kneecaps!

I was attending a very nice, quiet, and proper convention in Las Vegas last week. The attendees were people just like me, with similar opinions and vitamin schedules. I am a rookie member of The Centenarians Society, so I can't say how other conventions have gone, but this year was a fiasco. Ruined by uppity adult ankle-biters. They came into our reception hall and started hitting us in the shins and on the knees. Short people, just like children nowadays, have no respect for their elders.

I was enjoying a talk by that fat Willard Scott fellow, when I was brutally attacked by some midget who obviously was still bitter about losing a role in The Wizard of Oz. Why can't midgets be more civilized? They have all the same body parts that normal-sized people have, just smaller versions. You don't see old people attacking other conventions. You know why? because we were raised the right way. Not like these new age midgets who were raised by non-spanking parents. I tell you, a good whooping every now and then will set those shorties in their place. We don't need to bludgeon them; like they did to my Society brothers and sisters. We just have to put them on our lap and give them a good old fashioned spanking. That'll set them straight!

Most of you are probably thinking that I'm some kind of monster. Really, I'm not. I just want short people to be seen and not heard. Or felt for that matter. Midgets will probably write me angry letters telling me how they want to be just like normal people. I don't object to midgets having jobs; there are plenty of bars that need midgets for dwarf-tossing competitions. I also don't mind if midgets want to live their lives peacefully; I just don't want them in my neighborhood. After seeing the number of centenarians they killed or left to die in their Depends (tm), I can't respect so-called people who are nothing more than pint-sized savages.

- HotBranch!

Gotta go with the over hundred crowd on this one. Plain and simple they have the entire support of the states of Florida and Arizona, since the population of both states is easily over 100. With the control of those two states also comes the control of Cuba and Mexico, respectively. The combined military power of Cuba and Mexico together should easily be able to destroy the midget(vertically challenged for the PC out there) contingent. It unfolds something like this. The geezers leave the hotel to contact their representatives back in their home states. They in turn contact the millitary leaders in Cuba and Mexico. 20 minutes later the first wave of carpet bombing comes in from Mexico wipping out the hotel where the midgets were prematurely celebrating. 30 minutes after that a follow up carpet bombing from the Cuban forces (They had futher to travel) completely destroys the hotel and much of the surrounding area.


The midgets, angered by the annoying voice of Willard Scott Listing off the many 157-year olds he seems to be to find. They come in biting, and good 'ol Willard is the first one to crack, screaming "OH MY GOD! THEY'RE LIKE A MILLION FIRE ANTS!!" The 115-year-old woman Willard was praising is next; she brains a few midgets with her cane, but she is soon covered by the furious midgets, with their Very Sharp Teeth(TM). The centenarians begin dropping likes flies, and within minutes the whole scene is a bloody wreck. Satisfied, the leader of the midgets wipes blood froms his mouth and proclaims "Alright, fellas! Back to the screening of The Wizard of Oz!"

- Dustin

Nothing against the midgets, but the geezers are gonna win it all. Somebody mentioned something about the Centenarians being cranky and ready to whip out their canes and break bad on the midgets. This fact alone made up my mind. I work in a Dairy Queen (tm) and I can tell you first-hand these Centenarians are lean, mean, fighting-machines. You should see how fast they reach across the counter to slap the hell out of the cashier who forgets the 25 cent senior discount on their order!

The midgets will give them a fight, though. They maneuver faster, and can outrun some old codger with no teeth. However, the Centenarians' Rolling Brigade (wheelchairs, people) will embarass the midgets on the field of combat. And let me tell you...seeing a midget after he's been plowed over by and old guy in a wheelchair with studded tires and four-wheel drive is not a pretty sight.

The only thing that can save the midgets from gut-wrenchingly gruesome defeat is if Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow shrinks down to four feet and begins showering the walls with 100-year old brains, but I don't think even that will provide a midget victory.

- Jonathon

This one was a toughie--Your color commentary had made both parties essentially equal.

Midgets have led a life of exploitation and mockery. Long ago enslaved by circus owners and dance-video creators, these puny people have long held a grudge against the tall free world. This will engender quite a hatred against anyone, especially the top of this nefarious pyramid of height, the old. Admittedly, old people are generally stooped and will not hold that large an advantage over the average midget.

However, on the old people's side is the inevitable yogurt-eating hundred-year old who worked out all his life and smoked and ate bacon every morning and is therefore incredibly healthy. These individuals are the ones you used to see on "That's Incredible!", those who would still run farms, lift trucks, etc. well into their old age, making us younger generations look bad. A few of these people will be more than enough to squash the midgets.

Finally though, the midgets will rise triumphant over their aged oppressors, simply because they are fighting the good fight. Old people KNOW they're useless. They know that they serve no practical purpose in society except to scare the hell out of the rest of us at how old we're going to get. Midgets will have the forces of justice behind them, and will therefore be victorious.

- Chris

I had to go with the midgets in this one. I point to the ability to walk upright under tables as a major tactical advantage. Those little devils can pretty much walk around unhindered as the tables provide perfect shields from flying crutches, oxygen tanks and the like. I forsee the winning strategy to be simply walking around and biting the oldsters' ankles and sitting back while infections do their work for them. The oldsters will not even know they're being defeated(if in fact they know there's a battle at all) because of the aforementioned sensory debilities and pain medication. I am an EMT and haul enough of these people to and from hospitals while they are only vaguely(sometimes not even that) aware of what solar system they reside in. I don't see Willard Scott being a factor as weather is not likely to affect the match nor are 100+yrs birthday announcements likely to raise the moral of anyone but the midgets. The only major hinderance to the midgets will be the occasional bite of a wheelchair tire instead of an ankle and putting up with the stench of decomposition.

- Kirk

Then the battle begun....

The leader of the midgets stood in front of all his troops preparing for battle with the centenarians. From around the cental fountin the leader of this gaggle of old farts rode up. He had just begin to delegate when the lead midget stuck out is quarter-inch finger and said, "What you did is inexucable!" He continued, "I demand you appoligize."

The head centenrian replied, "Never! It is not our fault you recived our kenote address!"

The lead midget yelled, "Prepare to die then!" turned to his troops and signaled the attack.

A line of centenarians were lined up, they reached into their fanny packs and pulled out their miscallanious bottle of medication, and opened fire. The hair-care products managed to take out a few of the midgets but they were pretty much full-force.

The leader of the centenarians thought to himself "This isn't working." "FIRE A GRAPESHOT!!"

The line of catapults which had been waiting on the buffet bar became active. Hundreds of false teeth were flying everywhere, striking down midgets by the dozens.

The midgets turned over a row of slot machines and took cover, even though, they had suffered major losses, they still had their moral up.

Just then, a horse and wagon rode up from the enterence. They midgets began rejoycing because they recognized this particular wagon as the one from Willow! The midgets opened the wagon to see it full of swords, vorpal swords at that, and armor, too!

The midgets began equiping themselves and began the attack! The midgets swung at the centenarians legs severing them off. They were cutting through them like butter! Walkers and legs (prostetics and real) were flying all over the place! Their canes could hardly hold out. The lead midget was standing on top of the main waterfall gunning what ever he could down with his auto-crossbow!

Just when the midgets thought it was over, the lead centenarian ran over to his secret weapon, a swimming pool full of Coccons (from the film non-other than Coccon)! He grew 8 times in size (and they thought the midgets were short before!) He was crushing them under his feet.

Just then, the midgets from the movie Time Bandits fall from their latest time warp. They came bearing blaster pistols and lightsabers from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away. They consentrated their fire on the collosus waltzer. BOOM!!!!! He fell apart like a soggy depends (tm).

It was a close one, the midgets had won. But they new that there would be more of them....

-Chris 'Cyan' Henderson

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Gary Coleman v. Webster
A Rottweiler v. A Rottweiler's weight in Chuihuahuas
Caine, the geriatric Kung Fu fighter v. Walker, the washed-up Texas Ranger

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