Kahn: He has the "Rage" big time, but he'll spend all his time in the Death Star trying to take it over so he can go after Captain Kirk again.
Terminator: Ok, he can withstand machinegun fire, but can he withstand Laser fire? I think not. He'll take out a small army of Storm Troopers, but the sheer volume of fire will hit him hard (Even storm troopers can't miss EVERY time) and he'll go down.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: He's got the "Force", but not the "Rage". He'll start a duel with Vader, and we all know how that will end.
Hannibal Lector: Has the "Rage", but not the "Force". He'll spend all his time eating Storm Troopers, and will die of food poisoning.
Mr. T: the man IS the "Rage" and is a "Force to be reckoned with". We all know how he can deal with armed goons, so Storm Troopers are going to be nothing new to him. The man is defiantly a top contender to get out alive.
MacGyver: This man has no chance. He may be good against terrorist and corrupt government agents, but Storm Troopers are fearless, and will run into any of his bobby-traps with out a thought for personal safety. He'll soon run out of "pinecone landmines" and get feed to the trash compactor monster.
A Rottweiler: Second only to Mr. T when it comes to the "Rage" stakes, the Rottweiler has one more trick up it's sleeve (if it had sleeve's, that is): First rule of Hollywood; The dog CAN NOT die. You can wipe out LA, New York, Washington, London, Paris and Moscow, but the Dog MUST live. As with Mr. T, defiantly a top contender to get out alive.
Death Star & Storm Troopers: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. There is no way that these guys's can win. They will stop most of the contestants, but they can't stop them all. So, for about the fifth time, Death Star, it goes "BOOMB". So, Mr. T or Rottweiler??? I'm going to have to go with the dog, but for a good reason: Mr. T is a "Good guy", so he won't let the dog die.
Here is what will happen: Mr. T will be just about to get into an escape-pod, when he hears the Rottweiler behind him. He turns around, and sees a pore, defenceless animal. He'll grab the Dog, place it into the Escape Pod (capacity 1), and go out in a blaze of glory, knowing he's done the right thing. Would YOU want Mr. T to save him self instead of a poor dog?? Mr. T gets my vote, but in real life, the dog lives.
- Sinister Dexter
Only two people survive: Mr. T because of his Mentos Level coolness(tm) and MacGuyver Because, having defeated the entire A-Team previously, has got to have even more Mentos(tm) than Mr. T. The Mentos' coolness(tm) is cold enough to keep them from being incinerated by the blast wave long enough to hijack Vaders TIE and fly clear. You may think there is some Bad Blood(tm) between these two, but remember this isn't Clubber Lang, it's Mr. T. Since MacGuyver's a good guy Mr. T is willing to team up with him and call upon his A-Team experience to help build an Invincable Mentos Star(tm) from the debris.
First they use its Holy Power to get rid of all those nasty little terrorists on Earth then they proceed to smite all those evil alien races that want to destroy Earth and/or eat everybody, such as the Martians, Xenomorphs, and those giant cockroches from MiB. Once the Galaxy is safe The Mentos Star(tm) then goes on to destroy every evil Alien in the Universe. What follows is an eon of peace and prosperty where planets can live in harmony without fear of invasion or being blown up.
Finally, Something good to come out of a T.O.C.!!!
- PSYCHO JAY
"YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP
YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP
YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP"
He begins to run, starting only seconds after seeing the massive wave
of chihuahuas rushing toward him.
"YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP
YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP
YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP
YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP
YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP"
He's almost to the escape pod when the wave finally catches up to
him, eating him in seconds. He knew they'd come back for
revenge. They always do. He just hadn't expected it quite yet. So,
the chihuahuas become the first non winning competitor
Tournament of Champions winner.
...However, since it has been proven that the Stormtroopers can't hit easy targets, it stands to reason (through reverse logic) that they can hit small, quick targets. No, the Ewoks don't count, because they were small and slow. Therefore, the smallest, fastest target is bound to get shot to death by the Stormtroopers. The poor, poor Rottweiler is blown away by a team of crack-shot troopers. Next to go is Khan, who has no idea what's going on. Poor bastard, can't deal with reality. He falls in a pit, or something. Oh well, sucks for you. (Outside Note: I don't like Khan, can you tell?) MacGuyver, despit his ability to save himself and the Girl of the Week (TM) using only his trusty pants, is a bit out of his league here. Despite using clever, hastily-thrown-together disguises to hide from everyone, and using his trusty piece of string, duct tape, and salmon to subdue all the guards and avoid the deathtraps, is killed when a Stormtrooper fires at Mr. T and hits him instead. That'll show him... going around wearing Stormtrooper uniforms. That's like asking to get killed. Mr. T will make it to an escape pod, but will suddenly overcome with the urge to dial 1-800-COLLECT. Why? Because Mr. T pity the foo' who don't dial 1-800-COLLECT. Unfortunately, pushing those buttons initiates the self-destruct sequence. Bye bye, Mr. T. (Outside Note: Mr. T, please don't kill me...)
Left now are Obi-Wan, Hannibal Lector, and the Terminator. Obi-Wan seems like the obvious win choice, because he's done all this before. However, he only made it on. The whole 'escaping' thing is a bit beyond his reach. He'll inevitably come across Darth Vader (again...), and be cut down the middle and disappear (again...). ...sigh...so predictable. Now, Terminator and Hannibal Lector, after all this time, will have found each other. Both being villains (this is the FIRST Terminator we're talking about here...at least it likes like it from the picture.) they will do as only villains can do: form an alliance to escape together, with plans to kill each other later. The Terminator allies himself, because he must kill John Connor. Hannibal allies himself because...um...because he wants to. Yeah. Anyways, Hannibal tries to kill Termy first, bites his face, and breaks his teeth. The Terminator then tears him in half. Leaving the Terminator alone to get out before he's killed...yeah, right. We're talking about a freaking unstoppable (well, almost) robot, here. Terminator walks straight through the outer hull of the Death Star, and floats around in space for a thousand years until he comes into contact with another planet, populated, to his dismay, by millions of teddy bears in leather hats. He destroys the planet and spends the next eternity rusting. Blah! So in the end, everyone dies, and Q blows up the Deathstar. Unfortunately, it's the wrong point in time to prevent Episode II, and all of humanity suffers. The End
- Brought to you by the bad mood of...duh duh duh...Rob Shadow
1) "Look, an animal!" *laser blast* "Ooh, look: a nice new black and orange pelt!" Rottweiler: Toast. As much as i'd like to see this supposedly viscious animal run through miles of corridors, get into a shuttle and fly away, its not going to happen. Had it been a Rottweiler Vs a Rottweiler's weight in Stormtroopers then maybe... but not today.
2) "You're gonna git me again, sucka!" Mr T: Eventually toast... McGyver has beaten the whole A-Team in one go (a travesty of justice but i'm having to go on past results, here). So Mr "i'm in Stargate SG-1 dontcha know" survives a bit longer
3) "I will eat your liver with..." *laser blast* *Thudd* Hannibal: (who thought of this guy here?) Sneaky, yes. Scary, perhaps on his own turf. The men in white are not Ray Liota... as they have armour. One shot and its Hannibal Schmannibal.
4) "What is this strange new ship...with such a powerful weapon... With it i could..." *deep, armoured breathing* *Zummmm* *Swish* *Thudd* Khan: A good mind, a strong Klingon and vicious too. He's a sci-fi creation too so he's not phased like most of the others... but gets killed (by Vader in the command centre) trying to take over the Death Star so he can blast the Enterprise into chunky salsa.
6) "Hasta la vista, baby" Terminator: Kills McGyver... no questions asked. Us soccer hooligans had never even heard of this guy so automatically he gets toasted by someone we love. T-100 rips the guy in two and goes on to the shuttlebay to meet:
7) "Use the force, Puke... er Luke" Obi-Wan Kenobi: This is a real face off. Mr 'All go no quit' Cyborg versus an old guy with a strip light. And magical powers. Uh oh. Obi-Wan has more than a cutting edge. He knows the Imperial Technology, its HIS universe for Hotbranch!'s sake. He is where he should be. With a simple application of the force, T-100 is on the other side of the room... the lightsabre deals with any shotgun- pistol-minigun-grenades fired at him and off he goes into the deep velvet of space... leaving Arnie to be melted, or blown out into space in his metallic form for a rematch at some point in the future. (I make it soooo easy for you guys)
- Si (Footballius Hooliganus)
the answer to both of my queries was the Rottweiler. Khan is a joke. MacGyver is, in essence, a high school chemistry teacher. Obi-Wan is a good guy. I recently saw Ah-nold on Fox Sports prior to the Rams-Eagles game, and he looked like a midget. (This brings to mind a favorite line of mine from the masters of song, The Bloodhound Gang: "Life's short and hard, like a body-building elf." I digress.) So the Terminator is out. We all know what a joke the Death Star and Stormtroopers are. While Lecter is a killer, he seems too much like a gay grandfather to inspire fear. This leaves a rottweiler and Mr. T. While Mr. T does possess Mentos (tm)-level coolness and is perhaps one of the great pop culture figures of the 1980's, he does not have what I most fear from a rottweiler (also possessed by the rabbit guarding the cave in Monty Python and the Holy Grail): big, sharp, nasty, pointy teeth.
- Adam B.
- Cat (disgusted at being forced to aid the enemy)
- Ubiq - It's the Ulysses Grant Theory of Victory Through Ungodly Casulties.
- Groundskeeper Scotty
Terminator blasts away, using his night vision to track the agile doctor. The room is filled with cascading sparks and small explosions. When the dust settles, the Terminator finds himself alone. He scans the entire room for Lector, but can't find him. Terminator hears a faint buzz behind him, and as he turns, the thrusting lightsaber is the last thing his optical processors register. Lector pulls his weapon from the smoking hole in the Terminator's head. He then proceeds to slice open the organic part of the cyborg's chest. Pulling back the skin reveals a small red display. Flashing digits show a "2", a "1",and finally "you're screwed". Lector has time to look up and sigh before the miniature nuclear warhead in the Terminator's chest detonates. It sets off the chain reaction that Luke's torpedoes were supposed to have started. However this time, Vader is still aboard the ship. He sees readouts showing the rapid demolishion if his pride and joy. And just before disintegrating in a burst of flame he screams: "NOW I CAN'T COME BACK IN A SEEEEEQUELLLLLLLL!" Winner: I couldn't decide... so nobody.
- sPeciAL eD
-The Character Of College Graduate/the Nerd(Spock in TOC IV,James Bond's Q in TOC V and Doctor Evil in TOC VI):Definetly MacGuyver.I mean,this guy can make a thermonuclear bomb out of spray paint and toothpaste.According to Charge Man,hunkier characters take the day.He's out.
-The Dark Cloaked Evil Entity(Death/Grim Reaper in TOC IV,Darth Maul in TOC V and Emperor Palpatine in TOC VI):Well,Obi-Wan Kenobi wears a cloak.Problem is,neither the cloak is dark,nor he is evil.Anyway,you got lemons,make Jedi lemonade.Charge Man says the Cloaked Entity must be taken out by a smaller being.He will be able to take out a few Stormtroopers,but he won't hold a candle against the Rottweiler.
-The Relativetly Weaker Underdog Character That Still Manages To Take Out Another Guy Or Two(the English Soccer Hooligans in TOC IV,Dilbert [TM]in TOC V and Stephen Hawkings in TOC VI):This one's the Rottweiler.I mean,he's a fricking DOG,for christ sake!He will beat the crap outta the Stormtroopers and Kahn,but he will meet defeat at the hands of Hannibal Lecter/Lector.
-The Black-Suited Badass(the Men In Black in TOC IV,the Blues Brothers in TOC V and Mad Max in TOC VI):100% Terminator.However,Charge Man thinks the Black-Suited Badass only apealls to machists,and hence cannot win.He's knocked out cold
-The Ostracized Super-Entity Among Which Various Rumours Are Spred About Them(Godzilla in TOC IV,Michael Keaton's Batman in TOC V and the X-Men in TOC VI):That's hard,but I think Obi-Wan fits better in here.I mean,remember the beggining of"A New Hope"?He's the perfect Ostricized Super-Entity,always recluded and with legends preceeding him.However Charge Man says that,since people are afraid of what they can't understand,a Osticized Entity can't win without shocking everyone.He's out.
-The Wisecracker(the Mystery Science Theathre 3000 robots in TOC IV,the Tick in TOC V and the Joker in TOC VI):Obviously,this is Hannibal Lector/Lecter("I am giving VERY serious thoughts...about eating your wife").The Wisecracker won in TOC IV,so he's one of the finalists.
-The Man Of Action(Bobba Fett in TOC IV,Duke Nukem in TOC V and Jackie Chan in TOC VI):Anyone who has EVER seen"The A-Team"knows this one's Mr T.The Man Of Action won in TOC VI,so he's another finalist.
-The Competitor With Moral Rules Different From Most Others(Monthy Python's King Arthur and his knights[pronounced kniggets]in TOC IV,Yoda in TOC V and Hobbes in TOC VI):Yep,he's Hannibal Lecter/Lector ("The man covets what he sees every day...").The Competitor With Moral Rules won in TOC V,so he's the other finalist. I'm been hurried, so it's up to you who decide who will win:Lecter/Lector or Mr T.
- Tyler Durden(I hate being in a hurry when I'm writing responses...)
Guided by their new found friends, Mr. T. and MacGyver reach the hangar at the same time as Hannibal Lecter. Infuriated at this psycho's use of Hannibal's name, Mr. T. summons up The Rage (tm), and battle commences. During the fight, one of the Rebel spies discovers that the Death Star is about to attack Yavin 4, and rapidly encourages an end to the fight. Lecter is knocked unconsious and firmly tied up (as neither MacGyver or Mr. T. is allowed to kill anyone) and left in a closet. The group boards a shuttle, and just before the doors close, the Rottweiler leaps aboard. The shuttle takes off, and as it clears the docking bay, Q blows the station up. Some farmboy from a backwater planet gets credit for the kill.
Which leaves us with Hannibal and MacGyver. Hannibal doesn't "deal" with people en masse. Mac, though, routinely defeats five, six, seven bad guys at a time. Also, he's not into killing, and will be satisfied with knocking everyone unconscious; I don't think Hannibal will.
Mac and his retro hairstyle by a nose.
The Terminator however, will first off, kill an imperial officer and take his clothing. As we know, the stormtroopers never question anyone in an Imperial uniform. He will then quickly access the computers (ie. when the T-1000 used the police car computer to find John Connor) to see that Sarah Connor is not aboard. He will then locate the nearest shuttle and leave the Death Star, enusring it's distruction, only to be reprogrammed by Boba Fett to find Han Solo. His ace in the hole is that Vader can sense the presence of living things. Terminators, while having living flesh, are computers and not easily detectable.
- G - Man
Since the Terminator can only hunt one target at a time, he's been programmed to kill the most dangerous human in the Tournament. Wandering through the lower levels of the Death Star (the kind that James Cameron would illuminate with red "emergency" lights if he were directing), Khan and Termie encounter each other. Khan's superior logical skills tell him that the controlling chip of a cyborg designed by humans would be located in the head. Although the machine shoots him several times, Khan's superhuman constitution and near Mentos-level coolness (TM) protect him until he can, with subtle application of his brilliant analytical skills, bash the Terminator's CPU into a mangled, twisted hunk of metal, thereby "killing" it. Khan makes a gamely effort to continue, but his injuries soon overcome him. Double sayonara. Mr. T and Obi-Wan Kenobi, meanwhile, have made a pact to neutralize the Death Star's menace. To that end, Mr. T beats the crap out of every Stormtrooper in the whole bloody station, and Obi-Wan shuts down all the tractor beams. They reach an escape shuttle, and are promptly blown up when Mr. T attempts to start its engines.
And then there was one... You see, they had forgotten the wild card in this match, the man of such overwhelming intellect that it cannot be measure by any psychological tests: Dr. Hannibal Lecter. While the other competitors were foolishly wasting their efforts in destroying each other, Dr. Lecter talked to the Emperor's personal guards until they swallowed their own tongues, and spent the next several hours convincing Emperor Palpatine that it would be a wonderful idea to replace Darth Vader as Palpatine's right-hand man. The Emperor may be immune to Ye Olde Jedi Mind Trick (TM), but he can be persuaded by seemingly reasonable arguments that are actually thinly-disguised plots to destroy him (just like anyone else). By the next day (what? There's no time limit on Grudge Matches (TM)!), Dr. Lecter has talked Palpatine into killing himself. However, he does not take over as the new emperor, preferring instead to spend his days as sole inhabitant of the Death Star perusing the vast Imperial libraries and listening to classical music on the Death Star's KILLER sound system. Hey, Imperial troops like to get funky, too.
P.S.: Did I forget that stupid dog? It annoyed Hannibal so much, chewing his pants leg and peeing on his patent leather shoes, he blew it out of the airlock five seconds after the match started. Q decided not to blow up the Death Star, as the rottweiler was dead, and therefore could not claim victory.
- The Scorpion
- The Pancake Man
- Jaina Baggins (Supreme Overlord of anything Ringish)
With Darth Vader gone we know that the Death Star doesn't have a chance with only Stormtroopers left to defend it.
Meanwhile, the other contestants are pairing up and bearing off rather quickly. Hannibal gets hungry and eats the Rottwieler, spiced with some Italian extra virgin olive oil and head cheese. Mr. T turns the corner and says, "I pity the fool that ate my Fluffy!!". Empowered by The Rage, Mr. T kills and eats Hannibal Lector, spiced with some milk and cookies.
Elsewhere, The Terminator and Khan have met up. Kahn tries to smooth talk his way around Ahnald, but before he opens his mouth, the Terminator blows him away with a pump-action sawed-off shotgun, and says, "Hasta la Vista, Conner." With his dying breath Khan says, "Who?"
MacGyver comes out of the air-vent and lands on the T-800's back. Prying the Pseudo-Skin off Shwartz's neck with his trusty pocketknife, MacGyver reprograms the Terminator in 3.1 seconds, using bubblegum and earwax for electrical solder.
MacGyver riding piggyback, makes a mad dash for the nearest airlock, and meets Mr.T in the corridor just outside. The Terminator lets loose with all his guns, but all the bullets are ineffective -- Mr.T's gold chains deflect them all like bullet-proof Kevlar! He takes a full right hook at the Cyborg and the clank of metal on metal resounds as Mr. T's fist hits Arnie's face. The two clank and crash at each other repeatedly, both immovable and indestructible.
MacGyver, using leftover parts from Vader's mechanical body, constructs a field-radio and calls in the U.S. Marines for a Non-combatant Evacuation Outside Global Emergency Operation (NEO-GEO). The Jarheads rescue Mac, vacate the Deathstar, it explodes, and the rest is history.
Vader and Stormtroopers... please. All the contestants are well accustomed to being chased by gangs, mobs, thugs and/or peace officers. Stormtroopers are accustomed to getting their plastic asses kicked. Vader will be distracted by Obi-Wan indescently exposing his Best Actor Oscar (tm) at him. The only viable answers are Khan and Lector, and Lector would win that fight. Khan gets underlings to do most of his heavily lifting while he's busy dressing up like Cher. Tattoo will be a non-factor. He got beat up my Roger Moore, anyway (the penultimate indignity. Being beaten up by Timothy Dalton is the ultimate indignity.) Annnnny way...... Lector's basically the devil, (charming, sophisticated, essentially godless, lulls your defenses down by harping on your weakness, then strikes) and the devil is also a Rottweiler (see The Omen Rule of Evil Pets). So Lector is really two contestants. Combine their swift killing power with Lector's intelligence, and I'm willing to bet he's classily strolling off in some shuttlecraft before Mr. T can remind us that fava beans are an excellent source of vitamin B.
- Non-migratory swallow
If Mr.T does have his van,then it's not even a contest, it's a massacre. Mr.T gets out of the Death Star(TM) in about .6 seconds because, as we all know, DAMN his van is fast! He would just drive straight through the Death Star to an easy victory.
If Mr.T does not have his van, then he'll just build one. I mean, the Death Star is just chalk full of metal and wire and other parts that Mr.T can use to make a new van. Mr.T would just start ripping the place apart until he had enough material to work with. And just in case he didn't have a blow torch, he'd just wreck first stormtrooper to come along and the stormtroopers gun would be used as a welding device. Impossible you say? Well, have you ever seen an episode of The A-Team? CASE CLOSED!
- Living Legend
- Le Messor
- -The Voice of Reason
So that leaves us with Hannibal Lecter, Mr. T, MacGyver, and the rottweiler. Lecter's nature is such that he'll seem to have been killed, only to call Clarice once things have died down. MacGyver will only succeed in a grand escape (which will basically consist of foraging for cable) if he can somehow make a socially-conscious difference in the process. And the rottweiler is simply not smart enough to make for the escape pods.
Which leaves us with Mr. T: after 20 years, still beloved by the masses, and the embodiment of all that is good and noble about America. With the "A-Team" music blaring in the background, he'll plow through wave after wave of stormtroopers, punching their helmets off and tossing them over the rails. As the escape pod clears the Death Star and narrowly misses being caught in the explosion, he'll look back and say: "That's what happens when you mess with America, fool!"
Cue theme music
- Lou the Inscrutable
The advantage of the match is then Kenobi's, as his best hope apparently is to somehow pit the indomitable will of Hannibal Lecter against the Bottomless Cup of Power,™ Q. Unfortunately, Kenobi is also the man who thought he was bad-ass for throwing a duel to become a ghost that says, "Use the Force, Luke!" and who would have doomed the galaxy if Skywalker had taken his advice to kill Darth Vader. Match will then go to Hannibal Lecter, who will be leaving the Death Star wearing an Obi-Wan mask (made from real Obi-Wan).
- Mike Leung
- Lord Cobrafire - Prince Of Bastards
Mr. T? Gimme a break! Without the rest of the A-Team, Mr. T. is just a big guy with gold chains. Okay, he's huge and ridiculously strong. He could easily overpower dozens of Stormtroopers with sheer brute force and make it to the docking bay. However, as we've seen from the A-Team, Mr. T. is afraid to fly! The only way he can get on a plane, let alone a starship, is by drinking drugged milk and being carried aboard. He tries to call the rest of the A-Team, using 1-800-COLLECT, but they won't accept his call. Not knowing what else to do, Mr. T. will drug his own milk and fall unconscious. But without the rest of the A-Team (or his animated team of plucky teenage gymnasts), there's no one to put him on the ship. I pity the fool! The Rottweiler is a dog. Dogs don't know how to fly starships. The Rottweiler gets to the docking bay, but can't escape. It is trapped and helpless.
Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Jedi. Jedi are awesome. Obi-Wan could easily defeat all the Stormtroopers, kill all the other contestants, disable the tractor beam and escape in a shuttle. However, Jedi are also honorable and prone to self-sacrifice. This means that not only will Kenobi not kill the other contestants, but he'll sacrifice himself to save the helpless Rottweiler and Mr. T. MacGuyver is a mechanical genius. While everyone else is wasting their time getting to the docking bay to find a ship, MacGuyver will sneak into a supply closet and make a ship out of a pen, a paper plate and an old sneaker. He will then fly away as the Deathstar explodes. Or will he? Hannibal Lecter is a brilliant psychologist. He will find MacGuyver and use his keen wit and power of persuasion to convince Mac to let him hitch a ride in his ship. Then, while Mac's back is turned, Dr. Lecter will jump Mac from behind, stab him to death with some implement found on the hastily constructed spacecraft, smile as the blood splatters on his face, and fly away while dining on MacGuyver's brains sauteed in a light mushroom sauce. Hannibal Lecter: 1, Everyone Else: 0
- That weird guy down the hall
MacGyver is too out of place with this otherworldly technology. Give him some plumbing and a bicycle and he could kick ass, but in this setting he'll be stuck trying to make a blowtorch out of something that he didn't know was already an interstellar blowtorch to begin with. Hannibal Lecter likes killing. He's on a vessel filled with STORMTROOPERS. That's like putting Homer Simpson in a room filled with chocolate bunnies and trying to get him to leave. The Rottweiler, while having the advantage of seeming harmless and likely being ignored by the troops, is severely hamstrung by the fact that it has no thumbs. Obi-Wan Kenobi... well, you know what happened last time he was in this situation. "pssssssschhh... I am the master now, Obi-Wan...." The Deathstar with Stormtroopers: It's the DEATH STAR. With STORMTROOPERS. Come on.
Khan, unfortunately, is one of the worst sufferers of Dr. Evil Syndrome. Do things quickly? Yeah, right. He'll probably stop right before he makes it off and explain to the Terminator exactly how he beat the Terminator to the escape pod, giving the Terminator the chance to stroll right past him and leave. Mr. T... well, I've got nothing against Mr. T. His only problem is that he doesn't have shape-shifting powers and an indestructible exoskeleton like the Terminator. Besides, he's on the same ship as Darth Vader. If that's not a fool to be pitied, I don't know who is. T will probably have to make a detour to lay some smack down on him. So there you have it. The Terminator wins. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go assassinate the Baha Men before they can cause any problems in the future.
- Infraggable Krunk
Khan: Fake muscle chest absorbs blaster shots, gets onto a Tie and about to leave, but instead self-destructs the Tie in an effort to take out the Death Star himself.
Terminator (note: first Terminator movie picture used, so using that Terminator): Unphazed by stormtrooper shots, Vader's force does nothing as he's got a computer chip for a brain. Wanders by mistake into trash compacter room, finds remains of what he thinks is another female cyborg, looking for some loving he stays and tries to re-assemble her, but is crushed by the trash compacter.
Obi Won Kenobi: Gets past Stormtroopers undetected using force, gets to a tie hanger but his altruistic tendencies gets the best of him and he fights off stormtroopers chasing the rottweiler. Unfortunantly, rottweiler doesn't see Obi Won as a friend and bites the back of his leg, Obi Won spins and is shot and killed. Only robe remains.
Rottweiler: Gets covered by Obi Won's robe, in frantic effort to get it off, wanders over the edge of one of the seemingly bottom- less areas found in the Death Star. PETA protests dog's demise, several stormtroopers have house's defaced with "Dog Killer!" written across front door.
Hannibal Lector: Takes out a stormtrooper to escape from jail cell, has a quick bite to eat (see previous action for menu). Gets almost to an open and easy escape aboard an empty tie fighter, but stops first to use the comm room's phone to call Clarice. Stormtroopers find him and blast him.
Mr. T: Can't help but yelling as he bashes his way through stormtrooper after stormtrooper. "I Pity The Fool" is all the alarm the Death Star needs to alert everyone of his position. Vader shows up, uses the force to strangle Mr. T on his own gold chains.
MacGyver: Finds Obi Won's robe stuck in Death Star's lost and found, uses it to carry Terminator's parts he collected from the trash room. Wanders through the jail cell, finds empty stormtrooper suit (slight ketchup stains). On way to a hangar to leave, snatches Mr. T's gold chains. In the hanger he finds only bits and peices of a tie figher, along with a blaster shot riddled fake muscle chest. MacGyver hides behind some barrels and begins working. He first reassembs the tie fighers engine. Then he puts on the stormtrooper suit. Mr. T's gold chains are used to attach the Terminator parts (now put together as a control panel and steering wheel) to the Tie jet engine. Then using duct tape (found in Stormtrooper Tool Closet in which MacGyver was hiding when he started his escape), he tapes Khan's fake chest to the top of the engine as a seat to protect him from the heat of the engine. Uses duct tape again to seal stormtrooper suit so he can survive in outer space. Finally MacGyver moves his quickly made (process took all of 2.3 minutes) starship out into the hanger, gets on and flies out thus winning the contest. Death Star explodes, MacGyver makes it home safely.
Back on Earth, senior citizens rejoice and topple the nurse's pill cart and dance and sing in the greenhouse.
- JmanX (JmanT was first choice, but Mr. T beat me to it)
MacGyver, feeling at home in the 1970's era control panels, will jury rig a battering ram out of flashing LED's, rolling over the awe-struck stormtroopers and narrowly escaping his encounter with Vader by hiding like a sissy behind a nearby stockpile of Mop 'n Glo (judging by how spotless the place is, there must THOUSANDS of them) until a passing garbage vessel hauls him off and dumps him onto Gwabgwab, the empire's refuse and recycling colony.
It's much harder to choose from the remaining four competitors. It's time to examine weaknesses: Khan is ignorant of space battle tactics. Mr. T. is soft-harted in that he pities fools. Lecter is a gourmet. The Rottweiler is, let's face it, a dog. Lecter is the first to go. His gourmet snobbery means he is uninterested in the Rottweiler as a meal. The converse is unfortunately not true, so it's a dog-eat-doctor Death Star. Khan is clearly fighting in space, but is no fool, so his weakness applies while Mr. T.'s does not. Goodbye Mr. genetically engineered superman. This is unsurprising - the genetically engineered supermen have a generally abysmal record. I suspect if someone tried to genetically engineer a complete loser, they'd be wildly successful. Then again, this may explain Pauley Shore. So it's dog vs. Grudge mascot. Uh-oh - now both weaknesses apply. T. will naturally pity the naturally foolish canine, and the (now sated) dog will be unable to overcome his doggy instinct to be friendly in return. Man's best friend and all that. Neither competitor can bring himself to finish off the other. It seems like a stalemate folks. Will our heroes be disqualified? Or will one rise above his ethical limitations, seize victory with his teeth, and bask in both the entrails of his opponents and the thrill of victory? Is either of these noble strongmen - er - strongmammals capable of that kind of raw, unabashed, amoral ruthlessness? I'll give you a hint: One of our competitors is making phone commercials; and sadly, barking is not involved. Victory Mr. T.
Terminator -- Terminator 800's (a.k.a The Arnold series) can apparently be killed by waitresses with absolutely no training, provided they wander into one of Southern California's many *steel mills* . . . . NNNNNNNNNNEXT!
Khan -- Can apparently be killed by hammy, over-the-hill actors with absolutely no series. Wanders onto the set of "Iron Chef USA" where Shatner has him thrown into a large Vegimatic. NNNNNNNNNEXT! Oh, and get yourself some Visine for that nasty watering-eye problem, Khan.
Obi-Wan Kenobi -- Can apparently be killed by an actor who's face no one has actually seen. I mean, honestly, this olde fart didn't even survive the first Star Wars Movie, big deal. Even MARK HAMILL survived the first Star Wars Movie. NNNNNNNNNNNEXT!
Now the contest is down to three contestants who at first appear equally matched: Lecter, T, and MacGyver. But . . . MacGyver -- T and Lecter freeze MacGyver in his tracks by asking him what his first name is. While MacGyver is frozen in thought, up come a pair of, well, TWO-DIMENSIONAL characters. . . . "We're your biggest fans *cough*cough*" says Selma Bouvier, lighting an unfiltered Camel. "Yeah, heh-heh *cough*cough* how about a kiss?" asks Patty Bouvier. In their haste to get a kiss, they both unintentionally smother MacGyver to death. NNNNNNNNNEXT!
Hannibal Lecter -- He is last seen walking away from the remains of Darth Vader while inelegantly picking his teeth with a fingernail. "A little like lobster," Lecter quips, "you can't eat the shell, but the meat's delicious." Accidentally poisons himself by eating badly-prepared blowfish at the Deathstar's only sushi bar. NNNNNNEXT!
Deathstar with Stormtroopers -- Q watches as a small black pod with a red racing stripe accelerates away from the Deathstar. "Pitiful," Q thinks, vaporizing the Deathstar with a thought. "And now, to rig the Oscar voting again so that Marisa Tomei wins another one!" Suddenly, the "escape pod" lands in Q's domain. The "pod" is actually Mr. T's souped-up van, which is just as indestructable as T himself. Mr. T jumps out. "You must have your prize, I suppose," Q says casually. "Very well. Bet on the Patriots--I guarantee they'll make that last-second field goal!" But Mr. T has other plans: "No time for that jibba-jabba!" he shouts, flooring Q with one punch. "You can't physically HARM me!" Q sputters, holding his jaw in pain. "I'll reduce you to atoms for this insult!" But before Q can react, out of the van step J, K, L, Z, and David Letterman! "I pity the foo' who tries to take on the entire alphabet!" T shouts, grabbing Q and throwing him helluva far, right into Sesame Street, where he's trapped now, forced to do ads for the letter "Q." How humiliating!
Khan: HAHAHAHAHAHA! You've go to be kidding. Sure, Khan may be able to take over from the oh-so-competent crew of the Enterprise, but that's just because the Enterprise is always nice and polite to dangerous aliens. Can you see that on the death star? No. "Hi, my name's Vader, and here's the plans to take over this station!" The Death Star's idea of hospitality is unfriendly needle-wielding floating ball robots. The stormtroopers wouldn't even bother to get him out of his suspended animation. They'd just blow up his rickety little ship.
Terminator: Has more of a chance that Khan. But hey, while he might kill ten or even a hundred stormtroopers, he's got as much chance of killing fifty thousand as Britney Spears has of getting a Ph.D.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Was the only one of the contestants with experience in the Death Star, but you saw how far that got him.
Hannibal Lecter: "Hello Clarice..." "Who is this? What's your operating number?" What's he going to do anyway, eat his way out?
Mr. T: Doesn't strike me as possessing the brains to mastermind an escape into intergalactic space. And he dosen't blend in well. But he might force a draw after killing everyone aboard the Death Star, but having accidently destroyed all the escapes. But at least he can call his buddies with 1-800-COLLECT to get a ride!
MacGyver: The only one with a chance. Give enough time, he could turn off the tractor beam, incapacitate the stormtroopers, and build a starship, all with a coathanger, chewing gum, and duct tape. But he hasn't got the time, what with all those stormtroopers with the guns he's so afraid of.
Rottweiler: Death Star's weight in rottweilers? Sure. But just one? He'd just relieve himself in inconvienient places.
Deathstar with Stormtroopers: "The force can have a great influence on the weak minded." Let's face it, mentally, Q is as flaky as a burnt pop tart. Sorry, but being "infinitely more intelligent" than Picard is a low hurdle. It's only a matter of time before Vader realizes that all he has to do is take over Q's room temperature IQ mind, and shazam! He's got himself the ultamate weapon to crush the rebellion with. Stay tuned for Episode III: Attack of the Q!
- The Phantom
Mr. T barrels onto the hangar deck, throws Stormtroopers aside like rag dolls, breaks into a TIE Fighter -- and freezes up with the fear of flying he had forgotten until that moment. He is still in the back of the cockpit, fighting the heebie-jeebies, when MacGyver enters and starts hot-wiring the control panel with a disassembled Sony Walkman and his own fillings. "Hey, boy!" Freshly wracked by the prospect of flying into deep space, Mr. T snaps. His mind, grasping for sanity, instead cross-wires itself with an old Eddie Murphy routine. "You look mighty cute in them jeans." He smiles ferociously. "Now come on over here, and --" Mercifully, the Death Star explodes before the fatal proposition issues. Khan, given a crucial moment's lead when MacGyver got interrupted, flies his stolen TIE Fighter to freedom. A lucky thing Q materialized him on the same level as the hangar decks, or his two-dimensional thinking would have gotten him in some real trouble. "Free, once again," Khan exults. "Now, where might I find ... James T. Kirk?"
- Call me Shane
Obi-wan would seem to have this one down: not only does he have proven success in this same scenario, but he is the only contestant familiar with Imperial written-language and technology. Unfortunately, he is also certain to again attract the attention of Vader and friends.
Lecter is devious, but out of his element in this high-tech enviro.
So, this becomes a too-close-to-call race between the rest. My money is on the brilliant Khan, who has shown his ability to quickly understand and operate (if not master) strange technologies. One might expect him to be too egotistical to be stealthy, but recall that he secretly ruled much of the world up until the upheavals known to the public as the end of the Cold War, and years after his escape (presumably connected with one of those top-secret Dept. of Defense Shuttle missions) most of the media have never caught on!
- Matt Bricker
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