World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

Near the Thieves' Forest in Florin, two men race to the door of a small shack:

Ryne Sandberg: "Get away, I was here first."
Dwight Evans: "No freakin' way. I was here first. How do you like them apples?"

A man opens the door.

Miracle Max: "All right, all right. What's all the commotion?"
Ryne: "Are you the Miracle Max we've heard so much about?"

Max: "Yeah, why? Hey, wait a minute. Were you sent by a swordsman and a giant? I save their pathetic friend's life in the name of true love and do they ever visit? No. I didn't even charge them cost. Er, nevermind, what do you want?"

Ryne: "I need a miracle potion to lift a curse off my baseball team."
Dwight: "Me, too. And I can offer you season tickets to Boston Red Sox."
Ryne: "I can offer a bat autographed by Ernie Banks!"
Max: "Those are both good offers, but, alas, I only have one baseball team curse lifting pill left."
Ryne: "I got it!"
Dwight: "No, I got it!"

Max: "It just so happens that I'm entertaining clients this afternoon and would love to take them to a baseball game. Get your rosters ready. (Programs! Get your programs here!) One game, winning team gets the pill to remove the curse. Play ball!"

So, Mark, which club cruises to a curse cure?

Boston Red Sox, Curse of the Bambino Chicago Cubs, Curse of the Billy Goat

Boston Red Sox vs. Chicago Cubs

The Commentary

MARK: Let me see. Chicago's curse was brought on because a goat was not allowed into the stadium. That's just spiffy. A goat? A lowly farm animal? How'd they ever get over that one? Oh, that's right, they didn't. Lord help Chicago if they ever run afoul of, say, a cow.

It appears that when they're about to break the curse, the Cubs dream up a new one. For instance, the foul ball mishap. In the sixth game of a seven game series, several fans try to catch a foul ball in the stands; a ball that may have been caught by Moises Alou. The team never recovered from a foul ball. Imagine the uproar if that had been a fair ball or even in the field of play. These guys don't need goats to curse them; they can make up their own (scape)goats and curses. Don't believe me? Check the transcript of the curses Alou used after Capt. Headphones deflected the baseball.

Also, the Cubs have team management rooting against them. Curses aside, how badly does your owner want you to lose when the playing field walls are unpadded and made of brick? Ouch!

Goats, foul balls, and brick walls: the Cubs were meant to lose and lose they will. Go Red Sox.

PAUL: I am a Yankees fan. As you baseball fans know, that means (1) you probably hate me and (2) I am an expert on why the Red Sox will lose. Which they will. Again. Yes, I am enjoying this.

Mark, you just don't understand the curses. First, the Red Sox suffer from the Curse of the Bambino(TM). If there is such a thing as a baseball god, it's Babe Ruth (and, knowing the Babe, his baseball goddess is Morganna the Kissing Bandit.) God beats barnyard animal. And with the beloved Harry Caray now in the great beyond, the Bambino will be showered with gifts of booze, hot dogs, cigars and (if he can smuggle them past the Pearly Gates) hookers if the Babe will let the Cubs win. I suspect the first offering will be roasted goat.

Second, the curses have very different effects. The Cubs have been condemned to mediocrity. They had Hall of Famer Ernie Banks starting for sixteen seasons and they never finished closer than eight games from first place. They were the first team to finish behind the hopeless expansion Mets teams. Even this year, those damn World Champion Marlins had a better record playing in a tougher division. But here, the Cubs are already in a championship game against an equally bewitched team so that curse doesn't apply. Now the Red Sox curse is something different entirely. Their pain is to get thisclose to victory and then have it snatched away like a baseball Sisyphus (see Pesky, Dent, Buckner, Boone). Like red-shirted ensigns, the Bosox simply must lose and lose in some agonizing way. What better than to lose to the Cubs?

What did you expect? You are what you eat and they don't call them "bean eaters" for nothing.

Faintly heard in an Iowa cornfield...

HOTBRANCH: Let's get real, shall we? Neither team can win because it goes against the very nature of the game. Baseball is about traditions and rules. As a rule, both these teams have a tradition of losing. Often with implosions that make black holes look tame. Baseball is a great game, but there are two constants: neither the Red Sox nor the Cubs can win the World Series, and a game can never end in a tie. Since Bud Selig saw fit to shake the game to its very core during the 2002 All-Star game, it stands to reason that the other constant must remain inviolate. To mess with any of the constants in baseball is like trying to divide by zero. Surely, if either the Cubs or Red Sox were to have their curse lifted, the very next sound heard would be four galloping horsemen....

MARK: Did anyone else just hear Kevin Costner? Eh, must be the wind.

Anyway, either I misread that or you just killed off Morganna. That wasn't very nice. (FYI.)

Yes, I do believe we agree that the Red Sox curse is stronger than the Cubs curse. That's why the Red Sox will win. The Red Sox almost beat their stronger curse. Therefore they should beat the Cubs who couldn't even beat a penny-ante critter curse. Remember, defeating the curse is what the Miracle Max pill is for. All the Red Sox need to do is beat the Cubs. That should be pretty easy because if the Cubs are scared of a goat, I'd hate to see what becomes of them when they come across a Green Monster!

Speaking of monsters, what of the Red Sox secret weapon: Carla Tortelli. Okay, the waitress from Cheers may not seem so imposing to a group of guys carrying bats. However, she does have the ability to make curses stick--curses that the Cubs would have to break in order to beat the Red Sox. When her beloved Red Sox meet up with the Cubs, there's no chance Carla would let them off with simply a goat-type curse. She's going to give them a curse or two they'll never be able to break. I mean, that's only if she doesn't kick the bejesus out of the Cubs herself.

The Red Sox break the curse, the Cubs lose, and the Cheers gang yells "Norm." All is right with the world.

PAUL: Mark, you are really getting delusional. If Carla had such hexing powers, they sure didn't help much in 1986 or 2003. Considering her career since the show went off the air, I think her priority right now is finding a job.

Unlike the Cubs who try to be especially nice to goats these days, the Red Sox curse is extra powerful because the Red Sox constantly jinx themselves. The only reason Bill Buckner wasn't replaced for defense before his famous error was because they wanted him on the field when the Red Sox won. Before the deciding game in the ALCS this year, they painted the World Series logo on the grass at Fenway Park. For goodness sake, the Boston crowd tries to "pump up" the team with a "rousing" rendition of Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline". What, "Feelings" wasn't good enough? If they hired a James Bond villain as manager, it might actually increase their chances of winning.

And don't think that the Red Sox players haven't figured that they are doomed. Recent greats like Wade Boggs, Roger Clemens and Ugueth Urbina had to good sense to leave before it was too late. Alas, it was not always like that. Dom DiMaggio wasted 10 good years in Boston and all he got was the nickname "Little Professor" because he looked like a four-eyed nerd. His brother Joe played for the Yankees and married Marilyn Monroe. I think that speaks for itself. And after being exposed to "Cowboy Up" and a drunken college boy singing karaoke night after night this season, I expect that Nomar and Pedro will wise up and defect to the Cubs. I'll be surprised if the Red Sox can even field a team.

They won't be playing the blues in Chicago anymore. Waveland Avenue celebrates tonight!

Whispers from the Field of Dreams(tm)...

SHANE: Boys, you're tampering with forces you cannot comprehend. They go beyond baseball tradition into the realm of the supernatural. The sheer number of bizarre incidents preventing these clubs from winning, from Buckner's 'tweener to Bartman's reach to Aaron Boone actually contributing in the clutch, shatters the law of averages. Someone wants them to lose and He won't be denied. For ye of little faith, I offer as proof the New York Yankees. They've had such success for eighty years because they're divinely ordained enforcers of the Curses, with everything from Babe Ruth's Called Shot to Bucky the Red Sox Slayer. Sorry to tell you Yankee-haters, but the Bronx Bombers are God's Team. The Cubs and Red Sox are God's Whipping Boys, and no cutesy scenario can redeem either of them. Game called on account of locusts, boils, frogs... or our two commentators being turned into pillars of salt.

PAUL: Hmm. Almost sounds like the ghosts are out tonight. Nah, there's no such thing as ghosts.

Thanks to the many people that suggested this match

The Results

The Curse of the Bambino and The Curse of the Billy Goat

The Four Horsemen (1775 - 49.4%)


Chicago Cubs

Chicago Cubs (917 - 25.5%)


Boston Red Sox

Boston Red Sox (904 - 25.1%)

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Voter Comments


There was a winner to this game and I know who it was. However, I'm not allowed to talk about the game because I never got the expressed written consent from Major League Baseball.

- Old Hick Donald

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Baseball in November? Brr! Hypothermia wins the day, and if Chicago gets to play at their home field, the players won't be recovered until spring thaw. Although Ted Williams has experience with being frozen...

For the sake of the players, I say this little racket gets broken up by the big bosses, when they find that the teams are playing for PILLS. Managers and players are suspended, and Miracle Max is dragged to court.

"They're made of chocolate! I swear!"

- Oxymoron - "Just wait til last year, folks!"

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (tie)

So we have a whole month to decide whom to vote for? Good, because that's as long as this game is going to take, due to extra innings. (You've never seen so many zeroes lined up since you looked at the players' salaries!)

- Groucho Magmarx

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (tie)

What would happen if the Boston Red Sox met the Chicago Cubs in for a World Series crown?

Well, they actually played each other in the 1918 World Series, so we can eliminate the possibility of Armageddon. If it didn't happen then, it won't happen now.

And what did happen back then?
*No Boston player hit a home run during the entire series.
*Chicago pitchers threw for a 1.04 ERA.
*Boston hit .186 over the entire series.
*Boston failed to score more than three runs in any given game, and reached the three-run mark in just one of their games.
*One game almost didn't take place because the Boston players got into a fight with each other over game receipts.


Just as they'll find a way to lose to the Red Sox this time around as well.

P.S. - There's no Curse of the Bambino. The New York Yankees shipped Babe Ruth back to Boston after the 1934 season. His new team, the Braves, couldn't win the series until after they stopped playing in Milwaukee. The Yankees managed to win the World Series in 1936 ... and 1937 ... and 1938 ... and 1939 ... and 1941 ... and 1943 ... and ... you get the idea.

- A baseball fan

The Braves did win the World Series in Milwaukee in 1957 (beating the Yankees no less), but your point is well taken. - Eds.

Paul's a Yankee fan. I must vote against him. The end.

- Mithrandir, disgruntled Mets fan.

Well, seeing as I know jack scnitzel about baseball (I know, I know, what kind of an American am I?), I'm just gonna flip a coin: Heads Sox, Tails Cubs. Here we go.

*coin lands on side*

Crap. Armageddon it is.

- Tracer Malone

Mr. Chaos: Alright,we are here in one of Chicago's famous pubs for the grudge-match super fans. I am Mr. Chaos, and with me as always are my friends, Mr. T

T: DA Bears!
Chaos: Tot he right of him, Eric Cartman
Eric: DA ^&*#ing Bears!
Chaos: And of course, Chris Farely
Chris: DA BEARS!
Chaos: And we are here to talk about, the great team in baseball... da cubs
All: Da cubs!
Chaos: Now guys, as you know, the Cubs are being cursed by the Curse of the Billygoat
All: Da Goat!
Chaos: Now guys, as you know, the cubs have a chance to break the curse by beating the Red Soxs. Your thoughts.
T: I pity the fool that takes on the Cubs!
Eric: ^$*# the Soxs!
Chaos: Uh... Chris?
Chris: Sorry Chaos, I'm just having a heart attack!
Chaos: Well... ok. Anyway, what do you guys think of the line up for this game
T: I must say, I pity the Soxs, the are going up against a tough team.
Chaos: Yes, true.
Eric: Where the %^&# are the cheesy poofs?
Chaos: Now, since they can have any player, I think we all know, as well as all of Chicago, who they will ahve on their team. A man that took the Bears...
All: Daaaaaa Bears!
Chaos:... And made them the tema they are today. A certain Mike Dicka. Now, with dicka and the cubs, what will be the score?
Chris: Now, I don't think Dicka needs the Cubs. I think it is almost unfair to teh Soxs.
Chaos: Ok, let's give the Soxs the the whole Cubs team. Even better... we'll give them all fo Chicago. What is the score?
T: Sox: 1, Dicka: 12
Eric: Where the HEll are my cheesy poofs?
Chris: Soxs: -12, Dicka: 173
Chaos: So Dicka wins. And that's all we care about. That, and a certain team, known as:

- Mr. Chaos (Dicka...Polish Sasauge....Dicka....)

Even though not even in this game, the Yankees win. Some magic way to prevent curses? Of course George Steinbrenner will buy it for an enourmously insane amount of money, proving that money buys everything he ever wanted.

Except, thank God, another championship.

- Philip

First off, this game has already been played. In 1994 (The year without a World Series because of the baseball strike), Sports Illustrated ran a fictional World Series between the Red Sox and the Cubs. Suffice to say, the Cubs won in seven after a crucial Sox screw up.

As if that's not enough, I have lived in both Chicago and Boston and have insights into both teams.

In the early 90's Cubs fans freely admited that the only reason they went to Cubs games was Old Style Beer. Like the infamous "beer goggles" increasing the hotness of ugly women, Old Style/Cubs beer googles made any fan sitting in Wrigley think there was actually a game worth watching. Cubs fans don't talk about a curse every year. They know their team sucks in a way only the "Windy City" can suck most years, and their anomolous post-season appearances are the only times the curse is even mentioned.

The Red Sox are an entirely different story. The columninst Ellen Goodman put it best, "being a Red Sox fan is seeing your team up two runs, with two outs and two strikes, and knowing in the bottom of your heart that they will find a way to lose." The Red Sox are the Gen. George McClellan of baseball, in that they find ever-new ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. As I sat watching Game 7 of the ALCS, I knew in my heart of hearts that the insurance run the Sox picked up midway through the game was a glimmer of hope intended to secure their utter humiliation. Simply put, the Red Sox curse pervades everything about the Red Sox. As example, no Red Sox fan sit in Fenway and not think Bucky F-n' Dent.

I should also mention that a Cubs loss only generates minor ripples in the Chicago area. Chicago has two teams, the Cubs and the White Sox, so the Cub's loss merely left 50% of Chicagoans dejected for a few days. Boston, on the other hand, experiences widespread psychological trauma when they lose. The day after their loss, the entire city of Boston (if not all of New England) acted as if a beloved family member had died. Parents spoke of the game as a moment when their wide-eyed inncocent children experienced a horrific initiation into the agony that is Red Sox fandom. Wives who were married after 1986 said they never understood why their husbands got so worked up about the Sox until this year's loss. Losing is so seared into the essence of Red Sox fandom that the universe can't allow them to win. Simply put, the trauma of losing sticks to the Red Sox like the nicotine on the tin ceiling of a tavern in South Boston, and is even tougher to overcome.

The Chicago Cubs simply lose a lot, while the Red Sox lose in ways that you don't see outside of high opera. A Chicago win would cause minor ripples in the baseball universe, while a Red Sox victory would bust the space-time continuum wide open. Faced with such weighty evidence, the scales of fate will once again tip against Boston, and the Cubs will celebrate their victory in a wave of Old Style Beer, while the "Mass-hole" Sox fans will once again head home shouting "Next year" while secretly muttering, "Why do I put myself through this."

- "JustRob" Carter

The Cubs would take the series, for the simple reason that a goat cannot seriously be considered a curse. It's a joke that is only held up by people desperate to find any excuse for their precious Cubbies' miserable lackluster record.

However, I'm sure we can just wait to next year to settle this as Fox will "arrange" for said World Series to occur in an attempt to boost ratings. Look at it, the Championship Series were some of the most watched programs on TV. But who actually bothered to watch the actual World Series? It just wasn't worth it. But now that Fox knows what interest there is in a Cubs BoSox series, it will occur.

In any case, we can still be assured of one thing no matter what. Yankees suck.

- Litke

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! What have you done? This match can only result in the Apocalypse of the Grudgeverse!

ESPN beat you to the punch and even Evil (a.k.a. Disney a.k.a. ESPN) could not stop the march of the Apocalypse.

Stop this now before a

- Rich Baker (holding up a sign saying, "Repent! The end of the Grudgeverse is Nigh!")

Armageddon is infinately preferable to watching sports where the majority of players stand round scratching their arses for a few hours.

- Psycorp 603

Wait a minute.

These two teams need a miracle in order to start winning games, right?

But regardless of who wins, the winner will no longer be a loser, and will no longer need a miracle pill.

The only fair solution to this is the end of the world.

- Andy the Anarchist- Fair to a Fault

Billy Goat? Babe Ruth? Hell, those ideas are just for people who can't really face reality in the eye. Neither team is cursed by that.

What they are cursed by is something far more insidious - terrible management on all levels. I mean, from the field to the executive suite, we are talking about two teams more poorly run than Dilbert's company. Each team has had its blunders, past and present, with personnel moves (ask a Cubs fan about Greg Maddux, or a Red Sox fan about Jeff Bagwell) and on the field moves (hint to Dusty Baker and Grady Little - when the pitcher's arm falls off, it might be well past the time to pull them).

Unless Miracle Max has smart pills in his shack, he isn't about to do anything for these teams. The universe will chug along, and as existence heads towards heat death, which will prevent either team from winning, you'll hear both sets of fans scream the last words of the cosmos - "Next year will be the year!"

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

The Four Horsemen all the way baby! I've seen the omens on TV! I've been ignoring them but last night I saw the seventh sign! What would that be, you ask? Let me tell you:


The end is near folks! Head for the hills! Star Trek is finally going to win through sheer numbers! RRRUUUNNN!!!

- SXS (Can't sleep, the clones will eat me!)

... I live in the South. I live in a place where all I've been able to hear from people is "D'ja see thu PAINTHERS gaymm layst naght? Them Painthers wuz s'posed tuh looze, but dey din't! Now dey muh fayvritt teem, yup! Ah'mo watchum summore! Wheedoggles! Thank God fer SPORTS!" (translation: "Did you see the Panthers game last night? They were supposed to lose but they didn't. Now they are my favorite team. I'll watch them some more. *random unintelligible Southern- fried gobbledygook*)

I've had to endure redneck after redneck babbling insensibly and reminding me that I'll never amount to anything because I'm not interested in sports. There is no escape from sports anywhere I turn offline. Now I turn to Grudge Match, one of the few places I can ever find clever humor and what do I find? ANOTHER @%$# SPORTS MATCH!!! SCREW YOU, GRUDGE MATCH!!! SCREW YOU ALL!!!

- The Mysterious Dr. X

Well, well... it seems you guys didn't learn a damned thing from the Vikings vs. Bills Super Bowl match. Allow me to enlighten you as to how this seemingly friendly game of ball would effect humanity.

Sure, things would be fairly tame for the first few innings: a few minor quakes here, some acid rain there, and maybe a comet sighting or two. But, by the fifth inning or so, things start to get really ugly. Flash flood occur, the Holy Roman Empire rises again, locusts start popping up in droves on peoples' doorsteps in places OTHER than South Florida, and "The Anna Nicole Show" gets picked up for another season. By the time the 10th inning rolls around (with the game STILL scoreless, of course), the end is blatantly apparent: fire rains from the sky, the Red Sea lives up to its name by turning entirely to blood, and BOTH George W. Bush and Jerry Falwell actually make competent statements. Finally, in the bottom of the 12th, the ultimate sign of the apocalypse occurs as Britney Spears shows up at the home of Ron Jeremy looking for work (every heterosexual male I know agrees that this would be a sure sign of the end of the world, because heaven forbid that we should get even 5 seconds to bask in the glory of THAT inevitability).

To quote the Mighty Thor, I say thee NAY! If Miracle Max has even a quarter of a brain in his head, he'll give both these clowns a nice, thinly sliced MLT (Mutton, lettuce and tomato) sandwich (which, as we all know, is the most divine thing on the face of the earth) and send them on their merry way. Or, possibly he'll throw them both an anti-curse pill, and watch as Dwight's goes skittering through his legs ala Bill Buckner, while Ryne's is picked off by an interfering tree nymph. In either case, both guys will eventually wander off into the swamp only to be devoured by R.O.A.S.'s (Rodents Of Abnormal Size), thereby ENDING THEIR PAIN.

- RoboGoober Version 2 (Orioles fan - and witness to futility - since 1990)

This game would go the bottom of the 9th inning, tie score, bases loaded, two outs, full count....and then a freak accident would occur. The Buffalo Bills, Minnesota Vikings, Atlanta Braves, The Cincinatii Bengals, the Motreal Expos, and the New York Knicks, all hearing about this miracle pill that can lift curses, rush the stadium in order to find out where it is and how they can nab it for themselves the ensuing riot would result in 500 dead, thousands injured, and a bunch of very seriously pissed off, and still sucky teams.

- Dane "The New Prodigy"

Isn't fire and brimstone just a little more interesting to watch?

- The Genie

Well, I could do this the logical way, tallying up vital numbers from years gone by. But who listens to statistics, anyway?

There's definitely going to be divine influence in this match-up, I can tell you that. Without it, the game would go on until the end of the world, a valuable asset for the Four Horsemen. For starters, we need to check how powerful each curse is. A mini-match between the casters, Babe Ruth and the goat, would be useless. Even as Babe Ruth is a pretty strong guy, there are records of goats that just up and kill their owners. Five seconds into the match, The Rage(tm) would kick in, and it would be a standoff until, what a coincidence, the end of the world. Even more points for the Horsemen.

If checking the power of each curse is impossible, a measure of each team's raw baseball skill would be helpful. The Cubs did get over quite a hurdle this season, but failed to win over the wild card Marlins. Granted, the Marlins won the World Series, but that agonizing defeat after coming so close to the big time will shatter the spirits of the Cubs. For the Red Sox, their curse comes a little differently. Their bad luck comes so subtly that you don't notice it's there. It's the fact that they're in the same league as the Yankees. Because of this star-studded team, which happens to be the team they gave Babe Ruth to, the Red Sox have been running low on morale for quite a while. It still looks like an even match, and it still looks like an easy victory for the Four Horsemen. But, Armageddon will fail to be the reason for the end of this match.

God, realizing that this baseball game will result in severe human torture, will do everything and anything to cancel this match. So, the Horsemen will fail to do one job, but at least at the end of the world, they'll manage to do something right.

Final Score: Armageddon in a blowout

- Syckls

Miracle Max: I love these silly teams. You'd think they'd ask who my clients are before the game.

Steinbrenner: Here's the $50 million for the anti-curse pill. After three years without a World Series, we certainly need it. Oh and let Boston win, so I can see the look on their faces afterwards.

Miracle Max: That'll cost you an extra 25 million.

Steinbrenner: Here, it's worth it.

- Anonymous

Okay, we must first look at the reasons for a curse on each team... slightly modernized for the youngsters and non-sports minded people. The Cubs have a curse from a goat(hold your baaaaaaaad puns until the end) and the Red Sox have theirs based on a candy bar. Ok, so a goat can eat a candy bar or for that matter, a peice of clothing. Also, a bear(if just a youngster) also has the ability to swallow nuts and chocolate. The only way this look MIGHT work for Boston is if the bear was faced with a stinky sock, the bear would have to run in fear. That's 3 to 1 over Boston, meaning Boston's only hope would be a Cubs fan not paying attention to the game.

- Shawn A.K.A. KOR...BTW, I am not a fan of either team

Declined to vote on this contest, which is basically to sort out who has the silver, who the bronze medals of baseball curses.

And the Gold medal?

Note Well: since 1920, the Boston Redsox have won four pennants ('46, '67, '75, '85); the Chicago Cubs have won five pennants ('29, '32, '35, '38, '45). And who, in that span of time, has won but a single pennant? The Chicago Whitesox ('59) -- the franchise responsible for the most heinous event in baseball history, the conspiracy of several of the 1919 'Blacksox' players to throw that years World Series. This is surely the most accursed of all baseball franchises and, if their damned status is not so often brought to mind (as are the Redsox and the Cubs), it is simply because the origin of their desolation is so infamous that none wish to bring it to recollection.

- The Grey Eagle

The game starts with Chicago's Kerry Wood pitted against Boston's Roger Clemens on the hill. The Rocket proceeds to strike out or bean every single batter through the 8th inning, at which point he is pulled by manager John McNamara. The Red Sox are winning, 204-0, as every Red Sox Hall-of-Famer (from Ted Williams to Wade Boggs) contributes hit after hit over the poor Cubbies. Bottom of the ninth, two down, and Red Sox relief pitcher Tim Wakefield strides to the bump. Two-hundred-and-three straight knuckleballs later, Chicago has homered itself to within one run at 204-203. Sammy Sosa draws a walk, which brings up the great Ernie Banks. McNamara elects to go to the bullpen and brings in Spaceman Bill Lee, who lobs an eephus down the middle of the plate. Banks cracks it out on to Waveland Avenue, and the entire city of Chicago riots like a college campus in celebration. Harry Caray has a heart attack in Heaven, and must spend eternity in Purgatory unless the Cleveland Indians win the World Series next year. Stupid Curse of Rocky Colavito.......

- Grudge-Pops™: Three of these and you're out!

The Cubs have the "Curse of the Billy Goat Tavern"(that's a bar for you youngsters, but don't your parents I said so) and the Red Sox have the "Curse of the Bambino". It is a well known fact, especially thanks to John Goodman in the mid to late 90's, that Babe Ruth frequented the bars. In the end, Babe would be drunk and unable to stand, while the bar where he got drunk is still standing AND has Babe's money in their till. Stronger curse in the tavern's, therefore, Boston's curse is ended. Your winner(I can't believe I'm saying this) is the Boston Red Sox. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go THROW UP!

- The only resident of Vermont that hates Red Sox AND the Yankees

just a thought here, if the four horsemen win this match here, would they be eligible for the TOC 9?? then again, i guess we would also have to make Carrot Top eligible in the voting, but not like anybody would vote for him. but the four horsemen now, with all that biblical Wrath of God(TM) would be an excellent contenter in there, going up against the likes of Monty Python, The Wilkersons, and of course, Ah-nuld in the mix already...

- BIGMRG74 - a plague on anybody that starts with the letter O

The obvious winner can be determined by a mere definition of those involved.

Baseball- A game where men yell and throw things at each other while running around in suits that look like pajamas. No speed, no violence, no blood , no tackles, no sharp foot thingies.... just pajamas.

Red Sox and Cubs- Two teams that suck at the aforementioned game. They can't yell, throw, or run around in pajamas to save their lives. So since thats all they do, you can assume they will die due to the:

Apocalypse- A reign of terror and chaos sparked by a battle between the Almighty (Possibly Mel Gibson) and the Antichrist (Definitely Bill Gates). Plagues include 100 pound hailstones that crush men that wear pajamas (See Book of Revelation). Therefore both the Red Sox and the Cubs will die a horrible death.

Paul- The guy who commented against Canada in the USA versus Canada match.

Hotbranch- A Canadian.

So the winner is obvious. Gibson and Gates cancel each other out, the entire major league of baseball is crushed under, and Hotbranch unites the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadians under one banner enabling him to take over the world as they put Paul in one massive group body check. Canada then proceeds to become the ruling nation in the Post-Apocalyptic hockey game.

- Kryptonite <---(Is so obviously not a Canadian)

Well, I am a loyal resident of Boston, so I have to go with the Cubs. I can't think of anything more Boston-like (Bostonian?) than hating the Yankees (T-shirts saying "Yankees Suck!" are far, far more common around here than anything pro-Sox), and really, how much could we hate them if we ever beat them?

- Fish of Death-$3.99/lb

Paul, contrary to popular belief it's not Yankee fans we despise. In fact, as a baseball fan, I am obliged only to root for my own team, and not against any others except those who interests conflict with thsoe of my own team. This is why you see far more Cubs-hating White Sox fans than White Sox-hating Cubs fans. Sox fans are just of a lower intelligence.

But I digress. I've only been a true-blue baseball fan since 1998 (ironically, I was what one could consider a bandwagon fan, as I was just along for the wild card ride (more on that in a moment)). In that short time, I learned about all the heartbreak these two teams have experienced just within the past 25 years. '78, '84, '86, '99, and now '03. However, this was the first time that I had ever actually experienced that level of heartbreak personally. I was AT game 6. We were frickin 5 OUTS AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for yelling, but it's quite maddening. The only possible situation I could think as being worse than that game would be '86. I never truly understood Baseball Pain(TM) until Mr. Bartman reached for that ball, but now I know it all too well. So if one were to vote based on who has suffered more in any one season, I would have to give my vote to the Red Sox, because '86 was one of if not the most monumental collapses in baseball history. But if there is one thing that Baseball Pain (TM) has taught me, it's that true fans stick by their team in the worst of times, not just when they're winning. So in the interest of all of Chicago (yes, even the Sox fans) I will vote for the Cubs.

Now, on the subject of the wild card, this is what makes that series loss so frustrating. The Marlins may have had the best record in baseball for the last 5 months, but the fact is they weren't champions of their own division. They did not earn the right to face the Cubs. Bud Selig has destroyed the game of baseball, and because of it the wild card team has won the World Series three of the last seven years. So in reality, the question of "who will win" boils down to this: who came in second?

P.S. The Apocalypse thing gets a little old after the 5th person comes up with it.

- No hedging your bets, chief. -Smooth Jimmy Apollo

It's no curse. It is the deep civic patrotism of the great city of Chicago. Soon after world war two, the pentagon was running some computer simulations and determined that the perfect time for Russia to attack would be during the world series between the Yankees and the Cubs. New York being the larger media market refused to back down, but Chicago promised never to go to the World Series.

BTW how could you not mention the black cat from 1969?

- LetsPlayTwo

Stephen Hawking would seem to agree with the majority... check out this cartoon.

- Jeffrey

The two curses involved here are different and that will be what decides the issue. Let's examine them:

The Curse of the Bambino - This curse was from none other than the mighty Babe Ruth. Babe Ruth was a truly remarkable man. In any other sport, he would be considered hopelessly out of shape. Yet, he managed impressive performance in the world of baseball, setting records that stood for decades. Also, Babe Ruth had the ability to down huge quantities of beer then catch flies - not fly balls, but the small winged insects. Most people have trouble hitting them with a flyswatter when stone sober, but Babe Ruth could snatch them from mid-air while three sheets to the wind. These attributes indicate that the Bambino has almost supernatural power.

The Curse of the Goat - An elderly eccentric who has a thing for goats. Aside from his strange and unnatural interest in animals, this man possessed no special powers. A weak curse indeed.

Now, which type of curse would good ol' Miracle Max have the most experience dealing with, one hurled by a weak and eccentric old man or one from a person with near-superpowers? No contest. Max would most likely specialize in lifting curses from old loonies.

Therefore, the curse pill will only work for the Cubs. The curse of the Bambino is simply too powerful for a mere pill to cure. It requires skills beyond the ability of Miracle Max. Perhaps Gandalf might be able to do something about it.

- The Demented Astronomer

Given that I know next to nothing about baseball, I think it's time the US embraces that most civilised sport, cricket, as its Summer game. Imagine the crisp white uniforms, the thwack of leather on willow, the polite applause when the batsman hits a six, breaks in play for meals... Either that or strip poker.

- Sneaky Pete

Armageddon, get real, its's going to get called on account of something LAMe like RAIN. Baseball calls the game if it gets too cold! ask John Madden.

- GiJosh

You just don't get it. The Bo(ner) Sox lose because of a curse far more real and ultimately dammaging than the dreaded "Curse Of The Bambino". They lose because of the all too real "Curse of Piss Poor Management and Ownership"(TM) as well as "The Curse of Moronic Players". First off, The Sox didn't go into the tank just because they traded the greatest player of all time to the New York Yankees. They went into the tank because they ALSO traded away some of the best young pitchers of that era to the Yankees( Waite Hoyte, Herb Pennock, etc.), leaving themselves with very little build on for about 20 years. One thing most people don't even think of is: The Yankees got Ruth for CASH, they didn't even have to give up one single solitary player to get him. Same goes for their other aquisitions mentioned above. The Sox really just sold off big talent and got NOTHING in return. Fast forward about thirty years or so to 1950. Red Sox have a chance to sign a young, RIGHT HANDED, power hitting, base stealing machine, who also happened to be one hell of a defensive center fielder.(I emphasize the right handedness because Fenway is the best righthanded hitters park in all creation.) They could have signed the guy for 10 grand, much less than the New York Giants( who would eventually sign this future Hall of Famer) would shell out for the one and only, Say Hey Kid, himself: Willie Mays. If you know baseball, consider the possibility of a line up that features Ted Williams and Willie Mays batting in your 3rd and clean up slots. Yes kids, I'm scared too....but it was not to be, because, Survey Says(TM): The Sox had bone heads in their front office! Fast forward to the 1970's, a decade of disco, drugs, and three of the worst presidencies this country could ever suffer through. Speaking of drugs, there's Bill "Spaceman" Lee, picking a fight with Gregg "Superball" Nettles! Hmmm, now I'm no genius, but what do you suppose the odds are for a gangly pinko pitcher against a hard hitting, rough and tumble third baseman? Yeah, that's what I thought. Spaceman done lost his head and went after Nettles and got bodyslammed faster than you can say "Hulkamania". This is signifigant in that, the Spaceman, despite being a total bone head, was one nasty left handed pitcher, who was pretty damn good against the Yankees, particularly at Yankee Stadium. Spaceman was never the same after this encounter, and neither was the Boston rotation....and they sure could have used Space man on October 2, 1978....but instead, the vernacular was introduced to the phrase "Bucky-Bleepin'-Dent". Tragic....(hehe). This one falls under the Curse of Player Stupidity, much like Johnny Pesky holding on to a ball long enough for a guy to score from first base on A SINGLE. 1986: You all know the story, I won't elaborate, but Macnamarra pulled future Hall Of Famer, Roger Clemens after seven innings in game six of the series, in favor of Calvin "Gag" Schiraldi and Bob "Gas Can" Stanley. Now, in the present day, the Sox have one third of their payroll wrapped up in three players, all of whom, they're trying to get rid of. Problem is, these players made thier deals with Dan "What Am I Doin?" Duquette, the same general manager who said of Roger Clemens " He's in the twilight of his carreer...", great assement, had it been made say, TWO WEEKS AGO. But, like I said, this a curse of Front Office Stupidity....Duquette said that seven years, three Cy Young awards, and two World Series rings ago. Then of course, there's Grady "Goat" Little, and the whole Game 7, eighth inning thing. Folks, this team isn't just haunted by the Babe, it's haunted by more than eighty years of stupidity.

Final score: Cubs 10, Red Sox 9, in 10 innings after The Cubbies rally for 9 with 1 out in the ninth and then win it on bases loaded passed ball in the tenth. Pedro Martinez is so irrate with the outcome, he beats up Miracle Max and Dusty Baker's kid, just to proove he's "STILL THE MAN!".

- Walker: Plexus Ranger

Okay, so Death, Pestilence, War, Famine and a baseball fan walk into a bar in the year 2143. Death quickly goes to a table and kills the customer there in order to get a free drink. Pestilence orders a meal, "finds" maggots in it, and demands that he be allowed to eat for free. War turns two life-long friends against each other, and steals their pretzels. Famine simply steals food from people without explaining.

The bartender is shocked, and starts to call the police but the baseball fan stops him. "Sir, these four threaten to end the game between the Cubs and the Sox. Do you really want to risk being the one responsible for not letting these two finish?"

- Affy

The Cubs win, plain and simple. Here's why.

The Killer B's - and no, I don't mean the SNL skit or the old WWF Tag Team. Look at their history with the letter "B"

Babe Ruth
Bucky F'n Deny(tm)
Bill F'n Buckner
Arron F'n Boone

And the latest, on the Cubs line-up, Ernie Banks (soon get a new middle name.)

That and when Steve F'n Bartman shows up for a ticket, Sammy Sosa cracks his corked bat over Bartman's head.

- Vinnie M.

All I gotta do is find the right Grudge Match precedent to see who will win this match. Let's see... Red Sox... Red Shirts... Red- Shirted Ensigns! Genius! And they got fried by Stormtroopers! The Cubs win!

- Thought Police

It seems that we've forgotten an essential player in this. Gary Hobson! That's right, the guy from Early Edition who get's tomorrow's news today (and was born and raised in Chicago) would surely intervene on the part of the Cubs. What football team did Hobson help out when their QB was kidnapped? Da Bears. And what basketball star did he say a little boy, bald from chemotherapy, looked like? Michael Jordan, of Da Bulls. And what baseball team pitched a no hitter in the fourth season of the show, with the help of Mr. Hobson? That's right, the Cubs. If the end of the world is eminent, or the Cubbies are gonna lose, Gary'll see it a day in advance and make sure it doesn't happen. This is, of course, after he stops a little girl from being crushed in a garbage compactor and a little old lady from being thrown screaming from a helicopter.

- The Jester

Now look here, there are 4 things that are certain in this world. 1. Bill Gates' real name is Satan. 2. Gravity always makes things fall down. 3.The Cubs can never win an important game. 4.The Red Sox can never win an important game. Now, considering these four facts we can conclude that the instant that either team scores the winning run, everybody will imediately fall into the sky, and Bill Gates will order his minions to destroy the earth. Even Miracle Max is no match for Anti-Gravity (tm) and Bill Gates' Evil Minions (tm).

- A Leprechaun called 'Knuckles'

The last time the Cubbies came to the World Series was the year we dropped the atomic bomb. So they stand a chance of winning this match if Iraq really pisses America off.

- Darth Snarky

The Way I see it this is like pitting Star Trek Against Itself with the "Star Trek Must Loose" Rule in Full effect.

- The Fifth Horseman

As I know nothing about either of the two teams, I shall have to make my decision based on the teams' names. Now, the cubs is, let's face it, a pretty pansy name. Seriously, why would you name a sporting team after a baby animal? That's hardly going to inspire fear in your opponent. However, they appear to be competing against an article of clothing. A misspelt article of clothing, at that. In my experience a kitten could establish its dominance over a jacket, so I don't think a cub would have too much problem reducing a pair of 'sox' to yarn.

- Aaron

Like most good Grudge Match (TM) matchups, the principal combatants are not the only consideration. Consider the two teams that are the Cubs and Sox archrivals. The team that hates the Sox more than any other is the Yankees, who have won more World Series and have more tradition than any other team on the junior circuit. The team that hates the Cubs more than any other is the Cardinals, who have won more World Series and have more tradition than any other team on the senior circuit. Since the Cubs and Sox can't beat their way out of the proverbial wet paper bag, the real battle is whether the Cardinals can beat the Sox curse before the Yankees can lift the Cubs curse. Since the Cards have beaten the Yankees three times in the five times they've faced each other in the World Series; Cards win, Cubs lose.

- Bob Gibson (on his day off)

Let's analyze the curses. The Red Sox have gotten close to winning it all countless times, only to lose in the end due to ridiculous oddities that don't make sense (Bucky Dent's bat, Bill Buckner's legs, Grady Little's brain). On the other hand, the Cubs haven't gotten anywhere near a title in 58 years, and then only because the rest of the National League was fighting a war at the time. Though the Cubs never come close to winning it all, they still have their share of ridiculous oddities that don't make sense (trading Brock for Broglio, letting Greg Maddux go, letting Ozzy Osbourne sing).

Both have a supposedly rabid fan base which nonetheless prays for their teams to lose, as otherwise they would have nothing to whine about. Both talk about their teams' glorious past, despite that they've won fewer titles put together than the DETROIT TIGERS (Yeah, the ones who lost 119 games this year). And fans of both teams smell kind of funny.

So what will happen in the actual game? Well, the Cubs will taper off early, giving up 6 runs in the 2nd inning and falling behind 9-1. The Red Sox will appear to have the game in hand, when in the bottom of the ninth, something devastating happens. No, not the Apocalypse... I don't want to die. But since I'm safely away in California, a meteor shower would do nicely. An astroid the size of Wrigley Field comes to Earth and crushes... well, Wrigley Field. Both teams and their fans perish, and the curse stays...

P.S. I don't actually care who wins, be it the Red Sox, the Cubs or the meteor... as long as the Yankees lose.

- Cursemaster Lloyd

I don't watch baseball.
I don't know baseball.
I don't LIKE baseball.

But one thing I do like is a good Armageddon. Play ball!

- Spasm - You know you want to!

If the Cubs are so accursed that their winning the World Series would bring Armageddon, surely the Detroit Tigers winning the World Series would mean the Second Coming of Christ.

- The Vigilante "I'm afraid of the future!"

Didn't you people read Shane's commentary?! A vote for armageddon is a vote for the &*$@-ing YANKEES!!!

- FortyTwo

The Bambino Curse even continues into the grave.
Who is the most famous player in Sox history?
Ted Williams obviously.
And what happened to Ted after he was dead?

His children fought over ownership of his corpse, before his son triumphantly had a company freeze his body to insure a future generation of clones with a perfect swing.

They cracked his head while removing it to keep in a seperate container after they completed the process of freezing his body.


Not only does The Curse continue until after death, but the Bambino is apparently a particularly malicious bastard to boot.

Even in death, the Sox know no peace and in life, they shall know no victory.

- Ubiq- All they need is to have both teams on SI and a EA Sports game cover.

Finally, a match I can think about when I have to supress an unwanted erection.

- MonkeyDog

Ryne brought a baseball bat. Dwight brought some baseball tickets. Now they're about to duke it out. It doesn't take Joe Pesci to figure out how this is going to end.

- Albatross

Alright, so the Four Horsemen are on their way. I'm not the kind of guy who'd make the obvious decision, so the real decision is who can outlast Armageddon.

Round 1: The average horse is five feet tale. The average dark horseman is six feet. The average sword is is five feet long Thus, any players taller then... say, 6'2 would get cut down in the first wave of attack. Bye Bye Bronson Arroyo, Derek Lowe, Scott Sauerbeck, David Ortiz, Matt Clemet, Kyle Farnsworth, Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Carlos Zambrano, and Damian Miller

Remaining players:
Red Sox: 14
Cubs: 10

Round 2: One of the horseman is equipped with a bow. A bow's pretty hard to outrun. I would suspect anyone over 200 pounds wouldn't be able to dodge it. See you later Tim Wakefield, Doug Mirabelli, Jason Varitek, Kevin Millar, Gabe Kapler, Trot Nixon, Manny Ramirez, Joe Borowski, Mike Remlinger (too bad. I really liked him), Paul Bako, Aramis Ramirez, Randall Simon, and Sammy Sosa.

Remaining players:
Red Sox: 7
Cubs: 4

Round 3: It's at this point when the players start to fight back. Since Death is the most fragile of the bunch, all the pitchers come foward to lob a couple of balls. The Horsemen want to get this over with, so they attack the biggest threat, which happens to be the Red Sox pitchers. See you later, Scott Williamson, Alan Embree, and Pedro Martinez. A good right-hander cast by Juan Cruz knocks Death off his horse and onto first base, where he crumples into tiny bits. Tiny bits. Bits tiny.

Remainding players:
Red Sox: 4
Cubs: 4
Horsemen: 3

Round 4: The Horsemen start to find this thing all boring, and run off to find some Amish people to torture. The eight remaining players blink at each other and...

Ah, crap. I got nuting. This is stupid.

- Killer B

I was really scared to hit the apocalypse button. Ever since the Carrot Top debaucle I have been leary of any "both mangled and killed" button. But I had faith in the system. But then i thought about the Carrot Top debaucle again. Dear God why? So I voted for the cubs in a cointoss.

- Rishar

Let's face it. Financially both the Cubs and the Red Sox would be worse off if they ever did win the World Series. They make more money being lovable losers than they ever would as winners. Not only do they get more income from the fans as they once again come close but don't quite make it, but they save on payroll costs as well. That's why these two teams will never meet in the World Series. One of them would have to lose by winning. Of course, one can overdo the losing bit. Just look at the Tigers for a good example.

- Ernest Cline

ook, mate. This match is already over. As Paul said "I am a Yankees fan. I am an expert on why the Red Sox will lose" This explains the match clearly. Who is in charge of this match? Miracle Max. Who plays Miracle Max? Billy Crystal. What does this mean? Did any of you see *61? Billy Crystal is a huge Yankees fan. After the Yankees lost the world series, Billy will be out for blood. And the Yankees biggest nemisis? The Red Sox. By the time this match is over, don't be suprised if Nomar Garciaparra ends up being taken out by the mob. (he has conections from Anaylze This) Plus, the Red Sox have Pedro Martinez pitching for them, so Billy Crystal will use the newly invented Don Zimmer's Revenge Factor(TM) The Cubs win, and crucify Steve Bartman.

- There is no running from Billy Crystal

Geez, you guys think this is bad....At least the Cubbies and BoSox have been competitive for many of these years. I've a diehard Milwaukee Brewers fan, but I have accepted the fact that A-Rod makes as much as the Brewers entire payroll.....

- <-<-Orion->->

Hmmmm.... Boston and Chicago, eh? Well Chicago always sounded like crappy mom-n-pop pop to me. Yeah they tried to bridge the gap with their song "25 or 6 2 4", but what the hell was that really about? I mean, there's no mistaking what "boogie tonite, gotta keep on tokin" means. No, I gotta go with Boston. Not only do they rock with real electric guitars, they have cool album covers. So what if all their albums sounded just like the first one, it was good. Do you realize how bad it would suck if all Chicago songs sounded like "If You Leave Me Now"?

- Trickster

I have determined analytically that the Boston Red Sox would win this contest. It will be because of a curse, but not the Sox's Curse of the Bambino or the Cubs' Curse of the Goat. Think about it. If it appears that one of these two teams will permanently lose their respective curse, logically, this would be highly publicized within the sports world. Specifically, it would be the cover story in the next issue of Sports Illustrated.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

The SI Cover Jinx.

Consider that during the League Championship Series, SI ran two separate covers of its latest issue: one with a Cubs player, and one with a Red Sox player. Who got to the World Series? Marlins and Yankees. I rest my case.

Reading this, you may wonder just why the Red Sox would win from this. Well, in my opinion (which for the purposes of this anaylisis I certainly hope is right), the Cubs are, nationally, a more popular team. And a major national magazine is going to appeal to the people, right? Therefore, Sports Illustrated will put a Cub on the cover, and subsquensently spell out their doom.

You also may wonder why SI would not do a two covers like in the LCS. This is because SI is smart enough to know not to fool with paradoxes. Sports Illustrated is well aware of their jinx; in fact, this was the enitre reason for the two covers in the LCS; they saw a possibility for mass torsion of the universe and decided to nip it in the bud. At least that's my theory. Anyway, with both teams cursed by the Cover Jinx, neither team could win yet one of them would have to, thus creating a paradox. In other words, cue The Four Horsemen.

For these reasons, the Red Sox would win. However, their curse would not be removed. As it has been said, the Sox always get thisclose before snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Therefore, as soon as the final out of the final inning is made, and the Sox have won, the curse-lifting pill would immediately implode, gone forever.

And so, the moral of the story is: Find a curse-recieving pill and give it to the Yankees already.

- Jonathan

Hmmmmm.... goat! its what for dinner!

- the Babe

The four horsemen are death, war, pestelence and famine. If that isn't a metaphore for new york and their teams I don't know what is.

- ex agent

Amid the carnage of sucking, two teams duck amid the carnage.

Buffalo Bills: Shouldn't we do something?
Minnesota Vikings: Naaaaaaaaa..........

- Budo, actually happy to be a Mets fan.

Today's weather forcast for Hell: 5-10 feet of snow with 50 mph winds coming from the northeast. The high will be just below freezing and the Low will be about -250 F tonight. If you are a damned soul, I suggest you make a stop at Walmart for those winter coats.

- Cre8engr

The Red Sox have not won a World Series since 1918, yet they are still the second most expensive property in Major League Baseball Monopoly(tm), behind those damn Yankees. That's pretty impressive.

But I digress. The Sox need this win. There's no telling when they'll win next, but it's already been proven that he Cubbies will win the World Series in 2015 so they don't need that pill as desperately. They just need to sit back and wait 12 more years.

- Mike Brzeski (Thank God for Back to the Future)

ACK!!! Red Sox vs. Cubs... the world's gonna end!!! BRING ON THE APOCALYSE!!!

(so where are YOU spending eternity?? :)

- Chucho

I think this is the first grudge match I've seen where a vote of "Both Killed and Mutilated" is based upon immutable laws of physics rather than hatred.

- Armagrodden

Forget the Rage Factor(tm), Mentos Coolness(tm), Or even The Babe Factor(tm). There's a new factor in town.

EMMMCTB (Super tm) factor.

"How does it work?", You may ask.

Eeeney Meeney Miney Moe Catch a Tiger by the Toe.......

- Lose Weight Now! Ask Me How!

The only way this can come to an end is that God sends War and his homies to take them all to that big bullpen in the sky.

- Baron Soontir Fel

Baseball has another great tradition. It being "America's Game." But wait! If the best pitchers in baseball are a guy from Montreal, and a guy who pitches for Toronto, then surely Canada must have a say in things pitcher related. So, in my opinion, the Canadian pitching gods will tilt the favour of the game for the Cubs, who have another Canadian pitching, Mr. Fergie. Chicago wins and the people of Chicago vote to become the 11th province in a show of gratitude.


It is simpily a matter of logic. God has declared that neither of these teams will win. So by taking a hint from Dogma that if either of these teams win it will result in immedeate destruction of the earth becouse God would be wrong. When all else fails blaime the Catholics

- Jaded Confession

Top of the 8th, somewhere inside Wrigley Field

Al: Well kids, looks like The Bundy Curse has finally been lifted! Today I already caught all the green lights to and from work, then I heard all of my favourite songs on the radio, one after another! I called the station to ask what was going on, and I ended up winning a huge random-caller cash prize, PLUS these great seats! Best of all, when I got home, I found your mother dead on the couch! And now, the Cubbies are going to win it all! Seeing the Cubs win this game has been a lifelong dream! This is a momentus day for the Bundy Family! Ha ha ha!!
Bud: (And now I might finally be gettin' me some!)
Kelly: See Daddy? I told you all that lucky rabbit's food I bought would pay off! Although personally I don't see what makes carrots so lucky.
Al: ... thanks Pumpkin.
Bud: That's lucky rabbit's FOOT you moron! ... Hey Dad, why is that little old man two rows down shaking his finger at you?
Al: Probably because I reached over his head to catch the last three foul balls. Hahaha!

Meanwhile, Two Rows down:

Miracle Max: That's IT! I know I've seen that jerk with the Cubs hat somewhere before! That man is the spitting image of Vezzini Bundy, the village idiot who made fat-jokes about my mother! He won't enjoy THIS game for very much longer!

Top of the ninth

Announcer: Welcome back to the game, sports fans! It's been a hell of a game so far, as the Cubs lead the Sox by a staggering eight runs with just one out to go! This is Boston's last chance at winning, and boy, they're going to need a miracle! ... And here's the pitch - it sails down the right field line ... now it's going foul, but Sosa has a chance to end it now! The ball is sinking, and Sosa grabs - wait! A red-headed fan has snagged the ball! Sosa can't believe it! Here comes the replay on the Jumbotron, and boy is this crowd upset! Now, the woman, avoiding popcorn and pretzels thrown from above, is now trotting towards a man who looks like local hooligan Al Bundy.

Al: PEG! What are you doing here?
Peg: Hi honey! Look what I snagged for you! A foul ball from a big-league game. Aren't you happy?
Al: But, I thought you were dead!
Peg: Dead? No, I was just sleeping on the couch! I had a long day - that Oprah marathon really tired me out.
Al: Don't you realize what you've done, woman? That out could have won the game!
Peg: Oh relax, you big crybaby. Chicago is up by eight runs - what could happen?

Thunder is heard, and lightenting fills the park

Announcer: Well would you look at that! Lightening has struck Cubbies closer Bruce Sutter, AND the Chicago bullpen! Everyone's alright, but it looks like Chicago will need a new pitcher, and fast!

Nine homeruns and three quick outs later

Peg: Cheer up, Al. There's always next year!
Al: ... waaa ... darn curse. What else could go wrong?
Stadium speaker: Attention to the owner of a ... rusty ... dodge, license plate 1-L-0 , 5-E-R: your car has been flattentend by Rosanne, and is being towed away.

- Dom - Mr. T was born in Chicago - I'll bet he'd throw Bundy helluva far for this

Regardless of what happens, sox fans will be chanting Yankees Suck by the bottom of the third.

- Brad

Being a Red Sox fan, I was going to take this time to explain, slowly and patiently, why the Sox would beat the Cubs like red-headed stepchildren. Unfortunately, fate intervened.

I thought to myself, "Self, what would be the weirdest way to compare these two teams?" The answer came when I unexpectedly started thinking of the new Matrix movie, and how the Oracle looked different.

"The Oracle. That's it! The Oracle of Bacon!" I thought. So I jumped right over to the Oracle's site at the University of Virginia, and plugged in the names of everyone on the Red Sox roster.

The results were a little disappointing. Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez both have Bacon numbers of 3. Derek Lowe, Pedro Martinez, and David Ortiz all came up, but they weren't referring to the baseball players. The rest... nothing.

Now, since I'm not a Cubs fan, I know very little about their lineup. So I plugged in one of the few names I know. And wouldn't you know it? Sammy Sosa (yes, the ballplayer with the corked bat) has a Bacon number of 2! TWO!

So, unfortunately, this bit of irrefutable "logic" says the Cubs should win. According to what little checking I did, it also says that Kevin Bacon has never done a baseball movie. Interesting, huh?

- Scotty J. Loyal Sox, Celts, 49ers, and Flyers fan. (why not Bruins and Patriots? I've got my reasons.)

One solid vote for Armaggedon(TM). Why? I'll tell you why! Because you got ORGANIZED SPORTS in my POP CULTURE, and I can't think of a better reason to terminate the whole ing(TM) simulation. Bandy it up with goats and bambinos all you like, its still reeks of everything that the pasty internet slugs who you USED to represent hate and fear. Still, I'm not angry, just-

- Raw Disappointment Incarnate

i want the cubs to win, but can i still get the collectable commentators salt-shakers?? or do i gotta go and find them on ebay like everybody else??

- samual l. sosa

You know, we wouldn't have this problem if some old fart didn't have a pet goat, and had a goldfish, or a hamster, or a tapeworm instead.

- Big Daddy Hydro Man

The Cubs have this one locked for three reasons:

(1) The arbitrator in this event is Miracle Max. His alter-ego, Billy Crystal(TM) accounts for 372 hours of the Ken Burns' 37,203- hour long documentary, Baseball, in which he makes it very obvious that he is a Yankees fan. No Yankee fan will ever help out the Red Sox.

(2) The Red Sox curse is more potent. The aforemention 94,227-hour long documentary contains a 435-hour long segment entitles "The Curse", featuring the BoSox. Conversly, the film contains almost no material on the Cubs after the 1908 season,with the exception of a 28-hour feature on "The Called Shot" and a perfuntory 35-hour biography of Ernie Banks.

(3) No Red Sox player (indeed, no player in baseball history) has ever had a nickname as cool as "Three-finger Brown".

- Mark-Disgruntled Cubs fan since 1984

Come on, we all know that the Red Sox and the Cubs are NEVER destined to win a World Series ever again. Like, the best chance for either of them to win was in this year's Champiosnhip League playoffs: if BOTH went on to the World Series, ONE TEAM should have won, right?

And they were on their way! The Cubs were ahead 3 games to 1, had a 3-0 lead going to the top of the 8th of Game 6. The Sox were ahead by 4-0 in Game 7 versus the Yanks, then 5-2 with but 6 outs remaining.

But we saw the Horsemen did their thing! To prove that NO TEAM CAN EVEN BE PLACED IN THE POSITION TO BREAK THE CURSE.

So one horseman took on the form of STEVE BARTMAN, the Cub "fan" who so enthusiastically ruined the chance of Matt Alou coming up with that catch in Game 6, and led to the Marlins' rally which took out all the fight from the Cubs.

And another Horseman also took on the form of GRADY LITTLE, the Bosox manager who did the stupidest thing imaginable and kept in Pedro Martinez when 99% of the time, any other manager would have gone to the pen in that situation. Then, he puts in KNUCKLEBALLER Tim Wakefield in extra innings, when everyone knows that you make a mistake with the knuckler and IT IS AN INSTANT HOMERUN. Which is what happened!

So fans, don't worry for the fate of Bartman and Little. They were never flesh and blood beings like us here now on Earth. They were sent by the Fates to perform the sacred duty of ensuring a defeat for both teams. They have gone back now to the underworld where they came from, and will be forgotten soon.

I know, because I wrote the novel which started it all.

- novelist Blasco Ibañez

I know, I know, this year is supposed to be different. The BlackRed Sox will try to throw the match, and newly- sensible Cubs fans will keep their hands to themselves so as not to "Do The Bartman." Cubbie hopes will be high, but astrologists and the chortling White Sox fans know better. And as the latter settle down for a good Chinatown dinner near Comiskey Park (a.k.a. "U.S. Sell-your-name Field") and examine their placemats, they will gloatingly remind each other of who 2003 really belongs to.

- Matt Bricker ("Hey, they're all moral victories!")

You guys are missing the whole point here. It DOESN'T matter who wins the baseball game! They are CURSED! Whichever team wins the game will get a curse-breaking pill from Miracle Max, but, due to the very nature of their curses, won't be able to use it properly. Three options exist:

1. Before the pill is able to be ingested, something will happen to the pill itself ( AKA they will "accidently" lose it) , therefore preventing the curse from being lifted at all!

2. Miracle Max is past his prime and couldn't concentrate when making the pill. Therefore, the pill is a dud and the curse is once again prevented from being broken!

3. Bud Selig informs the victorious team that the curse-breaking pill contains the previously undetectable steroid THG and whoever eats the pill will be suspended ( GASP ) WITHOUT PAY!

As you can see, there is no possible way either of the curses is lifted. As in all curses, something bad is bound to happen!


- Bobby Bob Billy Bob B. Bob Bob

I bet you get this one a lot, but it doesn't matter who wins.

You see, the pill will not be strong enough to lift either curse. After all, this is only Miracle Max. Admittedly, he did create the pill that brought the Dread Pirate Roberts (Westley) back from mostly- death, but he himself didn't think it would work (Max's Wife: "Do you think it'll work?" Max: "It'd take a miracle." Both: "Good luck, have fun storming the castle."). And anyway, reviving the hero in a fantasy romantic comedy so he can defeat the villian and get the girl is nothing compared to the task of overturning either of sport's most famous curses.

- James


I think the underdogs are going to win.


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Buffalo Bills v. Minnesota Vikings
Springfield vs. South Park
WKRP vs. The Sweathogs

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Next Match: Precious
ETA: November 25th, 2003

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