The Neverending Response

A division of the Ritalin™ Reading Room!

Several regulars apparently got together and produced this mammoth response. Though it was extremely big, we could not in good conscience cut it. Enjoy reading it and reading it and reading it and reading it and...

Johnny: Good evening fight fans, I'm Johnny Gomez
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond. Do we have a treat for you tonight. A cross-country race that's bound to be filled with blood and gore.
Johnny: MTV has given us a week off so that we could host this car rally-o'-death for our friends at WWWF Ground Zero (tm).
Nick: Let's hear about the contestants from Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Steve: Thanks Nick. Lets start with Thelma and Louise. While they hate all men and that will give them the coveted rage factor (tm) that has carried many Grudge Match (tm) champions of the past to victory, I just don't see it helping much in a race.
Johnny: And look at the Duke Boys.
Steve: Three words come to mind, Po-White-Trash.
Nick: Right. The good ol' boys could handle things on their own show, but I just don't think they can compete with other heroes.
Steve: Stupid sons-of-bitches.
Johnny: And look who they were up against, the undisputed KING of Fat slobs, J. D. Hogg, who happens to be in the audience tonight.
Steve: Hey porky, I bet you could eat more than John Madden and the Fridge put together (link to Madden vs. Perry match). I wonder how many acres of cotton go into one of Hogg's suits.
Nick: And what about that incompetent sheriff, Rosco P. Coltrane?
Steve: I've seen some jackasses in my time but Rosco makes Ernest P. Worrell look like Albert Einstein.
Nick: Since this is on modern paved highways with bridges over every river, the Dukes won't have anything to jump over. They just lose all of their advantages. Do you think they can make the transition from driving on the back dirt roads of the deep South?
Johnny: Nick, if you can drive on Southern dirt roads, you can drive ANYWHERE. Trust me.
Nick: Well that's all the time we have for pre-race commentary. Things are about to get underway on the road.
Steve: If you want this race get started, gimme a 'Hell yeah'
Crowd: HELL YEAH!!!
Johnny: And they're off!

Nick: Something's wrong. Earnhardt isn't going anywhere. Let's check the camera in his car.
Johnny: He seems to be unconscious. And look who is chuckling devilishly to themselves.
Nick: Its Dick Dastardly and Muttley, entry #18. They must have knocked out Earnhardt.
Johnny: Looks like Earnhardt is out of the race right from the start.

As he crosses the New York/Pennsylvania boarder, McClure's engine starts to smoke.
Johnny: J.J.'s in trouble. They're spinning out of control.
Nick: I wonder what went wrong. Let's review the tapes from the garages to find out what happened.
Johnny: Why, that's the Six-pack (entry #11) tampering with J.J.'s engine. They were disqualified for stealing parts.
Nick: McClure just sideswiped that red 18-wheeler!
Johnny: They're lucky they survived. Look, the truck is slowing down. Looks like the driver wants a word with them.
Nick: That's no ordinary truck Johnny. It's transforming.
Johnny: Its Optimus Prime!
Steve: And he sure does look PISSED.
Prime stomps on the car crushing McClure and Chaos to death.
Nick: We said there'd be carnage.

Johnny: We're down to four competitors as we approach the Mississippi River.
Nick: It seems that the Blues Brothers are stopping. What are they up to?
Johnny: I think that coffee house might hold the answer Nick. Looks like a pit stop.
The Blue Brothers stop for greaseburgers and dry white toast (Belushi orders a 2nd burger "because the gas tank hasn't filled up yet").
Nick: Now what are the Dukes doing? They're driving off the road!
Johnny: Looks like they are going to try to jump over the river!
Nick: I guess they just can't resist the temptation.
The General Lee takes off, horn blazing.
Johnny: They're not going to make it!
Nick: Look out for that...
The General crash-lands onto a slow moving boat.
Nick: ...barge.
Johnny: That's not just a barge Nick, that's a garbage scow.
Nick: I didn't need to hear THAT.
Johnny: The barge is letting the Dukes back onto land on the west side of the river in St. Louis.
Nick: Now they just need to get back on the highway.
Johnny: There's just one problem Nick. That's EAST St. Louis.
Nick: Hey, isn't that the same dark alley from National Lampoon's Vacation?
Johnny: I believe it is, and those are the same gang-bangers too. One of the gang members attempts to spray paint the General Lee and immediately bursts into flames. However, that doesn't stop the Dukes from getting out of the car and starting a fistfight.
Nick: I think that was a mistake.
Johnny: The Dukes just got the snot beat out of them and all their cash stolen.
Nick: But they manage to get back into their car, onto the highway and out of St. Louie
Johnny: But their troubles aren't over yet!
Nick: Uh-oh, a state trooper is on their tail and they are only half way through Missouri. And the Dukes are STILL on parole!
Johnny: What were they thinking leaving Hazard?
Nick: Well, $10 million is on the line and at the rate we're going it won't really matter since they'll end up dead anyway.
The trooper pulls them over and drags the Dukes off to jail where they spend a night sharing a cell with a rather large man named Ben Dover.

Johnny: Speed Racer seems to be having some kind of dispute.
Nick: That's Frankenstein from Death Race 2000 (entry #7)
Johnny: Speed just can't resist challenging SOMEONE in a race can he.
Steve: What Speed doesn't realize is that Racer X (who usually bails him out of these situations) won't be around to save him this time.
Speed ends up in a head-on collision with Frankenstein.
Nick: I guess without Racer X, Speed just can't perform.
Johnny: What ever happened to Racer X anyway?
Steve: He's now a professional wrestler.
Johnny: Four down.

The next morning the Dukes break out of jail.
Johnny: The Dukes are back in the race!
Nick: But how much more punishment can they take?
Johnny: They've got a lot of ground to make up, and that Trooper won't be far behind them.
Nick: The racers are now in Arizona and will be coming near the Grand Canyon in another hour or two.
Johnny: The Dukes have caught up to Thelma and Louise.
Nick: Did you see that? Thelma just took a shot at them!
Johnny: That was Louise.
Nick: Whatever. It's just a good thing they can't hit the broad side of a barn.
Johnny: I thought we couldn't say 'broads' any more?
Nick: Whatever. She shoots like Ducovney at a motor home.
Johnny: Louise?
Nick: Thel...Would you just shut up? Anyway, why do you think they fired on the Dukes?
Johnny: They probably thought Bo was a certain scumbag from their movie and shot at him at their first opportunity.
Nick: They're approaching the Canyon and it looks like T&L have just noticed the Trooper chasing the Dukes.
Johnny: But T&L seem to think that the Trooper is after them!
Nick: You know what that means.
Johnny: Thelma and Louise have just driven over the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Steve: Right into dumbass oblivion where they will have to be scrapped off the canyon floor by park rangers.
Johnny: What's this? Its looks like the Dukes are following the girls.
The General Lee jumps over the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Steve: Look at the sunuvabitch go!
The General lands directly on top of T&L's car erupting in a huge (but cool looking) fireball (as required in all TV car wrecks) and incinerating all four occupants.
Johnny: Oh my God!
Nick: What a tragedy.
Steve: Damn shame, that Charger was a nice car.
Johnny: I knew we should've made them take that dynamite out of their back seat.
Nick: The moonshine in their blood probably caused them to spontaneously combust.
Steve: Another reason to support MADD. (Mothers Against Dumbass Dukes)
Nick: At least we won't have to put up with anymore accursed Luke and Bo Skywalker jokes.
Johnny: What could have caused them to follow T&L to their doom? Could they have been trying to save them in spite of the fact that the girls tried to kill them? They are just so forgiving.
Nick: Or heroic.
Steve: Or stupid.
Johnny: Wait a minute. It would seem that the General Lee was undamaged and is driving off.
Nick: But there's no driver in it. Will our rules committee permit the inclusion of a driverless entry?
Mills Lane: I'll allow it.
Johnny: Except that the brains of the outfit (the General as evidenced by the country song) doesn't seem to be trying to get back in the race. Instead, it's driving off into the sunset.
Nick: I wonder what happened.

Johnny: Looks like the Blues Brothers are the only contestants left as they cross Southern California, approaching San Diego.
Nick: But wait. There's a surprise late entry (the reason why the commentators missed it) catching up to them fast.
Johnny: It's a custom, 1982 GMC van.
Nick: And the driver is none other that the Grudge Match mascot (tm) Mr. T!
Mr. T: I pity da foo who tries to out run my van.
Johnny: It looks like it's gonna be close.
Nick: Neck and neck Johnny
Johnny: It's a TIE!

Johnny: But Mr. T. has such close ties to the Grudge Match. Something doesn't sound quite right. I smell a rat Nick.
Nick: Is that what that is?
A full-scale investigation is undertaken to look into a possible scam. Mr. T throws the investigator through the wall ending the inquiry, but not before the Ground Zero officials are sued for every cent they have (Which amounts to $1.50). Mr. T is cleared of any wrong doing after donating his half of the award money to the orphanage.

Earnhardt wakes up just in time to realize he has just lost the race. He goes on to lose to Jeff Gordon for the rest of his career. However, he still manages to make more money than all the Grudge Match commentators will ever see in their entire lives (except for Steve and Brian who had nothing to do with the shameful rigging of the race).

Frankenstein survives the head-on collision with Speed Racer only to be challenged by Walker Texas Ranger.

Johnny: Well it was a great race. Let's get some last words from... A flash of bright light and the ghost of Robert E. Lee appears in the announcers booth.
Nick: What the...
Lee: I'm free! I had been forced to haunt that car all those years which was the reason it could do all it could. They thought I would save them as usual at the Grand Canyon but I saw my chance to get rid of those rat bastards once and for all. Now we have vengeance for the South and moviegoers everywhere. If anyone is interested, the car can be found in an impound yard in L.A.
Nick: Well that sure explains A LOT.
Johnny: Now for a few words from our other winners, the Blues Brothers. Tell us, how did you manage to prevail in an obviously fixed race.
Blues Brothers: We're on a mission from God.
Nick: Any thoughts on that Stone Cold?
Steve: Well, if the Bible teaches us anything, its this: Thou Shalt Not Piss Off God, For He Will Surely Kick Thine Ass. And that's the bottom line, cuz Stone Cold said so.
Nick: And God too for that matter.
Johnny: Thanks for joining us. Good fight, good night.
Nick: But it was a race, not a fight Johnny.
Johnny: Aw skip it.

- The Holonet Crew: Ubiq, Topcat and Miqque

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