World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

G2: Grudgement Day

The Scenario

The City -- A familiar blue behemoth leaps from rooftop to rooftop. As usual, his footprints disgorge great chunks of brick and concrete, which hurtle down to the by-now perpetually wary residents of the City. But this time gobs of webbing shoot out, pinning them against walls.

"Yo, blue boy!" Spider-Man yells, swinging from a web strand onto the roof. "You wanna not leave all these airborne potholes?!"

"Hey, neat! You've got goo hand powers!"

"Yeah, and I'm practically out of webbing from thwipping up all of the roof chunks you're leaving in your wake! The Avengers sent me here to give you a cease and desist. They've gotten eight supervillain calls this month from the City, and seven of them were just you landing on their roofs."

"Hey, do you see me telling you how to run your job? No sirree Bob! Now if you excuse me, I've got villainy to fight." He leaps off the rooftop.

"You're doing more damage than any of the villains in the City, Tick! It'd be more cost efficient to let Dinosaur Neil run rampant!"

"Hey, don't bring Neil into thi-" A water tower breaks the Tick's train of thought.

"See!" Spider-Man yells, "You're a klutz! No wonder you're named after a spasm! Just go home, let the competent heroes run the show."

The Tick rubs water out of his ear. "Never! Well, uh, I mean ... uh, never!"

Spider-Man drops to the wet roof. "OK, pack your bags and program the VCR, cause you're on the next bus to Flat on Your Ass, Nevada."

The Tick points triumphantly. "Know this, misguided weirdo, you won't stop this decency chef from dishing out big ladles of justice! Not with all the goo in the world!"

So, Mark, which un-aptly appendaged arachnid will administer an ass-whooping?

The Tick Spider-Man

The Tick



Please welcome our latest guest commentator, Kilgore Trout. After repeatedly thumping our staff over the head with a partially thawed trout (rumor has it Kilgore was using his great-great-great grandpappy) we consented to let him have his shot at commenting a match. We are happy to have reeled his demented mind from the the WWWF fishing hole™.

The Commentary

MARK: Well, imagine my good fortune. I'm here to argue for the Tick and, coincidentally, the Tick will win. Why? You see, the Tick is "MIGHTY!" Just ask him; he'll tell you.

Ticks, by their very nature are virtually indestructible. Spiders, however, are not. Have you ever tried to smoosh a spider? Pretty easy, isn't it? Have you ever tried to smoosh a tick? Nope. It can't be done. At least it can't without doing major damage to whatever it is the tick is on.

The Tick is also very destructive, as proven by looking at the building roofs that he uses to patrol The City. Spider-Man can't destroy anything. He climbs walls and catches things. Whoop-dee-doo! Put him in the outfield or at shortstop, but not in a WWWF match. His powers are of no use in this contest.

The Tick wins, with enough time for a heroically profound moral.

KILGORE TROUT: Oh, come on. A monkey playing checkers could beat the Tick.

Let's go over Spider-Man's assets here. Super strong, super agility, webbing, spider sense, can stick to walls, genius scientist, can take a picture, hasn't lost a fight in thirty five years, somehow still in his twenties, flagship Marvel character. And the Tick: "MIGHTY!" ... and that's it. Certainly no brains to match Spidey: this guy didn't even know he had pockets until the second season. He's not even invulnerable; he's NIGH-invulnerable, which means that he's invulnerable unless the plot calls for him to be hurt! And is Marvel going to let the Tick write this fight? Can the Tick even write?

This match is really just two classic Spidey matches put together. It's 1.) the hero vs. hero match, which Spider-Man always gets involved in because every new Marvel hero needs to meet Spider-Man in the first year. He's got Tick over a barrel here, since the only other heroes the Tick's ever met were Die Flautermaus, Sewer Urchin and the other losers who get scared by the Breadmaster.

This is also 2.) the Spider-Man vs. big dumb lummox match, which Spidey's also a pro at. He's defeated the Rhino and Electro and Hydro Man dozens of times, and always by tricking them into getting hit by trains or something. The Tick accidentally gets himself hit by trains as it is, so Spidey could just hide and let the Tick K.O. himself if he wanted.

The Tick's going be hung upside down from a lamp post at the police station within five minutes, tops.

MARK: To quote the Tick, "Don't count your weasels before they pop, dink!"

Wow! That list of Spider-Man's assets you give makes me think of a combination Fred MacMurray, Dick Clark, and that delivery dude on Mad TV. Anywho, the Tick is right there. If Spider-Man needs spider sense to find someone right in front of him, perhaps ol' Spidey should use his scientific genius to prescribe himself some corrective eyewear.

And what's with this "Classic Spidey matches" stuff? Is this a WWWF match or is it a flashback clip episode?

Yes, the Tick does get hit by trains and does run into things. But he also always wins. Why? Because he's indestructible and he's mighty! He'll rip Spider-Man's silly-strings, er, webs apart and pummel Spider-Man. It don't take a genius (or a checkers-playing monkey) to think up that strategy.

As you probably noticed, I did mention the same arguments as I did earlier: the Tick IS mighty and the Tick IS indestructible. If you can pummel the other guy and you can't be pummeled yourself, you can't lose. The Tick cannot lose!

Finally, my wife (who happens to be so intelligent she doesn't even waste her time with WWWF Ground Zero) made this observation: "Tick is funny--Spidey is lame-o." I think that says it all. Funny beats lame-o any day; thus Tick beats Spider-Man.

KILGORE TROUT: Spidey not funny? SPIDEY NOT FUNNY?! This guy started the whole banter-through-the-fight routine! Granted not every line he's said is someone's high school yearbook quote, but when you're up against the Sinister Six AND protecting your girl of the moment (flawless record in that department, Gwen Stacy notwithstanding), you're allowed to get away with a dud or two. Lord knows most of what the Tick said isn't Tonight Show material, or even Kilbourne.

Let's bring up the home factor here. If Spider-Man wins, he goes back home to his wife Mary Jane, arguably the hottest woman in the Marvel universe. There's plenty of lonely fifteen year olds who'd raise their hands that Mary Jane gets them through the hard days at school. Well, if their hands weren't otherwise occupied. She is more than enough for Spidey to use to win this fight; he could be Joe Sweatsock, but if he had a woman like Mary Jane to come back to he'd be mopping up with some big blue butt. In fact, Spidey not getting home to her might just bring upon .... yep, the Rage™.

If the Tick wins, he goes back home to Arthur. Arthur. Would anyone want to even hang out with this guy, much less use him as an inspiration to win a battle? He's a pudgy schlub whose 'superpower' is a backpack and who has to borrow his sister's station wagon to get anywhere beyond his flabby arm power. If anything, this is motivation for the Tick to throw the fight and end his miserable sleeping-on-Arthur's-couch existence.

One last point: Spider-Man has been to most every point imaginable, including the Savage Land, other planets, other dimensions, several other comic companies' universes, and Staten Island. The Tick went on exchange once, to Belgium. There's just no substitute for experience, kids.

Thanks to Beej, Mister Silverback, and Mike Bell for being brave enough to suggest this arachnid armagedon.
Mister Silverback likes to rant political and support the persecuted.
Several others who suggested this match failed to provide names or email addresses.

The Results

The Tick (677 - 51.7%)

bugs out

Spider-Man (632 - 48.3%)

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Voter Comments

After unsuccessfully employing the Iron Fist to cut back these responses, Power Man had to be called in.
Kilgore hopes at least one person got that, although he's not holding out hopes that the one person who got it would consider it remotely funny.

Much to our surprise, today we found several beaten up, seedy looking types encased in webbing hanging from the ceiling of the WWWF Tower voting control room. Attempting to rig the election in the favor of Spider-Man, the world's favorite web crawler turned them in himself. OK, we made that all up. But you have to admit, it sounded good. Regardless, over 100 tainted votes have been eliminated.


Gold Grudgie First, you could do this in terms of the power of their guest stars. The Tick has the Firesign Theatre appearing in nearly every episode, possibly America's greatest comedy troupe ever. Spidey has... Mark Hamill.

Then, there's my stronger theorem. If this were 20 years ago, I might give this one to Spidey. Back then, the ol' webslinger was energetic: He made little quips, he jumped around, he beat the villain (In ONE issue, I might add), went home to his kindly Aunt May and his Hot Girlfriend(TM), the end.

But times have changed. Like so many of the once great heroes, Spiderman has become "Grim 'n' Gritty". He broods, he kills, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

The Tick is untroubled. He's happy! He's optimistic! He's clinically insane! Here's how I think the match will go:

TICK: Very well, I'll just have to play your little sanitation game, vile arachnid-spawn!

(Tick throws a large brick wall at Spidey. Spidey jumps out of the way, but sees a wrestling poster on the wall)

SPIDEY: (Gasps) Wrestling! Uncle Ben! It's all rushing back to me, and it's even more painful than the last 32 times today! (Fades into flashback) I had decided to use my powers for my own good, instead of for mankind...

(The flashback fades out. We see Spidey hunched over, staring at the wall, muttering, engrossed in his flashback)

TICK: Uhh... You okay?
TICK: Hello? (Taps Spidey on shoulder)
TICK: (Shouting in Spidey's ear) Hello?! You awake in there, Mister!
TICK: What?
SPIDEY: YOU EVIL MURDEROUS MONSTER!!! (Spidey lunges at Tick, hits his chest, bounces off, and lands in a crumpled heap, sobbing)

TICK: Hey, watch it! You almost tore my pockets!
SPIDEY: (sobbing) Oh, I'm sorry! I should never have raised my hand to a fellow superhero!
TICK: You are one weird mamajama, you know that?
SPIDEY: But wait... That suit... VENOM! You evil cad! I should have known I shouldn't have given you a 97th chance! It ends now! (Spidey charges again)
TICK: Now, hold on there, "man." I know I don't seem "with it," but I think we can be "marvy" about this. (Tick makes a peace sign)
SPIDEY: (Still charging) You lying, evil-- (Pokes his eyes on the Tick's outstretched fingers) OH, CHRIST!

(Spiderman staggers around and falls into a trash can, which falls over and rolls down the stairs into the City's subway system)

TICK: There's a lesson to be learned here. You can't take life too seriously in the superhero business. Then you get sort of like one of those gross kitchen sponges! (MOAV members gather around, soaking in his every word. The Tick continues) But not the kind that get washed on a regular basis! No, friend, I'm talking about the kind that never, ever get washed, and all that grease and filth and dried lasagna sticks there, and when you try to remove it, it's too late, and the sponge will forever be brooding to itself about dishes it failed to clean and the other sponges it accidentally killed! No, you have to wash your sponge every day, or else you'll end up bitter and hateful! Right, Speak??

(Speak rolls one eye, falls over)


- Vermin Boy

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie The TICK for one reason and one reason only: At least he can stand up straight. Spidey always looks constipated. Also he doesn't have a mouth-hole in his outfit. How intelligent is that? No wonder he's so scrawny.

- The Commitee for Laxative Introdution To Our 'Really Intelligent' Superheroes (or C.L.I.....never mind)

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie Spidey has no chance...his silly string won't stop the Tick.

Now, if it were ducttape...

- Tristan "The Griffon Master" Pratt, head of local chapter 1123 of the Devin Fan Club

This is the best battle between two superpowered arachnids since Spiderman whipped the stuffing out of the Scorpion for the umpteenth time or the time the Tick pummeled Barry, the Tick wannabe with his nifty electric powered shield. Now I'm sure some people are going to start babbling about how this is a brains vs. brawn match and others will vote for Spiderman simply because he's a comic book legend or the Tick because they hate Marvel. As compelling as some of these arguments may be, the key to this matchup is very obvious to the cartoon connoisseur. Catchphrases are everything. Catchphrases can make or break an animated character's immortality!

Classic examples include the Looney Tunes characters:
"What's up, Doc?" Bugs "The Uberbunny" Bunny
"I tawt I taw a putty tat." Tweety "Undigestable" Bird
"That's All Folks!" Porky "Enunication is the k-k-key to suc...suc..suc...happiness!" Pig
"Now boy, look here, I say, look here boy!" Foghorn "Windbag" Leghorn
"You're despicable" Daffy "Death to the Cotton Tailed one" Duck
"MEEP MEEP" Road Runner (What more can you say about the Road Runner?)
"____" Wily E. "I'm screaming on the inside." Coyote

And The Hanna Barbara Group:
"Scooby dooby doooooo!" (You know who said it...)
"Yabba dabba doo!" (Ditto)
"JET-SON!" George "Is that really my first name?" Spacely.
"Ay Boo-Boo...I'm in the mood for a few picnic baskets." Yogi "No wonder nobody comes here-it's too crowded" Bear
"La La La La La La...La la la la la" Countless tiny blue midgets with funny hats...we dare not mention their names.

Even modern cartoons have had a few. Remember:
"Autobots...ROLL OUT!"
"Ready team? Let's form...VOLTRON!"
"And knowing is half the battle...Go Joe!" (what is the other half anyway? doing?)
And I won't even try to mention all the Simpsons catchphrases. (If that's okily dokely with you all. Wa-hey, spare me with the hurting and the pain and the deletion oh nice adjudicator person!)

The point is this: The catchprases a character uses can clinch the victory. Does anyone remember anything about Mighty Mouse other then his "Here I come to save the day" theme? Of course not.

With all that said, let's compare our two competitors' favorite catchphrases and see which one is the ultimately the more memorable:

"With great power comes great responsibility."
-Inherently profound and meaningful
-A lesson that can be applied many times in a superhero's life...or in Spiderman's case, throttled down his throat a few billion times.
-Gets more annoying upon repeating.

-A battlecry capable of both rallying hope among allies or spreading the seeds of fear and confusion deep in the hearts of the enemies of justice.
-Gives Tick some powerful allies, including the surrealist artists of the 1920s like Salvador "Hello" Dali or Rene "This is not a's a spoon" Magritte and of course, the psychokinetic legions of the king of New Age TK, Uri Geller
-Never goes out of style, always appropriate, no matter how many times you repeat it
-Fewer words, less of a mouthful
and finally:
-It's funny! Memorable Humor appeals to the masses. Morality just doesn't sell.

Therefore, based on the Catchphrase Theory of Cartoon [TM], I predict the Tick to emerge victorious and extend his own unique blend of justice over the City once again.


- Chronos

Of all the responses that included the infinite SPOOOOOOOO <breath> OOOOOOOOOOOO <breath> OOOOOOOON!, this was by far the longest. - Eds.

I'm sorry, did I hear someone say that Marvel wouldn't let the Tick control the script? Gentlemen, Marvel is bankrupt and more poorly managed than a Team-Building Workshop full of Pointy-Haired BossesTM. The main question is if Marvel can keep Spidey's car from getting repossessed long enough to meet up with Tick. They'll let the script be written by anyone who will work for Special Commemorative Editions of Superman #1,143 ("It's a prime number! Sure to be a collector's item!" --Marvel marketing guru)

Furthermore, the Tick has Speak. That's right, a capybura who is capable of speech in countless halucinations. ("I'll call you Speak, 'cause that's what you do!" --Tick") Now, if it came down to facing a acrobatic Generation-Xer with poor fashion taste or a strapping specimen of the world's largest rodent, any sensible person would start pummeling the twentysomething.

Not only is Speak capable of imaginary vocalization, he has a vestigial tail. Surely you know of the fearsome kung-fu fighting forms, like the Moseying Koala or the Nonplussed Toad, that can be accompished only with a vestigial tail, and thus can only be learned by capybaras and the more inbred specimens of Arkansas trailer parks. Thus the basis of Stalin's criticism of the Catholic Church's power, "How many vestigial tails has the Pope?"

I could go on, mentioning the devastating offensive power of Die Fleidermaus' mood music, Arthur's awesome accounting skills, or the convenient maplight in the Tick's terrible war machine, Arthur's Sister's Car. But that would be overkill. The Tick wins, and Speak sharpens his teeth on Spiderman's bones.

-Rosencrantz, evil hunter of Capybara and other Fearsome Rodentia

- And just to show you I'm evil, just watch as I SWALLOW THIS KITTEN! [meow]

Much as I love my boy Spidey, it's his own nature that's gonna get him here. Namely, the webslinger has got the worst case of bad luck/angst generating situations I've ever seen in anyone breathing. Let's just do a cursory summation of some of the highlights here: Spider-Man got into his career after getting his uncle killed courtesy of his mistakes, he generally seems to be a bit less than financially secure on many occasions (and his main method of getting cash is pictures of himself getting smacked around by bad guys; not the most fun way to earn money), his main public mentions are being blasted by a insanely prejudiced newspaper owner, Gwen Stacy was murdered on him (in a way that at least must feel like partially his fault, which has got to sting) and even before then he seemed to go through girlfriends like crazy, he's lost his first child, for a while there he was convinced he was a clone, and last but not least he's got Venom (an embodiment of Mentos Coolness AND the Rage combined if ever there was one) personally gunning for him. Not to mention the true cruelty of living in New York City. And this is just the stuff someone who barely follows the comics can come up with; I imagine a really well-informed fan could probably fill the Ritalin Reading Room up with a reply mentioning every single way the world has conspired to kick Spider-Man in the head. The fact he actually managed to snag Mary Jane without her being killed off/leaving because of his superhero career/cheating on him can only be ascribed to a miracle or else an attempt by Marvel to give SOME reason why he hasn't just given up and paged Dr. Kervorkian by now. With that kind of life history, getting humiliatingly beaten up by a blue lunatic yelling "Spoon!" would not only be par for the course but in Spidey's case might actually be a better than normal day for him...

- "Mad Dog" Mike

First, we must remember two immutable laws of Superheroes...

1) Spider Man's never, and will never, lose. He'll win in the end. +1
He's lost fights. -1
He's lost his identity. -1
He's lost teeth (which will mysteriously return later). +/-0
I seem to recall him nearly being eaten by Galactus, till that silver surfer loser saved him. For being saved by someone on a surf board, -3
But he will never REALLY lose. Not like those wussy DC superheroes, always losing hands/getting their backs broken/getting killed/getting killed three times(Robin).

Total score for Spider Man: -4

2) The Tick has never, and will never, lose. +1
He's never lost a fight. +1
But the villian might get away for a while. -1
He might ALMOST lose his identity -1, but will end up beating the crap out of the loser trying to steal his name. +1
He hasn't lost any teeth to my knowledge as of yet, but he did lose little wooden boy to a signal fire, which freed him from a giant cross-country running Whale. +1
He blew himself into space with explosives, from the moon, landed on Omnipotus, and kept him shiny and free of rouge asteroids in a galactic go-cart. +1
Thus far, none of his fellow superheroes have not been harmed either, except for the occasional headache.

Total score for The Tick: +3

3) The battle is being fought in The City. The Tick has never lost a battle in The City. The City is his home turf. It is what makes him mighty. It is what makes him a Hero. Without it he's just a blue freak. This gives him...yes, that's right...THE RAGE. Result: An additional +5 for The Tick.

4) The Tick's sidekick and hero associates will try to help him. These are the most pathetic super heroes ever. They make Aqua Man look good. -13 for everyone but American Maid, who is far cooler than either Wonder Woman or the Bionic Woman, who grants a +1. Result: The Tick's score is now -4.

As a result of their tying negative scores, neither one of them will be able to lay a hand on each other. So they decided to arm-wrestle to see who should leave The City...and The Tick is a master of arm wrestling, as any great Tick fanboy, or The Tick Jihad (There is no Jihad), knows. They agree to draw up a truce and go beat the crap out of Aqua Man. Later, The Tick went to the SuperHero's club, and Peter Parker went home to use his wall crawling abilities on Mary Jane.

And there was much rejoicing.


- Paul "Evil Canadian #2" Martin

I worship the tick as a god, but i cannot vote for him in this match, for he will be challanged by historys most incidious foes....the environmentalists.......why Would these people hope to stop the Big Blue Lump of justice?.....well i'll tell you.....because the tick has participated in one of the most horrible cases of environmental degridations ever to occur.....the extermination of the gentle ninja..(see The Tick:Night of the million-zillion ninja) One long ago these gentle creatures lived in the primeval forests of japan, carrying for their young(ninjlets)and assasinating prey to feed the community....But the gentle creatures were soon confronted by the wiley samurai who sounght to hunt the ninja for their pelts which brought a heathy profit on the market(the results of this hunt can be seen to this day on that cruel comercial holiday called Halloween...remember, every time you see a child in a ninja costume, remember, a young ninja gave it's life so that the child might go out and gorge itself on candy)..... Now the Tick was unaware of this terrible genocide, and as he is a simple creature, he was quckly tricked by the wiley Paul the samurai(the descendent of those very samurai who started the poaching of ninja)to help him destroy the new habitat of the ninja......NinjaWorld(tm) The tick did not conciously know that he was contributing to the destruction of natures most precious creatures, but this will not matter to the environmentalists. And though they are not capible of defeating the tick, they will slow him down. They will try to pummel him, or block his path, and the tick not wanting to hurt them, he will go into an explination why the environmentalists should wrk hand in hand with him to make the city a better place(and as the tick is only capible of one train of thought at a time, he will forget spidey completely, leaving the web slinger the winner....kindof

- Amish Commando


- Nick "the Maniac Clown" Zachariasen

This conference of the eight-legged poster children is rather sparse with only Spidey and the Tick in residence. All other eight- appendaged persons interrupt the fray-Dr. Octopus, Spiral (from Mojoworld), Harvey Korman's French Chef-ripoff charatcer from the Star Wars Holiday Special, Kuato and the dude he's sharing a stomach with from Total Recall, and the monster from South Park with TV's Patrick Duffy as its leg.

Before they can begin arguing over the merits of just named after the eight-legged or actually having eight limbs, the eighth member of the group shows up-the Hindu God Vishnu! She shoots a big blue bolt out of her six big blue hands, killing six of the instantly. Only the Tick is left standing.

"Hey, blue hand-woman, do you know a guy named Six-Gun?"

Vishnu looks at him, smiles, and vanishes-knowing that her mission to rid the world of jokes about the eight-limbed is over. She left Tick standing because there's far too many reasons to make fun of him other than for having an eight-legged namesake.

- Wubbie

I'd have to give my vote to The Fly. "Helllp meeeeeee!"

- Evan D.

As compelling as the argument for The Tick was *discreet cough* I'm afraid that against a veteran like spidey he just cannot win. Not only is Peter Parker a scientist, a journalist, an action hero, a sweet-talker, an acrobat, a detective, and a maker of witty and biting remarks during the course of a battle, but he's also something that Trout(TM) neglected to mention - A Pro Wrestler. Just do a little background work and you'll see that he paid his bills by trashing huge guys in the ring before his super-heroin' days. Face it - this guy has more talent than Buckeroo Banzai(TM). The tick is simply out-classed in this match-up. It's kind of sad, really. Like watching the Taco Bell Chihuahua take on Droopy Dog. *sigh*

- -Juxtapose

It all comes down to theme songs.

The Tick has that little jazzy number with the singer 'scatting' the main melody.

Spider-Man has had two main theme songs over the ages. The first being the "Spider-Man, Spider-Man. Does whatever a spider can..." theme and the newer instrumental written and performed by Joe Perry of Aerosmith.

Jazz is cool, but Aerosmith Rocks. Advantage Spidey.

(apologies to anyone who now has the Spider-Man song running through their heads at this time)

- Weird Uncle Dave

OK, I'll put this simply so the readers of Marvel Comics can understand me...Spiderman is going down faster than Monica Lewinski at a White House Christmas Party

That's right! The Tick is gonna end up squishing the Spider, and I'll tell you why: Staying Power

The Tick is just like Rocky Balboa, form and coordination just aren't that important when you have an ungodly amount of muscle and limitless stamina. Did you see what Rocky ended up doing to that Russky after taking a beating for 10 rounds?! The Tick got dropped 10,000 feet into the path of a speeding train, and came away with no more injury than a mild case of British. That's tough.

Sure, Spidey might get in the early hits...he'll probably tangle the Tick up in some web, but then what? He'll have to resort slapping the Tick like the sissy that he is until he's all tired out. THAT'S when the Tick busts outta them cords and opens up a fresh can of Whupp-Ass TM.

And now that we get to it, Spiderman is a one-trick-pony. He's a science geek who's only fighting tactic is to allow some Sticky, Viscus Fluid TM to drip from his palms. (Ever wondered how THAT idea occured to him?) I mean come on! The guy's own costume slapped him around like a red-headed stepchild!

The Tick, on the other hand, is endlessly versatile. Spidey will be saying to himself "Hmmmm, maybe I'l shoot a web at him..." when all of a sudden, he'll be hit with a facefull of kitchen! Or maybe if the Tick is in a generous mood, he'll plop Lil' Petey down in the World's Most Comfortable Chair. However he choses to dispatch Stan Lee's little freak, Spiderman will never know what hit him!

Lastly, I should point out that the Tick has a cool battle cry...Spidey's got zilch. The first time Petey-boy hears the awe-inspiring call of "SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!!!" the only part of him that'll be sticking to the walls will be his drawers.

- Sugar Daddy

Ok, this all boils down to slogans. If some alleged "super" hero told you he was the "friendly neighborhood spider-man", would you feel threatened? ....Of course not. You'd feel like this was a guy who would let you borrow a cup of sugar, or have a BBQ on a saturday afternoon. However, if and eight-foot tall blue dude with antennae just shouted "SPOOOOOOOOOON" at the top of his lungs, you would freak, right? You would think "aww, jeez, this guy's a psycho!". The Tick makes paste out of the spider in under 2 minutes.

- Daniel "Four yacks and a dog?" Lyons

There's no way in hell that using Mary Jane as inspiration will win this match for Spidey. Such a tactic will only lead to certain demise.

I mean, think about it. Spider-Man rushes the Tick with thoughts of Mary-Jane Watson floating through his mind. Suddenly the Tick bellows his famous battle cry:SPOOOOOONNNN! The cry takes on a whole new meaning in the context of Mary-Jane. Suddenly distracted, Spider-Man stops in his tracks. Seizing the opportunity, the Tick charges Spider- Man like a raging bull. Tick misses about five to the left, and his momentumn sends him plunging off the other side of the roof. The Tick plows into the side of an office building across the way, collapsing it's foundation, and sending the entire high-rise structure toppling down upon the the very rooftop on which Spidey still stands.

The Last Thoughts Of Spider-Man:...Oooh man, Mary-Jane, lower...wha?...My Spider Sense is tingli-IIIEEAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

- Emar, the Socially Maladjusted

Recent "The Tick" shows: good ol' style animation, appearing to the naked eye as being hand drawn.

Recent "Spiderman" shows: cheezy computer animated backgrounds and choppy moving characters.

Hard, hump-busting manual labor always defeats technology. Evidenced in both Terminator movies, The Matrix, that one Superman with Richard Pryor before he torched himself, and Tron. Okay wait, in Tron it was sorta technology beating technology, but it was hump-busting manual technology beating the other technology. Um. Yeah.

- beej

The Tick. The Tick.

Is this some kind of a damned joke!? Spider-Man has whipped the ass of people 1,000 times smarter, stronger, and faster than the Tick! He tore the living crap out Superboy, and put shame to Firelord, who was a herald of Galactus! If Spider-Man could beat a guy who can fly and has the power to destroy an entire city within a few seconds, then I think a match with the dumb and slow as nails opponet such as the Tick. This entire match is an insult to Spider-Man and Stan Lee.

I spit on you. *spit*

- James Frazier

Since we've already discussed their comic-book histories, let's try someting that REALLY shows what the Tick and Spider Man can do: video games. To my knowledge, the Tick has been in only one platform game, in which he was the star. Spidey has been in numerous platform games, and three fighting games, which is what gives him the advantage. Superheroes in platform games have only three moves: punch, kick, and jump-kick. Good enough for brainless thugs, but falling far short of the wealth of options available in fighting games. Furthermore, in the last fighting games that Spider-Man was in, Marvel Superheroes vs. Streetfighter and Marvel vs. Capcom, Spiderman was one of the most often used charaters, layin' the Smack Down(tm) with some of the most impressive multi-hit combos this game-geek has ever seen. Not to mention the 20+ hit "Super Combos" he picked up. Spider Man in less time that it takes the Tick to remember his Battle Cry.

- Jonathan "Hadoken" Cadle

Easy- Spider-man. Why? Because the Tick is a wannabe of our Friendly Neighborhood Wall-Crawler(tm), down to the enormous, bulging white eyes on the costume. The Tick will be so in awe over seeing his idol and Reason-For-Living(tm), he'll quietly comply whilst digging his autograph pad out of those elusive pockets. And if Spidey happens to be garbed in black and the Tick doesn't recognize him, Spidey's Rapier-Like-Wit(tm) will have him struggling for grandoise and inappropriate adjectives, until he curls up in the Fetal-Position(tm) and starts sucking on his thumb.

Besides, any one knows that Spidey has a power akin to The Rage(tm), known as The Inspiration(tm). In the event that our hero is losing (like, per se, the Tick dropped a Bus Depot on him), he would simply have to remember the face of his sweet Aunt May, and those famous Uncle-Ben-Lecture words, "With great power, there must also come great responsibility." After that, and a few tears shed by the readers, Spidey will probably do something along the lines of scream really loud, and open up a whole barrel-full of whoop-ass on the Blue One......

Now, the Tick vs. Capt. America? Liberty takes a fall...

- D@t@-Kun

"Honey, I shrunk the insects!"

- Zhirrzh (from the Campaign for a Permanent Both Killed and Mutilated Button)

And the winner is......RAID!!

- T-Bone Timmy


I will use my theory that whoever's name backwards seems most like a real word wins.

Spiderman in a rout.

- HHHgillberg

ALRIGHT!!! Now this is a match that I'd pay money to watch - unlike your previous hype-based matches which really didn't do the holy name of the Grudge Match any. But enough of this and on with the show!

First off, Spidey has actually faced people who are Tick level or higher. Heck, he faced the Juggernaut. True, he got trashed afterwards, but then again, not even the mighty Thor managed to really beat the Juggernaut - and Thor is to Marvel pretty much where Superman is to DC. And -- what's this? Spidey isn't funny?? HOW DARE YOU, INSULTING THE NAME OF THE ALMIGHTY SPIDER IN SO INSIGNIFICANT A MANNER, YOU INSIGNIFICANT SCUM?!? Hell, Spidey invented the wisecrack routine!

Second off, Spidey is a bigger comic book icon than Superman! Yes, that's right, big freakin' boy scout in red-and-red tights with the "Gaze upon me, ye onlookers, and stand in awe" Superman!! And Spidey's even more popular! Hell, the style, the conflicts, his family, etc... he's practically an everyday Joe who realizes that he was given cool powers and has to use them responsibly. Now since when was the Tick ever a responsible guy? He creates more havoc than the Masters of Evil(tm - Marvel Comics)! And he could be outsmarted by a turnip!!

Third off, let's look at a certain point in Spidey's life - being the Cosmic Spider. Ya see, Spidey was once chosen to be Captain Universe in order to save the Universe. Once the job was done, he returned to "normal" - or so we think. What if Spidey got those powers back? Lessee now - telepathy, X-Ray Vision, Telekinesis, super-invulnerability (even greater than that of the Tick), super-strength (tosses the Empire State building before breakfast), etc... Hmmmm, I think the Tick ain't so tough after all!

Fourth off, Spidey has a whole lot of quirks tilting the fight in his favor: as a Marvel hero, he has been killed off at least once, but came back from the dead, having a gorgious wife to, er, uh *ahem* "encourage" him is a great source of RAGE(tm). He also has a daughter in an alternate reality who has similar powers, which means he has a freind from the future who knows how the fight will go, and will even help when Spidey seems to be losing. Now of all these, what does Tick have? Got turned to a bird? Lost his arms? Sheesh, what a wimp! Arthur? Excuse me...

(laughs on set for 360 minutes)

Fifth, what about buddies? Spider-Man's got it all! He was an Avenger once, and these guys can give Superman a hard tim. He had his own cartoon show where he was buddies with Firestar (who can toast most people) and Iceman. Tick is going to be deep-freezed and microwaved simultaneously! Spidey's also in cahoots with the X-Men, and boy do they have a fan base! You think Star Wars stuffs ballots? Try a fight with the X-Men in it! And what sort of buddies does Tick have? Die Fledermaus? Please, he'll faint out at seeing a real spider, so guess what seeing a Spider-Man will do. American Maid? HAH! Spidey's got She-Hulk (a major babe!)!

Last off, and one point most Marvel fans will hate me for, is the Spider Clone Saga! No clue? Well, just a whole jumbled mess about Spider-Man turning out to be a clone, then that clone turning out to be a fake, and that Spidey was the real one all along, etc... (yes, I'm also having a headache just thinking about it, if you're wondering). Well, think of this: What if there actually was thirty of more clones at the time? I could imagine poor Tick drowning under a sea of Spider-clones, helpless to move a muscle, as he is being overpowered by a swarm of superheroes, each eighty times stronger than the average human being (proportionate strength of a spider - can carry up to 100 times its own weight).

In short, Spider-Man will really trash that wannabe. One more thing - the food chain. What do spiders eat? Smaller insects. What are ticks? Miniscule insects, which makes them bite-sized to spiders. If you ask me, Spidey wil snack on this loser.

- The Spider-Saint

You fools!

A battle between Spider "Gee, who's cloning me this week?" Man and the "falls for Jedi mind tricks from Mr. Mental" Tick would be the most banal, campy, and uninspired piece of shlock since Episode One "The Fandom Menace" HISSSSS! Dad could think up better Grudge Matches while programming his fembots. However, if you persist in wanting a winner, you must consider that the Tick is large. Large and blue. If the Smurfs(small and blue) could consistently defeat a top-notch villain like Gargamel, what chance does the wallcrawling weirdo have against their giant cousin?

Now, go away, or I will get Mini-dad to bite your.......

- Todd Evil

Dear Sirs,

As a long-time member of the Grudge Match Gallery of Certifiables, I wish to voice my displeasure at this match taking place.

My state of mental health has taken a turn for the worse (as if it could...) ever since reading the scenario.

I can't fathom a battle between these two literary giants! You've placed a nigh-invulerable up against the original anti-hero! I'm sure you guys were sitting up there in your giant bubble, thinking, "Hey! I know! Vlad's been a part of Grudge Match for years! He's been a guest commentator, and the editor whose Iron Fist has compacted response files more tightly than any other could! Let's pit two of his favourite comic books against each other and see what happens!"

Thank you so VERY much! Tell you what: Have Cerebus the Aardvark be the third candidate! Only then could I rest in pieces brought on by the coronary caused by this match!

Only the Man-Eating Cow could provide the bovine intervention I so desperately need to gather the shards of my once-full life! Not even Cletus Kassidy could feel the insanity that I currently subscribe bi-monthly to due to this website!

I'd thank you to just leave me alone to my cries of "Spoon!" and Barry's now-vacant Tick Cave, Felicia Hardy being my only comfort in this, my hour of need!

This truly was the match that broke me...

- Vlad, Hamster of Wonder, Brigadier General (Mrs.)

Well, Mr. Kilgore. It seems your reasoning is...well...fishy.

Sure. Spidey is smart. Sure. Spidey can make neat gadgets. Sure. Spidey is quick.

But the Tick, he is Nigh-Invulnerable(TM). He's BEEN hit by trains (after dropping from a building and through yards of pavement first) and HE WALKED AWAY. He's been swallowed by giant dinosaurs. Fought hordes of ninjas. Been turned into a vegetable. He's faced giant evil clowns. Hordes of Electric Santa-Clones. Even a man with a pig for a leg.

He's been dropped from orbit on top of someone. AND HE WALKED AWAY.

This guy's ready for the most bizarre situations life can throw at him. Spidey counts on his ingenuity to actually solve his problems, and the Tick, due to a stellar combination of cluelessness and mightiness, doesn't care.

OK. So Spidey beats him around for awhile. The Tick gets dizzy, shrugs it off, and keeps on fighting. Spidey makes a Arachno-Destructo-Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong Ray (again, TM) and fires it at the Tick. His reply:

"I won't hesitate to forsake species for combat!"

For you see, the Tick has fought arachnoid-like combatants before (the Tick vs. The Mole-Men). And come out on top.

He's got the experience.

He's got the superpowers.

He's even got the battlecry. Spidey has no battlecry (unless you count that whiney "Oh no, I need to get back home to give Aunt May her sponge bath!" And who would look forward to winning a fight just to go home and do THAT, eh?)

The mighty blue one wins, and then has just enough time for a witty monologue before the camera irises out.

- Bi-Polar Bear (Saving the world...if I could just get out of bed!)

This is a totally unmatched fight! The Tick is a comic cartoon character, like Ren or Stimpy. Spiderman is a moral superhero who's dubious storylines involve teaching younger viewers (or older ones... it's never too late!) morals like FAIRNESS (hint) and honesty, etc.

Because they both come from such totally different plains of reality there are different laws which say the other must loose. Eg, the moral: good beats evil, and the cartoon: atom bombs don't kill (permenantly). Niether usually applies to the other reality.

There are too many variables to go into and debate over from the different competitor's points of view, so i won't bother. Instead i shall take stock in the law of probability, assuming that each of the contestants have equal chances of winning.

You see the law of probability, it has been oddly asserted, is something to do with the assumption that if six monkeys were thrown up in the air for long enough, they would land on their tails about as often as they would land on their heads.

Heads or Tails, Rosencrantz? Now, are we being held in un- sub- or super- natural forces? The Tick has the same chance of winning as a single coin being spun, and comming down heads. That's why i'm voting for him, and that's why he'll win. Anyway...on to Elsinore.

- Guildenstern

A monkey playing checkers could indeed beat the Tick...AT CHECKERS, NOT WWWF STYLE FIGHTING!!!

- One stoned hummingbird

This match will easily go to Webhead and here are the reasons:

Compare ticks and spiders in the natural world. Ticks are tiny blood-sucking parasites that carry at least two known diseases - Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lyme Disease. On the other hand, spiders eat insects and some species spin beautiful webs (especially when dew appears on them). Also, some people keep tarantulas (a type of spider) as a pet. No one ever has kept a tick as a pet. It appears that even nature prefers spiders over ticks.

Then you have the creators of these characters. The Tick was created by someone who has so little claim to fame that their name escapes my memory. Spiderman was created by none other than Stan Lee, the man who put Marvel Comics on the map. Stan Lee was probably coming up with characters for comic strips before the guy who created the Tick could hold a pen. Score another one for Spidey.

Also, the Tick is a parody of comic book superheroes. Spiderman is the genuine article. In almost all areas (except television programs, songs, and politics) parodies are never as good as the originals.

What will likely happen is that, not only will Spiderman outwit the Tick, but the blue buffoon will wind up being captured by the anti-superhero mob lead by the editor of that paper Peter Parker works for. Then the paper will run an article exposing the *true* nature of the Tick and Arthur's relationship.

- The Demented Astronomer

Hmmm.....this is a World Wide WEB Fight, isn't it?

Looks like Spidey's already got too much prestige.....

- -Da Bull

Well, this is a tough match, but if we just boil it down to the raw fact(or)s, we'll see who the winner shall be.

Spiderman's theme song was done by The Ramones. While not as cool as some bands, they are still much cooler than others.

The Tick's theme song was done by some guy who can't stop singing "Duh dwee, duh duh duh dwee-dow", or some close dervitive, who may or may not be on crack. This one goes to Spiderman.

Spiderman's humor is very drivel, inane, and borderline, it comes on in the afternoon, and therefore is much less funny than say, The Tick, who comes on late, late, late (late) at night.

The Tick's humor is to half-comatose teenagers at 3 A.M what Jerry Lewis is to the Frenchies...pure gold. I can recall one episode where The Tick and Arthur throw themselves on what they think is a turns out to be a time machine, and when they get to the neolithic pass, The Tick says, "So THIS is what Kingdom Come is like!" I practically pissed my pants. The Tick wins this one.

As Kilgore pointed out, Mary Jane is a babe ("If she were a president, she'd be Baberaham Lincoln!" -Garth Algar). Now any man who could follow that whole Spiderman cloning thing is a much greater man than I, but I think we can safely say that at some time, in some form, Peter Parker has scored with Mary Jane. Damn.

The Tick, on the other hand, has never scored (as far as we know, and if we don't know, it really doesn't matter). In fact he never thinks, talks, or aludes to sex in any way. For this reason, I have concluded that The Tick is a prepubescent boy, and as such, has never felt the pure, Animal Rage (tm) that comes with sexual frustration, as I'm sure we've all felt.

Final score: Tick 1, Spiderman 2. Spiderman has mummified The Tick in webbing faster than he can shout "Spooooooooooooooooooooooon!"

- Brian C. Strock, esq.

The Tick wins, because he has a better theme song!

"Duh dweeee duh duh duh dwee DOW!"

- Colonel Zippo Kanaza

Let's look at the superheroes' back-up.

Spider-Man is friends with the Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man, the Fantastic 4, the X-Men, etc.

The Tick is friends with Die Flautermaus, American Maid, Sewer Urchin, The Human Bullet, The Civil Minded 5, etc.

You may be thinking that that makes it one-sided for Spider-Man.

Think again. You see, I don't read comics much but I do know one thing: SUPERHEROES ARE ALWAYS BUSY! While Spider-Man is fighting the Tick, the other heroes are busy fighting Thanos, Dr Doom, Juggernaut, and other arch-villains.

But the Tick's friends, on the other hand, are probably just drinking coffee or watching Springer. When Arthur rounds them up and brings them to the rooftop, Spidey is screwed.

After the massive beatdown, the Tick removes his cowl and reveals who he really is: "The Big Show" Paul Wight (c'mon! Who else could it possibly be?). He finishes off the wall crawler with a choke slam off the roof.

"Naughty arachnid! You face a friendly, neighborhood spoonful of JUSTICE! And that's the last word!"

- Gavok

Okay, as we all know, Spidey's going to come out on top here. The REAL question is, when do Spider-Man and Tick become tag-team partners against Kingpin and Chairface Chippendale?

I can hear it now: "Look at that Kingpin, fans. If there were ever a villain built for wrestling, it's this guy. And wait! Look out, heroes, he's brought a CHAIR in the ring!!!"

- Scott R. Hnasko

Oh, please! Let's not go to extremes in the search for comedy. The tick has about as much chance as a boiled potato in this match.

Sure, the Tick can take punishment. His pain receptors fire as slowly as his synapses. All Spiderman has to do is employ the "Look, your shoelaces are untied..." strategy, and he can pummel the blue ox into oblivion. It'll take about a thousand blows before the Tick realises he doesn't HAVE shoelaces.

I'm fond of the tick. The same way I'm fond of cuddly toys. But I wouldn't give them control over my finances.

- Galahad

Your "Tick is indistructable" argument has a subtle flaw. Spider Man does not want to KILl Tick, just Relocate him. It should be simple to web Tick to a train-by the time the web disolves, Tick will be far enough away that Spider Man gets the win.

- Michael Moon

I'll sum this fight up in two words - atomic wedgie. After Peter Parker is unsuccessfull in the brute force approach, he'll realize the tick has the mind of a 12 year old. Drawing on his experience as a Super Geek(tm) and recipient of many a wedgie, Peter will apply the perfect Atomic Wedgie (legal in 48 states). It doesn't matter how Nigh Invulnerable you are, 'cause when someone who can lift an elephant without breaking a sweat gives you a wedgie, you go down, and you stay down. My prediction : SpiderMan wins in 5 minutes 38 seconds, and the tick spends the following 3 and a half days in the fetal position

(Note : if it turns out the tick does not wear underwear (oh yeah, thats an image I want to think about), a fist full of costume can be grabbed in the appropriate place and used in a similar manner)

- me

Ever had to inspect someone for the presence of spiders? It's not too involved, and usually the spider makes its own presence known. Very little potential for fun.

Ever had to inspect someone for ticks, especially the lil' brown Lyme-disease-carrying deer ticks that we have out here on the East Coast? It's extremely involved, and can as often as not require the removal of significant amounts of clothing. Very high potential for fun, assuming that your tick-check partner is someone you wouldn't mind seeing undressed.

When all else fails, go with the fun factor. The Tick takes it.

- Aero

An analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of the combatants' namesakes will provide a clear winner.

Ticks scare: Anyone who goes outside in shorts.
Spiders scare: Flies, my mom, Miss Muffet
Advantage: Ticks

Ticks: Pulled up socks, lit cigarettes
Spiders: Pulled off legs, getting squashed
Advantage: Spiders

Ticks: Blood
Spiders: Bug insides
Slight Advantage: Ticks

Ticks: To suck blood and spread disease
Spiders: To eat bugs
Advantage: Ticks

So, clearly ticks are superior to spiders. Still, this is a good-guy versus good-guy match up, so they'll probably end up teaming up to fight some previously unknown supervillain, which would probably be a decent plot for that Spiderman movie that can't seem to be scripted.

- King of No Media

Has anyone else seen the new "Spiderman" cartoon? Its pacing is so fast, it's like watching the movie "Armageddon," or like attending Speedy Gonzales' family-reunion with sugar-highs. Clearly, everyone in this "Spiderman" setting has an extremely high metabolism, either because of their alternate-universe genetics or due to some supervillian's Evil Plot(tm). Spidey may have to consume pasta by the truckload, and he'll die of old-age before 50, but his super-fast speed and reaction-time give him the edge over the normal-speed Tick.

- Matt Bricker

The Tick can do laundry.

- Budo

I voted for the Monkey Playing Checkers.

- CompleteFool

The Tick will win for a reason pointed out in the Tick comics by gunmen seeking to kill him after expending all the bullets they had:

"Geez, this guy's too stupid to die!"

Shortly thereafter they were eaten by a cow.


- ~the Stranger

Are you kidding? What kind of sick joke is this? Spider Man is a JOKE! This guy has no real powers. He sticks to walls for God's sake! Folks, if I were in trouble in a south eastern New York 5th floor walk up, I wouldn't want something that sticks on my rear car window to defend me. I'd rather have a big, blue mound of muscle who's battle cry is "SPOON", which just so happens to be what Spider-Man is up against. The Tick would tear this guy apart. Spider Man shoots silly string at the Tick. Tick beats the crap out of Spider Man. End of match. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

- An Irrate Mr. Toad

Both these fighters are known for their one-liners. Spidey does more talking than fightin', and there is no more quotable hero than The Tick. And thus the winner of this verbal one-upsmanship that wins the match. And who could come up with a responce to "Life is a big wild crazy tossed salad, but you don't eat it, no sir! You live it!"?

- B.O.B.

Mark, did you just say that Spidey isn't funny? I have two words to say to you: sleep tight. I've got the Punisher's phone number. He owes Spidey one 'cause he first appeared in an issue of Spidey. Let's see how inane your reckless remarks will be once you find yourself staring down the muzzle of an M-60 (and that's just his light weapons).

- Spider-fan

With a lightning-fast motion, Spiderman fired a mass of webbing at The Tick, pinning him to a chimney. The Tick struggled and strained with all his mighty strength, managing to get a hand free. There was a snap-hiss as he ignited his lightsaber and cut himself free, raising it...Hey, wait a minute...
[Exit Star Wars mode]
Whew, sorry about that. I also want to say that I'm sorry I got this match going, because the realities of Spidey's life make a real fight impossible. Think about it: How many major Spiderman foes are not somehow closely tied in to his life? It is a virtual certainty that he has a close connection with The Tick; he's probably a long-lost brother who was institutionalized right before Peter's parents became secret agents (or died, I can't remember whether that one turned out to be true.) A tearful reunion will interrupt this match, and presto, Spidey has a really enthusiastic new sidekick. Instead of dealing with what will happen in detail, I'll stay true to the comic book genre and leave the reader a few cliffhanger questions to mull over until next time...

Will Venom ever get his tongue out of that sheepshank knot that The Tick tied it in?
Will Mary Jane discover that The Tick accidentally posted Peter's pictures of the wedding night on the web?
If so, is there room enough for both of our archnid heroes on the Parker couch?
Will Brainchild and Doctor Octopus carry out their nefarious plan to take over New York City as well as kidnapping Mary Jane and doing the sorts of things that can't be depicted in a comics code book?

But I won't leave you in suspense on this one: J. Jonah Jameson is in for the biggest wedgie of his life.

- Mr. Silverback-Now go and hit the evil of religious persecution with the rolled-up newspaper of goodness.

The Tick will win because "traditional" superheroes have lost power to unions. Every superhero these days acts as part of a group, be it the Fantastic Four, Justice League, Magnificent Seven, or Pretty-Good Nine-and-Five-Eighths.

Because of union rules, Spiderman is not allowed to to defeat The Tick until after he hears the "Master Plan" (union ledger, paragraph 17, line 4). The Tick, however, does not have the capacity to create a "Master Plan." With union rules forbidding him from attacking the big blue brute, Spidey will be left looking about as competent as officer Barbrady - "Move along. Nothing to see here. . .."

On the off chance that Spidey tries to fight the Tick, and loses anyway, (I mean, really, did you think he had a chance. . .) he will be disbarred from the union and forced to switch to some lowly job like security at a Chuck-E-Cheese. His woman will leave him, his job will suck, his dog will probably die, and he will be left with nothing (except a great idea for a country music song. . .).


The Tick wins on Monday, but doesn't realize it until Thursday night.

- Al B Tross

Who cares?

- Superman

The Tick reminds me of this girl I dated in high school, on the outside both seem cool, The Tick is a superhero and the girl was a popular cheerleader. The Tick has a big problem as did this girl, look at what the Tick has to go home to, hmmm real cool. The girls problem she smelled (kind of like Vienna Sausages if I remember right). What's my point, appearances can be decieving, after a couple of dates with "Stinky" I quickly ended it. What seemed like a normal nice girl, was really difficult to be around without wanting to barf in my pocket. The Tick has the same problem, we all know he's gay, whether or not he's open about it or not is another story, but it causes him to be a little distracted (which is better than smelling like a rotting turkey sandwich with mayo buried in the back of the fridge) and that gets him in trouble a lot. SpiderMan who is clearly a bisexual, knows this, and since he is much more adept at dealing with his sexuality would simply confuse the Tick with a couple of lines like, "Hey, let's go shopping" or "Sea Breezes on me at the bar." The Tick would be unable to differentiate his thoughts between eradicating SpiderMan and at the same time wanting to take a bubble bath with him while listening to Kenny G. At this moment of conflict, Spiderman strikes, wrapping the Tick in enough webbing to make some super silk shirts, and then pushing him off of the building top they are surely fighting on.

My point, deodorant is a good thing, so is keepin' it real. If the Tick had been able to deal with his problems he wouldn't have been distracted in this battle and surely trounced sissyboy Peter Parker.

- Johnny Mack

Spider-Man, in his most recent incarnation, was voiced by Christopher David Barnes.

Christopher David Barnes played Greg Brady in the two Brady Bunch movies, has a recurring role on Beverly Hills 90210 and did voices on Captain Planet.

He is, therefore, one of the many incarnations of


Thus the Tick, sworn enemy of all that is Evil, or even moderately bad, must, and indeed will, triumph because while Good is Dumb, Evil always goes down to defeat in 30 minutes (24 not counting commercials).

Spider-Man, on the other hand, aside from being an incarnation of Evil through his demon-spawned voice, faces the problem of not only being unable to immediately recognize Evil when he sees it (given that many of the people he fights aren't really bad), but that his battle against Evil tend to last for several episodes, usually because it takes him at least two episode to recognize true Evil and another six to do anything about it.

The Tick not only can defeat Evil faster, in several episode he defeated Evil while being completely oblivious to Evil's presence. Such is the awesome power of the Tick.

- Keith of the Arctic

Let's see here. Spiderman can stick to any surface, climb any wall, has super-human strength and can shoot synthetic webbing from writs mounted devices.

The Tick on the other hand is annoying as hell.

My money's is on the Tick

- Topcat

In all honestly, Spider-Man should win this bout, but the Tick has something he doesn't have: a sidekick.

The Tick has Arthur. All the cool heros have sidekicks. Oliver Queen, Batman, Balto, etc. Sure there was Scarlet Spider, but he wan't a sidekick. Sorry Spidey, but the Tick would FORK this one.

- Katrover

Who the hell is the tick? He's not one of those new lame warner brothers cartoons is he? I would rather suck road kill through a straw thatn watch that trash.

- holy_moses

OK, there is no way the Tick can lose. He's got the ruthless factor going for him. Anyone ruthless enough to burn such a cool sidekick as Little Wooden Boy can't lose. Spider-man is too lame to even have a sidekick, and if he did have a side kick there is no way he would burn him just to get out of the belly of a whale.

- Duncan

You can step on a spider. You have to fucking pull a tick out of you with mechanical crap. Tick is harder to kill and if you kill it it will hurt it's victim. The result:even if Spider Man wins he will be badly wounded. Anyways you ever seen a spider fight a tick? A spider's got really skinny arms a Tick is really buff(by insect standards that is). You do the math.

- The Artist formely know as the Devin.(Now Captain Demento)

The winner is spiderman all the way

Why you ask?

One word


Old spidey here has been cloned and uncloned so many times he will be full of Rage
While Tick is making his stupid assed comments, all of spiderman's clones have crept up on his sorry blue ass. When Tick finally remembers his battle, "SPOON" will be the last words ever said by the Tick

Don't get me wrong, the tick is cool but spidey is much cooler, his wife is a babe, while all tick had is that Skanky assed American Maid on the other hand.....
If Spidey were to lose MJ would be single again.....
Yeah right, its just a cartoon guys she isn't real (Directed to all comic geeks out there)

- Emperor Kato

Go read _Secret Wars_ again. Spidey's just a bad-ass, and that's all there is to it.

- Denis Moskowitz

When I was little, I got a tick on my stomach. My dad lit a match, blew it out, and put the hot end on the tick to get it off. I thought it was cool. But then I was a weird kid. When I was a little bit older, my cousin had a tarantula in a jar. He put a scorpion in the jar to see which one would win in a battle to the death. The scorpion won. When I was a teenager, I saw Arachnophobia at the theater with a bunch of friends. I had to leave the theater half way through the movie. I know that this has nothing to do with this match. I JUST HATE SPIDERS!!!!!!!!!

- Ellie

Spider-Man vs. the Tick? Hmmm... Does the winner get Mary Jane?

- The Ponderer

It doesn't matter cause Kato from the Green Hornet is gonna come in and kick both their asses.

- squiggy mcjackass

Spidey will win because he's got the world's most recognizable theme song. Of course, he may have to make a few last-minute alterations to suit it to his battle with the Tick.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
will kick the Tick like a spider can.
Is he strong? Without a doubt.
As was argued by Kilgore Trout,
Look out! Here comes the Spider-Man.

He's the one you should pick,
in this world of Da Grudge (TM)
He will outfight the Tick;
leave behind a blue smudge.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man.
Friendly, Grudge-verse Spider-Man.
When you vote, think it through.
He's the insect for me and you,

for him, life as a super-hero,
means he will rule Ground Zero,
No-one beats Spider-Man!!!!!!

- 1/2 Nelson

The Tick couldn't defeat Wet Paper Bag Man (TM) without help from a sidekick with a brain. This is Buggo-a-Buggo, so no contest.

P.S. But at least the Tick is better at dealing with his "Evil Twin Made of Goo" than SM.

- martinl

I personally would like to see Dr. Doom spray BOTH those bugs with a gigantic can of Raid....

- TGF(aS)KAE (I'm in a hurry, OK??????)

The winner is not so obvious really. You have to do research to discover the true identity of The Tick. Tick's grand war cry "SPOON" is simply a shorter version of Neo's (The Matrix) war cry "THERE IS NO SPOON." With further research we realize that The Tick is Neo. Therefore The Tick is hiding most of his power for sport. Notice how he has never revealed his identity. Neo manipulates Spiderman into a brotwurst and has him for a snack.

- -Joe the crazy Montanan

Lest we forget Tick's ace in the hole, Little Wooden Boy! Now there's a thrashin'! I can hear the cry of "SPOON!" now, with the Tick standing triumphant over the splinter filled body of the fallen Spider-Man.

- Switz

Occam's Razor states that the simplest solution to a problem is almost always correct... and the Tick is nothing if not simple.

Spidey relies on his quick wit, sticky webs, and psychedelic "spider sense." What does the Tick rely on? Gravity. Spider Man ends up a bloody smear under the Tick's left heel faster than you can cry "SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

- Troy "guvnor" Wood

Oh, COME ON! Couldn't you guys find a less one-sided fight here? Anyways, the Tick will easily squash Spidey and flush him down the toilet. And there are several good reasons for this.

First, as ha been mentioned, the Tick is MIGHTY! This is a guy who gets flattened by a dinosaur, blown up, and hit by a train, and comes out with just a British accent. NOT A SCRATCH ON HIM! He has also defeated an entire room of thugs after his arms had been zapped off! Spidey's tough (kinda), but he has nowhere near the whoop-ass power of the Tick.

Spidey's experience, on the other hand, may actually be harmful. Every time he goes into a fight, he always has some problem with his life that he has to deal with. This often confuses him while he's fighting. The Tick has no such problems, so while Parker's trying to figure out why Mary Jane has been in sort of a huff, the Tick will be squashing him into Spidey-cakes. Mmmm, home grilled.

Finally, the Tick has foughten against intelligent people before, or have we forgotten Mr Mental? The guy was smart enough to have super psychic powers. The Tick beat the tar out of him. Spidey has nowhere near that kind of intelligence, so he's no match for the Tick.


- The Pro

The Tick vs. Spider-Man... well, Spidey certainly is more popular, but then again the Tick is much funnier. Plus, Spidey hasn't been much of a Spider-Man lately, while the Tick has been improving in leaps and bounds lately... property damage included.

I'd say the Tick would win, being nigh-invulnerable and superstrong, but not in a straight-out hero vs. hero competition. He'd confuse Spidey with his bizarre monologues, and then accidentally drop a building on him or something. In the end, the Tick would pat Spidey on the back and say, "No hard feelings chum. Little Wooden Boy forgives your mocking tone as well, for you have finally come to respect the two-toned fists of justice that are the Tick and Little Wooden Boy, defenders of the City! Spoon!"

- Cannon

It all comes down to endurance. Sure Tick may be dimwitted but he is Invincible and built like a two ton Volvo. As we all know, Volvos can be held together with chewing gum and velcro. While the agile spider man leaps around throwing worthless web goo at The Tick, The Tick will most likely be playing jacks or sunbathing, conserving his strength because he does not even realize he is being attacked. He can inhale a mucus copy of himself up his nose without batting an eye for god's sake. Let's see "spidey" pull that stunt off.

Spiderman passes out and The Tick accidently crushes him with a VW bug. The Tick by a mountain.

- Lucian

It's been about twenty years since I last followed Spiderman closely, and I've never been much of a Tick fan. Voting on this match on the basis of their personal merits would be almost impossible for me. Fortunately, there was an alternative.

With the arrival of summer has come an invasion of my house by small crawling critters, including ticks and spiders. I figure that the superheroes have strength and toughness commensurate with the animals they're named for, so I conducted an experiment to gauge how tough these insects and arachnids really are. The results:

Ticks: six located; six squashed, all died instantly.

Spiders: five located; two died instantly of squashing, one required secondary whack with shoe, one dodged blow and hid between sofa cushions, one bit me in middle of night and disappeared after being flung away by half-stuporous flail of my arm.

Conclusion: Spiders are not only more resilient, but actually dare to attack things immensely larger than themselves. This has such a plain parallel in Spiderman's contest with The Tick that I have no hesitation in awarding Spidey the match.

I have to go now. I need to see my doctor about this glowing welt on my hand.

- Call me Shane

I would like to point out the fact that spiderman has often fought the fearsome eight, this including rhino. As you pointed out earlier that it is hard to squash a tick. Have you ever tried to squash a rhino? Rhino is also as big and dumb as the tick and never wins against spiderman. Spiderman can swing from building to building as easy as you can say "Mary Jane". The tick can't even jump to another building with out taking it down at least a floor. Spiderman in 45 minutes because he will end up having to call the fire department for the jaws of life to get him out of the wall the tick has put his head through.

- Thomas Ellis

Spiderman'd bore the tick to death. Have ya seen the cartoon he talk's to himself to like try 'n explain ta the watchers what the hell's goin on cos ya can't work it out anyway

- Wheaty Goodness

Hello! Has everybody gone mad? Of COURSE Spidey will win. How could it be otherwise? For a start spiders are useful (killing flies, villans etc.) and also his costume is much better! No contest. Plus he has his spidey-sense and can spell his own name. I rest my case.

- Wako Jako.

The Real Question is not who's going to win this fight. Remember, the citizens of The City are fed up the Tick's clumsy leaps and Spider-man's even clumsier laugh lines. They will certainly seize the opportunity to get rid of both individuals as they are distracted by their little tiff.

Thus, I think that something like the following scenario will occur:

3:11 P.M. Spider-man confronts the Tick, and an argument ensues
3:12 P.M. The two superheroes begin to duke it out
3:14 P.M. 911 called. Police are dispatched to the scene.
3:20 P.M. Police cordon off the combat area. National Guard alerted.
3:22 P.M. President of the U.S. alerted.
3:23 P.M. USAF strategic bombers scrambled. Cruise missiles readied for launch.
3:26 P.M. Spider-man utters the 100th lame come-back line of the duel
3:30 P.M. 200-yard radius evacuated. Cruise missiles launched.
3:35 P.M. Cruise missiles strike.
3:40 P.M. More cruise missiles strike. 1/4 mile radius evacuated.
3:45 P.M. A few good carpet-bombing runs create a firestorm in the city core. Spider-Man and the Tick are declared exterminated.

- Jeff the real question man

Any good guy vs good guy match up is resolved by the the rule=20 established in Rustlers Rhapsody-the movie "Which ever one of us is the most good will win". In application the two contestants will engage in a battle of wits to shake their opponets confidence in their own goodness.

It would seem that the Tick is unarmed here but logic has no effect on his tiny little mind. Things look bad for Spiderman until in desperation he pulls out the Dreaded CONFIDENT HETEROSEXUAL CLAUSE! This states a hero has to be not just a heterosexual but a confident one. This is the only thing that can phase the Tick's confidence. Lets face it the tick him and and his winged sidekick live together and probably share a checking account. The tick will start to wonder if he's living in denial, excuse himself from the fight, go buy some Judy Garland recordings and join the Barbara Striesand Fan Club

- Claymore

Kilgore, you are correct when you mention the hero vs hero match. The Tenth Law of Comic Book Battles states that:

Two heroes when they first meet by chance must fight after a misunderstanding, however fight must end in draw after which heroes become friends or at the very least respect each other.

However, Spidey is acting like a self righteous prick and is provoking the fight, therefore he is subject to the rules that apply to villains.

The fact he was dispatched by an ORGANIZATION even if it was a "super hero" society like Avengers (They let Hawkeye in after all. I mean, come on, Hawkeye??? I mean, geez, why not let the Wendy and Marvin of the Superfriends in?) is crucial. Normally this would put him as Entry Level D flunky/cannonfodder (guaranteed to die like dogs) but since he has super powers he would be either Level C or B. A's have super powers but are self employed. C's are outright flunkies while B's are freelancers, Spidey is therefore a B.

Almost every villain must lose on their first appearance or suffer a major setback by the end of the show/comic/movie. Only Level A's stand a chance of getting a technical win, B/C's must lose after the main fight, and since they have at least some superpowers, they must also be humiliated in the process (usually when the hero exploits the major flaw in the villain's gimmick), sending them either to jail (Bs) or else they return to their superiors who promptly kill them for failing (Cs).

Spidey will therefore be beaten because of some flaw in his own gimmick.

- Ubiq- I put WAAAAY too much thought into this one....

Aside from the fact that the Tick is basically the Big Dumb Hulk (tm) with a vague sense of humor, and Spider-Man whupped his monkey ass a couple of dozen times, Spider-Man has one important secret weapon.

All Spider-Man has to do is open one of his own recent comic books and show it to the Tick.

Howard Mackie's script.
John Byrne's plot.
Aunt May.
My god, man, Aunt May.

Not even the blessed powers of stupidity will save the Tick from that kind of crap overdose.

- Thomas Wilde

I will start by saying that I am a resident of a prairie state that is teeming with ticks. Now that I have established my myself as an expert on ticks I will divulge to you a great secret about ticks. I CAN KILL TICKS! Me, who gets tired after one flight of stairs and can often be seen carried around by my own girlfriend (the shame I bear is great indeed), has killed a small multitude of the admittedly tough buggers. Spider-Man with much, much greater strength, speed, looks, wardrobe, etc. will pull off the Tick's antennae and beat him to death with 'em.

- James Vargas

Back when I was young, my first exposure to Spider-Man was on a PBS educational show called "The Electric Company" where the superhero would teach various lessons. Much to my shock, in one episode he was ARRESTED and taken off to jail by Generic Police Officer #1.

Now let me get this straight. One of the greatest superheroes in the world is captured by the PUBLIC BROADCASTING SYSTEM??? What kind of loser stumblebum is this guy? Does Batman get his ass kicked by Mr. Rogers? Does the Incredible Hulk get the LAPD treatment by Big Bird and Grover? Do Bill Nye, Jim Lehrer and Carmen Sandiego regularly bring the Justice League of America to its knees with their evil plans? NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

After the Tick is through with him, Spider-Man will be sharing a cell with the Number Six and the Letter Q. Don't drop the soap...

- Paul G.

The Death Star was nigh-invincible too, and look what happened to THAT.

- Zhirrzh


The Final Word "Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does anything that a spider can."

All that a spider can do is get stepped on.

- Charge Man

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Tarzan v. Aquaman
Thundercats v. The Masters of the Universe
Battle of the Batmen

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