I pity the fool who mess with Santa!
(Thanks to Chris 'Jedi' Knight (again) for providing us with more footage).
NORTH POLE CRISIS, DAY #3
The elves refuse to leave the workshop. Tenuous negotiations
break down and a sit-down strike begins at 12:01am. Santa arranges
for strikebreakers. "Pinkertons" arrive: a motley crew of dwarves
(any fan of Dungeons & Dragons knows that dwarfs are rivals of
elves). The tear gas and rubber bullets fly. Several Teamsters get
bloodied, an elf busts some ribs and Prancer breaks an antler, but
otherwise the strikers remain in control of the workshop.
NORTH POLE CRISIS, DAY #6
Herby, the only dentist at the North Pole, becomes the solitary
elf to cross the picket line, to the screams of "scab!" Two days
later he's found wearing cement overshoes off a New Jersey pier.
NORTH POLE CRISIS, DAY #12
A power struggle erupts within the ranks of the strikers. Words
are exchanged between Jimmy Hoffa Jr. and the green-clad Head Elf.
The Head Elf is last seen in a car leaving a pasta restaurant,
accompanied by two men named Vincent and Jules. He is never seen
again, although an anonymous informant will late claim that the Head
Elf was killed, put in a junked car and melted down, and is now
millions of George Foreman grills being delivered this holiday season.
NORTH POLE CRISIS, DAY #15
Santa Claus unloads his secret weapon to end the siege: using his
"naughty or nice" powers, he to reveal the Teamsters' ties to
organized crime. Later that day Santa narrowly escapes death when a
sleigh-bomb explodes.
NORTH POLE CRISIS, DAY #19
President Clinton signs an executive order demanding that Santa
Claus take back the elves and reindeer. Santa retaliates by putting
Clinton down for a lump of coal instead of the novelty cigar humidor
he asked for. With no end in sight, Jon Lovitz is asked by the
president to return as Hannukah Harry.
NORTH POLE CRISIS, DAY #26
The crisis comes to an end, as a crafty Santa uses a loophole in
NAFTA to shut out the elves, reindeer and Teamsters forever by
relocating to Mexico and using desperate Oompa-Loompas (unemployed
since Willy Wonka went high-tech) as cheap labor.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight has been an extra good boy this year and wants Santa to put a Gold Grudgie in his stocking
"I knew watching Seinfeld would give me a good idea or two," 'Santa' said to the elf foreman, removing his red jacket for a purple one. "Except, instead of poison, I used snozzberries on the glue." The 'elf' smiled a screaming orange grin, and picked his green pompadour.
Who would have known that snozzberries would have mesmerizing powers? Who would have known that Willy Wonka moved his operations up north (via the Great Glass Elevator), and made the Oompa-Loompas wear green and red? Who would have guessed that the "reindeer" are actually hyponitised teamsters, dropping off presents the way they normally pick up graft?
So if you get a little SASE letter in the mail with only the words, " we are the musicmakers, and we are the dreamer of dreams, bitch," don't lick that envelope else you'll get enlisted in the army of the Wonka.
p.s. partial present list Charlie--more beds for his swinging grandparents Violet Beauregard--iMac (guess the color) Veruca Salt--Cd single of Seether Augustus Gloop--the Nestquik bunny's sweet carcass Jo
- Wubbie
- Duc de Nevers (Lick my boot properly, you wretch!)
- Jeff the Real Canadian man.
But I digress.
Unlike many of the correspondents likely vent their uninformed opinions, not only have I actually worked with union members, I've also worked with politicians (aka mental midgets, close relatives of elves) and I live amongst the reindeer (aka caribou).
The reindeer present no threat. Reindeer, as those of us who have not been brainwashed by Disney animatronic fakes well know, are incredibly stupid animals. They are so incredibly stupid that the standard tactic for hunting when faced with a herd of them is to drive into the middle and start blowing them away. They will conveniently stand still so that if you miss, or want another one, you can try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Until you either run out of bullets or get bored. S. Claus, CEO, has but to hire a few "public relations experts" and the reindeer will be decorating the inside of meat cartons. It's likely the teamsters are into fraud and taking advantage of the poor dumb beasts in trying to make their positions more solid than it actually is.
Elves. Pah. Pathetic little whiners. They're looking for an easy buck so often someone has just to plant the rumor that they're casting for a new Mini-Me for the next Austin Powers film and those greedy little trolls will be on the next flight south looking to become famous.
Now the Teamsters. Ooo, I'm so scared. Let them set up their picket lines, because once they do they've fallen into the clever trap laid by Claus. If this is a standard Teamster picket line, two things are true:
1. when it gets dark, most of the people on the line just want to get home to watch football and drink beer, leaving the new guys to sit out the night, and
2. the ones left behind will stand around burning barrels to stay warm.
Pansies from the south will probably not be aware of the critical flaw in this plan. Night at the North Pole is 6 freaking months long and Christmas is right in the middle of it. And those few guys on the line, wondering where the hell their buddies are, will soon discover that in the Arctic in winter there isn't anything to burn. Two days and freelance truckers are hauling cargo past a few Teamsickles sticking out of the snow.
Their picket line broken, the reindeer now in the form of hamburger, steaks and sausages and the elves whoring themselves on Hollywood and Vine (or in Congress) desperate for some eating money, the Teamsters are forced into a humiliating retreat while Claus technology spreads greater amounts of joy through the miracle of electronics and mass production.
- Keith of the North
He has already won.
Let's go through the vast Canadian history of bad-asses, shall we?
It was (and still is) a Canadian that holds the record for the most kills by a war-time sniper: over 150 RECORDED kills (meaning there were WAY more).
Most of the best professional wrestlers are Canadian! You've got Bret Hart, Chris Benoit, Edge & Christian, and of course, Chris Jericho! Then everyone says wrestling's not real, but that's another story...
Everyone knows the story of how Houdini died when he challenged a guy to punch him in the stomach, right? Who knew that the guy was a university student from Montreal?
Back in the days of Muhammed Ali and George Foreman, there was another boxing hard-ass in the game: George Chuvalo. He may not have been a famous champion or anything, but he still has the claim to fame that no one has ever knocked him down or out!
Then we get into the hockey players, but there's simply not enough room for that...
So we may act kind and outgoing, happy & pleasant, but don't be fazed by these stereotypes. Canada churns out more hardened son-of-bitches than anyone else in the world!
So yeah, Santa wins.
- James
Elves: They were "Downsized." This leads to hatred for two reasons, A--They lost their jobs, and B--The word downsized was used to describe them.
At this level, they are akin to Japan in World War II, Greedy and Pissed.
Santa: Not fearful of being tortured/maimed/turned into Rudy Guiliani. No, he is terrified of losing his own job. As everyone knows, Santa's job is to deliver toys to all the good little children around the world; it should be noted that this only takes place once a year. Now, the other 364 days of fringe benefits are what he will be protecting. Most people would consider those fringe benefits as work, but to the self proclaimed King of the Pedofile's, how could having children bouncing up and down in his lap all day be considered work.
Therefore Santa is analogous to the US in the said war, expect that Santa will bomb their ass before they get within 100 miles of his workshop.
- Lord_Odin, who spent the last 36 hours straight playing sc3k, and is only up to 1.3 mil.
The Elves most likely would try and negociate a deal with the teamsters in a effort to form a Anti Santa Coalition. But the reindeer would probably believe that the elves were getting to good of a deal and retaliate by stomping the teamsters and the elves into dust.
THis leaves the battle of all battles....Jimmy "Now you see me, now you don't" Hoffa VS Santa "1 day only" Clause. Hoffa has Jack Nicholson Portraying him which gives him the edge, but Santa gets so much accomplished in one day that he is not going to take crap from ol Jack. He will put on his boots and shove them so far up Jack's "Christmas Stocking" that the water on his knee will quench Jack's thirst. Plus he has all the toys you just know he has a Uzi in their or something for when he delievers to Detroit or Beruit.
- THE FALCON
- GunGrrL
Plus he has a great hat. For some reason, I like to vote for people with hats.
- Boba Foot
- Bri Rob the Caveman
- A Vermonter
Now, I know what you're saying... "I hate Steven Segal!" However, competence is not based on respect. Sure, the less mature of our society respect Steven Segal for his fighting abilities, much like the young folk respect, and believe in Santa Claus. The more mature of our society know that Steven Segal is a no-talent bum with terrible catch-phrases. This reflects Santa once again, since you complained about how "Ho Ho Ho" and "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night" were lame sayings yourself. SANTA=SEGAL!
So, now that we have an idea of how Santa stacks up as far as personality and ability, let's delve further into the situation. STEVEN SEGAL, NO MATTER HOW ANNOYING, IS ALWAYS VICTORIOUS! There's no denying that. Also, he's taken on large groups of disgruntled mercenaries, and he's always kicked their tails. I predict hooves and little pointy shoes scattered across Quebec, and given the incompetence of Quebec politicians, the mess will probably remain for approixmately a month.
If it wasn't for the fact that Santa has a beer belly, and a ridiculous beard, I'd swear he was Steven Segal himself. However, the beer belly identifies him as a Canadian native. He's fighting on his home turf. Also, if you've seen DOGMA, you know God is Canadian (Alanis Morrisette), so the odds are more than stacked in his favour.
Santa in 1 hour and 45 minutes.
- SilentSam
Once the cute lil' elves get Santa riled, it will only be a matter of seconds before the Dark One breaks free of his rotund shackles and brings down the full wrath of Hell upon the unfortunate protesters.
Sadly, though, the North Pole will cease to exist, as all the ice will melt away as a testament to Santa's fiery wrath.
Marshmallows, anyone?
- Mary :)
AKA The Chick With The Calculator-Watch, Apprentice Jedi
- BF, son of RF
- Squidboy of the Windy City
The reindeer, well, I hate to burst anyone's bubble but they are dumb animals. Speedy, yes. Even somewhat Mighty. But they have been trained and conditioned through the harshest Pavlovian methods to OBEY their red-suited master, and when push comes to shove, they will.
Which leaves the elves. First let me dismiss with extreme prejudice the inevitable argument that these are somehow Tolkien-style warrior elves or something. These are greeting-card elves. These are Keebleresque elves. Cute is their stock-in-trade. And lets not forget that Claus, or more threateningly, "Klaus," is an elf himself, according to the Night Before Christmas, and a jolly old one to boot. He didn't rise to the top of the elf chain of command by accident. He is the Alpha Elf. The Michael Jordan of elves. He will win, by his very nature.
- thud
- kurt
- Michael Moon
- The Mystic Mongoose, aka Robert W. Armstrong
Don't mess with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Those horns can hurt.
- O.P.
- Chosto (http://www.chosto.cjb.net)
Do you know how many malls there are in this country alone?
Do you think even Elves and Reindeer - even Teamsters, I might add - can stand up to that many nasty, disgruntled, mean scab-Santas?
How many of your readers even know what a "scab" is, in reference to stikes?
Even the Tick almost got beat by all those Santa clones - what chance do mere short guys, union guys and furry mammals have?
- The bunyip
Example #1: "The Santa Claus(e)"tm. An everyday business man is recruited by the santa clause to take over the duties of delivering toys around the world.
Example #2: "Ernest saves Christmas" tm. An inept moron comes to the rescue to help the old Santa Claus save christmas and convince the next in line for the roll of Santa
Example #3: "Santa for a day" A father with a questionable background proves that even the not so pure can be Santa. therefore you have at least half the world to come to Santa's aid
Example #4: (from the files of S.N.L.tm.) "How Hanukka Harry saves Christmas" . Even those members outside the christian faith are ready to lend a hand to help Santa Claus in his time of need.
Example #5: "Scrooged". with the move that killed the 80 year old woman. Santa proved more thatn capable with fending off any attacks with his ample stash of weaponry and aid coming in the form of Steve Austin (6 million dollar man (tm.)).
With all this support , how do the teamsters expect to overcome such odds.
Santa and loyal company will only be put back a couple of hours and after christmas is over they will all dine on reindeer pot pie and a side order of buff"elf"o wings
Hail to Lord Claus(e)
- Loyal Claus follower: Ian Martin
so as far as fighting elves, reindeer, and teamsters, remember the catch phrase. . ."NOTHING MOVES THE BLOB (tm)!"
A bunch of scrawny elves, reindeer, and teamsters are no match for a towering hulk of immovable blubber, and let's not forget that Santa Claus (aka THE BLOB (TM) as soundly and completely proven above) could bring in his friends MAGNETO (TM) and THE JUGGERNAUT (TM) and waste them even more
- Hamletto, the real JUGGERNAUT (tm)
1. Drugs: As jolly as Santa is, he must undoubtedly be smoking the "opiate of the masses."
2. Dialectical Christmas Materialism: the inevitable force of history (trademark, Hegel) pushes ever onward to the dictatorship of the elven proletariat.
3. Lack of Mafia connections: Jimmy Hoffa's son runs the Teamsters now. Nuff said.
Ergo: Santa's drugged butt will be at the bottom of the Hudson with a pair of cement shoes as the world enters the elven Workers Paradise.
- LT Dan
- Jedi0 Bob
UN Security Council "Thank you Mr. Claus. The chair now recognizes the honorable ambassador from elfdom." The elf slowly walks up to the podium. He eyes the crowd, and takes his shoe off." "WE WILL BURY YOU." He thwacks his shoe on the podium. "WE WILL BURY YOU.WE WILL BUILD UPON YOUR CITIES. AND YOU WILL SELL US THE SHOVEL." "For breaking decorum and threatning destruction, you will be fined 2 dollars." The elf walks over to Mr. Claus, and shows how he has bought some Soviet ICBM silo's in Siberia. (It cost them 5 dollars per silo and promise to include in the worldwide proletariot revolution to come.) "Perhaps I was a bit hasty."
- The One Who Knows Too Much
As for HotBranch being a threat: Quebec = French. And we know what being French means on Ground Zero.
- Topcat
- Ex-Batman
"...when the boss busted in, nearly scared them half t'death. Had a rifle in his hand, n'cheap wiskey on his breath. From beard to his boots, he was covered with ammo. Like a big fat drunk disgruntled, Uletide Rambo. And smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye, 'Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gunna die!'"
Take it from Weird Al,you don't want to mess with Santa...
- The Animator
- Mattkind
Santa ends up in little tiny pieces.
The elves and reindeer take over.
- Jennifer
Now-- is ANYone going to aregue with Kevin Smith (aka, the Mighty Jedi, Silent Bob) himself!?!
^_^ Didn't think so.
**"But I'm a f***in' demon....!" -Azrael, of DOGMA
MORE importantly, did any one ELSE see *MR. T* in that commercial with the Mini-Me guy from Austin Powers 2? ^o^ Good to see the main man still in action..... although, all he was doing was getting the mail........
- D@t@-Kun
- ~SoulHunter
FACT: Any punch an elf throws is going to be "below the belt".
CONCLUSION: Even if Santa manages to win this match, he will walk slowly and with great pain for the rest of his life. His stomach won't be the only thing resembling a bowl full of jelly, if you catch my drift.
So, in a nutshell, what we have here is a match where a fat man in a red suit gets hit in De Nutz several million times by a large group of angry short men dressed in green while reindeer and teamsters play Reindeer Games and eat sandwiches.
The real winners are the FANS! :)
- James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight
Would you ask her for more money Right before Christmas? Didn't think so.
- The one who did.
- RITH
Santa wins easily, because of Quantum Physics(TM). Considering the number of children Santa has to visit in 24 h he must travel at very high speed. The number of children and the distance to cross is easily counted and calculated (won't do it here though because I'm lazy), therefore we know exactly how fast Santa travels. The speed would so high that he would burn up due to atmospheric friction. But Santa exists because if not there would not be this match. Therefore Santa must be a personified Quantum Phenomenon. Because of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Thingy(TM) we do not know the exact position of Santa at any time, since we know his speed or momentum. Another proof of quantum properties is, how on earth do you get a fat man down a chimney without breaking either ? The only explanation is a tunnel effect(TM). Santa tunnels the picket lines, what could a bunch of fairies stop anyways ? And I'm looking forward to some nice presents.
- Valium
You know the bad thing about this match?
I can't vote "Both Mangled and Killed" - little kids around the world would come and kill me for the Pokemon toys no longer to be delivered.
Unions survive on dues as a percentage of wage. Santa's little helpers work for room and board. You math geeks will be able to figure this one out: x% of zero is zero. No coin in it for the pasta-boys, therefore no interest. Count the teamsters out of this one.
Which leaves a bunch of spandex clad fairies and 12 reindeer. Remember the room and board thing? Santa throws them out -- into the freezing tundra. Let's see how long a bunch of panty-hose wearing singing unemployed smurf wannabees walk the picket line in -60 plus wind chill factor before knuckling under. Keep in mind, the toys are already made, so Santa can hold out a whole year before he has to worry. The elves will last, what, 12 hours in the cold before slicing open the reindeer and climbing in for warmth a la "Empire Strikes Back".
NOt only does Santa win this one before he even gets back from his rounds, he rents out the surviving picketers to Nike in the off season to increase revenues -- and the elves are happy for the work.
- Joe Canada
- Darrel Jones
- M.B.
- Jason 'kobayashi maru' patten -- The one you cant win
I am Canadian; more specifically, I am an Ontarian and I know far too well of the futility of protests. You see Santa is really vacationing in Guam and completely unaware of the goings on. The Canadian government, being closest to the Pole, have sent in their top man to establish "trade relations" with SE while Santa is away. (If they'll go to China, they'll go anywhere!)
Yes, you heard it here first: Santa Claus is really MIKE HARRIS!
Mike Harris is the needle to an enema that Ontario never wanted. This heartless corporate ass-kisser has systematically destroyed what once was the finest Health and Education systems in North America. He's survived riots at his front door in Queen's Park, a province-wide teacher's strike and been re-elected with a higher take of the vote!
Mike Harris is backed by the power of Big Business(tm). Knowing that SE has been a long time competitor, this puppet has been ordered to take SE out. So, by impersonating the Claus and instigating this demonstration he is actually completing stages of a sophistaicated master plan.
Here's what happens next: as the protest lingers on and December 24th comes ever-nearer, our "Harris" Claus (HC) continues to demand that the elves etc. relent, occasionaly trying to get a delivery truck throught the picket line, but DOING nothing else. However, he appears on t.v. every night, attacking the lack of integrity and thought of others on the part of the demonstrators, citing the actions of more extreme elves as "inappropriate" and "dangerous".
Time continues to pass, and the Teamsters, far away from home and unemployed, begin to drift away in twos and threes. The others see this and try to retaliate, only creating more "incidents" for HC to exploit. The protest suddenly becomes unpopular as parents demand that SE get back on line, fearing the heartbreak on Christmas morning. "Billy couldn't get that train he wanted because the elves shut down the shop, those bastards!"
On the 24th, the elves finally pack it in, SE tries to catch up and fails, SE stock plummets faster than you can say "Bre-X" and the real Santa dies in a "sporting" accident.
You know what's really scary? This would work...
- The Crystal Meph, Survivor of Ontario
- Riff
Santa's plan is simple. He spreads word the world over that his life is in danger...that TED is trying to kill Santa and thereby destroy Christmas. Children everywhere, driven to panic with the thought of no PokeMon under the tree, take up arms to defeat TED. "SANTA MUST BE SAVED!"
The children attack at dawn, and although well matched for the elves in size, do take some severe hits. The Teamsters, seeing little Jimmy's head bashed open by an elf's candy-cane, scream out "No one beats my kid but me!!!" and change sides. Together, fathers, sons, and daughters beat the Christmas stuffing out of the insolent elves. The deer quickly realize the battle is turning into a blood-bath, so they turn tail and run. Unfortunately, without Rudolph guiding them they run into a hunting party, where they suffer the same fate as Bambi's mother.
And Santa, the great manipulator, chuckles softly in the distance: "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
- Skulker
- Mastermind Mark
OKay this is simple. Connections! Santa claus- little kids, chirstmas companies Elves, Reindeer, Teamsters- Mafia The mafia has already arranged some "accidents" for the Christmas companies. Little kids do not matter. They'll get thrown off when they see the Pokemon(TM) stuff. The mafia then incases Santa with some lead shoes, breaks the ice, then throws him in.
- PPP- Peole Play Pokemon
As a member of the Chosen People, I've got to cast my vote for the Teamsters. Why? 1. Santa Claus is not real. Santa Claus is the product of some wacky Christians' imagination (probably high from inhaling all those pine needles from the trees which they insist on keeping *inside* their houses while installing the electric lights *outside* - a better name than "Christmas" would be "The Tree-Killing-Electricity-Wasting Holiday" - but I digress...) 2. Santa Claus is dead. For proof, one might consult the wisest sages of our time. Or one might quote the Smothers Brothers: "You better watch out, You better not cry, You better be good, I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is DEAD." Fighting an imaginary dead man, the reindeer elves and teamsters cannot help but triumph. (Also, elves are short and I am short, so that also gives them an advantage).
- the grinch
- Disgruntled salesclerk
- the great kramer
Personally, though, I think that NOBODY should mess with the Teamsters, the most potent force of calories, beehive hairdos and hops in the universe.
- Marc
- indianajones13
How else do you explain someone who so promotes guiltless greed?
*Ahem*
You don't mess with that bad boy unless you're Michael the Archangel.
- Darth Brooks - I know I'll be hiding under my sheets on Dec 24th
Santa Claus is a raging beast. He is blood red, not white. He supplies presents only after consuming cookies and milk. Bad cookies/milk = black excrement in the boxes. Not feeding him will get you severely injured or even killed. His name is officially spelt, "Santa Claws".
Santa is not a human. He is a genetic warrior created by the Russian during the Cold War in the 1950s and 1960s. The name Santa is actually initials for the project. Project S.A.N.T.A., to be precise. It stood for, "Synchronized Android Nanomachines Thinking Actively". He was the ultimate killing machine. But something went horribly wrong. He became far stronger than expected. Too powerful to control, anyways. The project was scraped. To do Project S.A.N.T.A. in, the dumped him at the North Pole. But the Russians, as nieve as they were back then, didn't realize what they created could withstand temperatures down to -500 degrees. He escaped the North Pole region and went to Ireland. It was here that he discovered his Elves. Several small people lived on the island of Ireland at the time. He enslaved many of those and easily took over a boat. He commanded the captain to go to Antarctica. This is how he got to the South Pole. From here, he and his elves created a vast underground empire. The lair is deep enough to be warmed by the core of the earth, so mere heat detection can't find it. Every December 25th, Santa Claws has a built in command to destroy everything in America. This is why he breaks into your house in the middle of the night. The only to prevent him from killing you is the cookie/milk plan.
See what I mean? He's a BEAST, man!
- Secef, Avid Wearer of Pants
The epitome of all that is good. Gives gifts to the good children, and worthless lumps of coal to the "bad" children(not to mention deep self-esteem issues that will dog them for the rest of their days). A big fat blob of jolly Yuletide cheer. You expect him to be able to put down the TEAMSTERS???
Look on the bright side, Santa. At least you'll be able to see as many Bears games as you please... well, hear them, anyway. The view can't be too good on the wrong side of the end zone...
- Todd Evil
The reindeer, teamsters, and elves have it. That red suit wearing,
cookie eating, greedy fat BASTARD deserves to die! I got a goddamned
football EVERY YEAR! As soon as he comes down that chimney, he'll be
covered with CIA agents.
Agent: Well, well. We've finally got you. You're in some deep ****.
Santa: What did I do?
Agent: Let's see...breaking and entering into private property via
chimney, keeping endangered animals confined in a pen,
and abusing elves (which violates the new "Ross Perot law". I
am also to inform you that you have over 10,000 lawsuits for
$50,000 each for mental anguish.
Santa: But I bring happiness to children all around the...
Agent: That's enough! Cuff 'em!
Santa soon ends up on death row, with the kid from the Christmas Story
in line to kick his red ass before he buys it. End of St. Nick.
Christmas now officially the date of the St. Nick's day Massacre.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox (who else?)
On the other hand, you have the Teamsters. Those guys know how to play hardball. Santa will find it hard to deliver toys with two broken legs. And I wouldn't be surprised is he wakes up one morning with Rudolph's head in bed with him. In addition, he'll have a tough time making toys with no shipments of materials to him, plus he won't get any Christmas lists.
In the end, Santa will crumble and be forced to hire back the elves and reindeer with shorter work days and higher wages. He'll probably then have to start charging for his delivery services, wrecking Christmas for millions of girls and boys.
- Eihort
- martinl
- Deacon
- the groupies
Do you think
- Go elves
Santa disappears mysteriously, set to be buried under a proposed new stadium for the New York Jets(R).
- The Last Don
At Santa's desk, december 22:
At this moment, Weird AL walks in, and neatly describes the whole
situation, in one of his songs.....
Down in the workshop, all teh elves are making toys, for the good
gentle boy, and the good gentle girls, when the boss busted in,
nearly scared em half to death, had a rifle in his hand, and cheap
whiskey in his breath. From his beard to his boots, he was covered in
ammo, like a big fat drunken, scrougled, jule time Rambo, and he
smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU
ALL, NOW YOURE ALL GONNA DIE.......
And so the story goes, Santa Claus is revealed as none other than the
notorious SATAN CLAWS, a vile demon from the underworld. He is
evetually arrested and put in lockdown, "but hey now, don't you
cry no more tears, he'll be out on good behaviour, IN 700 MORE
YEARS!!"
Well, knowing SATAN CLAWS, he managed to bust out. But his fatal
flaw was failing to kill all the elves, one of them called a friend
of his from another dimension, and from the Lands of Middle Earth,
comes a hero of the Elves..... none other than Gildorion, the Noldo
Elf Lord! Needless to say, Santa, even with an AK47 is not nearly as
scary as a Nazgul, and Gildorian had no trouble handling all 9. Santa
quickly loses his head.
Santa's wife is last seen on the phone with her lawyer, negotiating
with Hollywood on the movie rights...
- The Night Santa Went Crazy. (by Trial)
- --you thought you knew who I was
So now we know.
- Dan M
- The Infraggable Krunk
James Cameron is directing this entire bout, so the robot workers
suddenly morph into skeletal Terminator robots. Santa, the reindeer,
the Teamsters and the elves must destroy these evil bastions.
Unfourtunately, the skeletons kill off the Teamsters and Rudolph
before being destroyed. Nobody seems to care, though, because the
Teamsters were just an addition and Rudolph sucked in the first
place. Santa re-hires the elves and they all go and get some tea from
Mrs. Clause.
The destroyed robots' eyes gleam red in synchronized fashion,
lighting up the area with an eerie presence...it's not over...yet.
- Mistah' Raichu
- Claymore, Capitalist, Imperialist Pig
- Mixed~Nuts
On the Santa Side:
On the Union Side:
So, one fat capitolist vs. a lot of working class guys with Da
Rage™. Working class guys equiped with chisles, hammers,
crowbars, and other implements of construction/destruction. If Santa
doesn't back down, he may find his portly self skillfully trimmed to
size and crammed in with Jimmy Hoffa.
The strikers obviously win yet another blow for socialism, mandetory
employment, and the Canadian Way (what, you thought he was in
Alaska?). I think we'll be seeing a new Fat Man next Christmass...
- Sailor Squasher
- Santa vrs. Teamsters
Vote for Santa if you want presents not booby traps.
- Seb Rabit.
And that brings up two related questions:
Depending on who you listen to, I'd say that Santa is about Homer Sinpson size, or 250 pounds tops.
Depending on who you listen to, elves can weigh anywhere from Marge Simpson size, say 145 pounds ( Anybody else here agrees with me that Marge is an amazon! ) to a low of a few ounces ( Victorians ) to maybe around an average of 40 pounds ( TV specials ).
So Santa will be going toe-to-toe and hand-to-hand with at least six helpers with picket signs. But on the other hand, Santa has his sack. The one that hold at least one decent toy for ever child in the world.
A half billion Malibu Barbies and a half billion G.I.Joes could crush a herd of elephants, let alone six short punks up to their longjohn backflaps in snow.
The fight lasts seven seconds.
As Santa goes through the door, he calls out to the cowardly survivors, "Don't eat the deadly red snow!"
- Ogre
Thanks this can be boiled down to
1) Public support for their policys, Who has public support and will
get on the news better, A Kindly old gentleman who puts up with
having his lap sat on by 2 million plus screeming kids and will still
give them presents without machine gunning his co-workers. Compared
to a surly group of furniture movers we have no contest.
2) Management always has the fires of the lawyers and accountancy
departments, these dread legions of santa's (and yes in some
countries he is accompanied by a demon to punish the wicked) will act
as strike busters. Led by the Pointy haired (and now eared) boss no
worker can oppose their might
3) Reemployment; Santa has the option of outsourcing his operations
to china and the third world, as a soverign state he can do so with
no internal disputes (in fact he already does to a large extent). The
elves have toymaking prowess, but toy sales are down world wide
(santa practically gives them away), the sudden infusion of elves
seeking jobs will push the price of labor down and force humans out
of jobs, Inter species bigotry/protectionism will lead to the elves
being shut out of US and other markets simply because they are too
good at their jobs. The reindeer will be 'set free' by extremist
animal rights protestors, (they have also been replaced). That leaves
the teamsters trying to negoitate their services to santa, He doesn't
need them
4) Santa can replace the elves with magical snowmen (even easier to
replace)
5) Santa is affiliated with coca-cola. Even more lawyers
6) Santa is the only entity who can give me the take over the world
in 5 easy steps kit (dogbert is dragged off at this point)
Simply put, Santa has the good will, the capital, Legions of snowmen
lawyers (enough to hold off disney, microsoft and Mcdonalds combined)
and the ease of replacement of staff. The elves are out on the street.
- D.Merzel
This one goes to the Gipper.
- Dope on a Rope
To my elves and reindeer, I do not think you have been keeping up
with the times sadly. I hate to say, but I already have a special
system for getting all the presents already out, and as of this
moment, these presents are going to hidden pickup points all across
the globe.
The picket line will not work for I have a new model airplane. State
of the line, stealth technology, and can go up to speeds of Mach 1.
Yes the kids will still see the sleigh if they look due to precision
in projectors and mirrors, but the presents will be sent on time.
Now if you wish any employment opportunities, I suggest that the
reindeer go to a cold state or country, and maybe look for work under
pulling sleds, and the elves to go to any nearby shoe store, I am
certain that they will be appreciative of your work. I will give full
recommendations for you getting the work for you are hard workers.
Merry Christmas
S. Claus
We bring good cheer to life!
(This message was brought to you by cybercorp, a division of the
stealth foundation)
- Zeek "Phoenix Knight" Silverfire
- Guy Incognito. Seatlle, WA. anguirus7@yahoo.com
- Todd
Return to Santa Claus vs. Elves, Reindeer, and Teamsters.
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© 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Ground Zero, LLC
Santa:... "Santa is slouching over his desk, drunk on whiskey...
Curse theese Elves and raindeer, they'll make it all fall
apart... NOOO I can't take it!! I won't let it happen!!!
"Santa
gets up, walk over to his closet unlocks it, and grab a Kalashnikov
AK47 he got from some russian guerillas"
Santa: This'll
teach the bastards!!
Remember, the teamsters know how to bring in people by racial unity.
Let's see what this means for the elves.
Of course, they might stick around and re-create their old empires,
but I maybe that's a good thing. Being conquered by Gondolin could
enforce peace on the Balkans.
We all know how dangerous the teamsters are. Their might, combined
with the elves and the reindeer can bring even the great St. Nick to
his knees. Still, I'm not sure the fat boy will take this lying down.
In fact, this might be one blow too many for his fragile psyche (he
does, after all, think he's Santa Claus.) "Weird" Al Yankovic
recorded a song outlining what happens when the Bowl Full of Jelly
flips out, the song includes everything but what pushed him over the
edge.
You know, Santa is sure under a lot of stress. He has to supervise
and prepare and deliver all those presents all around the world. He
receives no thank-you cards. He gets no invitation to New Year's
parties. He's surrounded by whiny little brats who want ponies,
surround-sound entertainment systems, and yachts. He always has to
wear that stupid outfit. He has a sleigh instead of a nice car, and
he constantly is forced to eat milk and cookies instead of, say, a
good sirloin. He's held it together so far, but how long can he be
pushed? For further details to what will happen, I refer you to
the "Weird Al" classic, "The Night Santa Went Crazy."
"Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!"
I vote for Santa Clase, simply because no weapon of mass destruction
can beat the giant lard bubble that is Jolly St. Nick. However, my
prediction on the overall occurence in this match:
The obvious winner here will be the Chinese. If the strike puts Santa
under they corner the toy market.Hell, they already make all the
Christmas decorations in their labor camps. If Claus sends the work
overseas then chinese win again. Lets face it either way the commies
come out ahead.
After much thought, I decided that Santa would win this. Sure the
elves and reindeer are upset. But how tough can they be without the
teamsters? Ah, but they have aligned with teamsters you say? You
both forgot one important element. The teamsters might be thugs,
they might be ugly, and they might love a confrontation. BUT, most of
those teamsters also have children. Thats right! Little thugsters
and thugettes that are so excited for christmas morning so they can
run downstairs and find "GI Joe with Real Surface to Air Missile". So
lets imagine the teamsters have managed to block Santa from delivering
all those goodies and toys on Christmas Eve. Little "Legs" Maloney,
Jr. wakes up, searches frantically for his "Fun with Nuclear Fission
kit" only to find it missing. So what does he do? Oh yeah, just
what any self respecting junior thug does. He starts to cry. Mommy
"Legs" Maloney cant get junior to shut up and realizes that it was all
Daddy's fault. Poor old "Legs" aint gonna get lucky tonight. So he
calls up all his fellow teamster thugs who are also being berated by
angry mothers and children. They call up old Santa and escort him
through the picket line manned by tiny angry elves and constipated
Reindeer. Santa makes it through and delivers all those "Britney
Spears gets a boob job" Dolls and everyone is happy. Except for the
elves and reindeer of course. But heck, their are alot of freakshows
and circuses out there alway looking for extra help. (Man, I'm gonna
hear about that one) Sorry honey, I'll try and be more sensitive to
the "little people".
Hm. Lesse what we've got in this match...
One large, overweight autocratic elf. Notable
abilities: fits in small chimneys, eats and drinks great quantities in
one night, gets 364 days of vacation each year, survives incredible
acceleration (see raindeer).
Countless short elves. Notable abilities: skill with
all sorts of tools, constant labour, no known time off work.
Seven raindeer. Notable abilities: antlers, hooves,
flight, hypersonic speed (ever wondered how Santa makes it to every
Christian house in the world in one night?). Rudolf also has a
glow-in-the-dark nose.
The whole Teamsters Union. Notable abilities:
sympathy strikes paralize the entire economy of North America, lots of
burly men equiped with lead pipes and big wrenches, know a great place
to hide bodies.
If anyone remembers all those old dopey Christmas movies, they would
know that Santa has alot more skills than he seems. Pair off his
infinent toy bag(with toys like sharp boomerages and nerf guns) and
that cool robotic Santa suit, sleigh, reigndeer from the Blockbuster
(tm) commercial, and someone as unstoppable as the Silver Cristal.
Hwe wouldn't hurt the reigndeer, for the meer fact they're an
endangered species(how many flying deer have you seen). But as for
the elves and teamsters, well... Santa's gonna be considered a bad
boy this year.
Never mess with some guy who knows where you live and can get down
your chimney, even if you dont hyave one.
Since a match has to end in death, then we're going to have to face the fact that Santa is going to have to fight his weight in elves at the picket line when e returns to the office to pick up Mrs. Claus's gift.
How much does Santa weigh, and how much do elves weigh?
I will turn analysis of this industrial relation's dispute over to
Dogbert.
Uh… guys? Don’t you read Bloom County? The elves already tried to go
on strike. Reagan fired them all and were hired back as reindeer
replacements.
Dear Ex Valued Employee:
President and CEO
Santa Enterprises Corporation
HO-HO-Ho boy, those teamsters are dead! Nobody has realized that
there is one factor that will insure that Fat Man's victory: THE DAMN
KIDDIES! I mean, who do they credit with those toys? Not Mattel,
Nintendo, Sega, Sony, The Elves, or Hasbro! They give SANTA
the credit! He just calls on the little runts, and bam! The Teamsters
are mauled, The Reindeers are sent to some zoo, and the Elves have
Candy Canes stuck so far up their asses it goes through their skulls!
I rest my case.
Santa Enterprises Warehouse 25- once bustling w/ activity and
holiday cheer, now dark, cold, and quiet due to recent cutbacks and
so called "streamlining". Santa and Rudolf have just arrived from the
boardroom where they received a barely intelligible phone call from
someone sounding like The Jerky Boys' Egyptian Magician, mumbling
something about getting a Christmas bonus,Mrs. Claus,and pulling a Ho
Ho Ho Train. Rudolf's nose illuminates the darkness and Santa starts
picking off elves w/ fruitcakes shot from a retro fitted Kooshball
slingshot. Donner appears from the blindside and hoofslaps Rudolf in
the beak-"Lights Out!". The rest of the reindeer surround Santa and
start putting the "DeNiro"boots to him. Now the Teamsters pull up and
get to work. Ever see "Casino"? They make Pesci look like a saint.
All of the abandoned tools get dusted off and put to good use. Rosy
red cheeks are now bloody red cheeks thanks to a belt sander. A
monkey wrench is applied to Santa's "Christmas Balls" with extreme
prejudice. Oh Oh! Here comes a circular saw. Wait- what is that
sparking? It seems the saw has a frayed cord, and Santa has lost
control of his bodily functions all over the floor. This could be the
equivalent of throwing a radio in a bathtub. BZZZZT!!! The Teamsters
are toast. I can't believe it! Santa is still twitching! It must be
those rubber adult undergarments. He crawls into the break room where
he finds the Mrs. tied up in full bondage gear. He staggers to his
feet like a town drunk and makes his way to rescue his wife. He then
slips on a pile of fresh reindeer dung and plunges head first into
the vending machine and is engulfed in an avalanche of Cheetos,
Zagnuts, Funyons,and Pork Rinds. The reindeer, who always relied on
the Clauses for food, can't fend for themselves and have been
starving for days. They see the free snacks and go wild. Santa sneaks
out of the pile, gets his electric cattle prod and puts the reindeer
down one by one. Just as Santa goes to untie Mrs Claus, Rudolf
appears. It seems while he was unconscious, he came to realize that
Santa only used him for his nose;before the nose suited a purpose,
Santa didn't want anything to do w/ him. Santa treated him better
than the others, and this created opposition between Rudy & the other
reindeer. Rudy after all, was a reindeer and will always be a
reindeer. So, w/ a smile on his face sauntered up to Santa- then
lunged at Santa and impaled him through his black heart with
antlers.Rudy then untied MrsClaus,& tended to the injuries of the
reindeer & elves. Rudy and Mrs.Claus married a short time later, and
took over the business and restored it to all of the glory it had
enjoyed in the past.
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