Darth Maul vs. Connor MacLeod @ WWWF Grudge Match

World Wide Web Fights Presents

The Scenario

[NEW YORK CITY, 2:21 A.M.]

It is strangely still on the dimly lighted city street. The wailing cry of a police car siren echoes through the canyon of apartments, its sound slowly being extinguished by dead silence.

A lone cloaked figure quietly stalks his prey. In his mind, he reviews his mission. His master had forseen that on this unremarkable rim world there is a man who could overthrow him. Through deadly combat, this man had won a prize of incredible power. In a few minutes, that warrior would either join them or die. Either way, Darth Sidious will be pleased.

Suddenly, the silence is broken by a shout. "Your money or your life! Hand ov... *GAAACK*" After a *THUD* the street is quiet again. Darth Maul considered how convenient this city was. Considering the rest of its inhabitants, he did not need to wear a disguise.

Finally he came to the spot: Russell Nash Antiques. But as he silently entered the shop, he was stopped cold by a voice.

"I am Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. State your intentions..." The Highlander steps out from behind the door and lifts his katana in the air. "...or prepare to lose your head!"

"These are my intentions." A double-bladed light saber hums to life. "Come with me or die."

"I guess you are looking for me. Sorry, but I must decline your invitation. I hope you don't mind if I make this a fair fight." Connor puts down his sword and activates a light saber. He wryly grins. "There are some advantages to buying unusual antiques. There can be only one!"

So which swordsman slices and slashes the other sorry sob.

Darth Maul

vs.

Connor MacLeod

Please welcome our Guest Commentator Mike Leung. A regular of the WWWF, his good humor and insanity made him an ideal choice. Plus, as far as we know, he is the first Chinese commentator in WWWF history, which is great since he'll work for 3 cents an hour. He encourages you all to check out The Journal for more of his demented thoughts.

The Commentary

MIKE: Who's Darth Maul up against? Connor MacLeod? I'm sorry Paul, but didn't he do a tour of duty as captain of the Love Boat? You remember, white cap and shorts? I'm thinking even the Highlander's mother could tell you that he doesn't stand a chance against someone like Maul, just from the name she gave her kid. Look at their names:

Maul, n. A heavy, long-handled hammer used to drive stakes, piles, or wedges. v. To injure by or as if by beating.

Cloud, n. Fluffy, white things that are happy.

The only thing clouds do is rain. The only thing rain stops is baseball games, not Dark Lords of the Sith. Let's remember who the Jedi are: robed men who kill things with laser swords and can make stuff jump into their hands. Connor MacLeod doesn't have what it takes to compete in that arena. Darth Maul kicked the asses of two of these guys at the same time! The only reason he got killed at the end is because Ewan McGregor made Liam Neeson's light saber fly to his hand, a skill the Highlander doesn't have. Darth Maul's twin blades will cut through MacLeod's neck like a morning shave so smooth, George Lucas will have to buy the company.

PAUL: Talking about skills people don't have, it's good to see that Darth Maul "pulled himself together" for this match. Too bad that he isn't immortal like Connor who can be split in two and be good as new within minutes. In Highlander III, Connor cut the evil Kane in half and and it stopped him for all of ten seconds. In fact, the only way any Immortal could possibly be killed is by beheading, making him near invinceable compared to the ever-vunerable puny mortal of Darth Maul.

And talking about Kane, with that victory Connor has every conceiveable advantage in this duel. First, he has more experience. Not only is he almost 500-years-old, Immortals gain all the knowledge of the Immortals they kill. Since Connor has won the prize THREE TIMES (and will most certainly have to defend it again in the upcoming Highlander IV: Sequels Without End), he has thousands of years of experience dealing with every fighting style imagineable. Second, he's been dead and resurrected hundreds of times. With Maul's ridiculous choice of weapon (a double-bladed light saber is just as dangerous to the user as the opponent), he can perform a self-impaling suicide attack ala King Arthur v. Mordred (page 489) and survive. Third, with his defeat of Kane, he now has the power of illusion, allowing him to do cool things like disappear and turn into a bird. Darth can only do lame party tricks like "grab the long growing cylindrical object" and "choke", giving up the vital Mentos-Level Coolness(tm) factor.

But, if that wasn't enough, you forget Darth Maul's greatest weakness: SCOTLAND! Look at the names you mention. Neeson? He almost won and he's Irish. McGregor? He's Scottish. Darth Maul has a fatal allergy to the British Isles! Connor MacLeod is not only Scottish, but a tough-as-nails Highlander who was trained by Sean "Ramirez" Connery, who has been suggested as the future King of Scotland. And since this is the WWWF, Darth Maul will also have to face the dual British legendary juggernauts the "Braveheart Jihad (There Is No Jihad)" and the English Soccer Hooligans. I predict Maul breaks out in a yellow rash right down his back followed by a sudden case of lightheadedness complicated by a concussion from a double malt.

There can be only one. Too bad Darth Maul is a zero.

MIKE: How do you kill an immortal, Paul? You cut off his head? Connor MacLeod could have three heads, and Darth Maul would decapitate him three times, and amputate him four, before his body even hits the ground. The dude was doing backflips in the middle of the fight with two Jedi swordsmen! If his thousand year mastery of the Queen Soundtrack School of Sword Fighting is his greatest advantage over Darth Maul, MacLeod should put on a frilly dress, and start running now.

As for any over-hyped optical illusions Highlander can pull, Jedi are masters of mind, as well as body. Jedi have been pulling suggestion, invisibility, and telekinesis, since a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. The disappear and turn into a bird trick smacks of Major Disturbance in The Force to me, and won't help MacLeod elude Maul. Can MacLeod tranform himself into Darth Maul? That's who he needs to change himself into for any chance of holding up in this fight.

Oh, and thanks for reminding me how disadvantaged MacLeod is in weapon as well as fighting skill. I happen to keep a bo staff at home, and there's no way anyone with a wiffle-ball bat can touch me if I don't want him to. With a sword, attack and defense both come from one end of the weapon. With a two-ended weapon, like a staff, attack and defense can come from either end. Maul can take a poke at MacLeod, and MacLeod wouldn't know from which end the next swing or jab will come from until the last second. Imagine little laser torches coming from the ends of those weapons, and you can see why Maul chased Kenobi into that pit. I'm thinking my grandmother can out-maneuver MacLeod with Maul's double-bladed light saber in her hands.

To be quite honest, I don't even think Darth Maul needs to be armed to kill the Highlander. He can just use The Force to yank that light saber out of MacLeod's hands, and twist his head off like taffy. Then Maul would chop to bits MacLeod with his own light saber, and stir fry him with some tofu and vegetables, for a delicious meal, low in fat, high in Highlander.

PAUL: Well, it is good to know that you can defend yourself from those everdangerous whiffle bat attackers. How about banana muggers? In any case, considering the quality of your arguments, I am guessing you had less luck with baseball bats. Kids, do not try this at home.

First off, Darth Maul isn't going to have any time to perform any Force parlor tricks - he is going to be too busy concentrating on both not getting killed and not spearing himself. Second, since Maul is a mortal, Connor doesn't even need a weapon to kill him and the Highlander is a master of martial arts. Third, if all else fails, he can always resort to using the greatest bomb ever: Highlander II: The Quickening. If the pure badness of the film doesn't finish him off, Connor need only explain how the three Highlander movie plots (not to mention the TV show and cartoons) make sense together. When Maul's head explodes, it will be a mercy.

Finally, if there is anyone who is going to lose his head around here, it is going to be Mr. Maul. Just look at him. His face is black and red in unusual patterns. His has jagged things pointing out of his head. And last I saw him, he didn't have any legs. He's not a Sith Lord - he's a Zippo(tm) lighter-deformed Spiderman Pez(tm) dispenser. His head is supposed to come off. With the added incentive of free gum, there is absolutely no way Connor can lose.

You can't be the one if you are in two...

Thanks to D. Sidious for suggesting this most excellent match.
In his honor, we are all dressed in black and collecting Jar-Jar beanie babies...

Darth Maul (1180 - 54.9%)

decapitates**

Connor MacLeod (968 - 45.1%)

** What? You thought we'd use "mauls"?

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Voter Comments

Gold Grudgie RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE^TM

Let's face it, Maul's going to spank the Highlander harder than a President's intern. Let's look at the winning streak in the Star Wars Universe (TM) for the good Jedi:

Star Wars, Episode I: Qui Gon, killed by Darth Maul
Star Wars: A New Hope: Obi-wan, killed by Darth Vader.
Off Screen: Hundreds or thousands of Force users slaughtered by the Empire during the purges.

Bad Jedi:
Darth Maul, Darth Vader, and The Emperor: all killed by some young, jedi in training (Luke or young Obi-Wan")

Let's look at the facts, while ultimately defeated, the Dark Side of the Force (TM) has a LOT more wins. Against who? Good Jedi? No, old and EXPERIENCED Jedi, with decades, or centuries of experience. Let's look at Macleod: He's 1)A Jedi, of sorts with the Prize he keeps getting EVERY MOVIE! 2) Due to absorbing the equivalent of HUNDREDS of immortals, thanks to the power of, "There Can Be Only One (hundred sequels)!", can qualify as being a very, VERY experienced and OLD Jedi.

As shown in other Star Wars's and movies,with Darth Maul's possession of the youth and the type of rage (no, NOT the RAGE (TM)) found in the Dark Side of the Force, Macleod doesn't stand a chance

The only question is, will Macleod's head look better on Maul's floater bike, or mounted over the fireplace, next to the head of Jar- Jar Binks?

- Shadowknight

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal Grudgie^TM

This is a very even match - my complements to the Grudgemeisters.

I have pondered long and hard about the constestants. The Force (TM) vs. The Quickening (TM), Age and Experience vs. Youth and Viciousness, Midi Clorians vs. Highlander II, Scottish vs. Sith, Immortality vs. Precognition, Living Goodguy vs. Dead Badguy, even Kilts vs. Holocaust Cloaks. Dead heat. Even match. Can't decide based on physical prowess or personal pasts. Yet, there can only be one.

Time to break out the big guns: The Rage (TM) and Mentos (TM) Level Coolness. Guess what. It's another bloody draw! Clearly Rage edge goes to Maul, Mentos edge to Highlander. Is all lost? Is this the end of the Grudgeverse as we know it?

No, there is another.

The final arbiter, if all else fails, in contests between fictional characers, is Bacon Number. Namely:

The Oracle says: Ray Park has a Bacon number of 3.
Ray Park was in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997) with Musetta Vander
Musetta Vander was in Molly (1999) with Elisabeth Shue
Elisabeth Shue was in Hollow Man, The (2000) with Kevin Bacon

The Oracle says: Christopher Lambert has a Bacon number of 2.
Christopher Lambert was in Road Killers, The (1994) with Josh Brolin
Josh Brolin was in Hollow Man, The (2000) with Kevin Bacon

Highlander wins.

- martinl

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal Grudgie^TM

Let's follow the path of training here on why MacLeod will win:

Was trained by Sean Connery who is Indiana Jones' Father, and we all know that Indiana Jones is really Han Solo incognito (hiding from Bounty Hunters), who is cooler than Obi-wan (c'mon he trained someone and let him turn to the darkside he can't be THAT great), who kicked Darth Maul's ass.

Therefore Darth Maul will now have to put on his head and his legs before getting dressed in the mornings.

- MLG

Sadly, Connor wasn't meant to win in the first place. He doesn't have coolness even approaching Mentos Level. Look at how he picks up women...

1st movie: He stabs himself in the stomach and as he's bleeding on an EXTREMELY understanding woman, he tells her his name and that he's an immortal.

2nd movie: He kills some bad guys from Zeiss and tells a girl who's been bitching at him that he's an immortal. She too is EXTREMELY understanding, as anyone must be to go from being mad at an old man, to be aroused after he has killed two men and become slightly, and I mean slightly younger.

Also, let's go with bad guys from the highlander movies. The bad guys are so much cooler. They make the movie. You have the guy who puts his sword together in the motel room right before the prostitute comes in (sword is cool, his smoothness with the prostitute is pretty cool too). You've got the guy who speeds the subway train to the point where people fly to the back and become some sort of mush I imagine (his lines were cool too), and you've got Mario Van Peebles (not as cool, but hey, he scored with Patsy Kensit, which gives him a Mentos shot anytime in my book).

Maul was the only one in the movie who kept it from becoming a non-cartoon version of PokeMyAss. I would even venture to say that Lucas should have had his name on the last match's ballot for TPM (I'm sorry, but little Anakin is too old to train, but Luke wasn't?). Connor MacLeod was no match for Maul, but Duncan, well that's a match for another time.

- Pareeha

As far as I know the fourth Highlander movie will feature, not Christopher Lambert (whose acting skills abismal, to be sure), but Adrian Paul, of the Highlander Television Series... uh... fame.

And if you thought Lambert was bad...

In an effort to make the fight convincing, ol' Adrian will assume his standard Stare-Blankly-and-Furrow-My-Brow expression that indicates any of a multitude of emotion, from consternation to constipation. While he is focusing on maintaining this expression, Maul will give him something to think about.

For example: "Where'd my head go?"

- Martin

let us discuss the true signifier of a violent fiction character's success: the quality of the Internet fan fiction smut about that character.

Darth Maul: smut about him sleeping with girls. Smut about him sleeping with boys. An entire fan fiction universe about his relationship with Obi-Wan. Websites dedicated to speculation about exactly how far down that tattoo really goes.

Connor MacLeod: pages and pages and pages of worshiping, adoring smut about -- his cousin Duncan from the television spin-off "Highlander".

Now, when your adoring Internet fandom actually prefers the spin-off, you have a problem. Darth Maul wins saber down.

- deborah

The two combatants face off. There's the standard preliminary easy swings and blocks to get the fight started. And then things get nasty.

"Your second movie sucked. Even Connery and Ironside couldn't save it."

thrust, parry

"Well, so did your first one."

swing, duck

"And what have you done lately? Still riding that Highlander wave for 14 years, huh? And what's with that fake Scottish accent?"

leap, spin

"At least they used my own voice, soprano boy."

Maul packs into a corner at the sudden assault.

"Yeah, but I did my own stunts and actually know how to use a weapon."

Maul backflips, catapaults off a wall and launches a flurry of strikes that sends Macleod falling backward.

"Yeah, yeah? Well...your makeup is funny."

Maul grins at the weak riposte and starts stalking in for the kill. Macleod looks around in panic as a chair flies across the room and knocks away his lightsaber.

"My film made a ton of money even if it was mediocre!"

The double-ended lightsabre goes up, ready to finally end the Highlander's life, when suddenly Macleod smiles.

"Your film also had Jar Jar Binks."

Maul lowers his weapon, a stricken look on his face. He turns away slowly and doesn't seem to care as Macleod grabs his own weapon and beheads the Sith.

- Keith of the Arctic

Not only does this match involve characters from a prequel but it is a prequel itself.

Maul and MacLeod run at eachother. In the background Darth Sidious watches on with his face covered by his hood and his evil grin. Little does he know it was a trap.

The two warriors swing their lightsabers. As the laser blades meet, they stick together and create a blue spark. The spark expands, causing a vaccuum that pulls the two participants in. Together they form a familiar fighter dressed in white and blue with his trademark pointed straw hat. Blue electricity surrounds the being.

"So finally we meet Darth Sidious. Or should I say Senator Palpatine? I will not let you take Earth Realm for your growing empire."

"I should have known you would eventually show yourself. Lord Rayden."

You see, Christopher Lambert (MacLeod) played Rayden in the Mortal Kombat movie while Ray Park (Maul) did Rayden's fighting scenes in the (horrible) sequel. It was all a trick to get Palpatine to appear where Rayden could fight him and stop his reign over the universe.

A long while ago this fight was done on the Comic Book Universe Battles. This whole Maul/MacLeod fight is nothing but the moments before these two went into battle. The end showed that this match will only end with Rayden being covered with Palpatine's electric guts.

Rayden is not finished. The part of him that was Darth Maul tells of a new evil that threatens Earth Realm: Three movies featuring Jar Jar Binks. Rayden wanders off to stop this menace while cheesey techno music plays loudly in the background.

- Gavok

Okay, it will be a good fight but Connor kicks Mauls ass, heres why. #1 They're in the close quarters of an antique shop, which will render that big ol' double-bladed lightsaber just about useless, so we gotta guess Maul (if he has a brain in his head) only uses one blade, putting them on even ground. Another advantage for Connor is that because he runs an antique shop, Maul will assume he is a wuss, and you know what happens when you assume...

#2 Connor has been kickin' but for 500 years and hes fought guys with the power of illusion so that won't throw him.

#3 You gotta cut of Connor's head to put him away, Maul is much more fragile.

#4 Connor is a Scottish Highlander but speaks with a heavy french accent! This will definetly confuse the simple-minded Maul for a second, and that is all it takes when you are a "Prnce of the univese"

So Maul buys it again and Connor is the one again

- Too Late-Man

Wow... The neverending battle between angry, immortal Scotsmen and guys who look like Mexican wrestlers, finally brought to head on our own Grudge Match!

I just hope there's no Highlander Jihad (THERE IS A JIHAD).

- Vermin Boy

Hmm. I can't pick a winner in this fight. A one-on-one fight between Darth Maul and Our Friend The Highlander... it's too hard to call. Thus, I'll have to make it so that it isn't one-on-one anymore! It's time to spin the Wheel of Ally Selection Categories!

*spins the Wheel of Ally Selection Categories; it lands on "Similarly dressed people".*

Similarly dressed people! Well, this will be a very exciting match indeed. Let's see who Connor MacLeod will have as an ally!

*flicks a switch on a large monitor reading "ALLY:". The machine churns for a couple seconds, then turns out the reading "BLADE".*

Blade! Ooh, this will be a tough fight for Darth Maul. Blade, as we all know, is a vampire hunter; and vampire hunters are mean, mean people! But, before we pencil in MacLeod as the winner, let's see who Darth Maul's ally will be!

*flicks a switch on a large monitor reading "ALLY:". The machine churns for a couple seconds, then turns out the reading "LA PARKA".*

...Well, never mind. MacLeod's a dead man.

Maul easily wins this one. Remember, kids: You Can't Stop La Parka. :)

- James Howard

I'm sorry to say it, but the match itself already has the winner decided. I re-read the beginning, and it said that Sidious said that Connor had the potential to overthrow him. How would you overthrow him? Kill his silly little lackey Maul and then spear the old man himself.

But wait, let's just consider for a moment even if Maul won through a trick of chance (old woman walks in and Connor tries selling her an antique vase). What would happen? Duncan MacLeod, the REAL badass of the two, would come out of the backroom, where he was taking "a wee nip of the liquor and a quick nap." He sees his beheaded cousin, gains his peice of the Quickening, being the nearest immortal, and promptly beats the hell outta Maul. That done, he beheads him, muttering "Only one, my ass."

- Keith, Emperor of Penguins.

Scotsmen are not only fighters, they're brawlers; originators of the "Glasweigian Kiss", or "headbutt" in more common parlance. Our Highland hero will employ this attack at some point as a genetic reflex and skewer his brain on Darth Maul's thorny cranium. It may not kill McC but it will give him a helluva surprise, allowing the Jedi enough time for a decapitating coup de grace... and hopefully inspiring him to mete out a similar fate to whoever was responsible for Highlander II and Phantom Menace

--John Hunter

For a while, it was tough for me to decide who would win this match. After all, I have only seen bits of a few "Highlander" episodes and I haven't yet seen "Phantom Menace" (darned if I was going to pay $8 to see some over-hyped film). Then it ocurred to me: "Highlander" suffered from two fatal flaws that will cost it the competition.

First of all, "Highlander" was kept on the air longer than it should have been and was even spun off to keep it going longer. Why? The dreaded Kenneth Star. One of the cast members (I believe it was the one who played a girlfriend of Duncan's) needed a reason to stay out of the US and avoid being brought before Starr's inquisition. If the "Highlander" franchise is scared of Kenneth Starr, what chance does Duncan have against an opponent from the powerful "Star Wars" franchise?

But the flaw that will doom Duncan is that the "Highlander" series was shot in France. Therefore, despite his Scottish heritage, Duncan suffers from some French influence. And everyone knows about the legendary lack of fighting skill associated with anyone French. Though small, this French influence will cause Duncan to be killed like Kenny on an episode of "South Park". But at least Kenny will be back - Duncan won't.

As long as Darth can avoid all that special effects lightning when he cuts off Duncan's head, he'll emerge unscathed.

- The Demented Astronomer

Scottish people are a wave of unholy destructiveness the likes of which mankind has ne'er seen. Storming about with their bagpipes and their HEWGE NOGGINS, drunken howling masses of crazed soccer junkies sweeping across the hilly landscape exposing their naughty bits to those unlucky to come into their path. Yes, Scottsman are violent evil fiends and certainly a force to be reckoned with.

But, come on, really. He's got a f&*^$%# lightsaber. He's actually got two f&*$^#& lightsabers duck taped together. Despite his knowledge of Fuhk Yu (The Scottish Martial Arts Technique -- a lot of head butting and kicking people when they are on the ground) MacLeod stands about the same chance as a sheep of keeping its virginity in the stands at this fight. That's why they wear the kilts. Sheep can hear the zippers.

- VooDooPork

I'll be frank(tm). All I know about Highlander is that he's Irish, he has a katana (how culturally incorrect!), and there was a cartoon that I found marginally entertaining.

Meanwhile, Phantom Menace is coming to video in..... like, 2 hours.... heck, maybe it's out already. Anyway, yeah, I like Star Wars and.....

I've lost all interest in talking about this match.... so in the interests of wasting bandwidth and time, I'd like to tell you all a story about OJ. One day, OJ went to the market, as retired professional football players (tm) are wont to do. Being very astute for a retired professional football player (tm), he noticed his two friends, Nicole and Ron at the store. He thought nothing of it until he noticed two people, who looked remarkably like his friends Nicole and Ron watching their every move. So he decided to check it out. He passed by the two people who resembled his friends, and noticed that they were wearing gloves and had a knife. Being a little concerned, as any retired professional football player (tm) would be in such a situation, he nervously walked over to his friends Nicole and Ron, and struck up a conversation with them. He mentioned that a walk in the park might be nice at this time of day, and Nicole and Ron agreed, so they all arbitrarily left their shopping carts where they were and went for a stroll.

9 hours later, it was night time, and OJ noticed that they were being followed by those two people that looked remarkably like his friends Nicole and Ron. So OJ, still concerned, as any retired professional football player (tm) would be, told his friends what was going down. Then, without warning, the attackers sprung- but because of his quick thinking in warning his friends Nicole and Ron about the attackers that looked remarkably like Nicole and Ron, they were defeated. Now, as anyone who has faced a trapped, rabid dog (tm) knows full well, sometimes in a tense situation people panic, and they will do anything to kill someone horribly, in a manner that might resemble a gruesome double murder. Unfortunately, Nicole, Ron, and OJ all panicked, and that is exactly what happened. Once they had all calmed down, OJ looked at what had happened, and realized what must be done. So he told his friends Nicole and Ron that they should pretend to take the place of those people that looked remarkably like Nicole and Ron, and live out the rest of their days in peace and tranquility, and OJ would face the consequences of their actions. A tearful and hasty goodbye was said between OJ and his friends Nicole and Ron, and they never saw each other again in person again.....

There. I hope that clears up a few things, and I hope you enjoyed my story about OJ. Thank you.

- D@t@-Kun

I don't know what you guys were thinking when you thought of this match! I'm a student at Carnegie Mellon University,and so all the Highlander references reminded me of the DINING HALL (and we all know the high quality of dining hall food at the university level,I should hope!) at CMU. Its name? HIGHLANDER CAFE!! I think that pretty well sums up Connor MacLeod's chances-Braveheart Jihad notwithstanding (There Is No Jihad).

- CaptSheridan

LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE...

In THIS corner, from the planet Earth, weighing in at 189 pounds, with a win-loss record of 196-0 Connor "Headhunter" McLeod!!!

In THIS corner, from the planet Sith, weighing in at 205 pounds, with a win-loss record of...
Wait, is this right? 1-1-1? One win and one loss and a TIE? THAT'S his record?!? How the HELL is this freak qualified for a title bout?

Match called on disqualification.

- RITH

This matchup isn't as one-sided as it seems. True, Darth Maul does have the Force, and his neat backflips, but I don't think they're going to be much good in this fight. Why? Because Darth Maul doesn't seem to know how to put his tricks to good use. He never used his incredible powers for any practical purpose in the entire fight scene in Episode I. It was all used to dazzle his foes (and his millions of awed viewers). So I don't think there's much chance of him yanking the lightsabre out of Connor's hands and lopping off his head. That wouldn't be very stylish. At most he'll do some fancy stunts and maybe throw a few cars at Connor. No advantage there. Plus, Darth Maul is in unfamiliar surroundings. No walls of pure energy, no bottomless pits, no walls composed entirely of special effects...The very REALITY of it is sure to frazzle Maul.

- J.R.

Can you live a life after getting lopped in half? The experts confer.

"It only lasts a second."--Deacon Frost, "Blade"

"Why do I have a man's legs , and why are they backwards?"--Lady Jaye action figure (with Stormshadow legs reattached after black rubber band mishap).

"I blame it for my work in 'Solo"'-- Mario Van Peebles

"Ah! I've been friggin' cut in half!"-- That Dude From Die Hard III What Got Whipped in Half.

"Ah'm sawry, ah'm awful sawry fer that. Ah don't rightly know whut the hell I wuz doin' in that movie." Arliss Loveless, "Wild Wild West".

"01010100101000100101010101010 1" --Galaxa robot.

"Ripley...rip-- leeeeeeeeeeeexkzkxzkxzkkxzzxxxxkkkkkkk kkssssssss"--Bishop, "Aliens".

Clearly, no. All Connor has to do is use a stitch-ripper around Maul's midsection, and he'll look like Don Rickles in Beach Blanket Bingo.

- Wubbie (ashamed to admit I've even seen Beach Blanket Bingo)

In a battle between Darth Maul and Connor MacLeod, the money has got to go on the Highlander. Why Connor MacLeod? There are three reasons why. First, Experience. Darth Maul is most likely between 28 and 32 years of age and has probably been training since his early teens. Connor is about half a thousand years old and has been dueling in life and death struggles for almost the same amount of time. Not to mention that he has the accumulated skill of all the Immortals. Second, Emotion. Darth Maul, as a Sith lord, fights with anger and rage. As a student of the martial arts, I can tell you from experience that fighting from anger and hate will get your ass kicked 8 out of 10 times. It slowes down your responce time and clouds your judgment. Connor, on the other hand, is stone cold. In battle Connor is like a wolf, calm and calculating. this gives him a tremendous edge. Lastly, Power. Darth Maul uses the Dark Side of the Force. This does make him a lethel foe. However, against Connor this is not an advantage. Why? Because Connor has won the PRIZE. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING!! That is what the Prize is, absolute Knowledge. Connor will know what Darth Maul will do before he does it. There can be only one, and it will be Connor MacLeod, the Highlander.

- Kurtis "Celtcath" Ryan

Maul came prepared.

Not only did he bring his handy-dandy Jedi buck-and-a-quarter staff, he came with a little transmitter device provided by Grandpa Sidious. He shows it off to MacLeod....

MacLeod: Cool antique! What's inside, some cheesy ballerina?

Maul: Even better....>click<

Three words: JAR JAR BINKS.....ex-squeeeeeeeeze me, howsa yousa doing?

MacLeod: AAAAHHHHH!!!! NO! NO! MAKE IT STOP, AAAAAHHHHHH >CHOP, followed by lotsa lightning<

Maul: heh heh heh heh.....good ol' lucky charm, never fails. Now if I can just off those two Internet dorks Barney and Wesley with this little gadget.....

But that's another sequel......

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

There's just one small problem; according to your setup Connor MacLeod has already won the prize, which going by the end of Highlander (the only real Highlander movie; ignore the others for the sake of your sanity) means he's a mortal now! Maybe when MacLeod was immune to anything less than the head's up from Hell he could have pulled this one off (as a Dark Sider, Maul's probably too impatient from all that anger, fear, and aggression to think his way through fighting somebody who keeps standing up after you "kill" him and realize he needs to chop off the head), but with no more survivability than Joe Average, Connor's utterly doomed against a Sith who'll gleefully hack him to bits. Sure, he can read minds now, but all that's going to tell him is that Maul's planning to give him a double lightsaber enema in the next five seconds. Then again, that might tell him enough to run like hell in time...

- "Mad Dog" Mike

At first I was going to vote for Mr. Macleod^TM, because clouds make lightning as do Sith Lords^TM, but then I remembered something: All of the major characters are coming back for Epic Load^TM, er, Episode II^TM. This can only mean one thing: All Jedi Masters^TM are Immortal^TM, if they want to be.

Think about it: Obi Wan^TM was old and feeble enough, and wanted to be in a spectral form so that he didn't need to fight any more; Qui Gon^TM got a funeral pyre, because nobody could stnd him coming back; Darth Vader^TM and Darth Sidious^TM both blew up in the Death Star^TM, however Darth Vader^TM died before the Death Star^TM went blewie, so decided to spend eternity as a ghost. What about Darth Maul^TM? He fell down a got cut in half and fell down a hole.

Now he has to be how old to be in New York? And as the commentators said, Immortals^TM can survive being chopped in half. Let's face the facts, the man(?) is Immortal^TM. With the skill he must have and being Immortal^TM there is only one way he could lose: Spontanious Combustion^TM.

- Bubba

Fact#1: Star Wars fanboys always vote for Star Wars characters if involved in a Grudge Match.

Fact#2: There are a lot of Star Wars fanboys who vote at the Grudge Match.

Fact#3: Kinda like me.

Fact#4: 'Nuff said.

Fact#6: I hate theorems.

Fact#7: There is no Fact#7

Fact#8: I was waiting for a Maul vs. Vader match and I get this?! Damn you all to hell!

- Boba Foot

Well, The Highlander survived three movies, but the second was utter cack (bad thing) and never even happened besides. Being a fan of the original I can say that there was no Higlander movie made after the first one. There was also no TV show. And no cartoon series either.

Darth Maul didn't make it through his movie, but there could be a flashback appearance later on. Or if someone decides to make a pre- prequel.

So one movie each, Connor surviving, Maul not, but against longer odds.

Seems pretty even, but how to decide? I know lets take a look at the commentary.

Word association? McLeod = Cloud??? All clouds do is rain!!?? Well, since you brought it up, it shall be decided thus.

What is hail but really hard rain? That'll stop some an army and even bring a farm industry to its knees properly utilised. And have you ever heard of lightning? Kills some amount of people every year? Some mind-bogglinly large amount of gigawatts of electricity discharged in 1/100th of a second? Superheats air until it's iridescent, until it's FIVE TIMES HOTTER THAN THE SURFACE OF THE SUN!!?? (How do they measure something like that anyway?) Those the kind of clouds you were thinking of? No? Just the raining kind, huh? Care to take a guess as to the average weight of your half decent rain cloud? (Or was that Cumulo Nimbus? Hey, a cloud's a cloud.) 500 000 tons, baby. A little more than some tenderising hammer. Hell, looking at it like that it seems that clouds could whup just about anything you care to mention. Bring on the I.R.S.! Bring on the much vaunted Death. Versus it's own weight in chiuauas? Hmmm... Could take a while. Star Wars? The clouds are not afraid of Star Wars! So long, Maul! Watch out Bobba Fet, look out Darth Vader, the clouds are coming for you!!! The ever-present, all- knowing all-powerfull CLOUDS!!!

I just re-read this thing. I'm voting for Highlander 'cause I like him better.

- Socrates - It's late and I'm tired.

The clouds angle almost got this response a grudgie, except that this was obviously posted by Aristophanes posing as Socrates. Nice try.--Eds.

The parallels of this match to the Boba Fett vs. Predator match are astounding. We have a minor Star Wars character, known badass but lacking of screentime, versus a character who has starred in a series of movies.

Due to the parallel nature of this match with the aforementioned precursor, I am obliged to use the same method of reasoning in determining the victor.

Therefore, the victor of this match will be He Who Is Featured On An Article Of My Friend's Clothes(tm). In the historical precedent for our current encounter, Boba Fett was victorious over the Predator because my friend owns a Boba Fett T-shirt. My friend owns not only a Darth Maul T-shirt, he also owns a Darth Maul tie, a Darth Maul mask, and a faux Darth Maul lightsaber.

Therefore, by inductive reasoning, it is clear that Darth Maul will maul (snicker) the Highlander in extremely convincing fashion.

- Adam B.

Maul's inconsistency delivers his head to the Highlander on a silver platter. He beat a Jedi master and screwed up against Obi-Wan, a brash, fuzz-cheeked Patwan Apprentice? Give me a break!!! And after hundreds of years maybe MacLeod knows something about the Force as well? Next stop for the Highlander--help William Wallace skewer Longshanks.

Now Darth and Inigo Montoya (from Princess Bride), that'd be a fight. Maybe we can graft a sixth finger onto Darth's hand?

- LAMBraveheart

Paul, are you even paying attention? Darth Maul is 'allergic' to Scotland--yeah, right. Ray Park lives in Scotland!. He is Scottish!

Compare that to Christopher Lambert, the only actor to play a Scotsman with a French accent. If you need to know why being French is a factor in The Grudge™, check out my previous comments on the subject.

Seems like There Can Be Only One™ real Highlander, and The One is the guy who paints his face, as real Scotsmen-on-the-warpath do.

Not to mention that Ray Park also played the Headless Horseman, and seemed to fight just as well. Let's see Connor try that...

- Phil

Connor MacLeod (however you spell it) is the clear winner here. First of all, he's immortal, and can only be killed by beheading, whereas Darth Maul is vulnerable all over his body. Second, he has far more experience at sword dueling than Darth Maul, who was clearly out of his league when he tried to take on both Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi (what's with the hyphenated names, anyway?). Even though Darth Maul has the dark side of the Force to use against Connor, he can't very well use it to behead him.

- ~Adamanteus

Where the hell is the "Jar Jar horribliy mamed by flying lightsaber" button?

- Mammoth

Seeing as how the teacher only teaches the best, this match goes back to the masters. Lets sum them up shall we?

SEAN CONNERY
In the movie he is a Spainard but says he is Egyptian but then in real life he is British. Oooooooook seems we have a little problem in nationality.

DARTH SIDIOUS
All powerful,All evil, has so many puppets in the Star Wars universe that he can't keep track of them and by just looking at you spill your guts through your mouth. Even though I did exagerate a little you still get the picture.

While McCloudy tries to figure out how to actually use the lightsaber Darth Maul uses the force to push him against a small pencil thus popping little Kirby MacLeod.

- Futile

It's very easy.

With MacLeod there can be only one.

With Darth Maul There can be a million clones. Sooner or later, probably sooner, Maul will have a head.

- Garwalker

MacLeod has no training with a lightsaber, so the balance will be off for him. (A blade of pure energy MUST have a completely differant technique to it than a physical metal blade) Darth Maul has a small advantage because of this, and should win.

- Michael Moon

I've seen all three Highlander movies and I've seen a great deal of the TV series and all the Star Wars Movies, and one thing that they've taught me is only the best survive.

Now, Duncan surely could kick some major Sith ass. However since Connor has the prize, obviously his cousin is dead. This means that whoever killed Duncan was wasted by Connor. Anyone who kills the person who killed Duncan can kill damn near anyone, no matter how bad of a mamba-jamba that person is.

Connor in a long, explosive, heart-stopping battle.

- Q-Man

Estimated number of uses of "There can only be one!" in these responses: 1076

Estimated number of uses of "... Jihad (there is no jihad)" in these responses: 333

Estimated number of uses of "Hotbranch 3:16" in these responses: 2 (and this is one of them).

Estimated number of pieces that Darth Maul is cut into at the close of this match: 5.

- O.P.

I debated for a long time over the outcome of this match, but in the end I had to choose darth maul as the victor. Follow my reasoning, if you will:

1. Connor may be immortal, but his sword is anything but. Maul would slice through the sword (and everything behind it) with his LS. That would test more than just Connor's mettle. MacLeod would become MacVapor in short order... cooked.

2. Maul is lethal with that double ended LS of his. He is like a living, breathing food processor, and haggis is on his menu.

3. Maul moves around like a ballet dancer on speed. His clothes are like a detonated airbag, so MacLeod would have to poke around Maul's clothes for a while just to find something to hit (or at Connor just might get lucky and take a little wind out of his sails). Maybe if he asked really nicely, Maul would stand still while Connor tried to sharpen his sword on Maul's ribs. Otherwise, good luck to MacLeod in trying to tag him!

4. Conner may be immortal, but he does have that one weak spot. What are the chances of Maul finding it? In my head I, keep picturing the black knight ('ahem') defiantly proclaiming he cannot be defeated. I can see Conner there, with his torso propped up on the ground and limbs neatly scattered around him, trying to pull the same bluff on Maul. Just imagine him as Maul plays eeney-meeny-miney-moe with Conner's two remaining appendages. I think that Conner would be none too smug if Maul chose the 'not the head appendage', first. The end would be a short one after that.

There can be only one... and buddy, this time you ain't it!

- A.G.P.

Darth Maul, unfortunately, wins this one in about five seconds flat. As both competitors are master swordsmen, it all comes down to The Rage (TM).

Fact: Darth can only be beaten by someone with The Rage. Qui-Gon Jinn never had a chance against DM. Obi-Wan Kenobi, OTOH, after QG is killed, displays the only bit of characterization in the entire movie by going into a Jedi Rage (TM), which allows him to beat DM.

Fact: Connor MacLeod does not have The Rage. Why should he? He has nothing to be enraged about. He's won pretty much every battle he's fought.

Fact: Darth Maul does have The Rage. He's recently been chopped in half, not by a Jedi Master (TM), but by a lowly apprentice, someone of much lower skill.

Conclusion: Poor Connor hasn't a chance in hell. DM slices off his head in three seconds, and most of the rest of him in the two seconds following.

- Eric Snyder II

AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! Whatta dumb match.

If a very old and frail Yoda can lift an X Wing off the ground, a Sith Warrior can lift a suprised Conner MacLeod up of the ground and spin him like a top and them throw things at him until he's too woosy to stand straight. And us Sith perfer beheadings. It's the Jedi who chop people in half.

- Darth Brooks - A wet dream is like a river, ever flowing in your bed

i fully believe that Connor will take this match. Maul has a few disadvantages going that Conner does not. First, there is the question of the ----ing blow. Maul will not have time to search the Highlander's mind for his weakness; they'll be too busy fighting. Going for a gut shot (a la ----- of Qui-Gon) is just going to Conner off. Lemme tell you, there ain't much worse than a ----ed off Scot. Connor, however, will be swinging for anything available (cutting off saber-weilding hands, gut stabs, whatever) in an attempt to slow his opponent down enough to behead him. When he discovers that beheading him isn't at all necessary, he'll just go "Heh." Also, in terms of weapon matching, you cannot tell me that in all of his centuries of kickin' ass[tm] MacLeod hasn't gone up against a staff-wielder. Hell, it was probably a bladed staff, so this will be no real surprise. Maul, however, will have trouble using his own weapon, let alone competing with Connor's skill with his blade.

This fight will end with Connor relieved that he won't have to replace all his windows again, but disappointed over missing out on an electrically-induced ------.

- ~the Stranger

DUH! I think we all know who the winner is here. Here's the scenario: Connor: Ha! You lack my powers, oh odd red-masked one with horns. See, I can turn into a bird.

Maul: Die! (Does a fancy flip and lands squarely on the head of the tiny yellow bird who has just appeared.)

Connor: Ouch! but I'm immortal.

Maul: Join us, or die!

Connor: Um, lemme think- I'll pass.

Maul: well, then, (chops off head of Connor with double saber)

No question. Darth Maul with force powers + double bladed lightsaber vs Connor Macleod with one bladed lightsaber and invinciblility unless beheaded. There is no qustion, my young apprentice. Also, did I mention how mad sith lords get if you fail them?

- Master Sidious

At the end of Highlander(The first one), Connor was able to percieve the toughts of all living things. Darth Maul is a living being. Therefore, Connor will know what moves Darth plans on making, and anticipate it and prevent him from making them. This a very one sided fight. Go Highlander! Kill that dude with the skull accessories!

- John Smith

Judging from the opening, it appears as if Sideous and Maul consider Connor to be a Jedi, probably a light side Jedi. In "The Phantom Menace," Maul announces "At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have our revenge." Now, to me, it seems like when Maul says they will "reveal" themselves to the jedi, he is insinuating something far more sinister than just appearing befor them; he planned on actually "exposing" themselves to the jedi. They hoped that the shock of this would stun the jedi masters long enough to kill them all. Unfortunately, he didn't get to that part of the plan befor Obi-one slashed him. Now, when he tries this on Connor, Maul is in for a big surprise. Connor is originally Scottish, where going commando under your kilt is natural, and therefor, Connor won't be shocked at all by Maul's peep show. Before Maul even has a chance to prepare for battle, Connor goes midevil on his roody-poo candy ass, and, as Maul is not immortal, he won't survive the fact that Connor has hacked his head off.

- There can be only one.

Darth Maul(TM), Dark Lord of the Sith versus that twit Connor McLeod? (don't get me started on the awfulness of 'Highlander II'). If I want to see some Dark Lord action I'll watch the Star Wars films, but if I want to see a badass immortal opening a can of whoop-ass I'd rather go to my bookshelf and read 'The Saga of the Exiles' series by Julian May.

Anyway, Darth Maul(TM) has more Rage(TM) than That Twit Connor. When you're sharing a film with Jar-Jar you're going to be annoyed anyway, but when you hardly have any lines as well then I agree with Mike that sliced and diced Highlander will be on the menu tonight with some Highlander dressing on the side.

After saving the world from more bad Highlander movies Darth Maul sets off to make Jar-Jar kebabs.

Meesa tink dat a gud idea!

- Nicky Lewer

You guys don't understand. Highlander can turn himself into a crow, and those of us who've played Resident Evil know that the crows will consistently beat your ass into the ground. It doesn't matter if you've got a lightsaber or a grenade launcher, the crows will eat you alive every time. Highlander, merely by turning himself into a crow, already has the advantage, since he has the support of crows everywhere, including:

Sheryl Crow, who's really buff and could punch your lights out if you got her mad.

The Black Crowes, who have a long history of kicking ass and not thinking about the consequences.

The Counting Crows. I don't know how well they fight, but they are a seven-piece band, so numbers advantage to Highlander.

Russell Crowe, who's pissed because he got beat out at the Oscars by that geriatric bastard Michael Caine.

The Crow: City of Angels, who if I recall was this awesome undead guy who inspired Sting's current makeup pattern.

Cameron Crowe, who directed Jerry Maguire so I guess that makes him a cool guy.

Crow T. Robot from Mystery Science Theater 3000, who is a demigod, companion to a destroyer of worlds, experienced in all sorts of activities, and two-time Gurdge Match winner.

The Force means nothing when you're facing a flock of unstoppable harbingers of death.

- My name is Kenny: I beat Tyrant easily, but I run like a little girl when I see the crows

Darth Maul takes the win, 2 is better than one, and as far as his being beside himself, Darth Maul uses Duct Tape. Duct Tape - It has a Light and Dark side and holds the universe together - Much like the force. ((Ps I just picked up your first book, well done! Every male pimple faced teen should know of this site!)) The ultimate Tag Team match - Pokemon VS Carebears

- Waffle

Darth Maul may have the Dark-side of the Force, and he has his double-bladed light saber. The Highlander has all the absorbed knowledge of every fighter he has ever killed - including any powers and/or skills that they possesed. He is also a martial arts master with several lifetimes of practice. AND let's not forget that he is an IMMORTAL!

The fight would go something like this:

Maul would start with a quick barage of attacks that Connor would defend against while "feeling-out" his opponent. If he wanted a short fight, he could simply leave an opening to get Maul to do the same move that he did in the movie. Connor would take the stab to chest, and proceed to slice-and-dice and serve up Darth Maul to the Dark-side as snacks.

- A fellow Immortal

I didn't know who to vote for on this one, until Mike knocked Queen.

- Mick

It should probably be pointed out that Ewan McGregor played Mr. Frank Churchill in EMMA. Yet he beat Darth Maul. Now who do we think would win in immortal-scottish-swordsman vs. someone from a Jane Austin book?

On the other hand, whenever Darth Maul fights anyone, really cool music starts playing.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism

Would those who voted for Darth Maul please report to Dayton, Maine? My 5ft. 2in., 80 year-old Scottish Grandmother is waiting there to drop-kick you cupcakes into the Gulf of Maine. Thank you for your cooperation.

- Mr. Silverback - Yeah, I'm wearing a kilt, you want to make something of it?

Right, now I'm mad, for TWO YEARS i have been suggesting Vader Vs MacLeod. I bet any day soon someone's going to suggest my old favourite, the Blob Vs The Killer Tomato. (Or Peter Pan Vs General Paton [sound of AAA]). So, are you telling me that Vader Vs MacLeod isn't going to work, yet Maul will? For God's Sakes, Maul hasn't even got a character! He has two lines and the obligatory stupid face (The Science Fiction Move Bible, Article five, one bad guy must have a stupid face. You know, the one right after Article six 'The good guys must have an irritating 'comedy' character')! How can you make a grudgie on that?

Anyway, lets see, The Emperor is stronger in the force than Maul, and the Emperor Manifests this by shooting bolts of lightning. Connor Can do that.

Who's cooler? Makeup boy or Connor? Well, Connor was copied as Blade (yes, we noticed that climax scene and sword in Blade was lifted straight out of another film.) But I'll go for Connor, because his mad little bit at the end of the first (and best movie) where he parries the bad guys slash at his bit of crumpet "Heh heh, did you myss meee?"... that's going to confuse mister 'I-have-a-different-number-of-Horns-in- my-merchandise-and-various-scenes-in-the-movie,-like-glueon-nails, they-are-clearly-fakes,-like-the-big-girls-blouse-that-I-am'.

Now, Connor fought the entire of the first movie with slightly crossed eyes. Now we are out of the 80's we have superb medical surgery to correct all of that. imagine him now that he doesn't see double! And all of this is capped off by the fact Connor can read people mind (End of the first movie 'I can hear what they are all thinking'). Jedi's are fast, but Connor already knows what Maul is doing. The first few minutes are going to be a bit like when you nearly walk into someone in the street, and you both side-step the same way, and then again, and then again, and feel like an idiot.

Lets get a slightly fairer match, Touch� Turtle Vs Connor.

And Lightsabers are not composed of LASERS, YOU FOOLS! http://www.synicon.com.au/sw/ls/sabres4.htm

- Can any of you ACTUALY hear me?

Sorry about missing your similar suggestion. But did someone just suggest the Blob Vs General Patton? Hmm... -- Eds.

You both seemed to have neglected to mention the one thing that will decide the match. The Flasback Factor!

Yes, the ability that alowed the Garlique(tm) enhanced Caine(tm) to win a fight against the codger martial artist Walker(tm).

Connor MacLeoud will be facing off agianst Darth Maul, when he suddenly catches sight of some odd thing -- a weasel scurrying across the street, for instance -- triggering a flashback of When Times Were Happy(tm). During this flashback (to the music of Queen's, "Want to Live Forever," no doubt) he will remember some odd fact about how to win against an attacker with a double-lightsaber. Once he snaps out he will spin off some peculiar quip to Darth Maul, and then grossly dismember him.

I hope my information is of help to all of you out there.

- Creativity, leader of the Michigan Cell of the Bravehart Jihad (there is no Jihad!!!)

If you've already gone through a traumatic experience once, you usually lose most of the fear of the unknown and stuff. It's like when you begin accepting needles from the doctor. In this situation: death.

Sith Apprentice Darth Maul has already died before. He therefore no longer fears death. MacLeod is an "immortal" who has obviously never kicked it before. He has that to worry about. Much like how De La Hoya lost that one fight, MacLeod will be somewhat reserved in his fighting watching his neck (literally! [Heh heh, oh man I'm good!]), whereas Semi-Psycho Mr. Maul will be going in, saber-first, butterfly-kicks around.

In the end, it will end with a head-to-head charge. At the last minute, however, MacLeod gets a little shaken, realizing the tactic is pure madness! As he spends that brief second putting that fraction of his attention strafing to the left, Maul will poke 'im in the gut, kick 'im in the hand, force-throw the lost blade out of the fight, and SWISH . . . we get Sean Connery yelling "I AM THE LAST ONE!" again.

That work for ya?

- Some Guy

Highlander's special power is that he dies when someone cuts off his head? I can do that.

Darth Maul = Star Wars = Winner.

- Diogenes

Four words:

MacLeod Survived Highlander Two

- Lord_Odin -- Yes, I realize that is really 6 words.

sorry mike, but Connor takes it. much of your argument was based on the fact that

"With a sword, attack and defense both come from one end of the weapon. With a two-ended weapon, like a staff, attack and defense can come from either end. Maul can take a poke at MacLeod, and MacLeod wouldn't know from which end the next swing or jab will come from until the last second."

and i would have to agree. but if you had read the scenaro, you might have noticed that

"Connor puts down his sword and activates a light saber. He wryly grins. 'There are some advantages to buying unusual antiques.'"

so he's got a light-saber too. and while this is not specified, i beleve it to be a double-ended light-saber because c'mon, who doesn't have a regular light saber? how unusual is that? in order for it to be unusual and therefore for Connor to collect it, it must be a double-ended one.

so Connor wins.

- d."Fluffy, white things that are happy" g.

"There can be only one..."

But it ain't going to be either of these two. Darth Mual is the most over-hyped character from the most over-hyped movie ever. I saw Episode One; it sucked and Mual sucked. I've heard a lot of hype about the Highlander series, but I don't watch it. My roommate, however, does. He also watches Pokemon, Digimon, Xena, and Voyager. Death by association.

So who is 'the one.' ERROL FLYNN!!! Yes, the origional suave swordsman shall swoop down and save the day. With the help of his newly aquired lightsaber, and his ever present Mento-Level Coolness (tm) nothing shall stand in our heros way!

- The Animator.

I have to cast my vote for Darth Maul. After all, he definitely has The Rage(TM) going for him. Think about it. The last thought that must have flashed through his mind as he fell down that shaft in Epidsode One must have been something like "I waited four hours in a make-up trailer for this? To be whacked in half by the spaced out heroin addict from Trainspotters? What gives?" Ever since, he has longed for vengeance, and the also-Scottish Connor MacLeod is as good a target as any. Another thing to consider is Maul's real voice (it was dubbed for the movie). He can't be happy about the fact that he sounds like the main character from Bobbie's World, and now is the time to let all that festering resentment out.

Connor, on the other hand, has had an unbroken string of victories. Also, because the show ended more recently than the movies (or has it? And if not, who cares?), Duncan has been doing most of the work lately. So Connor will not only overestimate his abilities, but his lack of recent work will put him at a severe disadvantage against Maul; who's been pumping iron in order to insure that he'll never lose to a weaker opponent again.

Here's how I see the match going: Before MacLeod's even done laughing at Maul's high-pitched whine, the enraged villian has already diced him into small pieces. Seeing the Immortal beginning to pull himself together, the Sith Lord decides to end the terrible laughter that has haunted him all his life by cutting it off at the source. With one long swipe of his light-bo, he severs Connor's head from his paunchy body. After it's all over, the now-immortal Maul travels to Coruscant for round two against the all-too-mortal forces of the Jedi, and the universe is a little less safe.

- Armagrodden

There is a simple key to victory here, Connor has it, Obi-Wan has it, and Ramierez has it -> Scottish cuisine.

This "food" prepares a person so effectively that Obi-Wan takes the recipe back to master Yoda who shares it many years later with a young rebel named Luke. "How you get so big eating food of this kind? Come come...good food I have". The "food" immediatly awakens Luke's latent lightsaber ginsu battle instincts of our favorite whiney bastard and allows him to Overthrow the Government(TM) and Fight the Man(TM).

Connor lived on this stuff for centuries. He was taught the ways of the Highlander by Sean Connory--who has been known to ingest sheep's stomach from time to time, and is God...and Noah (building something of a shpeedboat actually...Izzard? anyone...anyone?)

Obi-Wan, our toilet spelunking Sith slayer was known to imbibe some fine Scottish cuisine as well.

So we have 3 Ginsu Lighsaber Haggis Cuisinarts of Sith Death(TM) vs. 1 voice-dubbed dance instuctor. Seems pretty even to me but I think the deciding factor will be Sickboy, who in an effort to make "contacts" and be seen with his idol, Sean Connory, will shoot Darth Maul in the bum with a pellet gun at an oppotune time allowing Connor to gut Maul (a Scottish delicacy) and stuff his 4 stomachs with meat and barley.

- Akhamed Riseth AEA

Oh please. Darth Maul is VERY experienced at using a double-bladed lightsaber. If he was going to impale himelf, he'd probably do that when faced with two opponents, not one. I can see it now:

Maul: "You are doomed. Now if Ionly I could figure out how to hold this thing... this is sooooo complicated.... how am I supposed to use this without turning myself into Julian fries?"

Face it. The double-bladed saber is an advantage, not a disadvantage. That, combined with his skill and usage of the Force, and New York City will be flying the Black, Red, and, uh.... Black.

- BlackLeader

Like so many Grudge Matches before it, this one comes down to ally support. If, as Paul points out, Macleod has the unified support of the British Isles, then Darth Maul doesn't stand a chance. Never mind the Braveheart Jihad (Evidence is currently being assessed regarding the existence of a Jihad)TM and the English Soccer Hooligans. They're merely light infantry. The IRA, in retaliation for messing with Ewen McGregor, will bomb the Darth-mobile before Maul can even arrive at the antiques store. Even so, I have to concede that Darth Maul is one gritty Sith. He can probably survive all of the above, plus plate after plate of heart-clogging haggis. But the British Isles will have one more trick up their collective sleeves: Just as Connor and Darth Maul are about to engage in combat, a bus pulls alongside the antiques store. The door opens, and out pours...the cast of Riverdance! Darth definitely senses a huge disturbance in the force. They line up and begin to riverdance. Macleod will understand and maybe even enjoy this. But the bizaare, foreign, legs-move-but-arms- don't dancing will send Darth Maul into a catatonic state. Easy pickin's for the Highlander, who kills the Sith and becomes the new Lord of the Dance.

- 1/2 Nelson

So Connor MacLeod can't be killed unless his head is chopped off? Are you kidding me? Ever heard of a guillotine? Does the phrase "off with his head!" sound familiar? Decapitation is a favorite among the different ways to kill people. Essentially, MacLeod is immortal unless he is killed. Connor MacLeod needs a better defense.

Take Dracula, for instance. Dracula can only be killed with a wooden stake. Now that's a defense. First off, how many people have wooden stakes lying around? Plus, this is the year 2000! Wood is obsolete, anyway. All those things around the house that LOOK like wood are not wood. They're polyurethane or something. Try brandishing a plastic stake at Dracula and you'll get laughed at. "Who are you? Captain Fisher-Price?"

What about Keith Richards? He cannot be killed by conventional weapons. It's not Immortality, but, by golly, it's good enough to get Del Preston to sleep upside down in Wayne's World 2.

Whose idea was this immortality thing? At least stipulate that he can only die if the person killing him is wearing a burgundy hat or something. Make them guess a number between 1 and 20. Make them say a nonsensical chant. Make them eat New York City produced salsa. Make them watch Oprah. Anything other than the decapitation bit. That's just silly.

Until MacLeod's Achilles heel is something other than his neck, Darth Maul wins.

- Mark Wentz

Darth Maul is inherently flawed. Note that the first time you ever see the double-pronged lightsaber was in Episode One, which is a PREQUEL to the Star Wars trilogy. In episodes 4-6, the majority of the Jedi are extinct. Using Darwinian logic, one would have to assume that the few Jedi remaining are those with the traits best suited for survival. Note how none of these surviving Jedi use the dual-saber approach.

He may dress up like some space age Mardi Gras survivor, but nobody beats evolution.

Nobody.

- GoWhalers

"Fool! You may scare the likes of kids with your makeup, but I am the Prince of this Universe!"

"You will die."

As the battle starts, Darth Maul quickly has Conor on the ropes using his superior speed and agility. Meanwhile, Conor is just stalling, manuevering around his abode thinking or a weakness Maul has. When suddenly he gets an idea.

"I once fought an immortal named Kane was who much more powerful than you and had more tricks up his sleeves than your fancy telekinesis! With his death I gained his power of illusion. Now you shall feel that power!"

In an instant, the body of Conor disappears, to reveal a heavy set man with gray hairs and a tie... George Lucas?

"Ray! What the hell are you doing here? You're on the wrong set for Christ's sake! And what are you doing in that costume? You were supposed to have turned that in over two years ago!"

"A Darth Lord answers to no man, especially a puny human! Prepare to die!"

"That's it! I was going to write you into the third episode somehow but now you're just pissing me off. No cameo for you Ray! Geez, give a guy some coverage on Newsweek and he thinks he's the Lord of all Earth!"

With this, George Lucas walks away with a nod of his head and Darth Maul stands there wondering if he could his old stuntman job back if he joins the stuntman union.

- Highlander Rules!

Hmm... Has-been obscure 80's sci-fi hero or modern superstar sci-fi villain? Has-been hero or superstar villain?

Heh, ain't that the eternal question?

I'll try not to confuse you with any form of psychobabble seeing as how you're obviously quite the moron, being baffled by such a ridiculous case. The answer is pure and simple: Darth Maul will effortlessly (and quite cleanly) "moidalize" that joik Highlander!

"Why," you ask? Oh ye of little brain!

First of all, if you remember, Darth Maul was one of the top 3 most- popular characters in "The Phantom Menace" and the big dumb shnook wasn't even in over 30% of the movie, whereas the Highlander can only carry a pathetic crappo TV program on USA or some other redneck station that has to show something dopey during the few times when they're not allowed to air soft-core porn.

Second, one of the oldest tricks (and tie-in gimmicks) in the sci-fi book is to take a wildly popular villain, make him good, and then give him his own spin-off television series (and perhaps movie)!

So here's my idea:

Darth Maul, now a reformed, yet still-sinister Jedi, has been called upon to take out the Highlander, who has gotten just plain sick of defending the weak and the innocent and now prefers the Dark Side (who wouldn't with immortality and superpowers?).

Darth Maul, with a simple swipe, lops the Highlander's sissy little namby-pamby noggin clean off his shoulders. The scene only appears in silhouette, of course, seeing as how this happens during the "family hour" and we're not allowed to see extreme gore during this hour for at least 5 more years.

Now that the Darth one's greatest foe (yeah, they were like rivals in college or something, I dunno) has been destroyed, he may go on to his own action/comedy/drama/sci-fi/family show that all Star Wars characters dream of! Not since the "Ewoks" and "Droids" cartoons has there ever been such a market for it either! My guess is Darthy will get a goofy side-kick or two (probably Mike and the 'Bots of MST3k fame. those chaps need to get back into the entertainment world) and make it to No. 1 on the Top Ten family shows list, demonstrating once again that programs with censored violent scenes and no swearing actually ARE popular with parents and children alike! Who knew?

... can I shut up now?

- The Amazing Servo-Crowation Man!!!

Maul is mauled in a sadly unbalanced match-up. Here's why:

Connor has superior skills, owed to the experience of 500+ years of his own life added to the collective experience of EVERY SINGLE OTHER IMMORTAL THAT EVER LIVED. And he can pull off acrobatics as impressive as Maul's, who only uses them to compensate for his lack of martial prowess anyway.

Connor is a proven survivor and winner, having emerged triumphant through all three of his movies, even the harrowing experience that was The Quickening. Maul got offed in one episode.

Maul may have the Force, but how often does he actually use it for any purpose other than to enhance his physical abilities? Even then, its only to a level which, as I said, Connor can easily match.

Connor has the home-field advantage, employed thus: allowing Maul to think he has the upper-hand, Connor steadily retreats backwards from his opponent, eventually luring him beneath the antique guillotine stored in the darkened back-room of his shop. Just as Maul is at his most confident, Connor, with a deft flick of his wrist, uses his lightsaber to sever the rope holding up the razor-sharp blade, giving Maul another one of those annoying bisections, this one from top to bottom. Connor cleans up the mess, locks up shop, and returns home to celebrate his victory with this installment's latest romantic interest in a titillating sequence that can only be seen on the video release.

- FrayedEdge

When Luke Skywalker got his hand chopped off, it got replaced with a cybernetic hand. Why? Because Luke Skywalker was a weenie who didn't think about the possibilities of a hook or a lobster claw.

Darth Maul is not a weenie. He got his legs chopped off. (Possibly his weenie also, depending on where it's located for his species.) He's not coming back with a regular pair of legs. He's blasting on back out of the med lab with tank treads for legs. Big ones, with mounted laser beams and some of those full body force fields. He'll even be able to flip around and do the Maul Fu stuff because of his Dark Side psychic connections.

How's some cross-eyed antique dealer gonna stop that ?

- Kilgore Trout

Fighters:
Darth Maul: Very strange looking creature, known for killing the only cool character in Episode 1.
Connar MacLeod: Very strange looking creature, known for a very cool sword.

Results: Darth Maul killed. Connar killed. 98% of the human population killed. God ticked.

How it happened: Just as Darth Maul primes to strike Connar down, JarJar Binx appears on the scene. Quickly overcoming and annoying the two into shock, he kills their comatose bodies. He then goes on to Washington DC, Paris, London, and Tokyo. He annoys all the world leaders to death and assumes the throne. 98% of the world commits suicide, the only escape from the unholy Gungan. God sees the carnage, and annhiliates JarJar before he causes any more damage. The remaining 2%, due to necassary inbreeding, becomes mentally retarded and sterile. JarJar singlehandedly destroys God's creation, and God is ticked.

- Fox Saber, master of all knowledge under the stars and moon that shine over E�

Maul makes a few swiped with his lightsaber. Mcloud issinged across the face, and an arm is removed. Slowly he recovers as Maul watches. "Was that your blow of death, you heinous creature?" He snarls. "No." Says maul in his usual hit-by-a-semi Sith growl "I was swatting a fly, and nobly awaited your pitifully slow recovery. Now we fight. Surrender, or I cut off your lucky charms!" Duncan shrieks and grabs his plaid kilt. "No! Any thing but My Lucky Charms(tm)! These babies don't grow back! Say... can you name all six colors and shapes?" Maul appears confused "Why would I want to, eighties has-been?" Duncan runs like the afiminant, kilt wearing sissie he is, hopefully to find a bar in the bronx or something with good shepards pie and get throughly wasted. Maul laughs deeply in satisfaction (revealing teeth as ugly as Ross Perot nude.) Suddenly he stops laughijng, Actually, he stops breathing. His windpipe is sucked in like people hipnotized by six houirs of Barney Viewin (tm)g. He colapses with a loud plop, never to look like a crappy bruce lee imitator again. From out of the shaddows steps the original Sith Lord... You Know him, You hate him, He's tall (well, not really), he's dark, He's Dark Helment! (Who were you expecting? Vader has better things to do.) Throwing the Princess Vespa w. Pastery hair viciously at the dead opponent, Helment makes the journy back to his inergalactic pimp mobeil to cruise with Vespa and his evil legions of pro Empire fanboys. Sadly, Duncan (now both drunk and stonned) is simultainously run over and squashed by white rim tires and choked by discarded fuzzy dice) This is a win for tthe Sithier side of sears (yep, merchandising truly is everywhere) and to people everywhere just plain sick of Highlander.

- x_los (maybe I would get posted more if I changed my alias.... That or better comentary)

Ray Park was the Headless Horsemen in Sleepy Hollow, and he has a role in the new Lord of the Rings movie. Chris Lambert was a wussy god that needed an effeminate chinese boy to save the world in Mortal Kombat. I think that we're working on two very different levels here. Maul easy.

- Virdilak, loyal devotee of Hotbranch!

mall--n. an urban shopping area featuring a variety of shops surrounding a usually open-air concourse reserved for pedestrian traffic ("We asked for our money back after seeing 'The Phantom Menace' at the local mall.")

Naming your main villain after a building with a Gap and a Starbucks in it is always a fatal mistake....

- Deacon

Darth Maul is doomed by an identity crisis. He's a character in a movie that had a massive Pepsi advertising tie-in, yet his face looks like a can of Cherry Coke. Moreover, Sith lore tells that "There are always two," meaning he'll be reluctant to slay Macleod and leave only one, especially since that would fulfill his enemy's own motto. With those conflicting impulses surging through him, and that ominous deep breathing he keeps hearing, Maul will be distracted to no end.

Macleod, on the other hand, is motivated by restoring the family honor. When MST3K uses you as the butt of one of their jokes -- in fingering Highlander 2: The Quickening as the low point of Sean Connery's career(and it isn't even your fault!) -- you will do anything to regain your good name. In most cases, the MST3K victim is so incompetent that this just leads to further humiliation, but could Ed Wood or Joe Don Baker swing a sword the way he does? I don't think so.

Macleod in 1 1/2 minutes, after which that double-bladed lightsabre becomes a great novelty ceiling fan.

- Call me Shane

Let me tell you a story. It's about Adolph Hitler. Anyway I once saw this movie when young Adolph had to win this soap box derby race, otherwise he would be imprisoned. Anyway as he started down the huge hill, all the other cars were crashing and bursting into flames around him. Everyone in the theater was on the edge of their seats hoping that he would win. It didn't matter that he would go on to be the evilist SOB in the world, they wanted him to win. Anyway, Hitler won, and everyone started cheering. You know why?

Because he was the hero.

So anyway, you can tell I'm kind of pissed off about the pod racing scene in The Phantom Menace.

So it's my moral duty to wote for Darth Maul, who tried to stop this evil from ever coming.

Of course, no mater how I vote Darth is still going to win due to the damn Jihad(There is no ....SCREW IT)

- Peanuts"I turned to the Dark Side, and they had donuts"Pat

Once again, the Grudge is threatening to crack our puny world in two for the sake of a match.

First off, The Phantom Menace sucked, and its villain, Maul, sucked right along with it. I've seen fans in the stands at football games who have better face paint than Maul did. Adding to this dark legacy, Ray Park, who played Darth Maul, also played Rayden in the fight scenes of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

His cinematic legacy as of now, as we can see, is one of pure, unrivaled suck. It is a mighty force, one that very few could stand in the way of.

Christopher Lambert is one of those few. While he does have the occasional good movie to his credit (Mean Guns, Mortal Kombat), he's also become synonymous to the serious student of pop culture with horrifyingly bad movies. Fortress. The last two Highlander sequels, and the IMDB tells me that an inexplicable fourth, starring Lambert, is on the way. Night Moves. A whole damned lot of French movies. French movies, dammit. A single French movie's suck power could mercilessly extinguish the non-suck from a good movie in seconds, and Lambert's been in eight of them!

Clearly, this is not a fight between mortals, but is, instead, a battle between two modern avatars of the fearsome Suck Power, the legendary fifth force that holds the universe together. Each avatar is equally powerful; Lambert has quantity to his name, while Maul/Park has definitive quality in his corner. They are equally matched. Neither can suck more than the other.

But wait. Look deeper into this bout. I may not know anything about quantum physics, but I know a disaster in the making when I see it! This duel will set up a cataclysmic, once-a-millennium Suck Event^TM! The irresistible Suck Force of Maul will meet the domineering Suck Force of MacLeod, and neither will be powerful enough to overcome the other! New York City will be shaken to rubble, and before long, unless they are stopped, this bout will crack the world in two!

I beg you! Send out Mr. T to end this fight as soon as you can! The world depends on it!

- Thomas Wilde (a.k.a. Wanderer)

THE FINAL WORD...

i say they team up and kick george lucas' ass for letting a thing like episode 1 happen

- kramertim

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

William Wallace v. Groundskeeper Willy
The French Army v. The English Soccer Hooligans
Other Star Wars™ based Grudge Matches™

Next Match: Frat boys just wanna have fun...
ETA: Monday, April 17th, 2000

Related links for further research

Darth Maul (1180 - 54.9%)

decapitates**

Connor MacLeod (968 - 45.1%)

** What? You thought we'd use "mauls"?