WWWF Grudge Match - Robin Hood vs. Zorro

For those clamoring for more...
Robin Hood vs. Zorro Responses, Da Sequel™

Let's see here... a Spanard/Mexican vs an Englishman. How pathetic can this fight get? Good old Robin Hood wins this one in "a New York Minute" (tm).

Zorro's good with a sword, OK. I'll grant you that. And that's the only weapon you see him use. But, if you've ever seen a Robin Hood movie (or read a book on the legend), you know that Robin's good with just about ANY weapon. And those galleons loved having cannons aboard to shoot dolphins, if nothing else...

As Zorro and Robin face off, the Merry Band (who's been hiding in the buildings at the dockside) start firing arrows until the sky's filled with them. Robin, knowing this was what was going to happen, ducks in time while Zorro gets an ass full of arrows. Not that this would stop "the Fox"...

After the band uses up all the arrows, Robin has climbed up the ship's mast and swinging on a convienient rope, decends on the hapless Zorro like the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse. Black material flies like bullets as our boys fight, but lo and behold, Robin, again the master of any weapon he touches, finaly reveals our boy-- PROFESSOR ROBINSON (aka, Guy Williams)!

Major West (The 60's version) touches down in the Jupiter II and thinking that Robinson's gone off on one of his "little side trips" (that would make Cpatain Janeway envious) and into somehow is in some heavy duty dementia, hauls what remains of the professor and sedates him for the remaining portion of the trip. And, of course, you know Dr. Smith's gonna screw THAT up somehow, but that's for another episode...

Robin and his men take the ship back to merry England while Robin tries to figure out how to get in (sorry, under) Marian's dress while fighting the Sheriff of Rottingham (oops, Nottingham). About midway into the voyage, Mel Brooks comes out from nowhere and begins to film a movie...

- The Bear

Just as the two swordsmen cross their foils, another dark figure swings down from the rigging.

"Halt!" he cries, "I'm Geoffrey Thorpe of the Sea Hawks, and I claim this ship for Her Majesty the Queen of England!" The mustachioed privateer bears a remarkable resemblance to Robin of Locksley, and the two eye each other with amazement. Zorro rocks back on his heels and draws another rapier, just in case.

Suddenly, yet another swashbuckler appears on the scene, vaulting over a bulkhead with blade in hand. "Ho there! As Captain Blood I claim this ship for the Governor and for England!" Once again, the pirate seems strangly similar to the two dashing ruffians who are admiring each other's neatly trimmed beards.

"Hold," says brave Sir Robin, "If 'tis true that all of us, save yon masked knave, are set upon the capture of this ship for England, then let there be no violence between us." "For England!" shout the swashbuckling trio, thrusting their swords skywards in salute, one for all, and all for one.

Zorro smiles quietly, certain that his late-90s style choreography will allow him to easily defeat these mirror image muchachos with their silent-era stage swordplay. He straightens his cape casually as the three lower their swords and assume hollywood fencing poses.

Suddenly, another dark figure appears on the deck, the darkest so far. Dressed all in black and carrying a guitar case, he strides across the rough-hewn planks. With his face still in shadow he stops, and addresses Zorro. "A problem, amigo mio?"

Zorro laughs scornfully; and the three privateers fidget nervously. "State thy business, sir!" shouts Captain Thorpe. There is a long, uncomfortable silence. "Dastardly desperado..." mutters Robin. "No," answers Zorro, "El Mariachi."

In a single fluid movement, the stranger drops to one knee and slams the guitar case down, flipping the lid open. For a brief moment his face can be seen and he looks... familiar. But before anyone has time to react he is firing two handguns, gangsta-style!

The British fall flatter than cardboard cutouts, and El Mariachi twirls his guns expertly, ejecting the spent magazines. "Gracias." Zorro has already sheathed his swords, and the two vanish into the shadows, leaving a few loyal supporters to truck the loot home.

- Targ8ter

Mel Brooks is my hero, and I love his Robin Hood movie, but I picked Zorro. Why, you aks? Because from what little history I know on Robin Hood, he was eventually killed by his love, Maid Marian. Jeez, the guy can save the Kingdom from the King's greedy brother but he loses to his wife?

Hmmm, I guess love doesn't conquer all.

- Dark Queen

It would take 3 Musketeers to take on either one of these "Gay" swashbucklers.

Yay France.

- Hurricane Andrew

That can't be right. Did he just say the French should win? - Paul

Robin Hood will reign forever surpreme over the likes of prissy Zorro, if only because Robin Hood had a kick-ass Disney movie made after it.

(I mean, come on, the snake gets $hitfaced on ale at the shooting contest. In a Disney movie!)

- Death's Evangeline

And Disney is an asset too? Where's my medication? MOO! - Paul

Robin Hood has timelessness on his side. Seriously. Fictional characters live only as long as they are remembered. My five year old cousin, all the kids I babysit, even the irritating illiterate brats at my elementary school all knew and loved Robin Hood. None of them had ever heard of Zorro until "The mask of" came out. Even I had only the vaguest recollections of old reruns featuring a creepy guy in a mask. Also, since they are immortal until forgotten, Robby has the advantage of experience. The guy's been around since what, the thirteenth century? Maybe even earlier? Anyone who's lived that long has to have picked up something some snobby spaniard has missed. It also strikes me that Zorro is a stuckup poser. He minces around drawing those stupid Z's on stuff. Robin Hood doesn't mess around. He's an assassin in green. Well known fact: only the true of character triumph.

- Esmé

This is probably the fruitiest Grudge Match since Wrestlers vs. Boxers. Stay flamboyant, guys.

- Kujan - There is no Fruity Jihad - WAIT!!!! OOOOOOOOH! LOOK AT THOSE PRETTY CURTAIN PATTERNS!!!

I'm assuming we're talking Douglass Fairbanks Zorro and Errol Flynn Robin Hood here. By using the Bad Guys Who Were Defeated By Each Dude Rule (TM), we've got Robin Hood fighting Prince John and Guy of Guisborne. Taking this one step farther, we've got Basil Rathbone and Claude Rains. Let's repeat that. Basil Rathbone and Claude Rains. Serious bad-asses who've been in loads of other great movies. I mean, Claude Rains is the semi-bad guy in Casablanca. Plus they've got uber-British accents. And we all know that British bad guys are the worst bad guys. We've also got Zorro fighting Captain Juan Ramon. Captain. Not Prince-who's-actually-now-a-king-cos-he-stole-his-brother's-thro ne, but Captain. Second lowest officer rank in the army. Played by Robert McKim. Who? He was not in "Casablanca". Rather, he was in "Fuss and Feathers". And if he had talked in the movie he probably would have had a Spanish accent. Way, way wussier than British. Way.

Taking into account the actors themselves, Errol Flynn also played Captain Blood, William Tell, Geoffrey Thorpe (who was a Brit who kicked Spanish butt), Fletcher Christian, and loads of others. Douglass Fairbanks also played Dartagnan, Robin Hood (not the definitive one, however) and loads of others. Dartagnan is good, but not as good as Captain Blood. And then Flynn has three other kick butt characters who were good with a sword, Fairbanks has just one, who's the weaker version of Flynn's Robin Hood.

Plus, going from the feminine angle here, Flynn looks a hell of a lot better in tights than Fairbanks does.

- Caddie

Ok, well, first off, Zorro has a cape (tm). Robin Hood has, tights (tm)... However, Robin Hood has comedy! (tm) [Robin Hood Men In Tights], which then made tights (tm) cool, whereas the cape (tm) has ALWAYS been cool, since the beginning of time (tm).

My take: While Zorro is cutting a 'Z' in Robin's chest, Robin, well, stabs him.

- Patton

As Robin Hood and Zorro circle each other, a strange sound cuts through the tense silence

Plink, plonk, plink, plonk, plink, plonk, plink, dum-dum-dum

"NOOOOOOOO!"

Both combatants scream in horror as Elton John rises through the deck of the galleon on a revolving turntable, seated at a white piano. Both men turn and gasp as their trusty crews suddenly appear through portholes, swing in from ropes and pop out of cannons, link arms and start doing a synchronised CanCan dance routine.

"I think we did a few too many musicals, don't you?" says Robin

"Yep"

"I'm not going to sing"

"Me neither"

BLAM! BLAM!

Elton John holsters his magnum, while Eddie Izard and Graham Norton run on from the wings to drag away the headless bodies and take their places.

Result : Elton John wins in the first round. Video and associated soundtrack both get to number one, grossing $15 million. Galleon later rescued by Lithuanian Navy, where it becomes the National flagship.

- Ragnorak

If you can call Harry Potter's win of less than 100 votes, when there are over ten THOUSAND votes being cast, a "witch slap", then I can't trust you guys to do a good job with Zorro vs. Robin Hood.

Where's the "grudge-match.com mangled and killed" button?

- The Bunyip

Well first off, if we think about this logically for a moment, one person must logically win by default. Either Robin is a good six or seven centuries dead (Robin Hood is set near the turn of the last millineum) or Zorro isn't alive for about the same amount of time. Now, even assuming that the both of them lived in the same time, they most certainly would not meet like this. Robin, in most versions of the story, was returning from the crusades, as a soldier, and had little to no seafaring experience, while Zorro lived in an independant Mexico, and had absolutely no love, or hate for that matter, for the Spanish King. He also had little to no seafaring experience. Now, beyond that, the arguments against Robin are invalid. The man does know how to swordfight. He does so several times in the old stories, and I repeat, fought with a sword in the crusades. In addition to that, he is basically an english Ninja. He and his followers practiced the art of camoflauge, traps, and various other techniques Ninja are masters of. However, the entire grudg match is wittled away when both people find out they are working for the same cause, THE LIBERATION OF THE POOR AND OPPRESSED! That discovered, the two of them double team John, slash him to iddy bitty pieces, and head home to "Not exactly a Maid" Marian (Maid meaning an unmarried and usually virgin woman. Marian is NEITHER) and Zorro's Ho of the evening. Basically, people will get stabbed, but not in a fun way.

- Tim Dragone

California has the sixth largest economy in the world. If we were to secede from the U.S., the U.S. would then have, instead of the largest, the THIRD largest. We'd be a major wold power.

We'll just buy our way to victory, then take over the world. Hey, Bill Gates AND Walt Disney live here. Don't piss us off.

- Rainwoman

This one clearly goes to Robin Hood, and here's why:

The two swordsmen are duking it out, blades clanging and shooting sparks Highlander (TM) style. For a while, Zorro seems to have the edge, but he pauses to acknowledge the superior skill of his opponent.

"You're very good, you know," he tells Robin Hood.

"As are you," acknowledges Robin. "In fact, I think you may have the better of me."

"So why are you smiling?" asks Zorro.

"Because I," Robin Hood pauses dramatically as he switches sword hands, "am not left-handed."

That's right! Robin Hood was also played by Cary Elwes, none other than the Man in Black, aka the Dread Pirate Roberts, aka Westley the farm boy, the greatest swordsman in all the land!

Robin quickly has Zorro on the ropes. "I think you may have the better of me," Zorro acknowledges.

"So why are you smiling? You're not left-handed, either?"

"No, because I have a machine gun in this guitar case!"

Yes, it's Antonio Banderas as Zorro, packing his guitar case from Desperado! Robin Hood, having made the fatal error of bringing a knife to a gun fight, is quickly mown down in a hail of bullets, and Zorro walks away with gold.

- Bozo the Clone

Robin Hood? A sissy? Puh-hu-hu-lease! Let's take a gander at the manful men who've played Robin Hood:

Douglas Fairbanks (originator of ass-kickery), Cary Elwes (defeater of Rodents of Unusual Size), Daffy Duck (can sustain shotgun blast point-blank to the face), Frank Sinatra, on a vague technicality (Chairman of the Board), Errol Flynn (despoiler of women who can STILL drink any man under the table, and he's been dead for years) and my pal Sean, Sir Connery if you're nasty (king of all that rocks). Let's discount Costner, which is fair, because Rickman OWNED that movie. Mullet boy never had a chance.

Now, if you don't think Robin Hood can open ye olde whoop-ass, I suggest you see "Robin and Marian"'s final fight scene in which he kicks the crap out of Robert Shaw! There's only one other person or thing that can do that, and that's Jaws, for crying out loud! That's right - Robin Hood's tougher than Jaws. And Errol Flynn repeatedly messed up Basil Rathbone. That's right - he's faster than Sherlock Holmes.

Robin's in his element: stealing back stuff Prince John has stolen. And they're in a British dominion - home turf. Zorro will be confused and disoriented this far from California; after months on a creaky ship rounding the horn, without his comfy bed and spacious ranch house, he'll be a sitting duck. Come on, at this point in history, California was full of dirt-poor psuedo-power-mongers who, as the good citizens of Yreka, Calif. will attest, couldn't even spell. They were easy pickings.

Robin, he's from Nottingham, meaning he's a rock hard soccer hooligan with nothing better to do than get pissed on Bass ale and headbutt the nearest ethnic person. The only way Robin could lose is if there's an Arsenal fan in the way.

- Your sword, Gisborne!

Hmmm, two swashbucklers and neither one is on a quest to find the 6- fingered man. I guess this leaves but one way to decide this: Who would win if Daffy Duck portrayed both characters?

We've seen Daffy as Robin Hood and as The Scarlet Pumpernickel (yeah, it's not Zorro, but it's not a stretch to replace one lame masked swordsman with another).

As The Scarlet Pumpernickel, he managed to save the girl as well as almost impress studio head J.L. (until Daffy had to shoot himself)

As Robin Hood, Daffy tended to run into trees and lose his beek. Plus his main combat style consists of "Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Dodge! Parry! Spin! Thrust! [WHACK]"

- Muchsarcasm, "Yikes! And awaaaaaayyyy!!! [THWAK]"

Who is the greatest swordsman who ever lived? Everyone knows this would be Enigo Montoya. “Hey wait,” you say, “wasn’t he bested by the Dread Pirate Roberts?” This is true, but only because A) Roberts was driven by True Love ™ and B) Roberts was wearing a Black Mask (pat. pend.).

How is this relevant? Zorro is Spanish AND he wears a Black Mask!! It’s hard to undervalue the power of anonymity. Do you remember the consternation “the man in black” caused Enigo in their great dual? “Who are you?” he exclaimed, “I must know!!”

Zorro has learned from the great Montoya! He not only wears a Black Mask, he wears Nothing-But-Black. (It could very well be that Zorro IS Enigo Montoya!!) A Black Mask strikes fear into an opponent. Bat Man, The Lone Ranger, and Jim Carrey all can attest to this fact. The last I checked, Green Tights do nothing but get you whistled at in San Francisco.

As a last point, I hope that nobody tries to use the English Soccer Hooligans as precedent in this match. We all know that the English can only prevail when acting as part of An Angry MobŽ. Everyone knows that “Mano E Mano” is a Latin concept. Everyone also knows that Spaniards are high falutin’ Latinos. When’s the last time you heard of a great English boxer? Oh sure, lots of them box —but that just proves my point, THEY ALL SUCK. Now, great Latino boxers are nearly cliché. If you never thought you could get your ass kicked by a 125 lb man, go wander into a Latino boxing gym. They may not be good politicians, but in a one on one match-up they are, I dare say...Human Chihuahuas™!!!

Zorro: He’s got the pedigree, he’s got the Mask, and soon, he’ll have a goldy-locked Englishmen’s head on a stick.

- Ole Miss Law

Now, it was my understanding that Robin Hood robbed the rich to give to the poor. Yet, he starts this match by claiming the treasure for King Richard. Sadly, Robin Hood seems to be another champion of the help-the-poor-by-throwing-money-at-the-rich mumbo- jumbo. My guess is "Merry Men" is the olde tyme nickname for a conservative think-tank or a Sherwood Forestry Political Action Committee.

Clearly, while Ronald Reagan and Barry Goldwater are often given credit, Robin Hood is the Godfather of Trickle-Down Economics.

While King Richard is off making pro-multinational-lord trade agreements--based on deregulation and serf-labor practices--his subjects at home are suffering anon. To make matters worse, "Friar Tuck" Limbaugh and "Little John" Robertson will use their national town-crier campaigns to spread propaganda about the greatness of King Richard. That will only embolden the lords use their sword skills to slash jobs and salaries of Johnny Six-Goblets across the country.

We need Ralph, the Sheriff of Naderham, to be heard. Yes, yes; the very same Sheriff of Naderham who scribed such parchments as "Boiling Oil: Unsafe at any Degree" and "Collision Course: The Truth about Joust Safety." Unfortunately, the Sheriff's voice cannot be heard until they enact "Heredity Finance Reform" laws. His reality checks would serve well to end the treachery of pork-barrel monarchical policies.

Until sheriffs like Ralph can heard, we will keep going back to the same failing practices that have plagued commoners for many a fortnight.

If Robin Hood were truly trying to get money to the poor, he'd do better by flushing the loot down the King John!

- Mark Wentz

And now with the response from the Right...

First, we have Robin Hood, who "Steals from the rich to give to the poor." He sounds depressingly like your average tax-and-spend liberal. As a hard working guy who hates it when the government taxes my meager income to death, you can guess how I feel.

Second, we have Zorro, who stands to protect his fellow citizens from a tyrannical and repressive Big Government, all the while defending the right to "keep and bear swords". And note: Zorro's trying to give the money back to it's rightful owners!

Unless the Polital Correctness police show up to kill him for daring to give the taxpayers back their own stinkin' money, Zorro's got this one in the bag.

- The Phantom

And that concludes this edition of The WWWF McGrudgelin Group™ - Eds.

When you think of all those times Basil Rathbone must have wanted to show Errol Flynn how to fence properly instead of waving his stick around like a virgin on prom-night hitting everything but the target, it makes you think that there must have been something going on for Robin Hood & so the masked lothario that is Zorro has no chance.

- Saphron

On the outside, this might appear like any normal Grudge Match(tm). Zorro versus Robin Hood: ho hum. Nothing terribly surprising here. But if one digs deeper, one will uncover a darker, more sinister Grudge Match(tm) being fought behind the scenes. Allow me to explain.

The reign of Richard the Lionheart is separated by several centuries from the Spanish colonization of California. Furthermore, in Robin Hood's time they did not have the technology to sail from England to Barbados. It is therefore physically impossible for Robin Hood and Zorro to encounter each, UNLESS there is outside interference.

That's right, I'm talking about time travel. And to be more specific (and to borrow a tm phrase from "Enterprise") what we have is a temporal cold war. Someone, or something, is attempting to change the timeline by bringing Robin Hood forward in time, and providing him with the advanced technology to journey to Barbados and confront Zorro.

Who would go and do such a thing? Well, if this were the Antonio Banderas Zorro versus the Kevin Costner Robin Hood, I'd be speculating that it was the Borg, trying to sow chaos so they could conquer Earth. Or perhaps Skynet, attempting to impoverish the land of its enemy John Conner in order to cripple his future fighting ability. But this is the Errol Flynn Robin Hood versus the Tyrone Power Zorro, so we have to ignore the usual suspects and concentrate on the black and white contemporaries. Instantly, a suspect jumps to the top of the list: Ming the Merciless!

In order to crush Hollywood before it ever existed, and thus prevent the humiliating stories of his defeats at the hands of Flash Gordon from ever seeing cellulite, Ming has sent Robin Hood forward in time to seize California’s wealth, in order to permanently cripple it’s economy! Obviously, Flash will try to stop him. And since we all know that the Flash Gordon serials were produced, it’s equally obvious that Flash succeeded. Ergo Robin Hood didn’t get the treasure, ergo Zorro wins, with a temporal assist for Mr. Gordon.

- Michael Lyle

Robin will lose because those tights that he wears gives him a weggie!

- Tr utenor

Okay, think about this: Robin Hood is stupid enough to walk into a known trap (the ever-present "Archery Tournament(TM)") and STILL get caught. Why? Because he sucks at disguising himself. So how does Robin get out? Does he trick the guards with a clever ruse? Does he pick the lock on his cell and fight his way out? NO. His merry men have to intervene and haul his pansy-a** out of hot water.

Zorro on the other hand, is an expert at disguising himself -- no one ever sees through that little mask of his to realize that he's actually Don Diego. Zorro routinely makes fools of the Alcalde's entire troup of guards by himself. And on the extremely rare occasions that Zorro gets caught and needs someone to help him escape, who comes to his aid? Exactly! Another Zorro! See? He's entirely self-sufficient.

Not convinced Zorro is cooler? Let me ask you a question then: in the Disney animated version of Robin Hood, what animal is Robin? That's right, he's the FOX! Or in espanol, El Zorro!

Finally, the secret underground lair attached to Zorro's mansion, or FoxHole(TM) if you will, is clearly a primitive version of the BatCave(TM). This clinches the Zorro-Batman link. Robin hood wears green, shoots arrows. Green Arrow, anyone? Now would anyone in their right mind pick the Green Arrow over Batman? Nope. Zorro wins.

- SidekickSeven

In the movie "Shrek," however, RH (robin hood) is portrayed as being french. during the commentary paul alreaedy pointed out that spain is taking it from france.

Here's a point to ponder that has nothing to do with any movie whatsoever, just wanted to throw it in: in spanish, zorro means fox. Guess what englishmen hunt(ed) for sport?...

- Adam... err, make that Shasta...

Dr. No sits on his throne made of human bones, turning on his computer. He logs on to the internet, and checks the latest Grudge Match; it should be noted that the only thing keeping him from using his Big Bastard Beam on Earth and unleashing some Bad Shit is the Grudge Match. Which makes them saviors of humanity. But I digress...

"Hmm... what? Black and white? Minion! I told you to fix the computer! Now you die!" Dr. No jabs a big button stylized to look like a frowny face, and an aide in a black coat is flung out of the fortress, aimed toward the Olsen Twin's current location. "Oh... it's supposed to be this way... Meh. Minions are a dime a dozen, and maybe I'll actually kill them this time. Zorro v Robin Hood, eh? Let's see..."

Punching the names up on his computer, Dr. No sees the following:
Robin Hood: "Men in Tights", "Robbing Hood"
Zorro: "The Gay Blade", "The Poke of Zorro"

"*Sigh*, it seems that Robin Hood is doomed, as Zorro can be connected to the Simpsons; the feeble opposing Wizard of Id refrence can't hope to stand against that kind of Jihad (there is no Jihad) power... Still, I must make my stand for Robin Hood. I can't, in good concience, vote for the man who protected the culture that caused me the hell of Spanish I and II. Besides, just what in the hell does he think that mask is going to do, stop someone from recognizing his eyebrows?"

- Dr. No

Okay, I came from the worst high-school known to man-kind (this story has a point I promise). Our school sucked so much, that our sports teams were "The Archerists," with the prissiest Robin Hood ever as our mascot.

It really isn't something that would inspire the supposed fear of God towards the other teams like it was supposed to. Besides that, no one could pronounce it right, so we'd end up either being called something obscene or apolitical. This wouldn't be so bad, if we weren't expected to go wild because of it ever other week at our school-board-realized-we-needed-to-take-our-minds-of-our-hell-hole-of- a-school mandated pep rallies.

That plus Kevin Costner takes Robin Hood right out of the running.

However I cannot give my support to Zorro either. While Zorro has the evil that is Walt Disney on his side, I recall an amusing expierience, where 3 kids in my 4th grade class dressed as Zorro for Halloween, and promptly a brawl broke out for no apparent reason. We didn't even get candy. Damn 4th graders.

That plus Antonio Banderas means that Zorro doesn't deserve my support.

So, put me down for Vizzini, Inigo, and Fezzik to come over, loot the ship, throw Mr. Hood and Mr... Ro into some handy shark-infested waters and go off to kidnap Buttercup.

- Peanuts"Whaddup, Whaddup"Pat

Since incarnations of Robin Hood include Sean Connery in Robin and Marion and John Cleese in Time Bandits it's plain sailing for Robin.

Therefore Robin will combine the fighting skills and near Menthos Coolness ^TMof James Bond with the technical gadgetry of R. Zorro may be really classy at fencing but then he has never faced a sword with incorporated micro rocket launcher.

So Robin defeats Zorro with ease and gets the girl due to the Bond factor^TM .

- Valium

They’re evenly matched as swordsmen. They fight for a bit, and break apart to catch a breath, and to exchange taunts.

“You fight very well for a dog of an Englishman!”

“Rather! More than a match for any bloody Spaniard, I should think!”

“A moment, Senor. I want to show you something. A toy you might find helpful in your quest to help the poor.”

“I say, odd little whatsit, that. What d’yer call it?”

“A pistol, Senor.” <BANG!> <whump>

Remember, Zorro is about 500 years more technologically advanced than Robin. He may like flashy swordwork more than guns, but he’s not stupid.

- 6 of 24

I have to with Robin Hood since he actually defeated his arch- nemesis. Sure Zorro has single handedly rescued the Californian tailor guild with all the uniformse he carves Z's into, but at the end of the day the people still labor under the tyranny of el Commandante or whatever his name is. Robin Hood on the other hand actually wound up in charge of Nottingham under King Richard.

To make matters worse for the masked man Robin Hood has his whole band of Merry Men(tm) to help him out. Zorro might be able to handle hordes of incompetent soldiers or the occasional competent mercenar that comes along, but I suspect he'll have trouble with both at once, especially since many of the Merry Men are not just the equivalent of Red Shirted Ensigns(tm), but have their own stories and have operated succesfully independently of Robin Hood. However, since Robin Hood is merciful he'll probably treat Zorro to a nice feast, relieve him of his gold, his sword, and his mask and send him back to California thouroughly chastised.

- Dave

Gotta go with Zorro on this one, even if he does look like he's been getting off on Madonna's Erotica video a bit too much. In fact, it is Zorro's apparent infatuation with the Material Brit that decided this match for me. He bags her as Evita Peron, and then there's the aforementioned mask fetish they've got going on. Granted, Madonna ain't much to look at (and believe me, she's given us all plenty of opportunities to get a good look at her), but at least Zorro goes for women. (BTW, he definitely traded up by hitting it off with Catherine Zeta-Jones -- yum.)

OTOH, we have Robin Hood, who flits about Sherwood Forest in panty hose. Has a movie called Men in Tights. Hel-loooo, can we spell Tinkerbell? And don't even try that tired old excuse played by (yawn) Kevin Costner. He didn't even bother speaking with an English accent!!!! The only cool character in that movie was Alan Rickman as the villainous Sheriff of Nottingham. At least ye olde Sheriff had a twisted sense of humor -- especially when it comes to his wenches ("You -- 10:30! You -- 10:45! And bring a friend!).

Something else about the Sheriff with which Zorro shares in common -- they both wore black. Black as in Darth Vader black. Black = cool. Robin wears green leotards that make him look like an oversized, flaming Kermit the Frog. (And he talks like Kermie, too!)

Viva Zorro! Ay caramba!

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

I believe that neither will win. It will all start out as a battle to the death between Zorro and Robin Hood, but about halfway through, it will go awry. RH and Big Z will be going at it when, in true Hollywood style, Hood will drop his saber, and "the fox" will kick it out of reach, at which point, Robin will give Zorro one of those "You-can-kill-me-but-I-don't-care-because-I'm-dumb-as-an-ox" looks. While R and Z are glaring at one another (it would never occur to any one of the swashbucklers to actually END the bout) one of the many sailors aboard the ship will us the discarded weapon to slice apart his\her bonds and set about releasing the other captives. 30-some very angry and very aware sailors vs. 2 men in high heeledboots on an unfamiliar ship. You do the math. I'm betting that the ship will continue on its set course and arrive just a little behind shedule with two unexpected passengers.

- C.G.

Robin Hood is definitely the victor in this match. The key, as in any swordfight, is in the quality of the swords. While Zorro has a wimpy little fencing foil, Robin has a good ol' fashioned medieval broadsword. Zorro's sword will snap like a chicken bone as soon as the real fighting begins.

- Lshmael

TWO WORDS- CLOSE COMBAT

Quite simply, if these two men fight at any closer than 25 feet, Robin Hood's little wussy bow and arrow has no purpose.

TWO MORE WORDS- BLACK MASK

Zorro's black mask is much cooler than Robin Hood's gay hat with a feather in it... i mean seriously, he looks like the green teletubbie, Robbi-gothisasswhoopedby-zorro-i

THE LAST TWO WORDS- MALE TIGHTS

Other than Brian Boitano and the occasional curious teenager, Robin Hood and Peter Pan have to be the only two males to EVER wear tights. and guess what happened to Peter Pan, he's now a brand of peanut butter. Look for Hood's Raspberry Preserves in your supermarket in the coming months...

- Burnsy Michigan City, IN

Zorro is the Spanish colonial equivalent to Batman. He is rich and lives in a mansion in California. Robin is penniless, as the king has seized all his lands and holdings, and he lives in a tent at best. Who's getting more? (You know what I mean)

Also, any man who can sneak around in all black in the dark of night and not get hit by a horse carriage can easily avoid the paltry blows of a would be English bandit. Plus Zorro works solo and Robin has a bunch of Thugs at his beck and call. (Read doing his work for him)

Robin has a love interest. OK I’ll give you that, bully for Hood. This does not give him an advantage but rather a disadvantage. Love interest=monogamy. I think that is monogamy is wonderful; I'm a married man. But Heroes go soft and stupid when in a serious relationship. (Spidey, Superman, Flash (Barry Allen) perfect examples.) Even Batman (really pushing the Bats-Zorro thing here) the hard-a$$ of comics is guilty. What happens when he falls in Love with Ra's al Ghul's daughter Talia? He reveals his Identity to her and Nearly gets the JLA killed that's what.

With no specific woman in his life Zorro has no one to worry about living for, thereby allowing him the advantage of attack from the onset and avoiding stupid mistakes. It’s just him and his sword. Robin must be on the defensive from the start for fear of losing his life with Marian. The only way Robin has an advantage in this is if he uses a bow and not a sword. But with Zorro's stealth abilities that ain't happening!

Zorro hands down!

- John Smith (not an alias)

Judging by the pictures, we're far more likely to see a rendition of the entire score of HMS Pinafore than a swordfight.

And if that's the case, my money's on Robin.

- Plain Vanilla Lisa

Only Robin Hood was cool enough to be adapted as a musical for Frank Sinatra. So Robin Hood has the protection of the Mob.

Nest time Zorro jumps off a cliff to land on his horse before galloping heroically off, he finds just the horse's head and a violin player at the bottom.

SPLAT. Capice?

- The Nestbeschmutzer

The fight is to take control of a BOAT.

The best person for this kind of job is a PIRATE.

Zorro is a dead ringer for the DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS.

The Dread Pirate Roberts is the third greatest pirate ever... right behind BLACKBEARD and WILLIE STARGELL.

The closest Robin Hood can get to a pirate is YELLOWBEARD (via an obscure Monty Python sketch from one of the German Flying Circus episodes where Graham Chapman played a Robin Hood with piss-poor aim).

Yellowbeard versus The Dread Pirate Roberts? Like there's any doubt!

Winner: ZORRO

- Fish

Well, remember that Robin Hood lived some 500 years before Zorro. This means either:

A) Zorro has mastered the art of time travel, meaning he is currently naked and armed with an ancient weapon (shades of Terminator vs. Headless Horseman), and Robin thinks he is mad, talking about this mysterious "California".

or:

B) Robin Hood is 500 years old, which must make him a Jedi Master, and his blade is a lightsabre. I guess nobody's told him that King Richard is dead.

Either way, Robin will win, as in the "A" situation, Zorro will be confused, disoriented, and unable to handle these old weapons (back when swords were SWORDS!); or in the "B" situation, Robi Hood-Kenobi will use the powers of the Force to punish the Spanish pansy.

P.S. And if worst comes to worst, remember this: Robin has the weapon of bad Bryan Adams music, which no human being can withstand.

- Oxymoron "Brave Sir Robin Won't Run From THIS Fight."

"Ty Powers [Zorro] could fence Errol Flynn [Robin Hood] into a cocked hat" -- Basil Rathbone, aka Captain Pasquale in The Mark of Zorro and Sir Guy of Gisbourne in The Adventures of Robin Hood.

"Ho!" "Ha!" Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! "Ha!" Thrust!

The battle between Robin Hood and Zorro was fast and furious. Blades flashing and feet flying, the two men fought as never before. Robin's blade sliced through the edge of Zorro's cape. A thrust of Zorro's rapier knocked off Robin's feathered cap. But still they fought on. Sensing that his opponent was tiring, Zorro's blade became a singing net of steel, forcing Robin to back up step by step. But just as Robin was about to trod on his hat, a resounding laugh sounded across the deck of the Fortuna Loca, causing the duelists to stop in their tracks.

A tall, dour looking man stood on the poop deck, wearing a plaid deerstalker cap and a caped greatcoat and holding a pipe. "Ay, Dios! Captain Pasquale, you villain!" cried Zorro. "Zounds! It's that devil Sir Guy of Gisbourne!" exclaimed Robin.

"On the contrary, my name is Holmes," explained the detective, pulling a revolver from his pocket to cover the two swashbucklers. "My powers of deduction led me to believe that this treasure was in danger of being stolen. After following the strange disappearances of peasants near Sherwood Forest, I determined that you, Sir Robert of Locksley, were putting together a group of 'merry men' intent on confiscating this treasure for your own ends."

"This treasure must go to free King Richard!" cried Robin, starting forward. "Careful, my friend," cautioned Zorro, stopping him, "He holds in his hand a pistol of some sort." At Robin's confused look, he explained, "It's like a tiny bow and arrow, only far more deadly."

"And you, Señor Zorro," continued Holmes. "I deduced that you would also be on board from the smoke signals I detected. The smoke was a color that only the redwoods of California produce. d your hacienda has a fine stand of redwoods on it, does it not, Don Diego de la Vega?"

"How do you know my name?" gasped Zorro. "No one knows my identity!"

"Unfortunately, I do not have time to explain it to you," sighed Sherlock, cocking his pistol and levelling it at Zorro's heart. "It's a pity, because it really is quite el--"

Bang! The crack of a gun sounded loudly in the night air. Robin and Zorro stared in amazement as Holmes' body pitched forward onto the deck.

"Elementary?" cried a shrill voice. "Were you going to say 'it was quite elementary, my dear Watson?'" A short, roundish man stood there, staring at Holmes' corpse and twitching nervously. "Condescending so and so!" He suddenly seemed to realized the presence of the two swordsmen. "Ah, hello there. I have to be going now." Watson turned and scuttled off the ship, leaving the heroes to split the treasure and live happily ever after.

- Angie L.

Ok. First George Hamilton is one of the Coolest, and Tannest, man in HISTORY. His Zorro the Gay Blade was much funnier then Robin Hood: Men in Tights, even if the later was by Mel Brooks. Proving that even Mel Brooks can't make Robin Hood funny... because he's a dork.

Second, if Black Adder/ Mr Bean can beat up on Robin Hood, in Black Adder's Back and Forth, anyone can. I mean Black Adder NEVER wins, but he was able to steal Maid Marion. So there goes that agruement.

Zorro Wins. and the English poof goes back to the forest to drink his horrid british ale.

- Drew

There is one sizable factor that has been left out here: specialization.

Robin-a-bobbin is a generalist, skilled in a variety of weapons-- and what he's noted for is the bow. At various times he uses a variety of weapons, and I can think of at least three that he uses significantly: the bow, the sword, and the quarter staff.

Zorro, on the other hand, wields one weapon to the exception of most, if not all, others: the sword. Always. His signature is made with a sword slash, for goodness sake.

There's also the matter of sword style. If he's doing this for King Richard, Robin's using a heavy, clunky, poorly balanced English broadsword (or a longsword, at best). Either one is essentially a heavy club with an edge (which is lost by the end of a typical battle, in the broadsword's case). The picture of him for the match bears this out.

Zorro wields a light, quick, well-balanced rapier, a weapon with which he can easily outmaneuver the heavier blade.

So, we've got Robin, the generalist who vaguely specializes in the bow, fighting with a clumsy sword against Zorro, who specializes in the rapier and is fighting with, well, a rapier.

Zorro in twenty seconds, and that's only because this is a movie sword fight.

- Gyre

Have you ever been to a "baile latino" (Latino dance)? Latin ballroom dance is not a sissy sport. It takes a lot of strength and endurance, as well as a good sense of timing, rythm, and finesse, to do it well. These qualities, when transferred to swordplay clearly gives Zorro an advantage, as he demonstrated that he can dance as well as fight. Robin 'o th' Hood, on the other hand, did have a good soundtrack to fence to (written by Erich Korngold, one of the mentors, I believe, of John Williams).

- JLL

Poor Robin Hood. He doesn't have a chance. If this match were taking place in 1964, he'd probably win, but it's three decades and several takes on the legend later. The poor guy has suffered countless remakes of his story, he's been demoralized. Tell me, how would you feel if Disney made an animated musical out of YOUR life? How would YOU feel knowing there was a cartoon dog playing you, singing and dancing during the musical numbers? Or even better, how would you like seeing YOUR name up on the marquee in lights, except it says "Donald H. Stein: Men in Tights"?

How would YOU feel, knowing that your opponent was played by Antonio Banderas, while you were played by Kevin Costner?

At this point in time, Zorro has the Mentos-level coolness, especially compared with Robin Hood, who can barely muster himself up to the level of Tic-Tacs. And I'm not talking about the orange ones either, I mean the nasty cinnamon ones. All Zorro has to do is go "*cough*MelBrooks*cough*" and Robin will drop his sword and fall to his knees weeping, reading to have his brains spread across the floor and marked with a "Z."

- Infraggable Krunk

Those of you have seen Shrek, you have proof Robin Hood isn't gay.

He sung the song with the merry men that went like this:

"Well I prefer a saucy maid"
"What he's basically saying is he likes to get..."
"Head!"

So therefore he is not gay because he tries to take Princess Fiona away and rape her.

Later in the movie he sings the YMCA song, and the merry men are dancing in a gay way. Notice that Robin Hood isn't. He is just dancing along, like a normal staright guy.

The gay one is Zorro- my point is he tried to save the Californians, but he never said anything about the hot girls there. Even the Beach Boys, who are 100% full-fledged gay, notcied that Calirfonia girls are hot as hell. But Zorro didn't.

Thank you.

- Chris Drew, 13 year old PUNK

A few years ago, it came up in a news article that Mexico's elite police force known as ZORRO was caught torturing its victims. As far a I know no britian police force named after Robin Hood has come anywhere near this. Thus I am forced to to conclude that ZORROW would be the winner here.

- Puck1

I'd like to give this one to Zorro. Really, I would. His movie was the inspiration for "Batman" both within and without the storyline (that's right, the Waynes had seen "The Mark of Zorro" before heading down the dark alley) as well as a particularly enjoyable Duracell commercial. In contrast, every time I think of Robin Hood I have to spend five minutes driving the theme song by Bryan "Canada Apologizes" Adams out of my skull.

However, my personal bias cannot change the fact that Robin Hood's weapon has a far longer range. If the scourge of Nottingham can reach a high position such as a crow's nest, he can pick off anything on the deck that moves. What's the Gay Blade going to do with his sword, try to chop down the mast? And what kind of idiot brings a sword to a bowfight, anyway? Taunting with "Have you seen this one?" and other _pointed_ remarks, Robin Hood will turn Zorro into a pin-cushion.

- Matt Bricker

Let's look at it this way:

Robin Hood is English, and when you get down to it, British.

Zorro is Spanish.

Zorro's love interest was played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is Welsh, and when you get down to it, British.

Therefore, there is a precedent of Zorro falling to the British.

Zorro will be defeated at the hands of Robin Hood.

- Balthazar the Blue

My vote's for whoever thought of doing this match without Kevin Costner or Antonio Banderas appearing.

- Kilgore Trout

Got to go with Zorro on this one. It's one thing to be able to use a sword to run your enemies through, it's another to use it to only cut clothing and not draw blood. Zorro will give Robin a lesson before pushing him into the sea.

- MLG

I will open with one nit-picking rank, Zorro is NOT the greatest swordsman who ever lived that would either be: D'Artagnan or Miyamoto Mushashi, probably the latter, he got the Baddest Battleship of All Time (TM) named after him.

In the scenario as laid out here it looks like it will come down to a straight swordfight, Zorro would probably win that, but for the MISCELLANEOUS OTHER FACTORS (TM), herinafter reffered to as MOF.

MOF 1: Errol Flynn spent most of his carear playing people who beat the crud out of the Dons, he did it as Captain Blood, he did it as The Seahawk. This experience will count.

MOF 2: What the hell back up has Zorro got? A huge priest with a fat gut, that's what, Robin has a Huge Priest With A Fat Gut Who Kicks Arse (TM). Robin also has, or has had depending on version - a Token Black Guy (TM) with an Unhistorical Ability To Make Gunpowder (TM), various blokes who can play the lute (Will Scarlet, Alan a Dale), hordes of forelock tugging peasents, a real huge bloke (Little John).

MOF 2A: Errol has Bugs Bunny as well, trump that you poodle manicuring nonce.

MOF 3: Cool people who have played Zorro but not Hood: Tyrone Power. Cool people who have played Hood but not Zorro: Sean Connery. Which would your first choice be?

MOF 3a: Cool people who have played Hood's Enemies but not Zorro's: Alan Rickman; I cannot think of anybody cool who's been Zorro's enemy but not Hood's.

MOF 4: Hood always has a plan, he would not take on Zorro unless he thinks he can win, or unless his entire band has longbows trained on him, or unless he plans to lose, be captured and escape. Even if he loses then Zorro will end up joining his band just like Little John did.

MOF 5: Catherine Zeta Jones is not nearly as hot as Olivia de Havilland.

MOF 6: Robin Hood has been subject to a Mel Brooks paraody (that it sucked more than Monica Lewinsky is irelevent).

MOF 7,8,9,10 and all the rest:

Robin Hood is the orignal and best of Aristocrats who take up arms on behalf of the opressed, Zorro is just a feeble rip off who will spend the next 20 years in therapy after having his feeble Californian derrier wupped.

However despite deserving to win Hood will lose because: Most Web Users are Yanks, and there has been a more recent Zorro film than a Hood one.

I despair.

- Wilphe

First, I just want to warn both Paul & Joe not to mouth off about the true love interests of either Robin Hood or Zorro, lest you run into a squadron of merry men and/or gay blades. True Story: I worked with a New Yorker (Vincent) once, and he said that when he and a friend were walking in Times Square once, they spotted some transvestites. Vinnie's friend said, "Hey, look at the queens" a little too loudly, forgetting, as Vinnie put it, that guys in women's clothes are still guys. Who can hit. Hard. Vinnie and his friend couldn't even defend themselves; they were too busy laughing too at the fact that they were getting their butts kicked by said "queens". So I'd be very cautious when leaving the security of the Grudge Match building if I were you guys.

- Estrella - I voted for Robin Hood, because somebody has to pay for that awful Queen of Swords show.

I'd like to see Robin Hood just TRY and undress a woman with a bow and arrow. Go Zorro.

- My name is Kenny

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Robin Hood vs. Zorro Responses, Da Sequel™