GrudgeLine

Dear Grudgeline,
I have these really annoying neighbors. There's always camera crews around their house, and one time they threw a ham into my yard! There's loud noises coming out of the house late at night. Not only that, I can barely sleep through all the bleeping noises!! What can I do?
Sincerely,
Really considering buying a different house in another location far from where I'm currently residing.

Dear Really,
What's the DEAL with neighbors anyway? Are ANY of them sane? I'll tell you one thing: I'd trade places with you in a minute! Mine TAKE my food. Yours throw food AT you. As least when you're done with your argument, you have a meal ready. If you keep arguing, will they toss YOU a marble rye bread? Call them idiots. Maybe they'll THROW a delicious sorbet your way. Neighbors taking food. Neighbors throwing food. IS there a happy medium? Maybe they could take food, but pay a little for it. I don't know. It's ALL very strange, if you ask me.
-Jerry Seinfeld

Dear Grudgeline
Recently I have come into contact with a talking ferret. It's really smart and witty, although it can be a bit snide and unpleasant at times. Here's my problem: It won't talk in front of other people, much like the Toy Story toys or the singing frog in that old Looney Tunes episode. Everyone thinks I'm going insane, carrying it around everywhere and hitting it with a shovel when I can't get it to say anything. How can I force it to talk, so I can exploit it for commercial gain?
-Anonymous

Dear anonymous,
First, I would like to inform you on how honored and grateful I am to be answering this question for you, a dear friend. Not family, mind you, but a dear friend. You could have gone to many other people. You came to me. Now, how to get a ferret to talk. Meet it in a dark restaurant. Order some Italian food. Make small talk -- in a low, mumbly voice. Ask about its family. Ask about its business ventures. Use gestures to help so it doesn't misunderstand. Remind it you know where it lives. Remind it that you know where its family lives. Remind it who is boss. Then make it an offer it can't refuse. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some... business... to take care of. I hope that some day, in turn, I can come to you to ask a favor, as a dear friend.
-Don Vito Corleone