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What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

Deep in Alaska....

The Grinch sat in his Grinchy cave, his fur a messy mush,
"They will begin pumping for oil, now that they have elected Bush.
They will pump all day, they will pump all night;
They will pump while I am sleeping. It just isn't right!"

The more he thought about the noise and the clamor,
The more his heart began to flame with anger.

Later, in the dusty streets of London:

"Cratchett, why haven't we gotten our rigs in place in Alaska? Dammit, man, we need that oil! Tiny Tim's health care expenses are going to ruin us!"

"Sorry, sir, it seems our exploration efforts have been derailed by the Americans. A certain native tribe called the 'Who' has been rallied by a greenish mascot. They have filed lawsuits and have gotten a preliminary stay to our exploration. Also, our drilling equipment has gone missing."

"But Bush opened up the area to exploration."

"There are apparently some unresolved and fuzzy legal issues that a variety of special interests have decided to help out with."

"Get me on a plane to Alaska, Cratchett. Have our lawyers and our muscle meet me in Fairbanks. I will resolve this --by any means necessary!

So HotBranch!, which cantankerous Christmas curmudgeon controls the crude?

Ebenezer Scrooge, A Christmas Carol


The Grinch, Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas

The Commentary

HOTBRANCH: This battle is Scrooge's faster than it takes George dub-yah to call a reporter an @$$hole. It doesn't matter if this is a legal battle, or a fight to the death, Scrooge and his hired guns will make green eggs and ham out of the Grinch and the residents of Whoville.

Like the election, money is the motivating factor as well as the driving force. The Grinch and his band of ne'er-do-well treehuggers will rapidly find out that the legal system will suck their resources dry. Scrooge has scads of money, with the potential to make scads more, so naturally he will spare no expense to drill every last drop of oil from the Grinch's home. He can replace his stolen equipment with the leftover parts from Monty Burns' slant drilling operation. Scrooge just has to set up his rig in a permissive neighboring county and suck that oil dry while the Who county court drags its heels.

The Grinch went soft when he should have been reveling in his victorious ruination of the Whos' Christmas, but I never figured he'd become a liberal. The Whos are Alaska's answer to Palm Beach county voters: they think the courts will help, but that illusion will fade when the smell of freshly pumped oil hits their nostrils. Scrooge may have become somewhat nicer in the end, but he is still a businessman and he'll make damn certain that he has the Grinch mounted on a plaque for the wall of his study the day after Scrooge Oil goes IPO.

JEFF: Despite my last humiliating Christmas defeat, I will again take the side of the downtrodden. After all, we're talking about a greedy business man who is destroying an idyllic town for the sake of dirty oil profits. How many movies have been based on this theme? And how many times has the evil robber baron come at Christmas? And how many times do they ever win? It just never happens.

You think Scrooge will win in the courtrooms? Come on, technically the Grinch is an endangered species, and the Sierra Club has had a pretty good record at stopping the destruction of endangered species habitat. Outside the courtroom? Forget it! One call to the Grinch's urban cousin, Oscar, and the streets of Whoville will be flooded with Politically Correct (tm), Ethnically Diverse (tm), stickball-playing waifs and fuzzy critters, including a never-before-seen giant yellow bird, and the world's last remaining wooly mammoth ("That's called cooperation, Oscar"). How is it gonna look when the News Hour with Jim Lehrer shows Scrooge henchmen gunning down innocent preschoolers. (begin high pitched cutesy voice) "Elmo is bleeding, Elmo is hurting." (end high-pitched cutesy voice) No way, man. Scrooge may as well give up now.

And Scrooge may have been rich at one time, but with the very generous benefits package he implemented a few years back, expenses have been killing him. Also, his scheme of garnering goodwill by forgiving all debts owed to him has not resulted in higher sales as expected. Personally, I think he made a better business man before the winter of '09 (1809). Since then, his company has just plain struggled.

HOTBRANCH: Elmo is bleeding... Can you imagine any outcome more satisfying for this match? Jeff, you've made the fatal mistake of looking at this match in the realm of reality. This is the Grudge Match, man. There's no place for reality here! Anything that results in carnage and dead puppets with annoyingly high voices is a lock to win. Thanks for the early Christmas present, dude.

As for Scrooge's company, he's not running He was a money-lender. That makes him a banker, for goodness sake! Banks are some of the most profitable businesses around (one look at my bank statement and monthly charges confirms that fact). He uses that uppity young'un John Houseman to tell the world how he makes his money ("The old fashioned way"). Playing the robber baron bit and laying waste to Alaskan tundra is old hat for Scrooge. The movies you speak of usually involve a Grudge loser: the perpetually constipated Steven Seagal (yet another reason why the Grudge masses will rally behind Scrooge to ensure his victory).

The final ace up Scrooge's sleeve is his ability to harness the paranormal. Perhaps the Whos don't think that a furry green creature is spooky, but they're sure to rhyme and run like hell when the chain-laden corpse of Scrooge's partner, Jacob Marley, shows up for backup. Scrooge gets even more help from a Grudge champion, Bill Murray and the Ghostbusters, because Murray played a modern version of Scrooge. I'm guessing that the Ghostbuster particle beams will cut the cooking time for roast Grinch down to about 10 seconds. That's some quality holiday eating!

JEFF: Scrooge may be a money lender, but he's a British moneylender. Remember BCCI? They hire one imprudent summer intern, and the entire 200-year-old establishment is auctioned to the highest bidder. Just think: Cratchett has all those medical bills piling up; I think maybe Scrooge should be going over his books again. And let's not forget our not-so-distant past: remember the S & L scandal? Banks can be as shaky as any other institution, and I don't see Scrooge, Inc. on any AAA rated bonds. Frankly, he has a history of making loans to high-risk accounts. East London is not known for its high income to debt ratio.

Violence on the Grudge Match? You're living in the wrong century, man. That is so 1999. As we ring in the new year with a new President in office, the Grudge Match had better plan on getting family friendly, and pronto! One mention of an eviscerated Elmo, and old Dubya is gonna edit OUR response files, personally. When we have to testify before Congress, remember that I warned you!

The children of Whoville might be afraid of a chain-laden Marley, but don't assume that the Whos are not a spiritual people. Remember, they are natives of an arctic land. They will be able to call upon their spiritual protectors much more readily than Scrooge (who is basically on supernatural probation). Who would you rather have on your side, a sorry, chain dragging, arthritic old fart, or a large-bosomed, flowing-blonde-haired, hammer-and-thunderbolt wielding Valkyre sent directly from the halls of Valhalla? Besides, Jacob Marley paid off his debt to the spiritual world, and as a reward his first name was changed to Bob and he was reincarnated as a Rastafarian guitar player.

Personally, I think Scrooge's best financial strategy would be to buy a moderate, semi-secluded house for the Grinch in the Bahamas, with enough money left over for a small bevy of voluptuous sorority girls. Scrooge would get his oil, Grinch would get his peace and quiet, and Elmo could still be gut-shot. It would be kind of a tie, but everyone (including the Grudge fans) would get what they want. Well, except the Whos, and possibly Elmo, but it was never a perfect fantasy world.

Have a Merry Christmas, Hotbranch! And a happy new year to the Grudge Match visitors.

Thanks to Jean Dupree and Vermin Boy for suggesting this match.

The Results

The Grinch

The Grinch (773 - 61.1%)


Ebenezer Scrooge

Scrooge (493 - 38.9%)

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Voter Comments


Well, I can already imagine what half of the messages that will be sent in in response to this fight will involve... How much the new "Grinch" movie sucks, how it butchered a holiday classic, and how those facts somehow relate to this fight. True, the movie sucks. But I'm not going to fall into the trap of trying to discuss it here.

Instead, I would like to look at another issue raised in the pre- fight commentary: Gory Grudge Battles™. Are they passe? Alas, they seem to be. The days of the Terminator blowing the xenomorphic innards out of the Predator with high-caliber-pieces-O-lead are long past. And with Dubya, Family Values Watchdog (insert echo-effect), about to take the throne, there is clearly no way in Hell for this fight to be won through bloody mayhem... *sniffle*

But a legal battle? Don't make me laugh uncontrolably. That's been passe for a while now, and just like 70's fashion it sucked even when it was the "in" thing. Let's not kid ourselves: We are all Tasteless Americans™ (with a few Canucks and such thrown in), who can't be bothered with something as dull as a courtroom hearing. We only watched the OJ trial for the gory forensics; We only watch "The Practice" for the steamy parts; And, no matter what we tell others, we all liked Godzilla 2000 more than A Civil Action. So even without our beloved gorefest, we Grudgefans won't put up with a repeat of Microsoft vs Disney.

But if we can't have a bloody massacre or a court case, what can we have? What medium of Mighty Combat™ is left. Enter Homer (SIMPSON of course, not greek poet, oh Tasteless One): "I believe there's still a little something called the Swimsuit Competition™."

Yes, the only thing left to seperate Scrooge and Grinch is a contest of physical appearance. Idealy, this contest must be judged by a panel of women/homosexual-males, in order to accurately determine sex-appeal. I am neither. Nevertheless, I feel I can at least make an accurate guess about these qualities by reviewing this handy chart of Facial/Body Assets:

Face: Homely
Body: Wrinkly

Overall Appearance: Monstrously Ugly

Face: Homely
Body: Hairy

Overall Appearance: Monstrously Ugly

Faced with such hideous contestants, the entire panel of judges will collapse into insanity, huddling in corners and gibbering some kind of Lovecraft Babble™. Neither competitor can hope to win this beauty contest.

The Grinch, however, wins by default as the furless Scrooge freezes to death. The Moral: Never hold a swimsuit contest in the Alaskan winter.

- Emar, the Socially Maladjusted

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

As Tree-Huggers, the Whos have no doubt adopted a Thoreou-esque ideology, wherein they live their lives in harmony with their environment. They are dedicated to living their lives naturalarly. Well, according to Hobbes, life in its natural state is "nasty, boorish, and short." And Scrooge will make sure of that.

- The Animator

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Well, in one of "The Christmas Carol" showings, Scrooge was played by George C. Scott who also played Patton. Everyone knows that Patton was a military genius so Scrooge would be able to use tatical knowledge to defeat the Grinch. Scrooge also has lots of money, so he could probably hire a tank division at least. Now what if this happens: (Scene: Scrooge on a ridge overlooking Whoville. Artillery pieces are camoflaged as are tanks. Scrooge is wearing an Army uniform holding a pair of binoculars...) Scrooge: Grinch, you magnificent bastard, I read your book. (The artillery pieces immediately fire on the village removing the Who threat)

- Scrooge beats Grinch George C. Scott style

CBUB already did this fight! If you're lost for ideas, try these for size [snip]
- Big Fan

I hate repeats!
- Katrover

Disclaimer: WWWF has never, will never, and can never "repeat" a CBUB fight. Why? Because WWWF and CBUB are very different stages. Even though the combatants may be the same, the scenario, style, format, arguments, humor, and conclusions are unique. While we try to avoid "repeating" CBUB match-ups, even when we do, it is more of a "remake" than a "repeat", and both are valid, stand alone works . Remember that Ben Hur with Charlton Heston, arguably the greatest movie ever made, was a remake. Of course, so was Point of No Return with Bridget Fonda, but that's not important right now. - Eds.
P.S. Ditto if we ever "repeat" something from Celebrity Deathmatch, except their version will not be a valid, stand alone work.
P.P.S. Even if you don't like a certain match, please send suggestions using the suggestions page instead of the response page.

"Hello everyone. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such environmentally friendly infomercials as 'Spotted-Owl Tastes Like Beef Jerky' and 'Norwegian Baby Seals: The Little Bastards Had It Coming.' But today, I'd like to talk to you about a problem facing Alaska and provide a possible solution brought to you by our friends at P&E Incorporated.

P&E Incorporated is a benevolent, people friendly and environmentally friendly company looking after the little guy, the working stiff, Joe Six-Pack, cute little puppies, and such. We don't pride ourselves on big profits, just fair profits if any profits at all. That's why we want to help. We know that, despite their horrible pasts, Scrooge and Grinch have reformed their wicked ways."

By the way, I voted for the Grinch because he has a cool theme song.

- The Admiral - I didn't mention Monty Burns owns 100 shares of P&E

I will point out that the citizens of Whoville and the Grinch aren't very good enviromentalists, as they eat the extremely rare Who-Beast.

- Anonymous

Hey! Where's the "Both have a change of heart but are mercilessly pounded by the poor souls that they have cheated for so many years" option?

- Fred-o

Let's look at the allies that each contender has.

The Grinch has a bunch of hippie Whos that didn't even riot when the Grinch stole all of their stuff. If that happened here in LA, there wouldn't be a house left unscorched between Lancaster and San Clemente. The Grinch is fighting for the environment, so it is likely the Lorax will be on his side, but what the hell is the Lorax really good for?

Scrooge in a hot minute.

- Jon Dogg

Once the Grinch was established as a relative of Oscar the Grouch, this match ended.

Does anyone remember... this???

Homer Simpson: "But I don't have the pledge money..."

Did you SEE the PBS army go into full deathmatch mode? Big Bird became a frickin' BIRD OF PREY! "Elmo knows where you live!" I almost wet my pants! Hell, the Teletubbies are equipped with laser that put to shame anything in the Quake, Doom, or Duke Nukem files. Oh, and leave us not forget:

Homer: "Oh, no, the HOOLIGANS!!!"

They've got even the English Soccer Hooligans. Scratch one Scrooge. And pray that Grinch&Co. don't come after US next for hating his movie...

- Todd "I loved that flick!" Evil

Given that Alaska is a strongly Republican state, at first glance any court battle over oil drilling would follow the Bush Administration's policy. Thus, Scrooge would appear to have the inside track in any court battle. But things aren't so simple.

Old Scrooge is a miser, and wouldn't drop a farthing to pay for high-powered lawyers. He would represent himself and rely on his own shrewdness.

The Grinch, on the other hand, would receive lawyers and money for legal fees from the Sierra Club, Greenpeace, and numerous other environmental agencies, and thus have the best lawyers that money can buy.

Any hearings and appeals would be held in federal courts. Alaska has a single district, which likely is Republican. Scrooge wins legal round one, despite his legal briefs being written in the margins of waste paper with a fountain pen.

The Grinch, not lacking for lawyer talent or money, would appeal to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, which is perhaps the most liberal Circuit Court in the nation. The judges berate Scrooge for illegible writing, and the Grinch wins easily. The judges not only order a stop to the drilling, but command that Scrooge and President Bush read Al Gore's books. Scrooge's reply of "Bah, humbug!" lands him in jail, while Bush falls into a confused slumber while trying to read the first page.

Scrooge bites the bullet and appeals to the U.S. Supreme Court. The night before the oral arguments, Scrooge is visited by the Ghost of the Exxon Valdez Past, the Ghost of Smog Present, and the Ghost of Global Warming Future. His experiences change his ways, and the new Scrooge runs laughing to the Supreme Court to drop his suit, after sending the Grinch a Perdue Oven Stuffer Roaster chicken. The Grinch, on his way to court, hears Scrooge singing "This Land is Your Land," and his heart grows three sizes, and he agrees to drop his case for the good of the country.

Thus, only the lawyers for President Bush are left in front of the Supreme Court, which rules 5-4 in favor of drilling and castration of the Ninth Circuit Court. So, the Grinch and the wildlife of Alaska are definite losers. Scrooge breaks even, with a loss on profits from the oil exploration but a big win on avoiding Hell. The true winners are the lawyers for the Grinch and the Bush Administration, who come away very rich after contorting justice out of recognition once again.

- Sandy Claws
How can we vote for the Grinch when his new movie sucks so bad? He's soft. He broke and became a nice person, an awful movie and a liberal. He's like a hippie. While he's saying "Peace man, save the trees" Scrooge will kick his butt so hard he'll be able to drill the oil from the Grinch's teeth.

- Noman

Grinch & companions wind up getting hauled off to court for illegally killing and feasting on who-beast, an endangered species. The Grinch, as ringleader (prosecuters note that the Grinch "carved the roast beast"), gets jail time and a heavy fine and the oil rig goes up later the same day.

- Jeffrey

Lawyers, 'Who's, Bankers, oh my! It seems there was an overlooked player in this wicked web of black gold seeking green and old hillbillies. George Bush. Yes, our NRA supporting President-elect will be given a sizable "Christmas Gift" from Scrooge, thus sending Dub-ya into action. He'll round up Charlten Heston, and the best cowboys Texas has to offer, and head off the incoming Who's. Bush will already have his legal team convincing the Supreme Courts to side with him (if he beat Gore in the courts, I don't think anyone could beat Bush in the courts). The Grinch will see his Who's sent back home, too sad to even remember their joyous Christmas spirit, thus hating the Grinch. Scrooge will then have his oil drillers march in and suck the land dry. The Grinch will be secluded back into his cave, comforted only by that little dog. Scrooge will be living large in Beverly Hills with the Clampets. Bush will be swearing in and taking over Clinton's Wild "Animal House". Merry Christmas, and long live Grudge Match!

- JmanX (The X stands for "Getting Coals For Christmas")

HotBranch, are you crazy? Have you gone insane?
You must have had too many blows to the brain
Did you take a hammmer and beat your head in?
There's simply no way that the Grinch will not win
The Grinch is too crafty, and he's no maroon
Never once sold his name to a Disney cartoon
He gained the strength of ten Grinches, plus two
In the span of one night, he robbed every last Who
Think of the planning that takes, and the work!
All Scrooge ever did was be a big jerk
But the real reason Grinch will kick Scrooge's caboose
The Grinch is the product of one Dr. Seuss!
Sure, Scrooge is greedy; yes, Scrooge is mean
Can Scrooge build a Clink-Clanker-Crusher Machine?
Can he build Pop-O-Baffers or Bang-Clang-aroos?
Can he make a Spring-Dangler to hang the Grinch by his shoes?
No, Scrooge can't build those, but the Grinch surely can
The SeussTM provides power beyond mortal man
Yes, the Grinch will win this one; that, everyone knows
'Cause Dr. Seuss rules, while Charles Dickens blows.

- Infraggable Krunk

In the battle of Rocky vs. Rambo, Mark Wentz determined that each film a character appears in equal one person. That would give Ebenezer Scrooge an advantage. But since the Grinch has the strength of 10 Grinches plus two, he could be able to fight back. Plus, if you add the classic TV special, that gives him some strength.

BUT...what if everything regarding the characters made the characters multiply? We would have millions of Ebenezer Scrooges, plus parodies of him, fighting Grinch toys, videotapes, movie theaters showing the film, candy, television advertisments and so on.

I think the Grinch could win by all envelopes with "Happy Who-Lidays from the US Postal Service" cancelation stamps on them alone.

- Ryan W. Mead

Let's assume that the world of the Whos has somehow been teleported out of the dust speck which it occupies and into the human world (perhaps when Q was destroyed the backlash caused this to happen). The Grinch effectively fought city hall and WON, AND he can sabatoge an entire town in ONE NIGHT AND has super-human strength. Also, Scrooge has guardian spirits watching over him who will prevent him from doing anything truely evil by haunting his dreams. Even if this does not stop him outright, it will exaust Scrooge physicly by preventing him from sleeping soundly, making him an easy target. The Grinch wins hands-down.

- Michael Moon

The Grinch doesn't even have to show up to win this one, but he'll show up anyway. Scrooge's ailing body will give out at the first sign of a Humbug-Holiday Cold FrontTM. Ebeneezer's arthritis will lock him up good while the Grinch with the Heart of Ten MenTM will kick his cranky ass into Alaska Future, where Scrooge will learn that The Grinch, with his own green agenda, has reserved all of Alaska as a wildlife refuge and a haven for the cultivation of pot and industrial hemp.

On a more literary note, "Christmas Carol" was written by Charles Dickens. Anyone who had to read Dickens in school knows just how bad Dickens sucks the prefix of his own surnamesake. "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", on the other hand, was penned by Dr. Seuss. We all know that Dr. Seuss kicks the ass right off of Dickens, so the obvious winner and Holiday ChampionTM of this match is the Jolly Old Grinch.

Humbug and Roast Beast to all and to all HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

- Devil
I have to say I voted for Scrooge since the Grinch is currently played by Jim "the Hack" Carrey and I have to vote against him on principle.

- Joel Mathis

Wow, these two combatants are so similar.... Ebenezer has the money, and lots of it...but Dr. Seuss characters have these sick toys with weird names (hubtrumblers, goosewanglers) that pack a mean punch. However, I think that as long as the Mr. Magoo character is Scrooge in this tussle, the Grinch will win. He will just lead him to the highest peak of Mt. Crumpett and let him fall to his demise. Then, with no financial backing, the oil drillers will go get drunk on Bud- Whoser.

- The Earl of Hardcore"

It doesn't matter that Scrooge is an old crotchety loser. The Grinch MUST die. I have suffered the ad campaign, those god-awful Wherehouse commercials... And I have had enough. I have waited forever to see him suffer, so go Scrooge! .... So tired, so very very tired. (And if you think THIS is bad, wait until that god-awful movie comes out on video...)

- Carnagefreak, who can't take it anymore...

Scrooge is the main character in A Christmas Carol, which was written by Charles Dickens. This seals it for the Grinch.

I have never read a book that I hated as much as any of the several Charles Dickens books I was forced to read 6th-9th grade. They were all painfully bad. How this unparalleled hack got to be one of the world's most famous authors is beyond my meager comprehension. I recall my eighth grade English teacher telling the class how Dickens was famous for his amazing plot twists. His plot twists were the most implausible bags of crap I've ever had the displeasure of reading. Your average episode of The Young and the Restless has more believable plot twists than that bastard Dickens. And what's worse, many times Dickens was paid by the word, so he crammed as much boring description into his damn books as possible. I remember one whole page consisting of one and a half sentences. I hate Dickens with a passion.

Dr. Seuss, on the other hand, never caused me any harm. Dr. Seuss brought me such joy when I was child, and the guy eating the green eggs AND the ham in the end is much better than anything Charles Dickhead could ever come up with. Go Grinch!

Who is more ruthless - a mean businessman who wants to make and hold onto money or some green guy who just hates a holiday? Watching the antics of folks like Bill Gates and other corporate CEOs should answer that question. Against corporate meanness, the Grinch is strictly bush-league and cannot possibly compete. When all is said and done, Scrooge will be selling the Grinch to a zoo somewhere and pocketing the profits.

- The Demented Astronomer

Scrooge: Played by George C Scott (the Best Scrooge ever, IMHO), who was also Patton, a 5-Star General who stomped a new one into Rommel, slapped around a shell shocked soldier for being a sissyboy, and shot a donkey for holding up his convoy.

The Grinch: Portrayed by Jim Carrey, Who also played Ace Ventura, a man who squealed like a dolphin, talked through his butt, and got his ass kicked by Tommy "I'd call him a toothpick but that's insulting the toothpick" Davidson.

I think you can do the math.

- Big Time Danny Cool
My response is simple: the Grinch loses because a man, dead or not, with the name "Marley" is going to smoke (literally) anything green he comes across.

- Nick Zachariasen

Wellll, we have a slight size problem here. If you read "How the Grinch stole christmas", the book says that the whole story takes place on a snowflake. That would make the Grinch about 3-4 pm tall, and Scrooge about 2-3 m tall. If Scrooge we're to inhale, the force of the wind would probably kill the Grinch.

- Kahkaren

Grinch vs. Scrooge could be very easily be boiled down to...

Dr. Seuss vs. Charles Dickens.

Dr Seuss' The Cat in the Hat and Green Eggs and Ham gave me hours of enjoyment when I was 3.
Charles Dickens' Great Expectations and A Tale of Two Cities gave me hours of excruciating boredom when I was 14.


- The HeartBurn Kid

Yeah, right. Scrooge and his wimpy lawyers up against Grinch, Max, and all the Whos armed with gubdobbels and slendinglers? Good luck with that!

- Mark Wentz

Scrooge sits in the Nome Suburb Community Center(tm) after evading Tina Turner, who had come to get polar bears to use as a wig. Moments later a Dark Force-weilding Buerocrat Minion(tm) steps in and ushers him into a small meeting room, where his opponent is waiting.

After 90 minutes and several negotiations, buy-outs, discussions, donuts and coffee, insults, minor concussions, another flunkie enters the room.

"What now?" says the Grinch, making a ridiculous facial contortion.

"Ah, sirs," says the flunkie, in Dark Force Monotone(tm) "I feel I must inform you the oil rights were bought out half an hour ago."

"No!" shreiks Scrooge, "I just lost an eye for this? What Skulking hound stole the rights?"

"Here is my associate's card." intones the flunkie. "I believe his offices are located in upstate New York."

Meanwhile, in Bedford Falls...

A wheelchair is located inside the window of an important-looking bank. Mr. Potter surveys his new Alaska property, and smiles.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism(Ya never miss a trick, do ya Hotbranch, well you're gonna miss this one...)

Look who we have here. First, there's someone who starts off cramped of spirit, resenting any bounty and good cheer others might have. Over the course of mere hours, however, his heart and mind are turned around, partly through a brush with an adorable child whose life he is personally making harder. He becomes generous and loving, making Christmas better for everyone after all.

Second, we have ... the exact same thing.

Spooky, isn't it? Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch are essentially the same person. Almost makes you wish you had listened to Shirley MacLaine. Okay, it doesn't, but it makes you wish you had listened to someone else expounding on the theory of reincarnation.

So, how to choose between these two sides of the same soul in conflict with itself? We can take our cue from how the sides are portrayed to us. Essaying Scrooge, we start with the classic turn of Alistair Sim, and move on to Albert Finney, George C. Scott, Michael Caine, Patrick Stewart. Consider these talented gentlemen for a moment.

Portraying the Grinch we have ... Jim Carrey.

Gosh, Shirley MacLaine would've made a better contest of this.

In the end, Scrooge exemplfies class, and the Grinch exhibits, well, 60% of that.

- Call me Shane

I got a Playstation 2 for Christmas, and I'm so happy that I want both of them to win. Merry Christmas to all!

- My name is Kenny

Scrooge will lose because he was created by Charles Dickens. As such, he has several disadvantages:

a) Anybody who's ever had to read "Bleak House" or "David Copperfield" in school knows that a Dickens character can stick it out for 800 pages or more until they die tragically or end up marrying some sappy heroine who uses words like "forbear." The Grinch, as a Dr. Seuss character, can only last as long as the attention span of a small child, which is even shorter now than when "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" was written. The Grinch will get everything done in a jiffy, while Scrooge's narrator is still busy telling us what he thinks of government bureaucracy and sooty streets.

b) Anybody who's ever read a Dickens novel will also know that there always has to be a long-lost mother or lookalike twin, and that people who didn't seem to have anything to do with the plot will, by a series of idiotic coincidences, turn up later and solve everything. Scrooge will probably turn out to have a long-lost Who child (the product of a youthful indiscretion between him and Cindy Lou Who's mother) who will soften his heart yet again before he perishes in one of the many senseless zamboni incidents so common in the Great White North (tm).

c) If it comes down to a battle between all the creations of the two respective authors, Scrooge's side hasn't a prayer. Dozens of simpering heroines in bustles, wimpy young heroes who mainly know how to stand still and let actually interesting characters do their stuff, and assorted people who spend their time in wheelchairs, debtor's prisons, and Chancery court...against the awesome persuasive powers of Sam-I-Am, the sheer bulk of Horton, and the terrifying Feline In the Headgear? The only hope the Dickens characters would have is if they send Krook from "Bleak House" on a kamikaze mission to spontaneously combust in the Seuss camp. Otherwise, they don't stand, well, a Dickens of a chance.

- Captain Corcoran

It's a proven fact that most Internet users have the attention span of a two year-old child with a serious crack addiction and a fondness for double mocha cappuccinos chased with Jolt Cola. And since there is a "Grinch" movie out right now, that is what will be on their minds before they surf over to Grinch will win in a ADD-fueled landslide.

- Xoxotl

Does it really matter? Both combatants are in the pansified "Oh I finally understand the meaning of Christmas! Sorry everyone I hurt!" mode by scenario alone. I forsee a George W. Bush win via Fuzzy Math.

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee

Another CBS special, "Halloween is Grinch Night," reveals that the Whos are not blissfully ignorant but regard our green antagonist as their dreaded scourge. When the weather conditions are wrong, various Seuessian freshwater mammals create a dyn, provoking the Grinch to descend from his mountain lair with a mammoth cart full of nasty unnamed things.

I submit to you that the Grinch is an expert at concocting and administering hallucinogenic drugs, since:
1) he names his canine accomplice "Max," as in "maxxing out" on a fatal overdose
2) the Grinch repeatedly refers to his cart as "the paraphanelia wagon"
3) the entire town dashes to their homes and bolts their doors and windows in terror
4) a Whovian boy (no, not a British sci-fi fan - I mean a local resident) faces up to and withstands the brunt of these fearsome attacks, revealing them to be only psychodelic illusions resembling a particularly bad trip.

Past history shows that full-force images can frighten Mr. Scrooge into compliance. If it worked well enough before to permanently alter Ebenezer's lifestyle, making him back off from a climate that's too miserable even for a Londoner should be easy hat. Dr. Timothy Leary, eat your heart out.

- Matt Bricker

As anyone who has seen "Horton Hears A Who" knows, the Whos and Whoville along with the now pathetically sappy Grinch are all on a dustspeck. Scrooge needs to fire his surveyors for being conned by the Sierra Club into believing that the Grinch and his comrades are anything worth noticing. Sure, a whole village of genetic mutants sounds mighty terrifying until you figure that anything the size of a dust mite is pretty freaky looking. "The Grinch" is obviously a code word evironmentalists have used for a woefully inadequate biological warfare campaign. God forbid a virus meant to kill capitalist starts killing off the endangered one-eyed slug fly! Being that "The Grinch" is a health hazard way less than the common cold Scrooge need only pack a can of Lysol(TM) and a shovel. Once he finds "Whoville" a quick spray will end any and all obstacles from his inaugural ground-breaking cerimony.

- Roger Alicea

Grinch vs. Scrooge?!?!? Give me a physical break!!! By the time the corporate jet from Scrooge and Marley Investments and management Inc.(Which, by the way, is listed on the New York Stock Exchange as SaM I.M.) arrives at the airport in Fairbanks, old Ebanezeer will have called "Dubya" and the rest of the White House crowd and reminded them of the huge fundraising event he sponsored for them last June at his palacial estate in New Jersey (the home state of the next head of the EPA. Lets see those little who F--kers make their case before the Good Mrs. Whitman-"Should we Drill? I think we will! Will that make you cry? F--k off and die!!!).

Dick Cheney (geez he is no friend of big oil is he?)will explain to the president that the individuals calling themselves the 'Who' are not the rockers he got stoned listening to when he was in college, but are actually related to the political reporters for the New York Times, thus they are A--Holes who are trying to subbblimmminuully influence the american public into not allowing cheny and George Sr.s oil companies to drill and make more money to fuel more republican Campaigns.

George W. will declare a national crisis, declare marshall law all along the North Slope, and instruct the Corps of Engineers to immediately begin sub-contracting with Daddy to drill oil in the Wilderness preserve. If any muppets attempt to get envolved, Bush will threaten them with a serious cut in PBS funding. Then our next President will go see "Dude where's my car?" If this tact doesn't work, Scrooge will simply Hire enough lawyers to fight this in court until the Grinch is forced to do kitty litter commercials with the Cat-in-the-Hat to pay for his attorney costs.

- Themadokie


"Hello everyone. Im Troy McClure. You may remember me from such environmentally friendly infomercials as 'Spotted-Owl Tastes Like Beef Jerky' and 'Norwegian Baby Seals: The Little Bastards Had It Coming.'"

- The Admiral

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Santa v. Teamsters
Chucky v. Toy Story
Ross Perot v. Montgomery Burns

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Next Match: War of the Roses.
ETA: Monday, January 1st, 2001

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