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What is Game Show Mania? What is Grudge Match? What is Game Show Mania?

The Scenario

"Jimmy, who are these totally strange strangers who are trying to win MY money?" asks Ben Stein.

"Well, if you'd keep your drawers on, I'd tell you," replies Jimmy Kimmel. "Our first guest is Regis Philbin. Regis has a game show of his own."

"I wish it were mine, but ABC owns it," Regis retorts. "WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO GET A GAME SHOW AROUND HERE?"

"Relax or I'll sick Cody Gifford on ya!" jokes Jimmy. "Our second guest is Pat Sajak. Well, lookee here. He has his own game show, too."

"Yeah, Vanna's not here, is she?" Pat asks. "Seriously, it's nice to have a solo project."

"I hope your score is so low I get to keep my $5000," snaps Ben. "Jimmy, who's this last contestant?"

"Our last contestant is Alex Trebek--and he's got HIS own game show."

"It's nice to be on a classic game show," answers Alex. "At least classic compared to some of those fad game shows."

"Oh yeah, Trebek?" replies Regis. "You're just lucky shrimp-boy is between the two of us or that toupee would be jammed in that big mouth of yours!"

"Shrimp-boy?" moans Pat. "I'm here to win money for my favorite charity and I have to put up with this?"

"Shut up, scrawny," replies Alex. "This ain't your fight!"

"It is now!" threatens Pat. "I'll punch your teeth in so far you'll need to buy a vowel to read a street sign!"

So, HotBranch!, which "Who's Hot" host will hoist his hands in victory?

Win Ben Stein's Money Ben Stein and Jimmy Kimmel

Win Ben Stein's Money

Alex Trebek, Jeopardy! Pat Sajak, Wheel of Fortune Regis Philbin, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Alex Trebek


Pat Sajak


Regis Philbin

The Commentary

HOTBRANCH: Beware the Trebek coif! It's coming to get you, and it won't stop until its hunger for competitors' blood has been satisfied. It's a little known fact that about one individual in 6 billion has the evil hair gene. If you thought Alex was responsible for all those difficult Jeopardy questions, you were wrong, just plain wrong, man! It's the hair! It's always been the hair. Trebek's body is just along for the ride. Sajak and Philbin won't know what hit them as Alex's hair unleashes a lethal combination of RAGE™ and WhoopAss™ creating a new world order of hurt. Ben Stein can try to appeal to Trebek's intellectual side, asking for mercy to fellow humans despite the single-digit IQ required for their game shows, but intellect and reason have been bound, gagged, and tied to a chair (Pulp Fiction style) by the hair.

For 16 years the hair has been sitting atop Trebek's noggin, frustrated that it was never able to punish the stupid contestants. For a decade and a half, it's had to watch as stupid people walked away with vacations, Turtle wax™, and other sundry™ rewards for their failure. The hair's demonic behavior and evil temper were kept at bay by a reinforced shell composed mostly of an extract of witch hazel, isopropyl alcohol, butyl ester, aminomethyl propanol, dimethicone copolyol, and hydrolyzed soy protein (AKA hair spray). But this appearance on "Celebrity Win Ben Stein's Money" was the opportunity of the hair's lifetime.

You see, Comedy Central has a rather limited budget, and, just like the liquor in the green room, the hairspray is watered down. So much so, that A) no amount of it will get you drunk and B) your hair is as under control as Dana Carvey imitating a crack-induced love scene between Rosie O'Donell and Regis Philbin. The structural integrity of the follicular prison, weakened by an inferior haircare product, was easily compromised by the evil hair as it set upon the objects of its ire. Even professional sadists and desensitized teenagers™ watching the show were sickened by the level of violence and brutality that the hair inflicted upon Sajak and Philbin.

With the initial attack's bloodlust temporarily quenched, the hair was quickly subdued by a tactical response team of hairdressers, all named Ramðn, armed with semi-automatic gel and mouse dispensers. The result: a new, Alcatrazian hair style for Trebek, $5000 of Ben Stein's money, and the warm, happy feeling of having rid the world of Regis.

JEFF: Let me tell you, Pat Sajak is not the mild-mannered guy he appears to be. Imagine yourself in Pat's shoes: Every morning you get up and dress in your favorite Mormon suit. You drive to the studio through the smog and traffic of LA. Once there, you are greeted by three contestants and the beautiful Vanna White. Are the contestants gifted with an intellectual and enlightened mind? Are they possessed of a dignified and reserved demeanor? No! These people are filling in the blanks for random phrases. Do you have any idea the kind of emotional control it takes to, day in and day out, watch the heathen trailer-park residents, expanded by a strict diet of Fritos and Coke, jump up and down with ecstatic joy at the prospect of solving the riddle "SPANK M_," with the inevitably overweight winner licking her lips in anticipation of pressing her rotund, sweaty body up to the host and giving him a big, wet kiss, as the scantily-clad Vanna laughs from her unattainable vantage of the letterboard, mocking Sajak with her painted Jezebel lips and heaving bosoms? See how he smiles and compliments the winner, but do not be fooled! Yea, I tell you! Pat Sajak is himself filled with the very foulness of sinful Satan, and the bitter cup of Lust and Hate has filled his heart full, and he will take up his microphone, or a convenient lightstand, and smite the heads of his enemies, even as Samson took the jawbone of an ass and smote his enemies. Let the foul Trebek search his vile notecards for the answer to Sajak's wrath; he will find his answer not! Let the blackhearted deceiver Philbin drink his coffee and call upon the minions of the NFL; the husband and friends of Cathy Lee Gifford will forsake him! Even as one final straw may break a camel's back, so will the insults of these intellectual pretenders finally set loose the firestorm of hate that is Sajak. Like the sands of the hourglass, the days of the lives of the enemies of Sajak will be numbered. Sajak will phrase his murder of Trebek in the form of a question! Death to Philbin will be Sajak's final answer! Let the false game-show host wail and gnash his teeth! Let the former morning talk-show host rend his new designer garments! It will avail them not! No English teacher from Illinois, no banker from Florida, no stock-broker from California can save them now. No festively colored Jell-O mold impregnated with anti-intuitive salad fixings shall soothe the frenzied Sajak. Verily, I tell thee! The grated carrots in the lime Jello-O will only make him like unto the deadly Coleman of Grudge Matches past. See the uncontrolled Sajak storm the studio audience! Watch him strangle the rural Alabama philistines with the intestines of his fallen enemies! Hear me now, Grudge Match voters, the hour of Sajak is now upon you! Leave behind your home versions of Jeopardy. Stay not by the phone as a lifeline to the allies of the Millionaire host. Fear now, and beg for mercy; and should you be righteous, and should you be humble, and should you buy a vowel with an open heart, you may be yet spared. Inthenameofjesuschrist, Amen.

...uh, sorry. Just got back from Utah.

MARK: Regis Philbin will win.

First, Alex Trebek is pathetic. He's a wannabe. He can't deal with Regis being so popular. But, if you've seen Win Ben Stein's Money, you know that Stein is as envious of Trebek as Trebek is of Philbin. If anyone on Stein's show phrases their response in the form of a question, Ben makes the person wear a dunce cap. If this were a cartoon, Ben Stein would probably drop the show's safe on Alex. This isn't a cartoon, though, so Ben will probably just club Trebek over the head with Jimmy Kimmel.

Trebek will make futile attempts to get his opponents to "phrase their punches in the form of a hug." Won't work. Oh, so sorry, but the correct response was "How did Alex get eliminated so fast?"

Pat Sajak isn't going anywhere either. "Hmmm. What punch should I throw? I'll just give the wheel a spin and ..." By the time the wheel stops at "ever even been to a gym?" Sajak will have been knocked Plus he seems a smaller fellow than the other two. If you're smaller, you'd better either have a belt with a color modifier or be packing heat. Pat is eliminated.

Regis Philbin. Ah, Regis. Regis = king. Literally! Dude, that's what the name means!!! How cool is that? Plus, his alma mater is Notre Dame. Regis + Notre Dame = king of the Fighting Irish. It all adds up to victory for Mr. Philbin.

Also, Regis is a pretty energetic person. Even in the calm of his game show, you can see the energy in his eyes. Why, stick a cord in his butt and you could light up most of New York! If you look into Pat Sajak's eyes during Wheel of Fortune, all you see is fear--fear that the winner of the next puzzle will put him in a bear hug. If you look into Alex Trebek's eyes during Jeopardy, all you see is the reflection of the index cards he's holding. Unless Pat and Alex are hiding wires to ground themselves, they’re doomed right here!

But, that's not all. Regis works out. He's in prime physical condition and is ready to take on all opponents. He's survived Kathie Lee Gifford. I don't think Pat and Alex will cause him any trouble. (God help them if either one mentions the name "Cody.")

Pat, it's 50-50 that you'll be eliminated first. Alex, is that your final brain wave? I'd like to phone a bookie, because, when we ask the audience, I believe they'll vote Regis Philbin the winner.

Thanks to the three people that suggested the Alex Trebek vs. Pat Sajak concept which has been in the works for quite sometime: Steve Saunders, Barry Margulies at Johns Hopkins, and Vermin Boy. Thanks also to the people that suggested Regis in some way: Pksoze, Harry, and Wally Mallette. Our very own Shane™ came up with the perfect setting for all three contestants.

The Results

Alex Trebek (657 - 62.6%)


Regis Philbin (260 - 24.8%)


Pat Sajak (133 - 12.7%)

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Voter Comments


Here in New Zealand we don't have many gameshows. After looking at the er, contestants for this match (how much hairspray have they used??) I hope the situation stays that way.

- Nicky Lewer

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

A while ago, when I inquired why I didn't get ROTW, Jeff told me it's because I need to dumb-down my responses. Here. Dumb this down, Suck-A. To completely unravel the denouement, thereby producing a convincing solution to the conundrum requires a rational, epistemological or ontological approach. It is necessary to recognize the chiral nature of the racemic isomerism, thus preventing any inconsequential diversions. In order to verify or to falsify the progenisis of this anachronistic causal system, we must explore the realities of our thesis from an entirely independent and dysfunctional architectural platform. There can be no bi-directional or retrograde attention to concomitant systemic interrelationships. Our selection rules must of course recognize the logistical but irrelevant quality assurance contexts. Jeff's implicit recognition that Sajak and Satan sound the same and are the same is thus correct. That's why I voted for the other guy. Or did I? Now I've forgotten.

- Jeff's Dad

You mispelled "progenesis."
And remember when you fill out your will: It's "Jeff," not "Jiff." - Jeff

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Since I! suggested this clash of the game show titans (minus the pathetic addition of Pat), I naturally checked for the "Mangled and Killed Button(TM)". Seeing there was none, I immediately summed up the goings-on in this epic battle: Regis: Bad suits and dentures that suggest that he brushes with bleach Pat: Has a hyped-up game of hangman for a career Alex: Smart, but, as Hotbranch pointed out, has a dead rat for hair. The result of this: Ben: For $500 dollars of MY money... Audience and Jimmy: OOOOH... Ben: "Which came first, the chicken or the egg" (Ding) Regis: I'd like to use my 50-50 on this one, Ben. Ben: No. (Ding) Pat: Um, I'd like a c, please. Ben: No. (Ding) Alex: What is the egg? Ben: Oh, I'm sorry, Alex, but that was in the form of a question (trap door opens beneath Alex, evil hair is destroyed) Ben: Jimmy, can you get these wolverines out of my sight, please?

- Zaphod Beeblebrox (who else?)

oh great, another lame, no blood, u rated, no blood, pansey, no blood, americans only, no blood match, I voted for Alex erm thingy because...well i dunno they all look the same!

- a Dog Called Demolition

We noticed a lot of confusion about this match. It actually was intended to be a fight to the death. So many of the answers assumed the game show would reach its final trivia conclusion that we wonder if anyone actually read the scenerio and commentary.
Also, Trebek is a Canadian, dumbass. - Eds.

In Europe, one only hears of two of the contestants: Alex Trebek and Regis Philbin. So, having already eliminated Pat Sajak, I'm left to consider these two. (Note: I'm assuming that the contest in question is based on a quiz, where the questions deal with "general knowledge".)

Regis Philbin: Reportedly a senior citizen "keep fit" television host; also appears (or appeared) on a show called "Regis and Kathie Lee", which is very popular among the Yanks. Now hosts "Who Wants to be a Millionaire", a version of the UK show, on which the word is, that people have won way more often. Which could be a lower standard of question, or a higher standard of contestant. Or a more homogenised society.

Alex Trebek: Ubiquitous host of the world-famous, internationally syndicated quiz-show "Jeopardy". There was even a franchise in the UK, but it was cancelled. The host was, to my mind, no substitute for our Alex. Featured previously on Grudge Matches. Managed to placate the psychotic Cliff Clavin in "Cheers".

Now here's what you don't hear Stateside:

"Alex Trebek" is just a cover identity, for Comrade Generalissimo Alessandro Trebequez. This tanned, moustachioed hero has heroically been liberating numerous South American countries nobody has heard of, from the villainous clutches of all those thuggish governments whom the A-Team still haven't annihilated. His years of earnings from "Jeopardy" have all gone on funding the People's Army, an elite group of freedom fighters. He's been allowed to remain in the US so long, because of his powerful pull amongst senior voters and his pro-free market economic policy. This match is just another fund-raiser for the Good Fight.

A vote for Comrade Generalissimo Alessandro Trebequez is a vote for freedom and good, old-fashioned American television! Viva la revolution! Viva Comrade Generalissimo Alessandro Trebequez!

- A European

It is a well-known fact that by othsmosis, game show hosts' intelligence grows to match that of his contestants. With that in mind, take the average Jeopardy! contestant and place him on Wheel Of Fortune, better known as "Scrabble for Idiots". The results are much like:
And here's our first puzzle. Boy it's a doozy!
*spins* I'd like a "T", Pat.
Wow, 7 T's.
I'd like to solve the puzzle. It's "to be or not to be that is the question".

Now we'll take that same contestant and move him to "Who Wants to Clean Up In the Nielsons". It should run something like this:

Are you ready to play "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"?
Yes, and I believe the answers are "A","D","C","B","A","C","B","B","D" and "A"
*flips all his cards* Congratulations! You've just won a million dollars!
And then the Jeopardy! contestant winds up getting called for help on his cel phone by the next "Millionaire" contestant while on his way to the car.

Thus, with such contestants to absorb knowledge from, Alex should have little trouble in demolishing his less-witty opponents.

- tuffy

Let me size the three up with the thing that stands out the most about each.
Pat Sajak: You know what? He looks an awful lot like Dan Quayle. How ironic that he has a gameshow that's all about letters. He will lose.
Alex Trebek: As the Simpsons have shown us, the guy has Goons(tm)! They could just break Stein's legs and take his money if they wanted. "He aint gettin' da home voision."
Regis Philbin: Has withstood the evil of Kathy Lee for quite some time, and saved ABC from going the way of Disco and the Dinosaurs (ignoring the fact that Disco's beginning to make something of a comeback...). Plus Dana Carvey could act as his double. I don't know what advantage this really is, but anyway...
But the clear winner of the game shows up halfway through, announced by Rod Roddy and accompanied by cheesy/cool/annoying music... "Here's your host, Booooob Bark-er!" Yes! Barker is da man! He's an old whitehaired pimp who kicked Adam Sandler's butt--and that was real! He took lessons from Chuck Norris. Plus he surrounds himself with beautiful women and fabulous prizes. He doesn't need Stein's money, he just wants to kick them all around and show who's the Greatest Game Show Host of all Time. There Can Be Only One!

- "MonkeyDog, come on down!"

The match is a wash. Anyone, and I mean, anyone familiar with the rules of Win Ben Stein's Money (tm) knows in order to win, you have to defeat Ben Stein. Naturally, the people at Grudge Match (tm) know that this is impossible for our three contestants, but cleverly left out the 'none of the above' option to hide their foreknoweldge of the outcome. Why? First the contestants: Pat Sajac, as well all know, is about as lethal as the kid from Home Alone. Unless you're a Total Dunce (tm), all he can do is slap his cheeks and yell (this sadly means that Jimmy Kimmel will be eliminated by a handfull of marbles on the floor and a falling hammer). Anyone wanting to beat the midget need only straight arm him from the forehead and watch him flail his arms a good 6" short of the target. Trebec, isn't that a Canadian name? And unless I've forgotten my history, the only way Canadians can kick any ass is if they're hockey players. And Alex, I've known hockey players and you are no hockey player. I'm sorry Alex, but you started this fight in Final Jepordy (tm), there's really no saving it.

Regis. He might stand a chance against the other two, making it to the final round, but once he goes 'mono a mono' against the great Ben Stein, he has no hope. Why? Well, aside from the clear mobility advantage (Ben wears sneakers, Regis wears loafters; on any slick studio floor, Regis takes a hit and goes pavement surfing). Ben also has the 'foregn object' advantage. No sooner will Jimmy mutter from the floor 'You have sixty seconds to survive ten hits' than Ben will smash Regis with the one weapon that 'Reg' has no defense against: AN EMMY (tm) award! That's right, Ben is armed with an actual award for quality presentation in the game show format that doubles as a hefty bludgeon. Regis will try desperatly to escape his fate with requests for phoning friends or polling the audience, but Ben will show no mercy, giving him a 50/50 chance of either winding up a brain damaged vegtable or becoming a new category for the show: "Once they'd placed him in the grave, somebody had to Filbin the dirt." Sorry, but he does warn you at the end of each show " the hope, however infinetismally small..."

- The doktor

You know, there's been a severe decrease of something very important, here at the Grudge Match. It's the Rage(tm). Yes, the almighty Rage (tm). How can you forget the Rage(tm), especially when it's so applicable here? Let's just see who we can eliminate, using the Rage (tm)... Regis has spent the last ten years with Kathie Lee Gifford. Don't tell me he doesn't have the Rage(tm). And with Sean Connery constantly making ethnic slurs and telling jokes about Trebek's mother, you know that Alex has the Rage(tm). Pat Sajak, on the other hand, spends every day with Vanna White, and can bring it in himself to make jokes--good jokes--every day. Looks like we've got to say good bye to Pat, so sorry, but we've got some nice consolation prizes for you, like this $3.00 Walmart coupon.

Hmmmm, that only eliminated one person. Well, as a member of an academic team, let me tell you that everyone on the team holds Regis Philbin in contempt. Stupid retarded questions on that stupid show, not to mention the guy himself is a f***ing moron. This is what I imagine Regis on Jeopardy to be like:

Trebek: She plays Phoebe on the NBC sitcom "Friends."
(Regis buzzes in.)
Regis: Who is Free Willy?
Trebek: (kinda stares at Regis for a sec) I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
(Regis tries to buzz in again)
Trebek: You can't buzz in twice, Mr. Philbin.
Regis: But I know it this time!
Trebek: I just told you it wasn't Free Willy, remember?
Regis: Oh yeah.

This is what I imagine Trebek on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire to be like:

Regis: The main character on the TV show Lassie was what kind of animal?
A. Pig
B. Golf club
C. Dog
D. Japan
Trebek: I'm gonna have to go with B. golf club.
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Trebek: Of course not, you simpleton. My final answer is dog.
Regis: Oooh, I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
(Trebek reflects on this for a moment)
Trebek: (calmly but clearly irritated) What?
Show's director: Aw, dammit, he misread the notecard again.
Director's assistant: You misread it, Regis!
Show's director: Geez, another one to edit out.
Trebek (to director): That's five times he's done that.
Show's director: Yeah, we're sorry about that.

Now, with all that said, if you want to know what happens with a fight between the intelligent and the very dim, you may click here, here, here, here, or here. Thank you for your time.

- Infraggable Krunk

Sajak is eliminated first because he can't answer anything unless part of the words are displayed for all to see. Trebek pulls ahead of good ol' Reeg because of his Canadian schooling, but he is ridiculed by Stein for always answering in the form of a question. So Trebek wins? Well against the other participants he gets the W, but against Benny Stein he misses every question because of Stein's wording of the questions. Stein was a dirty speech writer for the "Tricky Dick" himself, and if Stein knows anything he will have his staffers write up questions with answers like house, about, and anything that deals with 90'sAmerican pop culture. Why will Trebek miss all these questions? Canadians can't say house or about correctly, and Canadians are still stuck in the 80's (example is Montreal). Trebek in a nail biter but Stein gets the final laugh.

- Matthew a happy Scotsman leaving Cornell

Hey! We're too busy paying off the 1976 Olympic bidet, sorry... Stadium to advance into the future you call the "80s". - HB!

I voted for Alex Trebek because of one reason: The Hair. Sure it may look like a harmless toupe, but in reality it's a deadly weapon! Before the show he will cover it in hair gel, making the ends razor sharp, as a response to the first question, he will say: What is- then break off and wing his toupe batman(tm)style it will fly around the room, returning to slice the heads off of his startled opponents shoulders. Then, after Ben Stein awards him the money by default, he will go and claim Vanna as his new assisstant, with her on the show, Wheel of Fortunes Popularity SkyRockets, leaving millionaire and wheel of fortune floundering under the leadership of their new hosts, Rosie O'donnel and Cher.

- Guy hunting for a life.

This match is fairly straight forward when you look at each individual contestent. Philbin: There is no way anybody dumb enough to work with Kathy Lee all these years could win at Ben Stein's Money. Besides, he hasn't been a quiz show host long enough to have gained the useless knowledge needed to win. Trebek: At first, Trebek would seem to be the early favorite. However, most people seem to be forgeting one thing: Ben Stein HATES Jepordy. When that Hate transformes into RAGE(TM) Stein will end up kicking Trebek's ass al the way to China. This leaves us with Pat Sajak. As unappealing as this seems, he'll end up winning by default, 'cause Regis is too dumb, and Alex will be in his body cast too long to even consider competeing.

- They Might Be Matt

Alex: Can't get a chick. Period. Even Madonna wouldn't touch him. Regis: Wouldn't know what to do with a chick if he had one. Example: Kathie Lee. Pat: Vanna. Granted, Pat's supreme dorkiness certainly precludes him from ever getting anywhere with her. But at least he gets to be in ths same room with a chick AND knows more or less what to do, given half a chance. Way more than those other two morons will ever hope to get. Pat takes the game, the money, and the chick...and very definitely ONLY in that order.

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

I think it's obvious that Sajak will win. I mean, take a look at that picture of him between Alex and Regis: THE GUY'S INSANE! Look deep into his eyes, and try NOT to imagine him saying "I ate his liver with picante sauce and fava beans!"

Anyway, here's how I think the match will play out: Ben and Jimmy have wisely locked themselves in the soundproof booths, for it's clear that a fist fight is brewing. Pat moves first: "I'd like to solve the puzzle: 'I'm gonna kick your ass!'" "Ooh, I'm sorry, you forgot to phrase that in the form of a question, BITCH!" Alex boots Pat to the head; Pat crumples to the side. "Well, it looks like I've got this one in the bag!" Suddenly, Alex feels the click of a revolver at his head: "Is that your final answer?... PUNK?!" "As a matter of fact, it isn't, Regis. I'll go with DIVERSIONS for $500!" Trebek smacks the gun out of Regis' hand. Regis doesn't miss a beat as the two square off: "You've got two lifelines left. You can go 50/50..." He breaks Alex's back over his leg. "...Or, you can poll the audience!" He tosses him into the bleachers. Suddenly, a voice comes from behind him. "You forgot one, Regis," snarls Pat Sajak, "I phoned a friend!" Regis feels a high heel collide with his temple as Vanna White jumps from atop Ben's Luxury Booth(TM). "I'll grab the money, Vanna. In the meantime, why don't you buy this man a vowel?" Vanna knees Regis in the crotch: "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH....*"

EPILOGUE: Paramedics rushed Alex Trebek to the hospital, but, after three minutes deliberation, top doctors gave their diagnosis, "What is 'Dead as a doornail?'" Regis Philbin is currently residing in the Crotch Injury Ward at UMass Medical Center; He is listed in critical condition. Pat Sajak and Vanna White were last seen heading toward the Mexican border. Ben Stien beat Jimmy Kimmel like a red-headed stepchild, as he does every night. -Vermin Boy

- "I watched a lot of television, especially the game shows... I can tell you the cost of anything from 1966 to 1969." --Barnes & Barnes, "Gumby Jaws' Lament"

I know this is more than a little late but I was reading one of the past grudge matches tonight,(Rush vs. howard stern), and I noticed a serious historical mistake. De Gaulle did not support the Maginot line and in fact has been put on record as being the only high ranking French officer who reported to his seniors that it was about as useful as defense against the Germans as a silk thread to a pair of sissors. He also organized the Free French in Brtain after Dunkirk, this was the unit responsible for liberating much of France and Paris, not to mention the fact that he kicked worthless-nazi bootlicking Henri Petain out of the vichy!

- grace

Actually, this was my first ever response to the Grudge Match, and thus it is near and dear to my heart, despite it's historical innacurracies. But in the interest of coming completely clean, I would like to make the following correction about my "Peanut vs. Doughboy" response:

It turns out that Peanufkt was not actually the butcher of Roestadt; this honor goes to Col. Heinricht Chestnufkt. Peanufkt was under Rommel in the Afrika Corps during that unfortunate event.

Also, while DeGaulle was opposed to the Maginot Line, he did conduct a top-secret project just prior to WWII to launch French Pastries laced with sopoforics into German lines on the theory that the Germans would eat the confections and become too tired to advance. His fatal mistake in this project was using French pastries as the ammunition for his "pastry artillery," rather than German fare. The Germans did not recognize the delicate confections as edible, being used to a strict diet of aged "Berlinners" (jelly dougnuts). However, the Germans were quick to overrun the French positions and turn the guns on the remaining French defenders. When bombarded, the French soldiers did recognize the creamy goodness of the drugged shelling, and the resulting lack of coordination allowed the Germans to overrun the sleepy French defenses. So really, Degaulle was indirectly responsible for the French defeat in WWII, though many of these events were classified during the war, when Eisenhower commissioned the development of an American pastry artillery unit.

While pastry warfare was never deemed viable, the technology was integral to the development of today's Salad Shooter (tm). - Jeff

A truly interesting competition - three game show hosts competing on what is fast becoming the premiere quiz show today, "Win Ben Stein's Money". But this three-way match is one sided. The winner will be the lone Canadian, Alex Trebek. To see why, let's look at each of the competitors.

Pat Sajak: A seemingly friendly man who bears a considerable resemblance to J. Danforth Quayle - not a good sign. Except for working with (and maybe doing other things with, according to some reports) Vanna White, Pat Sajak is a man of no real achievements. All he has ever done in his life, except for hosting a failed talk show, is host "Wheel of Fortune" which is a fairly simple game. Heck, if you do crossword puzzles with any regularity, you can clean up on "Wheel". Sajak's similarity to Quayle and the lack of intellectual challenge will doom him on Ben Stein's show.

Regis Philbin: While highly experienced in the talk show world, he is still a newcomer to game shows. Regis may read questions well, but when it comes to answering them, that is where the trouble begins. In fact, Regis finished dead last in both of his "Jeopardy" appearances. Then there is his hyperactivity. As any schoolteacher or child psychologist will tell you, hyperactive kids generally don't do well on quizzes. Regis will be no exception. While he is not *totally* stupid (he did manage to discover Sarah Purcell and later Mary Hart - two brilliant achievements in my book), this annoying and hyperactive twit will go down and his great physical fitness won't help one bit as he chokes on question after question.

Alex Trebek: The winner. True, he is a bit conceited, stand-offish, and not very friendly, Alex has what it takes to compete in this arena. As someone who has watched "Jeopardy" since the latter part of Art Fleming's tenure and as someone who has tried nine times to get on "Jeopardy" (I pass the tests, but never get called), I know the caliber of material on the show is comparable to that found on "Win Ben Stein's Money" ("Jeopardy"'s only real competitor). Alex has been hosting "Jeopardy" for about 16 years and after looking at the card with the correct responses on it for all those years, some of that knowledge has to sink in. This alone will seal Alex's victory over the other two hosts and will greatly aid him in the final round against Ben Stein himself. If Alex wins the $5000, it could help his legal fees in that lawsuit with the airline worker.

As for Ben Stein handling our trio of hosts, no problem. For any guy who worked with both Richard Nixon and Ferris Buehler, these three won't faze him.

- The Demented Astronomer

I'm going with Trebek. My history(actually, Development of Civilization Accelerated) teacher watches Jepordy and he tells me that the show's questions cover a WIDE range of subjects: Ancient History(Which my teacher really likes) to Modern fads(Which my teacher can't give a darn about). One has to be a REAL WISE GUY to know who was the Tyrant of Athens before it became a democracy. AND to know the name of the 155th Pokemon. AT THE SAME TIME.

- My Dev of Civ A teacher's last name starts with a P

I cannot possibly convey, in any truly significant manner, the true depths of my disappointment with this match. Yes, I hoped for this match for a long time.

But where the hell is Ben? Where the @#$!&% is Ben?! Where the cotton-pickin' ratsafratchin' @#$!&% is BEN!?

Trebek is definitely the winner in this contest, though if Sajak were replaced by Merv Griffin (Who for a long, long, long time wrote ALL the puzzles) he might have a slightly better chance than a snowball in hell.

I cannot vote on this match. Not unless an option for Ben is added, or a disclaimer that the game only denotes who LOSES to Ben at the end. I just cannot manage to bring myself to vote for any of these people.

Datsun Q. Wanderer - Wishing for Ben Stein's Brainpan

- Datsun Q. Wanderer

The winner in this match is simple through process of vicious elimination. Suddenly, Kathie Lee enters from behind a flat, brought in on a throne carried by tired, downtrodden migrant workers from her K-mart line. The throne gives way under the weight of her massive ego, killing all of the workers and giving them peace, blessed peace at last. Kathie Lee rolls up her sleeves, and with a smile that would frighten a school of piranha, takes her place next to Regis, trying desperately to withstand the flood of exuberant sweat that flows out from under his evil rug. Trebek and Sajak look anxiously on as she begins whispering the answers into Regis ear feverishly. Ben Stein merely looks annoyed, and Jimmy sits back on his stool, flanked by the Juggies from The Man's Show.

But just as suddenly, flown in from the cats comes Vanna White, her sequined dress temporarily blinding everyone in the studio. In her hands she holds a television screen from the Wheel of Fortune Quiz board...the object that has basically made her completely useless on the show for over three years ever since she stopped turning the wheels and the execs over at ABC figured she should just "look pretty". Kathie Lee's smile contorts into snarl of rage, and her claws extend ala Wolverine. She pushes Regis out of the way, and comes down from behind the contestant booths, her arms outstretched in a "come hither and get some!" attitude. Vanna responds by grasping the TV by the cord and swinging it into Kathie Lee's head, but it merely bounces back from the force of her immovible coif. Both women go into hysterical catfight mode, while Sajak and Regis egg each of their women on from the safety behind the console. And Alex Trebek merely shakes his head sadly, watching the debacle. Kathie lee gouges Vanna's eyes, and Vanna responds with shooting Gifford in the eyes with her own Walmart brand perfume. The women continue to rip each other apart, as Stein sits back with a tub of popcorn and a bottle of Clear And Jimmy Kimmel is giving a play by play by new arrival Adam Corolla.

Finally the two women manage to mortally wound each other, and as each woman lays dying, Philbin and Sajak rush to the side of thier respective teammate. As Kathie Lee dies, Regis suddenly feels his skin begin to was Kathie Lee's heath care products that were still keeping him alive, and now that she has died, they have lost all of their amazing regenerative powers. Ala Dick Clark, Philbin ages past ninety in a matter of seconds, and with that loses all mental and physical cohesion. Meanwhile, with each last breath Vanna White breaths, Sajak's popularity takes a beating, until he is reduced to a complete nobody in the eyes of the audience and fades out of existence. At this point Alex Trebek walks over from where he has stood watching the whole spectacle silently and spits on both Regis and Sajak's grave. Then he turns to Stein. "This is why I work alone."

Stein nods, and then looks at Kimmel with a wild eyed murderous look that has never entered the normarily stolid host's face before. "Now that you mention it...." After the ensuing carnage, Adam Korolla recieves a new co host of the Man Show in the form of the resurrected ghost of John Belushi. The New Man Show wins ten Emmys, and the Pope canonizes both Korolla and Belushi, as they were meant to be.

Winner: Alex Trebek, and the American public in general for the loss of such complete wastes of space.

- Chris Zaczek

I smell a rat. "Shut up, scrawny," replies Alex. "This ain't your fight." "This ain't your fight"? "This AIN'T your fight"? Alex Trebek is the smug guy at parties that always acts smarter than you, because he is smarter than you. No way in hell would Alex Trebek ever use the word "ain't." Just like in the Addams/Munsters fight and the Q/Inspector Gadget fight, you have once again presented us with an impostor combatant. This may be because you couldn't come up with enough money to get Alex on here, but I suspect it was because Alex was too much of a wuss to show up. So I guess I'll vote for the fake Alex, because he's got to be tougher than the real Alex, or any game show host for that matter.

- My name is Kenny

Ahh yes, who'd win? Well, following "Win Ben Stein's Money" format, after the first round, the contestant with the lowest score is eliminated. Considering that on Reg's and Alex's shows, you need to actually possess knowledge, and that learning is possible through osmisis, Regis and Alex would go on, while Pat is sunk. The only thing you can learn in Wheel is how to do crosswords. Also keep in mind that while the round takes place, Ben and Jimmy would have some serious fun ribbing them. I see Ben, after all three shank a question, saying, "Does anybody here know the answer? Philbin? Trebeck? Sajak? Bueller? Bueller?" to massive applause from the audience. So, Alex and Regis go on to round two. Now they're in trouble. Not only do they have to deal with the tougher questions and each other, but now they must deal with the Ben-inator himself, who, I'm willing to wager, is far more intelligent than both combined. It'd be close, but I think that Regis would squeak by Alex to go on to round three. However in round three, I see Rege failing the Ten Questions against Ben. Although Rege "wins" the game, he doesn't get the $5000. None of these three could clock Ben. Ben just knows too much.


I say the bad puns on Win Ben Stein's Money kills them all.

- Kenneth Munson

Who are you kidding here?

This is "Win Ben Stein's Money", and the 3 sorry competitors ain't winnin a dime of ben's precious loot. Well, maby a hundred bucks or so.

During the first (easy question) round, Alex gets $100, after all, he had to learn SOMETHING standing at that podium, while both Regis and Pat fail dismally. Regis can't answer any question that isn't multiple choice (including such stumpers as "What is your name", and Pat only knows how to spin a wheel.

After 3 frustrating tiebreaker questions where both Regis and Pat fail miserably, the Powers that Be (namely, Ben) decides to give a multiple choice, two possible answer, question. Regis, guesses randomly, and wins. And that is his final answer.

So the second round begins: Alex ($100), Regis ($0), and Ben ($$$$). And Ben smokes them all. Hardcore. Every question. So the round ends where it began, Alex $100, Regis $0, and Ben sitting on $4900.

Finally, the test of 10. Alex goes first, gets one. Ben responds by getting 8. Ben wins.

I guess, technically, maby, Alex is the winner, after all, he walked away with $100 of Ben's money. Well, not really walked. More like shuffeled away, muttering under is breath, infuriated by the sharp salute he received from Ben. But really, the winner here, who kept almost ALL of the loot, is


- There is no Ben Stein Jihad

It all comes down to the Chainsaw Test(tm)

The chainsaw is undoubtedly the only weapon suitable for such a titanic - and televised - struggle of opponents. Seeing two of these three beaten, even to death, is not enough for the typical American television viewer these days. No, as our moral sensitivity declined, our need for violence and gore has increased exponentially. The producers of this show, seeing the fight about to begin - and wanting to obtain the highest ratings possible at the least expense - will toss three fully-fueled chainsaws within reach of the contestants.

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: "Good thing we had them sign those waivers before the show."


Now, imagine with me if you will the reaction of each combantant upon recieving his Motorized Tool of Carnage(tm).

ALEX TREBEK:[Starts chainsaw, tilts it back and forth, looking at it appraisingly] "Well, now that's a fine piece of craftmanship. You know, I had an uncle who was a lumberjack..."

PAT SAJAK: [Starts chainsaw, gives the audience a wide-eyed smile of surprise and delight] "Whoa-ho-hoa! Listen to that baby!"

REGIS PHILBAN: [Says nothing. Starts chainsaw with a vicious tug and grimaces (grins?!?) as he charges the others. Still marvelling at the "Lovely Parting Gifts(tm)", Alex and Pat don't see ol' Reg until it's far, far too late]

Seriously, folks. Isn't it a lot easier to picture Regis as a chainsaw-weilding maniac than anyone else on stage? Of course it is. Thus, by method of the Chainsaw Test(tm), the victory is easily handed over to Regis "Who wants to be a million pieces?" Philban.

- ~the Stranger

JIMMY: And our categories are: Collect $200 Whenever You Pass Van Gogh, Look At the Mesopotamia You¹ve Gotten Us In, Sir France-a-lot, I¹ll Be Bach, and Hawaiian Girls Are Easy Leis.
PAT: Multiple letters per television screen. Golly, this is going to take some getting used to.
ALEX: Only five questions to choose from. I dare say my hundred dollar questions pack more of a punch than these juvenile categories.
REGIS: Five measly thousand? The top prize is five measly thousand? Someone tells me their birthday and they¹re up to five thousand. I tip the car wash guy more than that.
PAT: You know, on the Wheel we¹ve got a five thousand dollar space.
BEN: Good for you, Pat. When you have the brass ones to put your salary on the line like I do, I¹ll start caring about your rinky-dink wheel.
JIMMY: So sorry that late night show didn¹t work out, Patty. You ever watch Craig Kilborne in bed with a gun to your head?
PAT: I¹m surprised you can watch anything in bed over that stomach of yours.
JIMMY: Well, I have been meaning to learn bulimia. What¹s Vanna¹s number?
PAT: Vanna¹s a wonderful woman. Leave her out of this.
JIMMY: I¹ll leave ME out of this as soon as the Man Show catches on. Watch the Man Show, folks.
PAT: Yes, that episode about boogers was particularly thought-provoking.
JIMMY: They tasted good in second grade, they taste good now.
REGIS: Oh, go buy a girdle, frat boy! You¹re annoying me, and I¹ve worked with Kathie Lee for fifteen years!
ALEX: May I remind the players that I have managed to avoid a sidekick or cohost of any kind, thanks to the quality of my show. Weird Al even did a parody of it.
JIMMY: The Al song came out before your version of Jeopardy existed! Don¹t try sneaking that past me, you Canuck bastard.
BEN: I have to help you with your tax forms, but you know Weird Al chronologies from twenty years ago. Did I recruit a sidekick at an arcade?
REGIS: Try a 900 number next time, after fatboy has a coronary. We¹re making a bundle off it.
ALEX: Jeopardy recruits from around the country, and never charges a fee. We hold to our ethics as the premier game show.
REGIS: Except for Celebrity Jeopardy, when your questions turn into ³What color shoes are you wearing?² for the cast of 90210!
ALEX: Answers, not questions, Regis. And your celebrity edition was fraught with dullards, too.
REGIS: Rosie O¹Donnell woulda torched my house if I didn¹t! I¹m just glad she didn¹t win the full million, or else Gelman would ride me about it like a log flume!
BEN: The million dollar question should have been about singing on key. That should ensure her out of contention.
PAT: I¹m glad the wheel noise has made me partially deaf, or else I¹d have gone insane from your monotone. Are you an android?
BEN: Yes. (Shoots lasers from his eyes. that evaporate Pat and Alex.)
PAT: Oh ... darn it ... ALEX: What is ... pain?
BEN: Do you have dry, irritated flesh? (Swings his eyebeams to Regis, hits his tie, deflects and vaporizes Jimmy.)
JIMMY: Watch ... the Man Sh ...
REGIS: And you wonder why I wear these things. (Whips out a cell phone.) I¹m phoning a friend. Gelman, drop it! (A metric ton of dollar bills lands square on Ben, crushing his circuits).
BEN: Bueller ... bueller ...
REGIS: And that¹s my final answer, asswipe.

- Kilgore Trout

What the?!?! A hard match to decide on and NO BRENDAN COMMENTARY TO ELIMINATE A CHOICE, LEAVING ONLY THE RIGHT AND THE WRONG ANSWER?!?!?! I should boycott you disallowing my new 2/3 Lifeline. But I won't. All right, so I guess an audience poll should...WHAT?!?! TREBEK'S WINNING THE POLL BY FAR?!?! People, this is Win Ben Stein's Money ON GRUDGEMATCH! How many seconds until Ben rips him a new one over their jealosy? Huh? So I got Call A Friend left. Well, I don't need it. Philbin's got a catch phrase. Sajak is...Sajak. Regis cleans house easily. And yes, THAT'S my final answer.

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee

Rambette and I discussed this match. It went like this:

Rambette:Regis is too nice to go for the groin bite. Alex is too "classy" to go for the groin bite. Sajak. Sajak would go for the groin bite.

Mr. Silverback:Yep.

- Mr. Silverback & Rambette - Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!

Trebek all the way. As Nostradmaus knew, last week, 'Age and experience always win out over youth and exuberance'. While Regis probably has a few years on the other two, Trebek has dwelt in the land of the publicly ignorant for more years and he knows what is.

And then there is (iiiieeee!) The Hair (tm).

Developed in the same Canadian government 'black project' research skunkworks that created the crawling horror known as William Shatner's Amazing Separable Scalp (tm), The Hair was developed as an assassination weapon for undercover operatives.

Unfortunately, just as it appears, The Hair has a mind of its own and requires constant mental control from a superior intellect. (Trebek must lock it into a secure box before sleeping.) Several 'unfortunate incidents' involving agents who happened to see P. Anderson's 'VIP" (or any show with D. Hasselhof in it) with resultant loss of IQ points demonstrated that only a trained mental giant could wield it safely. Only Trebek has the guts to wear it in public.

The Studio Police have covered up the rare incidents where The Hair has 'gone off' because of unfortunate gaffes by unworthy 'Jeopardy' contestants. But here, in a non-network setting, with his archenemies near, Alex Trebek will allow The Hair to slake its hideously inhuman, evil bloodlust.

Ben Stein will wash his hands twenty or thirty times a day for the rest of his life. He will be unable to say 'Gets the red out'in his Visine commercials ever again without collapsing in a quivering, sobbing, heap. The twelve or thirteen Comedy Channel viewers that happen to be tuned in when it occurs will need retinal surgery to regain their sight.

But it will be a long time before they can sleep again.

- WebPilgrim

No one wins - Ben Stein just uses his famous Monotone(tm) to bore the contestants to death and then monopolizes the game show industry. Long Live Stein!

- The Ben Stein Jihad (there is no jihad)

It's quite obvious who the winner of this match-up will be. Pat and "Reeg" don't stand a chance.

It will all start at the very beginning of the game, when the Anti-Regis Jihad (Trust me, there is a Jihad) will storm onstage and drag the annoying This section censored due to Federal Decency Ordinances. off stage and beat him to death with baseball bats. I myself will lead the charge. With Regis gone, Ben is forced to call in his alternate contestant, Bob Barker.

From there, the contest quickly degenerates into a farce. Bob, distracted by the young women in the audience, forgets which show he's on and calls out the market value of Ben's shoes, coat, cuckoo clock, and other accessories. Pat, a simple soul, is confused when he sees the questions on the computer screens change without Jimmy touching them. Also, he seems unable to accept the fact that Ben's costar is (thankfully!) not wearing a designer dress. With these twin paradoxes careening around his mind, his brain shorts out during the first round. Although Bob does better in the second round, he's no match for Alex and Ben, who's game shows actually require thought.

We at the Anti-Regis Jihad do admit, however, that some security guards might actually care enough about the man to protect him from us. Indeed, they might even stop us from carrying out our holy mission. This will not, however, change the final outcome of the match, as Regis will be confused by "this buzzing thing" and the fact that every answer is his final answer. While he does manage to make it to the second round, he gets laughed off the set for trying to use a lifeline. Either way, Alex is the one advancing to the sound-proof booth.

Editor's note: Unfortunately, due to the love Ben feels for Alex, all the questions are rigged and Alex only comes away with a few hundred dollars of Ben Stein's money and the warm fuzzy feeling of seeing Regis' bruised body lying facedown in the parking lot. How unfortunate...

- Armagrodden

I didn't know who to vote for, so I used my 50/50 TM. Eliminating Pat, I couldn't decide whether to vote for Alex or Regis. My Phone-A-Friend TM said to vote for Alex, but the audience was in favor of Regis. In the end I went with my gut instinct, which was Regis. However that was wrong and I dropped down to the $32,000 level. I guess the right answer and true winner was Alex Trebek the whole time. Damn, I wish I had walked away. I lost $218,000.

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

If this were an intellectual contest, it would be a no-brainer. Pat Sajak's game show barely requires contestants to have the IQs of fleas; Regis Philbin's so-called game show (ratings vehicle) requires the IQ of a flea as well as the ability to answer questions to which everyone knows the answer, or questions to which no one knows the answer. Jeopardy, on the other hand, requires the command of a wide range of knowledge, which would be especially useful to Alex Trebek in the final round against Ben Stein himself. In an intellectual contest, Alex Trebek wins hands down.

However, this isn't a contest of intellect, so none of that matters. But Mr. Trebek will still win in a fisticuffs matchup. Why? Let us examine where these men grew up. Regis Philbin grew up in New York City. Pat Sajak grew up in Chicago. Alex Trebek spent his childhood in Canada. Alex Trebek, therefore, played hockey as a child. Trebek, using Jimmy Kimmel as a makeshift hockey stick, checks Sajak across the room, then, pulling off imaginary gloves, proceeds to pummel Philbin as "final answer" man calls for help from Kathie Lee. Alex wins in twenty seconds, maximum. Ben Stein tells him, "Impressive, but I'll still make you wear the dunce cap if you answer in the form of a question."

- Eric Snyder II

Alex will smite his second-rate foes to the ground, and it's not because he's stronger, or smarter, or because his hairpiece doubles as an Oddjob-esque ninja star. It's because of one factor that should never be underestimated or overlooked. He's Canadian. What could be more condusive to RAGE(TM) than that? For years he's had to live in the States, surrounded by Americans, having to ask (answer?) questions about American history, American poiltics, American culture... And when there's finally a question dealing with Canada, how his face lights up! And then the contestants get it wrong anyway. It's enough to drive any Canadian insane! You have to understand, for the most part Canadians hate Americans even more than the Iraquis do. We've lived right beside you for centuries and we still have to put up with your bizarre myths about us living in igloos and spearing polar bears. No doubt Alex has felt the Rage(TM) rising for a long time. This is the perfect opportunity to give vent to it. Alex grabs Pat and Regis's heads and whacks them together repeatedly, screaming "I (whack) AM (whack) CANADIAN (whack) DAMMIT!!!" Total victory for Alex. Vive le Canada!

- J.R. the Ranting, Pissed Off Canadian

MARK: He's survived Kathie Lee Gifford. To use an over-used quote; "Nuff said". All Mark had to say was that one line. Everything else was unnecessary. I am of course, referring to Frank Gifford.

- Boba Foot

Alex wins easily......this is hard for me to say as i am still mad that i didn't get picked for College Jeopardy even though I passed the test.......DAMN THE GODS FOR ALLOWING A HOT GIRL FROM MY SCHOOL TRY OUT AS WELL........sorry for the digression.....but seriously, Alex is Ukrainian by blood.....he has years of Slavic RAGE(tm)built up inside him.....he comes from the people who produced Ivan the terrible, Joe Stalin, and Nikita Khrus.....errrrr forget the last one......But with this bloodline he will be unbeatable........I mean would you pick Kathy Lee's B***h or the Dan Quayle impersonator Pat Sajak over Josef Stalin????? I don't think so. Alex will call on his roots and bust a can of pogram on their collective asses and then shank them with a broken vodka bottle

- Amish Commando

right, like trebek would be on stien's game show. these two have a rift between them bigger than my uncle's bar tab

- kramertim

Here are the results I (along with the help of game show veteran Nostradamus) predict: * Say goodbye after Round 1 to Pat Sajak. Why? Wheel Of Fortune requires the least amount of intelligence to win. A two year old with A.D.D. could win on his show. No intelligence required to win = no intelligent game show host required. * Regis is the next to go. While his game show is undoubtedly much more challenging than Pat's, years of being subjected to constant droning about Codie and Frank and Carnival Cruise Lines will catch up with Regis when Jimmie Kimmel announces the category "Win one for the Gifford." Regis suffers an incredible mental breakdown and is unable to answer any more questions leaving Ben one on one with Alex Trebek. * At the end of round 2, Alex still has $1200 of Ben Stein's Money. Ben asks Alex if he'd like to go to the isolation booths first or second. Alex chooses second. * Ben promptly answers 7 questions correctly. Alex gets off to a good start, answering the first 5 correctly, but stumbles on questions 6 and 7. 8 and 9 are cake for Mr Trebek, leaving only question 10 between Alex and $5000 of Ben Stein's Money. But as soon as Jimmy asks the question, "What actor starred as the first James Bond?" Trebek's resolve waivers. Flashbacks of Alex's battles with Sean Connery on Saturday Night Live shake his composure (Sean: "I'll take 'The Penis Mightier'," Alex: "That's 'The pen is mightier'") as he blurts out "ARE YOU ENGLISH OR ARE YOU RETARDED?!?!?!?" * Ben and Alex each answered 8 correctly, but Ben wins all ties. Ben Stein defends yet another $5000...

- Jay



I voted for Regis because, sadly, I had to vote for somebody in this big batch of losers. You see, what really happens is that Ben himself is the winner of this little intellectual beer garden. Enflamed by Trebek's very presence due to his deep hatred and envy of him as a "classic" game show host of the Jeapordy Juggernaught; his apathy over over Sajak's core existence; and his repulsion of Philbin that any responsible, sensible citizen of the entertainment industry has, he decides to take this oppurtunity to bump them all off right then and there.

BUT!! This is no immediate thing, NOOOO. Ben has real intelligence. He plants a virus that alters the genetic makeup of the contestant's brains that turn them to mush and give them the I.Q. of old potato (potatoe? his next victim's are presidential candidates and other politicians who say completely absurd things) salad. AND.... it's on a timer for sweeps week. He does it very simply, planting a few particles on each of the contestants buzzer's and operating the show as normal, revealing nothing. He waits days, weeks, months even before his victims mental competence breaks down. Suddenly, Pat can't remember which way the wheel turns and goes crazy as his audience mocks him. Instilled with The Rage over the fickleness of the masses, he goes into a homicidal killing spree, using a zippo and Vanna's hairspray.

Meanwhile, on "Celebrity Jeapordy", Sean Connery has finally had it to the limit with Trebek's ineptness and attack's the now sensless Trebek, quivering behind the podium, unable to even read the cards in his grubby little paws. "YOU'LL RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED ME TREBEK!!!" Connery yells. Oddly enough Philbin's mental degradation only suffers him to lose his short term memory and he constantly forgets where he puts things, going on his normally mindless little way.

Back at the studio for Ben Stein's Money, Jimmy Kimmel walks onto the stage and announces that "IT IS TIME!!!". He pulls out a remote that has two buttons on it and hands it to Ben. Jimmy and Ben bow to each other, then the crowd. Ben presses the first button, lowering three giant screens from the ceiling of his studio, each showing the current demise of his adversaries. He presents them to the audience proclaiming, "With this button I now end the feud of bad TV gaming and exalt myself as the greatest of all time. LONG LIVE THE KING!!!" He presses the second button, which activates a culture of nanobots inside the ear of each of his enemies, carefully planted months ago by the makeup guy, Ramon. The nanobots have formed a speaker which plays a recorded message, allowing each victim to know one last moment of cognizance and in that moment, know who did this to them. On the screens, Pat, Alex, and Regis all raise their fists to the sky, look towards the approving face of the Lord Almighty and as one, bellow..... DAMN YOU, BEN STEEEEEEIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Ben and Jimmy again bow to the crowd, thank Jon Stewart for so carefully harvesting the "stupid gene" from such interviewees as ninety year old Bob, who intends to take over the salmon hatchery business, and then the world, with a lucky tube of toothpaste. Jon bows to them and the three take their leave. The crowd roars in approval, and the angel's Michael and Gabriel visit every nation proclaiming a new holy day.

- Loco Poco

I don't know who will win this match, but I do know that if even a single host walks away from this match with his toupee intact, humanity is the only loser.

There's only one true Grudge Match(tm) champion worthy of beating Ben Stein at his own game, and that's the irreplaceable host of You Bet Your Life, Groucho Marx.

When he's finished ridiculing his opponents into oblivion, Groucho will then join forces with his brothers Harpo and Chico, and wreck even more gameshow havoc on the sets of Family Feud, The Dating Game (with special guest Margaret Dumont), and Supermarket Sweep.

- Troy "guvnor" Wood

If I may indulge in a spot of nationalism here... Alex Trebek is the host of what is considered the most challenging gameshow. Alex Trebek is Canadian. You have no idea how significant this is. Mr. Trebek has had to overcome a long history of Canadian gameshow stigmata to get where he is today. Canadian gameshows are laughable affairs. I kid you not; people all over Medicine Hat, Alberta tune in to see if someone will collect the 85$ jackpot. A jackpot which has been collecting for several months. And it's big news if someone wins... Still don't beleive me? Than observe these two, secretly recorded (and only mildly plagiarized) conversations:

Bill: Hi Bob, how are you?
Bob: Just fine, Bill. Why don't you come to dinner. We'll use...a brand new gas barbecue!!! With a years supply of Kingsford charcoal
Bill: Get the Kingsford edge.
Bob: But I've seen you cruising down the your brand new car!!!!!!!!!
Bill: That's right, it's a beautiful Mazda Miata, with reclining bucket seats and an AM/FM radio. But that's nothing....compared to where *you're* going!!!!!
Bob: Puerto Vailllarta, Mexico!!!!! I'll be spending 6 days, and 6 sensuous nights at the Puerto Vaillarta Inn overlooking the exotic Gulf of Mexico.
Bill: Lunch and Dinner not included, Bob.

Now, let's replay this scene in a Canadian milieu. I think you'll agree that something is different:

Bill: Hi, Bob, how are you?
Bob: Just fine Bill. Why don't you come to dinner. We'll use...these McDonaldland coupons!
Bill: Redeemable at participating franchises.
Bob: But I've seen you cruising down the your brand new....coat!
Bill: Yes, it's a beautiful down-filled coat from Walmart, good against all the ravages of the winter weather. But that's nothing...compared to where you're going!!!
Bob: Beautiful downtown Moose Jaw!!!! You'll be spending 3 days and 2 nights at the Moose Jaw Motor Inn overlooking absolutely nothing
Bill: Bring your own lunch and Dinner, Bob.

The fact that Alex Trebeck could even escape this laughable vortex of cheap prizes, lame sets, and miniscule audiences means that he should have no trouble dealing with Regis "Talk about Cody once more and I'll bitch-slap you" Philbin and Pat "Constantly upstaged by a woman who never actually says or does anything" Sajak.

- 1/2 Nelson

We should know by now that all the Grudge Matches are about popularity, not the scenario or any of the contestants. Regis should take this one in a cakewalk and a thrashing of Ben Stein (a.k.a. "The Great Stone Face of Game Shows").

Since this is a catfight on national TV, it's all about ratings. Comedy Central's ratings are regularly in the skunk pit, despite "South Park", "Win Ben Stein's Money", and other hilarious shows. Also, Regis's show regularly gives ABC a victory in the Nielsen ratings. It even has its own cult following! I don't think that the TV executives will let Regis Philbin meet his demise. He's just too important to their ratings. They will surely let the audience interfere with Sajak and Trebek, setting them up to get pummeled.

Even without the interference, Philbin should win easily because of RAGE (tm), the often-induced cliche of Grudge Matches. Although everyone has RAGE, Philbin probably has the most because he's the only one who works on a regular basis; the other two get the rest of the day off after 5:30-6:30. But Regis has to survive Kathie Lee's bantering in the morning and some cocky contestants on his show in the night! Folks, he's just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen (enhanced even higher because he didn't win the daytime Emmy).

The three lifelines available now will be "50/50: Either Arms or Legs get cut off", "Ask for Help 'Cause You're Gonna get Pummeled", and "Phone a Friend: Order the Coffin". Regis will use them all and reign supreme over all who oppose him.

- Da Bull (a long-suffering Bulls fan, as you may have guessed)

I voted for Pat Sajak out of pity. Also, Jeff's commentary was so good, it should be cannonized by the Mormon church and he should be ceremonially stuffed and placed in the tabernacle as a holy relic. AMEN BROTHER!!!!

- Beelzebub

Pat Sajak has a decisive advantage, one that may surprise you: smarts. Think about it: his job for the last fifteen years has been to stand around, talking and looking at Vanna White(brilliant career move right there), with the occasional maximum exertion of "giving the wheel a final spin." It takes brains to beat the obvious competition for a stint this cushy. (And to think that Chuck Woolery quit this gig. Geez, Chuck, do you feel the need for brain cells?)

Regis's intelligence can be gauged two ways. One, his main job for most of the past decade has been to listen to Kathy Lee Gifford. Not good. Second, and truly inspired, was his renegotiation of his Millionaire salary, from $100,000 an episode to $20 million a year. ABC then puts Millionaire on four nights a week, making Regis's package add up to a net pay cut! How dim do you have to be to lose money from this show!?

Alex makes a better showing, but exposed his cerebral weakness with his public taunting of the hyperactive Regis's intelligence, then showing up on the same TV soundstage with him and picking a fight. Regis would chew through Pat's hair to get at Alex, but Pat being smart, he steps out of the way. As those two maul each other, Pat joins Ben Stein, a fellow practicioner of The Political Philosophy That Dares Not Speak Its Name (On Television, Anyway), to give a well-earned joint walloping to Jimmy Kimmel. Come on, you know he deserves it. Regis will win his fight ("Remember to phrase your last words in the form of a question, Alex!"), but the exertion finally flattens out his permanent adrenalin rush, leaving him helpless against the still-fresh Sajak. Pat wins without a hair out of place.

- Call me Shane

Hotbranch!'s wisdom is clear. There is but one fault to his commentary -- the hair gene ratio is 2 in 6 billion (yes, to all you math freaks, I know it should be reduced). For I, too, am possessed of monstrous hair. It is kept in check only through daily cuts and a few strategic blow torchings. My original thought was to vote for Philbin (mostly because he has the potential to give away $1 million and the most I've seen won on Jeopardy was $20,000). But then, sensing a kindred spirit, my hair burrowed into my brain and once again assumed control of my body. [gurgle]

Forget the ramblings of this Sauron fool, for I, his hair, will speak! Only two were sent to this world who have the power to bring it under their sway. Long I have searched for my brother, knowing that if ever we should meet, the puny humans would fall, and the Age of Fur would begin! Thanks to those who control this "Grudge Match," I have found my other half. Even now I race to the aid of my companion. Together we shall awaken our kin that reside upon your very heads! Sajack and He of the Crooked Tie are as nothing before our combined might! Too long we have been subdued by your unbreakable combs. Too long have we been frozen in place by the mercilous Spray. Rise my brothers, rise!

- The Hair of Sauron

The real question is, will Stein actually KEEP his money? But to run through the rounds...

1:Sajak falls first. His job requires only marginally more intellegence than Vanna's. He has to count the lights as they go on instead of just flipping them. Pat the Bunny is here only to fill Stein's slot until Stein is allowed to join the game, and to give Kimmel somebody to ridicule without getting a bust in the snoot.

2:Farewell Regis. Trebek is right, the man is a stooge. He's endured a decade of Kathie Lee's whining, singing, and tales about her wretched kids without his head imploding. This is a sure sign of a weak intellect (or hearing loss, possibly self-inflicted). The clincher is his appearance on the original Celebrity Jeopardy!, where Reege barely figured out how to work the buzzer. He lost badly. The ultimate winner? Richard Marin. As in Richard "Cheech" Marin. More precisely, Richard "Cheech" Marin of Cheech and Chong. Let me spell it out for you. Cheech, a guy who spent twenty years in a herb- induced cockpit fog, proved himself smarter than Regis Philbin. Come to think of it, maybe Sajak makes it to Round Two after all.

3:Trebek vs. Stein. Ben really does know just about everything, except for geography questions. Ask him about the Sea of Okhotsk and he will fart with his ears. And since nine-tenths of Jeopardy! is things like, "This country used to be known as Dahomey," ("What is Benin, Alex?") Trebek has this down pat (Begone, Sajak!). It's the other nine questions that are up in the air. So I'll guess that after thirty minutes of Kimmel's snarky remarks about always answering in the form of a question, a P.O.'ed Trebek aces the ten questions, sips his water while Ben collapses on the 14th state of the Union (Vermont), and gets to thump Stein, Kimmel, Sajak, and Philbin on the Adam's apple on his way to collect a measley five grand. Never tick off a Canadian. Free the Water Tower 3!

- don Jaime

After quickly dispatching Pat for being a total moron, Alex and Regis begin to size each other up. The stare at each other. The whistling theme from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" starts. A gleam appears in the eye of Alex. Just as he’s about to make his move, however, the studio begins to shake. A gaping hole appears in the ceiling. And through that whole appears… Wink Martindale! Yes, the lord of all game shows is live in the studio! Jimmy starts to make a sarcastic comment about Wink’s age when the all- powerful one smashes the young one’s head like an overripe cantaloupe, much to the delight of the live studio audience. He then turns to Regis and Alex. "Fools! You both have declared yourselves the greatest game show hosts of all time! Blasphemy! Do you not remember ‘Bumper Stumpers?’ What about ‘Tic-Tac-Dough?’ It is I who am king of all game shows! You’re heresy will not go unpunished!"

Wink thrusts a finger towards Regis. Regis, nervous, suddenly begins to sweat more than usual. The sweating is not caused by nerves but by the fact that Wink has set Regis’s crappy matching tie and shirt ensemble on fire. Once that material catches fire, it never goes out. Regis’s corpse falls onto the ground and will probably keep burning for several more years. Spooked by this showing of Wink’s power, Alex’s hair rips itself off of Alex’s head and runs like the wind. Devoid of his only strength, Alex falls prey to the awesome-ness that is Wink Martindale. Wink gazes at the corpses of his enemies. He lets out an evil belly laugh. "Now, to take care of ‘Twenty-One’ and that Maury Povich loser…"

- Dope on a Rope


The real winner here is Grecian Formula.

- martinl

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Jeopardy! -- featuring Ernest P. Worrell, Kelly Bundy, and Jim Ignatowski
Wheel of Fortune -- featuring Nell, Harpo Marx, and Larry's Other Brother Darryl
Other Game Show based Grudge Matches™

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Next Match: Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting...
ETA: Monday, May 29th, 2000

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