World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

Normandy Invasion

The Setting

It's May 23rd, 1944 - two weeks before the Normandy invasion. General Eisenhower gets clocked on the head and thinks he's Ethel Merman -- no chance of returning to duty for at least two months. He is replaced by the best man for the job: Colonel Henry Blake of M*A*S*H. At the same time, Field Marshal Rundstedt actually becomes Ethel Merman by an unexplained phenomenon and never returns to duty. He is replaced by the best man the Nazi's have for the job: Colonel Klink of Hogan's Heroes. Both men are given full field authority. The allies decide to go forth with D-day as planned and, on June 6, 1944, after two weeks of planning by Blake and two weeks of preparation by Klink, the Invasion of Normandy is attempted. Who wins, Axis or Allies?

Colonel Blake, M*A*S*H Colonel Klink, Hogan's Heroes

Colonel Blake

vs.

Colonel Klink

The Commentary

STEVE: Well, this certainly is a match-up of incompetence. I think I'm reluctantly going to have to go with Klink by default. Let me explain my reasoning: The two weeks will pass by, and Blake has forgotten all about the invasion, due to his preoccupation with fishing and socializing with his buddies. In addition, Radar wasn't there due to an unexpected V2 attack, so no one was around to run things and remind him of the upcoming invasion. The way I see it, June 6th comes and goes, with no invasion attempt. Therefore Klink must win by default. For the record however, if an invasion did occur, I'd have to side with the allies.

BRIAN: First of all, the invasion will go as scheduled because Radar survived the V2 attack because he was down the street at "Fergie's" having a grape ni-high when the strike hit. Second, the invasion will be a success, not due to Blake's strategic genius, but mainly due to the complete chaos that will develop in France in those two weeks. Two words: French resistance. True, the French aren't worth much when it comes to wars, but they are good at causing a lot of trouble when nobody is paying attention. With Klink's ineptitude and Schultz' lack of military presence, the French underground will have a system so complex it will make Hogan look as clever as Forrest Gump. The resistance, mainly working out of bunk beds, tree stumps, and coffee pots, will convince Klink that the invasion will actually occur near Monte Carlo, thereby throwing off their entire defense. Blake and co. will waltz in.

STEVE: Although Klink may be a blunderer, he did have drive and ambition. Luckily, Schultz will still be back at the camp, guarding Hogan. Schultz is the "Gilligan" of Hogan's Heroes. He was always screwing things up for the Nazis. Without him, Klink will finally have his opportunity to show his true military might.

Also, not many people know this, but Klink had a radio transmitter hidden in Blake's coffee pot! He knows Blake's plans when Blake does. Of course, Blake doesn't have any to begin with, so the point is moot.

And yes, Radar survived the V2 attack, but later that day he was killed after some drunken Brits punched him silly after spotting him hanging out with Klinger in his best Sunday Dress. It's important that the whole story be known.

BRIAN: Klink and military might go together like Janet Reno and sex appeal. Yes, Klink had drive and ambition, both coupled with severe incompetence. As discussed previous, the French underground will have a field day and come June 6th, Colonel Klink will be standing on the beaches near the great casinos of Monte Carlo, waiting in vain while history is happening on the other side of the country.

And yes, Blake was also a bumbling idiot more interested in fishing than making war - but he's got the American spirit, dammit, and nothing can stop that ('Battle Hymn of the Republic' is playing in the background as I am saying this). And besides Radar was not killed by those Britains, contrary to popular opinion. If it's important that the whole story come out, it should be known that in mid-May of 1944 Klinger went straight and Radar was the one who started wearing women's clothing (but still perfectly normal in all other regards, just like J. Edgar). Klinger was the one who got killed, while the one in the dress got away. If you don't believe me, you can see Radar in the picture above, second from the back with his head down. It's really him. He made it!

STEVE: Since we're telling the whole truth, let's not hold back anything. You and I both know that person in the picture isn't Radar, but Radar's evil twin, Sonar. He may have many of the same traits as Radar, but his talent is being able to tell when submarines are coming near. This is obviously useless in the Normandy invasion.

I have come up with an alternative scenario. By some miraculous act, Blake gets the invasion off on time. Halfway through the channel, he spots a mighty gamefish. "Turn the boat around, I'm going fishing," he orders. After a failed attempt at his prize trophy fish, he continues on with the invasion. The only problem is that he forgot that he turned around. Blake launches his mighty assault on Britain instead, and it takes days to sort the whole mess out. Blake is then hung for treason and incompetence. Meanwhile, back in Normandy, Klink is overrun by the French, which is damn pathetic as we all know. End of story.

For M*A*S*H and Hogan's Heroes links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Colonel Blake (116)

beats

Colonel Klink (104)

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Blake will win, period. This momentous victory will occur when Colonel Klink forgets to keep up is accent. Klink will accidentally drop his bad German accent, reverting to his Iowa farm boy roots. The Germans will catch this slip, and will be more interested in torturing Klink than dealing with the invading forces. Blake is victorious, and is hereafter placed in command of a MASH unit in Korea.

-Gonzo

Klink has raw intensity, German ingenuity and a strange accent. Blake has halitosis, east-coast sarcasm and a strange accent. Klink by a hair's breath.

-Torey L.

Plain and simple......Colonel Klink is Homer's hero.

-Chris

Blake is definitely the winner. Actually, Blake would be in the shower the whole time, and Radar would be the one calling the shots. Klink would be overtaken at the invasion's start by his prisoners (Hogan etc.), as they take Klinger's advice, dress up like women, and take over the camp. Meanwhile, Radar had ordered McHale's Navy and the cast of Private Benjamin (the series, not the movie) into action.

A victory was obvious for the Allies. I mean, how many Axis folks have their own sitcom?

-Dave

Finally, Col. Klink is given his chance, eager to convince the brass, back at Nazi headquarters, of his competence, Col. Klink recruits the aid of several highly trained Nazi eugenecists. Due to their highly advanced research in human DNA, they are able to save Radar's brain (like they did with Hitler), and eventually ressurect a new, eviler Radar, aka Satellite Detection.

Using Satellite Detection's powers, Col. Klink is able to discover the approximate location of the invasion fleet, seeing his chance, Col. Klink sends a mighty robotic gamingfish, complete with bomb and Blake Sensing Unit (Radar's long lost second cousin removed). Col. Blakes sees the fish and can't resist, *BOOM* there goes the flagship and the morale of the soldiers.

Result:

The invasion never takes place, and Germany wins the war.

Today's hottest fashions: black gloves, black boots, roundy glasses, long leather Gestapo trench-coats + walking stick. All produced by Gestapo Inc. where our motto is: "If you don't like our fashions, then YOU DIE!! FOOL!!"

Top 3 television shows: #3 Racial Improvements, #2 Seinfeld : Oh no! another Jew!, #1 Hitler knows best

#1 Song - N.A.Z.I. sung by the Village Aryans. (I like the SS Officer best, don't you?)

-Kendrick

This one shouldn't even be close. Blake will lead the allied forces to a more crushing defeat than the original D-day in 1944. It isn't because of Blake's military genius (he has none), it isn't because Klink always screws up (even though he does), the battle will be won and lost because of the respective supporting casts.

Blake has Radar O'Reiley, the person who, single-handedly, ran the entire US armed forces during the Korean war; and that from a small, insignificant mobile army hospital. Who was Klink's most trusted assistant? Shultz. At this point more than enough has been said. But on with my observations anyways...

Since Radar is aware of Blake's fixation on fishing, all he has to do is tell Blake that he can get the best fishing done on the beaches of Normandy, France. That's all he will have to do and he'll only have to tell Blake once, because Blake will start concentrating on how those French fish will go well with some French fries (hmmmmm, fish and chips...). While Blake is fantasizing about all the fish he will catch, Radar will be planning the amphibious assault and passing the orders on to all the allied commanders by impersonating Blake's voice.

Meanwhile in Germany, Klink will be blissfully unaware that anything is being planned because he is always so focused on what Hogan is doing. Since Hogan will be aware of the allied plans, he will feed disinformation to Klink during his daily interrogations. Meanwhile, the other POWs will drug Shultz with some "special coffee" and will dress him up as a cabaret showgirl. Klink will see Shultz promenading through the camp in his long chiffon dress and start to readjust his monocle. When it is properly in place and Klink realizes that he isn't dreaming, Richard Dawson will sneak up on Shultz and start to kiss him in his best Family Feud manner. Since the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy wasn't in place in the 1944 German army, Klink will spend the two weeks leading up to D-day having Shultz undergo all kinds of courtmartials and psychiatric tests. His precious time to counter act allied plans will be wasted, as will the axis when Blake hits the beach.

Allies, led by Blake, will reclaim Europe in eight minutes and fifty-two seconds. The Japanese will hear of Blake's might and will surrender, thus avoiding the use of nuclear weapons. World War II will have a much happier ending.

HotBranch!

Let's not forget Hawkeye and Trapper John. The booze that they make with their still is sure to blind Colonel Klink in his one remaining good eye.

-Tony

Celebrated actor Werner Klemperer, best known as the inept Nazi leader Colonel Klink from TV's
Hogan's Heroes, passed away from cancer on December 7th, 2000. He was 80.

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