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FOX television, Wednesday, 9:00 Eastern time, 8:00 Central time, 12:00 Hammer time MC: Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to Ground Hog Day; the reality show to the death. I'm your host, Hammer. The premise is simple. We take the contestants out to a remote location and then we drop stuff on them. If they make it back for next week's show, they get something else dropped on them. The contestant who makes it back when no other contestant does, wins $1,000,000. We're down to our final two contestants. Please welcome Mr. Wile E. Coyote. *APPLAUSE* MC: Mr. Coyote, ... MC: Our second finalist is Kenny McCormick. Now, Mr. McCormick, last week we
dropped a boulder on you which decapitated you. How did you ever make it back? MC: Well, audience, as you know, this is the point in the show where we blindfold the contestants and take them out to the remote location. But, first, we'll let the audience at home know what object will be dropped on our contestants. Announcer: The object is "Avalanche." Avalanche. MC: Well, off you go. So, Mark, will Kenny or the coyote contestant come back to win the cartoon cash?
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MARK: Well, clearly, Kenny is going to win. He has to deal with dying every week anyway. Plus, when he's not dead, he has to deal with that oddball town of South Park. Cartman alone is insufferable, but the other folks in the town aren't a whole lot better, save Chef. Good golly, this is the town where Satan vacations. It's a bad bad place. Yet, Kenny takes it all in stride, dies, and comes back no worse for the wear. Wile E. Coyote, on the other hand, normally only has to deal with a bird that runs away from him. Not overpowering competition, there. Certainly, he gets knocked around a lot, but that is mostly his own doing--his plans backfiring on him. Yes, the jet engine he attached to the glider will burn up the glider. Yes, he'll get caught in the glue he set out to trap Kenny. Yes, the rock he catapulted toward Kenny will end up landing on himself in the form of Cartman. But it is all by his own doing. If he can't overcome himself to score a victory, he has no chance of survival here. He's not used to being attacked and abused like Kenny is. I'll give Wile E. full marks for pulling interjection signs out of his butt and for sounding like an accordion when he gets crunched, but Kenny is the one tough enough to get slaughtered and come back for more. The outcome is so obviously that I won't even have to use the Chewbacca Defense (TM). HOTBRANCH: I can see that the Minnesotan winter has been extra harsh this year. Your opening arguments are the equivalent of licking a frozen lamp post. Don't worry, the bleeding will eventually stop after I pull you off. The first thing anyone learns in Cartoon College is to stay away from the DIP. Pulling signs from anal cavities is lesson two, but if you can remember lesson one, you are pretty much golden. Wile E is old skool cartoon, Kenny is from the Pepsi generation. The fact that he dies every week means that he doesn't have your average cartoon immune system. Hell, if it weren't for Worcestershire Sauce, the kid would have stayed dead after episode one. I really can't see how he'll find a Lea & Perrins booster shot in that avalanche. Wile E, on the other hand, properly understands how to maintain his immortality. That's why he chose to live in the desert: there's no chance he will run into Judge Doom. He has avoided the Grim Reaper's soft, and oh-so-touchable hand for 55 years. Kenny can't survive playing solo tetherball, how can he possibly emerge from a rolling wall of snow? Besides, Wile E has the power of ACME Corp. backing him up. If you thought the NRA was powerful, think again. ACME isn't about to let their most loyal customer lose a chance at a million bucks. Think of all the rocket skates™ and spring-powered shoes™ that he'll be able to buy with the prize money. When Maria de Medeiros asks "Whose orange parka is this?" eventually she will be told "Kenny's dead, baby. Kenny's dead." MARK: Ah wuhthint icking uh amppotht. *ahem* I wasn't licking a lamppost. I was making cupcakes and merely forgot to turn off the mixer before I licked the beaters. Anyway, Wile E is not old school as much as he is simply so pathetic that even Charlie Brown has someone to laugh at. Since when is falling off a cliff, having a boulder crush you, or being run down by a train "maintaining ... immortality?" It is tempting fate, my friend. Sooner or later (my prediction is within one month's time), that boulder/train/cliff is going to hit a vital organ. Then where will poor Wile E be? Dead. And not having death in his life experience (TM), as Kenny does, Wile E will be in the uncharted waters of doom. With one million dollars at stake, this is no time for resurrection trial and error. If Wile E Coyote wants to use ACME products, I'll personally deliver them! I've never seen a single ACME product work as desired for Wile E. The use of ACME products virtually assures Wile E of overshooting his target, undershooting his target, being crushed, being maimed, being tangled, or almost any combination of said predicaments. Yes, enter ACME, by any and all means possible. So make fun of Minnesota winters all you want. At least it will give you something to do while you wait the long wait for a deceased Wile E. Coyote to un-bury himself. Meanwhile, Kenny will be enjoying his $1,000,000. Ah, the fun you can have when you're not catapulting yourself over the horizon! HOTBRANCH: Bzzzzt! I'm sorry, in addition to being wrong, that last bit of commentary was as misguided as a Scud missle. If you had paid any attention to the scenario, you'd know that Kenny and Wile E are the two FINAL contestants. That means whoever survives this week gets the check and is declared the winner. Kenny might be adept at swimming upstream in the river Styx, but Suite Madame Blue! This is the last show being taped in the Paradise Theatre. You're Fooling Yourself, Mr. Roboto, if your Crystal Ball is suggesting that Kenny will return next week. In addition to being Snow Blind, Kenny will be snow dead. Come Sail Away to the funny farm, the men in white coats will explain The Grand Illusion. Regardless of his resurrective powers, the biggest problem Kenny faces is the prize money. Kenny is dirt poor and desperate for the money. If reality game shows have taught us anything, it's that the least deserving person always wins. Kenny needs the money, and a million bucks (ok, $497.63 after taxes) could go a long way to helping the McCormick clan. Naturally, the pressure will be too much, and Kenny will be down for the count. I'm glad that you mentioned the questionable reliability of ACME products, because their failure explains why Wile E. doesn't need the prize money and, by extension, will win. Wile E's 38.75 million dollar lawsuit against ACME Corp will allow him to install a desert-wide air conditioning system. Without the pressure of anyone counting on him to win, Wile E Coyote will emerge from the avalanche blue, shivering, and with a snotsickle hanging from his snout, but he will be very much alive.
Thanks to Jaime J. Weinman, Jessica Sue Liese and Josh for suggesting this match.
CLICK HERE to read that dummy Grudge Match.
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As previously stated, nothing short of dip will stop these two. It ends in *gasp* a draw. The contestants agree to share the moolah and get the happy ending they both deserve. Unfortunately, the million dollar prize is all in pennies and is unceremoniously dropped on the two of them, crushing them very flat indeed... but then they, nor the audience, would have it no other way. - Noel Schornhorst
Even if Wile E. Coyote doesn't win this contest, in the course of events he'll come to a powerful and important realization: no matter how many times this kid dies, in whatever horrible ways, he always comes back. Who needs a scrawny old Roadrunner anyway when you've got a walking, mumbling horn of plenty? - Don "King" Milliken
Why does Wile E. Coyote constantly fail at his attempts to catch the Road Runner? Since he is, in his own words, a Super Genius, and ACME products are the top of the line in offensive weaponry (check out how well Bugs Bunny uses them), surely it cannot be his fault. In fact, it is the nature of the Road Runner himself. The Road Runner is endowed with a chaos field which distorts probabilities and adversely affects everything and everybody within a certain radius. Notice how there are no other living creatures in that desert? They all perished or fled after running afoul of Road Runner's aura of misfortune. Wile E. is the only one left! It is a testament to his incredible physical, mental and psychological resilience that Wile E. has survived against the bird all these years. He can never defeat it, but he refuses to be conquered by it. Now, Kenny also has a chaos field, but rather than being outward, like Road Runner's, it's inward. All of the forces in the universe, natural or otherwise, conspire to eliminate Kenny. Sure, he eventually comes back, but eventually even his CAREER died a horrible death when he was replaced by Butters. Kenny's constant mutilations have not made him stronger, like Wile E. Coyote has. Instead, he's become so fragile that his body tears apart with little effort at all. Therefore, after the first wave of the avalanche hits, Wile E. will be knocked about a bit but not harmed. Kenny, on the other hand, will be lying on the ground in four pieces. And may I remind you that coyotes are carnivores? Wile E. gets the cash prize and a full stomach today. Naturally, the South Park gang will get riled up at losing for the third time in a row, but the revolution will be staved off nicely; Cartman will be unable to remove the dynamite Daffy Duck dropped down his pants, Stan will be on his knees vomiting after listening to Foghorn Leghorn, and Kyle will end up shot up by Marvin the Martian, just before Taz shreds the lot of them into pulp. Meanwhile, Chef is out cold from several blows to the head with a mallet after falling for Bugs Bunny's Pam Grier disguise. Don't mess with classic animation, kids. - Oxymoron - I hope Johnny Knoxville got squashed in the semi-finals
If there ever deserved to be a both mangled and killed button, THIS IS THE TIME!!! Personally I think Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen end up killing them both with the wood chipper. It's stormtroopers versus the red-shirted ensigns all over again. He-Who-Must-Lose (Wile.E.) versus He-Who-Must- Die (Kenny). But since neither of these options are open to me, I reluctantly must go with the Coyote. He's a personal friend of Bugs Bunny ya know... and his team actually WON in SpaceJam which means he can play a sport without losing. (The solo tetherball comment got me. Really.) - Kryptonite - Loyal Fan of HotBranch! I had you at tetherball? Cool! - HB! Ahhh, the tearing of my brain is exquisite. Here's the thing, cartoon fans. Wile E. Coyote has something going for him here, which the commentators have mistakenly put down as a fault. He's never died! He's overshot his target, undershot said target, been blown into scortch marks, fallen off cliffs, been in ski accidents, dynamite accidents, train accidents... ok I'll stop. My point is, this guy is freakin unkillable! An avalanche would be a lover's caress (althor00@hotmail.com for any ladies who liked that bit of imagery) compared to the hell he goes through every time he appears on screen. Here's where the trouble comes in. Not only does Kenny have experience coming back from the dead, he's actually survived Hell (sorta). If you can go through Hell, an avalanche oughta be cake, right? I mean, c'mon, fire and brimstone compared to a lot of snow? Even deadly snow? NOT SO!! Why? Because last time Kenny died, HE DIDN'T COME BACK!! Thus, Kenny can be effectively and permanently rendered dead, unlike Mr. Coyote (genius my left nostril), who has never died to begin with. Outcome: On the snowy peak of Mt. Whereverthehellyouwant, the avalanche crushes Wile E. Coyote into the snow, rendering him flatter than Trish Stratus's abs. Kenny is dragged by the moving snow and rock into a tree, where he is cranially impaled on a conveniently placed branch. The Coyote pops his head out of the snow to shake himself out, gets hit by one final piece of snow/rock, the scene fades out, and fades back in with Wile E. Coyote swimming in a pool of money. Unfortunately, when he gets out, the Road Runner sneaks up behind him, "Meep"'s (tm), and scares the Coyote thousands of feet in the air, causing him to land accordian style on the side of the pool. The chase begins again. - A New Cynic The sheer WWWF Precedent(TM) factor alone is enough to gain Wily his victory. Just look:
South Park has entered two Matches:
Also, we had:
Now, on Wily's Looney Tunes end:
Next, we have With this on his side, how can Wily E. Coyote lose? I see the match will go as so: Kenny is knocked out by a boulder in Round 1, and is out for a short while, but is his by another just as he comes back to life. Wily is squashed into a variety of great shapes (like his famous accordion), and keeps on going, ready for his strike. In the end, Wily wins a cool million dollars worth of ACME products which immediately explode in his face. - GreenNinja In the South Park movie, "South Park:Bigger,Longer and Uncut", Kenny died a tragic death to show the rest of The Gang how stupid Terrance and Phillip were. He travelled throught the deepest bootom of Hell,survived toture by Satan himself, and yet he came back to reason with Lucifer and make him get rid of the evil Saddam Hussein(the REAL one,not the decoy Bush captured). THEN,he rebuilt a battleground and stopped a war between USA and Canada with one simple wish. In the Looney Tunes movie, "Looney Tunes:Back In Action", The Coyote failed to kill Brendan Fraser and Jenna Elfman even thought they were unarmed, in the middle of the desert, and The Coyote possesed a bigass nuclear bomb. Then he suffered the same fate of Mustafa by the Dr. Evil rip-off of the movie. I think we are working on different levels here. Kenny wins. - Tyler Durden Week 1: Avalanche... The snow smashes into the unlucky duo, and people wait to see who emerges... Kenny pulls himself from deep within the ice and snow, shivvering, half-frozen, but alive. Wil E Coyote also appears from the snow, shivering, chattering, and a humourous icecicle hanging from his nose, also alive. MC: Well, let's go to next week... Week 2: Falling Monkeys. The blizzard of apeage falls upon the pair, leaving them buried beneath the monkeys. Kenny comes out swinging with a bat, imitating Cartman, as Wil E jumps free and hits the ground. DEATH ROUND! Mary-Kate and Ashley movie marathon! The horrible crappage bombards their every sense, and now it's down to endurance. Kenny, having died week after week for years, along with sitting in a skank's vagina, has the advantage, but passes out, but STILL ALIVE! Wil E, meanwhile, has decided to end it all and pulls out his ACME shotgun, aims at Kenny, and fires... The ACME product, faulty as ever, blows up, and eviserates Wil E, leaving him blood and guts across the ground. Kenny regains conciousness, takes his prize, and is nearly decapitated by a chainsaw wielding maniac, but this season he CAN NOT DIE! HE CAN NEVER DIE! This would have been fair before the Kenny-less season. - The Hooligan Of Doom - No, I wasn't dead, just suffering MK and A Olsen Overload.... DOES NOT COMPUTE! The judges have been wondering about this Kenny kid since the beginning. By now they're beginning to get downright suspicious. "All the other contestants have made some kind of sense," says Judge Reinhold. "I mean, everyone so far has been more or less invulnerable, right?" "Except for that Dr Romano guy in the first episode," replies Mike Judge. "One measly helicopter, and splat, he's gone." "True, but aside from that there was that ugly green woman who turned out to be a witch - remember it took a whole Kansas farmhouse to get rid of her?" "Yeah, then there was that Achilles guy. Even after we found out his weakness, it took us four episodes to successfully drop a safe on his heel." "And the guy in the cape needed to be crushed under a boulder-sized chunk of that weird alien mineral..." "And that mangy skeleton-pirate was a real nuisance until we got word of that chest of Aztec gold." "Then there's this coyote here, who's obviously equally invincible, possibly moreso. He'll flatten out and he'll accordionise, but he won't DIE." "But Kenny...isn't invulnerable. He dies. He gets crushed and bleeds all over the place and has to be hauled away in a body bag." "Exactly, so HOW COME HE'S BACK EVERY DAMN EPISODE? It doesn't make any sense!" "Ahem," says Halfway Intelligent Third Judge, "Has it occured to either of you that all we ever see of this Kenny kid is his eyes?" The others stare at him uncomprehendingly. "Yeah..." "And his voice is always muffled and indistinct?" "Yeah..." "Well, isn't there just the teensiest bit possible that this is just an endless series of different kids in identical red suits?" The others gasp...and Kenny is disqualified. Wile E Coyote wins by default. - Derelictman I'd just like to point out that the image used for this match is the same image used for the Results button at the bottom of the page. So every time you want to find out who last month's Grudge Match winner was, you have to pass through the Coyote. So by extension, that means that Wile E. is connected to every single Grudge Match winner ever! If connectivity to past winners counts for anything in the Grudgeverse (and I know it does), Wile E. Coyote deserves to win more than the Simpsons or even (gasp) Mr. T! And by extension, Kenny will make Star Trek and the French look good. - Randall Wald Obviously, you've underestimated my laziness as the purveyor of graphics. - HB! You fools. You've done it. Not content with such BRAZEN attempts to destroy the space-time continuum as pitting the FRENCH against STAR TREK, the RED SOX against the CUBS, and SCRAPPY against JAR-JAR with NO "BOTH MANGLED AND KILLED" BUTTON, you now force two "born losers" from two universes to compete, and expect hilarity?!? I'll tell you what'll happen. Such a distortion in the fabric of cartoon reality will suck other, similar characters into its gravitational field of bad luck. Daffy Duck, Donald Duck, Tom, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, the Red Sox, the Cubs, the French, the entire cast of Star Trek, Charlie Brown, Jon from Garfield, Kryten from Red Dwarf and Arthur Dent are all drawn to the other two contestants, as the cosmic balance of good and bad luck is thrown out of whack. With so much terrible fortune in one spot, the stress on the universe becomes too great, and the only way to compensate for the sudden and irrevocable rocking of the boat of reality is impeccably obvious to all, as they silently await their fate... Earth is quietly obliterated by a huge anvil. I hope you're happy. - The Mad Josher This will be a close one, but I have to go with Kenny for the win. Why? Good sense. Wile E. has very little, but Kenny has none. After a little time in South Park, I'd be begging for the release of death. Kenny, though, just keeps coming back. Once you've run over him with a truck, dropped a twenty ton boulder on him and blown him up two or three times, Wile E will, eventually, give up. Since this contest is all about who can take more punishment, Kenny's lack of any sense of self-preservation will actually be an advantage. After a few thousand tons of snow, various boulders, a couple of uprooted trees and a severe mauling from a grizzly bear whose hibernation was disturbed, Wile E. will pull the "I quit" sign out of his butt and go home. Despite being not only mauled, but actually eaten by the grizzly bear, Kenny will still turn up in the studio, mumbling incomprehensible obscenities as he accepts his prize. - Wizard I think mark is underestimating ACME products. Sure, they never seem to work for Wile E, but that is because of these two words. Repeat Service. Think of it like this.
Q : Why does Wile E buy ACME products? Yes, ACME have been sabotaging his orders to keep him buying from them (because lets face it, he is one of there biggest customers). Because he will continue to buy ACME products after he wins this (and he may even get higher qualaty stuff with his winnings. Lets face it, he can't afford the best on a preditors salary!) ACME will see no need to sabotage his order, giving Wile E the upper hand. Im sure ACME have some avalanche-proof shelter that they can get to him express delivered. In the meantime, what does Kenny have? lets face it. He dies for a living (if that's even physicly possible) and often from quite trivial things, yet he keeps coming back. what does this mean, HE FAKES HIS OWN DEATH! Either that or he has an army of clones. Or both. Still, if the real Kenny is put in front of an avalanche, he is dead. If he puts one of his clones there, he will get found out and disqualified for cheating. Either way, Wile E wins. - Danny You should drop an avalanche of woodchippers on them. - TB Tabby Kenny has to win. At some point W.E.C. will put on an ACME Bat Suit tm, ACME Super Roller Roller Scates tm and an ACME Super Hero Cape tm. He will then mount an ACME Titan RoadRunner Seeking Missile tm to an ACME SuperGlide Hangglider tm. He'll write, in pencil, "Kenny" under "roadrunner" on the control dial, and set the dial. Then perching like a vulture on a mesa he'll wait until Kenny strolls into view. He will use his ACME Tru-View Range Finder tm to lock onto his target, light the ACME Fuse tm with an ACME Wooden Match tm, and blast off ... right into the invisible mesa between him and Kenny. In the distance, kenny is joined by the RoadRunner, who has a can of ACME Inviso-Paint tm and ACME Brush tm in his beak. Kenny looks at him and says "mmp mhn nnee, oo mmhmm!", wich of course means, "you killed Willey, you bastard!" - 014, tired of typing tm The loser in this scenario is revealed very early on, with the following statement: "Please, call me Genius." At this moment we know that this is NOT Wile E Coyote, the hapless hunter of Road Runner. It is Wile E Coyote, Super Genius(tm), the impostor or close relative or just remarkably similar coyote (after all, coyotes generally look alike, and for them Coyote is probably like Smith) who tried on a few occasions to eat Bugs Bunny. You can tell these are not the same entity. For one thing, Super Genius can talk, whereas Wile E is a mute who must resort to little wooden signs for communication. For another, Super Genius is indeed very bright and can conceive of such dastardly schemes as converting Bugs' own rabbit hole to a pressure cooker - that he still loses to Bugs doesn't reflect badly on him as everybody loses to Bugs - while all Wile E is capable of is scouring the same mail order catalogue for yet another elaborate machine, even though by now he ought to have realised that Acme makes the Shoddiest Devices in the World(tm). Then there's the fact that Super Genius has senses of: humor, panache, fair play, style and even when he is beaten ("Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Mud"). Clearly Super Genius is a far superior predator than Wile E, but this is not a hunting contest. This is an endurance contest, and while Wile E came back again and again for forty-three shorts, Super Genius could only fight his way through four misadventures, even though he never suffered the same level of horror as Wile E - no getting crushed under giant boulders, no two story catapults landing on him, no stuff falling on him at all in fact. An avalanche will at the very least put him out of action for the following week, and Kenny will win by default. - Flag and Hat Boy How about a little Hai'ku?
Snow falls on the two - Dr. Stones This just in: The Dead Kenny™ is replaced each episode with one of his infinite number of identical brothers. If that strategy can beat Bugs Bunny™, and Bugs can beat Wile E. Coyote™, well, we just have to do the math: If Coyote < Bugs < identical siblings = Kennys = Olsen Twins < Wood Chipper... Uh, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. While he (Wile E.) watches a Kenny being awarded the money, he mutters "I get the feeling I've been duped", and all Kennys appear and all say in unison, "Gee, ya think?", except no one understands what they are saying, of course. Anyway, the collective weight of an infinite number of Kennys in a small area adds up to, well, infinite weight, and the whole studio plummets to the center of the Earth. The intense heat is too much for the coat-laden Kennys to bear, and they explode, now with no one to replace them. Wile. E., however, is immortal, and he touches the core and leaps up all the way to the surface, losing only his fur. The point is, Kennys win the game show, but Wile. E Coyote lives to run into a cliff another day. - Sam I Am, Spam I Am Not Let me lay some Laws of the Cartoon Universe (TM) on you: Law #1: It was stated that in every episode Kenny dies. What was left out is that for the rest of the episode Kenny STAYS DEAD. The fact that this race is the duration of one show Kenny will die in the Avalanche and not win. Law #2: It was stated that Wile E. Cyote never achieves his objectives (catching the Roadrunner), and today is no different. If the goal is to reach Hammer he will have to loose. He will get lost and not win as well. Law #3: In times of duress Hammer becomes his cartoon alter-ego HammerMan and uses his cartoon visage to promote both himself and Pepsi products with the power of the second-largest beverage producer in the world Hammer will forget Kenny and Wile E. and use the rest of the episode to do his accappella version of "Adams Family Groove". - MisterGuy Hmmm, let's see here... Fact: Kenny dies in every episode and comes back for more. Hypothesis: This resume screams "zombie", aka walking corpse. Fact: Coyotes are scavengers by nature, occasionally known for eating carrion. You do the math. Mr. Coyote's gotta be getting sick of poultry, anyway. *URP* - RoboGoober Version 2 Let's see -- Kenny once helped foil Satan and Saddam Hussein's plot to take over the world. And Wile E. Coyote can't even catch a stink'n Road Runner. Is this even fight even REMOTELY fair? Besides, Kenny already promised Eric Cartman all the money if he wins. And you just know that Eric has to have something to rub in Kyle's face for the next week or two. Mya nya nya nya nya nya! - Cartman When Coyote falls off a cliff, it's nothing new. You know it's going to happen every time. Kenny actually made death meaningful (on several occasions) and went quite a few episodes without dying at all. Kenny has also (as a zombie) managed to bring death to someone else. And while Coyote is always looking out for himself (more specifically his stomach) Kenny utilized his divine blessing in the South Park movie to save the entire world from destruction at the hands of Satan and Saddam Hussein. Even if he doesn't have signs that say "Uh Oh", Kenny has much more character to him that Coyote. Coyote is a just-plain all-out loser. Kenny is determined to overcome all the misfortune contained in life, and won't even let death get in the way. - Noman You ever see those episodes of the cartoon where Wile E. Coyote had to punch in every morning before starting the day trying to steel sheep from the sheepdog with the long red bangs? Only a guy used to that kind of day-in-day-out, punch-in-punch-out, every-day-like-the- last, blue-collar drudgery can truly deal with being stuck in Groundhog Day. Wile E. in a cakewalk. - DEFCON 1 In this fight, the only winner is the man who sells Acme Life Insurance. - Wendell First off, Kenny doesn't die anymore. After his death and resurrection, he is no longer cursed, but he can be killed. In addition, in the master P Music video "Kenny's Dead", Kenny goes to las vegas and makes a shit load of money. You see, that's the idea of it: Kenny is poor as hell and wants money. He will stop at nothing to get said money. And, for some odd reason, money comes to him like a freaking magnet. Coyote wants road runner dead, that's all. Kenny will win. In addition, I thought your extensive knowledge of Mary Kate and Ashley quite disturbing, and I am contacting the authorities - Potman the predator will get rich or die trying Wile E. Coyote will see the avalanche coming and will either use a tinny umberella to stop it or order up an ACME-anti avalanche kit. Either way he will be covered first followed very shortly by a stray rock hitting Kenny on the head killing him cold but he will win by default. - I'm Spartacus Coyote and Kenny, two of the most unfortunate cartoon characters ever. They have made a career out of being screwed over. Not unlike the Red Sox and Cubs. I have trouble believeing that either one them will survive. The question is, who will survive the longest. Coyote, unlike Kenny, suffers mortal injuries multuple times throughout a single looney tunes short, but never actually dies. Kenny dies about once every 30 minute chartoon (not counting commercials breaks) So, all things being about equal in terms of life threatning situations, we must go with other out side infulences, such as home field advantage. Which brings up an interesting question: Where is this happening? Is this a 'Desimation in the Desert' or a 'Rockey mountain Rumble' "Avalanche" a that refers to a large amount of rocks or snow falling, so this does not help. If its a desert contest I got to go with coyote If its a snowy mountain thing, I'll go with Kenney The fact that these two characters never seem to leave the area that has been anything but kind to them suggest they know something we don't. Could the desert hold the secret of rapid recovery for Wile E. Coyote? Does the freezing cold Colorado whether act as a type of fountain of youth for Kenny? Obviously important information was left out in the description of the contest. I smell a conspiracy. Until the location of this contest is released to the public, I refuse to vote. (Unfortunatly I already voted for Kenny. At the time I figured he would beat coyote and then die right afterwards, I mean seriously Kenny dies a lot, but does he really LOSE. No he dies winning. I remember on a number of situations where he died to save others, to win out. Kenny has actually won before. However this is all conjecture, until more is known about the fact surrounding this contest.) - CSS You want to know how Kenny returns each time? Well, first off, it ain't that stupid, "His parents have a baby each episode, call him Kenny, and thus the circle continues." crap South Park gave us. No, it is far more sinister. Recently, I was given acess to the secret documents under the vatican. I don't know why I was allowed, I think the Pope as been (makes the drinky drinky motion) on the church wine. Inside, I discovered something shocking. Seems the great painter Da Vinci's "Final Supper" is not a complete, but merely half. Had the rest of the painting been showed, you would see a small orange coat haging in the corner. Also, there is a missing Sherlock Holmes mystery called: "The Orange Jacket." in which a man survived death by earing a strange jacket. Do you know what I have found? I have found Da Kenny Code! (TM). Da Kenny Code is a series of clues, left by a mysterious group that had member including Da Vinci, Sir Arther Cowan, and others, who knew the truth: The Holy Grail is Kenny's coat Yes, you heard me. The source of Jesus' powers was a small orange coat. This coat was stolen by Satan right before Jesus was taken, and his disiples kept his secret, of the magic coat. Now, how did Kenny get the coat? Well, think about it: Satan knew from his big scary wheel that when the blood of two canadians would be spilled, Saddam would try and take over. He would need a boy to save him. But who? A poor white boy. Saddam, wanting to stay in control, hired many different evils to kill the boy. So Saddam gave Kenny the jacket. Long story short, Kenny wins, and I get a book deal for my stupid story. - Mr. Chaos (is Mr. Chaos gonna have to choke a bitch?) Since this is simply a knock off of the wonderful show "Catch it and you Keep it," we can only surprise that after the avalance where both contestants will come out ok. (Okay, one blue, frozen coyote and a dead Kenny, but he'll be back.) The next entry of items dropped will include, a 15 ton weight, a deluxe set of Ginsu knives, lifetime subscriptions to 50 different daily newspapers, and a pot of boiling tar followed by feathers. In all of this, both contestants will be fine but I will say that it will inevitably end like most of ol' Wil E. Coyote's wonderous exploits where he makes things work ("Ah yes, this wonderful catapult will surely kill that Kenny when I- *twang* BAM! -oh, the agony") So with that in mind, I'd think that the game show host's would allow more leverage to Wil E. as he's essentially doing double duty in trying to drop things on him and still walking away from it so based on the judges scale, he wins. Of course, Kenny's consolation prize of two pumpkins and an all you can eat pass to Earl's Chicken Emporium will go over well for him. - Skippy Need I remind you that, while Wile E. Cayote has been injured many times, he has never actually died for any amount of time. Kenny cannot make that claim. Even if Kenny does come back, his temporary dead state will give Wile the time needed to get ahead in the race. - Rainwoman An interesting matchup between a pair of heavyweight contenders in enduring Thor-sized barrels of Whoop-Ass. The Coolness factor is a tossup, with Wile E. Coyote's association with Bugs Bunny about equal to the Coolness of Kenny's South Park connections. However, I think that the win will go to the Coyote, not necessarily because he can take more punishment but because he can do so without dying. The Coyote hails from the Cartoon school of acting, where massive amounts of damage only cause pain and not death. He's had just about every kind of inujury imaginable inflicted upon him both by himself and by others (large amounts of explosives, massive boulders crushing him, falling from extreme heights and THEN having large multi-ton objects fall on him, had his body turned into the shape of an accordion or springs by the impact, etc.). And NOT ONCE has the Coyote ever died! He feels the pain, certainly, but his body stays intact and functioning no matter what happens to him. I don't think that having an Avalanche fall on him will be any worse than one of his usual multi-ton boulders driving him ANOTHER 20 feet into the canyon floor after he's fallen off a cliff. Unfortunately for his contender, Kenny appears to hail from the Horror Movie school of acting, where the killer will be defeated and then return in another episode. Kenny has yet to live through even one episode of South Park! He's extremely tenacious, returning to the next episode without fail, but he still dies! I think that he's still in this contest only because he reassembles himself in the bodybag each night at the morgue and shows up to compete again the next morning. Unfortunately for him this is the final, and the winner will be the one still ALIVE at the end of the show. So, while Kenny will doubtless return again (and again, and again, and again ...), the victory will fall to the mangled but still-mobile Coyote. - Someone With Way Too Much Time If you really wanted to destroy Kenny, a little boy, the answer would not be to drop an avalanche on him but rather Michael Jackson. Or certain rogue members of the clergy. Don't know what it would take for the coyote... - B.Katos oh, come on, let just take a REAL CLOSE LOOK here: Kenny is a little boy who does nothing but Die. he can't even call for help, since no one understands a word coming out of his head. Even if he possesses Cartman's body, he has no chance. However, Wile E. is an extremely smart, VERY FAST(although not quite Road Runner caliber) animal. all he has to to is take some of those SUPER-SPEED PILLS (tm) and run by kenny, and Kenny's skin will be ripped from his body by the shockwave alone! By the Way, ACME (tm) products do work, just not against the Road Runner. that's why the SPEED PILLS are gaurenteed to work-HE'S NOT USING THEM ON THE ROAD RUNNER, HE'S USING THEM ON HIMSELF AGAINST A SMALL BOY!!!!! Wile E. by hyperspeed skin removal. - just another schmuck whose comments are NEVER POSTED!!!!!!!!! Wile E. Coyote, though old, is still The Man and totally impervious to anything you can think of. Kenny, however, is also out of practice, having not been killed since his "death" from an unamed terminal disease and subsequent resurrestion after Cartman drank his soul. Both of the competitors are still unable to die (for very long, anyway) so it would be a stalemate. However... Do you honestly believe Cartman and the gang would let Kenny try for a million bucks without them, of course not. They'll see Kenny on TV and convince Stan's uncle Jimbo and his friend Ned to give them a ride to the contest. Both contestants will still be alive (der), but as soon as Jimbo and Ned see Wile E. "Coming right for us!" they will shoot him. Not with an Acme gun either, a real (cartoon, whatever) gun. Kenny will obvioulsy be in the line of fire, though so he will also die. The boys will waste no time dressing Butters up like Kenny to get the million while Kenny takes a day to come back to life. Butters will then accidently be entered into another contest where he will be pummeled, but that's beside the point. The boy's will bring the money home, but when Jimbo opens the window Cartman will lose hold of the money (he was counting it... again) and Bugs Bunny will pop out of his hole (good thing he didn't take the right turn at Albuquerque) just in time to grab the million to buy himself a lifetime supply of carrot coolatas. - Joe Blow For many years, Wile E. Coyote has concocted elaborate plans based on equipment furnished by the Acme company. And we're not talking about mousetraps and flypaper, we're talking jet engines, robots and earthquake pills - expensive stuff. Obviously Wile E. has lots of funding available, probably royalties from old Warner Brothers cartoons. Hell, the money he pays for one pair of rocket skates would easily buy him more KFC than he could eat. So it follows that he doesn't hunt the roadrunner because he has to. Personally, I think he's in it for the pain. Yup! Wile E. is a total masochist who gets off on being squashed into an accordian. He's so good at it that Roadrunner internet now pays him to get clobbered in their ads! Kenny, on the other hand, is dirt poor and prone to die within any given half hour. As a Subgenius, my money's on the super genius. - Trickster (aka Loke E. Coyote) well, after hours of pain-staking analysis of everything that has to do with both Wile and Kenny, I realized that only one factor could determine this epic battle of rag-dolls; the ever-so-trusty Rage Factor(tm, (R), inc, etc) Yes, the same Rage Factor(tm, (R), inc, etc) that has made champions such as.......preveious WWWF Grudge Match winners who won because of the Rage Factor(tm, (R), inc, etc). And who has more Rage (tm, (R), inc, etc)? Why, its obvious! Mr. Wile E. Coyote! Yes, while Kenny has Kyle and Eric to somewhat comfort him (and Cartman to laugh his fat ass off at him), poor Wile has nobody. His constant failures, injuries and so on have slowly built up within his soul, and Kenny will be the perfect scapegoat for Wile to unleash his fury and hatred onto. Then, as the roadrunner passes by, his "meep- meep" chirp will drive Wile into such a Rage(tm, (R), inc, etc) that he manages to capture the F***ING bird, and then he and I have a nice, quite dinner, topped off by Acme wine - The Man who wants roadrunner for dinner Ok, where is Kenny's motivation here? Where is his driving passion? What does he desire? Not too much. He dies every week. Sure the money would be nice, but just because something would be nice doesn;t give you a driving desire. Wile E. Coyote on the other hand, there's a man with desire. Every day of his life, Road runner Road runner Road runner. His dreams are haunted by that horrid "Beep Beep" THat is his motivation to get back. DO you have any ideo how many Acme Products he could buy with that money. $1 million dollars could be a lifetime's supply of ill concieved plans. Kenny has minimal motivation and Wile E. he has all the motivation in the world. This contest is almost as one sided at the Olsen Twins Vs the wood chipper would have been. - Reel Deal What we have here are two nigh-immortal characters, who both survive things like impaled on poles, crushed by boulders, hit by trains/lightning, etc ... but Wile has something Kenny doesn't. Invunerability. When Kenny dies, it's usually in an explosion of blood that would make a vampire go into ecstacy. Then rats come along and eat his corpse. And inexplicably comes back in the next episode. Yawn. Wile NEVER dies. In fact, not only does he NOT die, but he doesn't shred not ONE drop of blood! Not even a trace of blood, sweat, OR tears! The worst thing that happens to him is he gets flattened, which he needs only to sharply inhale to fix. Kenny is just a kid who just makes more come-backs than Jason. Wile is practically an IMMORTAL GOD. Granted, not a LUCKY immortal god, but one nonetheless. I bet if they used a nuke on that stretch of desert for testing, he'd probably only be burnt into a crisp and blow off into the wind, only to magically reconstuct himself later. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if nearby nuclear testing mutated into an immortal UBER- COYOTE OF LEGEND. Which you should all be worshipping right now. On your knees people. On the knees! NOW! - A.R.C. This match requires a simple application of the Tortoisian Motion Theorem, which proves betond a doubt with complex fancy-pants math and stuff that which we already know: Slow and steady wins the race. That's all this is, a race. Ignoring the death-defying (literally) antics of our whacked-out competitors, the goal is to be the only one back within a week. This means the objectives of Wile E. (Lupus Ridiculous) and Kenny (Homo Ressurectica)are twofold: Get back first, and stop the other. Wile E. can move really, really, fast. Not as fast as a Road Runner, naturally, but what can match the speed of the avian ballistic missle? But between his mad scramble and the wonder of ACME(tm) Nanosecond-Delivery(also tm), the elastic dog of doom can totally outdistance Kenny's construction paper toddle. Of course, he'll go about a mile or so before slamming into a rock/tree/train/disgruntled postal worker. Then, he'll spend a few hours staring at the pretty birdies flying around his accordianized head. Lather, rinse, repeat. Not only that, the crushed canine has more ways to stop Kenny...and more of a history of failure. Trust me, within a day, he'll be stuck to his own puddle of ACME(one more tm for the road)Industrial Strength Never Lets Go Omega Glue. And Kenny will use him to cross said puddle. Sure, Kenny will be ripped apart by enraged beavers at least once a day, but he'll be on the move within an hour. The show will go on until there is a winner, and eventually, Wile E. won't stumble in in time. Slow and steady wins the race, man. - The White Dwarf Kenny has the clear advantage in this contest. Simply put, he has been killed by being cut in half, impaled on a flag pole, blasted by aliens, shot by police, blown up by fireworks etc. Wile E. Coyote has survived mild explosions and falling off cliffs, but the key word there is "survived". Wile E. has never been killed. Hes suffered injuries. Kenny is killed week after week and still manages to come back unscathed. Wile E., on the other hand, usually finishes each cartoon with his body mangled and usually most of his parts in casts. Both will obviously be hurt in this contest, but in the end, Wile E. will end up in a body cast and Kenny will die, only to show up next week to take on the next challenger. Kenny is like the bastard child of every horror movie killer that wouldnt die. - The True Master of Disaster (A small fire flickers in the desert night. Three shadowy figures are seated around it, as a pleasant aroma wafts through the air.) Wile E. (holds up his sign):" I knew if we worked together we could avoid that avalanche and finally catch the Roadrunner." Kenny: "Hnmfnkd kjkdjldj jdjd". (He tastes great! I sure hope its kosher..) Ethernopian: eats Roadrunner in silence. Still can't gain weight. - ticklewigglejigglepickle No matter what happens, both contestants will be throughly crushed, maimed, beheaded, stomped, pulverized, stabbed, flatten (accordian style, of course), electrocuted, disembowled, and fried into little chicken wings and served over a layer of gooey sauce. What else can you expect when ACME(tm) Products are involved? - Cre8engr Prediction: Cartman, by a landslide. Oh. You mean out of those two? Hmmm... - The Guy who Kills These Freaks in the First Place The result of this match is actually very easy to find, for example: While Wile E. can be krushed, blown up, run over by trains or otherwise hurt in a comic misfire of his traps he always, always ~survives~ them! Kenny, on the other hand, will die frozen in the avalanche, only to be later found by Kyle and Co. to be lamented 'They killed Kenny!' 'Those bastards!'. It's important to note that the scenario has Wile E. and Kenny dropped off at the same remote location, and that Kenny ~always~ comes back next episode. Always. So while Kenny is dead and the Coyote is out and about, all he has to do to win is ship Kenny's frozen corpse to Antarctica. Because as long as Kyle and Co. dont scream out 'Those Bastards!' over the ice cube that is Kenny, Kenny can't come back to life giving Wile E. the win by way of default. - Paco P. Wyle E. is the only one of the two who has demonstrated an ability to die and stay dead. He's been dead since 1963. - Mr. Glag This is indeed a poser. Wile E. Coyote, hyper-inteligent punching bag of fate. Kenny McCormick, he of the constant death scene. The question: Who will survive a avalanche? The answer: Sure, it's Wile E. becaues Kenny would die, he always dies, right? WRONG. Sure, Kenny died every damn episode... of the early seasons. However, as of late Matt and Trey dropped the "Kenny's Dead" angle. So far, the only time Kenny died was at the hands of the evil wanna-be despot of Canada, Saddam Hussein. Plus, thanks to the recent episode, "Good Times with Weapons", there is another aspect to Kenny one must consider. NINJA KENNY. Yep, Kenny (perhaps as a karmic apology for dying so many times) can tap into the ancient powers of the Ninja! (and somewhere, a guitar wails so totally hard) Sure, the coyote may survive the fall of rock and snow, but Ninja Kenny is cool enough to jump, leap, and fly through it! (and have plenty of time to kill an entire class of 8th graders because some kid had to jack off) And, if Wile E survives the avalanche (which he will, because he's a Loney Toon, dammit), he'll wish he hadn't, because he must then face the AWESOMENESS of Ninja Kenny. With one swift (and totally sweet) ninja action, Wile E. winds up with a throwing star in his eye. Game Set Match, Ninja Kenny! (who also helps out starving Etheopians by popping a six-foor boner for charity) - Lord Demonicuss Krinn -- Taisetsu na mono protect my balls! If Wile E.'s such a genius, then how come he's signing up to get stuff dropped on him? - Tweedle Dee the uber-skank mmmmph mmm m mmmmph mmmemmmmph mm mmmem mmmph mmmmph. - Rabbi Jesus The resolution of this match is complicated, but only slightly, by an ambiguity in the premise. This is the final match, and whoever survives it wins the million bucks. However, if the survivor really does have to show up next week to collect the prize, that episode is going to be so low on actual content that the padding-to-product ratio will break the theoretical maximum (currently held by American Idol). While this seems impossible, television today is defined by crossing lines that really oughtn't be crossed, so it's quite possible. A thorough analysis must take both possibilities into account. First, if the winner can be proclaimed this episode, Wile E.'s got it easily. He always survives; Kenny always dies. The fact that Kenny always comes back next episode doesn't enter the equation, and our favorite coyote pockets the grand prize. If there is a next week, though, Kenny is liable to return from his certain death. However, given the necessity of fifty-six minutes of padding before the final two minutes of announcing a winner, Kenny will have loads of time to die yet again and disqualify himself. It will also give Wile E. the extra time he needs to dig himself out and arrive on camera, squashed but rich. Too bad he'll just blow the stash on ineffective Road Runner traps. Too bad for him anyway; all the more entertaining for us. - Call me Shane The camera pans around a surreal Moab Utah looking array of stone arches and rock fingers jutting hundreds of feet into the air. It comes to rest on the figure of Wile E. Coyote hammering a wooden sign into the desert ground. The sign reads "Free Roadrunner Chow" and points to a cobbled together false front of Roadrunner Diner. Behind the door, a shiny wood chipper hums and waits. The roadrunner approaches at 200 miles per hour and stops in front of the sign before darting into the fake eatery, and then darting out with a bag labeled "free food". The coyote scratches his head in puzzlement, peeks thru the door, and is instantly sucked into the wood chipper. Little bits and pieces of coyote meat stream from the exhaust chute and pile themselves into a coyote shaped form. Meanwhile, Mary Kate and Ashley stagger zombie-like into the killing machine. Kenny sees the roadrunner leave with a big bag of free food, and being the poverty stricken starvin marvin he is, goes in to get some. The wood chipper labors under its triple load, shaking back and forth. Wile E. Coyote, who's body has magically been restored, is pelted with sickening bits of little girl parts and orange parka. The wood chipper breaks loose from it's moorings and chases the hapless animal into the sunset. - Trickster Under the current rules, we obviously have a stalemate. Wile E Coyote is perfectly indestructible, and Kenny has infinite lives. They'll both be there next episode, where the programmers will try dropping gigantic catapults on them instead. Then they'll be back for the one after that. And the one after that. And the one after that... Years will pass. Ratings will take a notable downturn. And finally the show's producers - who by now, since this is cartoon land, have grown long beards and have cobwebs growing on them - will make a change to the game's rules: next person to die loses. This puts the game squarely in Wile E Coyote's hands - all he has to do is stand there. One of the ironclad rules governing his existence is that he can only be harmed by his own ineptitude or the failure of Acme(tm) products; as long as he remains idle, nothing bad can happen to him. Kenny, on the other hand, is afforded no such guarantee. He can stand perfectly still and somehow a tree will fall on him, a crowd will burst out of a nearby building and trample him, a space station will fall out of orbit and land on him. Unless it happens to be Christmas, Kenny can't get out of dying before the end of the episode. Wile E. Coyote wins by a Floridaesque rewrite of the rules. - Whogus the Whatsler
Where's the button for "All Mangled and... " Oh, never mind.
- -Guszilla, yes, AGAIN
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