World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

In a small Mexican town just south of the border, a group of whiny ethnic mice commiserate within their hole in the wall. "Oh, I am so hungry," moans one of them. "I need a taco... or an enchilada... or a chalupa!"

"Si," adds another mouse. "I would love a chalupa very much."

"Look everyone! It's Speedy!"

With a blaze of sound, dust and cat hissing, Speedy races into the hole. "Hola senors... and senorita!" He glances over at a beautiful female mouse, who flirts back. "Why all ze long faces?"

"Oh, Speedy... we are so hungry... and that mean el gato will not let us out. Please... find us a chalupa."

"Do not worry me amigos," replies Speedy. "I will find you a chalupa to eat. Arriba, arriba, arriba! Andale, andale, andale!" With that, he races out of the mouse house, past the lurking and frustrated cat, and into the town.

He quickly finds himself inside a small shack. Against a wall, Speedy spots an el grande chalupa in a dog bowl. He races to the bowl, grabs the chalupa, and turns around... only to find a chihuahua blocking his only exit. The chihuahua is eyeing his chalupa, and Speedy. "Senor mouse... drop the chalupa and back away."

So, Steve, will the sad, slow senors and senoritas slowly starve, or will circumstances create a chalupaless chihuahua?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua
The Taco Bell Chihuahua


Speedy Gonzalez
Speedy Gonzalez

The Commentary

STEVE: I'm sure everyone will agree with me that Speedy will easily walk away, chalupa in hand, before poor El Chihuahua (let's call him "Taco") even knows what happened. This match might as well be Tom vs. Jerry or Tweety vs. Sylvester. The outcome is 100% certain.

First of all, Speedy Gonzalez is aptly named. He's just too damn fast. Now I may not have seen every Taco Bell (tm) commercial, but of those I have, Taco is more reminiscent of Christopher Reeves than of any kind of able-bodied chalupa protector. His head moves, and he talks, but that's about it. This is hardly the competitor to stop a supersonic mouse in search of food for his starving friends.

Second, Speedy is the hero of this scenario, and the protagonist always wins. And what could be more hero-like than saving the lives of poor starving mouse-peasants from the evil yap-dog who hordes food? In fact, hasn't Taco just been placed in the role of Sylvester here? And doesn't Sylvester always lose miserably? Taco should count his blessings that he only loses a chalupa; he could find himself locked in a room with a pissed-off El Toro, or perhaps with 10,000 cocked mousetraps backfiring on him.

BRIAN: Do you just not care anymore, Steve? Did you even bother reading the scenario? No, the chihuahua has not been placed in the role of Sylvester -- there's a cat that clearly fits that role. In fact, Taco is an additional hindrance that Speedy is not used to. Normally, the simple act of grabbing the cheese or other desired murine foodstuff is the easy part; the hard part is getting around the cat to get there and back. Now there's another obstacle. Plus, Speedy will also be carrying a Taco Bell product, which have been known to tilt SUVs. What will it do to a mouse? And how will it affect his speed? Even if by some miracle he initially gets by the taco dog, he's a sitting duck for the el gato. Once that happens, the chihuahua can scare off the cat (based on the very rigid cartoon food chain) and eat the chalupa at his leisure.

You don't seem to realize how formidable an opponent this chihuahua is. This is no ordinary "shake and pee on itself" rat dog that I previously railed against. This is the same dog that took on Godzilla, and then tamed him enough to take him through the drive thru. Even more amazing, he's able to withstand a diet of Taco Bell! One thousand burrito supremes are what gave Godzilla that fiery breath, yet the chihuahua remains largely unfazed. This suggests supernatural abilities. Taco is playing Superman to Speedy's Flash, and we all know who ran the show at the Hall of Justice. And any animal that has such strong ties to Grudge Match Lore (tm) has a lot going for him. If this match was the chihuahua vs. a chihuahua's weight in Speedy Gonzalezes, then it might be a fight.

If Speedy is smart, he'll realize the folly of taking on the chihuahua, drop the chalupa, and ditch those lazy, mooching "friends" of his. My money says he hops a boat to Cuba to save his cousin Elian.

STEVE: Brian, don't you get it? You can throw in as many protective animals as you want: Cats, Dogs, Chihuahuas, Giraffes, Hippopotamuses -- it just doesn't matter. Speedy can navigate with ease through any amount. Have you ever seen him not succeed? I assure you that this rat-dog-thing called a chihuahua is no match. Maybe if we had Speedy's cousin Slowpoke Rodriguez instead, then we'd have a match-up that could be debated.

Also, let me get this straight: You're comparing Taco to Superman?! Seek mental help immediately. If there's even the remotest comparison of Taco to any superhero, it'd be Gleek.

Simple physics can also easily prove Speedy's victory. The Standard Hierarchy of Animals(tm) proceeds in the following order: Dog, Cat, Mouse. Dog chases cat, cat chases mouse. The situation is analogous to a positive-negative-positive charge, or perhaps a north-south-north set of magnetic poles. But in this situation, the cat is out of the picture, and we just have Dog, Mouse. Then we have just positive-positive, or north-pole to north-pole. The result? Repulsion. Obviously, the two can never even get near each other as they are repelled by one of the fundamental forces of the universe. Taco can't stop Speedy because he can't get near him. Elementary.

Any way you look at it, it's clear that this Hispanic version of David and Goliath will result in (1) the above mentioned chaluplaless chihuahua, (2) Speedy getting lucky with a certain senorita mouse, and (3) an end to the Grudge-Match chihuahua-loving madness.

BRIAN: I'm sorry... magnetism? How exactly is the cat *attracted* to the dog that's trying to eat him? Please go watch 48 straight hours of The Discovery Channel, because you need a refresher course. Magnetism has no place here -- it's simple mathematics. Dog > cat, cat > mouse, ergo: dog > mouse. It's not like there isn't precedent for this. We've had a dog face a mouse on Grudge Match before, and the dog prevailed there. And the dog will prevail here.

A key factor is motivation. Speedy doesn't have it. *He's* not the one who's starving. Plus, this is Mexico -- I'm sure he can find another chalupa that's unguarded, and he can still zip past el gato to impress the woman. What's the big deal for him? I mean, if this match had happened a few months ago when he was banned from Cartoon Network, he might have had a bit of The Rage™, but that's been settled. El Chihuahua, however, is down and out. He got canned by Taco Bell over 2 years ago, and the best gig he's found since is playing comic foil to the Geico Gecko™. He's desperate. Speedy doesn't need that chalupa. If Taco doesn't get it, he'll probably die.

Odds are, Speedy will realize that he's got nothing to gain here, so he'll drop the chalupa and move on. If he doesn't, then Taco may have himself an appetizer. I mean, even if Speedy manages to somehow get out of the shack, Taco will undoubtedly pursue, which will launch him fully into the Looney Tunes world. So what role will he assume? That of the other yap dog: the puppy that barks and surprises Claude the cat, causing him to shoot up to the ceiling. When Speedy gets close to the mouse hole, he hides behind the corner of a building. "I lost that dog, but now I must get past el gato--" "YAP! YAP! YAP! YAP!" Speedy drops the chalupa and shoots straight up in the air. But because he's outside, and because he's so fast, he keeps on going. All the way to the moon. And since cartoon moons are routinely made of green cheese, he ain't ever coming back.

The Results

Speedy Gonzalez

Speedy Gonzalez (2352 - 70.7%)


The Taco Bell Chihuahua

The Taco Bell Chihuahua (977 - 29.3%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
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Voter Comments


I'm sorry to disappoint looney toons fans, because I am going with taco bell dog on this match. Because I have worked at Taco Bell, and I know that their meat is in fact made of fuzzy animals like Speedy. So the poor Seniors and Senoras will not starve, they will soon be the main ingredient in the Chalupa.

- Raveth of the Labrynth

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

With a thundering, helium-induced cry of "Arrrrrrrriiiibaaaaaa", Speedy Gonzalez zips behind Taco, and leaps into the air to deliver a kick to the pooch's cajones. To the mouse's great surprise, he discovers that (people gasp here) Taco is a FEMALE!!!! Yes, that rowdy scamp you all know and love is actually a lil lady dog! This discovery shocks Speedy at first, but he soon overcomes his surprise. The mouse, in the blink of an eye, lives up to his name, and zips back to his hole with chalupa in hand. Several months later, Taco gives birth to a cute litter of mouse-dogs, and you want to know something funny? No one noticed the difference.

- sPeciAL eD

[Ed: One of our own in-house researchers discovered this amazing fact as well...]

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Taco will win. After years of running to the bathroom after eating taco bell food he will actually be faster than speedy.

- ex agent

Have you ever seen Taco actually get a chalupa?

- Meranalf

Normally, Senor Speedy's Quick-Footed Notoriety (tm) would easily defeat the Taco Lord's Toy Dog Sprint (tm), but The Almighty CheeWaaWaa (tm) has set a trap for our hero! As soon as he runs past with the fabled Chalupa, his feet land in a pool of Quick Drying Acme Cement (tm) that Taco has laid for him! All those years of watching old cartoons have finally paid off for Taco. He was ready for him. If the cement hadn't gotten him, The well-placed Time Displacement Field (tm) would have slowed him down enough for Taco to catch up. He stuggles in the substance, but to no avail. Taco tackles him out of the cement and devours him in a Splash Of Blood And Fur (tm). The chalupa lands nearby.

"Ay! Muchos Chalupos for the Mastair El Swordos (tm)!" exclaims Antonio Banderas as he stabs the chalupa with a Really Long Pointy Sword (tm), picks it up and eats it. "Sayonara, El Taco Bell Sewer Rat (tm)! Ay!" He runs and punts Taco clear over the horizon. "O-lay!"

- Matt

This happens in every single Sppedy Gonzales cartoon I've ever seen:

Mouse 1-"We need Speedy Gonzales"
Mouse 2-"I can get Speedy Gonzales! Speedy knows my sister!"
Mouse 1-"Speedy knows everybody's sister!"

Now come on. We all know he's doing for the little mouse chicks. And Speedy ALWAYS gets the little mouse chicks. And Speedy knows that no chalupa means no mouse chicks. Speedy will get the chalupa (and the little mouse chicks), if he has to run down the chihuahuas throaght, grab the chalupa out of his stomach, and run back out through his tail, he'll do it.

- Spooner

Hmm... poor Mexicans (mice) being controlled by a ruthless crime figurehead (dog)? This reminds me of a very likely scenario of The A-Team. The way I see it, Face scams his way into a job at the local Taco Bell™, thus gaining access to the Holy Taco Stash. Hannibal decides to utilize a half-Pinscher movement™ and go right through the front, "just like the Trojan horse." Thusly, B.A. (with the help of Murdock) turns an ordinary pick-up truck into a certified Deathmobile™ with grenade launchers made out of human feces. The A- Team blasts right through the front window, causing a horde of Taco Bell lovers (if there is such a thing) to run screaming from the building, where it's easy pickins for the tacos. "I love it when a plan comes together."

- Grudge-Pops™: Now in new gangrene flavor!

Either the Chihuahua's selfishness causes the Spanglish-speaking rats to starve, or Speedy feeds them a Taco Bell chalupa. The object is comparable to a game of "Who Gets to Sign Your Death Warrant?"

- Charge Man

This is so obvious, that even Fluffy The Goldfish(TM) could figure it out. Speedy's screwed seven ways to Sunday.

Let's look at both competitors:

Speedy: A one-trick mouse. Look, all he ever did was beat up Sylvester, and he didn't even do it funny! Tweety beat up Sylvester and it was funny. Speedy beat up Sylvester by going "Ande-le! Ande- le!" and Sylvester got scared.

Taco: A chichuachua with THE RAGE(TM). Look, poor Taco was fired by Taco Bell. TACO BELL! The place that will kill you if you just read the menu. And these guys fired Taco! This dog did Star Wars and Godzilla. He has The Force(TM) and the Giant Killer Lizard(TM) factors. Speedy's f***ed worse than Brendan W Guy after Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee(TM) finds him.

So, after Taco uses a lightsaber to cut up Speedy and feeds the pieces on a burrito(TM) to Godzilla(TM), he gulps down the chalupa and finishes it off with el gato and all the starving mices.

- The Hooligan of Doom, now raising Chichuachuas

Gotta go with the mouse on this one. When Speedy was taken off the air on Cartoon Network by Ted Turner's Politically Correct Thought Police public outcry brought him back in short order. Dinky the dog has worked only once since he got laid off. Anyone who can defeat the sinister forces of the Evil Overlord Ted Turner will make short work of a hard core unemployable mutt.

- Claymore

Steve, Brian...

I know you guys are the brains behind this whole thing, and for that i salute you. However, you've forgotten something profoundly important.

WARNER BROTHERS CARTOONS DO NOT DIE. EVER. They're randomly shot, stabbed, drowned, electrocuted, blown up, thrown off cliffs, even occasionally swallowed by bigger animals, and they always walk away unscathed. Speedy is never hurt, since he runs through all the traps set for him, but he's still protected by the basic law. Speedy wins the match and gets the chalupa back to his friends. However, since it is Mexican food, the obvious result is stomach pain and intestinal distress. Even the "fastest mouse in all Mexico" won't be able to make it to the bathroom in time.

- Scotty J.

Perhaps it was because I was just talking to my friend about the joys of Sesame Street, or perhaps it's just the fact that I just drank a liter of windex(TM), thinking that it was new Pepsi Blue, but I say they simply do the non-grudge thing and share the Chalupa. If only that damned Super Sugar Crisp Bear had learned such a lesson, then perhaps he'd still have a job... the selfish bastard.

- Noel of Team Rocket

Very simple. TB doggie will win, but it will be a fruitless victory. You see, while Speedy and TBD are fighting, Taco Bell will lose its spokesman. The battle for the animal spokesman market is now between the Geico(tm) gecko and the Aflak(tm) goose. The goose willl lose his head to angry mobs who have gone deaf from hearing the damn goose scream "AAAAAAAFFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK" in that throaty voice of his. The goose and Speedy are dead, the Chihuahua is out of a job, and the Geico(tm) gecko is the champion.

- Blimpie

Speedy takes this all the way.

The reasoning is simple, this fight is taking place in Mexico, Speedy is a native, and Taco, is well, a wimp.

I am reminded of a particular ad for taco ball in the grocery store. Everyone got a free dog with purchase. As the family was leaving the store Taco asked with all seriousness, "You do have cable right?"

Now we're in Mexico, which by all accounts is not quite as luxurious as suburbia, this dog, who can't even survive without cable, would not last five minutes south of the border.

Speedy past the dog in three seconds, and then four minutes fifty-seven seconds evading the cat in hilarious hijinks.

- thebaumbomb

Why would Speedy© even trifle with 'Taco', when he could just go
to the local Taco Bell© and use his popularity to score a dozen
chalupas? He might even become the new mascot for Taco Bell©.

Perhaps he could get TB to replace the beef with cat flesh.

- Captain Olimar, sworn protector small animals

Did ya ever see the cartoon where Speedy plays tennis with himself? He hits the ball, and then he runs to the other side of the court so fast, that he hits it again. Imagine him doing that with a baseball bat and a chihuahua.

- Mad Skyro G-88

This is just another in the endless list of sterotype Grudgematches. I refuse to participate, as it implies that Latinos are fast, cheese loving, and wear hats.

And despite the fact that I'm a Dutch-German-English-Irish-Italian- American, it hurts so damn much.

- Johnny Ginter

Newsflash people: The Taco Bell Dog stopped being funny and cute 2 years ago. After 50 different commercials from this little dog, the response went from "AWWWWWW! what a cute little dog! and such a funny little accent!" to "Jesus, this stupid dog again... I don't even like Taco Bell." On the other hand, Speedy is not only one of the more popular Warner Brothers characters (besides Daffy and Bugs), but he is also still popular today. Why do you ask? Speedy has had 4... count em... 4 Game Boy games as of now. If he can get that many and the Taco Bell dog gets stuck being the straight man to the Geico Geko... then I think we know who's going to win this one... Epilouge: The Taco Bell Dog quietly retired to the home of old and forgotten TV mascots, which includes the dancing Blockbuster baby, the Aflac Duck, and those two animated bottles of bleach who do the clorox commercials. Speedy went on to defeat Oscar De La Hoya for the WBC Super Light Feather, Aluminumweight Title.

- Former Silver Grudge medal winner Dane "The New Prodigy"

As a hardcore Looney Tunes fan, I know Speedy's combat strategies. And they ain't much.

A) Run behind his adversary and attack his derriere with a mousetrap, fire, etc.

Won't work. Speedy's cornered. Ever try to get around a hungry dog while carrying food? Nearly impossible.

B) Startle an opponent with a loud "YEE-haw!"

I doubt high-pitched noises will really affect a chihuahua, who probably has a loud cry himself.

C) Sabotage a trap so it backfires.

No tricks here. It's a direct physical confrontation.

D) Run around like mad, hoping the enemy will accidentally injure himself in the confusion.

If the dog was carrying a chainsaw, maybe. But all he has to do here is bide his time.

Fortunately for Speedy, help is on the way. Slowpoke Rodriguez has finally arrived. None of this subtle crap for Slowpoke; he knows what's effective. He mesmerizes the dog with a hypnotic stare and then blows him away with a shotgun. After that it's a simple task of Speedy racing home with the chalupa and humiliating El Loco Gato in a predictable way.

The peasant mice have a feast to celebrate. Slowpoke sits in the corner, cleaning his gun. He turns to Speedy.

"Do you know what they call a burrito in France?"

- Oxymoron (Mucho Loco in El Cabasa)

Ironically enough, I found myself voting for Senor Speedy in this match for the same reason why I voted AGAINST fellow countryman Cheech & partner Chong two matches ago. I shall henceforth refer to this reason as the NRA (Negative Recollection Association (TM), with full apologies to Charlton Heston.

The Taco Bell Dog ("Gidget" by name, if I remember correctly, and yes, he WAS actually a she), brings to my mind recollections of incessant chants of "Here, Lizard, Lizard, Lizard" from the talking plushie that marked the Godzilla promotion which Brian was so swift to cite as one of the dog's ADVANTAGES in this match. Many a time I found myself wanting to take a fucking badminton racket to that annoying thing just to stop its yapping from haunting me in my dreams. Granted, Speedy himself has never been known for keeping his trap shut, but I never found myself sleepwalking around the house at 3 in the morning, eyes bloodshot, moaning "Arriba, arriba, yee-HAAA".

Also, it is clear from this scenario that Speedy has yet to actually sample the food item that he and his compadres so crave, and is consequentally not slowed down by cramping gas pains. The colon, she is a cruel mistress...

- RoboGoober98

Yeah, I know I sent in a response for this one already, but I thought you guys should know this. Due to the boredom of my summer and the fact that I am a geek with a new computer, I am creating a spreadsheet algorithm that can predict the winner of any Grudge Match. I thought it would take a lot of tinkering to make it work, but on my first trial run it predicted the winners of each of the first five matches, after I adjusted for the Star Trek Villain Anomaly that skewed my prediction on Khan v. Luthor. It even guessed the voting ratios on Terminator v. Predator and Darth Vader v. Obi-Wan to two decimal places. Really!

Heartened by my success, I ran the current match. It predicts Speedy will win with 72.1% of the vote. Cross your fingers - this may be a revolution in Grudgematchry

- Shadowkiller again

[Ed: It ended up at 70.7%. Clearly, you're way off...]

I'm sorry, but i find it impossible to vote for either contestant. Recent grudge match events will have a large impact on the outcome of this match. Everyone is obviously forgetting that Cheech and Chong won a match over the McKenzies not that long ago. I'm sure that they haven't done anything but smoke since then. By now, they probably have ended up in Mexico with the biggest case of the munchies in recorded history. However, I'm also sure that they won't have any money left.

The result: While the fight is going on, Cheech will pick up the chalupa and begin eating it while Chong asks in amazement,"hey man, did that chihuaha just talk?"

- Old HickDonald

What kind of travesty is this? Beloved icon Speedy Gonzales against an... an advertising shill? We know how this kind of thing goes:
  • Mr. T mops up Mr. Clean
  • Krusty socks it to Ronald
  • Winnie beats the stuffing out of Snuggles
  • Kermit gigs Louie
  • Cookie Monster munches Keebler Elves
You'd think they'd learn: marketing tools have no chance going up against genuine characters. They will get beat down every time. That chihuahua is left in a painful position not usually survived by non-toons, and Speedy gets the Chalupa and the senorita.

- Denis "Andale! Andale!" Moskowitz

Hey, where's the Frito Bandito(TM) in all this? Not like he or the Taco Bell Chihuahua could beat a Looney Toon(TM), just curious. Methinks you guys are slippin', leaving out the Bandito in a battle of the gratuitous Mexican stereotypes like this...

- Andy the Anarchist

Being a guy who grew up watching Speedy run rings around Sylvester, I'd normally go for Speedy anyday of the week and twice on Sundays. However, this time he's been pitted against an opponent that can capitalise on his one weakness: sound.

Yes, you see chihauhaus are yappy dogs, the type you see rich old women carrying everywhere here in England. The reason they carry them? Because these dogs can bark at such a high pitch, they can shatter the bones in any potential mugger, reducing them to jelly. Now Speedy may be faster than most muggers but have you seen the size of his ears?

Unless he can get hold of some Acme earplugs in a hurry, it's going to be Taco chowing down on his chalupa, not the rapid rodent.

- Dante

Really, you guys have got to come up with better match-ups. The answer is obvious: Speedy will OWN the Taco Bell dog in mere seconds. Not only is Speedy faster, smarter, and more in tune with Mexican culture than Taco, but he has a such a gigantic advantage over him that I'm surprised you let Speedy into the ring: ACME(tm) products. If Speedy is ever in a rut dealing the dog, he can just whip out an AMCE(tm) Dog Whistle and blow as hard as he possibly can until he has caused deafness in the poor little thing. Once that is done, Speedy will call in an ACME(tm) Air Strike (I swear this was actually on a Speedy Gonzales show, I can't remember which one though). Taco will never hear it coming, and by the time he sees the F-22 fighters flying over him at speeds in excess of Mach 2, there will already be a baker's dozen of GBU "Bunker Buster" bombs within within 300 feet of him. Poor Taco will never have a chance. Once Speedy has disposed of what remains of the dog into the sewage ditch of a nearby ACME(tm) Chemical Plant, he will walk away with the chalupa, much to the happiness of Speedy's new-found friends. When the female mouse sees this, she will become so hot for Speedy she will drop to her knees and beg him to take her into bed (or whatever loving mice sleep on). So, everybody wins at the end, exceot for Taco, of course.

- God says, "YOU WILL BURN IN FLAMES... (cough) (sniff) Ahem, sorry."

I think this pretty much sums it up. ^_^

Hope you don't get indigestion on that dog, Speedy. I had carry-out Chinese the other night. Believe me, I know. ^_~

- George P

It all comes down to mouse farts. Being Mexican, Speedy eats a great deal of Mexican food. Mexican food is made with lots of beans, which cause a lot of flatulence; they are, after all, The Musical FruitTM. We can therefore conclude that much of his speed is results from extra thrust as the gas jets out of his colon. All that "Andale, andale, arriba, arriba" jazz is just to cover the embarassing noise of his frijole-powered Turbo BoostTM.

The Chihuahua uses his deadly arsenal of fighting techiniques (trembling and urinating) to little effect. Speedy dodges all over the restaurant in his usual evasive fashion, then disappears out the door in a cloud of dust and microscopic bean particles.

That's when disaster strikes. The county health inspector walks in for lunch and is horrified. He gags from the pungent aroma of mouse flatulence. There's a dog sitting in a pool of his own urine right in front of the counter. He closes the place immediately and calls in the Centers for Disease Control go-team (in bio-hazard suits) to inspect it. All of America's health inspectors quickly pay a visit to the Taco Bells in their jurisdictions. No matter how clean they are on average, microscopic scrutiny times thousands of inspections equals more restaurant closings. The company stock plummets, and so do half the members of the board of directors as they jump out the nearest convenient windows. The surviving board members arrange a tragic Carne Asada SteakTM slicing machine "accident" for the corporate mascot. Speedy gets the chalupa, the win and the kill.

- Mr. Silverback- Yo quero Rambette.

Although this is a match between Speedy Gonzales and the Taco Bell Chihuahua, it's a lot simpler than that. It comes down to a match between two Mexicans. And what happens when two Mexicans have a dispute? Clearly, Clint Eastwood must make an appearance. Yes; The Man With No Name (M.W.N.N.) will walk onto the scene, wearing his old, faded poncho, chewing on a cigar, and squinting under a sun beaten hat. His voice will never rise above a whisper, but before the fight even starts , M.W.N.N. will offer his services both to Speedy and to the Taco Bell mascot. Each will lower his guard when they think that Eastwood is working for them, giving Dirty Harry a chance to shoot them both, and walk off with the coveted Chalupa.

- Mike W., Big Ass Cardholder 9544.

It's matches like this that make my lonesome hours in the Grudge Towers sub-sub-sub™ basement reference library worthwhile. If either of you dimwits had taken time away from your elevator races to your penthouse suites, and done a little research before writing your commentary, you'd have discovered that Taco Bell hired a female chihuahua named Gidget.

Therefore, Speedy will turn the tables on Gidget, offering a romantic meal before engaging in some hot cross-species loving. If you wander into the library's "Thinkmaster Porn Annex", I'm sure you can find a video showing explicit mouse on dog action.

- HotBranch!

Advantage: Pepto Bismol

- They Call Me Marsh

As a Canadian whose nearest Taco Bell is devoid of selection, I must ask: what the !@#% is a CHALUPA?

- Tahna Los (I do like the Meximelt though)

[Ed: Yes, in some ways, Canada may be better than the US....]

"so my speedy amigo, are you ready to drop the chalupa?"
"si, but first I think you should turn around."
"you don't expect me to fall for that, do you Gonzales?"
"Amigo, I want you to meet my not-so-little friend."
A dark shadow falls across Taco.
"remember me?!" booms the rottweiller
Taco looks up at the looming canine before him and smiles.
"si." smirks the little rat-dog and whisltes.
Out of the shadows emerge a rottweiller's weight of hairless hell hounds.

Speedy looks into the camera and shrugs ..."here we go again." ...and speeds off with the chalupa.

- 014, twice as good as 007

The real factor in this match is not how fast one is, or who is better with sharp pointy teeth... But neck injuries.

Clearly, both contestants have neck problems. As with the Taco bell chiwow... chihauh... er... dog, you can see that its head is the same size and presumably the same mass as the rest of his body. Now, he also wears a collar, but as it is not tight, and metal, it probably pulls him down even more.

Now Speedy however, has a giant freakin' sombroer.... sombrear... er... hat on his head that probably weighs him down and causes drag when he runs. But, he also has a red hankerchief there tied tight to keep his head from falling off. Heck, it's so tight, if he even swallowed a chalupa, it'd probably burst his neck and spray mouse and cheese everywhere... Hmm... reminds me of this one time at Chuck. E. Cheese... er, nevermind..

Anyways, if Speedy takes off his hat, it'd give him a double advantage- no drag/weight, and he could blind the Chihow... *GRR* dog with the bald spot on his head....

So, in the end, the sombre... over the chihow...


- Peter Tutham

You're overlooking an important factor. That chihuahua is really, really annoying. His very presence can cause viewers at home to grit their teeth. There are entire websites, not to mention a few spots on, dedicated to blowing up, dismembering, shredding or otherwise destroying poor Taco. Speedy is repetitive, no doubt. But while repetitiveness is annoying, there's more to annoying than repetition, putting Taco tops on the annoyer factor. Result? After just a few minutes of dancing, Speedy will grow horribly weary and agitated with his opponent.

As a result, Speedy decides spending more time with Taco is not worth the biggest chalupa in all of Me-hi-co, drops his prize and makes a break for it. No longer carrying the chalupa, he now manages to fit through a small crack in the wall. (If you think I'm being absurd, please notice how frequently these appear in his cartoons.) Taco, however, will not let this go, Speedy has defiled his chalupa, and Taco must now kill Speedy to defend his honor. Speedy heads back to his amigos' hole in the wall to regroup, leading to a cat-dog encounter. Dog + Cat = BOOM! The cartoon cat, just by being a cartoon cat, may as well be holding up a sign saying "You're mother's a filthy w---e, wanna make something of it, punk?" He is now top priority for Taco.

In Taco's distraction, Speedy is able to go back and retrieve the chalupa. His mouse friends rejoice and he has a little G-rated action with his senorita. His mission is over, and he can just hang out around the mouse hole now. Taco, being a commercial character and used to situations only a few minutes long, has a short attention span. He goes off for a Gordita, and the match ends in a draw.

- -Leftomaniac ("I want some taquitos")

Whats in a name? Lets take a closer look, lest we perish...

Speedy Gonzalez: Luis Gonzalez, drove in the winning run vs those damn yankees, Gonzaga produced the greatest point guard in John Stockon, Gonzo has a nose that must produce results in the sack, and "Speed" was the pinnacle of movie quality.

The Taco Bell Chihuahua: Taco Bell serves meat older than your dead grandmother, Bellsouth rips off innocent folk trying to make a phone call, and you cant derive anything from Chihuahua.

Nuff said. Speedy wins faster than you can say "como se dice taco bell blows chunks"

- NoLimitJay

Obviously, the Taco Bell Chihuahua cannot keep up with the rodent's speed. However, a study of his commercials and of Looney Tunes canine- vs.-protagonist interactions suggests a more potent weapon. One of the things I have learned from my dog is, if you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. We have here a dog who seems to spend much of his time pressuring diners with silent begging; psychologist B.F. Skinner stated that without even intermittent reinforcement, a behavior is quickly extinguished (i.e. this must work for the mooching mutt some or much of the time, or he wouldn't keep doing it). Mexican-food afficionados clearly feel uncomfortable in the ads, but the approach should prove even more effective upon Speedy. In
"Little Orphan Airedale", Charlie Dog makes considerable headway with this method upon the pushover Porky Pig, and Speedy's main motivation for food raids is his countrymen just looking pitiful at him, so our hero would be too soft-hearted to rob Peter to pay Paul. Speedy leaves the building empty-pawed.

- Matt Bricker

It's fine to compare the Taco Bell Dog to Superman.

As long as you compare Speedy to Mr. T.

- Garland

Let's settle this over a cup of Taco Bell Cheese Sauce™, shall we?

- Cowsai, the highly tended bovine

Too easy. Speedy's fast. But let's think about things for a minute. Taco is one of those damn yippy dogs that is always a) spazzing out b)peeing everywhere c)a combination of a and b. When Speedy zooms in like the little rocket rat we all know he is, it scares Taco piss-less, creating a slick, difficult escape for Speedy. Let's think about it. How hard is it to run on ice? Or how about speedy cars hydroplaning? Same principle. Excessive speed + lack of friction = mouse on back in yellow puddle. But we're not done yet. Taco is once again petrified by an utterly harmless thing (like all dogs of his breed) and starts uncontrollabe spasming. This eventually leads to Taco following suit by slipping in the pool and landing on top of Speedy. Suffocation quickly follows for our tiny sombrero-topped critter.

- HiccupFiend

At this point Gidget (That's it's real name), the Taco Bell dog, is so outvoted it doesn't matter. But there's still no way it can lose. Or, more accurately, there's no way Speedy can win. The properties of Taco Bell food are strange and hard to believe. Any organism that ventures within a 100-foot radius of a Taco Bell will, without a thorough American background of fast food, immediately get explosive diarrhea. Why do you think you never see Gidget actually eat any Taco Bell in the commercials? It knows better. Speedy, who doesn't, will race to the dish, encountering no resistance, and then it will hit him. Seeing as how Speedy is used to his all-cheese diet, he's probably been constipated for years. The chalupa will free everything that's no doubt backed up in his colon and intestines, and Speedy will truly live up to his name searching out the nearest bathroom.

- Pippin, exalted swami of safety

You know who would make the perfect grudge match loser? A chihuahua who was on star trek.

- ex agent



- Dr. Stones

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Rottweiler v. Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas
Donald Duck v. Daffy Duck
Tasmanian Devil v. Paul Bunyan

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Next Match: Grudgie-san!
ETA: Monday, August 26th, 2002

© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC