World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

It has come to our attention that there apparently was (and possibly still is) a debate over which would win the machino-et-machino match-up: Death Star vs. Enterprise. Newsgroup chatter be damned!! Let's decide this for real, folks! Steve, Enterprise, led by Kirk and Co. (of course) up against the Death Star (with Darth Vader, no Emperor) - who controls the universe at battle's end?

U.S.S. Enterprise, Star Trek Death Star, Star Wars

Enterprise

vs.

The Death Star

The Commentary

STEVE: You're joking, right? How could an argument as one-sided as this ever linger over the (supposedly) intelligent memebers of the internet community? I'm so shocked I don't even know where to begin... I guess I'll start off with the obvious. The death star can pulverize a PLANET! Even with Scotty "givin' her all she's got," there's no way the Enterprise could withstand even one hit by that thing. And that's just the main gun. There are also thousands of smaller surface weapons, each of which would cause Kirk & Co. to go flying over the bridge railing if they hit the Enterprise. And of course, hitting the Enterprise wouldn't be difficult at all considering it's as manuverable as an ocean liner. Also, did I mention Tie-fighters? Swarms of them would descend on the Enterprise and blast it into smithereens. Also, did I mention the tractor beam? It would grab onto the Enterprise and hold it still while the main gun is warmed up...

Ok, now let's look at what the Enterprise can do. A) Shoot it with phasers or a photon torpedo. Oh no! You've ruined the new paint job on my Death Star! The Death Star is so huge, that the Enterprise could blast at it all day and still not do anything significant to it. B) Run away. Yes, they could do that. They better do that if they want to live.

BRIAN: Oh, sure, Steve, it's really that obvious. You're forgetting the one asset the Enterprise has that the Death Star does not: transporters. Once Kirk, Spock, Bones, Uhura, and that nameless guy with the red shirt beam aboard, the Death Star will have a major permanent power outage and the Enterprise crew will walk away with only one casualty. All they have to do is get into transporter range. That is, get past the mighty planet disintegrater gun and the swarms of tie-fighters and it's cake. O.K., say the disintegrater gun is mis-firing that day, and all they have to do is get past the tie-fighters. The Enterprise. The ship that almost loses to 3 klingon warships must get past 100 tie-fighters. The ship that whenever it gets in trouble tries to open a hailing frequency. O.K., maybe not.

HA! But what you're really forgetting is that the Death Star, as shown in Episode IV, has a weak spot: All the Enterprise has to do is get close enough to fire a photon torpedo down that hole the size of a whomp-rat and the Death Star goes kablooie. So once the Enterprise gets close enough-...oh, yeah, I've already been over this. I don't think the Enterprise would even fit in those canyons on the surface anyway. O.K.: Scotty and Spock equip the Galileo shuttle craft with shields and photon torpedos. Maybe not.

You're right, Steve. Death Star in 2.3 seconds.

STEVE: Indeed, things would have to be going bad for the Death Star to succumb to the Enterprise. Here's a possible scenario under which it might happen: 1) All the Tie fighters had to be recalled due to unsafe plasma coils. 2) The night before the attack, all the weapons officers were up late celebrating "Death Star Day" and are hung over. 3) The garbage monster found it's way into a maintenance shaft and shorted out the transformers which power the main gun. 4) The Enterprise sling-shots around the sun, goes forward in time, gets the Genesis device, sling-shots back, and fires it on the Death Star. I think if these 4 improbable events occurred simultaneously, the Enterprise might stand a chance. Otherwise, forget it!

BRIAN: O.K., with all those concessions, the Enterprise could get close enough and would have a weapon powerful enough to destroy the Death Star considering all the arguments we have raised. But there's one other thing we haven't considered. What about the Force, Steve?

STEVE: Aw, shit. I forgot about the Force. Before Kirk can give the order to fire, Vader will have him two feet off the ground and choking to death. Death Star in 2.3 seconds.

One last point. What's going to win: Something called "The Enterprise" or something called "The Death Star?" The name says it all.

BRIAN: You know, Steve, after the past two weeks, that Godzilla/Bambi thing is looking more and more reasonable.

The Results

Death Star (1067)

vaporizes

Enterprise (462)

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Voter Comments

[We received a gajillion responses this week, and it was hard to narrow it down to the few "best" ones. Unfortunately, some responses that would normally make it had to be eliminated in the interest of keeping this reasonably short. Many people wrote in, and gave technical or analytical reasons why one or the other would win. For the most part, we have not included that type of response here, and have instead chose the ones which gave us a laugh. - Ed.]

Well, let's just say that the Enterprise *does* get within range to try to fire a photon (not proton, which we *know* will do the job) torpedo at the exhaust shaft... we also know that Kirk and Co. are going to go onto the Death Star (TM) and try to short out its chances somehow... but during this trip, the Force will befuddle Chekhov, and he will wander off some chasm mumbling about 'nuclear wessels' and be lost... sulu and spock will debate about how far chekhov will fall, and at that time, they will be shot by storm troopers and kirk will be taken in front of Darth Vader (TM)... Vader will offer Kirk a lightsaber to duel with, but Kirk won't hear him because he'll be taking Captain's log notes on his tricorder... Then Kirk will hear Vader's saber fire up, and he'll draw his dinky captain's phaser and try to square off with the man in black (no, not the Dread Pirate Roberts, but Darth, he of the Dark Side of the Force (TM) ) and will look like he's gonna give it a good fight... suddenly, Darth will use the force to flop Kirk's toupee over his eyes, and take the opening to cut off Kirk's head... at this time, the Empire's engineers will have the big gun working, and with only Uhura, Scotty and Ensign Expendable (TM) on the ship, it will be toast... space dust... history...

i.e. NO SEQUEL!!!

-Jason

I can already hear all those damn trekkies start complaining about how their precious Enterprise was unjustly defeated. Pulease! Spare us and get a life. Anyone with any knowledge of the Death Star knows only studs like Luke can challenge the mighty Empire war machine. Next thing you know, those trekkies are going to start saying Kirk could whip someone with the power of the Force. Death Star in a landslide.

-David

Oh, Enterprise, by a mile. You see, the Force wouldn't matter. Uhura would know better than to put Vader on the viewscreen, so no choke holds would be applied. Then, Spock and Bones could specially rig a homing torpedo, with astronomical supplies they just HAPPENED to have on board.

Yep. Human ingenuity. Plus, Kirk doesn't breathe funny. They both talk funny, but that's another story. Hmm. Oh, and it's a real fight, so Kirk can't die. He has to die in some funky, pansy way, like stubbing his toe while fighting in another dimension...

-Greg

The Death Star is an all out combat machine. With a contingent of AT LEAST 60 Tie fighters AND the death ray that can pulverise a planet, and magnetic and ray shedding; the Enterprise would not stand a chance. Remember in Jedi how the Death Star destroyed a whole Rebel ships with the death ray in one shot?

The Enterprise transporters would not be able to go through the Death Star's sheiding.

It seems like the Death Star would be at least 100x bigger than the Borg cube; and that was quite a battle. Anyways, the Empire had the resources an entire galaxy to build its abomination, while the Federation only controlled one quarter of the Sagittarius arm of our galaxy!

And if they don't speak in English on the Death Star, no one in our galaxy will be able to understand them! (Universal translator be dammed!)

The musical score for Star Wars is MUCH BETTER than Star Trek!

Now if the Federation would implement their phased cloak that Riker recovered on the Pheonix, the Federation could stand up to the Borg or the Empire!

-David

Grudge match? Does the Death Star even notice objects as tiny and underpopulated as the Enterprise? Any way, it would run like this on the bridge of the Fed ship:

Kirk: Uhura, what the heck is--

Voop.

Silence.

On the bridge of the Death Star:

Random underpaid flunkie with black helmet: Did you see anything just now?

No reply.

-Massi

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force . . . as if millions of Star Trek lovers suddenly cried out in terror and Kirk was somehow silenced. I fear something terribly good has happened."

-Edward

One might think that because the Deathstars keep getting destroyed that they are weak and puny. Perhaps. The point here is that the Enterprise is about the lamest ship in the fleet! Its True! Just think about it... every time the crew requires something from it, it takes hours of reengineering. "I need 8 hours to re-align the phase modulators, Captain!" "You have 3!" Sound familiar?

By the time Scotty gets done rearranging the equipment, Lord Vader will already have Kirk's head on his mantle.

-Wakely

Man, what are you guys smoking? There's no way the Death Star can beat the Enterprise. It's not so much the technology, as the crew, here's the breakdown:

Scenario 1: The Enterprise warps into close proximity to the Death Star (with pilfered Klingon cloaking device). The Enterprise crew locates Vader's room and trans- ports in groups. First group, Sulu and Chekov. This is the primer group, their mission is to break down Vader's concentration so that he can not use the force. Sulu without shirt and sweaty, dances around Vader with sword in hand, taunting Vader, while Chekov runs around saying "Nuclear Wessel, Nuclear Wessel," pissing the hell out of Vader. Second group, Uhura, Spock, Kirk and Bones. With Vader's concentration down, he turns in disgust to Uhura and says "How can you keep putting that thing in your ear?" While he does this, Spock puts the nerve pinch on him. Kirk then mercilessly pummels the unconscious Vader, until Bones tells him that "he's dead Jim." The Death Star without leader falls in 10 minutes.

Scenario 2: The Enterprise transports a group of Tribbles (Those things that multiply a lot) to the Death Star. The Death Star explodes in a shower of Tribble/Storm Trooper debris.

Scenario 3: The Enterprise whips around the sun to the year 1994 and finds the Energizer Bunny, game over in 1 minute.

-Kendrick

COME ON NOW! If anyone needs to think longer than about a nanosecond on this
one, they need their head examined. This battle will be over before Kirk
realizes that it's begun. There are so many pluses going for the Death Star and
so many negatives going for the Enterprise; let's compare the two:

Death Star:				Enterprise:

Darth Vader (calm, controlled voice)	James T. Kirk (e... nough... said...)
The Force				James T. Kirk...
Thousands of expendable stormtroopers	Never more than one sacrificial ensign
Own gravitational force			Artificial gravity within the ship
Main gun (destroys entire planets)	Photon torpedoes (aka laser-SCUD)
Infinitely small weak point		James T. Kirk... (don't get much bigger)
Hundreds of attack craft (Tie fighters)	Not even a lifeboat
Huge support craft (Imperial Cruiser)	Scotty's ever-expanding waist
Shiny plastic suits and headgear	Polyester as far as the eye can see

Let's face facts: even IF (and it's a mighty huge IF) the Enterprise could
somehow get past all of the Death Star's primary and secondary defences, all of
Kirk's efforts up to that point would be wasted because the Enterprise would
get jammed up tighter than a Winnebago(tm) in the LaBrea tarpits. The corridor
leading the "whomp-rat" hole just barely allows passage of an X-wing fighter, a
single pilot vehicle; the Enterprise would have as much success getting into
the corridor as Milli-Vanilli have of winning another Grammy. Let the
Enterprise try; it'll smash itself into a gajillion microscopic pieces on the
Death Star's surface.

Death Star in the blink of an eye.

-HotBranch!

This whole question had me rolling for a bit. I mean the Enterprise vs the Death Star cries out for some blow-by-blow (not there would be many) comments.

1 - The Kirk advanatage is nullified when James get close to the Death Star. Vader: "I feel the presence of an ego, the size of the Empire. Could it be my old master? No! Damn it, it's that Earthing scum Kirk. Hurry, prep the writers to shield all dialogue channels. Don't let him ask the computers any stupid, circular questions! LOCK UP THE WOMEN! Yes, even the fuzzy and inhuman ones!"

2 - Scotty - Face it. If Scotty saw that hunk of tech looming over him, he would turn to the dark side just to see its drive systems. Scotty : "Aye, Lord Vader, I think I may be able to squeeze a little more intimidation out of your voice unit. It will take some time, but you'll have it in time to meet the Emperor."

3 - The Prime Directive and other crap - This is the capper. Star Fleet can't blow its collective nose without analyzing its moral implications until inaction is the only available option.

4 - Imperial technology - Also a strike against the good guys. The TIE fighter can fly in ways that would make Newton spin in his grave fast enough to supplement the power generators onboard. Also, they are plenty and expendable.

5 - Imperial Stupidity - Ok, so they have a slight chance. They can pretend the ship is abandoned and sneak on the Base after it pulls it in. Kirk and Scotty would have wet dreams over a Star Destroyer that they could steal. McCoy would be happy (for once!) at having a Bacta tank and a medical droid. Imperial troops fall for all kinds of stupid gags. Spock could mind meld with Vader and learn a Logical (emotionally neutral) version of the Force. HMMM! Maybe if the crew had top billing...

6 - Dark Force tricks - Warp Core breeches are so easy to cause if you can move matter with a thought. Just a little motion here and there - BOOM! And you thought the little vent hole was a vunerability.

7 - The Death Star has sheilds! - No transporters. Yep. remember how they had to lower the shields and the tractor beam to escape?

8 - Photon Torps are too wide to hit the vunerable point on the Death Star. They are just too wide.

In short, the best defence the Enterprise has is the fact that the Death Star was destroyed "A long, long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away". Thank heaven for small favors.

-Judd M. Goswick

I mean really, you got something the size of a planet with the ability to blast planets out of the sky, and it's up against something that probably the amount of metal in all of the Death Star's bathrooms?! Please... Besides Darth Vader has a sword, that makes him cool. No stun for that motherfucker.

-David.

One question before I go on. Will the Enterprise be lead by the young, I'm-so-cool-I-can't-stand-it Kirk, or the big old fat one? If it's the old and fat Kirk, the Enterprise would enter the scene, and get blown away before Kirk could mutter, "Oh my." If it's the young Kirk, he'd beam aboard the Death Star, teach Darth Vader about love, and then watch the Enterprise get blown away from the viewscreen a la Princess Leia. Then he and Darth would get buddy-buddy and then everyone would be happy.

-Mike

You forgot one MAJOR asset of the Death Star... Vader's daughter Princess Leia!!! Put her in that slave girl outfit and Kirk will be so distracted that he'll forget all about the Enterprise. 2.2 seconds so there!!!

- Randall

Subject: WWWF Grudge Match - Why did I vote Death Star? I'm not stupid!

Sure, the Enterprise could send a team to the Death Star to disable it, but that wouldn't work:

Too many Storm Troopers, even though they are lousy shots, and Darth Vader. The entire Enterprise would have to beam over to wipe them out. I doubt that would work anyway, the phaser's wouldn't last that long, and when was the last time you saw the Star Trek gang in a shoot 'em up situation? Kirk was always hitting; Spock was always grabbing necks; and McCoy was always giving someone a shot. The Emperials wear armor guys! Ya wanna get close to one and pinch him? "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a can opener!"

The Enterprise was more of an exploration ship than a war machine. They were to "Boldly go where no man has gone before," and not violate the prime directive. When faced with the Death Star they'd want to check it out, and would probably send a message to Star Fleet and wait for orders on what to do.

The Death Star was a war machine that was exploring. They were "Boldly going where ever they wanted to go," and didn't bother with a prime directive. They had one mission, conquer and/or destroy. They wouldn't bother the Emperor with a request for orders.

Joellyn C.

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and a nameless ensign beam down to Endor to turn off the force field. In the process, they also end up rescuing Princess Leia, who immediately falls in love with Kirk. Spock then reprograms the computers to also simultaneously set off a self-destruct command in the entire TIE squadron. After fighting their way out past many Ewoks and tragically losing the ensign, they transport back to the ship. Scotty finds some parts lying around engineering and they rig themselves up a cloaking device to avoid the giant gun.

With the information gained from Princess Leia, the crew beams over to the Death Star and Kirk, using the P.A. system give a great speech about freedom, liberty, and justice that convinces all the Imperial stormtroopers to join the Federation. After beaming them all back, Kirk alone attempts to activate the Death Star's auto-destruct sequence. He successfully does so, and signals to beam back, only to find out the transporters are malfunctioning.

The countdown begins, and it looks like all is lost. Then we see a ship in the distance. Han Solo in the Millenium Falcon swoops down and snags Kirk off the antenna he's hanging from (don't ask me how he got there). He returns him to the Enterprise, the Death Star blows up, and all is well. Q appears, mumbles something about surving the test of humanity once again, and disappears in a blinding flash of light. The End.

- George

Vader tricks Kirk & a couple of redshirts into coming over for a parley. Anyway, while Spock & Vader duke it out, Kirk tricks the DS's computers into figuring the square root of two or something, thus weakening the DS just enough for the Enterprise to strike the killer blow. Of course the redshirts die, but K & S beam back aboard in the nick of time. A little bruised, but not too much for some humorous banter between K, S, and McCoy.

PS - A colleague of mine reading this just now remarks that what it all comes down to is that the E & crew are the "good guys" and therefore must win. Which is a little sideways to what I'm trying to say, but pretty close.

-Jody

For those of you who think the Enterprise would win simply because they are the 'good guys', please refer to my excellent and inciteful commentary on why Darth Vader would defeat Obi-wan (under WWWF History) before making your final decision - B

Of course, there is absolutely no contest here. Force will always win out against ordinary people. Now the real question is, would the Death Star hold out against Kit from Knight Rider? Remember -- Kit has microjam... Kit could microjam the death star, rendering it useless, and turbo boost right through it..

- Robert C.

The Death Star by a million. The only way to destroy the Death Star is to shoot proton torpedoes into the exhaust port. And what does the Enterprise have? _Photon_ torpedoes. Sorry, no contest. The most the Enterprise can do is follow King Arthur's advice, and "Run away, run away." Hmmm. Idea! Maybe if Spock, Bones, and Kirk built a large wooden rabbit and snuck it into the Death Star...

-Hanspeter N.

What kind of a stupid comparison was this anyhow? I know you guys must be receiveing all sorts of messages like this but get serious. The stormtroopers aka: "the best of the best" may be felled by only one blaster shot but I don't think Kirk's "hands together hit the stomach & back combo" will work on them. With moves like that Kirk should be able to take out Royce Gracie (dripping sarcasm here). Any ship that can be taken out by little furry fuzzballs can't stand a chance against the fuzzballs that Chewie could cough up.

- Gavin, DJ, Rick, Jen.

The way I see it, the battle would be decided based on protective headgear.

As we all know, protective headgear is essential to any risk-intensive endeavors (rock climbing, race car driving, space exploration, technological terrorizing, etc.). Once this fact is recognized, it becomes clear who would win.

First, we can count out the Enterprise, a ship manned by humans with woefully unprotected noggins. There they sit, hurtling through the vastness of space, with nary helmet amoung them! In fact, one nasty slip on the bridge could kill any of the ships officers! The Death Star could sit back and watch as Kirk and Co. tubled and fell into comas concussions, and the like.

On the opposite end of the "helmet spectrum", we find the Death Star, a ship jam-packed with helmet ensconed bad dudes! First, we have the storm troopers, with white helmets buffed to a high glossy shine. Second, we have Darth Vader-and his protective mask/life support system. Third, and most importantly, we have the special technical officers who gear up and fire the Death Star's destructive ray. These guys have the best helmets I've ever seen.

Obviously, these troopers needed to be protected from the harsh rays of the Death Star Cannon. All in all, you have helmets in every direction. Death Star wins-no contest. These guys are ready for action.

I have another theory about footwear, but I won't delve into that now.

- Derek Y.

Destruction of Death Star
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Free recipe.  Distribute freely.

Ingredients:  1 Federation Starship, preferable U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701
                ("no bloody A, B, C, or D"  --Scotty, TNG "Relics")
              1 Working Transporter
              1 Well-fed Tribble
              1 Romulan cloaking device
                (stolen in "The Enterprise Incident")

Directions:  Install cloaking device on starship.  Activate cloaking device.
Pilot starship to Death Star and move within transporter range.  Scan for food
storage bays and feed coordinates into transporter.  Place tribble on 
transporter pad.  Energize.  Wait for six hours.  (May wish to have crew
exchange humorous anecdotes concerning Kobayashi Maru test.)  After tribbles
have infested Death Star, de-cloak starship, lock on to exhaust port, and
fire one photon torpedo.  Move away at half-impulse and watch fireworks.
Serves several million (if satellite feeds are used).

- Curtis C.

The Death Star is the single most powerful weapon in the Universe. There's no way that any Star Trek pinheads could even scratch it. What's up next week, Ferrari vs. Matchbox?

Consider the following analogy... Death Star : Enterprise :: Chewbacca : Alf

Jared C.

Hmmm...this situation would put the pointy eared Vulcan's calculation of odds into numbers soo large that SPOCK would say to the captain "Fascinating, Captain, I put our chances with this "Death Star" as NO way in f*@!-ing hell to 1. I advise we rent the movie and see how the human, Luke Skywalker destroyed it."

Death Star in 2.01 seconds

- Peter K.

I like both Sci-Fi series, but it's like comparing a pea with a watermelon. Try to throw the pea at the watermelon and the pea won't make a dent, but set the watermelon on top of the pea and ewww! Squish! Except that the watermelon can also shoot a massive laser beam at the pea as well. :)

- Eric V.

Let's go straight to the commanding officers.. Darth vs. Kirk. Now at first glance, it looks as if Kirk has the edge. William Shatner seems to have the ego of TWO actors! There is none who can stand before him! EXCEPT.. Darth Vader! Yes, it not only SEEMS like he has the ego of two actors.. he IS two actors! Add to that his superior strength, his offensive use of the force, and the fact that Kirk's girdle is no match for his really nifty black costume, and you have an easy victory!

- Rob S.

Death Vader has the necessary skill at Force to flip switches at long distance and transfer all power to life support or that little light that bleeps or begin a level 1 diagnostic. Also the Force can manipulate computers like a person's mind/there goes flight control.

Stephen S.

Gee....Lets see.... Vote for something that has been called a "Technological Terror" or vote for something whose purpose is "To seek out and contact new civilizations...."

My money's on the Death Star! Against The Good Ship 1701? The Galactica would stand a better chance.

Kirk to Crew: "In honor of our forcoming battle Starfleet has issued us all new uniforms." McCoy to Kirk: "But they're _red_ Jim!" Kirk to Crew: "Oh Bug...."

Menachem P.

In our esteemed opinion, the honorable people in favor of the death Star have forgotten to take into account the fact that Kirk and Co always win. The death Star was blown up twice, once by an illiterate, whining school boy, and the next time by a drunken smuggler and some weird guy gurgling at him. track record. Hmmmm. And the only time the enterprise was ever blown up was by kirk in a brilliant maneuver that effectively places him among the greatest military minds of the world--like Pickets charge, or the battle of breeds hill on the part of the British (Gee, lets just let those american dig in good and tight, so when we go to attack them we can get shot repeatedly). The death Star is the size of a planet, however, remember the Stay Puff marshmallow man? What did those little guys with flashlights did to him, just by crossing the streams. What if there were four enterprises (maybe, one named venkmann) and the crossed the streams and called for Squire of Gothos, and he just turned the Death Star into george and gracie from Star Trek IV--whales in outer space--i don't think so. And, in conclusion, we don't remember who we voted for--oh, by the way, if it was a real movie, frankly, the good guys have to always win--so, even if the death star blew up the enterpise, a large contigent of ewoks would appear to dismantle the death star, and build a giant temple to Yogurt, may the Schwartz be with you--

- David B.

Yes, the Death Star would eventually smash the Enterprise so badly that no amount of cheesy, unintelligible sequels could bring it back. But it wouldn't be quite the domination most would expect.

-B. Maguire

I had to give this battle to the Enterprise for one simple reason, Captain James Tiberius Kirk. I think everyone has forgotten Captain Kirk's incredible charm and charisma. Kirk would just transport over to the old Death Star and seduce Vader, Admiral Tarkoff, and any other imperial fool enough to get in his way. Kirk would be in Darth's knickers faster than you could say "Tatooine."

Never underestimate the captain's sexual prowess. I mean, any man who can score with green female aliens has got to have the goods. Remember, Tiberius is Latin for "tripod."

- Kevin F.

FACT: An enterprise has been featured in over 200 different television episodes, and seven feature movies. It has been destroyed four times. 4/200 = loses 2% of the time.

FACT: 2 Death Stars have been destroyed in as many movies. 2/2 = loses 100% of the time.

Who has a better resume?

- Shuman G.

The enterprise will be caught in the tractor beam of the Death Star about to get blown to where ever things that have been utterly destroyed go. When all of a sudden a giant flock of space goats will come out of nowhere, like space goats tend to do. Every one knows that goats eat anything, naturally when they see the death star they will eat it. You would think the space goats would eat the enterprise too. Look at it from the space goat's point of view, Would you eat a biscuit if you could have the works?

- Ivan I.

And now, from the home office in Auburn, Alabama, it's ....

TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS OF THE DEATH STAR'S VICTORY OVER THE ENTERPRISE

10. Impact from the Death Star's planet-crushing laser rips the Enterprise's hull, breaks bulkheads, and knocks off Bill Shatner's hairpiece.

9. In the confusion of the battle, Scotty and Chekov swap accents

8. Sulu stands up, crabs his crotch, and screams, "Hey Captain! Plot a course for THIS!"

7. Spock attempts a mind meld with Darth Vader. Is overcome with the urge to narrate television programs and write bad poetry.

6. Kirk panics when he realizes that there won't be any gorgeous alien babes in this episode.

5. Famous McCoy quote: "Dammit Jim, if you mention how you're responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen one more time I'm going to deck you!"

4. Dozens of nameless red-shirted security officers realize that their only hope for survival is to become part of the bridge crew. They storm the bridge and are about to commit mutiny when they are all horribly killed in a bizarre turbolift accident.

3. Lt. Uhura destroys a fleet of incoming Tie fighters by singing into the subspace radio.

2. Majel Barret begins looking for a part on the next spinoff series.

1. The battle ends abruptly and an intergalactic holiday is declared when it is announced that the O.J. Simpson trial is finally over.

- David G.

The Enterprise could attack at night...

- Mark S.

If Kirk all of a sudden gets a mechanical arm, Scotty mutates into a lean-mean flyin' dude and Spock puts his ears up in buns... they might have a chance. Oh yeah, Uhura would have to get pretty damn hairy too.

- Wasted

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

John McClane v. Death Star
Other Star Trek based Grudge Matches™
Other Star Wars based Grudge Matches™