World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

The B'omarr Palace, Tatooine

The piquant music of Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band mixes with laughter both derisive and cruel as the Scum of the Universe™ congregate in the well-fortified headquarters of the capo di tutti capi of space criminals, Jabba the Hutt.

Bib Fortuna leans over to whisper into Jabba's ear that his specially ordered prize has been delivered to him courtesy of a phalanx of bounty hunters. Jabba's Gamorrean guards flank the delivery: a large and green yet attractive bikini clad ogress, just the plus sized exotic the Hutt hungered for. "Unhand me!" yells the manacled beauty. "I'm... I'm a princess, dammit! I get to be rescued by dashing knights in armor! You'll be sorry!"

Jabba laughs and grunts out a sentence in Huttese (luckily, subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen). "Ho ho ho ho. From now on, I am only going to have princesses replace the dancing girl I 'accidentally' fed to the Rancor. I like their spirit!"

Having successfully chained the princess to the foot of his throne, the ugly green Gammorean guards disperse... well, except for one. The guard walks up to Jabba, holding onto a grey, mohawked quadruped with a thick rope around his neck.

"What kind of strange alien creature is this you place before Jabba," the massive criminal asks of the guard.

"Alien creature?! I'm a DONKEY! D-O-N-... K-... uhh... help me out Shr-I mean, Gammorean guard."

"Ehh, Mr. Hutt, serr," says the guard, turning towards the donkey, "thess one, he's from the planet SHUT-YERR-EVER-YAPPIN-CAAKEHOLE. Annoying things, them. Eye'll just be puttin' hem in the baack storrage room with the cleaning solvents and the doostpans and the laser blasters and whatnot." He leads the donkey off past the throne, tipping a wink to Princess Fiona as he passes by.

Jabba watches him go, then turns to Bib Fortuna and says, "Keep an eye on that one. I'm not too sure about him."

So, Paul, will Shrek save his spunky sweetheart or will the fat fiend finish them for fun?

Jabba the Hutt, Star Wars Shrek

Jabba the Hutt vs. Shrek

The Commentary

PAUL: I'm going with the mean green ogre machine. Thinkmaster will try to convince you that Jabba is some sort of uber Tony Soprano that will ruthlessly dispose of Shrek. And I agree that Jabba is just like Tony Soprano... if he had just swallowed whole Big Pussy who had just gulped down Bobby Bacala who had just cannibalized everyone at the Bada Bing! on free lap dance night. To call Jabba "obese" is an insult to anyone who weighs less than an SUV. In the Return of the Jedi, all the Hutt is physically capable of doing is eating and tongue fondling the dancing girls. This latter activity confuses me to no end, as I doubt he's seen Little Jabba since Anakin was pod racing. I doubt it could be found under those mountains of flab using an industrial crane and a National Geographic search team. (And if he sees Donkey's equipment, he'll just lose all will to live.) Maybe if Dr. Phil (who, admit it, would fit right in at the Cantina) dropped by and put Jabba on a dieting and self-esteem regimen, I might be mildly concerned. But I sense Jabba won't be able to do anything more menacing than wiggling his tail at Shrek before the ogre lays down the Smackdown™.

But Jabba's shortcomings are really irrelevant. Shrek is the most powerful force we have ever had in a Grudge Match™. Oh, stop gasping already and consider this. Shrek is ugly, fat, ill-tempered, bad mannered, foul smelling, has green things growing out of his head, his best friend is a donkey and he lives in a swamp. The beautiful princess marries him because she wants to. People, outside the porn industry and perhaps my fellow commentator, this NEVER happens. I don't care if he saved her life –– that just gets him a front row seat to the wedding to Prince Charming. Then she voluntarily becomes an ogre (twice, no less!), simultaneously giving up her looks and putting on 200 pounds. This is unbelievable even by fairy tale standards. I don't know what it is, but Shrek's powers are beyond mortals' reckoning. He simply cannot be defeated.

The only victory Jabba can look forward to is his foul carcass giving the rancor indigestion.

JOHN: To paraphrase an eminent sage and philosopher (™ Hotbranch!), I got 99 problems, but Paul Golba's commentary ain't one.

That final paragraph in the preceding commentary, folks, was pure, unadulterated, Golba projection. Just because he can't get a date doesn't mean that no one else can. Let me tell you this - both Hotbranch and I managed to date and marry women several orders of magnitude more attractive than ourselves despite being born with physical deformities that would make the Elephant Man a GQ cover model by comparison. What is the secret of our success, you ask? Simple: equal parts confidence in ourselves and good, old-fashioned mind control. Ah, the delights of off-market pharmaceuticals and post-hypnotic suggestion. Hey, if it can happen to us, it can happen to you too. It just can't happen to Golba.

Anyways, even if Shrek does have mind control, they won't work on Jabba since, as we found out in Episode 6, he is immune to Jedi Mind Tricks. As for Jabba, the comparison with Tony Soprano does not quite do justice to the Hutt. Jabba is the head of a vast criminal empire which involves smuggling, slave trading, assassination, loan sharking, protection, piracy and spice dealing. That's right: Jabba is such an effective criminal that he makes pantloads of money off of smuggling cumin and garlic salt. Also, imagine if Tony Soprano had a Sarlacc pit in which he could dispose bodies, instead of burying them on uncle Pat's farm. Or a rancor pit. "Ay, Johnny Sack, a little to the left. 'At's right, Jamook" (swish). Shrek has to date only dealt with opponents whose worst crimes include breaking the legs off of gingerbread men, a feat duplicated by countless six year-olds each Christmas season. When he deals with Jabba, he's into a whole new class of villain -- the epitome of scum and villainy of the galaxy, according to none other than Obi-Wan.

Add to this a series of intergalactic bounty hunters and henchmen to do Jabba's bidding for him, and it's pretty clear that tiny chunks of Shrek and Donkey will be found the next day in rancor stool. Ay, get that rancor some gabbagool, presto!

PAUL: John, are you saying you have Shrek-level abilities? Are you implying your wife got fat and ugly when you married her? Man, I am SOOOOO GLAD I am not you right now.

As to his "success", Jabba lives on Tatooine, where the main resources are desert, more desert and annoying kids. I don't see how one gets rich shaking down sand farmers and, even if one could, no sane rich person would want to live in this giant litter box. It's all hype. For further proof, look at his hired flunkies, who he is obviously getting on the cheap. Greedo couldn't hit the side of the universe from five paces. Jabba's most trusted assistant Bib Fortuna is so weak minded that Luke probably has him waxing the Millennium Falcon as we speak. And who with any pride hires someone named "Zuckass"? Shrek can pay them all off with a year's supply of donkey manure and they'll be thrilled for the better chow.

Furthermore, what "supercriminal" gets whacked by a princess? Who weighed 90 pounds. Including the bikini. While she was in chains. Now let's add into the mix Princess Fiona, who beat up a half dozen men with Matrix-like kung fu moves and that was before she became an ogre. These days, she can grab Jabba by the tail, whip him around like a late saucy mermaid and fling him to Mos Eisley. And then Shrek will start the serious pain.

So, John, while you are sleeping on the couch tonight (and every night), consider the happier scene of Shrek, Fiona and Donkey, riding off into the multiple sunsets. And watch out for frying pans.

JOHN: Alright, Paul. If you're going to call my wife fat and ugly, how's about we exchange pictures - I'll send you a picture of my wife, and you send me a picture of your right hand (and your mistress, the left), and we'll agree on who got the best deal.

Why does the head of an interstellar criminal empire live on Tatooine, an Anakin-infested wasteland? The same reason that Tony Soprano lives in New Jersey, a Golba-infested swampland, or Osama bin Laden lives in the mountains of Afghanistan, a yak-infested... er yakland. When you're a criminal mastermind, you don't set up stakes next door to the local constabulary. The same counterintuitive rationale holds for assassins and bodyguards named J'Quille, T'anus Spijeck and Zuckass. You have to be a damn good assassin to survive in the underworld with names like that for very long. This very principle is at work with the mob: How many people do you think made jokes about Big Pussy's name? My guess: quite a few at first, and then rapidly diminishing numbers following the first couple of gangland slayings. These guys are clearly tougher than Shrek, who is basically a well-meaning doofus with a solid core of self-loathing and intimacy issues. He's basically Dustin Hoffman's character from Kramer vs. Kramer (neither of which was the cool Kramer, Cosmo).

And I don't know about you, the first few minutes I saw Carrie Fisher in that bikini top, I wasn't exactly thinking about how best to position myself in case of a surprise attack. Pretty much anybody could have come along and killed me right there and then. But, as you point out Paul, che bruta, this ain't exactly Princess Leia we're talking about here, looks-wise. Hence no distractions. Jabba can just stick to tongue-bathing Fiona at his discretion while his team of bounty-hunters and guards cleans up the trash. Yep, waste management: the traditional cover operation for the mob. Brother, it ain't easy being green.

Thanks to the many people that suggested this or a similar match.

The Results


Shrek (2382 - 61.7%)


Jabba the Hutt, Star Wars

Jabba the Hutt (1480 - 38.3%)

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Voter Comments


The fact that both competitors are mean, ugly, and sloppy are not the only similarities. Both send shivers of fear down the spines of normal humans in their respected universes. Both fall for princess not of their species. Both eat frogs and both live in areas often undesired (Tatooine for Jabba, the swamp for Shrek).

In fact, connections continue to run deeper. The princesses are both tough, spunky, and have very interesting family ties (SHREK 2 NOW IN A THEATER NEAR YOU). Shrek and Jabba have both very chatty and very annoying companions (Donkey for Shrek, C-3PO for Jabba). Jabba's Palace is as busy and as crowded as Shrek's Swamp. Those guards I can't remember the names of look like pigs and are generally pointless characters; same goes with the free little pigs. Each has a character that was once a tough cult icon and was later turned into a pansy; this fits both Boba Fett and the Big Bad Wolf to a key. Jabba had an exotic band consisting of a blue elephant on keyboards, a blind pink blob playing a flute, and a long-lipped alien gypsy flashing her boobs; Shrek has Smashmouth.

And I wouldn't be suprised if that's a giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl Rancor.

The truth suddenly becomes clear: Shrek and Jabba live in parallel universes and are basically the same person in a different dimension. If we take a key from Jet Li from "The One," we know that when you kill another you in a different dimension, then that you's power is spread evenly between the remaining yous. So, if Jabba kills Shrek, the Hutt would be able to scream real loudly and grow legs. If Shrek kills Jabba, Shrek will gain an addiction to bubble- pot smoking and the ability to talk with his mouth full of frogs.

Wait. Shrek can already do that, meaning that Shrek is already all powerful. Shrek gets the girl and a new smelly blubber-blanket.

- Killer

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Eventually it seeps into somebody's head that an ogre turned up moments after they kidnapped an ogress. Ogre, ogress? Hmmm...

Shrek is seized and dragged before Jabba who laughs his big lazy laugh and says "Y'tenk'y cn oatweeta hot dooy', y'weepuke?" ("You think you can outwit a Hutt, do you, you little vermin?")

"Wait a minute! What's that you said?"

"Shoot't! Oar y'lbe stook b'twin th'tith o'm'bantha afoare y'git anoathr wrdoat!" ("Silence! Or you'll be stuck between the teeth of my bantha before you get another word out!")

"I knew it!" Shrek cries in glee, "Ah, it's good to here a real full- blooded Scottish accent for once! Sorry to assail your ears with my watered-down kiddy-friendly semi-Scottish brogue."

Jabba's imperious air melts away, his eyes mist over. "Ye...y're froam Scoatlnd?" ("You... you're from Scotland?")

"Aye, originally."

"Sents bipprezd! Y'hav noo idih hoe loong ave bin wet'n fr soamwoon t'com aloang hugh cod ondrstand mih w'thoat thiz b'nated soobtatels!" ("Saints be praised! You have no idea how long I've been waiting for someone to come along who could understand me without these beknighted subtitles!")

"Why did you leave Scotland in the first place?"

"Th'fuhd, t'bi'onnest. Fuhd's toe beg a parto'may lafe fr'm't'settl oan tha'Scoatesh crahhp. Uhmehbe foand o'felthy roodencend oon'dentifable ensect craichrs, boot HAGGIS?" ("The food, to be honest. Food's too big a part of my life for me to settle on that Scottish crap. I may be fond of filthy rodents and unidentifiable insect creatures, but HAGGIS?"

"I know just what you mean! I make a mean swamp-rat stew, but I've never been able to do anything with haggis. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

This pithy little quote rings a bell with Jabba. Hadn't he heard it before in a movie... called So I Married an Axe Murderer?

"Holl'd th'foon! Er y'pled b'Make Mayrs, b'anny chance?" ("Hold the phone! Are you played by Mike Myers, by any chance?"

"Er, yes, actually..."

"Soo'm 'ay!" ("So am I!")


"Aye, em anoathr wonn'v hez ovvr-th'tuhp Scoatesh charctrs lake Fahht Bahhstrd n'th'dahd frm'Ahhx Merdrrr." ("Yes, I'm another one of his over-the-top Scottish characters like Fat Bastard and the dad from Axe Murderer.")

"Well, it is a small world, isn't it?"

"Not really," says a nearby squash-like creature, "So many people in movies these days are played by Mike Myers under some kind of elaborate makeup that they're bound to run into each other. I'm one."

"Really?" says a tall two-headed woman, "Me too!"

"Me too!" says the chair the woman was sitting on.

"Actually, this might seem odd," says Fiona, "But so am I!"

Eventually it turns out that everybody in that room, and indeed almost everybody in every Star Wars movie, is played by Mike Myers under a massive layer of makeup. They put aside their differences and throw a party instead, with all of Mike Myers' characters invited, and everyone is happy (although Dr Evil's "Austin, I am your father" bit doesn't go down well with Luke Skywalker).

- Flag and Hat Boy

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

"Not Sure"!? Pizza... I mean Jabba the Hutt is NOT SURE about Shrek? He should have had his advisor help him put two and two together (he never was good at math), and then had Shrek tossed into the digestive system of the nearest pit creature. Consider that (1) Jabba knows exactly what an ogre looks like, (2) a talking donkey should send up a red flag when it is with anyone claiming to be a guard, and (3) Shrek has a farily strong accent. But who can blame them? We all know that ogres are masters of stealth. Anyhoo, most likely, the ogre gets some blasters from the aforementioned storage closet, frees the princess, frees three mice, and the three carbon-blind mice, say, stumble into a bag of salt that falls over and kills Jabba grusomely. Finally, if all else fails, Shrek Knows The Muffin Man™ (currently residing at nearby Drury spaceport). In an ironic twist, Jabba would be eaten by a large desert.

- Don't call me Ishmael

I'll assume you know you're running a Good Guy vs. Bad Guy match, and pretend that makes no difference.

First of all, Jabba the Hutt can't do anything. He sits... and that's about it. Shrek can bounce all over the place, and has done so before. This bit of mobility should be enough to give him the match, but for the security guards placed randomly about the little gloom pad. This one calls for a bit of strategy. Does everyone recall that Shrek KILLED FISH UNDERWATER with his flatulance?! Good. Simple knock out gas does the trick, and Shrek is in no short supply of it. The only X factor is whether or not Shrek gets dropped into the Rancor's pit. Seeing as Luke... a skinny little half-Jedi at the time... killed that thing, Shrek oughta have no problem... considering they're both incredibly ugly, know how to make a lot of noise, and probably are poker buddies, based on their tempers. So while they're playing Sabaac, Fiona breaks out, strangles Jabba with her hair, and they're both gone with Shrek's card winnings before anyone even wakes up.

- A New Cynic

Here we have two combatants from blockbuster films, competing for a girl. Jabba is in a trilogy, and Shrek has a third movie in production now, so we can cancel that out.

Jabba, as mentioned, has his army of goons. That's good, but many of them suffer from what we here at WWWF(TM) call Redshirt Syndrome (TM). Besides, Shrek has Donkey, Dragon, Donkey-Dragons, Puss-in- Boots, the Big Bad Wolf, the Gingerbread Man, the Three Little Pigs, and Pinnochio (who, by the way, wears a thong!). Not good enough you say? This ragtag bunch of fairy-tale fighters defeated Lord Farquaad and the Fairy Godmother, both of whom had armies themselves. 'Nuff said.

Jabba is a slug, and moves about as fast as the line at the DMV, only with more complaints about his odor. Shrek is completely mobile, and has outrun fire of all things, while holding Donkey and a non-ogre Fiona. Guy's got some skills.

The real reason that Dreamwork's star will conquer is simple. In the end of Shrek 2, Donkey and Puss-in-Boots sang "Livin' La Vida Loca," allying them with now-dead Ricky Martin. Ricky also did "She Bangs" giving Shrek a hand from William Hung(TM) and American Idol (TM). Nobody can beat Simon Cowell. Or undead Zombies, such as Ricky, Gene Siskel or The Living Dead.

Jabba will, simply, get slugged. And as he dies, the last thing on his mind will be Carrie Fisher in a gold bikini...

- GreenNinja, Wizard of the Box Office

I have to vote against Jabba, just because he got killed by Princess Leia. I mean, Princess Leia. What else did she do? She shot a bunch of stormtroopers, a feat only slightly more impressive than tying one's shoes. She also managed to get shot by stormtroopers not once, but twice. This puts her at about the level of a group of Red Shirts, but wait! She also managed to get captured. Four times. If someone like that can beat Jabba, even Farquaa could probably beat him up.

- Fish of Death

What do you get when you cross a Scottish soccer hooligan with The Hulk? Something (according to this week's box office) more powerful than Earth-ending natural disasters, the armies of ancient Troy and Greece, and the combined power of Frankenstein, Dracula, the Wolfman and Wolverine. Sure, Star Wars fans on the site have ousted wins from Trekkies repeatedly. Yes, repeatedly. But let's see how well they hold up against Shrekkies.

- The Jester.

Shrek - seduces a Princess. A Princess who was in Charlie's Angels no less.

Jabba - gets strangled by a Princess. A Princess with a laughable pastry product haircut no less.

Need we say more?

- Psycorp603

I say Jabba wins because he is fatter. MUCH fatter. Shouldn't that be the deciding factor here? I want the fattest guy to win every time.

- Grudge-Pops™: "Accidentally deleted, my eye....

Shrek was able to sneak around a Fairy GODMOTHER!!! Who in Shrek 2, is an obvious Mafia MAGICAL crime lord. And Shrek whupped her ass, and therefore, Shrek and Donkey on another whirlwind adventure can easily kick a non-magical Mafia crime lord.

- Nerdboy32121

Leave us face facts...George Lucas can't hit the ball on the fly no more. Star Wars has become a train wreck, & 5 years from now, Jabba's going to be looking for work as a stunt double for Newt Gingrich. But Shrek is hot! Shrek is HAPPININ"! Shrek is on a glass at the Burger Barn! Shrek got the MOJO, BABY!!

I expect to see Shrek at the Playboy Mansion (which I often frequent) any day now.

Shrek has Shaft levels of coolness, or he would if he got a big feathered pimp hat.
Shrek in 3 rounds, easy.

- Bosda Di'Chi

My initial respone was to go with Shrek, naturally. After all he rocks, and is known as Austin Powers in Real Life (tm).

But then John made a HotBranch! quote, which greatly increased my chances of voting for Jabba. This bothered me to no end because I didn't WANT to vote for Jabba and I needed a way to subverse this particular word of HotBranch!. I stayed up all night thinking about it and searching for holes in the argument for Jabba.

Then I saw it: Paraphrase.

If religion has taught us anything, when one paraphrases the Word of God(TM)(or in this case, HotBranch!) bad things happen such as the Crusades or the Spanish Inquisition. Therefore, since paraphrases are misquotes and misquotes are lies and lies are bad the argument for Jabba is invalid. Go Shrek!!!!

- Kryptonite - Loyal fan of HotBranch! (Oh Canada, eh?)

As much I love Jabba, Shrek is the obvious choice to win, and not just because both the Shrek and Star Wars universes dictate the defeat of the baddies. To ease the strain on the readers, I'll put this in point form.

1) Donkey's sweetheart is a dragon. Don't let the lipstick and long eyelashes fool you; this dragon will not hesitate to spit-roast anything that threatens her love. And citizens of Tatooine are afraid of the legendary Krayt Dragons. Once the dragon bursts in, all of Jabba's court will run for their lives, except poor Jabba, who can't run and is melted to a grease stain.

2) Shrek is cutting-edge CGI. Jabba, as with all Star Wars characters, must prostrate before anything CGI.

3) Anybody who's read the Star Wars novels knows that Jabba was the centre of at least a dozen assassination plots, including one by Bib Fortuna himself. If he hadn't died on the sail barge, he was unlikely to last a week. If Shrek wants to take out Jabba, he'll just have to wait in line.

4) In Return of the Jedi, it's pretty obvious that Jabba was even more strung-out than Carrie Fisher. And that's saying something. If this were a Twinkie-eating contest, I'd give the edge to Jabba, but...

5) Shrek combines Mike Myers with Scotland, which have enough combined power to win about 8 Grudge Matches in a row.

6) If Puss in Boots shows up, Jabba will be longing for the days of Luke and his lightsabre in the carnage that follows. And if Puss brought a tommygun in a guitar case, it'll be over that much sooner.

7) Jabba's last big role was in '83. He's morbidly obese, can't speak English properly, is most famous for playing a crime lord... yep, just like Brando. Like Brando, Jabba's fallen on hard times, barely able to sit through a zonked-out cameo in Episode I. He'd be best to stay out of the way of Oscar-caliber Shrek.

8) Barring everything else: "Oh, you're a girl rancor!" 'Nuff said.

9) Jabba's best weapon is Boba Fett, but Fett's only loyalty is to money. Once the mayhem starts, the dragon shows up and Jabba is getting his tail handed to him, Fett will decide that the price on Jar Jar's head is more profitable and get out of there.

Shrek saves Fiona in what would make an awesome trailer for Shrek 3, and then leads Jabba's court in a karaoke party of Smash Mouth's greatest hits.

- Rocky Clock

I saw this match and my first thought was, No brainer. Shrek and Fiona, the Undefeated Ogre and the Warrior Princess Supersized, against the guy strangled by Leia? Ogres all the way.

But then I noticed that Fiona is expecting to be rescued by a knight in shining armor. This puts her back in Helpless Princess Mode(TM), and she's out of the fight, just like when she was in the dragon-guarded tower. Donkey's only use in that fight (or any fight in the original Shrek movie) came from his ability to romance a dragon - who isn't present, and frankly, not even Donkey could put up with Jabba long enough to sweet-talk him.

Suddenly, it's Shrek alone against a crime lord so vicious that he actually unnerved Han Solo. And Shrek has a habit of bowing to pressure when there's a series of projectile weapons aimed at him by Farquaad, Robin Hood, etc etc. What can he do against Jabba?

"He can grab Jabba by the tail, whip him around like a late saucy mermaid and fling him to Mos Eisley," just like his wife could. Dang it. Sorry, Star Wars, I tried, but you never did make Jabba as intimidating as he's supposed to be and Shrek's as coolheaded as they come.

- Easier and easier being green

The only way this could be more lopsided is if Shrek was fighting Pizza the Hut instead.

- Ilsoap

Considering the merits of both opponents I have to go with Shrek.

On the one hand we have what is in reality a giant slug that enjoys eating frogs more so than the company of females. This would make him French and must therefore loose.

If the above argument is not strong enough then let us consider Shrek. This is a character voiced by Mike Myers who also played Fat Bastard. Now this is a fat Scotsman who finds himself stuck on a planet with no deep fried mars bars, Iron Brew, or Haggis. He is going to be pissed off and now some French guy is looking at his woman. Shrek has got the Ragetm and The Eye of the Tigertm and it would take the Death Star to stop him.

End result, Jabba turned into mince and stuffed into a sheep's gut being served on a platter for Shrek / Fat Bastard to enjoy with a bottle of single malt.

- Fun for All

Shrek confronts Jabba in the middle of the spacious Rock-n-Bowl in Mos Eisley.

Shrek: "I wances have the Princess now!"

They draw their light sabers.

Cutting to the chase . . . after a pitched battle lasting a good 45 seconds, Shrek and Jabba are both winded.

Shrek: "*gasp* *cough* I'll never given it up. Give me back dat Princess."
Shrek (to Donkey): "Whatsed he say?"
Donkey (reads subtitles): "Ogre said he be yo' father Shrek."

Shrek stands there, stunned. Then, from the stage, another voice echoes.

"I would like . . . to talk to you-ou . . . about your act!"

Bill Cosby steps in from the crowd, a box of Jello Pudding Pops in his hand.

"These Huts are not holding up their end in this deal. These Huts are not parenting. They are buying things for kids -- 500 credit Air Anakin boots for what? And won't spend 200 credits for 'Hooked on Phonics.'

"I mean, look at him Shrek. He's standing on the corner and he can't speak Galactic Standard. I can't even talk the way you ogres talk: 'NARGO GHUTOP TONK SOLO CUPPA JOE'. . . And I blamed you, Shrek, until I heard this Hut talk. . . . . Everybody knows it's important to speak Galactic Standard except these knuckleheads. . . . You can't be a Sith Lord or a Jedi Master with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth!

"And don't get me started on the ogres and Huts in jail. These are not political criminals. These are people going around stealing Ewok Jerky. People getting shot in the back of the head with a blaster over a piece of Bantha Cake and then we run out and we are outraged, saying 'The stormtroopers shouldn't have shot him.' What the hell was he doing with the Bantha Cake in his hand?"

Donkey (steps up to Bill Cosby): "Bill?"
Bill Cosby: "Yes Donkey?"
Donkey: "Have a Coke and a Smile and Shut the Fuck Up."

- Dr. Stones

Shrek will win this fight. Why you ask? Because he has Donkey. Donkey was able out wit a dragon in the first movie and Jabba is dragon. If Shrek was by him self I would say no, but Donkey is there.

Further more, lets take a closer look at people behind the characters. Shrek and Donkey, voiced by Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy. Two former cast memebers. Mike Myers has had success with many different characters over the years the loss of shrek means nothing to him, but Donkey is the only character that Eddie has left, that is why Donkey will prevail.

The actual match here is Murphy Vs. Industrial Light and Magic stage crew.

If this is what Jabba has backing him up he is pure Bantha Fodda.


First things first, that "Next Match" tag was just plain wrong. We all know that Weird Al Yankovic is the 'King of Cellulite' (Fat, Line 6)

Let's not forget Jabba's hand-picked champion, Boba Fett. Anyone who can stuff and mount the predator over a little pink bunny won't have any trouble with a Hulk-wannabe and the jackass that gave us "Party all the Time."

- Weird Mark

"Kings of Cellulite"? Christ, for one disturbing moment there I thought you'd have Bridget Jones in the match-up, thank god you didn't.

You know, I think one of the cleverest (is that a word? Hey, who cares?) creations on this brilliant site is undoubtedly the Dave Christiansen Annex. I find it really clever that you were able to put the matches into several categories: such as Televison, Simpsons, Ladie's Night and Sci-fi. (please note how I've cleverly not mentioned Star Wars or Anime, giving the impression that I will vote for Shrek or Jabba)

But maybe, just maybe, it would do good to add a "Incredibly One-Sided Matches" section. After all, you could put Death Star vs. Enterprise in there. And Flipper vs. Jaws and Harry Potter vs. Anakin Skywalker and Wood Chipper vs. Olsen Twins (Oh...wait...)

You could also add this match as well, because it's totally obvious to everyone that WWWF Grudge Match is going to kick the living crap out of the so called ""

You mess with one of the most godly sites in the world and what should happen to you is exactly what happened to CI Host. DIE VERSUS.COM DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and this match? Shrek is a Disney product, Disney kick the living hell of Bill Gates's (aka Satan) Microsoft, so Shrek will be used to kicking the crap out of evil people.

- Jonathan Milne

Shrek isn't a Disney movie. However, it did crush Disney at the box office while making fun of the Mouse Empire™, so you have a point. - Eds.


So what do we have? We have an ogre against a very, very large slug.

no-not-the-ONE: Shrek is green and superbly animated. Jabba the Hutt seems to have slight intersect problems (may I draw your attention to Han Solo's Foot meets Jabba's Tail). But still, Jabba started as a puppet and evolved to become a CG beastie, so he knows how to deal with both the physical and the digital. I'd have to give him the bonus marks here.

and-now-part-TWO: The Girl. Princess Fiona is known for her anger management problems, habit of turning into another ogre and slight TV Personality disorder (cf Trinity, any of The Matrix films). She really isn't the kind of girl I'd want to capture, let alone try to keep on a chain in my bedchamber. She wouldn't bother strangling Jabba with her own chain, like Leia did. She'd kick his head into mush on the far wall before he could sneeze. And before Shrek could sneeze either (thank the Heavens for that one).

whoda-thunk-it-THREE: Condiment Vulnerability. Shrek is only known for looking away in revulsion when he sees a properly made meal with a decent spread of condiments on the table. Although I have no doubts he'd love the Slug-Brain Sauce Fiona would turn Jabba into. Which brings us conveniently to Jabba, who - being a really big slug - dissolves when covered with salt. So all Fiona has to do is yank out the Portable Meal Set she keeps on her person and chuck it in Jabba's face.

Oh dear, Jabba isn't doing too well.

please-not-noreFOUR: Technology. I am afraid that Jabba's sidekicks are all heavily armed with all sorts of weapons which could turn Shrek and Co. into Gouda Cheese (mmm, ogre flavour). Fortunately for Shrek, they're one-size-fits-all-hands because of the startlingly variable hand sizes of Jim Henson's Muppets. So he can nab a sub- machine-laser from the cupboard and kill everything. Remember, Shrek's a dead shot these days. It comes of throwing cattle to Fiona for cooking (chauvinist pig). Across six fields. And a small forest.

Even match here. Doesn't look too great for Jabba.

kill-me-nowFIVE: Speed. As halfway-decent Shrek fans will know, he can just about outrun a dragon's breath. Jabba - well, he hadn't even realised what was going on by the time Leia had a chain round his neck and Luke was blowing his ships into tiny little pieces. Yet again (is this not dull?), another plus for Shrek.

The Outcome:
It all goes to plan. Shrek grabs all sorts of weaponry from the weapons lockers (including a Donkey-fitted welding torch) and arms himself to the teeth. Princess Fiona runs up the wall and onto the ceiling, snaps her chains in a remarkably cool move and drops it onto Jabba's head, along with that handy salt cellar. Shrek and Donkey enter, and find that Fiona's already done the hard work. They sit down and have a game of poker with Boba Fett.

Winner: Boba Fett. Shrek's no good at poker.

- The Largest Squirrel Of Them All

Boba Fool is a non-factor in this one, along with Donkey. Previously on Grudge Match, he went after the second most annoying thing in the world. With the Energizer Bunny out of the way, nothing will distract him from Eddie Murphy's vocal cords. And though I voted for Jabba, Shrek will win. Why? Because we see Shrek eating and living with slugs in the first movie. What is Jabba? A giant slug. The rancor goes hungry tonight.

- Wendell

We have to consider something very important here. Both of these beings are fighting for one major reason. Princess Fiona. If Jabba hadn't used Bounty Hunter Express to airmail himself a new dancer, Shrek would never have bothered messing with something uglier than him.

Considering the above, look at what each is fighting for.

Jabba- He's fighting for one dancer. The Hutt, alongside being the biggest crime lord in the galaxy, is a major Player(TM). He gets as many women as he wants, he hires the top band in the galaxy to play the club music for his pleasure, and he KILLS THEM AT WILL. Fiona is no different. To him, she's just another tally on the wall. If he loses her, eh, so what. He's got plenty of others at his disposal.

Shrek- Let's face it. He's fighting for probably the only female who will ever truly love him. He, as popular as he is, doesn't really register in the Sex God category of men, or even of ogres. He found Fiona while running an forced errand. They chanced to have to spend a long trip back next to each other. Now, if you spend large connected amounts of time with a person of the opposite sex, you'll either love them or hate them. In this case, Shrek's personality and OUTRAGEOUS accent won Fiona over. Lo and behold, she becomes an ogre, everybody's happy. If Shrek loses THAT, there's very little chance that he'll ever luck out to that caliber ever again.

Result- Hell hath no fury like a ogre scorned, especially one who has no chance anywhere else. Jabba falls into his own Rancor pit when Donkey accidently steps on the button while going after those little frog things in Jabba's food holder.

- The Lutt v. 2.0

Have you ever been in a Scottish fast food establishment? It doesn't matter what you order; haddock, walluby, a half-cauliflower supper...the end result is the same. Something that had the potential to be edible is now encrusted in salty, vein-hardening batter, with a delicious choice of watered-down sauces to enhance that fry-till-ye-die flavour, or at least lubricate it so it slides like an obese slug easily down your now gagging throat.

Now, it's been a while since I've seen "Return of The Jedi" but if I remember, ol' Flabba Jabba had greasy, flakey looking skin and oozed all sorts of foul, viscous fluids. A repulsive sight to anyone outside my bonny homeland. But to me, a born and bred Scotsman, he just looked like a giant chicken burger from the local chip shop.

Now Shrek, with his ridiculous accent and swampy home, probably comes from suburban Glasgow. I don't know how he got to Tatooine, but it must have taken a fair amount of time. His grease-lined tummy's gonna be a-grumblin. He'll take one look at that wobbling sack of mucous and with a cry of "GET IN MAH BELLY!" Mr. The Hutt ends up clogging the ogre's arteries for the next decade or so. And that, lassies and laddies, is why our health service is under more pressure than a North Kiltstownian heart.

- Haggis-huntin' Dave

Sorry Jabba, but mobility counts. Shrek is a ogre. He has legs. Jabba is a slug. He hasn't got any legs. Of course, we must also consider Jabba's Henchmen (TM pending). Henchmen, as we all know, are good for only a few things: Missing the broad side of a barn (case in point: stormtroopers)or schleping stuff out of dungeons (a la Nodwick). Nothing to be schleped here ('sides Jabba's remains), so we're left with missing the broad side of a barn. This refers to spotting through disguises (Lando and Shrek) and to aim with energy weapons. Shrek didn't notice when an arrow was sticking out of his rear, so he probably won't notice 2nd degree burns from low caliber blasters. This is even assuming that they hit him though.

Of course, Shrek can't kill anyone, just use WWF moves on them. Hutts aren't good at grappling or drama, so Jabba is incapitated again. Shrek is also a "Jolly Green Giant" (TM). He's not jolly because you're eating your veggies, he's jolly because he's about to rip your arm off and beat you with it! The "Jolly Green Giant" (TM) is an incarnation of the Green Man, the male counterpart to Mother Earth. Thus, Shrek also possesses all the abilities of a falling angel. Jabba is pretty much screwed.

Gotta run, bounty hunters from Nal Hutta are after me.

- Mueryn

A mighty battle is waged between Shrek and the guards of Jabba's palace, Shrek winning out via farts and heavy punches. Once the last bounty hunter falls, the ogre approaches Jabba's throne, growling in barely-repressed anger.

But Jabba has a surprise for Shrek, one that he was saving for a time like this. Salacious Crumb drops from the ceiling, holding a magic mirror smuggled out of Shrek's world. This mirror reflects what one will become in the future...

As Shrek watches, his familiar green features morph and twist, until they become... the Cat in the Hat!

"NOOOOOO!" he wails in horror, as he is forced to watch a hideous mockery of himself dance around and make stupid jokes. Donkey tries to help, until a scene of him as Pluto Nash fries his brain.

The next day, a large, carbonite-frozen statue sits next to Jabba's throne. Visitors comment on how it's only slightly less ugly than the Hutt himself...

- The Man Called True - "It could've been worse. It could've shown him Fat Bastard..."

You know, thin is in the eye of the beholder. Jabba, as has been established, likes princesses that are thinner than he is. Well, that eliminates... Evil Queen Slug-for-a-Butt from the Earthworm Jim video games. When you're as fat as Jabba, and they measure your weight in metric tons, a 200 pound weight gain is a drop in the bucket.

And beyond that, Fiona has a secret weapon - her voice. Sure, it might take longer with Jabba than with a little bird, but after a rousing rendition of Flight of the Valkyries, I'm sure Fiona's pipes could result in Jabba exploding.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

Check out Fiona when she's an ogre. Doesn't she look freakishly like Fat Oprah? Now THAT, my friends, is unheard of, unheralded bravery. Shrek has no fear, not even Jabba the Hut.

- ticklewigglejigglepickle

First off, both Paul and John need to get their facts straight. The spice Jabba smuggles is Glitterstim, a very potent and very illegal drug. And it's spelled "Zuckuss", not Zuckass.

Now, this is a tough match to call. On one hand, Shrek is resourceful and brave, but Jabba has a whole criminal organization behind him, even though the lardass can't even move around on his own. He's an interstellar Marlon Brando. Still, he does have tough guys like Boba Fett on his side, and you don't mess with the Fett man. He even survived his trip into the guts of the Sarlaac, and that's no small feat. It's a tough match to call.

Then again, this is going to hinge on Fiona. She's a nice little princess who wanted Prince Charming, but went for a smelly, fat, rude ogre instead. She's obviously the type that gets off on lousy men, like so many women out there. If she fell for Shrek, then she's going to be all over Jabba, which is no small feat. He's fatter, ruder, and smellier than Shrek by far. Fiona, having found the most abusive boyfriend she can, will personally drop Shrek and Donkey into the Rancor pit. Donkey starts pouring on the compliments, and sure enough, the Racor (which happens to be female) falls for him. Jabba gets pissed off and has them taken out to the Dune Sea to be fed to the Sarlaac. Shrek gets dropped down its gullet, but is ejected (along with a revolting soup of unidentifiable bones and goo) with a defeaning belch after he farts up a storm in it's stomach. He grabs Donkey on the way up and lands on another landspeeder and takes off. They manage to escape Jabba, so it results in a draw. Shrek resolves to never fall for a woman again and goes back to the swamp, but he does engage in some three-way action with the Dragon now and then. Fiona gets her kicks every time Jabba tounges her asscrack and whips her. Everybody's happy.

- Durendal

About Zuckass/Zuckuss, I did try to find the proper spelling, but after some research involving official misspellings and mislabeled action figures, I gave up and went with the funnier version. Be glad I didn't use "Tuckuss" instead. - Paul

I don't really want to envision a match like this taking place in the Grudge Match universe, considering the rules that can be put into effect.

Think about it. How would you feel if you saw an ugly, smelly, fat, bald green guy with funny looking ears (horns?) getting way more ass than you just because he has Austin Powers' mojo?

I predict that, armed with mojo, Shrek will not only rescue the princess, but will escape with the rest of Jabba's slave girls (and some of the more effeminate guards). When so many creatures of different colors, shapes, and sizes get together in a massive mojo- fueled lovefest, it'll make the Paris Hilton sex tape look like an episode of Sesame Street!

- Scotty J. - Actually, Paris would probably fit in on Sesame Street. I don't think she can count past 12.

I agree that Shrek has "a solid core of self-loathing and intimacy issues", but have you thought about the psyche of Jabba? He hardly ever sees sunlight. He hardly ever moves from his chair. He can only get girls to go near him if they're chained to him. When he talks, few understand him.

That's right; Jabba the Hutt is a Star Wars fanboy, and he has the infection at its worst. Dr. Phil prescribes eating some healthy food, taking up a sport, and maybe giving up the life of crime for a while to find the Jabba within. Escaping from this blob sells Fiona short, let alone Shrek.

- Mixmaster Flibble

Jabba has a band led by a female singer and the movie they were in is from the 80's. It's a well documented fact that 80's songs sung by women give Shrek super powers, even if the singer wants him to fail

- ex agent

I was going to vote, but I just couldn't take my eyes off of both pictures used for this match. The Jabba and Shrek shots look like before and after pics for the Atkins diet. Think about it. How many carbs could there possibly be in swamp slugs? I am therefore assuming they are Atkins friendly, consisting mostly of protein and polyunsaturated fat.

.....God I need a woman.

- Budo

In this match the big slug is simply out-matched. Jabba is unfortunatly one of those poor individuals for whom the Evil Overlord list (TM) was created. Not only do his hench-things wear face concealing helmets but they're of such a wild and diverse group of species that anything can be snuck in by the hero. And if a dim farmboy can get people in then Shrek can do it in his sleep. So, the big J gets suspicious of his new guard and decides to feed him to the rancor who turns out to be the dragon in disguise! One giant slug kebab later...

- dworkin

The hell with this fight, I just can't wait for next month's match- up of John's wife vs. Paul's right hand!

- The Last Patriot (10 bucks on the hand!)

Shrek may not have the finanical, sci-fi, or physical clout of Jabba the Hutt, but he has one important advantage.

DONKEY! The annoying sidekick! Shrek has Donkey, and being an animated character, the odds are immediately stacked in his favor. Due to obscure, unfanthomable Cartoon & Pop Culture Logic (TM), those with sidekicks tend to win.

We already know of this law from the Tick / Spidey fight (Tick has Arthur) and the Sherlock / Soze fight (Sherlock had Watson); the law was specifically mentioned in each match. What we don't know is that the chance of winning (or being cool) is _directly proportional_ to how annoying the sidekick is. WARNING! This chance drops off as the sidekick becomes TOO annoying.

If I can draw a curve measuring sidekick annoyingness and chance of success, I'll be drawing an upwards curve followed by a steep crash. I don't know how it works (not being a Film / TV major) but it works.

Naturally, those in the know have tried to exploit this power. They walk a fine balance between "not annoying" and "ACK! TOO ANNOYING! KILL IT! KILL IT!" I'll give examples.

In the early comics: Batman could have trained Robin to dress cool and appropiate to the environment. Instead, we had Robin in those tacky, annoying greens and reds. The law worked, and the Batman comic really took off with the arrival of Robin. Note: the Jason Todd Robin was too annoying, and had to be killed off.

Disney, for extra insurance, always stick at least _two_ annoying sidekicks to their animated protagonists, just in case. Flounder and Sebastian. Cricket and Mushu. Meeker and Flit. Fauna, Flora, and Merryweather. They took care not to introduce four or more.

Lucas inserted Jar Jar Binks into Episode I and II, trying to obey the law. Alas, Jar Jar was waaaaay too annoying and I swore off Star Wars forever after Episode II. This is one fan the franchise has lost forever!

Hanna-Barbera hit success in the 60's with Scooby Doo. He was annoying, but just the right amount of annoying. Hanna-Barbera's attempt to repeat their success backfired horribly with Scrappy.

Back to Shrek: Donkey is annoying, but not too annoying. He's voiced by Eddie Murphy, but he's a CGI marvel. He harrasses Shrek, but not the audience. Thus, with Donkey and the Law of Just-the-Right-Amount- of-Annoyingness Sidekicks on his side, Shrek kicks Jabba ass.

Did I mention Episode II made me swore off Star Wars forever?

- Katrover Swatroad

Taking in to account that the Ogre Fiona must be somewhere in the 300 pounds plus range, it is my estimation that you guys are going to have to either knock out a wall and/or put an addition on the Thinkmaster General's Porn annex in the Library so that the life size carbonite statue of the plus size Princess Fiona in the Carrie Fisher style of Slave girl uniform can be put on display there.

- BIGMRG74 - Sick and Twisted thoughts come this way....

I don't have words bad enough to call the WWWF right now for the dire situation they've put the masses in. I hope you realize that if Shrek (aka DISNEY) wins then we're going to see the death of Star Wars as we know it! Old Walt will have Episode III animated before Jaba's blood is cold! As we all know, when Disney creates (rips-off) a new "animated classic", we're going to see the dreaded SHOWTUNES! Can you imagine Darth Vader twirling and dancing around the Death Star while singing "It's a small world" along with a chorus line a stormtroopers? Or the Princess and Luke singing about thier "sibling love" for each other? Ugh...It's enough to make me swallow that little suicide pill I keep in my wallet for just such an occasion.

Now, if Chewie and Yoda did a duet about the Force that would probably be nothing short of hilarious! But not enough to prevent mass murder in the theatres.

- SXS (This is match #31 that Disney has weighed in on, ya know!)

Per above, Shrek is not Disney. But considering Episode II, maybe a song and dance number would be an improvement. - Paul
Like The Star Wars Holiday Special? - Eds.

Salacious Crumb will quickly peck out Donkey's eyes, leaving him a sass-mouthed mass of jelly to spread over the Rancor's morning toast. Jabba (having been re-animated after his death in ROTJ) will have learned his lesson about overly-long chains for his private hoolie-hoolie gals, thus leaving Princess What's-Her-Name with naught but her bare hands to strangle the fat-necked Hutt with, but the extra 200 pounds of ogre will only make her fingers fatter and, thus, less nimble. Shrek, being direct and straight-forward about things, comes right up to the Hutt and plays it tough, "Give me the girl!" Jabba, as un-impressed with Shrek as Fearless Leader is with Boris and Natasha, tells Frank to push the button and FOOP! Shrek is off to feed the Rancor.

Shrek is no Jedi. He's not even a Beldar Conehead, what narfled the Garthak (the Rancor's cousin, as it turns out) and won with a club and a boulder. He's big and green, sure, but so was the Gamorrean guard. The Rancor has a history of eating things big and green.

Shrek, fittingly, becomes an Unhappy Meal for the Rancor who (adding insult to injury) immediately washes him down with some RC Cola instead of Sierra Mist. Fiona dances for Jabba, Donkey gets fitted with a muzzle. His Exalted Fatness, Jabba the Hutt, wins.

- Cirrocco

Let's see here ... we have every heroic, overweight man's hero going head to head against every evil, overweight man's hero.

Fortunately, evil is smart, and good is dumb. All Jabba has to do is sick Richard Simmons onto Shrek. Let me tell you, if you thought Donkey pissed off Shrek, you ain't seen nothing yet. Simmons' whiny attempt to bring out the inner beauty of a big ugly ogre with a bad attitude will surely drive Shrek away from Tatooine forever. And if Richard Simmons were to cry over Shrek's bulbous belly, Shrek would leave the galaxy faster then Fat Bastard at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Jabba-Flabba wins, and waits for his chance to kill Jar-Jar in Episode III.

- Dom - When Grudge-Match combines both of these fantasy stories, the biggest resulting suspension of belief is that John is actually married.

Interesting match. So interesting, in fact, that it can only be told by a real storyteller.

So without further ado, I give you: JABBA vs told by the Three Little Bops.

Well, we're the Three Little Bops
Come 'round the bend,
And that square Sy Snootles
Has met her end.

{roar of a happy Rancor feasting on Sy....WHUH-OH!}

Poor little Princess,
Fiona by name,
Forced by Jabba
To play a nasty game.

{ho ho ho ho....ha ha ha ha....ew!}

Late one night
There arose such a clatter.
So Jabba sends Bib to
See what's the matter.

Bib gets drop-kicked
On the butt
As a guard brings Donkey
Before the Hutt.

{heh heh heh heh heh <a la Eddie Murphy>}

I bring this Dun-keh
As a gift.
'Cause all the Empire knows
'E sure gets me miffed.

Right away Fiona
Takes a look
And knows she's about
To be off the hook.

And then the guard
Who's really Shrek
Gives the signal
To everyone on deck.

The wretched hive
Of villainy and scum
Reveal themselves
To be the Story Book Chums.

There's the Three Little Bops
And Little Bo Peep,
Gingerbread Man
And Little Bo's Sheep.

The Big Bad Wolf,
Red Riding Hood
And some pathological liar
Made of wood.

So many others
Too many to write,
All gangin' up
For a big fight.

Poor old Jabba
Didn't know what to think.
So he dropped our hero
With a big CLINK.

{ayyyy....what's that smell....I thought I got rid of that Dun- kee....}

Soon, the big metal gate
Opened real wide,
And the Rancor emerged
All fit to be tied.

All Shrek's friends
Were plenty aghast
And they all agreed
"He'll never last."

Well, leave it to a woman
To bail out her man.
And sure enough,
Fiona had a plan.

She turned herself back
Into Cameron Diaz,
And then went on
To hatch her next idea.

She called for help
And got a reply
From some dumb kid
Who keeps singin':


At the sight of
Justin Timberlake
Jabba concludes
"Oh, this takes the cake."

After a round of
"Rock Your Body",
Jabba decides to
Blast the whole party.

In the ensuing chaos
Shrek frees the girl
And off they go to
Explore another world.

Well that's pretty much
What happened to them.
But wait, what about Donkey?
What happened to him?

Watch Star Wars
Parts I and II.
Doesn't that Gungan look
Familiar to you?

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

An interesting match-up. Not what one would expect. An excellent challenge to inaugurate my analyses of these conflicts.

Using all the inherent power of my Positronic Neural Net(TM), I weighted the following factors...

MELEE COMBAT - Shrek's prowess at hand-to-hand combat is well- documented. The hordes of Jabba's bodyguards, while they do have the advantage of numbers, are also stock issue Bad Guy Flunkies (TM), who can't fight their way out of a wet paper bag. Advantage - Shrek.

TECHNOLOGY - Star Wars tech, while a bit dated by current sci-fi gear standards, is still more than a medievalist like Shrek is used to handling. While he'll probably pick up on it fairly quickly (let's face it, if Chewbacca can learn to handle a blaster, Shrek can!), it's still a factor in the Hutt's favor. Advantage - Jabba

TURF - It's Jabba's palace, he knows the place well. Homefield advantage is nothing to sneeze at. Advantage - Jabba

MOTIVATION - Let's face the hard facts - Jabba is a bloated old windbag looking for a thrill on the cheap. Doesn't even go to kidnap Fiona himself - he has his Bad Guy Flunkies(TM) do it. Shrek has gone the distance for Fiona several times now, and the motivation is there, no question. Advanatge - Shrek

SIDEKICKS - The best that Jabba has going for him is Bib Fortuna (a weak-minded "yes"-man whose contribution to this fight would be minimal), and that ugly monkey-looking thing (who managed to chew one of C3P0's eyes out - a stellar accomplishment, NOT). Donkey, on the other hand, may be an annoying blabbermouth, but also packs a mean back-kick, and has some brains to boot. Advantage - Shrek

BLACKMAIL - Jabba has Fiona, and doesn't have moral scruples. A large number of scenarios I ran resulted in Shrek and Donkey wiping the walls with the hordes of Bad Guy Flukies(TM), only to end up facing Jabba, with Bib holding a blaster to Fiona's head. Advantage - Jabba

A 3-3 tie. So what tips the scale?

PETS - Jabba does have the Rancorr, a truly nasty entertainment center/garbage disposal/gladiator monster. However, it's as dumb as a post, and got fragged by Luke with just a large shinbone and a well- placed rock-to-the-door-opener. Nothing Shrek couldn't handle. And the "Almighty" Sarlacc? Please. Another immoble ever-hugnry slug (probably a relative Jabba was forced to give employment). Just stay out of its mouth and you're fine.

And Shrek? Well, if Shrek, Donkey, and Fiona are all present for this scenario, there's no reason not to toss in another visitor from the Shrek-verse. And, of course, it's Girl-Dragon. No way she's letting her sweetie run off into danger without tagging along. She's Shrek's ace in the hole. Thick scaly armor, fire breath, teeth, claws, tail, can fly... and she has a mean streak when her Donkey-man gets in trouble. She'd mow down Jabba's flunkies en masse, and shrivel him up like the slug he is. Advantage - Shrek

It's a narrow margin, and it would be very interetsing to watch, but I have to give this fight to the Mean Green Fighting Machine and his crew.

- HAL 8999 ("Just what do you think you're doing, HotBranch?")

Shrek was voiced by Mike Myers- everyone knows that. Jabba- not even imdb which lists like A ZILLION nameless ewoks LISTS Jabba's voice actor...

Who cares who Jabba was? Not me...

So this goes to the Orge- who can call on a spat of people to help him ranging from 800 lb Fiona, her freinds the 'angels', Felicity Shagwell, Foxxy Cleopatra and more co stars then you can shake a funky stick at.. while Jabba? he's just got a bunch of stunt doubles who stand there looking like they're all that.

Jabba's going down.

- Drew

(Donkey approaches a large palace in the desert. As he approaches the large metal door and knocks, it opens. He is brought before what appears to be a massive pile of pudding. After a few seconds, he recognizes it a Jabba the Hut. donkey approaches him.)

DONKEY: I have a message for you from the great Shrek, Your Highness.
JABBA: Ooga chaga moca happa Shrek? (What does Shrek wish to tell me?)

(Donkey activates a projector on his back, which projects a hologram of Shrek in a black cloak)

SHREK: Hello, Jabba. I am a peaceful ogre, and therefore do not wish you to have any qualms with me as I begin my takeover of the universe (starting with my second Acadamy Award for Shrek 2).
JABBA: Ha, ha, ha, mooka looka funka chunka. Acadamy Award Shrek makka mooba muga. (Ha, ha, ha, but I shall have qualms. I musn't let Shrek win another Acadamy Award.)
SHREK: I was afraid you'd say that. Thus, to avoid further hostilities, I offer you, as a gift, this donkey.

(Donkey, who has been attempting to talk the hologram, perks up)

DONKEY: What did he say!?
JABBA: Oga moga boga Donkey shoga, ha, ha, ha. Fooga rooga dooga bobo Bantha. (Ha, ha, ha, I have no use for a donkey. I would simply feed him to the Bantha.)
DONKEY: (Yelling at the hologram) You see, Shrek, he doesn't want a donkey! Now I'm getting outta here!
SHREK: I have no problem with that. By all means, feed him to the Bantha.
(Jabba pulls a lever, and Donkey falls into the Bantha pit. As sounds of eating are heard, there is much rejoicing.)

SHREK: Now, can our hostilities be ceased?
JABBA: Kooba dooga booba gooda bogga dooka rooka. Pooka woopa moopa soopa. Gappa moopa groopa ooga chaga. Hoopa sroopa foopa. Moocha loocha poocha woocha. Roopa moopa quoopa? Groop toopa voopa mupa zoopa! (No.)
SHREK: I was afraid you'd say that.

Then Shrek jumps into the room and starts going buck nutty on Jabba and everyone else with a light saber. After all, as we saw in Attack of the Clones, green people are awesome with light sabers. After he kills everyone, he sees something on the wall. It's gray, and has the imprint of a person. He inspects it. "Hmmmm, Han Solo in carbonite. Wonder what that means? Oh, well. It'll look great in my swamp." Thus, he takes it and leaves.

(Meanwhile, outside the palace...)
Two droids appraoch giant metal doors.

C3PO: Are you sure this is the right place, R2?
R2D2: Beep boop beep bip boop whistle beep. (Yes.)
C3PO: I hope Master Luke knows what he's doing.
R2D2: Beep bip bip boop beep whislte beep whistle. (You would doubt him, you slimy metal son of a...)
C3PO: I say, R2!

(He knocks on the door)

C3PO: I don't think anyone's home, R2.

- Inspector Clouseau

I wake up screaming in the middle of the night to some awfully, twisted dream of a very large, green Ogre dressed in a black gown with a long green stick (it's not what you think) slowly walking down a dark aisle. Beside him, blathering about scary ghosts, haunted mansions, and wildebeests speaking English is a donkey trying to act like a tough guy, but we all know he's just a frightened domesticated animal with the habit of not keeping his mouth shut. If there was a quiet contest between Donkey and my little sister, Donkey would lose; and my little sister loves the sound of her voice. Why, Jabba would drop Donkey into the Rancor Pit just to shut him up. I feel sorry for the Rancor.

In the upcoming battle, Puss would not be of any help as he's outside looking for a good place in the planet-sized litter box filled with Industrial Light and Magic Kitty Litter™, the type of kitty litter that's Force Enhanced™ to clump into Jawa Size Chunks™. As soon Puss is done with what kitty's do in the litter box, he'll search for a few Gammorean Guards™ to play with. Not even George Lucas's Krat Dragon Sized Budget™ can stop those Adorable Eyes (Patent Pending) from slaying Jabba's overgrown cross between a warthog and my used underwear.

However, Jabba, despite being the size of a WB-96 triple trailer AASHTO regulation semi, is one bad mother who makes Tony Soprano look like Tinkerbell. This is a guy who's cornered the market on selling spice. That's right; he can sell ginger and cinnamon to little old ladies for five times the going rate at the local Tatooine Quick-E-Mart©. At the raise of a chubby finger, he can place a bounty on o'l Shrek's head that'll have every Greedo™ searching out our gentle green Ogre. Of course, Shrek will spend a few minutes killing the Greedos™ lining up for suicide duty. One foul smelling release of air from the nether regions should take care of that bunch. However, the J'Quille's, T'anus Spijeck's and Zuckass's will hinder our green friend, and don't forget Boba Fett, straight from a command performance in the Sarlak's stomach, will want to cash in on Shrek's bounty.

What does that leave us, well, it appears that mining-dump-truck- belly Jabba has a sweet spot for women. Maybe it's because he hasn't seen Little Jabba© since the dawn of the Republic, the OLD Republic that is. He drooled over Carrie Fisher while she wrapped some chains around his throat. Probably thought she was getting a little wild in the Barge©. Then there was the dancer with, ahem, six mammary glands and the pretty little t'wilek who was instantly promoted to Rancor dung in the beginning of the Return of Jedi™©. Fiona, with her Matrix (still patent pending) moves will easily chop Tub-Belly into Jabba-Light (Low on Calories for all you Atkins Dieters©).

- Cre8engr


I'm sorry, it's just funny. It's funny that Jabba the Hutt thinks he even has a chance against Shrek. Now ladies and gentleman, Jabba is not exactly intimidating. The thing is actually just a 800 pound slug with one of Michael Jackson's used noses(tm) that has been stretched out. Can you not see how pathetic that is? Slugs are not hard to kill. All Shrek has to do is sprinkle some salt on ol' Jabba and he wins back the girl. Sure, you could argue that Jabba has a crime syndicate backing him up. But the truth is, his syndicate is pretty wimpy. It's mostly made up of pigs with runny noses. And really, when you get right down to it, you have to be pretty sad to be bossed around by an obese slug. An obviously disturbed obese slug.

Yes folks, the Hutt is disturbed! What else could explain his attraction to attractive women...of an entirely different species!!!!! Sure these women are very attractive to humans, but they aren't remotely similar to slugs. Think of it this way: would YOU like to see a female slug in a bikini. The slug may be attractive to other slugs, but I doubt you'd be attracted to it. Unless you have a thing for slugs. The disturbed rarely make good evil decisions, and thus Jabba will not be able to outsmart Shrek.

So Shrek will save Fiona, kill Jabba, and live happily ever after. At least, until Shrek 3 comes out.

- King Zorak

I don't care what happens just as long as I don't have to witness Jabba wearing a thong.

- Horrified for Life

As much as I like vile fat gangsters, I have to admit, Jabba is in a very bad posistion. In fact I have always thought at the outset the poor guy(?) was a bit messed up, I mean, really, why does a naked obese giant slug with arms, but no apparent genitals, like bondage clad humanoid females? So instantly the crime lord is in trouble, as his strange perversions dull his sense, meanwhile Shrek, as we know, has wit, combined with a heart of pure gold *sniff. And Jabba fell for Luke's plan, so enough said.

Then we have henchmen. Shrek, Donkey and Fiona at various stages took on dragons, all the kings men, Robin Hood, more of the Kings Men, Walt Disney's frozen head and so on, all alone (although the Dragon did help eventually), while Jabba's minions were effectively taken out by an effeminate droid, a gimpy young Jedi, and even the great Boba Fett was knocked off by a member of the visually impaired. Honestly, then to really rub salt in the wounds Jabba is strangled by his play thing, I mean that is pathetic, he was so weak, it was like the Martians in War of the Worlds being killed of like bacteria.

Honestly, why the universe feared the name Hutt I will never know, perhaps he threatened to do return to his lap dancing days. All I can say is that Donkey will sweet talk the Rancor, then the shall be much belly banging and deliverance of justice with cutting wit. Of course the real surprise is when Jabba reveals he is actually Shreks father, who lost his legs in Nam.......

- Popinjay

John, that was cold. Cold as ice.

- Potman the Predator (I always thought that the lower half of Jabba was a gigantic wang)

From John's commentary:

Let me tell you this - both Hotbranch and I managed to date and marry women several orders of magnitude more attractive than ourselves despite being born with physical deformities that would make the Elephant Man a GQ cover model by comparison.

Hey, waddaya know? Me too! Maybe we should form a club or something.

- Mr. Silverback-- My three children are in the grip of Shrekmania. Pity me.

This is obviously a proxy fight, reiterating one we've seen before on these hallowed pages. Jabba is obviously a product of George Lucas; Shrek is somewhat less obviously a product of Steven Spielberg, through his partnership in DreamWorks. We had the Lucas/Spielberg fight here five years ago, and Lucas whipped Spielberg's tail. The result should be the same here, with the mild innovation that Jabba will whip Shrek with his tail.

What's more interesting here is why Lucas and Spielberg would be using these big fellows as substitutes for themselves. Compensating, perhaps? Feeling a little inadequate in, say, critical respect for "Phantom Clone" Lucas, and box-office success for "Terminal Ladykiller" Spielberg? They see this big round guy from New Zealand with a billion-dollar trilogy and more Oscars than shelf space, and they say to themselves, "Large, rotund and somewhat unkempt is just what I need to be"?

Well, that's okay. We can let them be the two big guys on the block ... until a certain ape comes along and beats them at their game.

- Call me Shane

I heard somewhere that Cameron Diaz dressed like Fiona during a few recording sessions of Shrek to get into her character's mind-set.

If we could see Cameron in one of those dancing girl outfits, then we'd be the real winners.

- Spiffy, Elite Shadow Warrior and Future Master of You Pathetic Organ Sacks

Let's do this the easy way. I've got a hangover.

Shrek's color is green. Green as in the Hulk, Kermit D. Frog, Michigan J. Froggini, yadda yadda yadda. Green is obviously a winning color.

Jabba's color is... uh... he looks like something I crap after one too many burritos.

Do the maths...

- The Colonel

I could go on and on all day long about how good always triumph over evil, but i'd be wasting my breath considering this is Grudge Match, a sanctuary free from the oppressive constraints of cliches. Instead, I would like to acknowledge the orgins of these two combatants. Jabba is the product of science fiction, along with Spock, Godzilla, and most giant cockroaches. Shrek was spawned from fairy tales, a genre with includes living puppets, cocky gingerbread men, and selfish little brats who just waltz into a bear family's home, like she could afford one, who does she think she is the little... ahem, sorry about that. Getting back to my point, while many nerds will deny this, fairy tales kick a** over science fiction movies. Before you pick up your plasic "lightsaber" to beat me with, allow me to enlighten you: In many stories, a happy ending is reached at the expense of the evildoer. In certain versions of Cinderella, the stepsisters cut their own toes and heels off to fit into the glass slippers. The Big Bad Wolf is hacked open by a woodsmen. The giant living at the top of the beanstalk has his home broken into, his goose stolen, and plummets from the top of the beanstalk to the earth, and we all know the earth does not forgive. Shrek willhand to Jabba a vicious and Grimm (tee hee) beating at the end of which he (Jabba) will be mystically turned into a rancor and forced to fed upon doids for all eternity, and we all know what droids do to one'

- thegreatmoleman2.0


Shrek must win. After all, he's the hero of a children's movie. When are they allowed to die? Never. (And no cracks about Bambi's mom, I'm still sobbing about that)

- Eric

Can someone say Subway?

- Bind

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Bill & Ted v. Wayne & Garth
Boba Fett v. The Predator
Snow White v. Cinderella

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Next Match: The Search Is Han.
ETA: July 4th, 2004

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