Along a creek somewhere in the back woods of Maryland, four men bicker as they drift along in a pair of canoes.

"We've got to set up camp for the night! The car's not far... we're just not going to be able to find it in the dark."

"That's what you said last night, Ed. Just admit we're lost!"

"We're not lost, Drew! And even if we were, it's your fault for kicking the map in the river."

"Look, I said I was sorry about the map, OK! It wasn't doing us any good anyway."

"Guys! Guys! We're in this together, now. We all agreed to this vacation, so--"

"--I agreed to a scouted out vacation!"

"OK, whatever. This arguing won't get camp set-up. Let's dock right there and get started."

The men land their canoes and being searching for a suitable camp site. As they look, they come across numerous figurines made of sticks and moss hanging from the trees.

"This is really weird. This is the kind of stuff we heard the locals talking about."

"What if those noises come back tonight, Lewis?"

Lewis reaches into his gear, and pulls out a bow. "We don't need to worry about stick dolls, boys... or any of those noises. Now let's set-up camp."

As night falls, the men cram into their undersized tent and fall asleep.

Several hours later, the sound of a screaming baby shatters the silence.

BRIAN: Four guys against one girl in a fight? Am I missing something here?

Let's compare the two sides, shall we? Sure, the Blair Witch is spooky, in a that-which-you-can't-see, Edgar-Allen-Poe kinda way. But can her spookiness in anyway compare to the sheer horror and terror that comes from a group of toothless, gun-toting, and overly amorous Mountain Men? Sure, the Blair Witch made a baby scream. Anybody can do that. But has she ever made a grown man squeal like a pig? Heck, even the chromosomally-challenged albino banjo player is scarier than the Blair Witch, and the Deliverance boys cut an album with him.

Secondly, let's compare the "victims". Burt and Co. are survivalists. They made it through a rugged, hostile environment and lived. In fact, "roughing it" out in the wild for a few days was the PLAN. They are tough and adaptable. The kids from Blair Witch, who I shall hence forth refer to as "The Idiots", are the exact opposite. Pampered students who went out in the woods to shoot a movie. "Roughing it" was never the plan. The Idiots were easy pickins: no sense of direction, no teamwork, no endurance. They knew more about Gilligan's Island than about survival, and 2 of them didn't even know the Skipper was called "The Skipper". Saying the Blair Witch has a shot with the Deliverance crew because she killed The Idiots is like saying The Aristocats have a shot at Hannibal Lector because they managed to outsmart Edgar the Butler.

Let's face it: "Deliverance" has become synonymous with forest-associated terror. This was solidified by the fact that they made reference to Deliverance in the Blair Witch Project -- talk about the ultimate l'homage. Meanwhile, the Blair Witch Project has become synonymous with... shaky cinematography. If Ned Beatty is prone to motion sickness, then it might be a contest. Of course, someone prone to motion sickness probably wouldn't plan a white water canoe trip. And he seemed to handle the motion of the Mountain Man better than most. I'm afraid Ms. Witchie ends up with an arrow through the gullet.

BRENDAN: If a person is measured by the quality of their enemies, then what does that say about the Deliverance boys? They go up against a couple members of the Why Cousin's Shouldn't Marry posterboy brigade, and despite having a 2-1 edge in numbers, still manage to get one of their team killed, another hospitalized, and a third sodomized. General Custer didn't take casualties at that rate.

Let's look at your so-called survivalists. Bobbie: easily browbeaten by comments about his weight problem; doesn't like being yelled at. Ed: can't even bring himself to shoot a deer; did manage to shoot himself in one memorable incident. Drew: would rather jam with scary albinos than bury corpses; actually served on a jury once. Lewis: Dale Gribble with a bow & arrow. All against a witch who is on her home ground, has 300 years experience, and is a master at psychological warfare. I'm sure she's shaking.

And that's not even getting into the Deliverance boys biggest problem: democracy. Now don't get me wrong, democracy is certainly the best of all possible governments and all that, but it is not exactly a system that thrives on making quick, decisive decisions. (Would you want to be thrust into a life and death situation with the U.S. Senate?) But while even the Peanuts gang eventually figured out that democratic methods don't really work in the backwoods and appointed Charlie Brown as "El Supremo", the Deliverance boys still insist upon stubbornly clinging to the democratic process. They'll be debating whether or not to call the question on whether or not to form a committee to study the feasibility of establishing a commission to determine whether or not they are lost, when the witch, who is not burdened by anything like Robert's Rules of Order, closes in.

BRIAN: Point of Order, Mr. Prosecutor, but I think it's time to change your legal briefs. They appear to be cutting off the circulation to your brain. The men from Deliverance were hardly ruled by democracy -- they did more killing than voting. If they were that heavily ruled by democracy, than the Mountain Man would have gotten a trial instead of an arrow through the torso. Anyway you look at it, they're still light years ahead of the competition that The Blair Witch has faced: The Idiots, a.k.a. a group of anarchists impressed by how soft marshmallows are. Witchie's in trouble.

Another factor we can't overlook here is sex appeal. Keep in mind that this is the 1970's Burt Reynolds. While he doesn't do much for me personally, he was the top box office draw for 5 years in a row for a reason. The chicks dig him. He scored Loni Anderson for Heaven's sake. And Jon Voight was able to mate with someone in such a way as to produce Angelina Jolie, so he's gotta be attractive. And he's so cool that George Constanza tried to buy his used Le Baron. And he's got that real purty mouth. Plus, having Ned Beatty around will just make them look all the better. Now, consider the Blair Witch: stuck in the woods for hundreds of years all alone, probably Puritan to start out with... talk about your repressed sexual desires. Lewis and Ed will have her eating out of their hands in no time.

Of course, all of this overlooks the fact that the Blair Witch is probably only as real as O.J. Simpson's chances at becoming President: non-existent. I believe it was Nietzsche that once wrote, "That which does not exist cannot kill you." Or maybe it was Dana Scully. Either/or.

BRENDAN: Interesting. Lengthy discourses about the sex appeal of Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight, asking me about my briefs... is there something you're trying to tell us Brian? Certainly, it's not why the Deliverance boys would win because I haven't heard anything from you yet on how that could happen.

The sex appeal thing is a non-starter as Witchie don't swing that way. (Or at least I have yet to meet a witch who wasn't sapphically enabled.)

And yeah, the Idiots aren't much. (Though, in their defense, given that Mr. Howell did often refer to the Skipper as the Captain, there is precedent within the show for calling him by that name.) Still, large numbers of equally idiotic teens do manage to survive rampaging maniacs every year, which makes Witchie's achievement of 100% casualties quite remarkable. (Did Jason or Freddy ever achieve total annihilation?) Given Witchie's remarkable success, I suspect she has spent the last three hundred years reading up on the various Evil Overlord's lists, and as such not only does she know how to terminate with extreme prejudice, but she will also avoid the mistakes so many of her sisters have made (i.e. the infamous leaving a bucket of water in the middle of your lair blunder.)

The Deliverance crew might as well have a seat and engage in a polite discussion about the difference between the concepts of democracy and due process of law, while praying for a house to fall out of the sky, because that is the only chance they have. The Witch is coming for them, and after borrowing a spell or two from galpal Circe, she'll have all the Deliverance boys squealing.

Thanks to Chris "Jedi" Knight for suggesting this match.

The Results

Deliverance (1686 - 58.1%)

hog ties

Blair Witch (1215 - 41.9%)

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RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

A few years ago, I was on a camping/canoeing trip to Canada. We were driving up through New York, when, unexpectedly, my burned CD of soundtracks got to none other than the Deliverance "Dueling Banjos" song. Immediately, all in the car screamed and shouted, "Jeez, man! You trying to curse the trip?!" True story.

Now, at no time whatsoever during this trip, was anyone afraid of a pile of rocks or a few sticks. What this story proves to me is that grown men are less afraid of death and dismemberment than they are of violent, unwanted rape. At least, most of them are. Even so, let's look at the pictures, shall we?

Okay, the two guys farthest to the left, I could see going real easy. Ronny Cox (Lord, I would kill my parents if they named me that) looks fairly scrawny, while Ned Beatty... let's face it, the most exercise this man sees is lurching for the front door to let the pizza guy in. Once these two are out of the way, the cliff- climbing, bow-shooting duo of Reynolds and Voight will be a force to be reckoned with.

As for the picture of the Blair Witch - oh, right, there are no pictures. Isn't that convenient? How many great monsters fail to reveal themselves, hmm? Even Norman Bates had the common courtesy to flail his way into the basement wearing his mother's clothes. Who the hell decides to make themselves known by a few sticks tied together and a pile of rocks?

But they're talismans of evil power! They're friggin' sticks and rocks, people. Give me ten minutes and I'll make an evil pile of laundry (and trust me, I'm a college student; my laundry is evil in its purest form).

The next morning Ed finds Dave's fingers in his guitar box, Bobby has disappeared, only to be found buried under a wall three years later, and Lewis is seen burying an arrow-riddled, wizened corpse in the wilderness.

- Tracer - Dale Gribble with a bow & arrow? Now that's scary!

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

My daddy grew up in Fisherville, Kentucky, and graduated high school with Ned Beatty (Louisville Eastern High School Class of 1955). In Daddy's senior yearbook, Ned (who was the center on the football team -- must be where he learned to bend over like that) observed that his life ambition was to be an Opera Singer.

Now, fact is always stranger than myth, and the Blair Witch is all myth. If the idea of a singing Ned hitting the high notes ain't scarier than the Blair Witch, this country boy don't know what is...

- Dr. Stones

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

I thought Blair Witch was supposed to be scary because there was this possibility that the Witch might fail to kick the asses of the student filmmakers...

- Dave C.

Rednecks VS A witch? Can anyone say "Salem Witch Hunt"?

The Deliverance Boys outnumber her 4-to-1, and with it being a WITCH, a female, they'll leave her walking a little for a few days, muttering incoherent talk about Adolf Hitler and Satan having a love Triangle with Jessica Simpson.

Or, if that is too gross, then how about this, they bow and arrow the bitch so bad she looks like a motherf*cking pincushion!

And besides, toothless, gun-toting mountain men still believing them gawddamn red shirts are comeing are fucking scarier than some bitch who makes wooden stick figures! Ohhhh, stick figures! Hold me! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

- The Hooligan Of Doom, Now selling Blair Witch organs via E-Bay

So, what happened the last time the boys from Deliverance went toe to toe with a bunch of backwoods yokels? Other than anal rape I mean? That’s right, they killed the fuck out of them, and those guys had the benefit of being genuinely menacing. Somehow I don’t think a bunch of drunken teenagers shouting into cardboard wrapping paper tubes in the dead of night will give them much pause.

Finally, Ned Beatty will know the satisfaction of making someone else squeal like a pig.

- Don "King" Milliken

You'll notice that Deliverance can be rearranged to make "E liver dance," which sounds like "river dance." And you'll also notice that Blair Witch can be rearranged to make "tai rich blw," which sounds like "die rich 3LW."

So it comes down to this, what do I like more, watching river dance or the idea of killing 3LW? really what kind of question is that?

- foxy the stone cold fox and fur bearing basselope at large

- Gids

- ex agent

- King Forrest III

Well, being a goth that has been goth since before Columbine, since before the Blair Witch Project 1 and 2, and have Survived 3 GWAR concerts; I think I have some more expertise than your typical Soul-dead conformist member of the american consumer culture (© 2002 George Carlin).

The only people I know that actually found the Blair Witch Project scary are the guys and girls that shop at the Gap and Ambercrombie and Fitch, and therefore, the sacriest thing they've ever seen is Marylin Manson (who's univerally known amongst all real goths as "The biggest pussy to have even been birthed on the face of this planet"™), and the move Spice World--and although Spice World is very scary in it's own right, it's not the Fright Factor™, it's in the fact that someone let that movie be made. Thus, you have a bunch of Ultra-pussed out yuppies scared over jarring scenes of the ground rushing by. Honestly, Army of Darkness is more frightening that Blair Witch Project; we don't need to go into how much ass Army of Darkness kicks, do we?

Thus, taking in stride, I had one of my yuppie friends at a GWAR show (the same guy that was scared by the Blair Witch Project) and ya know what? He had to leave 'cause he though he'd die. And yes, people die at a GWAR concert, it's as natural as rain on a Sunday morning...(©1997 Oderus Urungus)

Therefore, something that has the same anti-scary factor as The Blair Witch Project has to be the Yin counterpart of THE RAGE™, and that is, THE FEAR (pat. pen). Thus, since the Blair Witch Project is the Antithesis of THE RAGE™, it looses by default.

And remember kids, friends don't let friends shop at the GAP.

- Keeper of the Light, ©2002

Why not ask the tougher question: Which had the happier ending? The movie where they get away with killing rapist rednecks at will or the one where three untalented, irritating film students meet grisly deaths?

- Die, Die My Durning!

- Vermin Boy

- Dawn K

- Brad

Killer Dog (old evil) vs. Disgruntled Postal Worker (modern evil)
Victor: Modern evil

Possessed Girl (old evil) vs. Psychokinetic Girl (modern icon)
Victor: Modern icon

Resurrected Corpses (old evil) vs. Macauley Culkin (modern evil)
Victor: Old evil

Headless Horseman (old evil) vs. Terminator (modern evil/good)
Victor: Modern evil/good/whatever he is at the time

Clearly, the old evil gets its collective butts kicked every time, unless it has a chance to kill Macauley Culkin. Since Culkin isn't around, it will be child's play for Burt and Co. (modern heroes) to 86 the witch (old evil). Besides, that stick-doll looks too much like Michael Jackson for my tastes.

P.S. Thanks again for letting me move into the Bunyip's old room. But could you not have cleaned up those koala heads? The stink just won't leave the carpet.

- Oxymoron ("She Turned Me Into a Newt!")

- Kilgore Trout

The Blair Witch Project: "I'm so scared right now...", and
Deliverance: "SQUEAL LIKE A PIG!!" (Quick interjection: Ick.)

To conclude: We remember the Blair Witch for being really mind shatteringly frightning and creeping people out big-time, and we remember the Deliverance crew because one of them had trouble killing a evil, nasty, smelly hillbilly who was taking his pal to Browntown. I know who I'd place money on.

(Yes, I haven't seen either of them. The IMDb sure is handy, yah?)

- Mixmaster Flibble

Having never seen Deliverance, I read the commentary for an idea on what the heck it was. And, taking a quote from Brendan, "Lewis: Dale Gribble with a bow & arrow."

Dale Gribble with a bow & arrow is much scarier to me than the Blair "Hey kids, look at this wall!" Witch.

Deliverance wins.

- Devin the Terrified Mental Hospital Escapee

One look at Burt Reynolds covered in Vaseline would send even the strongest witch running.

- Boden-san

- The Blarry Witch

Armament:
Deliverance: Guns
Blair Witch: Moss

Fan Appeal:
Deliverance: Classic
Blair Witch: Universally derided

Sex Appeal:
Deliverance: Unlikely but possible
Blair Witch: Hard to be sexy without a body

Allies:
Deliverance: Freaky inbred albino boyfriend
Blair Witch: Ummm... Moss again

Conclusion: Deliverance, no contest

- Shadowkiller

What was the overriding factor in Deliverance: Fear, fear of being sodomized, killed, dying, etc. But the one thing that overcame all of these fears was Burt Reynolds. Keep in mind that Jon Voight, Ned Beatty and Ronny Cox's characters were all whiny wimps who were about to be annihilated by mountain men. It was Burt Reynolds (in his badass, 1972 prime) who scared the living bejesus out of them, and forced them to continue on with the trip, cover up a murder, lie to the police, bury dead bodies in a river, and make Jon Voight kill a mountain man BY SHOVING AN ARROW INTO HIS BODY WITH HIS BARE HANDS. In the end, the three weaklings will be more afraid of Burt Reynolds than some supernatural witch that sounds like a bunch of underpaid extras yelling and banging pots and pans around off screen.

- Bob Peters (aka "Captain Chaos")

Burt Reynolds and the rest of the boys!

(What, you thought I meant the witch? *shudder*)

- Kannyn - "I am not gay!"

- They Call Me Marsh

- Wubbie

So who wins? The scariest movie. SHICDISIJSIRT™, while being creepy, doesn't do much in the long term, and is ultimately unsatisfying. Like eating a rice cake. However, IACHRH™ is by far scarier. Who cares about Jason when Ed Gein really existed?

The endings of the movie are what really do it for me. Blair Witch had lots of jerky camera running through a house and suddenly getting cut off. Deliverance had the hand rising up to break the surface of the lake, symbolizing the fear the character will endure for the rest of his life. Now that's scary!

- Lavode

- rosebrier

FEAR THE REDNECK! Coming to a trailer park near you!

- Dark Brolitz

All of which leads me to believe that while they fight it out between themselves, Woodstock will make a boat with a leaf for a sail and cruise to victory once again.

I think, I think... I got it! I got it! Let's go! Let's Go!

- Chuckie Chuckie the Slender

I had to go with the witch on this one.

- Plain Vanilla Lisa

Thank you for voting

Currently, Deliverance Crew has 905 votes and Blair Witch has 666 votes.

- Michael "Scary Numbers" Segekihei

Teens, even stupid ones, always beat, or at least manage to look smarter than, middle-aged losers. (See any teen movie under the sun, especially Ferris Bueller's Day off.)

The Blair Witch, unlike most of her peers, is an exception to the horror-movie property of badguylosingness, and therefore beats stupid teens, with a 100% death rate.

Therefore, Blair Witch beats middle-aged losers.

- the lizard queen

- Mr. Silverback- The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms reach his underwear and gag.

- Tyler Durden

- The Amazing Rando~!

Ain't nobody gonna take down any redneck 'cept (maybe) English Soccer Hooligans, a pissed-off bull, and maybe my pappy's moonshine. It gonna take a lot more than some little witch and her voodoo to take down a bunch of God-fearin' buddies of mine!

Now if tha witch was a bull that loved English scoccer and had just been drinkin' some of my pappy's moonshine...

- Bob, Billy Bob

Our readers give their time, their attention, even their love to this site. Some of them have paid scalpers over a thousand dollars for a single ringside seat. They should at least get to see the contestants doing the fighting. Having a match where one side--to wit, the Blair Witch--is apparently nonexistent and certainly completely concealed, is like holding a World Series without an audience. (Which, come to think of it, is what Fox just did. And I'm just as ticked at how that turned out.)

We can be forgiving folk. We voted Wilson a victory, even though he kept his face hidden all the time, because at least he granted us unobstructed views of the rest of him kicking Ned Flanders' tush. But when we're crossed by the likes of Barney and Dilbert, who demand to have their likenesses taken off our website(a telling parallel, no?), our wrath is infinite and eternal, and they find out why we've got "Grudge" in our name.

The Blair Witch is treating us the same way, and she will suffer the same fate. The Deliverance Boys will roast her slowly over an open flame, kindled by four or five of those stick bundles she kept leaving around. Another satisfied customer of Ironic Punishments, Inc.

- Call me Shane

Lewis: Don't let the bow fool you. Warrior all the way.
Bobby: Elf (Elf needs food badly!).
Drew: Wizard (Wizard is about to die!).
Ed: Valkyrie (why not?).
Blair Witch: Obviously a Death.

Now, to see how well they would fare against each other, you need to rate their performance in their respective movies. The heroes managed to kill two hillbillies (roughly the equivalent of demons) in Deliverance, at the cost of two of their own people (for fighting purposes, at least). The Blair Witch managed to kill a group of students (read: grunts) without taking any damage. I'd say that the Blair Witch has the slight advantage here.

Again, Gauntlet provides the answers to life's most meaningful questions.

- Safety Swami Pippin

THE FINAL WORD...

Come on, after what Ned Beatty went through, you think a Blair Witch is going to unnerve him?

- Rich Baker

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Kevin McCallister v. The Living Dead
Cujo v. A Disgruntled Postal Worker
The Bandit v. CHiPs

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ETA: Monday, November 4th, 2002