GrudgeLine

Dear Grudgeline,
While digging in the yard in preparation for a home improvement project, I hit something metallic. Further digging revealed that the metal object was actually a large metal ring with some sort of symbols etched in it. It appeared to be made of two pieces, one apparently able to rotate inside the other. On the piece that doesn't look like it rotates are a number of chevron-shaped objects. Later, I came across something resembling a large podium with a big red dome in the center and a whole mess of those symbols carved in the top.
My question is this: Since I don't want this contraption, should I try to sell it on E-bay, haul it to the junkyard and sell it for scrap, or would I be better off if I simply called a waste hauler and have it carted away?
Thanks in advance for your answer.
-The Demented Astronomer

Dear Demented,
Oh, buddy! If you get rid of that "contraption," as you call it, you'll be ever so sorry. It's a gold mine, mister. A gold mine! Just get that baby humming and then charge people to take them to other galaxies. Listen, if people are willing to pay $20 million just to hitch a ride to a space station, imaging the amount they'll pay for day trips around the universe. And we've even thought up some catchy jingles for the commercials. Here's one: "See the Milky Way in a Chevron Bay." Actually, that's all we've got. But that's okay. Oh, things are looking up for you, my friend.
Good luck
-Dinah Shore and Pat Boone

Dear Grudgeline,
I don't know if you could answer these questions for me but I had just been wondering:
1. If electricity comes from electrons then what does morality come from?
2. If a quiz is quizzical then what is a test?
3. If you eat Pop Rocks and Soda at the same time, what will happen?
I hope you can answer these few questions as I have recently been looking at life in a whole different percpective (why is the grass green, the water bluish, the sun yellow, where does fire come from, how does my brain know to move my arm when I want it to) thinking about life's many unanswered (or answered but the answer is not well known) questions. So if you can please answer these questions or just one I would be eternally grateful. And where does the word 'eternally' come from? And where does 'grateful' come from? As a matter of fact, where do all words come from? Is there a man somewhere who just thinks of sounds and then begins using them in sentences and therefore has created a 'word'? Like numbers, if they never end then is there some person whose job it is to come up with numbers, whose doing that right this second? And speaking about seconds, why does the clock start on 12? And why...
Sincerely,
Confused Person
P.S. Where does the word 'sincerely' come from. As a matter of fact, what does it mean? And where does 'confused' originate from? And 'person', who invented that one? And what about the comma (,) what is that about, who came up with that? I need help. Help!!!!!!!!!

Dear Confused,
You should have stopped while you were ahead. Any fool could have thought up the first three questions. After that, however, your lack of experience as a pun creator was on display for all to see. A true pun creator would have said "How long has the word 'eternally' been around?" or "I'd really appreciate it if you told me what 'grateful' meant." Your postscript was even more proof. No word play fan would use pronouns in such disregard. An expert would have used pronouns cautiously so that when he or she said "Mississippi -- spell it," there would be solid ground for the expert's answer of "i-t." Your defense failed. You are a pun novice and, therefore, could not have won the Idaville Snappy Pun contest. The trophy and $10.00 award rightfully belong to Sally.
-Encyclopedia Brown