|Ernest P. Worrell
Plus, Iggy's the only one with real friends (All Ernest has is Vern and all Kelly has is an endless string of guys as vacuous as she). And, I hate to talk dirty, but Iggy and his friends know how to cheat successfully (true Taxi fans will know what I am referring to). Iggy will win, and 30 years later they'll make a movie: Quiz Show 2.
SAM: After deliberation, under four hours, I must go with Ernest. Brian, you have neglected to consider many of the intricate facets associated with this competition. The one that first comes to mind is: heart. While Ernest lacks in articulation and poise, he certainly has no lack in personal drive and an inborn skill to overcome personal adversity. He was in jail- accused and convicted of a crime he didn't commit- and he overcame won in the end. He can also play a mean game of hoops.
The good reverend will be too wacked out to even notice he is even playing Jeopardy. Do you think he would even want to be there? I think that 5 minutes into the game he would have to be forcibly removed from the studio because he wouldn't stop ranting and raving long enough for Alex to provide the contestants with the answers. Its hard to say, but he most likely would be humming the Jeopardy theme song endlessly or mimicing the sound of the monitors when the clues randomly appear. Needless to say, he will not get to play final Jeopardy.
As for Kelly, the only advantage I can see is her "cueing in" speed. Her life is dedicated to pushing the right "buttons", and look at the shape of the buzzer. She will feel right at home. Ok, so she gets in first, what is she going to do then? Nothing. I predict that she too will not make it to final Jeopardy since she'll be showing cameraman #1 her flexibility and "button" skills.
Ernest came to win, which he will do by default.
STEVE: Both of you hint at the true issue here, but manage to dance around it like Johnny Cochran. Brian: Your Quiz Show 2 reference correctly assessed that Jeopardy! is indeed fixed. Sam: Your description of Kelly and her special skills was essentailly correct. Now, Gentlemen, if the show is fixed, obviously the judges must be in on it as well, and they don't suffer from "Alex Syndrome." Now take a close look at her picture. Who are the judges going to want to return again and again? Who are they going to want to shower with gifts and fabulous prizes? Who is going to get big-time ratings? I think the choice is clear: Kelly in the Tournament of Champions.
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Trebek insists that he was never a cab driver. An exotic dancer, yes; professional grout scraper, yes; the voice of Gleek the Space Monkey on the old Space Ghost cartoons, yes; cabbie, no. Jim becomes upset and wanders off the stage ranting incoherently. A production assistant gives Jim his year supply of Turtle Wax (tm) (roughly one half of a 8 oz. jar), and helps Jim off the set.
To this point, Kelly Bundy has been very attentive. Her brother Bud explained to her that if she answers a question correctly, she will win money. But when she realizes that the "money" is awarded as points rather than as an actual cash payment, she gives up. She wanders over to the off-camera area where the judges allegedly sit and discovers nothing but empty beer bottles and a few of Alex's biker magazines. Totally disillusioned, she sets out to prove once and for all which member of the crew is actually the best boy.
This leaves Earnest, who is standing behind his podium, asking for categories at random, pressing his buzzer, and striking intellectual poses for the camera. In a chain of events only slightly less improbable than the continued popularity of Baywatch (tm), Earnest asks for one of the categories that is on the board, hits his buzzer, gives the appropriate response, and phrases the response in the form of a question. Even though his score is currently -$17,850.27, as the only remaining contestant and the only one to provide an appropriate response, Earnest is declared the winner. Sadly, Earnest's negative score makes him inelligible for Final Jeopardy where the scores can really change, so the show ends five minutes early. As the lights in the studio fade, we see Earnest escorted from the building by armed security guards, and Alex weeping as his mother tries to comfort him.
Look for Earnest to bust out early and Kelly to never figure out how to use the buzzer properly. Jim will do well, but will occasionally buzz in and be called on to answer, only to respond with a blank look of complete bewilderment and to ask "What was the answer again?" which will be ruled as an incorrect question. However, this shouldn't cost him too much in the long run.
- Perry Friedman
I love happy endings, don't you?
THE CATEGORIES: "Constellations", "Illegal Drugs", "Sexual Positions", "Classic Cars", "Christmas Stories", and "Rhymes with "Itch"".
Now, Kelly dominates "Constellations", because, as revealed in an M..WC episode, due to all the time she spends on her back outdoors she's memorized them all. So, $1500 to Kelly. She also gets a Daily Double, but doesn't bet anything because she failed math. She also takes the $100, $200, and $300 questions on "Sexual Positions", but the Reverend grabs the final two, just cause he's so depraved. So, $2100 Kelly, $900 Reverend. Ernest keeps buzzing in with "KnowhutImean?" but eventually his buzzer breaks. The Reverend cleans house on "Illegal Drugs": he's now at $2400. He also takes "Classic Cars" (heck, he worked around them, right?) so now he's at $3900. He spends the whole of "Christmas Stories" raving to himself while Ernest and Kelly manage to collectively answer everything in "Christmas Stories" wrong (he keeps saying "Santa!" and she keeps saying "Daddy"). And, Kelly gets the first one in the final category, but the impressively vocabularied Reverend takes the final four questions. So, final score, Reverend $5300, Kelly $2100, Ernest zippo. The second round goes much like the first, but the devious Reverend manages to get Kelly to bet everything she has on the Daily Double and she loses. The REVEREND WINS! THE REVEREND WINS! THE REVEREND WINS!
- Christopher Bird
Ernest has the problem of never shutting up. I mean have you ever heard Ernest speak a sentance as short as "What is a Quohog?" Ok so his "knowwhatImean" expression is a short one, but for him, thats just a single word, like a longer version of "ok". The "negative points for not answering the question in within 5 seconds rule" was invented specifically for people like this.
Jim's non-responsive, terse reply, personality will lead to his victory. He would probaly need only 1 correct response to win, (eg. answer:[Slow Down]).
- David Hyatt
So, Kelly and Jim are in a button pressing spree, getting none right. Ernest is pre-occupied with his tangles and leaking pens and such. Going into final jeapordy the Score is Jim -200, Kelly -6000, and Earnest 0.
Alex calls to the judges and gets a rulling. Ernest by default. All three contestants are given the Nintendo Home game, a synthetic Alex fright wig, and all the turtle wax a pedestrian could want, if they all agree not to return.
After the show Kelly goes home with the anouncer, Ernest causes the TVs to topple and the stage lights to explode. The crowd runs in terror. The good reverend just stands there and basks in the bueaty of the flashing lights.
- F. Hancock Buff
Alex: Todayís Jeopardy categories are male pleasure responses, janitorial chemicals, common street names for illicit drugs, hokey disguises, taxi etiquette, synonyms for slattern, and misc. (All three contestants would score about 5000 points, each one dominating two categories. It all comes down to the miscellaneous category.) Ernest: Iíll take uh... um... misc. for 1000. Alex: Washington D.C. ? (Kelly will buzz in merely because she likes the feel of the buzzer.) Alex: Kelly? Kelly: Huh? Alex: Iím sorry, the correct response is what is the capital of the United States. (Kelly would proceed to buzz in prematurely, losing more and more points each time until she is -5000. Thus, she is effectively excluded from Final Jeopardy.) Alex: Kelly, looks like youíll sit out for this round of Final Jeopardy. Jim and Ernest you will face off after this commercial break. (But the break never comes...for out of the blue Cliff Clavin barges onto the set carrying a semi-automatic. After Cheers closed down, the poor disgruntled postal worker had no place to go to drown out the rage, and so it slowly built up inside him. Having already massacred all his coworkers, Cliff remembers his traumatic experiences on Jeopardy and is determined to take revenge. Cliff opens fire and Alex slumps into a pile of blood and gore-- dead.) Cliff: Slut! You probably put out for 90% of the guys in high school, but never did you do it with any postal worker! (Bullets riddle Kellyís body as she collapses, buzzer still in hand. By now, Ernest ducks behind the podium, concocting a plan to stop the insane mail carrier. Jim, still dazed and confused pulls out a joint and lights it.) Cliff: Die!!! All of you die!! Iíll kill anyone who has ever used a stamp!! Arrgghhh! (Jim takes a few bullets and falls onto the floor. He is still alive--all the drugs in his bloodstream keeping his heart still beating.) Ernest: Stop!! (Ernest comes out charging, mop in hand, determined to put an end to the disgruntled postal workerís insane rampage. But he is too late, for like most disgruntled employees, Cliff has sadly taken his own life.) Ernest: The horror! The horror! Don Pardo: Our third place contestants will receive Jeopardy! the home edition on Super Nintendo or PC as a parting gift.
- T.P. Derfman
Iggi buys 400 cases of new car air fresheners with his newfound wealth.
Kelly loses out to the cameraman in the battle for Alex's affection.
Earnest Goes to Jail (Part II: Statutory)
I saw a movie where he went back in time and changed the past. I think he could go back and alter Kelly's gene pool so that she is a smart, somewhat homely girl. Impulsively, you might call that an advantage, but remember what she is famous for -- she wouldn't even be in this event. Ernest will be quite content coming in second. If not, Jim will go back in time and make him smart, which willhave much the same affect as with Kelly (barring he couldn't get any more homely).
Yes, but how would these changes affect the game? Who would Jim play instead of Ernest and Kelly if they were not chosen? Please, you must consider all aspects of your scenario. - Eds
- Vinnie Mondaro
Kelly and Jim will sit there (or stand, or fall) and whack their red buttons indescriminatly, and make fools of themselves (like usual). Their scores will quickly go negative, as they respond to topics such as zymo genetics, and world history...
- E Ross
Sam you are wrong in assuming that heart can win. With Jeopardy, you need a brain much more than you need a heart. Simply put, Ernest is outmatched without lots of audience assistance (something Alex Trebek is known to throw hissy fits over). The only aspect of the game that Ernest will understand is that you have to buzz in first. More often than not, Ernest will be the first to buzz in but he will invariably answer "Who is Vern" - which will be wrong. Ernest will set a new Jeopardy record for the lowest score by registering a -30000. The only way Ernest could ever become a Jeopardy champion is if he were up against the cast from Deliverance (and even then it would be a close game).
Steve, your reasoning would work if this were The Price is Right or Family Feud (shows hosted by perverted dirty old men) but Jeopardy is a "hands-off" game show, so your analysis is WAY off here. Kelly is simply too good looking to be a Jeopardy champion. When have you ever seen a good looking Jeopardy champion? The Tournament of Champions is usually a collection of aberrant humanoids with IQs bigger than Dom DeLuise's waist size. To be successful on Jeopardy, you must be a Winner and RETurning CHampion (WRETCH); this excludes Kelly despit her obvious "button talents".
It should be noted that Kelly correctly answered all 5 questions in the "Legal Expressions" category. Alex is left dumbfounded with her extensive knowledge of terms like "entrapment", "probable cause", "solicitation", "body cavity search", and "statutory".
Brian hit the nail on the head when he predicted that Iggy would win. Rather than hamper his abilities, all the chemicals Jim has consumed over the years have served to preserve his innards. Being a Jeopardy champion requires a ridiculously vast knowledge of all things trivial. When did Jim ever say anything that was not trivial? The man is a walking encyclopedia of trivia. Also, most Jeopardy champions are college graduates; Jim is the only one of the three contestants who went to college ("Ernest goes to College" and "Kelly does College" are still in production). In all likelyhood, Jim won't need to cheat; he will be completely oblivious to the fact that he has just won tons of cash and a lifetime supply of Z-Brick (tm) wall covering. Finally (as if further evidence were really necessary), just look at Jim - even on a good day he looks like hell. Ernest and Kelly will have dressed up for their appearance and will at least look respectable. Using the same logic that prevents Kelly Bundy from winning pretty much makes Jim an iron-clad Jeopardy Grand Champion.
Final scores: Ernest -$30000, Kelly $1500, Jim $79483
This is Johnny Gilbert. Jeopardy is produced by:
- Mr. X
Guys, I don't care if Alex Trebek is a 45-year old Canadian whose only social activities are Star Trek Conventions, Babylon-5 get- togethers, and trips to the store for his mom. He's still a guy, and (to the best of my knowledge) still likes chicks (I think he's even married, but as I don't care, won't bother checking that fact. If you're smart, you'd not bother either. Just run with me on this one.) (And scifi fans still like chicks, all that means for Kelly is that she won't even have to sleep with him, just put on some funny ears, and talk bad science jargon. Might confuse her, but she'll figure it out.) Anyways. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, her boobs. They're large. Kelly has big thingies. There's no way around it. This overbalances Ernest's Shakespearian training (yes, he was a Shakespearian actor. I love American values.) And this will even outdo the good Reverend's drug-induced flashbacks. I don't care if you put her up against Stephen Hawkings and Izthak Perlman. If it's a guy judging, and her opponents are guys, then she's got it in the bag. All you men know what I'm talking about, you'd let her win too. Brian, Sam, don't lie, you'd let her get a few questions also. It's true.
- Jack Dracula
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