World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

The crowd at the Hungry Heifer (tm) is exceptionally rowdy this evening. One might think it's the two-for-one drink specials. One might think it's a result of the Frederick's of Hollywood (tm) Models Conference just letting out. But one would be wrong. It's the floor show.

Situated against the far wall, between the player piano and the fake, plastic dart boards, is an amazing display. Two separate tables each with tremendous and identical helpings of food: one roasted pig (small); two roasted chickens; 15 BBQ beef ribs; 3 Maine lobsters; 10 mashed potatoes; 10 ears of corn; 1 loaf of bread; a 1 pound Caesar's salad; 2 apple pies; one gallon of Breyer's (tm) All-Natural Vanilla Ice Cream (tm); 1 roll of Mentos, the Freshmaker (tm). And in addition to this food is one quarter keg of Samuel Adams Honey Brown Lager. The contest: which contestest can finish off the food AND the beer first.

At one table sits a man that must be harnessed so that he does not begin eating the food early. This is the same man that almost put the Frying Dutchman out of business with his tremendous appetite. The man that eats shrimp by the steam tray full. This man also loves beer, but can he handle a whole quarter keg?...

At the other table sits a man that must be harnessed so that he does not begin drinking the beer early. This is the same man that ran a bar tab larger than the GNP of several third world countries. The man that drinks beer by the pitcher full. This man also has a hearty appetite, known to order the Feeding Frenzy For Two for himself, but can he handle this much food?...

The contest begins when the harnesses are released. Whomever finishes first wins, with the winner getting to take home whatever the loser has left over. Groundskeeper Willy and "Tiny" the bouncer are present to make sure that the contestants stick to their own tables.

Homer Simpson, The Simpsons Norm Peterson, Cheers




The Commentary

STEVE: Come on! Is there really any contest here? Homer will easily defeat the likes of a rank amateur such as Norm. Let's examine their previous bouts and see which is better.

Norm's only eating abilities come into play at the Hungry Heifer, where, as previously mentioned. he usually gets the Feeding Frenzy for Two (tm). This is a meal for two supposedly hungry people. Impressive, but not overwhelming. His beer drinking prowess is not what you make it out to be. Sure, he drinks beer after beer, but he does it slowly, over the course of an entire evening. He is the equivalent of the distance runner with endurance. Unfortunately for him, sprinter abilities are required for this match. Alas, his vast bar tab exists only because he hasn't paid in years, not because of how much he drinks.

Homer's eating skills are the best in the world, with Mr. Creosote (the fat guy from Monty Python's Meaning of Life) coming in a close second. Who else could eat the Frying Dutchman into submission? Who else could eat everything on the menu at the Japanese restaurant? Who else could inspire so much fear at the Springfield Chili Festival? And of course, no one polishes off a box of donuts like Homer. And his drinking is pretty impressive too, second only to Bob MacKenzie, eh? Starting off at a tender young age, he has honed his drinking abilities. With Barney as his mentor, he has learned all the finer points of drinking. And let's not forget his trip to the Duff Brewery -- he can drink quite a bit! All in all, Homer is a far superior eater and drinker to Norm. Homer will be wiping off his mouth, while Norm struggles on the potatoes.

BRIAN: Have you by any chance recently participated in one of these competitions, Steve? You must have, because the only way I can rationalize your insane analysis is due to some sort of glucose/alcohol induced dementia. First of all, while I must admit that Homer could eat more, Norm will be able to finish off the food requirement. Yes, he does order the Feeding Frenzy for Two. But can we assume that that is all he can eat? For all we know that's just a light snack. Perhaps an appetizer. All we know is that that is the minimum he can eat. Given enough motivation, he could eat much more quite easily. Especially since he will have so much time to finish.

How will he have so much time? Beer. While Norm is weaker in the food category, Homer is far weaker in the beer department. Despite your suggestions, Norm can slam down the beers. We've seen him finish whole beers in less than 2 seconds on several occasions. The one time he tried to hold himself to one beer, he held out for about 10 minutes then ordered a pitcher. But the real key: he never gets drunk. He'll sit on that stool all day, drinking beer by the gallon, and never get drunk. Homer, however, is another story. Again, despite your suggestions, he can't hold his liquor. Remember when he "taught" Bart about the Birds & the Bees(tm)? Six beers and he's a blathering idiot (more so). Remember that party they threw? A little drink or two and the doctor's advising Marge to turn Homer on his side.

Look at it this way: each contestant will finish one part of the contest easily, but will struggle with the other. When Norm struggles with the food, he'll just pause, let the food settle and then continue. But when Homer struggles with the beer, he'll pause, pass out, and wake up twelve hours later with a stomach full of activated carbon. Norm wins an extra hour's worth of free beer.

STEVE: At best Norm can hope to keep up with Homer on the drinking end of things. To even suggest that "Homer is far weaker in the beer department" is pure heresy. Sure, Norm can drink a substantial amount, but he is, after all, human. Homer is not limited to such physical encumbrances.

However, Norm will lose for another reason. Norm has too many distractions working against him. First of all, Norm can't drink beer when he's not sitting at his favorite corner stool. Have you ever seen him drink when he's not sitting there? It may be physically impossible.

Second, Norm is not used to such competition. He easily dominates eating and drinking with the crowd he hangs out with at Cheers. When he first beholds Homer "'Tis a Remorseless Eating Machine" Simpson, he will be utterly amazed, and will lose the Eye of the Tiger (tm). The wind will be swept from his sails. And, of course, just as Norm is sitting down to eat, Diane will walk up to him and somehow convince him that this event is juvenile and not worth his time. Norm throws in the towel before it begins, and Homer wins by default.

Homer has repeatedly shown himself immune to any distractions whatsoever. His trademark slogan "Can't talk -- eating" demonstrates this with amazing clarity. His continual daydreams about dancing doughnuts show he is single-minded of purpose. He's even immune to demonic voices taking over his mind: "Can't murder family -- eating." Homer will be rock-solid, unwavering like a freight train coming down the tracks in his determination to win this event. Homer will finish in 5 minutes, and will then help Norm finish off his appetizers since he's still hungry.

BRIAN: Oh, so now Norm sits on a magic stool, is that it? He gets his drinking powers from sitting on a certain piece of furniture? Now you've clearly lost all touch with reality, Steve. Sure, Norm loves his stool, but he doesn't rely on it like it's some mythical Sword and Magic Helmet (tm). We've seen Norm drink in plenty of other places: at Cliff's when he's painting, at ball games, and, yes, at the Hungry Heifer. Norm feels at home here, and that will be to his advantage.

And I scoff at your assertion that Norm is "human". Sure, George Wendt (tm) is human, but Norm is a TV character. Thus, he can do virtually anything the writers tell him to do. True, he won't have quite the range as Homer the cartoon, but for this competition Norm won't need to survive two consecutive falls down the Springfield Gorge. He just needs to drink a heck of a lot of beer and eat a heck of a lot of food. These are things he has an established history in, so the writers will easily make it so that he devours all that he sees. Homer, however, also has an established history: he can't drink more than a six pack without losing control of several motor functions. And the Simpsons writers, as we all know, are far too consistent from week to week to ever change that. Poor Homer will be "kissing the sky" before he's halfway through the keg.

And as far as female influence, Diane is a complete non-factor. Carla would have long since shoved "bleach-bag" to the rear in order to cheer Norm on, and possibly even help him cheat. If any women are going to interfere with this contest, it will be Marge and Lisa. Far too concerned about Homer's health, they drag him to the ER when he passes out 30 minutes into the contest. Norm, unsatisfied with this conquest, then moves on to single-handedly outdrink all of the employees at Gary's Old Town Tavern (tm).

For Cheers links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Homer (1672)

eats up

Norm (428)

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Voter Comments


Homer takes an early, large, and apparently insurmountable lead with the food. The natural advantages of being an animated character make him impervious to the physical or medical effects of intense overeating. Remember, this is the man who was force-fed All The Donuts In The World by Satan's minions without cracking, emotionally or anatomically.

He polishes off dessert while Norm is felled by an ice-cream headache, then lies under the keg and cranks the spigot. It looks like an easy coast to the finish line, when a tiny *pop* goes off in Homer's brain.

The infusion of alcohol has killed off one of his seven remaining brain cells. This casualty was the cell that told Homer how to swallow. Three busty lifeguards from "Baywatch" have to pull him out before he drowns in the suds.

With most of Homer's beer spilled on the floor, the victory goes to Norm by forfeit. Norm takes a leisurely hour to finish the rest of the meal, and walks to the parking lot surrounded by well-wishers -- just in time.

Homer snaps out of it, pats his stomach, and belches. The blast disintegrates the Hungry Heifer, killing everybody left inside. Norm witnesses the destruction from a safe distance, and begins to weep ... then decides to head to Cheers for a nightcap and some beer nuts.

- Call me Shane

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Homer and Norm start eating like there's no doggie bag. All of a sudden, a voice chimes in.

Cliff:  Hey, Normie, it's a little-known fact that BBQ ribs were 
     invented by a mail carrier.
Norm:  (grunt)
Cliff:  It's also a little-known fact that lobsters aren't native to
    the waters near Maine.  They were actually brought over from
    central Iowa as part of the "New Deal."
Norm:  Cliffy, can it wait?  I'm eating here.
Cliff:  Normie, it's a little-known fact that mashed potatoes are 
     less nutritious than french fries.  It seems that when the milk 
     and air mix with the potato, they chemically combine to form a
     mild poison.
Norm:  Cliff, who cares?
Cliff:  It's also a little-known fact that they weren't originally 
     called "ears" of corn.  They were first called toes of corn, but
     Podiatrists complained that people might start eating their own
     feet, so they changed the name.
Norm:  Cliffy, shut up!
Cliff: Normie, it's a little-known fact that loaf of bread is a 
       misnomer.  The last thing that could be said about baked goods
       is that they are loafing.  Those are active little pastries!
With that, Norm gets up and punches Cliff. Homer, having learned to ignore Marge, is not distracted by the bar trivia and finishes his food before Cliff hits the floor.

Judge: Congratulations, Homer, you are the winner. Betcha feel like you're going to explode, huh?

Homer hadn't waited for the official ruling and was already snarfing food from Norm's table. He, however, was polite enough to respond to the judge's question.

Homer: Can't talk. Eating.

- Mark Wentz

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Homer eats. He starts with everything on the table and works his way through the tablecloth ("Mmmm, cottony sooft") the table ("Mmmm, oak") and is stopped only by the floor ("EWW, floor! Am I supposed to eat that?!"). The beer perished along with everything else on the table, edible or non. A small dog has to be rescued from certain death when it nearly strays within Homer's reach.

Meanwhile Norm has finished the beer and is disqualified for trying to move his food closer to Homer.

- phorce phed

I have to go with Norm on this one. Although Homer has the distinct advantage in the fact that he is a cartoon, Norm has a number of advantages working for him:

1. His friends Sam and Cliff (who will inevitably screw up, thus Cliff may not be in on this one) who can help rig the match. They may well have offered Homer a free meal on the way to the match. Homer, the dim-wit, will undoubtedly accept and come to the match full. What looks like stark hunger may well be his 'I've over-eaten' half catatonia.

2. Norm is a real person and Homer is a cartoon. Thus, Norm and his friends can generally beat up, injure, crush Homer a la Roger Rabbit and get away with it on network TV, as long as it's in a funny way. Homer is a true toon in that he can skate board off the Grand Canyon (tm) and survive.

3. If there is any substantial prize involved, Homer must lose. Homer has never won anything useful. It may look like he'll win for awhile, but he'll screw up. Of course, his family will love him anyway and he will for a brief moment remember what's important in life.

4. This is not real meat. It's the Hungry Heffer -- that means loobster(tm) and fake steak. Homer's not used to it, he eats real food, whereas Norm thrives on it.

- Don McClure

Homer shall win - but it WILL be close.

The eating contest begins with each contestant following his advantage - Homer is shoveling food into his mouth like water over Niagara Falls, while Norm is holding the keg over his head, while beer pours down his gullet like, well, like water over Niagara falls. Homer's toon metabolism and enormous holding capacity seem to be winning the contest, as half the food disappears in two minutes time. But suddenly the bar's phone rings - Moe answers it, mumbles a bit, and walks over to Norm, anouncing "Phil Dupp? Are you Phil Dupp?" Norm's superior concentration and love for beer allows him to ignore this obvious prank call, but Homer is rocked with laughter, giving Norm time to drain the keg and begin on his food.

Well, it looks bad for Homer, who is way ahead on the food, but hasn't even touched his beer - and he knows he can't hold his beer that well... He finishes the last of his food as Norm consumes his roast pig. Homer takes a sip of beer, and begins to break down, ready to acknowledge defeat. Suddenly, a voice in his head - no, from across the room! - mutters - "Homer, I've got a thousand dollars riding on you - lose and you're fired!" It is, of course, Mr. Burns, who learned of the contest through his various connections. Even worse, he's got Norm's never-before-seen wife tied up and gagged next to him. Norm is torn between love and sustenance, distracting him, while Homer gets his second wind out of necessity, downing the beer and immediately passing out. The story ends happily enough, though - Norm's wife is released (Mr. Burns got what he wanted, after all, and is above lawsuits), Homer gets a HUGE doggie bag, but Norm manages to sneak out some ribs from the pile for a midnight snack, also getting a free beer from Moe in appreciation of the business drummed up (although Moe is still wondering about the little punk who keeps prank-calling him...)

- The Bunyip

the crowd is silent. the contest is about to begin. norm has an anxious look of determination on his face, but homer remains strangely relaxed, leaning back in his chair. the announcer bolts out, "ON YOUR MARKS...GET SET...--" he stops short. homer is pulling something out of a small brown sack he had concealed in his pocket. as he pulls it out, it becomes evident that it is "THE SPOON". some one mutters from the audience, "they say he carved it himself...from a bigger spoon." norm's apparent determination turns to a petrified look of absolute horror. he gets up hastely, almost tripping over himself, never taking his eyes off the spoon, and runs out of the room screaming. homer, as we all knew would happen, wins by default. Homer begins yelling, "WOOHOO!! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! THE TWO SWEETEST WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!!!!" and so our story ends, with the worthier glutton the champion.

- ken-ichi ueda

The deciding factor in this match will be the one-pound caesar salad. That is a lot of roughage for these guys to handle. I suspect that Norm will be able to handle this, but Homer will have some serious problems. The salad will work on the doughnut cement that has built up in Homer's digestive system over the years. I predict that Homer will be running for the restroom before the second chicken. Norm will win, and he will celebrate by consuming both quarter kegs.

- Slepyhed

Homer has this baby locked up. I know, I know- we could all go for the easy "he's a cartoonish character and therefore not subject to the laws of physics" thing. We could complain that his sheer preponderance of true un-reality is the cause for his victory. But let's not sell Homey short.

Let us not forget; this is a man who has tangled with the very depths of Hell(tm) itself. A man who, by his sheer force of will, gobbled donuts from the ninth ring to the first, daring Mephisto himself to call his bloated bluff. Homer has seen the darkest side of compulsive gluttony, AND HAS YET RISEN AGAIN LIKE A CHOCOLATEY-ICED PHOENIX FROM THE SPRINKLY ASHES OF HADES' INFERNAL CONFECTIONARY FLAME!!!

Norm's a pudgy funny guy who cracks one liners. He could never withstand the fires of Hell(tm), those very pentecostal flames which brought forth the legendary masticulatory prowess of Homer J. Simpson. Like my Grandma always said: "When two fat guys go wrasslin', always bet on the guy who can go to hell and back to whupp some ass."

Homer in the third by 5400 calories.

- Tengu:<>

To start with, Homer has one thing going for him..."Arrr, he's a remorseless eating machine." Norm, on the other hand, has the ability to consume beer at a level matched only by Barney Gumble. I predict that Homer will get off to an early lead by eating ("Can't talk, eating.") everything in front of him. Norm, on the other hand, will be distracted by Cliff blathering on about how pyramids were Egyptian mail drop boxes and fall behind in the food-consumption stage of the titanic battle. However, Homer's known weakness in holding his alcohol will give Norm the opportunity to even the match. As the timer winds down, both will be faced with the horror of Mentos(tm).

At this critical juncture, Monty Burns will pull up in front of the Hungry Hefer(tm) with Smithers, his sycophant(tm) in tow. Homer and Norm will find themselves blocked from crossing the street by Burns' limo, and will consume the Mentos and attempt to cross by climbing through the limo. Burns, in a fit of rage, will order Smithers to release the robotic Richard Simmons(tm), who will, in turn, force both Norm and Homer to Sweat To The Oldies(tm) until both keel over with massive coronaries. Homer will outlive Norm by critical seconds, but will be unable to consume the final Mentos(tm) necessary to win the match.

The robotic Richard Simmons wins, as the patrons of the Hungry Hefer(tm) laugh at the senseless loss of life in a Mentos(tm) induced state of euphoria.

- Derek

... with no further ado, let me introduce Professor John Frink. *applause*

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen of the Springfield Academy of Science. My experiment that I will present today will prove how subconscious motivations can quickly turn a normal everyday homo sapien into a caveman like Nethanderal even in the simplest of tasks. The subject is Homer Simpson, an ordinary suburbanite whose IQ is so low, his only useful skills are, in layman's terms, eating and drinking. In this experiment, we place this subject in an advantageous environment, in this case an eating and drinking contest with a clearly inferior opponent.

As you can see from these slides, Homer jumps out to an early lead conmsuming large quantities of food in a matter of minutes. His opponent "Norm" shortly thereafter finishes an equally large quantity of alcohol. However, with his main motivation of ingesting liberal amounts of free alcoholic beverages gone, "Norm" only leisurely digests his food. As for Mr. Simpson, he need only, if you will, "chug-a-lug"" his alcohol to win the contest. But as you will hear from the recently patented Frink Brain-O-Reader, his thought patterns are anything but logical:

HOMER: Uh oh! What do I do now? Brain? BRAIN?!
BRAIN: *yawn* What year is this? 1988?
HOMER: Who cares! I need help... I forgot what I was supposed to do... they're going to laugh at me...
BRAIN: Let's see, alcohol kills brain cells... need a plan... AHA... why don't you just keep doing what you were doing?
HOMER: This could be a trick... What was I doing?
BRAIN: Eating free food...

Then as you can see in the next slide, Homer, with THX Bionic sound effects, quickly accelerates past the designated bouncers and assaults the other buffet, devouring everything including the placemats in approximately 5.73 seconds. Unsatisfied by this meal, the animal, er, subject searches for new sources of nourishment - here, digesting the sponsors' mascots Mr. Peanut and Mr. Butterworth; here, devouring his fourth turkey in the frozen food aisle of a local supermarket; and finally here, attempting to swallow the Oscar Meyer Weiner truck out in the parking lot where he is sedated by animal control officers. Later on, Mr. Simpson would be mistaken for a rare Mountain Gorilla, tagged and released into the wilds of Zaire. This entire episode, er, incident climaxes in an one-hour Simpson cliffhanger in which the Simpson clan goes on safari to reclaim their lost member with the help of Sigourney Weaver and special guest voices James Earl Jones and Marlon Brando. Meanwhile, "Norm" is declared the winner and celebrates by consuming Homer's quarter keg and breaking the world record for B.A.C. in a surviving human being.

Now as a control group, I used these two specially bred super-mice in this cage... oh my, where did they go... WAIT, STAY AWAY FROM THAT BUTTON... -*BOOM*-

- Paul Golba

Hello? Remember Hell's ironic punishment division? Homer ate every donut in the world and was ready for more. Also, when told that after AA he would never drink again, Homer screamed and jumped out the window. If he finishes off the quarter keg fast enough, who cares if he passes out or not. Norm doesn't stand a chance.

- Dental

If anyone still doubts Homer's abilities, just refer to the episode of the Simpson's where Homer was pronounce "dangerously underweight" by the renowned Dr. Nick Riveria. "When you make a sandwhich, don't use bread, use pop-tarts!" Anyone who would push gluttony to a new level to escape work will crush Norm in the competition, and then likely crush him as he tries to walk (strike that, roll) out of the Hungry Hepher.

- RevKurt

Norm is clearly the better and more sophisticated drinker. Homer pretty much sticks to Duff(TM) except when he goes slumming and dips into the Fud(TM). I find it hard to believe that the upscale Cheers(TM) bar would stoop to such swill, so I think Norm has the edge when it comes to Sam Adams(TM)' brews, their insipid advertising notwithstanding. Homer's uneducated palate would be a shortcoming.

However, I'm going to have to invoke Cartoon Physics(TM) here and declare victory for Homer. When Homer spent the day in Hell--Ironic Punishments Division(TM), he was forcefed millions of dougnuts and seemed quite happy about it. I just don't think the banquet spread would slow him down at all. He'd just Hoover(TM) up the food, lie down under the keg, and open both his mouth and the tap, as he learned from Barney. He may pass out like this, but his ingestion instincts will serve him well, even unconscious, as the Homer Kong(TM) episode proved when he ate Smithers while tranquilized.

Norm is a worthy opponent, but he is not an infinitely expandable cartoon being. This is simply not a level playing field.


Homer has this one in the bag. Norm may be able to finish the beer faster than Homer (even with his drinking advisor Barney 'Oops ... my heart stopped ... Oh, there it goes' Gumble) but he is only human. As I see it Homer takes the lead around the lobsters and Norm is airlifted to a hospital after his third slice of apple pie. Homer, however, is still hungery after eating all of his food and Norm's leftovers. He runs out of the contest and is reported to be on the Springfield docks with a fishing pole...

- JESter

Although your commentary is delightfully spontaneous, you are all overlooking the fact that Homer, being a cartoon, is not real. Therefore he can freely synthesize any excess food into replacement brain cell ballast and can be happily on his way guzzling beer into what is not really a stomach long after Norm has resorted to looking about desparately for a Roman-style vomitorium. Remember the time Homer went to hell for a night and ate all the donuts in the world? Where did all that donut-mass go? My point exactly!

- Jason

When it comes time for the end, each contestant will sit there unmoving. As if each were being punished by some larger force. This force is known as a salad. I don't think either of these guys has ever seen a salad before. Homer will recognize it as green, and hence some sort of vegie, refusing to eat it. Norm will take one bite and ignore the rest, prefering to go back and drink his beer. And when the beer is gone so is his desire to finish.

- Mark

While it is entirely possible that Norm could distract Homer with a shiny object or something, I gotta bet on the man from Springfield. He had Marge raid a candy show for all it was worth. He ate 64 slices of American Cheese -- in one looooooooong sitting. If Homer eats and drinks, he should be okay, since food helps "soak up" alchohol. Let's face it: Homer eats anything. Homer in about 2 & 1/2 weeks (time was delayed due to some prank calls made to the bartender by an unknown caller).

- Noel Schornhorst

Ok, Norm may be able to down a beer in 2 seconds, but we've also seen Homer pull that trick off. Plus, Homer's drunkeness seems to be a periodic thing...after his trip to the Duff factory, he passed every sobriety test except the breathalyzer--and with flying colors! So it would seem that Homer only gets drunk when it's not important. But it's very important to him to win this contest, so he's not going to get drunk! He'll be able to match Norm drink for drink, and the food will tip the balance in Homer's favor. Norm's a pretty big guy, but the only beings capable of out-eating Homer are Godzilla and Wakko Warner. Norm's clearly not in their league, and Homer'll be asking for seconds when Norm's struggling to get the package of Mentos in his belly in the desperate hope that it'll have an Alka-Seltzer-like effect.

- M. Lewis

Norm wins in a cakewalk (tm)! Not only is Norm the superior drinker, but he is not limited to the laziness of overpaid and underworked animators who insist on re-using scene after scene in an effort to fill a weekly 30 minute sitcom (minus commercials).

Norm will polish off the beer in a matter of seconds and will begin attacking the food. While Norm slowly and steadily eats all the food in front of him, Homer will be stuck eating the never-ending BBQ beef rib (tm). After Norm is declared the winner, he sends a thank you note to Matt Groening that reads:

Thanks for the free beer and food, you lazy, under-achieving, hack cartoonist. Norm P.

- HotBranch!

Homer is a cartoon character. Homer's eating and drinking abilities are a plot device.

Norm is a human. Norm's eating and drinking abilities are limited by biology.

So if we just make it funny for Homer to win, say ... by making the first-prize a year's supply of Gummy Venus-d'Milo's, Homer wins with ease (and immediately explodes upon eating one gummy of the prize)

- Hawke

One factor was neglected in the discussion of this Grudge(tm): the Loser Factor. It is well known and has been shown in several previous Grudges(tm) that the Simpsons are total losers, incapable of winning anything. This would seem to give the match to Norm. However, this ignores Norm's connection to a something that makes the Simpsons look like Rocky: the Red Sox. Sam Malone was a former Red Sox pitcher, and as a Red Sox fan I can assure you that the losing power of the Red Sox taints anything that touches it. Thus Norm cannot win, because the loser power of the Red Sox will force him to blow this Grudge(tm). Maybe he'll choke on his final mashed potato, or maybe Vera will come and drag him away as he's finishing his gallon of ice cream, or maybe this will be the keg that breaks his liver, but somehow Norm will lose.

- Paul

Homer. Deciding factor? Everything else looking pretty much equal ... spouses (spousi?). Vera will have Norm paged and sent home within 2 minutes of the dinner bell. Marge (devoted and supporting to a fault) will simply stand by and make that unspella ble disgruntled 'Marge-Noise.'

- Beej

We have a food specialist (Homer) versus a beer specialist (Norm). In many ways, this match hearkens (hark! hark!) back to the match up of Forrest Gump and Dustin Hoffman as Rainman, where each had to compete outside of their field of expertise.

But when we scrutinize the current match-up, we notice a gaping discrepancy: Homer loves beer, so much so that he marks one of the best days of his life an opportunity to prance naked under a shower of the stuff. This and his bottomless gut (remeber his stage name? Bottomless Pete), combined with the fact that he is a cartoon (thus not subject to the laws of science) should lead him to an easy victory. Perhaps if the food present was 100% beer nuts, Norm would have a chance, but it looks pretty bad for him. Homer will be licking his plate clean and nibbling at Norm's plate before Norm can even crack one of his famous one-liners.

- Paco Picopiedra

"Someone put me out of my misery!" Norm was heard to scream as he rolled around like a beached whale, looking not unlike Augustus Gloop crossed with the "Gluttony" victim from the movie "Se7en" Yet, Homer continues to eat. Indeed, WWWF Grudge Match's own Steve and Brian, put us out of our misery. Anyone versus a Simpsons character has no chance. Placing Homer in the ring with Norm is like pitting the Predator against Piglet from A.A.Milne's "Winnie the Pooh"! Homer will obviously hurt and maim his opponent just from the visual shock of witness Homer J.'s bottomless pit-ness. Norm will join the other brave opponents such as Calvin (having been trounced soundly by Bart), and Ross Perot (mangled by Burns). I acknowledge Homer's win here; I vote for Norm in protest.

- Colin

Face facts here. When the Simpson's end there ain't gonna be no spin-off for Homer. Norm will always have CBS.

- TJ Calmeyn

First of all, need I remind you of at least three photographs of Homer going absolutely bananas over giant food as Marge, horrified, looked on? I think not, but in case you've forgotten:

1. Homer diving face-first into a sandwich(?). Marge gasping.
2. Homer and the world's largest submarine sandwich. Marge worried.
3. Homer posing next to the world's largest donut on vacation. Marge mortified.

Who else but Homer could finish that moldy green sandwich? Homer J. Simpson. Who else but Homer would refuse to let go of a vending-machine snack item at the cost of his arm? Or wear a nacho hat to attend a football game with Ned Flanders? Or order pork chops in the middle of the night?

As for his drinking ability, Homer has been greatly underestimated by the both of you. Who else could abandon his daughter in her hour of need to drink one beer? Or introduce Moe's barflies as his "family" to his future son-in-law, Hugh Grant? And let us not forget his lifelong dream to ride the Duff Brewery blimp which he so nobly abandoned to bankroll Lisa's beauty pageant.

Homer's love for beer marked by his catch phrase "" is the cornerstone of my drinking career. When I cry over one, I always remember Homer's dictum: "Good old trustworthy beer--my love for YOU will never die."

- Andy Ho "Secret Asian Man" (or not so secret)

As far as we know about any human, norm included, his stomach can only handle so much, and the amount of beer would render him braindead. Homer, however, well...has a "gastronomic capacity that knows no satiety". NO SATIETY.

- Ted Kreutz

The 1997 ESPY award for Greatest Upset in a Sporting Competition goes to ......Norm! from Cheers(TM). Facing odds of 30-1 in Vegas Norm conquered one of the greatest eaters of all time.

Norm: "Thank you, {gasp}, Thank you {gasp} Let me.... breath, {long pause}. I would just like to thank my friends who made it possible for me to CRUSH(TM) Homer like a bug. Cliff Clavin for his hundreds of little known facts on eating and the physics of Mentos, for example mixing Mentos and mash potatoes has a thinning effect on the potatoes for better eatability(TM). Sam passed on his secret to having many diners with different women in one night. Dr. Fraiser Craine for devising a winning game plan of Positive Rewards(TM) - Just Eat the food to get to the BEER. Dr. Lilith Craine for helping me develop the mental toughness to block out extreme physical discomfort and focus on eating. I can't forget Carla who helped me train by shoving pasta down my throat long after I throught I was going to puke. And of course Woody for helping me hold on to my impossible dream, Thank you all. I would like take this time to announce the Rematch - 'NORM/HOMER REGURGITATED', has been scheduled for July 16. $29.95 on PayPerView(TM) with a money back guarantee that no one will Blow Chunks(TM) in the first round.

- Gladi8r

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Cliff Clavin v. Newman
Other Simpsons based Grudge Matches
Forrest Gump v. Rainman

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