World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

Previously on the Grudge-lorette

Snow White, a princess whose heart was broken on TV's the Rolanda Show, has returned once again to tasteless television programming in search of her new prince. Now, for only the third time ever on the Grudge Match, a chick is in charge! After a series of group dates and time alone with each bachelor, Snow White reduced the field of 24 bachelors to fifteen, and then to eight:

Through a series of vignettes, Snow White describes each of the remaining bachelors

Chewbacca - "Chewie acts all tough in front of the other bachelors, but on our dates, he showed me that he's more than a furball with firearms. He's traveled so much; I'd love to have him show me new and exciting places. He's also really gentle and kind-hearted. He hasn't once tried to rip my arms out."

John McClane - "What can I say? He's a cop. What woman doesn't love a man in uniform? John is sexy and he doesn't let anything get him down or stand in his way. When I'm in his arms, it feels so right and so safe. Sure, he's got this on-again-off-again thing with his estranged wife, but I think I can change him."

Grim Reaper - "Grim has been a perfect gentleman. Unlike some of the other bachelors, he hasn't tried to touch me once. To be honest, I offered Grim a rose because he's so mysterious... I like the tall, dark, and quiet type. And he reminds me of someone I flirted with just before I met my ex. I'm just dying to get to know him better."

Bart Simpson - "My friends would think he's a little young for me, but we have so much fun on our dates. That's what's so great about Bart, he's all about having fun and making sure I enjoy myself. When we're together, we connect like a pair of carefree kids, and the age thing doesn't matter. I mean, if Michael Jackson and Jerry Seinfeld can do it, why not me?"

Borg Drohn - "When Borg offered me that cool techno-tiara, and told me that he was anxious to have me Meet His Folks (he used the words cube, assimilate and collective, but I knew what he meant), I was scared and excited at the same time, because that means he's really serious. Plus, with a name like Drohn, and with his stiff, mechanical ways, I think he must be from Germany originally. I've always had a thing for Eurotrash."

Midgets - "Their bodies might be small, but their hearts are so big. Because there are seven of them, collectively they are everything I'm looking for in a relationship. When I'm with them, I am reminded of my younger days. If I end up choosing the midgets, I don't know how people will react to a polyamorous arrangement. We may have to move to Utah."

Tasmanian Devil - "A sense of humor is so important in a relationship, and Taz is the comedian of the group. He caught my eye on the first night, when he devoured the wooden acting talents of Keanu Reeves and William Shatner. Sometimes, he's hard to read and I don't know what he's thinking, but I sense that we've bonded."

Montgomery Burns - "The final rose came down to an agonizing decision between two guys who have offered me so many expensive gifts. I thought Monty was a little too old for me and that he was only interested in me because of my celebrity. But it turns out that Joe Camel was a fake millionaire! I'll take the legit billionaire, thank you."

With eight committed bachelors competing for one amazing princess, there's bound to be trouble and egos will be shattered! Who will Snow White ultimately choose as the man of her dreams? How much backstabbing (real and symbolic) will we see when Snow White isn't around? Will she propose, and will he accept? How will the brokenhearted react? Find out on the Grudge-lorette...

Chewbacca, Midgets, Tasmanian Devil, Bart Simpson, Grim Reaper, John McClane, C. Montgomery Burns, Borg

Tasmanian Devil
Bart Simpson
Grim Reaper
John McClane
C. Montgomery Burns

The Commentary

Following our Tournament of Champions tradition, we will hold off on any 8-way commentary to allow you, the viewer, more leeway in your voting and responses. Plus, we're lazy.

The Results

Pimpin' Chewie

Chewbacca (1094 - 27.5%)

out studs

John McClane (818 - 20.6%)

Grim Reaper (660 - 16.6%)

Bart Simpson (377 - 9.5%)

Montgomery Burns (311 - 7.8%)

Borg (294 - 7.4%)

Midgets (237 - 6.0%)

Tasmanian Devil (185 - 4.6%)

You can view the Tournament Of Champions II Nomination vote totals here.

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Voter Comments


Television has always cannibalized itself for ideas. Every major hit inspires a slew of imitators, and this has never been more true than in this modern age of "reality" TV. Why, even The Grudge-lorette is just a spin-off of last years surprise ratings bonanza The Grudgelor. (Speaking of which, Duke Nukem and the Spice Girls recently broke up, but who didn't see it coming? It'll take more than five women to get the Dukester to finally settle down.) I predict that this competition will prove to be Grim's Fairy Tale as the Reaper sweeps the competition, but the "losers" of this latest contest of national voyeurism and relationship humiliation need not worry, as they're guaranteed to be booked for slots on new reality shows that are in the works even as I write this!

In an effort to cash in on the success of The Osbournes, Showtime has signed up an even more dysfunctional family! Every time things settle down, the arguments end and it looks like they might have a nice quiet evening in, the men with guns show up! This Fall on, The McClanes.

In the latest salvo in reality TV's ongoing effort to explore every variation on every halfway decent idea possible, the WB has signed Taz and Chewie to join Bigfoot, Captain Caveman and Ron Jeremy for their upcoming presentation of, The Fur-real Life.

Thanks to the wonders of makeup and acting lessons, twenty beautiful women from around the world will compete for the hand of a handsome, dashing underwear model with no clue that he's actually C. Montgomery Burns on FOX's Joe Not-An-Evil-Octogenarian-Billionaire.

Bart Simpson will become the first contestant on American Idol to be eliminated twice after he's voted off by the judges, and then retroactively disqualified after the officials learn of his recording of Do the Bartman.

The midget's post-Grudge-lorette celebrity will score them a very special role in the upcoming Man Vs. Beast 2 eating contest between the world's fattest man and a giant anaconda! They'll be missed...

It's Drone vs. Zombie as FOX's ratings take a much deserved nosedive on this spectacularly uneventful edition of Celebrity Boxing

- Don "King" Milliken

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Grudgie (tm)

I would normally have gone immediately for the midgets, but then I noticed something: you stated that there were only seven midgets. As everyone knows it takes at least a dozen Little People to achieve critical mass, and the more the merrier (as their previous appearance proved). So I had to look at the contenders again.

I decided that the best way to go is to check out how lucky all the other contestants have been. Since Taz, Chewie, Bart, Borg, and Burns barely even register, they're all non-players. So John McClane LOOKS like the winner, but closer inspection reveals that the Grim Reaper is really the only possible winner. You see, the studly skeleton's got the unique honor of having spent quality time with every single chick in history. If they're still alive, well, they'll have their chance soon enough. Grim's shown all those lovely ladies the time of their lives. Ms. White is coming out of this with one hell of a guy...

- Thought Police

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Grudgie (tm)

"When we rule out the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be true." -- Mr. Spock

Elimination by exclusion. Snow White has proven she'll drop anyone under four feet tall for any Prince Charming who comes along (Good- bye Midgets, Taz, Bart, and John McClane). She's already shown that death doesn't become her, after that whole Poison Apple thing (Death, you've been Melvined!) So that just leaves Chewbacca, the Borg Drone, and Monty Burns. Just as she's about to decide, Chewbacca pulls off his head-peice, revealing none other than... Chuck Barris! He turns, pops Monty and the Borg with a pair of well-placed slugs from his Glock, slaps the operators of Grudge-Match with a Federal injunction to prevent them from ripping off any of his game show formulas (Dating Game, Newlywed Game, Gong Show, $1.98 Beauty Show) in the future, and tosses Snow over his shoulder, and runs out the door to the tune of "The Dating Game" while Rip Taylor throws confetti on a confused Brian and Steve.

- Dr. Stones

holy shit!! looks like i finally become a true grudge nut here do to the fact that it looks like im one of the first 5 votes in. bachelorette eh?? umm.. ok. just something to give the true sicko's out there a chance to get nasty here. anyway, whom to vote here for Snow white?? hmmmm....

burns got the money, but Snows a disney bitch and is aready loaded, so, unless she's blown it all her money on Nose snow, she aint going to be going with him. the midgets and taz are out cause im going to bet that somewhere in her disney contract, there are clauses there that say that she can't have sex with a group, midgets, and animals, just so they don't have her good name ruined with the pics all over the internet.

Bart Simpson?? please!! although its every young man's fanatacy to bang a disney cartoon carator, mine mostly being Arial the mermaid, he's not going to get anywhere with her do to the burnout of all the other horny middle school boys that go to disney world and give her the same offer. so, now that leaves us with 4 guys left to go on the private dates with. she goes out with the Grim Reaper goes out first, but the lack of physical touching, the funky smell, and everything seeming to whilt all around them when they go out for a walk.

next up is the borg drone, but he gets the ax quickly when he tries to get to some assimilation in before the night is over. just for good measure, the grim reaper adds him to his "collective", and lets him keep the title of the Universe's Most Relentless S.O.B. next out of the gate is John McClane. yeah, he does have the whole man in uniform thing going for him, but he kept getting calls from his ex-wife and snow white just sees that he has too much baggage to have to deal with.

last but not least, is Chewbacca. he's traveled, seen a lot of things, and he's got really big feet, what woman doesnt like that!!! hey, i'm 6'4", gotta give props to the big man here!!!

- BIGMRG74 --- big booty daddy of gvsu!!

This seems pretty simple to me once you understand feminine "logic."

Taz will win easily. He has no manners. He treats everyone poorly. He slobbers. His personal hygene is a total joke. He hasn't even mastered monosylobic communication. He always tries to intimidate everyone he meets but is so inept that he can't even bring home a rabbit. He doesn't have a steady job.

Ms. White will inevetably think, "I just KNOW I can be that one woman that changes his life." This is followed by a sigh and a mental list of imagined "qualities" that she thinks lurk beneath this uncivilised vineer.

Maybe I'm just a little bitter, but this seems to be the inevitable conclusion.

- Khorboth

In my experience, nothing wins a woman's heart like a bloody fight to the death. So with that in mind let me assess who will win this Grudge-Match tourney for Snow White's heart.

Round One-
McClane v. Burns- McClane is the greatest action hero ever, Burns is 102 and as impotent as a Nevada boxing commisioner. McClane in 3 seconds.
Midgets v. Grim Reaper- seeing how the midgets are mortal and small, they can't beat the bringer of death, so this is also a no contest.
Borg v. Bart- Bart really can't annoy the Borg, and they're immune to his slingshot and spray paint. He won't be assimilated, because he's too quick, but running away doesn't exactly equal a win.
Chewbacca v. Taz- Chewbacca is a 7-foot tall, much stronger and smarter version of Taz with a huge gun. I doubt he would get outsmarted by a talking rabbit. (sorry to insult the uberbunny) Taz can't spin his way out of this one.

Round 2-
McClane v. Grim Reaper- Again a human against the bringer of death. sorry but it's about time for McClane to Die Hard. (get it???)
Chewbacca v. Borg- The Borg are only immune to lazer weapons, not having thier arms ripped off. I mean if Worf can take them down in hand-to-hand combat, Chewie can turn them into a pretzel.

Final Match- Chwebacca v. Grim Reaper- Chewie will win simply because on top of already being somewhere around 200 years old, to him there is no reaper. The reaper is a figure created by humans of our galaxy. Not Wookies of a galaxy far, far away. So the reaper isn't there so he will just go away defeated. Chewie is champion.

- Evil homer

Grudge-lorette Diary, Feb. 8, 2003
Decided to eliminate Borg Drohn from competition. Was too scared to
talk to him afterward. Not long after, the midgets and Mr. Burns
disappeared mysteriously.

G-ette Diary, Feb. 9
Chewie and Taz got into a really bad fight. Taz got so angry, he just
whirled his way out of my life, deciding it wasn't worth the
hassle of "Spprrllllrrachhbsfnnsssthtthppphhttt" as he put it.
Ooooh-kay. Chewie was moaning and groaning and bleeding in
several places. A rather intriguing hunky fellow landed his saucer
ship and came to pick him up. Too bad he came with his wife and
kids. I would've otherwise tried to let him be a contender.

Diary, Feb. 11 Down to Bart, G.R., and John McClane now.
Seems Bart and John have a long history of avoiding Grim Reaper. I
ended up booting the Reaper out for his now irritating silence
and lack of social graces. Was still a very hard decision - he
intrigued me so.

Diary, Feb. 14 Valentine's Day Still Sucks!
I'm a bad, bad, bad, mean, terrible princess! Didn't want to break
his heart, but I let Bart go for his own good. I just couldn't
see any good possibilities in hooking up with him.

For some reason, I'm feeling very frightened and threatened, and I
know /dreamy sigh\ John is the one who will protect me no matter what.
I know he's had divorce problems, but that's ok; he hasn't had a real
princess yet.

- S. Crumb 42

Snow White is going to carefully examine the eight contestants left. The Grim Reaper is going to woo her by reciting a long love sonnet and place his hand over his heart. As he tries to do this, his robe flies open enough to show he is just a skeleton, and thus has no heart! Bye-bye, Death.

Next up is Chewbacca. When she invites him to tell her something about himself, he brags about defeating Worf. After she eventually figures out what he said, she rejects him. Beating Star Trek is like beating the '62 Mets or the '76 Buccaneers. It's so easy it isn't anything to brag over.

The midgets she has no romantic feelings for; she cared for those dwarfs like her kids, not her lovers.

She is seriously considering the Borg until he unexpectedly says he has to regenerate and spontaneously goes to sleep. She slips a rose into one of the many coils along his clothing. ("Excellent," Burns says from a nearby computer console.)

Taz is exceptionally speedy in anything. Snow White will realize she likes a man who takes his time in some matters.

Bart Simpson: see midgets.

Monty Burns is a contender until he shows her his mansion. Snow White excuses herself to go to the powder room. But she gets lost in the huge building, and wanders into a closet. Next thing you know, Burns' wardrobe is enough to make her run screaming.

Which leaves us with John McClane. She is impressed by his hunkiness in that white tank top, and his manly use of "Yippeekayay." Plus, John is the only contestant with THE RAGE(TM). He needs it to take on the opponents he has. He is still seething over the Demi Moore divorce. And he's never gotten over the box-office reception Hudson Hawk got. If all that doesn't give you THE RAGE(TM), then what will?

- mtk1701 (Snow, baby, why wasn't I in the running?)

I know little about the Bachelor/Bachelorette apart from what I've seen on Letterman. Burns is right out - when Snow White realizes that Smithers is doing all the work to woo her, she'll... I dunno, vote him off or whatever. Say, Mr. Burns having to rely on Smithers about WOMEN, heehaw, I bet they make a Simpsons episode with that plotline sometime... if they haven't already.

- Mixmaster Flibble - Hot, in charge, and ready to rock

Snow White uses her UnDisneyLike (tm) sense of humor to decide who is most eligble bachelor by staging an "apple" bobbing competition. All Bachelors Fall asleep (Disney Book of Rules)tm The grim reaper scores points on this round being dead already. He's also tall dark and handsome (Disney Book of rules)tm. Which is why old Grim will win What more can I say He's a regular Disney Champion! "How do you like those apples?!!!"

- Cee Macca

I've gotta go with Chewbacca here. See, none of the other contestants threatened to rip my arm out of it's socket if I didn't vote for them. It makes the choice really simple.

- They Might Be Matt

Snow White finally gets to spend some private time with the bachelors. On her date with Bart, he showed her what a good time really is (if you know what i mean!). Snow loves Mr. Burns and how he thinks everything is so excellent. Chewbacca gives off a bad impression with the constant howling of the word Han! She doesn't even know what borg is- so she had to fake sick. Taz swept her off her feet-litterally-they had to go to the hospital. Snow loves the idea of more than one husband- so that is good for the midgets. The Grim Reaper unfortunately was late for a death-so he totaly blew her off. John scared her by telling her that her meal was gonna explode. Only 4 got roses : Bart, Mr. Burns, Midgets, and Taz (he meant well)

The next round was cut short by the unexpecetd death of Mr. Burns and the midgets were apparently kidnapped. The only clue was small pieces of coal and seven drarf hats and a jealousy note (we all know who was behind this).

To decide the winner, Snow White told the contestant whoever brings back the most guilty dwarves will win her hand in marriage. Taz killed six of them when he stormed passed them. One survived. Dopey was off wondering somewhere. Bart got him and won Snow White's affection.

Two weeks later Snow White was arrested.

- Brian C

Bleah. Another multi-tiered Grudge Match. Fortunately, this one is fairly easier to solve than the others... if you've ever read the ORIGINAL Grimm's Fairy Tales, that is. If you have, you'd know that Death runs RAMPANT in them. It's everywhere. This reason alone should be enough to seal up the prize of Snow's hand for Mr. Reaper.

But, I feel as though I should be more thorough. So, I will proceed to list the problems with all of the other Snow would be likely to see them. Namely, by comparing them to characters from other fairy tales.

CHEWBACCA and TAZ: Both could be mistaken for the Big Bad Wolf. You know, the same wolf who has a criminal record for breaking and entering, matricide, impersonating the elderly (and soliciting a minor in said guise) and destruction of the wildlife habitats for three innocent swine ON HIS OFF DAY. Snow may have a thing for "bad boys", but DAMN.

JOHN MCCLANE: It's Prince Charming (TM) all over again, sans the Charm (TM) and plus a whole lotta sweat, grime, monosyllabic mumbling and a lovely Wife Beater (TM courtesy of Slim Shady Boutiques) to boot. NEXT.

MIDGETS: PLEASE. I'd THINK Snow would have had QUITE her fill of dwarves by now. She probably still has nightmares of Dopey trying to hump her leg. If not, then her obsession with yodeling little people is bordering on a fetish, and she should seek counseling.

BART SIMPSON: Hrm. Rumplestiltskin comes to mind, and Snow strikes me as the sort of person who would RUN her own sweatshop, not be forced to work in one. Besides, if I remember correctly, Bart died the last time he ventured into Fairy Tale land. Just watch the latest Simpsons Treehouse of Horror and you'll see how.

BORG: Reminds me of the Tin Woodsman from the Wizard of Oz. Everybody now: If I only had a heart...

MONTY BURNS: Perhaps the least likely candidate of all. Burns resembles any number of crusty, drooling, maiden-kidnapping "You will marry me by dawn or die" old leches as common to fairy tales as "once upon a time". His name ain't Humperdink, her name ain't Anna Nicole. Comprende?

Go Death! Chicks dig the "Goth" look, anyhow...

- RoboGoober Version 2

As with previous tournaments, precedent is set that this war breaks into smaller battles. Without further adeiu, i'll take the pairings for 1000, alex...

Montgomery Burns vs. Bart: This obvious match will come to an obvious conclusion, which is that viagra is superior to pre-teen hormones. Truly, the pill is mightier than the sword.

Chewbacca vs. Borg: This is as classic as butter on a baked potato. We all know how Star Wars fairs against trek..."set weapons on suicide...Damnit Jim, im a trekkie not a Jedi!...resistance of Star Wars is futile..." as so on. Trek loses faster than than the three seconds it took me to hate Jar Jar.

Midgets vs. Tasmanian Devil: With midgets obviously representing the seven drawfs, this is Disney vs. Warner brothers. I'll never forgive Disney for giving the spinnin vortex of bloody doom that is "beauty and the beast"

Death vs. his job: How can he have time to date when there are so many souls to take? "Two out of three?.....Damn right!'

Which leaves us with John McClane. His victory can be seen in the movie "Die Hard 4: die with a smile on his face after a night with Snow White"

- "Ho Ho Ho, now I have tagged a Disney chick!"~NoLimitJay

In TOC I, Captain Corcoran judged the competitors by their romantic endeavors (or rather, lack thereof), which is certainly relevant to this match. In TOC VI, Charge Man stated that the eight TOC competitors fit rigid stereotypes. These stereotypes, with minor adjustments, remain to this day. Let's begin:

Mr. Burns is the Nerd (like Spock, Q, Dr. Evil, MacGuyver and George W. Bush). Nerds can actually win TOCs, but only with a national army backing them up. Burns can "release the hounds", but I think Taz and Chewie could take them easily. Besides, if Snow White and Burns got together, people would mistake it for the Anna Nicole Smith Show. Ratings suicide.

Bart Simpson is the Wisecracker (like Mike and the bots, The Tick, The Joker, Hannibal Lector and Austin Powers). After initial success, the Wisecrackers' appeal has collapsed. Besides, could you imagine Bart winning ANY girl's heart? Hardly.

Chewbacca is the Ostracized, Much-Speculated Entity (like Godzilla, Batman, the X-Men, the Death Star, and Marvin). Normally, I'd go with Chewie, but as many of you may know, Chewie is already married. If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, what about a female Wookiee? Chewie's only chance at avoiding castration (at the very least) is to duck out immediately.

The Midgets are the Underdogs (like the Hooligans, Dilbert, Stephen Hawking, the Rottweiler and Cookie Monster). Underdogs don't win here. It's in their nature.

The Borg are the Black-Suited Bad-***es (like the Men in Black, the Blues Brothers, Mad Max, and the Terminator [twice]). These guys don't win either, and the Borg are lost in a romantic competition. The Borg Queen has the hots for Data, for crying out loud!

John McClane is the Man of Action (like Boba Fett, Duke Nukem, Jackie Chan, Mr. T, and the Crocodile Hunter). While these guys have two victories, you'll notice it's only when they are UNARMED. John's gun is his downfall. No yippie-ki-yay this time.

The Grim Reaper is the Robed Supernatural-Powered Entity (like Death [himself], Darth Maul, Emperor Palpatine, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Moses). These guys don't win, because it's more fun to figure out creative ways to defeat them. Besides, Death is a life-long virgin (as Mike and the bots pointed out in TOC IV), and you can't permanently kill most cartoon characters anyway. Grimmy would have more luck with Bambi's mother.

Finally, Taz has Different Moral Standards (like King Arthur, Yoda, Hobbes, Khan, and Calvin). There's a reason these competitors have a victory and two close second-place finishes: Yoda was the ideal Survivor contestant and Calvin & Hobbes have loyal fan followings. Taz is the best of both worlds: rabid fans (some literally, I think) and a great bachelor (the divorce with Mrs. Taz was ugly and he's ready on the rebound). Who could stand up to the whirling eddy of pure testosterone that is Taz? Nobody! Score one for the Woodland Creature.

... until he realizes that this show was actually "Joe Princess", and Snow White was Imelda Marcos in disguise. But that's another story...

- Oxymoron ("@#$%#@%#^*@#$!")

To tell the truth, I was leaning toward a tie between the midgets and chewbacca, but the Tasmanian Devil is the only possible choice, for one reason, and one reason only. He ate William Shatner. William Shatner is best known for his role as Captain James T. Kirk. Captian Kirk is best known for his vast amount of girlfriends from every race in the galaxy. For some God awful reason, no lady he came in contact with could possibly avoid falling "in love" with him. As the old saying goes, "You are what you eat." The Tasmanian Devil is now William Shatner. The Tasmanian Devil now posesses Captain Kirk's inexplicable apeal to women. Poor Snow White won't know what hit her.

- Emmy the Homicidal Maniac (You can call me Mmy!)

At first, the choice seems simple... John McClane, sexy cop hero with a heart. But in all fairness I decided to not just jump to obvious winner stereotypes, and look closely at Snow White's relationship with each one.

This time it looks as though our sweaty lead male is pushed out by a bunch of midgets (ugh... porn acting flashback...). Anyways, all jokes and repressed memories aside, it really looks like Snow White may pick the shorties. However, as any self-respecting role-playing geek knows, midgets are not dwarves. They're halflings. I mean, come on. Everyone knows midgets have hairy feet. Don't believe me? Ask one!

The rest of the competition is a joke... except for one outstanding contender. He and Miss White have a past, and she keeps running back to him over and over. There's no way she can resist him now, here in the flesh... so to speak. Yes, I am of course talking about the one, the only... DEATH! No question, ol' Grim's got this one in the bag. I mean, let's look at the facts:

1)Snow White is almost magically attracted to dying, and, by association, Death himself.
- "Oo, a corset! Fun!" *Die!*
- "Oo, a comb! Fun!" *Bite it!*
- "Oo, an apple! Fun!" *Blarg! I am dead!*
2)Snow White has a thing for creepy, mysterious men.
- "Oh, hello random necropheliac stranger who kissed my dead body! Let's get married!"
3)Snow White is way less hot than Sleeping Beauty.
- This has nothing to do with anything, but I needed to round off these numbers. Plus, it's true.

So, it is quite obvious that Snow White will rush back into the waiting arms of her skeletal boyfriend to be, will promptly die, and our buddy Grim will heave a sigh and bring her back... again.

- Shadowmeld

*Seven competitors dead, one left alone with Snow White. As the two stand, two more figures walk up and look around*
The Sherlock Of Doom (Really The Hooligan Of Doom): HOLY SHIT!
Dr. Devin (Really Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee): THIS IS... AWESOME!!!!
The Sherlock Of Doom: Really!... but who coulda done this?
Dr. Devin: I suspect it was BART SIMPSON!!!!
The Sherlock Of Doom: He's dead and over there.
*The Sherlock Of Doom points to a pile of steaming flesh with yellow spikey hair*
Dr. Devin: AWESOME!!!!
The Sherlock Of Doom: It was... CALVIN!!!!
Dr. Devin: Really?
The Sherlock Of Doom: Really. You notice that everyone BUT John McClane is dead, most simply shot or stabbed, but Bart's body mutilated.
Dr. Devin: Amazing! Simply amazing! And where is he?
The Sherlock Of Doom: I just find out who did it, not catch them! What do I look like, a bloody magician?
Ozzy Osbourne: No, but I am!
Dr. Devin: By the way, why didn't he kill John McClane?
The Sherlock Of Doom: They both like destruction, so they have that bond which protected him.
Dr. Devin: Brilliant!
*In the shadows, two figures stand, a large one and small one*
Calvin: They recognized me, but not you Jason. Why?
*Jason Vorhees simply shrugs*
Calvin: Oh well... let's find Freddy and say "Hi!"
*Both get demonic looks in their eyes as the lift large sharp pointy objects before they leave*

- The Sherlock Of Doom, only one of The Hooligan Of Doom's Multiple Personalities (come on decleration of insanity so I can be an escapee too!)

Well, being a Teenage boy, i know exactly NOTHING about what goes on inside a girl's head, so i'll do my best to fake it (no pun intended).

I see Snow White making a series of three decisions, each based on something i have learned or been told, about "what women want".

The first is a simple one. To quote Good Charlotte, "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money". Obviously, that rules out Bart, Taz, and the Borg, for none of them can drive (and even if he could, the Borg Cube isn't as stylish a ride as Snow White would ride in, believe you me- try gettin a chick with an 86 Chevy Cavalier... but i digress).

The second is also quite basic. As much as women SAY they want someone who cares about them... they don't. So that gets rid of chewie easily.

This leaves The Grim Reaper, John McClane, The Midgets, Monty as the only bachelors left. McClane is immediately out of it when, on their final date, he has to rush out and save something from terrorists, or the dark side, or whatever (unfortunately, the show's producers scheduled their date for Christmas Eve). The Midgets get eliminated because Snow White has already done the whole "living with 7 midgets" thing, and she didn't like all the singing.

So our finalists are the Reaper, and Monty Burns. Now if there is one thing i know about women, it's that they like guys who are tall, dark, and handsome. And who is taller and darker than the Reaper? No one, that's who.

So Snow White and The Grim Reaper embrace on the final show, but Snow White has a secret she didn't tell him, that she couldn't tell him, not until the end. Grim looks upon her awestruck as, like those Pepsi Twist (tm) commercials, she unzips her face and transforms into... (insert dramatic drumroll here)...

JOE MILLIONARE (tm)! Grim throws himself a cliff, destraught about facing his heterosexuality, Joe goes back to whatever floosie he wants this week, and Fox TV executives laugh all the way to the bank.

- Ryan Neilan

Think about this. Disney is the epitome of evil. THERFORE< Snow White must be the epitome of evil too. SO she can only choose someone who is THE most evil person IN THE WORLD.

Which means some of the contestants are already out of luck. The Midgets, Chewbacca, and John McClane all leave early. Finding out there were only 5 left, Death proceeded to high five Borg, he went limp and was carried off the set. Which left 4 contestants. So which one is truly the most evil?

Taz- He shows how evil he is by continuing to eat and destroy trees and small animals despite PETA's bitching. Standing up to PETA, THE most evil corporation outside of Florida, REALLY makes you evil. Bonus points for Taz.

Monty- VERY evil. Runs unsafe nuclear power plant, owns countless pairs opf fur clothes, and has even stolen 1 trillion dollars. Only downfall si that he employs Carl, showing he is an equal opputunity employer, and lowering his evil rating.

Bart- Instantly disqualified for wanting to save puppies. I mean, Burns was gonna make a real bad-ass coat out of em too. All they were gonna do was get all big and ugly and poop everywhere. Sorry Bart, maybe we'll let you can be on Celebrity Survivor, with all the other people who are only semi-evil.

Death- He is truly the most evil. Why? Not because of the people he kills, but because of the people he REFUSES to kill. Like Anna Nicole Smith, Michael Jackson, that jackass from "American Idol" and the people who run FOX. Definitely they most evil, definitely the winner.

- Spooner *Smartest Man alive, *

Much as I hate to say it Burns has this one in the bag. Why? Because he is rich and so old no one would think twice if he died mysteriously during the honeymoon. And on a show like this you would have to be insane to think that everyone involved is in it for anything other then money. However I see snow white linking up with Chewbacca a few months after Burns bites the big one.

- Spamboy (I once tried to understand women and they only let me out of the strait-jacket last week)

To tell the truth, I don't know who will win. I do know one thing, though. Midgets have got a giant chip on their disproportionately small shoulders. have you ever had a midget challenge you to a fight? because if you haven't, you've never met one. and they fight dirty, I mean straight for the groin. god, those tiny fists... so much mass and raw fury... It was horrible. what were we talking about again? oh, the TOC. hell if I care.

- Kramertim

Burns will win because he can buy off the other contestants. We're talking about a man who built a giant disc to come out of a mountain to block out the entire sun over the city of springfield. The man is loaded.

He can hire a bounty hunter to capture Chewie easily enough, and a nice poacher to give him a tazmainian devil skin rug for his study. Bart Simpson poses no threat, because Burns will can Homer's ass if Bart interferes with the contest. John McClane will find himself facing another horde of privately funded terrorists with horrible eastern european accents, ostensibly led by Ranier Wolfcastle. Smithers will broker a deal with the borg, where they're allowed to assimilate all the midgets for amusement. Burns then betrays Smithers' trust by selling his soul to the Reaper in exchange for Snow White.

- Master Baster

So, this match has the Disney Snow White, huh? Not the kickass, no-nonsense, gorgeous woman version from Fables (TM by Vertigo), but the excessively merchandised, hapless stereotypical princess version.... oh well.

This means the match (or at least this response) will invoke any and all Disney references, no matter how tenuous. Kinda sad; I'd rather have DC superheroes instead (Vertigo being from DC). On to the match; I would like to focus on Burns and Grim Reaper here.

Burns is a crotchety black-hearted old bastard, 'nuff said. He left a poor window washer hanging for dear life. He earned a young girl's trust only to break her idealism and the bodies of thousands of marine creatures. He once tried to block out the sun! Does this guy even have a heart?! Of course.....Burns lacks a heart; how else can he do all these malevolent things and NOT get heart attacks at such an old age? Mr. Burns is HEARTLESS.

The Grim Reaper is Death personified. He is the manifestion of that inevitable obvilion that gets us all in the end, regardless of our accomplishments, our desires for the future. He is Apathy and Nothingness. He is the antithesis of Life and Hope...and Heart. That and his incorporeal body doesn't have organs anyway. The Grim Reaper is HEARTLESS.

Snow White is a princess. In addition, her movie is highly associated with lawful-good ideals of love, hope, innocence, and romance, stuff Disney is notorious for. Snow White is a PRINCESS OF HEART.

What are Burns and Death trying to accomplish with Snow White in this match? Win her over, sweep her off her feet, date her, court her..... In short, THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY HER HEART!! If this isn't a Kingdom Hearts (TM) scenario, I don't know what is. Looks like this match isn't so Simple and Clean(TM) anymore (heh).

Expect Sora, Donald, and Goofy to appear and whack Burns and Grim Reaper upside the head with the Keyblade. Expect Burns and Grimmy to dissolve into lots green, old, and clear balls. Expect Snow White to finally choose surprise contestant Sora over the others. Expect Sora to decline, as he's too busy searching for Kairi and the Keyholes for a relationship. Expect Snow White to select Bart as runner up, as Bart is the only other kid.

If Sora doesn't appear, consider this: Bart has spiky hair. In addtion, he is an annoying kid with lots of faults, with we love him anyway. Did I mention the spiky hair? Bart is the closest subsistute to Sora (or any Square hero) thereof, and with Milhouse acting as Donald and Cletus as Goofy, expect him to whack Burns and Grimmy upside the head with a Buster Sword....errr, I mean skateboard.

Either way, Bart Simpson wins! All thanks to tenaous Squaresoft references by means of tenaous Disney references! I feel better about the lack of superheroes already.

- Katrover Swatroad

Chewie is hairier than Robin Williams. How many chicks dig hairy guys? That's what I thought.

- Noble "Durendal" Brown

I say throw her to the Grim Reaper right along with all the other people on these dating-survivor shows. If these people are so pathetic that they can't find dates themselves, then they don't deserve to date & eventually reproduce. Do us a favor, kill them & get their genes out of the pool.

- Mistress Heather, Keeper of the Dungeon

Hold on just one minute! There is only room for one burnet-furred suitor in this match. Either Chewie or the Tazmanian Devil will have to go. Considering how much Chewie likes hanging out with the Ewoks in the forests of Endor, I will have to go with Taz; he has a history with forest clearance. For a Champion of his calibre, with The Rage(tm), taking care of an entire forest moon and Several Times His Own Weight In Ewoks And Wookies(tm) will take approximately three minutes and four seconds leaving seven contestants remaining. However, the exhilaration of such an easy victory will take the edge off The Rage(tm), leaving Taz feeling little more than Grumpy(tm).

What are the other contestants doing during this massacre? Well, without Smithers to look after him, Monty Burns is having trouble coping on his own. With no flunkies and yes-men to order about, he is reduced to wandering around with a Dopey(tm) expression on his face trying to find out the difference between catsup and ketchup. The Grim Reaper isn't really in the running; sure, Snow White finds him mysterious, but that tall dark and quiet thing just tells me that he's too Bashful(tm) to marry a princess; he could never handle the media attention.

The midgets, meanwhile, are getting organised. They have decided to elect their own champion, a giant among midgets. Their chosen spokesman is a medical man, because every girl's mother tells her to marry a doctor, right? The Doc(tm) plans to woo Snow White himself, winning her heart to take back to his vertically-challenged Mormon brethren.

Bart Simpson's mind really isn't on the task at hand. He is having far too much fun being away from home; he is Happy(tm) to be away from his parents, as he gets to stay up late and watch cable TV. Plus, Snow White's Enchanted Forest is a great place for skateboarding. The Borg Drone doesn't really share Bart's enthusiasm for the Forest, though. He is feeling a bit under the weather. He is an alien, after all, and H.G. Wells taught us that when coming to Earth aliens are particularly vulnerable to the common cold. It's no wonder the Borg is feeling a little Sneezy(tm).

That leaves only one contestant; John McClane. Now, putting aside the fact that he is already married (who suggested this match, Polygamist's Weekly?), this man can hardly be expected to perform well in this fight. He has had to climb exploding skyscrapers, jump on exploding planes, run around an exploding city and escape an exploding Death Star (detecting a theme here?). What more can you ask of the poor man? Let him rest! After all that he is bound to be feeling rather Sleepy(tm).

You know, there isn't really a clear winner out of the seven remaining contestants. We need a True Champion, a man of enormous stature who dwarfs all before him. Who can this man be? None other than Mr. T, of course! I pity the fool who can't see that. When he arrives, dressed in the fine jewellry that a princess has come to expect, it's all over for Taz, Monty, the Midgets, Bart, Grim, the Drone and McClane, because everybody knows you can throw a dwarf helluva far. Mr. T is the winner!

Oh. I've got to pick one of the contestants on the list? OK then. Bart Simpson wins the First Annual Enchanted Forest Dwarf Tossing Championship after being thrown helluva farther than anyone else.

- Duc de Nevers

odds on somebody pasting together a picture of chewie and snow together doing it doggy style and sending that in: 25 to 1

odds that that person will also be a rabid vote-stuffer: 45 to 1

odds on somebody sending in that picture of snow white in the orgy with the seven dwarfs: 5 to 1

odds of somebody sending in a picture of bart simpson and monty burns double teaming snow white: 35 to 1

odds on somebody sending in a picture of snow white after she is assimilated and has seven of nine's implants: 8 to 1

odds of thinkmaster general paddling the canoe to any of the pictures sent in: EVEN MONEY


Thanks for reminding us that Thinkmaster's annual porn intervention is overdue. - Eds.

If I'm not mistaken, this is a parody of one of those retarded dating shows, the Bachelorette (not worthy of (tm)). So, each contestant will be voted off one by one, until the winner is declared. Here's who will go off first and why:

8th- Borg. "Star Trek MUST Lose!" Must us Grudgies make that more clearer to you?
7th- John McClane. Sorry, but Death will see him as the biggest competetor to overcome and kill him on national TV
6th- Death. Arrested for killing on national TV
5th- Bart. First of all, he shouldn't be here in the first place, he a minor! Second, he will seem to chidish for Snow White, and he'll get the boot.
4th- Montgomery Burns. Snow White will either see him as the corrupt, evil, spawn-of-Satan that he is, or will think he's gay because he's always around the fruity Smithers. Either way, he's gone, and possibly dead after a heart attack.
3rd- Chewbacca. If Snow White want someone who's hairy, wild, and crazy, she'll pick Taz over Chewy any day (sorry fellow Star Wars fans, I like Chewy too, but he's probably not going to win.)
2nd- Taz. He would be my pick, if you didn't say something about 7 midgets. For God's sake, could you have made it any more OBVIOUS??? Snow White was BORN to mooch off 7 small men, in exchange for a little fun at night, if you catch my drift.
WINNER- 7 midgets, who's plaque will now be displayed next to Mr. T's and all other champions.

- The Geek Next Door

I honestly don't care who wins. I'm just curious to see how the Bachelors will react after they find out that the woman they thought was a princess is really a construction worker.

- Insert cool name here

C'mon, what red-blooded female WOULDN'T want to get hot 'n' heavy with the Grim Reaper? He's got the power to kill anyone, a cool looking black hoodie, and from what I've heard, is a sweet bass player for the Wyld Stallyns.

- Grudge-Pops™: Guaranteed to douple your blood pressure

My name is Shaun Burns, that's Mr. Burns to most. Like Montgomery Burns I am evil, maniacal, thin, moderately well off and the scourge of my local city. I don't lose, so naturally Montgomery, based on contrast and comparison does not lose either. So Mr.Burns wins, and by association I win. Ahhhh, life is good.

- Shaun The Other White Meat

Fussion powered vibrating attachments...even though Star Trek must always lose, the Borg wins, this round.

- Kain

Enlighten me, folks. When Death wins, how does he avoid killing the prize? "Not tonight, Death, I have a headache." (Imagine Deaths cool gothic font.) "I can take care of that..."


Here is what might have happened in this mighty battle of the Heart...

In Round One, Mr.Burns was spotted trying to buy a 'love apple' from a suspicious looking old woman, who was swiftly ran off the scene by the other bachelors... After Bart Simpson unwittingly exposed the Billionare, Burns sustained 72 stab wounds in the back (See the Future episode of Lisa's Fortune-telling)and was carried off the scene and declared out of the contest...

John McClane dissapeared in Round Two, although no one was quite sure where he was, 7 hours later he returned with the head of the Borg Collective in one hand, and a battered old 9MM Which still had one bullet left in it and a tape of 'Die Hardest' which will soon be released in most major theaters. During this time, Bart Simpson convinced all of the midgets that they would have a contract with Disney if they were fast. Predictably, the midgets hit the road, jack, Further reducing the field of competition to 5 competitors

In Round three, Taz and Chewbacca, in their 9th hour of their incredable staredown, finally snapped between them, Resulting in what could have been a brawl that would wreck the entire set...Until Grim intervined and saved Snow white from certain mussiness with two cold touches. With 3 Competitors Remaining, Bart Simpson, The Grim Reaper and John McClane, McClane concentrated on being the rough-but-lovable unlucky cop, as Bart showed the reaper that he could pay him in a small collection of Souls-on-paper to go away. After a brief bargainning session, Bart gained control of the scythe, in exchange for Mr.Flanders soul, Finally prompting a final Duel between the Unluckiest cop in NYC and the toughest Kid This side of Evergreen Terrace.

Finally, in round four, the battle was Joined, But bart simpson could not stand up to McClane and the infamous Rage(tm) that he had garnered over the years, after being stuck into stupid situation after stupid situation. Distracted by a roaring 'Yippie-kai-yay!'(tm) Bart simpson went down with a bullet to the head, falling fifty feet from his place among the electronics where he had planned to nail McClane from above, after 20 seconds of Bullet Time where bart fell in good dramatic style (only to have his head taken off by Grim's scythe) McClane remains the last man Standing, and after a broken, Somewhat childish, but ultimately cool Lovespeech, he rides off into the Sunset with Snow white in hand, Hoping he can finally get out of his streak of wierd situations...

That is of course... Until the wedding....

- The Spy Jimmy

I entered "german snow white midget porn" into my search engine the other day, and wouldn't you know it...

- Curious Beyond Limitation

hmmmmmm..... a jihad royale must be going down in the voting here. only way anybody is going to win this one is who has pissed off less people and can forge allences long enuff for the match. looks like the star wars jihad has been doing well, being chewie has a slim lead here. but my question is, knowing that they aready have a grudge against all simpsons, which way is the Braveheart Jihad leaning?? being that they have never lost to Star Wars, my fear that these two jihads have combined to form an uber-jihad that would engage in light to heavy vote stuffing, going to friends, family, and other computers at work or school to do their dirty deads. i fear that even the almighty Mr. T will not be able to hold them back, even with the shock troops chihuahuas backing him.

- mighty tuff to chewie!

Well, it's seems only proper to respond to this match... with a folk song! (As sung by Harry Chapin)

Eight bachelors there were
Going for the goal
But Snow White hated Gang Banging
and so the midgets went back digging up coal.

Seven bachelors there was
Going for the dame
Turns out the Borg was a mama's boy
And couldn't handle the fame.

Six bachelors were there
In this game they play
Burns transfered Homer Simpson
and Bart had to move away.

Five bachelors exsisted
To steal the lady's heart
Snow White dismissed Mr. Burns
For what he did to Bart.

Four bachelors to pick
What a tough choice
The Grim Reaper was kicked out
Cause he had the most annoying voice.

Three bachelors were left
Snow White was in a jam
She eliminated John McClane
Just because she can.

Two bachelors remained
Both large hairy men.
Snow White pulled a name out of a hat
And it was the Taz-man!

One bachelor won
Chewy pulled through
He de-gutted the devil
And now wears his fur for shoes.
. . .

And then, you can always depend on Monty Python!
Taken from "Monty Python's Meaning of Life.
Grim Reaper: You Americans! You have no balls!

The Grim Reaper isn't american.

- Killer B...I like pie...

Both women and men seek to replicate the familiar in their choice of romantic partners. If Dad was totally overpowering and bossed you around, as an adult you're likely to go with someone who will do the same - it feels normal and safe (you little wuss!)

So if Mom was out of the picture early on (they always are in fairy tales) and Dad is a presumably distant monarch who also died and left you in the care of your heartless, unnaturally young (and/or alive) stepmom who depends on a barely-animate lacky for unending fawning support and gets pleasure out of ordering the deaths of helpless minions...

She's gonna be ALL OVER Monty Burns, and when he inevitably tries to have her killed so he can rule over... uh, whatever kingdom it is... her friends can sit around eating Ben & Jerry's and say "I told you so."

Then she'll get back together with him and be mad at all her friends.

- Princess Whiny of Codependia

man. this sucks. i love star wars, but i know its limitations. and john McClane would tear chewie up. i know that it is a losing battle, but since i go to a private Christian school, i know the power of prayer, so maybe truth will prevail and we will see that becuase McClane is more Hardcore TM than all the rest. the end.

- maverick

The three things women are most attracted to are money, bad-boy attitudes, and dark, brooding, souls-in-torment. A toss-up between Burns, Bart, and Death. Snow White looks a good deal like Speed Racer, who constantly flirts with Death.

- Safety Swami Pippin

12 dead creatures of all shapes and sizes lay in various positions on the floor. They all have a twisted grimace on their still and lifeless faces. The Grim Reaper looks up from his work "... and now," he points at the remaining competitor "it is your time to die." The cyborg stares back at him emotionless "death is irrelevant, you will be assimilated." However with one touch from death the borg's assimilating days are over.

Snow White re-enters the room, having gone out just five minutes before to powder her nose, to find all but one of her suitors dead. But being an optimistic sort of girl she decides that it will just making choosing her suitor easier. She approaches Death with the questions on her lips. "No," cries The Reaper. "None can withstand the touch of death!"

Nevertheless Snow White reaches out and takes a bony hand in hers. "Death can oblitorate many things, but it cannot destroy love. And now we will be together forever." They kiss gently.

Death smiles and then looks worried, "Did I mention that I'm a woman?"

- The Pancake Man

Montgomery Burns, in a seeming display of sportsmanship, invites the other 7 contenders to his nuclear power plant for a private tour. After they are "accidentally" locked in a uranium-filled chamber, he returns to Snow White to claim victory and, in light of the "tragic and mysterious disappearance" of the other contenders, offer a little comfort, Burns style.

- Binnsa

Monty is over all the obvious choice. He has money, connections, no real compassion or soul of any kind, and don't forget the pocket-fox aphrodisia. This can all be pounded down into these extreamly perkful perks-

1. Money = presents. Presents people! Lots of them. Big ones. Like that Desoto Firefly I've been begging for...
2. Connections = connections! There's not one well known Celebrity and millionare who hasn't visited Springfeild once. Hey Monty, hook me up Smashing Pumpkins.
3. No compassion, soul = Many, many enemies suddenly gone from your life. Finance department here I come...
4. Pocket-fox aphrodisia = Wild, old man sex. Ok.. not so perkful but you get the idea.

- Velvet Blood

Snow White lived with seven dwarves. She obviously has a fetish. I'm goin' with the midgets.

- Old HickDonald

The Borg can either: Assimilate the judges and declare themselves winners. Assimilate the other contestents and win no matter who wins. Assimilate the audiance and rush the stage. Assimilate the people who use this site and vote for themselves. The second choice makes the most sense.

- Michael Moon

You don't even have to watch any of these televised matchmaking atrocities to know that "time alone" with each candidate is usually spent in a hot tub and that "Reality Show Bachelorette" is a synonym for "easy." Snow White could be open to criminal prosecution if she does what comes naturally...or unnaturally, in this case. Intimacy with the bachelors could lead to the following charges:

Chewbacca: Bestiality. Sentient or not, interspecies mating is interspecies mating. This goes for the Tasmanian Devil as well.
The Grim Reaper: Necrophilia, plus she'll be dead.
Bart Simpson: Three words: Mary Kay LeTourneau.
Borg Drohn: Probably qualifies as necrophilia, but in any case, there will be prosecution because it "just ain't right!"
Midgets: Having sex with a dwarf is no problem, but the words "seven midgets" "nubile young woman" and "carnal knowledge" are pretty sure to get someone sent to jail.
Monty Burns: Might be mistakenly prosecuted as necrophilia, and who could blame them? Also, depending on where the match takes place, there may be old laws on the books against gettin' busy with demonic minions of Satan.

But what about John McClane, you ask? He's a police officer, so he's bound by oath to take her in. In fact, this whole thing's probably a sting operation- putting a counter-terrorist expert like John on vice squad duty is just the kind of thing the Bloomberg administration would do.

- Mr. Silverback- Watch for Snow White II: Prison Princess, only on Disney DVD.

ok, so youve put dwarves, cartoons, a muppet and STAR TREK against bruce willis? Considering that death will want him to win so him and the princess can breed more killers I see this as kind of lopsided.

- ex agent

McClane would win, here's why:

Chewbacca - A career second banana. Second bananas never gets the chick.
Midgets - Munchkins couldn't get Dorothy or even the wicked witch.
Tasmanian Devil - Taz couldn't even get Bugs Bunny in drag.
Bart Simpson - Couldn't get get Rosannes daughter and even Milhouse had a better chance with Lisa than Bart does with Snow White.
Grim Reaper - Huh? Grim Reaper? Not only could he not beat Bill and Ted in any sort of contest, but he won't be able to beat any of the other contestants.
John McClane - Granted he usually only ends up with Mrs. McClane, but the cute car rental girl flirted with him and that's better than any of these other guys could do.
Montgomery Burns - Lost a woman to Abe Simpson for God's sakes.
Borg - The Borg couldn't even keep 7 of 9. Now way they can keep Snow of White.

- G-Man

It's pretty obvious from my side of things.

Point 1) Snow White is depressed after her defeat. All the saccharine smiles won't convince me otherwise. Deep down, she's hurting. She knows that whatever she once had, she lost. She needs security.

Point 2) Montgomery Burns is rich. Filthy rich. In fact, he's so rich he doesn't *really* know what to do with it all. What he really wants is companionship.

Point 3) Monty is also deathly ill. If you recall (and I'm sure you do), his health is a balancing act of all the various disease he has. If anything new enters the equation, he'll die.

Point 4) The Anna Nicole Smith story. 'Nuff said.

Point 5) Snow White would most certainly qualify as "something new" in Monty's life.

I think it's obvious that she picks him, waits until he dies (or does the job herself), inherits all his money after a bitter lawsuit with Smithers, becomes fat as her youth fades away, then finally gets a low-rated TV show on Cable.


Chewbacca vs. C. Montgomery Burns

Ok... Borg are out of the question... they might always understand her, but where's the love? Besides. How good a pickup line is 'Resistance if futile'? I'd give McClane a shot, but wouldn't those blood stains get to be a bit much, anyway? And Snow White got squeemish over seeing a knife. McClane's arsenal is enough to make George W. take a powder.

Bart's out, right on the hop. Disney wouldn't back a cradle-robber. And with the new line of sequals comming out, Snow just can't give up a piece of that pie... This midgets lose out right quick. Seven halfling perverts were obviously too much for her in the first place.

Taz would care for Snow's wild side, and she'd never be bored, but comunication would hold these two love birds back. The Grim Reaper and Snow White had a short fling, during the dwarven years, but there can be no sex life, and the relationship would suffer for it.

Aside from being 100+, Burns has lost what chance at childeren he could have by years upon years at the plant. Also, his one kid was kinda a disapointment. No sex life here, folks, same problems.

Which all comes down to this: 'Wanna see the wookie?' Bingo. Tall, dark, and handsome, he's successful, rich, he always understands, doesn't talk too much, and obviously takes pride in his personal grooming (Note the lack of body dreadlocs.)


The only unavoidable things in life are death nad taxes.

We know that C. Montgomery Burns has cheated the IRS (he only pays three dollars a year in taxes on his nuclear plant), and that he has also cheated death (he has every disease known to modern medicine at once). So we can draw two conclusions from this. A:he is dead or B:he is immortal and tax-resistant. He can't be dead or else he wouldn't have cheated death which screws up my little equasion, so he must be an immortal, tax-resistant cartoon character. What else could Snow White be looking for?

Oh, and let's not forget Monty's special love tonic, made from the pockets of a pocketfox. (which is extinct due to overhunting)

-The Voice of what if i watch the Simpsons too much...

Midgets scare me. So does Disney.

- Biff Justice

With Disney making so many sequels these days, all i have to say is remember Beauty and the Beast? Disney is way too predictable for it to be anyone other than Chewbacca.

- Tom Murphy

Ok. Lets look at it logically. You've got a dating game (a build up to a sex scene), pop culture icons, a chick in the center, and this is based on the internet. What do these lead to? Why, porn of course. Now then, its a known fact that geeks have wierd sexual tastes (I just know, ok?). So it stands to reason that geeks would like to see snow white get it on with the wierdest of the wierd.

John Mclane: Too ordinary for the fetish-laden geeks. Out of the bucket.
Montgomery Burns: There are alot of stories about corporate geeks bonking their secretaries and all (geeks desperately hope that this is true) but this isn't high enough on the kinkiness factor. Out this goes.
Bart Simpson: Geeks like to see younger girls get it on. Not younger guys. Out bart.
Grim Reaper: an oddity. Don't think geeks like to see skeletons get it on. Out.
Midgets: Ok, we- I mean geeks- like to see kinky sex, but not with a bunch of midgets gangbanging a woman. Doesn't turn us-i mean them- on.
Tasmanian Devil: Beastiality. Can't say that geeks don't find this a bit of a turn on (c'mon. admit it. you know that its true). But then there are the other 2 to contend with...
The Borg: Robot-human sex? Hot diggidy damn! The geeks LOVE this sort of shit! But this is Star Trek, and Star Trek Must Lose comes into play.
Chewbacca: A sci-fi animal like creature getting it on. What geek won't INSTANTLY vote for this guy. Chewie in a nutshell...

- i ain't a geek. I just know them.

Well folks its time to announce the winner!
{Snow White stands center stage nervously clutching a rose}
{Cutin rises on the bachelors, only Monty Burns and Mclane are there}
"where are the others?" White asks hesitantly. Before Monty can answer Mclane bursts out:
"The two hairy things are still backstage sniffing each others butts. Bart was just dragged off by his parole officer for that little move he made on you in the hot tub the other night. The drohn like all eruo-trash has mistaken the midgets for little boys, and is offering them candy to come back to its cube for somthing called 'integration'."
"And death?" White asks puzzled that the true gentle man is nowhere to be found.
Monty mutters, "He mentioned somthing about HotBranch before he hurried off"
"oh, well in that case..." White begins to move tworads Mr. Burns. John lights a cigeratte shakes his head "just like a woman, baby, eh. I still got a wife somewhere."
Reminded of Ms. McLane, White turns around and dives on Mclane, obeying her foolish woman instincts (TM). Mclane looks at her with indiffrence, causing her to cling even tighter to him. And that is the end to this twisted little romance... or is it?

- High Flyer

Snow White is a princess. As I learned from my unsuccessful attempt to propose to Grace Kelly, princesses are very concerned about Blue Blood (tm). Snow will make her decision based on which competitor is aristocratic enough. This automatically rules out most of them:

-Grim Reaper: Obviously a working-class type. Just look at that farming tool he carries around. Besides, The Seventh Seal showed that he's Swedish, and "Swedish Aristocrat" is an oxymoron, like "Bush Doctrine."
-Bart Simpson: Well, he's a Simpson. While his family has a history of alcoholism and rowdiness, which is a sine qua non of any aristocratic family, it also has Homer in it. That Hugh Grant clone didn't want to marry into a family containing Homer, and neither will a snooty princess like Snow White.
-John McClane: While he is obnoxious enough to be an aristocrat, he also has poor taste in clothes. That whole "ripped t-shirt decorated with blood" wardrobe would make it impossible for Snow to take him to Elsa Maxwell's Riviera parties. Besides, he'd probably blow up the Riviera and Elsa wouldn't like that one bit.
-Tasmanian Devil: Already married (to the Tasmanian She-Devil who turned up at the end of "Devil May Hare"). And his indiscriminate eating habits would offend the refined sensibilities of Snow, who only eats tasteful stuff like chopped fish eggs and frog's legs.

That leaves us with four competitors who really have a chance:

-Mr. Burns: His wealth and power will impress Snow White, and his evilness will be a nostalgic reminder of her stepmother. However, she won't be able to overlook the fact that he's of low birth -- remember, his parents were poor, and his brother was a cigar-smoking comedian.
-Midgets: Their small stature and weird voices suggest that they might be inbred, and as we all know, inbreeding is a defining characteristic of aristocrats (and hillbillies). But the problem is that there are too many of them, which reduces their value. A spoiled rich brat like Snow isn't going to choose a husband from a crowd, any more than she'd agree to wear a mass-produced dress.
-Borg Drohn: His good looks, lack of human feelings, and expensive jewelry will impress Snow. But when she asks him how he feels about the aristocracy, he'll shock her by replying: "The aristocracy is irrelevant. Royalty is irrelevant. You will be assimilated." Clearly he's some kind of free-thinking anarchist.
-Chewbacca: That slurred speech. Those strange facial features. That lack of basic social skills. That bizarre ancestral history. Anyone who has seen Prince Charles on TV will recognize these as the defining features of Royalty (tm). All hail, Prince Chewbacca. Snow White has found a new consort.

- Captain Corcoran

According to, "Snow White" has the following compatability ratings with each contestant:

Chewbacca: 58%
Midgets: 59%
Tasmanian Devil: 13%
Bart Simpson: 78%
Grim Reaper: 72%
John McClane: 99%
C. Montgomery Burns: 44%
Borg: 76%

So McClane is clearly the winner. But this would have been pretty obvious even without the Calculator; I kind of doubt that Snow White is into bestiality, pedophilia, old guys, robot sex, or necrophilia, and the midgets will just give up after realizing they'll only get her one day a week.

And so I blatantly rip off my Silver-Grudgie-winning entry from the Barker-Dawson match. Pathetic, ain't it?

- The Amazing Rando~!

I was tempted to go for the Midgets... I mean, after all, we know that Snow White has a fetish for the Vertically-Challenged and everything. However, let's remember that she ends up with Prince Charming. He came along when she was in some serious trouble, dealt with the problem, and saved the day. Her short fetish notwithstanding, Snow goes for the Hero Type. Most fitting that bill on this season's roster is Nemesis of the Death Star, German thieves and other assorted evil-doers, John McClane.

- Adam B.

As tawdry as it may turn out, I'm voting for the midgets. Not only will this help Disney in its quest to avoid originality by making sequels of everything they've done to date, it should be a match of truly heavenly quality. I mean, can you imagine a more stellar name than "Snow White Dwarf?"

- Joel the Gosarian

Wow what a bunch of studs. I'm stunned Urkel(TM)'s not in there. Let's break it down stientifically contestant by contestant. BART'S jailbait so he's out unless this is being made in Alabama (or Canada).
CHEWBACCA has serious personal hygiene issues(yeah I'm talking fleas and ticks). Plus everyone knows he's Han's bitch. Those long 'spice' smuggling runs get awful lonely.
I'm actually stunned JOHN McCLANE turned up.We all remember what happened the last time he went on a Blind Date(TM?). His own wife wants nothing to do with him and he's two, sorry one, step away from being a full-blown alcoholic. An wino/pyro what a catch.
REAPER charming and plays a mean game of chess.So does Deep Blue(TM) NEXT.
The whole BORG thing. Unless Snowie wants to be assimilated I guess he's fine. But think, what if she gets lucky aside from the fact he'll be quite mechanical she'll be sharing the 'intimate' experience with the entire Borg collective.
MIDGETS? Are we talking gangbanging here? Did I just walk into a Tod Browning film or worse a John Waters one.
TAZ has a sense of humour? NO he just eats everything and slobbers all over the rug. I know Snow White, I watched Snow white, I enjoyed Snow White and she ain't into beastiality.

Which leaves us with MONTY BURNS. Two things going for him here, first he's loaded and chicks love money (maybe that's my problem. Second he's old. He's come close to cacking it repeated times on The Simpsons(TM). Snow White should pull an Anna-Nicole and marry the senile old coot.

- Love is in the air, wait that's sulphur....

Whilst the sentimental favorites may be the 7 little people, and while my own heart cries for the burgeoning romance to be with Chewie, my vote is not for the sake of the Bachelorette but the Bachelor.

John Maclean: The man who took out highly prepared German terrorists, TWO elite army units (aboard a now smouldering 747), an army of gold theives and half of New York City and (drumroll please)...THE DEATH STAR.

After all his troubles, what does he come home to? If it's not a frigid wife who likes to treat him as a doormat after saving her life twice, then it's an empty NYC apartment where his only solace comes from a bottle of Southern Comfort. To quote from past grudge matches, the man must have the RAGE(tm) up the wazoo. DOESN'T HE DESERVE A LITTLE HAPPINESS?!?!

Go on Snow White - be the sunshine in his life.

- Lindz

C.M. Burns has a clear advantage here, in that none of the others has a steady sidekick. To be sure, one can do better in the sidekick department than a Smithers: an annoying skinny nerd sidekick is more powerful than a toady sidekick, a child sidekick is more powerful than a nerd sidekick, and most powerful of all is a cute robot sidekick. (Robot sidekicks who look like Brent Spiner are, as we have seen, less effective.)

The only contestant with access to a cute robot sidekick is Chewbacca. Unfortunately, Chewbacca is a sidekick, so he has a hard time using the robot as a sidekick. So, does anyone have a child sidekick? John McClane has one around often enough that he stands a real fighting chance against Monty Burns -- once he was even his own child sidekick. Especially if said child sidekick is able to invoke the supernatural.

Indestructible action hero vs. even more indestructible cartoon... the carnage will be immense. But since the maiden for whom they are striving is herself a toon, I think ol' Monty is going to be the one who ends up showing off the Snow White nude polaroids to his poker buddies.

- KP (and by the way, Kobeyashi is no proper sidekick, he is only a hireling)

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall; don't they know I like chicks, after all" -Snow Whie

- -spent years living with 7 waist high men and still pure as snow.. come on now...

Definitely Grim Reaper. Little Snowie flirted with Death how many times in the original story? To the best of my knowledge, she died three times, or nearly, but was then ripped away from her beloved Reaper due to the good intentions of others. Seriously folks, she may have been seven, but even seven-year-olds usually know enough to not let a person into the house if they are told so; even the duller crayons wouldn't let a person in the house if they had been nearly dead twice. So, that leaves only one explanation; she WANTED to die so that she could finally hook up with her boyfriend WITHOUT being pulled out half-way through the date.

- Bitter Psycho Girl

Retro Grudge match design for this match, I notice. It took me an awfully long time to recognize it, because it's so old.

Who else is old? Oh, yeah, Monty Burns. He's so old, he probably has a copy of the 'Ye Olde Grudgeth Match' site on his CRAY mainframe in the basement of some English castle somewhere. And, in case you're wondering, his was the deciding vote in the match 'Lady of the Lake vs. Sabrina the Teenaged Witch' back in 1671.

Top that off with the fact that he's a billionare and could probably pay off the other candidates to forfeit their own chance at sleaze-TV stardom, -and- that he's been observed to seemingly come back from the dead on numerous occasions...well, I think we can see which way this should go.

Of course, Chewbacca's going to win in the end. Big fat hairy deal.

- Benjamin Massey


As my grandmother always said: "Once you've had little men, you never go back again."

- Answer Man

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

WWWF Tournament Of Champions V: Survivor!
WWWF Tournament Of Champions I: Escape from the Death Star
WWWF Tournament Of Champions VI: The Running Men

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Next Match: The past meets the future
ETA: Monday, February 17th, 2003

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