World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

Deep in his new lair somewhere under Disneyland, Dr. Evil addresses his cohorts at the main exposition table.

"My crack research staff has discovered that this 'One Ring'- [he makes exaggerated air-quotes] —or 'Ring of Power' actually did exist. This Sauron fellow appears to have been a man after my own heart. Once we obtain this ring, we'll have an unlimited energy source for my laser-sharks, which we can then unleash on the world's sea-lanes and—"

Scott Evil interrupts the nefarious rant. "Why waste the ring on laser-sharks? You can wield it yourself and—"

"Hey! Pipe down!"


"Pipe. Down. Anyway, once the Time Funnel has the proper time-space co-ordinates for this [air-quotes] 'Middle-Earth', I will be sending Mini-Me there to retrieve it. Fortunately, there's no chance that Austin Powers will pursue him. Painfully hip as he is, the clothing and music of Middle-Earth will be far too square for him to tolerate."

"So why not send all your henchmen to go find it?" Scott asks. "Why just Mini-Me? Okay, he's got a mean streak and a really nasty bite, but—"

Dr. Evil points at Scott. "Pipe down."

"No! If you won't send anyone to help him, I'll go myself. I can—"

"I said, pipe—" [he pushes a hidden button under the table] "-down." With leaden literalness, a length of pipe drops from the ceiling and brains Scott, knocking him cold.

Dr. Evil folds his hands. "Right, are there any more questions?"


In a dark, dripping cave in Middle-Earth, a small gray figure slinks about, clutching something in one bony hand.

"Did he see us, Precious? We tried to sneak away, but he may have been too tricksy for us. Nasty bald hobbit. We hates him! He wants to steal the Precious, but we won't lets him! It's ours. Kills him, we will, before he can takes it!" He scampers off to hatch his plans.

So, Brendan, which miniature miscreant will make off with the malevolent memento of Mordor?

Gollum, Lord of the Rings Mini-Me, Austin Powers

Gollum vs. Mini-Me

The Commentary

BRENDAN: The first thing to consider here is just how pathetic Gollum is. He spent decades with the most powerful magic item in all of Middle-Earth in his possession, and what did he do with it? Conquer the world? Tempt elf-queens with ultimate power? Pull amusing disappearing tricks on mooching relatives? No, he just spent decade after decade sitting around in a dank cave, staring at the ring. That's all he could come up with. A staggering lack of ambition and imagination. And then he still manages to lose the ring to the first petty thief that comes along. (To say nothing of the obvious implications of spending decades of obsessing over a yonic shaped ring. Gollum has almost a Shane-level need to get laid.)

By contrast, Mini-Me is a doer, a man of action. He's not afraid to mix it up with guys three times his size (or to fight dirty while doing so). He's survived the vacuum of space and the American penal system. And if the measure of a man is a man's measurement, then I've got just two words for you, 'kick stand'. Besides, being the miniature clone of an evil genius means Mini-Me has only one real weakness. A stubborn inability to follow the dictates of the Evil Overlord list. However, that is not going to be a problem here as it is well documented that evil overlords are only incapable of remembering the list's sage teachings when they go up against the hero. When fighting other villains, their brains are allowed to work. Thus, Mini-Me won't have to set up some elaborate death trap, involving a dead fish, a fat hobbit, and a sack of taters, to finish Gollum. Instead, he can just pull out a gun and shoot Gollum in the head. Mini-Me wins the ring easily and then can turn his attention back to his true goals, Beyonce Knowles, and Scott Evil's head as a soccer ball.

SHANE: Don't try to impute the mojo of the English Soccer Hooligans to Mini-Me, Brendan. It won't wash. And is the mundane fact that rings are circular such a freak-out, man? Just don't even think about where rings are worn, or we'll have to call in Dr. Ruth to talk you down.

Putting the Ring aside – there, there, Brendan – let's examine how Gollum can perform even without it. When the Fellowship goes through the Mines of Moria, we see nine stout-hearted men with swords, bows, axes, staves, and the occasional magical incantation barely getting through by the skin of their teeth and one Heroic Sacrifice, Obi-Wan Style. (Oh, and for amusement, reread the passage in Lord of the Rings where they first see the Balrog. Legolas screams like a girl. Hilarious.) We find out later that Gollum has followed them through, not only getting past the thousands of swarming orcs and the flaming Balrog unarmed, but managing to exit when the only bridge leading out was shattered ahead of him. Since this couldn't conceivably be a continuity error, it follows that Gollum possesses unfathomed depths of strength and cunning that let him creep unafraid where others must run. Compared to that, walloping one shrimpy clone will be no sweat.

As for Mini-Me just shooting him, two problems. First, Dr. Evil is too frickin' clueless to be straightforward when doing something really important (like killing Austin), and so will not have armed him. Second, even if Mini-Me were packing (and I mean the gun – oh, geez, someone call Dr. Ruth!), Gollum's split-personality mood swings would trigger the Evil Overlord Syndrome you mentioned at the critical juncture, stalling Mini-Me long enough for Bad Gollum to come back and throttle him.

I can only hope Non-Sex-Symbolism-Obsessed Brendan comes back as swiftly.

BRENDAN: Shane, Shane, Shane, I will spare you a devastating rebuke starring the words "Shane", "comes" and "swiftly", but that is as far as my mercy extends. Your arguments for Gollum shall be given no quarter.

Do you actually expect us to believe that Gollum is some kind of bad ass because he snuck around Moria avoiding combat? To quote Dr. Evil, "Riiiiiiight." By that logic Sweden must have been the toughest nation in 1940s Europe since they sat out the big one. Besides it's not like outperforming the Fellowship is such a great achievement anyway. What kind of adventuring party are they? 4 zero level hobbits. A mage who never cast any spells. No cleric at all. And they spend most of their time running from one hit die monsters. The Fellowship would be laughed away from any respectable gaming table.

As for Mini-Me, just because he's Dr. Evil's clone, doesn't make him identical. He's repeatedly been shown to be both braver and more straight forward than his pituitarily privileged progenitor. Just look at how Mini-Me is willing to actually take on Austin hand to hand, something Dr. Evil has never done. And when Mini-Me thought he was playing second fiddle to Scott, he took immediate, decisive action (defecting to the good guys) whereas Dr. Evil would just have gone crying to his therapy group. With no Dr. Evil to get in his way, Mini-Me will be running Middle Earth in a week.

SHANE: "One midget to rule them all..." Nope, sounds stupid, and would look even dumber on a ring. Now, while you get hog-piled by legions of Rings fans enraged at your comparing Tolkien's masterwork to that rip-off dice game (Gygax! We hates him forever!), I'll finish the easier task of demolishing your arguments.

A brave and straightforward Mini-Me suits the tricksy Gollum just fine. It's that much easier to set traps for someone you can depend on to walk right into them. Dr. Evil would know an elaborate deathtrap when he saw one, but you insisted on Mini-Me being his own man, and now he'll pay the penalty. While he's fighting free of some nameless ancient horror dwelling in the dark places of the world, Gollum will just attack him from behind, something he loves to do. And when it comes to infighting, especially over the Precious, I'll put Gollum's bite up against Mini-Me's any day. (Ooh, was that a spoiler?)

As for losing the Ring to Bilbo Baggins, there I will concede Gollum's one weakness. Accounts of the incident vary, but in short, he lost it via losing a riddling contest with that hobbit. (See what you learn when you do more than watch the movies?) If Mini-Me is sufficiently clever, and eloquent, he may walk away the winner after all. So let's hear him give it his best shot. Go on, Mini-Me, tell us a good one.

[The Sounds of Silence™]

As I thought. The end, ahem, comes swiftly for Mini-Me.

The Results

Gollum, Lord of the Rings

Gollum (4012 - 62.4%)

chews up

Mini-Me, Austin Powers

Mini-Me (2415 - 37.6%)

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Voter Comments


Both Gollum and Mini-me are mere puppets for the true force in this match; The Ring and its insidious powers.

Here are some things we know about the ring:

  • It's pure evil.
  • It wants to be found.
  • It has gobs of seductive power, particularly when the race of men is involved.
  • It poisoned Gollum's mind slowly over time, forcing him to dedicate every thought to it.
  • It ultimately betrays those who dedicate themselves to it.
Basically, the ring is a beautiful woman.

So what do you think the ring is going to do in this situation? Stick with Gollum, who dedicates every waking thought to it, giving it security, calling it 'my precious,' and basically co-depending all over it? Or mysteriously 'slip off' and bounce right into the lap of the ambitious, well-endowed, stepping-stone to power that is Mini-me?

And no I'm not bitter.

- Mr_Pennybags

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Somewhere in Middle-Earth, near the end of the Third Age:

Gollum clutches at the rope around his neck.
Gollum: It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty Elves twisted it. Take it off us!
Sam: Quiet you! It's hopeless! Every Orc in Mordor's going to hear this racket! Let's just tie him up and leave him.
Gollum: No! That would kill us! Kill us!
Sam: It's no more than you deserve!
Frodo: Maybe he does deserve to die, but now that I see him, I do pity him...

Somewhere in Lower-Middle Earth, near the end of the Third Age:

Mini-Me walks behind Sam and Frodo making rude gestures and trying to catch Sam's attention. Mini-Me throws a stone that hits Sam; Sam turns around angrily and Mini-Me attempts his kickstand impression.
Sam: You little MOTHER... Frodo, I almost made this movie lose its PG-13 rating. It's useless. We won't get anywhere dragging this freak around. Let's just tie him up and leave him.
Frodo turns around and looks at Mini-Me. A look of compassion is in Frodo's eyes. Mini-Me begins to hump a nearby boulder and grunts like a beast.
Sam: It's no more than he deserves.
Frodo: Maybe he does deserve to die.
Mini-Me looks at Frodo and makes an obscene gesture involving three fingers and an orifice. The compassion fades from Frodo's eyes.
Frodo: But tying him up and leaving him would be a waste of rope. Forget the PG-13 rating. Let's make this f*cker squeal!!!
Frodo pulls out a blowtorch, Sam produces a pair of pliers, and both advance menacingly on Mini-Me, who humps the boulder obliviously.

Scene change to Earth. Dr. Evil wakes up with a startled shout, gets out of bed, washes his face, and crawls back into bed.
Dr. Evil: What a disgusting dream! I didn't think torture GOT any more evil than sharks with frickin' lasers and automatic pulleys! Well, no more pickled onions and cream-cheese before bed-time for me.

Dr. Evil goes back to bed and sleeps. Scene change back to Lower- Middle Earth, where Sam wipes a bit of dark, thick fluid from Frodo's cheek.
Sam: Rabbits nothin', Master Frodo! Lembas bread's never tasted so good. Now if only we had some taters.
Frodo grins and looks toward Mordor.
Frodo: Sam, when they tell stories about us, do you think they'll include every single detail?
Sam: I hope not, Master Frodo. I hope not.

- Robbb

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Mini-Me has successfully evaded several of Gollum's traps, and has managed to ambush and attack the Hobbit Formerly Known as Smeagol. As both are unarmed, this is a match of raw physical strength, and it's an even match. Both gasp for breath as each has wound their fingers around the other's throat. The first moment of weakness will be the last, and both are faltering...

"STOP!" A wizened, gravelly voice rings out. Both Gollum and Mini- Me's arms suddenly go slack from some unseen Force. They turn to see an ancient form shuffling up to them...

Yes, it is Jedi Master Yoda. After being crowned the All-Time Champion, Yoda is in the Middle-Earth section of his goodwill tour. According to the press, the old Jedi has even patched up his rivalry with Gandalf (who says Grudge Matches can't have happy endings?).

"Midgets you both are." Yoda scolds sternly. "Fight amongst each other you must not. United we must be."

"He tries to steal our Precious!" Gollum protests.

"True, that is?" Yoda asks. Mini-Me lowers his head and nods, slightly ashamed.

"Powerful the Ring is." Yoda mutters. "Powerful indeed. Fall into the wrong hands, it must not."

"We takes good care of it." Gollum insists. "No doings evils with it. We swears.... we swears by the Precious."

Using his Jedi insight, Yoda can see that Gollum is lying through his teeth. However, he can also see what the future holds for this wretched creature: Gollum BBQ (with Frodo Finger and dipping sauce, $1.98 extra). He smiles.

"Keep your Precious you may." Yoda says, as the Ring flutters back into Gollum's hand. "And as for you," he growls, grabbing Mini-Me by the ear and dragging him away, "learn you must to not take things belonging to you not. Punishment you deserve. Needs a stunt double for Episode III, R2-D2 does..."

- Oxymoron - And if Yoda doesn't stop Mini-Me, SHE will...

As much as I hate the LOTR Franchise which has made every movie awards show 100% predictable, I have to say that Gollum will win, why? Why is an anti-LOTR fan voting for the weird little creature who talks to himself?

I have the MTV 2003 movie awards on tape, after watching him prance around saying "Dobby is a ----ing Turd" and "---- you, you bastards" I slowly backed away from the screen. Even us Genetically enhanced lifeforms don't mess with someone who can swear more in a minute than Ozzy Osbourne.

- Lizard-Man: Death to Crack smoking hippies!

J is for J.R.R., Tolkien of course
U is for Ugrik and his army of orcs
N is for Nazgul, the dark riders of doom
K is for King, to be returning soon
I is for Isengard, Saruman's lair
E is for Elves, who pop up everywhere

There you have it. A little ditty that spells out all you need to know about Gollum's compulsion to hold onto the ring...and six more reasons why Mini-Me is screwed seven ways to Sunday.

Not that they'll matter. Trying to wrest the ring away from Gollum is like trying to keep me away from my first Coca-Cola of the morning...which is an ugly sight for all foolish enough to try.

- RoboGoober Version 2

Mini-Me is going to win. why?

Anyone who watched Goldmember knows that Mini-Me's... *ahem* codpeice... isn't exactly Mini (Britney F'kn Spears wanted to give him her cell phone number for crying out loud)

All the Mini one has to do is slap Gollum a dozen or so times with it, grab the ring, go back to the present, give Dr. Evil said ring, and have enough time to watch and make fun of the The Lord of the Rings movie.

- Dane "The New Prodigy"

Let's see here... Mini-Me Vs. Gollum. I'd have to give it to Gollum.

Mini-Me Vs. Gollum inside a dark cave, Gollum's home turf. I'm still giving it to Gollum.

Mini-Me Vs. Gollum who, according to the description, HAS THE RING IN HIS HANDS while he's in the dark cave, his home turf.

There comes a point where you might as well just tie up Mini-Me and drench him in BBQ Sauce and toss him into a fire. Since Gollum prefers non-cooked meat, Mini-Me would at least have a fighting chance then.

- Affy

I have seen the "Lord of the Rings" movies and thought they were great and have seen all the "Austin Powers" films and liked them. But, this match goes to Mini-Me. Here's why:

True, Gollum might have a nasty bite and the ability to sneak past monsters, but it should be remembered that Gollum was caught and subdued by two poorly-armed hobbits. Not a terribly clever or powerful character.

Then we have Mini-Me. Since he comes from the present, he has technology on his side. Gollum was about to be killed by a single archer (until Frodo intervented). What chance would that creature have against one of Dr. Evil's weapons? None. Heck, Gollum couldn't even begin to comprehend all the nasty hi-tech tactics Mini-Me could bring to bear on him. Also, it should not be forgotten that Mini-Me usually bested Austin Powers in a fight. A scrawny, pencil-neck like Gollum would be easily defeated. The only hope Gollum would have would be to administer a serious bite to Mini-Me early in the fight, but Mini-Me has tiny fingers which would pose difficult targets.

Then, there is the matter of allies. All Gollum has in his corner are the fanboys of D&D in general, Tolkien in particular. A group that is quite inexperienced in fighting. Mini-Me, on the other hand, has probably the best ally one can have in the Grudge Match - Mr. T (this is because Verne Troyer appeared in a videogame commercial with the Grudge Match saint himself). I pity the fanboy fools and that Gollum who are going to get pounded into the ground.

- The Demented Astronomer

The Extensor Digiti Minimi is the Latin name for the muscle that extends the pinky finger. Any contestant who has a Latin connection is a winner in my book.

Especially a masculine plural nomative superlative adjective.

AND it's irregular!

- Logicus--betting on a "Short People" parody

Between the orcs, trolls, and Nazgul Mini-Me will last about as long in Middle Earth as Michael Jackson will in prison. Mini-Me will stick out like Don King at a Skin-head convention. The remains of his Mini-Me's stupid Nehru jacket will be found in a pile of warg crap (even giant wolves can't digest polyester) shortly after his arrival.

- Claymore

I have concluded that there is a clear victor: Dobby the House Elf.

You think Voldemort won't be seeking the Ring? When Dobby finds out about You-Know-Who's quest for the Ring (probably through Dumbledore in some way, the living exposition that he is), he'll try to protect Harry in a flash. Observe:

Fighting experience.
Gollum: Held his own in a brawl against Frodo and Sam.
Mini-Me: Kicked Austin's posterior for 80% of their fight.
Dobby: Can fire funky blue spell things. Why fight when you can send them flying?

When they got the thing they wanted most, they then...
Gollum: Fell into Mount Doom after getting the Ring.
Mini-Me: Fell asleep on Dr. Evil's chest after getting some chocolate.
Dobby: Proved how little a sense of fashion he has after receiving his freedom. Still, that's better than the other two.

Brendan's smutty sealed section.
Gollum: Yonic Ring which he strokes and calls his Precious.
Mini-Me: Humped a laser and Beyonce Knowles' leg.
Dobby: Has a friend named WINKY, fercryinoutloud! I bet these two play Hide the Feather Duster...

Gollum: Survived extensive torture by the forces of evil.
Mini-Me: Was tossed around a room in a bag.
Dobby: Spent years serving the Malfoys. The defence rests.

I may change this opinion if Animal escapes from the Muppet Theatre, or if Lemony Snicket uncovers evidence that Sunny Baudelaire was present at this battle.

- Mixmaster Flibble

You've got a tiny Vin Diesel lookalike, versus a wussy watered down CGI Yoda. Mini-me will kick Gollum's ass. I see Mini-Me doing his mime routine, and when Gollum starts going "The bald hobbit wants to be friendses, yes? He doesn't talkses, nooo..." Mini-me will kick him SQUAR' in the NUTS!!! (Cartman TM) See, Gollum is creepy more than funny. He's got claws, bad hair, he's dirty, and he's wearing a loincloth that makes you wish someone would toss him a pair of briefs. Mini-me though, is funny more than anything else. He can't get scratched even, it wouldn't be funny, it wouldn't be right. He might get some "Gollum bites" but they wouldn't even leave a mark. No, Gollum loses his "precious" again.

- Pareeha

Serving in the Navy (no Village People jokes please), it is still cool for us to quote Austin Powers to each other. Quoting The Lord of The Rings will get you a sound beating and a wedgie. I don't want to even talk about the poor fool who quoted Harry Potter...

- SXS (Your tax dollars hard at work!)

"Hello, I'm the One Ring, The One Ring To Rule Them All. I want to say that I'd rather be thrown into the fires of Mount Doom than be wielded by either half-grown freaks of nature, and be re-born as Arwen's nipple ring."

- -Wanring Turuthemall

I think Gollum should win just because have you smelled his breath lately?! I mean he had been stuck in a cave for hundreds of years with no deodorant, soap, or toothpaste! One smell and he wins that round!!! Or he could make mini-me pass out for a few hours...whichever comes first...

- Leader of Duck Minions

Okay so maybe Gollum is pretty pathetic. He's gotten his ass handed to him by just about every character in the lord of the rings universe and wears a loincloth that looks like it was made out of roadkill. Cheap, tacky roadkill. So it seems like he wouldn't be much of a challenge for a munchkin modeled after a man so bad that evil makes up 4/7ths of his name right?


See, no matter how badly Gollum got trounced and no matter how bleak the outlook was he never gave up, right up until the end when he..... SPOILER!..... won. That's right, Gollum won in the end baby.

Sure he may have gotten a little carried away in the victory dance afterword, teaching us all imprtant lessons about sportsmanship and proper balance while dancing, but he still won!

So here's what's gonna happen. After tricking Mini-Me into being consumed by a giant spider Gollum will hijkack his time travel device, travel to 1960's england, smoke some leaf with boss Tolkein, and become Austin Powers swingin new midget protege.

- Shim Shimmy "Gollum's a swinger baby and it freaks me out!"

Okay, I'll admit, all I know about Gollum (having only read "The Hobbit" cover-to-cover) I've learned from the movie version of the "Lord of the Rings", which supposedly casts Gollum in a more sympathetic light.

Which will, ultimately, be his downfall.

Gollum will be too busy fighting his inner demons (and the power of the One Ring) to notice Mini-Me sneaking up on him and clubbing him to death with a tree branch or something. CGI Pawn of Evil: 0, Live Action Pawn of Evil: 1.

- Andy the Anarchist- Where do I sign up for my own evil midget sidekick?

Unfortunatly Mini-Me is doomed. Horrible things constantly happen to short people in Middle Earth. Without handy Istari, Rangers and other bad-asses Mini-Me is eaten by some random Tolkien nasty before getting one mile.

Even were that not the case Dr. Evil's assumption about Austin Powers not being able to follow is, as usual, dead wrong. LOTR was very hip during the 60's. Austin sets off in pursuit of Mini-Me and some elf babes. And hobbit wenches, and saucy Rohan chicks. In between all the shagging Austin drop kicks Mini Me into the pit of Moria after commenting on how the Balrog is even more horny than he is.

- dworkin - Ctrl-Alt-Del for your brain

The Ring has a painful effect on those who hold it. The Winner will be the one who has suffered the most.

Gollum was brutalized, had his mind poisoned, and in the end, gets killed.

Mini-Me got shot out of Austin's ass in The Spy who Shagged Me.

Mini-Me wins.

- The Amazing Fat Man

Let's see how intimidating each contestant's picture looks.

Mini-Me- Looks like one of the munchkins from Wizard of Oz.


I think I just proved two points; Gollum will win and I seriously need to see a psychiatrist.

- A Leprechaun Called 'Knuckles'

I don't know who would win but I do know if you threw in a couple of cheating lesbians you've got your self a typical Jerry Springer episode!


Now that's entertainment.

- ~Bye bye keys~

Well, it looks like the monthly matches WERE the sign that Grudge Match was running out of ideas. I knew it. I flipping knew it.

Wait a second... if Grudge Match, one of the few things that make my semi-charmed kinda life worth living, is sinking rapidly into a quagmire of utter worthlessness, then it can only mean one thing...

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it - Brian and Steve are Sauron and the Witchking! They're out to crush us so that Brian can finally retrieve the One Ring! (It's currently in the personal collection of Sir Richard Branson.)

With that in mind, there is no way that Gollum cannot win. With those two forces of evil running the show, Mini-Me hasn't got a prayer.

- The Man Called True - "Stupid TOTOCC... They just gave up after that."

First, I thought that Mini-Me would win. Despite his limited vocabulary, Gollum would ask questions Mini-Me could answer:

Gollum: What is the fifthst letter of the alphabet?
Mini-Me: EEEEEE.
Gollum: Grrrr... What letter is mostst often used in english?
Mini-Me: EEEEEE.
Gollum: ARRRGH...How do you undo a natural logarithm?
Mini-me: EEEEEE?
Gollum: NOOOOOO!

But then I realized what would really happen.

Gollum and Mini-me are Both Mangled and Killed(tm) by a group of 50 to 60-year old (female) Aragorn and Legolas fans.

- The (no longer) Unpublished Soldier

My analysis?

A short, bald man hunting a tall, gangly creature that talks funny.

What does this say to you?

Mini Me: Oooh, I hate that wascally hobbit!

- king rex the first, your tenth grade world history teacher

Here is how the battle is fought, and trust me, its not going to be pretty:

First off Gollum dies a horrible death at the hands of Mini-me. Lets face it, even in the book the crawling, creeping, Mulitple Personality Freak has to hide behind a giant spider when faced against two hobbits and a glowing razorblade.

Note the lack of me saying Mini-me wins.

There is something lacking in this scenario, the Will of the Ring (TM). Remember, this thing wants to get back to its father. More likely Mini-me becomes mini-gollum, hiding in the cave to once again lose the ring to an aging midget. However, IF Mini-Me is capable of fighting off the Will of the Ring (TM) he has no Time portal to get back.... oops. No electricity to run the frickin swirling time vortex. Sauron catches up, gets the ring, and Mini-me once again loses. And Sauron has nothing to bite.

The Ring Wins. By a.... glyph?

- Empiric

After Bilbo originally stole the Ring from Gollum, Gollum eventually had to get out and try to get it back. From the "Fellowship of the Ring", we see that he was... inventive... when it came to food sources:

"It crept into nests to find eggs, and crept into houses to find cradles..."

While any diehard Tolkien fan would rile me for my inaccurate memory, what I'd like to say here is that Gollum actually ate babies... remind you of anyone?

Yep - Fat Bastard!

"Get in Mah Belly!" *GULP* Yep, it would seem that Gollum would be well fed after all - and with the events of "LotR III: Return of the King", consider it a... last feast...

- The Saint

Mini-Me wins this contest. Why? I don't know. Maybe because he's REAL?! Gollum is a product of CGI! What else was a product of CGI... hmm, let's see... oh, yes, Jar Jar Binks!

Gollum recieves Chicago Cubs-brand Curse Points for being a CGI character. Mini-Me wins and ends up in control of Middle Earth.

- The Vigilante "I'm Afraid of the Future!"

Well, according to this spokesman, everything is fine. I see nothing to worry about.

- Alan Smithee

Mini Me spelled backwards is Em Inim, which is almost Eminem. Eminem sucks, so I gotta go with Gollum.

- Trickster

Gollum has lived six hundred years. Mini-me has been around for maybe six years. Gollum kills and eats orcs when he can't get fish. He can cross a volcanic desert without a canteen, he can climb sheer cliffs head down with his bare hands and feet, he can cut lucrative deals with poisonous monsters that won't even talk to anyone else. He faced the Dark Lord and lived, unchanged. Against this, Mini-me has a few kung fu moves.

When Gollum bites a body part, it comes off. When Mini-me bites it, it stays on.

The only way anyone can beat Gollum is with divine predestination. And that's one thing Mini-me definitely ain't got. The whole Evil family is clearly on the wrong end of any divine predestination that may exist in their vicinity.

- KP

Return of the King spoilers included. While my heart immediately went out to Gollum, I decided to test this out as objectively as possible, using my new Return of the King PS2 game. In the game, Gollum is the final boss. I decided that out of the four hobbits (halflings, whatever you prefer), Sam was the one that most resembles Mini-Me. Therefore I fought Gollum with Sam and damn does that little Smeagol hurt! I lost time and time again. Indeed the only way to defeat Gollum was by knocking him into the fires of Mount Doom. Now based off the description in the scenario, Gollum is most likely in his home cavern in the Misty Mountains (see The Hobbit). Therefore, no fires of Mount Doom for Mini-Me to knock Gollum into. Also I tried taking down Gollum with Gandalf the White (not the weaker Gray version), and yes, even Gandalf the White has trouble defeating Gollum. Why? Because Gollum, forced to live in a cave eating cold fish with nothing but a ring for comfort for the past several centuries. Obviously this a former hobbit who's not getting any, and will never get any. Therefore, he has THE RAGE (tm)! Anyone who doesn't believe me can watch The Two Towers. Gollum in 5 minutes or less, enjoying a nice hunk of Mini-Me(at).

- Ceris, the Dragon Lord

Mini Me has an iBook. Gollum is largely computer generated.

Give Mini Me a little programming time, and Gollum will turn into a vending machine.

- Kilgore Trout

Mini-Me is a clone. Let's say by some freak accident, Mini-Me kills himself or something. Dr.Evil will mourn for upwards of 10 minutes, and then a militia of Mini-Mini-Mes will be on Gollum's ass like white on rice on a paperplate in a snowstorm on Michael Jackson's neck.

Anyways, I thought Gollum was what happened to Emmanuel Lewis.

- Keyser Say It Ain't Soze

I think Gollum and Mini-Me are going to elope, dip their baby in green paint, and call it Yoda.

- Vito S

Gollum in the sound of one hand clapping.

In "The Hobbit" Gollum lurked in the deepest caves of the tallest mountains subsisting on raw fish, goblins were afraid to go there and he is also quite old as far as hobbits go but will attacked armed people even when outnumbered.

In martial arts films the great master often lives in tallest mountains yet will often meditate in deep caverns. They will often eat raw fish and are often quite old. They will attack superior numbers of armed people.

Get the connection?

Gollum also shows classic signs of addiction to the ring, going to any lengths to get 'his precious'.

The 'hashishin' assassin cult (the originators of the term) got part of their fanaticism through addiction to hashish and were universally feared as unstoppable killers. They were ruled over by a master known as 'the old man of the mountains'.

Gollum = old, lives in a mountain, and is a short man.

Mini-me is distracted by an obsession with the material path and will receive a correction from Grand master Smeagol.

- D Merzel

Why don't we ask Smeagol himself?
So um Smeagol, do you think you'll win?

We hatses the Mini-me nasty mean Mini-mesisis!
No!!!! The Mini-mes hatses poor Smeagol! He wants our Precious(tm). He wants to hurtses us, by taking the Precious(tm) away from Smeagol! You are weak for liking the nasty, smelly, mean Mini-mes!
(Weeping at that mortal insult) GO AWAY! WE HATES YOU!
Fool!!! Where would you be without me! I kept you alive all these years, especially while studying for a Ph.D.

(Writer's Note: Anyone who has ever gone through a Ph.D. program will come out of it talking to themselves like Gollum, holding onto their precious(tm) thesis. However, the graduate student, having lived off a stipend less valuable than belly button lint, will be even skinnier, and have pastier skin due to not seeing the sun for at least one Age)

Screw Master! Master's been walking in circles! Master couldn't find himself looking in a mirror! Master has the tracking ability of a UN weapons inspector!
Fool! Stupid Smeagol! Nasty stupid Smeagol! What couldses be more valuable than the Precious(tm)???
Aaugh! It burns!! It tastes worse than nasty elf lembas bread! You killses us! We hates you forever!!!

....and so Smeagol eventually does the talk circuit, followed up by his book series:
Smeagol, I'm my own best friend!
I'm Ok, no I'm not, I'm ok, no I'm not.
I am my own bestest friend!
...and of course, the Hobbit Cookbook.

- Return of the Budo

Gollum killed his own brother to obtain the One Ring.

Meanwhile, Dr. Evil created a clone of him known as Mini-Me. Mini-Me was just like Dr. Evil, only concentrated to 1/8th the size so that he was more silly and annoying per cubic centimetre.

Instead of trying to use the ring to take over the world, Gollum took it into some cave with him and stayed there for about half a millenium. That does not show weakness as much as it shows prodigious willpower. I mean, here he is, with the most powerful object in the world, a ring that even the good and wise have dreamed of weilding for greatness and he does almost nothing with it. Only Tom Bombadil has more self-control!

Meanwhile, Mini-Me sat by Dr. Evil's side looking tough.

When the ring was taken away from him, Gollum travelled across the continent into Mordor itself and suffered cruel and unusual tortures, from which he was released alive. He escaped from Mordor and survived.

Meanwhile, Mini-Me feuded with Scott Evil about who got Dr. Evil's attention.

Gollum escaped from the Forest Elves (which, I'll admit, was not that hard) and traveled once again across the world looking for "his precious". He went to the extent of biting Frodo's finger off and falling into a fiery chasm, inadvertently saving the world as they knew it and reclaiming the ring in the process (albeit briefly).

Meanwhile, Mini-Me battled a worthy adversary that is known as Austin Powers.

Plus, Bilbo stopped wearing the ring for a couple of years and his apparent age doubled, to the point of him not being able to stay awake for more than three minutes. Gollum went through most of the above without possessing the ring and thus without benefiting from its powers for the first time in hundreds of years. This didn't seem to impede him much.

Of course, the fight takes place before Gollum did all of these admirable things. But now we know what he's capable of should "his precious" be taken from him. Gollum will track down Mini-Me sooner or later and a scene of indescribable carnage (tm) will ensue.

Meanwhile, Dr. Evil will pay a visit to his cloning facility and set the scale for 8x.

- Sinistro

Anyone who has seen that Apple commercial knows the Yao Ming is Mini- me's friend and since Yao Ming is the man, anyone who messes with his main man gets their keisters handed to 'em by the Houston Rockets roster. We can look forward to Gollum being the practice ball at the next Rockets game.

- E.Wang

Mini-Me's main gag appears to be giving the finger.

We know what Gollum does to fingers.

I vote "Both Mangled and Plummeting into Volcano."

- It's Awful, Baby, Yeah!

I voted for Min because his mutant power is to take punishment... loads of punishment... Streisand-medley-level punishment. Did you see the third movie? Austin put him in that sack and, like, wailed on the furniture! Said furniture was totaled, while Mini-me was just fine.

Smeagol on the other hand just needs a rope made of hemp thrown around his neck to make him whine like a puppy.

- Guszilla is not a myth

All mini moron has to do is flip the little rat off, pull out the minigun, shoot Gollum in the family jewels, and take the prize.

- RADM Avemarioni

I was on Gollum's side until Shane badmouthed Gary and that game that has consumed way too much of my life.

(Just... One... More... level...)

- IronMonkey

Anyone who has actually read the books knows how much of a no-brainer this match is. To those of us who have read the books, Gollum's addiction to fish is common knowledge. Mini-me, having done his research would also know of Gollum's constant, lustful craving for fresh fish. Having this knowledge would allow Mini-me to stock Gollum's subterranean lake with ill-tempered sea bass. The next time Gollum had a hankerin for fresh fish, he'd go down to the shore, dive in after the first fish he saw, and the sea-bass would jump on him like a bunch of horny frat boys on the incoming freshman coeds.

Match over.

- Stretch

This match got me thinking...
Like most Grudgies, we have to think of this in terms of precedent...

The midgets beat the centenarians.
Mini me is a midget.
Gollum is no Manute Bol himself.
Ergo, It's Midget vs. Midget.

But, Gollum is at least a hundred years old. Thus, you could say that it's Midget vs. Centenarian. But, Gollum is also a midget.

Thus, we have Midget vs. Midget-centenarian

So, the question arises--does the Centenarian factor add to or detract from the midgetness?

I'm reminded that Age and Treachery will beat youth and vigor any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Thus, Gollum will keep the One Ring, only to loose it to another midget who's name rhymes with "Dildo".

- Keeper of the Light ((c)2003), winner of a Strider look-alike contest.

Tchah! Mini me? There's no way. After what - three defeats? The little weiner goes soft. But Gollum has got the balls to kill his best friend, survive on fish and orcses for hundreds of years, be tortured by the second greatest evil to plague Middle Earth, beaten up by the Dunedain King, imprisoned by the elves (whose touch he cannot tolerate), imprisoned by Shelob, beaten up again by the said Dunedain, crawl the length and breadth of one of the most hostile environments imagineable whilst tracked by pretty much everyone in it, survive the gruelling trip INTO Mordor, and still get his scrawny little hands on the Precious? So he might not have great balance, but you gotta admire his style.

PS: I am not a geek

- The Hippo Cupboard

Mini-Me has to win, here's why, the only one who can save the world from Dr. Evil (he didn't go to Evil Medical School for nothing) is Austin Powers, and the way the plot goes Dr. Evil must have his master plan set up before Austin can stop him. OTOH stopping Sauron from getting the ring is the required end result of LOTR, now it might not be exactly the same as throwing it in Mt. Doom, giving a weapon of infinite power to Dr. Evil is a sure way to get it destroyed so the change won't affect things too much. So therefore it is needed more for Mini-me to get the ring than for it to remain in Middle Earth (note:while Austin Powers is stupendously funny, LOTR is actual quality literature) (also note:if you banish this to the Ritalin room I'll have to take my meds to read it as I am ADD)

- Ryan- who understands Calvin's brilliance, imagination and ADD

Does Gollum have Britney Spears's cell phone number? No? Well then it's just definitely a win for the tripod. But to justify my answer a little more look at all the negative aspects of Gollum:

a)Was once a hobbit, now a mangled and deformed ugly thing... as if being a HOBBIT wasn't bad enough
b)Became Frodo's bitch in the Two Towers, now you know someone is pathetic when...
c)Has his alter ego trying to resist hurting the poor little midget who looks like a dog, or something.

The list is endless, Mini-me all the way! Seriously what would you rather have: a midget clone or a hobbit with schizophrenia? Thought so

- Tokey

The setting implies that Bilbo has not yet taken the ring from Gollum, so this match obviously takes place before "The Lord of the Rings", or even "The Hobbit" for that matter. If Mini-Me takes the ring, then Bilbo will not be able to steal it later, and the events of the trilogy will never be able to take place. We are left with two possibilities

1) Gollum wins and keeps the ring (until Bilbo stumbles along). We get to keep our beloved "Lord of the Rings" story and Mini-Me escapes alive, but empty-handed, thus ending Dr. Evil's new scheme.

2) Mini-Me wins and steals the ring. One of the greatest novel/film series never exists and a premise arises for "Austin Powers 4: The Fellowshag of the Ring".

Option 2 cannot happen. It simply cannot. Gollum will keep his precious, and Mini-Me will see how Frodo felt after his finger got chomped off.

- Mike Brzeski

[Deep inside a swamp on the boundaries of the dark land, MORDOR]

The swampwaters bubble forbodingly as the sun begins to set over the horizon. The silence is oppressing; not a bird chirps, not a leaf stirs. Suddenly, the quiet is broken by a rustling in the bushes. Out of the brush pops a small, beastly creature. Its bald, scarred body scarcely clothed in tattered rags, the slime-covered creature lays on the ground, holding a ring close to it and panting in a haggard voice. Who is this hideous creature? Why, it's Mini-Me! Having finished off the monster Gollum, he has been trekking through the swamplands for days, trying to find a way back to his master with the powerful ring. Now, he lays in the grass, falling into a fitful sleep.

Little does he know, he has not been alone these past few days. As he sleeps, two hobbits creep into the clearing.
"Well, this is him, Sam," says one of the little people.
"That's right, sir," says the other. "Now let's get rid of him and take the ring."
"Not so fast, Sam. Look at the poor little thing. I bet he doesn't even know what the ring is. Let's give him a chance to explain himself."
Suddenly, two shots ring out in the night air.
"Told you so, mister Frodo," says Sam, as the two of them crumple onto the ground.

Mini-Me rises up, puts his pistol away, and looks at the two hobbits on the ground. From the belt of one of them, he pulls out a glowing dagger. Mini-Me doesn't have much time to wonder about the glow, though. Suddenly, a party of Orcs rushes into the clearing. They stop their charge when they see the two hobbits on the ground.

"DID YOU DO THIS?" asks one of the orcs. Mini-Me nods silently.
"So... what do we do know?" says another one.
"Let's take him to see the lord," suggests another.
With murmurs of approval, they invite Mini-Me into their party. And so, Mini-Me begins on his journey to the heart of Mordor, where he will rise through the ranks, overthrow Sauron, and eventually become master.

... stupid Orcs.

- SamuraiBob

Mini-Me ... Gollum ... fighting ... why am I reminded of the hilarious WWF midget-wrestling from the 80s?

- Dom

Well, Gollum may not be the most benevolent of creatures, but he did try to kill Elijah Wood so I'll give him credit for that. Anyway, back in London......

(smarmy English accented announcer) Now it's time for Gollum and the Middle-Earthians!!

(Smeagol, Legolas, Aragon, Frodo, and Gandalf all appear in ghetto outfits and beat box)

Gollum: Yo we's named Smeagol and these boys be my posse, in my revealing loincloth I appear a little saucy. We're here to rap about where we roam, Middle Earth bes our home. Yo fat little hobbitz and master hobbits too, appeared one morning in my swampy goo. I noticed round his neck was the thing, that one thing be's my wing my

(Gandalf and others) Precious, his Precious.

Gollum: And then one day we bes mindin business that is our own, when mini hobbit assaults from atop of my stone!

(Gandalf and others) His stone! Yes his stone! Not your stone! But his stone.

Gollum: He says he came for Precious in the night, and he said he had a mean and nasty bite. Came after masta to get his wish, so I threw him off the cliff and I heard a mini squish!

(Gandalf and boys) Squish squish oh oh ya squish squish.

Gollum: So unless you wanna be taken for a ride betta stay off the Smeagol side!!

(Smeagol takes off in ruthless breakdancing)

Gandolf and others: go! go! go! go! go! go! go! go!

- Gollum 4 life

Awww, hell, who cares, just get Aragorn to lop both their heads off.

- A New Cynic

ImnotafanboyImnotafanboyImnotafanboyImnotafanboyImnotafanboy... It's just that Lord of The Rings is the three coolest movies EVER.Oh my God they ROCK.Fucking A on the fx.Uhnnn eeee the acting Oh Snap the acting.Peter Jackson Peter Jackson ...exactly the right man in exactly the right place doing exactly the right thing with exactly the peopleOgod i just ....gottavote mini-me beforeilosemyselfforever ImnotafanboyImnotafanboyImnotafanboyImnotafanboyImnotafanboy

- Anon.

Gollum has two modi operandi of combat:

1) Lure victim into ambush, preferably by an intelligent-but-woefully- unambitious mammoth arthropod. (She finds orc-meat distasteful, but still she sticks around. Why can't she be more like Smaug, who wiped out a band of dwarves, seized their treasure, and kept a whole town under constant trepidation? She's the daughter of a minor god, but she doesn't even make a move for the Ring when it's right under her grasp! I mean, if you were a giant spider, aren't there some cool ideas you'd love to try instead of just hiding around in a tunnel in the middle of nowhere? What a loser.) But, Shelob is under another mountain range entirely anyway, and he's not on good terms with the Misty Mountain orcs.

2) Sneak up behind and strangle. With the help of the Ring (which he has in this scenario), this is how he had a constant supply of goblin- meat for centuries, so he is exceedingly good at it. But, Mini-Me has almost no neck, and if he can survive a vacuum (I know, the fact that he could make a sound ("Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...") suggests it really was not a vacuum, but I'm letting that noise go as dramatic license, much like hearing the TIE fighters.) then he can surely ignore a throttling attempt.

Skilled at evading adversaries but angry at the nerve of this pursuer, Gollum will bide his time before making a move, then fail miserably when his favorite method of attack has no effect. Mini-Me can't choke, but Gollum certainly will. But Dr. Evil will never recover the object for himself; the only individuals to ever willingly give up the Ring were unambitious Hobbits. Mini-Me, though, takes after his "dad" and is like the Brain (another pint-size genetic-freak) in that he is filled to the paltry brim with Improbable Schemes. Mini-Me gains the One as the set-up for the best Austin Powers flick yet.

- Matt Bricker


The next match will feature Brendan and Shane competing to see who can get laid first.

- Thought Police

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Dr. Laura v. Dr. Evil
Gandalf v. Dumbledore
Austin Powers v. Inspector Clouseau

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Next Match: Abstract art
ETA: December 27th, 2003

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