The first specialist, Doogie Howser, walks forward and examines Urkel. "Hmmm. This is an obvious case of a ruptured mustela wisula causing pronounced vitifera complications. This man needs immediate surgery!"
The second specialist, Niles Crane, jumps to his feet. "You must be joking! Urkel is obviously suffering from post-traumatic repressed high-water-pants syndrome. He lacks the desire to heal! He needs immediate counseling!"
Doogie is outraged. "You sniveling quack! You don't know the first thing about medicine! This man will die unless I help him immediately!"
Niles grabs Doogie by his shirt. "All you doctors do is cut, cut, cut! His mind must be healed! It's all psychological! Now get out of here before you find your own self in need of surgery. I won't let you butcher this poor man!"
Doogie, convinced he is right, isn't going to let this slide. "Let's take this outside."
"Are you threatening me, you little rapscallion?! I'll tear you limb from limb!" With the gauntlet down, the two men enter into the side street next to the hospital. Piles of medical waste line the asphalt and buildings of this dark, dank alley. So Brian, who will win respect for his profession as well as the honor of treating the almighty Urkel?
Fourth, you've got the successful-spin-off factor. Niles will be able to feed off the best that other classic spin-off shows (such as Laverne & Shirley, The Jeffersons, and Baywatch Nights) have to offer. All Doogie has to draw from is the pool of child-actor-doctors such as... uh-oh. Fifth, you've got the latte factor. Undoubtedly Niles will be fresh off several cups of brazilian hazelnut mochaccino with a half-inch of low-fat foam and a whisp (not a hint, not a dash, but a whisp) of cinnamon. The ensuing caffeine rush will give him the strength of 10 psychiatrists and make him completely immune to pain. And sixth, you've got the invisible-spouse-factor. This puts Niles in the same category as Phyllis Lidstrom and Norm Peterson. Can Doogie even hope to compare with the greatness of the man that uttered such classic lines as "It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear"? I don't think so, Steve. Clearly, too many things favor Niles and Doogie is going down for the count.
STEVE: Rage, rage, rage. You sound like a broken record. Doogie is going to eat Niles for breakfast. As much as Doogie annoys me, there is no doubt that Niles will be beaten to a pulp. Luckily for him the hospital is nearby. First of all, Doogie, being a medical doctor, has detailed knowledge of the human body. He knows where all the nerve endings, fragile bones, and vulnerable organs are. A few well placed hits and Niles will be reduced to a heap of quivering tissue. Even if Doogie gets hit a few times, what difference will it make? Even if Niles knows how to throw a punch, his hardest hit would barely be noticeable.
It's important to note who Doogie hangs out with. He's always accompanied by his friend Vinnie. Note the italian looks, slicked-back hair, and general attitude of this fellow. Undoubtedly, he is associated with the mafia. I wouldn't be surprised if Doogie performs special no-questions-asked bullet removal for these guys. Anyhow, it's always a bad idea to tangle with someone with organized crime connections. As Doogie heads outside, a call is made to the Godfather, and within minutes a few surly guys show up and take care of what is left of poor Niles. With any luck, his body may wash up in the harbor in a few weeks.
BRIAN: Oh, I see, Steve. You discount one of my points because it's been used before (does that make it any less true?) and then think that that will also discredit my other five points? Sorry, but our readers are a little too astute to let you get away with that trick. They're also too smart to ever think that Doogie's little playmate is even remotely cool enough to have mob ties. This kid couldn't even be an extra in The Lords of Flatbush nevermind a member of a significant Italian gang. And even if Doogie did have links to the mafia, it's not an insurmountable obstacle. After all, if George Pataki can defeat someone with mob ties, Niles Crane can as well.
And as far as Doogie's medical knowledge, he may know all about mustela wisula's and the Isles of Langerhans, but he knows precious little of the body part most needed now: cojones. He's a punk kid that won't even have the guts to defend himself. And besides, he took the Hippocratic Oath (tm). He is charged to heal, not to kill. When it comes down to it, he will care too much to actually harm his opponent. Niles, on the other hand, is not restricted by any of that touchy feely crap. Being a psychiatrist, and not a real doctor, he never took any oath that will restrict the ethical nature of his attack. Any fighter will tell you that a fight is at least half mental. And that's where Niles' morally questionable approach will focus, by talking to him as they circle each other: "So, Doogie, do you realize you're at the age when boys start questioning their sexual orientation?" "Do you ever think the pressures of making life and death decisions are too much for someone that should still be playing with Tonka products?" Much like our friend Miggs, Doogie will swallow his own tongue before Niles ever lays a hand on him.
STEVE: So now you're comparing Niles to Hannibal Lector? Now you're really grasping at straws. That's like comparing Dr. Ruth to Sigmund Freud. Especially since one is a puny, wimpy loser who only thinks about sex and the other is a domineering master of his trade. And I wouldn't worry about Doogie's Hippocratic Oath. By beating Niles into submission, he will obtain the opportunity to heal Urkel, thus giving him the loophole he needs to continue with the fight.
With all the medical waste laying about, Doogie has even more advantages. Look! A half-full syringe of anesthetic! Doogie darts to the pile of waste, and with a quick, specially trained flick of his wrist, Niles is going beddy-bye. Who knows what else Doogie might find in the alley? Maybe some malfunctioning Electro-Zap "I'm having a heart-attack" Paddles (tm) could be used as a taser. Or maybe a severed head could be used to just simply scare him away. You never know what you might find in a pile of medical debris.
Late that night, after Doogie has finished off Niles, and cured Urkel's ills, he sits back and ponders over the day's events on his high-tech PC Jr. computerized diary. "Dear Diary, Today I beat the living crap out of some weenie shrink. I guess no matter how small you are, no matter how puny or how wimpy, there is always somebody even wimpier than you." Click.
Thanks to our oldest fan HotBranch! (tm) for giving us the invisible-spouse concept (a long time ago).
For Frasier and Doogie Howser, M.D. links, visit Sitcoms Online.
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Second, there is an episode of Doogie Howser that he got in a fight (I am embarassed to admit having watched any episode of that show). Anyway, first he punched at the other guy's groin, and when that didn't work, he slapped the other guy in the ear. Truly a pathetic display, but it shows that when it comes down to a fight, the boy knows nothing more than the things Homer Simpsons taught Bart in ten seconds.
Third, in a day of legalized abortions and doctor assissted suicides, it is arguable that the Hippocratic Oath is obsolete anyway, and since we will now take a more pragmatic approach to healing, we can see that it is in the best interests of human civilization for Urkel to die. This is more likely to occur from Dr. Crane's treatment than from Howser's. Besides if Howser loses Urkel, it will lead to a big long speech with his dad, about how hard it is to lose a patient, something none of us want to see. But if Niles gets him killed, it will be sure to be done in a humorous manner, where we can all celebrate the elimination of the most annoying figure this side of Wesley Crusher. So much like in the infamous Barney vs Wesley duel, it is likely that bystanders will interfere and help Niles win. Death to Doogie, Death to Urkel, Niles appointed to Surgeon General.
- Brendan W. Guy
- Mark Wentz
- Doug Turnbull
- Shannon T.
- Brian J. Prisco
- Old Lady Crow
Meanwhile, Urkel is still in desperate need of medical care, but no doctors can be found! Doctor Nick Riviera is busy filming a new plastic surgery informercial. Doctor Ruth Westheimer is editing her new edition of "Sex for Dummies." Doctor Strangelove, Doctor Doom, Doctor Doctor Can't You See I'm Burning Burning, Doctor Livingstone I. Presume...none of them can be reached by phone or pager.
Finally, one doctor is located.
Doctor Jack Kevorkian.
Bye-bye, Urkel! [Fiendish Laughter]
- Geoduck
- Matt Keeley (mrme@eskimo.com)
- Nathan of Borg
- Hondo
- Morgan
- lynnmh
Suddenly, throughout the hospital patients on crutches and in wheelchairs look around to find out that they are alone.
Before Nile's voice dies away Doogie's attention is drawn by a low rumble coming from the doors that they had just passed through. The doors explode into the street and a hoard of snarling, drooling lawyers pour out. They pause to sniff the air then slowly turn towards Doogie. Seeing the bloodlust in their eyes he shouts, "I barely touched him!"
Niles points and screams, "He admits it!"
Well, Doogie is sued by everyone from Niles to the AMA to Dana Scully for stealing her diary technique. He is forced to go back to school to learn air-conditioning repair, while Niles has his way with Urkel.
Oh, and Doogie isn't the only one with Mafia connections. If you'll remember, Niles is currently employing the wife of a Noted mob boss, so he is well protected.
- Josh Freeman
- Jon
They step into the ally. Niles looks around him, used medical products, emptied bedpans, appendixes, you know, and he becomes so grossed out that he immediately goes comotose. Doogie rips his shirt off in a show of manliness, worthy of a costodial job in Springfield, but he has other thoughts:
"Why do I have to sit here, kicking the shit out of this guy, when I could be getting done with my job and screwing my girlfriend. Look at this quivering mass of non-manliness. What he needs is to get laid."
At which point, Doogie feels so sorry for Niles, that he only beats him slightly, and introduces him to Blondie, or Dolly or whatever that nurses name was.
"January 30, 1997... Isn't it odd that the glass is half full, and people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones? I guess I should throw something clever, yet deep and touching here and just go to bed, yet I just can't stop thinking about sex. "
- janicem
- Paul
- masas panic
During that extra year of training, Niles will have learned how to justify killing a fellow human without remorse and without "really" breaking his oath. Just think about all the time he had available to day dream while some poor lout lay on the couch droning on and on about some dribble. Thus, we see why Niles has an infinite armory on which to draw.
Should he, with a few well placed words, bring painful repressed memories of childhood abuse rushing to the surface or settle for the more subtle but equally debilitating innuendo about Doogie's failure to make it with Wanda? Either way, Doogie will be sufficiently disorentied that the tire iron contacting the temporal bone of his skull will produce a satisfying "smush" as the boy genius's brain is spill all over Niles' Bruno Magli (tm) shoes. Niles will return to Frazier's to have Daphne take this wardrobe to the cleaners and discover that this animalistic display of rage has won her over and they will proceed to "bump uglies" like there is no tomorrow.
- Psychiatrist in training
- Visit my homepage at http://dana.ucc.nau.edu/~jtn3/!
Dead link -- redirected to university homepage.
While Vinnie may have mob connections he's also a director.He won't have time to call Tony and his crew because he'll be filming the whole damn fight.Now that that point is taken care of ,lets get on with the fight shall we?
Doogie hits Niles with a pair of forceps but then is then beaned in turn by a fastball,he looks around and sees Sam "Mayday" Malone,hey Niles has some connections too.While Doogie is distracted Cliff comes in and starts boring him with the fascinating details about the life of the hawaiian guava moth.When hes starting to get drowsy,Woody and Carla beat him to a bloody pulp.To make sure he doesnt get up,Norm sits down and has a beer.Niles win but its not over folks.
Norm brought along Vera.When Niles sees Vera,all he think of is that
Maris must have been drugged and has false memories implanted into
her
- Heccy
Come on, now. Neither one of these twerps is going to throw a
single punch. It's just a matter of who will be able to bore the
other one to death with their incessant talking. Doogie's going to run out of things to say about three hours before
Niles is finished just with talking about what Freud would have to say
about Doogie. I don't see him lasting that long, but even if he does
Niles has Jungian, Neo-Freudian, Piagetian, Neo-Piagetian, Skinnerian,
Rogerian, Pavlovian, Ericksonian theories to back him up, not to
mention the 5-factor model, attribution theory, and a whole host of
other models and theories. Doogie will crumble. No doubt about it.
Niles, on the other hand, was raised by a drunken, belligerent ex-cop
who continually subjects Niles to beatings with a metal cane to keep
him sharp.
Welcome to the jungle, baby...lil' 'silver spoon boy' is today's entree.
- Brian Kutner
Niles gasps. "Oh, no! Three-syllable words! I'm petrified! And
stay still! How am I supposed to pummel you if you don't stay still?"
Suddenly, a dark shadow passes over them, gliding to the pavement.
Niles turns in alarm, only to be flung effortlessly through the air
and into a dumpster.
Doogie starts backing away, as the intruder advances menacingly.
"Hey, mind your own business," he says in a pathetic attempt at a
snarl. "Uh, wait, maybe we can work this out. Violence isn't the
answer. Security!" His voice is high and cracking by now, and
doens't carry. He feels a cold, hard wall at his back, then the grip
of gloved hands on his collar. "WHAT ARE YOU?!?" he shrieks.
The caped figure lifts him off the ground. "I'm Batman. At least for
this movie."
The Dark Knight(TM) draws back a fist. Doogie flinches, cracks his
head against the wall, and slumps unconscious. Batman sneers beneath
his cowl, drops the Boy Blunder, and swoops into the hospital.
Moments later, the costume of his secret identity safely hidden away,
Doctor Doug Ross enters Urkel's room. He completes the miracle cure
in five minutes, with a well-placed chirporactic twist and a short
lesson in how to impress chicks. Healed in mind and body, Urkel
leaves the hospital a new man, no longer needing alter-egos to lead a
fulfilling life.
The same cannot be said for Ross/Batman -- but that's the price you
pay for being a superhero. That and hit pieces by Entertainment
Tonight.
- Call me Shane
Doogie then returns inside to save America from the scourge that is Urkel, Kevorking him with a needle full of antifreeze. The only thing that made this fight worth winning was the threat that Urkel might make it out alive.
- Mal Practice
Niles could get Fraisure to help him out, but their squabling
would prevent them from being an effective tag team. Dougie and
Vinney on the other hand go together like Sour Cream & Onion.
Its just no contest.
- kARMACIDE
---URKEL IS A GIRL---
Whoops. Put in the wrong information. I do that sometimes. Trying again, my wonder computer says:
---NILES IS MY HERO, AND YOURS. THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE---
With a total monopoly on fan support (as measured in LPM's (Laughs Per Microsecond), and a really cool tie, Dr. Niles M. Crane, Ph.D kicks some prepubescent kiddie doc ass.
- Czyz
"My God! He's been folded in half! He's lost feeling in his legs
and he's bleeding internally! The human body was not meant to fold
like that! We'll have to operate!"
Niles smile and cracks his knuckles before wading into the waiting
crowd of doctors to explain why he feels surgery is unnecessary...
- Eeyore
When I was a young student, I had a reputation as a smart kid; and
some insensitive boor nailed me with the nickname of--you guessed
it--Doogie Howser. You can imagine the torment and anguish. It has
taken years of intensive therapy to get me to my current state of
mental balance. Hence, I will greatly enjoy it as Niles causes him to
swallow his tongue, then beats him with a policeman's nightstick;
afterwards Mr Crane and I will enjoy the Doogster's liver with fava
beans and a nice Chianti.
Rage? I got your rage right here, baby.
- Crazy Matt--Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know.
Once again our intrepid, if myopic, commentators overlook a crucial
factor, everyone's favorite commedic device:
- mess
- DrewyM.
And so, there would be no way for Doogie to have even the slightest of
chances, since nothing he could do could possibly even the odds while
Niles has years of Bloody Brotherly Bashing (tm) under his belt...
- Fistandantilus of Montreal
All of this shows that Doogie Howser is a seething cocktail of
suppressed adolescent anxiety, seething with angst, boiling with (dare
I say) rage(tm)? All that Niles has going for him is that he can
banter well and wears natty argyle socks.
Urkel's insides will be outside in no more than 10 minutes flat.
- Paco Picopiedra
1) Reality: Which is more likely to exist, an uppity neo-yup relative
of a shrink in Seattle or a 15-year-old MD. According to exhaustive
research (okay, I called my doc and asked him if he knew any teenaged
doctors - Nope!), it is obvious that Doogie does not exist, herego
Niles wins.
2) Nielson ratings: Niles wins based on his #5 rating in the local TV
ratings. Syndicated Doogie runs in the low 40s on some obscure VHF
channel. Based on households, Niles mows him over!
3) Developed Secondary Sex Characteristics: Niles has got gallons of
raw testosterone coursing through his veins and an object of sexual
Rage (TM) at which to direct it. Doogie's undescended jewels and
nubile, prepubescence just can't measure up to Niles, the seething
volcono of virile manhood.
- Science Jim
Just as the two are about to reconcile after agreeing that the alley
is too forbidding for both of them, the tantalizing Daphne appears on
the scene. With Niles in mind (she's long since known about his
unquenchable desire to merely feel her bum...), she comes on to
Doogie like lint on a lollipop. Doogie's hormones take over and he
loses all reasoning ability.
Seeing Daphne flirt shamelessly with the young fellow (who, Niles has
to admit, IS at his sexual peak), Niles loses it. He rapidly performs
a five hit maneuver, featuring his family-style CRANE kick. Doogie,
luckily somewhat numb with anticipation, doesn't even feel his head
separate from his torso.
Daphne then goes on tormenting Niles, the deliverer of Urkel's
miracle psychological cure, and everything ends up just about where
it started off for the next episode (canned laughter, applause).
- WVU Chuck
Let's face it, Doogie is a "do-gooder," and while he may have the edge
in the "general smarts" department. Doogie is always fretting about
whether or not he "did the right thing," and will doubtlessly hesitate
to finish Niles off. Niles, on the other hand, has no qualms with
doing the wrong thing if it will do him some good (ie...get him back
Maris, or Daphne). The man has associated himself with underworld
characters just to get traffic tickets taken care of, for crying out
loud.
As for Vinny, since when has he actually been -helpful- to Doogie? As
far as I can remember, Vinny has always been causing Doogie problems,
and if he's even -there-, he will be easily distracted by a nurse,
leaving Doogie one-on-one with Niles. This guy couldn't even help
Doogie beat the crud out of Kevin Arnold's nerdy friend from "The
Wonder Years."
- Trevin
Once Doogie has gotten in touch with his inner child (or inner
toddler, in his case), Niles will have already brained him with a
garbage can and left him bleeding in the gutter.
Don't fret for Doogie, however. Having realized how screwed up he
really is, he'll turn around and sue his parents, take the settlement
and move in with Michael Jackson.
- Bill Lindich
- Jeff Fox
- Spiffo
- EdK
- Adamius Rex
Nature teaches us that aggressive, or killer, instincts are learned.
Doogie's father is an annoyingly understanding and warm middle aged man.
He is accustomed to the luxurious life of a surgeon, and thusly, has lost the "killer instinct" to pass on to Doogie.
Doogie circles Niles with a poor imitation of the Ali Shuffle. "I'm
gonna mop the alley with your pasty gluteus."
Well, there's some factors that were overlooked in this brawl. First of all, you mention Niles being repressed, but the truth is, any youngster like Doogie who was forced into doing proctology exams and the like at such an age when most kids are playing with Legos (tm) is bound to be a bit of a time bomb himself. This is a kid who had a Laker Girl (tm) in his apartment, and could barely bring himself to kiss her. Serious issues there. Secondly, there's Niles' shoes...if they're (allegedly) too ugly for O.J., no one on the planet should own them. Third, the Doogster is used to doing his dirty work with his hands. I'd definitely choose a wimp who knows which end of a scalpel is up over a wimp whose only skills involve telling people their mother is to blame for everything but the Lindbergh kidnapping.
Hmm my original though was that if Niles can survive being married to
Maris, then He could surrvive anything. But now I realized that Viney
would carry Dougie over the top in this bout. Viney was in the
musical Newsiews, and in Ed Wood. Trust me, if Viney's singing won't
destroy Niles, then the incredible badness of Plan 9 will, and to make
matters worse for Niles, Vinney's got Tor Johnson Backing him up.
Did anyone in the studio audience ever laugh at Doogie's jokes? No. WAS there even a studio audience? No. How many times per episode does the studio audience fall out of their chairs guffawing at the wild and crazy antics of Niles "God" Crane? On average, 45.6. Using a terribly complicated mathmatical formula to complex too put here, my 286 here has determined that:
Well, we have a pretty even match here. Both have the physiques of
15-year olds, but Niles has the advantage. Being a phsychologist,
Niles is used to dealing with patients who are a little bit on the
other side of the sanity-fence who would probalby like to do nothing
more than wrap their hands around his windpipe and choke him into
oblivion. What these fruitcakes and Doogie are not aware of is that
Niles is a martial arts expert, and after Doogie gets in the first
shot, Niles incorporates a blend of Aiki-jutsu, Aikido and Jiu-jitsu
to clean the floor with Doogie. Minutes, nay, scant seconds after
Doogie gets in the first shot (his only one of the match, I might add)
Niles folds him into a pretzel and deposits him in a nearby garbage
can with a thunk that brings the other doctors running.
I'm pretty much voting for Niles not so much because I like the
snivelling, British-wannabe, hanging-on-his-brother's-coattails Niles,
but beacuase of my deepseated loathing for all things Doogie. Barney?
He's kinda cute if you squint hard enough. Wesley? He whines like
Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars movie, so maybe there's hope
for him after all. Doogie? DIE, DOOGIE, DIE!
Maris.
She's got Niles, Conan's older, meaner brother p-whipped into
submission. If she's conquered this towering pillar of manhood,
this little pencil-necked medi-geek will be wrapped around her
finger in a windsor knot. Maris hears that this weaselly little
Pimply-Faced Youth is kicking around her punching bag,
she'll soon get (as Rambo once put it after losing a firefight
to her wrath) 'ugly mean.' Niles, though he would, almost
certainly, turn Doogie into a fine red mist, he'll never get
the chance-- Maris will have her claws in his neck before he
gets to throw a punch.
One should never underestimate the power of a angry sexually repressed adult male. After all, wars were started so that a sexually repressed male could "get some" (Trojan). Niles, in the amount of time sex with daphney would take.
Although this is supposed to be a one on one match I can't
ignore the supporting cast of each of the combatants. Niles of course
has Frasier, Roz, Martin, Bulldog, and we cannot forget Eddie. Doogie
has Vinnie, that nurse in the hospital, that other young doctor, his
mom and dad, and those two girls that always hang out with him. It's
no contest. Frasier has had to put up with Lilith his entire TV life,
Roz is tougher and meaner than most guys I know, Martin is an ex-cop,
and Eddie is the cute loveable pooch that was turned into a vicious
killing machine in the Mask. Where's the killer instinct on Doogie's
team? Exactly, there isn't any. The only possible advantage Doogie
has are Vinnie and Doogie's respective girl friends, who could
theoretically whine their way to victory. My vote goes to Niles and
the gang. In fact, they'll wipe out Doogie in enough time for Frasier
to talk about it on his next broadcast.
Okay, this one was a hands-down, easy ass-kicking for Niles... While
both sides had some good arguments as to why their man should emerge
victorious, as is often the case, the most important argument is the
one that was never brought up... Niles has the big advantage over
Doogie that no amount of medical knowledge will ever counter - The
Sibling Shit-Kicking Factor (tm?)... As an only child, Doogie has
never experienced the Sibling Shit-Kicking, as Niles will most
definitely have, possibly from both sides of the event... Siblings
regularly beat each other to a pulp (yes, even future shrinks like
Niles and Fraser - "Hey, who took my notes on
psycho-neurotic-impulses-in-middle-aged-males-who-want-to-be-teenage-females? Niles, you little shit, get back here with my stuff!!
The important factor to remember in this match up is the child star
point. Think about other child stars... Cuddly Jerry "The Beav"
Mather offs himself in a fit of depression. Danny Bonaduce beats up
transvestite prostitutes and we can't forget about the Diff'rent
Strokes gang: Dana Plato holding up a porn video store in Vegas,
Willis stabbed a man and I don't even need to talk about Gary Coleman.
I have to believe that Niles will kick the Doogster's shiny, nubile,
prepubescent hiney rather easily for the following obscure reasons.
(Black screen with white text reading "Women, can't live with 'em..."
fades to scene in alley.)
Niles in a very close match, but for none of the reasons you mention.
Niles would emerge supreme for the simple reason that, although Doogie
may be book-smart, he knows diddly about the human psyche. Witness
his dating history, or lack therof! Niles would be wise to engage Doogie in some standard pre-brawl posturing, such as asking him why he feels a puerile urge to solve a professional dispute with violence. Could it be the pressure of early success? The constant urging of his parents to excel? The derisive jibes by his peers in the medical profession? The failure of women to take his pathetic advances seriously? Does he feel traumatized by his lost childhood, cheated of the youthful innocence he has never known? Once Niles has Doogie's attention on these issues, the wimpy geek doctor would show his true colors by breaking down and sobbing like a girl. Having no equivalent medical issues to raise with Niles, Doogie would be easy prey; Niles, though slight in build, seems
reasonably healthy.
Remember, Niles has had contact with the crime boss who
'fixed' his legal problems for him in exchange for having Frasier
convince his fiancee to marry him. Niles has seen the ugly
underbelly of the crime world and will use this to his advantage
as he teaches Doogie a whole new song about anatomy "The foot bone's
connected to the tail bone..."
Doogie Vs. Niles? You guys both left out the
age factor. Doogie is young and full of piss
and vinagar, while Niles is probably in his forties and having
ulcer or prostate problems. Also, Doogie can prescribe drugs. Doogie
most likely is some kind of barbituate freak,
able to take several bullets by passing gang members before he notices
that his chest feels kind of itchy. Niles doesn't have a chance
against Doogie.
They both lose. Once they get outside, Doogie launches a right hand
at Niles. Doogie has the co-ordination of a pro athlete.
Unfortunately, it is a New York Jet. He misses, crunching his hand
into the brick wall, giving himself a classic boxer's fracture of the
metacarpals. Niles, whose only things he has in common with boxers
are the shorts, faints that someone had the temerity to assualt him,
however unsuccessfully. The bout ends with Doogie cradling his hand
crying over the damage to his suturing hand, and Niles passed
out face down in a messy Depends (tm).
This fight basically comes down to outcast youth vs. grown-up version
of would-have-been-picked-on-if-not-at-private-school youth. Doog, as
much as I hate to say it, does have, by virtue of age alone, at least
some vestigial bicep muscle. Imagine, also, how much crap he had to
put up with from the other academically threatened high school kids,
or how hard he had to push through a crowd to get his eight year old
body up to the keg at undergraduate parties, or finally, how much
endurance he developed telling anxiously awaiting families in the
waiting room that yet another patient died on his operating table due
to the insane medical licensing standards which allow prepubescents to
perform complex surgery. (It's even sadder to think about the last
panicky thought of the patient as the gas is hitting him and he looks
up to see...is this a joke?...who's this kid with the knife?...the
glare off that movie-screen-sized forehead of his alone guarantees
code blue surgery conditions!...AAaaaagggghhhh!!!) I'm sure Dr.
Doogie has dealt with a few waiting room butt-thrashings and is a
stronger man for it. Niles, has been pampered. His complexion puts
him in the same genre as Cabin Boy who only stopped powdering his
behind when he was eighteen. I like Niles, but I gotta give this one
to experience...to the one who has been worked over by the cruel hands
of a jealous world.
Okay, it's gotta be Doogie by a furlong here. Five reasons why.
- Kilgore Trout
- Doogie All the Way!
Niles Crane is linked to Frasier Crane, played by Kelsey Grammer.
Kelsey Grammer is linked to Kirstie Alley through Cheers.
Kirstie Alley is linked to John Travolta from Look Who's Talking.
John Travolta is linked to Christian Slater in Broken Arrow.
Christian Slater is linked to Kevin Bacon in Murder in the First.
Niles Crane wins because he has the Kevin Bacon connection.
- Third Acolyte, Church of Kevin Bacon
Neil Patrick Harris was in Clara's Heart with Whoopi Goldberg
who was in Ghost with Demi Moore
who was in A Few Good Men with...
(There's even a shorter link if you use Kathleen Quinlan) -Eds.
- PG-13(tm)
- Greg Wymer
- Reverend
So in evaluating the battle of cranium vs. Crane, as always, you give the fight to the guy that best uses his head.
- Thinkmaster General
- S. M. Finger*
1) Niles's father is an experienced, grizzled, veteran law enforcer. Surely he has taught his son some of his expertise. Also, his brother is involved in drugs, so you know he is some sort of lowlife, having ties with some very surly fellows indeed, ready to help out the brother of their pal. And come on, with a name like Niles, I bet he had to fight his way out of some name-calling instances as a kid. And, as was mentioned before, he is definitely a time bomb waiting to go off. I wouldn't want to be in the Doog's shoes tonight.
2) Doogie. His dad's a doctor. This won't aid in his ability to kick butt. He may be able to get at the debris laying in the alley, but won't ever get the chance to use it. Also, Doogie was pampered as a kid. Child geniuses aren't exactly common, so he was watched carefully by his folks. I'm sure all his friends love his cute little nick-name, too. The only hatred he's ever faced is from pimple-faced nerds awaiting entrance to med. school, not ruffians such as Frazier (and remember, Frazier spent a lot of time in bars. Don't you think he taught his brother some of the tricks of hand-to-hand combat?)
And this is why I see this one as a wash. As soon as Niles gets in the first punch, he will revel in the excitement of power, pummelling the teen doc to submission.
- Adam B.
The answer all boils down to the allies each will call upon to do battle. I say "will call upon" because neither is willing to actually dirty their hands in a real fight. We all know that Miles is a vain clotheshorse. He'll make a lot of threating statements like "Why, if I weren't on my way over to the Melnick Foundation Charity Benefit for Pre-Pubescent Medical Students, I'd show you a thing or two about fisticuffs!", but it's all just a smokescreen. In reality, he's even more afraid of his duds getting soiled that he is of getting his dapper butt kicked in a good-old-fashioned, All-American Catfight(tm). Lets face it, all Niles is good for is quoting watered-down Freud on a studio teleprompter written by some underpaid NBC script consultant.
Doogie's no powerhouse either. He diagnoses patients like Peter Brady the day his voice broke. He can't do anything with conviction because everything he does is...so...implausible. Even he realizes it. A teen doctor comedy-drama? A name like Doogie? He won't dare make a move until "developed for television" is added to his show's opening credits (and it got CANCELED so it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN!).
And frankly, there's the WUSS FACTOR(tm). They both have it in spades. So it all boils down to who they can get to fight for them.
Imagine if you will, the following scene:
Niles:"Well young man, if I cannot dissuade you with reason, then I guess I'll have to resort to brute force!" Niles snaps his fingers dramatically several times until he gets it right. A limo pulls up at the end of the alleyway, and a door opens. Eddie the dog bounds out and barrels down the alleyway, stopping abruptly at Niles' feet, staring attentively upward. Niles:(Points at Doogie) "Go on Eddie, teach him a lesson." Eddie looks at Doogie, then at Niles. Doogie, then Niles. Suddenly he starts tearing at Niles' designer shoes. Just then, Doogie's Pager starts beeping. Doogie:"Um, I've gotta make a phone call. Be back in a sec." He pulls a cellular phone out of his pocket. In less than a poorly scripted minute, he's delivered a baby, got a date for the prom, and had a heart to heart talk with his parents about taking out the trash. Niles:(Swatting at Eddie)"You come back here and fight like a man!" Doogie:"Be there in a minute, I've just got to make some phone calls!" Exactly a minute later, Doogie puts away his phone and walks up to Niles. Niles is finally extracting Eddie from his shoes. Doogie:"Um. Problem with your dog?" Niles:(Very Angry)"None whatsoever. Now young man, prepare yourself to meet your maker!" Doogie:(pointing down alley)"I think THEY might have something to say about that." A terrible howling fills the alleyway. Surging under, over, and through the limo are every disgruntled teen actor whose career went down the toilet the day puberty arrived. Ricky Schroeder, Dana Plato, Alisa Milano, Drew Barrymore, Macauley Kulkin, Punky Brewster, even that guy who played Dennis the Menace in the fifties, before he got hopped up on Angel Dust, they're all here armed with hatchets, bats and knives. The prison-muscled, steel-helmeted body of Todd Bridges strides up to the terrifed Dr. Crane. Gary Coleman rides piggyback, wielding a shotgun. G.Coleman:(points haughtily at Niles)"Hey, are you the guy who's been messin' with my-MAIN-man Doogey?" Niles:"Uh, I'm sorry sir, I don't believe I'd had the pleasure of meeting you..." G.Coleman:"I AM MASTERBLASTER! What's the matter? Don't you watch movies?" T.Bridges:(breathing heavily)"Uhrrrr...urf, urf...RRRRR" G.Coleman:(bangs helmet with shotgun)"What you talkin' about WILLIS?" The actors surround Niles menacingly, all except Alisa Milano and Drew Barrymore, who are fighting over which is the REAL Poison Ivy.
I'll bet you are thinking that Niles has the psychiatric know-how to take on this herd of codependent misfits. I'll bet you're thinking that reducing them to sobbing piles of emotionally wet cabbage is enough to save his sorry ass. Not so!
Oh sure, Niles will TRY to talk them down, but nothing--I mean NOTHING, not past life progression, not touch therapy, not even an improvised search for Kim Field's Inner Child(tm) can save Niles from Team "Bochco": the entire cast of Cop Rock. They rush down the alleyway, a mad cross between the Statler Brothers and the cast of Bob Fosse's "Dancin'" in SWAT fatigues. With cries of "Wringing in the Sheaves", they tear apart the struggling Niles like so much fresh bread.
The victory goes to Dr. Howser and his hell-brood of deranged child actors. 'Nuff said.
- Charles In Charge
- El Squid
- Noel Schornhorst
The scene opens as Niles & Doogie face off in the alley. Niles gets his first girly slap in and bloodies the Doog-Lord's nose. But as shrinks are failed wanna-be surgeons who could not stand the sight of blood, he faints dead away. During this fainting spell Dr. Doog runs back into the hospital and with lightning speed works over Urkel and produces ROBO-URKEL... Robo-Urkel clomps out and finds the still swooning, this guy is such a wimp that he still gets "the vapors", Niles Crane and grabbing him by the scruff of the neck drags him back to the Urkel home.
Throwing the still limp and unresponsive Niles Crane into his limited transmografier Robo-Urkel sets the dial for pure essence. Bursting through the basement door, scrambling awkwardly to the rescue, comes Dr. Frasier Crane. Panting after this unusual physical exertion he stands open mouthed like a stunned carp as the necessary cheesy special effects wind down. The door hisses open, all action freezes and out from the chamber steps Diane Chambers.
"Oh, Frasier. I just couldn't live out my life without you. I secretly had a sex change operation and some plastic surgery to swap places with Niles. He's now living the life of Sven, a Swedish interior decorator can you ever forgive me? Don't I still look great in light peach business suits?" Frasier's eyes dart around the basement and seeing a length of pipe snatches it and starts to advance on Robo-Urkel. Robo-Urkel immediately reacts and shoots Frazier seven times. Diane falls to her knees and begins to wail.
As Diane's cries bleat mechanically from the Robo monitor speakers Dr. Howser leans back in his chair, over-rides the safeties and instructs Robo-Urkel to kick Diane through the nearest brick wall. Splat, drip. Ah, yes. Just another day at OCS's HMO.
Doog-Lord rules
- Worson Ells
I think there is sufficient evidence to back me up. All Niles will have to do is use the combat skills that he demonstrated in the "Ettiquette" episode of Frasier. If you recall, Niles was pitted against some troglodyte selected at random from the Great Unwashed (TM). Now, Niles does not have THE RAGE (TM), rather, he has THE ANGST (TM). Therefore, he is unburdened by some simean, Stallone-like need to fight with dignity. In short, Niles takes a dive. Then, his razor sharp intellect savagely skewers his underequipped opponent. Niles says the words most fearful to the post-modern would-be pugilist. "I have pain. I have suffering. I have a lawyer."
The lawsuit threat worked on the monosyllable-grunting creting at the Cafe Nervosa -- Can you imagine the effect on Boogie, er, Doogie? He is, after all, a doctor, and mortally afraid of lawsuits.
Niles will stagger from the alley, leaving Doogie crouched and wimpering in fear behind the Biohazard waste unit. As he rounds the corner, the little slip of a psychiatrist straightens his tie, and checks to make sure his opera ticket didn't get crumpled. He goes into the hospital and treats the patients brilliantly. When he leaves them, they are to distracted by disturbing mother fantasies to remember their previous "issues."
- Killer Biscuit, Queen of All she Sees
- My name sucks too.
[Yeah, even though it does suck, I decided to include it in the hopes of limiting you to only 1 or 2 responses per match.]
Niles has that One-head-dunk-in-the-toilet-away-from-sheer-lunacy look about him most of the time anyway. This impertinent questioning of his professional opinion by a Wesley-Crusher-wannabe should permanently reserve his suite in the Bedlam Hilton. As anyone who has ever been in a bar fight knows, it's not the 6'4" linebacker with a black belt in karate that you have to worry about. The real danger is the little guy in the corner with the facial tic who keeps demanding, "Peter, what is the frequency?" every time the barmaid passes his table. THAT'S the guy you'd better keep an eye on.
My guess would be that Doogie continues to try to reason with Niles as Niles cheerfully chews Doogie's carotid artery right out of his neck. Niles wins after Doogie goes into hypovolemic shock.
- Der Schlongerfrager
- The Guy Formerly Known as Hatter
- The Fabulous Side Kicking Alcoholic "The Irish Ninja"
- Cornboy
- Steve
'Cause I like him more.
- Susan
- John Tavenner
[Just for clarification: "Doctor Assisted Suicide" is 3 words.]
- Kris
- kk.
WWWF Celebrates Two Years Online!
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
Gary Coleman v. Webster
Urkel v. Tattoo
Bob Hartley v. Frasier Crane
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