TOC VII Responses, Da Fillibuster™

Let's break it down:

Cookie Monster- His only motive is to stuff himself with all the cookies he can find. He has no other thought at any time. He must represent...PRIMAL URGE

USA- Huge, seemingly invincible force. Not-exactly-100%-competent leadership, but still, they've got some whoop-ass to unload. The US has gotta be...MILITARY MIGHT

Steve Irwin- Willingly puts himself and others into dangerous situations. Gets bitten, mauled, chased, constricted, and pounded, and all he ever says is "CRIKEY!". Always manages to escape alive. Steve has the power of...INCREDIBLE LUCK

Marvin- He is the embodiment of depression. He can make things fall to their knees in misery, just by looking at them. Marvin must be a representation of...DEPRESSION

T-800 Terminator- A symbol of humanity's own creation turned against him, with a vengeance. This one's a no-brainer, folks. Termie's...ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY

Austin Powers- He's got bad teeth, and he still gets the girls. He's clueless, but he still bags the villain. All this due to an over- hyped optimism that keeps him blissfully unaware of his situation. Austin is a symbol of...OPTIMISM

Calvin- Imagination...stuffed animals as friends...sees wonder in everything...CHILD-LIKE INNOCENCE

Moses- DUH!!! RELIGION

OK, here we go!

USA vs. T-800 Terminator (AKA: Military Might vs. Advanced Technology)
As seen in the movie "Army of Darkness", technology will ALWAYS win over superior force. Especially if said technology looks incredibly bad-ass in doing so.
Exit USA, with HUGE pyrotechnics.

Marvin vs. Austin Powers (AKA: Depression vs. Optimism)
Sadly enough, cheery-faced ignorant bliss will never waver. Marvin's condition won't give, but he'll be so disgusted by Austin's never- failing (cracked) smile, that he'll simply leave to go vomit on something.
Exit Marvin, trudging away to a nearby bush.

Cookie Monster vs. Steve Irwin (AKA: Primal Urge vs. Incredible Luck)
Cookie Monster may mistake Irwin for a gigantic khaki cookie, and try to eat him, but, as shown by Irwin's constant encounters with the outback, his luck can overcome ANYTHING primal.
Exit Cooookie, who trips over a dead MP and knocks himself unconcious for the remainder of the fight.

T-800 Terminator vs. Austin Powers (AKA: Advanced Technology vs. Optimism)
"Hallo, you ugly bugga! (Big Grin) Wat's that you've got there?" "A shotgun...I use it to kill people."
BLAM!!! Exit Austin, in true "Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun." fashion.

Steve Irwin vs. Moses (AKA: Incredible Luck vs. Religion)
Let's see Steve take on a SWARM OF LOCUSTS.
Exit Steve, who is picked up by the insects, while saying "Look at the beautiful animals!" and whisked away to a fate unknown.

T-800 Terminator vs. Moses (AKA: Advanced Technology vs. Religion)
Ooooh boy, as if THIS hasn't been argued 60 ways to Tuesday...I'll have to go with the Stargate argument to this match, and say, "Hokey religions and gods are no match for a few marines (and a dork) with machine guns and cool-looking blaster staffs.
Exit Moses, who walks off muttering something about asking for directions in the desert.

Calvin vs. T-800 Terminator (AKA: Child-like innocence vs. Advanced Technology.)
Calvin, and all children like him in this day and age, can program a VCR, write his own software, create websites that look better than Microsoft's...they're technology mavens. He'll have Terminator's memory wiped, and reprogram him to be both his and Hobbes' protector.
"Hey, Moe! Check out my new friend! He can bench-press a truck!"

FINAL RESULT: Calvin takes the Grudge Bowl, and uses it as a throne for his fantasies of ruling the earth.

- The Mad Josher

Machines shaped like men are clearly false idols, which means Moses' first act will be to call down the Divine Wrath™ in the form of a Plague of Rust. The oxidized remains of Marvin, the Terminator, and incidentally, the Americans' weaponry, will float away on the wind of Calvin's sugarcharged passage.

Calvin, meanwhile, is taking out the Americans' second major threat, the bureaucracy. Though possessed of incredible inertia and insanity-inducing potential, the bureaucracy has absolutely zero tolerance to imagination. They are therefore helpless when Calvin submits form Eleventeen-Zeeb in purple crayon and then activates his Galactic Paper Detonator.

Austin Powers then makes his move on the only female on the field, Terri Irwin. Steve immediately steps in and gives the reproductively enhanced agent a belligerent shove. This is a bad move. Although the Crocodile Hunter is impervious to the Beasts of the Field, the Birds of the Air and the Little Slimy Things of That Gucky Place Under The Log, he is more than vulnerable to other (?) humans.

The elfin Aussie is shortly head first in a toilet attempting to wrestle the alligators living in the sewer system.

The field is now reduced to Calvin, Moses, Austin, the Cookie Monster, and the mob of hype-chasing slobs that is all that remains of America without the military and the bureauocracy. Moses condemns Calvin for not honoring his mother and father and hits him with a Plague of Boredom. As Calvin is the spirit of childhood and cannot exist without fun he is instantly disintegrated. The CM disembowels Agent Powers in hopes that his improbably colored attire contains a Cream Filling™. The Turquoise Terror then turns on the Priest of Punishment, who is tired from twice invoking the Divine Wrath™ and has sat down for a bite of MannaŽ. Unfortunately this looks like a cookie and earns the Christian Crusher a good mugging. The Cookie Monster is left alone on the field, except for the American couch potatoes, who immediately submit to him because he is pop culture.

- Shadowkiller

Now, Moses has the power of God on his side. However, we've seen what it takes to take down the Terminator when he's focused on his objective. Even having his limbs caught in giant gears won't stop him... and Moses's methods are much more subtle than that. Do you think the Terminator would be stopped by frogs, locusts, or water turning to blood? Me either. And how exactly would God kill off the Terminator's firstborn? He doesn't even have reproductive organs (although if he does, i'm sorry for the first woman who has to feel a solid steel shaft). So, the Terminator will destroy Moses and return to the future... only to find out that God was so pissed off at the loss that he destroyed all humanity, and only the cyborgs remain... wow. You can almost TASTE the irony.

- Scotty J. "mmmmmm....irony"

Meanwhile, Austin Powers would be doing a saucy little dance in front of the Terminator to make him blow up like the Fembots. The Terminator would live out my personal fantasy and shoot him dead, baby, yeah! (Bang! Bang! "And that's for all those poo jokes!" Bang! "And that's for the repetative reruns of gags from the first movie!") Moses will cream Steve Irwin by turning his staff into a snake (Exodus 7:10). Steve will poke it, thereby drawing the Raiders of the Lost Ark Don't Touch God's Stuff (tm) punishment: Face-melting. Crikey! Now, we've learned in the past only unconventional weapons of great force or temperature can destroy the Terminator. Moses has God on his side, a being that can part the Red Sea (force) and block an army with a pillar of fire (temperature). Moses and his NRA buddies have also succeeded in stalling any common sense gun laws (like, um, banning them), proving they're more powerful than the U.S. government (scratch the fighting hold-outs.) Arnie speaks German. The god of the Jews doesn't much care for the Germanic types, thank you very much. Moses in four. If we're really lucky, when he's done he'll clean house. And Senate. Say night-night, Christian right!

- Hebrew School Drop Out

- Revrend Robert J. Hoplite III, Church of Trivium

- -Turk

Okay, bad analogy. I think you see what I'm getting at though.

USA wins! *sigh*

- Don "King" Milliken

- Tristan, the Griffon Master, the madman of the midwest, and distrubutor of cold canned whoop ass

Combatant 1, Cookie Monster: As far as I can tell, all he has going for him is his Rage™ for cookies, and therein lies the problem. Even if we are to assume that CM has been kept in a "Deer Hunter" style prision, comepletely cut off from cookies for several months, CM, being the cookie guided missle that he is, still needs to actually SEE the cookies to fly into his patented form of Cookie Rage™. With no cookies in sight, CM becomes frustrated, and begins to chew ineffectually on Steve Irwin's ear, effectively taking himself out of the fight.

Combatant(s) 2, U.S.A.: Guns, babes, a Texan as President, cheeseburgers, and a little thing called "Die Hard". Yeah, I think they might outlast a few opponents...

Combatant 3, Steve Irwin: The man obviously has some kind of disorder. I've seen him wade through waist-deep, leech-infested water just so he could check a crocodile's genitals. That's clearly enough to stay in contention with this bunch.

Combatant 4, Marvin: In this case, I feel Marvin has been slighted GREATLY in the Scenario. Marvin simply would not lower himself to such standards. This is, after all, the robot that attended cars for the lifespan of Universe several times over, and his only reaction when he finally heard from his "friends" was to annoy them by sticking his head in a bucket of water. Let's see the Terminator react as calmly. Sadly, it is Marvin's fate to suffer all kinds of indignity, and as he leaves the ring after despensing several words of advise to his fellow robot, T-800, he is "adopted" by Little Georgia Simms of the South Bronx, age 5, and is forced to dress in a "lifesize Barbie" tutu and play house for the next 8 years.

Combatant 5, the Terminator: Somehow cries, then shuts himself down after Dr. Marvin's "therapy".

Combatant 6, Austin Powers: The man with the Mojo™ may be one of the biggest threats. He's unfazed by Marvin, not impressed by T-800's small inseam, think's he's a buddy of the U.S.A., doesn't even notice Calvin, has already managed to shag Irwin's wife, is pretty sure Moses is really Hugh Heffner in disguise, and just plain confused by the Cookie Monster; thus, Austin seemingly has no real threat. One problem, though. Even with all that Mojo™, in THIS Grudgematch there aren't any chicks to win over, and it seems unlikely that he would use said Mojo™ on a smelly Austrailian, a small child, G.W., or a really old guy. Austin, much like Marvin, makes a hasty exit out of the ring.

Combatant 7, Calvin: Calvin, as we know, is badass. Whether it's creating sings that say "Love the sinner, hate the sin", or flooding his house repeatedly, he shows us time and time again that his middle name just may be Havoc. And his safety poster? "Be careful or be roadkill" That kid is sick, I tell you. SICK.

Combatant 8, Moses: The easy choice, but remember, he represents Israel, an old college buddy of U.S.A.'s. Plus, he's well known as a pretty smart guy. It's unlikely Moses will decide to go Old Testament on anyone's ass until the wheat has been seperated from the chaff, so to speak.

In the end, we are left with Moses, Calvin, Steve Irwin with a soggy ear, and the United Staes. Calvin and Steve engage in beserker combat, biting, clawing, and poking eyes whenever possible. Gen. Tommy Franks, a man whose mantra is "If you're going to blow it up, you'd better make the explosion really freaking big", decides that now is the time for the innocently named, yet 500 ton, Daisy Cutter Bomb™. When the dust clears, Moses is unharmed, but Calvin and Steve are scattered about in a 3 mile radius. Parts of them, anyway. Moses, glad the U.S. has won, reclaims his post as ancient history figure, and within minutes vendors are selling "I saw the Cookie Monster, the U.S., Steve Irwin, Marvin the Paranoid Android, T-800, Austin Powers, Calvin, and Moses locked in mortal combat, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" shirts for twenty bucks each. And that consice, epigramic phrase? "USA! USA! USA! WOOOOOOOO!!!"

- Johnny Ginter

- RoboGoober98 (offering a special prayer that they mow down Calvin FIRST!)

Moses begins talking to Marvin and they go about a long deep conversation on suffering,the virtues of life,and Kill-O-Zap guns as they walk off into the sunset.the U.S.A. wins for being the only ones left standing after lazily waiting out the match and not getting involved because nobody was stupid enough to mess with them.

- Morbid-Harbinger of Doom

The Terminator levels his gun at Marvin. "Where is John Connor?" "I have no idea, but you'll surely kill me anyway. I wonder if you have enough creativity to make me suffer first. With my luck, I'll suffer anyway, and languish for years, wishing it would all just end..." Like many machines before him, the Terminator commits suicide. He activates his internal self-destruct. As the two are engulfed by the explosion, Marvin is heard to comment: "What a depressingly stupid death. Even those Monty Python idiots died in better ways than this..." Calvin, meanwhile, has been using his Rollerball tactics - using his agility and diminuitive size - to bide his time. Now only the Cookie Monster remains. Calvin pulls out his secret weapon: Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs! (TM) Cookie devours the box and goes on a nuclear-powered sugar rush, causing the demolition of some 20 city blocks. When he stops, belches, and passes out, Calvin trusses the bloated monster and drags him away. "This'll gross out Susie for sure!"

- Oxymoron: Founder of the First Church of Calvinism

A. The fight would rage, never stopping. The carnage is all around. All over, bodies are flying all over the place. And where would Marvin be, you ask? He would be sulking in a corner. Once there is one more left, then the only task is to eliminate the target.

B. Now, because of Marvin's depression, he has low self-esteem. And because of that low self-esteem, he has no ego. (Sure. He brags a bit, but that does him nothing personally.) So every time he killed someone, he would still be depressed. He wouldn't care if he killed the most. He would go back to sulking, as if nothing happened.

C. Who said I had a THIRD one?! Okay. You want something here? Fine. As the fight goes, a giant matress comes outta nowhere and attacks the fighters. Marvin would be in the corner.

D. What more do you want from me?! Okay. The fourth one. KABOOM! Planet blows up, Marvin lives. The End. There. Those were my reasons as to why Marvin would win. That enough for you? Or should I give you a FIFTH FREAKIN' REASON?!

- DarkstormXalpha

T-800 Terminator: Some guns Really hard exoskeleton (or is it a cryoskeleton?) Cool accent Almost mentos-coolness
Cookie Monster: The Rage Er... umh... blue fur? Psychotic eyes
Crocodile Hunter: Tame predators of all kind Kick-ass experience of really gorgerous animals Fearless (or stupid, what ever you want) Cool accent Mentos-coolness
Bush and USA: Big army Big budget Nukes Bloodlust
Austin Powers: Gadgets ala James Bond (like the swedish-made penisenlarger) Combat-abilitys (sort of) Funny accent Did I mention the swedish-made penisenlarger?
Marvin the Paranoid Android: Experience (he's much older than time!) Vast intellect Voice that makes people wanting to kill themself
Calvin: Space-ship Transmogrifier Duplicator Time-machine Great combat experience (he defeated people like Lara Croft, the Hulk, Spider-man and John Wayne, all at the same time, only armed with a sling shot at the second chance tournament) Hobbes Mentos-coolness
Moses: Backup from God Backup from NRA Beard

With this in mind, we can guess that the scenario is going to look like this: American infantery will enter the scene, only to be held at bay by the Terminator. "Hastala vista Private Ryan, hastalavista Kelly's Heroes, hastalavista Full Metal Jacket". President Bush watches the scene from the White House, listening to his advisors. "Sir! Our infantery is held back by one single robot! The casualties are getting to big." "Ronald Reagan never had to put up with this kind of stuff." "Mr President, please?" "Er... continue the assault. We still have our tanks and fighters, and the american spirit." "Cooooooooooookies." "Die hellspawn." Moses says and shoots Cookie Monster betwheen the strange eyes. He cleans his gun from the NRA and looks up in the sky, watching the american airforce trying to fight the space-ship belonging to Spaceman Spiff. "This is my battle, I don't need God's help... yet." Moses says and takes up another gun. Soldiers are coming his way.

Meanwhile, Austin Powers is having problems with one of the tanks. He makes a strange-looking stunt and gets up on the tank. This is not what he expected. But he has a plan. "I must find the self-destruct button. Everything has a self-destruct button." "What's he doing?" can be heard from the tank. "Yeah baby! There it is!" he says, pushes it and jumps off. "I didn't know we had a self-destruct bu..." is the last heard from the tank before it explodes. "Look over there, there's a brit. Brits are very dangerous, and they hate if you slap them in the face." "Ouch. Hey, what are you doing." "Look, soon is the wombatwuss really mad. Look when I slap the mate again." A fistfight breaks out, but the two combatants don't know that they are being spying on by some soldiers. They don't like what they are seeing. "Come in White House! Come in White House! We have spotted one of the terrorists, and it´s a brit. And he has gay clothing." "WHAT! Give me the radio!" Bush screams to his advisor "New priority everyone. There has been a brit spotted with the terrorists. A gay britt. We must make an example for the world. Get me the brits head on a plate!" Moses, the Terminator and Calvin looks rather surprised when all their enemies just leaves them and attacks Austin with everything they got. Steve of course survives the crossfire. "I told ya! The wombatwusses are very dangerous, dragging all kind of shit to it. Oh look, a M1A2 Abrams! It's gorgerous. Let's throw a greneade at it and see if it pisses it off." "Mr President" one of the advisors says at the White House, "that brit we just killed, wasn't that the hero who captured Usama for us." "Ooops." "And that was not gayclothes, they just looked funny." "Stop it! How big are our casualities?" "We have lost 42% of our fighting force." "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" "Shall I order a retreat?" "No, we shall fight to the last man. But get some guys down to the basement... I got some nice presents for our terrorist there."

Moses walks through piles of dead soldiers, emptying his last uzi at some infantry who tries to run away. Now he just has his staff (and his beard) left, and the battlefield is still sprawling with soldiers and tanks. But Moses notices something from one of the piles. A short figure is watching him. "It's my archenemy Oldman Smellbad. This looks like a work for Stu..." "I heard of you. People call you things like Spaceman Spiff, Stupendous Man..." "Hey! But I am Stupendous Man!" "... and Tracer Bullet." "Look, I have a cape. My mother made i... er... I really warn you!" "You are Calvin!" The short figure becomes silent a while, looking down at Moses. The battle betwheen the army, the Terminator and the Crocodile Hunter is heard in the background. Then the figure speaks. "Yes, I am Calvin. But that's not going to help you, adult. You are unarmed and I still got my powers left." "I have heard that you don't have any real friends except that tiger who almost won the fifth or the third tournament, depending on how you count. I will teach you the meaning of having powerful friends." Moses decides it's time to contact God. "Hello, you have come to Bill Gate's answering machine. Please leave a message and I will perhaps call you after I have bathed in my money." Calvin gets very suprised when Moses dies in a heart-attack. Meanwhile, under the White House. "What kind of nukes are these?" "That's the presidents secret nukes he kept for emergencies like this." "Good... but general... do the White House have any access to robots?" "No..." "Oh my god, it's one of the terrorists! Call security!" "I met your security on the way here" Marvin starts, "they were going to shoot me because they hate me. Everyone hates me." "Stop it. I have a gun!" "Are you also going to shoot me. The security tried but they hated me so much and didn't stand me so they decided to take their own lives instead." "Stop it!" "Mr President! The robot known as the terminator is down, but we only have 16% of our soldiers left and we still have the australian and the young boy left and I don't think our boys can handle it." "Are the nukes ready get?" "The people we sent to the basement isn't answering." *long dramatic pause* "Get my plan ready. We are leaving. I am just going to my room to get my playstation."

"Not so fast, Mr President." a dark voice interrupts. "Who the heck are..." Bush yells and spins around, looking straight into a tall figure in a black cape "I recognize you. You are the one that stole my IRS." "Look out Mr President, it's Death!" screams one of the advisors. "It's not my time to die yet." "That's rigt... I am not here to take your soul... I am here to give you an offer..." "Offer?" "No Mr President, he wants your soul!" "The situation is going... out of hand of you... you don't have the resources to win this battle..." "Yeah, but..." "But I am willing to give back... the IRS to you... the berserking madness inside the IRS... could just be enough for you to win." "He's lying Mr President!" "Can you prove that you are Death?" "Yes..." "No Mr President, he will..." "On him." Bush says, pointing at the advisor. "Mr President! Noooooooooooooo!" The advisor falls dead down, hands clawing at his own throat. "But what do you want in return of the IRS?" "Let us discuss that... another time... if you want the IRS... you must take it now..." "What the heck. Deal!" "What a gorgerous hand-grenade! Grenades are very dangerous. I am going to pull out the pin and put the grenade in my mouth." Do we need to say more? Calvin stands on the wreck of the last tank, looking for his paperbox. "I must find the transmogrifier or what ever it was and change it to a duplicator. Marvin is here somewhere, and he's not an easy one..." But he stops in the middle of the sentence, it is something marching out of the White House armed to the teeth, "Oh my god... the IRS." Calvin is for the first time during this battle looking nervous.

Back at the begining of time, Marvin steps out of a paperbox. It stands time-machine on it. "They shoot away my leg, everyone wants to shoot me. The whole world hates me. I didn't even hated that leg as much as I hated the other, I only loathed it. And of course, after they shoot away my leg, I have to fall. And where? Into some stupid boy's time-machine. I hate timetravel." "Look when the IRS attacks him! This is much cooler than playstation!" "Mr President, it looks like the IRS are loosing." "They can't loose! They are the IRS. It's something wrong with them." "And I just got a call from the cellar." "Why is the IRS loosing?" "Mr President, the nukes are launched." "Ah good, I hope they got both that boy and the IRS. They don't deserve to live after loosing to a boy." "They were aimed at New York, Chicago, LA and every other big city in USA." "I can't understand what's with ther IR... whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" "The people down the basement said that they were going to take suicide and take the whole USA with them... and... and they pressed the self-destruct button." "I didn't knew that we had one..." Then there was a big light... "There goes the White House. Calvin is victorius." Hobbes puts down the binoculuars and sits down and waits. After a while, Death comes. "You can take of your mask now, at least one of them." Darth Vader takes of his skeletonmask. "Where's the money?" "Here it is. Thank you for giving Bush stormtroopers in disguise. That was really fun." "I was only after the money. That stupid Death Star exploded again during that match betwheen Mr T and Jesse Ventura. Bloody piece of junk." "Well, thank you. Calvin deserved this after loosing to that Bart Simpson." (Calvin got grounded for one week after his parents caught him. They extended it to two weeks when he told them that he was involved in the destruction of the whole USA)

- LJSLarsson

- Dan "D" Man

Then God has always triumphed over Chaos (i.e., Moses uses that staff to whup Calvin back into the third grade where he belongs). Now the U.S.A. comes briefly into play, thinking that Moses is, in fact, Ossama. Moses, good for only one miraculous ass kicking per day, goes down in a rain of sniper fire, never to be heard from again. Following that Steve Irwin uses his legion of marsupials, crocs, lizards, snakes, and outher 'bauts from the Outback to defeat the small military detatchment Bush is able to deploy (Australia is cooler and more confusing than the U.S.A., as proved by the existence of the wombat, the koala, and especially the duck-billed platypus). Unfortunately, Irwin's victory is inextricably linked to the Discovery Chanel, which (ask any stoner) always ends in... the munchies. Therefore, Cookie Monster bites Irwin's Head off ("'E's a mite dangerous, this one. So's I -- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!) thus winning the match.

- Captain "Hey, it made sense at the time" Obvious

- Miner Cotren

One can't say as much for Steve Irwin. Jehovah created the beasts and monsters of the world, and can manhandle them better than Irwin does. The Crocodile Hunter comes in dead last in this group of eight. If Dr. Evil makes it far enough into the 21st century, he will invent a Terminator, or something even worse. And Austin Powers will handle it just fine. Austin Powers beats Terminator. Austin Powers has shown remarkable abilities at survival in trying circumstances over long spans of time, but Marvin the Paranoid Android has a stronger track record. Austin Powers is not going to last nearly as long as Marvin already has, facing menaces far greater than Dr. Evil. That planet-sized brain must be good for something. So the final question, then, is: can a brain the size of a planet handle Calvin? We all know the answer is no.

- KP, the unacknowledged expert on all matters

- poLiTicalLy N-ko/wrecked

You see, every TOC champion so far has been of a different race. Using this logic, the winner of this match will not be of the same ethnicity as a previous winner. Now, let's see:

MST3K, consisting of a WASP and two robots, won TOC IV. This eliminates the Terminator and Marvin (the robots) and the WASP contingent (Calvin, Austin Powers, Steve Irwin, and USA- come on, 42 WASP presidents out of 43? How could you count America as anything else?)

TOC V was won by Yoda, who is at least part Muppet. This eliminates Cookie Monster, leaving Moses as the sole remaining contestant. After his victory by default, the Egyptian press blames the whole thing on a "Zionist conspiracy"... I guess they still haven't gotten over the Ten Plagues.

- The Amazing Rando~!

No, wait! I've forgotten somebody! It's Steve Irwin, the world-famous crocodile hunter! Surely an Aussie with bad shorts and weird sayings can't take on an entire nation of 21st century killing machines! But there's more here than meets the eye... Okay, let's step back and assess the situation a little bit. This is a guy who routinely runs around in areas teeming with poisonous, vicious, and 100% certified deadly critters of all shapes and descriptions... and yet somehow he manages to survive. Granted, the man's got skills, but I think this goes deeper. Not only does Steve manage to live through it all, but the cameraman, carrying a massively heavy camera and equipment, manages to somehow get away from charging elephants, pissed-off crocodiles and racing snakes intent on the kill. How does the cameraman, that fabled He-Man of lore, manage to get away with all this? Fact is, Steve doesn't travel alone. Accompanying him on everything he does is his good buddy Wes. While it looks like Wes is just another crazy scientist intent on looking at weird animals, appearances can be deceiving. That's the Wes you see on TV. The real man, you see, is nothing other than the world's most highly trained killing machine. Don't laugh! Off-camera, Wes is the secret to Steve's success. Wearing a high-powered, futuristic Kill-Suit equipped with shell-proof armor and all sorts of sensor arrays, Wes keeps his Rail Gun pointed at any viper's head while Steve lifts up its tail and whips it around for the camera to see. Using state-of- the-art laser tripwires and infrared sighting, Wes can tell the difference between a bite that Steve will escape from and one that will hit. And he's so high on battle drugs that he can turn the snake's head to mush within a millimeter of Steve's skin. That leaves one supercommando fighting a whole army. If the Terminator can't do it, why can Wes and Steve do it?

First of all, Wes is the most experienced kill-agent on the planet. He's been in thousands of dangerous situations, and believe me, today's army does little more than pretend they're macho and waste taxpayer money. But that's only observing Wes. Don't forget the man in question, Steve Irwin. Steve's got a lot of buddies in the world, and I'm not talking about his fans. All the animals that have ever appeared on his show owe him a favor for their 15 minutes of fame. And now's the time that they'll get to repay Steve. The tanks and helicopters of the US army will find themselves beset by the hundreds of snakes, lizards, spiders, crocodiles, elephants, hippos, and other assorted animals. Crawling through view slits, slithering into refueling and rearming helicopters, and charging at troop formations, the US army won't know what hit 'em. The winner... Steve Irwin. Good on ya, mate!

- Macpanthers

While all of this has been going on, the Terminator and the US millitary have been engaged in a fierce struggle; armor piercing bullets, flamethrowers and bazookas have reduced the T-800 to its skeleton but it continues to fight, taking weapons from the soldiers it finishes off. At length the Abrams manages to blast the Terminator's legs with a well-placed shell, and follows up by crushing the mechanized killer beneath its treads. This leaves the US Armed Forces versus a bewildered Moses. Having witnessed the pillar of flame the soldiers recieve the order 'do not fire until fired upon', thinking that some form of satellite weaponry is at work here. Realizing that the soldiers are the only justified combatants present because they're acting in defense of their people, Moses leaves in peace to search the world for those who have remained Faithful. The gong sounds: The US armed forces WIN!!!!!

- Auryn

- Kilgore Trout

- Dak Barhopper

- orlandoknight63

- Bryan

Steve Irwin approaches his prey. "This is a real treat. It's not often one finds a Cookie Monster outside his usual New York habitat. Now, he hasn't noticed us yet, but I'll soon fix that. In this pouch I'm opening is a Mrs. Fields' chocolate-chip cookie that's certain to lure the--aw, crikey!" A blue blur moving faster than any crocodile sets upon him, devouring the bait and leaving him prostrate on the grass, out of the fight.

Marvin trudges up to the Terminator. "I suppose you're wondering what kind of weapons I was given to deal with you. A superconductive mass driver, perhaps, or a megawatt laser, or zero-point energy micro-grenades. Those would be impressive weapons, but I don't have those. Do you know what I have? I'll give you three gu--" Unfortumately for Marvin, his strategy of engaging his opponent in conversation to drive it to suicide of self-destructive fury has no effect on the Terminator, who is programmed solely to kill. He does so, not even leaving Marvin time to lament his violent disassembly.

Finally tearing himself away from the Bikini Babes, Austin Powers finds a small boy wearing a cape and mask staring him down. "And who are you, baby?"

"I'm no baby! I'm Captain Napalm, superhero! You're more like Captain Doofus, and you dress like a girl."

"Girl! I'll have you know I'm all man, man." He brandishes his Mars-symbol medallion at Calvin.

"Whoa, neat! Can I see that?" Powers kindly hands it over to Calvin, who promptly uses its considerable heft and its pointy end to do things to Powers that not even Mini-Me ever dreamed of. Calvin walks off victorious -- but never fear: Austin Powers Will Return, in "Sequels Are Forever".

Throughout these skirmishes, Moses has been beating a tactical retreat before the advancing Abrams tanks. Now, though, he has reached the Reflecting Pool. He parts it and walks down, intending to trap the tanks -- but recoils in horror after only a few steps. Seems the Reflecting Pool's bottom was covered with broken bottles, rusty cans, and algal slime ten times worse than the squishiest streets in Egypt during the Plague of Frogs. He limps away, his sandals utterly ruined.

Their primary target withdrawing, the tank division draws a bead on the Terminator instead. Now, the Terminator is really tough, but come on. You catch sixty or seventy depleted-uranium armor-penetrating rounds in a second and a half, and see how you look. The Arnie-bot looks slightly better than that, but not by much.

By now, Cookie Monster is diving into the scattering, panicky crowd, looking for more sustenance. He spots a pair of cookies lying by themselves, and his ping-pong ball eyes gleam. Without a trace of suspicion, he grabs them, only to end up snared and swinging by a rope slung over one of the catwalks over the stage. Calvin dusts off his hands. "Even easier than catching Hobbes. Now for -- uh oh."

A ring of tanks has surrounded him, their motors growling, their cannons trained on him. A figure emerges from the swirls of dust beyond the ring, wearing an "I'm #1" baseball cap. "This is your final warning, evildoers. Surrender, or -- hey, it's just a kid. Well, might be Osama in disguise, but it'd be a really good disguise."

Calvin gulps meekly. "No, just a kid. And I'll surrender, sir--" His eyes get that look of avarice. "--if I can have a tank ride first." "Why, sure. Hop right on there, and the major will take you for a spin 'round the Ellipse." President Bush gives Calvin a boost. "Y'know, I wish I could have a tank ride, too, but Dad always tells me not to. Says it'd make me look too much like Michael Dukakis."

Calvin wrinkles his nose at the name. "Who's that?"

W grins. "Good question."

- Call me Shane

USA: Bush may have the superior force here (c'mon, he's the only one with an entire army to fight for him), but he can't completly use it. This is Washington, D.C. He has to minimize damage to local buildings, national landmarks, etc. Basically, he (or an advisor; this is Bush, remember) would decide that any action on his part would result in more damage than no action on his part. So, he would not actually fight the others, and just try to do damage- control.

Cookie Monster: Cookie Monster? He doesn't stand a chance. While he's bellowing "COOOOKIIIEEEESSS!!" the Terminator will think he was shouting "COOOONER!!", and will summarily kill him.

Austin Powers: This one can be summed up in one sentence: If Austin is surronded by the International Sisterhood of String Bikini Babes, will he even once think about the fight? He's out of the running for not actually being aware that the fight is going on.

So, that leaves Crocodile Hunter, Marvin, Terminator, Calvin, and Moses as remaining competitors. Calvin will likely meet up with Crocodile Hunter, and start asking him about the local flora and fauna. Before long, CH will be engrossed in discussion with Calvin, and the two will no longer be fighting with the others. Next, Moses, having seen what Terminator did to Cookie Monster, will determine he is the greater threat, and will call a Plage of Electrical Failures down onto him. Then, he will turn to Marvin. Marvin will ask him, "Do you know what were God's Final Message to His Creation?" Moses will answer, "Yea, they were in those books that I transcribed for Him." Marvin will say, "Nope. They were, 'We apologize for the inconvenience.'" "What? How?" "They're written right there, in thirty- foot high letters of fire on the crest of the Quentulus Quazgar Mountains." "But..." "Big guy never told you? I guess he didn't trust you with the important stuff." At this point, Moses would become overwhelmed with self-pity, and would jump towards Bush, who would shoot him out of self-defence (Bush would have missed the entire conversation, and would believe Moses was going to start clubbing him). Marvin would then say, "Oh, goody. I've won this pitiful contest. Brain the size of a planet, and they thought I could lose. Oh well, I'd better get off this planet, before the Vorgon construction ships vaporize it." He then activates the Thumb, and gets off the planet just before it is destroyed to make way for an intergalactic highway (destroying the USA and Austin Powers in the process, just in case you didn't think they were already destroyed). In the end, the victor is Marvin. How depressing.

- Randall

- NatureBoy

All that's left is Steve Irwin and the good old USA. Moses brings on a nice little swarm of locusts. "Crikey!" says Steve, and is soon lost in a lecture about locusts and other insects, no longer interested in the fight or his Politician Plantation. "It's between you and me, Moses," says George W. "This should be easy," replies the Hebrew prophet. "I think you misunderestimate me," says George. "Want a peanut?" offers Moses. "Har har har. I'm not falling for that one again," says President Bush. "Besides, I've got God on my side too! God bless america!" Moses is about to slay him when a horde of angry democrats swarm him, babbling about political correctness. They then scurry away, leaving the bloody remains of former President Bush. "Okay, the way is clear," says God, waving Moses on to lead the Israelites to the promised land.

- Kari

Marvin the Paranoid Android: Oh, gee, how could ANYONE kill a SUICIDAL robot? It's NOT LIKE it's his DREAM to DIE. As Steve pushes Marvin off the Washington Monument, we hear the paranoid one say "I think...I feel good about this" shortly before impact.

Austin Powers: Normally, the Star Power Factor© of a new movie would cede this straight to Austin, as Goldmember was truly fabulous. Unfortunately, ol' Steve-o just released Collision Course, a movie which, while not good, gives him some Star Power© as well. I'm sure that the Bikini Babes are really a ploy by Irwin to lure Austin into his new habitat, a swingin' pad at Australia Zoo.

U.S.A.: I'm proud to be an American, sure, but in the aforementioned Collision Course, Steve Irwin successfully outsmarts the CIA. Several times. I imagine Dubya and Co. will just turn tail the SECOND they see the Croc Hunter.

Cookie Monster: All he wants is some COOOOOOOOOKIES! And Steve will step out of his way and let him have his COOOOOOOOKIES! And then the Cookie Monster will realize he, also, has been tricked. The drugged cookies KO the Monster, allowing the Croc Hunter to set him up in a new location where cookie snatchers will no longer take his feast.

T-800 Terminator: Tricky, tricky indeed. The T-800 is actually capable of seeing through Steve's traps and tracking down the Hunter. Unfortunately, Steve was merely baiting the Terminator towards Moses, who promptly splits the heathen in two with the power of God. Sometimes you gotta use other resources to get what you want.

Moses: Crikey indeed. Steve's gonna have to think hard to beat this guy, what with the power of God and all. Pretty hard to top that. Luckily, Moses tries the "cross the Potomac" ploy, but Steve, having read the Bible, doesn't follow. After waiting in Virginia for a few months, Moses gives up, moves to New York, and starts a band. Hey, it could happen...

Calvin: Hyperactive. Crazy. Loves animals. Did I just describe Steve Irwin or Calvin? That's right, these two are practically father and son! Within five minutes, Calvin and Steve have taken off so Steve can teach Calvin "dahngeraus" skills, like croc wrangling and grabbing snakes by the tail. Calvin's happy, and Steve's the new TOC Champ!

Oh, who am I kidding? Calvin wins.

- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

Return to WWWF Tournament of Champions VII

THE FINAL WORD...

I can't decide, so I'll just declare it a tie

- Bud Selig, commissioner of baseball

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