World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

Main Street, Paradise City, Republic of Minnetoba.

"But why'd you tell that guy that Dave would pay? Dave's not here, man," a confused, bandanna-wearing man tells his friend.

"You loco? We don't got any money. Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut? That trick always works in the barrio, man. Hey look at this!"


"I can't believe we couldn't buy that case of beer with my wad of Canadian Tire cash! Some paradise this place turned out to be," chirps the smaller of two toque-clad individuals.

"That's what happens when somebody takes a picture of the governor doin' it with a moose, eh," the larger responds. "We gotta get some cash for beer. What's this?"

The promotional flyers read: "Need cash? Ultimate Unsanctioned Fights (UUF) is looking for new talent. We're paying $500 for any tag team that wins a fight. Apply at Minnetoba Cube Garden."

Later that evening, the venue is packed to the rafters with a throng of Canadamerican peasants and screaming French businessmen. Bob and Doug are the first to be introduced by the sand-filled pit announcer, then Cheech and Chong enter the ring.

The only thing that both tag teams can hear over the din of the crowd is that they must kill their opponent in order to get the $500. Both teams are flat broke, and they've been clean and sober for almost 36 hours. Basically, they're PISSED. To make matters worse, Bob and Doug have been covered in taco sauce while Cheech and Chong have been covered in steak sauce. Clearly, the situation has reached critical mass as the bell rings to start the fight.

So HotBranch!, who gets the five hundred: the dope heads or the drunks?

Cheech and Chong, Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong Bob and Doug McKenzie, Strange Brew

Cheech & Chong vs. Bob & Doug McKenzie

The Commentary

HOTBRANCH!: Bob and Doug will use their eh game to beat up on Cheech and Chong. When you think of it, there really is no other choice. Basically, this is Canada versus the US all over again, but this time history will show that 2002 was a very good year for Canada. First there was the double Olympic hockey gold, now Canada will school America in the fine art of substance abuse.

Cheech and Chong milked their franchise 'till the cow went dry. Bob and Doug had the good sense to do only one album and one movie, knowing that brevity is the art of wit. Some old guy once said "Always leave 'em wanting more", which is what the McKenzie brothers did. Cheech and Chong, on the other hand, are the Police Academy of the THC set.

While researching this match, I studied several Grudge staffers. I noticed that the drunks were stronger, more belligerent, and less prone to an attack of "the munchies"(tm) than the potheads, who were nearly indistinguishable from Golba, the narcoleptic. In fact, when you consider that Canada is basically still a British colony, Bob and Doug can harness the mighty power of soccer hooligans, casting aside any doubt you might have about the result of this fight.

JOE: I don't know what Strange Brew you've been drinking, HB!, but Bob and Doug and don't have even the slightest chance of winning this one. What you call "milking the franchise", I call endurance. What you call "brevity of wit", I call "giving up and going home", and that's exactly what the McKenzie brothers are gonna do today.

Bob and Doug may be able to call upon the soccer hooligans, but who cares? Cheech was Born in East L.A., so he's got a whole city of heat-packin' gang members to back him up. You think they're scared of a couple crazy-eyed brits? Yeah, right. While the Los Angelinos are laying down cover fire, Cheech and Chong are gonna go to town on those two dim-witted hosers.

Cheech will start by jumping the smaller McKenzie Bro. I'd go into the messy details, but we already know the outcome. It's not like anyone is ever going to accuse Rick Moranis of being tough. Tommy Chong has the other match well in hand. He's taller, has better reach than Doug and he's got those crazy Wisconsinites from That 70's Show(TM) for a backup. Not only that, he's also a Bus Driver, and as the Official Bus Driver of the WWWF Grudge Match I will just say that you don't wanna mess with a bus driver.

I'm sorry, but this match is going to be so short that even Golba will be able to stay awake through it.

HOTBRANCH!: Still smoking after all these years, Joe? Sorry to be blunt, bud, but the sad state of your arguments is chronic.

Cheech might be from East L.A., but Grudge precedent has shown that the local street gangs are nothing more than two-legged lemmings. Can you say "friendly fire"? I knew you could...

If you're going to invoke birthplaces, then the fight just got tougher and uglier than your blue ox, Shep. Tommy Chong, like the McKenzie brothers, is Canadian, so your advice to not piss off the bus driver is pulling a u-turn to run you over, and the Canucks had the good sense to bring a Costco-sized barrel™ of WhupAss.

Bob and Doug are experienced beer hunters, so they have the support of Grudge champion, Steve Irwin. The best Cheech and Chong can do is invoke the help of Nash Bridges, who was beat up by a bunch of girls. This beating will be so violent and messy, featuring the type of gore and carnage that keeps Thinkmaster's government employee nerves under control, it will be indistinguishable from a high-quality industrial accident.

It's usually safer to get between a mother bear and her cub than it is to get between a sober Canadian and his means of getting drunk. Let this be a warning to the American readers: when Canada invades, we'll be drunk and we'll make you laugh your asses off. What kind of a superpower would you be then, being assless and all?

JOE: Well, that was a big random jaunt into nowhere. You say my bus driver argument has taken a u-turn because Mr. Chong is Canadian? I really don't see how that stops him from pimp-slappin' Doug... and the only time you even mentioned the McKenzie brothers in that whole tangent was during that vague and very thin connection to the Crocodile Hunter. And the Miami Vice boys?!? No way, if Cheech is bringing anyone, its George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino. What are Bob and Doug going to counter that with... Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd? Oooh... I'm trembling.

Hey, I got a little side-bet for you: I got ten bucks here that says Rick Moranis doesn't have the strength to carry a fun-size can of Whup-Ass (TM) into this match, much less a Costco-sized barrel. What do you think Cheech and Chong will do when two scrawny dorks enter the ring and tell them to "Take Off, eh"? Their first thought will be: "Awww, man! We're up against that nerd from 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids'!"

Lets face some facts here, shall we? Cheech and Chong are stronger, faster and less dim-witted than their Canadian adversaries. They are going to beat Bob and Doug into two bloody lumps faster than you can say "your Schwartz is as big as mine."

Thanks to Ben Evans, Stanzel Washington, Vermin Boy, Michael Keller,
Paul Meyer and Jonah Falcon for suggesting this match.

The Results

Cheech and Chong, Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong

Cheech & Chong (1687 - 58.1%)


Bob and Doug McKenzie, Strange Brew

Bob & Doug McKenzie (1215 - 41.9%)

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Voter Comments


Even though Ted "I'm a real sumbitch at limbo" Logan had matrix powers he still lost to Wayne "I have a Scottish fetish" Campbell and Garth "Blank Slate and Opportunity Knocks were crap" Algar. This is because of William "We got to go back in the time machine and get my career" Prescott.

Ergo, the weak sidekick makes a weak duo, and the weak duo is not the strong duo, and therefore they lose.

It has been scientifically proven that Rick Moranis will never win a fight, ever. And since Dave Thomas suffers from what they call Bill & Garth syndrome (the main character gets real famous whilst the sidekick gets only sort of famous), this is ultimately the weak duo.

Besides, if you'll remember from the movie "Yellowbeard," not only does Chong have the side of the Almighty, but the duo has backing from Monty Python, and through them the Rat Pack, and through them the New York Mafia. While Monty Python and the Godfather are tried-and-true Grudge Match champions, the Rat Pack has yet to kick ass. But I'm sure they would. God's list of allies includes Tim Taylor via Wilson, the Toy Story gang via Tim Taylor, and Forrest Gump via the Toy Story gang. Who knows, maybe Forrest's war buddy Adrian Cronauer will drop in. And of course Mork and Mrs. Doubtfire will join Adrian. Another two of God's buddies that will aid Chong in his fight for survival are Moses and Indiana Jones. I'm sure that these fourteen will suffice to snuff out our Canucklehead antagonists.

Bob & Doug's Grudge Match allies: Mr. Bean, the Ghostbusters, NOT English Soccer Hooligans (because they and the French Army cancel each other out), and Wesley Crusher (don't ask).

Also one could see this pairing as a microcosm of the USA vs. Canada match. And we all know who won that.

- Vito S

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Drunks and potheads fighting to the death for cash to buy more booze. Ahhh, just like Christmas with the family.

- sPeciAL eD

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Man... you don't get it. Cheech and Chong are HISPANIC. All they need to do is yell, and all of their cousins will come and help them out. They've got more cousins than all of Canada. Hell, I'm probably one of their cousins.

- Vato Loco

Two words: Nash Bridges. Cheech will forever be known as "That pussy from Nash Bridges." Besides, Canadians scare me.

- ticklewigglejigglepickle

I voted for Bob and Doug cuz I need Cheech and Chong down here NOW to play for my basketball team. I've got a hefty bet on with God.


It all comes down to drug of choice.

Beer inspires fist-fights.
Pot inspires uncontrollable giggling.

Beer inspires sports riots.
Pot inspires the munchies.

Beer is a drug of violence.
Pot is, like, totally a drug of peace, man! Like, whoa!

Thanks to all those years of cooking their brain with Mary Jane, Cheech & Chong couldn't even conceive of hurting a fly. Like all heavy beer drinkers, violence is second nature to Bob & Doug. Sure, they seem like lovable doofuses on their show "The Great White North," but I have it on good authority that off-camera they're stomping puppies and knifing old ladies for their pension money.

Bob & Doug in five seconds.

- Don "King" Milliken

Marijuana is detectable in the body longer than 36 hours. C + C will therefore have lingering effects.

The Mackenzies will be sober by this point. As seen in the Simpsons when Barney and Homer were training to be astronauts: a drunk without his booze will become a genius.

The only result is that the Mackenzies wil kick major butt by outsmarting the stoners, then promptly forget their troubles and skills at the local bar.

- thebaumbomb

This will be a very one sided fight, as Cheech and Chong have just about everything over Bob and Doug:

Likeability: I actually had the pleasure of meeting Rick Moranis and Cheech Marin in my life, and I must say, Cheech is a hell of a nice guy, and... pardon my french, Rick is a huge dickweed.
Advantage: Cheech and Chong.

Movies, TV, and CD Factor: I have seen every Cheech and Chong movie (yes, even the Corsican Brothers) at least 10 times. I saw Bob and Doug's *snicker* movie... and I must say, it is as unfunny as Carrot Top on those Call ATT commercials of his... while Doug and Bob were slightly amusing on the TV show they were on... they never had a billion funny CD's like Cheech and Chong had...
Advantage: Cheech and Chong.

Allies: Bob and Doug have lots of Canadian people to back them up, that's true...but Cheech and Chong have one man that will make all of those Canucks pee their pants... that man is... Seargant Stadenko! This man takes guff from noone... the only reason Cheech and Chong outsmarted him was becuase he was taken by surprise by them in "Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke"

So the fight will go something like this:

*Cheech and Chong and Bob and Doug see each other and circle each other, all the while this dialouge goes on:*
Doug: Hey ya hoosiers... we're totally going to whup your arse's eh?
Bob: dat's right dere... we're going to make you cry to your mothers eh?
Cheech: Hey man... you guys talk funny... *smokes extremly big joint*
Chong: Far out... are you guys from India or something... *also smokes big joint*
Bob: We're from Canada ya pot smoking grease balled Mexicanos!
Cheech: Hey man... lighten up... here... try this...
*Cheech and Chong hand Bob and Doug the joints, and right on cue Sgt. Stadenko walks by*
Sgt.Stadenko: ... Are those joints in your hands son?
Bob and Doug: Yah...
Sgt.Stadenko: I'll take that as a confession you wool capped funny talking canucks
*Stadenko and his boys proceed to go Rodney King on The Mackenzie's as Cheech and Chong look on in awe*
Cheech: Oh man... he stuck that billy club in his eye man!
Chong: wow...
Cheech: Let's get wasted man...
Chong: ok...

- Dane "The New Prodigy"

Most people forget that Canadians rival Israelis and Mongolians among the world's fiercest humans. Canadians grow up playing ice hockey and lacrosse, sports where beating up the other guy is more important than scoring points. Canada defeated the mighty United States in two different wars. Canada is the land where people live side-by-side with polar bears and moose, possibly the two most vicious land animals in the world.

Ice hockey itself has conquered the United States, such that Americans in even the warmest, sunniest, most ice-free parts of Texas, Florida and, yes, Southern California, spend vast sums of money to build ice rinks and thereby demonstrate their fealty to Canadian physical prowess.

What do Cheech & Chong have to fall back on? Well, their Mexican ancestors did fight the United States once. But not only did Mexico lose that war, the United States took the unprecedented step of giving Mexico back after conquering it. That's humiliation. Sure, Cheech & Chong can probably play soccer, but I dare anyone to bet money on two soccer players facing a death match against two hockey players.

Cheech & Chong might have the edge in laughs, and even in basic desire to get wasted, but this fight will go to the strong, not the pure of spirit. The McKenzie brothers once cranked a lion's tail to get it to roar so they could get on with the drinking. Have Cheech & Chong ever assaulted man-eating predators? Of course not. The life of an East L.A. pothead is a soft life, an existence of warm, sunny days filled with bliss and munchies, with Hostess(tm) snacks and pupusas never more than a two-minute walk away.

For the Canuck drunk, however, life breeds toughness and determination. Cheech & Chong are doomed. They'll enter the ring, smell the hot sauce slathered on their Canadian foes and break out the chips. Bob and Doug, however, will smell the steak sauce and break out the knives. The audio track will run something like this:

"Whoah, man, cheeeel out."
[Sounds of punching, kicking, body- and cross-checking]
"Can't you hosers put up more of a fight, eh? You're not making this very fun, ya know. I feel like Gretzky at a girl's Pee-Wee tournament."
[More sounds of violence, followed by whimpers of pain]
"Ay! No mas ... no mas ..."
"Aboot time. So do we get the brews now or what, eh?"

- Darth Dustry

The last place I saw Tommy Chong's picture was on a print ad for something called "Urine Luck", a urine de-toxifyer crucial for taking before drug tests. The ad was posted in a store in downtown Baltimore called Karmic Connections, purveyors of "fine tobacco and smoking related accessories" (yeah, that's the ticket).

On the plus side, this store is still one of the only places here in Maryland where I can find anything resembling clove cigarettes (a crucial possession for any Self-Respecting Goth (TM) like yours truly)

On the negative side, the owner keeps a pet cockatoo in a cage in the back of the store that NEVER, EVER SHUTS UP.

Ergo, thanks to this ear-bleedingly shrill reminder, Cheech and Chong must die.

- RoboGoober98

Tell me, is that $500 American, Canadian, or Minetoban?

- Affy

Cheech and Chong in a walk. Bob and Doug are, obviously, Canadian, and them being clean and sober won't really change their disposition anyway. That, and B & D are covered in TACO sauce. TACO SAUCE, HB!. I mean, where do stoners always, ALWAYS end up when they've got the munchies? TACO FREAKING BELL!

Cheech and Chong, smelling the refuge of the wasted, will be all over B & D like Starr Jones on a twinkie.

(By the way, I was half tempted to add the obvious HAL versus Cheech and Chong reference, but I passed. You can thank me later.)

- Johnny Ginter

wait a second... is this the smae taco and steak saunce used for the Rottwieler/chuihuahua fight, all those years ago. because it must have gone bad long ago. in fact, it's probably pretty toxic by now. Cheech and Chong, the more experienced duo when it comes to enduring dangerous chemical reactions, will probably be able to withstand the lethal effects for a while. Longer than the McKenzie brothers, whose damaged livers collapse under the strain from this death sauce you've concocted, mere minutes before their opponents' hallucinogen- resistant brains finally succumb. chhech and chong by default, and the real winner here is the first guy to grab Cheech's stash.

- kramertim

When are you guys going to do the *definitive* US vs. Canada match up - Red Green vs. Tim Taylor? This has been suggested to you folks a few times. As they would say at Nike, "Just do it!"

But, we have to deal with the current match at hand. There are several ways of looking at it:

Fighting ability - Both teams have had their brains and reaction times addled by addiction, marijuana for Cheech & Chong - beer for the McKenzies. While it may seem that C&C have an edge due to the East LA background of Cheech, the heavy coats the McKenzies wear will act as padding, cancelling out that advantage. As a result of all this, their fighting skills work out to about equal with on advantage to either side.

Comedic pedigree - Now, here is where a major difference can be spotted in the two teams. Team C&C started out as two guys doing pot jokes in little clubs in Vancouver. They were never part of any well- known comedy group. Heck, the best they ever managed was working with Stacy Keach (who was dumb enough to think you can slip cocaine past British airport security) and Don Johnson, a guy who falls off the wagon so many times he has to wear special padding.

The McKenzies started out as characters on the classic "SCTV" program by the legendary Second City comedy troupe. A look through the list of people who were in Second City is like reading a comedy hall of fame. This alone gives them a major edge over Team C&C. But wait, there's more. Dave Thomas appeared on the "Red Green" show. So, by powers of association, the McKenzies have connections with Canada's current greatest contribution to the world. Continuing along this line, the "Red Green" show has connections with "Due South", which has a vast Internet cult and connections to Grudge Match winner Leslie Nielsen. No way Team C&C can touch that.

Finally, the McKenzies have a surprise up their sleeves - the programmed hockey players from "Strange Brew". All Bob and Doug would have to do is make that strange call of theirs and the hockey players will beat the THC-laced stuffings out of Team C&C. The McKenzies will then win the money but it will all be spent in minutes on beer.

- The Demented Astronomer

The MacKenzies were described as being "pissed" at the start of the fight, which means "drunk" in English. So what else have they to fight for?

So Cheech and Chong win the Semantic Title (TM). Their newfound knowledge helps them realise that taco sauce will never be worth fighting for, and they wander into a Youth Center [sic] where a mohawked gentleman gives them some whole, nourishing milk.

- The Nestbeschmutzer, who learned his phrasal verbs as a child and was spared from the taco scourge.

Wow. This one is a hard one. There are so many factors that come into play, from the "From Dusk 'Til Dawn" factor for Cheech, to the "Strange Brew Bladder of Holding" on the Mackenzies side. It's awfully hard to say just what's going to tip the scales in favor of either of these chemically-induced duos.

It all had to come down to the music, in the end. Henry Rollins performed a cover of "Earache My Eye", and as far as I know "The Twelve Beers of Christmas" has yet to be covered by scary punkers with Mad Poetry Skillz(tm). Rollins is just so much of a badass, that any guys who can make him sing the lyrics:
"My father he disowned me 'cause I wear my sisters clothes,"
"He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose!"
... are most certainly going to get the backing of the scariest spoken word performer on the planet.

Just listen to Rollins speak. You will understand.

- Datsun Wanderer

12 Weeks Ago, Grudgematch Headquarters

**Empty bottles of cheap beer are strewn across the floor EVERYWHERE, mingling indiscriminately with Grudgematch staff and boardmemebers, who, living as they do in the middle of nowhere, are absolutely plastered**

STEVE (from somewhere behind a stack of empty cases of Ice House): Guysh... goys... g... c'mon. We gotta... Grudgematch.

Five hours latter, an almost illegibly scrawled memo makes it's way to the one Grudgematch employee who missed the party (Melvin from accounting). Although it's hard to make out the writing through the Surgeon General's warning (all the actual paper in the boardroom had long since been 'lost' at the party), the list appears to read:


Star Trek vs Star Wars (No Death Star)
Mr. T. vs Some Bald Guy (Not Clean Again)
Sitcom vs Teen Soap
America vs Canada
Star Wars vs France

Just so we all know what's comming. Or, hell, why not Mr. T. and Star Wars vs France and Star Trek? God vs 90210? The Death Star vs Canada? The Universe vs Jesse Ventura? I know that its hard to come up with new ideas, especially when you're frequently under the influence of tasty malt beverages, but what's going on here? There are entire fictional worlds full of insane movie characters, disturbed pop icons and cartoon characters to make fun of in the fine tradition of the WWWF. Granted, I've had a couple too many to think of a good match up right now, but that's why... wait, what's going on? I love you guys.

- Captian Obviously Intoxicated

C'mon, man! This is Rick Moranis we're talking about! Do you think some skeevy stoners can possibly hope to beat someone who has in his arsenal:

1) A proton pack
2) A shrink ray
3) A growth ray
4) A man-eating venus flytrap
and 5) The Schwartz(TM)?!

Let's be serious. This guy is a contender. He kept "The Flintstones" from being totally unwatchable, and he even has a ride at Disney World! Sorry, but Cheech and Chong have nothing on my man Rick Moranis.

- Mike Brzeski (the 'z' is silent)

Looking at the two teams, neither looks terribly tough, but, more importantly, neither looks terribly funny either.

Cheech and Chong, however, look like they might have been funny back in the seventies...if you were high at the time. I guess.

The two Canadians don't look any funnier to me, now, sober, and frankly I don't think they'd look any funnier in whatever decade they existed if I were drunk. I think, rather, that if I were drunk, they would just piss me off.

I conclude, therefore, based on this scientific analysis, that the stoners will be on Cheech and Chong's side, and the drunks will be against the Canadians.

This is my essay on Mexi-merican pot-heads versus Canadian alcoholics, Billy Schneider, age 5 (I like crayons!).

- hereinafter devised, and in the advertising, publicity and promotion thereof

Well, at first, I was considering the various fighting skills of each combatant, the strengths of their addictions, and exactly what kind of backup they will bring. But this being The Grudge, I figured that none of that matters at all.

What does matter? Steak sauce and taco sauce.

Why did we see fit to cover our combatants in sauce? I don't know, but we all know what happens when you get people covered in these sauces... you attract a Rottweiler and an accompanying Rottie's weight of Chihuahuas.

Well, with canine fury, the Mexican Yipping Rats will go after the Canucks, and the Black Teutonic Mass will attack the stoners. While undoubtedly, both sides will fall (and thus should be All Killed and Mutilated), it is simple fact that the Rottweiler will just overwhelm Cheech and Chong, while the Mackenzies are slowly worn down by Chihuahuas.

Thus, the Mackenzie boys win, but sadly die of massive Chihuahua bites. But at least they will probably feel no pain, as they quickly spend their money and spend their last moments blind drunk.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

Pre-Robert Rodriguez, the MacKenzie Brothers had this one in the bag. Alcoholics, even easygoing Canadian alcoholics, will usually win out against potheads, even Angelino potheads.

Post-Robert Rodriguez, Cheech Marin can call upon the Spy Kids and a gang of Mexican vampires for backup, although I kinda doubt he'd do both at the same time (would you want to explain to Antonio Banderas how you managed to get his preteen children vampirized?). Either of them are a force to be reckoned with, especially when you consider that Uncle Machete spent a few years bouncing for the vampires. Vampires with Super Secret Spy Technology are just what C&C need to win this fight.

Even should zoning codes prohibit the use of vampire spies, Tommy Chong could simply bring in his daughter, Rae Dawn, whose mightily lame filmography will destroy the careers of anyone who's caught in the same room. People will trample the MacKenzies to get away from the younger Chong.

In short, in a no-holds-barred deathmatch, the stoners have the edge.

- Thomas Wilde

They'll all be dead before the bell rings. Unbeknowest to this woebegotten stoner/wino quad, a rottweiler vs. rottweiler's wieght in chihuahuas are battling in the adjacent illegal bloodsport warehouse. The chihuahuas, scenting the succulent taco sauce, descend upon Bob and Doug, shredding them into their base anatomical components before devouring them in a manner most ferocious. The Rottweiler, infuriated by the escape of his prey, pursues the swarm into the ring, pauses momentarily to devour Cheech and his companion Chong, then eats the Chihuahuas (again.) Seconds later, a stray beam of sunlight hits a rather unfortunate Frenchman directly in the eyes, frying his optic nerve instantly. Blinded, the man drops his briefcase, which just happened to contain 25 pounds of rare atomic isotopes, inflicting terminal cancer on all present. The canines in .5 seconds.

- Chairman of Naopwhloopcott

Drunks vs. stoners? No contest. Drunks are naturally more violent, AND they have a built in self defense mechanism. Don't believe me? I will now refer to the little known sport of druggie spinning. Druggie spinning usually occurs at punk shows, but any public event where drugs are available will suffice. This involves a group of sober individuals sneaking up on an intoxicated individual and spinning them until they are no longer sure where their legs are. Then, one of the spinners yells, "Shit, man, it's the cops!" and all of them flee. The spinnee will attempt to follow. Some that hold their intoxicant well may manage a few steps, but inevitably, the spinnee must and will collapse in a large heap, often giggling happily. Spinning stoners is easy. They protest less, and you can twirl them a lot because there's really no reason to stop. Drunks are trickier. Most of them come out swinging, and if they've been spun too much, they puke all over you. It's happened. Drunks, therefore, are far less vulnerable than stoners, and will win any fight. Doug and Bob, you may drink at will.

- The Jester

And it's just got to make you wonder what the hell they're going to serve at concessions....

- Peter Tutham

I've been so drunk that I once sang "I want it that way" by the backstreet boys at a kareoke party. I've been so high that I ate two large pizzas in 20 minutes. So, in deciding the victor, I think it comes down to this...

Hell hath no fury like a stoner with the munchies.

Our boys from below the border win before you can say "puff, puff, give"

- NoLimitJay

So i was sitting here, not really concentrating cause i'm at that part in Road Trip where Amy Smart gets naked...then i snapped out of it and really tried to analyze the match.

Basically, I thought to myself, "Self, what would these characters be like if they were clean and sober?" It didn't take me very long to remember that Cheech is very clean and sober, and he's a COP. I guarantee that being as pissed off as he is, he'll blow the Mackenzie brothers away without even thinking twice.

- Scotty J.

Well, let's observe how the two catagories behave when provoked under maximum inebriation"stonedness" :

Drunks (slurred): *belch* "You shunova-" (lurches forward, swaying, gets out a forceless and inadequate punch, missing by no less than five feet, and plunges to the floor with a mighty thump)

Stoners: (Fifteen minutes of blank stare)".........guh?"

So, we see, drunks are more prone to senseless acts of ineffectual violence (Anyone for soccer riots?) while the most fearsome thing the potheads have unleashed on the world is the WWF. On second thought, that is kind of scary.

- Tracer

I have to agree with Hotbranch! on this one- the McKenzie Brothers have the power of summoning on their side. But it matters not. The match is already won to Cheech and Chong. How, you ask?

There is one factor that both commentators forgot- the Munchies. Granted, this is set back by the fact that they've been clean and sober for a day and a half, but hopefully some residual munchies will carry them through. I'd like to think that they haven't eaten in the past 36 hours but, at any rate, they're HUNGRY! Bob and Doug, on the other hand, have a disadvantage because, in addition to being plumper and better eating, beer has the opposite effect. While THC leaves you hungry, beer, being liquid bread, leaves you full with a couple hundred extra calories. Again, this is set back by the 36 hours of sobreity, but the residual beer should pull them through.

So, while Doug and Bob are somewhat full and content, Cheech and Chong are in a ravenous frenzy. Coupled with the fact that the McKenzies are covered in Taco Sauce, their utter destruction and consumption is inevitable. Five minutes, tops.

- The Blue ONe

We at the Mentos(tm) Jihad (there probably is a jihad) have noticed one pair has names that reach Mentos(tm) Level Coolness. Cheech & Chong is an amazingly awesomely cool set of names, which also gets bonus points for being easy to remember. Meanwhile, Bill and Dave (Brad and Don?) McSomething have horribly bland names that are easily confused with every other blando in the world. Name recognition is what gets you votes, and cool names is what gets you this jihad securing a Grudge Match for you.

- The Mentos(tm) Jihad Spokesperson

Cheech and Chong should win because a friend of mine used to date Chong. That's my only connection to fame and hopefully with their victorious victory to Grudge Match!

- ForeverWes

Cheech by himself could have this one in the (dime) bag. He's spent the last 50 years having his last name mispronounced by pinche Anglos.

Now he's burned. And sober. In Canada. Where there isn't a Del Taco for 500 miles. (Del Taco: "Where you can get dinner for some pennies you found in an ashtray!"™ )

No number of flannel shirts will protect Bob and Doug. It's time for whitey to pay for not knowing a long I when he sees one.

- Del Scorcho

At first, these two look to stack up pretty even, but there are several major factors here that will have the MacKenzie Bros. turning Cheech and Chong into Canadian Bacon (tm).

First is the simple fact that drunks will beat the ever livin' snot out of a pothead any day of the week. Sober drunks are much, much worse. While the two smokers are looking for a bag of cheetos, Bob and Doug will don their beer hats of battle and go to town. Ever notice that beer hats look a lot like those horned helmets warn by the Vikings? That's no coincidence.

Yes, we all know the stigma of Canadian contestants, but by now you have to consider the Rage (tm) factor of all Canadians. It must be boiling over by now. And speaking of Rage, the MaCKenzie brothers have a major surprise ally in the roughest, toughest beer-swilling Canadian ever: Wolverine! The venue guarantees he'll be there. Let's see it's an illegal fight, in Canada over beer money. If you have seen X-Men: The Movie, you know wolvie will be there and he is not about to let some doped up illegal immigrants beat two hard-working canucks out of their beer money.

Cheech and Chong may be from East L.A., but they are not there now. Gang members are only effective on their own turf...and they are about as far from East L.A. as they can get without being launched into space.

Who have they got for backup from L.A.? The survivors of the Storm Troopers Vs. Red Shirts battle!! Oh, and Don Johnson...who was not even that tough in the 80s doing Miami Vice and is pretty pathetic now. He is easily countered by a hastily summoned William Shatner AKA Capt. Kirk, AKA T.J. Hooker. He'll double axe-handle and neck chop Don Johnson into submission before throwing him into a swimming pool (TM), while Wolvie does a slice and dice on the remaining red shirts and storm troopers (most of whom will shoot themselves) and Bob and Doug will take their broken empty beer bottles and give Cheech and Chong an early Day of the Dead celebration.......

- Dark Lord of D.C.

Like our distinguished PanelTM, Cheech, Chong, Bob and Doug have been abusing intoxicants heavily for decades. We're talking one brain cell, no waiting. Add the stress of 36 hours of withdrawal symptoms and these guys won't even be able to understand the ground rules of the match! With only The RAGETM to guide them, each unreasoning member of the quartet will fall on the nearest available victim--his partner. Simple physics after that: The bigger guys win. Thirty seconds after the opening bell Cheech and Bob are lifeless bags of meat; Chong and Doug are trying to figure out what to do with the pieces of larynx they bit off.

The UUF fight organizers give Doug and Chong each $250 because they're afraid they'll be next on the menu. Once they come back to their senses, the boys realize that they are without partners and have similar interests and shared trauma, so they team up. Unfortunately it doesn' last: They split up after Doug drinks the urine sample Chong was keeping in the fridge for his next probation appointment. He mistook it for American beer.

- Mr. Silverback- Sober and showering daily since 12/25/93

When Canada invades the US, they'll make us laugh our asses off, eh? Hmmm, I think Hotbranch! just solved the problem of obesity in America...

- Catie, Bastard Daughter of the Knights Who Say "NI!"

Oh, a fatass joke. I get it! The Grudge guys think I'm slow because I come from Ca-Nada, eh? -- HB!

I wasnt sure of who to vote on,and was too lazy to anyways, so instead of looking at the respective histories I examined their names. Cheech makes me think of Chic Peach or Cheese peach (hmmmm... cheese peach), Chong makes me think of cheer thong which places a disturbing image in my mind.The Makenzie bros. makes me think of the Menendez bros.So basically we have, at least in my mind, a cheese peach, a cheer thong, and the Menendez brothers. The Menendez brothers in a landslide. And I get the cheese peach!

- Lazy Larry (Oh wait it a minute its the Mackenzies right?? Oh well... where'd my cheese peach go?)

I'd like to vote for Cheech and Chong, but they wouldn't win for one reason that they've admitted themselves... THEY'RE STILL SMOKING... C'mon, they have to be! What made Cheech decide to become the modern-day "noble savage" Chingachgook in Nash Bridges (aka the "Leatherstocking Tales for the new Millennium." Don't know what the Leatherstocking Tales are... I suggest you read a damn book my friend). And Chong, well turn on the 70's show some time to witness the disgrace of his public anal probing... They have to be smoking something, no one in their right minds would do that to themselves...

Rick Morranis has at least done a few movies, the other McKenzie brother was on Grace under Fire, right? Albeit, these may seem like decisions made by someone suffering withdrawal, but they ain't knockin' 'em back like they used to... It's been at least 30 years...if Cheech and Chong are STILL smoking only two things can happen:

(1) the bell rings, and out of excitement, Chong makes the mistake of taken too deep a breath, and has the smokers cough to end all smokers coughs. He painfully hacks up a loogy that contains 110 percent of his bodily fluid. Causing his eyes to roll to the back of his head and his smoke-pale body to fall backwards to the floor, dead. Unfortunately his corpse evaporates into a fine, dry mist, before it even touches ground.

Or (2) So overcome with guilt that their smoking weed is somehow funding the next terrorist attacks on the U.S., Cheech and Chong kill themselves. (It was on television, so it must be true!)

Besides, have you ever seen an angry drunk, the two words almost naturally go together...have you ever seen an angry pot head...not so easy, huh? A pot head on a bad day is only angry enough to grab his crotch at you, and perhaps comment on the fatness of yo' momma...maybe. But one bout of DRUNKEN IGNORANT RAGE(tm)!!!! and the McKenzie Brothers are sticking their foots so far UP Cheech and Chong's ash-blackened a$$es, they are able to kick the blunts out of their mouths..... FROM THE BACK!!! to quote a wise man, "Here's to beer: the cause of and solution to...

- Richard Corey

I'm british and i agree our FOOTBALL (not soccer) hooligans are mighty but there's no way they'll help two stupid no name canadians. Cheech and Chong are legends and the only two people worthy of facing them in a grudgematch are Jay and Silent Bob (commanders of the clit!). C&C will be satisfying their cravings for the munchies using the hosers corpses in aboot a few seconds as soon as the match starts.

- Kzero

In times of trouble, when I'm stuck between two equally good (or bad) choices like this, I like to fall back on the words of the great ones. Like Bill Hicks. "You're at a ballgame, you're at a concert, and someone's really violent, agressive, and obnoxious. Are they drunk or are they smoking pot? (crowd answers DRUNK!) The one and only correct answer. Tell them what they've won Johnny! I have never seen people on pot get in a fight because it's fucking impossible. Stoner 1- Hey buddy! Stoner 2- Hey what? ::long pause:: End of argument." So, after consulting the sacred text, the hosers open up a can of brewski-flavored Whupass(TM) on the stoners.

- Bi Polar Bear (saving the world. if only he could get out of bed in the morning.)

Ok, being both Canadian and a Stoner i should be able to effectively pick out the winners. ummm, what was i sayin again? o yea eh, it gets cold without my toque.....damn im hungry.. where are those damn penguins with my beer... O yea the match, well Theres a greater chance of seeing a paper dog chasing an asbestos cat through hell then there is of seein the Canucks win, no offense theyre great, but no contest for Cheech and Chong. Wheres my Bong, o yea... its in my hand...

- He who has the munchies for a bit fat POUTINE

I was going to mention the Bob Mackenzie > Rick Moranis > Dark Helmet > Ludicrous Speed scenario, but I realized that this boils down to Bud vs. Beer. There is no contest. Everybody knows that Canada produces the best beer in the western hemisphere and most of Europe (by virtue of being part of the British Commonwealth). The reason Canadian beer is better than American beer is that we make sure the '5' comes before the point. On the other side is the 'Bud' scenario. British Columbia is notorious for "BC Bud," which is the undisputed champion when it comes to soft drugs. In fact, it's a multibillion-dollar underground industry. Bob and Doug drink Cheech and Chong under the table in 5.0 minutes.

- D-kun, proud teetotaller, but a prouder Canadian

A van made of weed (Still Smokin') vs Evil guys wearing hockey masks (Strange Brew). Sounds like a cheap porno.

- beware of the pimpin' chickens

A man is kept by the company he keeps. Let's do a quick analysis:

Cheech -
Pluses: Quentin Tarantino
Harvey Keitel (who managed to be badass even as a preacher)
A bar full of bloodthirsty vampiric strippers, led by Selma Hayek (who even made that piece of shit Desperado watchable)
Negatives: Don Johnson

Chong -
Positives: Laura Pepron (Donna from That 70s Show)
Kurtwood Smith (Red from same show, who before becoming just another suburban dad was the arch-criminal badass in Robocop)
Negatives: The entire cast of Dharma and Greg

Marijuana: Biggest supporter is Woody Harrelson. This is a stems from killer stock, as well as having gone on a mass murder spree in Natural Born Killers. Most impressive however, was when he actually slept with Courtney Love in People v. Larry Flynt. I mean the guy's out of control. What won't he do?


Rick Moranis a/k/a Bob McKenzie -
Positives: The Ghostbusters (except for Dan Akroyd, who can never be forgiven for The Couch Trip)
Steve Martin
Max von Sydow
Negatives: Dan Akroyd
Tom Arnold
Has the albatross of the "Honey, I Shrank _______" franchise hanging around his neck.
Is Canadian

Dave Thomas a/k/a Doug McKenzie -
Positives: None to speak of.
Negatives: Brett Butler
Is Canadian
Brett Butler

Beer: Biggest proponent is Ted Kennedy.

Nuff said. Winner by a landslide: Cheech and Chong

- Professor Chaos


This is the kind of thing that happens when you sign free-trade agreements.

- They Call Me Marsh

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Bill & Ted v. Wayne & Garth
Joe Camel v. Spuds MacKenzie
U.S.A. v. Canada

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Next Match: 7
ETA: Monday, July 15th, 2002

© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC