Santa Claus vs. Elves, Reindeer, and Teamsters Responses, The Sequel

We here at WWWF Ground Zero know that you have all been good boys and girls,
so enjoy this extra helping of responses. Bad boys and girls shouldn't read any further.
HEY! Did you hear what we just said? Now go on, git!

I saw Mrs. Ronnie kissing Santa Clause...
I pity the fool who mess with Santa!
(Thanks to Chris 'Jedi' Knight (again) for providing us with more footage).

Two days before the layoffs begin, Rudolph's girlfriend Clarice angrily storms into Santa's office and demands that "the old man" listen to labor representatives. Santa tells her to leave immediately or guards will escort her off the premises. Clarice refuses, goes back into the workshop and writes "UNION" on a piece of cardboard, boldly holds up her makeshift sign, and one by one the elves stop working. Clarice is arrested then released. The next morning she finds a computer-retouched picture of herself in a compromising position with another doe, gets the message and shuts up.

The elves refuse to leave the workshop. Tenuous negotiations break down and a sit-down strike begins at 12:01am. Santa arranges for strikebreakers. "Pinkertons" arrive: a motley crew of dwarves (any fan of Dungeons & Dragons knows that dwarfs are rivals of elves). The tear gas and rubber bullets fly. Several Teamsters get bloodied, an elf busts some ribs and Prancer breaks an antler, but otherwise the strikers remain in control of the workshop.

Herby, the only dentist at the North Pole, becomes the solitary elf to cross the picket line, to the screams of "scab!" Two days later he's found wearing cement overshoes off a New Jersey pier.

A power struggle erupts within the ranks of the strikers. Words are exchanged between Jimmy Hoffa Jr. and the green-clad Head Elf. The Head Elf is last seen in a car leaving a pasta restaurant, accompanied by two men named Vincent and Jules. He is never seen again, although an anonymous informant will late claim that the Head Elf was killed, put in a junked car and melted down, and is now millions of George Foreman grills being delivered this holiday season.

Santa Claus unloads his secret weapon to end the siege: using his "naughty or nice" powers, he to reveal the Teamsters' ties to organized crime. Later that day Santa narrowly escapes death when a sleigh-bomb explodes.

President Clinton signs an executive order demanding that Santa Claus take back the elves and reindeer. Santa retaliates by putting Clinton down for a lump of coal instead of the novelty cigar humidor he asked for. With no end in sight, Jon Lovitz is asked by the president to return as Hannukah Harry.

The crisis comes to an end, as a crafty Santa uses a loophole in NAFTA to shut out the elves, reindeer and Teamsters forever by relocating to Mexico and using desperate Oompa-Loompas (unemployed since Willy Wonka went high-tech) as cheap labor.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight has been an extra good boy this year and wants Santa to put a Gold Grudgie in his stocking

The teamsters all were sent proviking messages by Santa. All of the Teamsters, hoping to gain a crucial half-calorie to their paunches, licked the envelopes. And fell into a trance.

"I knew watching Seinfeld would give me a good idea or two," 'Santa' said to the elf foreman, removing his red jacket for a purple one. "Except, instead of poison, I used snozzberries on the glue." The 'elf' smiled a screaming orange grin, and picked his green pompadour.

Who would have known that snozzberries would have mesmerizing powers? Who would have known that Willy Wonka moved his operations up north (via the Great Glass Elevator), and made the Oompa-Loompas wear green and red? Who would have guessed that the "reindeer" are actually hyponitised teamsters, dropping off presents the way they normally pick up graft?

So if you get a little SASE letter in the mail with only the words, " we are the musicmakers, and we are the dreamer of dreams, bitch," don't lick that envelope else you'll get enlisted in the army of the Wonka.

partial present list 
Charlie--more beds for his swinging grandparents 
Violet Beauregard--iMac (guess the color) 
Veruca Salt--Cd single of Seether 
Augustus Gloop--the Nestquik bunny's sweet carcass 

- Wubbie

A picket line? IN LAPLAND? IN WINTER?! Come on, after 5 minutes huddled round a brazier all those workshy, dole scrounging layabouts are going to agree to anything just so they can scuttle back into the nice warm grotto. Most likely serfdom; or slavery. Come on, can you really see Rudolph doing Spartacus!? If this is your idea of a Christmas special it's a damn poor showing.

- Duc de Nevers (Lick my boot properly, you wretch!)

Well, John, if the dreaded HotBranch is going to be a major factor in Santa's victory, I have some sad news for you.
HotBranch won't be there.
The reason?
Well, Canadians are just too darned apathetic. Given the choice between:
A. travelling across long stretches of frozen tundra/rock/ice, even for such a noble cause of saving Santa, and
B. making the short trip to a cooler/keg/fridge/other container of beer, I think that HotBranch, like, oh say, about 90% plus of his compatriots, is headed for the brew this holiday season.

- Jeff the Real Canadian man.

I live in the Real North(tm). I know the Real North(tm). HotBranch! is no Real Northerner. Above the Arctic Circle, baby, unlike some wussified Montrealais cigarette-smoking Calvin-Klein-wearing lite-beer-drinking sissy boy. And if I think that about a fellow Dweller of the North But Not Quite as North as I, imagine my disdain for those even further south.

But I digress.

Unlike many of the correspondents likely vent their uninformed opinions, not only have I actually worked with union members, I've also worked with politicians (aka mental midgets, close relatives of elves) and I live amongst the reindeer (aka caribou).

The reindeer present no threat. Reindeer, as those of us who have not been brainwashed by Disney animatronic fakes well know, are incredibly stupid animals. They are so incredibly stupid that the standard tactic for hunting when faced with a herd of them is to drive into the middle and start blowing them away. They will conveniently stand still so that if you miss, or want another one, you can try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Until you either run out of bullets or get bored. S. Claus, CEO, has but to hire a few "public relations experts" and the reindeer will be decorating the inside of meat cartons. It's likely the teamsters are into fraud and taking advantage of the poor dumb beasts in trying to make their positions more solid than it actually is.

Elves. Pah. Pathetic little whiners. They're looking for an easy buck so often someone has just to plant the rumor that they're casting for a new Mini-Me for the next Austin Powers film and those greedy little trolls will be on the next flight south looking to become famous.

Now the Teamsters. Ooo, I'm so scared. Let them set up their picket lines, because once they do they've fallen into the clever trap laid by Claus. If this is a standard Teamster picket line, two things are true:

1. when it gets dark, most of the people on the line just want to get home to watch football and drink beer, leaving the new guys to sit out the night, and

2. the ones left behind will stand around burning barrels to stay warm.

Pansies from the south will probably not be aware of the critical flaw in this plan. Night at the North Pole is 6 freaking months long and Christmas is right in the middle of it. And those few guys on the line, wondering where the hell their buddies are, will soon discover that in the Arctic in winter there isn't anything to burn. Two days and freelance truckers are hauling cargo past a few Teamsickles sticking out of the snow.

Their picket line broken, the reindeer now in the form of hamburger, steaks and sausages and the elves whoring themselves on Hollywood and Vine (or in Congress) desperate for some eating money, the Teamsters are forced into a humiliating retreat while Claus technology spreads greater amounts of joy through the miracle of electronics and mass production.

- Keith of the North

So we've already distinguished that Santa Claus resides in Canada.

He has already won.

Let's go through the vast Canadian history of bad-asses, shall we?

It was (and still is) a Canadian that holds the record for the most kills by a war-time sniper: over 150 RECORDED kills (meaning there were WAY more).

Most of the best professional wrestlers are Canadian! You've got Bret Hart, Chris Benoit, Edge & Christian, and of course, Chris Jericho! Then everyone says wrestling's not real, but that's another story...

Everyone knows the story of how Houdini died when he challenged a guy to punch him in the stomach, right? Who knew that the guy was a university student from Montreal?

Back in the days of Muhammed Ali and George Foreman, there was another boxing hard-ass in the game: George Chuvalo. He may not have been a famous champion or anything, but he still has the claim to fame that no one has ever knocked him down or out!

Then we get into the hockey players, but there's simply not enough room for that...

So we may act kind and outgoing, happy & pleasant, but don't be fazed by these stereotypes. Canada churns out more hardened son-of-bitches than anyone else in the world!

So yeah, Santa wins.

- James

In order to derive which side will win, we must look at what drives the combants to the battle in the first place.

Elves: They were "Downsized." This leads to hatred for two reasons, A--They lost their jobs, and B--The word downsized was used to describe them.

At this level, they are akin to Japan in World War II, Greedy and Pissed.

Santa: Not fearful of being tortured/maimed/turned into Rudy Guiliani. No, he is terrified of losing his own job. As everyone knows, Santa's job is to deliver toys to all the good little children around the world; it should be noted that this only takes place once a year. Now, the other 364 days of fringe benefits are what he will be protecting. Most people would consider those fringe benefits as work, but to the self proclaimed King of the Pedofile's, how could having children bouncing up and down in his lap all day be considered work.

Therefore Santa is analogous to the US in the said war, expect that Santa will bomb their ass before they get within 100 miles of his workshop.

- Lord_Odin, who spent the last 36 hours straight playing sc3k, and is only up to 1.3 mil.

First off Santa would kick the living snot out of those Wizard of Oz throwaways.

The Elves most likely would try and negociate a deal with the teamsters in a effort to form a Anti Santa Coalition. But the reindeer would probably believe that the elves were getting to good of a deal and retaliate by stomping the teamsters and the elves into dust.

THis leaves the battle of all battles....Jimmy "Now you see me, now you don't" Hoffa VS Santa "1 day only" Clause. Hoffa has Jack Nicholson Portraying him which gives him the edge, but Santa gets so much accomplished in one day that he is not going to take crap from ol Jack. He will put on his boots and shove them so far up Jack's "Christmas Stocking" that the water on his knee will quench Jack's thirst. Plus he has all the toys you just know he has a Uzi in their or something for when he delievers to Detroit or Beruit.


I believe in reindeer and teamsters. I don't believe in elves or Santa Claus. Which gives you 2-0. What a match. Wheeeeee.

- GunGrrL

I voted for Santa because he was outnumbered.

Plus he has a great hat. For some reason, I like to vote for people with hats.

- Boba Foot

The reindeer go down within 5 minutes. Ever heard of The Night Santa went Crazy done by the Almighty Al? The man's definitely got the Rage (tm), as well as a German luger, a flamethrower, a rifle, is covered in ammo, he bombs the workshop, and takes out quite a big chunk of the Army, a pretty big task in itself. But I digress. Santa fought Lobo, arguably one of the most powerful, sadistic and insane bounty hunters(tm) on the face of the earth, for days on end with the Big Knife(tm) before he got stiffed by Lobo. Has anyone else seen that program yet where you're one of the elves in Santa's workshop? You have 9 seconds to assemble a toy. Sure it starts off easy enough. If you're good, you can even manage to finish a doll before Santa whips the heck out of you. Do you think the elves will be able to assemble even the most simplistic toys of today's society, much less have the energy to stand up to the big man when he's through whiping them? Very doubtful. Santa will step on the elves and barbecue the reindeer.

- Bri Rob the Caveman

You forgot one thing, the labor protesters formed an uneasy coalition with the environmental protesters and the Viet Nam-era protesters in Seattle. With environmental protesters involved, the US government will immediately take action against Santa to make certain Gore looks good for 2000. Santa should have waited a year or two after the battle in Seattle.

- A Vermonter

This one is easy. No matter how outnumbered Santa is, he has the most important advantage possible: he is basically STEVEN SEGAL.

Now, I know what you're saying... "I hate Steven Segal!" However, competence is not based on respect. Sure, the less mature of our society respect Steven Segal for his fighting abilities, much like the young folk respect, and believe in Santa Claus. The more mature of our society know that Steven Segal is a no-talent bum with terrible catch-phrases. This reflects Santa once again, since you complained about how "Ho Ho Ho" and "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night" were lame sayings yourself. SANTA=SEGAL!

So, now that we have an idea of how Santa stacks up as far as personality and ability, let's delve further into the situation. STEVEN SEGAL, NO MATTER HOW ANNOYING, IS ALWAYS VICTORIOUS! There's no denying that. Also, he's taken on large groups of disgruntled mercenaries, and he's always kicked their tails. I predict hooves and little pointy shoes scattered across Quebec, and given the incompetence of Quebec politicians, the mess will probably remain for approixmately a month.

If it wasn't for the fact that Santa has a beer belly, and a ridiculous beard, I'd swear he was Steven Segal himself. However, the beer belly identifies him as a Canadian native. He's fighting on his home turf. Also, if you've seen DOGMA, you know God is Canadian (Alanis Morrisette), so the odds are more than stacked in his favour.

Santa in 1 hour and 45 minutes.

- SilentSam

Santa Claus wins, of course, because we all know that Santa is simply a rearrangement of Satan.

Once the cute lil' elves get Santa riled, it will only be a matter of seconds before the Dark One breaks free of his rotund shackles and brings down the full wrath of Hell upon the unfortunate protesters.

Sadly, though, the North Pole will cease to exist, as all the ice will melt away as a testament to Santa's fiery wrath.

Marshmallows, anyone?

- Mary :)
AKA The Chick With The Calculator-Watch, Apprentice Jedi

Hmm, lets see . . . If Santa has robots to do all of his work for him, then why doesn't he created some robotic security gaurds (AKA Police force in USA and Canada, Brown(or Black)Shirts in Germany and Italy during the 1930's to the 1940's) and mow every single one of the striking loser's with some of those nuclear-powered lazers that he keeps on giving to the US and several other terrorist countries in their stockings? Just a thought.

- BF, son of RF

Ok, the elves and reindeer are basically cannon fodder. Mere pawns in the struggle. However, the Teamsters are another thing entirely. Can you say Jimmy Hoffa? Geez, Hoffa was the top man in the Teamsters, and he's now in the end zone of the Meadowlands or a bridge abutment somewhere. Santa, OTOH, is no teamster, and he's messing with the wrong guys. I imagine him being dug out of the ice a couple hundred years from now, when global climate change has heated up the North Pole, and a large iceberg floats south into New York Harbor... Imagine the archaeologists in 2034, finding his slushy remains and saying, "so, this is why there hasn't been a Christmas in 35 years!"

- Squidboy of the Windy City

Well, we all know when it comes down to real action, I mean PHYSICAL ACTION, that Teamsters will be useless. In the words of the mighty Homer, they are "lazy and surly." No match for the cheerful dynamo that is Kris Kringle.

The reindeer, well, I hate to burst anyone's bubble but they are dumb animals. Speedy, yes. Even somewhat Mighty. But they have been trained and conditioned through the harshest Pavlovian methods to OBEY their red-suited master, and when push comes to shove, they will.

Which leaves the elves. First let me dismiss with extreme prejudice the inevitable argument that these are somehow Tolkien-style warrior elves or something. These are greeting-card elves. These are Keebleresque elves. Cute is their stock-in-trade. And lets not forget that Claus, or more threateningly, "Klaus," is an elf himself, according to the Night Before Christmas, and a jolly old one to boot. He didn't rise to the top of the elf chain of command by accident. He is the Alpha Elf. The Michael Jordan of elves. He will win, by his very nature.

- thud

john and santa get this one, for the sake of creativity. who else could have pulled seattle --> flannel --> grunge rock --> nirvana into something like this? smells like christmas spirit to me....

- kurt

We both know the REAL Santa Claus would never replace the elves with automation. Therefore, the one in your match must be an imposter. Thus, the match can not count as a win for either side any more that the Q/Inspector Gadget match did. (The elves will count as the winners, but no one realy loses, except the imposter.)

- Michael Moon

No Rudolph + Foggy Christmas Eve = Dies like Sonny Bono.

- The Mystic Mongoose, aka Robert W. Armstrong


Don't mess with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Those horns can hurt.

- O.P.

My vote goes to SANTA, Why? Ever Saw "Jingle all the Way"? We say 10+ Badass kickass Santa´s!!!!! Not even the EVIL ARMY OF ELVES (TM) Could beat em!!!

- Chosto (

Have you seen those Department store Santas? A lot of them look either drunk, mean or rabid.

Do you know how many malls there are in this country alone?

Do you think even Elves and Reindeer - even Teamsters, I might add - can stand up to that many nasty, disgruntled, mean scab-Santas?

How many of your readers even know what a "scab" is, in reference to stikes?

Even the Tick almost got beat by all those Santa clones - what chance do mere short guys, union guys and furry mammals have?

- The bunyip

As we have seen in various movies there is always a long line of people ready to take up the mantle of Santa Clause.

Example #1: "The Santa Claus(e)"tm. An everyday business man is recruited by the santa clause to take over the duties of delivering toys around the world.

Example #2: "Ernest saves Christmas" tm. An inept moron comes to the rescue to help the old Santa Claus save christmas and convince the next in line for the roll of Santa

Example #3: "Santa for a day" A father with a questionable background proves that even the not so pure can be Santa. therefore you have at least half the world to come to Santa's aid

Example #4: (from the files of "How Hanukka Harry saves Christmas" . Even those members outside the christian faith are ready to lend a hand to help Santa Claus in his time of need.

Example #5: "Scrooged". with the move that killed the 80 year old woman. Santa proved more thatn capable with fending off any attacks with his ample stash of weaponry and aid coming in the form of Steve Austin (6 million dollar man (tm.)).

With all this support , how do the teamsters expect to overcome such odds.

Santa and loyal company will only be put back a couple of hours and after christmas is over they will all dine on reindeer pot pie and a side order of buff"elf"o wings

Hail to Lord Claus(e)

- Loyal Claus follower: Ian Martin

okay, let's take a look at Santa Claus for a minute. He's chubby, he's tubby, and to me, he looks disturbingly like a certain comic book character. A comic book character in the X-Men known as THE BLOB (tm)! think about it, imagine the blob with a wig, and a beard, and in the costume. . .that's what it is! I TELL YOU! THE BLOB(tm) IS SANTA CLAUS' ALTER EGO THAT HE CREATED TO WORK YEAR ROUND AS A CRIMINAL ARCHVILLAIN! you know he has to get bored during the rest of the year and what better way to relieve that holiday stress by exploiting one's blubber and beating the living crap out of the X-men

so as far as fighting elves, reindeer, and teamsters, remember the catch phrase. . ."NOTHING MOVES THE BLOB (tm)!"

A bunch of scrawny elves, reindeer, and teamsters are no match for a towering hulk of immovable blubber, and let's not forget that Santa Claus (aka THE BLOB (TM) as soundly and completely proven above) could bring in his friends MAGNETO (TM) and THE JUGGERNAUT (TM) and waste them even more

- Hamletto, the real JUGGERNAUT (tm)

Three things stand against Santa:

1. Drugs: As jolly as Santa is, he must undoubtedly be smoking the "opiate of the masses."

2. Dialectical Christmas Materialism: the inevitable force of history (trademark, Hegel) pushes ever onward to the dictatorship of the elven proletariat.

3. Lack of Mafia connections: Jimmy Hoffa's son runs the Teamsters now. Nuff said.

Ergo: Santa's drugged butt will be at the bottom of the Hudson with a pair of cement shoes as the world enters the elven Workers Paradise.

- LT Dan

I have but one piece of evidence to bring for santa, and it should be enough: the weird al song "the night Santa went crazy" he killed everybody, and only the FBI could stop him.

- Jedi0 Bob

UN Security Council 
"Thank you Mr. Claus. The chair now recognizes the honorable 
ambassador from elfdom." 
The elf slowly walks up to the podium. He eyes the crowd, and takes 
his shoe off." 
He thwacks his shoe on the podium. 
"For breaking decorum and threatning destruction, you will be fined 2 
The elf walks over to Mr. Claus, and shows how he has bought some 
Soviet ICBM silo's in Siberia. (It cost them 5 dollars per silo and 
promise to include in the worldwide proletariot revolution to come.) 
"Perhaps I was a bit hasty." 

- The One Who Knows Too Much

I thought these guys were on vacation in the Bahamas having Fed-ex doing all the deliveries.

As for HotBranch being a threat: Quebec = French. And we know what being French means on Ground Zero.

- Topcat

This is an interesting case but I think that it's obvious that Santa cannot possibly win. You see, he has made a drastic error when replacing his work force. He should have taken a cue from Nike and Kathie Lee Gifford and employed children from Third World countries to make his toys. By doing this, he could have paid his workers with the presents they'd be receiving anyway, thus drastically cutting costs. And robots need maintenance. He could just let the children wander out into the snowy wastes and get some new ones, lickety- split! He could then redistributes the toys at Christmas time, making the whole operation have ABSOLUTELY NO LABOR COSTS AT ALL. My guess is that the elves, well versed in exploitation from years of abuse by Santa will take advantage of this valuable resource and form a credible challenge. With the economy doing so well, there will likely be plenty of investors for the elves and reindeer to get off the ground, plus they'll be ready to work hard, unlike the complacent Santa, whose regimen of cookies and milk over the years has made him terribly soft. Santa, your days are numbered.

- Ex-Batman

"...when the boss busted in, nearly scared them half t'death. 
Had a rifle in his hand, n'cheap wiskey on his breath. 
From beard to his boots, he was covered with ammo. 
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled, Uletide Rambo. 
And smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye, 
'Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gunna die!'" 

Take it from Weird Al,you don't want to mess with Santa...

- The Animator

Based on the early voting results, Santa holds a slight advantage over the Elves, Reindeer, and Teamsters(Henceforth known as the ERT's). But what Santa doesn't know, is that the ERT's are bringing in another ally in the ever growing strugle of the wage workers versus their heartless masters: the patron saint of the pissed-off worker, Stone Cold Steve Austin! After the ERT's gave Austin a few free "Steve-weisers" Stone Cold was ready to give the "Fat man" what he deserves. After Steve is done with him, Santa will have no choice but to take back the reindeer and Elves, or face the possibility of Austin taking over as "Santa Steve" for the year.

- Mattkind

The elves and reindeer have the Teamsters on their side. Ande everyone knows you don't mess with the Union.

Santa ends up in little tiny pieces.

The elves and reindeer take over.

- Jennifer

Guys (and Gals, respectively), the Jolly Fat Man is a bonafide SAINT. Capable (according to the statues of the Catholic Church) of performing miracles. And, for those of you who saw DOGMA (long live Kevin Smith!!), the Powers that Be are not to be trifled with!

Now-- is ANYone going to aregue with Kevin Smith (aka, the Mighty Jedi, Silent Bob) himself!?!

^_^ Didn't think so.

**"But I'm a f***in' demon....!" -Azrael, of DOGMA

MORE importantly, did any one ELSE see *MR. T* in that commercial with the Mini-Me guy from Austin Powers 2? ^o^ Good to see the main man still in action..... although, all he was doing was getting the mail........

- D@t@-Kun

Santa's got this one down. Look at the guy. He's huge! All he has to do is fall down, and he's KO'ed about 50 of those pint-sized protesters.

- ~SoulHunter

FACT: Elves are short.

FACT: Any punch an elf throws is going to be "below the belt".

CONCLUSION: Even if Santa manages to win this match, he will walk slowly and with great pain for the rest of his life. His stomach won't be the only thing resembling a bowl full of jelly, if you catch my drift.

So, in a nutshell, what we have here is a match where a fat man in a red suit gets hit in De Nutz several million times by a large group of angry short men dressed in green while reindeer and teamsters play Reindeer Games and eat sandwiches.

The real winners are the FANS! :)

- James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight

This is the north pole. Its frigid there. Who's the most frigid of them all? Thats right Mrs. Clause. She married that fat bastard. She cooks and cleans for him. He's always working. If he's not then he's too tired to give her any affection. The only thing she has to hold on to is being th wife of the great St. Nick. She'll do whatever it takes to keep him at the top (kinda like Hillary).

Would you ask her for more money Right before Christmas? Didn't think so.

- The one who did.

Well, this one had me going until I saw the "Teamsters" part of the elf squad. Regardless of who deserves to win, Santa will vanish and come New Years the elves will finally "stumble upon" a large, fat mound of freshly turned snow and dirt somewhere in the North Pole.


Santa wins easily, because of Quantum Physics(TM). 
Considering the number of children Santa has to visit in 24 h he must 
travel at very high speed. The number of children and the distance to 
cross is easily counted and calculated (won't do it here though 
because I'm lazy), therefore we know exactly how fast Santa travels. 
The speed would so high that he would burn up due to atmospheric 
friction. But Santa exists because if not there would not be this 
match. Therefore Santa must be a personified Quantum Phenomenon. 
Because of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Thingy(TM) we do not know the 
exact position of Santa at any time, since we know his speed or 
momentum. Another proof of quantum properties is, how on earth do you 
get a fat man down a chimney without breaking either ? The only 
explanation is a tunnel effect(TM). 
Santa tunnels the picket lines, what could a bunch of fairies stop 
anyways ? And I'm looking forward to some nice presents. 

- Valium

You know the bad thing about this match?

I can't vote "Both Mangled and Killed" - little kids around the world would come and kill me for the Pokemon toys no longer to be delivered.

- Nicholas Eckert

You guys have got to be kidding! Even trapped in your sad little lives, you must realize that the teamsters are all about one thing: the teamsters.

Unions survive on dues as a percentage of wage. Santa's little helpers work for room and board. You math geeks will be able to figure this one out: x% of zero is zero. No coin in it for the pasta-boys, therefore no interest. Count the teamsters out of this one.

Which leaves a bunch of spandex clad fairies and 12 reindeer. Remember the room and board thing? Santa throws them out -- into the freezing tundra. Let's see how long a bunch of panty-hose wearing singing unemployed smurf wannabees walk the picket line in -60 plus wind chill factor before knuckling under. Keep in mind, the toys are already made, so Santa can hold out a whole year before he has to worry. The elves will last, what, 12 hours in the cold before slicing open the reindeer and climbing in for warmth a la "Empire Strikes Back".

NOt only does Santa win this one before he even gets back from his rounds, he rents out the surviving picketers to Nike in the off season to increase revenues -- and the elves are happy for the work.

- Joe Canada

True, Santa's a jolly old elf, but this fight's making him look like a cantankerous old geezer! Maybe Christmas does need to be modernized, but he should have consulted the others first. Besides, I seriously doubt Jolly Old Saint Nick is a match for hundreds of elves, eight flying reindeer, and thousands of Teamsters. I say the elves win a better contract after striking for a week, and their newfound enthusiasm results in all the deliveries being made in time for the best Christmas ever.

- Darrel Jones

I *was* going to vote for the elves, but John's link to the Santa/Jesus duel saved me from a voting catastrophe of Hindenburg-type proportions. Thank you, Grudge Match, for pointing me to the funniest damn cartoon short I've ever seen!!!!!

- M.B.

I am forced to vote for Santa here. For one thing he never did me wrong at christmas, and on top of that he is known as Saint Nicholas. Now it is a well known fact that elves and other creatures were well known in europe before the arrival of the Catholic church which cannonized nicholas creating saint nick. All santa has to do is call on the entire historical power of the catholic church which managed to wipe out entire religions, cultures, and magical races in the middle ages and the elves will be destroyed.. again. Now i admit there will be some lost forces from the teamsters who quit church at this, but most of them will abandon the teamsters when the church threatens them with eternal damnation. afterall the worst the teamaster can do is kill you... I predict santa in6 days with one to rest up on and perform last rites on the elves.

- Jason 'kobayashi maru' patten -- The one you cant win

I feel sorry for the elves. Really. I do. They haven't got a chance! Now maybe if Santa's Workshop was in the States it would be a different story, but alas, it is not.

I am Canadian; more specifically, I am an Ontarian and I know far too well of the futility of protests. You see Santa is really vacationing in Guam and completely unaware of the goings on. The Canadian government, being closest to the Pole, have sent in their top man to establish "trade relations" with SE while Santa is away. (If they'll go to China, they'll go anywhere!)

Yes, you heard it here first: Santa Claus is really MIKE HARRIS!

Mike Harris is the needle to an enema that Ontario never wanted. This heartless corporate ass-kisser has systematically destroyed what once was the finest Health and Education systems in North America. He's survived riots at his front door in Queen's Park, a province-wide teacher's strike and been re-elected with a higher take of the vote!

Mike Harris is backed by the power of Big Business(tm). Knowing that SE has been a long time competitor, this puppet has been ordered to take SE out. So, by impersonating the Claus and instigating this demonstration he is actually completing stages of a sophistaicated master plan.

Here's what happens next: as the protest lingers on and December 24th comes ever-nearer, our "Harris" Claus (HC) continues to demand that the elves etc. relent, occasionaly trying to get a delivery truck throught the picket line, but DOING nothing else. However, he appears on t.v. every night, attacking the lack of integrity and thought of others on the part of the demonstrators, citing the actions of more extreme elves as "inappropriate" and "dangerous".

Time continues to pass, and the Teamsters, far away from home and unemployed, begin to drift away in twos and threes. The others see this and try to retaliate, only creating more "incidents" for HC to exploit. The protest suddenly becomes unpopular as parents demand that SE get back on line, fearing the heartbreak on Christmas morning. "Billy couldn't get that train he wanted because the elves shut down the shop, those bastards!"

On the 24th, the elves finally pack it in, SE tries to catch up and fails, SE stock plummets faster than you can say "Bre-X" and the real Santa dies in a "sporting" accident.

You know what's really scary? This would work...

- The Crystal Meph, Survivor of Ontario

Santa decides to have some fun

- Riff

Knowing whether people/elves are being naughty or nice does have its advantage. Santa is able to learn the exact details of the Teamster-Elf-Deer uprising (hereafter referred to as "TED"), and gathering all of the vast resources left to him, prepares for a pre-emptive attack on the TED Coalition.

Santa's plan is simple. He spreads word the world over that his life is in danger...that TED is trying to kill Santa and thereby destroy Christmas. Children everywhere, driven to panic with the thought of no PokeMon under the tree, take up arms to defeat TED. "SANTA MUST BE SAVED!"

The children attack at dawn, and although well matched for the elves in size, do take some severe hits. The Teamsters, seeing little Jimmy's head bashed open by an elf's candy-cane, scream out "No one beats my kid but me!!!" and change sides. Together, fathers, sons, and daughters beat the Christmas stuffing out of the insolent elves. The deer quickly realize the battle is turning into a blood-bath, so they turn tail and run. Unfortunately, without Rudolph guiding them they run into a hunting party, where they suffer the same fate as Bambi's mother.

And Santa, the great manipulator, chuckles softly in the distance: "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

- Skulker

The elves, reindeer, and teamsters will obviously beat Santa. The elves work hard making toys and the reindeer fly all around the world, and all for nothing. Meanwhile, Santa (who has assumed names such as Kris Kringle and Father Christmas) runs a rather shady operation in an unspecified location and apparently has been evading the IRS for several centuries. The public will clearly support cute elves and reindeer over a lardo who wears fur (as told in "The Night Before Christmas), which will also enrage animal rights activists.

- Mastermind Mark

OKay this is simple. Connections! 
Santa claus- little kids, chirstmas companies 
Elves, Reindeer, Teamsters- Mafia 
The mafia has already arranged some "accidents" for the Christmas 
companies. Little kids do not matter. They'll get thrown off when they 
see the Pokemon(TM) stuff. The mafia then incases Santa with some lead 
shoes, breaks the ice, then throws him in. 

- PPP- Peole Play Pokemon

As a member of the Chosen People, I've got to cast my vote for 
the Teamsters.  Why? 

1. Santa Claus is not real. 

Santa Claus is the product of some wacky Christians' imagination 
(probably high from inhaling all those pine needles from the trees 
which they insist on keeping *inside* their houses while installing 
the electric lights *outside* - a better name than "Christmas" would 
be "The Tree-Killing-Electricity-Wasting Holiday" - but I digress...) 

2. Santa Claus is dead.  For proof, one might consult the wisest 
sages of our time.  Or one might quote the Smothers Brothers: 

"You better watch out, 
You better not cry, 
You better be good, 
I'm telling you why, 
Santa Claus is DEAD." 

Fighting an imaginary dead man, the reindeer elves and teamsters 
cannot help but triumph. 

(Also, elves are short and I am short, so that also gives them an 

- the grinch

Are you kidding? Masses of disgruntled elves and reindeer can easily run right over Santa Claus, the CEO in a red fur suit. It's one against many, and the robotic elves do break down every once in a while!

- Disgruntled salesclerk

dude, santa is, like, huge!!! HE COULD FREAKIN' CRUSH ALL THE ELVES IF THEY STEP OUT OF LINE!! okay, so he's pretty equally matched with the teamsters, but he's santa, he's gotta win.

- the great kramer

I have to go with Santa on this one, guys. Initially, I didn't even give Santa a CHANCE against the Teamsters, but Jeff's arguments were so lame (sorry, that's my opinion) that I chose Santa simply because John had a better argument.

Personally, though, I think that NOBODY should mess with the Teamsters, the most potent force of calories, beehive hairdos and hops in the universe.

- Marc

It's spelled L-A-B-O-R. British bastard.

- indianajones13

In fourth grade I proved to my teacher who "Santa" really was by moving the letter 'n' behind the second 'a'.

How else do you explain someone who so promotes guiltless greed?


You don't mess with that bad boy unless you're Michael the Archangel.

- Darth Brooks - I know I'll be hiding under my sheets on Dec 24th

Santa Claus wins after a quick, gorey battle. Rather than explaining how he'd use the Kringle Crush to discimate his opponents, I'll just give some facts I'd like to share about the true "Santa Claus". After reading them, I'm sure that you'll understand how "Santa Claus" easily destroys those foolish mortal elves and reindeer:

Santa Claus is a raging beast. He is blood red, not white. He supplies presents only after consuming cookies and milk. Bad cookies/milk = black excrement in the boxes. Not feeding him will get you severely injured or even killed. His name is officially spelt, "Santa Claws".

Santa is not a human. He is a genetic warrior created by the Russian during the Cold War in the 1950s and 1960s. The name Santa is actually initials for the project. Project S.A.N.T.A., to be precise. It stood for, "Synchronized Android Nanomachines Thinking Actively". He was the ultimate killing machine. But something went horribly wrong. He became far stronger than expected. Too powerful to control, anyways. The project was scraped. To do Project S.A.N.T.A. in, the dumped him at the North Pole. But the Russians, as nieve as they were back then, didn't realize what they created could withstand temperatures down to -500 degrees. He escaped the North Pole region and went to Ireland. It was here that he discovered his Elves. Several small people lived on the island of Ireland at the time. He enslaved many of those and easily took over a boat. He commanded the captain to go to Antarctica. This is how he got to the South Pole. From here, he and his elves created a vast underground empire. The lair is deep enough to be warmed by the core of the earth, so mere heat detection can't find it. Every December 25th, Santa Claws has a built in command to destroy everything in America. This is why he breaks into your house in the middle of the night. The only to prevent him from killing you is the cookie/milk plan.

See what I mean? He's a BEAST, man!

- Secef, Avid Wearer of Pants

Santa Claus.

The epitome of all that is good. Gives gifts to the good children, and worthless lumps of coal to the "bad" children(not to mention deep self-esteem issues that will dog them for the rest of their days). A big fat blob of jolly Yuletide cheer. You expect him to be able to put down the TEAMSTERS???

Look on the bright side, Santa. At least you'll be able to see as many Bears games as you please... well, hear them, anyway. The view can't be too good on the wrong side of the end zone...

- Todd Evil

The reindeer, teamsters, and elves have it.  That red suit wearing, 
cookie eating, greedy fat BASTARD deserves to die!  I got a goddamned 
football EVERY YEAR!  As soon as he comes down that chimney, he'll be 
covered with CIA agents. 
Agent: Well, well.  We've finally got you.  You're in some deep ****. 
Santa: What did I do? 
Agent: Let's see...breaking and entering into private property via 
       chimney, keeping endangered animals confined in a pen, 
       and abusing elves (which violates the new "Ross Perot law".  I 
       am also to inform you that you have over 10,000 lawsuits for 
       $50,000 each for mental anguish. 
Santa: But I bring happiness to children all around the... 
Agent: That's enough!  Cuff 'em! 
Santa soon ends up on death row, with the kid from the Christmas Story 
in line to kick his red ass before he buys it.  End of St. Nick. 
Christmas now officially the date of the St. Nick's day Massacre. 

- Zaphod Beeblebrox (who else?)

This is a tough one. On the one hand, you have Santa Claus. In addition to being a beloved Christmas figure, the man as already conquered the Martians. He also has a great deal of repressed sexual rage; Santa only comes once a year. He has a great spy network; Santa knows when you've been naughty and nice. He can also count on the children of his enemies to side with him; witness what happens to the prosecutor in "Miracle on 34th Street". However, he's seriously out of shape from all the cookies and milk he devours in one 24 hour period.

On the other hand, you have the Teamsters. Those guys know how to play hardball. Santa will find it hard to deliver toys with two broken legs. And I wouldn't be surprised is he wakes up one morning with Rudolph's head in bed with him. In addition, he'll have a tough time making toys with no shipments of materials to him, plus he won't get any Christmas lists.

In the end, Santa will crumble and be forced to hire back the elves and reindeer with shorter work days and higher wages. He'll probably then have to start charging for his delivery services, wrecking Christmas for millions of girls and boys.

- Eihort

Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your dorky little elf-shoes!

- martinl

Santa won't have any problem with the elves and the reindeer. It's the Teamsters he's got to worry about. One "HO, HO, HO" in the direction of Nick the Pig and Frankie the Scumbag, and the fat jolly old elf will be providing company for Jimmy Hoffa under the end zone at the Meadowlands. . . .Yes, Virginia, there WAS a Santa Claus, until he got whacked by the Gottis. . . .

- Deacon

Go elves.
I cannot believe anyone would even vote for santa. He eats cookies all night long, and smokes a cigar. The reindeer pull what is probally tons of toys at what is probally mach 30 or 40. There is just no way santa can even compete with them.

Santa is jolly old saint nick, not darth vader. He could not take on one elf, let alone hundreds of them, the elves have been working out for years in toy production lines.


- the groupies

What is the matter with you guys. Us elves have been underpaid overworked employees for centuries. Now finally we get to revolt and start giving toys to those nice kiddies without the big fat oaf breathing down our backs.

Do you think

Mr. Claus

is going to get himself dirty going down chimneys? Yeah, right, all along it was really thousands of us elves pulling double duty to get the good little boys and girls their presents. Now we'll do it without mr. bossy breathing down our backs.

Go elves

- Go elves

There is one factor that people are overlooking here: It is a well- known fact that the Teamsters are connected to Organized Crime(tm). And because most people above the age of 9 don't believe Santa exists, The Mob(tm)can help its union buddies without fear of exposure.

Santa disappears mysteriously, set to be buried under a proposed new stadium for the New York Jets(R).

- The Last Don

The Night Santa Went Crazy"

At Santa's desk, december 22:
Santa:... "Santa is slouching over his desk, drunk on whiskey...
Curse theese Elves and raindeer, they'll make it all fall apart... NOOO I can't take it!! I won't let it happen!!!
"Santa gets up, walk over to his closet unlocks it, and grab a Kalashnikov AK47 he got from some russian guerillas"
Santa: This'll teach the bastards!!

At this moment, Weird AL walks in, and neatly describes the whole situation, in one of his songs.....

Down in the workshop, all teh elves are making toys, for the good gentle boy, and the good gentle girls, when the boss busted in, nearly scared em half to death, had a rifle in his hand, and cheap whiskey in his breath. From his beard to his boots, he was covered in ammo, like a big fat drunken, scrougled, jule time Rambo, and he smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL, NOW YOURE ALL GONNA DIE.......

And so the story goes, Santa Claus is revealed as none other than the notorious SATAN CLAWS, a vile demon from the underworld. He is evetually arrested and put in lockdown, "but hey now, don't you cry no more tears, he'll be out on good behaviour, IN 700 MORE YEARS!!"

Well, knowing SATAN CLAWS, he managed to bust out. But his fatal flaw was failing to kill all the elves, one of them called a friend of his from another dimension, and from the Lands of Middle Earth, comes a hero of the Elves..... none other than Gildorion, the Noldo Elf Lord! Needless to say, Santa, even with an AK47 is not nearly as scary as a Nazgul, and Gildorian had no trouble handling all 9. Santa quickly loses his head.

Santa's wife is last seen on the phone with her lawyer, negotiating with Hollywood on the movie rights...

- The Night Santa Went Crazy. (by Trial)

Remember, the teamsters know how to bring in people by racial unity. Let's see what this means for the elves.
Of course, they might stick around and re-create their old empires, but I maybe that's a good thing. Being conquered by Gondolin could enforce peace on the Balkans.

- --you thought you knew who I was

We all know how dangerous the teamsters are. Their might, combined with the elves and the reindeer can bring even the great St. Nick to his knees. Still, I'm not sure the fat boy will take this lying down. In fact, this might be one blow too many for his fragile psyche (he does, after all, think he's Santa Claus.) "Weird" Al Yankovic recorded a song outlining what happens when the Bowl Full of Jelly flips out, the song includes everything but what pushed him over the edge.

So now we know.

- Dan M

You know, Santa is sure under a lot of stress. He has to supervise and prepare and deliver all those presents all around the world. He receives no thank-you cards. He gets no invitation to New Year's parties. He's surrounded by whiny little brats who want ponies, surround-sound entertainment systems, and yachts. He always has to wear that stupid outfit. He has a sleigh instead of a nice car, and he constantly is forced to eat milk and cookies instead of, say, a good sirloin. He's held it together so far, but how long can he be pushed? For further details to what will happen, I refer you to the "Weird Al" classic, "The Night Santa Went Crazy." "Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!"

- The Infraggable Krunk

I vote for Santa Clase, simply because no weapon of mass destruction can beat the giant lard bubble that is Jolly St. Nick. However, my prediction on the overall occurence in this match:

James Cameron is directing this entire bout, so the robot workers suddenly morph into skeletal Terminator robots. Santa, the reindeer, the Teamsters and the elves must destroy these evil bastions. Unfourtunately, the skeletons kill off the Teamsters and Rudolph before being destroyed. Nobody seems to care, though, because the Teamsters were just an addition and Rudolph sucked in the first place. Santa re-hires the elves and they all go and get some tea from Mrs. Clause. The destroyed robots' eyes gleam red in synchronized fashion, lighting up the area with an eerie's not over...yet.

- Mistah' Raichu

The obvious winner here will be the Chinese. If the strike puts Santa under they corner the toy market.Hell, they already make all the Christmas decorations in their labor camps. If Claus sends the work overseas then chinese win again. Lets face it either way the commies come out ahead.

- Claymore, Capitalist, Imperialist Pig

After much thought, I decided that Santa would win this. Sure the elves and reindeer are upset. But how tough can they be without the teamsters? Ah, but they have aligned with teamsters you say? You both forgot one important element. The teamsters might be thugs, they might be ugly, and they might love a confrontation. BUT, most of those teamsters also have children. Thats right! Little thugsters and thugettes that are so excited for christmas morning so they can run downstairs and find "GI Joe with Real Surface to Air Missile". So lets imagine the teamsters have managed to block Santa from delivering all those goodies and toys on Christmas Eve. Little "Legs" Maloney, Jr. wakes up, searches frantically for his "Fun with Nuclear Fission kit" only to find it missing. So what does he do? Oh yeah, just what any self respecting junior thug does. He starts to cry. Mommy "Legs" Maloney cant get junior to shut up and realizes that it was all Daddy's fault. Poor old "Legs" aint gonna get lucky tonight. So he calls up all his fellow teamster thugs who are also being berated by angry mothers and children. They call up old Santa and escort him through the picket line manned by tiny angry elves and constipated Reindeer. Santa makes it through and delivers all those "Britney Spears gets a boob job" Dolls and everyone is happy. Except for the elves and reindeer of course. But heck, their are alot of freakshows and circuses out there alway looking for extra help. (Man, I'm gonna hear about that one) Sorry honey, I'll try and be more sensitive to the "little people".

- Mixed~Nuts

Hm. Lesse what we've got in this match...

On the Santa Side:
   One large, overweight autocratic elf. Notable abilities: fits in small chimneys, eats and drinks great quantities in one night, gets 364 days of vacation each year, survives incredible acceleration (see raindeer).

On the Union Side:
   Countless short elves. Notable abilities: skill with all sorts of tools, constant labour, no known time off work.
   Seven raindeer. Notable abilities: antlers, hooves, flight, hypersonic speed (ever wondered how Santa makes it to every Christian house in the world in one night?). Rudolf also has a glow-in-the-dark nose.
   The whole Teamsters Union. Notable abilities: sympathy strikes paralize the entire economy of North America, lots of burly men equiped with lead pipes and big wrenches, know a great place to hide bodies.

So, one fat capitolist vs. a lot of working class guys with Da Rage™. Working class guys equiped with chisles, hammers, crowbars, and other implements of construction/destruction. If Santa doesn't back down, he may find his portly self skillfully trimmed to size and crammed in with Jimmy Hoffa.

The strikers obviously win yet another blow for socialism, mandetory employment, and the Canadian Way (what, you thought he was in Alaska?). I think we'll be seeing a new Fat Man next Christmass...

- Sailor Squasher

If anyone remembers all those old dopey Christmas movies, they would know that Santa has alot more skills than he seems. Pair off his infinent toy bag(with toys like sharp boomerages and nerf guns) and that cool robotic Santa suit, sleigh, reigndeer from the Blockbuster (tm) commercial, and someone as unstoppable as the Silver Cristal. Hwe wouldn't hurt the reigndeer, for the meer fact they're an endangered species(how many flying deer have you seen). But as for the elves and teamsters, well... Santa's gonna be considered a bad boy this year.

- Santa vrs. Teamsters

Never mess with some guy who knows where you live and can get down your chimney, even if you dont hyave one.

Vote for Santa if you want presents not booby traps.

- Seb Rabit.

Since a match has to end in death, then we're going to have to face the fact that Santa is going to have to fight his weight in elves at the picket line when e returns to the office to pick up Mrs. Claus's gift.

And that brings up two related questions:
How much does Santa weigh, and how much do elves weigh?

Depending on who you listen to, I'd say that Santa is about Homer Sinpson size, or 250 pounds tops.

Depending on who you listen to, elves can weigh anywhere from Marge Simpson size, say 145 pounds ( Anybody else here agrees with me that Marge is an amazon! ) to a low of a few ounces ( Victorians ) to maybe around an average of 40 pounds ( TV specials ).

So Santa will be going toe-to-toe and hand-to-hand with at least six helpers with picket signs. But on the other hand, Santa has his sack. The one that hold at least one decent toy for ever child in the world.

A half billion Malibu Barbies and a half billion G.I.Joes could crush a herd of elephants, let alone six short punks up to their longjohn backflaps in snow.

The fight lasts seven seconds.

As Santa goes through the door, he calls out to the cowardly survivors, "Don't eat the deadly red snow!"

- Ogre

I will turn analysis of this industrial relation's dispute over to Dogbert.

Thanks this can be boiled down to

1) Public support for their policys, Who has public support and will get on the news better, A Kindly old gentleman who puts up with having his lap sat on by 2 million plus screeming kids and will still give them presents without machine gunning his co-workers. Compared to a surly group of furniture movers we have no contest.

2) Management always has the fires of the lawyers and accountancy departments, these dread legions of santa's (and yes in some countries he is accompanied by a demon to punish the wicked) will act as strike busters. Led by the Pointy haired (and now eared) boss no worker can oppose their might

3) Reemployment; Santa has the option of outsourcing his operations to china and the third world, as a soverign state he can do so with no internal disputes (in fact he already does to a large extent). The elves have toymaking prowess, but toy sales are down world wide (santa practically gives them away), the sudden infusion of elves seeking jobs will push the price of labor down and force humans out of jobs, Inter species bigotry/protectionism will lead to the elves being shut out of US and other markets simply because they are too good at their jobs. The reindeer will be 'set free' by extremist animal rights protestors, (they have also been replaced). That leaves the teamsters trying to negoitate their services to santa, He doesn't need them

4) Santa can replace the elves with magical snowmen (even easier to replace)

5) Santa is affiliated with coca-cola. Even more lawyers

6) Santa is the only entity who can give me the take over the world in 5 easy steps kit (dogbert is dragged off at this point) Simply put, Santa has the good will, the capital, Legions of snowmen lawyers (enough to hold off disney, microsoft and Mcdonalds combined) and the ease of replacement of staff. The elves are out on the street.

- D.Merzel

Uh… guys? Don’t you read Bloom County? The elves already tried to go on strike. Reagan fired them all and were hired back as reindeer replacements.

This one goes to the Gipper.

- Dope on a Rope

Dear Ex Valued Employee:

To my elves and reindeer, I do not think you have been keeping up with the times sadly. I hate to say, but I already have a special system for getting all the presents already out, and as of this moment, these presents are going to hidden pickup points all across the globe.

The picket line will not work for I have a new model airplane. State of the line, stealth technology, and can go up to speeds of Mach 1. Yes the kids will still see the sleigh if they look due to precision in projectors and mirrors, but the presents will be sent on time.

Now if you wish any employment opportunities, I suggest that the reindeer go to a cold state or country, and maybe look for work under pulling sleds, and the elves to go to any nearby shoe store, I am certain that they will be appreciative of your work. I will give full recommendations for you getting the work for you are hard workers.

Merry Christmas

S. Claus
President and CEO
Santa Enterprises Corporation

We bring good cheer to life!

(This message was brought to you by cybercorp, a division of the stealth foundation)

- Zeek "Phoenix Knight" Silverfire

HO-HO-Ho boy, those teamsters are dead! Nobody has realized that there is one factor that will insure that Fat Man's victory: THE DAMN KIDDIES! I mean, who do they credit with those toys? Not Mattel, Nintendo, Sega, Sony, The Elves, or Hasbro! They give SANTA the credit! He just calls on the little runts, and bam! The Teamsters are mauled, The Reindeers are sent to some zoo, and the Elves have Candy Canes stuck so far up their asses it goes through their skulls! I rest my case.

- Guy Incognito. Seatlle, WA.

Santa Enterprises Warehouse 25- once bustling w/ activity and holiday cheer, now dark, cold, and quiet due to recent cutbacks and so called "streamlining". Santa and Rudolf have just arrived from the boardroom where they received a barely intelligible phone call from someone sounding like The Jerky Boys' Egyptian Magician, mumbling something about getting a Christmas bonus,Mrs. Claus,and pulling a Ho Ho Ho Train. Rudolf's nose illuminates the darkness and Santa starts picking off elves w/ fruitcakes shot from a retro fitted Kooshball slingshot. Donner appears from the blindside and hoofslaps Rudolf in the beak-"Lights Out!". The rest of the reindeer surround Santa and start putting the "DeNiro"boots to him. Now the Teamsters pull up and get to work. Ever see "Casino"? They make Pesci look like a saint. All of the abandoned tools get dusted off and put to good use. Rosy red cheeks are now bloody red cheeks thanks to a belt sander. A monkey wrench is applied to Santa's "Christmas Balls" with extreme prejudice. Oh Oh! Here comes a circular saw. Wait- what is that sparking? It seems the saw has a frayed cord, and Santa has lost control of his bodily functions all over the floor. This could be the equivalent of throwing a radio in a bathtub. BZZZZT!!! The Teamsters are toast. I can't believe it! Santa is still twitching! It must be those rubber adult undergarments. He crawls into the break room where he finds the Mrs. tied up in full bondage gear. He staggers to his feet like a town drunk and makes his way to rescue his wife. He then slips on a pile of fresh reindeer dung and plunges head first into the vending machine and is engulfed in an avalanche of Cheetos, Zagnuts, Funyons,and Pork Rinds. The reindeer, who always relied on the Clauses for food, can't fend for themselves and have been starving for days. They see the free snacks and go wild. Santa sneaks out of the pile, gets his electric cattle prod and puts the reindeer down one by one. Just as Santa goes to untie Mrs Claus, Rudolf appears. It seems while he was unconscious, he came to realize that Santa only used him for his nose;before the nose suited a purpose, Santa didn't want anything to do w/ him. Santa treated him better than the others, and this created opposition between Rudy & the other reindeer. Rudy after all, was a reindeer and will always be a reindeer. So, w/ a smile on his face sauntered up to Santa- then lunged at Santa and impaled him through his black heart with antlers.Rudy then untied MrsClaus,& tended to the injuries of the reindeer & elves. Rudy and Mrs.Claus married a short time later, and took over the business and restored it to all of the glory it had enjoyed in the past.

- Todd

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