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What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

Scrolling on the screen crawl on CNN:
France decides to send a special forces unit to Afghanistan to find and apprehend Osama bin Laden.

Message received at Paris Headquarters:
I, Jacques Clouseau, do accept this dangerous, yet important, assignment as a patriotic gesture to my country!

Scrolling on the screen crawl on CNN:
England has also sent a special forces unit to Afghanistan to find and apprehend Osama bin Laden.

Message received at London Headquarters:
Yeah, baby! I accept. I'll get this bin Laden chap! It'll be groovy! It'll be shagadelic. Does my special forces unit make you randy?

So, Steve, which spy will succeed in stealthily succumbing Satan's servant?

Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery
Austin Powers


Inspector Clouseau
Inspector Jacques Clouseau, The Pink Panther

The Commentary

STEVE: Although Austin Powers is quite a formidable opponent, in this case he's completely out of his element. Inspecteur Clouseau will track down and capture bin Laden in record time, while Powers will probably never be heard from again.

First of all there is the disguise factor. All Austin Powers knows is his 60's purple velvet outfit with ruffled cuffs, carefully set off by a pair of Coke-bottle glasses. Trying to imagine him blending in among the people of Afghanistan is actually quite humorous. I can see the puzzled glances and confused looks on the faces of the natives as Austin strolls down the street. That is until the amassing crowd behind him (to which he is oblivious) beheads the foreign infidel. On the other hand, Jacques Clouseau, aka Peter Sellers, is a master of disguise (did you ever see The Party? He plays an Indian!). And the French, with their historical contact with Algeria, know all about Islamic countries. Clouseau will blend in, only attracting attention to himself during his occasional clumsy blunder, such as tripping over a tent stake or nonchalantly leaning on an old building and having it collapse.

Second, there is the Idiot Protection Clause (tm) to which Clouseau is entitled. Austin Powers, a man of normal intelligence, is successful only due to the blatant shortsightedness of his opponent, Dr. Evil. Clouseau however, routinely defeats truly intelligent enemies through the IPC(tm). This states that any sufficiently clueless person is immune from harm, no matter how deadly or assured. They'll bend down for a moment to tie a shoe and miss being shot, and waiters carrying trays of wine glasses will appear from nowhere and foil the attempts of evildoers. Anvils may even drop from the sky in order to protect the idiot. Mr. Magoo has this power. Droopy has it. Frank Drebin has it. And Inspecteur Clouseau has it. He will bumble his way into Afghanistan, and without even knowing how, he will somehow return with bin Laden in custody.

MARK: Wow! I never considered Coke-bottle glasses a symbol of Western Capitalist Tyranny (TM). My bad.

If Jacques Clouseau, aka Peters Sellers, can disguise himself as an Indian, Austin Powers can disguise himself as Osama bin Laden. Austin Powers, aka Mike Myers, was both Dr. Evil AND Fat Bastard. It stands to reason that if he can pass himself off as Dr. Evil AND Fat Bastard, he can pass himself off as an evil bastard. As bin Laden, Powers can have Taliban officers lead him directly to bin Laden's headquarters. (Also, he could have the officers shove worms up their own noses, but that's more of a party gag.) Furthermore, Afghanistan is under strict rules which, among other things, limit modern hygiene habits. Whom will fit in better, the hygiene-challenged Austin Powers or Jacques Clouseau, who both showers and brushes his teeth? Austin Powers, I believe. By the way, Powers would presumably also be able to disguise himself as Dr. Fat, which might be useful.

Clouseau does not -- I repeat, does NOT -- fall under the IPC(TM). Magoo and Drebin are oblivious to the havoc they create, while Clouseau bears the brunt of most of his havoc. Clouseau's the one who trips over the potted plant. Clouseau's the one who accidentally crushes his own violin. Clouseau's the one who burns his own hand. That doesn't sound like he's immune from harm to me. He's merely clumsy. That entitles him to no romanticized clauses.

Let's not forget Austin Powers added incentive for rapid removal of bin Laden. We all know about Afghanistan's restrictions for females. This is something Austin Powers would classify under "Not groovy, baby." He'd topple the Taliban simply to allow women to express themselves in the spirit of the 60s. Yeah, baby!

Austin Powers brings the villain to justice -- and that's groovy!

STEVE: He doesn't fall under the IPC(tm)? Let me ask you this: Have you ever seen him get hurt, no matter how stupid a thing he does? I didn't think so.

The next issue is what is Powers going to do if he happens to find bin Laden. Abrupt displays of chest hair meant to stun opponents aren't going to be too effective to an arab. And "Judo Chop!" may work fine for idiot guards and mindless robots, but I doubt it's very effective against crazed militant Islamics. Powers will be unable to apprehend bin Laden, and will be taken outside and shot. No easily escapable situation. No chance to talk his way out of it. It would be as if Scott were running things instead of Dr. Evil.

Clouseau on the other hand is a seasoned fighter. He trained his live-in housekeeper Kato to attack him at all times, to keep himself honed and ready for action. He is a master of martial arts, and will easily bring back bin Laden, dead or alive.

Finally, Austin cannot win this match because he is afraid of bin Laden. Let me quote:

Basil Exposition: What's the other thing that scares you?
Austin Powers: Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.
As you can see, nomads scare Austin. And of course, anyone watching the news the past few weeks knows that Afghanistan is crawling with them. Even bin Laden is known to frequently move from place to place. Austin will buckle with fear and be wishing for his next deep freeze. Don't worry though, we'll thaw him out for his next movie, Austin Powers: Dr. Yes.

MARK: Have I seen him get hurt? YES! If you'd be so kind as to let me follow that up with a "duh," -- "DUH!" What do you think my point was when I thoroughly dismantled your ridiculously cheesy IPC argument? Um... boss, sir.

Austin Powers even goes up against real villains, yet doesn't get hurt. Clouseau's enemies aren't violent. Heck, they spend most of their time waiting for the right moment to strike. (And, by "strike" I mean they wait for everyone to leave and then sneak in, steal something, and sneak back out.) While they wait for the right moment, they toy with good ol' harmless Inspector Clouseau for a few laughs. Just some jollies until they go rob the rich and give to themselves.

I realize Grudge Match isn't a web site for sensitivity, but there is a difference between nomads and refugees. I'll just leave it at that.

Anyway, you can't have it both ways. You can't say Clouseau is oblivious enough to his surroundings to warrant IPC treatment and then claim he's a master of martial arts. Those two characteristics are mutually exclusive. Meanwhile, Austin Powers is aware of his surroundings and knows how to handle a weapon against armed opponents. He even gets his opponents to tell him their secret plans. Powers saves the planet; Clouseau can't even protect a diamond without ending up in jail. Austin Powers has it all!

And since when does being thrown through kitchen doors and having stacks of dishes falling on you count as training. But I suppose it does in this case because Clouseau will need to be prepared to deal with getting the chiffon beaten out of him.

Clouseau's goose, my friend, is cooked.

Thanks to Vermin Boy (who wanted to plug his band) and Skip Amato for suggesting this match

The Results

Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery

Austin Powers (2611 - 57.3%)

judo chops

Inspector Jacques Clouseau, The Pink Panther

Inspector Clouseau (1949 - 42.7%)

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Voter Comments


And now, please stand for a reading from the Grudge Match Glossary:
"The French suck at everything except cooking"
You may be seated.

Afghanistan is a desert. A desert is an oven. Ovens are used in cooking. This is therefore really a cooking contest. The French are good at cooking.

Clouseau wins.

- The Phantom

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

We've already seen what happens when an army of English Soccer Hooligans face the French Army.

Why would you think it would be different if a single English Soccer Hooligan faces a single French Military Personnel?

- The Kobold Overlord

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Austin Powers will never reach Afghanistan as he'll be too busy working out the details of his next five films: On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix, Moonrakish, Condoms Aren't Forever, Live and Let Diaphragm and "You Only Came Twice?" By the time YOCT is released, the entire cast will consist of Mike Myers in different costumes. However, he'll already have been beaten to this gimmick by Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor Part 6.

- Don "King" Milliken

Isn't it odd that the French guy is more coherent than his opponent?

- Boba Foot

Alright, lets see here... What, A British guy and a French guy!!?? This is just wrong!! Osama defaced the ol' U S of A!! We gotta get an American in this match! Okay, i say we get te roughest, toughest, meanest American to romp on Bin Laden! You know who I'm talking about! Janet Reno! Oh yeah! We all saw how rough she was with that little Cuban boy everyone loved. Imagine just how cruel she will be with a big ugly Afghanistan guy everyone hates! Osama, you'd better pray that you die of some quick, painless disease, because if there is anyone, ANYONE with the RAGE(tm) working for them, it is Janet! Bin Laden, IT...IS...RENO TIIIME!!!!

~we apologize for this outburst. eD has been avoiding his medication for quite some time, however we will do our best to see that he dosen't do this again.

- sPeciAL eD

So Clouseau is immune from harm? Well, what about the first Pink Panther movie? Clouseau's wife, played by chillingly beautiful Ice Queen (tm) Capucine, turned out to be the accomplice and main squeeze of Clouseau's nemesis, the Phantom. At the end, she framed the Inspector for robbery and had him sent to prison so she could run off with her jewel-pilfering true love. Even John Bobbitt didn't suffer so much at the hands of his spouse. True, Austin married someone who turned out to be a fembot, so his taste in wives isn't much better than Clouseau's, but at least he got to destroy his wife in the end, rather than vice-versa.

This brings up another point: In the original Pink Panther, Clouseau lost to David Niven. David Niven! The man who couldn't handle wimpy windbag Laurence Olivier in Wuthering Heights or singing superdork Mario Lanza in The Toast of New Orleans. The man who, Monty Python assures us, owned a talking fridge. If Clouseau can't beat a Grinning English Twit like Niven, he's going to have a tough time beating Austin, who is merely another Grinning English Twit (or GET).

And yet, with all that going against him, Clouseau will, technically, win. At a crucial moment, Clouseau bends down (he MUST bend down, by the immutable rules of the Blake Edwards universe; the excuse this time is that he's dropped his autographed Charles De Gaulle swimsuit photo). Suddenly, a shot rings out! (tm Snoopy) Osama Bin Laden, mortally wounded, tumbles out of the shadows and falls to the ground. Sobbing, Chief Inspector Dreyfus begins to pound himself on the head with the butt of his smoking gun. "I was finally going to kill Clouseau! And instead I've shot some poor defenceless mass murderer! I'll get you, Clouseau! I'll get yoooouuuuu! Francois, come here and help me, I appear to be hemorrhaging."

- Captain Corcoran

We know neither will die, but who will fight off people fast enough to beat the other to bin-Laden? Well, analyze their strategies.

CLOUSEAU: "Kato, I'm not ready." *Kato lets go.* *THWAP!* "Now I'm ready."

AUSTIN: *Strangulation from behind, pulls intruder into stall, then drowns in toilet bowl.* "WHO DOES NUMBER 2 WORK FOR?!?!"

Austin gets to bin-Laden after going through 3 Easily Escapable Traps Leading to Exotic Deaths. Meanwhile, Clouseau is still waiting for some lowly soldier to let go.

- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee

I haven't a clue as to who this Clouseau guy is, nor why he would stand a chance of winning. But I voted for him because this idiot kid at my school started wearing Austin Powers glasses, and I dont want to associate a win with him, because I hate him. Isn't it amazing what hatred can do to a guy?

- Quincyraptor

Where's the "All-captureed-and-tortured-by-Muslim-fundamentalist- terrorits" button?

- Si (Footballius Hooliganius)

This match, gentlemen, is all about underwear. That of the contestants, to be precise, and that stage that comes towards the end of any war in Afghanistan when the Western Imperialists (under which heading we include the Soviets - Moscow is west of Kabul, I believe) are forced, due to the disruption of their supply lines by mountain tribesmen, to use said garments as flags of one sort or another. Clouseau finished 'The Return of the Pink Panther' in his underwear. Powers famously stripped down to his in order to deal with a roomful of Fembots in the first Austin Powers film.
Both wore briefs.
Let's just leave that one alone, shall we?

Clouseau's were plain white. Austin's, on the other hand, bore the image of the Union Jack (undoubtedly identical to the underwear worn by tens of thousands of English Soccer Hooligans, but let's leave that one alone as well).

When Clouseau, therefore, flies his underwear it can only be in surrender, while Austin Danger Powers remains defiant. Admittedly Britain has a past record of being booted out of Afghanistan twice before - but the Afghans will probably remember the second time (1879) rather better. On that occasion seventy-eight soldiers and three civilians held off an army of several thousand, and an artillery bombardment, for twelve hours and inflicted six hundred casualties before they were wiped out. In other words, they see a man cornered and flying the Union Jack, they'll probably back away and go attack the poofy-accented guy with the white flag. It all comes down to underwear.

- Will

Zut! Je ne crois pas ce que j'ai lu!

Mark is obviously more deluded than a Mental Hospital Escapee if he thinks that he can convince the Grudge Match voters that Austin Powers could be more dirty than a Frenchman. I myself have defended the sterling abilities of the gallant Gauls here to no small degree, yet someone considered it a "historic moment" to include the words "French" and "wash" in one sentence, a sentiment cheered on by les Americains insouciants.

So, his argument that Clouseau's hygiene will hinder him is inconsistent. Besides, we all have heard about the Al-Queda being concealed in cavern complexes at the moment. Who better to find Bin Laden, than another Sellers alter-ego, Doctor Strangelove, who has been charting the caves of Afghanistan in order to build a Second American Empire for when the world is destroyed by atomic fallout?

- The Nestbeschmutzer

Clouseau drops safely into Afghanistan--though he spends an hour tangled in his parachute--and quickly blends in with an excellent disguise as a scruffy, fragrant herdsman. (Mark, what possessed you to think that Frenchmen bathe regularly?) The only hitch is his accent. Everyone he meets immediately assumes he is a member of a hated rival tribe. Several of them converge to kill him, but end up slaughtering each other, as they themselves are members of hated rival tribes. Clouseau never notices the commotion behind him.

Powers infiltrates Kandahar readily, but a rapid buildup of frustrated mojo is his undoing. Having gone almost sixteen hours without action, he starts trying to get inside the veil of every likely woman he meets. His portable bachelor-pad tent, complete with psychedelic color scheme and backlit lava lamps, draws even more notice-and it doesn't help that he keeps pronouncing the city's name "Can-do-her". Taliban lust police apprehend Powers, wrapping him up in his own tent and lugging him away.

Clouseau soon acquires a small donkey to help him search the barren countryside for bin Laden. He gets a slower pace and saddle sores for his trouble, but soon reaches a local peak to scout out the area. Upon spurring his mount to climb back down, the beast promptly bucks him off, sending him tumbling and sliding down a thousand-foot slope. Clouseau picks himself up, says "That felt good," and carries on alone.

"What, couldn't you afford a better secret lair? Unadorned caves are so out." Powers's guards, realizing their error, gag him again. Al-Qaeda's Secret Court of Fundamentalist Justice ends up treating him lightly, merely deporting him and confiscating his Swedish ahem enlarger. Powers goes home to resume his normal life-not knowing his foes had injected him with a nefarious biological weapon meant to terrorize the shameless harlots of the West. Nobody ever traces the venereal epidemic back to Powers, or Afghanistan.

Clouseau stops for the night inside the mouth of a cave, setting up a small propane-fueled stove he carried in his pack to make dinner. Within seconds, he manages to set his long, loose sleeve ablaze, and knocks the tank free in his struggles to extinguish himself. He ends up running screaming out of the cave with his arm ablaze. Seconds later, the propane explosion collapses the cave-incidentally burying Osama bin Laden, whom Clouseau would have noticed lurking deeper within the cave had he just searched.

The Pentagon ends up taking credit for the Osama hit, showing the explosion and cave-in at a press briefing. General Tommy Franks describes the figure seen fleeing the cave beforehand as "the luckiest man in Afghanistan." He's right about that part.

- Call me Shane

Clouseau, dead easy. It's a lead pipe cinch that a funny englishman playing a french moron will beat an american moron playing an unfunny englishman. Besides, have you ever seen the scene in the Revenge of the Pink Panther where every country in the U.N. sends their best assasins against Clouseau? The man is made of rubber, only compares with Bugs Bunny for indestructibility. Oh yes, the ICP clause definitely applies in this situation. I only hope that Clouseau does not rest till the case is sol-ved and bin Laden and Austin Powers are dipped together in a vat of boiling oil for their crimes against humanity.

- Ezra of Mars

firstly, i think Clousseau should win simply based on the fact that he is Peter Sellers, a wonderful actor from england, and Mike Myers is a horrible former-SNL ham who's from Canada and doesn't liked to be touched. Fact of the matter is, Sellers knows this game a lot better than Myers does. Not only was he Inspector Clousseau who himself routed several dangerous criminals even though he was french, but he was also the President of the United States (back when it mattered), Dr. Strangelove, and James Bond(even though everybody was James Bond in that movie to confuse the enemy). He defeated Orson Wells at Baccarat! What more do you need? What did Austin Powers do for anybody? If Mike Myers didn't create a villain in the first place there would have been no problem! And he created Wayne's World, and made a duo as stupid as Bill and Ted remain popular for several years! He repopularized heavy metal and Rob Lowe! This man is evil. I wish the axe murderer had killed him.

- Mr. Neptune

Disclaimer: I hereby apologise to my country (hereafer: England) in advance for any stereotypical references to said country and/or its residents in the 1960s. I also hereby give the finger (*extends middle finger*) to the naughty countries that make up some of the Arab world, and to terrorist muslims in general.

Austin Powers 3: From the Taliban with Love (Yeah, baby!)

Austin's plane flys high over Kabul, Afghanisan. A small, groovily- dressed man jumps from the cargo hold, attached to a large Union Jack parachute. Touching down in the dusty sands of Afghanistan's captial, Austin looks around, smiling for no apparent reason. Walking through the captial, he rounds a corner, being confronted with a large army of Taliban soldiers.

"Hi there! My name's Powers...Austin Powers" His eyebrows wiggle as if independant from his body) From nowhere (well somewhere but SEEMINGLY nowhere) a large number of Afghani women appear...all dressed in those big black tent things (yashmacks?) with only an eyeslit. Austin smiles broadly "Repression, baby! Let's all get naked! Free love! Yeah, baby, Yeah!(TM)" etc.

All of a sudden all the women throw off their tent-things, revealing 60s miniskrts and groovy tops, and join Austin in a Bollywood-style (hey we're CLOSE to India here) Song and dance routine...marching all the way to Osama's headquarters.

Osama sits there stroking a goat "Ah, Mishter Powers, i didn't ekshpect you to get thish far"

"Well here I am, baby. International relations and all that...Hmmmm..." Austin pauses.."Do the monkey with me, baby!" Austin waves his fists in the air, doing the old dance re-popularised by Johnny Bravo.

Slowly, uncontrolably, Osama joins in, dancing (albeit badly) to Austin's imaginary music. As quick as a flash, Densie Richards (hey, i want to get her in somewhere) appears in a skimpy costume, slapping a pair of plasticuffs around Bin Laden's wrists. Austin's dancing all the way back to The Ministry of Defence's (hey, note the correct spelling with a 'c') HQ.

Oh yeah, and at some point a french guy in a trenchcoat and a moustache gets killed by a chinese guy "It was only training...i swear!"

Game, set and match Powers (and Richards).

- Si (Footbalius Hooliganus)

I was just about to dismiss the talents of both until Mark pointed out that Clouseau both SHOWERS and BRUSHES HIS TEETH. Obviously he can't be a real Frenchman, and has just been cleverly disguised as one for the past thirty years or so. With that sort of skill, he can easily infiltrate Bin Laden's inner circle and kill him with a large pastry (all part of his French persona).

- Insomnus

Oh, please! We know getting to Bin Laden will be a chore for both
agents; Powers will be attempting to woo every female he sees,
introducing disco music to the locals, and roaring around in his
stupid car, while Clouseau will be breaking things, accidentally
killing assassins, blowing things up, falling over things, and
having trouble with his artificial beard. But what happens when
our gallant detectives finally reach their quarry?

Consider this: when has Austin confronted a major villain and
defeated him? Never! Sure, a few thugs get thrown out a window or
over a cliff or beaten up by Austin's current woman, but when it
comes down to the climax, the ultimate do-or-die scenario, it
just never happens! Evil always gets away while Austin is
distracted. Once Powers actually had the sense to shoot the
Doctor, but this was negated immidiately when he went back in
time to save some bimbo who ten-to-one won't even be in the next
movie. This man needs his priorities re-adjusted.

Clouseau, on the other hand, faces the villain and wins either by
dumb luck, bungling, or another party's intervention. If Clouseau
trips over a wire and a chandelier falls on Bin Laden's head,
that's good. But what if Osama is accidentally shot by Dreyfuss,
who thought he was aiming at Clouseau? Or what if the terrorist
is throttling Jacques, only to have Cato come out of nowhere,
knocking him out the window? (As Bin Laden tumbles to his
death: "Cato, you feul! Zat was not me!") No matter how it
happens, Clouseau at least gets the job done. And that's what
counts. Austin has spent at least two movies chasing a villain
who hasn't really done anything aside from a few empty threats.
It would take him five to hunt down a villain of Bin Laden's
calibre! Clouseau could have the Phantom in one movie if it
weren't for loopholes that make him seem intelligent. He could
stop Evil in no time. Austin will be shot while celebrating the
fact that Bin Laden moved to another town. Hey, is that very
different from when Evil returns to orbit?

Mr. Sellers, if you're up there, I'm doing this for you.

- Cool Guy from Manitoba a.k.a. Oxymoron

What we have here is a classic application of Grudge Theory(tm). Victory will be delivered to Austin Powers, due to the inalienable Babe Factor(tm). Sad, but true: There are simply more women looking better in further states of undress around Austin Powers than Inspector Clouseau. Grudgelings far and wide will vote their libidos and pick Powers.

Secondly we find a precedent in Grudge History(further tm) that all but assures bin Laden's demise at British hands. Consider; Powers is lecherous, speaks in a fashion nobody else understands, and has terrible teeth. Is he not an English Soccer Hooligan(tm?)? Consider also; Clouseau is inept, works for the government, and lives in France. Is he not a part of the French Army? The true spirit of each contestant will shine through, and history will surely repeat itself.

Finally, and perhaps most poignantly: Inspector Clouseau is DEAD. In one of the final Pink Panther movies, "Son of the Pink Panther", Clouseau has died, and it falls to his illegitimate progeny to solve cases with similar incompetence. If the two previously mentioned points are not convincing enough, think how much harder it will be for Clouseau to capture bin Laden when he is busy pushing up daisies.

- Kleis

Austin Powers can't get ANYTHING done without a "side-chick", so this would severly limit his abilities in a country where women aren't even allowed to leave the house; much less in a Union Jack bikini.

Besides, Clouseau has cooler theme music.

- Bjmmn

I can't believe the beating that Inspector Clouseau is taking from this young upstart. After all, Clouseau has the power of Mr. Mancini background music. Mojo means nothing when compared to such a potent force.

- Donald Eric Kesler

Although Closeau is a formidable opponent, Austin's sheer mojo will save the day. While roaming the streets of Afghanistan searching for Bin Laden's secret underground lair, he encounters the lovely Lacy Lingerie, Bin Ladens lover, who succumbs to Austins irresistible lure. After the best five minute tumble she has ever had Lacy, disguises Austin as an Afghanistan woman and smuggles him into the secret lair. Bin Laden, oblivious to Austin's true identity, falls victim to his mojo. While feeling Austin's leg under his robe, Austin seizes the opportunity and give Bin Laden the judo chop of his life. Just then British forces storm the secret lair and Bin Laden is incarcerated. Yeah Baby!

- Charlie

There is one crucial that both comentators here have missed (sorry, Steve and Mark, but this one is painfully obvious to anyone who doesn't rely on TV programs, celebrities, and movies for their education of worldly matters). Consider the agents' countries of origin.

In light of this, Austin seems to be the better prepared agent. Here's why:

1. Austin Powers is from England. He needs no conditioning to survive in the rough Afghanistan climate. Anyone who can survive the harsh, cold, extreme discomfort of a British Toilet(TM) has already been through hell. Austin grew up accustomed to British loo. What does he have to fear?

2. The current food shortage in Afghanistan. People are being reduced to eating all kinds of crap to survive(though they pointedly refuse to lower themselves to the consumption of that disgusting western gook, peanut butter, giving it to their animals). Austin has been raised in a society that thinks of Fish & Chips as fine dining, and wishes they'd go back to wrapping their food in used newspapers like they used to.

3. Taliban Shmaliban. England has produced a mafia-like organization of the the most rugged, most fanatical, and most brutal elite corps of warriors in existence: Soccer Hooligans(TM). When a big international match is scheduled, local fire and police departments prepare MONTHS ahead of time to keep the riots in check. They invariably fail miserably, despite using tear gas, heavy riot armor, and fire hoses against soccer fans armed with lawn chairs. Even the average citizens are scary; when I studied there, my Portuguese friends locked themselves in their rooms for a day after Portugal beat England. When they came out, they still got jumped.

On the other side of things...
Clouseau comes from France. To anyone who has lived in Europe for any amount of time, that alone should be enough. However, given the predominately USA/Canadian crowd here, I'll explain a few things about the French.

1. EVERYBODY HATES THE FRENCH. Most European countries are on good terms with some of their neighbors, and bad terms with others. France is the big exception. The Spanish, French, Germans, English, Irish, Scandinavians, Swiss, and Italians hate them. 15 years after the French helped the USA win its independence, we were fighting them regualrly on the high seas(the "psuedo war" if you care about real history)! Hell, even the Belgians hate them, and they speak the same language and live next door!

2. They smell. As someone who hosted a French exchange student that went six weeks straight without bathing in a hot, humid, summer, let me assure you, they've got The Stink(TM). This would tag Clouseau as being a foreign intruder instantly(the locals may not bathe that much, but nothing can compare to the Cesspool Armpits(TM) of the French.

3. The French can't win at anything that matters. They haven't won a real battle since 1812. Their best troops are in the French Foreign Legion(TM), composed almost entirely of soldiers WHO ARE NOT FRENCH! Diplomatically, they piss off their allies even more so than their enemies. Economically, they are the most overly- protectionist nation in Europe, and their economy suffers for it. The only sports they do well in is fencing (which they get stomped a lot in, too) and soccer, which the above-mentioned hooligans punish them for to the point that they never play against England if they can possibly help it (side note: they don't really play friendlies against anyone, more proof of the fact that everybody hates the French). Honestly, do you ever see France win fights that really matter? I don't!

The Taliban, as a publicity stunt, publically executes Clouseau for being a well-known frenchman. This swings world-wide public opinion in their favor. They use his stinking corpse against the Northern Alliance dissidents (Anthranx ain't got nothin' on the smell of an old frog).

England, serious about getting their man, goes for a deceptive plan. The bombing campaign is halted, and as a gesture of friendship, the U.K. announces an international "friendly" match between their national team and the Taliban's in Kabul. Hooligans invade the country and rip Osama & Co. to shreds in the after-match riots. Austin gets a few pieces he takes back to the U.K.

- hey, who is Clouseau, anyways? You guys watch a scary amount of TV. Sorry this was so long, but it beats doing calculus!

Have both of you overlooked the fact that Austin has never actually caught a villian? Dr. Evil always escpaes! Also, while the IPC may prevent the French inspector from being killed, it will not aid him in capturing bin Laden. The result is both detectives will simply wander around cluelessly until America descides to take matters into its own hands and send in Maxwell Smart, sho actually killed a bad guy once in a while.

- K-Rog

As i see it both lose out to an American agent; Maxwell Smart, heres why,

Bin Laden is a terroist, terror is a product of chaos, chaos is an enemt of control, Smart is an agent of control, plus being an american he will take the initive an beat them both as the 9-11-01 attacks took place on American Soil. so the only real contest will be who takes over the Al'Queda notwork after Bin Laden, Dr Evil or Zeigfreid.

- American Eagle

I refuse to vote, well, because this is how I see the outcome . . .

As Clouseau stumbles into the cave from the left and Powers swings in from the right, cornering Bin Laden, all three are suddenly blinded by a bright light with a short man stepping in front of them.
"Alright, freeze! You three Chaos agents are surrounded by the entire U.S. Military.
Jaw-dropped, the three stare unbelieving at him . . .
"O.K. Two brigades of Northern Front Fighters"
With no response . . .
"Would you believe, Agent 99 on dyspeptic camel?
Just then, Agent 99 rushes in to cling to Max Smart's arm (the one holding the gun, naturally)
OH, Max! I was worried about you, I thought you might be in terrible danger!
"And loving it!"
At that moment Bin Ladin stands up and unwrapes his turbin. Max and 99 stare at him - "Chief!"
"Good job Agent 86, we've been trying to find this plot (of the story) out for weeks"
99- "but Chief, what about the real Bin Ladin?"
Max- "Missed him by THAT much!"

SO there!

- GibsonGirl

Curse you grude-match!!!(entire curse: TM) After so many years of faithful service to the terminally bored why must you now torture us like this? In the orginal Glory Days(TM) of Steve&Brian(TM) the winner was normally easily decided by one's favorite character or whether you disliked one commentater more than the other. So little Actual Thinking(TM) was required. [ahhhh those where the days] But what is this?!?!?! I come to the Blessed Refuge(TM) of Grudge- Match(TM) to escape the horrible reality of college life (aka: studying) only to find the current match as difficult as my Advance Metaphysics of Underwater Basket Weaving(TM). How could you do this us? your faithful and loyal (and in most cases mindless) followers? Both contestants are such of high caliber how can one possibly choose their favorite between them? Both commentators are so equalably lothable that how can I choose between them? So in a last desperate attempt I turn to the actual comments only to find both arguments of such staggering propotions that my mind is perplexed in the presence of such greatness. (true Clouseau has the near-almighty(TM) IPC(TM) to watch over him but Austin has the ability to incite the women-of- Afghanistan(TM) to rise up) Countless nights have passed since I last slept as I agonize over this monumental decision...

Ah well...
Everyone's going to vote for Austin Powers anyway so I'll vote for the underdog(TM).

- Hunt-Master

Being stupendouly clumsy will not bail Clauseau out in this scenario. Because all the Taliban fighters have guns, bending down to tie a shoe lace or pick up a dropped hat(effective for avoiding one bullet), will only get his ass filled with lead.

Who's got more experience dealing with evil organizations? That's gotta be Austin Powers. Being the veteran spy as Powers is, he is trained to use all weapons, from shoes, toothpaste, to penis enlargers. Heck, even his undies are more effective than flash bombs when stunning enemies. All it will take Powers to disable the Taliban henchmen is throw sand in their face, and they'll shake uncontrollably, make a little "I've been hit!" noise, and fall to the ground unconcious.

Even restricting enemy movements is a walk in the park: start dancing and everyone within the blast radius of disco lights and "Boogie Oogie Woogie" and no one can help themselves but drop their weapon and shake like they got the Saturday Night Fever (They're gonna hit the U.S. with Anthrax, Austin can hit them with the SNF, just as effective.)Michael Jackson and the Mask can make people dance uncontrollably, so can Austin Powers.

"Austin Powers he's the man!" Like the music says, "he's the man" for the job.

- B-sharp

In the end, Austin Powers will escape the pit of evil mutant camels with lasers strapped to their heads just in time to run after Osama Bin Laden, who trips over Clouseau who was trying to tie his shoe, even though it was really a sandal...

- Peter Tutham "Is it a really evil mutant camel?"

Meanwhile in a nondescript city in the United States, a strange man dressed in a grey trenchcoat and matching hat is doing his weekly grocery shopping. He lifts his ringing hand to his ear and proclaims, "Yes Chief? ...I'll be right there." Walking two aisles over, he finds a large bin of peanuts and starts muttering to himself, "Strange, i could've sworn the chief said to meet him here." Just then, a voice comes from the bin, "Gadget, down here!" Looking down into the bin, the trenchcoat clad man sees a familiar face with a pipe. In the pipe is a rolled paper message:

Mad agents have been giving aid to an international terrorist organization based in Afghanistan. Round up the Mad agents involved and arrest the terrorist leader, Usama Bin Laden. This message will self destruct.

"Right, Chief!" Cries the man as he wads up the message and tosses the message into the peanut bin. Walking out of the grocery store, Gadget hears a faint explosion and a labored groan.

As he reaches his van, he pulls a mouse cage out of his shopping cart and places on the passenger seat. Due to an odd booking error, Pinky and The Brain will be accompanying Gadget on this trip.

"Afghanastan, excellent!" Exclaims Brain, "Pinky, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Right-o, Brain!" Pinky shouts excitedly, "But where are we going to find steamed yak on this side of town?"

The Brain clobbers Pinky in the head and says disappointedly, "No Pinky, this terrorist leader, Bin Laden, has stockpiled tons of Nitrous Oxide in a bid to control the world's dental supplies. If we could get ahold of this gas, we could release it on the entire world. Then, everyone will be too busy laughing to prevent me from taking over the world!"

With that, Pinky uses his tail to unlock the cage. Both he and the Brain slip unnoticed into Gadget's suitcase and await their arrival in Afghanistan.

End result: Without Penny or Brain to distract him, Gadget mistakes Austin Powers and Clouseau for Mad agents and The Brain, who has donned a fake beard to blend in with the native Afghan people, for Bin Laden. He arrests all three and brings them back to the United States. Pinky finds a large canister of the nitrous oxide, but accidentally gasses himself and the terrorists when he thirstily mistakes the valve for a water fountain. The British and United States special forces rapidly locate the terrorists from the roaring laughter and, outfitted in full chemical warfare dress, overtake the helpless terrorists with incredible ease. Usama is found dead at the back of the cave. An autopsy later reveals that his diaphragm ruptured from excessive laughter.

- Oratem

This will be a no brainer. Clouseau all the way. Why? this all boils down to one man whom you seem to have forgotten about. Kato you fools. There is no mention of him but even when thought to be elsewhere, when Clouseau thinks hes in for a break a masked ninja jumps out on him. This sort of training will give Clouseau the edge. Powers can only defeat enemies armed with a "Laser." Even if Clouseau should fail Kato will see it through. How? Well Katos alias Mr. Burt Quok is a dear friend of Harry Hill. Whos collars are so wide you could hanglide on them. With this aerial advantage Quok will utilise reconnaisance and a swift airborne insertion along with several members of the badger parade to eliminate our bearded foe. Powers meanwhile will be too busy trying to get his Shaguar to start after Clouseau has performing some well meant mechanics that worked for him (IPC). Kato takes out Bin Laden Clouseau takes the credit.

- The Pink Panther

Does anyone actually believe that Bin Laden is in Afghanistan?? Of course he isn't. He is probably in Tahiti, laying on a beach surround by a harem of island girls (Bin Laden is rich, where else would he be?)

That is why Clouseau will win. While Austin Powers is cave crawling (and harem shagging) his way through the mountains of Afghanistan, Clouseau of course, will get on the wrong plane and end up in Tahiti. There he will be mistaken for Bin Laden's personal pilot (also played by Peter Sellers), and end up piloting the plane in a hilarious crash in the parking lot of the French Police HQ (smashing Clouseau's boss' new car in the process). Everyone will emerge unhurt, Bin Laden is arrested and Clouseau gets another medal. Clouseau's luck is so good, he can even be the first frenchman to win WWWF.

- Inspector 69

Clouseau all the way. Neither sleuth is a Master of Disguise, but when Clouseau becomes a phone repairman, he looks like one. When he becomes a dentist, he's good enough to fool the patient initially (until he gasses himself, pulls the wrong tooth and his face putty melts). Austin Powers? Even when he blends in he stands out! It should be way beyond easy to lose yourself in a crowd (of tourists, no less), but he stuck out like a sore thumb. Honestly, this is the guy that somehow managed to stand out in a synchronized swim routine, where every one dresses and moves identically. If he can't even hide in those situations, how's he going to last long enough to find Bin Laden, let alone bring him in? And forget about alter egos FB & Dr. Evil, they're about as subtle as a sequined, tasseled Vegas showgirl in a feathered headdress at an Amish quilting bee.

Yes, Steve, Clouseau trains by having Kato attack him. However, you forgot to mention that Kato himself wants to attack Clouseau. More accurately, KATO WANTS TO KILL CLOUSEAU. Kato is desperately trying to inflict grievous, fatal bodily harm on Clouseau, but hasn't succeeded yet! Taking on Bruce Lee, voluntarily, and living to tell the tale... Now that's the kind of moxie it takes to persevere in a war zone. Seriously, if the Inspector can survive the dragon's attacks relatively unscathed, he's gotta be either Mr.T level tough or protected by a genuine Idiot Protection Clause (duh, it's the IPC).

(How'd Bruce Lee get in here? Via my Typical-Grudge-Match-Selective- Association-Argument... Clouseau's Kato = The Green Hornet's sidekick, Kato, played by Bruce Lee. Q.E.D. We'll ignore Kato Kalin because he doesn't support my point. I said it was a selective association).

We all recognize that, just as surely as a leather jacket or a nice pair of Ray Bans, a good theme song can instantly confer both success in the face of overwhelming odds (which this covert op definitely calls for) and Mentos Level Coolness™. Now then, imagine both these detectives' songs were available to you. Which would you choose? Do you want the reedy, tweeting, whistling one? It's cute, upbeat, quirky and catchy (Catchy... that's a kiss of death right there... after all, Pepsi's "Ba bah, ba ba bah" anthem was catchy, but you don't want that one, do you? Please say you don't). Or would you rather have the cool, mellow, even slightly sexy (well, it is!), sax tune with a hint of suspense and adventure. You want the Henry Mancini piece, don't you? Who wouldn't?

Clouseau takes this one on his Theme Song™ alone.

By the way, theme music seems to have been invoked in recent matches more often than the Babe Factor™, so I'd like to take this moment to say that if we must have a Glossary (*sigh*... a necessary evil, I suppose), then we should trademark and capitalize the Theme Song ™ factor (like so) and include it.

- Estrella

Both of these spies live in the movie/television world and in this world are another set laws. I call these laws Movie Physics. The Idiot Pretection Clause mentioned in the commentary is one of these laws. If these laws are broken there are terrible consequeses. The first and most important law is the good guys always win. I'm sure there are movies in which the bad guys win, but none that have done well. Movies that break this fundemental rule will make very little money. Osama bin Laden is one of the baddest guys around, so there is no possible way both spies will fail.

Within this parallel universe there are specific laws pertaining to each individual show or movie. In James Bond movies there are laws such as "before the movie ends James Bond, 007, will make love to at least one beatufil woman" and "any time James Bond, 007, is captured by a villian the elaborate death trap will take no less than 10 minutes to be completed and shall not be supervised by more than three enemies of James Bond, 007, and James Bond, 007, must escape. James BOnd, 007, must also be transported to the trap almost immediately after capture".

Austin Powers is a parody of James Bond and has essencially the same rules, except in parodies it changes a bit. In a parody the effect of the rules are amplified. The making love rule is amplified, Austin is constantly attempting to get in bed with more beautiful women. Dr. Evil's death traps are just as elaborate but can take more time and never have more than one enemy in supervision.

Let us review the rules that effect this match:
Osama bin Laden must be killed or captured
both contestants cannot die (due to the IPC and elaborate long death rule)
Austin will be slowed when making love to a beautiful woman

Now I only stated that both spies cannot be killed. Both Austin and Clouseau can be temporarily immobilized or slightly harmed. (Clouseau has been hurt before) But if Austin is immobilized with a tranquizer he must be quickly wakened and place in a death trap. He cannot be executed by firing squad. Clouseau will definately reach bin Laden first, but will do something stupid and end up in jail. bin Laden will not kill him, but keep him hostage. Once Austin is done making love he will reach bin Laden and do something stupid and get caught as well, but Powers cannot be held captive like Clouseau for an extended period of time. Therefore bin Laden will attempt to execute Powers, but Powers will escape and blow bin Laden's cave up. Clouseau will hide under something and survive the blast with little damage done. Austin Powers will really win this match by blowing bin Laden up, but will get sidetracked by more beaustiful women and Clouseau will return to France to take credit for the kill.

- Paploo

Clouseau: Plays a Frenchman but really a Brit.

Powers: Plays a Brit but really a Fellow CanadianTM.

Advantage: Powers.

Clousseau is torn internally between what he is and what he wants to be. Powers, on the other hand, can be both! History shows that, time and time again, whenever England goes to war we Canadians follow suit immediately (not like those wait- and-see-til-we're-way-more-powerful-than-everybody-else-and-then-look- big-when-we-save-everybody's-you-know-whats Americans). British subjects are allowed to vote in our country. We even have the same queen! If you're Canadian, you can be British too.

But there's more: If you're Canadian, you get to be French too! This means that Austin could also be what Clouseau wants to be - he just chooses not to. This reality will be too much for poor Inspector Clouseau, who will be too distracted by feelings of internal turmoil and jealousy to be effective against al Qaeda. He will bumble around the streets of Kabul looking for a place to get boiled coq au vin and a cognac-and-tonic while Powers seamlessly combines his three national skills of seduction, good manners, and Tactical Beaver Dispatch to hunt down "the evil one" and "bring him to justice." Then he'll probably try to shag someone.

- Matthew J.D. Moir

Let us not forget the almighty "HCS" (Hairy Chest Syndrome)...By shearing copicious amounts of chest hair, Austin Powers will be able to further disguise himself with a lush, ful beard, surely to be the envy of all Taliban and Al-Qida fighters everywhere. That being the case, they will switch their allegiance (as they have clearly demonstrated to be able to do) to Austin Powers, who will then order the death of Bin Laden and triumph over the sorry Inspector Clousecu, wh also suffers from the dreaded "IAF" (I Am French)handicap, which proved to be the downfall of the French-Canadians vs. the US...The French are hopelessly outclassed and cannot win at anything...

- Frozen in Fairbanks

Just like France to send in an oceanographer to capture a land shark
*oops, wrong Grudge Match[TM]*

- Pork-Chop Express

Austin Powers can be dismissed right away. While he would be useful in rooting out sleeper cells, the running joke of his movies is his inability to adapt to the modern West. How, then, would he handle an oxymoron like "modern Afghanistan"? Possibly by picking up an unexploded cluster bomblet for use as a colorful fashion accessory.

Further, Powers' favorite tactic consists of "pumping" women for information. Since the Taliban restricts females to their homes, there is little information to gain this way. And, can you think of any society that pulls a harder line on that sort of stunt? If fundamentalist Islam law calls for thieves to have a hand amputated, how do you suppose they punish male adulterers?

Clouseau would do better, for these reasons:

1) He takes his duties with the utmost courage, seriousness, and devotion, so the curse of the poorly-disciplined French army (suggested recruitment slogan: "We can still beat the Italians!") does not apply to him.
2) Half of Afghanistan's population wears full-length burqas, so his disguise ability should prove very handy, provided Kato can escort him as a "male relative". This talent, along with his innate distrust for their species since one excreted upon him, will also make him harder for Bert's pigeons to track. In contrast, these spies will have no trouble following Mr. Powers' flamboyant costume through every major urban area.
3) Inserting this bumbler into a landscape littered with twenty- years'-worth of mines, booby-traps, and live ordnance sounds unwise, but Clouseau has taken many blasts point-blank before without being more than mildly stunned.
4) To sum up the assignment: A brilliant (some say mad) former ally and head of an organization that uses force is directing explosions of worldwide targets and extorting nations, all for the purpose of removing an obnoxious presence. Our agent must enter a region swarming with hostiles of various ethnicities, locate and penetrate the secret hideout, end the threat, and bring the culprit to justice. I would call Clouseau's chances slim... if I hadn't seen him already do it in "The Pink Panther Strikes Again!" In that film, he succeeded perfectly against Dreyfus and the Doomsday Machine. Constantly warring factions? Pfah! In the movie, top assassins from 22 different nations came with their sights upon Clouseau but wound up killing each other.

The best predictor of future performance is past performance. If the reputation of the world's second-most-pathetic military can be redeemed, Inspector Clouseau is the man to do it.

- Matt Bricker (Bart: "Hello, Moe-hammed's? I'm looking for someone, last name Qaeda, first name Al?")

Well, I thought about it, and thought about it, and after carefully weighing both of their strengths and weaknesses, considering the popularity and status of each in the real world, and pondering each contestant's skills and their usefulness in the context of this match, I came up with this:

If someone referenced Pink Panther in a conversation, I would consider him or her one of the pop culture elite. If someone said "Do I make you horny, baby, do I?!", in any context, I'd have to kick them in the stomach. Clouseau wins.

- Infraggable Krunk

After pondering this match for a few seconds, I realized that even though Osama himself is hidden, it's hard to hide fifty women dressed in all black. That's right...the harem. And that's what changed my mind from Monsieur Clouseau to the ultimate ladies man, Austin Powers. Yes, he is a buck-toothed disco-loving Brit with a chest like a shag (no pun intended) rug, but don't forget his prized secret weapon: his mojo. Don't laugh, it works. How else could he have landed Elizabeth Hurley AND Heather Graham? It's the mojo, baby. Trust me. "Baby, come and braid my chest hair, it'll be shagadelic" is not a good pick up line. Austin will have no trouble at all getting "groovy" with one of the Bin-Laden women, which will give him an in at the hole-in-the-mountain shack where the Taliban is hiding. After penetrating (again, no pun intended) enemy lines, it's gravy for Austin.

- Kelly "what's wrong with going forty over the speed limit?" Belly

Surely, this a Grudge Match spawned by Beelzebub himself. We have perhaps the two most wussiest, and probably most annoying nationalities known to the civilized world: the British and the French. The British have at least a few things up on the French as that they don't surrender to every mook with a popgun and they're somewhat familiar with the idea of everyday bathing. Unfortunately, these advantaged are almost voided out by their national epidemic of Bad Teeth(tm) and Benny Hill.

But let's get down to brass tacks here; this isn't one country of pasty white people against another! No, it's simply TWO pasty white people attempting to beat the other to the world's most hated beard. Austin would initially seem to have the advantage as his mighty Mojo is seemingly unstoppable against all odds. He's had the experience against international super-terrorists AND their miniture dawrf clone things. Clouseau, at first glance, seems to be nothing more than a cheese-eating bumbler. But from here on out, it's actually anyone's game.

Clouseau has the disguise advantage simply from his everyday moustache, because as everyone knows, men with ugly facial hair are oddly attracted to other men with ugly facial hair. The good inspector's creepy, "I'm your 'special' babysitting uncle!" moustache will seek out Bin Laden's lint-catcher like a thief in the dark. The Allied forces will be able to easily track Clouseau's unique French-Stench(tm) over the rugged mountains of Afghanistan. Once there, Clouseau's already- mentioned indestructability will keep him safe as he wonders around the campsite, nose buried in an Afghani phrasebook, oblivious as Allied cluster bombs careen down all around him, pounding Osama, and somehow the inspector's comissioner, into oblivion. Austin will never even make it near the terrorists' camp as he will be permantly held up by two things:

first of all, poon. His unstoppable animal magnetism will instantly cause the isolated, oppressed, and sex- starved Afghani women to pounce him, incapacitating the international man of mystery with a mass-orgy unseen since the "Houston 500." The second factor keeping Austin back will be his thirst after such a physical ordeal. Now, if the movies have taught us anything, it's that Austin is not a fan of drinking another man's feces. In fact, he very visibly is made by ill by such a thing occuring in "Austin powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me." This fact comes into play as he stumbles towards the sink, exhausted from his 3-day session of Afghani sexual escapades, and pours himself a glass of tapwater. THIRD WORLD COUNTRY TAPWATER. Which we all know contains at least 19 times the feces than the glass of Fat Bastard's waste Austin downed in the film. Thusly, hobbled by Middle Eastern sexual antics and toilet-banished by poorly-managed sewer systems, Austin Powers would fail miserably in his attempt to locate Usama Bin Laden. VIVE LA FRANCE!

- Sassy


Anyone who can survive the harsh, cold, extreme discomfort of a British Toilet(TM) has already been through hell.

- hey, who is Clouseau, anyways? You guys watch a scary amount of TV.
Sorry this was so long, but it beats doing calculus!

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Dr. Laura v. Dr. Evil
Frank Drebin v. Maxwell Smart
Jacques Cousteau v. Marlin Perkins

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Next Match: The Moppet Show
ETA: Monday, November 19th, 2001

© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC