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The People's Court Judge Wapner


The Defendant

O.J. Simpson mug shot

The Proceedings

Voice: (Bongo drums in background) The case you are about to see is real. Both parties have agreed to drop their cases in California state court and have their dispute settled here -- in our forum -- The People's Court.

Doug Llewellyn: Welcome to the People's Court. Today, we have the case of the Homicidal Heisman Hero. The defendant is now entering the courtroom. Let's watch.

Rusty: Everyone rise for the honorable J. Q. Wapner.

Wapner: Please be seated. (To Marcia Clark) I see that you are charging the defendant with two counts of first degree murder.

Marcia: As you can see by the contents of this folder (hands manila folder to Rusty), we have many pieces of evidence linking the defendant to the murder scene. We have genetically linked the blood of the defendant to the blood of the killer at the crime scene, as well as blood of the victims found at the defendant's estate. We have a Bloody Glove (TM) which was found at the defendant's estate. A new pair of identical gloves fit the defendant perfectly. In addition, the defendant's current alibis conflict with those given at his arrest. The defendant also demonstrated his guilt by leading police on a low speed chase in a White Bronco (TM).

Wapner: That is very convincing evidence. How does the defendant respond?

Cochran: First of all, these accusations are the most preposterous, unfounded, and racially motivated that I've heard in all my years as a lawyer. Second, we can discount all this evidence as we have these tapes made of one of the detectives....

Wapner: Wait! What's all this about tapes? I didn't ask anything about tapes. Do you have these tapes with you?

Cochran: Well, er, no sir. But....

Wapner: Thank you, that's enough Mr. Cochran. (To Marcia Clark): You've built a very solid case, Ms. Clark, which has not been disproven by the defense. Now, you mentioned these new gloves which were identical to the ones at the crime scene. Do you have a receipt for these gloves?

Marcia: Well, er, no sir. But.....

Wapner: Thank you. I'll be back with my decision in a few minutes.

The Commentary

STEVE: I'll keep this short. There is one unwavering truth on The People's Court: If you don't have the receipt, you are screwed. In fact, this is the case-setting precedent in what seems like at least 75% of Wapner's cases. I guess that's California law for you. Since Marcia is sans receipt, OJ will go free.

On the way out, Doug Llewellyn will speak to both parties. OJ, will of course, be triumphant, and will be doing his end-zone dance for the camera. He'll high-five Doug and walk away a free man. Marcia, on the other hand, will talk to Doug, and explain it thusly: "I knew I should have gotten my hair redone for this trial." Of course, Rusty won't mind that she didn't have her hair redone. After the taping, Rusty will ask her out, and they will live happily ever after.

BRIAN: GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!!! This is a complete no brainer. Let's look at this systematically: 1.) We all know that O.J. is guilty. 2.) Judge Wapner is never wrong!!! End of story; wrap it up; game over; start fittin' O.J. for head electrodes. 'Ol Wapner brings the hammer down on the "Homicidal Heisman Hero" and gives him 20 years hard labor in the recently re-opened Alcatraz. After the 20, O.J. gets the chair. Now that's tough. Also, let's look at the transcripts: the Defense didn't even get a chance to speak (Thank God)! Marcia & Co. threw so much evidence at 'em, and we all know how much Wapner loves evidence, that the ONLY reason the Judge is retiring to his chambers is to allow for commercial time. True, the Prosecution had a major slip-up with not having the receipt for the gloves, but they've still got the DNA links and the White Bronco (tm) Fiasco (c).

My prediction: O.J. is removed in shackles (Rusty is pretty rough with 'em) and is not allowed to speak with Doug. Robert Shapiro and Flea Bailey blow past Doug with only a grunt while Cochran stops to give a 5 minute soliloquy about racially motivated something-or-other. Marcia comes out last, a triumphant smile on her face, and slaps Doug 20 seconds into the interview after he grabs her ass. Finally, Judge Wapner retires, sighting that the job had just gotten too easy.

O.J. Simpson and his bloody gloves (tm)

The Results

Guilty (486)


Innocent (139)

O.J. found guilty

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Voter Comments

OK, no question. Wapner will find OJ guilty.

The verdict: OJ must pay Marcia restitution for the gloves. The defendant always has to pay for the clothes on People's Court.

- Dave

Whether or not OJ is guilty, once you're in Wapner's house you play by his rules. To wit: the People's Court is a small-claims court. The maximum verdict is a $1500 dollar fine. Thus any attempt to bring OJ up on murder charges will fail. No doubt the Judge-man will come down hard on the prosecution for their foolish oversight. Ruling in favor of the defendant. Unfortunately, unlike real-life People's Court defendants, OJ's so-called "Dream Team" has failed to file a countersuit: i.e. OJ will have to foot those legal bills himself. The next day, OJ will be back in city hall turning himself in just to escape the creditors. End of story.

- Dave

I think one important thing has been lost in all your analysis: Judge Wapner (an unfortunate victim of attention-deficit syndrome) is unable to sit on the bench and concentrate on a case for more than ten or fifteen minutes. OJ's legal Dream Team (tm) is unable to even ask for permission to visit the men's room in less than an hour and a half, due to the prosecution not handing over the necessary briefs, hiding the bathroom keys, etc... Once they launch into their first "We will prove (blah, blah, blah >Legal stuff deleted<..." Wapner will have the entire defense team held in contempt of court for delaying the proceedings and Rusty (also with Roz and the entire team of dead bailiffs from Night Court) will have them all in leg irons breaking rocks out on I-10. Deprived on his crack legal team, OJ will have to take the stand himself. Marsha will then cross examine OJ thusly: Marsha: Please state your name for the record. OJ: James Orienthal Simpson Marsha: Tell me Mr. Simpson, and my I remind you that you are under oath, do you still beat your dead wife? OJ: Yes, uh.. no.. D'oh! That's it. Wapner comes back and sentences OJ to star in The Towering Inferno II as the theme to Dragnet stirs to life in the background.

- Brian Drake

this is a fuck'n good idea

- jon

Look at the pictures of the man, he has guilt written all over his face, well he did until my mum came along and told me stop drawing on the computer screen. Anyway he looks Guilty . I don't think he's guilty of murder mind you. I think the excitement of a Televised Trial , has caused him to wet himself, hell that'd make anyone feel guilty!

- poot shooter

He's guilty. Mind you, I've never seen people's court. How about some matches we can understand outside the states?

- Marcus.

Sorry. If you don't know People's Court, we don't see how you could follow any of the Grudge Matches. We are very biased (out of necessity) towards obscure Americana; that is the nature of the beast.

After thinking long and hard about this one, I decided not to vote. You see, Wapner would come back in to the courtroom after consulting his Magic 8 Ball and immediately declare a mistrial because the crucial piece of evidence, the "bloody gloves," actually belong to Rusty, the baliff. You see, way back when he was younger, Rusty went through the same ordeal, being accused of murdering his ex-wife. It turned out that he was in love with a man by the name of, oh, I don't know,.....WAPNER. The memories are too much for the poor old judge to take. He eventually breaks down and kills everyone in the courtroom with a spray of machine gun fire. Before he is able to ask the 8 Ball what to do, he drops it and cracks it in half. Mortified, he is taken away to the loony bin for the rest of eternity or until they stop showing the reruns from the trial.

Even without this sordid past, he would never be able to come to a decision with the regular Magic 8 Ball. He would need the special "OJ Verdict 8 Ball," due out at the conclusion of the trial. So hats off to toy manufacturers everywhere, Look what a mess you caused.

- Bison

There is only one way this can turn out: OJ will eventually be found innocent. Put yourself in the People's Court and look around. Wapner, Doug, and Rusty--they're all white guys. If Wapner finds OJ guilty, Cochran has obvious grounds for an appeal. In the resulting racially-charged atmosphere, there's no way a second judge would find the Juice guilty. Case dismissed.

Homicidal Heisman Hero? Nope, Johnny C. will turn this one into the Case of the Caucasian Kangaroo Court. Roll credits.

- Mark Kolb

Sorry Steve, but Brian's right on this time. The absence of the glove receipt will offset the lack of the tapes that Cochran claims to exist. Wapner will come back with a guilty verdict, but only after berating both parties for approximately 5 minutes for not having all of their evidence in order. Cochran will undoubtedly try to interrupt Wapner, which will force Wapner to let loose with a flurry of epithets aimed at the cowering Cochran. Rusty will have to restrain Wapner, the camera will have to pan North to the People's Court Seal above Wapner's bench, and Doug will be shown later with a swollen lip. All in all, quite a spectacular finish to an otherwise dull show.

- The Unix Guy

C'mon, Furmann said nigger only 41 times!!!! .....and Wopner isn't even gonna listen to the tapes...

'Sides, I think he's got a woody for Marcia Clark.

Byebye Juice. DNA does not Lie. Life is prison won't be so bad.

Think about it, three squares a day, color TV, NFL on Sundays, and "Rodrigo" will only require servicing three times a week. piece of cake.

- Doug

Hey, what happened to all the violence?

Anyway, this is a no brainer, no doubt, the lack of a receipt for the gloves was a setback, it is really quite elementary. The only evidence the defense had, was not only a ridiculous excuse for a Nixon flashback, it was also not there at the time. Now this really pisses the old man off. MC didn't have a receipt for the gloves, but I'm betting that Johnnie Cochran doesn't have a receipt for those tapes either! The receipts cancel out, leaving good ol' Wap with only one alternative. But just to make sure, since Judge Wapner "don' need no steeenking evidence" he goes to his chambers for the standard commercial break. During this time, he consults his Crystal Ball `o' Guilt TM(c) Then, while all of america is watching a Bounty paper towel commercial, Wapner comes out declares O.J. guilty, gives him the death penalty, then kills O.J. himself.

A sidebar: Robert Shapiro then files suit against Johnnie Cochrane in the case of Legal Technicality v. Ethnic Bias.

And one final note, Marcia is caught on camera coming on to Doug, who has to run to the bathroom and be ill, Rusty arrests Marcia for not changing her hairstyle often enough, and she is sentenced to wear Carrie Fisher's metal underwear from starwars and dance in front of Wapners desk during those pesky commercial breaks.

- ElGuardo

The only rule above the "no receipt and you're screwed" rule is the "anyone who brings a lawyer to the People's Court is guilty" rule.

- David Ranney

Fuhrman is a cop with a big ego. I tell you, if all cases were dropped because of egotistical policemen and policewomen, they would have room to rent in our presently overcrowded jails. The Judge slams OJ, sends him to jail for the rest of his natural life, fines him the maximum $2,500, places Kato in the Welfare/Work program and orders Ms. Clark to go to a professional hair stylist. NEXT CASE!

- Paul Golba

When I first read the headline for this matchup, I thought it was in some sort of fighting match between the two. Because at least there, OJ would have a fighting chance.

I can see it now...they all enter the ring, and OJ opens up with a devastating blitz of fury! He smacks into Doug first, with an elbow to the temple (hey, we all wanted to do it) and he resounding crack of skull sends the crowd into fits! But then, it's time for the Big Man: The Judge. OJ, realizing the daunting battle before him, pulls the Murder Weapon (tm) out of his wooden leg (no one thought to look there!) and gets ready to gut Wapner. But the Judge won't take this lying down. He reaches into those voluminous black robes and pulls out...a Machete! (He always kept it in there, just in case something got out of hand.) A fierce fight ensues, culminating in the Juice finally laying into the bloodied lawmaster enough to knock him over. OJ's about to finish the deed with a Rockingham Necktie, when he sees the one thing he's forgotten up till now...Rusty. The old Bailiff shoots him in the shoulder just so he has a chance to bitch-slap him first, before closing this case with a bang.

But, of course, that's not what's going on at all. Wapner comes back after the commercial, declares OJ guilty, and sentences him to the electric chair as the halftime show at the Superbowl.

- Jack Dracula

You guys forgot one important thing. Wapner likes pictures. He will come back into the room, summon Rusty the ever faithful bailiff to gather as many pictures as possible. Hidden in with these pictures will be a nude shot of Ms. Clark who will be hedging her bet. This will cause Wapner's robe to rise and his verdict to be guilty. An important side note, Doug's hair will not move for this entire proceeding.

- R. Lee

For once, you guys have cut to the chase without all the fluff. I am glad to see that but I do think you put too much weight on the receipt stuff. Wapner doesn't want a receipt unless you are trying to prove the amount of your loss (he tends not to believe the $1500 paint job on the '85 Honda Civic). He doesn't take much bullshit from people with a grudge like Cochran. I say guilty all the way and Wapner doesn't even get to say much more than "I have read your statements...".

- Ken Ackley

Sorry guys, no crazy response on this one. I voted innocent. I did so for a couple of reasons, which I'd ask you to think about.

1) Reasonable doubt. OJ's behaviour during this whole thing HAS been twitchy, but I'm afraid all the evidence to date is refutable. I couldn't vote guilty knowing that the possibility existed that I was dead wrong.

2) It's the minority (sic) opinion. I knew before I recorded my vote that most people would say OJ was guilty. Most of these people have neither done the careful study I have (the reason for which is another story), nor thought about it in terms more specific than "Black sports star kills white ex-wife." Besides the racial connotations, such thinking PRESUMES guilt. I can't do that.

You shouldn't do that either. Wish I could be less serious about this one. But this case is all out of proportion. And I find that when a man's freedom is on the line, I can't simply dismiss him...

- Darrin Barnett

We've noticed a disturbing trend recently in that many viewers are taking these Grudge Matches way too seriously. Please stop.

You guys didn't make this one easy! There are so many pieces of evidence that could make Wapner lean one way or another, it is really tough to say which way he will decide. Each side has so much going for and against them that we have to examine what each is bringing in to the People's Courtroom:

The plaintiffs have a bloody glove, enough DNA evidence to make Wapner's head spin, a barking dog, a televised low-speed car chase, and signed affidavits from dozens of experts that prove the defendant's guilt.

The defense has a Pro Bowl lineup of legal eagles, audio tapes showing that the investigator had it in for the defendant, an exercise video showing that OJ can barely move, eyewitnesses who are itching to leave the country, and a 1 to 1 ratio of signed affidavits to contradict the prosecution's experts thus proving the defendant's innocence.

It all comes down to what (if any) evidence will be actually examined during the 100 seconds Wapner will spend in his chambers (allowing for the yeast infection, snack cake, and hemorrhoid cure ads along with station identification). None of the evidence presented is considered because the affidavits would take to long to read, there is no receipt for the gloves, the defense doesn't have the audio tapes with them, DNA is mistaken as the name of a new rap band, the exercise video is VHS and Wapner only has a beta VCR, the barking dog and Rosa Lopez both speak a language that Wapner doesn't understand, and the car chase is not allowed since Wapner drives the same way.

So how will Wapner come to his decision? In his normal, highly educated, and clinical way: tails: OJ walks, heads: OJ's rolls. He flips the coin and he has his judgement. Returning to the bench after the commercial break, Wapner announces his decision: "I have weighed the evidence carefully and I have no choice but to find in favor of the plaintiffs." Start typing the decision under OJ's chin, he's gonna do time! As OJ is being led out of the courtroom, he manages to say the following words as he passes Doug Llewellyn: "I'm innocent. I played for the Bills! We choke, we don't slash throats!"

- HotBranch!

This one is simply undecidable because Judge Wapner, in a passion of shame (which I think we all share at this point) at the behavior of his legal colleagues working on this case, would obviously get an Uzzi and either shoot himself (if he's the suicidal sort) or grease both legal teams. In any event, if you don't allow some form of assassination or suicide (or any combination of the above), I just don't see how the rest of us can vote on this one.

- JM Massi,

He's innocent, I know it. My clairvoyant said so!

- "Me!!! It's ME! Can you handle that! Do you want to start a fight! What are you looking at, Fart features, I'll fight you!!!"

No, we did not make up this guy's email address.

Here are the rules for Peoples' Court.

You are screwed if: 1) You're black 2) You're a woman 3) You're an Asian store owner who can't speak English

Guess what? OJ's fucked.

- Shashi Malkani

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Kenneth Starr v. Bill Clinton (on Judge Judy)
Andy Taylor v. Cunninghams (child custody battle)
Gridiron Grudge Match

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