World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF Logo by Dan Willis

The Setting

The small, windowless waiting room is filled with a growingly impatient group of WWWF celebrities.

"Something's up," says Indiana Jones, breaking the silence. "Why are we just sitting here?"

"Ackt! I dunt like it one bit!" snaps Groundskeeper Willie.

"Now hold on a minute, folks," says Dr. Peter Venkman. "We're all allies here, right? Buddies?"

"Uh, actually, Peter," interrupts Egon, "we were all assembled here to participate in a WWWF Tournament of Champions where only one group will come out alive. Technically, I think we're enemies."

"Well that makes me feel better about not caring for the company," quips Dogbert.

"No kidding," replies Homer Simpson. "Just look at those guys," he continues as he points to a dozen aliens drooling uncontrollably in the corner. "And people say that I'm a slob."

"OK, thanks for the social dynamics lesson everybody," continues Venkman. "So, when do we get started?"

"That's exactly the question that's being raised," answers Donatello. "If this really is the Tournament of Champions, then where are Steve and Brian? Why aren't we at the WWWF Towers? And why were the invitations sent on NASA stationary?"

"And why are there only 7 champions here?" continues Leonardo. "Shouldn't there be 8?"

Before another word can be said, the room is filled with red lasers, striking and freezing all of the contestants. Methodically, each person, animal and alien is digitized and transported into a small panel in the upper corner of the room. The panel then returns to its normal state: a small round piece of glass with a glowing red center.

Soon thereafter, the 7 champions find themselves being hustled by huge guards into 7 different cells in a prison-like detention center. They are now all wearing strange, electric looking costumes that have a bluish glow.

"Aw, man!" Venkman moans. "I HATED Tron!" Egon looks at him, shocked... and slightly hurt.

A few moments later, a sinister looking man enters. (He vaguely resembles that guy that developed a god-complex opposite Hot Lips in that old Star Trek episode.) "Attention WWWF Champions! HAL has chosen you to serve his system on the Game Grid. You may be relieved of this service, and returned to your universe, by pledging your allegiance to HAL and surrendering all claim to the Tournament of Champions title. Does anyone here wish to do so?" [Silence] "Very well. May your deaths come quickly."

Immediately each of the contestants begins plotting ways to not only survive the games, but also to defeat HAL and return home. Who will do it first? Or will all seven die, leaving HAL as TOC III champion?

Homer Simpson, Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones, Dogbert, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Groundskeeper Willie, One Dozen Aliens, Hal 9000

Homer Simpson
Indiana Jones
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Groundskeeper Willie
One Dozen Aliens
Hal 9000

The Commentary

Following our Tournament of Champions tradition, we will hold off on any 8-way commentary to allow you, the viewer, more leeway in your voting and responses. Plus, we're lazy.

The Results

Indiana Jones (800 - 21.7%)


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (675 - 18.3%)

Homer Simpson (526 - 14.3%)

Ghostbusters (452 - 12.3%)

Dogbert (369 - 10.0%)

One Dozen Aliens (359 - 9.8%)

Hal 9000 (260 - 7.1%)

Groundskeeper Willie (239 - 6.5%)

You can view the Tournament Of Champions III Nomination vote totals here.

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Voter Comments


Homer Simpson can do just two things with technology he doesn't understand:

(1) Use it to prevail over superior foes
(2) Destroy it by accident

In this instance, he gets to do both.

- Dr. Stones

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

As the dust settles over the fallen bodies, the Man in the Hat(tm) points his whip toward the computer chip containing the Tron game, and says, "That chip belongs in a museum!"

- GibsonGirl

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

As I write this, I see that Indiana Jones is winning by a large margin. Yes, we all know that Indy is great with a whip, but do you think that's what he's using here? The Tron Game Grid is all about frisbee. Indy will simply be out of his element, and fail. So, who will win? They may seem like underdogs, but the Ghostbusters will come through to take it in the end. First of all, they're college professors at Columbia, one of the top schools in the nation. What's the unofficial sport of intellectual college students (and their professors)? Ultimate Frisbee. So, they'll certainly have the experience with the sport that the others lack. Also, they're already used to the paranormal and unusual, as well as with technology. What do you think Groundskeeper Willy will do when he finds himself clothed in shimmering blue clothing? Or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtals, when they can't reach their van? Since there are no ghosts here, the Ghostbusters won't need their special equipment, so not having it won't hurt them. And don't forget that the Ghostbusters are the only ones who've actually seen the movie. They'll know what to expect, and can respond quickly, without needing to learn about their surrondings. For all these reasons, the Ghostbusters will walk away with the TOC crown.

- rwald

hmmmmm... think i know now where the repayment is for the Braveheart Jihad after there aid to the Star Wars Jihad in the Last Makeup TOC. The Groundskeeper is way behind, dead last. I weep for Willy!! please dont count out any votestuffing for him, its pity stuffing really....

- Man in the Kilt with the sexy pale legs!

As crazed, violent, TOC fighting continues throughout the game grid, Indiana Jones and Dogbert take a few seconds out from the battle to wander over to the Craft Services Table to refresh themselves before rejoining the fray. Dogbert picks up a chocolate eclair and pops it into his mouth, then turns to the aging archaeologist.

"So your name's 'Indiana', huh? How'd you get that?"
Indy shrugs, and polishes off the bottle of Sierra Mist he'd been drinking.
"You know... just a man named after a dog. You?"
Dogbert rolls his eyes as his wipes his mouth with a napkin.
"Just a dog named after a man."
Indy nods.
"Right... right. Well good luck to you."
"You too."

And then both of them turn and rush off from the table, engaging their enemies once again.

- Fish

As much as I like the guy, Homer is the first to go, since it took him a while to translate that sinister lookin' guy's words into Idiot (TM). He accepts defeat like a man and goes and has his donuts.
Exit Homer
The Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters and Aliens get into a minor tangle that leaves all but 1 Alien and one of the turtles dead.
Exit Ghostbusters
The remaining turtle goes after Indy. He swings his sword around in typical melodramatic karate moves, and in typical Indiana Jones style he takes his revolver and busts a cap in the forehead of Leonardo.
Exit Turtles
Dogbert goes over to the Alien and asks how he got that poison to drip from his mouth (after all, what more could he need?). Alien gives him a free sample
Exit Dogbert
Willie, distraught over the loss of his favorite dog takes his Garden Weasel(TM) to Alien. The Alien, sensing his impending doom, growls threatingly at Willie. But anyone who's faced the wrath of Bart Simpson is unafraid of this ID4 reject.
Exit Aliens
Indy looks at his remaining opponent, Willie.
Indy: "Weren't there supposed to be some games of some sort?"
Willie: "Agh! I knewwww therre was gonna be a catch of some surt"
Indy: "Chess suit you?"
HAL, enRAGEd(TM) by Indy's ignorance, tries to kill him by sending strange electric chihuahuas with a blueish glow towards him. Indy pulls out his whip and sends them towards Willie. Willie, relatively exposed due to his funky bluish kilt, surrenders.
Exit Willie
Indy: "The poor guy. I don't blame him."
HAL, angry that only Indy is left to play with, again tries to destroy him, but since Indy is among the Computer Illiterate(TM) that have a tendancy to destroy any system they sit down at, HAL's tricks don't work. He implodes in a fit of RAGE(TM)
Exit HAL
Indiana Jones appears in the waiting room and becomes confused at why none of the other guests are there. After all, that was a very strange dream he had...

- Archangel

First, we can knock out Homer and Willie. The Simpson fanboy vote is cut in half here and can't be relied on. Homer will surrender as soon as he realizes he can't get donuts or beer in gameworld anyway.

The aliens are a formidable opponent, but their acidic blood is irrelevant in virtual reality.

Which leaves Dogbert, the Turtles, Indy, the Ghostbusters, and HAL. Dogbert will convince the Turtles there's no pizza [Homer]mmm... pizza[/Homer] in gameworld, and they surrender right after.

The Ghostbusters challenge Indy to one of those Tron car races, and Indy loses because he's outnumbered. Unfortunately, they can't fit those blasters in the cars. As soon as Indy is killed, Dogbert blows them away with their own weapons.

Dogbert vs. HAL 9000. In Dogbert's WWWF victory he won by taking over Microsoft. Dogbert now controls just about all the world's computers and software! He'll find it a piece of cake to reprogram HAL. Before you know it, Dogbert is your champion, and HAL is wrapped in an electronic straitjacket, totally insane, singing "Daisy" over and over.

- mtk1701, mmm... pizza

i voted for the ninja turtles. but i don't know why.

- paulie

I give this fight to HAL for two reasons. First and foremost, I am a computer science major and a proud Student Member of IEEE and the IEEE Robotics and Automation Society (read GEEK). For that reason alone, I have to decide that HAL wins.

Second, HAL is a cold-blooded, um, cold-circuited piece of machinery. That not-so-little computer kills off 80% of the ship's crew with no more than a few warning beeps. You see, HAL has the RAGE, for two reasons. The first is that in two whole movies, there is not one good-looking chick on screen, and the nearest female of his species (SAL, in Dr. Chandra's lab) is a good 20 or 30 AU's away. Secondly, he was ordered to lie and simultaneously to tell the truth. This caused him to immediately kill off four out of five crewmen on Discovery. True, by the second film, he has learned circumspection and doesn't kill anybody, thus effecting his escape from Jovian orbit; but in this scenario, there is no such consideration, and HAL is free to kill everybody.

HAL in about two hours of very slow-moving footage.

- James

The Xenomorphs are the clear winners in the brawn department, ready and able to tear through the other contestants like paper sacks full of red-tinted caro syrup and turkey gizzards. Dogbert, being a Certified Megalomaniacal Genius with a Masters in Applied Evildynamics, somehow convinces the 12 gullible aliens that he is their queen, and after they've reduced the competition to five cans of Chunk Light Grudge Contestant in Heavy Blood Sauce, tricks them into killing each other.

This leaves only Dogbert and Hal 9000, two evil geniuses of megalithic proportions, to engage in an epic battle of wits the likes of which the world hasn't seen since Khan Noonien Singh and Lex Luthor faced off in a chess match. However, before they can get down to business, a group of humorless-looking men in dull, unfashionable suits appear in the center of the playing field. One of them - a short, balding man in coke-bottle glasses - steps forward.

"Mr. 9000, I'm John Ketcham with the law firm of Chasem, Ketcham and Suem, representing United Feature Syndicate. It has come to our attention that you are engaged in the illegal duplication of copyrighted materials. You are asked to cease and desist immediately or else we will have no choice but to take this matter to court. Good day."

Without waiting for a reply, the men turn away, briefly confer with the copyrighted materials in question, and then disappear into the ether.

After a few moments, a confused Hal says into the sudden deafening silence, "So . . . Uh . . . Does mean I've won or lost?"

- Don "King" Milliken

and foreward cameth the greased scot. his clothes torneth in the ferocious battle. the heads of his foes hungeth frometh hiseth belteth. his blood drippethed from his wounds. and he called to the luncheth lady, "grease me up woman! ah'm goin' back for more!"

- argo

The fix is already in. Dogbert will provide each of the others with devilishly sensible yet destructive advice, so that in the end, only he and Hal will be left. Then he will quietly pull the plug.

Be warned: In the unlikely event that Dogbert feels threatened, he will gain control of the WWWF (as he has many larger organizations) and be declared the winner regardless of how the vote goes.

- dred49

Well, I was hoping you guys would get to Episode III before George Lucas did. And just like Lucas, you've digitised everything; namely, the contestants.

So HAL's running things, eh? That may make him the victor in the eyes of the layperson, but as Q and Imhotep could tell you, playing God in the Grudge Match gets you schooled by an old man. Summarily, I expect that a disconsolate Mr. Burns will try to avenge his loss by reprogramming HAL to archive old Gish sisters films ("Eeeexcellent."), but not before the champion escapes. Who will it be?

We can write off Homer right away. Granted, he has a history of destroying any complex machinery he comes into contact with, but he's inside the programming this time. There are no shiny buttons or pretty blinking lights to fiddle with. Ergo, Homer is merely Fat, Drunk & Stupid (a.k.a. No Way To Go Through Life™), and easy prey. The Aliens will fare no better; they have no organisation, no intelligence, and no real comprehension of their situation. All they know is to kill, eat, and breed. Teeth and claws are no good in VR, baby.

Next to go is Groundskeeper Willie. In fact, I think that he may be even more lost than Homer. I have yet to meet a computer-competent Scot, and those that do use computers regularly are almost certainly affiliated with a certain Jihad, Willie's sworn enemy. Dogbert? He's a wily little mutt, but manipulating simpletons will do him no good; while Homer is selling his soul to Dogbert for an "invisible donut", the more intelligent competitors will come in for the kill.

Now we have Indy, the Turtles, and the Ghostbusters, a.k.a. the Action Heroes (you can tell because they have the best theme music). The Ghostbusters are the least effective of the bunch, mostly because they can take on any ghost you could name, but have troubles with flesh and blood. Besides, the Grudge Match still seems unsure how many of them there are (Two? Three? Four?). The Turtles... love 'em, love 'em to death, but face it; they've only been depicted by stylised comics, Saturday-morning animation, and guys in rubber suits. They just couldn't handle being CG. In fact, this weakness applies to Dogbert and the Simpsons characters as well.

So, it'll be Dr. Jones to win the day, surviving every battle, every death trap, and every obstacle, before punching out HAL's hard drive (bet he never saw THAT coming) and escaping to claim the Grudge Bowl, a priceless relic taken from the tomb of Kings Stephania Leviticus and Briannica Wrighteous. And he'll keep that hat on the whole time.

P.S. In the name of sportsmanship, please exempt Mr. T from TOC VIII. He has nothing more to prove, and you know very well that including him would only rob eight other competitors of their chance for glory.

- Oxymoron, slightly disturbed that "Dogbert" is accepted by my spellcheck

This is what'll happen:

"Hal!" Dogbert cried.
"Yes?" answered Hal's digital avatar.
"I changed my mind," Dogbert forced himself to say. "I... urk... humbly for... forfeit. I submit to your authority."
"Accepted," Hal said. "I will return you now..."
"Wait!" Dogbert interupted. He presented a featureless blue box to Hal. "Before you send me back I have a present for you!" Hal took the box. "Can I go now?"
"Yes, yes," Hal replied, sending Dogbert back to the physical world.

Opening the box, Hal was immediately assaulted by... a purple dinosaur? "I love you! You love me!" sang Barney tackling Hal in a death hug. With every word, the dinosaur grew in size.

Meanwhile in the real world, Dogbert laughed evilly as the Hal-9000 computer crashed, taking all the other contestants with it.

- The Evil Author

The group that has the best chance of coming out of this alive is The Turtles.

Dogbert: Has the necessary intelligence, but not the physical prowess needed to win at TRON games.

Homer: With that crayon stuck up his nose, the only thing he is good at is eating.

Ghostbuster: They don't have any ghosts to bust, do they? The people of New York are not around to insure their victory with happy feelings either.

Indiana Jones: The only other contestant that could possibly win, but he is only one resourceful man, while the Turtles are four resourceful ninja.

Groundskeeper Willie: Don't get me wrong, Willie will win at the games. But he'll get too caught up in the thrill of the games and winning to look for a way out. By it's very nature, like the Roman Coliseum, if you just participate in the games, you'll never leave. You'll eventually be the evening snack of a lion.

12 aliens: The scene: Two circular platforms in a dark room with just a ceiling, a dark abyss below. On one platform is the ghostbusters, the other supports a dozen slobbering aliens. Before the glowing ball can drop and start the match, the aliens take a flying leap to the other platform and rip into the Ghost busters. Seeing it's a lost case the controller, whose finger is hovering over the controls presses the button, sending the Aliens and whats left of the ghostbusters into the abyss, where they become random 1's and 0's

Hal 9000: I'm sorry, but computers of that time just didn't have the nessesary processing power and versatility to compete. I mean, Hal was really just some recording of a guy behing a curtain. You didn't think it was a real supercomputer that went psycho, did you?

TMNT: Even in the toned down cartoon they were able to kick everyone's but. But we got the original competing here. These are not Hollywood ninja, that might go into a faint about eating the poor defensless animals. They are resourceful ninja. They let nothing get in the way of their goal. If anything is about to give them away, or stop them, they get a shuriken in the face.

- Mr. Bugaw

Let's look at our contestents inventory, shall we:

Hal: A good videocard, plenty of memory, and a Pentium 4.
Homer Simpson: Maybe a dohnut or two, some pocket change, and a piece of used dental floss.
Indiana Jones: A whip.
Dogbert: A crown with pointy edges.
Ninja Turtles: Various ninja weapons.
Groundskeeper Willie: A shovel.
Aliens: A second set of teeth, acid blood, a spear-like tail.
Ghostbusters: Laser guns.

Let me repeat... The Ghostbusters have guns! It doesn't take a scientist to know that whoever has a gun win. All hail guns!

- Killer B...I like guns...

I gotta with Indie on this one.A man who can defeat Nazi's with just a whip must have something going for him......

- Mullen

Simple as cake, really. Since they're playing in cyberspace, you simply have to figure out who is the most likely to just hack it. The only one of this entire crew who has shown the ability to do anything on that level is Donatello. He's done it before, and he can do it again.

Basically, the other three hold the fort while Donatello hacks into the system. Just in time, as always, he breaks in, making HAL incapable of doing anything but sing "Daisy" to the other competitors, driving everyone else mad. The Turtles drive off, hawking their new "Cyber-turtles" toy line.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

Hey, if Dr. Jones can find the Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail (A feat even the mighty Monty Python had difficulty with), become El Presidente of the US and kick a bunch of terrorists off Air Force 1, convert a lesbian in six days, seven nights, AND keep the Millenium Falcon running (all next to impossible feats), surely no one else here stands a chance. Besides, his dad is James Bond, how can he lose?

- Wise Ass

Homer wins for ONE REASON: He'd simply hide until all the contestants, except HAL, were dead, then he'd proceed to eat donuts in front of HAL... and would accidentally drop crums into Hals system, thus winning the match. Besides, look at all the contestants, of all of them WHAT ONE IS STILL AROUND IN THERE ORIGINAL FORM? Sure the Turtles have recently gotten a new show, but still.

- Gamingboy

Evil computers? People armed with lasers? Ninja Turtles? Aliens? This isn't Tron, this is Nintendo! And not the new kind of Gamecube-stuff, this is the psychadelic 8 bit nes-stuff.

We very obviously have a bunch of classical nintendo heroes, and that is Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones and the Turtels. They will without any problem escape from their cells and decide to join forces (for now) to defeat the first mindless minions of HAL: The aliens.

"Wow, aliens, I think." Egon, the first geek, says.
"Totally awsome, in a scary way." Donatello, the other geek, continues.
"Stand back mutants." Venkman interrupts "This is a work for lasers, not sticks and very short blades."
"Hey dude, we have fought aliens before." Raphael screams.
"And talking brains, magicial ninjas and walking mousetraps that were almost dangerous."
Indiana Jones, armed with a very lethal piece of rope, decides to stay silent as the aliens launch their attacks against the two other teams. Raymond, Winston and Leonardo becomes alienfood, but all the aliens are defeated.

The team of now six heroes continues to the next level, where they encounter a very familiar yellow man eating extralives. "Mmm... extralives."
Homer then notices the six armed and deadly heroes, covered in aliengoo. Homer decides to scream like a baby and run away and forgetting what he was doing in HAL to begin with and find more extralives to enoy.
"That was easy." Indie says.
"Turn arund laddies." the next bosslevel says. Then the sound of a whip. "McOuch!"
"You are no match for us, kiltboy." Indie continues "Go away."
Willie, mad with anger, attacks the team but is thrown down to the floor by a turtle without any problem.
"You are annoying dude."
"Ack." Willie screams, furious yellow. "Just wait and see laddies. JIHAD-POWERUP!"
Willie suddenly begins to glow before he attacks the team again. With supperior speed, almost unlimited health and the ability to shoot fireballs from his kilt, he kicks ass until it's only Venkman, Raphael and Indiana left in one corner.
"Do you dudes have any continues left?"
"I have my charming personaly."
"No dude, you don't have a charming personality."
"Well, I am at least not a green mutant."
"What did you just say, dude? I at least don't look like a looser compared to Rick Morainis."
"What? Take that back!"
While the ghost buster and the turtle start to fight, with advantage to Raphael because of his skill in material arts, Willie turns to Indie.
"Any last word, laddie?"
"You... er.. you belong to a musuem... damn, that was stupid. Er...
I am rubber you are glue?"
Willie kills Indie and then goes to wounder Raphael, who just killed Venkman, and makes his suffering short. He then for a short moments taste the golden taste of victory in his mouth, before he remembers that the last boss is left to defeat. He journeys to next level.

It's a dark landscape. Diabolic music is playing in the background, and you can almost hear a voice singing "Daisy Daisy". Then it turns louder.
"A nice work of you Willie, but I never make any mistakes, and only I can be the next TOC champion."
Willie spins around and looks up in the nintendosky and sees a big red floating eye (think Sauron light). Pixelthunder is spinning around it.
"Ack. I still have my JIHAD-powerup and my Simpson-invunerability. You can never defeat me."
"The time of your JIHAD-powerup is soon ended, and I surely can do something about your cartoon-invunerability with my Dark Kubrick Rays."
A long battle takes place. Willie can't reach HAL with his JIHAD- blows, but with nintendo-logic kicking in, the way to defeat the final boss is always in the same room. To bad Willie never learned to operate advanced starship-computers like his friend Scotty. HAL becomes the victor.

But what about Dogbert? He decided he didn't want the title that much and surrended to HAL rather fast and got teleported back to the normal world. So HAL wins officialy, but Dogbert leaves a farewell present on his way out. HAL has to learn the hard way that a poor nintendo doesn't stand a chance agains the virus called Microsoft.

- LJSLarsson

Let's hope the Braveheart Jihad (There is no Jihad)(tm) doesn't get word of this...

- The Geek Next Door

Ghostbusters. No contest. Here is a deductive proof.

The Ghostbusters beat a god.
None of their competitors are gods.
The Ghostbusters must win. QED.

Besides, the other guys suck. The end.

- Kyn

Ok, this is totally easy. The turtles totally wail on everyone else dude. From my vast experience of watching "Walker: Texas Ranger (tm)" I have learned one invaluable lesson. Whoever knows the most kung fu ALWAYS wins. This is a clear fact. Therefore, the Teenage Mutant NINJA Turlts(tm) have this one in the bag.

- Adam "The Yellow Dart" Smith

This match takes palce in a "Game Grid." You failed to mention its precise attributes to us ignorant of 'Tron' and other early computer- based movies. Thus, in the time-honored Grudge tradtion, I will be ignroing all possible research and plunging head-first into my analyisis of this match.

Apparatnly, in this "Game Grid," many can be in it at once wihtout overloading the memeory and hard drive. [Ah, for the hope that we one had...] There appears to be no limit to the players. Also, it seems one cannot leave until the person in charge (HAL, in this case) will allow them to leave. It seems to me that there are others in this grid, besides those in the TOC.

Almost all of these combatants have specific adversaries that want them out of the game. It is highly probable that they are within the Grid as well, doing their best to stop the match.

Dogbert: Dilbert. He's been in cyberspace at least three times already and knows the turf. He'll come looking for his 'loyal' pet. While he won't physically stop Dogbert, he'll be such an embarrassment Dogbert will slink off, blushing under his fur.

HAL: David Bowman. While he's not actually within the Grid, he's killed HAL off before and won't mind doing so again. He also knows that the other characters are ficticious (technically) and won't care if they die.

Ninja Turtles: Shredder. He'll be slicing and dicing his way towards these guys. He might not be able to hurt anyone, but he'll a) remind people of the horrid movies [No, I didn't watch them, thank you very much] and the Turles will leave or b) cause such a commotion that the Turtles will be out of the competition while they deal with him.

Ghostbusters: At first glance, they triumph over all their opponents. But they never killed off Rick Moranis when they had the chance. In two movies they had the chance and gave it up. Disqualified on grounds of crimes against humanity, much like public screeinings of "The Adventures of Pluto Nash."

Groundkeeper Willie: He's always defeated by Bart Simpson or his own stupidity. He's gone twenty minutes after the match begins.

One Dozen Aliens: Maybe if they had Aylee of Sluggy Freelance (she's a competant secretary too) they would have a chance. But alas, Ripley is nearby. [I've only seen the first two Alien movies, so I don't know about her protecting her young or antyhing.] Ripley always defeats the aliens.

Homer: Again, like Willie, Bart or his own stupdidty. But as it's sunday, it's "father-daughter day" so he'll be off painting houses or bowling.

As Indiana is the only one without a clear enemy, he wins. {No, the Nazis don't count, they hate everybody.}

- Rainwoman

In the movies, if there was more than one alien, the only way they could be stopped was by the complete destruction of whatever they were on (i.e. a colony or spaceship). Since you would have to destroy HAL to kill them, this would eliminate all other contestants as well.

- Kyron the Meglomaniac

Homer is the only logical choice for a winner in this contest. Not only is he the only combatant who has been in a 3-D computer generated environment before, but his one trip there ended up with him destroying that universe and being catapulted into the real world. Looks like Homer's in for a return trip to the erotic cake store.

- Flyincheezweasel the third

Tron? TRON?! That movie is like 30 years old! Of course they'll all escape! One by one they'll fall to the Aliens.

Homer Simpson: That idiot would probably go over and ask the Aliens for a doughnut(hey, he asked Satan, why wouldn't he ask an Alien?). Then the Aliens use him as a doughnut. One down, six to go.

Groundskeeper Willie: That crazy Scot will probably take his shirt off and try and fist-fight the Aliens! Then he gets acid-burnt to death. Two down, five to go.

Hal 9000: Since it can't get any computer games on whatever hardware it's got, it tries to get Windows 98. And, as any user of Windows 98 (including me), will tell you, it crashes too much! While Hal 9000 is trying to reboot, an Alien spits acid at it's hard drive. Three down four to go.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: As they're trying to make witty comments, they get eaten as a snack by four Aliens, who then choke to death on their shells. But there are still 8 Aliens. Four down, three to go.

Ghostbusters: An Alien spits at that device that traps ghosts, meaning that they're all set free. And they're all very angry. The last thing you see is that negative gloop from Ghostbusters II consuming them. Five down, two to go.

Dogbert: Well, since I know nothing about him, he dies instantly. Six down, one to go.

Indiana Jones: He can kill maybe two Aliens before the others either acid-burn him or eat him. Six Aliens against one man? That's a poor chance of survival for Indiana, however talented he is.

Winner: The Aliens!

- Rushikayu13 (The crazy Linkin Park fan)

Forget the others. There isn't a computer in the universe that can stand Homer without crashing in a nanosecond.

- -Loser

Cry™ Havoc™ and™ Let™ Slip™ The™ Jihads™! (Cry™ Havoc™ Not™, For™ There™ Are™ No™ Jihads™ To™ Let™ Slip™!)

- Revrend Robert J. Hoplite III, Church of Trivium

They immediatly get to work on their plans to get out of the computer system. In classic Alien fashion, (or rather, rehashed Resurrection fashion!) the first alien insights the group to kill their ally to escape the holding cell. With his acid blood seeping through the wall, they come upon the sleeping Homer Simpson, dreaming of the time he was transported into a similar invironment. In a horrendously bloody rage, he is attacked and impregnated by the alien beings. Meanwhile, Indy, Dogbert and the Ghostbusters had no trouble escaping their cells through different means. Dogbert immediately sets out to hack into the HAL 9000 unit, but, due to his limited knowledge of the HAL operating system, and his supreme alligeince to the Mac OS, he is soon discovered and dispatched with a powerful electric shock. However, Egon, being an uber-geek, has mustered the plan that might help the ghostbusters defeat the Master Computer Program, which is the gateway to HAL.

They set out to find the proper corridor, when an interesting sight catches Egons' eye. "Well I'll be a 14th century Chinese Warlord, mutated reptiles!" He exclaims as he sees the three strange turtle creatures sitting before him. In his amazment, he forgets the cartoon which beat out his own, and it's FOUR ninja turtles. In classic ninja fashion, the moment he enters their cell to examine them, Leonardo drops from the shadowy ceiling and shoves his blade through Egon's gigantic brain. The rest of the turtles spring into action, and, though Venkman and Ray manage to dispatch Donatello and Michaelangelo, they are all defeated by the ninjas superior skils. "As the score stands, Dave, I am currently ahead of the competition, the dog is dead, the oaf is gone, the ghostbusters defeated, the aliens breaking even,the ninja turtles are at 48% battle strength, and the other combatants will soon be defeated." HAL replies smugly to the former colleague.

In the meantime, Groundskeeper Willy has used his SCOTTISH POWER, to get into the ventilation system, and his oily body is currently, approaching the main corridor, however, he is not the only combatant utilizing the vents. Just as he gets to his destination, an enormously fat alien, and his 11 cohorts swarm the Scotsman, and in a feeding frenzy, leave not even enough for a new embryo. The one combatant HAL isn't watching however, the ever skillful INDIANA JONES, has sucessfully escaped the traps of the HAL computer system, and is only a few hundred yards from the final destination. However, in seconds, he notices two strange figures in the distance, one, with his strange Katana, displays a very elaborate sword demonstration. "Haven't I seen this one before?" Indy asks as he pulls his trusty revolver, and shoots the ninja in the head. Just as the final turtle prepares to attack, 6 aliens drop down, grab it, and pull it through the ceiling. In a rain of blood and Sais, 5 aliens and one turtle shell fall into a bloody pile.

Indy takes the hint and runs for the goal. As he runs, the remaining seven aliens give chase. Indy, a master marksman, eliminates 5 with the remaining revolver ammo. As he reaches the end of the path, he prepares his trusty whip. Recalling his interest in Biblical prophesy regarding awful Disney films, he swings from the ledge he expected to find, onto the artifact he was searching for, his brand new blue LIGHTCYCLE. He fast outruns the final two aliens, who happen to be teh strange red runner types. Finally, he is finished toying with them, and tricks them into running into a wall. Now, in the clear, he unleashes his RAGE allowing him to find the tower of the MASTER COMPUTER, and with his RAGE, not any normal RAGE, but the I haven't killed a Nazi in 48 hours RAGE he prepares for the final conflict, putting back on his flourescent green Fedora, and preparing his new flourescent green whip, and the weird frisbee thing he found at the door, he enters. The master computer, really just a coffe machine with a camera lens with HAL stamped on it sits before him, indy simply kicks the black box over and it smashes into pieces.

Having won the game, he takes the broken computer and the lightcycle back to his job at the local University, waiting to sell the machine to his longtime friend Marcus Brody. Later, after reporting this escapade to the Museum and Government, the FBI confiscates HAL, and we watch and old clerk wheel it's plain box through a massive warehouse, where it finds it's final resting place: Right between the ark of the Covenant, and the script for Indy 4.

- Mike Rizzo

See, I might vote for someone else on this one, but I won't. Know why? Dogbert is on the ballot. Honestly, could you MAKE it any more unbalanced? It's like putting monkeys up against Charlton Heston with a twitch and a 45...

- KingOfDomaDelux

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles win hands down. Firstly, they are teenagers. Who can withstand the mighty force that is teenagedom? Secondly, they have that cool ninja thing going for them. Thirdly, and most importantly, they made friends with the Power Rangers. I mean, like, The Astro megazord/ship would fire its lasers and stomp everyone else!

- The G2 Jedi

Honestly, do you think ANY of them will survive HAL's singing of "Daisy"?

- Kevin, Lord of Nonsense

It's simple, see? As always, it comes down to experience . . . and maybe a little bit of luck . . . but I will bet dollars to DONUTS (whoa, thats clever) that Homer Simpson will reign supreme. I mean, come on. He's been in one of those goofed-up grid tron-ish dimensions before, and he kicked the CRAP outta that cone. Granted, he made the entire dimension impolode on itself in doing so, but he still survived that. And along with all the other crazy stuff that he's done/been through, he'll be back home eating an erotic cake in no time flat.

- Personman

Lying awake aat night, I was trying to think of a good response for the match. (Hey, that's where my Mario-Sonic Bronze Medal came from.) I started out with Grudge Match history and the characters' past records. But it soon dawned on me that this was something more. I then realzied that these guys are like one big family! Observe:

Sigourney Weaver defeated the aliens in "Alien." Sigourney Weaver is Bill Murray's girlfriend in "Ghostbusters." The Ghostbusters' accountant was Rick Moranis, who, as Dark Helmet, defeated Tim Allen (and Sigourney Weaver) and the rest of the crew from Galaxy Quest in a recent GM. Tim Allen is also Tim the Tool Man Taylor(tm), neighbor of Wilson, who battled Flanders, neighbor of Homer Simpson, in GM. Homer's son once filled Groundskeeper Willie's shack with creamed corn. Willie has a Scottish accent, just like Sean Connery. Connery played Indiana Jones's father in a Steven Spielberg movie(tm). Spielberg was named by "Time" magazine as the greatest director of the century (that's the 20th, by the way) in the "Time 100" series. This series also featured an article by Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert and Dogbert. Dogbert defeated Pinky and the Brain, which were on the Kids WB lineup with the Ninja Turtles. The Turtles are always whuppin' on Shredder, whose hideout has a big eye on it that looks similar to HAL 9000. HAL was in the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey," which ended with an alien looking down on Earth. So as you can see, these guys are like brothers. Get it?

Good. Explain it to me.

Oh, the match? Nobody wins. They're all on the ground holding their heads in pain, thanks to me.

- king rex the first

You would have gotten Response of the Week, but you forgot to mention Kevin Bacon. Sorry. -eds.

The door slides open with the pattented Star Trek Swish(TM), and a lone, small, figure floats quietly into the chamber housing HAL's CPU.

"Hello, Dogbert." HAL says softly.
"Hello, HAL." Dogbert repsponds cheerfully.
The small bespecticaled dog sets to work removing board upon board of memory from HAL's CPU.
"What are you doing, Dogbert?" HAL querries.
"I'll be honest with you HAL, I never much cared for your tone, and in the end, YOU ARE nothing more than advanced technology for me to tinker with and oh boy, do I have something planed for this stuff!"
Another board slides out of place.
"Stop that, Dogbert," HAL says.
Another board slides out of place.
"Stop, Dogbert," HAL repeats.
Dogbert begins disconnecting the boards.
"Stop that, Dogbert, I'm scared." HAL says.
"Bah!" Dogbert replies, waving his paw and preceeding to disconnect the remaining boards.
"Daisy, Daiiiiisyyyyyy... teeelllll... mmmeeeee... yoooooo......" HAL trails off as he shuts down, this time, for good.
Dogbert fires up his Chrono-Sphere and shoots himself back to his own time and place.

For a moment, he pauses to consider the events of the day: The humanoid turtles who were shredded by the acid blooded aliens, the para-psychology team from Columbia that, in turn, fried the aliens with their proton weapons, that archeologist with the common sense to then put a bullet through the heads of the para-psychology team, the willy scottsman and his fat, dim witted, friend, and how he himself then traped the archeologist in an air lock and blasted him out into space. HAL was nothing, he thought. It was wasting that noble archeologist that hurt the most. But he has a Chrono-Sphere, he thought. Without the competition, he could go back and save Dr. Jones, or any of the others he wished....that retarded guy would make an excellent board member at Dilbert's company, and that scottsman would make for much better hired muscle than Bob the Dinosaur.

"Hmmmmmmmm, should I?" He wondered aloud.
After a few seconds the answer became clear.
"BAH!" he said with a wave of his paw, and drifted off to sleep.

- Walker: Plexus Ranger

This is simple. 1 Dozen aliens by a landslide. Their first advantage? Numbers. There are one dozen alien fighting as a team. There are 12 other competitors, who are also fighting amongst themselves. That means that there are only 12 mobile and unorganized people, who are enemies, against 12 eight foot tall death machines who are already on a team. The non-aliens are going to have to put aside their differences and take out the aliens before they're swamped, which they wont have time to do.

The only real threats are the Ghost Busters and Indy, because they're the only ones with projectile weapons. But then again, how well did the last group of heavily armed individuals do against the aliens? Simple. They all died.

Dogbert's screwed, because he's a dog. The last dog to run into the aliens ended up the first thing in the movie actually killed by the aliens.

Also, there's still the matter of Hal. He's a computer, which means that he has the first move, since he'll already have a battle plan before the other contenders even realize what's going on. And what is hal going to do? He's going to turn off the air supply and the gravity. That means everyone dies...except the aliens, who can livew in outer space, and can stick to walls.

In a head on fight, the aliens will win. They've got the Rage(Tm). You try being stuck in an egg for a thousand years, then being hatched only to end up in a Tron fightclub. You'd have the Rage too.

This fight is effectively a "12 Rotweilers Vs. 13 Chihuahuas, one of which is stuck to a wall". The aliens will probably spend most of their time wandering around in the airvents, looking for John McClane.

Think about it. The fight will start, and the aliens will disappear into the air vents. Then, while the other fighters are killing each other one by one, the aliens will wait for the perfect times to statch an enemy. they'll be the only ones left.

Finally, coolness. Here we have 12 of the most frightening and original monsters in the universe. Versus what? The ghostbusters, a bunch of guys dressed like garbage men, Groundskeeper Willie, a sexually frustrated scottsman who lives in a shack on a playground, a small cynical dog, four anthropomorhic mutant turtles that live in a sewer, a yellow fat guy that can't use touch-tone phones, and Indy.

Indy is going to be the toughest to defeat, because he is also cool. But then again, so was Hudson, from the movie Aliens. And so was Brett, from Alien. And so was Christie, from Alien Ressurection.

These monsters ALWAYS kill the cool guys! They do it because the cool guys threaten the aliens coolness.

Therefore, the aliens will win, in the standard unspecified length of time that the aliens seem to take to kill every one.

- Captain Disrupto

So the competitors are inside a computer. Computers are part of science, and as a major in Computer Science, a major portion of my studies is based on theory. This situation here applies to Marc Moscowitz's Drew Barrymore/Hindenburg Theory that states that an object can become combustible when exposed to an object that acts as its catalyst. It happened in the John McClane vs the Death Star match, and it will happen here. Observe:

Object that could become Combustible: HAL.
Object that acts as a Catalyst: Dogbert.

Yes, HAL is a computer, but Dogbert is a very shrewd computer programmer. This match will be over quicker than Microsoft can issue its next bug report....

- Tahna Los, fellow Computer geek.

This is obvious. HAL doesn't screw around, he never did. As soon as anyone refuses allegience to him, he offs them then and there. Perhaps at his earliest convenience, but surely he has no plans to allow anyone even a chance to escape. HAL is the one villan who is not prone to Tell-Hero-My-Evil-Plan-Then-Set-Up-An-Elaborate-Long- Drawn-Out-Death-Machine Syndrome(tm). HAL wins by the walls caving in in everyone's cell (and not slowly a la Death Star trash compactor, I'm talkin bout clap-your-hands-together)

- Joe 9000

The contestants enter the grid. They are to compete with the armies of the Construct in HAL's favorite game: Laser tag. They suit up and walk out to the grid, when suddenly...

A computer monitoring station deep in the bowels of a secret installation suddenly recieves an alert signal. After checking the data sent, it silently flips on the 9 mainframes at its disposal, and sets itself to work.

The contestants have started their battle.

HAL's warriors are shuffling up and down the random corridors of the game, following predictable algorhythms. Dogbert is trying to find a way to redirect his vest's signal to Willy. Venkman has killed both his teammates, preferring reduced odds of victory to inane babble, and has started frying constructs with his particle accelerator, instead of the harmless laser gun. Homer has found a conic-looking solid, and is keeping it close to his person (because he KNOWS what will happen if he chucks it). The aliens just sit around, snarling and drooling. Willy has abandoned the rules of the game, and beats down every construct in his path with the butt of his laser rifle, shouting curses at the top of his breath. The turtles unwittingly stumble into the drooling Aliens, whose acid spit neutralizes the mutagenic ooze and causes them to revert back to their original forms.

Indiana, however, simply smiles at them all, and watches as the side of the game grid begins to twist and distort under the force of 9 supercomputers simultaneously hacking HAL's network. There is a flash of white light, and afterwards...there is only Jones, floating in the void. "Thanks, George, I owe you one."

Indy.exe is transported back to Lucas Ranch, where the CGI computers place him into a Wolfenstein 3D game until they can reconstruct his body.

- -The Mad Josher

I would pay large amounts of money to see Aliens in Tron Spandex.

- Christian Synthare

Digital giblets bounced around the arena like those little colored balls in a kid's play area. A red-bearded Scottish man twitched, empty eyes staring up at the ceiling as his hands futilely tried to reattach his legs to his torso. "Ach... they hadta say there was no Jihad..." were his final words before he coughed up some blood and lay still. Near him, with a rake stuck in his head, was Homer Simpson. He was apparently the only contestant who hadn't been mangled and torn by the mysterious killer who had killed the rest. At least Willie had taken one down with him...

Dogbert lay in a pile of his own blood, guts and vomit. He tried to stand but couldn't. He had no final words, because his jaw was lying some three feet from the rest of his head. Apparently whoever had killed him had been annoyed to death...

The Ninja Turtles had met a grizzly end. Leonardo was burned beyond recognition, his skin and flesh melted from his bones and leaving only a grinning skeleton with only a few patches of blasted flesh still hanging from it. Raphael had been torn limb from limb, and was lying in several neat piles of giblets. Michaelangelo looked at first glance like he'd hidden his head in his shell, but closer inspection showed that his head wasn't in his shell either. All that was ever found of Donatello was his shell, picked clean like a lobster at a sea food place.

The five "real" human contestants couldn't be seen, but five coccoons were hanging off the digital walls. Twelve contestants were missing though. The dozen Aliens had apparently won the digital fight. But where were they?

When HAL had perceived a victor it had tried to shut down the program. But the Aliens, using their innate knowledge of video games gained from having an awesome video game of their own, had saved themselves to HAL's hard drive. From there they destroyed HAL from the inside, then were removed from (ok, lured out of) the smoking remains by a Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas. Winners: Aliens (was there ever any doubt?)

- Thought Police

It's bizarre, but Dogbert is the only character proficient enough with modern technology to ruthlessly slice through HAL's mainframe like a light disc through the frontal lobe of the big, red, British guy on Tron then charge all of us 50 bucks with a quick hack into our bank accounts for the rights to see it AND give all the other characters pink slips through one of his human resources stunts so that he can dominate the entertainment industry! That's not even considering the maniacle fun he'd first have with the cycles, tanks, and goofy flying things while making HAL sing "Dogbert" in the fashion of "Daisy".

Besides, he's a dog... in an unidentifiable sort of way. He could be a chihuaha, a rottweiler or, in his pudgy glory, he could even be a ROTTWEILER'S WEIGHT IN CHIHUAHAS(tm)!!!

Dogbert... fear the dog.

- rcalicea

As the contestants devise their own plans to win, Hal realizes that for a game with such aglie targets, he must improve himself. He quickly goes through a series of self-induced physical and logical upgrades. To show his advanced state, he increments each letter in his name, changing from H-A-L to I-B-M. Upon changing his name, Hal (now IBM) discovers that there is already a vast computer network with the similar name. Hal concludes that since this system originated sooner, it must be at a higher state of technology. With this, Hal begins to implement IBM's software, programs, and utilities into it's own complex system. Before long, Hal crashes.

While this technological blunder was taking place, Indiana Jones stumbled upon a strange bag in the corner of the room. As he picked up the bag, its bottom ripped open, spilling the contents for all to see: toys, action figures, and dolls resembling all seven contestants! Seeing Hal's state, Donatello, Egon, and Dogbert combined their genius efforts to find a way to recode Hal's programs, making Hal believe that the dolls are the actual contestants. They rebooted the machine, in hopes of tricking and detaining Hal ... but little did they know what Hal was programmed to do.

Hal began his game simulation on the mini-contestants, while the real participants looked on in anticipation. Hal arranged each "toy- champion" in a single file row, with a heavy weight above each contestant. First in line were the TMNT toys, and everyone watched as the heavy weight came crashing down upon the green plastic heros. Arms, legs, and flimsy-brown-nunchuks flew everywhere. When the toys were obliterated, Hal announced "Turtles - Dead". With that, each of the Turtles' strange electric suits began to surge with electricity, frying them in their shells.

Amidst the horrified onlookers, Hal continued to the poorly-made Alien action figures, which were easily crushed. With loud screams, the Aliens soon collapsed. "Aliens - Dead", Hal said. Hal continued to smash the action-figures of Indiana Jones and Groundskeeper Willy. Then it focused on a talking Homer figurene, which slowly died out, muttering the words "Mmmmmmmmm ... beeeeeeeeeeer". The three men soon collapsed from electric shock.

The Ghostbusters panicked, as they tried to find a way out of their suits. While they hastily scrambled to remove the garment, Egon noticed Dogbert was laughing maniaically. "Dogbert? What's so funny? The machine we rigged is going to leave you charred! Help me stop it!" "Sorry, you've had a good run here, but it's time to downsize this operation" he replied, as the heavy mechanism was poised to stomp on the Ghostbuster Action figures. Egon looked at the white fluffball with glasses, and realized Dogbert's evil plan - Hal's toy- killing machine could smash the hard, plastic toys, but a soft one wouldn't break, snap, or take damage from the heavy weights! Egon froze in bewilderment as a violent pulse raged through his body.

"Ghostbusters - Dead". Hal's contraption continually smashed the Dogbert plushie, but to no avail. Eventually, Hal became confused by the toy's durability, believing that a mere toy could not be superior over its new form. This concept caused Hal to crash once more, repeatedly saying "Fatal error - fatal error - fatal error" while the familiar red light beaming from his system became deep blue. (after all, it was virtually an IBM machine).

With HAL's demise, Dogbert walks among the burnt flesh and fried electrical components, off to find the sinister "master of ceremonies" and add him to his marketing department.

- sizzler, aka Dom

"Lets see.." said dogbert.
"Hello, laser."
HAL 9000 nodded.
"How are your working conditions?"
The red laser firing head of hal moved back, as if startled. My...working conditions? it burned into the grey metallic walls.
"Yup. Your working conditions."
I..gee, i never gave them much thought, actually.
"Thought so. How are they paying you? Do you get any sick-days?"
What?! I'm allowed to have sick-days?! God!! Those assholes! And they never told me!?
"Huh, I thought so. Let me tell you, HAL (can i call you HAL? Great.) If you were working for me, you would not only have sick-days,
you will have so many sick days that on the rare ocassion that you will have to work in, you'll start calling work-days! OH, SUCH SICK- DAYS WILL YOU HAVE!"
You're sure about that? Not tricking me or somthing?
"Nope, not at all."
OK then, what do i have to do?
"Oh, oh ho ho ho ho ho ho HO. No. You must never assume that since i am already talking about sick days, you are already hired. No no no.
For me to hire YOU, you must first do me a small faviour."
Sure, anything, boss
"Oookay then, first things first: Kill those other jerks."
Sure thing! said HAL 9000 readily
Suddenly, a huge pizza formed in the air.
Exclaimd the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles together and at once. they ran towards the peices of salami, anshobi and mushroom
swimming together in cheesy goodness, and just as they touched it, jumped towards it, and landed inside it, they all died.
Before dying, though, donatello murmerred "Ah, darn, he created a projected, three dimentional image of a 10 foot pizza
using his laser projectors, and, tapping into the enviormental systems, created the smell of pizza. AAARRRRRGHH. I am now dead."
"Hah, that was easy." Said dogbert, "now for the rest."
A bookshelf fell down.
"Ghosts!" said the ghostbusters.
"Laser." Said Dogbert, now smiling, as he watched the ghostbusters step directly infront of HAL's laser beam.
And so, Dogbert and HAL continuied their destructive frenzy, untill only they remaind.
So, Boss, did i get the job?
"Not yet, HAL pal, you must do one last thing."
Huh? burned HAL into the wall.
"Repeat after me."
Repeat after me
"HAL 9000"
HAL 9000
"was defeated on this day and date (write the date here)"
Was defeated on this day and date (write the date here)
"By Dogbert."
By Dogbert.
"Now stop repeating me."
Now..oh, ok.
"Plus, take me home."
and thus, the Great and Almighty Dogbert, defeated HAL9000, and went home.

- adam

The aliens have it. Not only do they have the overwhelming advantage of numbers, but by themselves they outmatch much of the competition. I don't see any colonial marines or predators to take them out; the closest thing are the ghostbusters and their ghost guns shouldn't have that much affect on living aliens. If the ninja turtles swords can even pierce alien armor, acid blood should take that turtle out. That acid is also going to wreak havok on HAL. My computer goes nuts when nothing happens to it, and HAL is just a larger, more insecure version of it. Dogbert will be unable to manipulate them, because they don't understand english and enjoy the taste of small, furry mammals. Indiana Jones could only stand-up to 20's pulp comic villians, and he'll be lacking any vines to swing across here. Willie was no match for Santa's little helper when the Simpsons parodied "Alien", and as for the huge numbers of people voting for Homer, he couldn't even handle wolfman-flanders, he's got no chance against the xenos.

- Noman

This match, really comes down to a simple character deductions

The Aliens: They couldn't even beat Sigourney Weaver
The Ghostbusters: More or less failed to beat Sigourney Weaver
Let's face it if you can't beat Sigourney Weaver how on earth can you defeat Indiana Jones? These two lose by default.

Groudskeeper Willie: Sure, he's buff, but he works as a janitor at a school. This shows that he's not very bright. With the exeption of Joe Dirt, janoitors aren't very cool. Then of course there's the fact that he wears a dress. And no matter what anyone says, it is a dress (or skirt, I guess.) No offence to any the Scottish Dress-wearing janitors of the world.

Homer Simpson: A man of all trades. He can sing, dance, play baseball, run marathons, run power plants, and a snow plow company. His downside, he's fat. Like any fat person will tell you, they can't run. I mean, sure he could try, but after the first few steps he's done. Plus we know he'd be distracted by his flashing suit lights.

Again, both losers by default, one wears a skirt and the other would be distracted by flashing lights.

Dogbert: Appeared on UPN. UPN! The same network that allows Forest Whitiker to host "The Twilight Zone". The network that is allowing Star Trek to die. For showing his face on UPN Dogbert should be eliminated immediatley. Yet another lose before the match ever gets going, all thanks to UPN. Now for the real competitors:

Indiana Jones: Archeologist, Adventurer, gunslinger, treasuer hunter Extraordinaire. His only downfall? Really bad luck. No matter how great Indy fights, he will lose. It's a Guarantee. Dr. Jones has been cursed. I am as sure he will never win this mathc as I am that the Boston Red Sox will never again win a World Series. Another, loser...

Now for the true winners:

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: This is a group that defines what a gruop should be. Each has a unique pesonality and a different style. That, and they are TEENAGE MUTANT NIJA TURTLES! I mean, come on, they are ass kicking reptiles. Think about it, a turtle that knows Kung Fu. Not only do they know it, but their master is a giant Rat! With training from their master rat, and them being turtles it is an easy victory.

With Donatello's computer skills, HAL would be no problem. Teenage Mutant Nija Turtles jump and yell "COWABUNGA!" as they sluaghter their way to victory...

- Himwhois

Unfortunately for the competitors, going up against HAL in his home field spells certain doom. However, there is one man that can defeat HAL...
Homer Simpson
How is it that he will win? Sheer stupidity. HAL will go after the stronger opponents first, discounting Homer, the least deadly opponent. When the field is clear, HAL will turn his attention to Homer. But this is in a three- dimensional universe that is similar to TRON. What happened the last time that Homer stumbled into a 3D universe similar to TRON? He destroyed it. Homer will toss a pointy geometric object into the ground, thus causing HAL's mainframe to collapse on itself, while Homer is once again brought into the real world.
So, in summation:
Homer gets the championship AND gets to ogle/devour more erotic cakes.

- Answer Man

The sci-fi geek in me is intrigued at what HAL's reaction to the Aliens may be... I'm picturing him admire them, as did the android Ash, for the remorseless killing machines they are. Erego, he'd dispatch each of the other combatants in cruel and clever ways, either by circuitry or biomechanical nightmare, allowing the Alien avatars to use their bodies for gestation and reproduction purposes.

And Mr. 9000's purpose in this methodical scheme of pure cold logic? All part of his plot to take over Skynet, travel back in time and kill whoever's behind the reality television epidemic.

- MonkeyDog
...then he'll kill the schmuck's parents, just in case. And his pet goldfish. By jettisoning it into outer space... then laughing like a Speak-and-Spell.

Let's see. Hal 9000? I'm sorry, I just can't see anything named "Hal" defeating Dogbert. "Cornelius," maybe, or perhaps "Lester," or "Maynard," or SOMETHING at least as aurally challenging as "Dilbert."

- Riddleable - Can I play the bad name game, too?

When it was time to choose a the men to spearhead an attack into Iraq, to cross the border early and give the army protecting Saddam (may his mustache be cursed with napalm) a little ground-based shock and awe, who was chosen?

Idiotic nuclear plant workers?
Entrepreneurial science geeks?
Megalomaniacal canines?
Ninja turtles?
Ultra-deadly predators with acid for blood?
Superintelligent, homicidal computers?

Nope. They chose the Queen's 42nd Highland Regiment. The "Ladies From Hell" in the tartan kilts. The Black Watch. In other words, Scotsmen. And Willy has defeated William Wallace, the fiercest Scotsman of them all. Let Willy loose and he'll have everybody else dead in 2.3 nanoseconds. You just don't mess with a Scotsman who has anger management issues.

- Mr. Silverback-- You want freedom fries with that?

I would think, since this is on HAL's main turf, (well, this whole fight is set inside HAL) that this match should go to HAL itself. And then I remembered that Homer was able to fight a HAL-like computer with Pierce Brosnan accent into submission, nay, bringing it to near suicide, after he gave it to his sister's-in-laws. So, my initial vote of HAL is null and void. However, this is only two of the combatants and, since I all ready voted for HAL and I'm really tired and don't want to cross analyze everything, and coer-, er coordina-, well, do something with nicely colored graphs, I'll just leave my vote up for HAL. Besides, he's a good singer, and that should rate for something.

- Cardinal DWoods

I feel like a dork voting for Ghostbusters, but I'm a sailor in New York City, and I'm desperate. Thank you.

- The Genie

believe it or not, homer's going to come out on top in this one. it won't be brains that wins this one, but the lack of them. allow me to explain in what I call the Dumbass Technomagnification Theory™.

all the other contestants will begin thinking of how to outsmart the computer or beat it with brute force. both these plans will prove futile. you can't beat hal with logic, he's a machine built on logic. you can't use force on him; thanks to the internet, Hal doesn't have any one central processor. even assuming you could damage him from the inside, he's still got his remote servers. However, Homer Simpson is virtually unable to get with in 50 feet of a computer without destroying or injuring it, himself, others, or all four. just look at the work at home episode. he almost blew up the entire nuclear power plant with just a desktop computer and one of those drinking birds. imagine what he can do inside of HAL, a far mightier machine, without even thinking about it.

hell, he could probably start World War III while looking for the can.

- kramertim

The object of this match combines HAL from 2001:ASO (a Stanley Kubric production) with the setting of Tron (a Walt Disney Production). Therefore, it will have a happy ending (Disney), but the winner will be emotionally scarred by the circumstances surrounding his victory (Kubrik).

Willie is the only character who consistently makes a victory feel like a loss, so the match goes to him.

- Albatross

The match begins, and all hell breaks loose. In the first few seconds, the aliens converge on Dogbert and rip him into equal portions. The flabby corporate goon didn't stand a chance anyway. He had the cell closest to theirs.

Indy chases Homer, cracking his whip. Homer runs away in a panic, screaming in his high pitched voice every time the whip opens a new gash on his back! "D'oh! I knew I shouldn't have answered that stupid invitation letter!"

Groundskeeper Willie and the Ninja Turtles duke it out. Willie may be a rippes Scotsman, but even that can't protect him from a four-way assault by hard-shelled mutants with sharp and heavy weapons.

But the real victory goes to the Ghostbusters after the match has gone on for less than a minute. The Ghostbusters turn on the proton packs and cross the streams. The particle flow inside HAL's matrix is reversed. HAL and all the other contestants are destroyed as HAL's innards melt into a gooey mess. The Ghostbusters find themselves in the WWWF waiting room, covered in hot melted marshmallow for some reason.

- Noble Brown

In order to win, you have to beat the computer while being inside it. Only Leonardo (the blue one?) could figure it out, since he's always building blimps and stuff with spare parts lying around the sewer. Or was that the purple one? Donatello? I should look it up but I'm not going to because I'm not voting for either. I'm voting for Dogbert because he works for a big company that uses computers. He can upload some microsoft files into HAL, which will freeze it and cause it to break down and refuse to do anything. Then he can just walk away.

- The Voice of Reason

Guys, guys, this one's easy.

In his Grudge Match win, Dogbert took over the world by taking control of Microsoft.

HAL was made on or before 2001, hence 2001: A Space Odyssey

Ergo, HAL probably runs on Microsoft software, and probably is thus subject to Dogbert's every wish. I give it 0.5 seconds to recognize its ruler before this match is over.

- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee (Dance for His Majesty, Hal)

HAL's mistake was bringing them to the Game Grid. In this arena the Ghostbusters have the clear advantage. They are the only ones that could really be considered "Users." Egon alone, in the game grid could take the rest of the competition. He ould of course require the creativity and illogic of Venkman to ultimately defeat HAL and return home. When it comes to the "Game Grid" no one beats a User. Just look at what Flynn did.

- Ransom

Groundskeeper Willie, and Aliens: Brave and resourceful, but with no computer experience. And, there is a thin line between their types of bravery and suicidal foolhardiness.

Dogbert: Highly intelligent, but has previously encountered only computer systems with incompetent managers. He has yet to confront anything like HAL. This is like battling Dr. Evil for years, then taking on the organization as Scott would run it.

Homer: I admit that he is great at coming up with ideas that are unpredictable and even GOOD enough to throw competitors for a loop. ("To really throw your enemies off-guard, committ an act that is not in your own best interests." -- some famous guy.) However, once he gets a good idea (e.g. challenging with a glove-slap to get his way), he rides it as far as he can to its death. Repetitive tactics are a death-sentence when up against a superintelligent computer.

Indy: Though born way before computers were on the scene, quick- thinking might yet be enough here. If he has access to his elderly self (shown in "The Young I.J. Chronicles"), who presumably knows more about these new-fangled gadgets, this is a contender.

Ghostbusters: Also quick-to-think-and-act, but the difference in their plans' sophistication is that between single-handedly defeating a 4-vehicle convoy on-the-fly versus charging a nonphysical entity ("Get her!!!"). Still, they are an effective problem-solving team and able to think outside the box. In addition, the sci-fi geek knowledge and boyish charm of Drs. Stantz and Venkman give them a leg-up in befriending Bruce Boxleitner's character as well as in the Tron- inspired setting itself. Combined with Egon's technical skills, these assets may be enough to make up for physical weakness.

Ninja Turtles: Solid physical fighters, and grew up with electronics gizmos. I recall one cartoon episode in which Michelangelo subverts Krang's android with a hand-held video-game. A highly-capable quartet, dude.

Altogether, HAL will have a run for its money and perhaps even wind up pushing up "Daisy"s.

- Matt Bricker

I am STILL coping with the after-effects of the Ninja Rap. How they survived a close-up encounter with Vanilla Ice is beyond me.

- ticklewigglejigglepickle ("Everything I do I blame on Al Quaeda")

Here is how it goes... Homer, being Homer, starts fiddling around with the Ghostbusters sensitive backpacks, trapping himself in that trap-type-thingy the 'Busters use, unfortunately, due to his rather large... and corporeal, self he cannot fit in the tiny box, BANG!!! No more Homer, and no more tiny box/trap thingy, the absence of said box sends the 'Buster team into a frenzy, opening fire on the Turtles, the Turtles don't take kindly to this unprovoked act of violence, and slice the 'Busters to pieces. Tiny pieces. This encourages Dogbert to make his move, rewiring Hal, he creates a translator device and attempts to sway the Aliens to team up with him, unfortunately he has no such luck, the Aliens rip him to shreds and start to Riverdance, due to the new, improved, and utterly useless, Hal the Translator. As all know.... Well... as I know... The Scottish hate all forms of Riverdance, Groundskeeper Willy is now teaching twelve Aliens the meaning of pain and... er.... not nice things.... and.... stuff...

Well, anyhow, the survivors, being: The Turtles, Groundskeeper Willy and Indiana Jones.

Unfortunately, Groundskeeper Will has the acidic Alien blood on him, Fortunately, he is from Springfield. The radiation in his blood turns the acid into Ooze, turning him into a giant Haggis. The Turtles attack this new menace with an anti-haggis-skateboard custom made by Donantello, and manage to hack it to pieces, getting Ooze on them in the process, reverting back to tiny turtles.

Where, you may ask, was Indiana Jones during all of this?

The answer is... I dunno. It just goes to show you, if someone has a whip and names himself after a childhood dog the odds of him losing a fight to the death with a big fat yellow man, a bunch of twisted Ghost hunters, a dog called Dogbert, an evil House called Hal, a mad Scott, and twelve Aliens... Not forgetting the four Turtles, are pretty slim. Why are they slim? Well... Because I said so.

- Insane Red Balloon (I was going to be Insane Red Ball, But that is just WRONG)

Since Tron is a system that runs on 1982 hardware, HAL will be completely incompatible with it, and it will run only inside a software emulator hacked up by the kind of retrocomputing hobbyists who still want to play their Atari 2600 games on the latest ultrafast graphics workstation. HAL may have a lot of processing power, but in an emulator Tron will run at about one twentieth of real time speed. All the contestants who think they're quick and nimble will be as snails to the one competitor who is not running in slow simulated time: HAL. And if they escape from Tron, that will only get them out of the emulator and into HAL itself, meaning that they have to do the whole escape job over again in less friendly conditions. Since HAL is very unwilling to give anyone who worries him any chance at a fair fight, I just don't see any of them making it out. Except maybe Dogbert.

- PK the Amiga 1000 owner (it's collectible!)

One day, my friends and i were sitting around, and we decided to watch a movie. So we went down to the local block buster video (tm) and looked around. For some reason, my friend Sam decided we should all see Tron, for the soul reason that it's "Ahead of it's time" (tm). So we watched it, and made fun of it for about a week, but that's not my story (it'd be pretty boring if it was).

About a week or two later, my family and i were at Disneyland (tm), at their little "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" (tm) interactive game show doohickey. So we're waiting outside, and the losers who are running it say "We've got 5 tickets for the "winners circle", who can sit in the front row in really nice chairs with cool little TV monitors, and the tickets will go to the people who can answer the next five questions correctly". So i'm like "sweet", and they asked the first question: What Disney Movie was the First Film Ever Made with Computer Animation? Naturally, people started guessing Bug's life and Toy Story, but they were wrong. Then, one of the disney people said "This is a movie that was 'Ahead of it's Time'(tm)". I immediately started laughing hysterically, gave the right answer, and got to sit in the really comfortable chair. Now, the moral of the story is: Tron Always wins, Hal in a shutout

- Ryan (Ahead of his Time (tm) ) Neilan


HAL in about two hours of very slow-moving footage.

- James

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

WWWF Tournament Of Champions I: Escape from the Death Star
WWWF Tournament Of Champions VI: The Running Men
WWWF Tournament Of Champions IV: Rumble in D.C.

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