World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

"Do you really want to huuurt meeee
Do you really want to make mee cry?"

"Whoa! What is that?!"

"She's hot!"

"That's not a chick, Beavis. That's the dude from the Crying Game."

"AAUUUGGHHH! Change it!"

*Click*

"YYEEESSSS!! Vixen!"

*Click*

"Whoa! Baywatch! Yasmin rules! Come to Butt-head!"

"Hey! Put Vixen back!"

"Shut up, bunghole. Baywatch rules!"

"Why do you always pick what we watch! I wanna watch Vixen! Change it, bunghole! Change it back!"

*Pause*
*Snatch*
*Click*
*Pause*

"Um, gimme that back, buttmunch."

"YYEESS! Vixen rocks!"

*Smack*

"AAUUUGGHH! That's it Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass once and for all. You're dead, buttmunch!"

This time there's no commercial breaks to interrupt their fight, so the long awaited ass-kicking finally begins: Beavis and Butt-head in a battle over the remote control. Who comes out alive with the power to flip?"

Beavis and Butt-head

Beavis

vs.

Butt-head

The Commentary

STEVE: Well, the crowd favorite here is likely going to be Beavis (with his quintessential charm and demeanor), but I really think this one is going to Butt-head. First of all, Beavis & Butt-head have their little quarrels all the time. In almost all of the cases, Beavis ends up getting wolloped. It may take the form of a bitch-slap, or maybe a well-placed kick, but typically Beavis is the one laying on the ground in pain when it's all over.

Granted, Beavis may have a chance as his alter-ego Cornholio (tm), but he simply doesn't have the opportunity to obtain sufficient sugar or caffeine before Butt-head is going to lay into him. Without his extra powers, he is effectively helpless. It's analogous to when Superman lost his powers in Superman II, and the super-criminals beat the living daylights out of him. However unlike Superman, Beavis doesn't have the convenient cinematic opportunity to reclaim them. The end result: Beavis in a heap on the floor, and the ever-popular sights of Baywatch (tm) covering the glowing screen.

BRIAN: Once again, Steve, you make my argument for me. Yes, Butt-head has continually beat up on Beavis. Time and time again Beavis has been knocked to the ground, shoved around, or pushed out of a moving vehicle. But Beavis always absorbs it. It lays inside him, waiting, growing, festering. From their exhange, we can tell that this is no "little quarrel". Clearly, something inside Beavis has snapped. Years of repressed fury have come to a head (huh-huh... I said "head"), and are now exploding in what is commonly knows as: The Rage (tm).

But this isn't just any Rage. Not Garth-Rage (tm), not Rainman-Rage (tm), not even Tattoo-Rage (tm). This Rage goes far beyond anything ever witnessed before on The Grudge (tm). Beavis will be physically transformed, much like the Hulk (tm), but even uglier. Beavis' conniption will cause him to split into two pieces; each piece further split into two pieces. Then, suddenly, those pieces regenerate into four Beavis clones: Beavis, Cornholio (who previously was only revealed with sugar and caffeine), Carrotjose, and Rutabagajuan. These four crazied maniacs will rip the startled, unprepared, and un-allied Butt-head to shreds. Crank up the Vixen!

Another note on Beavis: his name is ALWAYS mentioned first. It's always "Beavis & Butt-head", never "Butt-head & Beavis". This is a true sign of greatness, for as we all know, the greater of a duet is always listed first (see: Hall & Oates, Simon & Garfunkel, Kool & The Gang, Brian & Steve, etc.).

STEVE: You can use as many adjectives as you like to describe this almighty rage you've envisioned, but it's simply not going to make a difference. Butt-head, who will remain calm, cool, and collected, will make mincemeat (huh-huh I said "meat") out of Beavis. As we have seen time and again in countless action (huh-huh - "action") movies, the cool-headed competitor always wins. Whether it be the ice-cold Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or even the annoying Karate Kid, the one who keeps his wits about him always wins in the end. Butt-head has his wits, and all Beavis has is his beady little eyes compressed in a fit of rage. Actually, Butt-head could probably get away with the old trick of putting his hand on Beavis head and keeping him at arms-length while Beavis madly swings away. Easy victory for Butt-head.

And as far as that "Brian & Steve" bit, I'm coming over to your computer right now to kick your ass. Dillhole.

BRIAN: Gee, Steve. Last time I checked Mel Gibson was far from cool-headed in his movies ("Mad" Max, Martin Riggs, etc.) and always ends up O.K. And don't even get me started on Han Solo. So much for that argument.

But let's say that The Rage (tm) isn't a factor. (It is, but for the sake of argument...) Let's look at desire here. What does Butt-head want to watch? Baywatch (tm). Meaning Baywatch Babes (tm) and nothing else. What does Beavis want to watch? Vixen. Meaning Vixen babes (in his mind, anyway) AND some serious Rock'N'Roll (in his mind, anyway). Thus, Butt-head only has the sexual desire driving him, while Beavis has sexual desire AND the desire to rock. Ergo, Beavis has The Burning Heart (tm). He also has a burning something else, but I won't go there.

And let us not forget that Beavis has died once before. And as anyone who has been dead before will tell you, once you've died, the fear of death is gone. And nothing is more dangerous than a fighter with no fear of death. Immune to any reciprocal blows (huh-huh - "blow"), Beavis will repeatedly come back for more, much like Rodney King on PCP, and beat Butt-head to a bloody pulp.

BTW, I'll be here waiting for you, Steve. Bring it on, buttmunch.

Thanks to the many people that suggested this match-up, but we've been on top of this one for a while now.

The Results

Beavis flexing

Beavis (1397)

kicks

Butt-head (1180)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

Okay, here's the deal. I heard those buttknocking sissy-ass young punks while I'm driving down the street listening to some tunes. Nothing pisses me off more than when I can't listen to my tunes with my babe. So, I decide to go set those little creeps straight. I kick open the door, and there the two little turds are, rolling around on the sofa, fighting like a couple of girls. Suddenly, the blonde one reaches under the cushions of the sofa, and pulls out a half-melted old candy bar, covered with sofa lint and dead bugs. He downs the candy, and half a second later, he starts shaking, and then kicks the dark-haired one in the jimmy.

Then it got fun. He stood over the fallen little turd and started shrieking "I am the Great Cornholio!!" and then he put on a Vixen video. "Dammit," I said, "shut the hell up, I'm trying to listen to my music, and I can't hear a thing with all your screaming, you little freak! Oh, and turn off that crap. Vixen sucks, you weasel." And then, the little blonde bastard walks up to me and goes "Are you threatening me?!? Give me TP for my bunghole!"

So, I gave him something else, all right. A few punches and kicks later, he wasn't screaming at all, just moaning a little. The brown-haired one wasn't so bad, when he started to get up, he got the remote and turned off that Vixen crap, and put on Baywatch, which I can deal with. The little blonde maggot I threw in the trunk of my car, and gave him a ride out into the country.

 --Todd

- Chris Berg

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Scene: Two pea-brained adolecent morons slap each other like kindergarten schoolgirls over a TV remote control.

Pan left: The front door opens slowly revealing the T-1000 who has been roaming around aimlessly since the completion of his job last week. The liquid machine moves smoothly across the floor and skewers both of the squabbling, squealing idiots. One of them murmurs, "This sucks," as blood dribbles out his mouth.

Fade to black: People with taste, moral values, and common sense sigh with relief all over America.

- Robert

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Beavis and Butt-Head are rolling around beating the shit out of each other, each trying to grab the remote. The door slams open and Todd walks in.

Todd: "What are you girls watching?"
Butt-Head: "Uh, Anything you want, Todd! huh huh"
Beavis: "Yeah! heh heh! Vixens is on if you want to see it!"

Butt-Head slaps Beavis.

Butt-Head: "Shut up assmunch! Todd wants to see Babe Watch"

Beavis: "You shut up nad breath! I'll kick your ass!"

Todd knocks their heads together like the Three Stooges.

Todd: "Never mind what's on girls, my car needs some gas. I figure I can get a few bucks for this piece of shit TV down at the pawn shop."

Todd takes the TV and leaves. B&BH stare at the spot where it had been.

Beavis & Butt-Head: "This sucks!"

Then they spy the remote.

Butt-Head: "Whoa! Todd forgot the remote! I better bring it to him." Beavis: "No way! I saw it first! I'll bring it to Todd!"

and the fight over the remote resumes.

- paTRICK heSTER

Beavis: "Hey, Butt-head, want a Chicken Chunk[tm]?"

Butt-head: "Thanks, dude...gasp! choke!"

Beavis deftly retreives the remote and contentedly watches Vixen as Butt-head get bluer and bluer and...

- Son of Butt-head

At first, I wanted a third option where both of these degenerates slayed each other. Then I thought things through....

Whenever some pop culture figure dies 'before his time', from James Dean and Elvis to Kurt Cobain, a warped version of supply and demand makes him exponentially more popular. Imagine if these two bit the dust together. Cheap merchandising choking malls everywhere; mawkish TV tributes from the likes of Bullwinkle, Homer Simpson, and Ren and Stimpy; guided tours of their home; pilgrimages to their graves; slavish devotion that would make Trekkies say "Get a life!"

The Collapse of Western Civilization (Pat. Pend.) is currently projected for the late 2020s. The record-breaking opening of their film has already advanced that 3-4 days. "Two Thumbs Up" from Siskel and Ebert kicked it ahead a fortnight. If these two losers suddenly got elevated to John Lennon status, The End would come no later than August.

For the sake of future generations -- one, anyway -- I won't have them both slain. Which one to kill? Who cares? The other's career will die with him, as happens with most duos breaking up. That might be enough to postpone the CoWC for a while. We can only hope.

- Call me Shane

About five minuets into the match Steve and Brian pull Beavus and Butt-head apart and convince them to hold this fight off untill the first WWWF pay perview extravaganza-Webmania. This main event match will be known as: BUTT GAMES: Stupid Friends,Stupider Eniemies. The fight will be a no disqualification, no holdsbared, armagedon Match. Highlights of the previous matches include Mr.T deafeating Mr.Clean in a steel cage rematch, Mighty Max upseting Johnny Quest, and The tag team title being successfully defended by Wayne and Garth against Siskel and Ebert (whose dreaded two thumbs down manuver backfires). The Main begins, the fans are going crazey. AC/DC's Highway to Hell is playing as Buthead makes his entrance.

STEVE: Now Entering the ring- wieght at about 145 pounds and managed by Dihearea- BBBBUUTTTTT-HEAD!!!!!!!!

Suddenly the lights turn low and Mettalica's Until It Sleeps is being Played. Beavus hopped up on Sugar and In full Cornholeo mode is ready to attack.

Steve: In this corner waying at about 130 pounds and managed by Stuart-BBBEEEEAAAVUSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Brian: LETS GETT READY TO RUMMBEl!!!!!!!

The match begins with Beavus swinging wildly at Butt-head and gaining the early lead . Dihera throws a chair into the ring. Beavus notcies that theirs a chair in the ring and knows what to do with it. He sits on it and watches the big TV in the Stadium. Buthead regains controll of match via a quick swift kick to the NADS. Buthead then grabs the chair and all of the sudden a little light bulb goes off in his head. He hits Beavus with the chair, and now Beavus is coiled over in pain. Beavus runs out of the ring in and orders a dozen Roleos from the vender and then Storms into the anouncers both grabs the mike from Brian and yells"YOU HAVE AWAKENED THE WRATH OF MY FIREY BUNG-HOLE!!!!!" Yes fans the great Cornholio has entered the match. Butt-head on the other hand has found a can of paint thinner and has proceeded to sniff it. After 35 minuets of Carnage which I can not even begin to describe- Butt-head emerges triumphant as Beavus's Sugar Buzz dies down.

Post Match Interview:

Steve: Butt-head you've just been crowned grand WWWF champion, what are you going to do next. Butt-head: I'm going to Score! Huh huh huh!

- kARMACIDE

Beavis is gonna woop Butt-head soooo bad! All he has to do is pull his shirt over his head, and INSTANT CORNHOLIO When he's cornholio all of the other strange-cartoon super heros will come and help him, like: Powdered toast man and the not-so-popular late 70's Nearly indestructible man Beavis has this one down.

- the EDGEman

If the past is any indicator of the future Beavis will remain triumphant over the shriveled corpse of the artist formerly known as Butt-Head, for the simple reason that was overlooked---

---=====THE NARD FACTOR=====---(tm)

Whenever Beavis has been threatened an almost reflex action of kicking Butt-head in the nards... for proof of this goto the Beavis and Butt-head do america home page there under the clips you see the great battle of these almighty titans and what happens? Beavis is threatened and Butt head is floored when his testicles make the return trip to his intestinal cavity.

- Raoul the Goatboy

Neither of these shmucks will win. As the pre-eminant members of Teen-Culture(TM), they have a combined attention span of about 15 seconds. Even if they do hit each other a few times, that will only further the brain damage and shorten the fight. Within two minutes, Beavis is staring at the TV again (it doesn't matter which show, he doesn't remember what he wanted) and Butt-heads last two remaining brain cells are fighting over who gets to push the drool button.

- michael.s.donnelly@lawrence.edu

Butt-head begins his assault on Beavis, Bitch-slapping away. Beavis begins to think, and decides the time is right for a little payback. He winds up and throws the remote at Butt-head, hitting him in his oversized head, and causing him to say "Beavis, that really sucks when you do that."

Fans of the show will remember that when the word "suck" is mentioned, Beavis must stop in his tracks and utter a high pitched scream, causing one of his patented conniptions (tm). During this moment, Butt-head simply has to begin talking about Beavis' mom, which causes him to back down as he always does. By this time, the Vixen video is over, and Beavis has nothing to watch, being that MTV only has one video on per day, and even Beavis prefers Babewatch to Road Rules (tm), and Pamela Anderson to Kurt Loder.

Result: Butt-head gets what he wants, as usual, due to the fact that Beavis has too many weaknesses to exploit.

- Chuck Donovan, Virginia

Sorry guys, but I have to go with Beavis. Beavis has two (2) distinct advantages over Butt-head.

1) The Rage(TM). This has already been mentioned, you can never have enough Rage(TM). Beavis has been slapped around by Butt-head for years now, and the time has come for him to open up a huge can of whomp-ass, and apply it with the spray-applicator(TM) all over Butt-head.

2) The Loser Factor(TM). Beavis is a born loser. Did you ever notice how, when a man goes berserk and wipes out thirty of his neighbors, everyone who knows him always says, "he was such a quiet man."

3) Fire(TM). Beavis is in love with his lighter (Fire, yeah, YEAH!). The guys in my dorm have come up with a few interesting tricks invoving lighters. One of them involves using the cans of hair spray that Beavis and Butt-head have (to get their hair that tall, they must have tons of that stuff), and using the lighter to ignite the aerosol spray. The result: Beavis has a home-made flamethrower.

Thus we see that Beavis, with his homemade flamethrower will char-broil Butt-head, then he will go ape-shit, and waste thirty neighbors with an UZI(TM).

- John "I'm using my Dad's computer" Jordan

I believe that the deciding factor isn't going to be the Rage (TM), or motivation (both babes are equally motivating for their respective admirers). What it will come down to is training, discipline, and experience.

May I call your attention to who it was who authored the self-defense section in the B&B Ensucklopedia, that's right Beavis..... (also may I add that in a dream sequence Beavis was a student of a Shao-Lin monk. It is my theory that this was actually a flashback)

Let's play out the scene to it's inevitable conclusion, shall we?

Butt-head: Damnit Beavis, prepare your ass to be kicked.
Beavis: No way fartknocker!
Butt-head: What'd you call me?
Beavis: I called you Fartknocker, fartknock-- (Beavis is unable to finish the sentence as Butt-head launches into his multi-slap, ending it in a spectacular swat to the back of the head sending Beavis to the floor, apperantly unconscious) *Whack-whack-whack Whack...THUD*
Butt-head: (standing over the fallen Beavis) You wuss I barely touched you.
WHAM!!!! (Beavis's deception has worked, and the "Playing Dead" manuever has put Beavis in a position to use the center piece of his self-defense style- "the Nad Kick")
Beavis: *Click* Ahhhh! Vixen.
Right about now Beavis will hear the Chinese Dude in his head, and well the rest of this scene isn't appropriate for a famil-Website.

- Doug "Boomstick" Weisgerber

I think Beavis would win because every time Butt-head makes Beavis mad, Beavis retaliates like Mike Tyson with a reluctant date. Besides Butt-head's attention deficit disorder makes Rainman look like Albert Einstein, making Beavis an easy winner.

- Sam Donnell

I think it's pretty obvious that Beavis is going to win this little match. The deciding factor is the Vixen video, a phenomenon that is mysteriously limited to the Beavis and Butt-head universe. We both know that the three most important things to B&B are (1)Chicks (2)Rock and (3)farts/bodily fluids/boogers/blood/butts/etc...

Anyways, while both Beavis and Butt-head wish to view Hot Chicks on this occasion, only Beavis has the power of the almighty Lita Ford and her Dangerous Curves (tm) on his side. I'm sorry, but when the prize is both curves AND Glam Metal, there ain't a force on this planet that will stop our friend Beavis. Roll over, Butt-head... Pamela may be married to Tommy Lee (a member of one of the world's Biggest Hair Bands), but Lita Ford did a duet with OZZY! And NOTHING will stop Beavis from experiencing something connected to Ozzy! Cornholio himself couldn't contain Beavis, who will rend Butt-head limb from limb with his right hand, while his left simultaneously snatches the remote and gives the Metal Sign as he headbangs away into Metal Heaven. Hang loose, baby.

- Mr. Scary

Beavis and Butt-Head will have a well heated fight for the remote. Beavis will begin with his Cornholio impression, while Butt-Head will counterattack with a lighter. This fight continues for about 2 hours. Then, the remote will break, which will, in B and B terms, suck. The TV is now stuck on the WB and, with the boys being lazy, refuse to get up and change it. At least they can act nutty when Road Rovers comes on (Beavis: The husky just cursed, thats cool!!! Hee Hee.) In the end, the match is a draw.

- Joe Klemm

I think that others will want to get involved in this match. First of all, Joel Robinson, former occupant of the Satellite of Love, will want to kill both for stealing his "making mocking comments while viewing movies" shtick. Then, the entire population of the city of Springfield will want to kill them for giving a bad name to satirical cartoons.

If "Fat Tony", Former Green Beret Seymour Skinner, or Sideshow Bob don't kill them, McBain will.

(Why couldn't this match have an option where both lose, ala "Barney vs. Wesley Crusher"?)

- Geoduck

Aw, c'mon guys, if any fight can be decided by RAGE (tm) alone, this can. Sure, Butt-head may have his wits around him, but that doesn't mean a hell of a lot, and may be a disadvantage. We're talking about the guy who thinks that oil for a french fry machine comes from Minit-Lube, and pours hot cheese over his head to dress himself as "Nachos". I think I'd go with the one without any wits at all in this fight. And, well, the RAGE (tm) is just an added plus. Moreover, Beavis has the power to take on Butt-head, but we've only seen glimpses of his possibly only moment of glory. Once Butt-head needed cops to pry Beavis's choking hands off his neck. There are no Cops today. Hell, there isn't even Stewart(patent pending) to redirect Beavis' wrath. And no one, but no one, takes out the family jewels like Beavis. He's shooting about 100% for that shot. You see how fast he is? Butt-head can never react in time, and won't this time, either. Beavis with the remote, Vixen on the tube, and Butt-head in the hospital with cosmetic replacement testes. At best, I'll give Beavis, 3:1, over the other assmunch.

- Chris

I've got to say, you've picked a good one. In a battle of wits, both of the boys are seriously underpowered. Look at these two scrawny guys. They're built like twigs. I think a 3rd party is required. Perhaps Anderson or Diarrhea. Yeah, that'll be cool. We know that Diarrhea has a liking for Beavis (Butt-Head always says something to offend her). She'll kick Butt-heads ass with her female empowerment. Nuff said.

- sartoman

It's pretty much a matter of priorities. Butt-head thinks of nothing more than sexual double-entendres, and he chastises Beavis for doing anything else. Beavis, though, has a far richer personality, filled with visions of destruction and mayhem. Come to think of it, I'm not sure Beavis would even try to think of scoring if Butt-head weren't around to slap him if he doesn't.

To put it another way, Butt-head's a lover, not a fighter. The only reason Butt-head manages to hurt Beavis as much as he does is because, deep down, Beavis thinks that by being Butt-head's friend, he will get to score someday. If push comes to shove, Beavis's mind is far more full of cool ways to incapacitate Butt-head and dispose of the body. Oh, Butt-head will irritate Beavis by construing his method of murder as homoerotic, but that will only strengthen Beavis's resolve, and ultimately lead him to massacre many of Highland's citizens when Butt-head's death doesn't appease his bloodlust.

Butt-head dies in thirty minutes. Beavis dies after a three day manhunt.

- Jim Smith

There is no way that Butt-Head can win. Yeah, so maybe he'll get in some good shots, but you forget the power of: THE NAD KICK (tm). THE NAD KICK (tm) has been sucessfully used by Beavis in many an episode of the show, and also in the En-Suck-lapedia. Also, you forget that Beavis loves FIRE...FIRE FIRE FIRE!!! Here we go...scenario: Beavis flees Butt-Head's wrath and heads outside. Anderson, his neighbor, is repairing the Mobile Home (see Beavis and Butt-head Do America for Mobile Home info) with a blow torch. That's fire...FIRE FIRE FIRE!!! And Beavis likes..no, he LOVES fire...FIRE FIRE FIRE!!! Beavis grabs the blow torch out of Anderson's hands (WHAT THE HELL?!?) and the last thing Butt-Head sees is fire..FIRE FIRE FIRE!!! And the last thing Butt-Head hears is "ARE YOU THREATINING ME??? YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF MY BUNGHOLE!!! That would be cool!!! he he eh he he eh..." Case closed...Vixen shall be heard...oh yes...Vixen shall be heard....

- jonboy

I think beavis would win the fight because butt head always smacks people...thats all he does...but beavis on the other hand gets crazy and turns into cornholio and i dunno if you saw it but one time beavis turned into cornholio and beat the shit out of todd...in an episode called The Revenge of the Great Cornholio...and Butt-head is stupid...beavis is smart...and plus beavis is funnier so he could make Butt-head laugh and while Butt-head is laughing beavis could turn into cornholio and kick Butt-heads ass...and dat's what i think

- Nosebleed4

While it can be argued that Butt-head is the smarter and more adjusted of the two, Beavis seems to be(with or without additives), truly psychotic. Lest we forget, time and again is it Butt-head who urges Beavis to settle down. In this case, it is unlikely that Beavis would comply. In the movie, Beavis had dangerous fits of rage without being cornholio. Butt-head got beat up by Chelsea Clinton. Beavis' infatutation with fire and violence make him more deadly than Butt-head who seems content with things that do not suck. But alas for poor Butt-head, losing this battle WILL suck. Will suck indeed.

- USPIZARD

Despite Butt-head's size and reach advantage, Beavis pulls out a hard-fought victory. Why, beacause Beavis doesn't know when to quit; he is relentless when he gets something into his head. Butt-head, on the other hand, is quick to give up and say "This sucks!" when things don't go his way. Beavis must constantly be told to stop his incessant rambling. Butt-head might take round one, but the first time he takes a punch, he'll want to quit because he's never really taken a good shot. Unfortunatly for Butt-head, his days of doling out orders to Beavis are over. Beavis' ability to take a punch and heart of a champion will prevail over Butt-head's size. Sly Stallone beat Dolf Lundgren, and Beavis will beat Butt-head.

Final Decision: The winner, by knockout 1 minute 10 seconds into the second round, and NEW super fly-weight hand drawn adolescent animated champion of North American junior high schools: BEEEEEEEEEVIS!

- the Gerg

There's no question about this. Beavis is immortal.

Besides cheating death, Beavis has the Power of the Great Cornholio surging through his veins, to be released only occasionally (too often and the world would be torn asunder!), when he gets loaded on sugar. He has the fury of a thousand chants of "buttknocker" screaming in his twisted mind (not to mention the Chinese guy in his noggin' that tells him to masturbate). He has the discipline of thousands of episodes of Kung-Fu burned into his unconscious brain. Plus, he has poofy hair to protect his head (and a long schlong for nad protection). As for the rest of his body, he's been hit so many times he won't feel anymore.

What does Butt-Head have? Well, ummm... braces. A long term memory (so he can remember the monumental agony he will soon suffer). Slightly higher chances of scoring? A lot of good that will do him in a fight. And this twerp dares to insult the mighty name of Beavis?!?!?

The time has come. Beavis will tolerate Butt-Head no longer. The Mother of all wars has begun! The streets shall flow with the blood of the nonbelievers! And may heaven help Butt-Head, for no one else on this pitiful mudball will...

- Mike Smith

Beavis would win. This dork absorbs punishment like no other cartoon human being. He had his freakin finger chopped off with a chainsaw and laughed about it in the grasshopper episode. Beavis wins when Butt-head drowns in Beavis's blood after an extended butt-whoopin'..."Breakin the law, breakin the law"

- Clark W. Griswald

Beavis vs. Butt-Head has been a match waiting to happen for years. Beavis can finally break out of the peon role. To decide the outcome, one has to look no further than the characters themselves. Does anyone remember the serial killer episode? In it, Beavis talked about the voices. "They tell me to do stuff, stuff like..." If you've seen the episode, you know the rant. Anyway, this rant shows the insight into Beavis's darker, more violent side. This same darker side was much more prevalent in the first couple of seasons (when they let him use fire, I don't know if these rages have been quieted, but I don't think they have). I believe that if Beavis were to let go, he would pull a Taz-whirlwind of destruction, and destroy Butt-head before he has a chance to try to slap Beavis out of it. Physically, Butt-head has the advantage (as he has demonstrated), but Beavis is clearly a beserker of Lobo (back in the Giffen/Bisley days) caliber. No force on earth could stand up to Beavis Unleashed.

- Ian Leshin

Having seen "Beavis & Butt-Head Do America," I can safely say that Beavis is the clear choice. This movie not only illustrates the fact that Beavis clearly has more guts and fighting instinct than Butt-Head, it also shows that Butt-Head has a secret fear of Beavis's powers. Does Butt-Head stand up against a S.W.A.T. team? No, but Beavis does, in the film's adrenaline-filled climax. But Butt-Head DOES get thrown out of a White House window by Chelsea, and that speaks for itself. As for Butt-Head's deep, dark fear of Beavis's raw power, it is revealed in the film's opening scene, Butt-Head's dream sequence in which he and Beavis are massive, Godzilla-like creatures. Butt-Head contents himself merely to knocking the tops off of skyscrapers, swatting helicopters out of the air, and other such sissy activities. Meanwhile, Beavis is kicking tanks and breathing raw fire onto the hapless people on the ground, who are fleeing in panic. Butt-Head does not demonstrate this ability, ergo, he has a deep inferiority complex which will eventually be his downfall. Besides, Butt-Head does not exhibit the same degree of nerve that Beavis clearly demonstrates near the end of the film. Anderson catches Beavis practicing self-gratification (i.e. whacking his dong) in his camper, and all Beavis has to say is: "Hi, how are you doing?" Butt-Head would never attempt such a bold greeting in such a situation. Bottom line: No Cornholio. No guts. No nerve. An inferiority complex. Butt-Head is bound for defeat.

- Double-Ought

Who do YOU think would win this match? Below (huh-huh, sounds like "blow") you'll find the handy (huh-huh, "handy") form for voting. Also, give us some (heh-heh, "give us some") insight into why you decided the way you did by mailing us. The best comments, along with the outcome (huh-huh, "out-come") according to your votes, will be published in the next WWWF (huh-huh) Grudge Match

Exactly how these morons became cult figures amazes me.

- John Hunter

They both win. After the complete shock that their movie was a bust. Thye both realize that they are both gay. They change their names to Andr'e and Sasha and move to Ft. Lauderdale.

- Reality

Butt-head is not as physically dominating as you claim! Remember Beavis' powerful nad-kick. Plus, Beavis may not have any candy nearby, but I'm sure he always keeps a Cornholio Power Pellet (mentioned in one of the B&BH books, made of many sugar-filled ingredients) handy in his pocket. Plus, c'mon, face it. Beavis is so much cooler than Butt-head. The latter is a completely uninteresting buttmunch who is constantly horny. At least Beavis has A FEW other things on his mind than sex. Also, look at their shirts. Beavis? METALLICA! Butt-head? AC/DC, a vastly inferior band (with little inspiration for Rage).

- L. Wilkes

Picture if you will, Beavis and Butt-head sitting in front of the television. The channel changes from Beavis' favorite video. With a war cry like no other, Beavis kicks Butt-head in the Nads. You have just entered the Ass Kicking Zone.
"Don't ever do that again Bunghole."
Beavis gets the remote and changes it back, but by this time the video is over. Still supremely pissed at Butt-head, Beavis drops the remote and grabs Butt-head. Butt-head unleashing his secret weapon, lights his lighter, and Beavis is stupified by the tiny blaze from Butt-head's Zippo(tm).
"Ooooooh...Ooooooh...."
Having been frozen in his tracks by the lighter, Beavis stares at the flame while Butt-head begins to beat the living crap out of him.
"Get up you wuss."
Beavis gets up and delivers a flying tackle knocking them both out the front door. Butt-head and Beavis continue to kick, punch, and throw each other all the way around the block. Finally, Butt-head throws Beavis through the window of the Quicki Mart(tm) and he lands on a candy bar rack. In a daze Beavis takes a bite out of one of the candy bars. Quickly revived, he inhales the rest of the candy bars off the rack. Cornholio is reborn.
"I am Cornholio, would you like to see my bungholio, The Streets Will Flow With The Blood Of The Unbeleivers!"
Beavis' split personality, Cornholio, beats the crap out of Butt-head in short order and then abruptly leaves to wander the town babbling that which all must hear.
"I have a Portfolio in my Bungholio. I come from Lake Titicaka in Nicuragua. Our people we have no bungholes. Do you have TP for my bunghole? Whaaaaaaa..."
After the sugar in his system subsides, he meanders half awake to the house an sit on the Throne of Couch and claims the championship by seizing the remote and flipping through the channels. Leaving the still unconcious Butt-head at the Quicki Mart(tm) to foot the bill.
End of Story

- Super Secret Agent Man

The key to this match is strategy, and Butt-head is a strategical genius in comparison. For instance, the strategy they use to get a girl's attention:

Butt-head: Hey, Bay-bu, come to Butt-head
compared to:
Beavis: Hey, she's got big thingies
Butt-head will use these same tacticts to overwhelm Beavis, while Beavis will be screaming, "Fire, heh-heh, fire!"

- Daffy

What are you TALKING about the better of the duo is listed first? What HAVE you been smoking?

Bill and Ted
Pinky and the Brain
Larry, Moe, and Curly - OK, I know that's a trio, but Larry is the least loved Stooge, if one can say such a thing.
O.J. and the Bloody Glove(tm)
Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock
Bill and Hillary
Sonny and Cher

- Shai'tan

Actually, I don't care who wins the match, but I really must take issue with Brian's "the greater part of a duet is always listed first" argument.

Consider:

Ike... and Tina Turner
The Captain..... and Tenille
Marky Mark... and the Funky Bunch (lesser of two evils)
Proctor.... and Gamble
Crosby, Stills, Nash..... and Young
Jake.... and the Fatman
Sheilds... and Yarnell
BJ..... and the Bear

- Thinkmaster General

Lest we forget, Beavis and Butt-head are both creations of Mike Judge and he does the voice-overs for both of them. Therefore, when the two couch-ridden cartoons fight, in actual fact, Judge is fighting with himself. Therefore, after many well-placed lefts to his own head, Judge eventually keels over. He KO's himself!! Meanwhile Beavis and Butt-head come to a compromise and watch Barb Wire on Pay Per View (tm).

- vince "bring me some TP for my Bungolio"

This should be an open and shut case. Beavis will win the fight. "How do you know this, Phil?" you might ask. Because, unlike all your other fights (we're not worthy, we're not worthy) that have graced this devine arena of death, this fight has already occurred in an episode. Beavis finally got tired of being bossed around and kicked the living bejeebers out of Butt-head. I don't watch the show very often (3 times a year, maybe) but even I saw that pinnacle episode.

This is like posing the question...Who will win the superbowl? The AFC or the NFC? It's already been done and the answer is the same every time.

- Looking for a real fight

This one is going to Butt-Head all the way. If anyone saw the Christmas show of Beavis and Butt-head, we saw what happened to Beavis and it was no pretty site.

The Premise was "what would happen if Butt-Head would never have been born?" and sadly, Beavis wound up at the homeless shelter, working with Stuart, wearing a Winger(tm) T-shirt, making stew in a hairnet, looking forward to an evening of drinking no alcoholic Egg-Nog.

Once the fight starts and the first punches are thrown, Beavis will see how his life will suck without Butt-Head. Rather than doom himself to an existence with Stuart, he will throw himself at Butt-Head's mercy and then vow to protect Butt Head, thereby insuring Beavis's future as well.

- Dave *Vegetable Poetry!*

Greetings from the Great White North,

A tough match, but me and Kurt(we're the guys who did the Babylon 5 vs. DS9 match) decided that the only way to truely understand the situation was to enter the minds of Beavis and Butt-head and become them. After watching the Pretender(tm) this task was easy. I became Beavis while Kurt became Butt-head. We started by reading numerous male magzines meant to entertain us (huh huh - he said anus) that built up our sexual tension while we waited for BabeWatch to begin. We were hyped and we needed release. But BayWatch was not the answer. All it did was irritate the hell out of us. All those bouncing breasts and beautiful asses made want to desparatly go for a swim in the ocean and hope to get rescued by some blond bimbo. But all I had was Kurt(aka. Butt-Head) and it pissed me off. My pretender transformation snapped and I became The Champ(tm). "Well I lose it!... I hit him with a left, a right, an uppercut to the chin, etc...". Needless to say, Butt-head was toast.

- Darren

It's simple really. Beavis has not only taken crap from Butt-head for years (he WILL explode), but also has a great tolerance for pain. He takes repeated blows to the head on a consistent basis and never seems to really mind. Also, in one episode the two went to a murder scene where Beavis nearly killed Butt-head with his bare hands. This is proof enough. Beavis reigns supreme.

- Tom "The Greek" Reagan

Ok... simple as this, we've seen it many many times, even as recent as our lovely MTV(tm) B&B promos:

Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Beavis with the mighty foot(tm) kicks him in the nads (huh huh) turning Beavis into the purple headed freak(tm) he ends up as curled up in the fetal position(tm) we always see him ending up in.

Of course he'll come back with his "Beavis, when I get up I'm going your kick your ass" ...which we all know won't come to pass and will just start all over again leaving Beavis as the ruler of all things idiotic(tm) ...and the remote.

To better Illustrate:

/* beavis code */
#include 
#include "kick_nads.h"

main {
  while (Butthead_string == "Beavis I'm going to kick your ass")
    kick_nads(butthead);
  watch(TV);           /* included from loser.h */
  };

- pete

Beavis all the way guys. You see, Beavis has something (besides Cornholio) that Butt-Head doesn't... R-E-S-P-E-C-T! You heard me... RESPECT. Butt-Head is always gettin' picked on. Have you ever seen Mr. Buzzcut ask Beavis to do anyting (besides saving Butt-Head from drowning)? NO! Butt-Head is always the one to be picked on. Since we have no commercial break to interrupt, some staff member will be wondering what is goin' on. They immediately blame Butt-Head and bust in (while Beavis yells something like 'whoa' or 'BANZAI!'). You see, this loss of commercial will cause a riot, get Butt-Head in trouble, and will have hundreds (well... maybe not hundreds) of people kickin' Butt-Head's @$$! So... Butt-Head is out of it while Beavis does nothing but sit back and crank up da VIXEN!

- Please don't let THEM find me! PLEASE!!!!!

This one takes a little thought, but you have to go with Beavis. The first thing to understand is that this isn't a Battle of the Titans (Tm). I mean, let's face it, these guys are wusses. The next thing to recognise is how much punishment these guys can take, i.e. falling out of a moving car and walking away. This means that this battle will take forever, because neither party really has the tools to definitively beat up the other party. In a long drawn out battle Beavis has the advantage because sooner or later they'll battle into the kitchen where Beavis will find some sugar and turn into that dupah-whooping machine Cornholio (R) Beavis in 6 days, 17 hours.

- Hairy Scary Jeremy

I believe that Beavis is the clear winner here, for, like Brando, DeNiro, and other venerable males of his profession, he adds those all-important soul-deep nuances to his work. Consider the following moments in his big-screen debut: not only does he strike a balance between craft and spontaneity in his raging "This time I won't simmer down!" speech on the bus, but he also portrays a certain kind of pathos at the very beginning of the film when he finds the TV missing. Beavis can make us *feel*: Beavis delivers complexities of emotion, always tinged with a bit of weltschmerz, in a way that Butt-Head just does not.

- Chupacabrastein, San Francisco

There is no doubt Beavis has a great deal of seething rage. Let's face it, this guy is a breath away from going postal! As history has proven: Those who go postal (while eventually institutionalized) achieve certain short term goals.

- JaZ

I don't care who wins, actually. I just wanted to send in an entry that wasn't written entirely in "heh-heh's" and "asswipes."

- A friend

I think you missed the point on this one. Actually I think you missed two points. 1) Does anyone actually care who wins? They're both morons and the show might as well be called Blockhead & Blockhead (Or was that the name of the lawfirm handling the OJ case?). 2) Does it really matter who controls the remote? I'm firmly convinced that both of them are suffering from some rare genetic disease which gives them the attention span of a gnat. No matter who owns the remote at the end they'll be flipping channels within a minute anyway. So just like in the presidential elections where I had to vote for the least objectionable candidate I found myself forced to vote for Ross Perot a truly classic cartoon character.

- Pete

You want to know who wins this one? It is quite obvious. I do. I grab the freakin remote and turn them off.

- Brad

See, I figure Butt-head takes this one. Butt-head beats Beavis up all the time, and this incident will be no different. The only time Beavis was ever willing to really throw down with Butt-head was the time Butt-head said Metallica sucked. (Unfortunately they do now, but they were watching a video of "For Whom The Bell Tolls" at the time and that is galaxies away from sucking. I, as a fan of Old-Skool Metallica (TM), sided with Beavis.) Anywho, this little incident can't possibly be as important to Beavis as the Metallica Affair, so he won't have the Eye Of The Tiger. Butt-head will slap Beavis around for a while, make a few disparaging comments about Beavis' mother, and they will watch Baywatch. Besides, Baywatch has enough Bouncin' Thingies (TM) to make Beavis forget all about Vixen. It ain't like Beavis is gonna suffer from lack of hooters.

- Da Bear

I say Beavis would win. Why? He has Cornholio. Take note here that Cornholio is NOT only brought out by caffiene and/or sugar. In one episode he became the great bunghole w/o either, but only for a limited instance. He simply turned to BH and said, "Uh... Hey, Butt-Head... Check it out... (Cornholio stuff)" And BH simply replied, "Cool." Therefore, it is simple to observe that Beavis is, over time, storing energy to feed the power of the almighty bunghole. Why has he stored this? Because in reality his true form is that of Cornholio. (See in B&B do America, BH's dad said, "I scored twice! You didn't score!") He was telling the truth! Beavis is a gift from the friendly aliens over 5987735400000 light years away who have sent him as an ambassador of entertainment. He is really hyper-intelligent and could kill BH w/o straining a muscle. In fact, if he's REALLY pissed, all he has to do is think it and BH will be fried by a combination of telepathy and large laser cannons pointed at Earth to defend the great ambassador of Titticaca.

- Nexxus

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Bad Movie Critics
Springfield v. South Park
Itchy & Stimpy v. Ren & Scratchy