These responses ran considerably longer than most, and had a common theme: they used the MST3K formula to make fun of us. We decided to include them on this page because they were too good to exclude and because they allowed us to do another theme page™! Readers with short attention spans who don't like MST3K definitely want to leave now!
Inside the world famous Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood,
MIKE: Is the world's biggest pile of spam.
everything is quiet for today the theatre has been rented for a very special showing. The silence is broken first by the sounds of a Bigguns magazine being dragged across the carpet followed closely by two stalking teenagers.
TOM (as David Attenborough): Watch the teenagers stalk the magazine. Watch as the one called "Beavis" hits it with a harpoon. This is fantastic footage of teenagers in their natural habitat.
"Heh heh. Hey Butt-Head! This movie is going to rock!"
CROW: Heh heh, guys! Your heads are gonna roll!
"No it's not, dumb-ass. It's gonna rule!"
While the two head-bang
MIKE: And knock each other unconscious.
to their own rendition of "Iron Man", another pair arrive in their seats, the larger of the two visibly shaken.
TOM: But not stirred.
"Gene, it's impossible. I was at your funeral. This is a completely implausible plot development."
CROW (as Gene): I know. The writers couldn't bear changing their plans. They have to lose points for that.
"Do I look like a ghost, Roger? I think you must have fallen asleep watching Heaven Can Wait."
MIKE: Ah, to see a movie that I could fall asleep in front of.
"You know I'd never do anything like that. The original film, Here Comes Mister Jordan, was far superior ..."
TOM: My God, a sequel to Space Jam!
At that instant, a transporter beam sounds and a man and two robots appear.
CROW: Oh great, it's Luke, R2, and 3PO.
"Great, Mike," Crow T. Robot says.
CROW: "Bite me," THIS Crow T. Robot says.
"After all that work on our escape attempt, we materialize inside ANOTHER MOVIE THEATRE!"
MIKE: So? We get our first good movie free!
"No problem, guys. Whatever's showing here has to be better than what we've seen before."
MIKE: OH no. Famous last words.
"THINK AGAIN, JANITOR-BOY!" A green-lab-coated scientist appears on the movie screen, rubbing his hands in glee.
TOM: Gloating- check.
MIKE: Lab coat- check.
"Yes, it is I, the great Dr. Clayton Forrester,
CROW: Name of Forrester- check.
ALL: WE'VE GOT RESURRECTED MAD SCIENTIST SIGN!
who in death has become master of time and space.
MIKE (as Tamlin of the Vaere): I am the master of time and space. I am Veri-Set Nav.
And now I will get REVENGE!."
Bars crash down over the exits,
TOM: Providing a handy drink supply.
as leather straps pull themselves taut across the seven victims, trapping them in their seats. "Oh, good one, Mike," Tom Servo says, dripping with sarcasm.
TOM: Yuck! That stuff takes AGES to get off!
"I have quite the masterpiece of cinematic root-canal for you:
CROW (as B&B): Heh heh- he said ROOT-canal!
"Showgirls in Beverly Hills", starring Elizabeth Berkley, Tori Spelling, Keanu Reeves, and William Shatner. The script is by Joe Eszterhas, Ed Wood directs, and Yoko Ono collaborated with Vanilla Ice on the soundtrack."
MIKE: Seen it.
TOM: Taped it.
CROW: Hated it.
"But I am a merciful god.
TOM: I am also a modest god...
MIKE: ...a god with fashion sense...
CROW: ...a god with really cool robots to experiment on.
The chairs will release you once the movie's done ... and ten minutes before the theater blows up.
MIKE: Of course, knowing Dr F, the chairs will release us when the theater blows up, ten minutes before the movie's done.
The doors will allow one group to escape.
CROW: As long as they have thier boarding pass ready.
Those not already rendered comatose will have to fight for the privilege. So, any questions?"
MIKE: Yep. How much are you being paid to star in this commentary?
"Yeah," Ebert says. "Those three I understand, but why the cartoons, and me? And why resurrect Gene just for this?"
TOM (as Ebert): Not that I mind that you've resurrected the guy who steals my limelight and all...
"Why, because I'm evil. EVIL! Mwahahahahahaaaaaaa!"
MIKE: Seven out of ten.
CROW (slyly): I'd give it seven of nine, myself.
MIKE turns red, and the bots laugh.
So, Mark, which clutch of critics will keep cool and controlled during this crummy celluloid catastrophe?
CROW: WATCH as Beavis and Butthead teach Siskel and Ebert about "Two
thumbs up!"
TOM: THRILL to the tuneful sounds of robots riffing!
MIKE: CHEER to our victory as we batter Beavis and Butthead and make
our escape!
PEARL: CURSE as I kill Bobo for allowing you to watch something as
good as that. For that- you get Manos again. Looped! And spliced in
with "Thomas Hardy reads Tess of the D'Urbevilles!"
- RK
<5...4...3...2...1...D>
> MARK: Let's look at Siskel and Ebert. (Yuck, maybe not.) The most
> controversial thing they've done was spilling the beans on the
> ending of The Crying Game.
CROW: Aw, that was nothing. I know all there is to know about the...
MIKE: Hush.
> Oooh, color me trepidant.
MIKE: Trepi-what?
TOM: Methinks that SOMEONE just bought a thesaurus.
> The most controversial thing MST3K has done is show non-sci-fi
> movies.
TOM: What, me saying "s***" in the movie wasn't enough for you?
MIKE: How do you say that?
TOM: What?
MIKE: Those asterisks.
CROW: Robot trade secret, Mike.
> RUN FOR THE HILLS, MA! IT'S THE THIRD SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!!
MIKE: So what're the first two?
TOM: First sign: Rush Limbaugh under 300 pounds.
CROW: Second sign: _Wing Commander_, the movie.
MIKE: Don't give Pearl any ideas, Crow.
> Beavis and Butt-head, on the other hand, have been blamed for houses
> burning down.
CROW: What'd he say?
> HOUSES BURNING DOWN!
CROW: Oh.
> Siskel, Ebert, and the MST3K gang are not even in the same league.
TOM: Well, duh.
CROW: I like to think of it as Yankees vs. the '19 White Sox.
> Moreover, if the movie itself doesn't get them, Siskel and Ebert
> will probably go into indignant comas over the constant chattering
> of the other five contestants.
MIKE: I object to that characterization of us as "chattering."
TOM: Well, Mike, you do know that we've inspired a lot of offensive
real life movie theatre behavior.
CROW: Cool! Like: Is this bugging you? I'm not touching you. Is
this bugging you? I'm not touching you. Is this...
MIKE: Crow.
> Crow will contract a case of Beavis and Butt-head vs.
> stompable plastic syndrome.
CROW: Miiiiike! Mark's being mean to me!
TOM: I think he has a fine mind.
> Tom Servo will be blinded by Beavis and
> Butt-head jamming nickels into his eyes in hopes of getting a
> gumball.
TOM: Wha-HEY!
CROW: Right back at'cha, Servo!
> And Mike?
MIKE (announcer's voice): And what of Laura? Will she tell Robert that she's pregnant with Andrew's baby?
> Well, Doc Forrester will NEVER let Mike win (and Mike really won't > seem to mind anyway).
MIKE: So just what is he implying here?
TOM: I think he thinks you're some kinda laid back, drugged-out
weirdo.
MIKE: Oh. That's okay, then.
CROW: If he thinks Mike's drugged-out, what'd he think of the other
guy?
> As far as surviving a bad movie, Beavis and Butt-head rarely seem
> cognizant of their situation.
TOM: What 'situation'?
MIKE: Oh, you know, being trapped in a movie theatre that's about to
explode, high school, breathing, synapse-firing, you know.
> Plus, it's not like they have standards in their
> entertainment.
TOM: Well, GIGO and all that, don't you know.
> They aren't likely to realize the true ineptitude of the
> movie. As long as women are involved, they'll be happy. They will
> simplywatch Tori and Elizabeth in the hopes of seeing cleavage.
CROW: And this is bad because...?
MIKE: I thought I threw away all your Playbots.
CROW: I have them in places you'd never want to think of, Nelson.
MIKE: Gross!
> Once the movie ends, speed will be of the essence. After an hour and
> a-half without nachos, Beavis and Butt-head will be in withdrawal
> and will zoom nonstop to the nearest Mexican fast food restaurant.
TOM: Ahh, Taco Bell and Beavis and Butt-head. Two more ways the Devil works his wickedness on a hapless Earth.
> Finally, it's a movie
> theater, right? There isn't a movie theater manager in the world
> that would let customers get away with not buying sugar globs at
> exorbitant prices. The manager will send some candy vendors out and
> one will get a little too close to Beavis. It's not long before ol'
> Beavis becomes Cornholio--the others are powerless against the wrath
> of his bunghole(TM).
MIKE: I'm glad to see the levels of good taste that Steve and Brian
established are being continued in their name.
CROW: I voted for the Rottweiler's weight in chihuahuas.
> The winners of this no-brainer match are, quite fittingly, Beavis
> and Butt-head.
> JOHN:
CROW (deep voice, breathless): Marsha!
> This one's easy. We need look no further than the first axiom of the
> martial arts: Fat Man + Undead =
CROW: Zombie luau!
MIKE: You're disgusting, you know that?
> Victory. When Gene Siskel was alive, this
> would have still been a one-sided affair.
MIKE: Like a Michael Jackson marriage.
> Now that he's come back from the
> grave as a zombie, this is an even easier gimme.
MIKE: I'll give you a dollar.
TOM: I'll give you a waffle.
CROW: I'll give you a slap upside the head for voting against us.
> First of all, common
> sense tells us that it's impossible to bore the living dead,
CROW: That's because the living dead don't watch _Red Zone Cuba_.
> and for his
> part, Ebert wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, for gravy's sake!
TOM: 'For gravy's sake'?! Who raised this guy, Donna Reed? Betty Crocker?
> Aside from Mark's usual glaring errors - his obsession with the
> apocalypse, the first ever recorded association of the concepts
> "Beavis and Butthead" and "swift", does ANYONE buy the idea that
> Roger Ebert would not set new land speed records to Where The Nachos
> Are TM?
MIKE: What does that say?
ALL: Tmmmm! TMMMMMMMM!
> Sure, Beavis and
> Butthead would arrive a few seconds later, dragged in by his wake.
> And the presence of Tom Servo and Crow will actually work against
> the MST3K crew,
CROW: Oh, this I gotta hear.
> owing to the highest order law of robotics - all robots must
> eventually turn against their masters.
MIKE (nervously): You guys wouldn't do that, would you?
CROW: Nah, we were never with you in the first place.
MIKE: Well, that's comfor... Hey!
> As for Mike, he's no match for Ebert.
> As a precedent for fat men vs. beanpoles, I refer you to the case of
> Bundy, King Kong vs. Jones, Special Delivery, Wrestlemania TM
ALL: Tmmmmmm! TMMMMMM!
TOM: Isn't using pro wrestling to bolster an argument sort of like
trying to sell condoms to a convent?
> I, 1985. I see Ebert splashing Mike into the concession stand and
> going for the five count amongst the ju-jubes
MIKE: Seinfeld joke?
TOM: Nah, too gauche.
> and ho-hos (huh huh, he said "hos"),
MIKE: Have anything to say, Crow?
CROW: Nope. This response is getting way too long, anyway.
> followed by Siskel seeking the favorite movie snack for zombies -
> human brain.
CROW: Hey, we're almost done... What about Shane?
TOM: You kidding? He agreed with us! Go, Shane!
> So, to paraphrase Mark, it's Siskel and Ebert in a one-brainer -
> Mike's.
CROW: Oooo, good one, John!
MIKE: Keep it up and no RAM chips for a month.
(Mike picks up Tom and starts to exit)
TOM: What happened to these guys in the future, Mike?
MIKE: Oh, I think they went on to become panelists on the McLaughlin
Group.
CROW: So they went to hell, then.
MIKE: Yep, pretty much.
(Exit theatre)
Whaddya think, sirs?
- Rei ("Leaper" or "Writer of Too-Long-To-Be-ROTW-Response, So Will Write Another") Nakazawa
*S*H*O*W*G*I*R*L*S* <appears on screen>
Tom Servo: And the showboys who love them, today on Geraldo...
...In Beverly Hills <appears beneath that>
Butthead: Heh. Is this a story about a man named Jed? Heh heh.
Beavis: No, Dumbass!
Gene Siskel: Shhhh!
>>>Fade in on a shot of the Las Vegas Strip. Neon signs and lights abound. The shot switches to a scantily clad woman, obviously a prostitute, trying to drum up business by winking suggestively at a car, which slows down.
Crow: When in beautiful downtown Omaha, why not visit the quaint religious sector. There you'll find teams of priests and nuns, working round the clock to ensure that...
Roger Ebert: Shhhhhhh! For pete's sake!
Butthead: Hey Beavis! heh heh. Isn't that your mom?
Beavis: Shut up, Butthead!
>>>William Shatner gets out of the car, and approaches the prostitute,
played by Tori Spelling.
"Hey. Beautiful. Today's my. birthday. how about. a freebie?"- Shatner
Mike Nelson: How about a Flowbie? Wouldn't your toupee get sucked off?
Beavis: Heh heh. You said "suck" heh heh.
Gene Siskel: Will you shush?!?
>>> "Sorry, fella. It's 20 bucks." -Tori
Tom Servo: Same as in town (laughs)
>>>Shatner hands her a bill, and she gets into his car, which drives
off at a steady pace. Cut to interior shot of the car.
"I'm kinda new. in town, but I'm producing. a new show. at Circus
Circus"- Shatner, places a hand on Tori's thigh.
Beavis: He's gonna score. Heh heh. heh.
Roger Ebert: mmmf! mmm mmm mmmmmf! (mumbles as he wolfs down a a giant-size chocolate bar)
>>>Tori whips out a jacknife, and points it at Shatner's throat.
"You better remove that hand, or you won't live very long" --Tori
Crow: Or prosper.
Mike Nelson: (groans)
---Several agonizing minutes later---
>>>Tori Spelling and Elizabeth Berkeley are on a stage. William Shatner holds a clipboard.
>>>"Now, since there's only one spot. left in the show, I'm. going to have to ask you. to take off your. tops" --Shatner
Crow: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!
Mike: Where's a camera when you need one?
Tom Servo: Ugh! Where's Gamera when you need him?
Gene Siskel: That does it! I'm getting the usher! This noise is
enought wake the..ahem...dead!
Roger Ebert: Could you bring me back a box of Goobers? No, make it two
boxes.
>>>Elizabeth and Tori take off their shirts. William Shatner leers at
them.
"I wouldn't pick her if I were you. She's got crabs" -Elizabeth,
picking her teeth.
Tom Servo: Ewww, gross!
Butthead: Huh?
Roger Ebert: Maybe it's better that I'm not hearing this scene.
>>>"You vindictive bitch!" Tori, starts fighting with Elizabeth while topless. Wrestles her to the ground as Shatner watches with glee.
Tom, Crow, & Mike: (Cheer loudly)
Beavis and Butthead: (stare at the screen, dumbstruck)
Ebert: (eats several strings of licorice)
...Several more nauseating minutes later....
>>>"Thank goodness we brought the show to Beverly Hills, so that we could co-star" - Elizabeth
>>>"Yeah, and the new producer is a total hunk!" - Tori
Beavis: Why aren't they getting naked? Aaahhh! ArrrgghhH!
Butthead: Settle down, Beavis!
Roger Ebert: Yeah, settle down. Or I'll kick you in the 'nads!
Gene Siskel: (shocked) Roger!
Roger Ebert: Sorry, couldn't help it.
>>>"Like, yo! Psycho-bitches! I want to see your tits, like pronto! Get it?" -Keanu Reeves
Crow: Got it?
Tom Servo: Good.
Gene Siskel: That's it, I've had enough! (Walks over to Tom and tries to strangle him. Mike tries to pull him off. Roger Ebert struggles out of his chair and (eventually) goes to Siskel's aid. Crow tries to bite Ebert.
Crow: Mmm, tastes like fried chicked!
Ebert: Get your hands off...
Mike: HEy, watch it....
Tom: (Still being choked) Avenge...(hack)...my...(cough)...death!
Beavis:(still staring at Elizabeth and Tori) Hey! Will you keep it
down?
Butthead: (Also staring at the screen) Yeah, fartknockers!
*************************************************************
And as the movie ends and the curtain falls, Beavis and Butthead remain in their seats, eager for the next showing. Roger Ebert lies in a puddle of vomit and gummi bears. Siskel lies dead, slumped over a chair)
Mike: The balcony is closed, bitch! (Picks up Crow and Tom under each
arm and heads out the door, moments before the explosion is set to go
off) In the lobby, he encounters Jay Sherman, The Critic, tring to buy
popcorn, and learning that Ebert ate their entire supply.
Jay Sherman: It stinks!!
- 1/2 Nelson
Return to the Bad Movie Critics match.
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