World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

G2: Grudgement Day

The Scenario

Sloane Peterson pulls out her cell phone and dials her boyfriend's phone number. After three rings, the call is answered. "Ferris," she begins. "What are you doing at home? Class starts in a few minutes."

"Well, yesterday was so tiring, I felt I needed to take another day off," responds the school's champion truant.

"Mister Rooney was fired and replaced," Sloane says.

"Do I know how to cap off my senior year or what?" Ferris laughs, "I left his cheese so far out in the wind..."

Sloane interrupts urgently, "Ferris! You don't understand. Rooney was replaced by some guy named Joe Clark. Apparently a real hardass. Crap! He just walked in."

"Keep me on the line," Ferris says. "I want to hear what he's like."

"Good morning, class. I'm your new principal, Mister Clark." Making no effort to conceal his baseball bat, he continues. "Let's get one thing straight, I'm HNIC of this school now and I will NOT tolerate truancy, drugs, tardiness, or violence! I've tamed schools a thousand times tougher than this prissy suburban pisshole, and NOBODY is going to break my rules."

Clark pauses, "Who's seat is that?" He points to the only empty desk in the classroom.

One of the class dopers answers. "Ferris Bueller's, dude. But I heard from a friend of a girl who lives on his block that he's still out sick. He barfed up a lung or something."

"Bueller," replies Clark as he begins smacking his palm with his baseball bat. "Buuuuuuueller... Follow my rules, and you should live long enough to graduate. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a truant to drag back to class."

As Clark leaves the classroom, Sloane begs Ferris to come to school. "This guy means business, Ferris. Get over here now! Your days off have gone too far, he'll find you out."

"Thanks for the tip, Sloane. But A) You can never go too far and B) if I'm going to get caught, it's not going to be by a guy like that."

So, John, will the educator expel the evader or will the truant take the teacher to town?

Joe Clark, Lean on Me Ferris Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Joe Clark


Ferris Bueller

The Commentary

Note to our readers: On September 12, 1999, HotBranch! and Thinkmaster General
got together in Montreal to bring you this Ground Zero first:
the first ever live WWWF match! Although flash photography was not allowed by the establishment
they patronized, we bring you below an artist's rendition of this groundbreaking event.

Artist's rendition of the historic live WWWF match.

We now take you to a transcript of this live event.

(atmosphere courtesy of McLean's Pub in downtown Montreal)

JOHN: To begin with, HotBranch!, let me point out that it was none other than Ed Rooney who actually caught Ferris Bueller during the movie. The only way he could extricate himself was was to rely on his sister, who I might add, he later slept with! Needless to say, Joe Clark is much tougher than Ed Rooney. Hence one dead Ferris to mount on the den wall.

HOTBRANCH: Incest aside, the only way Rooney "caught" Bueller was to use the brilliant ruse of going to Bueller's house and waiting for him. This, after he combed the entire city of Chicago and missing many a fine opportunity to nab his prey.

JOHN: Well what the hell do you expect someone to do, stay away from his house?

HOTBRANCH: I seriously doubt that Clark will kill Bueller if he does manage to catch him, which he won't. Ferris has the entire city of Chicago to play and hide in. Clark is not from the windy city and will be out of his element. What is the point of waiting at Bueller's house if he won't be there to be caught?

JOHN: Well that is just the answer I expected from a nancy-boy like you. Joe Clark and I are from the streets - it doesn't matter what city we're in, when we're in our element, we live and breathe the streets! We are the night! Ferris is so out of his element on the streets, it's embarrassing.

HOTBRANCH: Out of his element? What the hell are you talking about? He managed to convince a snooty Maitre'D that he was the freaking sausage king of Chicago, fercrissakes! The boy may live in the burbs, but he has street smarts to spare.

JOHN: This is incredible. I know that you and other members of the (makes quotation gesture) media elite like to think that some white bread Midwestern tater tot could blend in with the streets, but let me assure you that your horse-fisting ways are so out of scope here that you might as well give up now.

(stunned silence while HotBranch! tries to figure out how horse-fisting got into this debate)

JOHN: Might I also point out that Joe Clark carries with him a baseball bat, which any wrestling fan will tell you is the highest-order weapon. First there comes fists, then cookie sheets and garbage cans, then finally baseball bats. One swing at Bueller, and it's his head that will be travelling over the foul poles at Wrigley field.

HOTBRANCH: You dare bring wrestling into this match after the pounding those fags took at the hands of boxers? Puhlease. Bueller will simply whip out some Rube Goldberg-like contraption and have Clark tied up with his own intestines from the school flagpole.

JOHN: Let me bring up another point - that of where Joe Clark comes from. Joe Clark says he is "HNIC". Let us take a moment and deconstruct this sentence. (making emphatic Louis Farrakhan gestures) Now what does the HNIC stand for? Well, some might say that it stands for Hockey Night In Canada. Joe Clark is a obviously a genuine Canadian icon. In fact, I would say, Joe Clark for Prime Minister!

HOTBRANCH: If, by icon, you mean small and insignificant, ok. He's an icon...

JOHN: Now HotBranch, I figured you to be soft-headed, and evidently quite smelly, but since when did you feel you had license to betray our people?

HOTBRANCH: I'm only smelly because you threw your damn hot nuts at me! If you plan to waste your breath on a Canadian Prime Minister who was in office for a WHOPPING 9 months and looks best with a Don King hairdo, wake me when you're ready to return to the facts at hand. Clearly, that penile ring around your neck is cutting off oxygen to your brain. A very brave fashion accessory, though. Joe Clark is little more than an auto-bot principal, much like Principal Skinner, and Ferris is infinitely more resourceful than a 10-year old Bart Simpson.

JOHN: I must say, having this debate in person is made much easier owing to the fact that after every one of your arguments you titter and giggle like a little girl. Highly comely. None of which evades the fact that an "automaton" such as Joe Clark will tirelessly pursue Ferris Bueller on his home ground and whack him like the proverbial Springfieldian snake. Speaking of whacked, what exactly are you doing with those onion rings?

HOTBRANCH: Since you insist on avoiding facts and reality - what is that, your twelfth pitcher? I will remind you, with another potent Simpsonian reference, that Superintendent Chalmers freely admits that schools are going to hell in a handbasket. Efficient men like Clark and Skinner are no longer needed.

JOHN: You know, HotBranch, your arguments would have merit if but for two factors: 1) you were me, and 2) if you paid attention to any of the facts here. Bueller openly places himself in jeopardy - in the middle of a Chicago parade, on TV at a Cubs game. Let's face it - inside he's just asking to be caught. And Joe Clark is definitely the right guy to catch him.

HOTBRANCH: Only the truly confident will expose their position to the enemy, in order to lure them away from the safety of their perch. When Clark pokes his head out, BLAMO! Ferris will teach him who's really in charge of the school. This man is clearly deranged and will be fired by the metro-Chicago school board before lunch.

JOHN: Oh yeah, like the Chicago municipal authorities aren't high or loaded all the freaking time. Your karmic brothers and sisters. Let's face it, not everyone lives in the John Hughes-ville that is Westmount, where Anthony Michael-Hall comically comes over to borrow a cup of sugar and ends up snorting it instead and pretending he's high.

HOTBRANCH: Obviously, your drinking buddy and bitch-to-be, Robert Downey Jr, has taught you some new tricks... Finally, I have to question Clark's sanity and intelligence. This is the man who expelled Opus the Penguin from a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model-filled heaven when he had a near-death experience. What have penguins ever done bad?

JOHN: Your arguments are as completely without merit as you are without cash. Why the hell do I always end up paying the check? Let's see if we can get the waitress with the nice rack over here.

HOTBRANCH: Still evading the facts. Why don't you just roll over and give up now? The waitress might take pity on you. She might even share your hot nuts...

Paul Golba, the illustrious Ground Zero Grand Poobah,
thought so highly of the school system that he suggested this matchup.

The Results

Ferris Bueller (567 - 63.8%)

strikes out the bat-weilding

Joe Clark (322 - 36.2%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

Voter Comments


Gold Grudgie

The current score has Ferris Bueller leading Joe Clark by a score of 102 to 65. I had no idea rectal-cranial inversion was running so rampantly. If you think that Ferris has any chance (cue "No Chance in Hell...) against Batman, then you are obvioiusly in need of a reality check:

1. Joe Clark was a principal in the inner city, facing down gangbangers, dope fiends, and worst of all, the Indifferent, Stodgy School Board of Doom. Ferris' opponent? Ed Rooney??? The Team Rocket of Principal-dom? Come on...

2. Ferris Bueller=Matthew Broderick. Ooooh, I'm scared. Whatcha gonna do, reprogram my computer, Project X boy? Or defeat Godzilla, who as we all saw, jobbed horribly in the WWWF Grudge Tournament of Champions. Joe Clark=Morgan Freeman. Red in the Shawshank Redemption. 'Nuff said.

3. The match takes place in Chicago and the surrounding area. This is a bit more ambiguous, so bear with me. Being a native, I can tell you that the Chicago area is diverse. REALLY diverse. You may think you've seen diversity before, but that's just peanuts compared to how mixed up this city is. 5 minutes away from the Magnificent Mile, you have the worst slums in the Western Hemisphere... let's see Ferris survive Robert Taylor Homes. Joe Clark, being a master of survival, can easily elude a few racist cops in Homewood-Flossmoor, however.

4. Enemies, enemies, ENEMIES! You forget, Ferris has a major rival in PARKER LEWIS! NOT TO MENTION ZACK MORRIS! You think they're not gonna turn him in? I refer you to ancient Rome, and the Triumvirate. Look it up. No one is crazy enough to oppose Joe Clark when is in a killin' mood.

There you have it. Ferris is a great slacker, no doubt... but for the rest of this semester, he'll be listening to every single one of Ben Stein's economics lectures... in a full body cast.

- Todd Evil

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie

Ferris Bueller, aside from that whole pesky "icon of a generation" schtick he's got (truly, he represents the last time Matthew Broderick was ever cool in any capacity), is from that same generic, well-off Chicago suburb that John Hughes sets all his movies in. That, a 'phone book, and a fair amount of money stolen from his sister are the only things he needs to survive this match.

Joe Clark arrives at the Bueller residence, easily detecting and destroying the "Hi this is Ferris I'm horribly sick with the Ebola virus" recording at the front door. However, upon entering the front hall, Clark discovers that destroying the recording was the trigger for an elaborate trap involving swinging paint cans, and takes one to the skull. Now, enraged and dazed with pain, Clark proceeds to search the house, encountering slippery floors, glue-laced staircases, toy-strewn hallways, and an intricate gauntlet of terrifying traps that would make Lara Croft turn tail and run like hell.

When he finally reaches the top floor, at 2:59 pm, just before Chicago high schools let out for the day, he roars "BUELLER! YOUR ASS IS MINE!" Clutching his now-broken baseball bat, he smashes through the last door--

-- and discovers it wasn't a door at all, but a cleverly disguised window. Clark falls two stories onto a trampoline, bounces into the air, and lands in the neighbors' yard, complete with the Rottweiler that nearly ate Rooney the day before. Clark, with only a broken bat to defend himself, fares about as well as Rooney did.

Back in the Bueller residence...

Kevin McAllister dials his cell phone. "Ferris? He's finished."

"Good job, Kevin. I'll pay you off when I get back from the Cubs game."

"Cool." McAllister shuts down the 'phone. "Do you give up, Clark? Or are you thirsty for more?"

- Thomas Wilde

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie

Impressive. You have learned much since the last two matches.

I believe Mr. Stein said it best: "Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?" Hell, yeah, it's gonna be Ferris.

Why would this student of skipping be victorious? Simple.

He doesn't give a damn. This psycho not only decided to skip school, he went to some of the most obvious places in the city of Chicago, and he still got away with it! His father's favorite restaurant, where he imitated the sausage king of Chicago and got his highly neurotic friend to imitate a police officer? Getting his girlfriend to flirt with his father? *shudder* Catching a fly ball at Wrigley Field with cameras splattered all over the place? Overtaking a parade float, playing a song that everyone gets into, and the police still do nothing about it? This kid has a devil-may-care attitude and almost Indiana Jones"-like luck. What does Joe Clark have? A baseball bat. Oooo, I'm scared. Most likely, Ferris will have another scheme cooked up where the entire city of Chicago is rooting for him, and any opposition will be met by a bloodthirsty mob chanting "Save Ferris! Save Ferris!" and hungry for the asshole who would try to beat that poor young angel.

End scene? Ferris drives to Vegas in a Jag with Sloane and Cameron in tow, as the man who screwed with the Robin Hood legend drives away in shame with some wierd, geeky girl offering him warm Gummi Bears. You don't screw with Robin Hood, man. And you don't screw with Ferris Bueller.

- Tracer Malone

Who's going to win? Who knows. All I know is, the real definition of HNIC will never last in today's Politically Correct World(TM). Therefore, I've come up with alternatives:
Hardly New In Class
Hearty Newts Indicate Crabs
He's Not In Connecticut
Heavy kNitting Independent Crackers
Heat-seeking Nukes In Croatia (OK, so this one isn't much more PC. So sue me.)
Hardy-Boy Novels Inundate China
Hog Night In Cincinnatti
Hot Nachos Immolate Children
Herbert kNows It's Cold
Hurl? No, I Can't.
Heaven kNows I'm Cruel
oH No, It's Carbonated!
Hillbilly Neurosurgeons, I Crap! (Don't ask.)
Harvard's Not It, Caleb.

Okay. I'll stop now before I cause any serious damage, to myself or otherwise.

- Vermin Boy

I voted for Joe Clark because I hate Matthew Broderick. Perhaps if Joe Clark takes him down in 1986 we won't have to put up with Godzilla or Inspector Gadget.

- Or Project X or The Road to Wellville or...

I gotta go with the hometown hero in this match: Ferris Bueller. As anyone who has ever been to Chicago knows - you better know where you are when you're downtown. Sure... Chicago has it's North/South roads and East/West roads, but it's the diagonals that kill you. Once Bueller has Pricipal Clark actually on Clark St, Joe won't know whether he's going North or West.

Never mind knowing how to handle the drawbridges over the Chicago River.

Nor, for that matter, trying to figure out if he's on I 90, whether he is on the Kennedy Expressway, the Tri-State or the Ike (or maybe Dan Ryan) and why it's backed up at "The Extention" making for an hour and a half drive time.

Hands down, it's Bueller who's climbing the steps at the Natural History Museum, arms raised in a Rocky-esque pose, ready to take on much lamer material - like Godzilla or maybe Inspector Gadget.


- Hurricane Andrew

This match is basically upper-class, spoiled, baby-faced white boy versus a Tough as Nails, bad ass, baseball-bat weilding Black Man with facial hair.

Mr. Clark (if I called him anything but Mr. Clark, he'd break my nose)lives in the mean streets. Ferret-Boy Bueler lives on the upper-east side. Mr. Clark must obviously have connections with the crime community, he knows names and faces.

Mr. Clark calls Samuel L. Jackson:

Mr. Clark: "Hey yo, Jules! My man downtown!"

Mr. Jackson: "YO! Whassup Mr. Clark?" (see? even Samuel L. Jackson gives the guy respect)

MC: "I've got a runner here, my man."

SLJ: "No problem, bro. What you want done about it?"

MC: "I'm prepared to scour the earth for that motherf***er. If Ferris goes to Indochina, I want a nigga wanting in a bowl of rice to cap his ass."

SLJ: "You ain't got no problems Mr. Clark. I'm on the motherf***er. Go back in there, and chill them niggas out. Wait for the calvary which should arrive shortly."

So you see, it doesn't really matter how many parades he hides in or how many clever mind games Ferris tries to play. He tries that whole snoring mannequin bit, Mr. Jackson just shoots the hell out of the mannequin. Ferris tries to hide out in a parade. Mr. Jackson shoots the hell out of the stupid little guys in their stupid little animal suits.

In the end, Samuel L. Jackson corners Ferris, and either swears at him until he cries, or shoots the hell out of him. Either way, He's going to screw both Ferris' sister and his girlfriend. Maybe He'll shoot that neurotic friend of his in the Wings jersey too. Then he'll shoot Charlie Sheen.

The bottom line is, a movie that was once rated PG-13 and enjoyed by millions of spoiled kids in the 80's, is now rated NC-17 and can be enjoyed by millions of spoiled kids in the 90's.

God Bless Joe Clark.

- The Black Goat

I voted for Ferris, but that's only because all he has to do to win is keep the hell away from Mr. Clark. All he has to do is run around Chicago, or better yet, planet Earth (Tell me Ferris 'Infinite Improbability' Bueller can't hijack a plane. Hell, that boy could hijack a goddamn space shuttle if he wanted) and Clark can't keep up with him.

However, the Laws of Grudge Match (tm) state very clearly that all grudge matches must end in only one way: DEATH

No matter what, it's gonna end with a bloodbath. And who has the fighting edge? Clark, that's who. He's pissed. He doesn't take crap. He carries a baseball bat. And he comes from the single most rage-and- insanity-causing job in the world: Prime Minister of Canada.

Think about it. William Lyon MacKenzie King only held the job for 10 years because he was a raving lunatic to start with. Jean Chretien beat the holy crap out a student protester. What kind of protester? Student! The difference between that guy and the uberstudent Bueller isn't much. Clark only had the job for 9 months, but he's gotta be tainted.

Bueller can't fight. He's not built for it. He's a little guy, who can run like hell, but in a close-combat fight? Not even close.

So, I imagine THE END will go something like this.

(Somewhere near Japan)

BUELLER: Geez, I hope I can find a phone soon so I can call Sloan and Cameron. Hey, little bald guy, you got a phone?

MONK: Hotbranchee wa baka. (Ancient chanting)

BUELLER: Darn. Ah well, I won't let it bug me. Hey, you know Kung Fu?

MONK: Hai, Gaijin. (Yes, little lily-white boy)

BUELLER: Think you could teach me?

MONK: (shakes head)

BUELLER: How come?

MONK: Jonnee wa baka-sama (You won't live long enough. I can see the future, you know.)

MONK walks back to the monastery, Ohmmming along, leaving BUELLER behind.

BUELLER: Live long and prosper, little guy.

(BUELLER turns, looking into the mists of the mountains. Suddenly, a shape appears in the mists.)

CLARK (Sounding like Death): FERRIS. BUELLER.

BUELLER: Whoa, don't you ever give up?

(CLARK walks out of the mists. He's soaking wet, his clothes are torn and the bat is still dripping with the blood of Frenchmen he beat the crap out of a few countries back.)


BUELLER: You should really relax, man, chill out. I mean...

(Before Bueller can finish his inspirational speech, he gets blindsided by Clark's bat. BUELLER, still cheerful as hell, topples off the mountain.)

BUELLER (in mid-air): I'll survive this, you know.


(CLARK pulls out a handgun he confiscated and shoots Bueller multiple times. Bueller gapes as he falls into the chasm, his luck finally run dry. CLARK carves another notch on his bat.

CLARK (really cool silhouette shot, him against the setting asian sun): IT IS FINISHED. (returns to normal voice) Damn, it took me half a year to do that. They've probably got a new principal by now.

(CLARK trudges down the mountain)

(Back at Shermer, chaos. Cannibal gangs run amok, scool supplies are used as weapons in fights for cafeteria foods, the teachers are gutted and shown as war trophies

SCREECH: Mister Belding! HELLLLPP!!!


Bonus trivia-points to both of you for mentioning Opus and the Canadian MP effect.

- Morton "Sloan Petersen was hotter n' a tamale" von Buggery

This is not really a match of evasion, as both characters have shown that they rush to the limelight like a mosquito to a bug zapper.

I cite Ferris' "Shake it Up Baby" scene and Joe's "They used to call me Crazy Joe, now they call me Batman!" scene as proof of the above statement.

This match will quickly degenerate into Ferris and Joe simply trying to outshine one another for the oohing and aahing WWWF fans.

I predict a slow and lingering death for both from overexposure.

For the love of god, stop the madness. Nothing good can come from this.

- GoWhalers

Joe Clark will win this hands down. The reason: Joe Clark used to be a United States Marine, one of the toughest type of people there is. Throughout their history, the soldiers of the USMC have almost always prevailed against formidable opposition. Ferris, on the other hand, is a smarter than average teenager with no combat or military experience. He will not last long in this bout.

Not only is Joe Clark a Marine, his dislike for taking orders from the board of education indicates that he has no regard for the "chain of command". In all armed services, the first thing that is pounded into a soldier's skull is the importance of always obeying your superiors without question. Given the fact that, despite the USMC's drill instructors and other training techniques, Joe Clark doesn't fully accept the chain of command concept indicates that he is *extremely* tough and resolute, even by USMC standards. An insubordinate Marine who survived his time is super tough and no teenager is going to get the best of him.

Semper Fi!

- The Demented Astronomer

"Bueller, eh?" Clark consults his long Louieville Slugger as he strolls down the hall nonchalantly. "No one tampers with the school system except me."

"Wow, this guy really is a hardass," Ferris thinks to himself as he peeks in through one of the windows. "Geez, if I wasn't myself today I would be worried."

Clark's intentions are of course malicious. As the principal strides toward the office, his shoes clack across the linoleum. He cofidently swings his bat as it shatters the glass of the trophy case. Large gold statuettes hit the floor coupled with bits of shrapnel.

"Hey! Clarky Boy!" A voice echoes through the corridors.

Joe's eyes slink around. The boy is somewhere around here. Why did he come? He thinks. It didn't matter... He now had proof he played hookey and now punition awaited.

"Hey Joey, let's see if you can swing that thing as well as you say!"

Clark turns the corner. A blur of white glazes his vision and he is struck a blow to the head. He drops onto his back and loses consciousness.

Ferris Bueller chuckles as he picks his Major League baseball from the principal's forehead. "How I abhor violence," Ferris tries to convince himself. "I think I still might be sick. I don't know... I don't want to risk it." He places a quarter-full bottle of tequila in Joe's open hand. He casually throws the ball into the air as he exits the school.

Joe is found several hours later. The superintendant is enraged. "Good God! I thought I found a disciplinarian to get these kids in check, but instead I see him flat on his ass on the sauce!" He calls across the hall. "GRACE! Get Rooney on the phone! We need him back! And see if you can find another replacement for the faculty while you're at it!"

The next day...

"Hello, I'm your new teacher. Wait.... who sits in that empty seat there?"

"Ferris Bueller, man. Heard he's, like, super-sick. I think he's on the throes of death, or something."

"Sick, eh? Well, no one crosses Mrs. Tingle and gets away with it. Stay here, class."

Another day in the life of Ferris Bueller.

- Charge Man

What, did you folks just feel the need to create a huge friggin' gap in power levels and see by how much the winner would win?

Okay. Let's compare the two.


Joe Clark: High School from hell. Weapons, drugs, death, nuclear weapons (hey, they didn't show them, but you KNOW they had 'em)...and he slapped them down and pushed them out of the school. Cripes! That's one fearless mofo.

Ferris Bueller: High-income household. Friend with primo vehicle. Punk. No actual survival skills in a world with any skepticism at all. WEAPONS

Joe Clark: Baseball bat. BIG FRIGGIN' BEATING STICK!!! What else needs to be said?

Ferris Bueller: His wit. Which, as I recall, mostly consisted of imitations and disguises that wouldn't fool anyone who didn't ride the short bus to school.


Joe Clark: School full of misfits, druggies, psychopaths, and people that would happily MARCH ON A JAIL for him.

Ferris Bueller: Cameron, neurotic halfwit.


Joe Clark: Rid the school from hell of all unwanted influence.

Ferris Bueller: Stopped by Rooney's hand...on the door. His sister...his *sister*...had to save him. If she hadn't had a change of heart, he would have been so much more mud on the bottom of Rooney's shoe.

Bueller returns to school, looking like a red-headed stepchild, and never misses another day again...due to the fact that he's now Joe Clark's personal bitch.

- Istanbul

"Go go Gadget..."
Naw, I won't use that reference. I just want Matthew Broderick to get stepped on by a giant green radioactive ex-husband-of-Pammy-Lee-Anderson.
Say, then there's another angle... If Ferris found himself a fake mustache and whispy little gotee-looking-thing to glue onto his face, he could stand up to Joe and start barking (in that wimpy voice of his), "At attention, private! I order you to salute your commanding officer! Now, about-face! March! Doubletime!" Something in Morgan Freeman would snap, and he'd revert to another role he played the same year, where he was under the command of Broderick.
Ferris Bueller could order him to march right into traffic, and there you have it. Schoooool's out for summer! Schooool's out for-ever!
Although, Broderick DID die at the end of Glory... Ah, a happy ending.

- MonkeyDog

i voted for ferris to win this SMALL BATTLE in this war. eventually someone will win. IT WILL NOT BE FERRIS! sorry i grew up watching his exploits to and am inclined to go his way but as we all know deep down inside. this titanic battle of wits will end with brad pitt screaming "whats in the box?" pointing the gun at the wrong guy. newsflash, THAT WAS FERRIS' HEAD IN THAT BOX! sorry to burst anyones bubble but thats what im here for.

- that guy that you know

If Morgan Freeman is good enough to catch the serial killer in Seven (by the clever use of Brad Pitt), surely he has the capacity to track down Matthew Broderick. Besides, he was also smart enough to let Broderick get shot first in Glory.

- tuffy

Clark's tougher than he first appears. Didn't he manage to capture psychos in both "Kiss the Girls" and "Se7en"? Obviously a force to be reckoned with. Forget that baseball bat, Clark's packing heat. Ferris's friends and relatives will be be no help: Jeanie's out getting her nose severely trimmed and then has a date with Patrick Swayze; Cameron is too busy kissing the mayor's ass; and Mia Sara . . . obviously fell into the same dimensional rift as F. Murray Abraham, since nobody's heard a word about her for years.

But just as Clark corners our favorite truant and levels his gun, Ferris shouts "Go, go, gadget copter!" and a rotor sprouts from his head and he is GONE! And that rumbling noise behind Clark seems to be . . . Godzilla! SMOOSH! The "Head Lizard in Charge" makes street pizza out of Clark. Ferris goes on to marry the seductive Sarah Jessica Parker and lives happily ever after. . . .

- Deacon

Some basic facts to sort out:

1)Parker Lewis Can't Loose.

2)Ferris Bueller's Day Off Inspired the short-lived show of the aforementionned name.

3)As all television that is based even loosely on a movie is inherently inferior (ie. The light from the movie's quality level takes a billion years to reach the level of the television show), Ferris Bueller is better than Parker Lewis.

Ergo, if Parker Lewis Can't Lose and Ferris Bueller is better than Parker Lewis, what other fate can be in store for Mr. Joe Clark than his ultimate destruction?

- Martin

Bueller will win this, for three main reasons:

1. I forgot who Joe Clark was, in spite of having watched Lean on Me TWICE during my middle school days. I will NEVER forget Bueller.

2. Bueller is Matthew Broderrick, who was that 133t hacker kid in WarGames, as well as (More recently) Inspector Gadget.

3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off had Ben Stein in it. NO ONE associated with the great Benjamin J. Stein will EVER lose a Grudge Match. As an example of Ben's greatness, me and this kid in my homeroom who has nothing in common with me (Well, almost nothing) BOTH LOVE Ben's classic "Bueller?". Bueller, very quickly.

- Dark Fact

Who the hell are these guys? Oh well the teacher dude looks sorta like Mr T will when hes old and the kid kinda looks like that one kid from Wonder Years. Simply put hes gonna get thrown! Well, I donna no. Problaby not. But it would be cool won't it. And anyways suburban kids are generally wusses compared to city boyz. I'm originally from downtown LA(The only white boy on the block too) and lets see the worst threat I ever faced in the suburbs was a mouthy gothic kid who I took in four seconds flat, and my bitchy ex-girlfriend who tried to kick my ass as well (I didn't hit her being a gentleman I simply showed her no way could she kick my ass)and finally a lame-o in a yellowjacket who I simply pushed down to the floor and kicked once or twice. City boyz, even white city boyz whup ass on suburban kids anyday! In LA the worst threat I faced was a guy breaking into our house. While I was in it. Not good. Scary as hell. I know you people think things like f@cking tough-talk or PMS( Please it only works on the esmasucalated masses who claim to be men but really aren't, I know) or the diss are scary but a pyscho coming into your house with a gun blows that away. The remember the cops going in after him. Mr T was from the city and look how tough he is. He was the toughest man in tha world for a whole decade!!!! If he was immune to aging he still would be the toughest man alive. The bottom line is this: the city man will cut the candy-ass so fast when his blood spills it'll still be BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

- Captain Demento

There are three ways to look at this fight:

1) Ferris Bueller vs. Joe Clark

2) Matthew Broderick vs. Morgan Freeman

3) Skinny Smart-Ass White Boy vs. Angry Black Man With Baseball Bat

Ferris Bueller has reason to know fear! Pray for him.

- Don "King" Milliken

Although I hate Ferris Bueller and think he's a punk, I imagine he'll win this one.

When I see Morgan Freeman, the toughest part I've seen him play (aside from HNIC) was Robin Hood's Moorish sidekick. Now if that story were played in the 20th century, he'd be considered an Islamic fundamentalist and be all chummy with nuts like the Taliban, Osama bin Laden, Yassir Arafat, Muammar Qaddafi, and Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, he's out and about driving Miss Daisy.

Ferris has not only been a truant, but he has brought the world to the threshold of Global Thermonuclear War, and he hunts giant lizards in his spare time. And if either of you gentlemen(?) have been paying any attention to American news, you'd know the totally depraved levels our schoolchildren are hitting. They're blasting away everything and everyone in sight!

School's out for Bueller.

- TGF(aS)KA Eddie

This can only be determined by the "Law of Sequels". But which movie is this a sequel to?

A sequel, by design, must:
a) have a higher body count
b) have a higher budget
c) pay higher salaries to the stars
d) leave a loophole open for yet another sequel.

You just can't sell soul-searching commentaries about the condition of school's anymore, nobody cares. So, this must be yet another light hearted comedy starring ol' Ferris. FBDO II can't end without an opening for FBDO III, and that means that the principal is bound to lose.


I may be alone in this, but I think coolness factor here will be the deciding factor, and who, I ask, is cooler than Ferris Bueller (hey that rhymes! tee hee)? Anyway...

Ferris Bueller's Day Off may be one of the great movies of the 80's, and let's admit it, we all wanted to be Ferris Bueller. His girlfriend was Mia Sara, his sister was hot (like he never spied her in the shower like I want to, sure), he had it made. I wanted to be him, and so did everyone else.

Who wants to be Joe Clark? No way can he beat the (dare I say it? Yes, I dare!) Mentos-level coolness of Ferris in this one.

- Adam B.

Agreed: Yes Joe Clark an "auto-bot?" "Just Like Principal Skinner?" Did anyone make sure that HotBranch knows who Joe Clark is? The man chained the doors closed in clear violation of the Fire Code and left them that way even after being informed several times that it was patently illegal. If Skinner came a cross a red light in the middle of the Sahara desert at 2am he would wait for two days for it to turn green if necessary. The man wouldn't know initiative if it bit him in the hiney and couldn't rebel for the sake of a principal even if his mother and Superintendent Chalmers were both on the sidelines cheering him on. Having met the Real Joe Clark (TM) I think he'd be justified in taking his baseball bat to Canada and giving HotBranch a little "adjustment".

- Hatter (no I'm not Mad)

Since when does a principal take roll in a classroom? That's the teacher's job. Clark didn't replace Rooney; he replaced Ben Stein. (While that explains why Stein has enough time for his own program, it does NOT explain why he has $5000 for someone to win.)

It don't matter how many bats you're carrying; you ain't gonna make economics exciting. (Grammar neither.)

Joe Clark has a much more difficult task ahead of him than finding Ferris. He needs to keep his economics class awake.

More power to him on that!

- Mark Wentz

"Room 44, on the 4th floor. Oh, and can I have your autograph?" was the response from the duty nurse. Ferris Bueller smiles, and signs his name in the nurses little book. "Oh, and someone else asked for that room a few minutes ago", adds the nurse.

Ferris rides the elevator to the fourth floor, wanting to visit his buddy Cameron, who was hospitalized after his father beat the crap out of him for wrecking his treasured car. As he exits the elevator onto the fourth floor, he can hear Cameron being interrogated by none other than Joe Clark.

"You tell me where Bueller is, boy, or I'll make your high school life a living hell!" screams Clark.

"*gasp* *gurgle* *pffht*", says Cameron.

"Okay, your not going to answer me? Fine. Your expelled from school, son. Don't ever let me see you in my hallways again." says Clark.

Meanwhile, Ferris Bueller has swiped a lab coat and stethoscope, and enters the room to check up on Cameron. Joe Clark has no idea who the doctor really is. "Sir, you need to leave now, the patient needs his rest." says Bueller.

"I'll deal with you later!" says Clark, as he marches from the room. He gets all the way to the elevators before he realizes that the doctor looked exactly like his mug-shot of Ferris Bueller. "That dirty little mutha!" Running and a little out of breath, he arrives back at room 44 and grabs the "doctor" by the neck, and practically carries him back to school.

"Not bad for a days work, eh?" he asks his secretary. "So, Mr. Bueller, you think you can cut class in my school, think again!"

"Uh, Mr. Clark, err, thats not Ferris Bueller." says the dingy secretary. He spins the "doctor" around to find out that it's not Ferris Bueller, but a real doctor.

At that instant, a swat team storms into the principals office and tries to arrest Joe Clark for kidnapping. A brief struggle ensues, and Mr. Clark gets shot resisting arrest.

As he's carted off to the hospital (with a police officer in the ambulance) he notices that Ferris Bueller himself is driving.

- artman

Ferris Bueller may be hot stuff against the incompetants he's used to, but now he's up against one who has proclaimed himself to be Batman. And while Principal Clark may not look like Bruce Wayne, this no doubt means the world's greatest detective has merely come up with a truly exceptional disguise in order to track down Mr. Bueller. And whatever reason the Dark Knight may have had to chose to go to such lengths to track down a mere truant student, the fact remains that against the crimefighting genius that regularly defeats the likes of Joker, the Riddler, and Two-Face no mere boy like Ferris Bueller can hope to prevail. This one ain't going to be a two-parter issue...

- "Mad Dog" Mike

Based on your past matches and the fact that the boxers won the last round, I have to say that you all work for Don King. Despite the fact that Ferris Bueller has no chance to win on his own, Joe Clark takes a dive in the first round. Score 1 for Don King and 1 against democracy, you bastards!

- Al B. Tross

Let's see...

Joe Clark was a New Jersey high school principal. He was Prime Minister of Canada.

"Ferris Buellar's Day Off" is J. Danforth Quayle's favorite movie.

Joe Clark actually lost his office to a man with a French name.

OK, history has to decide. Quayle could have been leader of the USA. Clark was leader of Canada. The US tried to invade Canada in 1812 and Canada won.

Clark bats Buellar out of school and off the cliffs too.

- Renfield Turnbull

Joe Clark easy. There are two reasons for this. First, he is a big bad a$$. Bueller was played by the same guy that later ended up in the evil remake of Godzilla. [Let us never speak of that again].

Second, Clark has one of the clearest cases of the RAGE(TM) I have ever seen. He is a black man. Bueller is an evil white male(TM). I shall not go into detail of the sins of the evil white male, but according to revisionist historians, feminists, etc. everywhere they are: inventing slavery, oppressing every minority ever known to man, war itself, etc. Now as any sane person will tell you, this just ain't so. Howver, a person suffering from the RAGE(TM) ain't gonna listen to no logic no matter how true it is. If Bueller makes a stright beeline for Siberia, I'll give him a 10% chance of mere survival.

PS. I am one of the "evil white males"(TM). However, I am ALSO a 2nd generation American with a large amount of Eastern European in me. I think that deserves a scholarship. I also think I deserve an apology from those aforementioned feminist, etc groups for being blamed for the Civil War, cause my ancestors WRE NOT around. Sorry about that, but I have a real problem with this white male root of all evil thing. The feminists vs some white males would make a damn good grudge match.....

- Nazgul

I didn't even bother to read the commentary, as scintillatingly wonderful as I'm sure it was. Ferris will win because I like him and I say he will. So there. Matthew Broderick is really cute, and really rocked in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. He also rocked, I might add, in the Lion King, the Cable Guy (which was a good movie, darnit), Biloxi Blues, and several dreams I had that I'm not going to tell you about. Try to beat that, boys.

- The CABLE GUY was a good movie! It was just dark! You people all went expecting a light sappy little Jim Carrey giggle-fest and you were just pissed 'cause it was a dark comedy! YOU'RE JUST BITTER !

Ferris has the entire city of Chicago at his disposal, right? Well, I think he'd try to hide in the one Chicago location even Joe Clark might fear to tread -- The set for The Jerry Springer Show!! In the morning, Ferris can hide out among the lesbian midget vampires, but in the afternoon's taping, Jerry will throw him a curve. On a show entitled "My School-Skipping Boyfriend Needs a Makeover!", Sloane Peterson will emerge and Ferris will be forced to join her on stage. Under normal circumstances, Ferris would be safe, but Joe Clark just happens to catch a glimpse of the show as he's flipping between coverage of the local parade and the White Sox game. Enraged, Clark hastens to the Springer Studio and charges the stage. The security guards are backstage trying to console a guy whose girlfriend left him for a gazelle. Clark hauls Bueller back to school, where spends the day listening to the monotonous voice of Ben "Win My Money" Stein.

But Jerry Springer books Clark for next week's show: I'm a Bat-Swinging Teacher, But I Want To Be A Stereotyped Chauffeur For An Old, White Lady.

- 1/2 Nelson

ferris will win this one by default, since joe clark will be in jail before the fight can begin. here's what happened: the week before, a drug deal was taking place on the roof of the school. the dealer and buyer then witnessed clark dragging a crying student to the top of the roof and threatening to throw him off. it was reported, clark was thrown in jail, and not even ferris organizing the entire school to sing "danka-shien" (sp) outside the prison will get clark off. so ferris by default. clark, meanwhile, is sent to prison where he builds a reputation as a man who "knows how to get things," serves 40 years of a life sentance, breaks parole, and retires to the coast of mexico.

- d.g.

Lets eximine the contestants.....

Joe Clark: Psycho principal with a near Shaft-like penchant for violence.

Ferris Bueller: The ultimate conman

now Ferris will do a good job of staying away from the principal, but eventually Mr. Clark will catch up with him. Normally Ferris would be dead at this point, but In the past he claimed that he was Batman.........for this transgression, one of 2 things will happen

a) The lawyers for DC comics will come in and sue Mr. Clark and the entire school district for trademark infringement. They will win, and the district will collapse finnancially and shut down, ensuring that Ferris will never return to school

b) Batman will find out that this principal is using his name.....and whould YOU want to be in Mr. Clarks shoes when Bruce "The man to whom a broken spine is a recoverable injury" Wayne comes a gunning for him?......I didn't think so.

- Amish Commando

It is my experiance that the young will always find a way to outsmart the old, and even if they can't outsmart them, they can be obnoxious enough to cause the old to throw their hands up in irritation and leave the general area.

Besides.. Hotbranch! likes Ferris, and that's good enough for me.

- Virdilak, loyal follower of Hotbranch!

I gotta go with Joe Clark because Morgan Freeman is smarter than Matthew Broderick. I know this because he stayed away from that Godzilla "movie."

- Budo

OK, Let's compare our two Contestants:


Bueller: White as in The same type of kids who went postal in Littleton +1 Ferris

Clark: African American, He has the Black Rage(tm) and a baseball bat +1 Clark

Co-Starring Actors:

Bueller: Had the Almighty Ben Stein as his history teacher +1 Ferris

Clark: Had Lynn "Where the hell is Carmen Sandego" Thigpen in Lean On Me. no points for Clark

Grudge Match Preceident:

Bueller: No Precedent

Clark: Doomed by Lynn Thigpen She was the Cheif in the PBS Show "Where in the World Is Carmen Sandeigo" Carmen Lost to Waldo -1 Clark


Final Score: Bueller, 2 Clark, 1

Bueller escapes the Principal from hell, But is caught the next day By Clark and is sent to Mr. T's Boot Camp For Stupid Fools Who Cut School. Ferris wins the Battle, but loses the war, as Mr. T uses him for a punching bag (literally) when he tries his sick routine on the T Man

- Howling Mad Murdock, Famous Film Director on the one hand here, we have an intimidating schoolmeister type badass and on the other a fast-talking, quick- thinking student skiver, AND YOU NEED US TO TELL YOU WHO IS GOING TO WIN?!?!?

Do you ever actually READ the matches you so deftly arrange? The Grudgees are typically student or post student anarchists who's idea of a perfest school day is to have the building burn down..preferably with the teachers and a select number of students still within. Now. Which choice of contestant does this profile tend to favour?

If, by the end of reading this response you still feel that there is the remotest possible chance that the meister will win, please follow these simple steps:

1. Put on some clean underwear 2. Go to a major traffic junction and 3. Wait 'till the lights go green

This course of action would idealy remove any threat to civilization as we know it. If, on the other hand, there IS a Teacher Jihad who have swung the match with some last minute stuffing (of votes..notheing kinky, i promise)i apologise most prefusely for your death.

- Guildenstern the Analyst.

What I wouldn't give for this movie to be made.......

- Peanuts "Not another "Land Before Time" sequel" Pat

If I were Clark, I'm not (thank God!) but bear with me, I would go straight to the record on Bueller in the school computer to see how much he has been absent. Now at the begining of Ferris Bueller's Day Off we see Ferris change the record over the internet. Once Clark has done this he will A)call Ferris's mom (nope!) or B)go after Ferris (yup). But by the time he finds Ferris's home he will have been searching for seven hours, and thus will have given Ferris the unbeatable excuse of, "Duh, it's after school." End of story.

- Bubba

Don't know who either are so I'll take stock of it with my own way.

1. Ass Beating Factor

Clark:City dude. All people from the city will run rampant over those who ain't. I be from LA myself gots loyality involved here man.

Bueller:Subuarban kid. lol.

2.Cool Black Guy Factor:Face it the cool black guy (with a helluva attitude) on almost any TV show or movie has to be scripted to win win cause otherwise the excutives could be accussed of racisim by blacks. Especially against a white kid Eg:Mr T, Will Smith etc.

3.Good VS Evil

Clark:Seems like the type who teaches kids to try to make something of themselves, stay in school and be somebody and not somebody's fool (Required Mr T reference)

Bueller:Teaches kids to skip school and waste life away. Somebody's foo'

4.Uh, the T-factor:Over the years I've learned that on these crazy sites anything connected with T WINS. Clark sorta looks like T while Bueller looks that dweeb from "Wonder Years"

Winner:The teacher guy

- Captain Demento (Whos glad he don't live in downtown LA no more where he was tha only white kid on the block)

Clark is a tough administraitor, and Ferris is truely the Golden Boy, but...

In my opintion there simply would be no fight. Clark is in no way as pissed at Ferris as Roony was and Clark has more important things to do that chase Ferris. Clark would see the good kid in Ferris and ignore his attendance problem. I mean look at all the good he does at his school, Clark would probably see Ferris' talent and recruit him for his own projects. Ferris wins by default!!!

- Iyojin

_Ferris_ was released in '86. The kid's been playing hooky for 13 years. At the moment, he's skipping out on his doctoral defence in advanced slacking studies.

- martinl

As Thinkmaster General commented, Joe Clark is a Canadian icon, in his own stupid way...anyone that can sell us out to the Americans and still be more well-liked than Brian Mulroney must be pretty damn smart. Smarter than Ferris Bueller.

<sarcasm> Plus, he's a Canadian general, and Canadian generals are always right. </sarcasm>

- Eimi the Paranoid Android

I don't claim that this is going to be funny, but no matter how the voters may wish to deny it, it is true: Either the things said and portrayed about Joe Clark are true, or they're not.

If they are, the man is Badder Than Shaft(TM),and that means he is one bad mutha- I'd better just shut my mouth, even though I was just talking about Shaft, who's a complicated man...Where was I? Oh yeah, Joe Clark.

If they're not true, than he's been made into a legend. A legend beats a John Hughes character every day of the week and twice on Sundays, with an extra smiting thrown in for Yom Kippur atonement purposes.

Bueller disappears into permanent detention faster than a Big Mac disappears on Air Force One.

- Mr. Silverback- That'll learn ya.

Joe Clark is going to Chicago with a baseball bat. This makes him very much like Sammy Sosa, a man second only to Mark McGuire. Assuming Ferris Bueller is not Mark McGuire, he can expect to recieve a generous portion of Smack Down.


Now we all know that in the WWWF, the characters can bring in other friends that the actors have encountered, and they gain all the powers that the actors that played them may have had. Therefore, Joe Clark will die, as Ferris tries to get away. Here's how:
As we all know, Matthew Broderick played Inspector Gadget. As Clark heads for Ferris, Ferris will shout "Go-go-gadget Copter!" Of course, in traditional Gadget style, his body will use four long range anti-tank missles, thus blowing the hapless Joe Clark to pieces. It is then that the Chief reveals that he was a MAD Agent! "All in a days work, Chief! I'm always on duty!" And Ferris, Penny, and Brain ride off in the Gadgetmobile, Ferris again missing school successfully.

- Kopper Golyathe, will get you next time Gadget, NEXT TIME!

Just a point, you should always support the underdog. Joe Clark's much missed reign as PM here in Canada was shorter than most pregnancies. He deserves a shot at running a high school.

I'm also glad to see someone has finally turned onto the plot of Penguins! Flightless my a&&!!! They're the true power behind things! When they say things are going to the birds, they really mean the penguins! They were the ones masterminding everything, you know...Hitchcock's The Birds...written by a penguin!!.....They're everywhere....that Maitre' a penguin suit....We all know the Simpsons wouldn't lie to us, with doom impending on Springfield, we all saw, CAPTURED ON TAPE; the penguins at the zoo fly away to safety! Whose paranoid? Huh? Keep them away! Keep them away!! Joe? Ferris? Noooooooo!!!!!! Oh my, Grudge Match no contest, both competitors killed under mysterious circumstances, they're eyes pecked out, and their bodies dressed in formal evening attire. The Penguin Liberation Organization has struck again....You fool Mario Lemieux! Not even you can harness the power! You can't control the Penguins!!! Nobody can control the PENGUINS

- Switz

I must admit that I have never seen Lean on Me, but nobody can take down Ferris Bueller. He is an icon of the eighties, untouchable. I'm sure that Mr.Clark is tough (Morgan Freeman can't play whimps) but he is just no match for Ferris, Ferris has all of Chicago on his side. I bet he's got mob connections up the wazoo! Bottom line is. . . I've heard of Ferris Bueller, but who the @#$% is Joe Clark?

- paragon_77

In order to adequately comment on this match, one must study each participant, as well as each participant's allies.

Joe would seem to have all the advantages in this fight. Not only does the "Bat-man" know how to whip slackers into shape, but he can call on all his friends from Shawshank prison to hunt our man-boy down. Can you imagine Andy Dufresne against Ferris Bueller? The sparks would fly!

Joe could also call on his partner David Mills from the (undisclosed) Police Department. Now, I know what you're thinking in that puny little mind: "Didn't that serial killer cause David Mills to be arrested for killing him, after having killed David Mills' wife, thus having completed his evil magnum opus?" But come on, if you were going up against the great Keyser Soze, you'd lose too, wouldn't you?

And if all of that failed, Joe could always call on that powerhouse of education, The Electric Company. "Hey, you guys!"

With all of these allies, how could Joe lose, right? That's what I originally thought, too. Ferris could call on Cameron and Sloane, maybe, but what could they really do for him? And these were the only real allies he had in the whole movie, beyond the generic pimply-faced high school stereotype that worshiped "vehicular manslaughter" himself and couldn't win a fight against a chihauhua's weight in chihauhaus, let alone a rottweiler's weight in chihauhaus.

Ferris' computer skills are certainly not going to help him either. Using Joshua and its infamous Global Thermonuclear War would be a little bit like using ten pounds of dynamite to kill a fly. The monkeys from Project X are too busy serving in Congress to help, while the Road to Wellville has since been demolished to make room for seven more Starbucks (one near you).

We know how his father and grandfather, Dustin Hoffman and Sean Connery, respectively, did in the Grudge Match Classic, so they will not be an issue.

In the end, only one thing caused me to swing my vote toward Mister Sarah Jessica Parker: his friend, the Godfather, Marlon Brando. Lest we forget, the two Bs were in The Freshman together (both actors have a Bacon number of two or less, proving once again that Kevin Bacon is the center of the universe), and if there is one thing watching The Sopranos has taught me, its that you should never mess with Cosa Nostra.

The cops will be fishing pieces o' Clark out of the East River for years.

- Mulder the Hutt (graduate of the Dennis Miller School for Long and Pointless Arguments that Lead Nowhere and Use Lots of Obscure References)

Well, as I never heard of Joe Clark, I'll go by logic here. Ferris is in a movie everyone has seen a zillion times. Even me, and I am so out of touch I make Marge Simpson look like Howard Stern...since this is a popularity contest, with no basis in reality (or logic for that matter, but I'm contradicting myself now) whoever has more exposure wins. Ferris's movie has been seen more then the video of Ken Starr with the coffee cup getting into his car every morning. More people know about him then know the Earth is round (except in Kansas where they dont know the Earth is round or have seen any good movies) plus, he has the all important image factor. This is the internet, people, everyone on here likes to think they are some sort of rebel. So naturally he gets more votes. My god, my school was stupid enough to play this on a bus ride. A movie about avoiding school on a school bus. He's everywhere. Of course he'll win.

- Blind Andrew

I have to give this one to Joe Clark, mostly for the reason that he's a real person, whereas Ferris Bueller is only a fictional character, and one from a typical "kids are always smart, adults are always dumb" fantasy movie. Take Ferris out of his movie habitat and put him in the real world, and he'll be lucky to survive IT, let alone Joe Clark.

- MaleKim

Of course, Clark will win, because he uses his inteliigence in a positive, constructive manner. Now, let's consider the ultimate three toed sloth, Bueller, who wastes what intelligence he has in childish pranks. The answer is obvious - at least I think so.

- Clark fan

1) Ferris Bueller can get away with anything because nobody can prove that he broke the rules.

2) Proof? The only time Joe Clark messes with proof is if proof pulls a knife on him. Its good to be the HNIC.

Shocking Conclusion: Ben Stein called in for the Bueller Dream Team for yet another Trial of the Century.

- lancelot

What the hell is going on here? I leave the site for ONE match, all of a sudden, I'm taking out wrestlers and boxers left and right due to my lack of sedation?

What about me? Don't I get any respect? No! I'm sitting around, minding my own business, when, all of a sudden, people like martinl decide to use me as their whole focus for a reply!

I'm sorry! Vlad don't play that! I mean, all I'm TRYING to do here is vote for Ferris Bueller, and people start using my likeness, without my permission, I might add!



- Vlad, Hamster of Wond[thunk]rrrrr...

Lets look at the names Ferris Bueler: Sounds like a French Canadian Star Trek wrestler Joe "The NIC" Clark: Sounds like a Chicago MASH boxer We all know that Chicago beats France and Canada any day, and that MASH beats Star Trek (about everything does here) and that boxers beat wrestlers. Sure, Clark is older, but he also has a baseball bat. No handicap there, he is handicapable.

- Paul Graham

Cripes, didn't anyone see Glory? Ferris Bueller was the ranking officer over Joe Clark there. And Malcolm X.

- KIlgore Trout

Joe Clark has a winning name. Look at all the important Clarks throughout history:

* William Clark, famed explorer. He let Lewis's name go first, but got his revenge by becoming a successful politican while Lewis was murdered under mysterious circumstances.

* General Mark Clark, who fought the Nazis in North Africa and Italy. We like people who shoot Nazis, now don't we?

* Abraham Clark, signer of the Declaration of Independence. We love the Declaration of Independence. Heck, I'd sign it too, if my pen hadn't just run dry.

* Barney Clark, the first artifical heart recipient, medical pioneer for the ages. Trekkies, Jean-Luc Picard would be dead without this guy.

* Dick Clark. Immortal. Joe will make good use of this invincibility in his struggles against Bueller.

Now, has anybody even remotely important ever been named Bueller? My encyclopedia says no. What's more, the only noteworthy Ferris on record claimed to have invented the wheel, when we all know it was the Vice-President. With a record like that, Bueller will be serving detention for the next seventy-five years. A fitting punishment for Godzilla and Inspector Gadget.

- Call me Shane

At least one decent song came out of Joe Clark's movie. Ferris Bueller can't even say that much.

- Fade the cat

How DARE you denigrate the musical genius that is Wayne Newton?! - Eds.

Ferris Bueller is exactly like those annoying junior high boys I remember from not so long ago; annoying. Another thing I remember; everyone hated them, and we would rat on them so fast they never got away with anything.

Joe Clark is like my fourth grade teacher; so scary we never even tried to get away with anything. As soon as he entered the room, we would all start confessing. "I got up for a drink of water without permission! Please don't flunk me!"

When he enters the scene, everyone will begin confessing their sins to Joe Clark. He's that kinda guy. Seeking redemption, they'll continue and list the sins of others. And whose sins better to list than those of the annoying guy everyone really wants to rat on anyway? Ferris Bueller, expelled in three days.

- Fade the Cat

The only way to settle this epic grudge match is to pull Ferris's old teacher into this, the honored Ben Stein".
His current occupation is host of "Win Ben Stein's Money"", so we'll use that

"Hi, I'm Ben Stein. I've got five thousand dollars that says I know more than you. So if you're smart enough, fast enough, and if you've got the GUTS, you can win Ben Stein's money!"
"And now, the man best known as Ferris Bueller's boring econ teacher, Ben Stein"
"Hello, all. Welcome to win my, Ben Stein's money, the game show where you can win my money. To my left is my sidekick Jimmy Kimmel"
"Thanks Ben. Did anybody ever tell you that you look good in a lepoard skin leotard?"
"No..." (awkard silence) "Let's introduce our contestants"
"Ok, Ben. First, from Chicago, Illinois, the student who says his incest...i mean interests are sleeping in Econ class and playing's Ferris Bueller"
"And a man who looks mysteriously like Morgan Freeman and describes himself as the H N I C, a teacher now working in Chicago, Joe Clark"
"What's H N I C mean, Jimmy?"
"I don't think we can ask this question and keep our TV-PG rating."
"Ok, on to our topics, Jimmy."
"Ok, our topics are "Win, Lose, or Ti-tanic", "To See or Not to See", "Gluacoma to papa", "Clown me", and "Fly Away Nome""
As Ben looks towards the camera and explains the rules, H.N.I.C. Clark takes the baseball bat and smacks a Sammy Sosa-esque shot. Ferris Bueller's head flies right into Jimmy Kimmel, finishing them both off. Ben Stein thanks the HNIC and they all live happily ever after.

- Tristan "H G I C" Pratt (Head Griffon In Charge)

Maybe I'm just easily amused, but I think it's very funny that I've gotten away with insulting you twice in a row now, and you even posted it. Unless you take being called childish, immature, semi-literate geeks as a compliment?

Anyway, I haven't watched either of the movies you've matched up this time, and the commentary left me completely confused. But don't worry--after the last coin-flipping incident, I've foresworn random choosing methods. Even Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, which is the best way to pick answers on tests that I know.

And so, without logic or chance to guide my choice, I was thrown back on the mysterious, illogical and yet usually correct sense known as Female Intuition.

The process went as follows:

Joe Clark looks like a mean old man who enjoy torturing students like me.

Ferris Bueller looks like a cute teenager who enjoys life.

So, guess which one Female Intuition went with?

- Laura of Maychoria, creator and ruler of an alternate universe, who uses Female Intuition to rule

Joe Clark, after he left the New Jersey school system, was hired by New Jersey State Corrections. Yes, this man was hired to run a juvenile detention center. And, get this, he came under criticism for THROWING FECES AT THE GUARDS. No only does this man take no shit, he distributes it around. This is a man who is TOO TOUGH FOR PRISON.

I just don't think Ferris can handle that kind of ruthlessness. After Joe quickly grabs Sloan's cell phone and leave the girls in tears ("Sloan, don't you know these are against the dress code? What are you - a drug dealer or just a crack ho?!") it's all over. Ferris, who seems to thrive on avoiding conflict, will become a whimpering mass of compliant protoplasm as Joe just arbitrarily bans Ferris of his prom, requires him to wear bell-bottoms and platform shoes, kills his dog and expels and then transfers him over to Sunnydale HS to have some fun with Buffy and the vampires. Fortunately, Ferris will surrender before he makes any mention of the lame TV show spinoff of his movie, preventing permanent brain damage.

You don't want to mess with Joe Clark.

- Paul G.


The Final Word

It's Fun To Vote For The

- Marilyn Quayle

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Hal v. WOPR
Men in Black v. Mork
Grudge Match™ goes to the Movies™

Home | History | Suggestions | FAQ | Stats | Links
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store

Next match: What a bunch of tools...
ETA: Wednesday, September 29th.

© 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC