Captain's Log: Stardate 53847.1 -- For the past day, Voyager has been traveling in unusual company. Hundreds of assorted vessels, led by a warship called the Galactica, are journeying toward Earth, just as we are. For a time it appeared we would be able to help each other find our way home to Earth, but a disturbing development may forestall any cooperation.
Seven of Nine stands icily in Captain Janeway's ready room. "The ship's internal surveillance equipment recorded the incident. It involved a member of Galactica's crew, one Lieutenant Starbuck."
"All right, let's take a look." Janeway pulls the file, and immediately her eyes begin to narrow.
"Hey, babe." The blow-dried fighter pilot took a puff on his fumarillo. "What do you say later I take you on a tour of our agro ship? I'm sure something will be growing there."
Seven glared at Starbuck. "I reject your clumsy advance." She looked him up and down. "Your biological distinctiveness is unremarkable. It is not worth assimilating." She walked off, the sway of her hips drawing a parting leer from the rebuffed flyboy.
Janeway looks up, meeting Seven's angry eyes. "You were right to bring this to my attention. Sexual harassment, and smoking? Not on my ship."
They march onto the Bridge. "Hail the Galactica, Mister Tuvok." The Vulcan complies promptly, and white-haired Commander Adama appears on the viewscreen. "Commander, one of your officers has behaved abominably on aboard Voyager. I want him disciplined. Send them the footage, Seven."
Adama watches incredulously. "You want me to punish Starbuck for this? If I were a hundred yahrens younger, I would have done the same thing."
"What?" Janeway seethes. "That does it. Go to Earth on your own--but after we take that rogue officer of yours to be punished, if I have to turn your ship to scrap to do it. Red Alert!"
"Never," Adama intones, "and may the Lords of Kobol have mercy on you, for I will not. Launch all Vipers!"
So Shane, which interstellar itinerant is invincible, and which is ignominiously ionized?
In a straight-up race, Galactica is hopelessly handicapped by having to bring over two hundred refugee ships along with it. Anybody who's traveled with small children knows the more screaming brats you've got in the back, the slower your trip will be. They're also held back by being able to do no better than light-speed, while Voyager can warp rings around them. Yes, I know traveling light-speed, or warp speed, breaks the Known Laws of Physics(, Albert Einstein). Note, though, how when Voyager breaks these laws, it works in their favor, while Galactica suffers for its transgressions. An illustrative example is the "Battlestar Galactica" episode where the fleet runs out of fuel, and instead of coasting as Newton's First Law dictates, stops dead in space! And of course, Janeway knows exactly where Earth is, while Adama hasn't a clue and, being a man, won't stop and ask for directions.
So Adama will want to fight it out, but he'll have no better luck. He will be ruthlessly introduced to such concepts as "phasers", "photon torpedoes", and "shields". All Galactica has is lasers, which Next Generation precedent tells us is like a bug on the windshield to Starfleet ships. Not even the Vipers will do any good, since Janeway can counter them with yet another advantageous violation of natural law, Infinite Shuttles! (Any "Voyager" fan knows their shuttles crash or blow up every single episode, yet they never run out.) With all that and warp speed too, Voyager will carve up Galactica like the huge space turkey it, and its series, are.
PAUL: There is absolutely no way Voyager is going to beat Galactica to Earth. For a ship that needs to spend 70 years at maximum warp to get home, every other episode ends with the ship strolling along at impulse after spending a month dilly-dallying on some inane adventure. This also assumes that the warp engines will work, which violates Star Trek Engineering Law #42.2: "All Starfleet engines will break down when you really need them (unless your chief engineer is named 'Scotty')." Warp speed is a non-factor.
So it comes down to combat which means an automatic Galactica victory. Battlestar Galactica is a top-of-the-line warship. The crack crew has fought off constant attacks by the ruthless Cylons who are willing to sacrifice large amounts of resources in suicide attacks to destroy ONE SHIP. Apollo and Starbuck took on Satan (the charming Count Iblis) and won. Galactica even survived the seventies fashion scene without looking like total dorks. They are invincible.
And what do they get to face? Voyager is no more than an overglorified scout ship. But it gets worse. An analysis of Voyager's combat record shows it has been boarded more often than a 98 pound left-wing at the Tie Domi Hockey Goon School and blown up more often than a Jeri Ryan inflatable doll at a Star Trek bachelor's convention. Let's look at some their victorious opponents:
SHANE: Bad writers? You're defending "Battlestar Galactica", and you have the nerve to bring up bad writers!? They were ripping off every half-decent script they could find, from The Guns of Navarone to The Dirty Dozen to The Towering Inferno, never mind that the whole series was ripped of from Erich von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods? quackery. The fact that they considered that superior writing tells you all you need to know.
And just like those pesky violations of physical law, the bad writing hurts the Galactica. Example: when faced with the perilous Guns of Nava--sorry, the Gun on Ice Planet Zero(sheesh!), Adama's brilliant strategy was to fly right into its sights, in a dazzling display of one-dimensional thinking. If Voyager has its writing lapses, they still work in its favor. Kazons, Vidiians, Hirogen, they all eventually fall by the wayside, and Voyager flies triumphantly on.
What's more, Voyager has faced the Borg in their own backyard, and not only survived, but carried off Seven of Nine as a trophy. (No 'booby prize' cracks, please.) That quality of opponent beats cast-iron Darth Vader clones any day. And Count Iblis? Patrick Macnee in a white spangled cape? That's not Satan, that's a Liberace impersonator! Evil, maybe, but not exactly threatening. Besides which, Adama needed help against the Cylons from the battlestar Pegasus, captained by Lloyd "Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Week To Quit Sniffing Glue" Bridges. He was the greatest warrior in their history, which considering that his most potent weapon was his killer flatulence from Hot Shots Part Deux, doesn't say much about Adama in comparison.
Leadership is yet another point in Voyager's favor. Captain Janeway is in the prime of her life, while Commander Adama wasted his on Bonanza and Alpo commercials, and by now is pushing 500 in dog years--sorry, daggit yahrens. (Geez Louise, their technobabble is even worse than Voyager! And that's saying something!)
Sorry, Paul, but your precious Galactica, that outlandish outriggered outrage, that pontooned Ponderosa, is just what Star Trek needed to break its losing streak. Now, if only the Chicago Cubs can arrange to play them in the World Series ...
PAUL: Galactica has bad writers? Voyager had an episode where the big plan to save innocent refugees was to let the ship get captured by ruthless Nazis and then assume that these fascist murderers would let them go. And it worked! This is a show that has a cook and a hologram as bridge officers. Your average MST3K movie has plots that make more sense. And since this is the WWWF and not "network" UPN (where they fit in nicely since nothing makes sense), Voyager is in for a rude awakening when the latest in technobabble doesn't save them from the business end of a Colonial Viper.
And speaking of bad writing, Voyager has an Achilles Heel: Political Correctness. Captain Janeway's personality fluctuates from caring and compassionate to insanely ruthless depending on the morality lesson of the week. With Galactica's cultural complexity she won't know what to do. At one moment, she will be the rabid feminist trying to stamp out sexual harrassment one fighter pilot at a time and then switch to motherly empathy as she offers humanitarian aid. While she is distracted scanning the rag-tag fleet for a pair of wheelchair-bound left-handed transvestite eskimo conjoined twins to recruit to fulfill their Star Fleet crew diversity quota, Galactica puts them out of their misery.
SPACE: The final resting place...
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Then, every once in a while, I see something that reaffirms my identity and inflates my self-esteem. And this match was one of them.
As I read through the scenario and the commentary for this match, I realized something very important: I DON'T HAVE A DAMN CLUE ABOUT ANYTHING THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. Adama? Janeway? Count Iblis? Starbuck? Vidiians? What are these? I can't understand a word you're saying.
And once again it is proven that, even if I am a loser, I will never EVER be a nerd. I am not a fanboy. I still have my dignity. Thank you, Ground Zero, for making even me feel superior over someone. I can never repay you.
- Infraggable Krunk--with a new lease on life
Glad we could be of service. We are also available for weddings, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and science fiction conventions. - Eds.
"I guess it's just you and me, Starbuck," Apollo says. He turns to his crewmate. Starbuck, cradling a big mug of double cappuchino, is trembling so much that the mug flies out of his hands, the contents soaking the rug. He is dragged to the medical ship for heavy sedation. "Frack!" Apollo mumbles, "I have to do everything myself! Launch all Vipers!"
Meanwhile, on "Voyager": Tom Paris turns to Janeway. He says, "Why don't we negotiate with them?" Janeway frowns and raises an eyebrow, which is shorthand for "Paris, you're such an idiot!" He is dragged to Sickbay for heavy sedation.
"Captain, I have detected another fleet within sensor range," says Tuvok, in his usual uninteresting monotone. "It is a fleet of Borg cubes. They are allying with the Galactica fleet."
Suddenly on the bridge of "Voyager" a figure beams in. "Kirk!" Janeway says in surprise. "I thought you were dead!" It appears to be Kirk, but in civilian clothes. He is holding a microphone. Quickly he hands out earplugs to the bridge crew.
"I'll handle this," Kirk says. He begins, for lack of a better word, "singing": "I want you to want me! I neeeeeeed you to need me! I'm BEGGING you to beg me--"
"--FEDERATION SHIP! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED INTO THE COLLECTI--Aiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee--"
"--We've got a great big convoy, rocking through the night! We've got a great big convoy, ain't she a beautiful sight--"
"--Aiiiiiiieeeeeeee! We won't asssimilate you! We promise we won't assimilate you! Aiiiiieeeeeeeeee--"
"--Have I ever told you Borgs about the time I booked a three, no, a FOUR star hotel on Priceline?--"
"--Aiiiiieeeeee! For God's sake, we're only ACTORS! Aiiiieeeeee--" Simultaneously, every single Borg ship explodes. Including the ones that aren't even there.
Kirk puts down the microphone. "I enjoyed that," he says.
"Captain, there is another ship within range," says Tuvok. "It is another 'Galactica'-class ship."
"Put him on the screen," Kirk and Janeway say at the same time.
On the screen appears Lloyd Bridges as the flamboyant, reckless Kane. He is holding a swagger stick. "Attention, Voyager!" he barks. "Prepare to be rammed by the great Commander Kane!" Kane's ship rockets toward Voyager.
"You need my help?" Kirk turns to Janeway.
"We can handle this by ourselves," Janeway smirks. "Mister Chakotay, make sure it's a suicide attack." Chakotay smiles and fires every weapon at Kane's ship, which promptly explodes, killing the psychologically-troubled Kane and his unfortunate crew.
"Captain?" Tuvok's voice again.
"Let me guess, Mr. Tuvok--another fleet of hostile ships?"
"No, Captain, a Cylon battle fleet with an offer of alliance!"
"That's good, because our weapon systems will need time to recharge after Kane's attack. Put him on the screen!"
In the Cyclon control room a human is seated on a huge, throne-like command chair. He is heaping verbal abuse on the head Cylon, named Lucifer: "Why, you simpering moron, NO, I refuse to listen to your brainless advice!
"By your command," the robed mechanoid lisps. It leaves the throne room.
"That's the last time I ally with a gay Cylon," the figure mutters. As the screen resolves into perfect clarity, we see that it is Kor, of the Klingon Imperial Fleet.
Kirk peers at the screen. "Captain Kor! I haven't crossed paths with you since the Organian Peace Treaty!"
"Kirk! Good to see you again! Let's destroy the Galactica together and then share a bowl of steaming 'Gahk'!"
Kirk picks up the Microphone of Doom. "Not a chance! I may not have been able to kill you on Organia, but this time nothing will stop me!" He begins another "musical" number. The bridge crew put their earplugs in, just in time. In a few moments the unfortunate Kor is bleeding from the ears. He manages, for his last act, to engage the fleet "SELF DESTRUCT" button on his console.
"By your command," comes a mechanical voice through a hidden speaker. The entire Cylon fleet blows up in a series of cheesy special effects. As the string breaks, the Cylon command ship plummets to the floor of the sound stage, nearly hitting a grip in the head.
"Captain Kirk, you've saved Voyager! How can we repay your actions?" Janeway says, turning to Kirk.
"You can repay me by . . . putting up your hands and surrendering, Captain Janeway!" Through the turbolift door come "Howling Mad" Murdock and the indestructable Mr. T., firing chrome-plated automatic weapons. Although they don't actually hit anything, the bridge crew surrenders under the unexpected onslaught. "Take them to Sickbay for heavy sedation!" Kirk orders. He hits a button on the console. "Did you get all that, Face?"
The screen resolves. We see Dirk Benedict in a Galactica fighter pilot uniform, sitting in a medical-ship bed. "I saw it all, Hannibal," Face says, lighting a cigar.
Kirk peels off a rubber William Shatner mask, to reveal the face of George Peppard. Peppard lights a fat cigar and grins. "I love it when a plan comes together!"
"One of the men on that other ship..." She paused with a look of disgust. "Well, he treated me like an object, and not for the woman I am."
"That's not very nice. I had a boy on the holodeck call me a name yesterday...I thought the safety protocols weren't supposed to allow you to be hurt."
So calmly one might have thought her dead if her lips weren't moving, Seven remarked "obviously the safety protocols were malfunctioning for the 412th time." Seven, having not been human for an extended time, felt it wise to ask what the little girl had done about it.
"I said 'na na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.' It's an old Earth saying."
Seven raised her eyebrows. "I see. And what does it mean?"
"It's kinda like a put down. It makes me feel better."
"Thank you. I did not know what to say before." Seven noticed Apollo and Starbuck flying outside Voyager, trying to find a place to land so they could find the location of Earth from Voyager computers. She went to the computer and broadcast in a cool, calm voice "Attention Lt. Starbuck - na na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo." She then turned to Naomi. "I do not feel refreshed, for some reason." The girl shrugged.
In his viper, Starbuck asked "what did she say?"
"I don't know," remarked Apollo, noticing Voyager shields were down to allow a shuttle to depart. "Hey, let's sneak in there." They did so. Once inside, they were allowed to roam for about ten minutes unnoticed before being apprehnded by a weak security team. "I suppose you're going to take us to the brig," Apollo said to Tuvok.
"This ship does not have a brig. If it did, many other aliens would have been put there before doing damage. We will put you in a hologram version of a county jail in Ireland; the captain has this fetish for 19th century Ireland."
Meanwhile, Boxey and Muffy climbed out of the viper and began roaming the ship. The boy shushed his daggit, and snuck over to the computer.
"Hey," cried Naomi, "who are you?"
"I stowed away on my dad's viper," he remarked. "How do you turn this on?"
"It is on, you dork." She pressed some buttons. "What do you want with it?"
He couldn't believe it had been that easy. "The co-ordinates for Earth, I guess. Where's my dad?"
Naomi showed him how to call up information on the screen. "Boy, you are a dummy, every other alien who comes on here knows how to work these things right away. Anyway, our Captain said not to tell you idiots, you're gonna be dead meat." Suddenly, a Cylon craft entered the cargo bay they were in, because the pacifist Voyager still hadn't raised its shields! Naomi screamed as a Cylon got out and shot straight at her.
Boxey pushed Naomi down just in time, then pulled her away as the cargo bay's computer screen exploded in a ball of fire, proving that for all their advances, Starfleet still has one major drawback - they can't make good surge protectors. Boxey led Naomi into the ship and grabbed a phaser from a stunned Tuvok, shooting and vaporizing the Cylons.
Luckily, the crew of the shuttle Voyager sent to attack the Galactica - though it was destroyed - did manage to beam back just in time. Janeway and Seven came rushing onto the scene. "What happened," came the breathless captain.
Tuvok explained. "Apparently that being attempted to board our ship and destroy us. However, that boy appears to have saved them."
"It was Species 821.3 to the fourth power," noted Seven.
Tuvok remarked "I thought having a child save the ship was a product only of the Federation. Obviously this is not the case."
Janeway, figuring she owed him one for saving them, relased Apollo and Starbuck, but also ordered them to arrive at Earth at a different time, to avoid confict with them.
Naomi, meanwhile, gave Boxey a bunch of great big kisses, which grossed him out, being a schoolboy who was only interested in slimy things like Sagitarian space lizards. "Ewww," he cried.
"My hero," cooed the girl as she embraced the boy, who looked ready to throw up.
"Aw, man," complained Boxey as they left Voyager, "now I'll never be able to face my friends - I got kissed all over the face by a GIRL! I'll have cooties forever. I'll have to change my name and everything, or they'll all make fun of me."
And that's why when the Galactica finally reached Earth in 1980, and why Adama's grandson Boxey had been renamed.
That being said, I think Voyager will win because it is The Funniest of the two shows. It has The Funniest writing I've ever seen for a sci-fi show. When I think about all those scenes where poor, logical Tuvok is tormented by the kind, well-meaning Neelix, well, that's some of The Funniest writing I've ever seen. Battlestar Galactica is not The Funniest show from it's era, it's not even close.
You should take my word for it, since I am The Funniest respondee in the Ground Zero era. I have numerous Gold, Silver, and Bronze Grudgies to my name, which proves I'm The Funniest. And when the Grudge Match relocates to some new website or other (the name escapes me) I'll still be The Funniest. Thank you, and see you in your new digs! I'm sure this new era will be The Most Funny...which is to say, The Funniest.
- 1/2 Nelson
Come listen to my story 'bout a gal named Kate
Travelin' through space in a distant Stardate
Seven of Nine said the situation's crude
Starbuck's mouth was a-bubblin' lewd
Advances, that is! Come ons! Pickup lines!
Well, the first thing ya know Seven's an angry lass.
Janeway said, "Go assimilate his ass!"
Said federation prison is the place he oughta be
So they locked ol' Starbuck up and they threw away the key.
Jail, that is! Behind bars, stir crazy!
Starbuck he did grumble. Lawdy that place stank
Next door neighbor, that man was real rank
Adama objected, but the Captain held her ground
'Cause Starbucks advances put ol' Seven down
Emotionally! Belittled her, Unwanted advance!
Well now it's time to say goodbye to Buck an' all his kin
Cause Janeway's ship beat Battlestar Galactica agin.
Blowing up the ship stopped the big ol' meanies
Starbuck's ass is now in smithereenies
Microcosms, that is! Rest in pieces, Worm(hole) food!
Don't come back, y'hear?
- Mark Wentz
And Galactica had a better theme.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight still wonders what the heck were they THINKING to name a robot "Lucifer"?!??!
- BF, son of RF
- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader
They were WRONG. I did the math, using the Star Fleet Technical Guide to calculate how long it would take them to travel that distance at the stated speed of warp 9. It was about FOUR YEARS. FOUR.
I must deduce that someone on that ship is sabotauging efforts to return to earth.
Is it Janeway herself? She has at times seemed unstable, and exhibits a strange attraction to Chakotay, though she seems unable to let herself "justify" this attraction. If she returned to earth, perhaps she fears she would never see him again.
Could it be Tom Paris? If he returns to earth, he'll probably screw up again and spend the rest of his life in New Zealand.
I know it seems unbelievable that someone in Star Fleet would do something like this, something so cruel and immoral to their fellow crew members. But in the words of Capt. Kirk in the episode 'Bread and Circuses', "It seems impossible, but there it is".
Star Trek will always lose. It is its destiny.
When Cylon advanced scouts landed on Earth, the bog-standard Cylon trooper was taken out by a microwave at a Halloween party. A cooking appliance! Heck, Neelix could destroy the Cylon empire by himself. And yet Galactica and co are running from these guys...
C'mon, Voyager vs Galactica would be resolved before the first commercial break, with the rest of the episode focussing on the Doctor's attempts to program himself holographic hair
- --John Hunter
(Note: This response is in no way intended to disparage women in any way)
PS: Great job guys, can't wait for the new stuff on the new site!!! Thanks for keeping the Grudge alive and making this great opportunity possible. See you there!
- Adam B.
Take it from someone that has a family member that watches lots of the "for women by women" television. The Lifetime Network (known as the "Psychotic Network" in our household) has more brutality, sex, mental illness and other stuff per show than HBO. This can only be an asset to Voyager. - Paul
- Charge Man
Perception is reality.
Now, considering that, let's compare:
Commander "Bonanza" Adama vs. Captain "Muppet Voice" Janeway. Point: Galactica.
Voyager has "Shuttles". Galactica has "Vipers". Point: Galactica. Voyager is a "Intrepid-class light frigate". Galactica is a "Battlestar". Point: Galactica.
Voyager has dustbuster-shaped phasers. Galactica has big ol' laser blasters. Point: Galactica.
Voyager has pajamas for uniforms. Galactica has cool military togs (& capes!). Point: Galactica
Voyager has Naomi Wildman. Galactica has Boxey. Point: Both minus one point.
Voyager has 7 of 9. Galactica has Cassiopea. Point: Voyager. Well, two points. Two big points.
In the end, Apollo, Starbuck, and Boomer use Voyager's conveniently placed hood-ornament bridge as target practice and turn Voyager into its own rag-tag fleet of one.
- "Mad Dog" Mike ("I pity da fools on Voyager!")
We think he means "Starbuck's best buddy." Unless this another Voyager "Tuvix" episode... - Eds.
Yet another "my sci-fi show is better than yours" match. Who cares? Let's get to the "my cartoon is better than yours" match we can see is coming next!
Nobody kicks butt like the Mormons. They were defending themselves from religious persecution in the American West for decades before it became armed religions came into fashion. They steel themselves and hone their willpower with door-to-door rejections. Even the power of Jeri Ryan's breasts will be insignificant against their known abilities to resist the temptations of the fairer sex. And finally, did you see Trey Parker in Orgazmo? I rest my case.
And don't even get me started on Star Trek's Grudge Match Losing Streak (TM).
I was the proud owner of some Galactica toys. The fighter craft had little spring-loaded launchers which fired little red plastic "laser bolts". These were modified to not actually fire the projectiles after it was discovered that they were a choking hazard.
Like lawn darts, there is just no possible way to beat a toy that can actually kill someone. Bonus points for the fact that the lethal component of the Galactica toys represented a real-live-fake weapon! Now, if Galactica were put up against a Burger King Pokeball, you'd have a stiff fight on your hands...
The RAGE": Voyagers crew are angry at Galactica's, so, as pathetic as the Federation's RAGE" is, they have it in their favour.
Jeri Ryans breasts": Many drooling fanboys will vote just because of these gravity-well-inducing melons. Maybe there will even be a Jeri Ryans breasts Jihad(There is no Jihad).
Star Trek's losing streak: Heavily against Voyager. But 7of9's borgness might serve to cancel it out some.
My forgetfullness: I've forgotton the other factors I was going to use.
So, it is in Voyagers Favour. I predict the following:
Not wanting to use their precious photon torpedoes, Voyager starts out with a few phaser shots, and they send out the Delta Flyer to wreak havock on the other small ships while the Big Guns" duke it out. Voyager sends a few shuttles out on a suicide mission, but it's not long until they can't go any further, due to the gravity of 7's breasts. Then they get blown up, damaging Voyagers shields and causing the bridge to bounce around, making a Nameless Ensign" fall over the railing and split his head on the carpet. Then Janeway decides to go postal" and just smash through Galactica with Voyager itself, this action being allowed by a stream of Technobabble" from Torres. Voyager wins by a technobabbles length.
- Padraig The Irish Dragon
For Shame. For shame!
I'm no great big Battlestar fan, and I've been a Trek-Head as long as I can remember, but VOYAGER MUST NOT WIN! NOT THE SHOW THAT HAS SINGLE-HANDEDLY TURNED ME OFF FROM WATCHING STAR TREK (except every now and then, when I put on the closed-caption and mute the TV every time Captain Token Female opens her mouth to vomit forth some more crappy dialogue in that insanely annoying voice)!!!!
I'd vote for the ship from Lost in Space versus Voyager. Battlestar at least (from what I can remember, it's been a while) felt like an epic. Voyager conjures up images of Gilligan's Island. ("Oh, goody! Here's a way we can get back to earth!" "Oooops!" "Neeee-lix!")
- Cody Ackbare
- Artless Dodger and Trekkie
Weapons: The Galactica appears heavily armed with guns all over the place. However, these guns appear to be pulse lasers. As was established on an episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation", such lasers would have difficulty penetrating even the navigational shields. The only other weapons the Galactica has are fighters (equipped with smaller pulse lasers) and some sort of rocket weapon that can take out really large targets (Cylon Basestars). However, the rocket, while powerful, is quite slow and is really just a piece of stock NASA footage. Voyager has a far more impressive arsenal. There are the phaser banks. One nice thing about phasers is that their frequency can be varied so they could be easily adjusted to match the shield modulation frequency for the Galactica and hit the battlestar with impunity. Then there are the photon torpedoes. These and their cousins, the quantum torpedoes, contain anti-matter warheads - a technology far ahead of the Galactica - which would do considerable damage. Based on information in the Galactica pilot, all it would take is a single torpedo hit in the hangar to destroy a ship like the Galactica. The advantage in this category belongs to Voyager.
Strategy: No contest. The race who built the Galactica are not great strategic minds. The Cylons wiped out their homeworlds using the old "fake peace talks" trick (which the bad alien in "Galaxy Quest" used on the stupid aliens). Also, most of Galactica's combat strategy is warmed-over leftovers from "Star Wars". On the other hand, Voyager has two sources of strategy. There's the good old Starfleet strategy that we are familiar with, then there is the element of the Maquis. The Maquis were a group of rebels who defied all efforts at eradication by Starfleet and the Cardassians. In the end, only the Dominion could do them in. Several of the main officers on Voyager are Maquis and they are well-versed in Maquis tactics. This combination and the Voyager crew's natural ability to find a weak spot in the enemy's defenses will spell doom for the Galactica.
People: I have not met any of the people from "Battlestar Galactica", but I have met several from "Voyager" (Robert Picardo, Roxann Dawson, Robert Duncan Macneil). They seem to have more talent and more personality than almost anybody from "Galactica". This is worth a few points to me.
The Shows: "Battlestar Galactica" is the weaker of the two shows by far. All it seems to be, at it's core, is a mixture of B-movie science fiction, Atlantean myth, and a bunch of Mormon references (Glen Larson is LDS) in a glitzy package. "Voyager" is a series in the tradition of "Star Trek" with the crew frequently grappling with issues like false memory, medical ethics, and other substantive things. Also, Voyager has a far larger fan base than Galactica ever did. Then there is the movie aspect. Richard Hatch is trying to get a "Galactica" movie made. However, he is having great difficulty scraping up the money and no studio seems interested. When the time comes for a "Voyager" movie, Paramount and its funding will be behind it 100% of the way. All in all, the Galactica is big - a big loser.
- The Demented Astronomer
10. Voyager can't rely on technobabble in a real fight. by the time Janeway says: "Perhaps we can use a quantum field molecular..." Adama says: "Fire all batteries" (As Galactica bridge officers begin flicking the "on" switches for hundreds of gun turrets, each as large as Voyager itself) Result: Voyager is toast.
9. Voyager can't survive by saying "But we're immune to lasers!" Lasers don't move in pulses of energy you can actually see moving across the screen slower than light, like Galactica's weapons do. Lasers bolts don't explode in near misses with objects, like Galactica's weapons do. Obviously Galactica's "lasers" have no more similarity to old-fashioned lasers, than the phaser "cannon" and phaser "rifles" on Star Trek ships have similarities to old fashioned projectile firing weapons. In fact, Galactica's weapons fire the same looking bursts of energy that "Phasers" do. Janeway and crew can take their disbelief to their grave. Result: Voyager is toast.
8. Voyager can't handle Vipers. Viperships can probably do maneuvers that would make Paris' head spin. Even if the "Delta Flyer" and Voyager have strong enough shields to withstand one Viper, how would they deal with 70+ Viperships all at once? Result: Voyager is toast.
7. Voyager can't rely on Seven-of-nine, and any other "women" (for Janeway's I use the term loosely) to distract and arouse sympathy from Galactica's crew. (Except maybe Starbuck, but he's the only guy in the universe as horny as the old Captain Kirk) What would really happen is Athena, Cassiopeia, and Sheba would convert any Trekkie to Galactica's side. Result: Voyager's toast.
6. Voyager can't use warp speed to beat Galactica, except to just run away if Janweway suddenly became smart (fat chance). Name any example of a StarTrek ship EVER using warp speed to defeat an opponent. Just once, the Picard Maneuver, a tactic easily beaten by locking onto the target IN FRONT. Data beat the tactic with just a tractor beam. NOBODY, even people attacking the STATIONARY Deep Space Nine, have tried this well known maneuver since. Galactica has hundreds of weapons at it's disposal, and doesn't mind locking onto multiple targets at once, like swarms of Cylon Raiders. Result: See above.
5. Galactica can fight in a real war. Against enemies that actually try to kill them. Every time Voyager is outclassed, they end up getting captured and released for some wimpy techno-reason. Everybody in Battlestar Galactica plays for keeps. Result: See above.
4. Galactica can win the battle of better script writing. Galactica's plots ended up being lame, but original. I bet you couldn't find ONE Voyager episode that wasn't ripped off from a StarTrek-TNG TV show or movie. Result: See above.
3. Galactica can use real actors and actresses. Lorne Greene's steady, reverence-inpiring invocations versus Janeway's annoying gravel-gargling, trying-to-be forceful one-liners. Richard Hatch's depth of character against all the wimpy men on Voyager. Voyager never had anyone with the acting ability of Jane Seymour (aka. Serina) guest-star on THEIR show. Result: You know the drill...
2. Galactica can take losses without flinching and still win. For those Trekkies still pondering how Voyager can be stranded in the Delta Quadrant with only a few photon torps and couple shuttlecraft, and then have about fifty photons fired and a dozen shuttles blown up, consider this. How many of Galactica's Viperships have been destroyed since that ship's been on the run? And Galactica can still fill the sky with fighters? She either has an inexhaustible supply, or builds new fighters and find new pilots to train in that rag-tag refugee fleet of theirs. Result: You know..
And the number one reason Galactica will beat Voyager
1. Size does matter. At least, Voyager could fire and do incredible amounts of damage to Galactica and still not hit any vital systems. A Battlestar built to take on and beat the incredibly powerful Cylon Base Stars would have no trouble with the dinky Voyager. To paraphrase from a past GrudgeMatch(tm) [Death Star vs. Enterprise] argument. "Would Galactica even notice someting as tiny and under-populated as Voyager?" Result: You know....
The two wimpy ships are at each other, doing their pathetic best to wipe each other out. Out of hyperspace suddenly comes...
The Death Star! Reeling at it's loss to John Mclane, and remembering the glory days of when it had dealt a can of Whoop-ass to the Enterprise, it proceed to annihilate both the ships.
[On board the Death Star bridge]
A man wrapped in a towel, wearing a fake Darth Vader helmet that doesn't quite fit and keeps falling off his head watches as the last of Voyager explode. Stormtroopers are seen running here and there for apparently no reason, whatsoever.
They look exactly like the stormtroopers from the movies except that they don't wear the helmets and armor (instead wearing checkered pants and shirts that have 'Star Wars Fanboy' written on it), and use banana cream pies instead of blasters for weapons. Other than that, they look exactly like the stormtroopers from the movies.
"Bring me the prisoners!" he commanded in a voice reminiscent of Darth Vader; that is if Darth Vader ever let Helium enter his mouth.
The prisoners are brought onto the bridge in chains. They turn out to be.... gasp! The Ground Zero commentators!
The guy in towel, henceforth to be known as 'Darth' Boba Foot, squeaked, "Voyager vs. Battlestar Galactica?! What kind of match is that to have as a farewell to Ground Zero? For this you shall pay! My sentence is to watch 10 continuos episodes of 'Barney and Friends'!"
"Noooo!" screamed the Poobah "But we'll miss the inaugaration part for The Funniest! "
"Darth" Foot frowned. "Inaugaration party! How come I wasn't invited?" he squeaked loudly "For this you shall pay! Not only will you have to wacth the aformentioned episodes but also movies we downloaded from that 'Satellite of Love' ship before we destroyed it! Take them away, stormtroopers!"
He turned to the nav officers; "Set course for the planet Earth. Those 'International Yodelling Association' wackos have irritated me for the last time."
The "International Yodelling associaction". How you ask? Well if I figure it out, I'll tell you...
- Boba "Yodel not in front of me!" Foot
Actually, this match was planned to be used at TheFunniest.com but SNAFUs forced us to reschedule. With this new sudden opportunity, we did not have a chance to plan a big blastoff. It's not our fault! Please don't make us watch Barney. Anything. We'll polish your helmet... - Eds.
Shane, I'd stay far, far away from the Wrigley Field bleachers if I were you. And watch your back. You think English Soccer Hooligans are rabid? You haven't met an angry Cubs fan, who, by definition, has 92+ years of pent-up RAGE. And I don't mean the cheap watered down RAGE(TM) of the WWWF, either.
Combining that commment with the fact that Star Trek can never, eeeeeeever win, it's obvious that Seven's going to be the "booby prize" for a new ship. Owww, have mercy!
- Todd Evil
Considering Shane and Paul are fans of the Yankees, the owners of the most rabid and successful bleacher creatures in the majors, we have one word for you: SCOREBOARD! Don't let the six dollar beer hit ya on the way out. - Eds.
#1 Who watches Voyager? Fan boys who dream of the lost episode where Janeway and 7 of 9 have a short but torrid affair, when they should be out partying and chasing tail like our hero Starbuck.
#2 Who watches Battlestar Galactica? Really no one, not even when the reruns where on the Sci-Fi channel. But if by chance a ten minute chunk was caught while recovering from a night of parting and chasing tail it leads to great conversation when you go out chasing tail and partying.
BTW in the match between Drew and Dilbert everyone treated eating donuts and drinking beer like it was a bad thing.
- Milo Bloom
This is Star Trek, the most nerdy of pop icons, and the brunt of more fan backlash than anything save perhaps _The Phantom Menace_. Star Trek has, I think, a perfect record at the Grudge Match -- a perfect record of failure.
Battlestar Galactica, however, has been off the air for a long time. Many people have not even seen it. But everone has heard of it. And it's old, so it must be cool.
So: repetitive and overdone vs old and cool.
Battlestar Galactica lets the V'ger eat its space dust.
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
[Stands for a moment, luxeriating in the shocked silence of the Grudgites] That's right. We've all seen the promos, we've all seen those words. Apparently they've given up, admitted that they suck beyond all reckoning and have resigned themselves to making some futuristic, technobabble-rich version of Blossom. Little matter what those words actually promote, those words are AbsolutTM Poison to any degree of quality or watchability. The franchise that brought you Spock, that brought you Worf, that brought you Benjamin "Kick-your-monkey-ass-even-though-my-first-name-is-benjamin" Sisko is now bringing you Very Special EpisodesTM.
Instead of seeing Worf smack people around, or Picard pontificate at aliens, or Sisko just intimidate the hell out of everyone, we're going to see the fodder of the Very Special. Neelix goes through puberty. Janeway goes menopausal. Kim discovers girls. Come to think of it, any of these would be a drastic improvement over real Voyager episodes....
We see those six words, we know what to do. Send the ship into a wormhole, then turn the spell check on in the writer's word processors so they can't use any made-up words to save it. Galactica will win since, whatever Shane may say, hi-tech covers of The Guns of Navarone and The Dirty Dozen are vastly preferable to Voyager's technobabble cultural-relativism fests. Galactica will do us the favor of killing off Voyager before it shows up in Star Trek XI.
--A Very Special Commentator.
In Galatica's defence at least it seemed cool back in the dark days of disco (by the way 20 years later disco still sucks!) Voyager has always been crap, its even worse than Deep Space 9. Oddly Galatica's concession to women's lib will save their sorry asses. That's right the all female squadron of viper pilots. Its a fact women living in close quarters tend to synchronize their menstral cycles. Imagine that many women with PMS and advanced fighter craft. Its going to be ugly.
It doesn't matter anyway the next race they encounter be they Romulons, Shadows or Smurfs will wipe out who ever's left.
So, Voyager can only beat Galactica if doing so would teach Seska how to make sock bunnies. What lessons could the crew assimilate?
- Apollo could teach Harry Kim how to be less fruity
- Starbuck could show Seven how to oil up his fighter
- Janeway finds out how flattering a big cloak looks on a commander
- Tuvok's heart grows three sizes the day he meets that mechamical dog thing that used to scare the hell out of me
- Torres learnes how to feather her hair from those transport pilot girls
- Paris finally finds another race that flies its ships exactly like airplanes even though they're quite obviously in space
As you can see, a victory over Galactica would really go a long way towards teaching Naomi Wildman about life in the 70's. Voyager comes out the winner ... and wiser for it.
Plus, have you seen Galactica? It's a piece of junk.
- Loss Leader
Richard "Apollo" Hatch - Are we forgetting he is number one grandson?
Dirk "Starbuck" Benedict - Aside from the name association with a horrible coffee chain, he was associated with George Peppard, Dwight Shultz, and Mr. T, patron and protector of the Grudge Match and all the forces they can muster.
Lorne "Adama" Greene - here we have another winner, Michael Landon (don't puke now, I'll explain this one)
On the Voyager side the only associations are:
Janeway: Fred "Remo Williams" Ward
The Doctor: Ah-nold "Quaid" Schwarzenegger, but this doesn't count since he was only the voice of a taxi cab driver.
As I see it, this is what will happen. The Voyager is not as maneuverable as the Vipers, not can it match the sheer fire power of the several mile long Galactica (that thing is covered with enough weapon turrets to give any Imperial admiral a hard-on). But, in his wisdom Adama knows that this battle can not be won soley by destroying the Voyager, for the sake of all humanity that has suffered through another lame Star Trek franchise, they must suffer Total Defeat. Knowing that his gifts only touch on cattle herding, hauking Alpo, the occaisional gunfight and space combat will turn to strategic genius John "Hannibal" Smith to plan the boarding assault on Voyager (see how this is fitting together?) Now Hannibal is no stranger to spaceships, especially cheesy ones since he starred in many cheesy 70's space flics and he has an ace in the hole, schematics of Voyager and even a little more firepower from the Enterprise-E, all provided or stolen by Howling Mad Murdock who disguised himself as Reginald Barclay for almost a decade in order to plot the demise of all Star Trek franchises everywhere (and to save his acting career). With this in mind the battle quickly turns against the pathetic crew of Voyager as their armaments and defenses are quickly stripped away by Vipers, lasers, phasers, photon torpedos (the Enterprise remember?) and some additional help from a horde of B5 Starfuries (wait for it). The Voyager, dead in space, now must have it's crew captured for humiliating execution. A legion of battle hardened Narn, led by Hannibal, Mr. T, and Micheal Garibaldi storm the ship only to be repulsed by Remo Williams. Against the might of the Destroyer and Chiun, the Narn are, even led and inspired by the might of Mr. T, repulsed. Adama then turns to his ace in the hole, Micheal Landon. Since Michael Landon is an angel (Highway to Heaven), he calls down the wrath of God to smite Chiun and Remo. The Narn forces prevail, and the crew of Voyager, having neither chance or talent, are forced to listen to Shatner and Nimoy sing Beatles songs at high volume (golden throats vol. 3 I think). After enduring weeks of that torture, the weeping, gibbering wrecks of what they once were are turned over to the Cylons for execution, except for 7 of 9 who is now the Galactica's own pleasure toy.
In the aftermath, Adama turns to Michael Landon and asks where the Starfuries and Narn came from. Michael Landon, introduces his "daughter", Melissa "Laura Ingles" Gilbert and her husband Bruce "Captain Sheridan" Boxleitner.
Voyager's primary asset (no smart remarks, please!) -- Seven of Nine -- is actually Voyager's primary weakness. It all boils down to that most sacred of WWWF ideals: the Rage Factor(TM). Think about it, really....a ship of humans threatened with assimilation by the Borg: Get real! Even *I* wouldn't mind being assimilated if I thought that meant I'd actually get to hang with Jeri Ryan! THAT vs. a ship of humans threatened with total extermination by the Cylons: a race of oversized rolls of aluminum foil complete with KITT eyes. It all boils down to assimilation vs. annihilation: who do YOU think has the bigger RAGE? Galactica gets this one.
Sources of Rip-Off Material. Both shows do this in spades. But if I'm going to plagiarize someone else's screenplays, I would at least plagiarize the classics, not cheap crap! After all, photocopies of originals are pretty good. Photocopies of photocopies get progressively worse with each cycle. Voyager is just another branch of the Star Trek franchise, which is getting tired, at best. (Of course, with so-called actors like William Shatner, it...was tired...to...begin with....) ST:TNG was OK as a series because it introduced us to some pretty cool villains like the Borg and the "Q" Continuum. DS9 finally gave up the ghost (and there was MUCH rejoicing) because it had basically become nothing more than a space- age soap opera that never seemed to end. And then there's Voyager. Let's face it...Janeway's probably more honked off about the Starbuck/Seven incident because it wasn't the Starbuck/Janeway incident. The only reason Voyager is still on the air is because Seven's a hottie, Janeway isn't, and she knows it. Janeway would probably like to show Starbuck's "cigar" the business end of a phaser rifle right about now....
OTOH, Battlestar Galactica was a blatant rip-off of that all-time sci- fi classic, Star Wars. Evidently, George Lucas and some judge felt the same way -- he sued 'em and won! So if your gonna rip off somebody, make it worth the challenge...plagiarize off somebody who would actually come after you instead of ripping off a show that no one but geeks and dorks care about. THAT shows GALL -- as in GAL- ACTICA, baby!
Our gods are dorkier than your gods, so nyah! All Federation ilk follow some vague, vapid rule called the Prime Directive. Seems like every time they follow that rule, somebody dies a horrible death (hence the endless need for "Ensign Expendables"). The Galactites followed the Lords of Kobol. Based on experiences of my previous job, I would not worry too deeply about a computer programmer who not only dropped the first two digits of the year -- thereby subjecting the world to mounting hype of an impending apocalypse that in the end never happened (not to mention giving rise to such idiotic TV movies like "Y2K") -- but also can't even spell the name of his own flippin' programming language!!!! Somehow, I get the feeling that if I ever met these "Lords of Kobol", the first thing I'd hear out of their mouths are something like "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THOSE GEEKS BEHIND THOSE CUBICLES AT THE BACK OF THAT OFFICE...."
So, all that to say...worshipping the Prime Directive vs. an inept programmer who can't spell. Gee...I think I'll take my chances on the Galactica.
(And if I'm lucky, maybe Jeri will suddenly defect to the other side, too... Hey, a boy can dream, can't he?)
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Janeway: Yes. Mr. Tuvok, drop shields and prepare for impact.
Janeway: Proceed Mr. Tuvok. We have to let them pummel our ship until it looks like we've lost, then we come back and destroy them in the second episode.
Tuvok: I see, a two-part episode. Dropping shields. . . complete. (waits) Shields at 50% . . . 25% . . . 12% . . . shields down. Captain?
Janeway: Everythings okay, just wait for the credits. (pause) Uh, Neelix, when you set this gig up, you did make sure to mention that it was a two-parter, didn't you?
(Various explosions, special effects, flying bodies, living envying the dead, etc. . .)
- Kosh Hoss
- "Grandmasta Snot-ay," the Black Snotling, who can't really dance the worm...
Airwolf had it.
KITT had it.
They never lost, and neither will Battlestar Galactica.
- Steve (tm)
HOWEVER... As we have seen in Lost In Space, it will not be Earth, but an elaborate put-on by goofy-looking aliens in robes who plan on eating the crew of the Voyager. The crew will valiently fight off the aliens, making sure to get one crew member killed in the process (sweeps week, you know). After escaping the aliens, there will be a sappy death scene (lasting no shorter than three minutes), complete with those Damned Annoying Strings(TM) that TV producers love, wherein the fallen cast member gives a drawn-out monologue about nothing, intercut with shots of Captain Janeway looking hurt and/or concerned. the rest of the crew will then beam up, giving time for Janeway to give the Preachy Moral(TM) into her Captain's Log.
HOWEVER... by this time, the cameras are off. All bets are off, and the Galactica blasts Voyager to Kingdom Come. The end.
- Vermin Boy (Did I mention I don't like Captain Janeway?)
Although ST:TNG had style and DS9 kicked ass, my thoughts on Voyager is summed up in the following list:
Reasons Why Voyager Sucks
1. The opening credits are the episode highlight.
2. Too much Treknobabble.
3. Endless Supply of Shuttles(TM).
4. Neelix (who makes Jar-Jar look cool). Plus his cooking.
5. Too many 'temporal anomaly' episodes.
6. It would have been perfect material for MST3000.
7. Can't sleep? Watch a episode.
8. Lines like 'get this cheese to sickbay'.
9. Ships in Star Wars have better names i.e. 'Avenger' & 'Executor'.
10.If the Babylon 5 crew were on board, they would have got home ages ago.
11.I wept at Babylon 5's final episode, I won't be doing that for Voyager. Cheering, probably.
Battlestar Galactica is a clunky 70's TV series that tried to cash in on the Star Wars hype. However... it was repeated on my TV recently and it brought on a wave of nostalgia - and some of the episodes were quite good.
Besides, Lieutenant Starbuck has more charm in his little finger than the entire male population of Voyager - 7 of 9 doesn't know what she's missing.
Battlestar Galactica gets to Earth (and it's nothing like the stupid second season) while Voyager encounters another 'temporal anomaly', gets thrown into the Babylon 5 universe and is used for target practice by a few Shadow ships.
- Nicky Lewer
How could I vote against Voyager, the show with the all-time stupidest physics blunder?
Sure, Moya-- if you don't know the show, think a living Voyager with its own moods and opinions-- doesn't pack any weaponry, but she's got a heck of a crew.
A brilliant astronaut, a priestess/healer who's not afraid to kick a little tail, a pair of die-hard warriors, a weaselly diplomat, and the world's greatest vamp/thief/sneak. They've beaten psychotic military commanders, evil scientists, vicious aliens... they make Voyager and Galactica look like a buncha pansies.
So Zhaan and Rygel use their diplomatic skills to bambooze Janeway and Apollo... meanwhile, John Crichton and Aeryn Sun sneak onto Voyager and rewire the warp core to explode... and on Battlestar, Chi'ana charms the pants off Starbuck, leaving the ship vulnerable to Dargo, who starts chopping off pompadours left and right with that huge sword of his. End result: One happy Leviathan, two starship-sized clouds of debris, and one Hynerian complaining that they're not going back to loot through the wreckage for usable stuff...
Never mess with a bunch of Australian soap veterans, "Party of Five" alumni, and hacked-off Muppets. (=
"Farscape: It's just like Voyager, except it doesn't suck."
- Total geek and darn proud of it.
I'd say that Galactica doesn't even bother sending its fighters. On second thought, Adama will lure the Voyager towards the Cylon. Janeway will try to "talk peacefully" to the Cylon, whom Janeway, by her meager experience on the "ST: Voyager", will assume are "rational and peace-loving". The Cylon will show Janeway exactly HOW "peaceful" they are by blowing the Voyager to subatomic particles.
And guys, jut what DO you have against Star Trek? What SADISM encourages you to bring a franchise to fights after it had something like a 7-0 losing record?
- The Saint
We enjoy sadism. - Eds.
Look at the BG premise; you've been at war with an implacable enemy for decades and suddenly, because ONE MAN says he has negotiated peace, you come to a sight with all weapons DOWN! And leave NO DEFENSES for your home worlds! Not even some poor sod with a radar? (heck, even Pearl Harbor had that). And only ONE commander found that too good to be true after fighting the Cylons all their lives? Hydrogen and Stupidity are the two most common elements in the universe--we can't get rid of hydrogen, but the Voyager can do us the great favor of blowing Galatica out of the sky and thereby increasing the IQ of the galaxy by a few milli-points.
- Abdul bin Hutch
Disney recently released Toy Story 2
Paramount recently released Snow Day.
I rest my case.
--They went Warp 10.
--They easily blew up Borg ships.
--The Borg were first discovered in 2365. 7 of 9 joined the crew in about 2375. Seven was assimilated at age 4. That puts her at age 14. I DONT FRIGGIN' THINK SO!!!!
--Voyager went back in time to San Francois, 1997. The writers simply ignored the fact that in the year 1997 Earth was just recovering from the Eugenics Wars, and that Khan Noogen Sigh had taken over a quarter of the world.
--They even disregard their own precidents. The episode "Year of Hell" was nothing like the Year of Hell Kes went through. And then they erased the story all together.
My point is that the Voyager writers readlily disregard continuity if it'll provide a "good" story. Since an even fight is more exciting than a one sided fight, earlier precidents will be ignored and Galactica's lasers will do incredible damage. And once they are faced with a compatent crew with a decent ship, Voyager will fall apart like a house of cards.
- The Animator, who still hasn't forgiven Star Trek for how they ended DS9.
PS- Booby Prize.... heh.
Both shows have commanders depicted as competent and tough-as-nails - except when Janeway must show her Sensitivity Training side necessary to the week's moral agenda, or when Adama becomes flustered for purposes of some fairly vapid comedic relief given the intended gravity of the setting.
Both have faced some antagonists who all but have 'L's tattooed to their collective foreheads. Both shows have linguistic tendencies peculiar enough to give one fits: Galactica's quasi-futuristic "colonialist" jargon (a language which seems to devote an disproportionate of attention to units to measure the passage of time) and Voyager's affliction of The Next Generation's bleed-at-the-eyes-and-ears tendency to "tech" the "tech" "tech" and set up the "tech" "tech" "tech" (Ensign, set the Techno-Babble Buffers into motion. Engage!).
One could hash out the particulars of the numbers of opposing craft (a Battlestar and her several squadrons of Viper fighters versus the Federation starship), which gives Galactica the advantage of numbers. On the other hand, one could point out that the Galactica has an obligation to protect the civilians in the "rag-tag fugitive fleet," which would be a disadvantage against any pragmatic opposing military commander - a criterion to which P.C. Voyager does not, frankly, fit. As far as conspicuous crew liabilities are concerned, Galactica has Boxey and Muffit, while Voyager has Neelix.
However, in the end, it comes down to special effects. In this category, one would think that Voyager would be the clear winner against a series which depicted fighters where their thrust and maneuvering was handled by a single joystick (They've gone to plaid!), but not necessarily. Were the match-up between the Enterprise-D and Galactica, one could say that both shows have an embarrassing dependence upon stock footage, from "Colonel Tigh, our battleplan is as follows: First, the shot of Galactica approaching the camera, followed by the one where it goes in to the turn up and away to the left, culminating with the close-up shot of the bridge module turning slightly while firing its guns and Viper fighters flying around it. Rinse & Repeat." to the ridiculous, "What, let me guess, Ensign & ANOTHER Klingon Bird of Prey? What, is their ENTIRE navy made up of scout ships? Which relative size is it this time?" Voyager has avoided this pitfall to the degree the rest of the Star Trek franchise has, but this will ultimately lead to its downfall.
Consistent with its dismal record in other Grunge Matchestm, Voyager will be hoisted by her own Picard - er, petard. Firstly, there simply isn't enough raw material of shots of the Galactica to film its destruction, considering there was barely enough for the series, whereas the wizards at ILM have lots of experience filming the Voyager getting its head handed to it.
- Doctor Doom
Let's face it, Voyager has been away for a while. A long while. Somewhere around the seven year mark. Just as the battle begins, Tuvok goes into Pon-Far. Janeway will quickly notice how Tuvok is looking at Seven and tell him that the Vulcan version of Jennifer Lopez is being held prisoner onboard the Galatica. Tuvok beams over with an Ancient Vulcan Instrument of Evisceration and lays waste to the entire ship. As for the Vipers, Janeaway beams the pilots out of their ships and into space.
a) No enemies. Robots with only one eye hopping left and right can't aim, so they're victims not enemies.
b) No fighting. Hasn't anyone noticed, that throughout the series only one Cylon spacecraft is actually destroyed? All other 'victories' are recaps of that scene.
So this time Star Trek wins (can't believe it myself).
- Keith, God of Penguins
It's true that Voyager has its problems, which our Honorable Poobah pointed out with deadly accuracy. But Galactica? Galactica is what modern science fiction would be like if it had been founded by Sid and Marty Croft instead of Heinlein and Asimov. Much of the smog over L.A. in the Seventies was smoke coming off the fevered brains of the Galactica writers as they desperately tried to figure a way to get H.R. Puffinstuff into their universe. Also, while it's true that losing to the Kazon (the Deliverance Banjo Boys of the Delta Quadrant) must have stung pretty badly, how about a bunch that has to run screaming across the galaxy to get away from the Cylons? I mean, these guys are like my IBM PS/2 with limbs and a bad attitude. Besides, the Cylons apparently worship David Hasselhoff, since they have that KITT-like back-and-forth light-thingy on the front of their heads.
Needless to say, the Voyager crew should emerge victorious after a well-fought battle, assuming that they aren't destracted in mid-Smite by the revelation of Neelix's deepest secret- He's really Chicken-Boo from Animaniacs.
- Mr. Silverback-My oldest son, who turned 5 today, could whomp a Cylon.
Galactica shall smoosh the vapid Voyagers and Starbuck will claim Seven of Nine as his lovetoy.
Why? Perhaps you expect an A-team reference, or perhaps some help from the Hardy Boys? I need no such weak and pathetic arguments.
Galactica will win because of the Law of Ocular Trauma. See, when the Battlestar Galactica toys first came out they had these great little missiles that shot out of the vehicles. Yes this was quickly changed to appease the Overprotective Mothers of America (OMOA). Why? Because they represented the greatest danger to life as we know it. They were capable of shooting your eye out. A power so feared that mothers have zealously guarded their offspring against it since the dawn of time.
When was the last time you heard a mom screaming "Be careful or a vagabond starship will phase modulate your shields and transport a feisty band of security personnel to board you?" or even "Darling, put down that convenient plot device before you are assimilated".
Blinded and broken, the Voyager crew will be banished back into the ratings obscurity they so richly deserve, once Seven of Nine and her "Fanboy Fantasy Bodysuit" are taken away.
- The Puffinslayer, Scourge of the Puffin Empire
Voyager resebles a small missle cruiser, altho with the use of warp drive, one that goes (for comparison) at about 3000 Knots. The Battlestar Galatica most resemble a big carrier, the Saratoga or lexinton from WWII capible of 10-20 knots.
Amadala may have all the funky cultural references on his side, being the "Pa" of an angel, plus being dead makes him unkillable (You can't kill what's already dead (WWWF rule #000) BUT, he's driving a piece of junk.
Within a few episodes, Janeway and crew were able to make enough time to get away from the Kazon, and the with regularity any other bad guys they've encountered. Galacticus never got away from the Cyclons even when they GOT INTO A NEW SERIES!
Bet on the missle cruiser.
Voyager would punch holes in the engine compartment before they even launched one starfighter.
And then exit over the horizon.....
- Darth Brooks - hey the WWWF is end Star Trek deserves a win and I deserve a night With Britney Spears!
- Justin Wolf
FACTOR 1 (tm) - Leadership
Voyager - Janeway - Looks a bit like Angela Langsbury from Murder she wrote.
Galactica - Adama - Lorne Green once had a nipple bitten off by an alligator.
1-0 to the Battlestar.
FACTOR 2 (tm) - What mates you can bring along
Voyager - If it gets home, most of Starfleet
Galactica - Where have I seen Starbuck before? His face seems familier...Of course, FACE (tm). If he is here, the rest of the A- TEAM(tm)will not be far behind.
From this we can see that it will be an easy Battlestar Galactica win, as Mr T(tm) could whip Starfleets butt on his own, never mind with the help of the rest of the A-Team and a fully operational APC built from half a knackered viper, a cylon chestcover and 1987 Ford Escort hubcap. (memo to self-insert Mr Tism(tm) here)
Galactica by a county mile.
Voyager uses a JIHADic wave to ignite the RAGEionic particles around Galactica, blowing them into millions of CHIHUAHUAtius quarks.
- Scotty - firstname.lastname@example.org
There are so many anti-trek people out there that they would vote for Quark starring Richard Benjamin before voting for anything Trek.
What's next, Voyager vs. Jerry's Kids??
- Weird Uncle Dave
P.S. After putting up with that galactic flyboy Tom Parris, Janeway is ready for anything. That is, except for our good ship Death Star... I always wanted to see Seven of Nine deflate.
Since WWWF(tm) rules dictate that characters are allowed to use someone they played in an earlier movie, it is a simple matter to have Lt. Tuvok get young Tuvok to enlist the help of Ferris Bueller, who will find a way for Voyager to defeat the Battlestar group.
Alas, poor Starbuck and gang are doomed to be defeat by the boy who who can do it all.
Dang! I hate it when those crappy Star Trek shows win. I wish I weren't so observant.
Now that I've convinced you to post this, here's my thoughts:
Battlestar Galactica: Don't watch/Know anything about it Star Trek Voyager: Ummmm.......same
Well, Voyager is Star Trek, so it loses by the Star Trek Can't Win At GrudgeMatch Law of Physics(tm). Ta-da! Is that enough?
No? How much time do I have to fill?
Uhh....here's a visual aid...*picks up a Galactica & a Voyager model, begins doing voices & sound effects!*
BG: You suck Voyager! Blam! Blam!
SV: Oh yeah?
*Crashes them together, drops Voyager*
SV:NOOOOOOO! We're going dooooooown! Boom!
Hehehe...how much time left? 30 SECONDS?!?!
*Devin bashes a frying pan into his skull, falls into gasoline, then is set on fire. He falls into water, but accidentally pulls a live wire down with him. He jumps out in pain, right in front of the Grudgematch Cam.*
That's all the time I have for you tonight. Goodbye kids!
*Falls onto the floor.*
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee
Galactica, having spawned a lame spin-off (Galactica 1980) is a parent...and a disappointed on at that.
Voyager, being a lame spin-off, is just another slacker cousin in the extended Sci-Fi television family.
Galactica will just bounce a basketball off of Voyager's head, demanding "You wanna be the Daddy?!" until Voyager breaks down and cries like a little girl with a skinned knee.
- Sugar Daddy
The Galactica has hordes and hordes of fighters. The Voyager has a shuttlecraft. (The Infinite Shuttlecraft Effect doesn't help: they may have zillions, but only one per episode!) The Galactica wins.
Oh, and don't forget the power of Stock Footage. All of Galactica's battle scenes were composites of the same 5 scenes of fighters swooping and Cylons blowing up. There isn't any stock footage of the Galactica blowing up -- it being a family show, I'm not sure there's any footage of a single fighter being destroyed. Since no footage of the Galactica being destroyed exists, the Galactica cannot be destroyed -- to do so, they'd have to actually make new special effects. Voyager, on the other hand, has blown up on several occasions, thanks to Alternate Reality plot devices and other such ratings-boosting nonsense, and that footage can be re-used easily.
- Jason Goodman
As all dedicated Grudgies(R) know, any time the good guys from Star Trek participate, they get beaten into next week. Worf got his butt handed to him by Chewbacca, DS9 got obliterated by Babylon 5, and 7 of 9 got fragged by Ivanova. With this kind of history behind them, Voyager might as well go ahead and forfeit now. Oh, one thing though. Don't insult crews with cooks and holograms as bridge crew. I mean, the Red Dwarf has a droid (who cooks), a hologram, a semi- literate bum, and the vainest entity in the universe as crew, and look where they are.
I won't be surprised if you don't post this response, though--chances are, by the end of the match, you'll have a billion others like it.
+++Praise the Emperor, for he is our salvation+++
- The Prophet of Our Most Glorious Emperor (aka a WH40k geek)
By this point Voyager has rasied its shields, and is about to commence the destruction of the Galactica.
Meanwhile, on the Galactica,
Oh dear. The fighters weren't even launched before Voyager had blown the strategic sections of the Galactica out of existence. Maybe a quick photon torpedo down one of the fighters' launch tubes. Prehaps a phaser hit to the bridge.
After all, the Cylons are only stupid versions of the Borg with much slower reflexes. The federation has not fallen to the Borg yet. What happened to the rest of the Battlestars. Oh yes, the cowardly Adama ran off and left them to be destroyed.
Problem: Adama cannot flee Voyager.
Well, enough said.
Galactica will win. IWLLIWACITCALAG!!!!
- Peanuts "It's late and I'm very tired" Pat
What a way to end a website...
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Death Star v. Enterprise
Babylon 5 v. Deep Space Nine
Other Star Trek based Grudge Matches
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