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The Setting

Madison Square Garden. Midnight. The two most hated figures on the internet step out from the corridors: Barney, the purple dinosaur and Ensign Wesley Crusher. As they approach the caged ring at the center of the floor, boos are heard coming from every corner of the arena. Barney, draped in a dark hood, is the first to reach the cage. Referee Luke Perry unlocks the door and Barney steps into the ring. He rips the hood off his face and roars (actually he sings something, but he's trying to roar) -- his purple biceps already glistening with perspiration. Down the other aisle comes Wesley, a towel draped over his head, surrounded by his entourage led by Geordi. As Wesley enters the ring, the boos become deafening. In each corner: a shiny, titanium bladed chainsaw. Luke Perry locks the cage, rings the bell, and both parties come out swinging. You lose when you are dead. Who do you like, Steve, in this bloody chainsaw cage match to the death?

Barney the Purple Dinosaur, Barney and Friends Ensign Wesley Crusher, Star Trek: The Next Generation
[Place mouse over the above "Barney" pic for info on our legal hassles]

Barney the Purple Dinosaur


Ensign Wesley Crusher

The Commentary

STEVE: Are you ready to rumble? This is going to be one gory bloodfest! I am perplexed by this match---I want both to win. No, I want both to lose. No, I want both to win. No, I want both to lose.... Aaaaaaahhhhh!! I'm think my head is going to explode!

Ok, I'm better now. After thinking about this in a clear, objective, Steve-style manner, I think I have to go with Wesley. The reason? Stubby Arms. Barney just can't manuver that chainsaw very well with his dinky, stubby meathooks. He may even chop himself up trying to start it. Meanwhile, Wesley will somehow manage to get his started (maybe Worf will help him pull the cord), and will eventually drag it over to Barney and slice off his kneecaps. Barney's usually cheery face will change into a one of fear, confusion, and pain. Barney will bleed to death as millions of onlookers worldwide gaze in amazement. Prediction: #1 watched sporting event of all time.

BRIAN: I'm amazed, Steve, you usually go for the big man! Of course, I usually pull for the little guy, but in this case I gotta go with Barney. True, his arms aren't the longest in the world, but they're longer than T. Rex's, that's for sure. Besides, there's no way Wesley could even lift that heavy chainsaw with enough force to do much damage. The way I see it, Wesley is cowering in the corner, asking Scotty how to get it started (Scotty, of course, replies "Give 'er all she'z got, Ens'n"). Barney sashays over and raises his mighty weapon and lops off Wesley's head a la Highlander-style taking a good portion of the corner post, ropes and Scotty's gut with it. Wesley, however, falls toward Barney in a horrible death lunge, Worf's hand still on the cord. The cord tightens, the chainsaw groans, and titanium meets purple flesh. Barney is still listed in critical condition. Prediction: #2 watched sporting event of all time behind Extreme Games (tm) street luge finals.

Side note: Again, this must be decided by crowd response as Luke Perry is horribly mangled. When he locks the cage, he forgets to get out of it first. Barney's back swing catches him in the mouth and knocks him out of the Garden. Luke Perry is seen flying over Manhattan yelling "My face! My face! My valuable face!" before landing softly in a pillow factory which is subsequently demolished.

STEVE: Brian, there is another factor here which you're overlooking. You see, there's Barney's ...ahem... weight problem. Two or three steps and he's huffin' and puffin'. He's just one twinkie short of a heart attack. The mere excitment of the match will probably send him defibrillating.

Although Wesley will be victorious, he is still in trouble. After Barney's fall, millions of dancing, screaming, obnoxious kids will storm the cage. Worf and Geordi, who are outside the cage, and thus unprotected from the onslaught, realize their only hope is to eliminate the focus of the kids' rage. Worf reaches through the bars, grabs the chainsaw, and slices up Wesley himself. And he saw that it was good.

The Results

Both Mangled and Killed (780)


Barney (150) and Wesley (258)

Note: The 3-way voting program had many problems over this past week. Unfortunately, some votes were lost, and some of you might have seen strange behavior on the apres-voting page. However, public opinion was quite clear, so the results will stand as they are.

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Voter Comments

You have to be kidding. Chainsaws? Why? You put *any* human in that cage with Barney--even a subhuman like Wesley--and it's all over. Because once anyone over the age of 2 hears Barney begin belting out that miserable anthem of his--"I wuv you, you wuv me (TM)..."--the human dies. It's just that simple. And the Purple One, doubtlessly having no idea what a chainsaw is used for anyway ("Hey kids, want to play in the neighborhood woodlot today?" I don't think so.), would unquestionably resort to his One, True Weapon--that miserable song. And you can forget about Worf or Geordi or ANYONE saving Wesley. As a teenager and hence a person closer to the age of 2, Crusher Jr. probably has the longest resistance to the Song Attack. Worf would die on the first notes. Geordi would rip off his visor in rip-snorting agony. And forget Luke Perry. he probably would decapitate himself with the chainsaw to get out of that cage... Barney in three notes.

JM Massi

I voted both in an attempt to stop them from breeding.

- Michael Haller

They'll both die a horrible, bloody death because I'll be at ring side with my 12 gauge to finish them both off before the match even get's started :-) Barney will be the first to eat lead! I have a two year old at home and after a long weekend chock-full-o Barney tapes, I can't stand it anymore. Do you hear me? Do you understand what I'm saying? Ahhhhh! Where's my gun? WHERE'S MY GUN?

DAS, Philadelphia, PA

I was dumbfounded as to who could possibly win such an even match. Wesley with his whiz-kid, Mozart-like brand of klutzyness. Barney with his saccharine, cutsy-pie-disgusting ineptness. Then I saw the "Both mangled and killed" selection. The veil was lifted! I could see it as plain as day! Sure they start out with evenly matched chainsaws, but Wesley slips in a few billion nanites that he'd whipped up before the match, who build trillions of little chainsaws on the chain of the big chainsaw, multiplying the mangling power exponentially. But Wesley, being the real world dweeb that he is, doesn't slash at Barney, but just plows ahead and guts him as he could have sans nanite power.

At this Barney cuts loose from years of sugar poisoning and insulin injections, and with a stentorian roar calls back on the memories of his 65-million-year-dead ancestors and hacks Wesley (who was so stupid he just stood there after burying his chainsaw in Barney) into a heap of blood-spurting gore. But just as Barney rears back to apply the coup de grace, the last remnant of Wesley that had any talent, his hands, tip Wesley's chainsaw up, finishing the job of cutting Barney in half.

There is a happy ending, though. The nanites, although disgusted that anything so goofy-looking could have invented them, decide that the remains of the combatants are a perfect home/food for their kind. They declare their independance as sentient life-forms and take over the ring.

Picard and Co., in their slavish devotion to the life-form-of-the-week and the Prime Directive (or at least how they're interpreting it THIS week) recognize the claim and fend off all attempts to destroy the colony, especially those from the Will-Kill Pest Patrol ("If it flies, it dies. If if crawls, it falls.") At last, the REAL Jim Kirk pops out of a passing Nexus strand, commandeers the Enterprise-D, and wastes everyone who isn't part of his original crew or Vulcan. See, wasn't that happy?

Rick Riebs

Barney. It's a time thing. Neither actually comes out in a crazed rage, they don't have it in them. But Barney will start singing a little chainsawing song whilst Wesley starts to try to convert his weapon of mass destruction into a non harmful interphasic bibbly ray emmitter which will incapacitate Barney without harm (he's such a wuss). Unfortunately, Barney works in the thirty second blipvert format that is modern children's tv, whilst plot demands that Wes will be at the engineering problem for around 45 minutes. So, 30 seconds into the match, Wes has barely started to take his chainsaw apart when Barney finishes his little song, starts up the chainsaw ("vrrmmmm!"), does a little dance towards Wesley and mercilessly hacks the little turd into steaming gobbets of flesh.

Luke Perry judges Barney the winner and then chainsaws him for the good of mankind.


But then who chainsaws Luke Perry for the good of mankind? -Ed.

O.K. It pans out like this: Wesley (from now on reffered to as Weasel) and Barney enter the ring. Weasel tries to pick up his chainsaw and can't. Barney takes his and starts it without a problem but starts singing in tune with it's humming. While Barney is wrapped up in singing to all the screaming kids Weasel Jury rigs an anti-grav system and effortlessly swings the chainsaw at Barney. Barney parries and lunges. Weasel parries like he's seen in old Erroll flynn holo's (which he's been watching to learn how Mr Flynn picks up chicks). This continues, The conversation going something like this: W:"your powers are weak, Old man" B:"You know you can't win." then Barney sees a starry eyed boy watching him from the audience (who happens to be called Luke) and lifts his Saw in the air. Weasel sees his chance and slices Barney in two pieces. Just then, a teenage girl screams and applauds. Weasel turns to look at the first woman he's ever impressed, and blows her a kiss, like Eroll Flynn. Weasel forgets his anti-grav'ed Saw, which, just as Geordi yells, floats through Weasels face. The crowd go WIIIILLLLDDDDD!

Chris Adams

Without an opposable thumb (or even movable fingers), just how is Barney supposed to operate a chainsaw?

- Craig

As you all know Barney's public image is merely a front to mesmerize children. Having done so he leads them into never-never land & then gobbles them up. Wesley, basically a child himself, is easily lulled into catatonia & then has his scrawny little head chewed up by Barney! Luke Perry escapes unharmed because he is actually 45 years old.

-Steve J.

Simple. For the good of mankind, the US, Russia, China, Britain, and France (the declared nuclear powers, also working together on UFO technology) will vapourize the site of this contest, reducing Barney and Wesley to component atoms. Subsequent revenge attacks by large T-Rex's (Barney's family) and phaser blasts (NCC-1701D in orbit) ravage much of the planet, until chaos rules supreme. Not much of a suprise, considering Wesley Crusher was involved. That twit is a walking disaster area.

- Kirk F.

Wesley Crusher leaps at Barney, and kills him with the phaser that he had hidden in his pocket. And as Wes hovers over his defeated opponent, Baby Bop Comes and leaps at Wes, just as Wes starts eating the liver of our former favorite purple dinosaur. Wes is killed in an instant, but just then, Worf who at that moment had been talking with a hot Ferengi woman saw the horrid death of his young companion by the ugly young sis of Barney. So he yells and leaps at the green reptile and rips off hre mask, but before he does he manages to stab the dinosaur with his ever-so-trustworthy Klingon Blade. So when he sees who he just mutilated he screams in surprise. He had just killed his thought-to-be- dead Klingon mate Keh'yler.

- NITEC student 20

The lights dim...each contender reaches for their chainsaw...and they're into the ring, circling each other, looking for an advantage. The crowd fades from their perceptions as they become aware of only each other and the steady pulse of the chainsaw in their hands.

Or it would be a steady pulse, except (with a sudden and terrifying insight) each realizes that their chainsaw has not been started for them. Barney, with the hardwired smile on his face contorted in a rictus of fear and hatred reaches across, only to discover that he can't hold onto the saw with one hand and reach the ripcord with the other. "Hello, Kids!" he chortles, translated as "Shit! my arms are too short!" but censored by the PBS police. Wesley, however, has similar problems, as he cannot muster the muscle necessary to get the thing started.

At this point, the crowd, realizing that the best they are going to see is a little bit of blood and maybe a broken bone or two as the pair swat each other with inert chainsaws, decides to take a hand in things. As one, they rise up out of the stands, tear down the chain-link barrier, and descend on the two hapless contestants, disembowelling them in an orgy of blood and purple felt. The last thing heard is the purple dinosaur screaming "Can't we all be friends?", meaning "Shit! I have no friends over the age of 5! I need a kevlar dinosaur costume!"

Then, as suddenly as it began, all is silent. The spectators look at each other, blinking owlishly under the lights, observing what they have become. "Damn fine job," one of them finally says, spitting out one of Barney's arms. All of them not in agreement.

After a healthy round of congratulations, they return to their lives and continue to be productive members of society, now free of the depredations of Wes and the Purple Dinosaur.

- David B.

NOTE: A similar scenario was given by Daniel U. who gave the all important addition of: "The ideal result would be for Luke Perry to die as well, but we can't have everything." Good point, Daniel!

In his appearances on "Star Trek: The Next Generation," Wesley has shown himself time and time again to be quick-thinking, agile, adaptable, and cool-headed under stress, among his other, more annoying qualities. In his appearances on "Barney and Friends," Barney has shown himself to be a slow-witted, condescending buffoon who routinely engages in his own self-aggrandizement at the expense of the kids on the show and everyone watching, among his other, more annoying qualities. I fail to see how the outcome of this fight would even be in doubt. Crusher would circle the huge, clumsy purple freak, effortlessly dodging the latter's pathetic attempts to hurt him, and dart in, doing just enough damage each time to just hurt him, until Barney finally collapses in a heap, having bled to death.

- Ed Lee

Barney cautiously approaches Wesley, very aware of the chain saw, and asks, "can't we just be friends?" Wesley smiles brightly as he looks up and takes the stupid purple dinosaurs hand. Both start to dance around and sing joyously. After about three minutes of this, the spectators start to pelt the two freaks with bottles and folding chairs. Barney and Mr. Crusher sob loudly as the disgusted spectators beat them to death, slowly. This is exactly how both are killed like the losers they are, bringing disgrace and ridicule to their families and the WWWF Grudge Match Federation. Both Wesley and Barney's lifeless bodies are ground up into chicken feed.

Winners: The Human Race Losers: Barney and Wesley

- Mel S.

The Outcome - Both are mangled and killed.
The Reason - What happens when you combine the following factors?
1) Barney the Dinosaur
2) Wesley Crusher
3) A large cage from which escape is impossible.
4) A very large audience with a huge supply of firearms, knives, chainsaws,
        explosives and more raw hate than you can poke a stick at.

The situation onfolds like this....
1) Barney enters the stadium, the crowd boos.
2) Wesley enters the stadium, the crowd boos.
3) Both enter the cage, and the crowd gets ready.
4) Puke err LUKE Perry locks the cage.  Pity about him still being in it.
5) The bell rings and, as one, about 750 grenades arc into the ring from
        the audience.  It's gonna get messy.
6) With the many explosions, the gunfire begins.
7) In the ensuing firestorm, Barney, Wesley and Luke all end up being
        shredded by shrapnel, buggered up by bullets, fried by flame and to
        cap it off, Luke has a *really* bad hair day.
8) Many of the people with front row seats are also killed in the
        encounter, but what the heck.  You can't make an omelet without
        breaking some eggs.

- Douglas Jackson

Much as I hate them both, I'll have to go with Wesly on this one. You seem to have forgotten the Traveller Factor which allows Wesley to STOP TIME ITSELF! for whatever reason, even if it's to chop up that giant purple monstrosity into just so much Dino-Borscht. This Traveller Factor will also allow Wesley to split before the crowd decends upon him. Worf, Scotty, Geordi, and Luke will thankfully not escape.

- Jason S.

Had to vote for Crusher due to the fact that Barney has no fingers to operate the chainsaw. I should know because I used to wear the costume for Neiman-Marcus.

Scott Morell

I voted for both to die. From my eagle-eye view above the cage, I noticed that Wesley was beginning to drool (he just can't quite get himself under control!). The growing pool of spit on the canvas went unnoticed by both opponents and quickly became unavoidable as the two circled each other. Barney was the first to fall helplessly to the mat, landing on his back while his chainsaw flew precariously through the air. Wesley dropped his chainsaw to the mat and ran over to the beached Barney. "Are you alright, gee, where's Mom?" Wesley stuttered. Unable to lift the overweight dinosaur, Wesley spun around and began to run across the mat to find his Mommy, slipping on the lake of spittle and sliding across the mat. His last words as he careened into the now smoking chainsaw which lay where he had dropped it earlier were, "Mom, where are you?"

In the meantime, Barney's flying chainsaw which had become lodged in the metal framework of the fighting cage worked itself loose, falling on the helpless reptile. Barney began to sing as his pulse slowed, "I love death, death loves me. Would somebody please bury me?" Even in death the brave little dinosaur found time to teach America's toddlers.

As I contemplated the growing pools of spittle and blood, I hoped that the WWWF clean-up crew took proper precautionary steps to avoid more needless deaths by wearing protective gear and avoiding the danger of HIV-infection.

- Leah S.

Barney steps into the ring and hears his many thousands of fans booing and hissing him and his opponent. "Oh my!" He mourns, "my legions of friends are sad and unhappy! What shall I do? I know, we'll sing together and all will be happy again! Come on, my brave opponnent (waves to Wesley), sing together with me!"

He ignores his chainsaw and starts wailing. Meanwhile Wesley has popped open the hood on his ripper and reconstructed it to unleash leathal rays of plasma in the direction of a certain purple blob.

Wesley fires up his weapon and lets loose his blast, but unfortunately, since Barney is dancing this way and that, it misses and fries Luke Perry's hair off completely. In a fit of rage, HE picks up Barney's saw and runs amok in a savage frenzy, hacking apart Barney in 2 seconds flat. Data has by this time bent the bars to the cage open and Mr. Worf knocks Luke Perry's head clean off. Wesley and friends beam out with only a reprimand from Picard chastising him for yet another stupid academy blunder.


You're forgetting that both Wesley and barney have other weapons at their disposal besides chainsaws:

Wesley: obscene and implausible powers over space, time, warp fields, particles-of-the-week, etc.

Barney: obscene and implausible songs which cause saccarine poinsoning to all within earshot.

So, Wesley tries to create a warp bubble around Barney using a phase-induced duodecion subspace anti-time wave, but that damn "I love you, you love me" song throws off his concentration. Both explode in a gratifying but horribly expensive warp accident -- dorky uniforms melt, purple felt explodes, everybody's dead.

- Frank M.

This is a tough decision. Who do I want mangled and killed more? Barney, the Purple Pedophile, or Wesley (the name alone should be enough to incite riots). Then there's pretty boy Luke Perry in the zebra shirt. Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Once Barney and Wesley are locked into the cage, the crowd will start to chant "Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood! Blood!" Since violence is a foreign concept to Barney, he won't know what to do with the chainsaw other than to start telling some stupid story about happy lumberjacks working in happy forests. Wesley, on the other hand will decide that the weapon is completely useless and he will start to reorganize its structural subatoms. In his most contrived plan yet, he redesigns the chainsaw so it becomes a laser emitting phaser that must be bounced off twelve different satellites in geosychronous orbit above the earth before returning to earth using the back entrance of Madison Square Garden, bouncing off the scoreboard and touching nothing but net, before eventually frying Barney.

Wesley gets the chainsaw properly configured to carry out his plan but Wesley the Weasel is too weak to pull the starting cord. Barney notices Wesley's dilemma and offers to help. As soon as Barney starts to help Wesley, Luke Perry gets in close to make sure that nothing illegal is being done. Barney lectures Luke on the goodness found in helping others, so all three start to pull at the cord. After several hours of trying, Gene Roddenberry's ghost enters the ring, starts the device and Wesley, Barney and Perry are all reduced to dust. Children under 3 years of age declare a state of mourning the world over. Star Trek fans celebrate the elimination of Wesley and the kids from 90210 go shopping. Aren't happy endings wonderful?


Wesley wins! It's a lead-pipe certainty. See the noble brow! The subtle yet commanding ribbed turtleneck! The surging crest of his hairline!

- Kent

One word for you guys--costume!!! Who knows what kind of maniac lies under the purple folds of stupidity that we call Barney? ALthough some insiders tell me it's Van Damme, I happen to know it's Mr. T. (I seen it with my own eyes--I pity the po' foo who don't believe ma story!!!) As we all know, the T-ster would just rip poor crusher to shreds, chainsaw or no. End of story, my friends.

- Nancy P.

I am single with no contact of any sort with vertically challenged peckerheads, so barney may go in peace. However, I am a dedicated ST:TNG fan and have been forced to watch pimply-faced Weasle-y boy interrupt many a good episode. Or even worse yet, have a whole episode built around his character. The only time I enjoy watching Weasle-y on screen is when Picard is tell him to shut up. I shall enjoy watching him die a slow and hopefully very bloody death!

- Susan L.

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Captain Kangaroo v. Mister Rogers
Waldo v. Carmen Sandiego
Borg v. ID4 Mothership

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