For that long trip to the BAT-room...

From the makers of the Ritalin™ Reading Room!

These responses ran longer than most. They were too good to exclude and they allowed us to further abuse a theme page™!
Readers with short attention spans are running away faster than they appear in your mirrors.

Millionaire Bruce Wayne and his ward Dick Grayson are enjoying an afternoon tea when Alfred steps into the room.

"Gentlemen, the Bat-Phone is ringing."

Bruce & Dick spring to their feet.

"Come on, old chum," says Bruce, "It looks like we're needed."

Running to the Bat-Phone, Bruce lifts the reciever and speaks.

"Yes commisioner? Yes. Yes, I see. That is disturbing. Don't worry, Batman and Robin are on the case!"
"What is it Bruce?" asks Dick, excited.
"The city has been besieged by a trio of Bat-Imposters!"
"Holy multipliction, Bruce!"
"To the Batcave!"

Bruce opens the bust of Shakespeare on the table and pushes the button within. The wall swings open and Bruce and Dick leap onto the Bat-Poles, sliding down into the cave below. They emerge in full costume and leap into the Bat-Mobile, taking off for Gotham City.


Sometime later, Batman and Robin arrive at the office of Commisioner James Gordon.

"Faith and begorrah, thank goodness you're here!" replies the horrible Irish Cop stereotype known as Police Chief O'Hara.
"What's the situation Commisioner?" asks Batman, ignoring the pathetic drunkard.
"It's as I said on the phone Batman. The madmen are stalking the city claiming to be you. They're causing tremendous damage and they've put dozens of criminals in the hospital! If something isn't done soon someone could be killed!"
"Holy doppelganger, Batman! How are we going to find these three wanna-be Bats?"
"I guess we'll just have to follow the trail of destruction, old chum!"
"Good luck to ye, boyos!" calls Chief O'Hara. "Oh shut up, you stupid mick!" mutters commisioner Gordon. "Why the hell are you always in my office anyway? Don't you have better things to do?"

Several hours later, on the other side of the city, a trio og S&M Bat- Freaks in rubber outfits are involved in a titanic tussle, tossing each other around a darkened alley.

"I'm Batman!" shouts one.
"No, I'm Batman!" shouts a second.
"You're both wrong, I'm Batman!" shouts a third.
Then a fourth voice joins in. "There's only one Batman around here boys, and it's not any of you!"

Batman and Robin step out of the shadows. The three Bat-Imposters take one look at the new arrivals and bust out laughing.

"What's so funny, you jerkwads?" asks Robin.
"You are loser! Nice shorts!" says a second Robin as he steps from the shadows.
"Holy twin, Batman! They didn't say anything about a Robin imposter."
"We've got our work cut out for us, old chum. Come, let's kick mad buttock!"

Batman and Robin wade into the group of imposters as the air fills with sound effects:


When the smoke clears, the entire is standing around.

"You didn't even hit us!" says Clooney-Bat.
"Yeah, what a joke!" says Kilmer-Bat.
"What am I even doing here?" wonderd Keaton-Bat aloud.
"Oh, screw this!" replies Robin. He snatches an especially large WHAP! from where it is hanging in the air and hits his O'Donnel imposter over the head with it, knocking him unconcious.
"Good idea old chum!" replied Batman, grabbing an OOOF! and laying into George Clooney.

Soon Batman and Robin stand victorious as the imposter lay prostate on the ground.

"We did good old chum!"
"Let's round up these losers and turn them in Batman!"

Suddenly, maniacal laughter issues from a nearby roof.

"My god!" replies Batman.
"Not him!" say Robin with a shudder.
"Yes, it is I, your greatest enemy! Joel Schumacher. I say now that the Batman franchise will forever be cursed by the insipid cheesiness of your asinine antics! Batman will never be taken seriously, and it is all your fault!"

Will Schumacher's dreaded curse prove true? Can Batman and Robin overcome the sheer weight of their own silliness?

Find out, next week. Same Bat time, same Bat Channel!

- Don "King" Milliken

Let's take a look at how this breaks down...

The Costume
Keaton's Batman costumes were designed by Bob Ringwood, who did the really nasty stuff with the Harkonnens and the Sardaukar in Dune. This is the uniform of the Dark Knight from Hell itself, created to inspire fear in "a superstitious, cowardly lot". The other two Batman movies, on the other hand, had costumes designed for one purpose and one purpose only: to let Joel Schumacher zoom in an awful lot on Kilmer's and Clooney's rubber-clad crotches (geez, what the heck was with that anyway?) Adam West's "Batman" costume? Gimme a break! Look how small those ears are on his cowl. "Mouse- man" is more like it.
Advantage: Keaton

The Batmobile
Keaton's car is some kinda Giger-inspired armored phallus, and has that cool side-ejection/inline skating mode. Both of Schumacher's versions couldn't hold a candle to what Tim Burton conceived ("chicks dig the car" yah right). Adam West's just has to rule though: look how many times he leaves it parked in a city as DANGEROUS as Gotham City, without so much as The Club(tm) to keep someone from stealing it... and yet no one ever tried to steal the Batmobile! That's gotta be some kinda anti-theft technology, if no one wanted to swipe something loaded with that many goodies.
Advantage: West

The Sidekick
Keaton: didn't need one. Kilmer and Clooney: a whiney brat who should really be trying to pick up girls instead of loafing around in spandex all evening (is the Batcave perverted or what?) West: Burt Ward almost had Dustin Hoffman's role in The Graduate, so that's gotta count for something.
Advantage: tie between Keaton and West

Female Interests
Catwoman was one of the best villains in all the movies. But as Vicki Vale has left Bruce Wayne for Alec Baldwin, this seriously calls into question the Keaton Batman's taste in women (Baldwin probably being nuts enough in real life to be a Batman villain). Kidman ummm... well as we saw in Eyes Wide Shut, her psycho-sexual interests would ultimately drive Batman even further over the edge. Like someone on Harry Knowles' site said, Poison Ivy was bad enough "to make a straight man go gay." Adam West's Batman, his faux-marriage to Marsha Queen of Diamonds aside, had no female interests. But he did have Eartha Kitt as Catwoman (and the fact that Kitt had the guts to get in Ladybird Johnson's face about the Vietnam war gets serious points in my book)
Advantage: West

This will come down between Batman:West and Batman:Keaton (Kilmer and Clooney were knocked unconscious as Schumacher was setting up another zoom-in on their butts). With his trusty utility belt, West will beat Keaton, easily... and then comes the sound of hurrying hoofbeats.

Batman, the REAL Batman, horseback on a black stallion as rendered by Frank Miller in The Dark Knight Returns, grabs the West Batman by the cape. "You FOOL!! You're not the real Batman. I'M the real Batman! You never survived the Cataclysm. You never had your back broken by Bane. YOU NEVER EVEN FOUGHT A SINGLE BATTLE IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT, YOU DAYLIGHT COWARD!!!"

Although officially a West win, the original DC Comics Batman takes all. Shame on the Save The Grudge Foundation for ignoring him!

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight, starring in Batman VIII as "The Middler"

What no mention of the Animated Batman? or the B&W dude from the forties?

Ok, having an affinity for all things dark here I go:

The Batmobile : (10) The blowtorch Ford, a true classic.
Other vehicles : (2) All BatBoats suck, the bike gets some booger points.
Batcave : (9) Quite cool really. Villain actually died in nuclear reactor, always a positive.
Costume : (5) The cowl made up for Adam West's obvious donut problems.
Villains : (8) The best Catwoman, Riddler, Penguin, but a lot of garbage too.
Side kicks : (4) Yvonne Craig makes up for The Flaming Grayson. We never did get to see her in a Batteddy.
Babefactor : (10) Julie Newmar wins this all by herself even without the able help of ms. Craig. Along with Emma Peel, a lot of pleasant memories for the middle aged set.
Intelligence : (0) Totally lacking, but that was the point.
Fighting ability : (2) Usually got the snot kicked out of him until the last punch, so a toss up.
Creature of The Night Factor : (0) Would not scare an eight year old pick pocket.
Other bonuses : (3) Was on Perry Mason, was not the killer. (toooo Baaad)

Total (53)

The Batmobile : (9) Dark, spooky, splits in two. How did the Triangle Gang get a hold of the plans?
Other vehicles : (8) All BatBoats suck. The coolest Batplane, especially in moonlight.
Batcave : (6) Someone wanders in, does not become super hero.
Costume : (10) Dark, moody and designed by an artist, the suit was almost perfect.
Villains : (8) An incredible Joker, a great catwoman, and a penguin inspired by Thomas Nast.
Side kicks : (10) A.K.A. NO SIDEKICKS! Batman is the essential loner.
Babefactor : (6) Michelle Phifer loses to Julie Newmar in the barest of squeekers. She is a better lost soul, though. Kim Bassiger? Give me a break.
Intelligence : (9) He looks as though he could have designed this stuff.
Fighting ability : (8) A bit stiff early on, the bell tower fight from Batman and the opening clown battle of Batman return redeem him.
Creature of The Night Factor : (9) No Shiny stuff but the logo, he WOULD scare you if you saw him popping out of the shadows.
Other bonuses : (7) Great line out of The Dream Team, on why a bully should listen to him "I'm an escaped mental patient with a history of violence." Best scene : the dance under the mistletoe.

Total (90)

The Batmobile : (4) Neon is out of place on anything Bat. Got stolen by a kid.
Other vehicles : (5) All BatBoats suck. Neat trick with the Batplane / Batsub. Great garage.
Batcave : (2) Too many people wandering in. No real design. Gets blown up.
Costume : (4) legitimized the all the crap Batman toys with Sonar Batman suit in the end of the movie. Nipples were not funny, esp. when your Co-Crimefighter is a boy.
Villains : (6) Two Face was semi cool. But imagine Billy Dee Williams as a black Two Face with white scars like Tim woudda done it... The Riddler belongs in the fifties and it showed.
Side kicks : (0) Meaning, there are sidekicks to get in the way and get shot and to write tell all books twenty years later.
Babefactor : (0) Nicole Kidman, as they say, can make porn boring. Drew and the other one don't quite count.
Intelligence : (2) Figures out obscenely stupid riddle after letting badguys come in and shoot up the place.
Fighting ability : (7) The cake fight and the opening safe sequence are the only things that stand out.
Creature of The Night Factor : (3) Batman does not smile. And to be smiling because of Ice queen Nicole shows questionable judgement.
Other bonuses : (0) I kept expecting him to say "I'm Batman, dude"

Total (33)

The Batmobile : (1) Neon is out of place on anything Bat. The worst batmobile. Period.
Other vehicles : (3) All BatBoats suck. Amazingly, no Batboat in this one. Slight bonus on the bike race. So much stuff designed to look as bad as the toys.
Villains : (6) All for AAAhhnolds light up suit.
Side kicks : (0) Now if Alica's costume had nipples it would have been a higher score.
Babefactor : (2) In Robin Hood Uma Thurman convincing played a boy and unconvincingly played a woman.
Intelligence : (0) Did not solve disease himself. People now wandering into Batcave at will.
Fighting ability : (1) And that's being generous.
Creature of The Night Factor : (0) The Neon Batsuit. Batman now mellow, smiling at will.
Other bonuses : (2) George Clooney's acting style "Nod, Smile, Turn head, Nod, Wink"was blasted on a funny MST3000 special. Was on two E.R.'s.(That's something)

Total (19)

Winnah: Keaton, but that was obvious.

Ever notice how Superman is a one woman man and was likely a virgin when he was forty years old but Batman has had dozens of women and quite likely gotten to home base with most of them. (or leaving them wishing he did)?

- Darth Brooks I am an escaped mental patient with a history of violence

This match has to be determined by the caliber of contestants. So let's look at them critically.

- Val Kilmer's Batman was way too cartoonish. The sound effects in the background were completely uncalled for. And Tommy Lee Jones' Two-Face was both stupid and tried to hard to be funny. There's also the over acting (Jim Carrey) that will contribute to Val's downfall. The best that can be said about Kilmer's Batman movie is that it was the comic relief of the series. Comedy may be great, but it won't stand up to seriousness. Sorry, Val but you loose.

- George Clooney's Batman was childish and, let's face it, stupid. Not only did he have to bring in Batgirl and Robin just to trounce the opposition, but he couldn't even have a good story-line. I don't know what kind of idiot wrote the BATMAN & ROBIN piece of sh*t script, but Bain is probably one of Batman's smartest enemies. And just because he's so big and strong, they made him an idiot, and a flunky. Tisk, tisk, tisk. Clooney's movie can be called the downfall of the series, how could they ruin Batman like that. For these reasons, Clooney looses.

- Adam West is too old and senile to win. He wanted to be Alfred in the movies, and was upset when they didn't ask him. Anyone who wants to be the servant for Batman can't win against the Bat. The master is always greater than the servant. And let's not forget the other strikes West has against him: Really BAD acting ("Oh & no & Robin & don't & do & that!"), really BAD fighting (Kapow?), really BAD gimmicks (Bat-shark repellent?), and really BAD cheesy made-up information (the amazon pretzel lock of death?). Sorry, Adam, but you are just really REALLY BAD. You loose, 'cause you're pathetic.

- Michael Keaton, on the other hand, was a cool Batman. He was brooding and intimidating, dark and menacing, and he had "all those toys." And that leads me to another favorable component, Jack Nickalson as Joker, Batman's coolest and craziest villian. With old Jack as the insane clown, how can you go wrong.

There are three other factors that swing the outcome in Keaton's favor.

- Robin. All those three other goofs needed Robin to win. And when they weren't pulling his bacon out of the fire, they used him as a way to move the story along. Keaton did all of that by himself. This means he has the advantage over the other three, because he's used to single combat with many opponents.

- Pictures. Your pictures posted show the sad truth. All the other "Batmen" have a smirk on their face. This usually entails humor. Keaton's Batman doesn't. This means he's all business. The imposters won't know what hit them then he gets done knocking those smirks off their faces.

- The catchphrase. Who was it that coined the phrase "I'm Batman!" that inspired a generation, and intimidated villians world wide? That's right, it was Keaton. He can't lose, since he was the first to say it.

Keaton in a cake-walk.

- Q-man

OK, let's review the main points of those scintillating commentaries. Any of the following makes you a hardcase: 1. Being on an 80's sitcom. 2. Celibacy combined with Stooge familiarity. 3. Business acumen plus projecting chest ornaments. 4. Logging a lot of horizontal mambo time. So, according to this logic, if I want to assemble a real smackdown posse, all I have to do is get Tina Yothers, The Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, Madonna and Warren Beatty. Yeah, that's just spectacular. While half of The Panel drifts off in a chemical-induced fog, let's take a look at reality: A big win for Bat Classic(TM).

SCCF(TM) Power
As The Demented Astronomer first pointed out, Senior Citizen Crime Fighters have proven themselves invincible. As the only Batman present born in 1928, West's Batman is by definition a SCCF(TM).

The Conroy Connection
The Batman who is far and away the best is not in this match: The Kevin Conroy-voiced Animated Series version. What would motivate this UberDarkKnight to back Adam West? Well, watch carefully:

West appeared as himself (big surprise) on Cartoon Network's Johnny Bravo. The Scooby Doo Gang also appeared on Johnny Bravo. Dick Van Dyke and Don Knotts both appeared on The Scooby Movies. Both have appeared on Matlock, and so has Kevin Conroy. The SCCF (TM) community sticks together, so ConroyBatman will not only show, but might even bring along the Tim Daly-voiced Superman. Hey, if we could just find and recycle all the cans of Smite (TM) that has Supes has opened, we'd have enough aluminum to build a whole fleet of 747s for 19.95 plus shipping and handling. Adam West can dish out some pain by himself, but if he decides to pack a lunch and bring some help, the results could be just plain horrific.

Since Batman never killed during West's tenure, there will be no Batcorpses arriving at the Gotham Coroner's office tonight. Instead, the only question for West's 3 successor/predecessors is, "Where can I make more money working in a car wash- Metropolis or Central City?" It'll give them something to think about while they wait for the doctor to come in and remove those Batarangs from their Batbungholes.

- Mr. Silverback- Couldn't have done this without the able assistance of Rambette, who makes my heart go "Pow! Zap! Biff! Yippee!"

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