GrudgeLine

Dear Grudgeline,
This weird guy in a cloak approached me last night as I was walking home. He said that I had long travels and great diversity before me, and that, based on prophecy, I'm the only one who can revive the orbs. He said that he would offer me one super power before I have to begin.
I don't know what to choose. I mean, super speed is great no matter how you look at it. But then again, flying sounds like fun. And of course, the ability to read people's minds could be useful for passing tests and things. What power should I choose?
Sincerely,
-Afgncaap5

Dear Afgncaap5,
Super power, huh? How about the power to get a haircut? How about the power to get a decent job? How about the power to socialize without sulking? Maybe the power to remember your sister's birthday? Maybe the power to purchase clothing that is not black?
-Clarence Lilaplume Afgncaap5, Sr.
P.S. You mother says to bring the dirty dishes up from the basement when you boys finish your little game.

Dear Grudgeline,
Its been a few months now since the slackers that put together the Grudge-Match called it quits because of "Real world" responsablities. Personally, I think they should have just gotten new people to come in to do all their dirty work for them, but thats another question there entirely. Anyways, my question is this. How do I know that all is right in the world without the Grudge-Match to tell me so? I saw Star Wars Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith and I'm just confused by it. I'm not sure if the story that need to be told was done the right way. I'm thinking the Mace Windu - Empirer fight should have been a little longer, with a least one "Bad Mother Fucker" and something very vengeful god biblical stuff. I thought that Annikin should have died when he is burned by the lava and then have the empiror do the Voo-Doo thing to bring him back to life. Would it have killed Lucas to have gotten some good cameo roles from some of the orginal cast? How does Chewie go from being a top officer in the Wookie army to being the Grease Monkey for the Millenam Falcon? Hell, why didn't Qui-Gon show up as a ghost?? Don't you think when they stand Vador up in the Black Armor Suit and he's told that he killed Padme that he should have been more violent?? You know, Chuck a few of the Clones around, snap them in half, really make a gooey mess of the place?? These are just a few of the questions I thought of. Help me Grudge-Line, you're my only hope
- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
You're telling me. And you didn't even get to the big problem. What was with those wipes? I thought I was attending a PowerPoint demo session. Blinds horizontal. Blinds vertical. Checkerboards. Wipe down. Wipe up. Wipe left. Wipe right. Shape diamond. Shape circle. Wheel clockwise. The list goes on. I thought this guy was supposed to be a special effects genius and this is the best he can do? Shameful! I'd be embarrassed to put my name on that "film."
yours,
-Alan Smithee