Tournament Of Champions I Responses, The Sequel

The Entreprise. Stardate 2001-a-space-odyssy: Captain Picard looks up from his cup of Earl Grey. "I've been wondering how long it would take you to show up," he says.
"Well, I'm here now. What do you want?" Says Q.
"Trust me, I'm not doing this because I like it, but I've been ordered to thank you on behalf of the Federation for blowing up that huge Borg sphere that was approaching our space."
"Ha! You think you're so smart," gloats Q, "That wasn't a Borg sphere, that was the Death Star".
"The what?" Asks Picard, momentarily taken aback.
"Oh never mind, you Frenchman with an English accent. Anyway, since you're so glad I blew it up, I'm sure you won't mind taking care of this Rottweiler, who made it off the "Borg Sphere" before it blew up? I'm sure it would keep that klingon of your good company, and it's almost housebroken. Just keep it away from Wesley, or it might decide it's time for a snack".
"How did that dog ever make it onto that "Death Star"? And how did it get off?"
"Well, it's got four legs, while all the other contestants got only two, so already it's better built to running faster. And it was by far the smartest of the contestants - if you look at the picture, you see it's the only one looking at the death star, analyzing it's challange. And finally, it was the only one smart enough to ignore the stormtroopers: The terminator kept asking everyone if they know where Sarah Conner lives, and never even tried to get out. Similarly, Hannibal got hugry on the way and decided to have storm-trooper flambe', so he never made it out on time. And Mr T - well, once he realized that being on a space ship is more or less like being on a plane, just higher, he passed out. Macgyver felt sorry for the pathetic stormtrooper's shooting skills, so he decided to show them how to build sights for their guns using needles and Mr T's jewelry, and got gunned down by the now competant troopers. Kahn - well, he was beaten twice by Bill Shatner, so how much of an opponent could he be for a Rottweiler? And finally, Obi-Wan spent the entire time looking for Darth Vader so that he could duel with him, but he didn't find him, because Vader was smart enough to realize his stormtroopers will never win and got into the first emergency pod he saw, and evacuated the death star (he didn't count for the purpose of the race, though). So how could the Rotteweiler lose?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Asks Picard.
"Oh, I doubt your inferior mind could understand it", says Q, and promptly disappears.

- Birdwatcher

First off you can count out the death star and all of its stormtroopers. i mean, just look at what happened when it went up against john mclane. this doesn't mean its wont take anyone out. Kahn will be the first to go, caught off guard by Darth Vader.the Terminator will end up repeating the question "Where is Sara (or John) Connor?", because his simple computer brain can't comprehend that fact that the Connors don't exist. Mr. T and Macgyver will join forces only to have each others ego explode, and they both proceed to dismatle the Death Star and build each other a massive war fleet to off each other. and what about Obi-wan and Hannibal Lecter? well, Obi- wan stays true to the plot, taking out the tractor beam and going out in a blaze of glory. Mean while, Hannibal is off teaching a squadron of stormtroopers the finer points of dinning, while feeding various body parts to them. So who ends up winning? the Rottweiler of course. Dogs always find their way home, no matter what. who hasn't heard a story of how a family moved across the country and their dog followed all the way. the Rottweiler hijacks the falcon and is home inside an hour.

- Joe

We all know that the "Force™" is powerful, but it is nothing compared to the "Rage™". It all comes down to whom has the "Force™" and/or the "Rage™" behind them.

Kahn: He has the "Rage™" big time, but he'll spend all his time in the Death Star™ trying to take it over so he can go after Captain Kirk again.
Terminator: Ok, he can withstand machinegun fire, but can he withstand Laser fire? I think not. He'll take out a small army of Storm Troopers, but the sheer volume of fire will hit him hard (Even storm troopers can't miss EVERY time) and he'll go down.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: He's got the "Force™", but not the "Rage™". He'll start a duel with Vader, and we all know how that will end.
Hannibal Lector: Has the "Rage™", but not the "Force™". He'll spend all his time eating Storm Troopers, and will die of food poisoning.
Mr. T: the man IS the "Rage™" and is a "Force to be reckoned with™". We all know how he can deal with armed goons, so Storm Troopers are going to be nothing new to him. The man is defiantly a top contender to get out alive.
MacGyver: This man has no chance. He may be good against terrorist and corrupt government agents, but Storm Troopers are fearless, and will run into any of his bobby-traps with out a thought for personal safety. He'll soon run out of "pinecone landmines™" and get feed to the trash compactor monster.
A Rottweiler: Second only to Mr. T when it comes to the "Rage™" stakes, the Rottweiler has one more trick up it's sleeve (if it had sleeve's, that is): First rule of Hollywood; The dog CAN NOT die. You can wipe out LA, New York, Washington, London, Paris and Moscow, but the Dog MUST live. As with Mr. T, defiantly a top contender to get out alive.
Death Star™ & Storm Troopers: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. There is no way that these guys's can win. They will stop most of the contestants, but they can't stop them all. So, for about the fifth time, Death Star™, it goes "BOOMB". So, Mr. T or Rottweiler??? I'm going to have to go with the dog, but for a good reason: Mr. T is a "Good guy™", so he won't let the dog die.

Here is what will happen: Mr. T will be just about to get into an escape-pod, when he hears the Rottweiler behind him. He turns around, and sees a pore, defenceless animal. He'll grab the Dog, place it into the Escape Pod (capacity 1), and go out in a blaze of glory, knowing he's done the right thing. Would YOU want Mr. T to save him self instead of a poor dog?? Mr. T gets my vote, but in real life, the dog lives.

- Sinister Dexter

This match is decided the moment Khan materializes on the death star. He is a paradox, a Star Trek character that Won a Grudge Match against an opponet from a different Universe. What happens next is to be expected: the Universe rejects the paradox and The Death Star is destroyed in an anti-matter explosion.

Only two people survive: Mr. T because of his Mentos Level coolness(tm) and MacGuyver Because, having defeated the entire A-Team previously, has got to have even more Mentos(tm) than Mr. T. The Mentos' coolness(tm) is cold enough to keep them from being incinerated by the blast wave long enough to hijack Vaders TIE and fly clear. You may think there is some Bad Blood(tm) between these two, but remember this isn't Clubber Lang, it's Mr. T. Since MacGuyver's a good guy Mr. T is willing to team up with him and call upon his A-Team experience to help build an Invincable Mentos Star(tm) from the debris.

First they use its Holy Power to get rid of all those nasty little terrorists on Earth then they proceed to smite all those evil alien races that want to destroy Earth and/or eat everybody, such as the Martians, Xenomorphs, and those giant cockroches from MiB. Once the Galaxy is safe The Mentos Star(tm) then goes on to destroy every evil Alien in the Universe. What follows is an eon of peace and prosperty where planets can live in harmony without fear of invasion or being blown up.

Finally, Something good to come out of a T.O.C.!!!


The Rottweiler has destroyed everyone. He is about to exit the ship,
when, all of a sudden, he hears it.
At first, he thinks it's only his imagination, but it returns, louder.
He starts to worry, walking a bit faster now, as it grows louder.
He stops dead in his tracks, looking back. It couldn't be. He'd
killed them all, he'd seen every last one die.
He starts hearing more of them, and more, and louder, too.
"yip yip yip yip"
He listens until it becomes a booming thunder, and the deathstar
begins to quake!


He begins to run, starting only seconds after seeing the massive wave
of chihuahuas rushing toward him.


He's almost to the escape pod when the wave finally catches up to
him, eating him in seconds. He knew they'd come back for
revenge. They always do. He just hadn't expected it quite yet. So,
the chihuahuas become the first non winning competitor
Tournament of Champions winner.

- Spooner

Tough match, and as always with the Tournament of Champions (old school, fool!) this is will be broken up into how each of the contestants will die So... We all know that the deathstar/stormtroopers won't win. Mostly becasue they never win. Let's face it, the Deathstar itself really doesn't do any good. It's basically just a big maze that the other seven have to find their way through. And the Stormtroopers...don't get me started about the Stormtroopers. They couldn't hit the broad side of a barn...

...However, since it has been proven that the Stormtroopers can't hit easy targets, it stands to reason (through reverse logic) that they can hit small, quick targets. No, the Ewoks don't count, because they were small and slow. Therefore, the smallest, fastest target is bound to get shot to death by the Stormtroopers. The poor, poor Rottweiler is blown away by a team of crack-shot troopers. Next to go is Khan, who has no idea what's going on. Poor bastard, can't deal with reality. He falls in a pit, or something. Oh well, sucks for you. (Outside Note: I don't like Khan, can you tell?) MacGuyver, despit his ability to save himself and the Girl of the Week (TM) using only his trusty pants, is a bit out of his league here. Despite using clever, hastily-thrown-together disguises to hide from everyone, and using his trusty piece of string, duct tape, and salmon to subdue all the guards and avoid the deathtraps, is killed when a Stormtrooper fires at Mr. T and hits him instead. That'll show him... going around wearing Stormtrooper uniforms. That's like asking to get killed. Mr. T will make it to an escape pod, but will suddenly overcome with the urge to dial 1-800-COLLECT. Why? Because Mr. T pity the foo' who don't dial 1-800-COLLECT. Unfortunately, pushing those buttons initiates the self-destruct sequence. Bye bye, Mr. T. (Outside Note: Mr. T, please don't kill me...)

Left now are Obi-Wan, Hannibal Lector, and the Terminator. Obi-Wan seems like the obvious win choice, because he's done all this before. However, he only made it on. The whole 'escaping' thing is a bit beyond his reach. He'll inevitably come across Darth Vader (again...), and be cut down the middle and disappear (again...). predictable. Now, Terminator and Hannibal Lector, after all this time, will have found each other. Both being villains (this is the FIRST Terminator we're talking about least it likes like it from the picture.) they will do as only villains can do: form an alliance to escape together, with plans to kill each other later. The Terminator allies himself, because he must kill John Connor. Hannibal allies himself he wants to. Yeah. Anyways, Hannibal tries to kill Termy first, bites his face, and breaks his teeth. The Terminator then tears him in half. Leaving the Terminator alone to get out before he's killed...yeah, right. We're talking about a freaking unstoppable (well, almost) robot, here. Terminator walks straight through the outer hull of the Death Star, and floats around in space for a thousand years until he comes into contact with another planet, populated, to his dismay, by millions of teddy bears in leather hats. He destroys the planet and spends the next eternity rusting. Blah! So in the end, everyone dies, and Q blows up the Deathstar. Unfortunately, it's the wrong point in time to prevent Episode II, and all of humanity suffers. The End

- Brought to you by the bad mood of...duh duh duh...Rob Shadow

Star Trek Must Lose. Therefore, Q will be deprived of his fun when all of the fighters agree to just get along.

- Affy

You b*****d's... how in Hotbranch!'s name am I going to decide this one? Hmmm...

1) "Look, an animal!" *laser blast* "Ooh, look: a nice new black and orange pelt!" Rottweiler: Toast. As much as i'd like to see this supposedly viscious animal run through miles of corridors, get into a shuttle and fly away, its not going to happen. Had it been a Rottweiler Vs a Rottweiler's weight in Stormtroopers then maybe... but not today.

2) "You're gonna git me again, sucka!" Mr T: Eventually toast... McGyver has beaten the whole A-Team in one go (a travesty of justice but i'm having to go on past results, here). So Mr "i'm in Stargate SG-1 dontcha know" survives a bit longer

3) "I will eat your liver with..." *laser blast* *Thudd* Hannibal: (who thought of this guy here?) Sneaky, yes. Scary, perhaps on his own turf. The men in white are not Ray Liota... as they have armour. One shot and its Hannibal Schmannibal.

4) "What is this strange new ship...with such a powerful weapon... With it i could..." *deep, armoured breathing* *Zummmm* *Swish* *Thudd* Khan: A good mind, a strong Klingon and vicious too. He's a sci-fi creation too so he's not phased like most of the others... but gets killed (by Vader in the command centre) trying to take over the Death Star so he can blast the Enterprise into chunky salsa.

6) "Hasta la vista, baby" Terminator: Kills McGyver... no questions asked. Us soccer hooligans had never even heard of this guy so automatically he gets toasted by someone we love. T-100 rips the guy in two and goes on to the shuttlebay to meet:

7) "Use the force, Puke... er Luke" Obi-Wan Kenobi: This is a real face off. Mr 'All go no quit' Cyborg versus an old guy with a strip light. And magical powers. Uh oh. Obi-Wan has more than a cutting edge. He knows the Imperial Technology, its HIS universe for Hotbranch!'s sake. He is where he should be. With a simple application of the force, T-100 is on the other side of the room... the lightsabre deals with any shotgun- pistol-minigun-grenades fired at him and off he goes into the deep velvet of space... leaving Arnie to be melted, or blown out into space in his metallic form for a rematch at some point in the future. (I make it soooo easy for you guys)

- Si (Footballius Hooliganus)

I was thinking about this one, and I had two thoughts. One of them was, "Which of these combatants would you be most fearful of if you met them in real life?" The other was, "If you were in a movie, which of these things would you be most unwilling to fight?" Then I thought to myself, "Self, why do you keep calling yourself you, instead of me (or I)?" And then I started to drool and shake, and the nice men in the white suits came and gave me my "Hug Me" jacket. Anyway, that's neither here nor there...

the answer to both of my queries was the Rottweiler. Khan is a joke. MacGyver is, in essence, a high school chemistry teacher. Obi-Wan is a good guy. I recently saw Ah-nold on Fox Sports prior to the Rams-Eagles game, and he looked like a midget. (This brings to mind a favorite line of mine from the masters of song, The Bloodhound Gang: "Life's short and hard, like a body-building elf." I digress.) So the Terminator is out. We all know what a joke the Death Star and Stormtroopers are. While Lecter is a killer, he seems too much like a gay grandfather to inspire fear. This leaves a rottweiler and Mr. T. While Mr. T does possess Mentos (tm)-level coolness and is perhaps one of the great pop culture figures of the 1980's, he does not have what I most fear from a rottweiler (also possessed by the rabbit guarding the cave in Monty Python and the Holy Grail): big, sharp, nasty, pointy teeth.

- Adam B.

Ok, much as I HATE voting for a dog, this time the Rotweiller wins! Having the keenest sense of smell, the dog will quickly sniff out the garbage chute, fall in, as he chases the scent of decomposing leftovers waiting to be eaten, and be off the Death Star with the next big dumping. So, while all the others are busy schemeing or fighting amongst themselves, the dog wins due to it's non-sentient primal instinct, and fully empty belly.

- Cat (disgusted at being forced to aid the enemy)

They're near the center of the Death Star, which means that they are approximately... let's see... 50 miles from the surface. According to the Star Wars Technical Commentaries, the population of the first Death Star is probably in the low billions. So 50 miles through at least a billion Imps that know what is going on and cannot allow the intruders to escape (unlike the crew of a certain starship with a homing beacon aboard). It ain't happenin'. If nothing else, the corridors will be so packed with the bodies of stormies and other Imperial cannon fodder that they can't move upwards to escape (to paraphrase Bart "We'll stop them or we'll choke the corridors with our dead!"). After a few months of this, Q will get bored and declare Vader the winner so he can use the losers for the inevitable Grudge Match Tournament Of Losers (I hear the Predator is an early favorite...).

- Ubiq - It's the Ulysses Grant Theory of Victory Through Ungodly Casulties.

Not really a hard choice, considering that on this site, a vote for anyone other than Mr T is a wasted vote. Fortunately, T realises that he has a grossly unfair advantage, and honourably bows out of the contest like a true sportsman, leaving the competition wide open for Kenobi.

- Groundskeeper Scotty

Mr. T steps forward, and slams his fist into the terminator's jaw, breaking evry finger. The Terminator grabs his other hand, twists it into an impossible position, and breaks the man's neck. By now, Lector has killed and eaten the Rottweiler and MacGuyver, and is wearing Khan's skin as a leisure suit. Obi-wan brandishes his light saber; however a fleet of stormtroopers corners him, and he becomes distracted. The Terminator has entered the control room, and cut the power to the death star. Meanwhile, Obi-wan uses the force to guide him in dispatching the miserably incompetant stormtroopers. But he does not notice Lector creeping up behind him. Once he has slaughtered the old man, Lector picks up his light saber. By now, the Terminator has killed several troopers and is packing several laser rifles. They meet in the power generator room.

Terminator blasts away, using his night vision to track the agile doctor. The room is filled with cascading sparks and small explosions. When the dust settles, the Terminator finds himself alone. He scans the entire room for Lector, but can't find him. Terminator hears a faint buzz behind him, and as he turns, the thrusting lightsaber is the last thing his optical processors register. Lector pulls his weapon from the smoking hole in the Terminator's head. He then proceeds to slice open the organic part of the cyborg's chest. Pulling back the skin reveals a small red display. Flashing digits show a "2", a "1",and finally "you're screwed". Lector has time to look up and sigh before the miniature nuclear warhead in the Terminator's chest detonates. It sets off the chain reaction that Luke's torpedoes were supposed to have started. However this time, Vader is still aboard the ship. He sees readouts showing the rapid demolishion if his pride and joy. And just before disintegrating in a burst of flame he screams: "NOW I CAN'T COME BACK IN A SEEEEEQUELLLLLLLL!" Winner: I couldn't decide... so nobody.

- sPeciAL eD

In the previous TOC,Charge Man said that all the TOC contestants answer to some stereotypes. Well, I just wanna point out to which stereotype each contestant answer,and how that will affect the outcome:

-The Character Of College Graduate/the Nerd(Spock in TOC IV,James Bond's Q in TOC V and Doctor Evil in TOC VI):Definetly MacGuyver.I mean,this guy can make a thermonuclear bomb out of spray paint and toothpaste.According to Charge Man,hunkier characters take the day.He's out.

-The Dark Cloaked Evil Entity(Death/Grim Reaper in TOC IV,Darth Maul in TOC V and Emperor Palpatine in TOC VI):Well,Obi-Wan Kenobi wears a cloak.Problem is,neither the cloak is dark,nor he is evil.Anyway,you got lemons,make Jedi lemonade.Charge Man says the Cloaked Entity must be taken out by a smaller being.He will be able to take out a few Stormtroopers,but he won't hold a candle against the Rottweiler.

-The Relativetly Weaker Underdog Character That Still Manages To Take Out Another Guy Or Two(the English Soccer Hooligans in TOC IV,Dilbert [TM]in TOC V and Stephen Hawkings in TOC VI):This one's the Rottweiler.I mean,he's a fricking DOG,for christ sake!He will beat the crap outta the Stormtroopers and Kahn,but he will meet defeat at the hands of Hannibal Lecter/Lector.

-The Black-Suited Badass(the Men In Black in TOC IV,the Blues Brothers in TOC V and Mad Max in TOC VI):100% Terminator.However,Charge Man thinks the Black-Suited Badass only apealls to machists,and hence cannot win.He's knocked out cold

-The Ostracized Super-Entity Among Which Various Rumours Are Spred About Them(Godzilla in TOC IV,Michael Keaton's Batman in TOC V and the X-Men in TOC VI):That's hard,but I think Obi-Wan fits better in here.I mean,remember the beggining of"A New Hope"?He's the perfect Ostricized Super-Entity,always recluded and with legends preceeding him.However Charge Man says that,since people are afraid of what they can't understand,a Osticized Entity can't win without shocking everyone.He's out.

-The Wisecracker(the Mystery Science Theathre 3000 robots in TOC IV,the Tick in TOC V and the Joker in TOC VI):Obviously,this is Hannibal Lector/Lecter("I am giving VERY serious thoughts...about eating your wife").The Wisecracker won in TOC IV,so he's one of the finalists.

-The Man Of Action(Bobba Fett in TOC IV,Duke Nukem in TOC V and Jackie Chan in TOC VI):Anyone who has EVER seen"The A-Team"knows this one's Mr T.The Man Of Action won in TOC VI,so he's another finalist.

-The Competitor With Moral Rules Different From Most Others(Monthy Python's King Arthur and his knights[pronounced kniggets]in TOC IV,Yoda in TOC V and Hobbes in TOC VI):Yep,he's Hannibal Lecter/Lector ("The man covets what he sees every day...").The Competitor With Moral Rules won in TOC V,so he's the other finalist. I'm been hurried, so it's up to you who decide who will win:Lecter/Lector or Mr T.

- Tyler Durden(I hate being in a hurry when I'm writing responses...)

Call me cynical... but there's no way that Mr. T could be using his status to stuff the ballot box, is there?

- smart_guy39

Let's see here, 3 good guys, 3 dastardly villians, a cute fuzzy-wuzzy dog, all versus the Pride of the Empire. Mr. T. and MacGyver, after a little inital hostility from their previous Grudge Match will combine their awesome mechanical knowlege to sabotage their way across the Death Star, and along the way, meeting and being assisted by a group of Imperials who are secretly spies for the Rebellion. The T-800 unfortunately ended up in the droid maintence bay, and was reprogrammed to sweep floors. Dr. Lecter easily kills an Imperial officer, and wearing the man's uniform and face, calmly proceeds to one of the hangars. Khan's weakness of two-dimenisonal thinking keeps circling the same floor, not understanding the concept of turbolifts. Obi-wan gets busy doing his job, taking out tractor beams, and focusing all of Vader's attention on him. The Rottweiler spots a mouse droid and promptly gives chase.

Guided by their new found friends, Mr. T. and MacGyver reach the hangar at the same time as Hannibal Lecter. Infuriated at this psycho's use of Hannibal's name, Mr. T. summons up The Rage (tm), and battle commences. During the fight, one of the Rebel spies discovers that the Death Star is about to attack Yavin 4, and rapidly encourages an end to the fight. Lecter is knocked unconsious and firmly tied up (as neither MacGyver or Mr. T. is allowed to kill anyone) and left in a closet. The group boards a shuttle, and just before the doors close, the Rottweiler leaps aboard. The shuttle takes off, and as it clears the docking bay, Q blows the station up. Some farmboy from a backwater planet gets credit for the kill.

- Kanashimi

This one came down to who is going to stay under the radar the best. Now, a rotweiller and a black man are just too obvious. Khan I just don't think has it in him. He'll be stalking about the place hissing "KIIIIIIRKKKKK!" the whole time. And Vader can just use his Spid...uh, I mean, Jedi senses and will gravitate towards Ben faster than Shaggy does to the Scooby snacks. Arnie also has to be eliminated. If he's cornered by the Stormtroopers, he won't be happy with just getting away; he'll have to attack them all, and I think that eventually, they'll just be too many to cope with.

Which leaves us with Hannibal and MacGyver. Hannibal doesn't "deal" with people en masse. Mac, though, routinely defeats five, six, seven bad guys at a time. Also, he's not into killing, and will be satisfied with knocking everyone unconscious; I don't think Hannibal will.

Mac and his retro hairstyle by a nose.

- Ace!

It all comes down to personal motivations. Khan will spend time overthrowing Vader and subjugating the storm troopers. Terminator will be bent on destroying all storm troopers looking for the one named Sarah Conner. Obi-Wan will sacrifice himself to help someone else get away. Hannibal will want to eat storm troopers (crunchy outside, tender inside). Mr. T flips some kind of motorized vehicle, and whups up on some storm troopers. Rottweilers will tear into anything...including storm troopers. Storm troopers are...well, basically incompetant. That leaves McGyver as the only contestant not interested in wasting his time on storm troopers. Ergo, he gets away by hot wiring Vader's t.i.e. fighter by using a ball point pen and an old gummi bear.

- FerrisFanMark

The Terminator would surely win. The reasoning behind this is simple. MacGyver and Mr. T are old rivals, and both are quite adept at getting out of tight situations, except they need a lot of time and preperation. and their Theme Music tm. Since The Imperial March is the only music allowed on the Death Star, they will be severly hampered. Khan, overcome by his obsession to find and kill Kirk, will no doubt actually attempt to take over the Death Star and use it to his own means. In any case he'll be going in deeper rather than trying to get out, hoping to kill Kirk before the thing explodes. Hannibal Lecter will be hampered by his desire to prove he is the smartest, and will come closest to winning, but will be derailed at the last minute when he stops to kill Grand Moff Tarkin, remove his face and wear it as a disguise to steal Tarkins evacuation transport, then be killed by the guards as Tarkin never runs away. ("Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.) The rottwiler, not understanding the game will simply run off looking for dinner. Obi Wan will go out in a blaze of glory trying to deactivate the tractor beam and save the others from the explosion.

The Terminator however, will first off, kill an imperial officer and take his clothing. As we know, the stormtroopers never question anyone in an Imperial uniform. He will then quickly access the computers (ie. when the T-1000 used the police car computer to find John Connor) to see that Sarah Connor is not aboard. He will then locate the nearest shuttle and leave the Death Star, enusring it's distruction, only to be reprogrammed by Boba Fett to find Han Solo. His ace in the hole is that Vader can sense the presence of living things. Terminators, while having living flesh, are computers and not easily detectable.

- G - Man

Here's how the scenario plays out: MacGyver is the first to die. Khan, if you remember, defeated Lex Luthor in a previous Grudge Match (TM), and Luthor was the man who, as Steve (TM) pointed out, "single-handedly masterminded a plot to sink California into the ocean [and] discovered Superman's origin and the effect of Kryptonite on him." In a battle of wits, Luthor is clearly not an unarmed opponent, and for Khan to defeat him in such a battle requires even more awe-inspiring mental prowess. That acumen, combined with the power of THE RAGE (TM), makes him the most dangerous human in the Tournament of Champions (TM). But Khan's RAGE (TM) is directed at James T. Kirk, and Kirk is not in the Tournament, so Khan will do what any genetically-enhanced prince from Earth would do in such a case: kill the mother@#$%&* who looks most like Kirk. In this case, MacGyver. Khan drops one of his brainwashing slug-like creatures into MacGyver's ear (MacGyver naturally doesn't fight back, because he's a pansy) and, when the creature has control of MacGyver, Khan orders him to cave his skull in by watching a twenty-four-hour Teletubbies marathon on the holoprojector. Bye bye Mac.

Since the Terminator can only hunt one target at a time, he's been programmed to kill the most dangerous human in the Tournament. Wandering through the lower levels of the Death Star (the kind that James Cameron would illuminate with red "emergency" lights if he were directing), Khan and Termie encounter each other. Khan's superior logical skills tell him that the controlling chip of a cyborg designed by humans would be located in the head. Although the machine shoots him several times, Khan's superhuman constitution and near Mentos-level coolness (TM) protect him until he can, with subtle application of his brilliant analytical skills, bash the Terminator's CPU into a mangled, twisted hunk of metal, thereby "killing" it. Khan makes a gamely effort to continue, but his injuries soon overcome him. Double sayonara. Mr. T and Obi-Wan Kenobi, meanwhile, have made a pact to neutralize the Death Star's menace. To that end, Mr. T beats the crap out of every Stormtrooper in the whole bloody station, and Obi-Wan shuts down all the tractor beams. They reach an escape shuttle, and are promptly blown up when Mr. T attempts to start its engines.

And then there was one... You see, they had forgotten the wild card in this match, the man of such overwhelming intellect that it cannot be measure by any psychological tests: Dr. Hannibal Lecter. While the other competitors were foolishly wasting their efforts in destroying each other, Dr. Lecter talked to the Emperor's personal guards until they swallowed their own tongues, and spent the next several hours convincing Emperor Palpatine that it would be a wonderful idea to replace Darth Vader as Palpatine's right-hand man. The Emperor may be immune to Ye Olde Jedi Mind Trick (TM), but he can be persuaded by seemingly reasonable arguments that are actually thinly-disguised plots to destroy him (just like anyone else). By the next day (what? There's no time limit on Grudge Matches (TM)!), Dr. Lecter has talked Palpatine into killing himself. However, he does not take over as the new emperor, preferring instead to spend his days as sole inhabitant of the Death Star perusing the vast Imperial libraries and listening to classical music on the Death Star's KILLER sound system. Hey, Imperial troops like to get funky, too.

P.S.: Did I forget that stupid dog? It annoyed Hannibal so much, chewing his pants leg and peeing on his patent leather shoes, he blew it out of the airlock five seconds after the match started. Q decided not to blow up the Death Star, as the rottweiler was dead, and therefore could not claim victory.

- The Scorpion

The stormtroopers areclearly going to be able to clear up all the humanoids on board (especially with Vader's help). However the Imperial army have always had a blind spot when it comes to non- humans (or at least those who don't appear human). They managed to get ambushed by Ewoks for goodness sake! The rottwieler will probably be mistaken for some new type of droid by the stormtroopers while Vader will be standing around saying: "I sense a deep desire for dog biscuits...... Damn! I must be picking up interference from Canine FM." The rottwieler wins paws down.

- The Pancake Man

Well lets think this through shall we. Khan loses straight away as the stormtroopers kill him of. Now Hannible has a brief run in with Mr T. Mr T dies messy and v. evil death. For ruining universe wide wrestling stormtroopers knock Hannible out of the running. MacGyver has nasty incedent with the rottweiler. Rottweiler mauls Macgyver in ensuring struggle. Terminator mistakes Rottweiler as Princess Leia Organa Solo and shoots the poor we doggie. Och. The Terrminator and Obi Wan Kenobi have very evil face off. Obi Wan deflects Terminator lasers and does lightsaber ballet and takes out the Terrminator. Now Obi Wan had almost escaped before but didn't make it. He runs for the brightly lit exit signs, trips, stumbles, falls of bridge and dies. No one gets off. Death Star lives on. Stormtroopers don't care really. To busy read Yoda Porn! Galaxy safe. Mike v. sad!

- Jaina Baggins (Supreme Overlord of anything Ringish)

Well, Well, Well... seems like a difficult decision, until we play the competitors against each other Mortal Kombat Style?. Obviously before anything else, Obi-Wan will hunt down Vader. After Old Ben does a little Jedi Mind Trick on some stormtroopers he'll know Vader's location and make a beeline there like Robert Downey Jr. to Happy Hour. When Obi-Wan opens the door to Vader's chamber he finds Darth staring intently at a video screen. Our Jedi Knight decapitates Vader stealthily from behind and then falls dead of shock, the severed head falling away to reveal Anakin's Video Cyber-Sex terminal and a crusty old naked Queen Amadala, wearing a black cape and {edited for content} with an old light saber.

With Darth Vader gone we know that the Death Star doesn't have a chance with only Stormtroopers left to defend it.

Meanwhile, the other contestants are pairing up and bearing off rather quickly. Hannibal gets hungry and eats the Rottwieler, spiced with some Italian extra virgin olive oil and head cheese. Mr. T turns the corner and says, "I pity the fool that ate my Fluffy!!". Empowered by The Rage™, Mr. T kills and eats Hannibal Lector, spiced with some milk and cookies.

Elsewhere, The Terminator and Khan have met up. Kahn tries to smooth talk his way around Ahnald, but before he opens his mouth, the Terminator blows him away with a pump-action sawed-off shotgun, and says, "Hasta la Vista, Conner." With his dying breath Khan says, "Who?"

MacGyver comes out of the air-vent and lands on the T-800's back. Prying the Pseudo-Skin™ off Shwartz's neck with his trusty pocketknife, MacGyver reprograms the Terminator in 3.1 seconds, using bubblegum and earwax for electrical solder.

MacGyver riding piggyback, makes a mad dash for the nearest airlock, and meets Mr.T in the corridor just outside. The Terminator lets loose with all his guns, but all the bullets are ineffective -- Mr.T's gold chains deflect them all like bullet-proof Kevlar! He takes a full right hook at the Cyborg and the clank of metal on metal resounds as Mr. T's fist hits Arnie's face. The two clank and crash at each other repeatedly, both immovable and indestructible.

MacGyver, using leftover parts from Vader's mechanical body, constructs a field-radio and calls in the U.S. Marines for a Non-combatant Evacuation Outside Global Emergency Operation (NEO-GEO™). The Jarheads rescue Mac, vacate the Deathstar, it explodes, and the rest is history.

- GrOUnDZer0

Some of you may be surprised at the selection of the elder Kenobi as a winner, but there is precedent in the Grudge Match archives that suggest a definite Kenobi advantage. In a previous match, Kenobi actually tried to duel Vader, and in a shocking upset, slayed him. I would ask if it is a possibility that the match referred to would be in fact a confrontation between an escaping Kenobi and Vader in the course of this match, but to debate the ramifications of such a question could be the one thing that pushes the Grudge Match staff over the edge, and that is something nobody wants to be held responsible for. It also helps that Kenobi is the only one of the contestants that knows how to operate equipment in the Star Wars universe. Kind of difficult to escape when you can't find the "on" switch to the commandeered TIE fighter.

- Sparty

Lector on a technicality. Not entirely on his own merits, but mostly 'cause no one else has a chance. The others all lack a certain... je ne se smarts. The Terminator's job is terminating... he'll be too busy killing things to bother escaping. He just plain hasn't been programmed to care if he lives or dies. Kenobi's 0-1 when it comes to escaping the Death Star, and I doubt he'll act any differently this time he's got another golden opportunity to get dusted by Vader. Mr. T and MacGuyer lack the knowledge of spacecraft to escape. OK, so MacGuyver could probably figure it out, or build his own, unless the Term kills him first, but he has HOCKEY HAIR, an immediate disqualification. Mr. T will be too busy telling Stormtroopers to drink their milk and, failing that HE'S AFRAID TO FLY. And for anyone who says one can't technically "fly" in Zero G's: In the Star Wars universe spaceships both crash and make bank turns like there's gravity in space (See Lucas' Rules of Astronomy, the one where "parsec" is a measure of time, not distance.), it IS flying, and there fear will be there in spades.

Vader and Stormtroopers... please. All the contestants are well accustomed to being chased by gangs, mobs, thugs and/or peace officers. Stormtroopers are accustomed to getting their plastic asses kicked. Vader will be distracted by Obi-Wan indescently exposing his Best Actor Oscar (tm) at him. The only viable answers are Khan and Lector, and Lector would win that fight. Khan gets underlings to do most of his heavily lifting while he's busy dressing up like Cher. Tattoo will be a non-factor. He got beat up my Roger Moore, anyway (the penultimate indignity. Being beaten up by Timothy Dalton is the ultimate indignity.) Annnnny way...... Lector's basically the devil, (charming, sophisticated, essentially godless, lulls your defenses down by harping on your weakness, then strikes) and the devil is also a Rottweiler (see The Omen Rule of Evil Pets). So Lector is really two contestants. Combine their swift killing power with Lector's intelligence, and I'm willing to bet he's classily strolling off in some shuttlecraft before Mr. T can remind us that fava beans are an excellent source of vitamin B.

- Non-migratory swallow

Relying on his life sensing abilities, Vader never does find...The Terminator. Pure logical programming allows the Terminator to discover that droids are largely ignored on this space station. He therefore strips himself of his flesh and freely walks to a hanger bay. Since this all takes time, and he is careful to avoid discovery, it isn't until the Death Star is being attacked by a measely bunch of X-Wings and Y-Wings that the cyborg climbs aboard a shuttle craft and takes off. With the only surviving contestant flying away, Q orchestrates a bizarre chain of events and guides Luke's Photon Torpedo into the heart of the Death Star, thus blowing it up! And, Vader escapes, as Q predicted.

- Thromm

Simple logic shows us that Mr.T's victory is inevitable. You see, there are only 2 scenarios possible :
1)Mr.T has his 1982 Custom GMC Van(TM)
2)Mr.T doesn't have is 1982 Custom GMC Van(TM)

If Mr.T does have his van,then it's not even a contest, it's a massacre. Mr.T gets out of the Death Star(TM) in about .6 seconds because, as we all know, DAMN his van is fast! He would just drive straight through the Death Star to an easy victory.

If Mr.T does not have his van, then he'll just build one. I mean, the Death Star is just chalk full of metal and wire and other parts that Mr.T can use to make a new van. Mr.T would just start ripping the place apart until he had enough material to work with. And just in case he didn't have a blow torch, he'd just wreck first stormtrooper to come along and the stormtroopers gun would be used as a welding device. Impossible you say? Well, have you ever seen an episode of The A-Team? CASE CLOSED!

- Living Legend

The Deathstar has no doggy door; the Rottweiler is trapped. The Terminator is a Droid and will feel right at home. So will Hannibal Lector, having finally found an empire that can appreciate his talents. Khan will either join the empire or die; and Obi-Wan, well we all know what happened -last- time he tried to escape the Deathstar, don't we? Mr T's friends in the A-Team aren't there to help him; he'll get traped in a trash compactor, and have no droid to call to turn the thing off. Deathstar wins.

- Le Messor

Khan would be obsessed with hijacking the Death Star and going in Search of Captain Kirk. The Terminator would be searching vainly for phone books the whole time, while occasionally asking passing Storm Troopers if they knew Sarah Connor. Obi, still preoccupied with turning off tractor beams, and possessed of a strange desire to keep playing the "outgassing" trick on unsuspecting Storm Troopers, would lose valuable time to his opponents before finally just disappearing when confronted by a painting of Darth Vader. Hannibal Lecter free on a space station of multiple thousands? Can you say all you can eat buffet? Unless he brought some Pepto I don't think he'll make it to the exit. Mr. T would be too busy pushing that annoying 1-800-COLLECT to all his newfound customers to worry about escaping the Death Star. A Rottweiler, like all dogs when confronted with large shiny objects, would attempt to urinate on as much square footage as possible. Soon dehydrated he would look for replenishment in the garbage compactor and soon be eaten by the unnamed beast lurking within. So, the obvious choice must be MacGyver, the only person without an agenda.

- Kilvain

The rottweiler wins this one. Fighting dozens of little dogs is much more dangerous than fighting stormtroopers. He knows how to take on lots of weaker enimies at once. If video games have taught me anything, it's that whoever wins a fight outnumbered 20 to 1 is the hero, and the hero's always win.

- -The Voice of Reason

In a match like this, it is essential for all participants to remain true to themselves. With that in mind, we can start with this much: the Death Star, Obi-Wan, the Terminator, and Khan lose every time. It's just how they operate.

So that leaves us with Hannibal Lecter, Mr. T, MacGyver, and the rottweiler. Lecter's nature is such that he'll seem to have been killed, only to call Clarice once things have died down. MacGyver will only succeed in a grand escape (which will basically consist of foraging for cable) if he can somehow make a socially-conscious difference in the process. And the rottweiler is simply not smart enough to make for the escape pods.

Which leaves us with Mr. T: after 20 years, still beloved by the masses, and the embodiment of all that is good and noble about America. With the "A-Team" music blaring in the background, he'll plow through wave after wave of stormtroopers, punching their helmets off and tossing them over the rails. As the escape pod clears the Death Star and narrowly misses being caught in the explosion, he'll look back and say: "That's what happens when you mess with America, fool!"

Freeze frame
Cue theme music
Roll credits

- Lou the Inscrutable

The current grudge-match is, first and foremost, a free-for-all challenge developed by Star Trek's relentlessly obnoxious Q. All of his reality-manipulating power is devoted to demoralization. This means, even if Khan, the Terminator, Mr. T, MacGyver, Rottweiler, or the members of the Empire should overwhelm all the other contestants, Q will intervene. The Terminator operates under its programming. Rottweiler, as far as Q will be concerned, only behaves according to its animal appetites or, according to Marjorie Knoller, steroid-lesbian interspecies-lust. In the case of Khan, Mr. T, MacGyver, and members of the Empire, merely thwarting their goals will accomplish the required demoralization, as they for the most part are single-mindedly devoted to their adopted conventions. This leaves Obi-Wan Kenobi, the surviving member of an order of mythic, supernatural knights, and Hannibal Lecter, who is as pure as Moby-Dick is white.

The advantage of the match is then Kenobi's, as his best hope apparently is to somehow pit the indomitable will of Hannibal Lecter against the Bottomless Cup of Power,™ Q. Unfortunately, Kenobi is also the man who thought he was bad-ass for throwing a duel to become a ghost that says, "Use the Force, Luke!" and who would have doomed the galaxy if Skywalker had taken his advice to kill Darth Vader. Match will then go to Hannibal Lecter, who will be leaving the Death Star wearing an Obi-Wan mask (made from real Obi-Wan).

- Mike Leung

Mr. T is tough, in fact, helluva tough, but he's not tough enough to beat the Terminator. Hasta La Vista...

Voice from behind Tristan..."Shut up, foo'! Mr. T's bad enough to kick Arnold's @$$, and yours too. So quit your jibber- jabbering"
Oh shit! I think i just pissed off Mr. T
"He's going to murderize you"
Tristan gets thrown into low earth orbit

- Tristan

I voted for MacGuyver because...OH, COME ON! If the guy can make a fusion reactor out of 5 cans of Spam(tm), a 9V battery , string and duct tape, Imagine what he could do with all the stuff lying around the Death Star(tm)! After building a Stargate(tm) out of Stormtrooper helmets and a lightsaber, he'll be chillin' with Mr.T at home just in time to see the Death Star(tm) blow up (what, you think I'll let the Patron Saint of Grudge Match(tm) die? You're outta yo' damn mind!!)

- Lord Cobrafire - Prince Of Bastards

As we learned from Star Wars, there are a couple of things involved in getting off the Death Star: (1) The tractor beam must be turned off. (2) You have to somehow avoid the Storm Troopers. Where did our heros run into trouble? When they tried to directly face down the Storm Troopers -- i.e. sneaky is better. So... Khan, Terminator, Mr. T: All not sneaky. They will charge directly into the Storm Troopers, and even if though they won't be massacred immediatly, they will certainly be slowed down by having to wade through all the bodies. The Rottweiler: Not sneaky, and also incapable of either turning off the tractor beam or piloting a ship. Obi-Wan: Sneaky, but has a bad track record of getting off the Death Star alive. This leaves Hannibal and MacGuyver. Hannibal is very sneaky, and would probably be able to get off the Death Star first except for his secret weakness: shellfish. All those Storm Troopers running around in their little white shells, so succulent and juicy on the inside, I think Hannibal will definitely have to stop for a snack, and MacGuyver will make it off the Death Star first in a ship built from spare 'droid parts.

- SidekickSeven

Khan, as proven in Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan, can't think three-dimensionally. He only understands forward, backward, left and right. He just doesn't get the whole up and down thing. While he's running forward, backward, left and right through the halls of the Death Star, trying to escape the hordes of Stormtroopers, he'll eventually come to a dead end hallway with only two modes of escape: a ventilation shaft in the ceiling and a turbolift. Khan, having no conception of up and down, will be trapped. The Stormtroopers will close in and easily overtake him. As observed in the Terminator films, the Terminator is immune to bullets. They bounce right off. However, when shot with high tech lasers, such as Stormtrooper blasters, the Terminator series robot is instantly destroyed. As we have also observed from the Terminator movies, the Terminator's only tactic is to walk steadily forward, shooting everything in its path. It does not dodge, and it usually walks in a straight line. So, I see the Terminator killing the first two Stormtroopers, picking up their blaster rifles, and walking down the hallway, blowing everything to Kingdom Come. Then, one Stormtrooper gets one shot in, and the Terminator is blown to smithereens. But, you say, Stormtroopers are terrible shots. They'd never be able to hit the Terminator. That's not true. The Terminator, as we've seen in the films, always gets hit. In fact, it's a central part of its battle strategy to take a lot of hits and dishearten its foes with a relentless assault. This tactic fails, however, when put up against opponents like Stormtroopers, who are armed with blasters. The Terminator goes down.

Mr. T? Gimme a break! Without the rest of the A-Team, Mr. T. is just a big guy with gold chains. Okay, he's huge and ridiculously strong. He could easily overpower dozens of Stormtroopers with sheer brute force and make it to the docking bay. However, as we've seen from the A-Team, Mr. T. is afraid to fly! The only way he can get on a plane, let alone a starship, is by drinking drugged milk and being carried aboard. He tries to call the rest of the A-Team, using 1-800-COLLECT, but they won't accept his call. Not knowing what else to do, Mr. T. will drug his own milk and fall unconscious. But without the rest of the A-Team (or his animated team of plucky teenage gymnasts), there's no one to put him on the ship. I pity the fool! The Rottweiler is a dog. Dogs don't know how to fly starships. The Rottweiler gets to the docking bay, but can't escape. It is trapped and helpless.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Jedi. Jedi are awesome. Obi-Wan could easily defeat all the Stormtroopers, kill all the other contestants, disable the tractor beam and escape in a shuttle. However, Jedi are also honorable and prone to self-sacrifice. This means that not only will Kenobi not kill the other contestants, but he'll sacrifice himself to save the helpless Rottweiler and Mr. T. MacGuyver is a mechanical genius. While everyone else is wasting their time getting to the docking bay to find a ship, MacGuyver will sneak into a supply closet and make a ship out of a pen, a paper plate and an old sneaker. He will then fly away as the Deathstar explodes. Or will he? Hannibal Lecter is a brilliant psychologist. He will find MacGuyver and use his keen wit and power of persuasion to convince Mac to let him hitch a ride in his ship. Then, while Mac's back is turned, Dr. Lecter will jump Mac from behind, stab him to death with some implement found on the hastily constructed spacecraft, smile as the blood splatters on his face, and fly away while dining on MacGuyver's brains sauteed in a light mushroom sauce. Hannibal Lecter: 1, Everyone Else: 0

- That weird guy down the hall

Whoa. I woke up this morning and the radio was playing Hootie and the Blowfish, the newspapers were advertising the new Quentin Tarantino movie, everyone's talking about this cool new "Playstation" game system, and now this. I don't know how I wound up here in 1996, but the first thing I'm doing is finding myself the eighth grade version of myself and warning myself to not not NOT ever ask out Samantha Carter. Oh, the pain I could have avoided... But in the meantime, I'll tell you why the Terminator has to win this, with my cool future knowing powers:

MacGyver is too out of place with this otherworldly technology. Give him some plumbing and a bicycle and he could kick ass, but in this setting he'll be stuck trying to make a blowtorch out of something that he didn't know was already an interstellar blowtorch to begin with. Hannibal Lecter likes killing. He's on a vessel filled with STORMTROOPERS. That's like putting Homer Simpson in a room filled with chocolate bunnies and trying to get him to leave. The Rottweiler, while having the advantage of seeming harmless and likely being ignored by the troops, is severely hamstrung by the fact that it has no thumbs. Obi-Wan Kenobi... well, you know what happened last time he was in this situation. "pssssssschhh... I am the master now, Obi-Wan...." The Deathstar with Stormtroopers: It's the DEATH STAR. With STORMTROOPERS. Come on.

Khan, unfortunately, is one of the worst sufferers of Dr. Evil Syndrome. Do things quickly? Yeah, right. He'll probably stop right before he makes it off and explain to the Terminator exactly how he beat the Terminator to the escape pod, giving the Terminator the chance to stroll right past him and leave. Mr. T... well, I've got nothing against Mr. T. His only problem is that he doesn't have shape-shifting powers and an indestructible exoskeleton like the Terminator. Besides, he's on the same ship as Darth Vader. If that's not a fool to be pitied, I don't know who is. T will probably have to make a detour to lay some smack down on him. So there you have it. The Terminator wins. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go assassinate the Baha Men before they can cause any problems in the future.

- Infraggable Krunk

Seeing that Khan is eating it in the vote totals, we can safely assume that there is no Khan Jihad. No, really. There IS no Khan Jihad. Hell, there's hardly any Khan supporters. Somebody throw in the towel before he really eats it, like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV.

- Opie

Break it down for me fellas! [dope beat starts]

Khan: Fake muscle chest absorbs blaster shots, gets onto a Tie and about to leave, but instead self-destructs the Tie in an effort to take out the Death Star himself.

Terminator (note: first Terminator movie picture used, so using that Terminator): Unphazed by stormtrooper shots, Vader's force does nothing as he's got a computer chip for a brain. Wanders by mistake into trash compacter room, finds remains of what he thinks is another female cyborg, looking for some loving he stays and tries to re-assemble her, but is crushed by the trash compacter.

Obi Won Kenobi: Gets past Stormtroopers undetected using force, gets to a tie hanger but his altruistic tendencies gets the best of him and he fights off stormtroopers chasing the rottweiler. Unfortunantly, rottweiler doesn't see Obi Won as a friend and bites the back of his leg, Obi Won spins and is shot and killed. Only robe remains.

Rottweiler: Gets covered by Obi Won's robe, in frantic effort to get it off, wanders over the edge of one of the seemingly bottom- less areas found in the Death Star. PETA protests dog's demise, several stormtroopers have house's defaced with "Dog Killer!" written across front door.

Hannibal Lector: Takes out a stormtrooper to escape from jail cell, has a quick bite to eat (see previous action for menu). Gets almost to an open and easy escape aboard an empty tie fighter, but stops first to use the comm room's phone to call Clarice. Stormtroopers find him and blast him.

Mr. T: Can't help but yelling as he bashes his way through stormtrooper after stormtrooper. "I Pity The Fool" is all the alarm the Death Star needs to alert everyone of his position. Vader shows up, uses the force to strangle Mr. T on his own gold chains.

MacGyver: Finds Obi Won's robe stuck in Death Star's lost and found, uses it to carry Terminator's parts he collected from the trash room. Wanders through the jail cell, finds empty stormtrooper suit (slight ketchup stains). On way to a hangar to leave, snatches Mr. T's gold chains. In the hanger he finds only bits and peices of a tie figher, along with a blaster shot riddled fake muscle chest. MacGyver hides behind some barrels and begins working. He first reassembs the tie fighers engine. Then he puts on the stormtrooper suit. Mr. T's gold chains are used to attach the Terminator parts (now put together as a control panel and steering wheel) to the Tie jet engine. Then using duct tape (found in Stormtrooper Tool Closet in which MacGyver was hiding when he started his escape), he tapes Khan's fake chest to the top of the engine as a seat to protect him from the heat of the engine. Uses duct tape again to seal stormtrooper suit so he can survive in outer space. Finally MacGyver moves his quickly made (process took all of 2.3 minutes) starship out into the hanger, gets on and flies out thus winning the contest. Death Star explodes, MacGyver makes it home safely.

Back on Earth, senior citizens rejoice and topple the nurse's pill cart and dance and sing in the greenhouse.

- JmanX (JmanT was first choice, but Mr. T beat me to it)

Khan's unclothed man-tits bring a familiar sense of comfort to the stormtroopers' sense or brotherly love and they invite him to join their full-body rubber&plastic fetish-wear games.

MacGyver, feeling at home in the 1970's era control panels, will jury rig a battering ram out of flashing LED's, rolling over the awe-struck stormtroopers and narrowly escaping his encounter with Vader by hiding like a sissy behind a nearby stockpile of Mop 'n Glo (judging by how spotless the place is, there must THOUSANDS of them) until a passing garbage vessel hauls him off and dumps him onto Gwabgwab, the empire's refuse and recycling colony.

- billy

Even in this elite field, we need to start by winnowing the wheat from the chaff. In Grudge terms, anyone not possessing both Mentos™ coolness and the Rage (pat. pending) is in no shape to compete. Terminator, who lacks emotion, and thus the Rage, is the first to go. (Despite a desperate last-minute appeal to the "other characters played by same actor" rule, Arnold tops out at "mildly constipated and making a funny face.") It's not like he's "unstoppable" to Star Wars level technology anyway. Titanium fails in the face of a thermal detonator. Obi-Wan, who is firmly on the Light Side, also lacks the Rage. He doesn't want it enough. Anyway, the Death Star got him last time. Gonzo. MacGyver, a fundamentally nice guy, is as a natural consequence doomed to finish last. No Rage. He may manage to briefly hotwire the Death Star into a giant space-going salad shooter, but then Khan sticks a bug in his ear and Lecter eats his liver with fava beans. There was much rejoicing. The 'Troops nearly lose here as well - your average Troop lacks the Rage. However, it is clear from the intro that Vader is running this show, and he has Rage and Mentos coolness in spades. Compared to Vader, a Death Star full of Stormtroopers is a minor obstacle, so we'll consider good ol' Annie boy as the primary threat. This is unfortunately his team's downfall. Q plays t-ball revenge compared to Vader, and Vader will spend his time using the Force to give a lightsaber enema to the Q continuum. (Which lacking both Rage and Mentos, is helpless.) 'Still takes him out of the game long enough for another competitor to achieve victory.

It's much harder to choose from the remaining four competitors. It's time to examine weaknesses: Khan is ignorant of space battle tactics. Mr. T. is soft-harted in that he pities fools. Lecter is a gourmet. The Rottweiler is, let's face it, a dog. Lecter is the first to go. His gourmet snobbery means he is uninterested in the Rottweiler as a meal. The converse is unfortunately not true, so it's a dog-eat-doctor Death Star. Khan is clearly fighting in space, but is no fool, so his weakness applies while Mr. T.'s does not. Goodbye Mr. genetically engineered superman. This is unsurprising - the genetically engineered supermen have a generally abysmal record. I suspect if someone tried to genetically engineer a complete loser, they'd be wildly successful. Then again, this may explain Pauley Shore. So it's dog vs. Grudge mascot. Uh-oh - now both weaknesses apply. T. will naturally pity the naturally foolish canine, and the (now sated) dog will be unable to overcome his doggy instinct to be friendly in return. Man's best friend and all that. Neither competitor can bring himself to finish off the other. It seems like a stalemate folks. Will our heroes be disqualified? Or will one rise above his ethical limitations, seize victory with his teeth, and bask in both the entrails of his opponents and the thrill of victory? Is either of these noble strongmen - er - strongmammals capable of that kind of raw, unabashed, amoral ruthlessness? I'll give you a hint: One of our competitors is making phone commercials; and sadly, barking is not involved. Victory Mr. T.

- martinl

In order of elimination: rottweiler -- Are you guys KIDDING? Just a ROTTWEILER? That's IT? Shot by a Stormtrooper, ANY Stormtrooper, and they're demonstrably dumber than Trek redshirts. . . . NNNNNNNNNEXT!

Terminator -- Terminator 800's (a.k.a The Arnold series) can apparently be killed by waitresses with absolutely no training, provided they wander into one of Southern California's many *steel mills* . . . . NNNNNNNNNNEXT!

Khan -- Can apparently be killed by hammy, over-the-hill actors with absolutely no series. Wanders onto the set of "Iron Chef USA" where Shatner has him thrown into a large Vegimatic. NNNNNNNNNEXT! Oh, and get yourself some Visine for that nasty watering-eye problem, Khan.

Obi-Wan Kenobi -- Can apparently be killed by an actor who's face no one has actually seen. I mean, honestly, this olde fart didn't even survive the first Star Wars Movie, big deal. Even MARK HAMILL survived the first Star Wars Movie. NNNNNNNNNNNEXT!

Now the contest is down to three contestants who at first appear equally matched: Lecter, T, and MacGyver. But . . . MacGyver -- T and Lecter freeze MacGyver in his tracks by asking him what his first name is. While MacGyver is frozen in thought, up come a pair of, well, TWO-DIMENSIONAL characters. . . . "We're your biggest fans *cough*cough*" says Selma Bouvier, lighting an unfiltered Camel. "Yeah, heh-heh *cough*cough* how about a kiss?" asks Patty Bouvier. In their haste to get a kiss, they both unintentionally smother MacGyver to death. NNNNNNNNNEXT!

Hannibal Lecter -- He is last seen walking away from the remains of Darth Vader while inelegantly picking his teeth with a fingernail. "A little like lobster," Lecter quips, "you can't eat the shell, but the meat's delicious." Accidentally poisons himself by eating badly-prepared blowfish at the Deathstar's only sushi bar. NNNNNNEXT!

Deathstar with Stormtroopers -- Q watches as a small black pod with a red racing stripe accelerates away from the Deathstar. "Pitiful," Q thinks, vaporizing the Deathstar with a thought. "And now, to rig the Oscar voting again so that Marisa Tomei wins another one!" Suddenly, the "escape pod" lands in Q's domain. The "pod" is actually Mr. T's souped-up van, which is just as indestructable as T himself. Mr. T jumps out. "You must have your prize, I suppose," Q says casually. "Very well. Bet on the Patriots--I guarantee they'll make that last-second field goal!" But Mr. T has other plans: "No time for that jibba-jabba!" he shouts, flooring Q with one punch. "You can't physically HARM me!" Q sputters, holding his jaw in pain. "I'll reduce you to atoms for this insult!" But before Q can react, out of the van step J, K, L, Z, and David Letterman! "I pity the foo' who tries to take on the entire alphabet!" T shouts, grabbing Q and throwing him helluva far, right into Sesame Street, where he's trapped now, forced to do ads for the letter "Q." How humiliating!

- Deacon

Since this is a Tournament of Champions with many Worthy Opponents (tm), we must consider each one seperately.

Khan: HAHAHAHAHAHA! You've go to be kidding. Sure, Khan may be able to take over from the oh-so-competent crew of the Enterprise, but that's just because the Enterprise is always nice and polite to dangerous aliens. Can you see that on the death star? No. "Hi, my name's Vader, and here's the plans to take over this station!" The Death Star's idea of hospitality is unfriendly needle-wielding floating ball robots. The stormtroopers wouldn't even bother to get him out of his suspended animation. They'd just blow up his rickety little ship.

Terminator: Has more of a chance that Khan. But hey, while he might kill ten or even a hundred stormtroopers, he's got as much chance of killing fifty thousand as Britney Spears has of getting a Ph.D.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Was the only one of the contestants with experience in the Death Star, but you saw how far that got him.

Hannibal Lecter: "Hello Clarice..." "Who is this? What's your operating number?" What's he going to do anyway, eat his way out?

Mr. T: Doesn't strike me as possessing the brains to mastermind an escape into intergalactic space. And he dosen't blend in well. But he might force a draw after killing everyone aboard the Death Star, but having accidently destroyed all the escapes. But at least he can call his buddies with 1-800-COLLECT to get a ride!

MacGyver: The only one with a chance. Give enough time, he could turn off the tractor beam, incapacitate the stormtroopers, and build a starship, all with a coathanger, chewing gum, and duct tape. But he hasn't got the time, what with all those stormtroopers with the guns he's so afraid of.

Rottweiler: Death Star's weight in rottweilers? Sure. But just one? He'd just relieve himself in inconvienient places.

Deathstar with Stormtroopers: "The force can have a great influence on the weak minded." Let's face it, mentally, Q is as flaky as a burnt pop tart. Sorry, but being "infinitely more intelligent" than Picard is a low hurdle. It's only a matter of time before Vader realizes that all he has to do is take over Q's room temperature IQ mind, and shazam! He's got himself the ultamate weapon to crush the rebellion with. Stay tuned for Episode III: Attack of the Q!

- The Phantom

This match is simply laughable. You've put Mr. T in his home territory-- He is supposed to escape from the Death Star (in effect a large garage), while being watched by incompitent guards. It is full to the brim with scrap metal and welding tools. Mr. T retreats to a garbage dump, where he procedes to refit a small trolley with armor plating and blaster ports. He gets accosted by wave after wave of Stormtroopers, who according to The Rules of Star Wars must miss with every shot. Even if one accidentally fired in the direction of Mr. T, he will be blinded by the brilliance of Mr. T's golden jewelry. Mr. T somehow makes it off of the ship without killing a single Stormtrooper, who are all incinerated as Q destroys the Death Star. Mr. T in 60 minutes, minus commercials.

- Sosua

None of the contestants has any trouble dispatching Stormtroopers, naturally. Mr. T has the easiest time, with their laser blasts reflecting off his gold jewelry and mowing them down by the dozens. Hannibal Lecter, though, does end up fatally delayed by the Targets in White. If you don't understand why, think of how much effort goes into eating lobster. The Rottweiler meets his doom chasing an odd smell, and getting eaten by the trash compactor monster. The Terminator investigates the sounds of a struggle, and winds up getting crushed when the compactor starts running. Obi-Wan finds the tractor control, and shuts it off. A second later, though, it comes back on. Flipping the switch again gets the same result. Unbeknownst to him, MacGyver holed himself up in a tertiary control room and, using two paper clips, half a buck in loose change, old dental floss, and a rivet from his Levi's, tapped into the tractor controls himself. Every time he toggles the controls, he undoes what Obi-Wan just did. This goes on for a long time, until Obi-Wan hears deep breathing behind him, and leaves his task behind to reach for his light-saber.

Mr. T barrels onto the hangar deck, throws Stormtroopers aside like rag dolls, breaks into a TIE Fighter -- and freezes up with the fear of flying he had forgotten until that moment. He is still in the back of the cockpit, fighting the heebie-jeebies, when MacGyver enters and starts hot-wiring the control panel with a disassembled Sony Walkman and his own fillings. "Hey, boy!" Freshly wracked by the prospect of flying into deep space, Mr. T snaps. His mind, grasping for sanity, instead cross-wires itself with an old Eddie Murphy routine. "You look mighty cute in them jeans." He smiles ferociously. "Now come on over here, and --" Mercifully, the Death Star explodes before the fatal proposition issues. Khan, given a crucial moment's lead when MacGyver got interrupted, flies his stolen TIE Fighter to freedom. A lucky thing Q materialized him on the same level as the hangar decks, or his two-dimensional thinking would have gotten him in some real trouble. "Free, once again," Khan exults. "Now, where might I find ... James T. Kirk?"

- Call me Shane

I cast my vote for the Rottweiler. Considering the dog is the best of the best, we can assume it will use it's cuteness factor to befriend each opponent. After doing such, he will lure them to a secluded part of the Deathstar and feast on them just like the chihuahuas. The only posing trouble would be Obi Wan. He would use some wacky Jedi mind trick and have the dog eat it's crotch. Anyway, the dog eats everyone except Obi-Wan, who manages to trip and fall on his lightsaber.

- Shen

The Rottweiler? "Each of those 7 contestants have been instructed that they must try to get off the Death Star, and to be the first to do so" yes, I can imagine Q going "pay attention little doggie, there's this really big spaceship, pay attantion now. and it's full of all these people, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!?!?!" Rottwieler lazyly looks at Q "thank you, well, you're job is ... STOP LICKING YOUR BALLS!!!". If the beast still makes it to the starting lineup, he'll just wonder around, kill a stormtrooper or two, settle into a nice and comfy corner somewhere and gnaw on some stormtrooper bones.

- Fiji

I see that Mr. T. is the sentimental favorite, and that's all very nice, but how is he supposed to blend in here? Have we ever seen an Imperial who is not a White male human, usually with a veddy proper British accent? Try spouting something like "Stop your jibber-jabbering, foo!" in Navy circles and you'll raise every eyebrow in the room, if you don't make someone choke on a crumpet. Same problem for the Rottweiller, unless this is a live-action Disney movie, in which case it sweeps, with many hilarious hi-jinks.

Obi-wan would seem to have this one down: not only does he have proven success in this same scenario, but he is the only contestant familiar with Imperial written-language and technology. Unfortunately, he is also certain to again attract the attention of Vader and friends.

Lecter is devious, but out of his element in this high-tech enviro.

So, this becomes a too-close-to-call race between the rest. My money is on the brilliant Khan, who has shown his ability to quickly understand and operate (if not master) strange technologies. One might expect him to be too egotistical to be stealthy, but recall that he secretly ruled much of the world up until the upheavals known to the public as the end of the Cold War, and years after his escape (presumably connected with one of those top-secret Dept. of Defense Shuttle missions) most of the media have never caught on!

- Matt Bricker

Go back to TOC I.

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