R4: The Rollerball Ritalyn Reading Room™

Grudge Match Motion Pictures presents...

Police officers are investigating the scene of an ugly crime. Vince McMahon's Rollerball arena has been vaporized. There are a few dead bodies (and an undead body, counting Jason), all of which appear to have received fatal ray-gun wounds. $91 million of Grudge Match betting money is strewn across the decimated field. The police find two survivors: one is a burned Hungarian man who shouts the phrase "SPACEMAN SPIFF!" over and over. The other is a Rollerball contestant named Calvin. He claims that his nine opponents are dead and he is the only survivor. He is in police custody, being interrogated by US Customs Agent Dave Kujan. Dave has just learned from Detective Hotbranch! about a dangerous individual named "Spaceman Spiff."

Location: Kujan's office in a police station

Dave Kujan rushes into his office, obviously pissed-off. "Who is Spaceman Spiff?!"
Calvin slams his fist and screams "Awwwwwww FUCK!"

Calvin, realizing that Kujan knows that there's more to Calvin's story than what he's telling, guides Kujan through an astonishing story about how he and the other 9 Rollerball combatants who were sent on a paid mission to sedate Vlad, only to have everything go wrong. Calvin tells Kujan that because these combatants messed up and kicked the Predator's ass for the third time in Grudge Match history, they were blackmailed by a mysterious lawyer.

Flashback Location: A billiards room somewhere on the Grudge Match University campus

JOHN WAYNE: Who the hell are you, pilgrim?

The mysterious tiger-like figure in the corner speaks: "My name is Hobbes-ayashi. The Predator, as you may or may not know, was a very important client of my employer. All of you, in some way or form, crossed my employer. ALL OF YOU. You must repay your debt to him, as he feels that you owe him."
JASON: "..."
STEVE AUSTIN: "Who sent you? Who is your employer?"
HOBBES-AYASHI: "I work for Spaceman Spiff."

A wave of disbelief, fear, and terror sweep across the room. The Incredible Hulk smashes a pool table out of frustration. Spider-Man, Xena, and Lara Croft pace the room nervously as Bruce Lee freezes in horror. Calvin appears to be the only one who doesn't seem to understand all of this. "Who is Spaceman Spiff?"
HOBBES-AYASHI: "I am sure by the sudden change in mood, Mr. Calvin, that your friends can tell you. My employer has requested through his lackey, Mr. MacMahon, that you all compete to the death in Rollerball. A very dangerous game. Some of you will not survive, but the ones that do will live in Grudge Match history forever!"
WILLIAM WALLACE: "Enough of your talk, tyrant! FREEDOM!" He holds his sword at Hobbes-ayashi's head, ready to finish him.
HOBBES-AYASHI: "Before you eliminate me, Mr. Wallace, I hope you will let me conclude my business with Aunt May Parker."

A stunned Spider-Man tells Wallace to stand down. Stunned, he questions Hobbes-ayashi: "What did you say?"
HOBBES-AYASHI: "Aunt May Parker. We have a business deal to conclude." Hobbes-ayashi shows a skeptical Spider-Man a Polaroid of his Aunt May Parker, surrounded by a group of gun-toting thugs. "I hope you'll hurry to the arena. Mr. MacMahon is waiting for you. If you fail to cooperate, your Aunt May will meet a most gruesome fate, Mr. Parker, as will all of your loved ones, including your Bionic girlfriend, Mr. Austin... and Ms. Xena's acquaintance, Mr. Hercules. Good day."

As Hobbes-ayashi leaves the room, all the Grudge Match contestants look long and hard at each other. Jason's words summarizes the feelings of all involved: "..."

Location: Kujan's office in a police station

Kujan hears more and more of Calvin's incredible story, about the massive Rollerball battle in which a shadowy figure swooped down from above and laid siege to the entire arena with a ray-gun. Calvin claims that because he is small and well hidden, this mysterious figure spared his life. Knowing that Calvin loves his comic book characters, Kujan attempts to uncover the truth behind the identity of Spaceman Spiff.
KUJAN: "You love the Incredible Hulk... don't you, Calvin?"
CALVIN: "What? Well, I...um..."
KUJAN: "The Hulk knew that if he smashed everyone to pieces, there would be no one to stop him. The Hulk did not die in Rollerball. THE INCREDIBLE HULK IS SPACEMAN SPIFF!"
A horrified Calvin appears to be in a state of shock: "No! No, he can't..."
KUJAN : "You know why he let you live? Because you're stupid, Calvin... because you're a child... He is the only one with the intelligence, the power, the RAGE (TM) to orchestrate the deaths of his foes! He is the only one who can be called the victor in the Tournament of Losers! That's right, Calvin... I know that all 10 of you lost Grudge Matches... but the Hulk knew that you were not a factor. You NEVER saw the Hulk die in the Rollerball arena. He let you live. Stay here, Calvin, and tell us the REAL story. You might not make it back home alive. The Hulk may get angry and come looking for you!"

A tearful Calvin looks up at Kujan and bitterly fires back with the only words he can find: "Maybe so... but I'm not a snitch, Agent Kujan!" As he shuffles out of the office, something green falls out of his pocket. The boy looks Kujan in the eye one last time and stammers: "Fuckin' cops!" Calvin continues on his way to the exit, but he has to sign for his possessions first.

Location: Grudge Match Hospital

Detective Hotbranch, after interrogating the burned Hungarian Grudge Match fan with the aid of a police sketch artist, makes his way to the reception desk with a sketch of Spaceman Spiff. It turns out that the Hungarian actually saw Spiff's face and survived! Detective Hotbranch! asks the receptionist if he can use her fax machine and hands her the sketch.

Location: Back at the police station

Calvin makes his way to the front desk and is assisted by an officer.
Officer: "You'll have to sign for your possessions, Calvin. Let's see... one space helmet and cape... a ray-gun, you wanna be careful with that... and a pack of candy cigarettes. Thank you!"

Calvin nods politely and exits the police station. Meanwhile, in his office, a smug Dave Kujan sips his coffee, looks at his bulletin board, and reflects on how he uncovered the truth that the Hulk was really Spaceman Spiff. Sooner or later, he thought, he would order his men to apprehend the Hulk. He'd have to pay for the damaged Rollerball arena, after all. Just then, something on his bulletin board catches his eye. In a moment of horror, he drops his mug, causing it to shatter into a million pieces. Kujan looks at the bulletin board, spies a supermarket ad for mustard and teriyaki, and remembers the things Calvin said in his conversation. "When I went to school, I used to eat a lot of Mustard and Teriyaki sandwiches! Great stuff!" His eyes dart to another part of the bulletin board, this time, a mug shot of a guy named Darth Maul. Calvin's voice echoes in Kujan's head: "I had detention with this big loser named Darth Maul, he always got so mad when I played Calvinball with him!" It's all making sense to Kujan - Calvin's entire story has been a lie! He looks at the shattered remains of his coffee mug and sees words on the bottom of his mug, written in crayon: 'KUJAN IS A BIG DOODYHEAD.' Kujan then looks at the green object that fell out of Calvin's pocket. It's the singed scalp of the Incredible Hulk! Kujan rushes out of his office just as a fax comes in. The faxed sketch of "Spaceman Spiff" looks remarkably like Calvin. Kujan shakes the officer at the front desk and screams "THE KID! Did you see him? The kid, where did he go?!" The officer points outside, and Kujan rushes out the door.

A few blocks from the police station, Calvin is walking along the sidewalk triumphantly, putting on his cape and space helmet as a car pulls along side of him. Calvin puts a candy cigarette in his mouth, takes one last look at the police station, and hops in the car. The driver is none other than his companion Hobbes, who we've come to known as the lawyer Hobbes-ayashi! They nod to each other, and drive off into the distance. A frustrated Kujan looks around frantically, trying to spot a little kid in red striped shirt. He realizes that he let Spaceman Spiff slip through his fingers! As Kujan starts spouting off profanities, Calvin's words once again echo in Kujan's head:

The greatest trick Susie ever pulled was convincing the world that she wasn't a gross bag of boogers... And like that, *poof*, I hit her with some crabapples!

- The Incredible Frogboy

John Wayne takes this because he's already defeated the equivalents of most of these characters. Let's review:

CALVIN: Cocky, talented kid who plays by his own rules (cf. Calvinball). Equivalent: Come on, there's always a cocky, talented kid in John Wayne movies. By the middle of the movie, he always gets a good talkin'-to from the Duke, and by the end of the movie, he's working for the Duke, helping him mow down the bad guys. If Wayne could talk some sense into the guitar-brained Ricky Nelson from Rio Bravo, he can whip Calvin into shape and maybe even make him stop playing with that damn wussy sissy stuffed tiger.

INCREDIBLE HULK: Big, menacing, unattractive-looking moron who got by on brute strength alone. Equivalent: The big, menacing moron Liberty Valance in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. Not even the divine intervention of Clarence (tm) could stop Jimmy Stewart from getting beaten up by Liberty Valance in this movie, yet the Duke killed him with a single shot of his trusty rifle. Dr. Banner's going to find out that being belted by gamma rays isn't as bad as getting belted by the Duke.

XENA: Bad-tempered, violent woman who'd sooner wallop men than kiss them. Equivalent: Not only was Maureen O'Hara violent towards the Duke in The Quiet Man, she was an Irish redhead, a combination that makes her temper much more to be feared than that of a mere Greek brunette. Yet the Duke dragged her all around the countryside and tamed her, and enjoyed it so much that he tamed her again in McLintock!

WILLIAM WALLACE: Ultra-violent warrior with bad taste in war paint and a penchant for women much younger than himself. Equivalent: Chief Scar in the Duke's best movie, The Searchers, was an ultra-violent warrior with bad taste in war paint, who kidnapped and married the teenage Natalie Wood. The Duke wasn't the one who actually killed Scar, but he did cut off Scar's scalp, and if he does the same to William/Mel, he'll break down crying at the loss of his beautiful long hair.

BRUCE LEE: Brilliant fighter, held in awe by everyone, who died before he'd had a chance to accomplish all he should have. Equivalent: Nelse McCleod in El Dorado was a brilliant gunfighter, held in awe by everyone in the movie, who got killed by the Duke before he'd had a chance to actually fire a shot.

JASON VOORHEES: Butt-ugly, non-verbal type who goes around goring people. Equivalent: Playing a guy who rounds up animals for zoos, the Duke spent large portions of Hatari! trying to capture a rhino, a butt-ugly, non-verbal type who started the movie by goring the Duke's buddy Bruce Cabot. At the end of the movie, the Duke caught the rhino -- without using a stuntman. After he's captured a rhino and been in a movie with "Baby Elephant Walk" on the soundtrack, what has the Duke to fear from a wild beast like Jason?

LARA CROFT: A fearless, shapely woman who isn't afraid to use guns to achieve her goals. Equivalent: In the aforementioned Rio Bravo, the Duke's love interest was Angie Dickinson. And Angie Dickinson was the Police Woman -- a fearless, shapely woman who wasn't afraid to use guns to achieve her goals. Like her gun-toting predecessor Angie, Lara will probably be so smitten by the Duke that she'll forget about the competition and start stripping to attract his attention, though she won't look as good in a leotard as Ms. Dickinson.

SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN: Steve Austin was mangled and apparently killed, but was resurrected in "bigger, stronger, faster" form. Equivalent: Who else got mangled and killed and then apparently resurrected? Who else but Jesus H. Christ (according to the goyim, anyway -- to my people, as Mad Magazine once said, "Jesus was just a nice Jewish boy who went into his father's business"). And in the movie The Greatest Story Ever Told, who was the centurion presiding over the crucifixion of J.C.? None other than the Duke. Probably the only reason the Romans were able to crucify Jesus in the first place was that John Wayne was there and even Jesus knew better than to mess with the Duke. If even the father of watered-down Judaism got mangled while John Wayne was around, there's not much hope for a George Lazenby look-alike like Steve Austin.

SPIDER-MAN: A normal guy whose whole life changed when he was exposed to too much radiation. Equivalent: THE DUKE HIMSELF! That's right, John Wayne was exposed to huge amounts of radiation while filming The Conqueror near a nuclear testing site. As a result of this, he and most of the cast and crew eventually died of cancer, but it also means he can teach Spidey a thing or two about "radioactive blood." C'mon, a radiation-enhanced Peter Parker, or a radiation-enhanced John Wayne. Who would you pick?

- Captain Corcoran

Calvin: Calvin seems to have an edge in this match. He's spent long hours practicing Calvinball, the only sport on Earth more anarchic than Rollerball. Plus, he's friends with a tiger. Unfortunetly, it's a stuffed tiger, and, being six, Calvin is too short to reach the goal. He survives the match by virtue of being no threat to anyone else, but is unable to score a single point.

The Six Million Dollar Man: Six million dollars doesn't buy as much as it used too. Steve Austin is reduced to a torso and a pace- maker. He's killed when Lara runs over him on the motorcycle. No score.

Xena: Xena comes very close to winning this one. Between her superb athletic ability and astonishing acrobatics, she scores point after point. Coming down to the last few minutes of the match, she's tied with Lara, but ends up throwing the match in return for an intimate dinner for two down at the Rubyfruit Cafe. Final score: Fifteen goals.

William Wallace: Willy doesn't like playing other people's games. He decides to revolt against the global corporate mono-culture by inspiring the other athletes to rise up against Vince McMahon. As the contestants wait at the starting line for the opening buzzer, he strides in front of them and begins his stirring, patriotic speech (tm), He gets as far as "If you would be men..." before Xena cuts loose with her ululating battle cry (tm) and guts him with a well thrown chakram (inexplicably not tm). No score.

Jason Voorhees: Jason would seem to be a shoe-in as winner here: he's an unstoppable killing machine. He can take any sort of injury, and he just pops right back up. One on one, none of the other contestants could take him. They wouldn't have a prayer. Unfortunetly, he rollerskates about as well as he swims. He spends the entire match stuck at the starting line, constantly falling on his ass. No score.

John Wayne: The Duke is at a serious disadvantage here, in that he's the only non-fictional contestant. Also, he's been dead for twenty- three years and has no lungs. This doesn't stop him from scoring twelve goals. That's what I call tough.

Spider-Man: The web-slinging wall crawler has a HUGE advantage in this match. He can climb walls, making getting to the goal supremely easy for him. However, bad luck strikes when J. Jonah Jameson gives his alter-ego, Peter Parker, the assignment of covering the match. His attention split between winning the game and making sure he gets some good photos of the action, Spidey only gets ten goals and a concussion when Xena's chakram (still not tm) severs his web in mid- swing.

Lara Croft: Lara ends up on the motorcycle, and puts in a strong showing. Aside from her dual pistols and shotguns, her polygonal nipples are sharp enough to cut glass. Plus, she's smarter than she's usually given credit for. At the end of the match, she stands triumphant with sixteen points, barely edging out her new "special friend" (tm), Xena, Warrior Princess.

Bruce Lee: Due to an unfortunate typo when the contestants were being recruited, Bruce Lee was never contacted. Instead, Bruce Li, star of cheapo chop-socky exploitation films like "Golden Sun" and "No Retreat, No Surrender" shows up. In a fit of pique, Vince MacMahon has him executed "pro-wrestling style" (death by folding chair) before the match even begins.

The Incredible Hulk: Turns out Bruce Banner got a prescription for Prozac, and the Hulk was unable to participate.

Final scores:
Calvin: 0
The Six Million Dollar Man: 0
Xena: 15
William Wallace: 0
Jason Voorhees: 0
John Wayne: 12
Spider-Man: 10
Lara Croft: 16
Bruce Lee: Disqualified
The Incredible Hulk: Disqualified
The winner, in a Grudge Match (tm) with all the excitement of a scoreless Soccer game, is Lara Croft.

- Mac

Okay, let's look at the basic motivations here:

Calvin: Playing Rollerball because he likes to get it on.

Xena: Has been mysteriously transported forwards in time and space and because she's such a vindictive you-know-what with an ego the size of Texas she decides that the best way to gain respect for her amazing, unstoppable strength and athleticism is through this ultra-intense rollerball deathmatch.

Braveheart: Has been mysteriously transported forwards in time and space and because he is a sane man with old-fashioned values he will never harm innocents for sport and is only being forced to participate by a sinsiter group of corporate Rollerball sponsors.

Jason: Has a knife, will kill with it at every possible opportunity.

John Wayne: Has gone forwards in time and space since the days of his old Westerns and because of the sudden change of time is totally and utterly confused and disoriented and doesn't know just what to think so he says "What the hell, I'll drink my bourban and shoot some people while riding on skates."

The Bionic Man: Has been implanted with fall-resistant knee-caps and some kind of rollerball computer chip in his brain.

Bruce Lee: Is in it for the glory.

The Hulk: Is excited by the offer of a funding grant for another gamma ray bomb if he wins, although he must remain in the form of a scientist geek until he gets mad.

Lara Croft: Has an ego the size of Texas and must prove her athletic superiority over Xena.

Spider Man: Decides "What the hell, I'll go win a game of Rollerball."

Keeping these motivations in mind, the game would naturally play out as follows: The mayhem begins immediately with Xena of course beginning with her "Ai-layeelahyaeeeiiiieeee!" war-cry and attacking Braveheart (Who is sulking self-righteously in the corner, refusing to play) because he looks like the doltish middle-age savages she is used to fighting and meanwhile Lara Croft does an amazing backflip in hopes of intercepting Xena before she reaches her prey just as Jason skates past on his way to attack Calvin because Calvin looks like the doltish teenagers he is used to killing and while all this happens the pre-hulk scientist is trying to figure out why no one wants to play the game and so he just shrugs his shoulders and picks up the ignored ball and races to the other side unopposed.

Meanwhile the Bionic Man realizes that the intellectual dolts at the OSI lab did not implant a rollerball chip in his brain but an out-dated version of Jimmy Jitter: X-Treme Skater and he finds himself unable to do any grinds because he keeps hittin' the freakin' BUTTONS all wrong and JEEZ everything is all backwards and SCREW IT I'll NEVER get good at this stupid game and runs into a wall and hits his head on a rail and then skids across the floor and goes up a ramp and over another rail and falls and hits his "very sensitive area" which just happens to be the only part of him left that's not bionic and he doubles over in pain just as Jason is about to attack Calvin and realizes that the Bionic Man looks like an easy kill at this point so he stabs the Bionic Man only to realize that his intended victim is mostly Bionic and immune to his dinky butcher's knife and so Calvin, realizing that Jason is out to get him induces a prudent burst of acceleration on his motorcycle rams into the psychopath and Calvin ALMOST falls off his bike but because of long hours of practice manages to keep his balance and turns around to finish the killer off and imparts the night's first fatality while someone in the crowd yells "You SUCK" to the pre-hulk scientist who has somehow not been able to get the ball through the little hoop even without opposition and so of course this brings him a flashback to his days trying to play basketball in the playground in junior high when all the other kids laughed at him and suddenly a great swell of rage rises and he almost becomes The Hulk but then a wave of self-pity quashes his anger and his transformation is incomplete, leaving him only with the stupid green hulk head and none of the Hulk strength just as Xena takes a swipe at Braveheart but Braveheart has the reflexes of a cat as evidenced from the movie in which he tackles Robert the Bruce after being downed from his horse and he manages to whack Xena a good one (the only man ever to have done so) in the head with the butt of his gigantic sword just as Xena was about to release her hollow spinning frisbee of eternal magical auto-targeting death which fires off randomly around the room and begins to kill everyone in Madison Square Garden two or three at a time and then Lara Croft comes down and grips the head of the unconscious Xena between her thighs and manages to kill her and thus inflicts fatality number two and Braveheart is so transfixed by the sight of Lara Croft so intimitely engaged with Xena that he doesn't pay attention just as John Wayne chucks his empty bottle of bourban and knocks him in the head and laughs hysterically and Braveheart yelps in pain and realizes that the prerequisites for a good old drunken bar brawl have been met and proceeds to start whooping up on John Wayne while Wayne sees Bruce Lee coming at him with a flying leap and so starts shooting wildly into the air but Lee manages to dodge all twelve bullets and lands him a square kick in Wayne's one good eye (the other of course being covered with a pirate patch) so John Wayne, drunk and blind, stumbles forward and gropes Lara Croft, unitentionally of course, but that is not enough to save him from the wrath of her lethal thighs while all the time Spider Man has been watching from the ceiling and chooses this moment to... BIND UP THE WIMPY SURVIVORS WITH HIS WEBS AND MERCILESSLY SLAUGHTER THEM ALL. The End.

- Johnny T

Good match but it will be easily won by Spider-man. How?, well let's just see.

What each character is known for says it all. First, Calvin "Psycho Kid" Hobbes. That would be a good name if he had Hannibal the Cannibal craziness, but he doesn't. He had the same imagnery friend for about 5 to 10 years. That is not child innocence that is a mental problem. He would never take the pressure.

Next, Xena "not that strong" ahhhhh..... Smith? She has the raw tomboyish qualities needed to be a part of this sport, but that will not be enough. The show didn't make her out to have super hero strength, more of the ability to find and beat up retard warriors. Plus, her boots would make it almost impossible to play the game.

Next, Jason "holds a grudge way to long" Vorhees. He will only kill if provoked by teens having sex, so he won't even care about the damn game. So lets say he finds Bruce Lee and Lara croft having sex, okay he will kill them both pretty easily. Then he finds Braveheart guy and Xena having sex okay again both dead. But even if he kills all four people before the match, there is noone left to finish. So again he says to him self "Hell with the game, I think there is a summer camp near here. Done because of lack of intrest.

Next, Bruce "must kick" Lee. Simply, he can't kick with roller blades on so he can't really fight. If he can not kick, he must quit.

Next, Steve "science a strength and weakness" Austin. He is made mostly of robotics, which will obviously give him an edge over the competion. That edge will not last for long, though, because both Spider-man and The Hulk are scientists. Since they are both Marvel super heores, they can work together for a while, just long enough to get the job done. With their minds working togther, he won't be much of a problem for them. Not even a transplant from the bionic woman could save him this time.

Next, William "what the hell did he just say" Wallace. He is not equiped for this kind of thing. Maybe if he could work with Xena he would have a chance. But, that ain't gonna happen for two reasons. One: Xena don't get along with the men folk. Two: even if they did work togther you can't understand what he says, because he screams everything in a Scottish accent. Xena can't work with someone that she can't understand.

Next, John "slow-mo" Wayne. Basically, rollerball is a fast paced sport, and The Duke doesn't do anything quickly. All that will happen is he will be hit repeatedly, which after each one he will say, "Now wait a minute pilgrim". He'll be gone before he even pulls his gun. Sorry Duke.

Next, Lara "nothing more than a thief" Croft. This grave robber is very,very close to winning this. She has strength, acrobatic talents, and has two obvious distractions to other players. She is also very use to stealing things from other people. The problem is she is not very well coordinated. If you have ever played the game she runs into a wall about every 15 seconds. She will end up knocking her self out. So close, but no cigar.

Bruce "stregth and nerdom all in one" Banner. This is how the match goes down, the Hulk teams up with Spiderman, together they take out the other players easily. So then it is just Hulk vs. Spiderman. It has already been proven multiple times that spider-man can beat the Hulk. It will take some time, but the hulk will be smashed sooner or later.

Spider "Spectacular, Amazing" Man. He is obviously the winner. He is smart, the greatest acrobat in the hole game, has strength, and will see every hit coming.

Spider-man ends as a bruised, but not beaten winner.

- Michael James Tyler

Advantage(s): Calvinball. Hyperactive. Wild imagination -- some might say Ritalin-induced hallucinations or delusions of grandeur.
Disadvantage(s): "No substitutions" rules means no Hobbes and no changing the rules to suit his purposes as in Calvinball. Imaginary creatures in his mind, such as dinosaurs, are just that; in his mind. Everyone except Xena (see below) rips him to shreds. Susie Derkins walks away a very happy girl. Calvin's immensely embarrassed parents resolve never to have children again.

The Six Million Dollar Man
Advantage(s): Government backing. After September 11, this actually means something now. As an American citizen, any attack on him would be deemed an act of terrorism. Al-Qaeda would then be linked to the plot (don't ask how), and George W. Bush visits USA righteousness on his opponents in the form of a Tora Bora-style bombing campaign. Also built prior to the apocalyptic days of Windows 3.1 and its red-headed stepchildren, Windows 9x, NT, and 2000. So no Dr. Watson of GPF errors here.
Disadvantage(s): As Steve gets set to make his jump shot, he is knocked to the ground and hears "This is where I start to have fun." Immediately short-circuits and suffers permanent cascade failure upon realizing Lara Croft's on top. At least he dies with a smile.

Advantage(s): Tutored by Ares, God of War. Further battle- hardened by the villainness Callisto. Not only is Xena armed with chakram, but also with her fingers of death. A few whacks to her opponents' necks renders them gasping for air while she makes her jump shot (all the while making that hideous ay-yi-yi-yi-yi harpy call).
Disadvantage(s): Even in her evil days, she wouldn't hurt children. Therefore, she can't bring herself to harm Calvin, who won't have any inhibitions about swiping the ball from her and going for the jump shot -- before being ventilated by the Duke.

William Wallace
Advantage(s): Scottish. The best kind of English around. Has the support of thousands of angry soccer hooligans in the audience, who incite a riot his opponents simply cannot resist jumping into.
Disadvantage(s): Unfortunately, he can't resist a good audience brawl, either.

Jason Voorhees
Advantage(s): Loner. Has no inhibitions about mass murder. His eternal silence gives him an air of smoothness coupled with bloody ruthlessness. Has been to Hell and back, and once you've been there and done that, nothing much else fazes you.
Disadvantage(s): The fact that he keeps getting killed suggests that he's sloppy in his work. Never has been seen to kill multiple victims at once, which further suggests he's outnumbered. Spidey blinds Jason by coating his hockey mask with webbing, Lara trips him with her skates, Xena gives him the fingers of death, Calvin pees on him, and Hulk sits on him. The Prince of Darkness gets his roommate back.

John Wayne
Advantage(s): Duke of what? Geritol?
Disadvantage(s): This old coot dies of a heart attack just from the shock of watching Lara doing her....um, acrobatics.... to make her jump shot. At least he, too, will die with a smile....pilgrim.

Advantage(s): Web-shooters, wall-crawling, spider-sense.
Disadvantage(s): His libido, after he's had a chance to check out leather lady Xena and spandex sweetie Lara. Gets so wrapped up trying to get dates with them that his spider-sense fails to warn him he's about to be flayed by Wallace. Somewhere deep in the catacombs of the Royal Embassy of Latveria, Victor von Doom sits on his throne, watching with unbridled satisfaction via satellite link-up as his plan to have his archenemy Spider-Man assassinated under cover of Rollerball comes to perfect completion......

Lara Croft
Advantage(s): DUH. Her....um, assets....induce an almost hypnotic trance on all the male opponents. Might even work on Xena.
Disadvantage(s): Hulk, for all his might, is not too bright. So Lara's....um, assets....and sultry statements just don't register with the green guy. He tosses her into the center basket along with the rollerball.

Bruce Lee
Advantage(s): Martial arts.
Disadvantage(s): Apparently not enough to keep him from getting killed back in the 70s.

The Incredible Hulk
Advantage(s): Brute strength, but only when angry. Otherwise he becomes wimpy scientist Bruce Banner. However, in a game like this, his anger levels will kick in quite nicely. Knocks a hole into the bottom of the center basket and plunks the rollerball -- and anyone else dumb enough to have their mitts on it -- into the goal, thus ensuring him the win.
Disadvantage(s): Not applicable. He just won.

Winner: Hulk.

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

Calvin will win and kill all of them, and here's how:

Xena: Calvin riding around his goal and sees the small metal sphere. He looks in front of him, and we see Xena standing right in front of her goal. He pulls out his slingshot, puts the sphere in it, and SWISH! the orb is off! It makes a direct coarse towards Xena's chest. With a sickenning squishy sound, the orb flies through Xena's chest and right through her goal. Calvin rides over and picks up Xena's chakram.

John Wayne: He starts to skate, but falls and breaks his hip. Calvin sees this and runs over Wayne's head with his motorcycle. He picks up Wayne's two six-shooters and his fifth of bourbon. He picks up the orb and puts it through Wayne's goal.

William Wallace: Now drunk, Calvin takes Wayne's one of his six-shooters and blows a hole through Willian's head. Calvin rides over and picks up William's sword. Calvin then puts the sphere through William's goal.

Jason Vorhees: Jason's been scating in front of his goal, keeping everyone else back. Calvin rides over and slices Jason's arms, legs and head off. He picks up Jason's butherknife and puts the orb through his goal.

Steve Austin: Calvin and Steve Austin talk, they decide to tag-team.

Spider-man: Calvin throws Xena's Chakram and cuts down Spider-man. Steve takes the newspaper he borrows from King Kong and squishes him.

Lara Croft: Steve slaps Lara's ass and Calvin puts the large butcherknife into her heart. Steve grabs the shotgun and Calvin grabs the guns.

Bruce Lee: Austin and Lee fight while Calvin pulls his trusty slingshot out and sends the orb through Bruce lee's chest.

Incredible Hulk: Steve and Hulk fight but the Hulk gets the advantage and rips Steve apart. Calvin shoots at Hulk but it doesn't affect him. Calvin then throws the Chakrum at Hulk but Hulk grabs it and eats it. Calvin shoots all the guns he has at Hulk but it doesn't kill him. Calvin then fires the orb at Hulk but Hulk grabs that and eats it too. Hulk then pushes Calvin off his cycle and Hulk eats that too. Calvin gets one last idea. He takes the fifth of bourbon, and drinks it down. Everything begins to spin as Calvin hear's KoRn's "Falling away from me" in his head. He then starts to rip at his jersey and foam at the mouth. After this subsides, Calvin gets a look of drunken rage. Yes folks, he has reached the stage of... dun dun dun... ENGLISH SOCCER HOOLIGAN!(TM) He looks at the Hulk and sees the one thing a hooligan hates most of all, A RIVAL HOOLIGAN!

He jumps at Hulks chest and begins to rip through Hulks flesh. Hulks pulls at the Hooliganized Calvin, but it's too late, he's already at the organs. First to go, the ribs and lungs, next, the heart. He then rips out all the minor organs, and he the rips out the digestive organs. Hulk keels over dead and Calvin passes out. The crowd cheers for the HOOLIGAN IN TRAINING(TM) and the Hooligans begin to Hooliganize the place as Calvin sleeps in the fetal position inside the hollowed out Hulk. Yes, there you have, Calvin goes Hooligan, Hulk finally finds something scarier than him, and Jason finds out how his victims feel. THE BLOODIEST WHO WINS THE GRUDGEMATCH IDEA AWARD(TM) *hint, hint* is called for here!

- The Hooligan of Doom

As the rollerballers entered the court, another confrontation high overhead in geostationary orbit rapidly approached its denouement... De-activating his Ring of Schwartz, the last tyrant of the Eugenics Wars fell to his knees with exertion from the epic duel. Critically-wounded but victorious, Khan raised his blood-soaked head to emit a cry of triumph, but it died in his throat as he noticed a monitor image.

"No," the previous scenario's lowest-vote-getter exhaled as he stared after Mr. T's retreating shuttle, "you won't get away..." He slumped past the smoldering body of Dark Helmet towards a large red button on the far wall. "If this station must be destroyed with me on board, neither will anyone else escape..." As the genetic superman edged closer to the console, the fluids trickling down his forehead blurred but could not block his view of the impulse-drive fading into the distance. "With my last breath, I rant at thee..... From the depths of Sci-Fi Channel commentary episodes, I melo-dramatize at thee....." The last crawl-steps were agony, but they brought him to his destination. Blood in his eyes now rendered the red object no more visible to him than to the blank gaze of his fallen foe, and neither was in any position to care about the huge warning sign (DO NOT PRESS UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY MEAN IT), but its location was solidly fixed into the egomaniac's mind. As he fell forward onto the control and his mind began to cloud, Khan Noonien Singh whispered his last: "Let there be light."

The Earth's atmosphere is dozens of miles thick, enough to make our faraway sun's light only slightly blinding, but not enough to moot a nearby moon-sized battle-station's detonation. Though Governor Jesse "The Body" (er, sorry, "The Mind") Ventura was as blinded by the flash as any contestant or spectator, years of Navy SEAL training kicked in to save him from the mass-confusion. "Take cover!" he roared. "Not again!" wailed Tea Leoni as she and thousands of other fans were jolted into action soon enough to avoid shrapnel as the first wave of debris screamed out of the troposphere. "Not you ten!" Gov. Ventura stabbed his finger at the athletes. Why should BattleBots(tm) get all the cool arena hazards, he realized with envy. "Play on!" he bellowed as an enormous fragment impacted a quarter-mile away, forcing most to a stagger, though Lara Croft remained perfectly upright thanks to long years of balancing practice.

The first act by a contestant, ironically, was one of disqualification as Calvin, a.k.a. Spaceman Spiff, blasted off from the game for the more pressing crisis of saving the world. Back on the field, the athletes had at one another, but the normal, flesh-and-blood humans were quickly taken out by injuries from Death Star/Mega-Maid remnants. With Braveheart, John Wayne, Xena, Ms. Croft, and Bruce Lee removed from the picture, the contest was down to four by the time Spiff blasted the larger incoming pieces into dust. However, these particles from the detonated planet-killer retained their radioactivity, and the fallout's bizarre effects returned two others to their original conditions. Dr. Banner stared down with wonder at his smaller, normal hands. "I'm... finally cured..." he murmured, before taking a blade in the back from a decidedly unhappy camper. Jason looked up from his deed and across the arena at the Bionic Man, who had just neutralized Peter Parker. The details of what happened next are not recorded here, nor need they be. For, the star of the "Friday the 13th" series was like Bill Clinton: no matter how many times he suffered heavy blows that seemed to end his career, no matter how much the high-brows disdained his outrageous performances, his survival and comeback were assured by his popularity with the masses. Or so the Bionic Man concluded in his last moments.

- Matt Bricker

Before I start I just want to admit that the bulk of what I know about John Wayne, the Incredible Hulk, Bruce Lee and the Six Million Dollar Man could fit on the head of a pin. that aside, this match could have many outcomes. All of the combatants have weaknesses that may be exploited and they all have strengths that can put them on top. Here's how I see it:

Calvin: I wanted to vote for this guy, really I did, But let's face the facts everyone, the kid is daily beaten up by a figment of his own imagination. Oh puh-lease. Besides, how can he manage to ride a motorbike when he won't ride his normal bike at home because it has "homicidal tendencies"? True to form, Calvin will try to bail to the locker room in order to become Stupendous Man. He will then be destroyed for breaking the game's "no substitutions" rule. Sob.

John Wayne: I'm not sure but didn't this guy die from complications from smoking? Even if we assume that all players in this game are alive at the beginning of the game, the Duke will not be fit to do anything worthwhile with his shoddy lungs. The booze won't help much either.

Jason Voorhees: He has the killer instinct, he has the benefit of being a horror movie bad guy who takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin', this guy is a shoe-in right? Wrong. this guy has died so many times that it's become a habit. Self-image and confidence will be at an all time low. why try when you just come back later to wreak more havoc anyway. Lack of motivation is what will kill this guy.

Incredible Hulk: Big. Angry. Eeep! Clumsy. Slow. Can't roller skate. Susceptible to weaponry. Bye-bye.

Bruce Lee: some kind of martial arts master. I know even less about this guy than I do about the hulk, so I'm going to say that he is pegged early in the proceedings by a stray bullet coming from the now drunken John Wayne.

Six Million Dollar Man: I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS GUY. I am going to assume that because of recent budjet cuts,he has become the six dollars and fifty cents man and is in need of a great deal of repair. 'Nuff said.

William Wallace: oblivious to the dangers of lead paint, Wallace has tragically been poisoning himself for years. In his weakened state William only has the strength to curl into the fetal position and cry. Boo-hoo

Lara Croft: Smart, good with a gun, and with alot of experience in hostile siuations. So far, so good. But wait- as she runs out of ammo and puts her guns aside, the audience notices that the video game construct is having trouble. Lara's body was designed to be an overly "perky" wet dream. she needs what little bodily strength she has to keep her, um, "assets" from hitting the ground. Don't tell me that she can do any amount of bludgeoning with those skinny little arms of hers. Give me a break.

Spider Man: spidy senses, webbing, speed, strength, brains. This guy has everything but radioactive blood... oh... wait... He has everything it takes to win exept the all important killer instinct. I can't think of a single person that has been intentionally killed by Spidy. Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider Man does not have the determination or the guts to kill a person. I must say that he would be a best bet for second place.

Xena: All of the benifits of Spider Man (minus the webbing) and a warrior personality to match. Xena has been on the brink of death many times and always comes back in order to kick ass, not to mention a weapon that kills anything in its path and the coolest war cry out of any of the other contenders. Xena, hands down.

- irbie


Extreme Rollerball? How exactly do you make a death sport more extreme? Random torture of small children and the elderly?

- Don "King" Milliken

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