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What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

The buzz of anticipation fills the Kiel Center in St. Louis as Groundskeeper Willie finishes cleaning the ice with his beloved zamboni, Nessie. This is a very big day for two very small towns, as they fight it out for the title of U.S. Little League Hockey Champions!

On one bench sit the Springfield Fighting Protons, led by Head Coach Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Apu has shuffled his line-up a bit today, and will start Bart Simpson and Milhouse Van Houten at forward, Nelson Muntz at center, Ralph Wiggum and Todd Flanders on defense, and Lisa "The Rock" Simpson at goalie.

On the opposing side are Head Coach Jerome 'Chef' McElroy and his South Park Mighty Chocolate Salty Balls, led today by forwards Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski, Wendy Testaburger at center, Pip and Kenny McCormick on defense, and Eric "Fat Ass" Cartman in goal.

Hans Moleman of Springfield and Mr. Garrison of South Park will serve as referees. A crack medical staff led by Dr. Nick Riviera is on hand to assist with any serious injuries.

So Steve, which set of scrappy schoolkids skates to Sir Stanley's Sippy Cup?

Kids of Springfield, The Simpsons


South Park
Kids of South Park

The Commentary

STEVE: Well, Brian, this match undoubtedly has to go to the kids from South Park. They live in a perpetual winter, and therefore by definition live, eat, and breathe hockey. Springfield doesn't get snow like Colorado does, and therefore doesn't have hockey fever in their blood -- it might as well be curling as far as they're concerned. Hockey just isn't their game. But the overwhelming factor that decides this match is goaltending. Goalies can make or break a team, and there is a huge difference in goaltending ability.

Obviously, Lisa has unusually good goaltending abilities. But those are evident only when empowered by The Rage (tm) against her brother, which is nonexistent today since Bart is on the same team. But more importantly, Lisa is subject to distractions: Chef. Chef with his musical abilities will follow in the path of Bleeding Gums Murphy and Barry White, and will completely occupy Lisa's mind. Chef, being attuned to such things, will begin to sing and dance to Lisa, mesmerizing her. "...Oh, Lisa I want a piece-a Lisa. Make sweet love and kiss and squeeze ya..." Lisa will be unable to pay any attention to the action on the ice, and will let goal after goal pass through.

Cartman, of course has no real abilities as a goaltender. But he doesn't need them. His fat ass, nurtured by years of Cheesy Poofs and Snacky Cakes, will occupy almost the entirety of the goal, and shots will be impossible to get past him. And if that's not enough, he can turn around and release a 90-foot satellite dish from his butt, which will deflect anything Springfield might send at him. Kick ass.

BRIAN: Amazingly, 18 months in the Real World (tm) have left you even more delusional than you were in grad school. Fortunately, I return once again to clear things up for you. First of all, I don't care how big of a fat ass he is, Cartman will be useless in goal. He'd be too easily distracted by the aroma of concession snacks filing the air, likely wandering away at some point, and will be way too soft to actually use his own body to shield a slapshot from likes of Nelson. Lisa, OTOH, is as solid as they come. Her abilities have nothing to do with The Rage (tm), but rather result from a mix of cat-like reflexes and primitive self-preservation instincts. She is a warrior. The only thing that can make her lose that competitive edge is a love for her brother. But since he's on the same team now, nothing can stop her. Chef will be a non-factor. Last time I checked, he doesn't play the sax, nor does he share a love for misunderstood reptiles. If anything, Lisa will rebuke him for his contribution to the offensive blaxploitation films of the 1970s.

No, the real answer to this match is depth. To no one's surprise, Kenny is impaled on a stick 90 seconds into the game. And due to the line-ups, Stan is going to throw up whenever he gets near his own center or the opposing goalie. How's he supposed to contribute to the team's offense? South Park will quickly be two men down. And who do they have off the bench? Ike? Springfield, however, is loaded coming off the bench. Rotating in Kearney and Jimbo to join Nelson will form an enforcer line that South Park just can't handle. And let's not forget about Uter, the Rhineland Rocket (tm). Everyone from Europe knows how to play hockey.

The wildcard here is Todd Flanders. With "Mommy" written on his skates, some appropriate words from Bart (probably an explanation of how the SP players and Satan killed his mother), and a healthy dose of Pixi-Stix (tm), Kenny may not be the only SP player that ends up impaled on something. This game goes to sudden death, and I ain't talking overtime.

STEVE: Brian, you obviously don't understand Cartman at all. Do you really think he'd be distracted by food at the concession stand? Hell, no! He'd have his own supply down at the goal with him. He can just sit and eat and let the pucks bounce off his protective layer of blubber.

Of course, as you say, Kenny will die. That's a given. And what will the effect of his death be? The South Park kids are used to Kenny dying, and will think nothing of it. But this traumatic event will totally tear apart the Springfield team. Lisa will witness the event and be aghast at such violence, and will walk off the ice in protest. Milhouse will run off following her in a pathetic attempt to win her attention. Bart, who once freaked out because a bird died, will go catatonic and wander off to the bench. Nelson will be intrigued and spend the whole time poking at the dead body. Todd Flanders will stop in the middle of the game to kneel and pray for Kenny. And poor Ralph will just be sitting in the crease, trying to figure out how to get his tongue unstuck from the goal.

The Springfield kids have done a lot of impressive things in their day, but when it comes to hockey, they're just out of their league. And with Jesus, Santa, and Satan all cheering for them, and with ice skating master Brian Boitano as their idol, can South Park do anything but win?

BRIAN: It's a good thing your Ph.D. is in Engineering, Steve, because you'd never make it in child psychology. Remember, after Bart killed that first bird, he went on to be responsible for the death of thousands of others, and was happy about it. He is now remorseless. Plus, I'm assuming that the rules dictate that play be stopped until all dead bodies are removed from the ice. Thus, with nothing to poke at, Nelson will only hunger for more blood and guts. You have a point about Ralph. That "triple dog dare" move by Wendy was sheer genius. Unfortunately, it just gives Apu a reason to send in Jimbo Jones.

Frankly, I'm not sure if the SP kids can even play hockey. Last time I checked, St. Louis was in the third dimension. While both cities are technically 2D, Springfield at least has the appearance of being 3D, so they should be able to adjust. Plus, Bart has actually visited the third dimension, and can teach the other players what it's like. South Park, OTOH, is straight 2D. The best those kids can do is move -- no, waddle -- side-to-side and back-and-forth. The fluid motions needed for hockey will be totally foreign to them.

Finally, the referees are going to be a huge factor. Mr. Garrison is as assertive as a substitute teacher fresh out of school. He won't do a thing. Hans Moleman is as blind as, well, a mole. So Kearney & Co. can beat the South Park players to their content with no fear of retribution. But Hans hears just fine. And anybody who's ever played any little league sport knows that profanity is just about the worst thing you can do. "You bastards!" That's a warning, son. "How the #$@% did you miss that call?!" Two minutes. "But I said 'puck'!" Double minor. Finally, Chef gets fed up with all the calls. "You stupid #$@%!! Quit #$@% sending my #$@% players to the #$@% penalty box! Don't make me come over there and #$@% your #$@% right up your #$@%, and then go over to your house and show your wife what #$@% #$@% her #$@% is really supposed to feel like!" Game misconduct and automatic ejection. With the aforementioned Brian Boitano as their new coach, the South Park team will start practicing lutzes, which can only lead to further beatings. Springfield in the 2nd period by forfeit.

Thanks to Groundskeeper Scotty for providing the pairing and scenario for this match. He helps out at Simpsons Fanworks Central, "the prime source for Simpson fan creativity". He also suggests you check out The Simpsons Archive. Thanks also to the many others that suggested various types of Simpsons vs. South Park scenarios.

Related link for further research

Evergreen Terrace is the world's daily dose of The Simpsons. Featuring news from the front line, an archive of articles & interviews, thousands of pictures, and so much more, we guarantee that after your visit you won't be left saying "D'oh!"

The Results

Springfield (1111 - 55.4%)


South Park (895 - 44.6%)

Bart killed Kenny!  You bastard!

Highlights from the game prove too gruesome to appear on SportsCenter (tm)

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Voter Comments


Let's face it, hockey is a volatile game to begin with. A huge brawl seems inevitable. The foul mouths of the South Park contingent, combined with the "never give up, never think things through" spirit of Springfield will mean this game will break down faster than a French import car. Cartman calls Nelson "hella ugly" and Nelson pulls a McSorely on Wendy Testaburger, and the true nature of this match emerges: A fight up in the stands between the *adults* of the two towns. And here's how they match up:

Otto and Ms. Crabtree, the resident bus drivers, lock up. But Otto is "blotto", and it takes only one scream of "DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!?!?!?" to put him in his place. Principal Victoria and Principal Skinner, get into a sissy hairpulling fight. But since Skinner's secret shame is a barely detectable hairpiece, Victoria goes flying after her first yank. Instead of trying to quell the riot, Officer Barbrady and Chief Wiggum go at it. But even as Wiggum tries to pummel Barbrady, he gets get winded and signals for Lou and Eddie to do it instead. Reverend Lovejoy and Priest Maxi abandon their peaceful ways and start kickboxing. Ned Flanders, seeing his priest in trouble, throws himself in front of a Maxi Death Strike (TM). Meanwhile, Ms. Lovejoy, Springfield's moral authority, sets her sights on Sheila Brofloski. But, instead of fighting, the two of them plan a demonstration about the evils of hockey violence.

But things don't end there. Rabbi Brofloski and Rabbi Krustofski circle each other, and Krusty's father uses his religious symbol, the Star of David, as a ninja-star type weapon to overcome his foe. Diamond Joe Quimby sizes up the mayor of South Park, and once satisfied that his wife is busy fighting, quickly seduces her and brings her to the nearest motel that rents rooms by the half-hour. Also non-factors in the brawl are Cletus and Brandine Delroy (the slack-jawed yokels), who hook up with the McCormick's (Kenny's parents) for some good ol' fashioned white trash lootin' and wife swappin'. Stan's grandpa is delighted, finally seeing his long- awaited opportunity to die, but his opponent, Abe Simpson, instead tells him pointless stories about the great raisin shortage of '22. The elderly Marsh hurls himself under a zamboni instead.

Back on the ice, Hans Moleman is acquitting himself rather nicely against Mr. Garrison by trying to bite Mr. Hat. But all he can do is gum him, and Mr. Garrison finds the whole experience rather erotic. Chef looks up into the crowd, sees Lunchlady Doris, and sings her a soulful little love song with a theme of hockey (maybe called I'm Gonna Score with You Tonight).

Finally, realizing that his snack supply is exhausted and fed up, Cartman (who still has that malfunctioning V-Chip in his body) screams "YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORIT-AH!" He then lets loose with a barrage of 50 or so swear words so obscene that they cause his V-Chip to discharge a lightning bolt that flattens the arena, and most of St. Louis.

- 1/2 Nelson

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Announcer: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the U.S.L.L.H. championship. Were the little champs of South Park, Colorado face the fighting tikes of Springfield...
Chef: Aw, shut the hell up and let us play.
Apu: I agree, let us be getting it on.

At the faceoff the puck drops and immediatly flies up and decapitates Kenny.
Todd passes out from shock.

Bart: Dude!
Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Nelson: Hey, don't blame us for that.
Millhouse (nervously): I c-c-couldn't have done it. I-I-I was over here the whole time.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, can I get some popcorn over here?

Well anyway, after some unimportant bickering the game continues with Kenny and Todd replaced by appropriately random characters. The teams, evenly matched, go back and forth, neither conceding to the other. Wendy and Bart dominate the ice hitting shot after shot. Lisa and Cartman block everything that comes their way. Quite exciting, except that no one scores a single point. Just when it's looking like one of those pesky tied games, something changes. Let's watch.

Cartman: Respect my Authoritaih!
Bart: Eat my shorts.
Shot after shot starts raining down on Cartman, and his technique of taking every shot in his more than ample gut is starting to take its toll.
Cartman: Ow! Dammit! F*** you a**hole! All right, that's it. Screw you guys, I'm out of here.
He start toward the bench.
Stan: Hey Cartman, you buttwipe! Get back here!
Kyle: Yeah, fat ass, take it like a man.
Cartman: No no no, me heyah, you theyah.
Nelson: Haw, heh! Having trouble with tubby?
Bart (to Ralph): All right, it's time. Do you remember what to do?
Ralph: I like ice. It's slippery.
Bart frustratedly pushes Ralph into Wendy, who was just getting started on a fast break. Bart then takes the puck and heads strait for the open goal.

Cartman: Let me go you f***ers!
Chef: Stupid crackers, ruining the game.
OK, back to the action.

Announcer: Ooh, it looks like Bart is down. Springfield's one chance at a win smashed to pieces by some French kid.
Pip: I am not French dammit, I am British.
Announcer: Wait a minute. Springfield might have another chance. Yes, it looks like that nerdy kid, Moorhout or something, has the puck. He's lined it up, here's the shot... SCORE! The Protons win the pennant! The Protons win the pennant! The Pro...
Entire crowd: SHUT UP!

- Jacob96

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Two rules of Grudge Match:

1) Simpsons rule.
2) The French always get their asses kicked.

Late in the game a cocky Nelson brings that to the South Park team's attention. In two seconds Nelson wonders where all his teeth and the puck went (niether ref will call for high sticking because Garrison doesn't care and Moleman is unconcious after earlier taking a puck to the groin). Nelson made the mistake of comparing Pip to the French!

With only a few seconds left it is Pip's rage up against Lisa's rage. The crowd wonders who will win in this battle between the irresistable force and the immovable object (not to be confused with the earlier Grudge Match battle). But there will be no winner...

Poisonous gas fumes fill the stadium and all the inhabitants of Springfield and South Park find that the doors are locked and barricaded. Eventually they all fall into a deep sleep, never able to wake up. Who could have done this?!

"Now we're number one! Haha! Goodbye you yellow skinned simpletons and cardboard cut-out yokels! Say hello to the Critic... in HELL!"

"Stewie, who are you talking to?" Lois asked.

The highly intelligent 2-year old responded, "Oh nothing mother. I do believe it is time for my nap."

As Lois picked up her son and walked him to his crib, Brian the dog's eyes widened.

His owner Peter asked him, "Hey Brian, what's wrong with you?"

"I just felt thousands of cartoon characters all scream at once, then silenced."

"Eh. It's probably gas."

- Gavok

All they have to do is put Ike on the ice, and watch the next Wayne Gretzky score a hat trick of hat tricks.

Ike, though small in size, is quick enough to skate circles around any of the bigger Springfield kids. And being Canadian, his talents are naturally superior to even the best American on the ice.

So even if (and the key word in here is if) Springfield scores on Fat Ass, Ike's nine goals will be enough to keep them in the lead.

To sum it up, a haiku:

Ike's Canadian
Canadians are hockey
Springfield has no chance

- Juliebug

If the South Parkers can skate around the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences to earn an Oscar nod for the expletitive-filled "Blame Canada," they will twirl Denise Bielman- like rings around Bart and co. Can't wait to see Cartman skate with, and eat from, Lord Stanley's Cup!

- Gobbon

The Simpsons would win.


Celebrities...They would just hire the All Star Team to play.

The best South Park has done is have a person imitate Celine Dion or George Clooney.

No Contest.

- james_bond

You know me as Infraggable Krunk. But the name I was born with is Kenny Munson. Yes, I share my name with the kid that keeps dying on South Park.

And I cannot fucking tell you how many times people I know have come up to me and said "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"

Throughout the course of late '97 and '98, I was bombarded with about six million people coming up to me and saying those idiotic sentences. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" I was in Catchphrase Hell. Sure, the Simpsons had their own stupid catchphrases, too, but they made up for it with its contributions to society (read: 400 Grudge Matches). This is why I must cast my vote for South Park to be wiped off the map.

But it can't end there. Catchphrases run rampant throughout the streets, with new ones being born every day. We can't allow this to happen. That is why I have created the Anti-Catchphrase Demolition Squad. Come, join me in my quest to destroy catchphrases in the most utter and total way possible. We will drag Cuba "Show me the money" Gooding, Jr. out in the street and shoot him in cold blood. We will burn every last copy of the Lion King for every time we heard the words "Hakuna Matata." We will torture anyone who quotes anything from Austin Powers.

And I can't even begin to tell you the fun things we're doing to do to the Rock.

Alrighty then,

- Infraggable Krunk

Well, it's obvious that Kenny will be clubbed senseless by Nelson (who won't be called due to the ref's, um, moleishness), and then will have his IV tube hooked up to the oxygen tank by Dr. Nick, and thus have a heart attack and explode. Likewise, Milhouse, skating in to the goal, will be suffocated by the sheer flab of the goalie. However, Riviera having fled the scene after the previous incident, Milhouse will be rushed to the hospital (where he'll inevitably be wrapped head-to-toe in bandages).

In the end, though, Springfield will beat South Park, but it'll be a mercy killing. They've seen their show degrade (though it's still one of the best shows on), and know that, in a few short years (months, even), South Park will consist of:

CARTMAN: Ass, ass, ass!
KYLE: Dude, Cartman, stop saying ass!
CARTMAN: I can say ass however much I want! Ass!
STAN: (vomits)
KYLE: Dude, sick!
KENNY: Mmm mmmmm m! (falls over)
STAN: Oh my God, Kenny died of natural causes!
KYLE: You bastard!

Hmm... On second thought, they've been there from the start.

- Vermin Boy

The Springfield crew has to win, for one simple reason:

They're the only team on the ice actually playing *hockey*

The South Park crew, being capable of only horizontal movement, will in fact be playing Foozball!
Due to this limitation, the South Park crew will be utterly incapable of keeping up with the Springfield team as they rocket across the ice. Further hindering Kenny and the gang will be this: if they do attempt to move down the ice, they will be turning their two-dimensional forms sideways to do it. Thus, they will be no appreciable obstacle to Bart & Co.

End score: Sprinfield 4, South Park 0.

End scene: Cartman sitting on the ice whining because Bart won't let him lay a finger on his Butterfinger. (Fade Out)

- ~the Stranger

90 seconds into the start of the match, Kenny is, in fact, slain. But luckily, between the girl from the Amazon forest who saved his life once before, and the cheerleading of that teacher who got them lost, he is revived just as Kyle is saying "Yooooou bast...oh, never mind". Jimbo, realizing that he is the only kid on the ice without a "catch phrase" leaves in a huff. Apu merely replies "thank you, come again". Wendy thinks she spots Lisa eyeing her man, and promptly has her fired to the sun in an Iraqi scud missle. Ralph is left to tend goal (because his tongue happens to be stuck on the ice in the area). Nelson, always one to punish, notices Ralph in the prone position and spends the rest of the game kicking him in the ass.

Meanwhile, on the South Park side, the kids ingeniously hire the underpants gnomes to put Liquid Heat in the jocks of all the Springfield kids, thus making only the most tough of them even be able to walk. Cartman, who brought a tv to watch while he sits in goal(covering the whole thing up), gets pissed at Todd for shooting a puck at him and making him drop his pot pie, pulls out the billy club, and beats Todd senseless, screaming " You will respect my authoritah!".

- Chance Daniels, Mercer Island WA

Sorry Brian, but the South Park KidsTM have been in 3D in their N64TM and PlaystationTM video games.

- Bubba

I woke up early to anticipate The Return of the Grudge Match. I reached into my drawer and pulled out my HotBranch! 3:16 T-Shirt, putting it on. I grabbed my pack of Mentos and popped about two-and-a- half dozen in my mouth. I set the "Edit" command on the toolbar to include "Insert ™". I kept a bottle of Ritalin at my side, just in case.

I started up the computer. As soon as I could, I logged on to the Internet and went to the old Grudge Match site. Yes, it was true. They had moved! I quickly raced to their new site at The Funniest and skipped right to the combatants' names. Seven Mentos dropped from my mouth.

Springfield vs. South Park.

I rubbed my eyes, hoping this was an excitement-induced hallucination.

Springfield vs. South Park.

I long stared into the dark, black letters and they stared back at me.


Dilemma! I had watched "The Simpsons" since its earliest days and have laughed continuously. But I had just as easily become hooked to "South Park", and laughed just as hard. I didn't know what to do! I couldn't vote right away. I had to analyze.

The South Park denizens fought hordes of zombies, but so did the members of Springfield, but that was only in the "Treehouse of Horror" episode and -- ARRGGGHHHH! I collapsed on the floor and convulsed for fifteen minutes. Oh, the pain.

I picked myself up, brushed myself off and stared at the screen, and made my final decision. I voted for South Park. The underdog. I sighed.... I needed to vote for South Park. They have had more violent experience than the Springfield population has had. Maybe the winner wouldn't be South Park, but I could give it a try. One of them had to... die...

Then I realized. No one was going to die. This was not direct competition. I spoke aloud, "This is only a hockey game...."

I did not regain consciousness for six hours.

- Charge Man

As much as I like both programs, I have to side with the gang from "South Park".

Team SP has the better goal-tending. While Lisa is a good goalie, there is no way to outdo a goalie who is so fat he completely covers up the goal. Cartman also has the ability to fart fire (courtesy of an alien anal probe) which could come in handy in a fight.

Stan also plays a role. True, he vomits anytime he talks to Wendy, but this could be to some advantage. Such a display would gross out Lisa and her disgust would only interfere with her playing ability.

While Team Springfield may have the advantage of having bullies like Nelson Muntz and Jimbo Jones on their team, the South Park gang has a special ally in reserve - Ike. Don't let his small size and age (18 months) fool you. Ike has some tricks up his sleeve. First of all, he is Canadian. The best hockey players in the world are Canadian, so the game is in his DNA. Ike is clever. How many tots can make a macaroni picture of "The Last Supper"? Or play recognizable music on a harmonica? Ike can. He can also fight, as was proven in the episode when turkeys attacked the town. Ike was out there with an axe, lopping off turkey heads. Finally, Ike has the magic triangles he found after the evil Mecha-Streisand was defeated. Using the powerful artifacts, he can change into Mega-Ike. Team Springfield would flee at the sight.

Finally, Team Springfield has one fatal disadvantage. The Simpsons almost never win any high-stakes contests. Even if it appears that they are about to win, fate intervenes and snatches defeat from the jaws of victory. This is even contagious. Homer wiped out his brother's business when asked to help design a car. About the only time the Simpsons win anything is by either the other party getting into an accident or something that happens as a result of Homer getting hurt. On the other hand, the South Park kids managed to defeat the combined forces of Satan and Saddam Hussein, escaped from an unfriendly tribe in the rain forest in a few minutes (something the people on "Amazon" took weeks and weeks to do), and other amazing feats. So, while it might be close, South Park will win!

- The Demented Astronomer

I'm honored to tear through the Great Steve(tm) and Mighty Brian(tm) for the first time. Many a day I have laughed at your arguments.

Today, the Psychotic One favors South Park.

This is close, but Break it down:


Bart, Milson, & Nelson on Offense: Milton's gonna run from any possible contact, BUT WHO CARES? Bart and Nelson can carry this team's offense. This is Springfield's strongest area.

Lisa, Ralph, Nelson, & Todd on Defense: Who picked this crap? Barney could be passed out on his side and block more shots. Ralph will eat ice, Todd will be freaked out by violence, and Lisa will protest this act of savagery. Nelson can't save this motley crew. South Park scores with every shot thanks to Chef's training.


Stan, Kyle, & Wendy on offense. Not outstanding, but they're way faster than the Springfielders, and the Simpsons have no defense. The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka could handle this, and he's an inanimate object.

Kenny, Pip, Wendy, & Cartman on defense. South Park clinches this category. Kenny dies, period. However, Nelson calls Pip Frenchy a dozen times. We all know what happens then. Nelson is outta here, and the refs won't be able to see Pip as he takes out the Springfield bench. Chef takes him out for being a "crazy little cracker." Cartman blocks the whole goal area, and Wendy...well, who cares?

Final score: South Park: 69 (huh huh, you said *SMACK!) Springfield: 0.

But don't worry, children. Chef made everyone Salisbury Steak & Vegetable Medley, with Salty Chocolate Balls as dessert! Now you children sit back and Chef and I will sing you a little song...

OOH, Smash Brendan's head into the groooound,
Turn your foot sideways and KICK HIM! *duh duh duh duht!*
OOH, Smash Brendan's head into the ground now,
It's lots of fun, good exercise, and makes this place fun,
Smash Brendan's head!

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee and Soul Singer

This match is one of staying power. South Park just doesn't have it. It was a show that shocked people, but now it is just another crappy cable tv show.

- FreakyFreaky

Blame Canada (Damn Those Beady-Eyed Bastards...)

I hate to say it, but South Park wins. Though the Simpsons is and probably always will be the better show they just aren't North enough. We all know that Canadiens only have two redeeming qualities:
1. They make damn tasty beer.
2. They own at Hockey.

Obviously South Park is in Colorado and not Canadia (as I like to call it), but its pretty damn close. They probably even drink the same water, and water is like ice (only warmer), and hockey is played on ice. See, I told you that South Park had the advantage (got to love linear reasoning...). Also, those degenerate South Park boys never fail to catch the latest episode of the oh so funny Terrence and Phillip Fart Show. So basically by osmosis the South Park team has absorbed enough hockey skills to totally rock Springfield Cornbelt USA. Besides, the Simpsons haven't even made a movie as of yet. Gosh Darn't if I ain't the best arguer ever... if you don't like it, then you can stick a chevron (10pts if you know what one is) up your ass.

- DogBoy69

While both teams are funny as Baator, only Springfield has the diversity to win the hockey match.

How does diversity help win? Besides the politically correct factor, that means the Springfield teams can handle more varieties of hockey situations. Wonder why adventuring partys are composeds of opposites? Warriors and wizards, clerics and thieves, bards and contributes to a wide selection of diverse elements. Look how well off they are!! The warriors fights off the enemies in the fronts, the wizards casts spells on the enemies in the back, the cleric heals up all wounds, the bard boosts sagging morale, and druid help makes nature cater to their will. Wonder why parties composed of only one type of adventuring class don't survive?

Look at the South Park team. They're basically the same personalities: Low charisma and high anger. They're all tasteless *&$^knockers. Look at Springfield. From the intellect of Lisa to the dialobical tendencies of Bart to Nelson's sheer ruthlessness, you can say, "Gawd, this sure is a wide range of personalities. They're pretty diverse!"

You're wondering how hockey is related to AD&D......I'm wondering too...just accept my argument okay?

- Katrover Swatroad

Great to see you back, guys. It's been a long time. Well, enough ass kissing, time for ass-whoopin'!

If you think that South Park even stands a chance against the kids from Springfield, then someone must have hollowed out your head last Halloween.

First off, popularity. The Simpsons has been on the air, in a primetime slot, constantly for the past 9 friggin' years. What has South Park had? The 10:00 slot-the penalty box of all programming. Secondly, originality. Who started the whole corrupting children through cartoons? Well, Camel cigarettes, but in a close second was our yellow-skinned friends, the Simpsons. Finally, sheer cleverness. Bart and Lisa alone could take on the whole team. But ultimatly, we all know how it'll end-Stan will go down in a fountain of vomit, Kyle will realize how very downtrodden the Jews are and move to Israel, Cartman would break the ice (Groundskeeper Willy: Ach! Me beautiful ice! And Ah jist had it the way Ah liked it!), and Kenny-well, I bet he'll get a visit from Itchy and Scratchy.

- Tracer

At first glance, one may be compelled to immediately side with the Springfield bunch. They may not have hockey in their blood, but with Nelson vs. Wendy at center, that should be enough to end the South Park team's reign of terror. Enter Cartman. Other than his obvious goalie "ass"ests, you neglected to mention his less well-know ability: He can shoot flames out of his posterior! Any Springfield player unlucky enough to attempt a shot will be incinerated by a blast of putrid pain launched from Cartman's spincter cannon (TM). South Park wins by forfeit in less than 5 minutes

- Dan "The Man With The Plan" DeMeno

Great to have you back, but in typical fashion you have both overlooked the most critical factor in this whole contest - namely Groundskeeper Willy. As the Zamboni driver he sets off a chain of events that turns the tables in Springfield's favor long before the on-ice contest even begins. First things first, of course Groundskeeper Willy is going to groom the ice in Springfields favor. So what if Springfield may not have as much cold weather experience as the kids of SOuth Park, with the miserable ice condition that Groundskeeper Willy will be able to create there's not gonna be much real skating going on anyways, and don't even get me started on puck movement. No, the only way to get down the ice and put the puck in the net on this night is going to be by picking it up and walking it down there - a dirty little tactic that the Springfield kids are well suited for (I don't think any of us want to argue their criminal intent).

But the real devestation occurs more by accident than by intention. In the interest of time it is decided that the South Park kids, having more skating ability, will do their warmups while Groundskeeper Willy is putting the final touches on the ice. Needless to say, ones peripheral vision is significanly reduced when ones face is enveloped in a ridiculous orange hood. Due to this impaired vision, South Park's star defenseman Kenny manages to skate under the Zamboni and lose his tragic young life before the game ever starts. Of course, Kyle's mom is outraged by this as it demonstrates the inherent violence in the game of hockey and wisks her precious son out of the arena - also before the game can ever start. Needless to say she manages to organize an effective parents protest and NONE of the South Park starters suit up for the game. Forced to play with scabs, South Park goes down hard - forfeit at 7:21 in the first period with the score at 10-0.

- Adam Ellis

Here's how I see the final moments, with the score tied at 2-2. Stan is incapacitated by throwing up, Wendy is busy hatching revenge against Nelson, Kenny has been dead for two periods, Ralph is asleep (where he thinks he is a Viking), Pip is trying to eat a crumpet, and Kyle is trying to beg his mom to let him play. This only leaves Cartmen capabale of stopping Springfields drive, led by Bart and Nelson. Just as they are about to score, Wendy gets Nelson sent to Albania by the INS. Bart is blocked by Cartmen and Wendy, and desparately casts about for a way to win. Finally, he passes to Todd, who, blessed by god, gets the puck, and passes to the last functional player on Springield's team....

Milhouse! Intent on winning Lisa's heart, America's favorite Geek (second only to Urkel) skates straight at Cartmen, who braces himself for impact. just when it seems these two titans are about to collide, Bart finds a copy of Crack Whore magazine with Cartmen's mother on the cover. As we all know, this is enough to render Cartmen speechless and incapable of action.

Milhouse pulls off the hat trick, and is given the game puck, along with Kenny's head impaled on a hocky stick.

- Glad to see that ya'all are back.

The Simpsons have to win because I couldn't *^&*%^ stand to see such a foul mouthed group of little &^%$&*@ dishoner the favorite sport of those noble *%^$&#$% Canadians.

- Milo Bloom

Bodies are gonna fall - that's a given. On Team South Park, Kenny will likely die during the face-off by having Nelson Muntz actually rip his face off. 99% of Ralph Wiggum will leave the game - the only portion remaining will be his tongue still frozen solid to the goal. Kenny will be replaced by Pep, who will prove to be just as worthless as Ralph. Jimbo Jones goes in for Ralph. Full point in Springfields favor.

Goalies. Lisa has proven her abilites as a formidable goaltender, but her weak stomach and humanitarian heart will be her demise. Kearney replaces her. Cartman is NOT fat - he's getting in shape, and he will be at his peak physical form for this game. But his short attention span, coupled with Barts numerous shots on goal, will send him out of the game. Starvin Marvin comes in to replace him. Full point in Springfields' favor.

Mr. Hankey. Full point in South Parks favor.

The town of Springfield took on the town of Shelbyville to get their sacred lemon tree back. There are dozens of malcontents and ne'er-do-wells, who destroyed the stadium at the last hockey game. The Simpsons even took on the ENTIRE CONTINENT of Australia, came out victorious, AND destroyed their eco-system. Bart has actually BEEN to Hell when Mr. Burns ran over him, and still came out whistlin'. South park never battled Satan, their pal JC (TM) did. And when death was chasing Kenny, they RAN! Full point for Springfield, -1 point for the South Park Wussies.


- Ted Krol (Yes, THAT Ted krol - there can be only one)

When you have Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (tm) on your side, like South Park does, apparently capable of bringing Kenny back to life for every episode, it doesn't take a genius to predict the winner of THIS contest. . . .

On the other hand, let's look at the fates of some Springfield residents:

Dr. Marvin Monroe -- permanently dead
"Bleeding Gums" Murphy -- permanently dead
the girlfriend of "Grandpa" Abe Simpson -- permanently dead
Lionel Hutz -- permanently dead
Troy McClure -- permanently dead
Maude Flanders -- permanently dead

The heathen and ungodly residents of the town of Springfield will not only lose, but they'll be lucky if they escape without plagues of boils, blood, locusts, and fire, not to mention famine, pestilence and war. Don't piss off Jesus, Springfield, or those that survive will envy the dead!

- Deacon

As predicted, Kenny is impaled 90 seconds in. Apu knows it's coming, and distracts Todd Flanders until the body is removed by Groundskeeper Willy's special Zamboni with the lime dispensing attachment. As play is about to resume, Bart skates over to Cartman and, employing his authentic French accent (Bart is immune from French Factor(tm) since he was only an exchange student) offers Cartman a mint. "Don't have ze cow, man! Eets waf-er thin!!" It is only a matter of seconds before Cartman explodes. South Park is down by two. In desperate need of a goalie, Chef scans the crowd. "You, with the pretzels! Get in there!" The Springfield kids groan, the South Park kids cheer, the day is saved by Pretzel Boy, the Uberathelete powered by Fat Free Rold Gold Pretzels!!

Unfortunately, Chef didn't take it into account that (1)Pretzel Boy's alter ego, Jason Alexander, is a Trekkie From Way Back(tm) who done a Voyager guest shot and (2) This is a Grudge Match. By the middle of the second period, the score is 50-2 Springfield and rising fast. By then the demoralized South Parkers have wandered over to investigate a mysterious dark object imbedded in the ice, which turns out to be Mr. Hankey, tragically routed to the ice arena water supply by a stuck valve down at the sewage treatment plant.

- Mr. Silverback - I went to the Grudge Match last night and a hockey match broke out.

Ah, the Simpsons. Consistently one of the most amusing shows out there.

Fah, South Park. Consistently one the most vile and putrid shows out there. I recall an episode where one of those chubby little paper cut-outs was just bursting with ecstacy because he had his first period. That's right he had his period. Hermaphrodites, the very quintesscence of humor. None of this has anything to do with this match, and if it did it would be nothing more than a mindless personal feud perpetrated by aging money-grubbers. But since this is a hockey game we must delve deeper.

I just spent a good while delving and came up with very little. There is perhaps only one factor that can be brought into play here. The legions of devoted fanboys each team can call upon. These are not your average network television viewers. Many would argue that these people are not quite sane, except for the undeniable fact that they can't really be people. I refer to beings that paint themselves yellow to resemble the denizens of Springfield or grease themselves with lard to attain a more Cartman-like smell.

So you can see that none of the points the almost legendary Steve and Brian came up with have any relevance. It all boils down to which team has the strongest, toughest and otherwise most Satanic followers.

Let's take a poll, shall we? Anyone for Springfield fanboys?
(Cricket chirping can be heard)
South Park?
(Not a sound)
All mangled killed, etc?
(A deafening roar of approval which causes my ears to bleed and eyes to blow out the back of my skull)

This is not to say I dislike these shows. I am merely pointing out that I believe the forms of life that worship them should be purged from the Earth.

- Sauron, Wooer of Repulsive Women (Yes I really am that pathetic).

This match is defaulted to the Springfield crew, for one simple reason. Hockey is a Canadian thing. Canadians eat Oiler's jerseys three times a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner. The South Park gang, as is evidenced by several episodes of the show and the entire South Park movie, HATE EVERYTHING CANADIAN. Once they realize what they're doing we'll hear a nice hearty round of "$%&! this" and one "Screw you guys, I'm going home." Springfield wins by disqualification.

- Brian C. Strock, esq.

Sprigfield will win because a good slap shot can rip right through construction paper.

- The West Virginian

At the present moment The Bravehart Jihad (There is No Jihad), is preparing to take its revenge upon the Grudge Match(tm) and the Simpsons for the loss of their hero to Groundskeeper Willy(tm).

The Jihad (There is No Jihad), has waited patiently through the Bart (tm) vs. Calvin(tm), and the Montgomery Burns vs. Ross Perot match, and will take its revenge through South Park(tm), characters if necessary.

Beware the Bravehard Jihad (There is No Jihad)....

- Boba "You have been warned..." Foot (There is No Boba Foot)

Hidaly-ho, Grudge-a-roonies! Why, I must say, I was just tickled pink-diddly-ink to see all the Springfield kids in the match, especially my two little boys, Rod and Todd (God bless 'em!). And as their proud-a-roonie father, I'd like to say a few things. First of all, if any of you have been keeping up with those fan-diddly-tastic Simpsons Holloween specials, you'd know by now that not only am I the Prince of Darkness, but also a Werewolf! And I assure you that my sons sure weren't gyp-diddly-ipped when it comes to their dad's evil powers.

Besides, I made a little bargain with the other team's coach: He sold me his soul in exchange for a date with Kathy-Lee!

- Ned Flanders, Bealza-diddly-Bub-a-roonie

A grudge match like this comes down to one main thing, a previously undiscovered factor in Grudge Matches- Simpsons Factor (TM). Let me elaborate.

Montgomery Burns beat Ross Perot in a presidential election. Homer beat Norm in an eating contest. Groundskeeper Willy beat William Wallace, Krusty the Klown beat Ronald McDonald, Bozo and Homey, and Bart took down Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes fame, surely a monumental achievement in itself.

Apart from wimpy Ned Flanders, the only time the Simpsons have ever lost a match was when Itchy and Scratchy were pitted against each other with Ren and Stimpy. The only time Star Trek has ever won a match is when Data and Spock were pitted against each other. There it is; the perfect inverse of Star Trek Factor(TM)- Simpsons Factor (TM). Bart and company are gonna ride this out for an easy victory against South Park.

- Tatewaki Kuno

Although the South Park crew has quite a few advantages in this match, I have to go with Springfield, for a simple reason. While the US, Russia, and a few other countries have some legitimate claims to being hockey-lovin' nations, producing both good players and hard-core supporters, I'm afraid that no one comes close to Canada in the hockey fanaticism race. Canadians live and breathe this game, and their fans are absolutely bloodthirsty, even when their home teams seriously suck. South Park, as anyone who has seen their feature film can attest, has pretty much alienated that certain third of NAFTA with such musical numbers as "Blame Canada," mockery of Canada's so-called celebrities, and ruthless spotlighting of the country's overall uselessness. The promise of violent revenge, combined with their normal levels of hockey-centered devotion, brings Canadians out in droves for this game. Spectator rage ensures that nothing is left of the South Park squad but some gristle for the Zamboni. Springfield by default.

- Phatjunx

Springfield's children will cream the south park kids

1) the teachers. Springfield has a vietnam veteran leading them. Barts survival in gurellia war against that authority without a convienent jungle put's his survival skills one step above rambo's.

2) Food. Springfield children can survive Lunch Lady doris. This is GRADE F MEAT! (circus animals, some filler). Chocolate salty balls are a confectionary. The springfield children will go into a foaming frenzy in order to get the cheesy poofs. NO FORCE ON EARTH CAN STOP THAT

3) Corporate sponsorship. South park has no rich person as a resident and has shot bill gates. Result Their team has no sponsors. The Springfield kids though can get Mr burns'es support. We are talking mark 2 flying monkeys, & uniforms capable of withstanding nuclear strikes. Advantage springfield.

4)Divine intervention. Both sides have claimed Heaven & Hades on their side. But the springfield versions are more active. Bart has been saved through express orders of the lowest, and the flanderer's are more in touch than anyone since Jesus. The park versions are too self interested to help out, result the parting of the defense pack.

- D. Merzel

The influence of Kenny's death on the Springfield players would have been a great point a few years ago, but it sure doesn't apply now. Did anyone even flinch when Flanders' wife died? Barely. Even Mr. Hypersensitive himself was ready to get it on again before the end of the episode. The death of "Grimey" went by with nary a tear shed. I think it's pretty clear that Springfield has realized, "Damn, we're on the same network as _When Animals Attack Small Infants_, obviously humanity has given up on itself, so why should we care either?"

Thus, the only remorse you'll hear when Kenny dies is a trademark Nelson "HA HA!". The rest will go something like this:

"You killed Kenny! You ... *MMPH*"

The rest goes unfinished as Nelson and Co plow their fists into the SP kids' paper faces. Seeing the bloodshed, Satan begins to root for Springfield instead, causing a riot in the SP section of the bleachers. Chef sees the ruckus and thinks it's an orgy, and runs from the bench to dive into the action - and is quickly arrested by Chief Wiggum when Chef's pants drop. (Sure, Wiggum usually misses everything, but in this scenario he's going to be itching for a chance to misuse his authority on behalf of Springfield's team.)

When Brian Boitano steps out to take the coaching position, Bart drills a slapshot into his shins, causing the prissyboy to yell, "Oh, my precious legs! My beautiful, silky smooth legs!" Boitano runs away in a rather effeminate fashion, fearing that any further injuries could end his skating career permanently.

No coaches left, plus during the chaos Nelson has been busy pelting Cartman with shot after shot, causing injuries too numerous to count. It seems that with Cartman's weight-training diet of cheezy poofs and weight-gaining 'health' food, he has grown to his Kathie-Lee-Gifford-attracting bulk. This of course meant that he couldn't find hockey equipment on the planet that could fit him, so he's been taking shot after shot into his unprotected, flabby body. Obviously even if the game goes on, SP's goaltending capabilities are long out of the picture.

- EV-9D9 (aka josh g.)

Cartman. True, all he has to do is stand in front of the goal and let the shots bounce off him, but this will prove to be his undoing. Bart, Nelson, and co will soon start *aiming* for Cartman. After being assulted by barrages of pucks, Cartman will utter his infamous prase: "Screw you guys, I'm going home" and leave. This will leave the South Park goal completely unprotected. The result, the Springfield Fighting Protons win by a margin too large to count.

- The Animator

Southpark will destroy the Simpsons! Here's why... Violence, sheer utter violence. Do the Simpsons have any warnings before their show? Does their show have to be shown at night to keep children's virgin ears safe? No. The profanity these kids have will impress Bart, Jimbo, and Nelson, not to mention that with their inability to call anyone a butt pipe, these words will send them into a shock, kind of like Lisa drinking the water at Duff Gardens. Also, the kids of Southpark are violent. They can take a hit and they don't cry. Any one of the children on the Simpsons gets hit and they do that same annoying wail they always do when they run away. Plus, you have the factors of the creators of the shows. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are younger, plus they played professional Baseketball, which means the Southpark kids will definitely resort to cheap tricks. They have to face the wiles of Matt Groening. Matt Groening? I know his name is pronounced "Gray-ning" but please, its "Groaning", and we all know it. The man probably got his ass kicked by guys like Parker and Stone in school and had made up his own pronunciation. They'll probably lay down on the ice and wait for Cartman to skate over their necks.

- Scott "Asses of Fire" Berger

All the gadgets in the world won't save South Park. Not Chef's singing and mojo, not Stan's puke (puke is an effective puck stopper - I've seen it), not Kenny's corpse, not even the 80 foot satellite dish (or ice cream truck, depending on the episode) spawned in Cartman's rectum. In addition, South Park has a worse record than the L.A. Clippers at virtually all sports.

- The SimMaster™

I grew up in Colorado. I even went to CU at the same time as the South Park creators, and I majored in math like one of them. I am just tired of people thinking South Park is a documentary.

- Blue Mambomaster from North Park

SouthPark is simply an "anything-for-a-cheap-laugh" cartoon, whereas the Simpsons, on a few occasions, actually uses a touching plotline, such as the episode where Bleeding Gums Murphy died, or the episode where Apu and his wife had 8 children (albeit there were a lot of cheap laughs in both episodes). Anyway, it's more likely that the SouthParkians will lose in some funny way and the SpringFielders will win with a relatively-heart-warming-yet-humorous note.

- The Amazing Servo-Crowation Man!!!

Pip is English. they are playing a sport, ergo there will be English Soccer fans (they dont care what the sport is really). One might think this would mean a victory for South Park as the Soccer Fans storm the rink and (after much humourous sliding about) bludgeon the Springfield team to a bloody mess with broken bottles (the glorious weapon that symbolises English Pride ever since St George Slew the Dragon with a jagged edged flagon of ale). However, if Pip speaks, it will become clear that Pip is in fact a toff. No one speaks like that unless they are a toff. Southpark loses.

- Seb Rabit

The Victors of this match shall be none other than Thurgood Stubbs and the newly formed "Projects Hockey League". Armed with both project survival skills and apathy towards human suffering, they will simply wait for both teams to destroy themselves, then swoop in for the victory. Smokey the crackhead will rekindle his relationship with his old friend, Chef. And Jimmy the Korean will be able to distract Apu by luring him into conversation about the woes their countries have suffered at the hands of English-speaking peoples. Even groundskeeper Willy's precious Zamboni will not be safe, for Thrugood J. Stubbs expertise in all things mechanical will allow him to destroy it if necessary, or commandeer it for use in the Project's victory.

- Uncle Pervy

The kids from South Park will "kick ass". Sure Kenny will die, but don't forget the boy knows how to fart fire and has explosive diareha. Kenny will take out at least half the Springfield team with a giant blast from his ass. Speaking of farting power never forget the power of Eric "Fat Ass" Cartman. Bottom line: South Park by a landslide

- chad blevins

The game would be called when Homer dives onto the ice to eat the Peppermint patty that the kids are batting around. As The police escort Homer out of the arena Chef, would break into a song in an attempt to seduce Marge. Kenny will be killed when Willy runs him over with Nessie; Kenny was trying to steal Willy's retirement grease in order to get food for his family.

- Chamberlain

The ultimate weapon in this battle of the brats is Krusty-O's! (Now with flesh eating bacteria!) One bowl full slid toward Cartman, and the Southparkians will be sans goalie. Without the big (and I mean BIG) C to guard the goal, Springfield will be unstoppable.

- Tirdun

We gather today to bid farewell to perhaps the best ring announcer ever--Mr. Michael "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" Buffer. As we reflect on his life, we all certainly remember his last words: "And, in the goal, Eric 'Fat Ass' Cartman." Surely, equally etched in our memories will be the last words Michael heard: "Respect my authoritay!" Moreover, we'll never be able to eat "Cheesy Poofs" without remembering the doctors trying feverishly to remove the snack treats from several of Michael's body cavities.

- Mark Wentz

The key to this match lies in determining which show better fits its purpose, and thus is the better show. Now, both the Simpsons and South Park are satire/parody type shows, and it is established fact that the best satire is the cruelest, and cruelty is a trait associated with being evil. Ergo, in order to see which show is better, we must determine which one is eviler. Let's go down the list of evils...

The Devil: When considering evil, it is always best to consider the source of it. Now, the Simpsons has had the Dark One appear in the form of Ned Flanders, while in South Park the Father of Lies takes the form of Saddam Hussein's gay lover; pretty much even here. But in the South Park movie Satan has a moving musical number. When cartoons break into songs during movies, it can mean only one thing: the touch of DISNEY is upon the film! Surely this is the foulest evil of all, and South Park must obviously claim more evilness than the people of Springfield! But wait, there's still more to consider...

Gore/Profanity: Two of the largest elements that shape the evil of a show, at least according to the MPAA. Now, the Simpsons is happy to hint at things in the background, but when it comes to blatant R-rated type activities they just never come through; any word above "damn" is never spoken and as for gore, they can't even have a splash of blood when Groundskeeper Willie gets an axe in the back during a Halloween episode! South Park's efforts, on the other hand, are downright legendary by this point. The movie set a new record for most profanity in a single movie, and the show is only slightly less fervant in its use. And as for gore, any show that repeatedly kills a character in ever more gruesome ways AND shows his corpse being devoured by rodents afterwards has that category in the bag! Again, the edge in evil belongs to South Park.

Evilest child character: For the Simpsons we have Bart in this category. Now, Bart certainly TRIES to be evil, but like all of the Simpsons he inevitably has a strong moral streak that keeps his wrong actions to mere lovable antics. But South Park possesses Cartman; dear God, how many ways can you hate the boy? He's got probably all the Seven Deadly Sins in him (well, he's too young for Lust, but with his mom I think it's safe to say that'll change with puberty), he's a blatant racist, and he's dressed up as Hitler/a KKK member for Halloween. And his ability to throw lightning as demonstrated in the South Park movie is an obvious nod to Star Wars's Emperor Palpatine, thus demonstrating the Dark Side is strong with this boy. Pretty much nobody besides his mom actually likes him; suffice it to say when it comes to evil Cartman makes Bart look like a saintly Boy Scout.

Evilest Adult Character: The closest to this idea in the Simpsons would have to be Homer, but like Bart he has a core of goodness that cripples his evil abilities. And most of his wrong actions are by ignorance rather than design. South Park... well, unless you're a member of the Religious Right (in which case you'd pick Big Gay Al as the most evil), the character most likely to fit this description would be Sheila Brockman, AKA Kyle's mom. Cartman has repeatedly announced she is a b***h, and truer words have never been spoken. Her ability to embrace assine causes is unmatched; the entire plot of the South Park movie basically revolves around her going on a wild crusade to cause war between the US and Canada, and her role in the show is much the same. And like all the truest evil beings, she has repeatedly claimed her actions were for "the good of the children" as justification for some of the most petty infringements of the rights of others. The scariest thing about her evil is that it is in fact a real evil we pay for every day as some fanatic gets Yet Another Stupid Law passed to pester our lives. Obviously Homer has nothing on her in the evil department.

With stats like these in their corner, it's obvious South Park is the most evil of the two shows. With a willingness to embrace that much darkness, South Park will inevitably win in anything you care to put the Simpsons up against them with, because they are ruthless enough to do whatever it takes to get the victory. Of course, this is one category Springfield's favorite family is probably glad to lose in...

- "Mad Dog" Mike

Interesting analysis. But what of Itchy & Scratchy and C. Montgomery Burns? -- Eds.

The game quickly settles into a defensive struggle. Lisa's unerring reflexes keep South Park off the scoreboard, while Cartman shows surprising dexterity with his glove saves, under the impression that Springfield players are shooting Ding Dongs at him. Several tooth- marked pucks must be removed from play.

Some substitutions are needed early. Todd Flanders obviously isn't playing his best against a team with Jesus on its side, and poor Pip is groggy from getting checked more often than a census form. (Kenny also takes his lumps, but keeps coming back for more.) Springfield's bench is deeper, but the effect isn't decisive, and the first period ends scoreless.

Midway through the second, Chef starts his serenade strategy against Lisa, but it backfires. Mister Garrison, scandalized by the pedophilic implications, issues a bench major and ejection, with a second major tacked on for Chef's parting words about where Mister Hat can go. Still, with Kyle's mom taking the helm, South Park kills off the power play and keeps the game tied at zero through two.

The turning point comes early in the third, when the simmering war of trash-talk between Bart and Cartman boils over. Cartman waddles out of the crease after Bart in response to one particular comment (not well heard by fans, but apparently involving someone named "Seymour Butz"). A quick pass to Millhouse, and Springfield is on the board.

Kyle's mom tries to settle her goalie, but ends up pulling him instead after a series of insults she hears only too well. Cartman yanks off his skates and hurls them at Nelson for his "HA-ha!" taunt, but succeeds only in impaling Kenny on the boards with one of them.

South Park's resident public access host is a magnificent substitute goalie--after all, "Jesus Saves"--but Lisa bears down to preserve Springfield's 1-0 win. Victory is slightly marred, though, by Stan and Kyle's rude jokes about the shape of the trophy.

- Call me Shane

This Mismatch of kids ended in a flurry of blood, sweat, and cheesy poofs.

Because Ralph is a "Special" child, [Chief Wiggum] was bound to show up at every activity in Springfield to strengthen his "social skills." Since Ralph was such a handicap, Chief Wiggum felt that it was only fair to tip the balance just a bit. To the horror of chefs everywhere, the chief cooked up a dish of chili to "extend a hand of freindship and good sportsmanship" to the South Park team. But the Team from Colorado was not aware of the secret ingredient of the Chief's Chili....


Grown deep primevil in a Guatemalan rain forest by inmates of an Insane Asylum!!

The presence of the peppers was discoved when kids on the South Park team began convulsing, staggering about, trying to lick the ice, and mumbling about deserts.

- Crude Oil

panting breathlessly as he runs into the room...

I...just got... here from... the OLD PLACE! And... know what? (gasping) It's... CLOSED!!!

(Chris regains his composure)

Okay, great new digs, guys! As far as the match goes, let's cut to the chase--

Oooh, I'm sorry. That's all the time we have. Try to remember the address next time. -- Eds

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight was arrested for vagrancy and loitering over at the old abandoned Ground Zero factory


What makes any of you think that the ice can actually hold Cartman's weight?

- D@t@-Kun

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Groundskeeper Willy vs. William "Braveheart" Wallace
Bart vs. Calvin
Other Simpsons™ based Grudge Matches™

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Next Match: Wasted time.
ETA: Monday, March 20th, 2000

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