World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

April 9, 2001
I may have finally found the cure for the curse of the Hulk.

In a local coastal town, I have discovered a woman with a most unique physiology. Because of an unusual metabolism, her height to body weight ratio is unprecedented. If I can discover her secret, I may be able to use it to pacify my green curse.

However, the subject has been less than cooperative. Olive Oyl swoons at the sight of a needle so she will not provide a blood sample. Attempts at a more stealthy approach have been thwarted by open manhole covers and falling flower pots. But I must have her secret. Today, I will have it, one way or the other.

Later that day...

Popeye approaches Olive Oyl's house. "Won't Olive be surprised? She's goinsk ' to love these pearls. Well, she better considen' the g'ant oystor I had to beat up for 'em. Well, blows me down! The door's open. Let me let myself in, a guh-guh-guh."

Popeye enters the house to discover a groggy Olive Oyl sitting in a chair. A geeky fellow is preparing a syringe.

"HEY! What'd you do to Olive, you Palooka?! Git away from her!"

"Now wait just a minute. My name is Dr. David Banner and she's not in any danger--"

"Of course she ain't 'cause I'ms about to rough ya up." Popeye rolls up his sleeves.

"Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"O yeah!" Popeye slugs Dr. Banner across the room. In his pain, Dr. Banner transforms into the Incredible Hulk.

"Whoa! Where's me spinach?"

So which excitable expanding ass-kicker will be the example of excellence?

Popeye the Sailor Man


The Incredible Hulk
Dr. David Banner, The Incredible Hulk

The Commentary

STEVE: Popeye may be briefly taken off guard by the sudden appearance of a green bodybuilder in Olive's living room, but he will quickly mop the floor with The Hulk.

The first obvious reason is, of course, speed. Except when he is running away from the mayhem he has created, the Hulk always moves in slow motion. Popeye, on the other hand, moves with effortless speed. He could take the Hulk and form him into a ball, bounce him a few times, and then punch him into a nearby water barrel before the Hulk even knew what was going on, all the while mumbling to himself various undoubtedly witty thoughts under his breath.

Another reason is intelligence. Sure, Popeye may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but compared to the Hulk/Banner, he is a virtual genius. Let's look at Dr. Banner: This so-called "Doctor", who is supposedly smart enough to understand radiation effects on human biochemistry, is too stupid even to close the door on his homemade microwave oven. And then, when he transforms into the Hulk, he has even less intelligence and common sense. Case in point: Even a deaf professional bodybuilder is able to act as the Hulk, which isn't saying much. Hulk won't comprehend what's going on (as usual), and will become easy prey for Popeye.

All I gotta say is that this particular green giant better go back to selling vegetables.

PAUL: The Hulk is TOO SLOW to fight Popeye? While slow motion is a lame gimmick from the seventies (which you didn't object to in Robocop v. Six Million Dollar Man), it is hardly a sign of sloth. The Hulk beats the crap out of his opposition so quickly, if it wasn't for the slow-mo the TV show would only be 5 minutes long. We need the time to appreciate hapless goons being flung into the air with half the bones in their body broken, only to break the other half when they impact with the cardboard furnishings. (NOTE TO READER: Please, DO NOT TELL DON KING OR DON'T BLAME ME AT THE NEXT PPV.)

As for intelligence, while "HULK SMASH!" may not be the most complex strategy ever conceived, it sure is effective. He's gone toe-to-toe with Superman, defeated the Thing and once even knocked Wolverine UNCONSCIOUS! Meanwhile, Popeye's main opposition is Bluto, a fat slob who regularly pummels the sailorman from pillar to post until the spinach appears.

Considering Popeye's lifestyle, it's no wonder he's a wimp. First, he's a sailor and is most likely riddled with scurvy and all sorts of exotic venereal diseases. Second, he's been smoking that pipe for over half a century. I doubt he can jog more than a hundred yards without spitting up a green and red ball of mucus. He only dates Olive Oyl because she is light enough to carry over the mantle and he has Lowered Expectations™. The enlarged forearms say it all.

And do not belittle the power of green. With his connections with the Jolly Green Giant, the Hulk can effectively cut-off the spinach supply to the area, removing any chance Popeye has. If necessary, the "It's Not Easy Being Green Coalition" could be called upon. Kermit the Frog and Oscar the Grouch could block "Sesame Street", thus depriving Popeye of the only entertainment he understands. And Popeye doesn't want to mess with Ralph Nader. Just ask Al Gore.

After Big and Green is done with him, Popeye will, indeed, live in a garbage can.

STEVE: Lifestyle?! Lifestyle?! Believe me, a sailor's lifestyle is far healthier than David Banner's lifestyle: roaming from town to town, eating in seedy greasepits, hitchhiking in the driving rain and bitter cold, carrying his worldly possessions in an unergonomic 70's backpack, and never being able to truly rest from the relentless pursuit of Mr. Magee. It's amazing that Dr. Banner hasn't dropped dead by now, even without Popeye's help.

I agree that "Hulk Smash" has moments where it is effective (i.e. intimidating the cops in a backwater town, or overturning a wrecked car), but certainly not in this case. Popeye is a sailor. He has the best hand-to-hand training that the U.S. Navy has to offer. And he has honed his skills in fight after fight, and defeated Bluto time and time again. Let's face it-- the Hulk is nothing more than a green Bluto, except a little stronger and a lot slower and a lot stupider. Just like a skinny Bruce Lee can defeat, say, a big sumo wrestler, so will Popeye defeat the Hulk.

Finally, there is the magic of the Popeye name that holds much mystical power. Did you know that Popeye's Chicken, now the 2nd largest chicken chain in the world, nearly went out of business before they changed their name from "Chicken on the Run" to "Popeye's"? Again, if we look at Popeye's name, it actually reads "Pope yes". Indeed, Popeye harnesses the power of the Pope (who is by definition infallible), and the might of JC and the Catholic church. Obviously God is on his side, not the Hulk's. With such forces working for him, how can he possibly lose?

PAUL: Popeye can sell fried chicken? Does he sell buttermilk biscuits too? While Colonel Sanders may be somewhat concerned, I fail to see how this skill will be helpful when the Hulk is jumping up and down on Popeye's head. The only advantage I can see is that a lifetime of fast food could cause a massive coronary, thus putting the sailor out of his misery.

Considering the U.S. Army has committed significant military resources to defeating the Hulk and has produced mediocre results, how can one Navy man expect to defeat him? Of course, Popeye is in the Navy, not the Army. Yes, he is a proud member of the same branch that has also accepted such great fighters as Donald Duck, Don Knotts and Tom Arnold. Need I mention who sings the unofficial Navy theme song "In the Navy"? The Village People! This is hardly encouraging when going up against the living embodiment of Masculine Rage.

And, finally, the Hulk embodies the spirit of the WWWF. The Hulk doesn't do commercials or sing little ditties or romance Kate Moss wannabes. HULK SMASH! Repeatedly. How can one argue with that? You can? Then let me elaborate. How can one argue with that and still have the working arms to vote in a Grudge Match™? Hmm?

Vote for the Hulk or learn to use the mouse with your nose.

Yes, we mean Dr. David Banner, since the primary reference is to the live action TV series. However other Hulk incarnations are fair game, including Dr. Bruce Banner.

Thanks to Whit Fisher for suggesting this match.

The Results

Popeye the Sailor Man

Popeye (2133 - 51.5%)


The Incredible Hulk

The Incredible Hulk (2005 - 48.5%)

A few people (in Toronto, Titusville, UC-Davis, and elsewhere) got a little overzealous
with the voting, mostly in favor of the
Hulk. Even though it didn't affect the outcome,
those votes were thrown out. Shane, the former Independent Counsel, has threatened to
leave his cushy appointment at Pepperdine to come after any future violators.

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

Voter Comments

Thanks for all the great responses! Due to the high volume, we had to dust off the
Iron Fist™ once again. Fortunately, we didn't eat spinach or overdose on gamma
radiation, so it was just your typical, mortal, run-of-the-mill Iron Fist™.


Here you have two of the most sophisticated, cunning, tactical minds in history, squaring off against one another. When two intellectual giants like this square off, not even Gary Kasparov can keep up. I'm imagining the fight will start with the pair of geniuses engaging in some light prefight banter, while simultaneously taking painstaking care to make sure their suggestive undertones address the opponent's weak points. However, I believe the fight may actually come down to a physical confrontation. In that case, we need an equation.

Let X equal the number of cans of spinach in the known universe. Let Y equal the number of times the Hulk can possibly get "angrier" without succumbing to an aneurysm. Since the Hulk gets stronger when he gets angrier (designated [Zi r = Zf]) and Popeye's spinach ability allows him to attain a level above his opponents strength ([Zi+1 = Zf],) the only way one of these combatants is going to lose is if the source of their power gives out. Thus if X is greater than Y, Popeye wins. If Y is greater than X, the Hulk wins. This is relatively untenable until one realizes that Olive Oyle is present in the room. Since that is the case, and theorists have speculated that Olive is in fact Female, there will be twice as many X chromosomes in the Room as Y chromosomes. Since X > Y, Popeye wins.

- bandgasm

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Wait, doest mine ears decieve me?!? Did someone attempt to do a battle of THE RAGE(tm)? This is ALMOST what I wanted, but I'll go ahead and write some verse for it anyhow.

As the hulk reared back his head, And let forth his great yell,
Popeye didst open his spinach can, And downed it with one swill,
The 2 strong men in children's shows, Were ready to square off,
But then, as they exchanged first blows, A professer in the corner coughed.
He said, "As you can see from this diagram, The multiverse hast been breached,
And because of your two meeting, The surrounding place has reached,
A critical mass, as you might say, And it will start to fill,
With heros who are just like you, And will keep on filling until,
One, triumphant, blazes forth, And he defeats you all,
And so, I say, get yer raincoat on, Because the multiverse's about to squall!
And they fought a bit, and then a flash, Of white, and another man,
Who was dressed in leather, and looked much better, Than any old slice of Spam.
Hercules ran in with zeal, and beat upon the two,
When suddenly he was struck from behind, As Conan arrived there new.
And he in turn was struck in the face, By a lightning-speed bare hand,
And with his red cape streaming, In came Superman!
They came and they came, without a stop, Each hero after the next,
When a portal suddenly dumped out a man, And everyone stood vexed.
The figure stood, without a sound, With fire in his eye,
And he reached down and straightened his ring, And he shouted "TIME TO DIE!!!"
His 'fro was huge, his biceps large, And the rest all cowered in fear,
Then the frightning man from A-Team smiled, And belted forth, "C'MERE!!!"
They all did run, and run some more, And the man moved not,
He had no need to kill other heros, They'd all be needed, or whatnot.
So he turned his neck, which cracked, And hit Popeye on the head,
And got the blood sample for Hulk, And this is what he said:
"I know you've got a problem, And so, this is for you,
You've got the goods, now go and scram, Or else, I pity da foo'."
And Popeye awoke with a terrible ache, And was as placid as could be,
The moral of the story? Don't screw around... When you're dealing with MR. T!

- The Mad Josher

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

POPEYE: So, ya likes takesk'n dames, do ya?

HULK: Rrrrrrr!

POPEYE (as he pulls back for a haymaker): I'm sendins ya back to yer cave ya big ape.

HULK: Rrrrrrr!

[POPEYE's fist hits The Hulk's chest with the sound of broken glass. He lifts up his hand and it 's red, throbbing, and twice its size.]

HULK: Rrrrrrr!

[HULK swats POPEYE with his pinky embedding him into the wall. HULK carries OLYVE over his shoulder and outside. She has a death grip on the doorway. Even though her body is moving, her arms keeps stretching longer and longer to hold on to the doorway.]

HULK: Rrrrrrr!


[Next to the knocked-out POPEYE is a picture on an end table of POPEYE and OLYVE. The picture of POPEYE hears OLYVE screaming. He jumps out of the picture, pulls out POPEYE's can of SPINACH and feeds it to him. Normal "POPEYE eating his spinach" music plays.]

HULK: Rrrrrrr!

[POPEYE wakes up. He comes flying into HULK. HULK winds up to hit POPEYE. Before he hits, POPEYE uppercuts him into the sun. We hear HULK scream, then we see something fall from the sky. What hits the ground is a pyramid of green paint cans, and a sign that says "SALE!"]

POPEYE (singing):The Hulk may be greener, but I am the winner*. I'm Popeye the Sailor Man (toot, toot!)

* Pronounced "weener"

- Muchsarcasm, not the guy that did that cool voicer over for the old Hulk show.

"I'm strong to the finish, 'cause I eats me spinach, I'm Popeye the... AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHGHHHHH!!!" *crunch, splinter, crush, other wet squishy sounds*

Banner:"Well, I'll be damned, that guy popeye sure deserves his name." *pops eyeball into mouth and walks away...

- Zog, the Secret Voice of the Monkey Underground

Some of you may not know that at Islands of Adventure in Orlando, Florida, there are two rides that stand out: The Hulk- a rollercoaster than shoots you cannon-like from 0 to 60 in .5 seconds then sends you screaming through loops and twirls. Popeye's Blige-Rat Barges- a white river rapids adventure that leaves you entirely soaked for the whole day whether you like it or not. Now, think about this for a minute... Which is deadlier? Being shot out of a cannon or being splashed with water? The Hulk wins and Popeye is beaten to death by wet and angry park-goers.

- Jessie "I'm still pissed off about that one" Calliopa

The Army/Navy contrast: Ever watch Ducktales? Donald Duck, who should have killed Daffy Duck, was in the Navy at least twice as long as he was in the Army. Anywho, onto the fight. Popeye will win. Think of it this way. Popeye may not be as strong as the Hulk, but he is the most precise fighter I've ever seen! When the Hulk punches a pile of logs, the go up in the air and land as another pile of logs. However, when Popeye punches a pile of logs, they land as a log cabin with a working fireplace! No way the Hulk can fight with that accuracy! It starts with the Hulk knocking over a brick wall, making all the bricks fly at Popeye. Popeye will punch all the bricks back at him, forming a fortress around him. Spinach in tow, Popeye will barage the now-blinded Hulk with punches that would make Superman blush with jealosy.

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

I'm tired of people bashing the military. They are the toughest and baddest people on earth, as any Tom Clancy fan knows. Mr. T and the A- Team were commandos in the military! The army or navy could easily nuke/bomb the Hulk. His regenerative powers don't work when he's DEAD AND SCATTERED AROUND THE PLACE! We know that Popeye will start out fighting, but then the big guy is gonna knock him off aways, just like Hulk does. Popeye then eats spinach because he knows health is important (as any good Popeye fan knows, he doesn't smoke a pipe, he just likes the toot of it). Even if there's no spinach he will have to settle for eating the nearest organic green thing: the Hulk! Although the Hulk is quite a formidable opponent (beating Wolverine is unimportant though, I think Wolverine is a wimpy braggart who always jumps in and gets knocked around and deserves it too) he won't fare so well when Popeye starts eating him and absorbs his DNA like She-Hulk did as her origin.

Also, Hulk won't WANT to win! He doesn't want to be the Hulk anymore! When he reverts back he will be able to talk it over with Popeye and find a happy solution (Popeye is an old comic strip, it has to happen). Also, we know real beats fake (both have been comics, cartoons and live-action movies) and Popeye's muscles are real. If Banner was really exposed to that kind of radiation he would be dead. He will die the same reason John Wayne did (although Wayne definitely should have beaten Clint Eastwood!). Popeye has all natural and reliable muscles. Plus, those reatards, Donald Duck and Village People have no actual affiliation with the Navy. The Navy is now using music by Godsmack. Godsmack get's their name from an Alice in Chains song, and Godsmack recently went on a tour with Static X, Cold and Stained. Stained is down with Limp Bizkit, and even if you think they're a bunch of poseurs, they have a lot of connections and power in the music business. Speaking of connections, the Marines (the baddest of the baddest of the baddest) are affiliated with the Navy. All the armed forces help each other out, plus we are often aided by the U.N and NATO, which now have no competition from the Warsaw pact. There is no way the Hulk can withstand all of this. Even if he survived he will eventually have to return to his form as Bruce Banner or at least take a crap. As we saw from Jurassic Park, you are completely defenseless when on the john.

- Noman

"Hulk will smash Navy man!" the green behemoth yells, as he advances.

"Not untilsk you've had a knucklesk sandwich, a gu gu gu gu!" Popeye yells, fists in the air.

"Hold it, you too!" Olive Oyl jumps inbetween them. "Wouldn't you two feel better after sharing a delicious Hostess Fruit Pie?"

Hulk takes a tenative bite of a Lemon Fruit Pie. "Me like! these are good!"

Popeye concurs, blowing small mushroom clouds out of his pipe after a bite of Cherry. "Yowsa! These real fruit fillings are betta than any fight, a gu gu gu gu!"

"See boys, there's no reason to fight, thanks to hostess Fruit Pies!"

"Now in spinach, a gu gu gu gu!"

- Kilgore Trout

For now, let's ignore your use of "David" Banner; I'll just read that as a typo. Now, due to the fact that comic fanGIRLS are never wrong, I'll tell you why Doctor Bruce Banner will kick Popeye's arse six ways from Sunday. Let's see who the Hulk's got:

For starters, Peter David. A writer who can make Star Trek characters likeable. Yep, he's that good. He now writes Captain Marvel, arguitably one of the funniest Marvel titles out there. He also wrote The Incredible Hulk for about...Let's see...12 years. That stint is rivaled only by Chris Claremont's Uncanny X-Men run. That one lasted 17 years. Who says you outgrow comics?

Now, onto those allies...

Captain Marvel. I'm talking about the modern one. Not the "SHAZAM!" one (What's that guys' name now, anyway? Captain Marvel? Shazam? Captain Shazam?) or the Mar-Vell Kree guy. The modern one is named Genis and is bonded to Rick Jones, the Hulk's ex-sidekick. He can fly faster than the speed of light, shoot energy blasts, and he's got cosmic-level awareness. (No, I don't know what it means either. But it's really spiffy!)

Doc Samson, the only competent modern psychiatrist, made his debut in The Incredible Hulk. He's a cool character: nigh-invulnerable, strong, and can defeat an enemy by making him revert to his/her inner child, then sucker-punching them into next week when they're sobbing about the cruelty of it all. Also, the Hulk is currently part of the Defenders. They've got Namor, the ORIGINAL mutant (Not Professor X, as some may think) and a Prince of Atlantis. Before you stop me with your "Aquaman couldn't even beat Tarzan!" argument, think about this: Namor has Attitude™. He's got so much of it he needs a capital 'a' and a TM! Plus, Kevin Smith'll direct him. No way Kevin Smith loses.

Doctor Strange. He's a magician, the best one in the entire Marvel Universe™. Drawn by Steve Ditko, both guys have worked with Spider-Man and Stan Lee. Spider-Man. Stan Lee. What more do you need? (If I can ignore Tarzan/Aquaman, I'll ignore Spider-man/Tick!)

The Silver Surfer. Only one adjective for this guy: "Spiffy™." Does the phrase 'Power Cosmic' mean anything to you? No? Let's see you rebuttal when you don't have a continent or you're a sponge. This guy's totally indestructible, can fly at Warp Factor 10 (You KNOW that's fast), and he's got the best soliloquies since Hamlet.

Now, to be fair, I'll say that Popeye has gotten some. In Tijuana Bibles. If Ms. Oyl doesn't do the Hulk's work for him and beats up her husband over cheating on her, modern porn collectors and workers will. Don't get me started on spinach. The Hulks' cousin, The Jolly Green Giant™, will nail Popeye for promoting spinach without a license if Popeye so much as reaches for the can opener.

There you have it. If THIS isn't Grudgie™ Material, I don't know what is.

- Rainwoman

Popeye vs. The Incredible Hulk? This is the most lopsided match I've seen in several months, almost to the caliber of Enterprise vs. Death Star. Banner and The Hulk have had a manga series for a couple decades now, and one thing has remained almost absolutely constant throughout: the Hulk NEVER loses a fight. If the Hulk gets beat up, he gets stronger, not weaker. His power is running off the supressed internal anger of a science geek who was abused as a child! No wussy power source like a yellow sun for this guy! In the decades the Hulk has had a comic, there's really been only one way to neutralize him: you must calm him down. That's right. Getting punched in the face by Titania, a supervillain who can bench press 85 tons, barely gave him a headache. If you want to beat the Hulk, YOU MUST SHOW HIM A CUTE PUPPY! Or a kitten. Something cute. And Popeye doesn't have anything cute. There has never been anything cute in the history of Popeye cartoons. Just ugly, which is not a quality that can defeat the Hulk. Popeye may be invulnerable as long as he has his amphetamine-laced spinach, but his high only lasts a short time. The Hulk can last forever. This is the guy who beat the entire expanded Avengers' roster, with literally dozens of members, including but not limited to a few gods. This is the guy who beat the entire expanded X-Men roster, who crushed The Politically Correct Justice League (Superfriends) in a previous Grudge Match. Once Popeye runs out of spinach, his only real hope for survival is that some portion of his bloody body is retrieved (assuming any part of it can be found) by the then-calm Dr. Banner in a fit of guilt after the battle, who then proceeds to use his scientific acumen to resurrect the smelly old drug addict sailor. Short version: The Hulk can only be beaten by being shown cute things, like puppy dogs. Popeye is not cute. Therefore, Popeye shall die.

- The Kobold Overlord

Ok, Now both of you know nothing about the Hulk. And so I'll enlighten you, also on Popeye(who has no power as the pope what-so- ever).

Popeye the Sailor Man has statues for him. Real statues. Don't believe me. HAH go to Chester Illinois, Crystal City Texas or Lowell Arkansas!

Popeye has toys from long ago(way before I was born...) that value in the thousands.

Popeye has his own brand of Spinich(Which might I add does nothing for the muscles and in fact tastes like all other types of Spinich.)

Popeye has his own brand of vitamins, minerals and other 'healthy' substances(known to the rest of the world as...suger pills)

Popeye has is own stamp!! HIS OWN STAMP...SERIOUSLY, that ranks up their with the President(ok, so that's not the best example...the president isn't the best). That ranks up there with...Large Amounts of money that you got legally.

Now to Hulk...

He has...absoluty nothing in the way of statues or buildings.

The Hulk has toys from about a year ago, all that break apon touch...Not good at all. Little children could hurt themselves with those...what am I saying, who would play with those annoying Hulk toys!

The Hulk, although he is a green giant he is not in any way shape or form related to the Green Giant(tm). No food for him...

The Hulk has no items that could be considered 'good'.

In short, the Hulk really has nothing good made for him or anything like that, but I voted for him. Because....HE COULD BEAT THAT PUNY WEAKLINGS BRAINS IN! With one hit Popeye is gone, and The Hulk stomps on the dead body, once again saving the world from an evil, sadistic menace!

- Steven, Clinically Insane

I can tell you one thing: If Rob Liefeld ends up drawing this match, these two schmucks are gonna be too constipated to even MOVE let alone throw a punch!

- cygnia

Steve brought up the awesome power of the Popeye name for food, but he forgot its even more awesome power -- in third-grade playground humor! (tm) Every day, third graders around the world are reciting those awful rhymes that make my head want to explode, even worse than the Cheeky British Humor (tm) of last match. All Popeye has to do is sing some dumb thing like, I'm Popeye the sailor man I live in the Vatican I smoke some dope and I go moon the Pope I'm Popeye the sailor man! (toot toot) and geeky David Banner's brain, better at dealing with rational stuff like nuclear physics, will shut down in self-defense. Heck, even Matt Groening included all these rhymes in his Life in Hell (tm) series, and if the creator of the Simpsons cannot resist their power, can a 70's TV character with multiple personality disorder do it?

- le schmuck

The Hulk was played by Lou Ferrigno. The only makeup needed was green makeup and a wig. Popeye was played by Robin Williams. I respect the answer, but he had more pancake on his face and arms than a stinkin' IHOP! I think Popeye will have a little trouble getting those arms up to slug Ol' Greenie.

- The Invincible Meltron

I’m sure lots of Hulkamaniacs will mention The RAGE (tm) in their self- deluding rants in support of their big green buddy. I’m here to tell ya that it’s all a load of crap. Sure, The RAGE (tm) is a force to be reckoned with, but Banner isn’t the only one familiar with the subtle nuances and power that The RAGE (tm) can bestow upon a man. Banner messed with Popeye’s girl, and you just don’t do that. Once The RAGE (tm) is out of the equation it all boils down to raw talent. Which combatant has the creativity to take out the other first? On any other day, I’d have been all for the green guy. The problem is that this isn’t the classic comic book Bruce Banner Hulk we’re talking about here; it’s DAVID Banner, the wussie TV Hulk. He’s the color of pea soup. He has a serious hairstyle problem. In short, he sucks. Still not convinced? TV Hulk, Dr. David Banner: - has The RAGE (tm) after being walloped by Popeye - is barely strong enough to tip over a car - has no allies, unlike comic Hulk. Unless you count the occasional wound-licking dog. - can be hurt, unlike the nigh-invulnerable comic Hulk - is easily distracted - has died (in the final made-for-TV Hulk movie he fell from a helicopter) - sucks Popeye, the Sailor Man: - has The RAGE (tm) upon seeing Olive Oyl in distress - is spinach-powered, enabling him to effortlessly tie steel girders into bow-ties - has many spinach-powered allies (nephews, ruggedly-bearded Pappy, excessively-bearded Granpappy, and a pet, um, something... ) and Wimpy, who’s always good for a laugh - is invulnerable, once he’s had his spinach - is his own distraction (mutters constantly, presumably in deep, meaningful conversation with his invisible pet, Gleep) - has not died - does not suck This fight will be over before you can say "Go Navy!"

- Spoo Monkey

I'm sorry, as much as I love old cartoons, Popeye loses this one on his Navy affiliation. The motto says it all: "We never leave our buddies' behinds."

- King Chuckles III

Suddenly this is looking a lot like X-Men vs Superfriends. Sure Hulk kicks great green gobs of ass, but lets face it...his record is far from perfect. People who've whipped the Hulk's ass include (but aren't limited to)... Superman, Spider Man, Wolverine, Thor, Dr. Doom, Thanos, Juggernaut, etc the list goes on and on...

On the other hand...the people who've whupped Popeye's ass are...NO ONE!!! When have you ever seen a Popeye cartoon end with Popeye walking off into the sunset licking his battle wounds and contemplating his bitter loss to Bluto and his anger to slow piano music. Freakin never thats when. Popeye NEVER, I repeat NEVER loses...yeah sure he may take a whuppin for 20 or so minutes...but no matter how bad it gets...theres always some spinach around..ready and wating to turn Popeye from scrawny little white guy to a geeked out muscle bound steroid charged freak! Plus in Popeye the continuity is matter what happens in an episode...its all forgotten by the next Popeye wont be bring any baggage into this fight, unlike David(Bruce) Banner, who'll be worrying about everything from how this weeks sidekick is going to die in an unfortunate accident to whether he left the oven on in the house he slept in 4 towns back.

Bottom line: Popeye may take a bit of a beating, but eventually hes going to get knocked into a food pantry or the like, and then Popeye is going to literally open up a Del Monte can of ass whuppin on the lemon lime freak, suck it down his pipe, and preach the gospel of Popeye 3:16 to the Hulk's candy ass...Cause Hes Popeye the Sailor Man! Toot Toot!

- Providing a valuable service...ridding the world of sucky ass heroes...

In the long history of cartoon and comic good-guy versus good-guy battles, the path of the battle always follows an established and time-honored (worn?) tradition. Since this is not a good-team versus good-team battle, we can ignore the precidents set by X-Men versus Alpha Flight, and focus instead on the single versus single good guy precidents set by such historical battles as Wolverine versus Spiderman and Superman versus Batman. In ALL cases, the two good-guys begin fighting on behalf of their personal causes (in this case Popeye's love interest and Hulk/Banner's scientific interest in Olive) and the battle rages with no clear victor until one of two events happens: 1) A common enemy or cause arises. 2) A third good party interrupts. This interruption ALWAYS takes it's source from the world of the home team good-guy, in this case Popeye.

Common Enemy
Within the Popeye universe, there is only one bad-guy, in the form of Brutus. The classic Brutus MO is to steal Olive in the chaos and spirit her away until taken out by Popeye. In such circumstances, the good-guys always join forces to save the day and end up on agreeable, or at least neutral terms in the end. This is very un-grudgematch and thus need not be considered here.

Good Party
There are a number of "good-party" alternatives, either Olive interrupting or some other Popeye-universe character wandering through the melee. In all cases, Popeye will react to save his friend or girlfriend while the Hulk, being too dense to recognize an innocent in the heat of combat, will continue to pummell the sailor. While Popeye might be able to give the Hulk a run for his money in a one on one fight, he cannot protect the innocent and fight at the same time. The Hulk, however, has shown time and time again that he cares little for bystanders until after reverting back to Banner, who is constantly left to clean up the damage. Thus, following the historical patterns, Popeye cannot win.

- Tirdun

I like this one. I just envision it spoken in a British Historian's accent. - Ed.

I notice that popeye's only significant muscle mass is in his forearms. Those happen to be the muscles that control movement of the fingertips.

Unless he's planning to tickle the Hulk to death, Popeye doesn't have a chance.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism

There's the fact that the Hulk, though a superhumanly powerful icon of science fiction, is still beholden to the laws of physics (If not the laws of common sense, as suggested by the numerous seemingly intelligent people who've had David Banner all but transform into the Hulk right before their eyes and still didn't realize there was any connection between the two.) the ultimate proof of this being the TV movie "The Death of the Incredible Hulk," in which the Hulk was killed by a fall from an airplane. Popeye, being a cartoon, is not. No matter how badly the Hulk beats, mangles or pummels the spinach chomping sailor man, he wil always bounce back at the last minute to win the day against seemingly insurmountable odds, as he has hundreds of times before.

Hell, the coolest thing the Hulk ever did was trash a courtroom in "Trial of the Incredible Hulk," and that was just a dream sequence. Lame.

In the end it comes down to this. Popeye has beaten the odds time and time again without fail for over half a century. All David Banner ever managed to dp was wander around the country for fifteen years getting nothing done before finally capping it all off by dying a stupid death.

- Don "King" Milliken

Hulk, The; (1)n, Large, Irrational Green Man that once was mild mannered doctor. (2) adj, See also RAGE, The (tm). RAGE, The (tm); (17)Phrase, HULK SMASH! Have you ever seen someone with gigantic forearms and no bicep/tricep muscles win a fight? Neither have I. Besides, notice how The Hulk is already P.O.ed and Popeye can't find his spinach yet. Bad times for the Sailor Man, for sure. After all is said and done, Dr. Banner will be able to find out what keeps Olive Oyl so thin - Plenty of Iron!

- Hurricane Andrew

The Hulk lumbers up and roars in a fit of anger while Popeye ad-libs something like "huh, think yer king-kong, uh?" without moving his lips. Suddenly, Popeye is replaced by a mammoth green fist and a sailor-shaped hole is knocked into the wall of Olive's living room. Popeye pops his head in through the hole, steam coming out of his ears and pipe, and then... the madness begins. You see, the Hulk and Popeye have one thing in common. They are both drug addicts! Obviously, we know of Dr. Banner's drug intake (at least it was some kind of weird chemical he drank in one of the cartoon versions) that caused his anger to manifest itself; but Popeye is most certainly a steroid user (not to mention various other drugs) ! Look at those funky arms, plus (at least in the old cartoons, the only good ones) he OFTEN pounded the living crap out of wild animals and guys 3 times his size even BEFORE ingesting spinach! Not only that, but he often flips from a lovably cranky old sailor to an insanely bitter one! We're talking ROID... RAGE! Anyway, the sudden burst of anger triggers an LSD flashback in our squinty-eyed cartoon hero and the Jolly Green Gian-- I mean Hulk, being green instantly materializes into non other than a huge SPINACH MAN! Popeye advances on the Hulk, chlorophyl-lust in his eyes. The Hulk Smashes(TM) and Bashes(TM) endlessly, but to no avail! Within seconds, the sailor has gnawed a leg off of the Hulk, showing us that... ::gasp:: THE HULK IS MADE OF VEGETABLES!!! Fifteen minutes later, Olive Oyl blearily returns to consciousness...

Olive: Popeye! What a pleasant surprise! Oh... my, what a mess!

Popeye: Don' worry, Olive! I'll have Benny the Jeep clean it later. But lookit these poils what I found fer ya!

Olive: OH how beautiful! And true to cartoon fashion, I just happen to have a pie made for you!

Popeye: Er, I'll eat later Olive, I'm stuffed at the moment... (Cue "here we go again" music and iris out... go to "The End" screen)

- The Amazing Servo-Crowation Man!!!

The key to this match is Wimpy. Once he gets into the fray, the Hulk has no chance. Wimpy could eat hamburgers of astonishing size and number, so many that a punch to any part of his body results in your arm swinging back violently and the bone breaking. And even a boneless Hulk loses to Popeye.

- Captain Insano

Popeye has got a major disadvantage in this one, his eyesight. With only one eye he is going have major problems with depth perception. When his opponet turns green he is going to freak out thinking that he is loosing his eyesight in the remaining eye. Meanwhile the Hulk's hearing disability will prevent him from hearing Popeye's bones breaking as he shoves him into a can of spinach.

- Claymore

The key thing in this fight is the green big monster. No, I'm not talking about the Hulk. I'm talking about envy.

Yes, envy. 'Cause when we think about it, what does Banner / Hulk have? Zip. Squat. Zilch. He has no home, has to take odd jobs to feed himself, and is forced to steal fresh sets of clothes from clotheslines.

What does Popeye have? A job. A home. Stability. Nookie. Popeye is John Q. Public--and the Hulk is the hungry outsider.

Put your average panhandler against some briefcase toter of similar build and strength, then tell me who wanted it more.

In short: Hulk. Because Popeye's a bourgeois pig.

- Diego

This is a simple logic problem: Spinach grants vast strength (Popeye Theorem) Spinach is green (visual spectrum test) The Hulk is green (visual spectrum test) Therefore, the Hulk is made of spinach. Who are you going to vote for - a guy who waits until the end to eat spinach, or the guy who is obviously MADE out of the strength- inducing material? Besides, Olive deserves to be a medical experiment, anyway.

- The Bunyip

This isn't going to be a fight. Popeye just needs to come out of the closet. That's right, Popeye is gay. He goes for a woman with no form or figure to speak of aside from two bumps for boobs that couldn't even be called mosquito bites. He's got forearms that Pee Wee Herman would kill for, and for crying out loud, he's a SAILOR. If he wasn't gay to begin with, he most assuredly has become that way after long voyages and stays at the more risque ports. When the big green guy appears, Popeye's dreams will have been answered. A big man the color of spinach! Just what he's always wanted! Popeye kicks the cans of spinach aside and starts going for his daily supply of green in another way.

- Pareeha, believer in cartoon couples with perspective to their forms.

Yeah I see popeye walking away from this. Only 'cause the Hulk wasn't allowed to kill anyone in the 70's, on TV or in the comics. MY question is: If (and that's a BIG if) he even managed to get his spinach open, was he there when it did the patented "fall into Popeye's mouth" thing, or was he already imbeded in the wall? Of the house across the street? 5 blocks away? In another state? Or whatever they call them in whichever country Hulk pummelled him into? Too many question marks? For one question?

- Corrosion

This is one fight where I have to go with result of freak radiactive accident over supplement induced body building (if Popeye did however use Monsanto brand spinach then it would sway my thoughts).

The whole navy argument of popeye and his navy credentials never washed with me. The simple reason is that the guy has a serious squint and I now people who have failed to get into the navy for less serious conditions (although I am talking about the British navy and not some pretend, technology driven, who are our allies, armed force). We also now that any neddle dick yuppie city boy can buy himself a power boat, steam around the marina a bit and call himself a sailor and behave badly in the club bar.

Second reason I voted for the Hulkster is that between the ages of four and six I would take my dinner and eat in the garden the moment the Hulk came on TV (even if it was raining). All Popeye managed was to convince me to try spinach (and it has not passed my lips since). What I am basicly saying is that the Popeye cannot command the respect of my inner child (where as The Hulk would invade my dreams of jungle exploration and always ruin the moment when I was going to get lucky with Jane when Tarzan was away).

In the end Nuclear Rage (tm) obliterates iron rich, full of goodness Fake Arse Hard Man(tm).

- Fun For All

While the oversized forearms and beady eyes ("Stop playing with yourself or you’ll go blind!") does strongly suggest that Popeye’s spent his share of lonely nights at sea, a bit of research courtesy of the IMDB created a clear case for why the Squinty-eyed Sailor would kick Purple Shorts a whole Green Mile or two.

The "Incredible" Hulk was portrayed in most TV incarnations by Lou Ferrigno. Whoo-boy, where to begin? First, this fellow once played pro football for Canada. ‘Nuff said. His film career also includes a spot as Sinbad the Sailor (make note of that), and two as Hercules, the second having a rather French-sounding title. Strike two.

(Also worth mentioning: Ferrigno had a guest spot on both Night Court and Mister Rogers’, two past Grudge Match losers [Well, Bull was on the Coneheads’ bowling team]).

On the other stubby-fingered hand, Popeye is an American Institution™, plain and simple. In his 300 or so cartoons since the 1930’s, the ol’ seaman with the chin bigger than most folks’ noggins has ran for president, been in outer space, and costarred with Betty Boop (another American Institution™), who, by the way, was often voiced by the same chick who did Olive Oyl, suggesting the two may be the same person, or at least related; if so, and Popeye is getting Double Duty™, maybe it gives you some idea as to how he got his name. He also encountered both Sinbad the Sailor and Hercules, and kicked both their asses. Strike three for Big’n’Green.

And as if I needed any more reasons for the Pipe-Smokin’ Sailor’s superiority, here’s the clincher: In a live-action feature-film, Popeye (sorry, out of colourful euphemisms™) was played by none other than comedic genius™ and past WWWF GM champion, Robin Williams.

I’d go on, but I can hear the Iron Fist™ tapping its fingers already…

- MonkeyDog, hoping to get the award for "Most links in a single response."

I'm sorry to embarrass and humiliate all the Hulk-o-philes reading this, but if Popeye wasn't fully capable of bouncing the Incredible Hulk around like a basketball, I seriously doubt Virgil would have documented the following epic poem*: Popeye the Mariner am I
In a container of trash and compost, I reside
On, gas I did turn
Up, did my ass burn
Popeye the Mariner am I

*The Last Days of Popeii translated from the original Latin
'nuff said,

- Mike Leung

Hulk: Needs Strength to become green.

Popeye: Needs Greens to get strength.

What we have here is a Catch-22 sitsuation, which can only result in the destruction of the universe, or both of them just dropping the fight and going to go get bagels.

- Peanuts"In my satin tights, fighting for our rights"Pat

I was all for the Hulk until Steve brought up the all-important Popeye's Chicken - Catholic Church connection. I've been trying to get people to pay attention to their scourge for *years* - standing on soapboxes, prostlytizing on street corners, shouting it out from the top of the Tower Bridge. Yet no one would listen to me, despite my authentically mussed hair and ripped clothing - certain hallmarks of a prophet.

The most *devious* part is the CHURCH'S CHICKEN link. Clearly, there is a jihad afoot between the southern baptists and the catholic church. The catholics may be winning at the moment, but who knows? Church's has the ominous "kick the bucket" slogan, which strongly indicates ties to the Mafia, as well as the FBI. (Redundant, I know.)

Popeye and the Hulk will never even get the chance to fight before the Church's Chicken Mafiosos swoop in to kidnap Olive Oyl - which we all know is the key ingredient to exceptional fried chicken.

- Guildenstern

If Eugene the Jeep shows up, I'm shooting myself...

- Mr. Potato Head

Popeyes "Unhands her ya scrawny geek! I knows ya ben tappin me goil on da side whens I been away ta sea!"

D.Banner "n. .n. .now see-see here Mr. Eye, I don't want any trouble. ."

Popeye "Iz dis da guy you been knockin' booties wid Olive? Say it aint so you filthy bed rag! Who the hell is Swee' Pea's father if it aint me Olive?!?! I know it aint Bluto cuz he's datin Wimpy on a semi- regular basis! Pappy tells me it's this bilge rat who blew into town with the cheasy ripped clothes and his poofy hair-do out of the 70's!"

Olive Oyl "Oh Popeye, please, please don't jump to conclusions. The stork brought Swee' Pea, I told you that before."

Popeye "Garsh Olives, I never took ya to be a lying, low down, dockside tramp like yez turned out ta be!"

D. Banner "HEY! Grrr...Grrk. You. . . [face contorts in pain, anger, and suprise, you. . . shouldn't talk to her like that. . . [eyes get take on a glazed greenish tint] making me. . .. ANGRY!!!!"

Olive Oyl "Oh Popeye you foul mouthed spinich muncher, if you weren't so bad in the hammock I wouldn't have had to looked to other men for sexual satisfaction. . ."

At this point Popeye's head turns a bright red and pressurized steam explodes from the end of his pipe. Unbeknownst to him Dr. Banner has fallen behind a couch, rubbed himself with a large green marker, torn his cheaply made Toughskins(TM) and shoved balled up gym socks into key locations of his outfit. Leaping up Banner AKA The Hulk gibbers in high pitched rage and hurls himself at the cukolded sailor.

The two men engage in hand to hand combat. The Hulk, an accomplished brawler cannot get his hands on the slippery sailor who bobs,weave, and delivers lightning quick combinations to the Green brute's chin. Growing more enraged by the moment the Hulk quickly loses control of the situation, unable to counter the constant pummeling with his own clumsy blows. Popeye, seeing he has the upperhand begins showing off in typical sailor style. Dodging punches, dancing around his opponent, closing his eyes mid-fight. So engrossed the taunting he does not notice Olive has placed on of her giant feet behind him, setting him up to trip over it. The Hulk, wiping the blood out of his eyes, comprehends the one opportunity to gain the upper hand and shoves the unwitting Popeye ass over teakettle onto his back.

Realizing the fight is turning aginst him, Popeye lunges into his underwear and pulls out a can of spinach (hey it helps to impress the ladies!) with a vise like grip he squashes the can open and takes a huge mouthful of green slimey mass. Olive seizing the moment, stomps down over the sailors throat with her foot, trapping the energy giving vegetable matter somwhere between his bulbous head and his nubby adam's apple. The Hulk (in slow mo) jumps up into the air, green hair scraping the cieling and then descends (in equally slow- mo) and plants both feet on Popeye's narrow chest. The resulting force is enough to pop the sailor's head off of his pipe cleaner neck and send it spinning(pipe still clenched in his teeth) out through an open window and into the chum filled water beneath the docks.


Hulk [growls] "Skinny lady help me smash puny one-eye!"

Olive "Oh Hulky all that green skin is getting me hot! And the policy I took out on Poopeye will get us out of this Godforsaken hellhole!"

The two exchange knowing glances and run towards eachother with open arms. . .

Pappy watched through his spyglass with chagrin as his son's head landed in the ocean that had supported thier family for time imemorial, and slowly sunk from view in a froth of bubbles. The old bosun shook his head in regret and controlled anger, then touched his lit pipe to the braided fuses of the 26 cannons on the starboard side of his ship o' the line. The resulting salvo ripped the little sea shanty to smithereens, obliterating Hulk/Banner and Ms. Oyl, spreading their grapeshot torn bits to the trade winds and avenging the death of his betrayed son.

Winner: (Posthumously) Popeye

- Webby

This really looks like a close match. Lets look at the facts.

Displays of Strength.
Popeye: Seen stopping tornadoes and punching holes in battleships
Hulk: Seen holding up entire mountains, and hurlinging battleships across the sea.

Points Hulk: +1 Popeye: 0

Popeye: Wimpy, a guy with no money who likes hamburgers, a small child, and the strangely anorexic aforementioned Olyve Oyl. (+1)
Hulk: A god of thunder, the richest man in the world, and the rest of the Avengers, and the old defenders, including the master of sorcery, as well as the Fantastic Four.

Sorry, this is worth an extra point for the overmatch. (+2)

Hulk 3 Popeye 0

Portayed by:
Hulk: Lou Ferigno. Bad actor, good weightlifter, deaf. Played in a bad rendition of hercules, and countless other bad renditions. +1 for the pure physical factor. (+1)
Dr Banner: Bill Bixby Otherwise known as Eddies Father, more obscurely known as the failed superhero/detective "The Magician". (-1...yes he's already changed over in the scenario but things do change.)
Popeye: Robin Williams, One of the funnier guys in America, in one of his worst appearances. Played a vietnam DJ, a doctor, Garp, and of course an alien with amazing powers. +1

Hulk 3 Popeye 1

Popeye: mainly a cartoon, though like the hulk he's been in every medium. Cartoons are noted for being immune to harm, and gaining amazing powers at every plot twist. (+1)
Hulk: Mainly a comic book, but apperently here we are dealing a bit more with the TV Show. Comic books are known for characters actually dying occasionally, (even mega star characters like superman) and for being paralyzed or otherwise traumatized. (0)

Popeye 2 Hulk 3

Hulk is green. Green is a power color as has been mentioned. Yoda, Kermit, crocodiles. (+1)
Popeye is human, but eats spinach, a green vegetable. In attemting to take a bit out of the Hulk's arm. This will severely confuse the Hulk, not to mention gaining Popeye some of the effects of ingesting Gamma radiation. We all know even short term exposure creates superheros. Sampson and She-Hulk are both examples. Popeyes already some kind of x-guy mutant freak. The change makes him massively powerful. (+2)

Popeye 4 Hulk 4

Chick factor.
Olyve Oyl: Nuff said (-1)
Hulk has had dozens of girls including his cousin being the only Marvel character to have her own pin up issue (She Hulk) (+1) But she WAS his cousin (-1)

Popeye 3 Hulk 3

TV factor
Popeye is made from pen, ink, and paper.
Hulk is played on TV buy a guy with the intelect of a rock.

Rock beats Paper

+1 for the Hulk

Hulk 4 Popeye 3

Battles previously fought:
The hulk has taken on Superman, Dr Doom, Dr Strange and virtually everyone hero and villian alike in the marvel universe at one time or another. (+1)
Popeye has fought Bluto, Bruno and a couple of other B words. Along with the occasional inanimate object or weather condition.


Hulk 5 Popeye 2

Hulk SMASH! He'll have that annoying slurred speech sailor sucking up his pipe, particularly after half the marvel universe has stormed out to save the day.

- Nez Master

Actually Paper beats Rock except in the WWWF. Clearly, Nez has his priorities straight. - Eds.

The only way that Popeye could beat the Hulk is if the Hulk enjoyed it. (Close your eyes for two seconds to rid the image from your mind, or read on if you didn't get it.)

Decades ago, everyone thought that spinach was the be all end of of healthy food. Do you know why? Because some idiot accidentally calculated the iron content of spinach to be ten times its actual amount. So if spinach is practically worthless, where does all of Popeye's magical strength come from? It only says spinach on the label, a clever disguise for his anabolic steroids!! Why do you think Popeye's bald! Everyone knows that Popeye shorts end right after he triumphantly beats the villan. But few know that these cartoons were actually revised back in the 70s to cut short right after the victory.

Even fewer have seen the original Popeye cartoons which show the after effects of his euphoric high. Few have seen the shocking scenes of Popeye's increased mood swings and uncontrollable trembling. You see the Fleishers originally mean't for Popeye to be their parable of the dangers of drug abuse. Of course like Aesop's fables, the culprits were cleverly disguised under metaphors and symbolism. The metaphor here being spinach. By editing these original works, corporations today have skewed the message that Popeye was originally mean't to deliver. The image of the pathetic wasted Popeye with his shrunken testicles and paranoid delusions are now lost to the public. It should also be known that Popeye originally beat up on Blutus because of his paranoid jealosy, a common side effect of steroids.

Today such editing persists. An example of this is in the Legend of Drunken Master where the original ending where Jackie Chan was left blind and brain damaged due to the effects of drinking industrial alcohol was cut. Instead we only see Jackie downing the wood cleaning solution and winning triumphantly. Crowd pleasing, yes. But a moral was lost here.

I choose not to vote for Popeye because a vote for Popeye is like encouraging steroid abuse. To that I say no, and I will always say no. The line must be drawn here and now.

- Watcher of the Eternal Light

I found myself again drawn by some unknown force (I sense the dark side) to this website and fear for my sanity.

The match in question between the Hulk and Popeye is simple enough at first glance the HULK WILL SMASH!!! The hulk would walk in and before Popeye could say "I am what I am" he would soon become "I was what I was" even if he is lucky he will not be able to chew Spinach in his mouth because I imagine his teeth will be passed off, and sold as ivory and his pipe smoking days will be numbered.

I voted for POPEYE!!!

Why?? You scream who would be so stupid its a lost cause Popeye will be Pushing up daises, kicking the bucket, 6 foot under, snuffed it, lost the habit of breathing.

The answer is simple I know Popeye's secret weapon.

I will now tell you,

Long, long ago my mother bought a T-shirt; my heart froze.

Popeye was shown in all his glory

Yes he did his version of a Playboy centrefold!!!!

Shock, Horror, Run, Run while you still can!!!

(I was tempted to scan the T-shirt and attach it but apart from any pornographic issues I do not want so many deaths caused by heart attacks on my conscious.)

Basically lets say that those strange shaped muscled forearms extend down to a certain area just below the waist and as any woman will tell you is were you will locate a mans thinking tool.

As I see it all Popeye has to do is the Hulks version of tearing his clothes, since he is not in slow motion he should be finished well before the Hulk has started. True Popeye will have to take everything off but once done the Hulk will freeze in horror as I am sure you are now just reading this, giving Popeye enough time to grab some Spinach and as the T-shirt said "Reach the parts..." and the Hulk will be gone.

It worked for Scotland (Imagine an army of men charging in skirts flapping away with nothing on underneath!!!!) It will work for Popeye.

- Good Old Brit

There are so many ways to look at this -- Bill Bixby vs. Robin Williams, gamma radiation vs. irradiated vegetables, Wimpy vs. Rick Jones -- but the bottom line is, the Hulk is powered by anger, and one look at Olive Oyl is enough to kill any anger, passion, or will to live he might have.

But I'd really like to know what's in the water where Popeye lives. Take a look at that picture: he's got nipples on his knees and elbows. Jesus Christ, if the Abomination were half this messed up, the Hulk would never have stood a chance.

- Lou the Inscrutible

the hulk belongs to the society of brightly colored and dim witted brutes (or BCDWB), and can therefore summon his bretheren for help at any time. unfortunately, nearly all of them were busy lifting heavy things and putting them back down again, so his only assistance came from a less than ideal source-



with his mighty battle cry, our blue-clad mountain of mightyness, the Tick, burst through the wall, despite the fact that there was a perfectly good door right next to him.

Popeye: "ug-ug-ug-ug-ug! (mutters an unintelligible and most likely vulgar description of the large blue individual who just destroyed his wall.)"

Tick: "wow. i don't know what you just said, but thank you, mister big forearms man."

Hulk: (acussingly) HULK SMASH!!!

Tick: well, pipe smoking fiend, my good friend here, the Bulk-

Hulk: (correcting) HULK SMASH!

Tick: sorry, the Hulk, has been telling me that you have been committing acts that are not terribly nice. I will ask you nicely to stop, before i commence with the butt kickings that come only from the boot of justice!

Popeye: he was messkin with me olyve oyles!

Tick: is this true?

Hulk: (ashamed) HULK SMASH!

Tick: apology accepted. but still, coolking substances or not, justice and evil don't mix! and since you two don't mix, one of you must be justice ant the other evil! and like the last piece of pie at thanksgiving...

at this point popeye, being the only one with any sort of intelligence, will suffer an anurism. god bless the tick.

- kramertim never really liked thier chicken anyway

Come on, guys. Please. This is absolutely no contest. Next time, how about something a little more evenly matched. Like, maybe Aliens vs. Teletubbies. Bambi vs. Godzilla? Wolverine vs. a Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas? Forget slow motion, yer gonna need frame-by- frame to see this fight. Let me break it down for you.

Hulk: Earth's Mightiest Mortal. Can Leap into orbit. Can crush tanks with bare hands. Can launch other people into orbit with a single punch. Plus see Lifetime Achievements.
Popeye: Can punch a really fat guy across the room.

Advantage: Hulk by a mile

Hulk: Survived several direct blows from the Hammer of Thor without long-lasting ill effects. Shrugs off shoulder-mounted antitank shells. Was barely staggered by a Stinger Missile. Has not yet been tested against a direct hit from a nuclear warhead, but the Vegas odds run about 50/50.
Popeye: With the aid of Spinach, can take a punch from a really fat guy.

Advantage: Hulk by TEN miles

Hulk: Weighs a thousand pounds.
Popeye: Smokes constantly, is severely top-heavy, has malformed limbs

Advantage: Draw

Hulk: We will assume, for the sake of basic fairness, that this is not the Smart Hulk. He's pretty dumb.
Popeye: Might be smarter by default, but the only way he could survive this fight with brainpower is to run away, very, very fast.

Advantage: Nobody (not a factor)

Hulk: Punched Superman into orbit. Decimated the entire US Army Third Division with a single INDIRECT blow. Supported a 100 billion ton mountain on his back for the better part of a day. Conquered the entire Planet Earth and ruled as unchallenged despot.
Popeye: Ate spinach. Beat up a really fat guy. Ate Spinach. Married a bulimic, flat-chested whiner. Smoked a pipe. Ate Spinach.

Advantage: Hulk by a Parsec

Finally, and most importantly, THE RAGE(tm)!!!
Hulk: Is the living embodiment of the Rage(tm). Entire power- set based on the Rage(tm). Abusive father, nerdy adolescence, dead mom, dead wife, and if he loses stands to be trapped in his hideous, reviled Hulk-form for the rest of his life, to be rejected and feared by everyone he will ever try to love.
Popeye: Is the living embodiment of a disgusting leafy vegetable. If he loses, stands to lose Olive Oyl.

Advantage: Hulk by the diameter of the observable Universe.

RESULT: Hulk in one second. Hulk uppercuts Popeye through roof. Popeye shoots into orbit, explosively decompresses, the end.

- The Fat Man

Out here we have a restaurant called Popeyes. Their main menu feature is chicken. Guess spinach didn't work out eh?

- ~DoraMouse (And that pipe Popeyes been smoking for the past century isn't gonna help him either...)

Well, I think the obvious factor of the match is missing from the commentary. Popeye has the obvious advantage because of.....Sweet Pea.

Being Popeye's son and captured by Popeye's foes most of the time, you have to wonder the mental state of this child. I mean, he is constantly exposed to traumatic kidnapping sequences (the movie) and is witness to violence on a daily level from his father. Since children are known to be impressionable at Sweet Pea's age, he takes all of this in. At current progression of mind development, Sweet Pea, ironically, has the potential of a sort of pyschotic killer.

Here's how I see it. As the fight kicks off, Sweet Pea and his mother are present. Multiple fists are exchanged between Popeye and the Hulk. This fight is all that Sweet Pea needs to spawn the killing instinct inside of him. In a gigantic burst of rage, Sweet Pea leaps at the offending Hulk and proceeds to beat the green out of him. Once the Hulk is demolished, Sweet Pea can't control his thirst for blood. He turns to Popeye and attacks. Popeye is reduced to a bloody pulp and Sweet Pea is victorious. His mother didn't really like Popeye and his overbearing ways, so her and Sweet Pea then went into the professional hit men business.

other factors:

1. nobody expects the silent baby
2. he could be hiding weapons under that thing he wears
3. you just know he has to be tough because his name keeps appearing in bold


One of the scariest moments of my childhood was watching Robert Altman's Popeye, just because no one ever explained who those guys hanging from the ceiling were? Were they tangled in decorative nets? Were they bat-people? Were they even human? We're never told.

However, the all-tiem scariest moment (and ask anyone who watched Mr. Rodgers to verify this with me) was when they showed the behind-the- scenes of the Incredible Hulk. We found that the brutish unspeaking green roid case with the Pete Rose haircut was actually just a brutish unspeaking pink roid case with a Pete Rose haircut. What minor consolation it was to us, trembling asleep in our bunk beds growing up, that the Incredible Hulk actually existed but was just spray-painted green?

The fear factor alone gives this one to ol' torn purple trousers.

- Wubbie (you won't like me when I'm angry)

"I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
Poop poop!
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
Poop poop!
I'm stong to the finish
Cause I eat's me spinach
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
Poop poop."

"Hulk smash!"


There's nothing more to say really.

- Boba Foot

The Hulk will win this one because he is smarter. The Hulk may be dumb as heck but no one is as dumb as PopEye. PopEye always goes back to Olive Oyl despite the fact Olive is ugly as heck. She always goes back to Brutus. So the only reason she dates either one of these suckers is to watch them fight each other, Of course they are both (PopEye and Brutus)to stupid to see it. Further more PopEye always waits until he's half dead before he eats his spinach (that stuff must taste teerrible and so it's a last resort.) The Hulk won't half kill him so he'll have no chance to eat spinach so the victory for the Hulk is assured.

- rcs

Well geez, of course the Hulk will win. Using common sense anyone can see that...

Whoops, just remembered. This isn't the CB Rumbles, where logic and common sense rule. This is the Grudge Match. And the Grudge is measured by two things...

1. Comedy
2. Rabid Fanboys.

I detest fanboys with a passion. I shudder when Jackie Chan won over Bruce Lee because the majority haven't had their proper Lee education. I cringe when Palpatice beat Q because a bunch of rabid Warsies masturbating to Wookie porn couldn't bear to see a SW character lose.

Comedy, however, is all right with me. Let's see how I can use comedy in this one. Well, since many Grudgies use association/backup in their posts, I'll do the same.

Popeye: Well, Olive's out like a light, so she's a nonfactor. Bluto hates Popeye, so he's out. Wimpy is not a fighter. Sweet Pea is just a baby. So it's up to Popeye's nephews, Papeye, Pepeye, Pipeye, and Pupeye, Grandpa Popeye, and the Jeep. Obviously, if they have gotten to their spinach, they can give the Hulk a fight.

Hulk: I'll be merciful and not use any of the comic versions of the Hulk (which included "The Professor", an amalgamation of Banner's intelligence and Hulk's strength), opting for the TV incarnation. Well, in the TV series Banner was a loner, but in the TV movies, he had backup...

Incredible Hulk Returns: In this one, we have Banner enlisting the aid of Thor. That's Thor, God of Thunder! {Insert Kiss Rift Here}

Trial of the Incredible Hulk: Matt Murdock, better known as the Man Without Fear, Daredevil.

So far, it's four kids and two sailors with spinach-power against three comic book heros. But Wait, There's More!!!

Of the writers of Daredevil, two stand out. Frank Miller and Kevin Smith. And since Kevin Smith also has characters of his own...

That "spinach" the Popeye clan was munching? Wasn't spinach. Thanks to Jay and Silent Bob, the Pop's just got a serious case of the munchies. And, with the smoke emmited form Popeye's pipe, the Hulk is now jonsin' with the Sweet Leaf.

"Uh-guh-guh-guh! I's be needing some eats! Let's get to Wimpy's!"

"Hulk Need Hostess Fruit Pies!"

"Yeah, that's too!"

However, the ganja has mellowed the Hulk, allowing him to regress to David Banner. While the Stoned Sailor rushes over to "that chicken place with the cool name", the sober Banner (Hulk got stoned, not David) gets his blood sample.

It's that simple.

- Demonicuss -- Any Warsies after me can please go play "Hide and Go Fuck Yourselves"

Popeye should get the incredibly green Incredible Hulk out of the sunlight. That way the energy-boosting photosynthesis would stop. The Hulk would turn a bright yellow, orange, or red. As decomposition continues, he'd turn a crispy brown and fall to the ground, only to be raked up and dumped on a compost pile. Finally, he could be used as mulch for next year's bumper crop of super heroes.

Popeye, the environment, and the circle-of-life win!

- Mark Wentz

I saw Popeye's Fried Chicken plugged in an Adam Sandler movie.

That's more than enough reason for me to vote for the Incredible Hulk.

- My name is Kenny

Even the guys at Marvel Comics think that Popeye would win. In New Mutants Warlock turns into Popeye and claims that Popeye is the strongest on television. Since it is mainly the corny Hulk from television you are talking about, the staff at Marvel must also mean that Popeye is stronger than the Hulk in this match.

- I am Warped-Man!

I had to say Popeye because, first of all, he has the far better theme song. Sure, it mangles the English language something awful, but at least it's more poetic than The Hulk's. (Just compare "I'm strong to the finich 'cuz I eats me spinach" to "Doc Bruce Banner, battered by gamma rays, turns into the Hulk, ain't he unglamouraze!") And, secondly, THE COMICS JOURNAL already did this fight on a cover drawn by Bud Sagendorf showing Popeye saying "Ya should eats more spinach, ya big, green palooka!" while knocking The Hulk out of a boxing ring. It's a close fight (Gore vs. Bush shoulda been this close!), but Popeye will win out.

- MaleKim

The Star Chamber Discotechque opened that day, its proprietors not expecting anything out of the ordinary. Just the usual drifters, aging hippies and a bevy of balding men, clad in their best, hoping to impress that certain teenaged someone. The owner was at the bar, checking the daily records and contemplating the feasability of only opening after dark when it happened.

KERRRRRASH! The elaborately painted picture window exploded inwards and the resultant showering of glass sent the nearby patrons out and off their seats, their plight only being eclipsed by that of the unfortunate sailor who followed said glass into the room.

From out on the street, all remembered hearing the beastial growl of some unimaginable origin. But voice this self same beast had too, and as it spoke, "HULK WILL SMASH PUNY SAILOR MAN!", those customers who still had their wits ran headlong to the other side of the room. What happened next that day was almost too incredible to believe, but from the collaboration of several eyewitnesses, Sesame Street News is able to present a brief summary of these incredible events.

"eg eg eg eg eg... this fella's incorrigible..."


"i needs a little something to perk meself up or ise done fer"

spying a discarded can of spinach nearby, (there always is one!) Popeye snatches it and with his trademark squeeze, pops the lid open and quickly consumes the contents

(insert Disco Remix of "Popeye the Sailor Man")

as Popeye's muscles bulge, his clothing is instantly transformed into a glowing white three piece suit with sequined platformed shoes, a tastefully large gold medallion on a chain and a oh-so-manly lavender neck scarf. Our research shows that Popeye is a 15 second man (Olive Oyl has confirmed this) and therefore any pummeling he's going to deliver will be short but deadly.


"hey buddy, i gots a few steps to show ya!"

and as the music plays, Popeye winds up with both fists and lets fly at the Hulk, who being knocked backwards by the blows flies comically into the air and crashing headfirst into the mirrored ball. The tether that secured the mirrored ball gives way under the Hulk's weight and both monster and ball crash headlong onto the disco floor.

Popeye, not missing a beat, because that would be oh-so-square, connects with a powerful right and sends the dazed hulk through the other front picture window to land in a dumpster across the street. And as the dumpster lid closed on the Hulk, Popeye scooped up Olive and walked off into the sunset while the music played...

"I fights to the finsh, cause i eats me spinach, I'm Popeye the Sailor Man, oooh-ooh! freak out! oooh-ooh! toot toot!

- Live From Kermit

Here's why Hulk will wipe the floor with Popeye: The Maestro.

For those of you who don't know, The Maestro is Hulk's future supervillian incarnation. Actually, I'd put him beyond supervillian...he's killed practically EVERYONE who dared fight him! That means EVERY superhero in the Marvel universe...not even Satan himself could do that.

So, we've got someone who's killed every superhero in existence going up against...a spinach-eating sailor?

It's like pitting the XFL cheerleaders against my grandmother.

- The Technogeek with Too Much Free Time


I have just one question for you guys: is this being broadcast at 8:30 on Kid's WB! or 9:30 on Cartoon Network?

- Rainwoman

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Bionic Woman v. Wonder Woman
Thundercats v. Masters of the Universe
Spider-Man v. The Tick

Home | History | Suggestions | FAQ | Stats | Links
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store

Next Match: Poppin' wheelies.
ETA: Monday, April 23rd, 2001

© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC