World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

Having dispatched of a pompous and inquisitive British gentleman, Ernie and the rest of the Keebler elves return to work on the latest batch of E.L. Fudgie Stripe Rainbow Chip Wafers™. Fast Eddie wraps up packages, while Buckets flings fudge in every direction.

A faint rumble can be heard off in the distance.

The Professor, contemplating the thermodynamics of compressed fudge flow, gazes out the window while sipping hot cocoa.

The rumble grows louder

The Professor drops his jaw, and then his mug, shattering it into a hundred pieces on the floor. "Attack! We're under attack!"

The rumble explodes:

The Cookie Monster, having just been kicked out of a Cookies Anonymous meeting at Pepperidge Farm for smuggling in a case of Malomars, has happened by, and gotten a whiff of that sweet Keebler aroma. Unable to control his urges, he rushes the tree in a desperate and crazed attempt to gobble up the cookie treasures within.

"Battle stations!" yells Ernie. "Man your positions! This is not a drill! Repeat! This is not a drill!"

So, Steve, can The Cookie Monster munch many morsels, or will the Keebler Elves repel this ravenous raider?

Keebler Elves, Keebler Hollow Tree
Keebler Elves


Cookie Monster
Cookie Monster, Sesame Street

The Commentary

STEVE: I haven't seen a match this one-sided in quite a while. The Keebler Elves are so out-gunned that this match will be over in seconds.

First, let's look at sizes. These elves are tiny -- mere ounces each! The Cookie Monster will swat them aside with ease. And don't confuse this match with the Rottweiler vs. Chihuahuas match. These elves aren't mean like the Chihuahuas -- they're wimpy, puny, defenseless elves. When The Cookie Monster gets a whiff of the aroma of chocolate chips, his eyes will glaze over and nothing, especially little cartoon elves, will stand in the way of his insatiable cookie appetite.

Next, If you look at their bios [dead link], they list things such as "woodpeckers" and "beetles" as their "greatest fear". If those are their biggest problems, then they are in for a world of hurt when the Cookie Monster shows up. Most of them will probably abandon their hollow tree at once and go fleeing in terror for the safety of their Club (R) or Town House (R) back in the city.

Brian, keeping The Cookie Monster away from the goodies inside the tree would be like keeping Darryl Strawberry away from cocaine. It just can't be done.

BRIAN: I don't care how badly the Cookie Monster needs his Cookie Crack™ fix, there's no way he's winning this one.

The Keebler Tree House is a fortified position. If you've seen Zulu, you'll know that forts can hold their position even when outnumbered 50-to-1. From the scenario, it's clear that the elves are prepared for such an attack. Assuming CM can get past the projectile weapons, he's a gonner once they let loose with the cauldrons of molten fudge.

And it's not just any kind of fort... it's a tree fort, which makes it essentially unbeatable. Any child under 12 will tell you that the only weapon affective against a tree fort is a mother yelling "dinner time". Unless the Cookie Monster is keeping some very big secrets, he can't fit that profile. Even worse for CM, the size differential works against him: it's a tree fort built for elves. He won't fit through that tiny window, and even if he does fight was way past that door, he can't get up the tiny spiral staircase to the next level. He'll get wedged somewhere and end up a sitting duck.

There's no way the Cookie Monster can overcome all of this on his own, addictive urges or not. And be assured that he will be totally on his own. If his Sesame Street friends happen to show up (which is possible since they will likely get a worried call from his sponsor, the Cookie Crisp robber), the last thing they will do is help him feed his habit. "Hi, Cookie Monster," says Big Bird. "Today's episode is brought to you by the letter 'I', as in 'Intervention'. Can you say 'intervention'?" The gracious winners that they are, the elves are nice enough to whip up a batch of methadone crackers for his trip to the clinic.

STEVE: Zulu? Sure, I've seen that. But I've also seen Godzilla, Jaws, King Kong, and a host of other movies where your tree fort analogy just doesn't hold. In the words of a Godzilla trailer (or was it Madonna?), "Size is Everything." Besides, I've seen your "fortified" treehouse position. Let's see -- a big gaping opening at ground level, another one about 2 feet up from that, and then a third, and a fourth. In fact, I'd say there's more treehouse opening than there is tree. These so-called "defenses" have more holes than a swiss cheese factory.

To see how assured Cookie Monster's victory is, let's take a look at what they might do to stop him. You suggest molten fudge. He'll just laugh and swallow that. (Well, we all know CM never actually swallows his cookies -- he just mouths it and turns it into cookie crumbs.) You also mention projectile weapons. What could they throw/fire at him? Cookies? That will just entice CM further. I suppose they could also throw chips, nuts, raisins, or even Fast Eddie or Flo. But since all of these are part of the cookie environment, it's all just a snack for the Cookie Monster. I honestly fail to see what possible kind of defense the elves could find to thwart The Cookie Monster from s(n)acking the Keebler Tree.

Finally, the killing blow is that The Cookie Monster brings with him the awesome might of legal annoyance on par with Microsoft, Disney, and McDonalds (tm, tm, tm respectively). Behold! Yes, even if the elves somehow prevent The Cookie Monster from his cookie frenzy, his lawyers will be close behind, and they will sue the elves. In the end the Cookie Monster wins anyway.

How do I predict the outcome of this match? C. C is for cookie. That's good enough for me.

BRIAN: "Godzilla, Jaws, King Kong"? That sounds like a set-up line from an old Carnac the Magnificent sketch. "Name three overrated monsters that got their butts kicked." Putting the Cookie Monster in with that group only hurts his case. And at least those three were legitimate monsters. As you correctly point out, CM can't actually eat anything. No teeth, no esophagus, no digestive tract to speak of. Is he just going to gum the elves to death? Does he even have gums?. Those movie monsters you mention all had teeth and still got wasted.

It is also interesting how you're attempting to warp dimensions to suit your purposes. First you say that CM is incredibly large compared to elves, but then the tree house windows (which are made for elves) are "gaping holes". Which is it? Speaking of King Kong, this dynamic reminds me a lot of him. Sure, King Kong could climb the Empire State Building and stick his hands inside and grab women, but he could never do anything to the building itself, and could never get everybody that's inside. Similarly, CM may be able to reach inside and grab a cookie or an elf, but he can't get inside like he needs to to take over the place. After a few frustrating minutes, CM grabs Ma Keebler and heads to the high branches, where he gets shot down by biplanes flown by Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Your other points are laughable. Keebler has plenty of their own lawyers to tackle those Sesame Street bullies. And if you're looking for something for the elves to throw at CM, how 'bout some good ol' Elfin Magic™? Or even worse, some multigrain crackers. That'd stop him in his tracks for sure.

If the battle was in an open field, CM might have a chance, but the odds are stacked against him. The Elves are just too Uncommonly Good™.

Thanks to Sarah Westcott (with an assist from Martin "martinl" Leuschen) for suggesting this match.

The Results

Cookie Monster, Sesame Street

The Cookie Monster (2630 - 68.6%)


Keebler Elves, Keebler Hollow Tree

The Keebler Elves (1202 - 31.4%)

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Voter Comments


The match of Cookie Monster vs. the Keebler Elves wouldn't be a one- minute brawl like so many - it'd be a war. Obviously the first battle would go to the Cookie Monster - he'd be so crazed by his cookie Jones that he'd rip away the sides of the Elves' hollow tree to get to their cookie stores. Once inside the cookie factory he'd crush any elf foolish enough to get in his way, and if any tried to defend the cookies he'd grab them by the fistful and throw them over his shoulder - anything to get to THE COOKIES!!! It'd be Grendel feasting on the Danes, a scene of slaughter and devastation. But once he'd got to the cookie stores, he'd forget about the elves and eat until he can eat no more, and crumble cookies over his head and wallow in crumbs until he passed out. The surviving elves would be able to regroup outside their decimated tree, and start to form a plan...

You see, the Elves may be slightly more physically formidable than ants, but they have one huge advantage over the Monster. Look at the Cookie Monster: he is a simple creature. He doesn't just have a cookie-track mind, he's so dim he is incapable of complex thoughts like "Perhaps I should not destroy the machinery that makes the cookies." And then look at the Elves' mental capacity. They have a model factory with an assembly line, Elf-made machinery, a "Professor", clipboards, a managerial hierarchy, a lucrative manufacturing contract with the Keebler corporation, etc. These guys can plan and organize - and didn't get where they are today without knowing how to crush their opposition. So, once they get a chance to regroup and start to plan, it won't be pretty. They won't just be fighting for their home - they'll be fighting to avenge the dead, to get back at the Monster that destroyed a whole quarter's profits, and maintain financial dominance of the Enchanted Forest. They'll stop at nothing. They'll wait until the Cookie Monster has passed out, and quickly and quietly sneak back into the Hollow Tree factory. While the best Elf- mechanics repair the conveyer belt, the rest of the elves swarm over the satiated Cookie Monster with ropes and apron strings - rendering him bound and helpless in seconds. They drop pulleys from the rafters, and from then on it's a simple job to drag him onto the conveyer belt that leads to the oven...

The horrible smell of burning polyester fur lingers over the Enchanted Forest for days, but the Elves have the victory, and it won't take them long to repair their little factory. And if the next batch of Keebler cookies has a nasty chemical aftertaste and contains an occasional bit of singed blue fur... they'll taste no worse than the average Keebler cookie.

- Ellery Lake

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

"Battle stations!" yells Ernie. That's right. The elves actually have battle stations, which mean they probably have some kind of weapons, be it clubs made from tree branches or little mini tazers. Hunger is no match for a mob of angry elven soldiers protecting their turf and income. Also, cookie monster is malnourished. He just chews up the cookies and spits out the remains. This may explain his inability to focus both his eyes on the same spot. The elves win. They are armed, organized, and have 20/20 vision.

- The Kleptomaniac

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Here's the thing: Unlike Kermit, who achieved success in syndication, Cookie Monster is a Muppet with no knowledge of the advertising world. He has led a sheltered, nay, tax-sheltered life in the friendly confines of public television, rolling his googly eyes (tm) and hosting pretentious middlebrow fare like Monsterpiece Theater. Cookie has gone his merry way, ever irrelevant and commercial-free - until now.

For if Cookie is in the Kingdom of Keebler (tm), that means he has been transported from the rarefied PBS atmosphere into the nasty, competitive world of commercial TV. Suddenly, everything he does will be judged on the basis of its ability to sell products and appeal to advertisers. (Real advertisers - letters and numbers won't cut it in this world.) And who has final judgement on what Cookie can or can't do? Why, the Elves, of course! They're the only potential advertisers in sight! "Trying to eat our cookies, hm? Listen here, C.M., we don't want viewers to think we let a grubby filthy monster get his hands on our products. Bad for our corporate image. Better lay off or we'll pull our advertising and leave you trapped in sponsorless limbo." Cookie Monster cannot attack his only source of advertising revenue without endangering his very existence.

As if that wasn't bad enough, Cookie also finds that in a world where people actually care about ratings, he can't get by with cutesy segments about counting chocolate chips. He soon strangles himself with the wires that hold his arms up, another PBS hothouse flower who couldn't survive in the Real TV World (tm).

- Captain Corcoran

Keebler "Elves" all the way. You may be wondering how a handful of pint-sized elves could stand against the raging, cookie-crazed horror that is Cookie Monster, but let me explain and you'll see the light. Let's take a look at CM: First, he's a muppet. Muppets aren't really very fearsome (possibley with the exception of the big crab-beetle thingies from The Dark Crystal). They also don't wield weapons. The best old Cookie Monster could come up with would be a giant styrafoam letter "C". While he could bash it against the Keebler Elves' Tree Fortress/Assault Base, it wouldn't inflict much damage. And finally, while large, CM is made entirely out of carpeting, stuffing, and a gelatinous blue substance (which is what's responsible for bringing muppets to life). He's a large, slowmoving, soft-skinned target for whatever diabolical snack-food based weaponry the Keebler Defense Force has at it's disposal.

Now, let's take a look at the elves: Elves are tough critters. Ever read Lord of the Rings? They're an ancient race of powerful fighters and warriors and their citadales and fortress were among the most powerful in the world. Sure the Keebler variety are small, but they still have access to Ancient Elven Majiks (tm), not to mention modern weaponry that the Keebler Empire is able to purchase due to its massive snack-food revenue. In addition to their modern weaponry enchanted by Ancient Elven Majiks (tm), the Keebler Elves' Tree Fortress/Assault Base is among the most heavily defended structures in the world. It looks all friendly and rustic from the outside, but on the inside it's a swarming hive of paramilitary activity. They have their magical cookie recipies to defend and the means to do it. Elf-sized fighters and tanks are stored beneath the Tree, while hundreds of trained Magical Elf Commando lie in wait in the foliage above and the surrounding country side, ready to pounce on whoever/whatever threatens their home.

I'm sorry, but the Cookie Monster is going to be reduced to a sticky blue pile of goo before he ever reaches the tree. At worst, some elves may get some mild carpet burns while dragging his bloated, rotting carcass off their front lawn so the tree looks good for the next commercial.

- Josh Rodriguez

High fantasy setting. Cookie monster draws on the noble figure of the questing knight. Like king arthur and his knights the monster is on a quest for the holy cookie and will not be swayed by mere physical concerns, for his is the kingdom of the lord when the most perfect of cookies is his. The cookie monster also draws upon the ancient lineage of the mighty bezerker warriors of nordic yore. His battle cry (COOOOKIE,COOOOKIE,COOOOKIE) gives him strength and renders him insensitive to all pain. This is important when going up against a highly magical race. Like Conan the barbarian he will crush all the weak willed magic users that dare oppose his sacred quest. The high quest will succeed.

Historical perspective. In the eternal conflict of civilised nations (the elves) vs near barbaric horde of invaders (The horde of one Monster). Past performances: China + great wall vs mongols = china conquered; Rome + hadrians wall vs primevel Scottish soccer hooligans = english soccer hooligans; England + the fortified town of York vs Midevil Scottish hooligans lead by Mel gibson = sacked york; France + maginot line vs Germans = Charles de gaulle. As history has shown a static fortress against an sufficiently determined opponent will fall. Both the laws of high fantasy and the trend of history support this conclusion. The blue-furred thing will crush his opponents and feast mightly.

- D.Merzel

A couple points- If the Keebler Elves are so Damn Good tasting, you actually think that the geriatric mini-me's were never attacked before by a giant gibberish speaking overrated puppet? (No, not George W. Bush, although he was quoted saying that the Keebler's cookies had the best 'Crunchamabilty' and 'Delishtyness' he had ever aten.) Come on! After over 75 years, they would have had to have come up with a failproof defense system that even Sean Connery in his many roles (Entrapment, The Rock, Saturday Night Fever) couldn't break.

Also, definite plus- MAGIC! It clearly states at the Keebler home page that since Doc joined there has not been one injury or illness! Therefore, using 'Doc's Magic Potion' (tm) (which smells curiously of vodka) they are immune to all forms of injury- clearly voiding all the Cookie Monster's attacks! In the end, they decide to bombard the Cookie Monster with 'Cosmic Brownies' (ahem.. they DID live through the 60's), which satisfy his drug addiction and puts him out of the fight... Meanwhile some of the other elves, full of Doc's potion, try to find that 'Babe', the talking pig/puppet, Miss Piggy... Geez- you never wondered why he was called Fast Eddie? (Note- The Keebler site also lists Casey Keebler as 'The Big Basher' and Elmer Keebler as 'Ready, willing, able'...)

Summary- CM 'half baked', Elves having fun with pigs, and Sean Connery boogie-ing the night away, humming 'How to Get to Sesame Street'...

- Peter Tutham

HA! I scoff at this battle. This battle has already been fought and won. Something you may not know is, that when I was about four, I lived and died by Sesame Street. It was my window to the world. I bought everything Sesame Street-related, and I was proud of it. I bought a series of storybooks too, and one of 'em was called "Cookie Monster and the Cookie Tree". <Cartman>Oh, I can see where this is going.</Cartman> In this story, there was a tree with a mouth and two eyes that (surprise!) bore the bright fruit of chocolate chip cookies. It was owned by a witch, who, in preparation for the arrival of the big CM, cast a spell on it. That spell was, in effect, no one may eat the cookies on the tree unless they shared them with someone else. This is, of course, a pretty big obstacle for Cookie Monster. He immediately goes to Sesame Street to find someone to share with. However, (un)surprisingly, the populace is not convinced that CM really wants to share.

Meanwhile, the witch finds that the spell works for everyone, so even she can't acquire the beloved cookies. As Cookie Monster returns to the tree to lament, the witch pops up and offers to share the cookies. CM accepts. He shares one cookie with her, then turns around and starts devouring the tree, right in front of the witch. Soon enough, the tree is still standing, but its branches have been stripped bare. Cookie Monster sits on the ground with an enormous stomach, looking quite pleased with his actions. A wonderful story to be sure - an allegory on how good it is to share. But, ha ha, there's an even bigger lesson to be learned: Cookie Monster + Cookie Tree = TOTAL DEVASTATION. Cookie Monster ate every single cookie on that tree, along with the leaves and quite possibly some of the bark. All this right in front of a witch. A witch, fool. One with real magic - the kind that can either smite you down or take away the ability to be selfish with the food on a tree. And CM wasn't afraid, AND he got out unscathed. Do you think that the Keebler Elves' cookie creation/transportation magic can possibly compare with that? Those rainbow-creating morons had best get out of the way or be devoured.

The real moral: If you have a cookie, and Cookie Monster is running at you at 60+ MPH, you'd best get the hell out of the way. Oh, and share with others, of course.

- "C" is for Charge Man - which isn't really good enough for many.

As anyone who has seen the classic HARDWARE WARS knows, Cookie Monster is a distant relative of Chewbacca. Do you think ANYONE related to Chewbacca would have a problem with a bunch of elves?

- The Bunyip

I think it'd be the elves all the way. Think about it; the cookie monster is a giant hunk of fur. For all we know, he's the size of a small dog underneath that massive coat. The elves are all muscle from lifting all those cookies (which are like 3x their size). Plus, you have to consider the artilary aspect. The elves have all those catapults that they use to shoot sprinkles and chocolate chips and what not. Fill a few of those babies with razorblades and you've got a shredded cookie monster.

- Cockulese

Regardless of the size of the holes in the tree, they're still HOLES. That definately weakens the structural integrity of the tree. If ol' CM was really set on those cookies he'd probably be able to punch a good sized hole in the tree and snack on some of those elves. Maybe he'd even make some of those little double sided elf cookies that are so tasty.

- The Bull

Apalling. Honestly...anyone who has grown up in America in the last thirty years has seen what Big Blue (A.K.A. - Cookie MonsterTM) is capable of. He even eats his own hands in his quest for gratuitous cookie-fulfillment. I fail to see how a tree full of pansy-elves will be able to stave off the starvation- maddened MuppetTM. In the face of hunger a MuppetTM can do anything.

Cookie Monster wins in under a minute, as he'd eat all the elves, the cookies and half the tree before his content-sensitive stomach detects elf-meat and sends him to the bathroom.

- The Devil in a Skinsuit

I haven't seen anything this one-sided since Britney Spears had a botched breast enlargement operation. It's the Cookie-Monster by far. He'll just chomp through the tree on his way to the cookies, bite the heads off a couple elves, and spend the rest of his days high on Cookie-Crack until he starts flipping out, thinks that "cookie bugs" are in his skin, chomps off his arms, and winds up in the local hospital/rehab center strapped to a table.

- Rob the Turkey

It's gonna be the cookie monster, you know it, I know it, and you can bet your fuzzy blue ass the elves know it. I mean, lets talk about the man behind the monster. See this poor man? He may look happy, but thats cuz he's got cookies. He's alone in the world. No one will even picnic with him, all he's got to hang on is chocolate chip addiction. His self esteem can't be all that high. His blue fur must clog his shower drains all the time, and his "googley" eyes have probley caused many a childhood problem for him. His only release is cookies, and the man finds a FACTORY full of em! Did ya see Scarface at the end where Al Pichino is so high he's getting shot and it's doing nothing? Well say hello to Al Cookie... these cock-a-roches don't stand a chance. A hollow tree won't save them, not the wood, not the hot fudge, not god. Thoses wingless fairys are about to enter C.M House Of Pain, the admission, their ass, and the line stars here.

- Andrew Ferrier

Ernie and his fellow elves will win this one. Here's why: In the commentary, a point was made that the elves feared woodpeckers and beetles? Why do they fear such creatures? Do they eat elves? No. The reason is that they can damage and/or kill trees. If your abode and place of business was a hollow tree, you'd be concerned about woodpeckers and borer beetles too. However, the Cookie Monster (CM) is incapable of damaging trees (he's too dumb to use a chainsaw), so the elves aren't going to have the stuffing scared out of them by CM.

From what is shown in the TV commercials, the largest opening in the hollow tree is at about five to five-and-a-half feet above the ground. While CM could fit through the aperture, it is unlikely that the short (most of the Sesame Street muppets are quite short) and out- of-shape CM could climb to it. This would restrict CM's attacks to reaching into the lower level windows. While he can wreak quite a bit of havoc this way, the elves have a potent weapon they can use to inflict major pain on CM. The tree is a bakery. All bakeries use ovens. Ovens can heat things to high temperature. The elves would simply heat up any loose, long pieces of metal they can find and then burn CM with them. Being stabbed (or just touched) by a 450-degree metal fork is enough to discourage anyone from attacking and CM will be no exception as he runs back crying to Sesame Street, with smell of burnt muppet fur in the air.

Finally, there's magic. Based on years of playing CRPGs (computer role-playing games), I've learned that elves possess some magic ability which varies depending on which type of elf you are dealing with. It has been established in the commercials that the Keebler elves, while not of the Tolkien type and exceptionally short by even the Santa elf standard, do possess some magical ability. In just about all magic systems, there are combat spells. Even the simplest magic missile spell will have CM shaking in terror. Also, if he manages to injure an elf, the other elves can always use healing spells to revive their comrade. In short, the Cookie Monster is totally outclassed and will end up going home hungry at the least, if not badly injured.

- The Demented Astronomer

It comes down to allies in this case. Cookie Monster has on his side an army of strong allies. Snuffleupagus could uproot the whole tree and shake the cookies out for him. And should it become an extended seige, don't over look the powers of Oscar the Grouch to simply put a stop to the garbage pick up there; after a few weeks the smell will be so bad that they'll just surrender. On the other side, the elves have children who they've given cookies to in the past, but what child can side with their cold corporate manipulations against Sesame Street. The only thing that might help is if they call in all of their cousins. Santa's elves could turn the toy factory into a munitions plant in a matter of minutes to assist. The bad fantasy novel elves always kick the butt of anyone trying to destroy a tree. In the end, though, I think Cookie Monster's allies are going to get there first and help him crack that base open to feast on the cookies inside. Then everyone joins in for a rousing rendition of "C is for Cookie", and they all live happily ever after. Well, except the elves.

- Joel Mathis

I see Cookie Monster winning this match. Furthermore, I see the conclusion ain’t gonna be pretty.

It was mentioned that there were E.L. Fudge cookies present in the tree. Now, as any cookie aficionado knows, E.L. Fudge cookies are shaped like elves. Keebler Elves. Is the picture beginning to form here? Cookie Monster will inevitably sample these tasty treats, and, lured by the delicious combination of fudge and shortbread, want more. MORE! C.M. will then see the Keebler Elves themselves: why, they look just like E.L. Fudge cookies! Yum!

As I said, it will not be a pretty picture. This Grudge Match will be brought to you by the letters A [as in AAAARRRGH!], O [As in "oh, the humanity!"] and the number 0 [that's zero, as in the chance the Keeblers have of winning.]

- J.M.

It really depends on what kind of elves we're dealing with here. Brothers Grimm elves? Nah, they made shoes, not baked goods. Tolkien's elves? Nah, they left the earth thousands of years ago, at the end of the Third Age™. Why come back to bake for us now? D&D™ or Warhammer™ elves? Cheap Tolkien ripoffs though they may be, probably not. If it was them, even Grover could handle THEM. Or Herry. Let alone Cookie. Santa's elves? Nah, they made toys, not baked goods.

So who's left? Oh wait, there's Harry Potter's™ House Elves, yet! Lemme see...
-Slavish devotion to their masters? check.
-Always trying to improve their performance? check.
-Hopelessly domestic? check.
-Masochistic flagellators and mortificators? jury's still out.
Ergo: It appears to me that Cookie Monster is up against Harry Potter's elves.

Now if you put the house elves (solitarily rather pathetic, even more pathetic with groups of them second guessing one another, though rather gifted with magic I must admit) up against the Cookie Monster without aid, which will be the case here since it is a Swamp Fox™, Hit and Run™, Tora! Tora! Tora! ™, blitzkrieg™ type sneak attack we're discussing... Cookie would gobble them, and their cookies, and their ingredients, and their factory, up in no time at all.

Therefore my prediction would have been that within 8 seconds™, Cookie would have left a pile of splinters, baker hats, teeny-weeny rolling pins, and other rubble behind and gone looking for the Nabisco™ plant. That's what my answer would have been, so I voted Cookie Monster.

HOWEVER, The scenario remarks "for smuggling in a case of Mallomars." Since when does Cookie Monster have the self control to hold onto a case of any breed of cookies? He may prefer chocolate chips and oatmeal raisin, but no case of cookies will be holding up against his appetite.

Therefore, I must reconsider. It is clear from the scenario that the alleged "Cookie Monster" is an impostor. He therefore forfeits, and the elves win the day.

Sorry, my wife just pinched me for being so anal-retentively particular as to notice that elf-sized inconsistency.

- Obscured Underlord

A word of advice to the Keebler Elves: I don't care how much Elfin magic you pull outta your collective wazoo, you can't stop Cookie Monster! The big blue goofball has it all over this match:
He's got THE RAGE™! Hey, if you had your precious airtime on Sesame Street taken over by that obnoxious little so-and-so Elmo, you'd be pretty ticked off too! Well, Cookie is just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.
He's got Mentos Level Coolness™! Who could forget the classic song, "C is For Cookie"? I know it's right up there with "Theme From Teeny Little Super Guy" as one of the songs I miss the most from the old Sesame Street, before that fire-engine-red brat Elmo replaced that sort of stuff with "Elmo's World"!
And he's got The Eye of the Tiger™. All he wants is his cookies. They're his driving goal in life. Nothing, I repeat, *nothing* comes between him and his cookies, unless the producers are trying to teach the value of sharing or something, but I don't see *that* happening. Unlike that stupid Elmo, who just sings in that annoying baby voice and shows clips of smiley infants... Blargh.
This match is over before you can say "ME WANT COOKIE! ME WANT ELMO'S HEAD ON STICK!"
You can tell I'm bitter, can't you?

- Andy the Anarchist- Did I mention how much I hate Elmo?

Cookie Monster takes this match with Ernie and his pals transformed into elfin mush. The fatal flaw in your argument is the projectile weapons. It's like saying "Robert Downey Jr. can be cured if you throw enough drugs at him." Betty Ford would be ashamed of you, Brian... Face it, all the Keebler boys have available are either cookies, or ingredients for making cookies. Either way, it's what Cookie Monster wants. The elves are trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

Cookie Monster has an appetite not dissimilar to another Grudge champion: Homer J Simpson. Hurling cookies at Cookie Monster is like sending Homer to Hell Labs' Ironic Punishments Division and feeding him all the donuts in the world. Cookie Monster and Homer are cut from the same cloth, and James Coco can't hold a candle to either of them.

The only way that Cookie Monster can be stopped is if the elves figure out a way to bake Super Colon Blow™ bran crackers during the attack, thus rendering Cookie Monster, um... indisposed.

- HotBranch!
<groan>(I heard that Keebler thought Super Colon Blow™ bran crackers were a crappy idea)</groan>

Cookie is just too versatile. Consider his alter ego, the creme de la creme of monster intelligentsia, Alistaire Cookie. As host of Monsterpiece Theatre, Cookie has undoubtedly done his research on elves, from the Brothers Grimm to Tolkien. He will know all about their strengths and weaknesses. Consider now yet another of Cookie's alter egos. Casey the Engineer. Some of you may remember a classic Sesame street song in which Casey was in charge of a train carrying cookies and ice cream, but said train was blocked by an untimely avalanche. Casey, naturally, wrestles with his own resolve and is tempted to eat the cookies he is sworn to deliver. However, just before he gives in, he hits on a solution that satisfies him and also takes care of the pesky avalanche. In his own words: "Me forget about the cookies. Me eat the *SNOW* instead!!!" Now, the present match is not altogether dissimilar. Those elves are determined to protect their cookies. Yet, simply substitute "elves" for "snow" in the above line, and you can easily see how Cookie can once again turn defeat into victory

- 1/2 Nelson

The cookie monster (tm) dies a horrible death of MALNUTRITION. Think about it, all the guy ever eats is cookies, where are the major vitamins? Does he ever drink any Orange Juice? Does he ever eat his vegetables? No, this battle was decided years ago, when the various muscle groups gave up and bailed out on the CM. Talk about atrophy. Oh yeah, and the Keebler Elves: aren't they just some sort of glorified forced child labor? Make them seem a little cuter than most sweat shops, (sweet shops?) and suddenly its alright.

- red

In "Cookie's Three Wishes" (narrated by Bob, he of more toupees than William Shatner) Cookie devoured an entire Chevy truck, so in addition to his high sucrose ingestion Cookie requires heavy iron supplements. And in the "Ernie's Ukelele" sketch Cookie devoured the ukelele, obviously for the fiber content.

There's one category missing from Cookie's "Four Basic Food Groups": meat (Children's Television Workshop caved in to PETA years ago), and Cookie Monster will not deny his cravings. Cookie Monster eats his way through the Keebler Tree, making a tasty repast of wood, cookies, and Keebler Elves alike.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight is screaming "KEEBLER COOKIES ARE MADE OUT OF ELVES... OUT OF ELVES!!!!"

As most people know, Hillary Clinton made an appearance on Sesame Street. CM and the Hill became close friends after this appearance. It is a little known fact that CM was a close advisor for Bill Clinton, and is now an aide for Senator Hillary. This doesn't bode well for the elves.

So, this is how I see the fight coming down.
Night falls in the peaceful Keebler (tm) forest. Black suited shadowy figures with night vision scopes hide amongst the trees, waiting for the right moment to attack. CM makes a diversion, pulling the guards attention away from his simple task. (Hey, I've seen tons of movies. I know that they ALWAYS put the dumbest person on guard). Ernie the elf (tm?) is at his desk facing the window working out the numbers for the day and thinking about firing that dumbass JJ who screwed up the cookies yet again. What he doesn't notice is the tiny red dot in the middle of his forehead. BLAM!BLAM! Two clean shots to the head and Ernie is down. Fast Eddie comes to check on Earnie after hearing the shots and the Feds shoot, killing him, but not before he can raise an alarm. All hell breaks loose as the elves barricade themselves in the tree with automatic weapons and the firefight ensues.

The feds try to lay seige to the Keebler (tm) compound but the media is alerted and shows up in droves. The feds must call off their attack, instead containing the elves for weeks on end. Finally, the feds get, well, fed up and decide to make one last push into the Keebler (tm) compound. They send tanks in, guns a- blazing, setting the compound alight. Elves run for their lives, right into the waiting arms of CM, who dispatches them easily with his Crushing Monster Grip (tm). There is elf juice all over the ground, as well as matted in CM's fur. The carnage is great, and the elves never had a chance.

- A concerned citizen

There is much internal dissention within the keebler ranks. Ernie doesn't have an iron hand on the proceedings and that will cost him. My proof? The 97 different varieties of Chips Deluxe. There's no teamwork there, and it's unlikely they'll get their act together in time to stop Cookie's rampant attack.


If you look at the tree, you'll find out that the entire core has been removed to accomodate the elves, their cookie-making equipment, as well as their cookies. As a result, the outer shell of their fort has dried up due to exposure to the air, and is now nothing more than a brittle piece of Drywood. Of course, Cookie Monster, being an overweight fat ball of fur, charges the fort in desperation to get the cookies inside. And the more he is desperate, the faster he charges.

Extremely-Fat-Overweight-Object + Fort-Made-of-Very-Brittle-Shell =
Complete Destruction of the Keebler Fort.

To add insult to injury, the Keebler Elves are rounded up and thrown into jail for Unsafe Building Practices, while the Cookie monster debates whether he should check in to Jenny Craig after eating about 2000 pounds of cookies.

- Tahna Los

Keebler Elves all the way. in order to make all those cookies and send them world wide there must be many more elves then seen in the commercials. Therefore I see a Gulliver's Travels-Lilipution thing happening. Cookie Monster never had a chance once those elves start taking out his ankles.

- Chuck D

Not only will its sheer bulk become an obsticle for it when attempting to penetrate the tree house, but Cookie Monster's addiction to cookies will lead it to wedge itself even further into the tree house. Cookie Monster, unable to get itself unwedged from the tight confines of the Keebler Treehouse, dies a lonely creature. And as CM's immovable carcass rots, the elves are forced to abandon their tree in a nomadic fashion, searching for the next most habitable tree - watch out Winnie The Pooh!

- I don't know - I'm retarded...

Three words: cesium chip cookies. For those of you not familiar with basic chemistry, cesium is one of the lowest alkaloids on the periodic table. Each alkaloid becomes increasingly volatile when reacting with water as you go down the column. As soon as CM takes a bite of those cookies... milkshake... BOOM!!!

- Nick Zachariasen

Given the enormous annual output of Keebler products, there is no way that one tree will have even a tiny fraction of their stockpiles. You cannot even tell me that the arboreal facility is their main factory, as it is too small and, besides, they have a different production line in the same space with each new ad. The Keebler tree is obviously a research-and-development lab that is occasionally used as a showroom for the TV camaras. So, most raiders who want cookies (e.g. Bozo-the-clown's sidekick, the Cookie-Crook and his hound, refugees from oppressive fat-farms, certain intrusive Web companies) will be going after the Keebler warehouses, not the lab, which has defenses only in the form of counter-industrial-espionage. Thus, the elves' tree is to Keebler what the Ardennes was to the Western Front: since no rational person would attack there, there is an overreliance upon natural barriers, the result being that it is highly vulnerable to a full-strength offensive by an irrational person. For everyone's favorite maniac Muppet, this one is a cake-walk (or a cookie-walk, if you will).

- Mortarmaster

Cookie Monster, schmookie monster. Aren't you forgetting the Fudge Factor(tm) here? These elves work with the stuff day in and day out. They know fudge--and its subtle properties. These guys have more words for fudge than eskimos have for snow. You can't tell me they don't know how to harness its extraordinary offensive potential (say, as a hot, tar-like immoblizing syrup or as a blinding firehose- diarhea-style power wash).

As has been stated, the cookie monster has no digestive tract--or at least no access to it, since his mouth appears to be a folding black felt circle. I can just see those little, highly organized elves cradling a hose in the tallest knot of their tree and yelling in Munchkin(tm)-like fashion, "Open wide, cookie punk! Fudge this!" He's not bright, so he opens up. Fudge hits solid felt. And like wind in a sail, CM is blow back to Sesame Street(tm) faster than you can say, "Snuffle-freakin'-upagus(tm)!" It's a no-win for CM. How 'bout little Girl Scout(tm) and Brownie(tm) child laborers baking their delectable, highly addictive cookies versus the Keebler elves in an all out production war--cookie vs. cookie, Thin Mint(tm) vs. Grasshopper(tm). Now that's a match!

- Jocoserious Jim

given: Cookie Monster: a monster that collects and processes cookies. Cookie: an object used by internet companies to moniter web users' habits. then: Cookie Monster = an entity that profits off of information based on web users. also: Cookie Monster is targeting ALL of the cookies in his current market. therefore: Cookie Monster is a monopoly. given: The US government will "break up" any monopoly it finds. therefore: The US government will "break up" Cookie Monster and the elves will win. QED.

- Albatross (the last Chinese shoe salesman)

Grrrr...those accursed Keebler Elves. You know, I grew up in a rather observant Jewish family, and we followed every obscure rule we could think of about what you can and can't eat. The rules are simple -- if it tastes good, it isn't kosher. I had to watch those stupid cartoons for Count Chocula, and KFC, and McDonalds, and yes, Keebler Elves, all advertising their gloriously treyf foods, and I couldn't eat them while all my friends could. On the other hand, Jewish law does not ban watching food being eaten on TV -- it encourages it, so you can feel even more jealous. So I got to watch Cookie Monster. I hate those Keebler Elves, and if they disappear, everyone else will have to suffer what I did. Oh, and Cookie Monster does follow a special Jewish dietary law just for him - - he can't eat Elmo, so his merchandise will continue to spread and consume the entire Earth.

- Le Schmuck

I don't understand this match. The Keebler Elves are always giving out samples of their products. How is the Cookie Monster any different? Since all completed cookies are magically transported to the stores, all the elves have on hand is samples. Unless the Cookie Monster suddenly goes after cookie ingredients, there just isn't a contest here. Cookie Monster gets his fill of samples, walks away happy. The elves go back to work. Unless, of course, Cookie Monster decides to force the elves to make cookies just for him, and he becomes a permanent resident with elves constantly feeding him cookies, which would cause a shortage of Keebler cookies everywhere. In that case, the elves don't have a prayer. They just aren't mean enough. Unless, of course, the elves have hired some of Santa Claus's out-of-work elves, who are just waiting for the opportunity for revenge against anyone bigger than they are, in which case the Cookie Monster doesn't have a prayer. In the end, I vote for Prof. Plum in the library with the candlestick.

- Corfy

In my humble opinion, the Cookie Monster has it in an obvious landslide, but let's observe one simple fact that further demolishes the Keebler Elves' hope of success. Cookie Monster has had several challenges in the past. The one of greatest note is when he invaded the Martha Stewart show. As anyone who has seen this particular episode knows, it is the funniest episode of Martha Stewart ever filmed. Granted, that isn't saying much, but it is still worth mentioning. If the great Cookie Monster can come up against Martha Stewart and succeed in decimating her kitchen, the Keebler Elves haven't got a chance.

- Ilsoap

Ah, cookies. There's nothing quite like them. The tang of gingersnaps; the hearty texture of oatmeal raisin cookies; the nostalgic crisp smoothness of my great-grandmother's butter cookie recipe; even the sturdy earnestness of Girl Scout Thin Mints--and if I have to explain fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies to you, I will pray for your poor, deprived soul.

Cookies. A gift from above, no?

Well, usually ... when they aren't stale macaroons foisted on you and loaded with coconut--coconut, yuck!--or store-bought Pepperidge Farm Sausalitos, dry and crumbly and with macadamias that can easily chip a tooth or get lodged in a molar. And Pecan Sandies? Army K rations are easy living compared with those rocks with embedded nuts. Badly made cookies are nothing but cruel teases ... and you can't help yourself! They're still cookies! You'll munch through them grimly, your jaw muscles aching with each chew. By the time you're done with a particularly bad batch, you could probably chew through anything just to get a toll-house cookie still warm from the oven.

That's exactly what the Cookie Monster will do. A few feet of bark and wood will be nothing to him. Large cooking implements, fudge crocks, whole ovens--slight impediments. If the Keebler Elves are wise, they'll harness themselves into their emergency evacuation paragliders (to wit, a few butterflies perched on an outlying branch) and leave the battlefield to The Mouth That Gorged.

- Call me Shane

You know, I just stopped back by the WWWF Towers for a quiet, well deserved shooting spree -- sort of the obligitory disgruntled former employee sort of thing -- and I came upon this match. You people are SO in need of my continued enlightenment. Brian, I know you are like unto God there in the Towers, but your fortified position thesis just does not apply here. Look, I speak from authority, I truly know my stuff; in kindergarden, I majored in Cookie Monster. The Keebler fortress might hold against hordes of elementary school children, even against the occaisonal attack of Newman-style mailmen, but the CM (cookieus majoris) is no mere soldier of semi-sweet; he is rather a force of nature. Even the best fortresses succumb to hurricane, earthquake, and tsunami. To use a rhetorical comparison, I myself had built an impenetrable fortress of blackmail, henchmen, and bribery within the WWWF which, I thought, would assure my continued status regardless of my lackluster commentary, sloth, and general surliness. Enter one Brian Wright, and my position crumbles, allowing my greedy co-commentators to flood into the breach and steal my office supplies from my very desk. I certainly feel a similar result is in store for the Ernie the cookie elf. And Shane, gimme back my goddam stapler.

- Jeff Barton

Anyone that has grown up with Sesame Street(tm) knows that there is one factor which the elves have no hope of over coming. MILLIONS OF HYPER-ACTIVE CHILDREN (no tm) Since Cookie Monster is a well known officer in the SS military(tm) hundreds of thousands of elementary school children will follow his command blinded by loyalty and the promise of suggary snacks(tm). Though the elves will attempt to bribe their way past the under-4' hoard, the children will be too young to comprehend what's being presented plus they will be distracted by the surrounding treats. Cookie Monster, leading his troops, will have the keebler elf tree demolished in under 30 sec. Hyped up on sugar and ritlin... the army of children will then amasse for the assault on the formitable Nabisco (tm) fortress! to be continued....

- Hunt-Master

This opportunity to use CM as a marketing technique to reach children, who just happen to love cookies, would overwhelm their greedy little chlorestoral bloated hearts. It is my belief that the elves invited CM to their "factory" in an elaborate scheme to take advantage of his fame in the cookie market and use him as their new spokes model targeting children.

- The Sleep Deprived Accountant

You are closer to the truth than you realize. -- Eds.

Commercial Opens. Elves are running back and forth, making themselves busy. Some are busy baking large, gooey blue cookies while others stuff these cookies into packages labeled "Soylent Blue." Elmer strides in front of the camera with one of the cookies. He presents the cookie and proceeds to briefly but passionately describe the care and craft that goes into the creation of each and every cookie. Then something midly amusing happens for comic relief. Fast Eddie cuts across the screen, trips, and breaks his arm. The other elves all laugh... save Elmer, who looks on in bemusement. As the commercial draws to a close, a jingle is heard in the backround "oh you never would believe where those Keebler Cookies come from." Commercial ends.

- Dan Quayle

Let's face it, the Keebler elves have been preparing for this day for years. There have to be "ENEMY NUMBER ONE" posters all over the tree house with plan "COOKIE-1" through "COOKIE-94B" in a file cabinet near all lookout posts. If you're dust bunnies, you watch constantly for the Dirt Devil, if you're the Keeblers, you watch for CM. The first part of every plan has to be air support. No war has been won in the last century without air support. Who's going to show up to lend a hand in minimal time with maximum punch? Santa. That's who. You think the Keebler and North Pole elves don't keep in touch? Pshaw. The Keeblers have been supporting the Xmas rush for decades. Santa can get there in nanoseconds, just like every other home on earth. Throw in some shoemaker elves, the elf from the new Lord of the Rings movie and all those classical merrimakers from lore and you've got one hell of a supporting ground army. With pixie magic and gay pride, the elves WILL take the day.

- Tirdun

This match is all Cookie Monster, which is sad because it's just another example of the manipulation of the mentally deficient for the purpose of violent revenge. You see, I think it's a little too coincidental that this big blue monster just happened to be making his way past the Keebler tree. No, I think CM was manipulated into this by the SmurfsTM who are still pretty smurfed off about that smurfberry crop they lost to fudge waste-product effluents from that smurfing Keebler EurotreeTM just upstream. Hopefully Cookie Monster will control his RAGETM and bloodlust when he realizes that the Keebler wares are just sawdust cakes with tasty toppings. After all, there aren't many cookie breaks in maximum security.

- Mr. Silverback- Exits stage right after singing a chorus of "I Ran Over All The Smurfs"

The argument of the Keebler Treehouse being any form of defense against Cookie Monster is so phenomenally feeble, it must have been brought to us by the letter 'L' -- great for making such words as Lame, Laughable and Loser. I mean, when has the non-cookie-ness of anything ever kept Cookie Monster from crumbling it to bite-sized pieces with delightful munchiness? Sure, cookies are the mainstay of his diet, but he'll devour just about anything - letters, plates, doors, plumbing - anything. The scale of the windows, openings or vents in the Treehouse is only relevant as far as trying to calculate just how much Creamy Elfin Filling™ is going to squirt out as the Googly Eyed One munches his way through the uncommonly good erstwhile Fortress of Fudge.

- czarofhappiness

If the Keebler Elves are smart, they'll have bailed out already. There is nothing going to stop the Cookie Monster.

Need I remind you, people, this is a Muppet who, when taken to the museum, had to be constantly reminded not to eat the Mummy. And make no mistake about it, Cookie Monster is indeed a monster. Several less fortunate muppets starve in the streets because of his voracious appetite. Look into his eyes, his wild eyes, pointing in opposite directions, he's crazy. He's thirty times the size of his opponents. He's berserk. He's unstoppable. Now I ask you, what the hell are they going to keep him out? Shoot him? You can't kill a Muppet. Cannonballs? Useless. Keep him out with a strong barricade? He'll eat through the tree if he has to. He'll eat through the tree even if he doesn't have to. He'll probably eat most of the elves. Magic? That might work well for baking experimental new cookies, but for moving something thirty times your size? Nuh uh. The elves better pack fast, because their tree is going bye-bye in a massive "OM NOM NOM NOM."

- Infraggable Krunk

Let's get the facts straight. A friend of mine once argued with me as to the true race of the Keebler "elves". She, being an avid reader of many fantasy fiction novels, cited that elves are not short, squat, creatures living inside of trees. They live in forests, true, but not IN trees. They are tall slender beings, who are graceful and beautiful. Last time I looked, the Keebler boys weren't sporting any signs of women in that tree. So, what do we have?

Closest guess is that they are dwarves since they wear shoes and live as a bunch, and hobbits (my second most likely guess) don't. But they aren't warlike, so if they are dwarves, they aren't your common variety. They make cookies, and live without women. They sound very similar to those monks who grow pecans, I don't remember the exact Saint that their order is. So, we have monkish dwarves, who haven't seen women since they began baking, who only feature children in their commercials, and after that one Gr"asshopper" cookie commercial incident, are being watched with close scrutiny, with dwarvish blood running in their veins, being attacked by their equivalent of Smaug. Rage is all over these little guys. Now, the cookie monster, is not overly intelligent, he has no armor, and he has huge googly eyes that are bleached white with little black dots, which only scream to be blinded in combat. They couldn't be better targets. The Keebler faction also has strength in numbers, and it's home court advantage too. We know they have the tree rigged from some of their previous commercials, and Cookie Monster HAS NO TEETH! How can he win? Once he's trapped, what can he possibly do? Maybe if his incessant chanting of "Cookie" were to call assistance from the underworld, you know, the bad part of Sesame street, where the ghetto monsters live, or if his chanting causes their little cookie making heads to pop, he might succeed, but otherwise, he doesn't stand a chance.

- Pareeha

I have personally seen CM insert five (yes five) cookies into his gaping maw and reduce them to crumbs in a matter of seconds. Keep in mind that these are not the bite-sized cookies of the supermarket shelf but the good old fashioned Toll House homemade melt in your mouth not in your hand cookies that Sesame Street forced some poor defenseless grandmother to bake. The elves, on the other hand, deal exclusively with the much smaller imitations of cookies. The Keebler Cookies measure only three quarters of an inch in diameter. In less specific terms these cookies can be referred to as "not very big." We routinely see the elves rolling these cookies along the ground from production to packaging. I do not bring this up to comment on the elves poor health practices (do they ever wash the floor?) but to remind the viewer that the cookies are bigger than the elves. Doing some simple math we can see that three bite sized cookies are no greater than one of CM's usual treats. Therefore, we can conclude that at least three elves are equivalent to a single cookie. CM can concievably reduce 15 elves into Keebler Crumbs with a single "nhamm, nhamm, nhamm." As for the supposed advantages that the elves hold: I doubt that it would take CM more than four bites to devour the Keebler Bonsai Tree Fort. Even less if Ma Keebler left a fresh batch on the kitchen table.

- Greg "Not Linda" Tripp

If the Elves can hold off his berserk assault for more than ten minutes, they're safe. After a short amount of time, Cookie Monster will be too tired to move.

Cookie Monster... is fat. There's just no way around it, he's a great big tub of goo. As you can clearly see, a lifetime of constant snacking has left him with quite a sizable gut. There's no doubt that the other monsters like Grover or Telly, who's built like a Mack truck under that fur, are laughing at him behind his back. Unless CM's been hitting the Stairmaster super-hard for the past few months, there is no way he's going to be able to keep up the attack for long. Imagine a baby hippo attacking an armored tank and you've got the idea. All the Elves have to do is defend themselves with projectiles and Elfin magic, and the Cookie Monster will collapse, gasping for breath, unable to move, and ready to be magicked to the next county.

- My name is Kenny

Bah! Much like the neighbor's Chihuahua, the Keebler tree is all bark and no bite.

- Mark Wentz

I may be mistaken here, but are the keebler elves not all homosexuals? Just from the way they dress and the fact that they are a bunch of guys who live together and bake cookies into which they pack fudge, that is what I figured. Now let's talk about RAGE. Can you think of anyone with more rage potential than a bunch of tiny gay men? I bet they got beaten up all the time in high school. Plus, they doubtless all want to impress each other, and so they probably spend all their time working out.

Angry gay elves by however long it takes for cookie monster to get to the tree plus six seconds.

- Inspectah Mac

Sorry, Brian, but the one smoking the cookie crack™ would be you, and you're smoking it out of the industrial-sized tube. The Keebler Elves make cookies. Cookie Monster eats cookies. It's that simple (with all due apologies to Ross Perot™.) And thanks to Cookie Monster's bulimia (it's not that he isn't swallowing the cookies he eats that makes all those crumbs fall out of his mouth, but rather that he purges just as fast as he binges,) he'll be able to go through the elves' entire production run in no time. Unfortunely for Cookie Monster, it will be a pyrrhic victory. Professor Elf's areas of knowledge are "Algebra, Calculus, Nuclear Physics, the thermodynamics of dough, fudge viscosity, and the kinetics of cracker crunchiness," so once he figures out that defeat is inevitable, he'll have Ernie breaking out the elves' stores of plutonium-laced dough, and bake the H-cookie. And as soon as Cookie Monster chomps down on that tasty bit of mega-high explosive, his head will vanish in a mushroom cloud of nuclear fury that is brought to us by the letters MC and the number 2.

- Bowie Hawkins

There is no doubt that Cookie Monster will win this match. In the Sesame Street Christmas Special, the Cookie Monster tries to send Santa a message to ask for the cookies he wants. However, he never manages to send the message as, in succession, he eats his pencil and paper, his typewriter (including the ribbon) and, finally, the phone. All of this happened because he got so worked up anticipating the cookies that he confused these objects as various delicious items. Eventually, he went on a bender and ate Gordan and Susan's Christmas Tree with its decorations. I don't think I need to elaborate further. That entire tree is the appetizer. Plus, it makes great roughage. That's going to be one strange Muppet turd though. Should make an interesting episode on waste removal.

- Paul "C is for Crap" G.

In order to maintain objectivity I did browse the link to the Elve's bios, I was not impressed... 1) They all appear to be related, often in more than one way. 2) They have goofy, slack jawed expressions (and beards). 3) They are prepared for an attack and drill frequently. In conclusion: These are paranoid gun-obbsessed hill billies, probably expecting the Red Chinese to tunnel in any minute and members of Aryan Nation to boot. This organization, arsenal and fanatacism will be an inital advantage in the conflict but within moments the FBI, ATF and the Black Helicopters (TM) will descend upon the scene and shoot them all.

- Wilphe

For a few more longish but funny responses, head over to Page 2
of the Keebler Elves vs. Cookie Monster response file.


one side MAKES cookies, the other side EATS cookies. that's like pitting Godzilla against the Tokyo Department of Public Works.

- the mysterious "jimmy"

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Santa Claus v. Elves, Reindeer, and Teamsters
A Rottweiler v. A Rottweiler's weight in Chuihuahuas
Orville Redenbacher v. Colonel Sanders

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Next Match: Candy Side Story.
ETA: Monday, June 18th, 2001

© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC