World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

G2: Grudgement Day

The Scenario

December 7, 1999
Corporate Headquarters, Global Operations
Santa Enterprises Corporation

Dear Valued Employee:

Due to the competitive pressures of a modernizing holiday industry, SE has been steadily losing market share to aggressive newcomers like Kwanzaa, as well as established industry leaders such as Hanukkah. These competitive pressures have driven SE to modernize its physical plant to increase automation and efficiency, streamlining our corporate structure as well.

As you may have noticed, robotic assembly droids have taken over the majority of the toy assembly duties. Also, the sleigh has had its outdated propulsion system replaced with a GE 9000 jet engine, the same engine used in the highly successful Boeing 777 airliner.

Unfortunately, the recent changes have forced us to eliminate your position. While SE stands ready to assist you in finding new employment, the responsibility for finding a new position is yours. Unemployment insurance is available until December 24, 1999.

Merry Christmas

S. Claus
President and CEO
Santa Enterprises Corporation

We bring good cheer to life!

December 8, 1999
International Brotherhood of Teamsters

Dear S. Claus:

Well, how symbolic of you to drop this little bomb on Pearl Harbor day, you cold-hearted, red-suited, little fat bastard. You have sucked from the teat of your exploited wage-slaves for the last time. And to time it so that unemployment insurance runs out on Christmas Eve! I hope your flabby ass burns in hell.

Well, your labor force has agreed to join forces with the Teamsters and to strike your little sweat-shop. "I don't need a labor force," you say? Well, just wait and see if any of your delivery vehicles manage to cross our picket lines. Almost all of your deliveries are made by Union drivers. Can you say "sympathy strike?"

You know as well as I do that these measures have been taken not because of competitive pressures, but to line your own deep pockets with obscene stock options. You want to see lost market share? We'll give you lost market share!

See you at the "negotiating table", asshole!

"Legs" Maloney
International Brotherhood of Teamsters

So John, choose the champion in this Christmas class conflict?

Santa Claus Elves on strike

Santa Claus


Elves, Reindeer, and Teamsters

The Commentary

JOHN: I'm with the bourgeois, baby! Yeah, worker drones - who controls the means of production now, suckers? We do! Whooooo!

To my way of thinking, Capital™ couldn't possibly have chosen a better representative in their battle against the lumpenproletariat (patent not pending, because property is theft). You will remember that Santa fought Jesus to a draw, and that was a three-on-one (against the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost). We know that Santa can shoot ice balls from his fists, Mortal-Kombat style. He will have no problem dispatching a bunch of dirty hippie elven freaks. Think of it - would you consider being called "elf-like" an indication of fearsomeness or strength? Or do you think "Those tights make you look lithe and elf-like"?

As for the reindeer, give me a break! They're too busy playing reindeer games. Keep your eyes on the ball, you stupid deer! The teamsters won't pose a problem to Saint Nick either - have you ever seen a Teamster move quickly to anything besides the buffet table? Now, Santa is fast - he's got to visit several billion residences (less the naughty ones - his workload has been somewhat lighter since Labour got voted in throughout Europe) in one night! And he does it! It's like Donovan Bailey was equipped with a uterus and had the Flash's baby.

Finally, consider the setting. The Far North is the territory of one of the world's most feared predators. That's right, the elves are out in the hunting ground of the dreaded HotBranch! And who do you think the Branch!, with his only partially-formed superego will favour? The party that brings him gifts, or those whose actions will deny HotBranch! these gifts? Duh. For the elves, it'll be like getting caught between HotBranch! and the beer table (tried it once, two months in the hospital).

JEFF: It saddens me to think how uninformed you are about the internal workings of Santa's workshop. Santa has been an incompetent freeloader ever since the operation really got rolling in 980AD. Since then he has been relying on the elves to keep the ship afloat. I mean, come on, "Ho ho ho?," "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night?" What the hell kind of a mission statement is that? If he were anything like corporate savvy, Santa's mission statement would be "Our mission is to actualize the Christmas Spirit to the greatest degree possible, to the greatest number of customers possible, using the highest standards of total quality management in an environment of proactive continuous improvement."

Come on John, Santa's snowballs? Do think that is a real threat? You think having to wear an extra sweater is going to deter the elves and reindeer from seeking a living wage? I think Santa will have a frightful awakening when he discovers the elves have hoarded a few hundred liters of Christmas Spirits, and those flammable spirits are heading for his workshop in the form of Molotov cocktails. And fast? The reindeer are fast. Those reindeer are the greyhounds of the North, and they are playing those reindeer games to stay in shape, unlike a certain bowl-full-of-jelly-eating, can't-run-half-a-block-without-a-cigarette, staring-down-his secretary's-blouse lazy-bones I could mention. Santa is just along for the ride, and to hop down a few chimneys, scarf a couple cookies and drink some milk. It is Rudolph and his posse that have to haul Santa's sorry ass all those millions of miles, at superluminal velocities, for 24 hours straight, without their legally guaranteed work breaks and mealtimes.

As for HotBranch!, he lives in Quebec, and between his Canadian-influenced drinking, his French-influenced driving, and his little Citroen (Motto: At least you can fit a keg of Molson's in the back, eh?), by the time his vision clears sometime in January, he will be seeing panda bears, not polar bears.

JOHN: Only one keg? You seriously underestimate HotBranch!, the poster child for id. The denizens of the far north have 500 words for "snow" and yet another 500 words for "quantity of beer much larger than a keg". Your lack of faith in his gastric abilities constitutes a fatal flaw in your reasoning. But enough of that and on to your several hundred other fatal flaws.

Let's not forget the nasty politics occurring within the reindeer camp. Rudolph was prevented from playing these reindeer games you laud as some kind of training, (with all these Christmas spirits lying around, what exactly are these games? Quarters?) and his bitter, seething resentment arising from his exclusion will result in the reindeer turning on each other viciously.

And what's this about Santa being lazy, Jeff? He's in charge of marketing, managing logistics and distribution for a multinational conglomerate, personnel, updating the information databases re: nice vs. naughty AND he's the one who's personally responsible for getting up and down billions of chimneys to deliver the end product. He does this with zero help from the elves, reindeer, or their friends in the labour movement. If Seattle™ has taught us anything, along with the proper uses of flannel, it's that when labour tries to confront capital, it sits down with other hygiene-challenged people, holds a number of teach-ins and dramatic political theatre presentations, and then marches in protest to the wrong location. In response, capital has the cops come in and pepper spray labour in the face.

Face it, Jeff, Saint Nick's position is overwhelming. He's quick, his fighting record is solid, and his opponents are weak and divided. The winner of this dialectic will be Santa, capitalistic exploitative plutocratic bastard.... and loving it! Happy holidays, everyone!

JEFF: I get the impression that you think more than one keg of beer is somehow an ASSET to the HB!'s ability to navigate to the North Pole. Hmmm. Do you also interpret the legal Blood Alcohol limit for diving a car as a Minimum? But enough of this petty foolishness, let's get on to the REAL foolishness:

I think you may have misinterpreted what happened in Seattle. The police did not tear-gas 40,000 protesters, they tear-gassed 40,000 voters. I think the mayor of Seattle is going to become painfully aware of this come election time. So who's police force is Santa going to call in? The Chinese are pissed at him for his continual violation of their sovereign airspace, and his insistence on making deliveries to Taiwan. Clinton will never call in the cops on his core labor constituency. Germany might help, but since Santa doesn't deliver to Jewish children, they probably consider it a bad political move. Russia is busy in Chechnya. France? Give me a break, they can't even break up their own striking proletariat. There will be no government intervention in this strike!

On the other hand, you may be right about Rudolf-reindeer split. But let me let you in on a little secret: If it weren't for Santa's hemorrhoids, he would be named Rudolf the Brown-Nosed reindeer. Rudolf being a scab and crossing the picket lines is not going to lessen the solidarity of the rest of the reindeer. They were doing just fine together before the vice-president of marketing decided his nephew needed a job. Rudolf even used his family connections to get himself promoted into the lead position, despite his lack of seniority. If anything Rudolf is going to make the rest of the reindeer even more bitter and determined.

As for Santa, while he has been responsible for various duties, he has never taken his responsibilities very seriously. Here is a quote from the TV special Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer:: SANTA (looking up from list): Ho Ho Ho. Well, I guess they've all been pretty nice this year." All the kids have been nice? Even the kids that put chewing gum on the seats at the movie theater? The kids that bit people who were only trying to help them get up after falling while skiing? The kids who vandalized school property? I guess Santa thinks they are, because I did all these things as a child, and still got presents. A slacker like that had better expect to pay his help, and pay them well!

This match was inspired by the brilliantly demented mind behind Bloom County, Berkeley Breathed.

The Results

Santa (530 - 52%)

permanently puts the

Elves, Reindeer, and Teamsters (495 - 48%)

on the naughty list.

Thanks to Chris 'Jedi' Knight for this live coverage. We suspect that Santa got better.

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Voter Comments

This match produced a great many funny responses. We felt that hauling out the iron fist during this happy time of year would be too unholiday-ish. Therefore, as our holiday gift to you, we have included an extra large response file for this match. Give yourselves a hand, you did some great work! - Eds


Gold Grudgie

Am I the only one who found a note reading "vote for me or it's coal until you're 90" pinned to his fireplace mantle?

- El Weirdo

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie

See Santa smile, see Santa get on the internet, see Santa buy all the presents online thanks to Santa, Inc.'s new T3 line. See Santa sit on his butt this Christmas Eve while UPS delivers all his presents. Doesn't Santa look warm and comfortable in his downsized workshop? See Santa cut his overhead thanks to eCommerce.

See the elves, see the elves burning the coal from their stockings for heat as they try to keep from freezing to death in the bitter north. Poor stupid elves.

See the reindeer, see the reindeer turning on the spits the teamsters set up to feed a thousand hungry, freezing elves. Mmmm tasty reindeer. Turn reindeer, turn.

- Ernest Hemingway

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie

Hello. This is Oliver Stone. I am here to present a timeline of the tragic events surrounding the assassination of Nicholas Claus, our own beloved Santa. This timeline, I believe, will present evidence and information contrary to the findings of the official Committee. It will become evident that the Committee's "Lone Grinch Theory" is nothing more than a cover-up for the Crime of the Century.


8:15 am 
As the workday begins, Santa arrives to a small contingency of elves 
with picket signs.  One witness claims she heard, 'You're going down, 
fat boy!' 

8:45 am 
Mr. Grinch, the janitor, arrives for work.  He would later be 
described by those who knew him as 'having cobwebs in his soul' and 
resembling a 'brown banana with a greasy black peel.' 

9:00 am 
Santa's Magic Village opens to an anxious crowd of parents and 
children hoping to see the annual Christmas parade.  Frosty, the 
security chief of Santa's Magic Village, takes his position by the 
large North Pole at the corner of "Roasted Chestnut Road" and 
"Sugarplum Fairy Drive." 

9:04 am 
Mr. Grinch takes the stairs up to the 6th floor of The Gingerbread 
House, the corporate offices of Claus, Inc. 

9:05 am 
Several witnesses recall seeing 'lots of short fellas' gathering by 
the picket fence in front of the hill next to Santa's Workshop. 

9:06 am 
Santa and Mrs. Claus get into their sleigh and begin the slow drive 
down "Candy Cane Lane". 

9:07 am 
Frosty's magic hat is stolen. It would be a matter of minutes before 
Frosty melts, leaving security drastically crippled. 

9:08 am 
Celebrity Jimmy Stewart is seen amongst the crowd.  Several onlookers 
begin asking for autographs. 

9:10 am 
The crowd cheers as the Sleigh winds around the corner of "Stocking 
Stuffer Drive." 

9:11 am 
Rudolph, long-time friend and now ex-employee of Santa Claus, is seen 
'looking sullen' by the "Get Your Picture Taken Here" sign. 

9:15 am 
The sleigh moves down "Roasted Chestnut Road."  Photographs taken that 
day show several reindeer scattered through the crowd, wearing what 
look like ear-radios. 

9:17 am 
The parade stops for up to 3 minutes as Santa hands out candy canes 
and shakes hands with the crowd.  Witnesses recall a voice in the 
crowd yelling, 'The beard is fake!' 

9:20 am 
Frosty melts.  The sleigh makes the turn onto "Sugarplum Fairy Drive." 
Rudolph's nose lights up as he watches the parade. 

9:21 am 
The first shot sounds.  Mrs. Claus yells, 'They're going to kill us 
all!'  Within seconds, another shot rings out, hitting Santa in the 
back causing him to lurch forward. 

9:22 am 
Another shot hits Jimmy Stewart.  Witnesses remember hearing a voice 
yell, 'Let's see Clarence get those wings, now!'  Gunshots are heard 
coming from the "Holiday Train Station." 

9:23 am 
Within seconds, several shots ring out.  Rudolph disappears into the 
crowd.  Santa slumps over onto his wife's lap.  The sleigh 
accelerates, speeding Santa to the hospital. 

9:25 am 
Several stunned onlookers recall seeing a little blonde boy, wearing 
an eye patch, running from the picket fence area.  Later, people will 
say the unmistakable report of a Red Rider BB gun sounded from this 

9:30 am 
In the aftermath, people swarm the hill by the Workshop.  Hoof prints 
are found in the dirt. 

9:35 am 
Police secure The Gingerbread House.  Three spent Candy Canes will be 
found in the so-called "Sniper's Nest."  Witnesses also say police 
carried away a 'green slipper with curly toes.'  This has since 
disappeared from evidence. 

9:45 am 
Santa Claus pronounced deceased.  Doctors say he managed to touch the 
side of his nose once and wink before expiring. 

9:50 am 
Mr. Grinch heads homeward to Whoville. 

9:55 am 
Police issue an APB for Mr. Grinch, using only three words to describe 
him: 'stink, stank, stunk.' 

10:00 am 
Mr. Grinch is picked up and accused of stealing Christmas.  He is 
never formally charged with the assassination. 

10:15 am 
Santa's body arrives at the morgue.  His beard is missing.  There are 
disputes as to whether it was shaven, it was fake, or this body being 
a "Santa's Helper," one of the many decoys employed by the Claus 

10:20 am 
Witnesses in the area's airport recall seeing 'some tiny guys' 
laughing and bragging about 'how good the hunting is in these parts.' 

10:30 am 
Blitzen, a formerly-employed reindeer, charges through the police 
station and impales Mr. Grinch on his antlers. 

11:00 am 
Blitzen commits suicide by shooting himself in the back of the head. 

3:25 pm 
The Teamster Union acquires the Island of Lost Toys and staffs it with 
several of Santa's ex-elves. 

It is quite clear by this chain of events that the most horrendous of conspiracies robbed us of our innocence, our Christmas, and a jolly fat man. The truth shall set you free.

- V. Scott Jorgenson

Well, first of all, Tennessee is a Right To Work state, legislating open shops for all. We don't hold with unions down here, so I have to vote for Saint Nick.

Second, permit me to re-consider the jolly old elf's opponents.

First, the Teamsters, and their famous part in the Battle in Seattle. The Teamsters sided with sea-turtle advocates, ultra-nationalists, and French cheese-makers. That's right. The Teamsters allied with the French. Thus, at least in the Grudge Match, they have the Kiss of Death(TM). They will be of no consequence. Besides, even if Santa depends on supplies delivered by truck, I am sure there are thousands upon thousands of little kids who will WHINE and WHINE to make sure their daddy makes his delivery to the North Pole. If worse comes to worst, Kriss Kringle can simply hire their non-union Mexican equivalents.

Second, Father Christmas's former elven employees. These aren't Tolkien's immortal, six foot tall elves. These aren't Terry Pratchett's nasty, brutish, and short elves. These are little story-book elves. They aren't going to do too much in combat. Besides, they're just, well, labour. Santa Claus is the brains of the outfit, and presumably a tactical genius, as he can deliver gifts throughout the entire world in one night. I suspect he even did so during the Second World War, evading (or DESTROYING!) enemy fighter planes and anti-aircraft weapons. If Santa can outwit the Nazis, he can evade the elves. Finally, if he does need to do some ground combat against these little pipsqueaks, don't forget that he has legions of "helpers" with big bellies and fake beards who sit in malls and department stores throughout the world. Do you think they're just there for PR? No way. They are also an elite fighting unit, akin to the Navy Seals or the Green Berets. They're also Santa's body guards, and they could whip those little tights-wearing (that has to be cold at the North Pole), pointy eared, unionised elves in a heartbeat, especially if HotBranch! was on their side, drunkenly demanding presents.

Finally, the reindeer. Jeff acts like it's meaningless that Rudolph would cross the picket line to work for Santa. First of all, he's valuable by himself, as he's the only reindeer who can see through fog or other inclement weather. Saint Nick, being a holy figure, could simply create a blizard or some fog, and the pickets would be helpless. Rudolph, on the other hand, could guide and delivery trucks through the lines with his nose so bright. However, Rudolph isn't the only reindeer with an axe to grind. Those eight tiny reindeer are some pretty snotty folks. You figure Rudolph is the only reindeer at whom they laughed, and called names? I suspect many of his young co-workers were rejected from their reindeer games. Let's face it. They are just a bunch of senior partners on an ego trip. There's probably lots of young reindeer go-getters willing to cross the line and do Santa's dirty work for him. Perhaps they can even convince him that, by working at a fraction of the old salaries of those country-club elites, they can be more effective than a 777 (especially at landing on roofs). Santa Claus will have plenty of scabs on his side.

Finally, consider this. Santa Claus can see you when you are sleeping, and he knows when you are awake. He knows if you have been bad or good. So, he must have some real dirt on some of these strikers. A little blackmail never hurt. There's probably a few Teamsters who know where Jimmy Hoffa, Senior is, but who don't want to world to know how naughty they've been. I'd hate to think what kinds of secrets the elves might have. As for the reindeer, if we can believe Bart Simpson, one of their reindeer games is Strip Poker (although what they strip off is anyone's guess). Santa and his spy organisation win the day.

- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.

The rest:

despite all of the hype this match is actually rather cut and dry. in one corner we have Santa, in the other we have elves, flying reindeer, and the teamsters.

it all comes down to this, santa DOSN'T EXIST!! and for that matter neither do the elves or flying reindeer. the only thing in this match that may exist is the teamsters. thus by default they win due to lack of competion.

- a reality check

It is a time honored Grudge Match (TM) tradition for the editors to punish overt references to reality. Consider your hand officially slapped. One more offense and Robin Williams will be staying at your place for a week!

Don't think we can't arrange it. - Eds.

Santa wins easily, because of Quantum Physics(TM).

Considering the number of children Santa has to visit in 24 h he must travel at very high speed. The number of children and the distance to cross is easily counted and calculated (won't do it here though because I'm lazy), therefore we know exactly how fast Santa travels. The speed would so high that he would burn up due to atmospheric friction. But Santa exists because if not there would not be this match. Therefore Santa must be a personified Quantum Phenomenon. Because of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Thingy(TM) we do not know the exact position of Santa at any time, since we know his speed or momentum. Another proof of quantum properties is, how on earth do you get a fat man down a chimney without breaking either ? The only explanation is a tunnel effect(TM).

Santa tunnels the picket lines, what could a bunch of fairies stop anyways ? And I'm looking forward to some nice presents.

- Valium

Dear John & Jeff;

I have read your notes. Who are you for, anyway? One of the major lessons in how to be a good staff officer is not to equivocate. Haven't you learned anything? Maybe you were both too busy in your engineering courses and how-to-be-a-nerd classes to take some real, solid, business management courses. Now, those are some classes that have some real meat to them. Had you bothered, you would have learned that in this society, to admit the validity of a portion of your adversary's argument invalidates the rest of your arguments.

Having said that, it would probably be best for me to use a nom de plum, or, since you are so down on the beautiful French language, a Pen Name to you (it would not be a good idea for me to reveal my true identity).

However, I can reveal a well-kept secret. Jeff: Santa DID keep a dossier on you. It was your mother and father who removed the sticks and the lumps of coal in the middle of the night, replacing them with much more valuable presents, such as the chocolate-covered cherries you received. You probably don't recall this, but your sister received actual, valuable presents from the MAN. She was the one who was not afraid to go running to Santa-in-the-Mall, whereas YOU wouldn't even go near him. Naturally, he's not about to bring valuable stuff to some kid who will not show appropriate obeisance to him. You had a communications problem, same with the tooth fairy. You failed to keep the lines of communication open to him, also. The tooth fairy didn't know there was a tooth under you pillow until you communicated with him through your parents.

Now as to Rudolph: Rudolph is a myth. Yes, boys and girls, Rudolph is fiction, but not the rest of the Santa mystic. Rudolph was invented by an aging cowboy singer wishing to revive his popularity, especially with the groupies who once congregated outside the stage door. The song put him back in the saddle again, if you get my drift.

You mentioned superluminal speeds. If anything, that should be clear notice you should not mess with Santa. How does he do this? Remember, physicists have been looking for tachyons for decades, and have not found any. Think what it would mean, if they were shown to exist; our ideas of causality would go down the drain. Post hoc ergo propter hoc would become PRE hoc ergo propter hoc (the event would precede the cause, to you nerds). However, you can work out the nuances for yourselves. Let v be > c, rewrite the relativistic expressions for mass, time, energy, etc., rationalize the denominators. Ask yourselves, what are the implications of the presence of (-1)exp ˝ ?

So how does Santa do it? He can project himself in the complex plane, thereby not requiring any continuity in the Reimann sense of mass, energy, space and time. He is able to carry a sort of relativistic miasma type of envelope around him. Naturally, if you are a disbeliever you will be unable to find any real-valued functions to show his presence (the radar sightings of Santa on the news & weather TV broadcasts are fiction).

If this is not convincing enough to you elf-lovers, did you get the valuable presents you hoped for? All of them?

Multinational Santa Corporation Rules and it holds grudges.

- Spider Man #2

For those who are a bit confused, the above responses are a semi-rigorous proof that Santa exhists in a STRICTLY IMAGINARY quantum state. Well, I'll take their word for it. I had an awful time with Schroedinger's equation.

ps. The last was a long response, but in my family, you don't edit dad's jokes twice in one year and remain in the will. - jeff

This year has sucked hard enough; if you think I'm voting against Santa, here on Christmas Eve, you're high.

- beej

Sympathetic union strike? It seems you've been dipping into Granny's Egg Nog a little too early this year. Sober up. What will those union workers get if they picket the North Pole? Some reindeer dung. They certainally won't get a paycheck or any Christmas presents. And while they're marching in their solemn but unified line several million disgruntled children will proceed to pelt them debris laden ice balls. It will be an ugly seen. And Santa won't even need to leave the comforting of busom Mrs. Claus to win this fight. He'll watch it all on the Claus News Network reclining in his easy chair. "More milk and cookies dear..."

- J.Meyer

Santa vs elves,teamsters,and reindeers.......... hmmm..... first of all, Santa is fat and really old and no shape to fight.... second.... he is up against angry elves, reindeers, and teamsters..... the winner is.. drumroll, please.

The elves! I don't know about anyone else, I sure wouldn't want to make a bunch of elves angry, they may look harmless, but they are really ruthless, cold blooded death machines, pissed off by the man, Santa. Then there are the reindeer, how would you like if someone had you and your fellow reindeer tied to a sled, whipped, and forced to fly all day and night. As for the teamsters, can anyone say "Jimmy Hoffa?", because he'll be found frozen next year wearing cement boots. Sorry, no milk and cookies for you this, only coal and reindeer droppings....

- duke of death

Personally, I don't know who will win, but I will say that I am rooting for the teamsters.

This is a classical case of one person, in this case, Santa Claus, taking on too much power and trying to cash in on the commercialization of Christmas at the same time. I mean, if anyone should be able to carry the banner for the spirit of Christmas, it should be good ole' St. Nick. But noooo, he tries to make a quick buck while stepping on all the little people (pun intended) that made his success possible.

After all, if you can't trust Santa, who can you trust? And who is there to act as a checks and balances system for the not-so-jolly- anymore elf? Will the DOJ step in and try to break up his monopoly? I think he may be out of their jurisdiction.

To me, the key of who wins was not mentioned in the matchup. Where is Mrs. Claus? What does she think of this hairbrained idea? Which side does she back? If she backs Santa, then Christmas and the teamsters are doomed, but if she backs the teamsters and does all the things that wives do when they are trying to get their husbands to change their minds, then the teamsters have a very good chance of winning, and Christmas may be saved afterall.

It all depends on Mrs. Claus. If you are reading this, Mrs. Claus, please do the right thing and don't let a long-time Christmas tradition die a horrible, sickening death.

- Corfy

No one truly undertands what the elves are up aganist. Since around 1275 A.D. Kris realized that the world was goning to keep growing and that he was never going to be able to deliver all those wonderful gifts to the loving boys and girls around the world. The elves (being true union members) refused to take on the extra work load and left it to Nick. Santa was forced to seek outside assistnce. He found it in a band of Himalayan ninjas.

These ninjas made perfect cat burgurlars and could easily transport the packages to all of the world with their speed and numbers. Santa of course kept this low profile in order to keep the facade that he didn't need help or couldn't handle the task anymore. That and the ninjas hate publicity (the whole working in the shadows mentallity). Since then Santa has been able to keep his focus on the managerial aspect of his orginization, and the ninjas have been reciving market shares and freebies on cookies ever since.

The ninjas have since proved there worth as a highly efficent bodygaurding task force with an unlimited supply of metabolic energy from years of cookie comsumption. It was proved in the giant huskie stampede of 1803 when Santa's whole orginization was almost wiped out from a tidal wave of frightened pooches. The cause of which was later found to be a disgruntled elf who was angry at the working conditions.

The elves must come to grips that they are only skilled at factory work and not legal or physical battles with the red polar army. The martial fighting force that has been under the command of Kringle is unstoppable, and Santa has been running this company for over a millinea. No band of surly dwarfs can mess with the military or legal might that is Santa Claus. The elves and associates have finally gotten what they desrevre from years of grumbling and whining. They have taken for granted St.Nick, thinking that they are neccasry to the Christmas equation. They have to accept there fate as extras in fantasy movies and Las Vegas magic performers.

- B-O-X

Santa Wins. He moves the entire workshop down to Antartica, because South Pole elves and magical flying penguins will work longer hours for ice-shavings. To increase productivity, Santa will set up his own web site ("") to receive christmas lists and to ship out toys or coal to the children. The sleigh will be replaced by a leer jet (Santa 1) and all shipping orders will be localized to various regions around the world to guarantee arrival before Christmas.

Eventually, Santa will come to a settlement with the Northern Elves. In return to dropping their case against "The Clause", Santa will set up middle management jobs for his old crew, with nice 300 yr. pensions, all the tights they can handle, full dental benefits provided by Herbie, and generous vacation packages. The reindeer will be slaughtered one night as a sign to keep everyone in line.

Santa, Inc(TM). eventually goes public on the New York Stock Exchange and becomes #2 on Fortune magazine's richest people in the world (come on, he's not beating Bill Gates). He eventually settles down to his tropical island (Christmas Island) for the summers with Mrs. Claus and begins writing his memoirs entitled, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I'm rich!"

- Budo (naughty list)

With a stalemate in the negotiations, the White House intervenes and agrees to mediate the dispute. With the President in the pockets of organized labor, you know it's a foregone conclusion that he is going to insist on a settlement favorable to the Teamsters. Not to mention the fact that Santa has given heavily to George W. Bush's campaign to get a break on his environmental record in Texas.

So Bill's support gets the Reindeer and the Elves a sweet deal on job re-training, attrition based re-structuring, and stock options included in Santa's new internet start up "E-Mas".

- Rohan

Dear Mr. Santa Claus,

As a stockholder, I applaud your move and wonder why you didn't consider it sooner. It is any corporation's mission to make more money. When anything--including employees--gets in the way, it is the CEO's responsibility to remove that barrier.

It is unfortunate to hear that some employees and their accomplices have tried to prevent your move. This is simply evidence these "workers" have no loyalty and feel no responsibility toward their employer. A team player would have gladly sacrificed his job for the good of the company, but these people did not. In fact, they've made matters worse by demanding higher wages, benefits (both financial AND health!), and, if you can believe it, safe working conditions. "Boo whoo! I lost a hand at work today!" What a bunch of whiners! It would do them good to thicken their skin! Why, just this morning, Jeeves lost both his legs feeding my pet tiger. Did he complain? No! In fact, he's the one to whom I'm dictating this letter.

I think it is important to remind your workers that this actually benefits them! It gives them a wonderful opportunity to find better jobs! I'm sure there are plenty of places with kings' wages for reindeer and elves--probably right in the North Pole vicinity! You've given them the gift of freedom! It's the chance of a lifetime! And all they do is whine! "I can't feed my family! I can't clothe my children!" Feel-good liberal heart-bleeding isn't going to pay the mortgage on my vacation home! Someone needs to teach them some responsibility! Kudos to you, Mr. Claus, for doing that!

In conclusion, Mr. Claus, thank you for your fine effort. I look forward to your leading Santa Enterprises for years to come!

Yours truly,

- Mark Wentz,

I was the 8th voter!

I voted for Santa. He brings me presents.

On the other hand, the Teamsters beat up Don Adams, the elves fall under the ADA and are therefore partly responsible for all the stupid ramps all over the place, and the reindeer spread Lyme disease and ought to be cooked for dinner

- Rodney at Free Republic

Somewhere in Santa's main lobby, elves, reindeer, and teamsters pace with signs. All of a sudden a loud clicking sound is heard. A pair of big black boots are shown running into the lobby, jumping off of a wall, and then kicking an elf right in the face.
Random reindeer: Son of a b***h, its Kringle!
As the picketers reach for guns, most are shot immediately by the uzis Santa pulls out of his coat. As he sheds layer after of layer of random guns after unloading them, teamsters start dropping like flies. Santa starts dodging bullets in slo-mo(tm), then flips off of the ceiling, pulls out 2 shotguns, and blows away the attackers in mid-air.
Santa: Merry Christmas, mutha f***ers......
Ever since I saw The Matrix(tm) this little dream has been playing over and over in my mind. The bottom line is that I need help.... well, that and don't mess with Santa or he'll stick a lump of coal where the sun don't shine.

- Shaft (I've had waaaay to many Christmas cocktails)

Why did I vote for the Claus? Did you see the Xmas Futurama??? "Santa Claus is gunning you down!" Pretty jolly, huh? A guy who screams, "I'll shove coal so far up your stocking, you'll be coughing up diamonds," is not someone you screw with.

Point 2: Going up against the Claus gets you on the Naughty List. Sure, some types of naughty gets better presents, but this kind of naughty gets you ornament grenades. I don't want that. Vote Claus.

- Iris

WHO THE HELL DOES FAT BOY THINK HE IS?!! I mean yeah sure so businesses are replacing everything with robotics these days! Why does he have to be a sheep? Why can't he break the cycle? Besides cold heartless machines just don't have the magic touch when it comes to making toys. Tehy put that little something nice for all the girls and boys, giving them light hearts and happy thoughts.

And now, since I'm getting to into this and am 14, (pathetic), I shall leave before I lose my dignity like those poor elves!.....GOOD BYE!

- megan L.

The elves, reindeer and teamsters quit, and go work for Hanukkah. They figure they'd get more money if they worked for an eight- day holiday.

- Charge Man

Fellows, the deciding factor here should be obvious. But obviously, it is not obvious, so it is my solemn duty to enlighten you.

"How," one might ask, "does Santa make all these deliveries in one night?" The answer, is, of course,


Not the lamby-pamby David Copperfield type of magic, not even the Gandalf type of magic. No, this is the far greater force of True Magick. And so, in this rigid, near-static reality of ours, a big factor to contend with is Consensus. That's right, there are Millions of kids out there who straight-up, absolutley, irrevocable BELIEVE that Santa will be making his rounds. No kid gives half a shit about the elves or reindeer, just Santa. Did you ever stay up late Christmas Eve to catch a glimpse of the reindeer? No, you were looking for Santa. At the mall, while waiting impatiently in line, were you staring at the elves? (i mean when you were a kid, before you started noticing how short their furry little skirts are, you perv!) No, your eyes were transfixed on Santa. So St. Nick has lots of collective belief on his side. Santa's second advantage? *The Technocracy.* That's right, Santa's gone Technocrat. He replaced his elves and reindeer with Technology. Everybody knows that hand-made is good for wooden rocking horses, but kids today want mass-marketed, molded plastic, 3000+ parts (some assembly required, my ass) toys, and NO ONE is going to believe that can be done by anything but a machine. So, by going with the flow, The Man in Red will find his task even easier.

I predict that the elves are locked up in Paradox before they even reach the gate.

- ~the Stranger

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(excerpt from the Arctic Circle Daily)

I envision little Billy reaching into his Christmas stocking, eyes wide with delight, and pulling out a handful of elf parts peppered with tufts of white beard. He has 10 seconds to comply.

- GoWhalers

Santa brings us Christmas. Christmas brings retailers lots and lots of money. Thus, retailers won't permit a strike to last long. So, they'll send in the Seattle PD to tear gas the elves, reindeer and teamsters while bringing in a new bunch. They are replacable, after all. Santa can simply outsource his toy-making operations to developing nations and replace the reindeer with "cooler" methods of flying transportation, such as a stealth fighter tastefully colored in reds and greens.

Santa is the 800 pound saint-gorilla of the holidays, a brand name that must be protected at all costs. If he can overshadow the birthday of that Jesus fellow, he's sure as hell not going to let a little worker strike get in his way.

- tuffy

I believe I speak for consumers everywhere when I say SANTA CLAUS MUST DIE!

We shoppers go out into the nutty, crazy, entirely unenjoyable things so well-named 'mauls' and wade through a tide of unwashed humanity, all in search of a few insanely useless 'toys' like Beanie Baby Furby or Squeeze-My-Stuffing-Out Elmo, then drive home through the pouring rain (it's just not Christmas without snow!) and twenty-four hour Holiday rush traffic, somehow stuff the demented thing into a box and try to put colorful stuff and ribbons around it without dying from a hundred papers cuts or accidentally taping an arm permanently to it, then manage to stick it under the tree without impaling appendages on those well-named 'needles,' then wait in helpless anticipation for the big day when little snot-nosed kiddies tear up all our hard work, squeeze their Wrestlemania Action-Figure, and yell, "THANK YOU SANTA!"

I mean, really. A LITTLE CREDIT, PLEASE!

(No, I don't hate Christmas, I hate what's been done to it, all the commericialism and pagan worship laid at the feet of that corpulent elf. I love the true meaning behind the holiday, really I do, quit saying 'Bah, Humbug!' and thrusting mugs of hot cider and eggnog at me, I really don't like it, cut it out now, I mean it, GO AWAY YOU SLIMY DESPISER OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT AND GOOD, thank you, okay.)

And now, having calmed down a little, I leave you with my last thought:


- Laura of Maychoria, disgruntled ruler of an alternate universe where shopping doesn't exist. YOU WANNA GIVE A PRESENT, MAKE IT YOURSELF, IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS YOU IMBECILE!

14 Days 'til Christmas 
     Mr. Claus, CEO of Santa Enterprises, paced nervously as he 
awaited the arrival of his unknnown guest.  The voice on the phone 
said that he could provide "assistance" in his dealings with the 
     "Are you a lawyer?" Claus had asked. 
     "Not exactly," the voice replied. "I'm a problem solver.  I make 
troubles go away." 
     Sipping his now cold cocoa, Claus sat as a knock resounded at 
his door.  The husky man's voice cracked as he bid the person on the 
other side of the door to enter. 
     The door opened and a pint-sized man in a pinstripe suit walked 
in and sat across form Claus' desk. 
     "Say aren't you...?" Claus began. 
     "Yes," said the wee man, lighting a cigar. "I'm an elf.  They 
call me 'Big Joey'.  But let's not talk about me.  Word is the 
teamsters have you on the ropes." 
     "Uh... yes," Claus confirmed uneasily. "At this rate, there's no 
way I can get everything out by Chirstmas!  Those picket lines are 
thick! Short... but thick just the sa-" 
     "So, you want these people... 'handled'?" 
     "Yes... I believe so... yes... definitely yes!" 
     "Very well," said Joey, crawling from his seat and starting 
towards the door. "We'll be in touch... Nicky."  With that, the elf 
left, leaving Claus to his worried stupor. 
7 Days 'til Christmas 
     Claus busied himself with mounds of paperwork and phone calls. 
NOw that Christmas was back on schedule, the strike behind him, there 
was much to do.  He was so busy that he barely heard the opening of 
his office door and the scurrying of feet to the chair across from 
the desk.  Claus immediately hung up and faced his "miracle-worker" - 
Big Joey. 
     "What can I do for you today, Joey?" questioned Claus, his usual 
jovial manner restored. 
     "I've come to collect, Nicky," Joey replied, his dry, Italian 
voice ringing in Claus' ears. 
     "Of course," Claus replied, caught off-guard by Joey's tone. 
"And... how many fruitcakes can I get you?" 
     Joey chuckled. "I don't think you get it, Nicki.  We're into 
something a little more... universal.  You know... cash?" 
     "Oh, well, I just spent hundreds of dollars on a new 767 jet for 
faster delivery." 
     Joey jumped onto Claus' desk, jamming his cigar into the fat 
man's face. "You listen here, Nicky.  I will have my fee.  All of 
it.  If you're smart, maybe even a bit more.  By the twenty-fourth, 
Nicky.  No later!"  Joey then proceeded to shove his cigar into 
Claus' mouth and storming out the door. 
'Twas the Night Before Chirstmas 
     Claus was positive that he'd thrown Joey off.  Absconding to the 
South Pole was a sure bet... he'd thought.  But apparently the double 
had tipped the little man off.  There he stood, Uzi in hand, at 
Claus' new igloo. 
     "You disappoint me, old man," he said, looking menacing. "I take 
it my money's not in yet?" 
     "Well... no... I..." 
     "That's all I needed to hear.  Hey!  Silver!  Sleigh!  Jingle!" 
Three large men appeared behind him.  The first, a slick oily man 
with sterling silver teeth, smiled at Claus and pulled out a silver 
switch.  The second, looking more like a rough outdoorsman than the 
others, pulled an axe adorned with a line of round bells.  The third, 
idiotic but strong, was heavily decorated with smaller round bells 
all over his outfit.  He carried an ice pick. "Mr. Claus, meet 
Silver, Sleigh and Jingle - the Bells Brothers.  I'm gonna let 
them deal with you, fat man. 
     Claus began to scream pathetically as the large men entered his 
igloo, laughing all the way (HAHAHA!). 
     "And, boys..." Joey began.  Claus leaped inwardly for joy at the 
thought of him living again. "...Make sure the kiddies know why 
Christmas was cancelled, k, boys?" 

- Mr. Potato Head

I'm probably not saying anything here that you don't already know, but Santa Claus is obviously a dark minion of the underworld. Here's my proof:

1. Rearrange the letters in Santa and you get Satan.

2. By promising presents to boy and girls that he never intends to deliver he leaves it to the parents to go to the local Toys 'R' Us with shotgun in hand to try and grab the toy of the moment to keep the little snot-noses happy. Santa inspires greed, violence, and rampant consumerism.

3. By working only once a year Santa supports slothfulness and lazy work practices.

4. Santa employs slave labor (elves), mistreats animals by force feeding them magical drugs to make them fly, and avoids taxes by living in the North Pole. Not only is the guy evil, he's an asshole.

5. Did I mention magic? Well hey, everyone knows witchcraft is a tool of Satan. Let's burn Santa at the stake!

Of course, the Teamsters are tools of alien suppresion and invasion. Here's my proof:

1. Rearrange the letters in Teamsters and you get ET Masters. Extra- Terrestrial Masters! It's all right there in the name, they're coming to enslave us all!

2. By promising union members benefits that they never intend to delver, the Teamsters extort union dues from the paychecks of all the hopeless dupes who mindlessly follow them, providing their alien plot with unlimited funding.

3. By encouraging union members to be as lazy and unproductive as possible while extorting the highest possible salary and benefits from employers the undermine the American capitalist system, setting us all up enslavement from beyond the stars!

4. The Teamsters employ gangsters (Jimmy Hoffa, etc.), mistreat animals (blue collar workers) and avoid taxes by claiming to be a non- profit orginazation despite all the money they make off of organized crime.

5. Everyone knows the Mafia is just one of many tools of alien invasion. Don't you watch the X-Files?

I don't really have an opinion on who'll win, I just wanted to set you guys straight. This fight is really Satan vs. Alien Invaders, no Santa vs. The Teamsters. Get it right next time, sheesh!

- Don "King" Milliken

Well, kiddies, gather 'round the fire, 'cause Granpaw Tracer is gonna tell you about the Christmas the little guys stood up against the MAN" and kicked his flabby ass from here to Antarctica.

Well, look at it this way: Santa's elves have always been mad at the big guy because of just that; they've always been Santa's elves. Several hundred years of living in St. Nick's shadow would be enough to piss anyone off.

Also, the elves have been constantly making and improving their toys in mass quantities for as long as they've been in work. Their secret? They're always one step ahead of the public. Is it so implausible that the little guys in green have advanced technology such as lasers, I ask? Well, maybe. But not that far off.

- Tracer "Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Fight!" Malone

OK, that's it! Santa has gone too far this time.

I have chafed silently every friggin' year at the audacity of His Royal Fatness totally usurping the Reason for the Season, but NO MORE!!!!! Anybody senile enough to go mano-a-mano against the Son of God deserves to be put in his place, once and for all!!!!

I refer to my ex-college roommate's conspiracy theory: that Santa Claus is a Communist plot to brainwash the minds of children everywhere and reprogram them to totally ignore the true meaning of Christmas. Heck, the very name of "Santa" could be nothing more than a screwed up mistranslation of his real name...after all he DOES wear a red suit and probably gets his horns from the reindeer. And HEL- LO???? Observe the first 6 letters of CHRISTmas....without Him, there IS no Christmas, and Santa AIN'T GOT NO MO' JOB!

Thank God for kids like Linus, who STILL hasn't capitulated to this satanic (or should I say "Santanic") propaganda even after all these years. Workers of the North Pole -- UNITE!

I close with a quote from Jane Fonda ("9 to 5"): "Bye Bye, Boss's quittin' time"... >:)

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

Okay. Yet again, I will be the voice of reason that settles this 
little Yuletide brouhaha. 

Let's look at each side's track record. 

SANTA CLAUS - Good on-time delivery record. 
ELVES, REINDEER - See above. 
TEAMSTERS - Generally lazy fat slobs. 

Looks like Santa's one up on the oppressed commoners. But let's go on 
to what these groups do in times of crisis. 

SANTA CLAUS - In most TV movies, requires the help of children. Has 
also needed help from the likes of Tim Allen and The Tick. 
ELVES - Every once in a while, one of them needs the help of Santa or 
a kid...but for the most part, they're self-sufficient. 
REINDEER - Work through it. In Rudolph's case, shun the expectations 
of those who look down on him and rise to the call of duty. 
TEAMSTERS - Inflict savage and serious harm on all those who stand in 
their way. 

We're even this time. But we're ignoring one essential factor: 

Santa Claus has the season of giving motivating him. 
But with the Teamsters pointing out to the Elves and Reindeer how 
little they've been paid for such hard work and how poorly they're 
treated, WE HAVE RAGE (tm)! That's right, the Spirit of Christmas is 
no match for the Spirit of 15-Minute Breaks Every Two Hours and 
Overtime As Time-And-A-Half! 

Santa's twisted regime is destined to be unionized, and his despotic 
reign shall come to a close! LONG REIGN THE WORKING CLASS, FOR THEY 

....pant, pant... 

More eggnog... 

- Istanbul

I found out in third grade that Santa doesn't exist. Kinda tough to win a battle against the pointy eared Mafia when you don't exist, huh?

- Kilgore Trout

Ask a handful of people on the street whether or not they believe in Santa Claus. You'll find that, with a few exceptions, most of the people who say "yes" are children. In fact, I think it's pretty safe to say that Santa Claus exists only in the minds of small chidren. Therefore, anything that small children think about Santa must be true.

I had the liberty recently of asking my five-year-old cousin what Santa does on Christmas. Much to my surprise, he informed me that Santa stays at home, alone, eating pies. Furthermore, he felt it worth noting that Santa's toys are made by not just elves, but adult elves.

To the casual reader, this may point to a victory for the elves. However, since Santa exists, this must be taking place in the mind of a child, and any five-year-old would have a happy, childlike man who eats pies beat adults.

Also, we can't forget the fact that Santa is a time-traveling alien Nazi sent from the future.

- Vermin Boy (Oh, and happy Kwanzukkahmadanmas to all!)

There will be only one loser in this fight: the millions of kids worldwide.

- Bubba

The humanity... sorry kids but I'm afraid Santa will be dropped down the chimney in bite-sized chunks. Aside from teamster "negotiators" Vinnie and Da Boys, aside from the fact that Claus's sled is equipped to be Boeing-compatible in the Airbus age, I'm afraid Santa has a long, long list of enemies just waiting for a crack at his skull.

Bad children of the world, unite! That's right, fatass, you should have been using the toys to placate the naughty kids instead of rewarding the little goody-two-shoes wimps. While you were out delivering chemistry sets and Barbie Dream Houses to the chess-club losers and AV-squad geeks of the world, you were snubbing the bad seeds, violent children and kids who took a gasoline can to their G.I. Joe's. Now you've got every bully, ritalin-deprived hyperactive and gun-toting high schooler looking to get you back for that rocket launcher that never showed up on Christmas morning. Never mind the fact that those Columbine losers only managed to get 15 confirmed kills in a target-rich environment, we'll have no problem capping your ass.

And a lot of us are grown up now, Santa. A lot of us have firearms licenses and large gun collections we've been polishing and tending just in anticipation of the day we could put a 9mm hole in your skull for every Nintendo game, Ninja Turtle Accessory or Pokemon character that we didn't find under the Christmas tree. Me and my socially maladjusted comrades will be happy to show you why nice guys always finish last, and heavily hemorraged.

I still want that giant nite-glow slot track from the JCPenny catalog,

- The next time you make a list of who's naughty and nice, don't piss the naughty ones off.

Santa hasn't got a chance. He stands for peace on earth, goodwill to men, be nice and not naughty, et cetera, et cetera.

The Elves, on the other hand, have allied themselves with the Teamsters, the legitimate face of an Evil Empire™. After kneecapping the trusting old man (and the elves are at the perfect height for that), the Teamsters will co-opt Santa's organization and deploy their own being-whose-continued-existence-is-subject-to- debate-and-speculation™, Jimmy Hoffa (kept on ice for years awaiting just such an opportunity).

Watch for a drastic change in holiday ethical reinforcement in the coming years.

- Cap'n Mike

just one....poisoned....cookie.... *THUNK*

and FatBoy is gone.

- risa

The Teamsters will break for coffee almost immediately, thus removing 
themselves from the equation. 
That leaves us with Santa vs. Elves and Reindeer. 
The reindeer will attempt to gore Santa with their thousand-pronged 
antlers (as you know, they get a new prong every year and they appear 
to be immortal) but he will counter with his famous catch-phrase: 
"On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prander, on Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on 
Donder and Blitzen!" 
The deer will collapse into an internal debate about why Dasher 
always gets to be first, and why it appears that Blitzen and Donder 
always have to be on the bottom.  Eventually they will all turn on 
Rudolph, the only one of them not named in the roll-call and 
therefore their enemy. 
That leaves us with Santa vs. Elves. 
Jelly-like Santa may be, but the sheer number of the elves will force 
him to, well, lay a finger to the side of his nose and run like hell 
for the hills. 
The elves win the hour, and get to return to their lives of painful 
drudgery and thankless slavery.  And there was much rejoicing... 

- Myself

Santa. For one reason: The Bun-Bun Factor.

Now who is Bun-Bun, you ask? Simple, he's the mini-lop rabbit in the online Sluggy Freelance comic strip. This isn't your ordinary cute bunny, though. He's a switchblade packin mother*()&^$ who is thankful for "THE RIGHT TO SHOOT ALL TELEMARKETERS ON SITE! (But then aren't we all?)" If I were to piss this bunny off I may as well say goodbye to this world. But anyway..

The past two Christmas seasons, Santa has not only taken on Bun-Bun (Actually INSTIGATING the confrontation the first time) TWICE, he's SURVIVED both encounters. ANYONE who can take on the King of Mini- Lops and live to tell about it gets my vote.

- Dark "Time to die, nerd boy!" Fact

Santa has a little secret that can be determined by careful examination. He's a well dressed white guy who likes to make out lists, knows who's been naughty or nice, and has a liking for the color red. He also can afford to deliver millions of toys to children each year for free without any apparent financial difficulty, and manage to make it into countries without any trouble with customs. This can mean only one thing; Santa is a member of the Mafia. Obviously they use his "charitable toy contributions" as a tax coverup for the IRS, and his smuggling setup can bring in stolen goods and drugs under the cover of "Christmas presents". Certainly a truly genius move by La Familia to score points with the community while covering their illegal gains. Now it doesn't take much knowledge of history to learn that when La Cosa Nostra and teamsters clash, the union boys tend to wind up with a few "object lessons"; I figure after a mysterious epidemic of kneecap injuries and some unfortunate incidents with elf labor leaders going to "sleep with the polar bears", those elves are gonna take wisdom from some wise guys and fall into line right quick. The little shrimps aren't exactly tough enough to do much else, and with the North Pole being outside the US and thus beyond the jurisdiction of the Untouchables, Made Man Santa is going to have it made here...

- "Mad Dog" Mike

On the surface, this looks like a very even match, but proper analysis shows that Santa will break this strike as easily as the Packers would break the defensive line of Munchkin State University.

He could call his buddies at Norad and their buddies at Alaskan Air Command could air-drop the needed materials within hours.
He could call his buddies at the networks and have them rush something to air that makes the reindeer and elves look bad to the all-important soccer moms. I'm thinking something starring Judith Light with a title like Blood in the Snow, Blood in the Workshop or The Reindeer Were Restless: The Battery of Jenna Hardy.
He could call his buddies the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future and have them take Jimmy Hoffa Jr. for a little midnight tour of the end zone at the Meadowlands. Hey, they'd just be showing him around, any charge that they're implying he might end up like his Dad (buried under the goalpost in a 55 gallon drum) if he's not careful would be reprehensible slander. Why, the very idea of such a scurrilous accusation, and at Christmas!

But he won't do any of that, because he knows that conflicts are won and lost on the home front. Think of what the average Teamster's wife is going through. She is enduring constant whining from her kids. Santa's not coming because of Dad, all their friends are making their lives hell because of it, and they know they can't put in a good word with any of His Jolliness' helpers, because of the sympathy counterstrike by department store Santas across North America. And they know that even if the strike breaks, they're probably going to be on the Lump-O-Coal Sanction List at the North Pole until 2010. Meanwhile, She's probably getting the cold shoulder from her friends (they have to listen to the same brattiness) and co-workers. If John Q. Teamster wants to get back into his bedroom this century, he'll fix the problem. By 18 December (tops!!) the Teamsters have no choice but to leave their working brethren high and dry, because they've got more scabs than all the knees and elbows in America's elementary schools.

- Mr. Silverback sent this response from his Y2K bunker. Hey, what if those Canadians let a nuke get loose?

This match actually took place about 25 years ago, when Local 1 of The Reindeer Union went on strike, led by Jimmy Hoffa". Santa hired the North Pole Mafia, dark elves who keep the world away from his operation...

Jimmy Hoffa got wrapped up in a green and red box with a gold bow and put under the 50-yard line of Giants Stadium.

The North Pole Mafia will make Rudolph "disappear", will cause a few elf houses to "spontaneously combust" and will in short put the fear of Claus back into the hearts of the workers, who will go back meekly to a reduction in pay and an increase of hours, for fear of the North Pole Mafia, especially after the North Pole Mafia (led by Devin the Mental Hospital Elf-scapee) give Brendan a ten-ton lump of coal in his stocking ... cap

- The Griffon Master, Tristan Robert J. Pratt (proud member of the LotMU")

Gotta go with the Elves, Reindeer, & teamsters....yeah I know Santa is a magical, mystical creature, but damnit, you dont @#$% with the unions......and you think ole saint nick would just be playing with 3 unions?......hell no, cause unions stick together......not only will he have to contend with the Teamsters, but he'll also have to play with the United Auto workers and (my favorite) the ILWU....would you want to mess with a pissed off 300 lb Slavic Dockworker named Gregor?......I think not. The night after Santa tries to break the strike with scab elves he'll be found hanging from some kids chimney with a dockworkers hook in his back

- Amish Commando

This match will go to the union and it will do so for two reasons:

1. Santa doesn't have the cleverness and ruthlessness to be an effective union buster. Have you ever, in all the Christmas specials and stories ever see Santa make a threat, let alone carry it out? Even in the "South Park" pilot, he is talked out of continuing a fight by a third-grader. So, there is no danger that Santa will do to elves and reindeer what Ronald Reagan did to the air traffic controllers union.

2. This is no ordinary union that Santa is going up against. It is the Teamsters. Guess who the current president of the union is? That's right, Hoffa the younger! And if this guy is a chip off the old block, the Teamsters have very powerful allies indeed. If the negotiations don't go well, a couple of "goodfellas" will take a trip to the North Pole and all sorts of "accidents" will start to happen. Perhaps the sleigh will spontaneously explode, a warehouse burn to the ground, Santa finding the head of his favorite pet in bed with him one morning... that sort of thing. And since most FBI agents (except maybe Mulder and Scully) do not even believe in the existence of Santa, the Feds will be of no help here since they will not believe crimes have been committed. So, Santa will either yield or a) have his red suit replaced with a concrete one; b) wind up in a dumpster somewhere; c) or get a piano wire neck massage.

- The Demented Astronomer

Let's see...

Looks like we're not talking about Jolly Old Saint Nick, but Bealzabub, the Prince of Darkness. Not that this is an advantage, really... Both Ernest P. Worrel and Tim Allen were capable of taking over for him, so it can't be THAT hard at all.
The deciding element in their fight is when Hermes, the Dentist Elf, extracts all of Satan Claus's teeth, preventing him from ever eating another cookie in his life. Poor bugger.

- MonkeyDog Santa's also a pedophile, I forgot to mention that. When else do children ever line up to sit on a grown man's lap?

There is no Santa Claus, but there are reindeer and teamsters. The "there ares" will always beat out the "there are nots." (It's simple logic. No matter what, when you have one thing and not another, the one thing is going to out-do the the thing that you don't have.)


Santa is fat.

Santa is round.

What do you think major corporations do to strikers?

They roll right over them.

- Thomas Wilde

If this were the 50's, it would be one thing. Jimmy Hoffa would make a call to Sam Giacana, Santa would be waking up with his knees broken and Rudolph's head in his bed. But the days where Santa would be spending his retirement in a ditch underneath Sun Valley are long over.

- Smyorg

John, Jeff, Christmas is not the time for ugly politics and picketlines. Christmas is the time for learning important life lessons from small children as violins play. As this match is on the internet, our small children of the day are Katharine Jennifer Gates and her kid bro Rory Johnathon.

"Kris," Katharine says in an adorable, sweet, saccharine voice, "there is no conflict between paying your workers and maintaining high profit lines. All you have to do is keep up your market share."

Kringle smiles. The elves smile. And on Christmas day, all the good little boys and girls awake to presents--and all those naughty Jews, Hindus and others who will not participate in the American Way(TM) have vanished.

- The Lone Capitalist

Ever seen elf bowling? It's a game where Santa takes out the little green guys in an icy bowling alley while they're mooning the big guy in red. In the midst of their "Who's your daddy?" chant, they are decapitated in merry carnage by Santa's ball, (no, not that kind of ball...) and Christmas cheer rturns. Afterwards Santa Co. would have some serrious employment problems. Keebler would crackle deviously as their Evil Elf Leader (TM)would settle a personal score with Santa for taking home Mrs. Claus, who is secretly a coookie- bakin'-babe.


The elves don't stand a chance. As they start preparing for their fight, Santa fires the lot of them a la Reagan. He then hires some Mexican workers for the few positions that actually require someone with a pulse to oversee them. He winds up spending only pennies on the dollar, blessing NAFTA all the way. In fact, he's been looking at moving his entire operation to a more tropical area; Mrs. Claus wants to work on her tan, and Santa wants to give all those "naughty" girls in bikinis one last chance to earn their presents.

- Adric

The closest possible match to this fight is "Homer Simpson VS Reindeer" in the Simpsons episode "Homer's Phobia" In that ep Homer, a usually quite jolly fat man was severely tenderised by a bunch of reindeer. I predict that the same will happen here.

Note that while it is true Homer was eventully saved by a Santa robot, the Santa in this match is not a Japanese toy and thus will not have inbuilt rocket launchers and a voice that would make Daleks cringe.

Reindeers, elves and teamsters in the time it takes to moan "just my bones... and organs..."

- Scotty

As much as the ideology behind the Elves & Co.'s fight for financial stability is appealing, my vote is for the jolly old fat man himself.

Firstly, because he drinks Coke.

Finally, Santa knows who's been bad and who's been good. As much as in the past he hasn't cared, I'm willing to bet that if the Elves take him down, there will be a lot of Ground Zero voters placed on the Naughty List(TM).

So in the interest of a stocking stuffed with goodies: the Elves are going nowhere with this, but out in the cold.

- Martin, trying to think of a witty pseudonym

I voted for Santa, mainly because I hate the teamsters for making by boss golf instead of making it to company events.

- Peter Smith

The date is December 25th. I, and everyone else I know, got Christmas presents. Therefore Santa won.

- Charge Man

When Santa saw revolt in his peasants, 
he quickly flew off like a feasant. 
The reindeer were punted, 
where HotBranch! had hunted, 
and Jeff got some coal for a present. 

- Charge Man

With a confrontation like this, involving such a famous person, there's only one way it can be fought out: on the battleground of public opinion. And that spells certin victory for Santa.

The Teamsters and reindeer will expect to have the media on their side. It's labor unions and animal-rights activists, after all. How could the impartial (snort) network anchors and fair-minded (chortle) investigative reporters not rally to their cause?

Well, that's easy. Santa Claus trumps them all. He is identified with the single greatest social and cultural imperative of our time: getting something for nothing. No less than political satirist and bomb-thrower P. J. O'Rourke explicated this in his introduction to Parliament of Whores, entitled "Why God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat." Nothing in our touchy-feely, 'if-it-feels-good-do-it', 'felonies?-what-felonies?' mindset would be more threatening than having someone derail the gravy train and deprive us of the multitudinous goodies we deserve just for being us.

{Think about it: white-haired fat guy who sits in judgment of us(yet permits no examination of his motives), doling out largesse to those he finds worthy by his own wholly subjective standards. Sounds like precedent is on his side.}

He can't lose. We won't permit him to lose. We'll be told the elves don't have enough diversity in their hiring; that Dasher has an ilegitimate fawn; that Blitzen smokes. We'll believe it all, and gleefully help in hounding them to ruin. And yes, we will get our toys on Christmas Day.

- Call me Shane

Well, this is quite a matchup.

Santa is gonna get his ass kicked. For one thing the Elves and the Reindeer have the RAGE(tm) He would have won if the Teamsters wern't involved, but they are. So, I give the Man in the Red Suit about 20 seconds before his suit is made even redder as a result of broken kneecaps, slashes with straight razors, bullets to the elbows,and bite marks form the Coca-Cola(tm) polar bears after he is given the Cement Sendoff. Mrs. Claus is snet over to Space Moose's place (like the obscure reference?) in Edmonton where she is later found beaten and sodomized. But what About Christmas? Well, Santa Claus is replaced by Santa Giuseppe and instead of coal, the bad kids get knecapped. As a result, more kids become good, school shooting drop to zero, and John Gotti is put in the White House in 2000. Saddam Hussien has a "accident" while giving a speech from a high balcony, Slobadon Milosevich is kneecaped and shipped off to Space Moose for some humiliating punishment for his war crimes, and China gets really screwed over when a nuke "accidentaly" goes off in Bejing during a military parade. the world is at peace and a new peace is forged. in short, Elves, Reindeer, and Teamsters win and so does everybody.

- Howling Mad Murdock (The only Space Moose Fan in Wisconsin)

I think this very simple battle comes down to sheep physical force Let's break it down:

Elves-Small, fast and not very strong. But they have the numbers. Besides, what would be scarier than a horde of angry elves?

Reindeer-Even faster, strong, and have antlers. Pre-made weapons.

Teamsters-Fat, immobile and surly. The anchor of their side. They ain't moving for no one.

And against them:

Santa- A kindly, bad visioned(see the glasses), alchoholic(seen his nose?), fat really really really old man. He's at least a thousand.

Santa gets taken out phfat in no time flat.

- Big Daddy Walds

Whoever wins, I just hope they finish the damn thing before Christmas morning, because if they don't, all the kids who won't get their Pokémon toys will not be happy...

Gotta kill 'em all...

- The Black Shadow - Master of the Night and the 152nd Pokemon

Just came out of my coma... doctors say that the prolonged exposure to Matthew Broderick debate (c'mon Ferris and Insp. Gadget back-to- back) caused all vital systems to shutdown as a defensive measure.

Santa wins - as long as he isn't bringing me the Wargames DVD.

- Capital J

Thank you for having the new match up before the new year. If we all get killed we at least can call up the wwwf page and read by the glow of our radiation poisening, and the flashes of gunfire.

- Peanuts"Ho Ho F***ing Ho"Pat

On Moishe! 
On Schlomo! 
On Herschel! 
On Yitshak! 

It's Hannukah Harry to settle the score!

- Kung Fu Cellist

This way to the second page of responses...


The Final Word

Couldn't you have just named this match "Santa Claus VS. Santa Claus's Weight in Elves" ?

- Charlie

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Chucky v. Toy Story
Tasmanian Devil v. Paul Bunyan
Death v. Taxes

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ETA: Thursday, December 30th.

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